What did you do when you realized it wasn’t going to happen for you? Did you still want it? Or did you burn out?

Did you find another way to get it?

At the end of the day, when you’re facing disappointment, who did you have space to turn to?

And when that conversation was over…were you satisfied? Did you want to go talk to someone else?

How did you alleviate that hole in your heart when talking isn’t enough?

What do you do when your thoughts are so loud and there is no one left to receive them?

What do you say in a moment when you can’t find the words.

When your audience has had enough. Or they want to give you advice you know you should take but you just can’t?

Sometimes it’s just not enough.

There are days where no amount of writing will alleviate this madness

This massive hole.

It’s still there.

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Maybe you’re thinking of dipping your toe back out to the dating pool, maybe you’re not.

And imagine an attractive man walks past you, smiles at you, makes eye contact with you, and says hi, how are you?

You say hi, going good and you both keep walking your separate ways.

You turn briefly after a few seconds and you discover that he’s also turned for a few seconds.

You’re checking each other out. Oops. But nice ego boost. You keep walking.

Then thirty seconds later, you hear jogging behind you. Wow..this is cool.

Him: Hi I was wondering if you were single?

Her: It’s complicated. I’m almost divorced.

Him: How single is almost divorced?

Her: Separated 18 months, thirty days from finalized.

Him: Ok, would you like to go out some time? I’m only in town for the next week.

Her: Sure ok, I’ll give you my number.

Him: Great. I’m Matt.

Her: Great. I’m FOWL

They both go their separate ways.

The woman continues to walk her dogs and she calls a few friends to talk about the cute guy pick up.

It is not the highlight of her day, but a nice boost in the right direction. After all, she’s been having second thoughts about divorce, even though she knows it’s completely justified.

Her husband is the bad she knows. And she knew there was bad out there way more than him.

They happen to cross paths again about thirty minutes later as she is walking back towards her apartment, and he assures her, it was completely coincidence.

He tells her, she will be getting a text soon from a 505 number. They shake hands and walk their separate ways.

She’s giddy. Excited. But also a little wary. He had mentioned in their second passing that he was in town for work and he was from Laredo, TX.

Laredo is a border town to Mexico where a lot of trafficking takes place. Sex trafficking.

She goes to visit the dog parK for a bit afterwards, visits some friends, and as promised, there is a text message and a missed phone call from none other than Matt.

She debates on how soon she wants to see him. Definitely not tonight, she needed more time than that to weigh the pros and cons. Talk herself out of it. But he did call her. Maybe she should go ahead and call him?

She decided to call him back. She wanted to make sure he wasn’t a complete psychopath.

And it became pretty clear in the one hour she talked to him on the phone that she did not want to pursue it further.

They asked each other questions on the phone. Both divorced both had kids, didn’t want more, etc.

He asked her what she was into.

Her mind lit up like a firework. Maybe they were brainstorming their first date.

She told him she was an accountant, a boss actually, and she loved to write and blog and had been blogging as long as she could remember.

She asked him the same….and he was so…boring…and obtuse…and sexual. His only hobby was fishing. He had some beef with his ex for cheating on him. Every comment or response led back to sex.

She rolls her eyes. She met him for all of five minutes on the street and he’s texting her what time he can come over.

Him: So what time can I come over?

Her: Come over? Why would I let you come over? I don’t even know you yet. You said you wanted to go out. I thought that meant a date.

Him: Well I can come over and hang out and that can be our date.

Her: I don’t think so.

ARE WE DEAD ASS?

How FAST could she hang up on this guy? He knew the vicinity she lived in. She knew the hotel he was staying in. She didn’t want to piss him off in case he really was a psycho and she accidentally ran into him again while walking her dogs.

Him: Oh well…I think we know each other plenty. What else do you want to know?

Her: Well how about your last name?

Him: Why do you want my last name?

Her: Do you have a social media presence?

Him: Yeah but don’t you think that’s a little soon?

Her: You want me to invite you over to my home where I live with my kid and have sex with you, but you think me knowing your last name is too soon? How do I know you don’t have a girlfriend? How do I know you’re not lieing about being single?

Him: Well what else do you want to know about me? Ask me anything?

Her: I don’t really know. I’m kind of stumped right now. I mean…I don’t know your last name, you think it’s too soon to see each others socials, but you want to come over and have sex and….i just met you…I don’t think I know you that well

Him: I’ll tell ya what. Why don’t we just go for a quick walk and get to know each other some more.

Her: don’t even know your last name. I’m just supposed to take your word for it? That you’re not some freak?

Him: Here is what you need to know about me and I’m pretty sure it will squeeze those fears away… I get tested once a year for sexually transmitted diseases. Thankfully all my sexual partners have not had STDs. And I can’t get you pregnant so it’s not like you would have go come looking for me afterwards.

Her: and I’m just supposed to take your word for it?

Him: Well I guess not but what else do you want to know?

Her: I need to go. Let’s touch base later.

Him: But it’s my only chance to see you while I am here, I can’t make any other time work.

Her: Oh…darn. Sorry. Well let’s just stay in touch.

Click…

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I remember going to see so many friends after my husband and I split up. They were also excited for me and excited to see me. We all got dinners and got together and were able to have an amazing time at random points in the middle of the week.

I told them about all my fears of being alone. And some of them were so funny and they said don’t worry, sis we won’t be alone cause when we’re older we’re all gonna be staying at the same nursing home. This made me chuckle, and it gave me hope , But it didn’t help me get past the notion that friendships and relationships naturally grow apart.

As time went on and my anger for my husband subsided, so did my relationships with my friends that I had spent so much time with to help me get through the first few months of my separation.

I wasn’t sure what to do with all of this free time now. I didn’t want to be a burden to them and I felt like I was over staying my welcome sometimes. And I just knew they would get tired of me crying over my divorce. Cause who wants to hear that all the time? But I also don’t know how much u really talked about it.

I could focus more on my writing. I write about my feelings and my divorce and my work quite a bit.

At some point, it doesn’t solve the loneliness though. How far do my words actually carry? In a world where subscribers are oxygen to blood, and God is the only one that truly sees me? Sometimes my words go no where. No one sees them. They’re algorithmically unworthy.

My daughter would say they’re “canceled”.

She will leave me for college in two years. And I’m OK with that. Sometimes I look forward to being an empty Nester. But the deep part of me that doesn’t feel like joking about it also dreads it.

I have two more years! Two more years to get her ready and two more years to let her go.

So much on the line and no one to talk to about it. I shouldn’t say no one. But no one to talk to every night like I used to. No one to unwind with consistently every evening for the rest of my life. That could handle my tears, my fears, my grief and frustrations. That person’s being divorced. I can’t keep throwing that on them. Not when I’m choosing to leave.

Before I go down this rabbit hole, I must assure you that I am In general, a very happy person. But some days I’m just lonely.

I love having my dogs. They’re great for taking out on walks and they help me meet new people. That part I like.

But sometimes I don’t have energy for new people. Not everyone wants to make friends with people they meet on the trail. Some people don’t want to talk or want to be difficult to get to know. And sometimes not all people have good intentions.

My husband still texts me and calls me even though we’re getting divorced. He’s in denial. Possibly? I finally had him served a couple of weeks ago after I filed for divorce back in February. I thought he had been served earlier, and I had been friendly towards him because I thought we were both on the same page. Oops

I still want to be friends with my husband. But my daughter hates him. I don’t even feel comfortable, saying his name around her. She definitely has her reasons. It’s just so hard sometimes because I don’t always agree with how she sees things. But I also know I can’t deny her experience and I’ll always stick by her no matter what

I recently lost my temper with her a handful of times this year and the same things I would get so angry at him for, I was suddenly just as guilty.

I also logically should not have any feelings for my husband. He was a jerk, a big one. There’s no way he will ever be a functional adult ever again. But I still feel attachment. And it’s this attachment that makes these last few days leading up to the divorce, exceptionally challenging and emotional and lonely.

I truly do believe I deserve better.

I wish I had my friends with me more to help me get through these lonely times. I don’t know about your friends, but my friends all have very busy lives. They’re moms with little kids mostly. I’m ahead of my pack. And I didn’t have more kids even though I wanted more. For all the ways I am smart is an equal force of stupid. My smarts came from Years of intentional adaptation which sometimes I adapted to the wrong things. At some point, I had lost myself worth and I allowed things that I never should have.

