And like all stories that allow us to contemplate our truths we start …

Once upon a time, in a land far far away …

Okay, it was the late 1990s and I was in New Zealand - the land of my first nearly 30 years. With a group of friends I had gone to a beach house for a weekend together to relax and enjoy great food and downtime in stunning environs. At the beach house I came across a book that talked about the structure of the brain - stating that brains were wired differently based upon gender. So, the hypothesis was that a male brain was different than a female brain. I read the book in a few hours and at the end was a survey you could do to state how male or female your brain was. I no longer recall the details, but I do remember that everyone staying that weekend did the survey. And, I was both proud and chagrined to discover that out of the 8 males and 5 females away together that weekend - I had the most ‘male’ brain. My recollection was that this was predicated on my focus (at that time) on logic over emotion for decision making as well as my preference for structured planning even when being ‘spontaneous’.

Naturally, since those times, science has gone on to understand that there are nuances in the wiring of brains in all human becomings. Our brains posses a unique blend of traits that are outwith traditional gender tropes. And we also now understand that we all have neuroplasticity which means that we can re-wire the pathways our neurons follow in our expressions of feelings, thoughts about anything and everything, and the behaviours we choose to exhibit in any given moment.

For the purposes of this exploration we are stepping into a different space. Where we are focusing on feminine and masculine energies. And similarly, people often talk about feminine and masculine energies as if they are associated with gender. But, again, we know through a wide range of scientific and philosophical studies that all human becomings - perhaps even all life forms - have both feminine and masculine energies flowing through us. With further nuance we learn that both energies have a static form and a dynamic form. These forms of energy move through each of us in different ways and different speeds, bringing a range of perspectives and focuses into the way we show up in any given moment.

Another nuance to the flow of feminine and masculine energies is whether they are healthy or unhealthy, resourceful or non-resourceful, harming none or harming all. And in that context, before we dive further into considering different energy flows, we need to contemplate the impact of the patriarchy over the last 2000-5000 years (depending on which part of the globe you are within … some geographies have only experienced it for 500+ years). The patriarchy birthed during the Ages of Aries (~2150 BCE to ~1 CE) & Pisces (~500 BCE to ~2025 CE) in a variety of cultures across a range of geographic spaces where there was high connectivity through trade coupled with perceptions of limited resources. And was evolved from a place of unhealthy, non-resourceful, harm all masculine energy. Which, in turn, led to feminine energy also becoming unhealthy, unresourceful and harm all in a bid to survive.

Within this context hard lines were drawn along gender biases where the flow of energies were considered to ‘belong’ dependent upon whether a person was defined as ‘man’ or ‘woman’. And societies swiftly followed in establishing boundaries that stultified the roles of ‘man’ and ‘woman’ in ways that worshipped imbalanced collation of resources and associated power.

As these ways of being embedded within societies the role of ‘man’ and thus the definition of ‘masculine energy’ became about control, competitiveness, lack of emotional expressing, aggression, physical strength, independence, productivity, intellectual rightness and superiority. Whilst the role of ‘woman’ and thus the definition of ‘feminine energy’ became about chaos, manipulation, emotional drama, victim behaviours, passiveness, physical weakness, neediness, domestic or menial service, low intellect or wit and subservience. There was a staunch belief in the polarity of gender which history demonstrates over and over again led to increased destruction of life across the globe due to the equally staunch belief in the paucity of resource.

The patriarchy thrived (& still does in many geographies) through hierarchical fear-based & institutionalised control, using us v them narratives that further polarise peoples (thus retaining power amongst the few), and re-iterating stories that we all need to strive to be within the 1% or our lives are meaningless. Wars were (& are) fought over small pieces of land as if any short-lived human life could ‘own’ the planet all life is nurtured by. Millions of lives were (& are) thrown away or irreparably harmed because they were considered ‘less than’ those in power who were making decisions to retain control and wealth, with the narrative of ‘for the greater good’ or ‘because God has given me the divine right’.

Within these patriarchal norms, where power and control were demonstrated through property, women were ‘owned’ by men - firstly by their fathers (or brothers where the father figure was absent) and then by husbands (to whom they were ‘sold’). The primary role (and therefore ‘worth’) of women was to breed - preferably more males so that men could expand their property holdings and thus enhance their wealth and power. In many societies women were (& are) hidden from the sight of men who do not ‘own’ them. In most patriarchal societies women who were seen, were only to be heard as demur non-opinionated beings, there to enhance the perception of the man who ‘owned’ them by other men.

Shifts between ages and the flow of energies are slow and subtle, building up to a place where a new ‘normal’ has embedded in the way of becomings across our world. The gradual shift from the Age of Pisces into the Age of Aquarius was seeded during the Renaissance (14th - 17th centuries) and Enlightment (17th - 18th centuries) periods. However, also during this time was wave after wave of colonisation, the destruction of 100s of cultures as patriarchal norms were enforced, the stripping of resources from peoples that were considered inferior to the colonisers, and the annihilation of precious biospheres in the name of ‘progress’.

Despite all this, the seeds of Aquarius began to bloom through suffragette movements in various geographies and as the 19th & 20th centuries swayed into the Industrialisation & Knowledge periods societal shifts were rapidly experienced in many geographies. Women (& men outwith the 1%) were educated, pursued careers, gained access to resources previously available only to the elite, became politically savvy, demanded and embodied human rights, embraced new opportunities and ways of living, opened doors for others and crashed through glass ceilings. All of which led to reactions of those within the patriarchy who have thrived, finding that the foundations they have relied on are increasingly crumbling.

We are, now, in the dawning of the Age of Aquarius - a time where we move from ‘me’ to ‘we’ - where rather than polarisation between unhealthy masculine and feminine energies there is woven unity of healthy feminine and masculine energies. Over the next 50-500 years (depending on geographies / cultural evolving) we will witness a shifting from:

• Competing for so-called finite resources to co-creating innovative and sustainable abundance accessible to all;

• Total inequality in power, control and access to resources to moving into equity where all human becomings and other life forms are celebrated for their diversity and valued for sharing power that allows requisite variety and requisite choice for all;

• Hierarchical structures depicting how people are acceptable to embracing diverse personal & spiritual awareness underpinned by esoteric wisdoming and nuanced science;

• Rewarding aggressive one-upmanship to congruent individuals being recognised for their compassion, creativity and courage that enhances community connecting and wellbeing.

However, at the moment we are in a time of transformational chaos (think the cocoon that allows a caterpillar to become a butterfly … a gooey painful mess).

The 1% are reacting by fighting to retain their status quo, what they perceive as the ‘right’ way for the world to be because they like their power, wealth and hierarchical control. Their narrative is all about ‘returning to a golden era’ which was only ever ‘golden’ for the very few. All others, both men and women, were subjugated and lived in fear, struggling to survive in ignorance and poverty with no voice in decisions that impacted them and their loved ones. The first women in the world to be given the vote were in New Zealand in 1899 … and it is only in the last 20 years that many countries in the Middle East have given women a voice.

However, in countries that still use a ‘first past the post’ system of election voting (55 at latest count) this continues to mean, in reality, many are disenfranchised. Why? Because, despite voting, it does not ‘count’.

In many of these countries political options are polarised due to only having two viable political parties to choose from - thus leaving those with an alternate perspective without the variety to choose from. Perhaps they live in an electorate which is majority held by a different political perspective, well then the vote of an alternate voice is irrelevant because they are ‘in the minority’ in that electorate. However, when you add those minorities together you suddenly discover perspectives that are vast but politically powerless.

