In non-monogamy terms, your metamour (sometimes referred to as a “meta”) is a person who has an intimate relationship with a partner of yours. For example, if you have a boyfriend and a husband, your boyfriend and your husband are each other’s metamours.

There are many ways people relate to their metas. Some practice “kitchen table” polyamory, where all partners behave as an interconnected group or chosen family who can sit down for a meal together. Others may practice parallel polyamory, where their intimate relationships are kept completely separate from one another. Of course, there are infinite variations meta relationships can take between those two extremes, and relational dynamics are never fixed - they can change and shift over time.

Despite what some polyamory educators may promote, there is not one way to relate to your metas that is better than the others. The most important thing is that all of your relationships are built upon consent. This means that if you have relationships with your metas, you are doing it by choice rather than coercion or force. If you are pushing yourself to have a relationship with a meta despite your discomfort as a means to make your partner happy, you are entering into a relationship with them by choice. You may be sacrificing the relationship (or lack of one) that you’d prefer to have, but you are not making the sacrifice via force. If you’re pushing yourself to have a relationship with your meta to avoid a dramatic negative response from your partner or a break up, that is not a consensual meta relationship; it’s a relationship via coercion. If you are dealing with discomfort as it relates to a metamour, the following are recommendations for how to best manage your meta relationships.

Avoiding Triangulation

Triangulation refers to the process of bringing a third party into a conflict as opposed to communicating directly with one another. I became familiar with this term as a couple’s therapist, where in clinical practice, you are supposed to see the relationship as your client as opposed to each individual as a client. This is why I have a “no secrets policy” when I work with couples and require that they copy one another on all communication with me between sessions. Without this boundary, it’s easy to be triangulated and get drawn into an unhealthy dynamic, where one partner attempts to control the narrative by discussing issues with their other partner without them present, or complaining about them to the third party, attempting to get them on “their side” and elicit empathy. Triangulation can also manifest as using a third party to communicate with the other person, rather than directly communicating with them yourself - a manifestation that is very common in polyamorous relationships.

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Lately, a major theme in my work (and personal life) has been one of redefining commitment. Myself and the clients I work with have been asking: “How do you define commitment without exclusivity?”

The definition of commitment is to make an agreement or pledge to do something in the future. In relationships, this usually means committing to stay together long term (and traditionally, forever). The construct of monogamy gives us a sense of security in our relationships, because we believe exclusivity ensures that our partner will not allocate their time, attention or resources to someone else. But the reality is that monogamy doesn’t ensure this at all - anyone can choose to break their side of the agreement at any time - as demonstrated by our ever rising divorce rate. This is true for marriage, legal, and financial enmeshment, too. The aforementioned agreements create an illusion of security but they don’t make relationships more secure; they only make ending the relationship more difficult.

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As I began to explore solo polyamory, one of my biggest “ah-ha” moments about my history of internal conflict and compulsory monogamy came when I discovered the concept of the “Relationship Escalator”. The “Relationship Escalator”, a term coined by Amy Gahran, is a metaphor used to describe our default expectations for romantic relationships. It is an escalator, specifically, because it illustrates the lack of intentional choice behind these relationships. It is something we get on and ride all the way up, sometimes without ever noticing it.

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If you’re on social media at all, I’m sure you’ve heard some variation of the phrase “Hot Girls Have Tummy Issues”. This phrase is intended to be cheeky, helping those of us with IBS by normalizing its symptoms and using dark humor to cope. As someone who loves dark humor, I know that every joke has some truth to it. As a former trauma therapist, I have a much deeper understanding of why this phrase is so often true.

Some of my closest girlfriends have heard my theory about why all hot girls have IBS, based on my knowledge about our nervous systems and the brain-gut connection. Ironically, I’ve hesitated to make my theory public, due to the experience of being a “hot girl”. I am very aware of how I might be perceived writing about the challenges of being good looking. Anytime an influencer or public figure even hints at this idea - that being attractive can be a stressor - critics point to “pretty privilege”, the benefits that being conventionally attractive affords us in our unfortunately shallow world. But this is the plight of the “hot girl” - we’re often put on a pedestal and criticized when we have thoughts, feelings, and needs. Often, the world sees us as one dimensional, unable to hold that we can experience both advantages AND disadvantages due to our looks. Not to mention the utter shock people seem to have when we have depth, intelligence, and a sense of humor.

If a woman is considered to be conventionally attractive, they’re constantly put on display without their consent. I had my first period in 5th grade, and was one of the only girls with breasts in my class until late middle school. Just because of how I looked, I was labeled a “slut” before I even knew what the word actually meant. I hated the attention my new body brought me. I quickly grew accustomed to adult men catcalling me from their cars as I walked home from elementary school. In 6th grade, I reflexively broke a boy’s nose when he groped both of my breasts from behind. When the assault happened, I was minding my own business on the school bus; eager to get home after rumors were spread about me that I was pregnant with twins, just because I had kissed a boy.

I learned that being “hot” made this world inherently unsafe for me before I was comfortable enough in my body to believe I actually was “hot”. When someone lives in an unsafe world for years, especially when their nervous system isn’t fully developed, it actually disrupts normal development of the brain and body. This experience makes it much more difficult to regulate the nervous system as an adult. The chronic stress and hypervigilance caused by years of nonconsensual objectification doesn’t just manifest in symptoms of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress. It also manifests somatically through autoimmune diseases, chronic pain and migraines, and other chronic illnesses, like IBS.

Irritable bowel syndrome is very common in people who experience chronic stress. IBS is linked to anxiety disorders, PTSD and C-PTSD. When the body is under extreme stress, like in the case of the disorders I named, it releases cortisol. If the experience of stress is prolonged over time, it can permanently inhibit the body’s stress response, keeping the person in a state of constant hyperarousal. This disrupts normal digestion, causes muscle tension throughout the body, including in the muscles around the digestive system, and changes blood flow in the digestive tract. Since the brain and gut are so closely linked, the body becomes hyper-sensitive to any activity in the gut - just as it learns to be hypersensitive to the world around it.

You may have noticed that I began this article essentially apologizing for being “hot”, by acknowledging that it has its advantages. That behavior is the perfect example of the hypervigilance I’m describing. Not only am I hyperaware of how this article might be perceived, I started preparing for the potential negative responses before I began writing it. I’m used to being overly critiqued for everything I do, and as a result often over-explain myself reflexively. That, in and of itself, is a trauma response. Chronic hypervigilance has trained me to think of every possible worst case scenario before it happens. As a result, it was my automatic response to brace and prepare for the criticism that will likely come. Since the 5th grade, I’ve repeatedly been taught that others are allowed to objectify me and talk about my looks, but it’s considered bad taste for me to do the same.

The inspiration for this article actually came out of the deep frustration I’ve been feeling about the way I’ve been responded to, particularly by cis-het men and het-presenting couples, since starting this business. Being openly sex positive while conventionally attractive has led to objectification that I, perhaps naively, did not expect to experience on what is clearly a business social media account. A week ago, I created my own sex-positive version of the “kinda chic” trend on Instagram, using pictures of myself. I was so triggered by my DMs that I had to write this to process my anger instead of doing the work I had originally planned for the day. The most ironic part is that the picture that received the most objectifying responses was the one that celebrated saying “no” - the perfect representation of the nonconsensual objectification that I, like most other “hot girls”, experience every single day. But as a result of over two decades of victim blaming, I started to question if this is all my fault, if I should present myself more conservatively, like I did as a therapist; or if I’m just “asking for it”?