I can talk to my parents, but they won’t be around forever, and the last thing they need to hear about or worry about me is being sad. I sure know what it does to me when I know my daughter is sad.

And I think being sad is OK. If you’ve ever watched Inside Out, it is clear that sadness is unnecessary emotion. So I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t sad.

The other side of this is that sometimes I crave being alone. So I don’t know if being alone is really what is making me feel melancholy.

I had a 4th of July party. My daughter‘s friends came over. But even she was melancholy. Because only two of the several friends that came over, were friends that she had this time last year.

I had one friend come over and one of my Mom friends joined, and we had a lot of great conversation, but it wasn’t the same.

People that I truly wanted to be with were not there that night and it really hurt. I started to feel like maybe it was something I did. I asked them if they were mad at me. They said they weren’t and I believe them. But I don’t know what happened in my life where I don’t get to spend my favorite holidays with my favorite people.

I just think it’s odd that I finally have the security I’ve always wanted, that I have no one to share it with.

And I find it odd that at one point in my life, I could only dream of living here in this beautiful apartment in this beautiful city next to this beautiful river. And even when I could only dream of it, I always thought I would have to have a man to help me obtain it.

It is quite a proud moment and feeling I have knowing that I am able to obtain this on my own without even needing a man. While I support my daughter with Virtually no Child Support.

This shouldn’t be a flex though. I shouldn’t have to be this tough. I wish I could be soft and trust again. I don’t think I’ll ever want to be married again. What good did it do for me?

Whenever I think about being in a relationship or even just dating, I remember how quickly I get attached. And I fear there will never be that right balance I am looking for in my life.

The other side of me is that I am a total optimist.

This time next year, my daughter and I are going to have a great relationship. I am going to travel to some beautiful places. I’m going to spend a lot of time with my dogs walking down the Trinity.

I will have launched at least one of my business ventures with Boss Babe. And I will have had many intentional dinners with my friends that even though we are growing apart, we are still a part of each other and forever will be.

I will spend eons of time with my parents and getting facials with my mom and my daughter. I’ll get dad to make coffee his way cause it’s better than any Starbucks and I’ll borrow their junk food and watch dumb tv.

Most of all, I will be making the most out of our lives, even when I’m feeling lonely.

Care to join me?

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It was a great day. 

A good day. 

A day that I got to relax some with my parents and my kid.  A truly God given day.

Yesterday I spent time with my daughter and her friend and her friend’s mom “Joanne”. 

I had been thinking about “Joanne” a lot after I had talked to her the day prior. I had met her a few months back and had invited her to our home. 

She had made a great first impression. Warm, nice, funny, single, mom, had a story to tell.

A few months later she had invited my daughter and I over to swim.

I went to visit with her and her daughter and I realized she needed to really turn her life around, both for herself and for her kid.

She wasn’t that fun, happy, well adjusted mom she portrayed herself to be earlier. She wasn’t a damn mess. She seemed sad and desperate.

At the same Time, I was not sure if she really wanted to turn her life around. Maybe she was just complaining to complain and wanted a hand out?

Was I making myself an easy target? I do talk a lot. And I brag a lot too. I’m not proud of it but I am who I am. From rags to middle class…

And I wondered what it is about me that made people feel like they could just trauma dump on me after knowing me and spending a few hours with me.

She had told me she had cancer three times in her leg already.

She was disabled but wanted to work and couldn’t find a job that made more money than her disability.

She “couldn’t” find a job.

She was behind on her rent.

Behind on her car payment.

And she needed to see a doctor to have her port looked at because it felt infected.

She also had terrible insurance through the VA.

The more she went on, the more I wondered….what the heck am I supposed to do? What is the right thing to do here?

I asked her to send me her resume. The formatting was gastly. How did she graduate from a four year university and not know how to use Word or make a resume?

She once had a profession in cryptology with the army and now she was doing nothing and had been doing nothing for five years.

I also felt so bad for “Joanne’s” daughter. All this time I was worried about my daughter feeling all alone after I die. 

Her friend’s future seemed even more alone and bleak. 

I felt so overwhelmed with compassion for them and helpless because I realized this wasn’t a mess I could fix. And it wasn’t my mess to fix.

I learned that not everything is in my control and some things are up to God and not me. 

And I realized I could help her find a job but I couldn’t solve everything.

I asked God to help me do his work and still maintain my health and sanity. 

I asked him to help me avoid losing myself in other peoples problems. 

You see, I realized I absolutely wanted to help her.  And at the same time I could see how quickly things could turn toxic for me.  My desperate need to help people has made me a classic doormat and people pleaser.

I wasn’t and still am not entirely in a solid place yet mentally and emotionally. 

But I can still recognize that Joanne really needed help and it was too much for me to carry.

A few days, weeks, and months later, she made it clear that she was more interested in playing Dungeons & Dragons with her online boyfriend from Canada.

She took none of my resume advice. She never worked on her resume. And then she got angry with me for not personally formatting her resume and applying to jobs for her. And I got ok with not everyone liking me.

I am grateful for being able to learn discernment throughout all this.

And I realized once again that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.

It brought a lot of clarity for me even though I really shouldn’t be confused to begin with.

Earlier I was struck by my feelings.

I am not sure of what I felt, but I could maybe describe it as a longing for my husband. 

It was like an attachment to someone he never really was though.

Or was he?

He hasn’t changed at all

but when he’s kind and nice and sweet

i just really miss him. 

I feel like I did something wrong

by allowing him to hug me longer than he should.

I loved him for so long. 

I still love him….i think…

But he’s not good for me. 

He’s not good for my daughter.

So I feel like I am really doing something wrong by not enforcing boundaries sooner.

Boundaries like telling him

Don’t hug me for too long.  

Don’t tell me you love me.

Don’t try to kiss my shoulder

Don’t try to kiss my forehead.

Don’t act like you know so much more than me.

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I wouldn’t let a friend touch me like that. 

That would be crossing a line

if one of my friends did that. 

So why did I let him? 

I am intending to eventually divorce him. 

Why did I give him hope? 

Was this my fault or is it his for not respecting my boundaries? 

I mean I think I’ve told him how I’ve felt before. 

Or did I change my boundary? 

Isn’t that dangerous?

He’s not going to change the way I need him to. 

Seeing him is painful for me. 

I saw his daughter today too. 

I guess that was ok. 

We were about the same with each other. 

She was never warm towards me even before the split. Why should I expect any different?

Not surprising at all. 

I got a little jealous when she said that

Her brother and sister-in-law were skiing in New Mexico. 

I want to have that life. 

I want to be able to have those nice things. 

And those nice friends with nice things. 

I feel so spoiled. 

Some people go their whole lives in pain. They go without. They sacrifice.

And here I am, not suffering and wishing for more…things…more money…more time.

I feel envy and greed. 

Like I need to have more and more. 

What is going to happen to me if I keep thinking like this?

Who will save my soul?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

There is a saying that we attract the love that we think we deserve. 

Why is the love I think I deserve so crappy?

I thought I deserved much better. 

But I guess i attracted more pain. 

Why do I feel like I need to impress someone? 

I have never been attracted to men

that just liked me for me. 

I’m not sure if it’s because of that

or if I was not attracted to them physically. 

But I talked to some people this weekend

and talked to some guys that are down to earth,

but I was not really physically attracted to them. 

I am physically attracted to my husband. 

But not mentally. 

Or I should say that the mental part of me that is mentally attracted to my husband is the mental part of me that I need to leave behind. 

I’m also pretty shallow.  Or picky maybe.

I’m torn between being single for the rest of my life and also thinking I could find love again…the better love that I know I deserve…

Note to reader: I wrote this over a year ago. I’m still working on my divorce. I have had many more days of clarity. And every day I continue to strive to forgive myself for leaving my husband even if it was good for me.

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Some people really struggle with this concept.

Other people can be best friends with their exes spouse.

I like to think of myself as the latter.

I have never once felt threatened by my partner’s ex. To me, if they are mature enough to stay friends, they’re mature enough to be around me.

But what happens when the friendship becomes one sided? What happens when only one ex wants to play by the rules?

How do two people stay friends when going through a divorce?