Those who are in this space, one of disenfranchisement, feel betrayed, belittled and without hope … and are beginning to fight back. Some by grafting to the loudest most obnoxious voice, others by disengaging in society completely, others by doing what they can to ‘blow up the system’ and others by quietly connecting with like-souled folks to walk alternate paths in communities that are increasingly co-creating new ways of life-ing.

Of the 130 countries that have a form of Proportional Representation, disenfranchisement feels less as many feel empowered to make a difference through their local and national political voices. Often they feel they are heard and have played a role in shaping decisions that co-create a way forward for their community. Although those within these countries who thrived within the patriarchy or still buy into the vision that they could get into the 1% (perhaps) react to alternate voices (that they consider ‘wrong’) having an influential say in political decision making. Stating that they are disenfranchised as they are no longer able to bulldoze their way through the ‘less than’s’.

Interestingly, according to the Democracy Index of 2023, based upon 5 categories (electoral process and pluralism; functioning of government; political participation; political culture; civil liberties) there are only 23 countries in the world that are classed as ‘full democracies’. And the top 9 are geographies who are leading the way in embracing the unifying of feminine and masculine energies (Norway, New Zealand, Iceland, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Ireland, Switzerland and the Netherlands).

There is a long way to go. And for many of us we will only witness the chaos through this dawning. However, we all have choice.

Wherever we are on our planet, we have the choice of being early adopters of the unifying of feminine and masculine energies. To lay waymarkers for others to choose whether they follow in:

• co-creating innovative and sustainable abundance;

• moving into equity where all human becomings and other life forms are celebrated for their diversity and valued for sharing power that allows requisite variety and requisite choice for all;

• embracing diverse personal & spiritual awareness underpinned by esoteric wisdoming and nuanced science;

• recognising congruent individuals for their compassion, creativity and courage that enhances community connecting.

For such a choice to be sustainable, we need to first heal our feminine energy so that we are able to nurture the healing of the masculine energy so that they are both resourceful, healthy and harming none. Only then is there opportunity for weaving into congruent unity.

Healthy feminine energy flows when we are:

• Grounded - connecting to the elements that sustain life and our loved ones who fulfil us because they embrace all of who we are

• Authentic - expressing our congruent Being of Self - emotions, thoughts, behaviours, boundaries - in any moment from a place of personal awareness, inner strength and harming none

• Empathic - receptive, open, trusting and reflective with our Self and others. Choosing to start from a place of generously assuming the best intentions of our Self and others

• Nurturing - co-creating supportive & nourishing environments that celebrates our Self and others thriving in our uniquely diverse ways

Healthy masculine energy flows when we are:

• Steadfast - demonstrating stability in moving forward with positively sustainable plans and integrity in connectivity with communities

• Transparent - expressing of our congruent Doing of Self - emotions, thoughts, behaviours, experiences and expectations - with honesty, directness, and mutual respect

• Safeguarding - co-creating spaces that offer emotional, intellectual, physical, relational and spiritual security for Self and others

• Disciplined - producing rational, meaningful outcomes that benefit our Self, our loved ones, our communities and our planet

Each of us are in different places with the health and resourcefulness of our feminine and masculine energies. And so, where we choose to move forward as a waymarker for new ways of life-ing, we will find that to bring these into balance will require different activities, focuses and learnings. Each of us will have a range of letting go to do (harder than it sounds) and new neurological pathways to lay for our Self to evolve into a state where our feminine and masculine energies are in balance. And when they are, we are able to begin weaving them into unity. Through doing all of this and sharing our experiences we are laying waymarkers.

I sense that the starting point for these healing journeys is through our Value Filters, uniquely our own. And so, we return to considering through me expressing my contemplation of my 4 aspects and inviting you to explore / experiment with embodying your own. See you there.

In 2025 I had an unplanned return to New Zealand to support my family as my sister had suddenly died. It was a time of coming together in story, of listening and connecting through shared experiences. My mother and I decided we wanted to get away for a few days and when my youngest niece mentioned she’d never been to the place where my sister and I were born, off the three of us went.

I was born and spent the first 5 years of my life in the Bay of Islands. One day as the three of us were on the passenger ferry that took us from Paihia to Russell, with the sun blazing down and sparkling across the blue waters with islands scattered wherever I looked, I had a moment of ‘a-ha’. This was why water was so deeply moving for me, this was the environment within which my initial life-ing was nurtured. And since then I have always sought to be close to water … whether sea, lake or river.

I find my Self creating metaphors that are water based to express some of the most intimate concepts and the diversity of connecting. I draw water moving, flowing, storming, waving, rippling as I am processing emotions or accessing my subconscious wisdoming.

Water has so many ways to be, liquid - ice - snow - steam. And I love all these forms. Because they are never static, there is transitional liminal space to play with, seasonal connecting is hidden here too. There are so many colours contained within water. So many scents. So many flavours. When we allow ourselves to truly be with water, to flow or freeze, to engage or float … we are opening our Self to cleansing and joy.

In day to day life I drink liters of water, wash in cool or warm or hot water, cook with water, walk near water or sit gazing out upon it. Where opportunity presents I play in or on water - canoeing, swimming, splashing, paddling, skating or sliding on ice, creating snow sculptures and so much more. Water can both hide things within it’s depths or be completely transparent in showing all. Water can be turbulent or smooth. Water nurtures life whilst at the same time holding dangers to life.

Water is everywhere, and as the initiating element within the Value Filter, I am contemplating this energy and how it shows up in my life - intentionally or otherwise. The energy of this element stems from our subconscious, flowing mysteriously through our emotional depth, intuition and sensitivity.

Water is the element for me that harnesses the power of emotional intensity, penetrating the secret and mysterious aspects of life.

And, it took me a while to embrace this truth of me. I had to sift through decades of ‘shoulding’ to realise how much I had been embodying this throughout my life. In the first 10-15 years of my life-ing I expressed the full range of my emotions intensely, and was gradually trained to ‘rein them in’ because I was ‘making others uncomfortable’.

And yet, I found that I had the capacity to flow with others emotional intensity - personally, socially and professionally . Often, just by listening and holding space for them as they expressed what they had felt unable to articulate with others. I clearly recall one of my a-ha moments with this (before I ever began unpacking my own value filter and human design).

I was having a 1:1 with a junior colleague in a professional services firm in one of my early corporate roles. This person was on the periphery of my work, but we had connected at social events. They had requested time with me to speak about something that was impacting them. And so we went to the cafe for a drink and I listened. What could have been 15-20 minutes became an hour as I allowed them to flow with what they needed to express. At the end of the time, they said to me, ‘You are different, no other senior leader has ever given me the time or space and just listened to me’.

I remember feeling incredibly sad at that statement. How was this simple choice making me stand out as a leader in this firm? I was also surprised. After all, surely the role of leaders is to be there for their people. In hindsight, I realise I still had a naivety about the realities of being within such an organisation - at any level. And, gradually, through other experiences across all areas of my life, I realised there was something about me that invited people to feel safe in sharing their lives with me at an intimate level, revealing their own mysteries and expressing what had previously been hidden or subconscious. This happens with people I have literally just met (on one occasion a gentleman walking along the street next to me just opened up) as well as with those who I have known for a long time.

And, through my own personal evolving, I was increasingly shedding the layers of ‘shoulds’ and embracing my own depths and natural ways of being in our world. It was quite the ride and continues to be … some may even say I have been surfing bodaciously through storms, playfully catching waves in the good times or sitting it out during flat spells.

And now I am experimenting with what I need intentionally in my life, each and every day, that allows me to embody the energy of Water for this powering of my Value Filter.

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When I contemplate the visuals and ways of engaging with my values I have decided to unpack each of them through 4 flows of consciousness:

• The element that each value is associated with (plus the visual that landed for me relating to that element)

• The associating energy zone (e.g. Static Feminine, Dynamic Masculine, Dynamic Feminine, Static Masculine)

• Which of our multiple brains associates most closely

• And, finally, the sphere from the Activation Sequence and my Kismet Code for that sphere.