Even though it makes me a target for harassment and criticism, I refuse to tone down my looks, my sexuality, my intelligence or my anger. To tone it down would change nothing, and only continue to give legitimacy to the misogyny that’s fueled my tummy issues since childhood. I’m not going to wear more clothes, I’m not going to be less vulnerable, and I’m not going to apologize for who I am, because to do so would be the antithesis to everything I teach. Every time I embrace all parts of myself - including the “hot girl” - and unapologetically put them on public display, it’s for anything but the “male gaze”. Catering to the “male gaze” under patriarchy would mean that I hide myself, unless a man is in control. I’m not just open about my sexuality because I help others embrace their own for a living. It’s because embracing one’s sexuality is a part of being a complete and whole being. And being seen as a whole person, for a woman, is an act of resistance.

Stigma toward those who practice non-monogamy is rampant in our mononormative and puritanical society, so it’s important for us to be realistic that “coming out” makes us vulnerable to judgment. Although most critiques of those who practice non-monogamy are based in cultural bias as opposed to fact, hearing criticism about our relationship practices from those who we love can be extremely hurtful. Yet, the alternative, hiding such a big part of our lives, can lead to feelings of depression and shame.

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Enmeshment and Differentiation

Enmeshment describes a relational dynamic where two people have blurred personal and emotional boundaries. Our culture encourages enmeshment in couples. When this happens your identity is completely associated with your partner and you’ve lost your sense of self outside of the relationship. You take on their emotions as if your own, struggle to maintain boundaries, and may have very little privacy or very few hobbies or friendships that aren’t shared with your partner. Some signs of enmeshment are difficulty with independent self-soothing, discomfort with disagreements in your relationship, trouble making decisions on your own, and feelings of guilt when setting boundaries - whether self-imposed, or imposed by a partner that has trouble accepting your boundaries. It’s also normal to become more enmeshed the longer you are in a relationship with someone. The more entangled you become socially and financially, you might begin to spend more time together than alone, which isn’t inherently a bad thing. The trouble comes when you begin to do this to the detriment of your own wants and needs, eventually getting to a point where you rarely spend time without your partner at all.

Differentiation is the process of coming out of enmeshment toward a more interdependent and healthier partnership. This means a partnership where you’re in touch with yourself and your needs, while also feeling closely connected to your partners. If you are differentiated in your relationship, you can balance intimate connection while maintaining an authentic and independent sense of self. If you’re at all familiar with attachment styles, you may notice this sounds very similar to the way “secure attachment” is often described. Although secure attachment isn’t necessary for differentiation, the work that it takes to achieve both is practically the same. Just like you can change a relationship pattern from being overly enmeshed to differentiated, you can also change your attachment style from “insecure” to “secure”.

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Living ENM Q&A

Q: I think we can all agree that defining your relationship with a label in ENM can be tricky - but for marketing purposes, of course, I had each of you provide the label that best suits you - What label did you choose that best describes your relationship structure and philosophy and how would you best define what it means to you? What parts, if any, of your relationship aren’t reflected in that label?

A: I chose solo polyamory as the label that best suits me. The easiest way to define solo polyamory is that I am in a primary partnership with myself. However, for the past 8 months I’ve joked that I’m in a primary partnership with my business. Solo polyamory is distinct from other forms of polyamory in that solo polyamorists don’t have a desire for usually prescribed relationship escalator milestones such as cohabitation, marriage or children. Despite that, we still have a desire for deep, committed bonds and have the capacity to love multiple people. My intimate partners are aware of each other, but unlike in “Kitchen Table” polyamory, they have choice in how much they’d like to know about each other and whether or not they have a desire to meet one another - I don’t necessarily have a preference about how my partners interact with one another.

Solo polyamory doesn’t encompass my entire relationship orientation. Relationship anarchy is another label I use to describe my relationship practices, and it’s the philosophy I use as a guide in both my personal life and in my work with clients. My definition of relationship anarchy is that I reject traditional hierarchy among my relationships. For example, I don’t place romantic relationships above my friendships. And this is where describing myself as my “primary partner” doesn’t quite fit - because I have deep friendships that I am always working to prioritize just as much as my relationship with myself. Relationship anarchy prioritizes explicit expectations, boundaries and consent as opposed to labels. Relationship anarchy also resonates with me because I have many relationships which don’t fall into the usual distinct categories of “friends” “lovers” and “partners”.

Q: Tell us a bit about your ENM “origin stories” - what made you curious about ENM, and when did you begin practicing it?

A: There was never a point in my life where monogamy felt “natural” to me. I struggled with cheating in my relationships in high school and college - but it wasn’t just about the sex for me. Each time it happened, I had developed romantic feelings for multiple people. I also never ascribed to the idea of sex being reserved solely for romantic relationships - my first time having sex as a teenager was actually with a platonic male friend of mine. But with monogamy being the norm, I always felt like there was something “wrong” with me because I couldn’t seem to function in the relationships the same way as my peers.

When I was 22 I read the book “Sex at Dawn” and it changed everything for me. It validated my experience of feeling like I couldn’t make monogamy work, and made me feel like there was actually something “right” with me. But with Fetlife being the only place I could find other non-monogamous people at the time (this was when dating apps were just coming onto the scene, and Feeld was nonexistent). I was too afraid to ever meet anyone - so I continued on as a “serial monogamist”. When I was 23 I asked my partner at the time to open up our relationship and it didn’t go well - he called me a “whore” among many other nasty criticisms and broke up with me.

I attempted to have an “open relationship” with a partner when I was 25, but I couldn’t handle it emotionally. Once my feelings were deeper I asked to be monogamous because I was too afraid of what would happen if we didn’t become exclusive. When I was 27, I met my former partner who I began to explore nonmonogamy with. On our second date, we talked about how we didn’t believe in monogamy, but agreed to create some security in our relationship before beginning to explore with other people. Soon after I heard about “Feeld” through a sex positive facebook group for women. From there, we began exploring dating together, dating separately, and going to parties and clubs - our relationship structure was always very fluid and took many forms in the time we were together.

Q: Have any of your relationship structures or agreements changed since you began practicing ENM, and if so, how?

A: The relationship I began officially exploring non-monogamy was on again- off again- for a little over 3 years. It began as a primary partnership which started off as romantically monogamous. The beginning of our exploration was focused on new sexual experiences. But as I had more experiences, my own orientation shifted.

Looking back there’s a lot I would’ve done differently, but hindsight is 20/20 - and as I always tell my clients, you don’t know what you don’t know. My partner was supportive of me exploring with other women, but each time I was interested in a man he asked to close our relationship and “just focus on us” - after which I would soon begin receiving messages from women he was talking to behind my back. Eventually, I advocated for my needs more fiercely. Unfortunately his resistance translated into emotional meltdowns and criticism about my choices in partners, which made me hesitant to pursue these relationships because I didn’t want to deal with the emotional backlash.