I found myself pondering this exact question tonight after my soon-to-be-ex husband hung up on me in a fit of jealous rage because he overheard a man say hi to me as we were passing each other on the elevator.

What started out as a friendly catch up call quickly turned into a defensive battle of right, wrong, and whose business is it anyways?

But Mason hung up on me. He didn’t like hearing me say,

“Who I hangout with and where I hang out, are no longer your concern”.

He didn’t like that. He hung up.

I messaged him, I reminded him we are still getting divorced, and that he needed to drop this jealous energy.

To which he responded “Clueless”.

The thing is, I can empathize with him. I remember the sharp pain I felt after losing my first love and finding out he was with another girl two weeks after we split up.

It was a horrible feeling. The rotten kind. I remember losing so much weight, cause I couldn’t bear to eat.

I was simply heart broken.

I haven’t had another heart break like that again. Possibly because I’m the one doing the heart breaking.

I’m the one who left this time.

And I ponder. I ponder how little I should give.

I want more than anything to be friends with my ex.

And I can empathize with him.

But at what cost to myself?

When are we going to let each other go?

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Based on the Dear God Letters Dated 03/15/2025.

Today was a beautiful day and the time I got to spend with my daughter and good friends was absolutely God sent. 

This was a great day. 

I got to meet a couple new people. 

I enjoy meeting new people. 

I got to talk to a few people about my situation with Mason. 

They gave me more stuff to think about. 

Gosh this could get messy. 

I don’t want that. 

I don’t want messy. 

What are your thoughts? 

I need money to buy a house. 

But I don’t want to take Mason’s money or his house.  He has nothing else.

I don’t want him coming after my daughter’s stuff. 

And I don’t really want to deal with him or draw this out. 

Just cause I don’t want those things doesn’t mean they shouldn’t happen. 

I can see this really causing me some decision paralysis. 

I feel like this year is going to go a lot faster than I planned. 

Please help me keep my wits about me. 

Please help me control my emotions and my temper. 

Please help me be a good mom.

Please help me do the right thing for me and my daughter. 

And if it’s the right thing for Mason, that would be great too. 

I don’t really know what that would be though.

I don’t want to see him. 

It hurts to see him. 

It hurts me to hurt him. 

I don’t really know which friends I can ask to help me with moving too. 

I don’t want to put them through an awkward situation. 

Also I don’t want my father to have to do all that work on his own. 

And I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with Mason and his grumpiness. 

Maybe I’m anxious over nothing.

Maybe Mason will be perfectly fine and sweet and charming like he has been in the past. 

You never really know with Mason.

I miss my dogs. 

I hope they are ok. 

I also am hoping i find a way to make a lot of money these next few years. 

I want to make enough extra money this year that I could put a 20 percent down payment on a house. 

I obviously can’t buy another house until Mason and I are divorced or he gives me permission to buy the house. 

I really don’t want his opinion at all. 

I want this house to just be mine. 

I am also thinking maybe I should wait before buying a house. 

I am thinking the housing market will go down as layoffs continue. 

Maybe I can buy a foreclosure. 

There is so much I want to do this year…

I just don’t know when I’m going to do it. 

Or if I even should. 

Should I wait. 

Am I going too fast? 

Too slow?

Will you please bring me clarity and wisdom this year. 

Help me feel the world slow down. 

Help me be courageous. 

Help me be wise. 

Help me be a leader. 

Help me be a great mom!

I have really put her through too much as a kid.

How can i help her?

I think we will start going back to church soon. 

I miss it.

I don’t miss going to church with Mason. 

But I do miss hearing your beautiful songs. 

I miss being around your community. 

Please help me find a great church. 

Thank you God for this beautiful day. 

The world is so beautiful with you in it.

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Side note - I didn’t find a church. I did overwhelmed. I’m still not divorced yet, but I’m finally learning to lean in naturally to divine timing.

I feel trepidation now. 

I don’t want to go see my husband but I know he needs help. 

How am I going to get through this situation? 

How do I know if I’m being BRAVE or Callous 

Scared or caring?

I don’t know my feelings. 

I told him I wanted to come by and get some more of my stuff. 

He didn’t respond!!!

This makes me uneasy. 

I know so many other people go through this. 

How do they get through it? 

I am scared. 

I don’t even know exactly what I’m scared of. 

I just know I am scared. 

I’m scared of hurting him. 

Scared of never talking to him again. 

Scared of having to talk to him again. 

Scared of being married to him. 

Scared of divorcing him. 

I am scared. 

I have friends and family but I don’t feel like I’m always getting all the advice I need. 

I’m tired of talking about him with them. 

I’m also sad that I can’t talk about it enough. 

This waiting has me so nervous. 

I feel like the longer I wait the harder the blow there will be. 

But I also feel like starting now would be too soon. 

Is that why I haven’t started writing yet? 

I haven’t been feeling inspired lately. 

I think because I am stagnant now. 

Do you want me to be stagnant right now? 

Do you want me to wait? 

It feels like everything is moving so much faster than I thought it would. 

I feel a strong urge to go ahead and move out from my mom and dad’s. 

They are not very patient with my daughter and they also say things to her that they really shouldn’t. 

It hurts her so bad some of the things they say.

But she also says equally hurtful things.

My parents and I are exhausted trying to keep up with her mind and her intellect. 

In some ways she is just brilliant. 

In other ways so foolish. 

And I can’t get her to listen to a damn word I say.

Is this how my parents felt too? 

I can see she’s in pain.  Physical and emotional.

I can’t imagine her having to be on this planet all alone without me. 

I hope she figures it out and finds the most amazing family. 

She does not deserve this callous life. 

I wish I could help her be happy. 

And resilient. 

And wise. 

She doesn’t listen to a word I say. 

But I can’t even say if I’m happy, resilient or wise.  Who am I to ask her to listen to me, when I don’t know who or what I am. 

I know I am scared. 

Scared of making the wrong move. 

I’m scared of not making any moves. 

I’m mildly concerned that Mason might hurt me. 

He’s never hit me but I just imagine he might really come unglued when he finally realizes I’m not coming back. 

I wish he would leave the house for a couple hours so I could get all my stuff out. 

I wish I could take the dogs too. 

I hope they are happy too. 

I miss Ranger and Marshall.

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Authors note to reader:

Dear reader, I always feel a need to emphasize that I am posting my letters a year out. Today I want to emphasize that this is one of those answers that is unfolding quite slowly, and I can’t make heads or tails of what all will transpire.

Updates since writing this letter:

1. I moved to a beautiful condo in Fort Worth with my daughter.

2. I got all my stuff out that was important to me. No he didn’t leave the house, he followed me around and helped me carry my stuff…

3. My relationship with my daughter is still complicated…but so much better than it used to be. We make progress every day.

4. The dogs stayed with Mason. They seem to be doing better….maybe.

I had a productive day at work. It’s amazing how much better I feel after getting hard work accomplished.

My day did not start off amazing. 

One thing I really struggle with is being ALERT in the mornings. 

Maybe I need to start working out earlier. 

I wore make-up that day.

I felt like people were gawking at me. 

I didn’t know how to feel about being gawked at.  Why can’t I just look nice?

Is it really that unusual? Have I really let myself go that badly?

I want to look pretty. 

I also want to be HIGHLY respected. 

I don’t know what all I want I guess. 

Honestly I feel like you have to know my heart and my mind cause even writing this out and saying it out loud, I still don’t know if I am saying what I intend to say. 

I feel like I can never say the right thing to my daughter. 

She picks apart my words quite a bit. 

I wish I knew how to help her. 

There is only so much time a week for therapy and we haven’t been to see Bruce in a few weeks. 

And it’s really hard to listen to her go on and on about her feelings about her friends at school. 

I know how she misinterprets and hyper analyzes me and everything I say so I can only imagine what she does with her friends at school.

How do I help her through this? 

I wish I could give her a higher self esteem. 

And I wish I could teach her to be calm. 

And understanding. 

I feel like I’ve really screwed up. 

I hate that she has to take four pills a day now to function as a regulated teenager.

I also kept thinking about Mason that day.

I felt like the longer I waited the less likely I was to follow through with divorce and the more likely I am to lose big. 

There are many things I want to be able to do that I can’t do if I am married to Mason.

The most pressing concern is being able to guarantee my daughter’s future. 

I suppose I can’t guarantee it no matter what I do. 