Within each I shall explore meanings, ways I am already embodying, any aha’s I have had and any new ones that come via my writing. Ultimately, I am focusing on expanding, intentionally, how I am embodying these pivotal values with effortless ease in my day to day living.

Your opportunity, is through reading these articles, contemplating your own 4 pivotal values and how you may more intentionally embody them. Why? Because through having balance in embodying your 4 pivots you will find your Self living Freelonging (Freedom + Belonging) in ways that are sensationally simple.

In 2021 the exquisite Ebonie Allard introduced me to her Value Filter as a tool that would ground me into the fire & flow of being truly Me every day. As I felt into the concepts behind this tool my words were:

• Spirit(l)ed (water)

• Trailblazing (fire)

• Gravitas (air)

• Serenity (earth)

And yet, when I wrote my first article for this substack on 23 April 2025 I shared the evolving I have done through compassionate, creative and courageous mentoring by Ebonie and others in the intervening years. At that time, the words I used for my Value Filter were:

• Peace-giving (water)

• Purpose-filling (fire)

• Waymarking (air)

• Spirit-flowing (earth)

And as I delve deeper into embodying my own design, the ME that is shucking off decades of overt conditioning built on centuries of patriarchal control, I found my Self revisiting my Value Filter which Ebonie has also evolved. It is now ‘full fractal’ and is described as:

A philosophy, framework and way of living for soulful aligned decision making + 360º fulfilment.

The ultimate synthesis of self-trust and embodiment uniquely integrated for legacy leaving leaders, creative culture makers & soulful strategists who value their values, invest in integrity, and choose to live intentionally.

Through my embodied studies of my human design, my gene keys, my astrology and druidry (all of which are philosophies & frameworks for connecting with our individual designs and purposes in this lived experience on this planet); through daily neurological healing practices; through quietly empathising with Self and others, I have sought a deeper resonance within my Compass. And thus, now, my words are:

• In-to-me-seeing (water)

• Free-spiriting (fire)

• Truly visioning (air)

• Deeply presencing (earth)

As a visually oriented learner and communicator I have, right from the beginning of learning & playing with the value filter, connected each word & element with a visual representation. I have found that as the words have morphed, pivoted, evolved … in two cases the visual representations have stayed true whilst in the other two I have resonated differently.

Initially water was represented by a mermaid which has now become a dolphin - an image that has meant something to me since I was a child - having created drawings, paintings and sand sculptures throughout my life in many different settings. And air was represented by a griffin which has now become a hummingbird - a creature I have always been fascinated by and which became deeply moving for me as I connected with the symbology upon owning my multiple passion wiring back in 2016.

The words we use and the meaning each of us place upon them depicts how we show up in the world. Over coming articles I am going to explore each of my values depicted here and the images that give another dimension to them. I shall explore what these words mean to me, how I know I am experiencing them each day, and share examples of when I find my Self out of balance across these aspects of my Self.

I invite you to follow along by exploring your own journey through your value filter as we delve into these.

Warning, you will evolve only as much as you choose to embody with compassion, creativity and courage for Self. Giving you the resources to do compassioning, creating and couraging for others.

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Thus far we have explored 14 aspects that, from my perspective based on decades of lived experience (as well as numerous studies, professional training and qualifications), are required for the life we are in to be one full of freelonging.

• Mutuality … across all of the following. I need these in my life and also need to allow for others to have them too.

• Being Seen - having the space, environment and acceptance of who I actually am … now. Being seen and appreciated for all of me; not just those pieces that are palatable to a particular context, individual or community.

• Requisite Choice - having requisite variety so that I have requisite choice for every aspect in my life, without constraint as long as it brings no harm to others.

• Freedom of Expression - my voice, my experience, my perspectives - knowing it is as valuable and influencing as anyone else’s as our collective global community continues evolving.

• My Paths - following where they may take me, to never have failure - only feedback, to let go of what no longer serves me whilst taking up what is newly resourceful for me and the life-ing I am co-creating with others who are important to me

• Inclusive Connecting - with all peoples, generously welcoming them and being rampantly curious about who they are as human becomings. And flowing with the knowledge that in some cases these connectings will be for a sentence, others may be a paragraph or a chapter, and yet others may wend in and out whilst the rare connectings are evolving as core within each others life stories

• Being Flawsoming - stepping outside any societal constructs, ‘shoulds’, obligations, or expected dynamics and choosing how I show up, where and with whom. And embracing that this will mean others letting me go, because I refuse to ‘fit in’.

• Respect - for Self, for other life, for the planet, for what has been and is and what will be. That each is sovereign in the choices - experiments - evolvings they choose.

• Trust - that each will hold sacred the feelings and confidences of the other, that vulnerability is as important as transparency, that when a commitment is made it will be honoured, that caring is unconditional here and laughter is full of love.

• Open hearted compassion - dissolving of any ‘us’ v ‘them’ paradigms with kindness that truly connects with another person or life form despite their having very different lived experiencing. Willingness to learn and to share so others may learn, preparedness for evolving.

• Individual congruence - that as each evolves, so the Self may be congruent in this moment in a different way than has been the case in the past. And where there is dissonance in the now, each has self-responsibility for taking ownership and processing through to a new place of individual congruence. Letting go where needed and stepping into new belongings.

• Flexible creativity - combining logic and emotions into making meaning of all the information flows, expressing in a variety of ways with honesty in the moment whilst being flexible to other points of view and ways of becoming.

• Adaptive courage - to face transparency, of Self and of others, and to embrace the insights gained, to let go of what is no longer resourceful and to evolve organically. To courageously adapt as life and people happen - taking & giving feedback through each days experiences and experiments in connecting and learning - and to have capacity for others to adapt too.

• Inclusive co-creativity - being the environment where it is recognised that all bring something to the table, that initiating and building takes co-creativity, and together in our diversity we are evolving the world we want to be fully alive within.

• Safety - where there is energy that resonates with your frequencies to be however and whoever you are fully and whole-listically in any given moment. To be safe in your expressing of Self. And to be a haven where others are safe to express their Self as they are in that moment.

And, as we have begun exploring each of these aspects through this substack, I find my Self constantly coming back to what I see as tipping points of numbers. My human design is that I thrive within smaller intimate groups, connected communities and where exploring is a given.

{note - there are others who thrive within large groups and learning from their perspectives is fascinating}.

Thus my lack of surprise that behemoth work places, over-populated urban centres, expansive religious organizations, groupings arbitrarily based upon blood relationship or ethnicity or nationality provide no sustainable environment for freedom + belonging. Because there is no way within large numbers for the list within the bullet points above to be available to all peoples. Only within mutable, adaptable, intimate groupings of human becomings is there opportunity and possibility for the living experiencing of freedom and belonging.

It is within each of our gifts to design our life-ing for freelonging to be our reality. And that is where I shall turn now. Starting by considering the 4 key values I need to be experiencing every day to be full of my Self and thus embodying freelonging. With an invitation for you to identify and explore your own key values and how you may design your life to be experiencing them daily.

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Journaling prompts:

1. Review each of the 14 aspects above and summarise which are balanced and thriving in your life.

2. Where there are gaps, what is within your gift to do about that?

3. In preparation for identifying and exploring your own 4 key values I recommend Ebonie Allard’s Value Filter. An exquisitely simple tool that I find immeasurably pivotal in my own evolving and embodying of my Self. I shall reference this throughout coming posts.