My partner insisted that we move in together saying “If we’ve been together this long and we’re not living together, what are we doing?”. I was extremely hesitant to do this. I always pictured myself living alone, and this threat on my autonomy was nerve racking as all hell. So I compromised and allowed him to live with me in the short time his lease was up before mine as a “test run”, and we broke up shortly after. One of the major points of contention between us, aside from his inability to handle my interest in other men, was our reason for wanting to be nonmonogamous. After attending a few play parties I quickly realized I needed some degree of emotional connection and safety to enjoy sex with others. For him, it was all about the sex - to the degree that it seemed to be more about quantity than quality.

That break up was almost three years ago now, and shortly after I started to learn about solo polyamory and relationship anarchy. Since then, I’ve done a TON of therapy to get my nervous system in a spot where I can actually handle solo polyamory. Because without a desire for traditional relationship milestones, you question if anyone will actually accept that type of partnership from you or take it seriously. It’s also difficult to feel like you have real security and commitment in your relationship without those socially prescribed markers. Even though living together or being married doesn’t guarantee a relationship will last, we’re conditioned to believe that it does. At the very least, it makes it a lot more difficult to leave.

Q: What was the biggest challenge you faced when first exploring ENM and how did you overcome it?

A: The biggest challenge I faced was a lack of community and support. There was so much about my first non-monogamous relationship that wasn’t healthy, but I had no one to confide in who understood the unique nuances of my relationship. I truly believed that nobody would ever understand or accept me to the degree that my ex did because I experienced so much criticism and shame for my relationship with sex, and nobody in my circle was practicing non-monogamy. So I attribute the amount of time that I stayed in that relationship to my isolation.

I eventually overcame the isolation by putting myself out there and attending community events alone. The first event I attended alone was a BDSM workshop hosted by Skirt Club, which is a bisexual women’s club - where I met three of my best friends. Then, I attended the very first Slut’s Party alone, which is where I met more of my closest friends. The friends I made at these two events then welcomed me into their communities - and the rest was history. Since then, facing the unique challenges and stressors of non-monogamy has been so much easier, because I have trusted people in my life who actually understand what it’s like and have the experience necessary to support me.

Q: Do you experience any challenges in non-monogamy that seem to come up repeatedly - whether interpersonal or personal - what are they, and how do you manage it?

A: The challenge I face most often is my fear of abandonment. Being solo polyamorous, I often question if the amount I am willing to entangle myself with my partners will be enough for them. I am aware that the amount of autonomy I want to have in my relationships is considered abnormal, even to other people who practice ethical non-monogamy themselves. Some of that fear comes from past experience. I’ve dated people who I’ve explained my orientation to who at first, come off accepting and supportive - only to later find a partner to be monogamous with and drop me all together. The response to my hurt has been directly impacted by their own assumptions about my relationship orientation - that those who identify as solo poly are just “avoidant” or fear commitment - but nothing could be less true, especially about me. I long for deep, committed relationships, but without typical social markers and entanglement involved.

When my fear of abandonment gets triggered, I manage it by confiding in my closest friendships. I am lucky to have a best friend who is also solo poly, and we call each other our platonic life partners. Ironically, the day after I hosted Living ENM, a situation triggered this fear and I became overwhelmed with anxiety. Talking with her reminded me that even if my fears do come true, I’ll never be alone because I have her by my side. Prioritizing my friendships over romance has given me the sense of security that was the missing piece in living out the relationships I genuinely want for myself.

Q: Do you experience jealousy? How do you handle it?

A: I DO experience jealousy - it has come up for me even when I didn’t have romantic partners, and some of the time it made no sense. I’ve gotten very familiar with how jealousy feels in my body and can quickly identify it when it comes up. I take a mindful, curious approach to jealousy. I notice it nonjudgmentally, and if it’s not the ideal time to process it, I put it away in a box in my mind where I can go back to it later. When I go back to process whatever it was that triggered my jealousy, I ask myself what it’s telling me I need from myself or from my relationships and let it guide me from there.

Q: When did you first “come out” about being ENM, and what was it like? What influenced your decision to open up about it, and who you chose to share it with?

A: When I first downloaded Feeld with my previous partner, I told my closest vanilla girlfriends at the time because I was excited to share about this new adventure. I was met with a lot of judgment and discouragemen. Afterwards I stayed private about my relationship orientation for quite some time.

Years later, I came out to my Mom because it was difficult to confide in her about my relationship without this important context. Her response was “Well, love isn’t a finite resource” - which inspired me to create my very first branded stickers with that same quote. As I built more friendships with other people practicing non-monogamy and found my community, I became more and more open about my relationship orientation. I felt that hiding it only added to the stigma, and made it seem like it was something shameful. I finally came out to the whole world when I started Freeform as a necessity to make my business successful. This allowed me to feel authentic in every facet of my life, which has brought me so much healing and a huge sense of relief.

Q: Have you and your partner(s) ever had disagreements when it comes to desires or boundaries within sex and relationships? If so, how have you dealt with it?

A: Yes - and in my experience as a coach, mismatched desires are probably more common that two people in the partnership wanting the same exact things. The first thing I do is try to talk through the disagreement and see where it’s coming from. Often, what we believe we need is actually just what we prefer. It’s helpful to really evaluate why I want to uphold a boundary, and assess if the discomfort I’m avoiding is because it’s scary, or if it’s because I feel unsafe. Usually when you do this, you can reach some sort of compromise to where both parties are getting their needs met.

However, when an agreement or boundary is mutually established and then disregarded by a partner multiple times, that demonstrates that they are unable to respect boundaries. I don’t believe in teaching other adults how to treat me - because as a therapist, I saw many people make the decision to be better for their partners and execute it themselves. I know that if someone wants to change, they will, and that sticking around when they don’t demonstrates that I will accept their hurtful behavior. So I end the relationship, rather than wait on my partner to reach the potential I see in them.

Q: What has been the most difficult part of finding community and/or dating while ENM? What have you found is the best way to make new connections?

A: Earlier I spoke to finding community in my answer to the “biggest challenge” question, so I’ll speak to my experience dating. Navigating the dating landscape while ENM has been difficult because unfortunately, non-monogamous relationships and lifestyles have a tendency to attract people who are in it for the wrong reasons. For example, they could be looking for an unhealthy amount of external validation, an escape from their current, unhealthy relationship, a means to avoid their own internal issues through distraction, or to have sex with whoever they want irresponsibly because they think being non-monogamous means they don’t owe anything to anyone..

In the beginning, I often missed these red flags because due to my naivety and optimism. I believed people were who they said they were, and that they took the actual responsibility of being non-monogamous as seriously as I did. But I often found that the people I connected with, especially cishet men, were only interested in what I could give them - especially if I shared that I attended play parties. They were interested in me because I could provide them with opportunities to explore their sexuality in a new way, rather than being interested in who I was as a person and building a genuine connection with me.

As I’ve gotten my bearings navigating solo poly I have dated people I’ve met both through the communities I am a part of and through dating apps. My relationship orientation has been helpful because I don’t feel like I’m in a rush to be partnered, so I don’t put a lot of emphasis on dating. When I am interested in someone, I am sure to be as clear as possible about what it is I am looking for and what I have the capacity for. Currently, I highlight my business as a priority above all else, and am clear that my friendships will never be less important to me than my romantic relationships. I’m honest with potential partners about my time constraints so they don’t attribute my unavailability to lack of interest and caring. I’m careful to not share much about my sexual interests or experiences until it feels safe to do so. And if someone is pushing me to share more than I am comfortable with, or to communicate and spend more time with them than I’ve explicitly told them I have the capacity for, I accept that we are not compatible and I respectfully let them know.