That certainly won’t stop me from wanting to try. 

“This day in particular, when I was writing, I was seriously still considering finding the right Mr. Right and having another kid. All before turning 42. 😂

My daughter is going to be all alone on this planet if we don’t get her help or another dad or another brother or sister.  Right?” 

Am I being unreasonable. 

Am I unhinged? 

What do I do with Mason? 

I don’t want to go back.

I feel like I can’t move forward though until we get divorced. 

And I feel like I’m racing against the clock.

Every day I’m not moving forward I am waisting. 

Why am I struggling to move forward now?

What is stopping me?

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Dear Readers, sometimes I like to talk about what was going on that day. This was written a year ago. I find irony in that this was written a year ago and yet I still feel this way. Not as extreme. Not as urgent. But it still lingers….

Dear God,

Today is a beautiful day.  Thank you for the peace I have felt and the opportunity to see your beautiful design.

I did not feel very productive at work today.  

I hope to turn this around soon. 

I went to Camp Gladiator today and worked out.  That was fun I think.  I am glad I’m able to do it or feel like I’m in a place in my life where I can. 

I am still a little melancholy despite all the wonderful that is surrounding me. 

I suppose it’s natural to feel this way.  I wonder if I will ever find love again.  The madly deeply kind.  Would that person feel the same way for me? 

I feel pretty lost and defeated some. 

I don’t want to be alone. 

I’ve noted this freedom and i am sure I need more. 

I hope I won’t be alone for ever though.

 I want to be SURROUNDED by people. 

People I really love. 

I am frustrated with my feelings for Mason.

Logically I should not have any love for him right? 

He did not treat me well. 

But I can’t help but feel that love.

At least what I feel is love. 

Maybe it’s not love. 

Maybe it’s instinct. 

Maybe attachment. 

I feel sad for him.  I want to comfort him.  I don’t really know how though. 

And I don’t think I should. 

It will give me and him mixed signals. 

I can see it causing more pain. 

What do you think? 

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This can’t be the worst thing that’s ever happened. 

But I’m sure it’s not good either. 

I am sorry for disappointing you.

I’m sorry I didn’t make it work with Mason.

I really thought you intended him for me. 

Now I’m not so sure. 

How could our love turn so sour. 

Am I the problem?

I don’t think I am. 

I think he is a BIG part of the problem. 

I am not trying to get pity. 

I want to have the answers though. 

I want to do right by my husband

and my daughter. 

What is best for both of them. 

And ultimately what is BEST for me.

I was having one of those days where a bunch of little things were making it a worse one.

I am glad that I can still see the beauty after all the other things that stress me out. 

My husband could not come to terms with the fact that he might need mental help. 

And then I was and am having to work on top of taking my daughter to school events and doctors appointments. 

The positive in me recognizes how lucky I am to have a job that allows me to do that. 

The concern in me tells me that it looks suspicious at work and I don’t want to give them the wrong impression (unless they want to give me more money). 

I also recognize that it’s a busy time for us and it’s just not a good time for me to take time off of work. 

I am very grateful for these opportunities that have afforded me and I don’t want to take them for granted. 

I am going to soak up the knowledge as much as I can. 

I also realized I needed to start writing and  I need to start soon or I knew wouldn’t do it. 

I had bought the Microsoft software but it was on my mom’s computer.

She had gifted it to me a couple years ago.

And I couldn’t get into her email to retrieve what I needed to actually get into the software.

It was just one more nuisance and obstacle that was getting in the way of my dreams. I had not heard of Substack yet.

I had planned on writing entire books before sending them out in the void to become famous.

A good chunk of my musings were inspired by my husband and I wasn’t (and still am) never certain that I have done the right thing.

People hear my story and tell me I am a good person. I still don’t think I am even if I try.

This entire time we have been separated, he has pretended that we will go back to normal.

I don’t think that’s a good thing, right?

My daughter would never forgive him. 

And I don’t and still don’t see him changing. 

Not the way I need him to. 

Breaking up is tricky. 

And I’m sad. 

I don’t want to show him that I am sad. 

But I am. 

I thought he was the one. 

The love of my life. 

And now I’m so mad at him I don’t see a way for us to ever be together. 

I felt and feel so foolish. 

So foolish for staying as long as I did. 

So sad that he wasn’t the man I thought he would be or was. 

I’m realizing through this that I’m scared. 

I didn’t and don’t want to be alone. 

I want a male companion as I get older. 

And I feel so ugly right now.

Ugly in my heart, in my mind, in my soul.

How could i possibly expect to find someone that can meet my standards when I don’t even meet my own?

I’m so afraid I’m going to fall for the same guy again.  The one that secretly wants to be mothered. And then they meet me and they all become lazy after that.

And then I make the same mistakes and not even realize I’m doing it. 

I don’t want a luke warm love. 

At the time

I wrote this, I wanted that passionate, consuming, love. 

But I knew that wasn’t good for me either.

I begged God, I don’t want to be alone. 

“Please don’t make me stay alone.  I truly still hope to find a man one day I can stand with and conquer the world with.”

One thing I asked for was healing from the pain. 

I don’t know how to describe the pain.  It’s muted.  I think it’s more guilt?  I felt a ton of guilt for leaving my husband.  Rage. I felt a lot of rage. He could say the tiniest thing to me and I would blow steam out of my ears.

I thought, How do I break this? How could I possibly calm my triggers. And not feel heart burn every time I thought about my husband.

I also missed (and still do) my dogs. 

I wish I could see them more.

When I first left I couldn’t tell that they missed me.

I can’t tell if they are happy though.

I think he would be sad if I took them. 

He says he doesn’t like them and he thinks they are ruining his lawn, but I think secretly he wants them right now. 

Every time I ask him if I can take them off his hands he gets defensive.

He has an uncle that his parents have to help out too sometimes. I think maybe they should move in together and help each other out?

At the time I wrote my letter back in March, I wanted anyone that would come, to take my burden from my shoulders.

I hated to think of my husband as a burden.

But it is what it is when he stopped showing up.

If you have a spouse and you are reading this and you know you can do better for your marriage…do it now.

Don’t wait. Don’t make excuses.

Go get a family counselor and start doing the real work as God intended for your marriage (assuming you believe in God).

Don’t wait til it’s too late to get help.

Cause if you do, you will lose them. And you don’t want to end up like my husband.

And maybe if you’re like me and you’ve done everything you possibly can to hold your marriage together and it still falls apart….i am sorry. I am sorry they didn’t show up for you. I am sorry that you have carried this inner burden for as long as you have.

I have observed that we typically think marriage will save us from ourselves. But what we end up realizing is that as soon as we get married, we feel safe. And this perceived safety is exactly why spouses take each other for granted. And why so many marriages don’t make it.

Stop pretending you are safe. Stop relying on your partner to make you feel safe. And start showing up. Fully. Pretend like you have nobody but yourself and you have to figure out how to survive. Cause if you can’t make your marriage work….well than you really will only have you to survive again.

You will both be starting over.

Dear friends,

Have you ever had a day that just didn’t go right? And everything pissed you off?

I was feeling pretty frustrated one day.  My life was coming into new alignment but with alignment comes shifts.

I took my daughter to two appointments tgat day, one of which got canceled on us last minute as we were arriving. It was our therapist.

Oh my heart sank. I was needing to talk to him about my game plan for separation and divorce.

I had only been separated two months at the time. I had not found the Chat GPT yet. So my therapist canceling, might as well cut off my oxygen tube.

I couldn’t get any work done.  

I wish I could have enjoyed that but I also realized, if I want to make good things happen, I needed to start to buckle down at the office.

One thing being a single parent for a health challenged child, is coordinating all the doctors appointments. Not just for her though. For me and For my husband still.

And then I’m a high speed and high volume executive. So my brain gets morphed into warp speed anxiety. If you were to see my office, you would think me a tidy human.

But if you were to see my home, it couldn’t be further from the truth. My brain simply can’t stand it.

My daughter sees a bunch of specialists. Some of them want to see her every week. Some twice a week. Some once a month or every six months.

I plan them around days when I think I’ll have downtime…but I don’t think that’s a thing around my world.

Whenever I make appointments, I’ve got to be careful or I will start to get worn down.

Mom and Dad help me get her to her appointments and that’s not so bad. But sometimes they got their own appointments too.