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“There is a widely perceived contemporary problem with the compatibility of freedom and community—between the human need to be independent and the human need to belong. The increase in both the desire and the concrete opportunities for individual freedom—along with doubtless other connected factors like increased mobility - have led to an atomized society; community is no longer a given context of relationships in which individuals find themselves embedded, but results only from the free choice of individuals to associate. Most people want to belong, but many experience this as in tension with the desire for freedom, and contemporary cultural and economic factors give a strong advantage, in this tension, to individual freedom. Community loses out.

Is freedom necessarily destructive of community? Does community necessarily inhibit freedom? Must we be content with some kind of uneasy balance between the two? Or does the dilemma result from particular construals of freedom and community in modern Western culture? Are there ways of understanding and practicing freedom that actually enable community rather than destroy community?”

Quote from Richard Baukham, within an article for Center for Christian Ethics at Baylor University, entitled ‘Freedom and Belonging’, 2011

As I have been reflecting on the groups I have felt belonging in over my decades of life-ing thus far, I have been contemplating whether I ever truly felt belonging within work environments. Work is an interesting place - because many organizations will speak of engendering a sense of ‘belonging’ amongst their people, some will even speak about those within the organization as being ‘family’. I’ve had many jobs thus far in my life. I have had moments of belonging within smaller teams of people. And yet, other than with one employer (a small community law firm), I have never belonged.

Within a work environment, only certain aspects of the complex diversely skilled and experienced human becoming that is ‘Vikki’ was welcome. There were rules, regulations, expectations, performance metrics, roles, job descriptions, processes and procedures that created straight-jackets for the talent employed within these organizations so that we may all ‘fit’ and then we would ‘belong’. But I refused to play the game. I insisted on being a star even whilst they were trying to dull my sharp points to squeeze into the box they had defined for me (and others).

So let’s focus for a moment on the one where I did feel belonging. In the mid-late 1990s when I was a solicitor and volunteer board member for a community law centre that focused on law as it applied to young people across New Zealand. What was it about this organisation, as opposed to the 100s of others I’ve been involved with professionally, that I felt belonging there?

Well, a core element for me to feel belonging with anyone, is whether I feel safe with them. Are they, whether an individual or a group, people I can be my complex flawsome Self with? Do I sense this is reciprocal, that they feel able to be their flawsome complex Self with me? Is there open hearted compassion? How about flexible minded creativity? And do we have adaptive gutted courage to share in-to-me-see as well as fun and frivolity?

In this community law centre I did feel all these things, I felt safe in new ways. We were a small and imperfectly formed group, with a shared purpose and openness to diverse perspectives on how to achieve that. There was minimal hierarchy, shared responsibility, equity in having a voice whilst also celebrating individual autonomy for achieving aligned outcomes. There was respect, social connection, trust and willingness to learn from each other. Within our organization we found emotional, mental and physical safety with one another whilst also striving to create that environment for our clients through educating communities and standing up for them within the law of our land.

We came together across ethnicities, genders, sexualities, education, socio-economic, spiritualities and heritage with compassion and courage. There were debates, disagreements and hurt. There was also healing, vision, compromise, finding new ways that allowed for multiple perspectives to be woven together. There was laughter and caring for each of us as human becomings. When I threw a celebration to mark an event in my life, I invited all of the people involved in the centre and their partners. I have never felt safe to do that in any other organization. And as I reflected on that group, I realised I still have connection with some of these people - despite diversifying of careers, global distance and different life paths. It was a fantastic 4 years in my life and set a high bar for every other place I have worked. One that has, yet, to be met.

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As a social group we had decided at the suggestion of one of us to spend an afternoon & evening together making gumbo … from scratch. The person whose idea it had been sourced an authentic Louisiana recipe. We checked in with any food allergies or preferences that needed to be taken into account. We agreed amongst us who was going to bring which supplies, sharing ideas and suggestions for where to source certain ingredients in Auckland, New Zealand. And my flatmates and I offered to host as our place had the space and flow for easy preparation.

Once we had all gathered that Saturday afternoon, we allocated out roles based upon who was already good and who was interested in learning. Some were responsible for making bread and others for all the varying steps required to prepare the diverse ingredients within a gumbo. One was the strategic over-viewer … choreographing the timing and use of kitchen facilities so that everything came together with minimal fuss over the 4 hours it took to prepare and cook this feast.

When not working on the gumbo some gravitated outside and helped with a bit of gardening, others ended up in the living area listening to music and debating books they were reading. Others decided which wine would go best with dinner and others made sure the dining area was set to their creative intent.

Finally, the inclusive co-creating came to fruition and we spent an evening eating one of the most delicious and fun meals I have ever experienced.

Even now, nearly 30 years later, I look back at the day with deep fondness. There was a true sense of belonging amongst us as we, together, created a meal none of us had made before. Across this social group there were connections that were rooted in early childhood and others which were less than 12 months. And yet, in that time and place, there was belonging.

Half of the group were from a network at their University which was founded through a joint interest in live action role playing (e.g. Dungeon & Dragons etc). They all shared stories of when at high school having always been on the outskirts, with one or two friends, as they were seen as ‘other’ by peers. And then they had arrived at university and gravitated together - suddenly no longer rejects or outcasts, but rather welcomed into a broader group who not only had fun in their shared interests but demonstrated care of each other through broader social interactions.

When I first met them via the other half of this social gathering I still identified as a fundamental evangelical Christian. And, yet, it was in this group of people who stood aside from organised religion that I felt immediately that I was welcome and belonging was truly offered. There were no conditions for acceptance in this group. They all knew what it was to be rejected for being their Self. And, thus, each was welcome to participate within their social group fueled through collective compassionate curiosity.

Over the years I was connected with them, before relocating to the other side of the planet, I found my Self expanding through diverse conversations, a range of adventures, and coming to understand their passions. We debated wide ranging philosophies as well as whether I could actually have a phobia of vampires. We invited each other to co-create homes, friendships, exploring the country or social events. We celebrated & commiserated each other’s life spirals. And there were a lot of shared meals. Always, no matter what was going on for each of us, there was inclusive invitation and acceptance when someone chose to bow out for a while. As I reflect on the huge array of groups I have been involved with thus far in life, this remains in the top 3 for belonging.

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Sitting cosily in my living room gazing out at the snow mounds and the frozen lake beyond I am contemplating the peace I find in being alone. Recently we moved, again. And I feel more relaxed here as urban energy dissipates through a significant decrease in population. The other day I listened to someone speaking about the courage it takes to be alone, and yet I find it breathtakingly simple. Rather, it takes a lot more courage for me to step out to find new soulings to belong with.

Sitting & sipping my cup of tea, I consider that as the new people here it is on us to initiate connections. We are experienced in connecting. And know truly, really, deeply that many connections will be pleasantly surface and a few will resonate into roots of belonging. I have learnt the hard way over years (many location moves, changes in working environments, pursuing different interests and activities) that connections may not lead to belonging. And that sometimes there are delighting surprises in which connections rapidly evolve into belonging. It can be quite an exciting tumble of emotion, thought and activity.

So I have no fear about whether there will be new soulings for belonging. This time round I am full of my Self, embodying my design and thus am cognizant of where and with whom I may find belonging. It will be a fascinating unfolding over months and years to come. And yet, first I need to have the compassion, creativity and courage to step out of my delighting in aloneness to open the door for new in-person belonging.

And that, really, is what this perusing is about. Because, there is the initial courageous steps that open up opportunities for roots of belonging to be sown and I know that I have the courage for that.

However, it is the on-going belonging that takes a breadth of courage. The courage to:

• adapt as life and people happen

• face transparency, of Self and of others

• embrace the insights gained

• let go of what is no longer resourceful

• take & give feedback through each days experiences and experiments in connecting and learning

• evolve organically

• have capacity for others to adapt too.

