Your heartbeat starts to race; maybe your temperature changes; it feels like there’s forward motion, your thoughts start to speed up, and you feel like you gotta get outta there or defend yourself.

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1. Complimenting myself in the mirror when I walk by one! I’ve been giving myself a little wink, noticing curves I really like. If I see a part of my body that I'm kinda questioning the angle on, I say, “Look how cute you are, never seen you from this angle!” Offering my fat body sweetness in a world that is so critical of bodies is a really sweet way to offset the constant judgment being hurled at us!

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Working in the grief space, I have learned a few things:

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Dominant culture is so obsessed with thinness and being anti-fat that we are glorifying starvation. I lived through the 90s; I experienced “heroin chic” and “pro-anorexia” propaganda. I’m so confused as to why we are doing this again?!

Anti-fatness and fatphobia are back with a vengeance. And some of the meanest, most aggressive anti-fat rhetoric is coming from inside the house, or shall I say community. When will the “former good fattie influencers” understand that they are a pawn in the cog? That we are at the helm of one of the most imbecilic, diabolical administrations, and anti-fat former fat girls are picking internet fights with fat people living their lives. With fat liberationists trying to hold members of this community accountable for not causing more emotional and mental harm. Because that’s what’s happening: when good-hearted people ask if you are okay, they aren’t trying to get in your business; you are disappearing before their eyes at a rapid rate, and it’s confusing.

I am so tired; this world is filled with so much grief, and I think we need to go outside and take a breath. To look around and beyond our own little agendas to see that there is poison in the water. That we are turning against each other when the system is the true and ultimate culprit.

Fat bodies are political because they exist. Please do not cause us to further fight or ask to be seen as human. Fat people are disruptive because we are not controllable. But we are also tired of the physical and psychic warfare of the glp1 bullshit hitting us at every corner. Do what you want with your body, but please do not project nor pontificate about your ideas of what a healthy body is when you’re pointing me to a person I can see is malnourished and praised for their ability to withhold food and pleasure and whatever else it takes to keep such a sleek and precious figure.

I understand the allure of eradicating an unruly body, but please keep that shit to yourself. I’m interested in our collective liberation. And what I fear you fail to understand is that your dislike for fatness isn’t rooted in care; it is rooted in healthism and anti-blackness. So let’s collectively get ourselves together and stop pushing long-term untested medication on a population of people who don’t specifically need it. Let’s allow bodies to be bodies. Wild, unruly, beating, hormonal, elegant, nasty, vulnerable, fleshy bodies. Let them be; set yourself free. ❤️‍🩹🫡

I met a new patient, very kind and very old.
They told me of community.
They told me you never know what someone will do in your life.
They told me of being held in unmanageable grief.
They told me to tell others that people are not so scary.
That you never know what magic could unfold.

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At your core, you are good.
You are kind, and you are brave.
Trying to engage with this world can feel so UNGOOD.
But you, my friend, are good.

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Hi Friends,

It has been rough out here being a person. I mean, on a global, political, and even local social level, we are being psychologically attacked, and it's weird, confusing, and scary. With AI, I’m constantly like, is this real? Can you see a narwhal from the side of the road in Iceland?! Is he alive?! (iykyk)

I've noticed that when I wake up, it feels like I'm coated in a heaviness I can’t seem to shake from the day before, the week, or the month. My mind is a mixed bag of chaos, and it’s hard to focus. I titrate between deep anger and deep sadness at the way I cannot control, change, or shake anyone into making some cosmic shift that would reverse the whole Empire colonizing the planet, leading to our eventual, inevitable doom.

Instead of ranting about those feelings… even more!

I wanted to share a tool I have been leaning into and was reminded of recently. Tonglen Meditation practice, a way of touching into pain and suffering and offering what’s needed back. It feels like a moment to sit with the whats here, no matter the way the “whats here” makes you feel, and giving it space, a breath, an intention, anything ya got.

The everyday practice is simply to develop a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and emotions, and to all people, experiencing everything totally without mental reservations and blockages, so that one never withdraws or centralizes onto oneself.
— Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Sadly, this is not something that will take your pain away; it will actually draw you closer to it. But that is the beauty of the practice. There is an immense amount of unnecessary suffering that comes from avoiding pain. I know about it, I'm a true pro when it comes to avoiding pain, y’all! And no, I’m not saying you are trying to avoid pain! We were trained by our society, by our caretakers, by our teachers, and parents that we can do anything, but if we do it wrong or for the wrong reasons or a whole bunch of other random things, then inevitably there will be pain and suffering…. But what if we do everything correctly and by the book… STILL SUFFERING FROM PAIN CAN OCCUR?! Excuse me, what?!