One particular stressor was my daughter’s vision. She can’t see….very well.

I also don’t get much help from her dad. When I left him, I settled for the minimum child support ($250 a month) and never asked him for anything after that. Except recently.

I had talked to him about helping out more. Surprisingly he said yes.

He took her to get glasses…they picked them out…but than he couldn’t afford them.

So there is that….. 

And her glasses were going to take two weeks to be made.  So that meant I had to go up there and pay for them myself.

Her contacts were also taking too long. What is she going to do if she can’t see?  

I can’t imagine the pain of not being able to see. 

I am glad that Joe seems to want to help. 

I am struggling with asking him to spend a lot of money on her.  But he seems to want to.  So I should let him?

Also Mason…what was I going to do about Mason?

I was excited about getting an apartment. I had pondered many days about getting an apartment or buying a home.

I kept thinking, what would my daughter want?

I didn’t think I was ready for a $500 k home. But that’s about how much they cost around these parts to get a semi decent one in a semi decent neighborhood.

But I think could certainly get there this time next year. 

I asked God,

Maybe living in an apartment would be really great for her and me?  Should she stay at her school or change? 

Is acting/show choir going to be a door that closes for her? 

I certainly hope not. 

She loves it. 

But there is a lot of drama with her friends. 

I am not sure what is best for her.

What do you think?

Also what am I going to do about Mason?  It seems easier to just distance myself.  I miss Ranger and Marshall.  I hope they know I love them and I hope they are happy and at peace over there with Mason.

I don’t actually expect him to go out and get a job.  But if he can’t get a job he should be going for disability. 

Ugh I talk about this enough you already know how I feel about it.  I feel torn I guess? 

Or is it indifferent? 

I’m not sure how to describe this. 

I didn’t want to see him.  I didn’t want to talk to him.  I didn’t mind talking to him but I didn’t really want to talk to him. 

And some part of me wants to talk to him. 

But I really don’t. 

I think I really just want connection. 

I miss that feeling I used to have for him. 

I used to just be so in love with him. 

I completely lost myself.  

I melt just remembering how I felt for him. 

Will I ever feel that way again?

This is a deeply personal vignette and I hope you enjoy and relate if you so choose. This isn’t exactly based on a Dear God letter, because this time I didn’t write one. I actually talked to him out loud.

Before I dive into our seemingly one sided conversation, I want to give some more context. You know…set the scene. Get you in the feels. Settle you in my shoes. 👠 👠

I was anxious to get home on Saturday after having a long night hosting a sleepover for my daughter and her friends.

The girls are great, but they’re teenagers, they make a mess, they don’t cleanup, and my daughter doesn’t take correction well especially when they’re around or watching.

I was already feeling gassed after a trip out to New Mexico with one of my close friends and her parents and kids.

I have been feeling depressed over the end of my marriage. Which I knew was coming but I finally filed so my days are just that much more bitter sweet.

I found out we will likely being letting go of one of my staff in the near future, and I gave her some heads up against the advice of my superior so I have been feeling anxious and stupid.

And when my daughter gave me attitude Saturday morning in front of her friends when I asked her to keep up with her key fob to get in the building, I about lost it.

I was trying to teach my kid accountability. I wasn’t even mad at her. I just wanted her to realize she was responsible for keeping up with her stuff.

And if she did she wouldn’t have to keep depending on me to get inside the building, go to the gym, or access her items she leaves in my car.

She told me her friends were scared of me and thought I was mean. This deeply hurt me because I drive her friends around everywhere. I typically pay for their breakfast and dinner when they come over because they are poor and their home life is not great.

After she said that, I felt so uncomfortable in my home. I couldn’t even enjoy my living room. I Barricaded myself out on my patio and I stayed out there as much as I could.

My daughter stayed the next night with my parents after I dropped her off and I came home and had a much needed long over due deep session with the almighty.

I went all day feeling malaise, weepy, dejected, worthless. I had been grasping as straws trying to make meaning out of my life, my mistakes, my wins.

And I found myself in the bathroom, my beautiful bougie bathroom, and I stared up at this one light in there and I weeped. I held out my arms and I asked it out loud… Who Am I?

For the first time in my life, I realized that I really didn’t know.

And it wasn’t just the silly introspection someone takes when they want to figure out their life.

I wanted to know who I was…through Gods eyes.

To understand this, I have to take you down my journey and perhaps a bit of my childhood.

I was and still am an only child.

At age four I found out about death and the value of money. I also learned my parents were older than most.

My mom told me while washing my hair in the kitchen sink about death.

I threw a temper tantrum screaming,

“I don’t want to die I don’t want to die I never want to die!!!”

I felt an instant urge to protect myself when I realized that after my parents were gone, I was all I had.

My parents worked over nights.

They enjoyed their peace.

No internet. We had Cable TV. None of that fast forwarding through commercials.

That meant a lot of quiet days inside the house. Or in my case, adventures in the back yard. I built forts out of old fence wood. Pretended to be Annie and the Wicked Witch of the West. Walked around barefoot in the swamp land when it flooded…until an earthworm found its way on top of my toes…

aaaaagggghhhhhh.

I pretended to be anybody else other than me.

I didn’t think I was that interesting or important.

No siblings.

No friends…I mean I played with the kids down the street but they all thought I was weird and like I should be playing with kids my own age.

I was three years older than the oldest kid on my block.

The kids next door were rotten and mean.

They hurt me. Constantly tried to beat me up. Call me names. I would have to run out into the street to get away from the youngest when he was chasing me with a piece of splintered wood and a nail in it.

Mom thought he had a crush on me. If that’s what a crush looked like..I sure as hell didn’t want it.

I don’t think mom knew the extent of how bad these kids were cause she slept during the day.

My dad…I think he wanted me to figure things out. So when the kids attacked me in my front yard one day…he was out there watching. He didn’t do anything. Just watched. I think cause he knew I could handle my own. I think he would have stepped in too if it got too bad.

I fought off three gremlins. All of them three years younger than me. Their mom got mad at me for fighting back. She said they’re younger than you…you can’t fight back.

When I ran out to the street to get away from them…their mom would yell at me and tell me “you know he can’t run out into the street like that, you can’t go out into the street cause he will follow you…”

I thought ok lady…can you stop blaming me for protecting myself and bust your kids ass for being an asshole….puhleeeze

My mom was very protective, so much that I had to beg her to let me go out front of the house.

And then I had to beg her to let me walk down the street six houses.

My world view was pretty limited.

And I lied about everything.

My non existent brothers and sisters.

My parents who were “race car drivers”.

My vision (20/20) cause I didn’t want to get in trouble for talking in class. I went as far as getting and wearing glasses I didn’t really need.

My pretend boyfriend that I would go wait for down the street.

Brushing my teeth….

You name it…I’d lie about it. I would make stuff up just to have something to talk about.

When I wasn’t lieing to others, I was imagining wild stories inside my head.

I would swing at the school playground, and pretend I was the princess bride and I was flying off the top of the roof and I was about to land on a horse…but I only ever landed on gravel.

I imagined saving lives. And being a hero.

The kids at school were not nice. I don’t think I was either though. I wanted attention. Anyone to play with me. So I would grab the boys by the horns…just kidding…their hands, and I would spin them around really fast and let go. They would go flying…that was funny.

One day one of them tried to break my finger though. So I stopped playing that game.

When I was 12, a girl that went to my school was kidnapped, raped, tortured and murdered.

Her name was Amber. She was 9. They created the Amber Alert after her kidnapping. Her death saved thousands of lives. Except her own.

I didn’t know her. But the kids down the street did.

I was at Braums with my friend Cathy when Amber was kidnapped.

It was a beautiful day in February I think. Mom said the crazies always come out on the nice days that aren’t suppose to be nice.

The whole city (or at least our neighborhood) went into lockdown. Police were everywhere. In every house, including our own.

I was that kid that just wanted to talk talk talk so I tried to answer questions for the cops but mom told me to shush cause what I was talking about wasn’t what they were talking about.

There were no real leads. Just a color blind man and a dark colored truck. That meant anyone with dark green, dark blue, dark grey, or a black truck was a suspect.

It changed our lives forever. No more random walks down the block to knock on the door to see if your neighbor could come out to play….nope back to the back yard…I don’t remember how old I was when I finally got to go back out front again. It felt like a life time.