And, in the midst of new transitions is when such courage needs to be fuelled compassionately, creatively and congruently.

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Sitting at my desk on client site one evening struggling to pull together a wide range of data into something comprehensible that got key messages across to diverse audiences I paused for a moment, stretched my arms above my head and then banged my forehead against my fist. This was so frustrating, it was refusing to come together as I endeavoured to create things in a way I felt I ‘should’ because that was how other colleagues had gone about doing things and surely then I would ‘belong’. This was my first project with a new employer and, as an experienced hire, I had already faced various prejudices from all levels of the organization as I refused to kowtow to hierarchy or accept that I was valued the same as someone who had only graduated two years previously.

I decided to take a few minutes and walked along the ‘corridor’ between desks, mostly vacant at this time of day, except for other consultants and one or two dedicated clients. I nodded to those who made eye contact as I made my way to the bathroom. As I strolled I allowed the work I was doing to play around in my mind, considering it from different angles. Having splashed water on my face I began walking back towards my desk when a colleague hailed me. I wandered over to her with a smile and quip. She was a Canadian who had been living in the UK for a few years and we had bonded over being Commonwealth citizens here in the north of England on this extensive project within a team of 28 other consultants.

We chatted about the pieces of work we were both doing - both facing similar and yet different frustrations - and we invited each other to share perspectives on how we might overcome the blocks we felt within us. Given the time of the evening it was unsurprising that we allowed ourselves to pursue ever more creative flights of fancy. Having shared a good laugh together I returned to my desk where upon sitting down I picked up a pen and began sketching out on a piece of paper a very simple way to communicate the complex data. And suddenly it all flowed together swiftly. One hour later it was done and I shared with my Canadian colleague the insights and results - which helped her shift her approach too.

The next morning we shared with our wider teams the outcome of the work we had completed the previous evenings. Suddenly, the energy shifted, we had found a way to simply and effectively express what was needed. The clients loved it. And so the project moved forward.

I also recognised that with a small group within the wider team I was accepted, I was sought out, my expertise and perspectives on life were appreciated and I was invited to spend social time with them. With these people there were the roots of belonging. And, interestingly, that small group of people continued to stay connected with me over the decades since we all were on that project together. The roots of belonging bore fruit in many different ways.

As I reflect on this experience I see that creativity requires flexibility, it requires openness to new views or ways of becoming, it requires an ability to congruently state ‘this is no longer working, let’s do something else’ and it requires the courage to freely follow your own expressing without assuming how others may experience it. And I also recognise that without such flexible creativity and having the courage to share it with colleagues, the roots of belonging may never have happened.

Over the decades as I have moved forward with flexible creativity in a variety of environments I have found that it opens & closes doors of belonging. And that in many ways this is a mechanism of filtering in (or out) those with whom I may have the freedom to belong.

What do I mean by that?

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I sat in the room amongst my peers listening to the leader talking about our own personal congruence. Where we are internally aligned with our core Self. And, bombshell for me, that this internal core Self was far from static. That actually, being authentic is about evolving. We each grow, take on new, shed old, retain what is working, discard what is no longer resourceful. We all have neuro-plasticity, meaning we can - no matter what age or stage we’re at - learn new tricks and let go of old ones. And, even more mind blowing for me, that scientific research had discovered that many of our cells regenerate between every few weeks to every 15 years. Meaning, we literally are not the same person we were a month ago, let alone 15 years ago.

Wow, did this make me re-connect with my Self and how I had been ‘shoulding’ all over my Self so that I may ‘belong’ with people who expected me to show up as their preferred version of me. Often their perception of my version 1.0 or 2.0 … and here I am in version 7.0.

I realised that I had spent decades of my life - personally, socially and professionally - attempting to be individually congruent based upon ‘shoulds’ … whether they came from so-called norms stated via family, school, church, social, nation, work or wider societal media depictions.

• I ‘should’ put members of my family and their dreams before my own

• I ‘should’ get A’s in all my studies so ‘should’ study all the time at the expense of pursuing other interests

• I ‘should’ not show my intelligence or leadership too much because Christian men found it daunting and I’d end up single all my life

• I ‘should’ party hard in the kind of environments where I would be noticed to make the right connections for experiencing desired social goals

• I ‘should’ be a supporter of sports teams & talk about when I was moving back to Aotearoa because that was what made me a ‘Kiwi’

• I ‘should’ kowtow to the $$ and the patriarchy so that I may give a performance that would be rewarded within corporate paradigms

• I ‘should’ crush it, get this many ‘likes’, dress & exercise in certain ways, speak dumber, find a niche and stick to it, build a platform … all to be an influencer in our society because then I would have ‘made it’.

And as I reviewed all these ‘shoulds’ I realised that none of them fit me - in any of my versions. No wonder I had never truly been individually congruent because there is no freedom in aligning with ‘shoulds’. And without individual congruence, I was never going to truly belong. Because others pick up, often unconsciously, where someone is being inauthentic (also often unconsciously) and thus there is no fit for connecting.

That learning, that insight, gained in that room, with those people was pivotal in my evolution from version 5.5 to version 6.0. To a level of self-awareness and healing that allows me to continuously realign, to find my individual congruence in my now.

This was a new level of freedoming and thus a new opportunity for belonging.

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Just about to leave my flat in Auckland in the late 1990s for a night out, I turned to the friend who had come up from the Waikato to stay for the weekend and asked:

“Are you okay with this?”

She looked back at me with a glint in her eyes whilst her face retained it’s serious mien, “Yes, it is a new experience for me, but I think I will be okay”.

We were on our way to an evening celebrating PRIDE in the upstairs of a downtown pub. We were joining one of my friends from work to support her whilst her female life partner performed.

Until that moment I hadn’t really thought that my visiting friend may be stepping well outside her comfort zone to come to the event with me. We had met some years previously when we attended the same church in the Waikato. A church where, at the time, people’s sexuality was either not acknowledged or was deemed something that made them ‘sinners’.

However, there was a reason we were friends (& still are). We both, even whilst attending that church, were open hearted in our compassion. I recalled conversations we had through our times together co-creating monthly newsletters for the youth group where we grappled with questions as to inclusiveness or not of many of the 'Christian’ groups we were connected with. Where ‘loving your neighbour as you love your Self’ only seemed to apply if the neighbour was very nearly like you.

So, really, I shouldn’t have been surprised she had the courage to step outside her comfort zone by coming with me. We had a fabulous evening, met really interesting folks, listened to incredible music and ate great food.

Afterwards as we debriefed on the evening on our way home again, my visiting friend thanked me for taking her to this event and opening her world just a little more. And her world continues to expand with her open hearted compassion fueling her rampant curiosity.

Connecting with others who on the surface may be different reveals that all it takes is to peel back a layer to discover the shared human experiencings that we have with each other. Common interests, similar life dreams, values that matter to us, connections that bring meaning into our way of becoming in this world. And to learn, to have perspectives challenged, to allow for expansion through discussing diverse ways of being.

And I have learnt through my decades around the world that by having this willingness to learn and to share so others may learn, you open the doors to unexpected belonging. To discovering more about your Self and to opening up pathways for your Self and others.

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Brene Brown speaks about trust being like a marble jar. Each time someone does something good in your life, is there for you, has your back … whether in small or large ways … you put a marble in the jar for them. And when they do something that hurts you or dents your trust in them you take a marble or two out of the jar. As long as there are marble’s in the jar you have trust in the other.