Yeah… Apparently, being a human is painful, and right now it's even more painful. So I say let’s try this thing and see if it can help our internal systems regulate our emotions, anxiety, and fear a bit better.

Your emotional regulation isn’t just something nice to strive for; it’s actually an incredible tool for resistance that can keep you safe when shit gets real. And it's hard right now, so we have to practice and do it for each other. Because we keep us safe when we are able to listen, think critically, and move with purpose in a crisis or tough moment.

Here is a bit of explanation from Pema Chodrön that I think is helpful for starting:

You can watch that by clicking here, or click the image above!

Here is a bit longer meditation by Tara Brach, whom I find quite soothing, and whose meditation style I really like.

Check that out here, or click the image above to go to the meditation.

Now, here is one other reason I think this can be a helpful practice: When you see a fat influencer or fat person whom you admired get really small, really fast, this is a practice for soothing that part of you who feels personally hurt by this. The communal part that thought there was a kindred connection, you can use this practice to send them back care or wish them healing (energetically) without dishonoring your hurt. Because your pain is important, and so is their body autonomy.

We can have complex and nuanced feelings about all of it. And nobody is right or wrong, and there can be body autonomy and also awareness that in choosing a specific body size, from your own lived experience, might mean that person will end up in more pain and with more suffering. You hold magnitudes, my angels; nothing is actually truly held in the binary of good or bad, that is made up by rich, nasty men who want your money, I assure you.

This practice is ultimately a grief practice that helps you process the ever-present and persistent pain that comes from being a human in a human body. I want to offer it up as a way to start meeting your pain, because that is how we keep going. We cannot excavate the pain away; it has to be felt, experienced, and brought back into the fold of your being. Unfortunately, I say this with a big hug and an eye roll because can’t anything be fucking easy for once!?

Love yall, let me know how this impacts you if you choose to try it!

xoxo
Anna

Here is the Keep going song!

I am reading Adult Braces by Lindy West, one of our fat icons in the PNW. The way this book is so honest, funny, and painfully true! I’m a quarter in and deeply loving it!

The Serviceberry by Robin Wall Kimmerer (Same author as Braiding Sweet Grass) has come out with this short and potent book about the reciprocity of the natural world! I loved it and highly recommend!!

I have been missing the sessions, but I am deeply fond of being part of Kimberly Dark's The Ongoing writing group, which meets twice a month on the first and third Sundays (Its $30 a month to be a part and totally worth it)! Kimberly has a fabulous monthly newsletter called The Hope Desk, and is one of my fave writing teachers and humans!

Movement Invitation <3

Sometimes I do not wanna be told what to do, but I feel sticky and stuck in my body. On those days, I put a few songs on, and I vibe. I dance from a chair, I stretch on the couch, I do whatever feels good in my body. If my knees are up for it, I get on the floor and roll around.

On the days when you would like someone to guide you, try this free gentle movement with Justin Agustin. I have followed him for years. He is gentle, has options, and is more interested in you feeling good in your daily life tasks than cosmetic fitness goals. I think he's pretty neutral, but if a man telling you what to do sounds bad, DO NOT DO IT! But here’s the link if you wanna try!!

Some days my body hurts, and movement is not an option; on those days, I roll around on my bed, stretch a bit, and call it a day. Movement is there for you when you feel the call, no shame here!

Here are a few mantras to remember about your rad fat body!

MY FAT BODY IS POWERFUL.

MY FAT BODY HOLDS SPACE FOR ME.

MY FATNESS IS NOT A PROBLEM, BUT A FACT ABOUT MY BODY.

MY FAT BODY DESERVES TO FEEL FREE.

MY FAT BODY IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION.

THIS IS MY FAT BODY. I CHOOSE WHO GETS TO ENGAGE WITH IT.

MY FAT BODY IS PRECIOUS.

MY FAT BODY RESISTS.

xoxoxox
Anna

With all of the discourse around Fatness and bodies right now, I wanted to take some time to explain what it means to have a fat liberation politic. I think the most important connection I want you to leave with is that Anti-Fatness is rooted in Anti-Blackness. I highly recommend the book Fearing the Black body, by Sabrina Strings. In the book, Sabrina reminds us that Fatness was the beauty standard during the Renaissance because it signified wealth and enough to eat, and could potentially protect the body from sickness.