Q: How do you manage all of your time and commitments - between work, family & relationships? What do you do when your capacity doesn’t meet what you or your partner(s) want?

A: Shortly after starting my business, I realized that I felt guilty saying “no” to people - even to the point that I would overcommit, and have to cancel later on - which is actually much worse. So I started the practice of looking at my calendar and not just considering the actual free time I have available, but also considering my mental and emotional capacity and how that might impact the way I need to spend that available time. Now, I undercommit rather than overcommit, because I’ve recognized I need time for both rest and spontaneity in my life.

I’ve gotten much better at this practice so that I can be very explicit and communicative with partners about my capacity. The relationships I am currently exploring began after I mastered this skill, so I haven’t yet had anyone communicate to me that what I am offering isn’t enough for them. I’d like to attribute this to my effort to be as transparent and communicative as possible.

Q: What has been the best part about practicing ENM?

A: The best part about practicing non-monogamy has been the friendships I’ve made. By virtue of our lifestyles, we share the same core values and outlook on life. The people within this community have an openness and awareness that I’ve rarely experienced with those outside of it. They’ve accepted all the parts of me others criticized with open arms, and I doubt I would’ve started Freeform without all of their unconditional love and support.

Q: What’s one piece of advice you’d give to other practicing ENM?

A: As a non-monogamy coach, this is really hard for me to narrow down - so I’ll choose one I rarely hear: Your relationship with yourself is just as important as your relationships with others. Don’t get so caught up in the excitement of multiple connections that you never spend time alone, because you’ll lose touch with yourself and what you want and need. I recommend integrating a practice of regular check-ins with yourself, so you don’t get so focused on others that you fall into “people pleasing”. Attempting to please everyone is not only an impossible feat, but it comes off as inconsistent and disingenuous - so instead, focus on being true to yourself instead.

This week originally began as a Day of Visibility for Non-Monogamy in 2023 - so it’s a relatively new campaign created by OPEN. As you’ve probably already assumed, the cause behind this week - to de-stigmatize and normalize non-monogamous relationships - is near and dear to my heart. It’s not just because of my work as an alternative relationship coach and my own identity as a polyamorous person. It’s also because of how becoming visible in this part of my identity has impacted me.

Visibility is the state of being seen. The opposite of visibility is not just to be unseen - it’s also to be concealed, or hidden. From an evolutionary psychology and emotion-focused perspective, hiding is what we do when we feel shame. Shame is arguably one of the most dangerous emotions that can be placed upon us. Shame has been used for centuries as a means to control - most notably by political, educational and religious systems. Because feelings of shame cause us to hide, the impact contributes to isolating ourselves from others who are also being shamed, others who we could otherwise be in community with. Shame, much like fear, works as a means to systematically divide and conquer.

I spent the majority of my life feeling ashamed about my discomfort with monogamy, questioning what the hell was wrong with me. When I was 22, I read “Sex at Dawn”, and my experience was finally validated. But with a lack of resources, support and community, I wasn’t able to actually explore the relationships I wanted. Once I was finally with a partner who supported my exploration of ENM, some of the shame started to melt away in finding someone who held similar views on monogamy as me. Sadly, my partner’s shame led them to ask me to keep these parts of our relationship under wraps. As a result, I lacked other supportive people in my life practicing ENM aside from my partner. When I confided in those who I thought were my friends, I was met with judgment and criticism. I’ve heard all of the typical stereotypes most people in the community have, but the most egregious one, said by my long term “best friend” was - “You’re not bisexual or poly, you’re just a sex addict”. It became clear that I had no one to talk to about the unique challenges non-monogamy brought up, because my vanilla friends would blame my choice to be non-monogamous for any problems, often saying “if you give ‘em an inch, they’ll take a mile”. I continued to be met with shame. So I struggled to deal with it on my own - navigating a not-so-healthy non-monogamous relationship in isolation.

Finding my community changed everything for me. The difficulty is that in order to find community and connection, you have to be visible. If you continue to live this part of your life in hiding, the shame and isolation will only continue to build. I had to take the risk of visibility in order to get myself out of the shame spiral, and into healthy connection with others who not only support me, but understand me. It’s true that many of us don’t have the privilege to be “out” about our non-monogamous identities. For many people, especially those who don’t have support systems or live in intensely conservative areas, it can even be dangerous. I’ve met people who fear losing their jobs, their friends and family - all because they are ethically non-monogamous - despite the prevalence of UNETHICAL non-monogamy in “traditional” marriages. And the process of coming out about being ENM can be quite difficult, even when that’s not the case.

That said, hosting an event for Week of Visibility is not just a business venture - it’s deeply personal. If I hadn’t made myself visible, I would have continued to live in confusion, shame, and isolation. I went from a shell of a person, attempting to fit into the mold that society had created for me, to embracing all the parts of myself which make it impossible to fit into that mold. The community I’ve found from being visible is what ultimately inspired me to reject the traditional path of a counselor and create Freeform.

Creating Freeform was another big decision point for how visible I was going to be. When I made the decision to start this business, I knew I had decided to be “out” to EVERYONE about my life and my relationships. I understood this would be a huge personal risk, that putting myself out there would open me up to more judgment and criticism. However, I’ve been privileged to be received with much more positivity than negativity. Visibility has brought me closer to that authentic connection I needed, while repelling those who want to inflict shame upon me. Visibility has also been a huge responsibility - it’s forced me to practice what I preach - to care for my own mental health and be intentional in my relationship with myself and with others. Ultimately, being seen has pushed me into a more authentic, free, and shameless version of myself. All I can hope for is that, with time, the world will be able to receive others in our community who aren’t as privileged as me the same way.

I believe there are two main reasons why there’s a gap in this discourse. First, there’s an unfortunate amount of gatekeeping when it comes to the discourse around non-monogamy and polyamory. Many folks who preach non-hierarchical polyamory as the only ethical way to practice non-monogamy end up shooting themselves in the foot. Adamantly advocating against other relationship structures pushes those who prefer to relate otherwise away from much needed help and education. Ultimately, the skills needed to practice healthy non-hierarchical polyamory are the same skills you need to have healthy relationships of any kind - whether friendships, romantic relationships, or relationships that are purely sexual.

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I’ll start by setting the scene - My entire adult romantic life has been a repetition of the same pattern. Last spring, it became devastatingly clear to me that although I’ve been the victim of narcissistic abuse many times, I needed to take responsibility for my part in the repetition of this dynamic. And as a therapist who specialized in working with survivors of narcissistic abuse by happenstance (because the universe brings you the clients you need), I knew that if I continued to date without working through whatever it was that kept me repeating the same pattern, I would never be able to change it.

Many people oversimplify abusive relationships by blaming the victim and wondering “why don’t they just leave?”. But it’s not that simple to leave - because being attracted to inconsistent and abusive partners is just like being addicted to a drug. The intermittent reinforcement - the randomized receipt of positive and negative attention from the abusive partner - creates a reward-seeking loop. It’s the same mechanism that keeps us scrolling through social media even when it makes us feel worse, or continue playing a slot machine despite losing hundreds of dollars. In other words, when the majority of the relationship is unpredictable, it makes the dopamine hit of the small, infrequent positive moments, significantly higher. This makes stopping the behavior - in this instance, continued connection seeking with inconsistent partners - much more difficult than if it were consistent. And the only effective way to stop the addiction is to cut it off from the source, essentially starving your nervous system from these intermittent “rewards”.