Through to my mid 30s I saw trust differently. I approached all people with a baseline trust level, everyone had a chance with me - until proven otherwise. But once trust was broken, that was it. Kaput. No more trust. It was a one time shot for me. Trust wasn’t broken by moments that I may find marginally hurtful, rather it was something larger - an inherent betrayal by another that demonstrated how little they knew or cared about the complex becoming I am. Or, where the marginal hurts built up trust would dissolve away to nothing and I would no longer allow the other in my life.

Or, occasionally, it was where someone betrayed or significantly hurt another that any trust I had in them also dissipated.

And then I experienced the ultimate betrayal. The man I was married to ended our relationship via a text message. We were living in different cities at the time as we were (I believed) relocating from one to another. However, during our time apart he had decided, without any conversations with me, to end things - just like that. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I had deeply and inherently trusted him with my entire Self, only to discover that he had minimal comprehension of who I was and perceived me as someone entirely different than who I felt I showed up as. Trust was crushed beyond repair. That ending was over 20 years ago and within a year from that date there was no relationship between us at all.

However, as I processed through that time, through counselling and amazing friends who were there for me over and over again, I began to rebuild my Self in richer and more whole ways. And I began to relate to others in new ways too, with an openness to my own complexities as well as to theirs. With an invitation to make mistakes and learn together and thus grow as needed. The more I understood that relationships flow and ebb, that trust is a gift and a choice, the better my friendships and other relationships were.

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Throughout my life I have struggled with others who in so many little and large ways demonstrate how little respect they have for others. It took me decades to recognise that this was because they had little respect for themselves and therefore no capacity to respect others. It took about the same length of time to realise there is a difference between respect and kowtowing to perceived authority or displaying manners that feel like an expectation of our cultures, society, family.

*****

I stood in front of this group of male Maori & Pacific Island high risk offenders. It was the first of our classes in a program that would teach them cognitive skills with the intention that they would have the tools to stop and think before committing more offences. I had met each of them individually to assess whether the programme was the right move for them at this time in their life. And this was the initial coming together. And I began with respect.

Having introduced my Self I went on to say:

“I do not expect respect at this point from you to me or between you. Respect is earned over time. I do, however, expect politeness and openness to learning from me and from each other.”

There was silence. And then one of the participants, a member of a gang, spoke:

“Miss, we have to respect you otherwise we will get into trouble.”

“Let’s talk about what we each think ‘respect’ looks and sounds like” I responded.

As the conversation progressed, with different people in the group sharing their opinions so the class began to shape into one that laid a foundation for growing respect.

A dictionary defines respect as having due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, traditions of others. To pay proper attention to, to show consideration for, to treat courteously, to hold in esteem or honour.

It may also mean paying deference to someone based on a privileged position.

It was this latter meaning that the people in that room were speaking of. And yet, I have never felt that just because someone has a position or title of some description based upon privilege that this automatically gives them a showing of respect from everyone. Where someone demonstrates to others consistently a personal quality or ability that aligns with the privileged position then respect begins to be earnt.

I was a Caucasian woman who lived in an area of Auckland that was upper middle socio-economically. I was highly educated and had a position of authority over the people in this class. Technically they were right that if they did not show due regard for me in this role then they could get into trouble. However, that is no grounding for a program of learning seeking to enable these people to make different choices in their lives and break the cycles they found themselves and their families in.

Instead, through this conversation, I was modelling what it feels like to show consideration for the wishes and rights they had as human becomings themselves. During the 72 hours of learning we shared over the next 12 weeks we all learnt to respect each other within the context we were within. Assumptions were challenged with courtesy, proper attention was paid to each individual as they opened up about an experience, and when one had a deep ‘a-ha’ moment which they then put into action in their lives we all honoured that quality.

By the graduation ceremony of this class, there was genuine respect between us all. The participants had gone through some gruelling moments as they learnt different options for making choices. Each, at some point in the program, had faced an a-ha that unveiled the responsibility they had in the choices they had made throughout life to lead them to this time and place. And I had, consistently and relentlessly, showed up with strength of purpose, positive belief in their ability to learn, vulnerability in showing them my own shortfalls as a human becoming and openness to honouring their choices each day. Within this context we had belonging.

****

So, for me, respect looks like paying attention and showing consideration for the feelings, dreams, rights, traditions of my Self and others. And where there is consistent demonstration of resourceful behaviours and abilities that are aligned with their words to hold such people in honour.

Respect, in this sense, is a high bar to hold my Self and others to. Or so it feels in this day and age. Especially when I am someone who will not respect A.N. Other just because I ‘should’. I will always be courteously open to people demonstrating they are worthy of my respect, however, a title or a perceived position is in no way a starting point as far as I am concerned.

My perspective and map of the world is that the starting point for mutual respect is that they are a human becoming, with their own stories, experiences, skills, knowledge and insights. As am I. We are both in this time and place but may have followed different paths to be here. Where we are both open to learning who the other is and how congruent we each are in showing up in our world then respect may evolve.

And even as I am writing this I am having an a-ha of my own. Here is the beginning point of the challenge for me in feeling belonging in so many spaces, places, groups.

I have always respected life forms, in all the diverse and myriad ways that life is on this planet. And this respect applies to all human becomings also. At least, as a baseline. I am always open to learning about other human becomings, what truly matters to them, what meaning they give to their experiences, and what actions they take in our world. Starting from a place of compassion that states we all have value and our stories have worth, I am rampantly curious when connecting with others. There is an assumption of respect - in so far as having due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, traditions of others.

However, belonging appears to need more than this, the baseline needs to be built upon so that we may mutually hold one another in esteem and demonstrate how we honour our diversity as well as our commonalities.

But, I have frequently discovered that other human becomings have an alternative baseline for respect. And thus for belonging. Judgements appear to be quickly made as to whether you are ‘us’ or ‘them’ - whatever that definition may be. Whether you ‘fit’ or ‘need to change’ or ‘unfit’. For some there is the assumption that they deserve respect because of their position, title, privilege whereas others are unworthy of receiving respect as they appear to have a lesser position, junior or no title, minimal privilege. Thus there is no need to demonstrate regard for these others, although they expect it to be demonstrated to them.

I am never going to belong in these environments. Quite how I survived within the corporate world for 20 odd years is a mystery to all.

The first time I truly came across this sense of ‘you must respect me because I have a certain position/title’ was when I had my first role in a professional services firm in England. It took me a while to understand the weaving together of millennia of patriarchal hierarchal norms, class based structures, and inherent snobbery that flows within such cultures because it is a lot more fluid in Aotearoa New Zealand - at least in my experiences during my first 3 decades of life-ing.

I burst into my role in that firm full of my usual optimistic high energy and actually had some of my best working experiences whilst there over the next 18 months, making friendships where there is still connection today. However, I also ran smack into brick walls where certain Partners of the firm had the expectation that if they said ‘jump’ my response was to be ‘how high’. Instead I would ask ‘why, what is the outcome you are seeking? / how does this align with other priorities? / how does this open opportunities for many rather than the few?’ etc. Some Partners found this refreshing, many of the others did not. And ultimately I moved elsewhere, only to discover this sense of privilege shows up again and again in these corporate out-moded environments.

Over time I have come to recognise that many who hide behind the ‘respect due to privilege’ who then do not show respect to others they deem less than them in some way, is because when you scrape the surface they have little inherent congruent respect for their Self. When we struggle to respect who we actually are, our natural ways of becoming, talents, interests and easy connections, then it is deeply challenging to extend respect to diverse others. It is simpler to hide behind the so called expectations of perceived ‘society’, pushing others into the ‘them’ box and gliding within the ‘us’ box.

And thus, I never found belonging in these environments. As well as discovering I was never free to be fully me, I was also rarely respected for who I was and how I showed up.