I got older, grew up, started seeing more of the world…through the eyes of people that called me naive, silly, “precious” and spoiled.

One thing remained constant…survival. I knew I had to survive. I had to make money. I had to start saving. I had to plan for my future.

I saved every dollar my parents and grandparents ever gave me. I counted my money every other day…like Scrooge. I kid you not, I knew that the more Washington’s I had, the better off I was.

One time mom and dad “borrowed” $20 to pay for Burger Box…Mom had asked me if she could use it and I told her yes…but I was too young to realize what she was really asking…

and when I discovered I was missing money….oh Jesus, the gates of hell broke open and I unleashed my fury…or fear. I was more fearful. I didn’t know where my money went. Where did my money go? Mommy, daddy where is my money? Someone took it, it’s gone…

My $20 showed back up the next day after hours of crying. I was so upset.

I also remember a day when my dog drowned. She was a puppy. And it was my fault. I was playing the wicked witch and locked her and our other dog in the pool gate. I didn’t know…

Mom and I went to a movie to see Fried Green Tomatoes and when I came back mom and dad told me what happened. I was 8?

I think that may have been a moment in my life where I finally started accepting responsibility for other people and their well being. Cause I could have prevented that from happening.

I cried for two weeks straight. I was so guilty. She was a Christmas present from Santa Claus and she drowned because of me.

And then mom and dad got me another puppy and I named her Idgy after Idgy threadgood from Fried Green Tomatoes. That poor dog…y’all I may have had a heart of gold but I was not a good dog mom. I’m realizing that now. I cuddled with her. Slept with her. Loved her. But when my parents weren’t around I was also making her do flips in the air. One day she landed on her back on the concrete…she screamed….i cried..i said i’m so sorry. And I never did it again.

Flash forward to my “woe is me day”.

I was having a conversation with God, feeling really bad about myself. Cause I realized that I have the best of intentions, but I still hurt a lot of people. And animals.

I’m afraid to have another pet now. My first dog drowned, my second dog survived after I learned that you shouldn’t make them do flips, my third dog I had to abandon at the shelter after she got into a dog fight, and my two dogs with my husband I abandoned to get away from my husband…they’re technically his dogs but I considered them mine.

I’m terrified to have another animal though. And I love pets. I think this time I could do it right…but who knows with me…

And then I started thinking about people. How codependent I was. The last three major relationships I had were all some level of codependency.

My first boyfriend was probably my healthiest relationship, but we were together every single day until we broke up…and I thought that was a good thing.

My second relationship…I became a mom and a step mom. I really loved my step daughter. But I couldn’t keep her. She wasn’t mine. And I had to leave her dad. He was abusive. A Addict. Heroine addict if that makes a difference.

When I left him, that meant I had to leave her. It’s truly one of the days I still have a lot of regret over cause I don’t know if I could have done it better.

And my last relationship…I was so ashamed of who i was before..that I completely shrunk myself to fit into his mold. His world.

Who does that?

And then I had to leave him too.

I’m starting to think I’m not good at this relationship stuff. And it’s sad cause I do crave connection.

But I realized who I am finally.

I think it was an important question and an important realization. It was that light bulb moment I have been searching for. God gives me the light bulb moments.

I realized who I am. I am a mom. And I’m a fierce mom. I’m cut throat. And I still don’t get shit right…but everything I do, I do for my kid. Every decision I made, I made for her and me.

I prioritize her above my husband, my step daughter, and my dogs.

I think there is bitter sweet in this. Realizing I am a mom will help me make better decisions now. Because it’s not just about me anymore. It’s about her. It’s about her future.

I am tethered to her. It’s an instinctual bond I will fight to the death to protect.

And it’s sad I think…that I’m just now realizing this? I mean I’ve always known I was her mom. I always knew I would protect her to the ends of the earth…but now I know God sees it too.

I think knowing myself through Gods eyes helps me make peace with what I’ve done. And I think God wanted me to know that. And I think this is a turning point for me.

I can have the best of intentions but that doesn’t always mean it’s the right thing to do.

And until I can handle another pet to take care of, I certainly don’t need to be dating, let alone in a relationship.

I leave you with this. Who are you? What are you willing to die for? Kill for? Abandon for?

What kind of carnage do you drum up?

Is it worth it? Can you do better? Can I?

Do you forgive yourself? Do the ends justify the means? At the end of the day..can you sleep?

Thanks for listening.

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Today’s edition is based on The Dear God Letters dated 03/02/2025

Today is a beautiful day and I am soaking it up.

I am still apprehensive and scared. 

Have you ever felt like things are moving too slowly?  And maybe too fast too? 

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I feel like I don’t have enough minutes to do all the things I want to do on this world. 

I am realizing that i am feeling pretty greedy lately.  I think it’s greedy. Another case of the “I Wants…”

I saw this beautiful three bedroom house out in Prosper on a man made Lagoon and I absolutely fell in love with the idea. 

Somehow I’ve got it in my head that this year I’ll be able to afford a half million dollar home. 

I want these things but I feel ashamed asking for them.

I don’t NEED them.

But I do work hard so I can have them.

That’s why I went to grad school. To make money. Have nice things. Provide for my family.

I feel like going for what I want and being a little selfish is exactly what my daughter and I need.  

For once I really want to focus on myself too. 

I want to focus on meeting quality people.

What is quality though? 

I keep thinking of the lagoon area. 

I am hopeful to change my friend group up. I really love my friends too, but I could use more.  

And I want to have a relaxing fun community that I can really get to know. 

It would be a great place to start my life over. 

I think. 

I don’t know. 

Whenever I am at a cross roads I ask for Gods intervention

I don’t want to make the wrong decisions. 

I need intervention for my heart and my brain.

I need help discerning between worthy and greedy.

Today really was a beautiful day.  Days like today, I feel so close to God.  I feel him in my heart.  In my lungs. In the air I breathe.

It feels like the greatest hug.  I am thankful for anything as simple as a walk/run.  It felt amazing. 

I love meeting random people too that like to talk.  I met one day and I think her name was Stephanie.  She seemed like a God wink. 

I feel like God wanted me to be social and meet new people. 

I am considering if I should get an apartment or if I should wait and get the house I’ve been eager to own.  What do you think? 

I am also quite tempted by some of the recruiters I have been hearing from. 

The timing is awfully suspect. 

I am not sure what to think of it. 

These sound like opportunities to make a whole lot more money in a short amount of time. 

I don’t think the timing is right though. 

But I also have to consider that my position is constantly going to be on the line no matter where I am at. 

I want to make wise decisions. 

I want to make smart, calculated, educated and mildly risky decisions.

I want to push myself to be great. 

Most important to me is protecting my kid.

That will take a village and God’s doing a great job surrounding us with community.

I can’t do that without you. 

I need your courage and wisdom. 

I need your mind and your wit. 

Please help me hone my instincts. 

Please help me learn to control my temper without me having to learn it the hard way. 

Please help my daughter. 

She is really upset and frustrated with show choir and theater. 

She doesn’t want lose her best friends. 

She feels like she is the worst at everything. 

How can I let her feel that way? 

I don’t know what to say or what to do for her. 

It’s not in my control. 

We really need your direction. 

I want to encourage her to keep trying. 

To keep going for it. 

That this next time will be her big break. 

God I want her to be so encouraged. 

Can you encourage her please. 

Can you give her something amazing to look forward to at school. 

I know she is so excited about her camp counselor job this summer. 

I am so happy for her and I know that was your doing. 

You are amazing. 

The work you do is amazing. 

Can you work on her confidence now? 

Show her she can make it!

Above all, I am thankful for today and thankful for tomorrow.

Time is precious and I am eager to make the most of it while I can.

Have you ever felt completely WRECKED after a temper tantrum that could have been avoided? If only you were more medicated? Or regulated? Or good?

I had LOST my temper around Mason. 

I said things I would have left myself over if he had ever spoken to me that way.

How could that possibly honor God’s will?

What was WRONG with me?

I want to love myself MORE. 

I don’t think I have demanded enough for MYSELF. 

But I want to make sure I am putting God before myself.

I DON’T want to be selfish or greedy. 

I AM though. 

I am always thinking about MONEY . 

I sometimes wonder if this is a blessing or a curse? 