“...racial discourse was deployed by elite Europeans and white Americans to create social distinctions between themselves and fat racial Others. Black people, as well as so-called degraded or hybrid whites (e.g., Celtic Irish, southern Italians, Russians), were primary targets of these arguments.”
― Sabrina Strings, Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia

Anti-Blackness has always been at the root of anti-Fatness; they are intrinsically connected. Both tools of colonization, used to dehumanize and devalue people to be exploited for free/low cost labor.

So I ask you to check in: what within you has been conditioned to follow the dominant culture’s narrative around bodies? How do you feel about your body, and who taught you that about your body?

Your fat body, or even exploring how this all lands for you, is a doorway to know more about yourself.

To know what you feel and act the way you do.

This is how we all get free.

But as Maya Angelou said, “The truth is, no one of us can be free until everybody is free.”

We truly are all in this mess together.

What do we do with all this fear?

With all of the ways people are being targeted, how do we cope?

How do we find a way to keep going when we are gutted by the news, seeing people ripped from their homes?

Seeing people abuse power, choosing power over the care of their neighbors.

How did we get here?!

I think the saddest part is that this same pattern of behavior has been the “American way” since inception.

So what do we do?

We start with ourselves.

We look at where we might be harboring some hate.

Where we might not want to look.

You do not owe the governing body your blood; they are taking it.

You do not need to help them.

You can ally with your neighbors.

You can get a whistle and be part of an alert team.

You can boycott.

You can use your resources to protect and love your neighbor.

You can ask for help.

Seeing the resistance in Minnesota has lit our hearts ablaze again.

To be standing up, in the freezing temperatures for the love of self and each other.

That is beautiful.

Your humanity is powerful.

And when we are at a loss, down to the bottom of the barrel of “what do we do now.”

Let it be the hearts of the people standing in the cold that ignite your own!

Let us be so all consumed in the love of our community that we are no longer able to be silent.

Let us be so filled with care that we are moved to yell in the streets and lock arms with our neighbors.

Let us be so filled with rage that our hearts alchemize into action.

Let our collective hope ignite the fire of the sun so that every single member of ICE is melted down to the bone.

Let us forgive ourselves and start again.

Let us be the thing we were waiting for.

We are all in this together.

I believe in us.

I love us.

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To whom it may concern,

Thank you for the air this morning. When I took my first breath, I was reminded that I am alive. It was brisk, and as presence filled my body, I was relieved to see the sun had risen again.

My body hurts. This is not new, but I thought I would let you know where I’m at today. It’s a 4 out of 10, so do with that what you will.

Hope i…

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The New Year is here.

New marketing.

New ways to shame your precious body.

New trauma.

New chance to change everything about yourself.

New treatments to cure the thing everybody hates about you.

New tears, dripping down the lines where time used to settle but now it’s just frozen in Botox.

New excuses to leave yourself.

New you, full of hate and sadness.

New Everything.

Luckily, this year we’re too broke to take the bait, too sick to drink the Kool-Aid.

I have a better option, and it will only take a moment of your time.

Come live with me in a world where…

You can be trusted.

With your body.

With food.

With your desires.

With your deepest darkest days

Because my celestial being, you are not new.

You are rooted like a sequoia that has been growing for over 3000 years.

You are truth in action.

You are worth your own attention and care.

You are worthy of this life.

You are old, eternal, ancestral.

Welcome back.

We’re glad you’re here.

Take a rest.

You have been running for far too long.

Rest, baby.

You are home.

I have also given my labor, time, and energy to my beloved fat community, and this has been keeping me sane; it has helped me find purpose in the rat race, but I have almost always self-funded my offerings to the Fat Community. I have led groups, made art, and done really special healing work with folks in this community, and for that, I am so grateful.

Thank you for the support, thank you for the kind words in my DMs, and for your frustration with the way the world has pivoted again to leave the fat community unmet and under even more surveillance and aggression. And while this work has been so important, I need to take a step back, or more of a step inside myself. This isn’t because I don’t want to do this work anymore, but because I need to do it differently. I’m tired of selling you things you don’t really need or can’t afford. I’m tired of seeing capitalism in every ad, and I’m tired of uplifting and perpetuating it.

The more I strategize my way out of my exhaustion, the more I realize it’s fine to stop. You don’t need me to tell you it’s okay to be fat. It is simply a truth that your fatness does not define your value, and it never will. Your fatness might illuminate fatphobia in other people, or their own self-hatred, but that’s not anything to do with you. I believe and trust that you have been doing your own work to fortify your inherent value. If you ever need tools for that, I am always excited to do a 1:1 session with you. You can go to fatselfcare.com to find out more.