Now that I am, once again, outwith these environments and am gradually evolving community with diverse yet like-souled folks, I am finding that belonging is possible in smaller groups. That I can be free and there is openness to growing relationships based in mutual respect. It is something that happens over time and through many small and medium sized experiences. For belonging it is malleable and adapts as new information and emotional experiences occur.

*********^^^^*************

Journaling prompts:

1. Write out 3 connections where you have felt deep abiding respect - perhaps professional, socially, personally. When you’ve written the stories, consider what are the common themes and patterns?

2. As you meditate upon these experiences of respect, what are your insights as to what respect feels, looks and sounds like to you?

3. How has the surface level ‘respect’ that society deems required for those in certain positions shaped or impacted you?

4. When you consider respect and it’s relationship to belonging, how has this shown up in your life?

5. What needs to shift for you to truly, really, deeply respect your Self?

6. And how will this alter the way you perceive and demonstrate respect and belonging from this moment?

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When I was starting high school I heard of a locally made movie ‘Utu’ that had been released in 1983. It was based on historical happenings in colonial New Zealand and was depicted as a movie about ‘revenge’ by a Maori warrior against the British and Pakeha who had annihilated his village in the ‘New Zealand wars’ that occurred in the 1870s. It wasn’t until I was working as a probation officer in south Auckland a decade later that I began to understand that there is so much more to ‘utu’, that it is a foundational concept of reciprocity, balance and exchange. I remember listening to the Maori elders I worked alongside as they shared stories that showcased that utu may mean pursuing kind, caring actions or it may mean seeking reciprocity - payment, retaliation, compensation, restitution. Either way the focus is on balance that restores social harmony and individual respect, integrity, honour.

Whether I understood it or not, I had grown up in environments that were about fairness, transparency and harmony. Raised by parents who had spent their early childhoods and youth in post-war Britain before migrating across the planet to have our family in Aotearoa. And within the communities where we lived I connected with, learnt and grew alongside, local tangata whenua who expressed utu in their day to day actions.

So, perhaps I am unsurprised that over the last two decades I have increasingly been acknowledging to my Self how important mutuality is to me when it comes to belonging (& therefore freedom).

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As I have been pondering the other strand within ‘freelonging’ … belonging … vignettes of when I have truly really deeply felt belonging have danced before me:

• Walking the miles along the low tide line at Raglan beach on the west coast of the North Island of New Zealand, singing as I stroll. Watching the dance of light over the water, listening to the birds calling to the waves as they roll onto the shore and then recede again, smelling the wet sand as my feet sink slightly into the softness, tasting the salt in the spray as waves crash near me, sensing the sun and breeze play along my skin. Here I belong to me and to our world. No other people are around me. Just endless skies, seas and sands painted with hills rolling in the background.

• Strolling the streets of New Orleans, dressed in corset, feathers and masks. Cheering as the floats drive past, laughing as yet another group of people ask for photos with us, humming along to live bands that randomly line the street, agreeing to a kiss with a random stranger. Sharing these experiences with close friends who join me in stretching our comfort zones. Here we belong with one another and the strangers gathered here, celebrating our diverse lives and perspectives as they come together.

• Glancing up as the door is flung open and my bags are swept from my hands as I stumble inside before feeling the safety of loving arms drawing me in to a heart-to-heart hug. Gazing into the eyes of my life partner, knowing deeply that here is mutual belonging, trusting and celebrating each other for all our complex flawsomely evolving Selves.

There are many others, not huge amounts, because it is rare for me to truly, really, deeply feel belonging other than in the knowledge of belonging with my Self and my life partner. Perhaps because it is rare for me, in groups of other people, to feel free … and that is the starting point for me to belong.

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Sitting in my flat in London, I hung up the phone, feeling the complex polarity of emotions flowing through me. I had just said a resounding ‘no’ to my sister in New Zealand. Who was, again, rolling out the supposed expectations of familial duty that I apparently owed to our mother, to her and to our family. Familial duty that over the previous decade I had come to recognise as a one direction street. And over the last two years, through that recognition, I had begun to honour my Self and my boundaries.

There were times it was hard though.

Thus the complex polarity. Emotions included:

• Relief and pride that I had the inner strength and courage to say no.

• Shock that the request had been put to me as if my way of life was so much less in value than theirs.

• Gut wrenching pain in choosing to decline the request.

• Sadness that I was never going to meet my sister’s expectations anymore because when I did I diminished my Self.

• Happiness that my life long dream was finally going to be a reality.

• Love for my Self and compassion for the place my family in New Zealand found themselves in.

• Anger that rather than doing what they had left me to do over the years and call upon their local support network they expected me to drop everything and go to them.

• Joy and satisfaction that through my own choices I was able to pursue my own pathways.

I had freely made my choice. My no was an expression of my freedom. And yet, it was flawsome. Because when we live our freedom there are consequences, just as there are when we comply with others expectations or do what is required to ‘fit in’.

At the time this conversation happened I was in my early 40s and had been living in the UK for 13 years. My relationship with my sister had been seemingly close for the first 8 years of that because I had always found a way to make my finances and annual leave stretch to be in New Zealand when family occasions demanded it. When I had needed family support, it was given to me, IF I returned to New Zealand to receive it. But, at first, I was unaware that was the case. I assumed there was mutuality even when no-one in my family came to give me support during my first open heart surgery. I took all their ‘reasons’ as legitimate.

But the cracks began.

And then, as I gave up another year of annual leave and savings to be in New Zealand to look after the 4 children my sister had chosen to have so that she and her husband could have a week in Fiji celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary, I discovered that my version of events were of less value than those of others. Having experienced a row with my sister upon their return I found my Self crying in tears on the floor of my mother’s lounge stating ‘I just want to go home’ … finally recognising that neither New Zealand or my birth family were that to me anymore.

Trust was eroding.

I’d like to say that this ‘no’ was the end of my hope in having a mutually valuing relationship with my sister. For a while I continued to hope, two more visits by me to New Zealand and one trip by my sister with our mother in England and I came to an acceptance that the hope needed to be let go. I continued to disappoint her expectations. And, despite being open to having real reconciling conversations, she never seemed in a space for that to be an option.

Finally, at a women’s retreat themed ‘Starting Over’ I participated in a ritual where we were invited to spiritually cut the ties with someone whose presence in our lives consistently caused us to doubt our value in our world. I chose to cut those ties with my sister. I was no longer available for her, or her family’s, expectations. This by no means led to no further connection. Rather the connections were of a different quality, where I made no apologies for being me or for the life I chose to live. There were still plenty of uncomfortable moments but I no longer played to them.

So, flawsoming. Awesoming through embracing my so-called flaws. (Thanks to the effervescent Georgia Murch and her book ‘Flawsome: The journey to being whole is learning to be holey’).

Increasingly as I consider the world humanity have co-created throughout the millennia of the patriarchy I have noticed how fundamentally broken ‘society’ is. Predominantly because we miss the point that rather than society we are designed to flourish in community with others.

• Society is a made up construct based on false hierarchies, unbalanced power dynamics, behemoth organizations and heartless processes.

• Community is the interwoven mutually valuing connections with diverse others we are drawn to. Community is where people are accepted for all that they are and co-create sustainable mutable guardrails so all are safe to explore and evolve; where it harms none.

Society is exclusive. Community is inclusive. Society rigidly expects cohesion and compliance. Community flows with congruence and innovative adaptability. Society is based upon the sacrifice of many to appease or sustain the power of the few. Community is about collectively playing to individual strengths so that as a whole weaknesses are opportunities to learn, heal and progress. Society enforces that the ‘normal’ of a few applies to the masses of humanity. Community is about smaller closer connections where diversity is celebrated as the ‘normal’ and freely allows for other communities to have their own ‘normal’.