I remember a parable I read from THE ALMIGHTY BOOK about the king giving each man a set of talents to hold on to.

Some equate talent with money and it went like this:

Man 1: Received 5 talents

Man 2: Received 2 talents

Man 3: Received 1 talent.

Man 1 invested the money, DOUBLED it, and turned it into 10 talents.

Man 2 invested the money, DOUBLED it, and turned it into 4 talents.

Man 3 was AFRAID , buried the money in the ground, and returned the original amount. He did nothing with the LIFE he was given.

I have always aligned myself with the man that had five talents and invested it, doubled it, etc.

But WHY do I feel so BAD about myself sometimes?

I had such a HIGH self image right after Mason and I split up but now…I feel pretty LOWLY. 

And OLD. 

I feel very OLD and UGLY 

I want to feel pretty. 

I want to get healthy. 

I want to help my daughter get healthy. 

Healthy BOTH in mind and body.

And I want to make the most of the next few YEARS/TALENTS I have with her before she goes off to college. 

I am scared of this new regime we have in office. 

My daughter raises some good concerns. 

We are worried there will be another holocaust here. 

I also have no idea how I would survive abroad. 

I don’t know any other languages and I’ve never traveled like that. 

My mind also keeps skipping back to Mason What is he going to do for money?  Which man in the story is he?

How is he going to SURVIVE ?

I try not to worry, cause ANXIETY made me make not great decisions, but I have to HUMBLE myself enough to know that this could happen to me some day? 

Am I going to find a GREAT LOVE again and am I going to have a STROKE and lose them too? 

Cause I would DESERVE it right? 

EYE for an Eye.

Mind for a MIND .

I wish Mason would be healed.

I wouldn’t even know what that looks like anymore though.

I had a rough and beautiful day. Emphasis on the rough.

I missed Mason a lot. 

I thought about him most of the day. 

I miss him. 

I missed snuggling with him and being able to tell him about my day. 

I found out this was a deep sense and need for familiarity and not necessarily an actual sign that I still loved him.

I wondered if it really would be all that I hope for. 

That connection I miss. 

Did we ever really have it? 

Was this all a projection in my mind? 

I hurt.  I hurt.  I hurt for him. 

He was my best friend. 

What does this mean? 

After I first left I thought, there was no way in HELL I would ever go back. 

I often contemplate Gods voice.

Was this a new flutter to changing my heart?

I fleetingly thought….is there a chance for Mason and I? 

What about my daughter? 

She will never forgive him right? 

Or would Mason ever forgive her? 

I don’t think my daughter has as much to answer for as he does, but HOW COULD WE ever possibly move forward if they couldn’t forgive each other?

I had been begging for years for them to get along. 

For our family to be saved. 

It never happened.

I suppose it wasn’t meant to be saved?

I talked to mother-in-law.

I could tell she was also pretty hurt. 

She didn’t say it but I could hear it in her voice.

In her silence. 

In what she wasn’t saying. 

My father in law didn’t talk to me. 

I think I’m ok with that,

I never married them,

I married Mason. 

I imagined the worst case scenario with his kids. Oddly enough they weren’t too icy. They actually kissed my ass for a little bit.

I didn’t expect to see his daughter again. She never wanted me around in the first place anyway.

I was not in a rush to divorce Mason at that time. I just knew I was being foolish. 

I believed these thoughts and feelings in my heart were also from God. 

I told my mother in law that I wouldn’t abandon him. 

I don’t want to. 

I wish I had enough money to take care of him too. 

I want to make good money one day

and I hope I can give back to Mason. 

He really did so much for me and my career.

I hate that this stroke ever happened to him. 

It feels like any chance at a normal life is impossible now because of it. 

God I really thought he was designed for me.

I feel my soul aching for his soul.

What does this mean?

Have you ever had a day that was both really painful and also cathartically healing and relaxing?

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This was one of those days.

I was (and some days still am) a crying mess when it comes to Mason. 

That day, I allowed myself to imagine a Mason in a universe where he got his life together and we fell back in love. 

I could never tell anyone about it. 

They would think I was so weak. 

At least my daughter would. 

I promised her I wouldn’t go back. 

I also had promised Mason and God that I would take Mason to be my husband until death do us part. 

What good is my promise? 

I thought I was a good person. 

I still think I am. 

But I do the wrong thing sometimes. 

I feel like the right thing was definitely to leave.

But now I struggle with what is still right?

At the time, I thought, should I plan to reconcile with Mason?

Or at the very least,

slow down on moving to divorce? 

Or should i go full steam ahead and move on with my life? 

Today I was in tears just thinking about it. 

Just thinking of saying divorce to Mason had me bawling.  

I also had a client that was absolutely turning me sideways. And they had lost a lot of their data as they were winding up their business and preparing to sell.

I was half relieved. I had been complaining about them to God.

I half wondered if God was telling me, ok, move on, this is not your burden to carry anymore.  

I couldn’t understand why they wanted prepped financials anyways. 

And I was feeling out of my element some.  The client had ignored all of my advice about hiring competent staff to manage the day to day transactions.

They needed a staff accountant.

They hired a logistics coordinator instead (with a degree from a university that didn’t exist) and told me to train her.

Then they got pissed cause she couldn’t figure out how to use a fucking spreadsheet.

Incompetence drives me banaNas!!!

I was worried I might face some back lash. 

Why couldn’t I just say no? I knew I didn’t want that job.

I still worry about it some. 

But a little less now that this might be over now.  It sounds like they got sold.  And we can all move on. 

I do hope to stay in touch with Bev though.  She is very special. 

I would really like it if I get to connect with her one day in person. 

After God released me from this burden, I declared:

I am going to start pushing forward with self care and creative expression now.

How could I possibly do that without Gods direction though.

Both then and now, I navigate these feelings i am having for my husband and the feelings I have against my husband too. 

At the core, I beg God for the right decisions for me and my daughter.

I pray that Mason will benefit too. 

I hope after this season of my life, that I not dwell too long on the past.  (I chuckle cause I wrote this nearly a year ago and I use it for fodder in my daily writings).

My hope is to focus on the present and the future.

I want to move at a good and honorable and steady and smart pace as I push forward with our separation and divorce. 

And God if it’s not your will for us to divorce please intercede. 

My emotions for him are clouding my logic. 

My emotions tell me maybe he will finally be the man I’ve always wanted him to be. 

The miracle I prayed for. 

The logical part of me says that even if he gets better, I won’t live up to my full potential if I stay with him. 

And the logical part tells me it’s impossible. 

My heart aches thinking about this. 

I’m also so angry with him. 

I’m angry with myself too. 

How could I believe it was ok to fall so head over heels in love with him?  

I completely lost myself. 

Again. 

I lost myself in Dusty.

I lost myself in Joseph. 

I lost myself again in Mason.

What is wrong with me? 

Is it really plausible that I believe I’m not good enough? 

That’s what made me cry earlier today when we were watching Inside Out 2. 

That movie made me feel so seen. 

God I am going to start believing in myself more!!!

And I am going to pray on this and I plan on really seizing the opportunity you have given me at life. 

I want to stop disappointing you. 

I want to start taking some good risks so that I can really start to propel my life. 

I want to see your beautiful world. 

I want to witness your work first hand. 

I am going to make this my next big goal. 

I told God I loved him, I loved his son.  

I prayed for God to give Mason the wisdom and spirit of the almighty. 

Please give him the sight. 

Please give him the vision. 

And shower him in so much love.

If you’ve ever been through a breakup 💔, you’ve probably asked yourself…

Am I moving on too fast?  🏃‍♀️

Or maybe you haven’t. I used to obsess over them. Maybe it depends if you’re on the receiving end? Cause if you’re in the thick of leaving, you’ve probably had months, if not years, to grieve before you actually shot off the smoking gun.

I remember being so angry 😡 with myself for knowing in advance that I couldn’t carry this burning pain all my life. I knew I should though.

How could I possibly ever forgive myself?

I remember feeling this way when I had to surrender Honey Bear at the pound.  I didn’t know if it was really the right thing to do. 

She had developed cushions disease and in her case made her an overly aggressive and possessive fighter.

We had to start keeping her separate from the other dogs for their protection.

But one day my mom forgot to lock the gate all the way. And she got out. She went after Daisy, our German Shepard. A blood bath ensued.