That knowledge is what led me intentionally to de-center dating and romance completely in my life for an entire year. I deleted my dating apps. I said yes to every single thing I was invited to and packed my schedule with social time focused on my friendships. I structured my life so that even if I was romantically interested in someone, it would be impossible for me to pursue the relationship based on lack of free time alone. And without focusing on romantic love for the first time in my life, I learned more about love and relationships than ever before. So here are some of the most important things I learned.

1. To be single is to be pitied.

Even when I was a kid, I never wanted to get married or have kids. Instead, my dream was to live alone, pursue my creative passions, have a successful career, an active social life, and travel the world. But as I grew into my late 20’s and became surrounded by people my age coupling up and getting married, I began to feel an undeniable pressure that made me question that dream. And when all of my friends were monogamous and prioritized dating, being single felt lonely. I found myself dating because it felt like that’s what I was supposed to do. Losing touch with that younger part of myself kept me invested in unhealthy relationships as my partners dangled the promise of a traditional future - one that I never even wanted - in front of me like a carrot to a horse.

Last May, I wasn’t yet conscious of what an act of rebellion my endeavor to stay single would be. I quickly noticed how frequently the question “Are you seeing anyone?” was one of the first ones friends and family asked me when catching up. And when your response is “No”, people pity you. They say “It’s okay, the right person will come along one day.” Because our culture expects women to prioritize dating men, along with the pursuit of marriage and children - above their hobbies, careers and friendships. As a result, those who are single and childless by choice are told “you’ll change your mind one day”, or even chastised and called selfish.

Even some of my non-monogamous friends seemed confused that I wasn’t dating, despite the fact that they were all in non-traditional relationships themselves. The friends who were confused, however, were either coupled up or trying to be. It makes sense though, because everything in our world is built for couples - not just through religion and culture, but even through our legal structures, like the tax breaks married people and people with children receive, despite the fact that choosing to be unpartnered is a much heavier financial burden. But as I’ve seen in myself, my friends and my clients - prioritizing being in a relationship, as opposed to being in the right relationship, rarely leads to a positive outcome.

2. Love isn’t just seeing the best in others, it’s seeing others for who they are.

As a therapist, I worked with many clients who desperately tried to make their relationships “work” despite their efforts to improve the relationship being one-sided. Many times, they no longer even shared the same values or future goals with their partners, and very often they were victims of emotional abuse. And like my past self, they were usually focused on their partner’s potential rather than the person who they were actually in a relationship with in the present. Many of us function this way because we’re taught that love means staying when things get hard and showing unconditional empathy and forgiveness for our partners when they mess up. It’s true that we must be able to move through challenges with our partners effectively and we can’t just cut them off after one mistake - but empathy and forgiveness without boundaries is dangerous. Unconditional love is not the same as unconditional tolerance.

The reality is that continuing to forgive a repeated pattern of behavior without boundaries does everyone involved a disservice. First, we’re doing our partners a disservice because we are in a relationship with them based on potential rather than what they can actually give us. We’re staying in the relationship with a glorified version of the person - not the person themselves. And while we continue to focus on the best in others, we often excuse their behavior or even deny it all together, leading to a lack of any necessary accountability. But we must see those that we love for who they are and hold them accountable so they can do better - for themselves and for others.

It can be really difficult to find a balance between empathy and accountability, especially when we know the ins and outs of the person’s past trauma and current stressors. But as I always told my clients - these things may be an explanation, but they’re not an excuse. Whatever their circumstance may be, if you communicate a need or boundary to another adult more than once and they continue to ignore it, that person is making a choice. And by continuing to show unconditional empathy and forgiveness by sticking around, you’re communicating to them that they can continue to disregard your needs. Because if there aren’t going to be real consequences for their behavior, why would they have any reason to change?

3. Love is not what we’re usually taught it is.

Sometimes we get stuck on a relationship’s potential because we remember how good it felt in the beginning. Maybe there was an instant “spark” or that feeling of “butterflies” that convinced us this connection was somehow “meant to be”. We’re often taught that that feeling of “butterflies” is synonymous with love - but somatic psychology tells us that “butterflies” may actually be a signal that something is wrong. The trouble is that anxiety and excitement feel really similar, so if you’re someone who repeatedly enters intimate relationships with unsafe partners, it’s hard to tell the difference. Over time, you become conditioned to interpret your dysregulated nervous system as something positive, so much so that repeating this pattern becomes totally unconscious. But what we’re taught about love makes this discernment difficult.

If you think about popular love songs or romance in movies and on television - the person who is depicted as “in love” is usually experiencing out of control, obsessive thoughts about the other person, unable to think about anything else. Yes - “butterflies” accompanied by feelings of joy can be a sign of something positive. But when they’re accompanied by obsessive thinking and rumination, this is a sign you’re experiencing anxiety, and your nervous system’s “fight or flight” response might even be activated. Unfortunately, our standard narratives about love perpetuate a misunderstanding of what healthy love actually looks and feels like.

4. Romantic or not - all relationships are the same at their core.

As the year went on, I realized my problem wasn’t just a romantic one. About six months into my year without romance, I started to notice the same unhealthy dynamic in my work relationships and friendships. I learned that “love bombing” and “trauma bonding” can happen in any relationship. And if you’re someone who’s intelligent, kind and empathetic, it’s likely that you’ll attract people who want to take advantage of these qualities in every facet of your life. Apparently this is a neurodivergent thing - but I find it physically impossible to be fake or dishonest, so I always assumed everyone else felt this way. Facing the reality that most people actually don’t function like this was devastating. I began to grieve my old beliefs - I believed that because my intentions were always genuine, so were everyone else’s. I believed that like me, other people always mean what they say.

As I grieved, I began to track the similarities between my past colleagues, friends and lovers. Nine months in, I could confidently articulate all of the red flags and manipulation tactics I often fell for in relationships, and identify what it felt like in my body to interact with unsafe people. I finally started to trust myself and feel confident that I could notice these feelings with new connections and protect myself in the future. But when my therapist asked me how I could tell I was safe with someone, I had no idea how to answer. I realized that in the context of romantic relationships, this was something I never felt before. So I looked to my closest, most trusted friendships to determine what safety feels like.

Although I had decentered romance in the traditional sense, the nature of many of my friendships meant I could still receive the type of emotional support and physical affection often reserved for romantic relationships. This is because the friends I am referring to are all non-monogamous in some form. Ethical non-monogamy allows us flexibility in the ways we relate, counter to what’s often deemed “appropriate” in the context of traditional relationship structures. This gives us freedom to let our relationships be what they are, instead of having to fit them in strictly defined boxes or follow socially prescribed rules. So I found that safety feels like freedom - freedom to be honest without retaliation, to be vulnerable without being exploited, and to be my most genuine, unmasked self while feeling supported - whether support means cheering me on or calling me out on my bullshit.