I’ve decided to go back to school to get my masters because I’m going to be a chaplain. No, this isn’t turning into a spiritual chaplain space, but I want to feel free to explore the theologies that interest me. I want to talk about death and dying, and I’m going to. But I also want to be trauma-informed in how I talk about it. I initially thought I needed to explain myself to you all, but in writing this, I see that I am naming and claiming what I want and where I am going. I feel like I have clarity for the first time in years, and that alone is cause for celebration.

So this is my way of stepping into the new with my whole chest. I will always 10000000% be all about fat body liberation, but I need to go nerd out and learn some new things right now. Thank you for witnessing this significant change happening. Please don’t forget that you have so much wisdom inside yourself and in that glorious gut of yours.

Be Well Friends,
With Care Anna

p.s. Thank you so much to the paid subscribers, your support helps me keep going and reminds me that my work is important.

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Photo: Myself as a baby and My Grandpa

I remember holding my grandpa’s hand as he lay in the hospital. We flew in from Hawaii to be with him for the last time. I begged my Mom, asking that we get to spend the night in his room. This was the last night of his life on earth. It was also the last night of my life as a person with an alive grandpa, the only …

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Those people would be the leaders. And I, who is envisioning the new worl…

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How do we make peace with a body that has only ever been told it’s wrong?

The way the world expects the worst, most lackluster life for fat folks is wild. We’re hyper vigilantly watched when we’re out in public, god forbid we get hungry and need a bite to eat.

“Fat bitch eating alert”

Then we go to the gym and we’re either fetishized or shamed for being there.

“Whale!!!” Or “You’re thick, I like that…”

Maybe we go to yoga…

“Wow, you’re so inspiring! Keep it up”

Then say we want to take a dip.

“Oh sweetie you should only wear a one piece when you’re that size”

Never once did I ask anyone’s opinion.

When fat people leave the house we are marks for people who are frustrated with their lives to take frustration out.

We are given dirty looks, insults hurled at us, and all the while just trying to keep going.

Say we have sleep apnea?

“That’s cuz you’re fat as fuck!”

Even after a Doctor validates that folks of all sizes have sleep apnea.

Long covid???

FATNESS!

Chronic pain??

LOSE WEIGHT!!!!

Then, when our bodies change as bodies do, and say we’re incredibly sick and have lost a lot of weight.

YOU DID IT! WOW, OK SEE HOW GOOD YOU FEEL NOW?!

So I want to invite you into an incredibly powerful practice. It’s called STAPBI and it means:

STOP TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE’S BODIES IMMEDIATELY.

People’s bodies should not be a topic of conversation unless they engage you in questions about their bodies. It’s your job to notice, and not say a thing.

We don’t know what folks are experiencing in their bodies. If you want to know, I suggest studying medicine or mental health care work.

If you need a few compliments that are not body-based try these:

“Your energy is so bright and shiny today!”

“I love spending time with you”

“It’s so nice to be in physical space with you, I’m so glad we get this time to hang”

If you are concerned or worried about someone, first notice inside yourself why you feel the need to say something either way. And if you feel strongly you could try:

“Hey, I’ve been busy but my schedule has opened up. Let me know if you need any support.”

“How are you, sweet friend?”

“I feel like it’s been so long. How are things in your world?”

“I’m so glad we got together. I’m noticing your energy is feeling different. How are you feeling?”

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It’s so important to feel seen but the toll of being constantly perceived as being in a transitional body or a working on it body or a sick body when we’re in the only one we will ever have is exhausting. Focus on your inner world, and love on your fat friends! But please stop “helping” through food or body policing. We want connection from you, we know the people to call if we have health of body concerns I promise!

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Reminder: If you appreciate my work, including the following piece, please consider a paid subscription. Your support enables me to devote the necessary time to writing and sharing these pieces. Thank you for reading.

I think a lot of us use the word “Grief” in a very general way, like “oh yeah, a lot of grief right now.” We often hear grief and jump to the idea that it is only associated with the experience of bereavement, or the death of someone close to you.

But as I started digging into what grief actually was in 2020, with the loss of so many millions of people, I noticed that I was personally heartbroken, even though I had not lost someone close to me. I could feel the collective grief of losing so many people, and even though my intimate pod was not harmed, the extended pods of people I loved were losing friends and family members.

There is the grief we hold in our bodies since the 1948 Nakba, but more specifically since the 7th of October 2023 in Palestine, watching mothers, fathers, and babies being lit on fire, bombed, or shot in 4k with no tangible way to stop it. To watch brave young Palestinian reporters being targeted and killed is traumatic, and we have to collectively grieve the annihilation of a whole (multiple really) population of indigenous people slaughtered in the place they have sacredly tended to for forever. The way Sudanese children are starving and putting their bodies in small mines for pennies, while we make sure we have the latest smartphone, with little to no media attention on their starving bodies, lack of shelter, and their grieving mothers.