My mom got in the middle of it. She got bit. Thank God my neighbor was there to break up the fight and get my mom out of there.

Animal control came and took my fur baby. My ride-or-die beloved pup. She was at the time 85 pounds and 9 years old, but to me, she was still my baby.

I remember being in tears, frantic, desperate to see her and hug her and hold her and tell her I loved her. That I forgave her. That I knew she didn’t know any better. That I would be with her to the bitter end. But I knew we couldn’t leave that shelter together.

They gave me a choice. Might as well have been a Sophie’s choice for me.

Spend thousands of dollars to nurse her back to health and I could come back and pick her back up in two weeks and bring her home.

Or I could pay a $25 fee to surrender her to the city. Where she would be euthanized.

I knew I couldn’t bring her home after that. My impossible decision was a no brainer. But who was I to decide the fate of another being’s life? A being I loved immensely. 

I had brought her favorite toy when I went to see her and say goodbye. But they wouldn’t let me be with her when they put her down.

She was so happy and relieved to see me. She was sore too. She moved around like an old girl with arthritis. Clearly in pain from the gnawing and gnashing from her fight a few days prior. She thought I was coming to take her home.

I wanted more than anything to bring her home. But I didn’t. I said goodbye. Under the watchful eyes of the shelter. They told me no contact with my beloved. I couldn’t even let her lick my hand or touch her nose.

My husband was with me (at the time he was just my boyfriend…this happened so long ago and i can remember the pain like it was today).

I abandoned her to die because I had to protect my daughter and my parents. That’s what I had to tell myself to forgive myself.

I had to choose my love for them over my love for her. 

She loved me so unconditionally. 

I feel like Mason maybe loved me the way she did?  He always seemed to be possessive over me. 

Especially when it came to my daughter and the dogs. 

I can’t believe I didn’t see that before. 

Now I feel like I’m about to abandon my husband like he’s another one of my dogs that severely misbehaved.

I don’t know if I should love again.

I remember the day I met you.

I had been praying for you.

I had not met you yet

But I knew you the moment we met.

We sat feet apart.

But our souls were dancing!

I came there for an interview.

I needed a job.

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I was expecting an old, pretentious man.

The kind that are falling apart…

What I found was so much more.

I found an awkwardly misunderstood handsome fox.

You filled the door way as if the door were too small.

Your hair was perfect.

You were perfectly groomed and suited.

You tried to ask me a question.

Your breath caught in your throat and you choked.

You were so adorably awkward.

I saw stars in my eyes.

I felt fireworks in my loins.

You were the one!

Here he is.

The one I’ve been waiting for.

I guess you liked my answers.

You went and got the owner.

He said congratulations…you’re our number one contestant.

He leered at me liked I was a hot cheerleader.

He didn’t even really have any questions for me.

It made me nauseous.

But you had dignity.

You were embarrassed.

We worked for a clown.

I could feel your gaze.

But you were respectful.

Honorable. Professional. Kind.

But you were my boss.

That couldn’t be right.

What a cruel joke. 🥀

I couldn’t cross that line…could I?

I knew you were special.

I could smell your intelligence.

I could feel your shyness.

I thought I was the lion and you were the lamb.

I knew you needed love.

You had a sadness about you.

A darkness too. Like you were misunderstood.

I was the only one who understood you.

Do you remember that?

Do you remember how you inspired me?

We worked together over a year.

Before I finally lured you out.

I tricked you.

I said, come out with me and my friends.

They’re single….

But my friends knew better.

You were off limits.

They rolled their eyes. Told me don’t do it.

You knew better.

You knew what I was after.

And you bit.

You followed the hook..

I picked you up and you met my friends.

Remember that friend I had..

She asked you what kind of girl you liked?

Remember how I almost ran the car off the road?

I was so madly in love with you.

I couldn’t stop thinking of you!!!

I compared them all to you.

And you were just my boss.

My very flirty boss.

I wasn’t a fool.

I know it wasn’t one sided.

You let it happen.

You let me fall for you.

You bragged about your fraternity.

Your Ivy League Alma Mater.

Your bragged about your family, your kids, your parents, your brother.

You were personal,

Not just professional.

I knew you wanted me.

Just as much as I wanted you.

You saw right through me.

You saw what no one else could see.

You encouraged me to reach for my dreams.

You got the company to pay for my school.

Of course you loved me.

You loved me like I loved you.

I just had nothing to give.

Nothing but my heart.

I used to love our love story.

I used to brag about it.

I thought we were the exception to the rule.

The ones that made it.

God ordained.

I remember those days fondly.

I don’t remember the girl though.

I don’t remember her fondly at least.

I pity her.

And I pity you.

If only we knew what kind of pain would bring to each other…

You told me yesterday that ….

You should have fired me.

You broke my heart when you told me that.

The day I told you I liked you…

You said you should have fired me.

That hurt a lot.

To have our love story reduced to that moment.

That moment you now regret.

I guess the one we both do.

I know I hurt you too.

I can see why your mind goes that way.

I hope you will forgive me someday.

I hope you will forgive yourself.

Cause I don’t want to regret you.

Not anymore.

We were friends first before we were lovers

I thought of nobody but you.

I was talking with my husband today and I still have so much hope for him.

Even after he told me that he should have fired me when I told him I wanted to be with him.

(For new readers…he was my boss before he was my lover).

I really hope for the most amazing path for Mason. 

I just know if he knew that God wanted him

to figure his way out of the hole he got himself into,

he would start doing what he needs

to do to survive. 

I am sad to say this,

but I can’t help but think

that Mason thinks he can just rely

on me and his parents forever. 

The rate at which he tries to get better

is alarmingly slow. 

I am aware that this could possibly

be due to his Acquired Brain Injury. 

It functions very similar

to how Traumatic Brain Injuries do. 

The main difference is that…..

an Acquired Brain Injury can happen again

where as a Traumatic Brain Injury

is much less likely to reoccur.

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 Actually that’s probably wrong too. 

I shouldn’t speak about things

I don’t actually know about. 

I suppose once you have a brain injury

what’s to stop your brain

from injuring again?

I hope Mason gets the help he needs though. 

He definitely needs God. 

I asked God, Please surround him with your love. 

Help him “wake” up.

I remember debating on whether or not

I should show him this. 

My letters to God.

I felt like that would be in poor taste now. 

I realized I needed to let go of control

and to let God do his work. 

I need to surrender. 

And surrender to God’s perfect plan, whatever that might be.

I knew God already had it charted in the stars. He already knows what needs to be done.

I pray for Mason. Even though he tends to use scripture to control me, I still prayed for him cause I love him. 

I am very sad that this is what happened to us. 

But I am ready to move forward with my life. 

I don’t want to go back

and learn from my mistake a second time. 

I want to be reinvented in Jesus.

I want God to know that my heart belongs to him. 

And I know I’m not perfect. 

I am so completely flawed. 

I have my own brain damage to deal with. 

I pray Mason finds his peace.

Another thought I just had. 

I know I am angry with Mason. 

But I can’t tell if I am angry with him

because I think he really could

get his life together if he really wanted to

or if God really wanted him to..

or if I am just telling myself

that to justify and make myself feel better

for leaving him and wanting a divorce.

I asked God ….what are your plans for us? 

This marriage isn’t going to last right? 

It’s not meant to be….

I can’t logically think of a reason

why I would ever go back. 

It would take a God miracle. 

Right?

I still have emotion for him. 

I still worry for him. 

I still think about him. 

I still want to help him…

But I want to help me too!!!

I want to help me more! 

I feel like he has turned

into a sinking boat. 

Which is heart breaking. 

We were so in love right? 

Were we ever in love? 

Was it one sided? 

Did he just use me? 

Or was I infatuated with him? 

Was I in love with the idea of rescue? 

Was I in love with what he meant to me? 

Did we ever really love each other? 

And even then…

were we really supposed to get married? 

Cause I am realizing right now

how completely different we are

from each other. 

And I have secretly known

that for several years now. 

I’ve been unhappy for a long time. 

I was trying to make something work

that was never meant to be. 

God why did he and I have to hurt each other so much? 

Will we stop hurting each other soon?

Authors Note: I wrote this letter a year ago and it still holds true. Have you ever wished the best for someone that didn’t heal?