5. Self-abandonment is worse than being alone.

As my year without romance came to a close, I felt like a completely different person. I’ve reconnected with the younger parts of myself and the dreams I had for my future. I no longer feel desperate for connection or fear being alone. As a result, I no longer people-please or struggle to communicate my needs, opinions or capacity. I have much stronger emotional and energetic boundaries, which has been absolutely pivotal in my ability to run my own business.

I’ve learned to use the energy I previously put in relationships - analyzing those who were close to me as a means to empathize with them, while attempting to teach them how to treat me - into my coaching business. And because my business is a true reflection of my identity, it’s increased my confidence in the parts of myself that others historically rejected. This security has helped me move through life with much more confidence and discernment. It’s also forced me to practice what I preach, which isn’t always easy.

I often hear critics of those who practice ethical non-monogamy say that we do it because we can’t be alone with ourselves. We’re just looking for a new warm body to satisfy our endless need for external validation. I’ve also heard criticism that polyamory makes people prioritize romantic relationships - so much so, that they don’t have any friendships. There are unfortunately many people who operate this way in our community. As a solo polyamorist, however, I’ve found the opposite to be true.

Of course, it’s taken me years of work to be able to handle solo polyamory emotionally. Without the traditional milestones and social constructs of the relationship escalator, it can be difficult to feel secure in relationships. I used to question if anyone would even want to be in a serious relationship with me, if I had no desire to escalate to cohabitation or marriage. But now, that’s not even a question I ask. Because my history has shown me that being rejected or abandoned by others isn’t nearly as painful as abandoning myself. Self-abandonment is much more lonely than being single. So I’ve committed to never self-abandoning again, because when I’m true to myself, being alone is actually really nice.

If you follow me at all, I doubt the title of this article will surprise you. I am constantly reposting content about the dangers of AI on my personal social media, and periodically on my business accounts when it feels relevant to my area of expertise. And back in November when I was still working as a therapist, I made a brief reel discussing some of those dangers after a client told me they used AI to help them figure out what they were “feeling”, rather than using the skills we were working on to identify their emotions themself. Unfortunately, despite all of the damage AI is doing to our economy, our environment and our mental health - this issue continues to be relevant.

I’ll start by saying that I understand the temptation to use AI in place of a therapist or coach. The cost of living is incredibly high, so why would you pass up the ability to get “help” for free? Plus, we’re all so busy - so it certainly feels easier to just ask Claude or Chat GPT for the answers instead of having to take time out of our schedules to read a book or talk to a professional.

But I put “help” in parentheses because I think it’s debatable how helpful using AI in this way actually is. Plus, AI wants you to keep using it - so it’s going to tell you what you want to hear.

This is especially problematic when it comes to relationships, as it quickly becomes an echo chamber that validates you more often than not, depriving you of opportunities for learning and growth. After all, the number one intention of these companies is to make money - so AI is designed to collect all the information about yourself that you give it, and integrate that information in order to tell you what you want to hear so you keep coming back.

Even if you attempt to tell AI the most unbiased version of your life story, it’s only useful for what’s called a “top down” approach. “Top down” refers to therapeutic skills and coping techniques that use a cognitive approach, generally based on the theory that if you change the way you think, you can change how you feel and behave. And yes - this works for some people some of the time. But for many of us, especially those who have experienced any sort of systemic or relational trauma, this doesn’t work. This is because thinking about your feelings disconnects you from them - quickly turning self analysis into a form of emotional avoidance. Unfortunately, feelings aren’t actually processed through rationalization and distancing because we need to feel them to heal them. The necessary changes required to overcome patterns that negatively impact our relationships take place in our nervous systems themselves, not just in our heads. So when we get in our heads we disconnect from our bodily experience, creating the opposite outcome from the one we’re usually seeking.

When this self analysis and overthinking happens, especially about our pasts - much like in “exposure therapy” - we might even dissociate. Unfortunately, this is even worse for our health and our relationships. The problem is that AI can’t tell if you’re disconnected or dissociated. It’s not picking up on your facial cues, body language or vocal tones, like a human who is trained to treat these symptoms is able to do with accuracy. For this reason, there’s a high likelihood that using AI for relationship advice or therapy may retraumatize you. And that’s only the least of what could happen - in 2025 there were multiple reported cases of both AI induced psychosis and suicide as a result of users consultling AI chat bots about their mental health issues.

The dangers of AI, however, reach far beyond that of our mental and relational health. Surveillance in the United States is at an all time high, while we live under a government that openly targets anyone who speaks against it as “domestic terrorists”. So let me reiterate that AI collects all of the information you give it about yourself. With this in mind, I think we should all be concerned about how freely we give our private information to companies like OpenAI and Anthropic. Because these corporations aren’t beholden to HIPAA like those working in health care are, and their sole goal is to make a profit. In fact, they’re currently fighting for contracts with the pentagon - so what would stop them from sharing our information with said government if it’s willing to pay them for it?

If you’re a part of any population the government has been open about targeting - a migrant, a person of color, a part of the LGBTQIA community, a SWer or even parts of other communities that challenge the puritanical status quo (i.e., swinging, kink, ENM or poly) - I highly recommend you do not share that information with AI for your own protection. While working in private practice, we were meticulous about the way we wrote our clinical notes to protect any identifying information about our clients that might make them lose their healthcare coverage or become a target of our current administration. This is because mental health care workers are beholden to a code of ethics that requires them to prevent as much harm as possible towards their clients. While mental health workers try to act ethically and protect their clients from our government, leaders in AI are working with our government and pushing back on legislation that could put protections for users in place. Yet so many of us are giving up personal and potentially risky information to our corporatocracy for free.

But what about when AI IS a valuable and accurate resource? When this is true, it’s simply a collection of resources which already exist and are already accessible. All of the information it compiles is stolen from real humans - authors, creators and professionals - with little credit and no pay. So instead of using AI, I encourage you to find those resources on your own. Not only does this translate to supporting the original creators of these resources, it also is an important and necessary exercise to keep your brain functioning properly.

AI makes our lives easier so we don’t have to think. The problem is that when we stop thinking, we actually start to lose that skill. Research shows that we can prevent cognitive decline by continuing to challenge our brains, so I predict that regularly using AI in place of creativity and critical thought will likely lead to cognitive decline. I honestly can’t believe that I feel like I need to convince people how important reading and critical thinking are. But with the way I see people using AI for any and everything, it feels necessary to stress the importance of these skills. It’s SO IMPORTANT, that we can all do our own research, read about a topic ourselves and make sense of it on our own, while also determining whether or not the resources we are using are valid - rather than blindly accepting the information, like I see people do with AI all of the time. Now, more than ever, since all of our major media outlets have turned into propaganda machines, we cannot risk losing our critical thinking skills.

In conclusion - If your AI notetaker has ever asked to be present in a meeting with me and you wonder why I always reject it, it comes down to my values - both personally and professionally.

I created Freeform because I believe in the healing power of connection. This type of connection requires presence, patience, awareness, curiosity and critical thinking. And the more we use AI, the less we need to use these necessary skills or embody these important qualities. Since it’s not my area of expertise, I won’t get into the ways AI is damaging our environment and our economy, and the dangers this poses for all of our physical safety and financial stability. But I will mention that healing through healthy connection isn’t possible if our basic needs aren’t met, and AI threatens the existence of our basic resources everyday. So I hope the information I’ve provided about AI’s impact on our relational and cognitive health builds enough of a case for you to consider thinking twice about how you use AI, and maybe even return to using yourself and others as resources instead, like we used to back in the good ol’ days.