I share this to say, even if you are not personally being attacked, because we are human and all connected, we collectively feel the annihilation. We have to witness the horror and honor their humanity. We will never be the same, and we can’t be because we need to feel in our bodies, this genocide is wrong, that ALL GENOCIDE IS WRONG. The fact that I have to say it feels high key fucked.

My first encounter with death-grief was when I was 13, and I held my grandfather’s hand with my mom and uncles as he died. My grandpa was my favorite person, and I didn’t want him to be alone. That evening after he had passed, we went to an Irish bar restaurant and told stories of him, and how special he was, crying and laughing and crying again. There was a memorial service, but to me, the place I felt the most connected to him was as we told stories, just the 4 of us who had witnessed his death. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t worried for him, I was just glad I got to hold his hand right up until the end.

Since then, I have found myself leaning into my friends as they share their grief. It took a long time, but I have been practicing how not to evict myself from my body when grief is here or near. In 2021, I lost a beloved teacher and guide after he tragically drowned. I remember feeling extremely unprepared and very misguided by the stages of grief we have all been told is what grief is.

Fun Fact: Did you know that the “7 stages of grief” were supposed to be specifically connected to the grief of learning you have a late-stage cancer/life-ending diagnosis?

I think if I had known that we cannot mentally prepare for grief, but that our bodies know how to process it if we don’t deny its existence. I might not have become obsessed with grief and grieving work. I needed to deep dive to learn that grieving is something human bodies come ready to tend to, just like we don’t have to think about breathing or pumping blood; the body just does it.

The problem I’m finding is that grief demands to be experienced; it’s not a process we can ignore. It is truly like breathing; it’s just going to happen.

Ok fine, and then it ends?!

That’s the part I gotta break to you gently but firmly, the grief never ends. Because, and this one might hurt, everyone and everything you ever love will die or leave you one day. We don’t get to keep anything here on earth.

I know that was harsh, but baby its the truth. And perhaps if we worked as hard at tending to our grieving bodies like we did finding secret labubus (Im not judging I have 2 labubus and I did scour the internet) we might find the freedom we have been seeking in little treats and cute shit.

It’s not easy, and I wish it was.

You were born to grieve, and as you practice, you will notice that you are constantly falling in love and grieving the love, and then there is more love and more loss, and forever it continues to fill and break our presumptively fragile yet oh so strong hearts. And you will cry, and if you hate crying, i’m sorry, but maybe get used to it. Maybe when you care so much that sadness or joy just bursts out of your eyes, that’s actually such a beautiful thing.

Perhaps you’re in the part of grieving where you can’t get off the floor, or your newly disabled body is in excruciating pain, and you are trying to figure out how to get to the bathroom, make food, and eat in a day. If you are there, I want to say you’re doing it right. There is no timeline, and I hear the pain and the frustration with what is. With the systems that don’t care about the grief our bodies hold. I also know that it will change, because change is the only thing we can truly count on. But it’s okay to stay on the floor, there’s no rush… We aren’t going back to anything. There was before the big grief, and after, you are forever changed.

I also want to remind you that your body holds grief, and sometimes it takes a trusted friend, sibling, a family member, or someone who is trained to hold space to sit with you as you grieve. You aren’t broken, you don’t need fixing. If you can’t focus on work, it’s because you’re grieving. If you forget to do stuff or time feels weird, that’s the grief. I promise it won’t be forever, but I can’t say when it will change; all I know is that it will.

And here’s the thing, it’s often mistaken for an emotion because it can hold so many conflicting feelings. You could be happy, devastated, confused, hyperactive, exhausted, seemingly “fucked in the head” and still I would say “Yes, that is all grief” because it holds multitudes, and it shows us what we deeply, dearly, wholeheartedly love, which I think is the greatest joy and risk. To love is to lose, but that time in between is worth our whole life’s investment. That we will be brought to our knees more than once in our lives because we put our whole hearts on the line.

So the next time you feel big feelings coming up about a friendship thats ended, a job thats changed, watching the news, a loss of your beloved pet companion, a loss of your beloved plant, a break up or a divorce, the loss of your house to a disaster or accident, your body changing and it feeling confusing, loss of mobility, all of these things are filled with big grief, and you aren’t meant to be facing them all alone. Take a big breath, you can be trusted. If you need someone to sit with you as you grieve, let’s talk.

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