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First, it’s important to acknowledge that rejection can be painful. It can bring up feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger and sadness - just to name a few. And the discomfort brought up by rejection can be exacerbated by our individual brain chemistry and past experiences alike. For example, individuals who are neurodivergent (like myself) often struggle with something called rejection sensitive dysphoria - meaning we experience extreme, overwhelming emotional pain in response to both real and perceived rejection. And neurodivergent individuals tend to make up a vast amount of the population who fall under the ENM umbrella, for a variety of reasons - that will have to be its own article.

Our sensitivity to rejection is also impacted by our past experiences. I often like to share an anecdote from my own experience of this in the lifestyle. Years ago, I was going to attend an event specifically for bisexual women by myself. I was going because I desperately wanted to form relationships with likeminded women, but on my way there, an intense feeling of anxiety took over. I started to feel nervous that being the newbie meant I’d be left out. I thought, “what if the women are cliquey, and nobody wants to interact with me?” It was almost as if I was in 7th grade all over again - because I feared reliving the pain of bullying and rejection I felt all too often in middle school. Of course, when I arrived all the women were so warm and welcoming - something I’ve discovered many people in this community tend to be. But this experience revealed the individual work I needed to do in order to heal this part of myself, the one who had been excluded for the majority of my childhood and teenage years. I share that to normalize that each of one us has our own history with rejection that comes along for the ride, whether it’s in dating or at play parties and group events. So how do we handle this difficult emotion with grace?

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The reason why this sets up non-monogamy for failure is simple - you can’t control how you feel. You can, of course, try to put some boundaries in place to prevent closeness from happening - for example, not having repeat partners. But for many of us, one night stands aren’t satisfying. Plus, repeat encounters tend to make intimacy improve over time. Not to mention that sometimes we only meet someone once and already feel that instant chemical connection or “spark”. So here are three agreements I recommend you make instead.

Communication Agreements

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If any of these examples resonate with you, you’ve probably experienced instances where your own people pleasing behaviors have been harmful to you. To feel better, you might justify it as a sacrifice for the benefit of others - but it can actually cause harm to the relationships we are in. And if you are someone who engages in relationships beyond the monogamous norm, it can cause even more stress and harm by multiplying the number of people you have to keep up with pleasing.

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First, it’s interesting that this thought crossed my mind when I am also a gogo and pole dancer who regularly posts content that would be deemed “hyper-sexual” by the average person. But it’s a familiar feeling, because those were the very thoughts I had when I first started to post about the performances I was being hired for. Although the content I post may be sensual, I actually don’t consider what I post to be sexual at all. Because what many people who follow me do not know is that I have spent the last year of my life intentionally having the least sex I have ever had since I first began having it.

What’s the difference between sexuality and sensuality?

Sexuality refers to the way humans express themselves as sexual beings. Sensuality is our connection to our eight senses - sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, interoception, proprioception, and vestibular awareness. Sensuality connects us to our experience of our bodies, including our sexuality, often enhancing it. Yet, sensuality encompasses so much more than sex, and connecting with sensuality enhances every part of our daily lives.

As a dancer, connecting with your sensuality is paramount to the art form. It is no wonder that sensuality is often paired with sex - because sensuality enhances your creativity, and creativity enhances sex. I’m aware that when people see me perform or follow me on social media they almost always assume I must be having a lot of crazy sex. The ironic part is that I have spent almost an entire year de-centering sex and romance from my life completely. In that process, however, I have become more deeply connected to my sensuality than ever before. The creative energy I was once using for sex became the fuel that enhanced my performance as a dancer, and fueled the creation of my business. Sensuality is the birthplace of creativity.

Sensory Seeking Individuals and Sensuality

Something else that’s happened to me in the last year is receiving a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 32, and beginning to learn more about neurodivergence and how it impacts me. I recently learned the term “sensory seeking”, which often co-occurs with ADHD. It’s a sensory processing difference where individuals crave intense sensory input to regulate their nervous systems. Some of the behaviors that accompany it that resonate with me include preferring messy play as a child, constantly moving, dancing, weight lifting, listening loud music, heavy walking, loud talking, constantly chewing gum, high pain tolerance, preference for deep pressure massage, enjoying the feeling of being tattooed, and a strong infinity for kink activities involving intense physical sensation.

Sensory seeking individuals benefit from having a strong connection with our sensuality, because our sensuality connects us to the input we crave to regulate our nervous systems. But the hyper-sexualization of sensual activities can separate us from pursuing activities that have the potential to be intensely therapeutic for us. Because what I found when I stopped prioritizing sex was that I almost became MORE “kinky”, by way of the connection to my sensuality.

Sensuality Without Sex

Last week, I spent several hours “bottoming” for a shibari rigger and sadist without any sex or romance involved. Some people might be surprised to learn that my platonic queer bestie was also in the room, watching us for the entirety of the experience. At one point I had no access to my arms, legs, or speech and she commented that it was the quietest she’s ever seen me. Of course we had a good laugh, but it was completely true. This was the most quiet my mind and body had ever been in my entire life.

I’m starting to tear up as I write this because there is a bit of grief about what I didn’t know for so long. All of the things I was told made me weird or even shameful were actually a result of being neurodivergent. And if I could have embraced this years ago, I could have been feeling the peace I felt last week for all of this time. I feel sad for my younger self that I’ve been missing out on this, because it brought me a sense of calm beyond what any coping skill, medication or therapy has ever brought me before. Before that experience, I honestly did not think I was ever capable of feeling that type of peace.

Hyper-sexualization of people and activities without their consent can be quite harmful. Women who are outwardly sensual are usually blamed when they are victimized. It’s something I know too well - because being so outwardly sensual for as long as I can remember has led to emotional abuse and violence from others in many different contexts throughout my life. It also led to a deep internalization of these experiences, leading to low self esteem, depression, confusion and shame.

With that said, I’m asking whoever is reading this to start to challenge the hyper-sexualization of sensuality. If we were to begin to recognize our sensuality as something completely separate from our sexuality, I think we would all have more regulated nervous systems - ultimately making the world a much better place for everyone.

Most of us are taught to prioritize monogamous, romantic relationships in our life over other relationships. So it’s no wonder that we assume that romantic relationships are different from other forms of relationships. But when it comes to the specific skills that it takes to have a healthy relationship - my advice is the same, regardless of what type of relationship it is.

What’s the #1 thing that will improve all of your relationships (and your life)?

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I had an idea of what to expect at the conference, but in reality, I really didn’t know what it was going to be like. When I applied to be a seminar speaker I thought, as both a new business owner and an EXXXOTICA first timer, there was no way they would pick me. So of course I was in shock when I got the call - especially when the seminar coordinator thanked me for all that I do, telling me how needed I am at the convention. And after attending - I definitely get it.

There is very little programming related to navigating non-monogamy at the convention. I was stationed in the “CouplesX Lifestyle Experience”, where I ended up being the lone representative of the “Unicorn” experience, as well as the younger generation within the lifestyle. I was also the only person presenting seminars about the lifestyle with my level of education and training. There was a lot of representation of where to go if you want to explore - but not necessarily how to do it in way that’ll make your relationship last.

So what affirmed that I’ve been needed in the CouplesX Lifestyle Experience? It wasn’t just ONE BIG THING, but an array of little things…

• FMF, FFM, MFM being mentioned as threesome options - but no MMF (bisexual male erasure)

• Lack of education on consent (Saying, “It’s just etiquette to ask first” with no follow up)

• Toxic conversations about jealousy (“you’re either secure or you’re not” or “it’s a waste of time”)

• Talking about “rules” rather than “boundaries” and “agreements” (anyone who has heard me talk about this knows it drives me nuts)

• Amazement at the concept that a “unicorn” has less power in the dynamic with a couple, and has a separate relationship with each member of a couple

• Confused reactions when explaining that you can be BOTH poly AND lifestyle - and still respect your lifestyle friends’ relationship structures

• The number of seminar attendees who have hit on me (Hello..can someone say “boundaries”?)

On the other hand, I was also overwhelmed by all of the healthy examples of non-monogamy I was seeing around me - like the HUGE presence of “hot wife” couples (a man celebrating his partner’s pleasure is a BIG green flag), and the representation of lifestyle veterans who have continued to have long, healthy relationships with both friends and romantic partners. I felt right at home, as I realized that it wasn’t that I hate networking - I hate being fake. I might be unable to hold a “vanilla” conversation, but the good news is that doing this work allows me to embrace that. And if nothing else comes out of last weekend, I know one thing for sure - it was an opportunity to bring life to the mission I started Freeform with - helping my community create healthy, intentional, and fulfilling relationships.

Safe to say I’m hooked - see you in Minneapolis!

💖🦄

The “Vanilla” World Isn’t Safe for Women

Before I entered the lifestyle, I loved nothing more than going out dancing at clubs with my girlfriends. We had grown accustomed to the practice of being hyperaware in these environments - where men regularly groped us as they walked by, brushing up against us, trying to “dance” without our consent, and of course, our drinks NEVER left our hands due to prevalence of date rape drugs in bars and clubs. When we didn’t allow men access to our space and our bodies, it was commonplace to experience retaliation - they sincerely believed we owed them the access because of what we were wearing, or because they bought us a drink.

The first play party I ever attended was at a sex club with a former partner. It was one of our first experiences in what became an exhilarating journey - filled with exploration, growth and sexual liberation. Although we didn’t play with anyone but each other at our first event, it was an emancipatory experience - because I felt a sense of safety that I never had before.

The club had a dance floor where people of all shapes and sizes moved freely and joyfully, most of us wearing very little to no clothing. I realized it was the first time in my life I had been on a dance floor without someone invading my space without my consent. I felt a sense of freedom I had never had before, in awe at the fact that not one person invaded my personal space while I danced with less and less clothing as the night went on. Younger parts of me began to heal as my sexuality and bodily autonomy coexisted for the first time in my life. And all I wanted to do was recreate that feeling - as much and as often as I could.

As we continued our journey, discovering new parties and clubs, that sense of safety and freedom continued. A mandatory consent talk before play began was the norm, and the number of people who clearly had the “FRIES” of consent memorized added to my comfort. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that just because we comprehend something, doesn’t mean we’re able to integrate it.

If You Aren’t Male-Bodied, You’re Desensitized to Abuse

Fast forward many years later, I’m working as a gogo dancer for an organization that throws sex positive events for the bi/pan communities. These parties are centered around consent and safety, and we’ve built an amazing community in Chicago that we were thrilled to bring to New York City. But in this new venue, our culture of consent didn’t translate. We had the MOST consent violations ever at the party.

Throughout the night I was followed around by a single man between my dance sets who asked me to dance at least 5 times, even though my answer was “no” each time. I had become so accustomed to this behavior throughout my life that it never occurred to me that it was a consent violation. It took my good friend, a cis-male organizer of the party, telling me that this was a consent violation in order for me to register it as one. He reminded me that if you tell someone “no”, it’s a complete sentence. If they ask you repeatedly, the intent is to wear you down. And many of us (especially those that aren’t male bodied) are so accustomed to our “No’s” being disregarded that we’ve done things we never wanted to because we’ve learned that “giving in” is the only way to get a man off our backs.

Present day, the focus on consent in my community is the reason why I rarely frequent spaces that aren’t queer, kink, or “lifestyle” centered. I have become so accustomed to consent-centered environments that I have no tolerance for “vanilla” spaces, where this isn’t the norm. Thanks to my community, my former 20-something-year old self who was conditioned to normalize and even “put up with” coercion and assault, has grown into a woman who knows that NOBODY is owed access to me or my body.

Enter : The Life of a Unicorn

For the last few years, I’ve been navigating the lifestyle as a solo poly queer woman. I’ve happily adopted the term “unicorn” to describe myself. Although some people view it as derogatory, I’ve reclaimed the term because when I act as a “unicorn” it’s purely through my own choice. But the reason this can be seen as derogatory is because unicorns are often treated like objects in the lifestyle - couples see them as play things that they can discard once they’re done using them. And although I have no desire to date a couple, at the bare minimum, I want to know they see me as human and genuinely care about me before we engage in any play.

That said, I’ve become fully aware that a simple consent talk does NOT grant me safety. Over time, I’ve developed a sensitivity to subtle cues - ones that most people would ignore or invalidate. And this is because my sense of safety at play parties is directly connected to my internal sense of knowing and my own experience - NOT the opinions of others.

It starts with the way someone looks at me. Do they look at me like I’m a shiny new toy, or do they SEE me? Do they seem genuinely interested in my humanity, or just my sexuality?

How do they interact with other people? Do I see them communicating clearly and respectfully with their other partners, or are they using indirect communication, like passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, and manipulation?

What do they lead with when they speak to me? Do they lead with how experienced they are or how many people they know, or are they able to have a genuine, down to earth conversation? Are they only able to talk about sex, or are they capable of having conversations with more substance?

Am I having to repeat my “No” more than once? Are people being pushy or trying to “set me up” with others, instead of allowing me to make my own connections?

And most importantly - what do I feel in my body? Am I feeling my fawn response activate - like I’m frozen or can’t say no? Do I feel myself laughing awkwardly at comments I don’t really like, or agreeing with things I don’t actually agree with? When I notice this “people pleasing” start to kick in - that’s a clue to me that I am definitely not safe.

What does safety feel like?

The last time I met with my therapist, she said “So now you know how to detect when you can’t trust others - but how do you know you’re safe?”. It’s actually ironic that I am writing this now because I realized at that moment that I am not quite sure what safety feels like. And I am sure that it’s the same for so many people reading this, because we live in an unsafe world. So unfortunately, the answer to my fellow unicorn’s question isn’t that simple.

Safety is something we can only determine when we are present in our bodies. You can get more in touch with what safety feels like to you by bringing up times where you’ve felt safe and focusing on the emotions and sensations that accompany the memory. Although I‘m still figuring out what safety means for me specifically, my training as a trauma therapist informs what I know it is supposed to feel like. Safety usually feels like our muscles relaxing, our jaw unclenching, warmth in our bellies, our breath getting slower and deeper, and the feeling that nothing is urgent - we can relax and take our time. Ultimately, nobody can feel these cues except you. So unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to know if you are safe - because only YOU have the ability to make that call.