Within ‘society’ there is no freedom, even for many who are perceived as ‘in power’. That power is predicated on them maintaining and fitting in with the status quo without openly embracing any of their own flawsomeness. Most of society is built upon foundations of property ownership, ‘class’ or societal position, and ‘family’.

And yet, these foundations were built on sand. Admittedly sand that has held up these structures for millennia. But those sands have always been shifting, any stability has only been kept as those in power have created fear & ignorance for those who are so-called ‘beneath’ them to enforce compliance.

Now, as more and more people step away from expectations of ‘society’ through creating their own communities the foundations are crumbling. Chaos reigns as the patriarchy desperately attempts to hold together the status quo. ‘Family’ being that of blood-marriage-property ties is increasingly giving sway to ‘found family’. People are stepping away from the relationships that have caused them to ‘live up to our expectations’ or to feel ‘less than’ to find mutual unconditional love and support elsewhere. Because it is in the latter that they feel free to be all of who they are in their flawsomeness. And thus they truly belong.

As more people connect with how they truly feel free the world we live in is exponentially changing. The definitions we have been given of what it is to live in the ‘free world’ are increasingly being shown to be merely ‘the emperors clothes’. People are questioning everything, focusing more of their energy on quality connections which build each other up, making choices that support sustainability for our planet as well as people. People are realising how false many of the constructs upon which we ‘should’ live are and are quietly creating their own joyful life-ing.

And we are only at the beginning. There are diverse communities around the world coming together as people find others who feel truly free as they do. Where open-hearted allyship is allowing restitution through collective healing.

Whilst others are doing their best to retain their power, fit into out-moded paradigms and attempting to enforce others to align.

Times are messy. For many they are scary and horrible. Only as each of us defines our own freedom and stands in our personal sovereignty will we find ourselves in community with others.

And where do you start?

First with figuring out what being free feels, sounds, looks like to you.

And then connecting with your 5, before expanding to your 15 and on to your 50. And you’ll find through your 50 that you have further connecting to your 150 and from their to your 1500. Within those circles, that community, in your freedom you will find belonging.

Or, at least, that is my experiencing thus far.

It was a beautiful evening as Mum and I sat at our table waiting for our meal to be served. We gazed out over the Mediterranean Sea discussing the joyful day we had experienced on the Amalfi Coast. Mum was visiting me in the UK and I was taking joy in treating her to a mini-holiday somewhere neither of us had ever been. This time we were spending 10 days exploring a few places in Italy - Venice, Rome and Amalfi.

We spoke of loved ones in New Zealand, the UK and other parts of the world. I had recently started sharing an apartment with my gay best friend, Brett. I had known him since we were both sparkling new lawyers offering our services as volunteers to a law centre that provided advice and legal insights to young people across New Zealand on their rights and responsibilities. We had moved to London in the same year, and now, 8 or so years later we were sharing a home together. And Mum was getting to spend quality time with him whilst she stayed with us.

Brett had been my sounding board as I was feeling my way in relation to a graduate I was mentoring within the global corporate consultancy I worked in. This young adult was struggling to be transparent about his sexuality as he came from a family background that would vilify him if they knew. But, he wanted to be true to him Self whilst also fearing that being gay would impact negatively at work. My confusion came from a place of not understanding where his family were coming from. I knew that others, including Brett himself, had been wary of ‘coming out’. I understood the his & her story behind such wariness. But …

When I was speaking with Mum over this lovely meal about my confusion, she looked at me and said; “Well, of course you’re confused, you have always seen people as people first and foremost and not judged them for ‘being’ anything else”.

I sat back and looked at her as I took onboard her insights into me.

This was and is true. Which is why I struggle with the unwarranted judgements others place on people who are ‘not us’. Such judgements deny both themselves and others freedom as well as belonging.

Another time, I was having a telephone conversation with my paternal grandmother. Queen Elizabeth II was visiting New Zealand and Grandy was put out that the female prime minster had worn a trouser suit to greet the Queen. I had no problem with this at all and wanted to know why Grandy was upset.

“Well, she’s the Queen, her rank means people need to behave and dress in certain ways”.

Ahhhh, and here we had fascinating insights into generational, geo-political, life experiencing differences. Despite having lived in the UK for some time at this point, I still did not recognise ‘class’ as a difference to be respected. I do not see any other person on this planet as ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ to me in any way, least of all merely because of an accident of birth that either gave them or deprived them of privilege. I connect with people of all walks of life, seeking to engage with them through the commonalities we have as human becomings and from that base exploring to learn from our differences.

As soon as we kowtow to notions of ‘class’ or ‘hierarchy within work environments’ or ‘cultural-societal expectations’ that state that someone is of more value than another, then we are removing freedom from our Selves as well as others. And in such environments no-one truly belongs, because they are never able to be freely who they are in any given moment.

This is why I struggle with the whole notion of ‘us vs them’. That any other human becoming is ‘not us’ and therefore, in some way, unacceptable or less than. It is why I struggle with any expectations that we need to align with some ‘norm’ that has been defined somehow, somewhen, somewhere to belong. We have had millennia of curtailing freedom of ourselves and others. And thus the majority of people have and continue to feel they do not truly belong, that they have to do & be in certain ways so that they may fit in to survive.

I met Fatima in Jinga, Uganda and we immediately clicked. On the surface we couldn’t be more different from each other and yet “We are sisters from different mothers” became our mantra as we shared stories, foods and art from our lives. I am a person who is naturally rampantly curious about people and what makes them tick. I enjoy connecting with new people, sharing experiences and insights between us. I learn about them, they about me and all of us more about our world through such connectings. Where there is mutual resonance, I appreciate nurturing those connections and flowing with where the friendships may go.

And, I also embrace that on rare occasions, there is no resonance at all. If anything, there is a level of inherent dissonance. When that happens I acknowledge within my Self and end such connections. I will reflect for my Self so that I may learn more about what triggers such reactions whilst accepting that not all moments of connection need to lead anywhere. In no way does such a response mean that I see the other as of less value than me. Instead this is accepting that my energy is to be shared with those who are open to evolving and, no matter how sad I may find it, there are those in our world whose fundamental approaches to life create impermeable barriers for compassionate connection. And I need to let them be.

As I am writing I am reflecting on the 1000s of connections I have shared over the last half a century around our glorious world. Some have been a meaningful moment in time and then we have all moved on. Other connections have lasted for a paragraph or chapter of my life-story. Other connections who are more mutually resonating have woven in and out of a variety of experiences and moments both in real life and virtually. And a handful of these connections we find we are mutually core to the evolving of each other’s life-stories.

My connections, my loved ones, my friends and social acquaintances are diverse from every walk of life across every continent. Peoples of all gender identities, sexualities, belief systems, political persuasions, many languages, career pathways, socio-economic differentials and abilities are within my circles … my 5, 15, 50, 150, 500, 1500 and beyond. My life is richer for this diversity and for the freedom there is in the spaces I inhabit for each of us to share who we are, knowing the other is open to learning from me as I am from them. Together we are the future of our world.

Over the last year I have become more and more connected to how even when on the surface it appears someone is following their own paths in their life-ing, often - even to themselves - there is lack of awareness of constraints upon their freedom. Of times and ways that they may be dimming their light, making themselves small or big (depending on context), making concessions to fit in (even if only in the margins) of perceived conventional societal or professional expectations.

As a Manifesting Generator, a person with multiple passions, an individual hardwired for rampant curiosity, a lifelong learner … whose underlying fascinations in our world are:

• Compassionately caring for all life across our planet

• Exploring what makes people tick

• Evolving or transformational change

… I have (thus far) experienced more than 24 jobs over 6 career journeys whilst completing 17 self-funded programs of study. Other layers to my pathways have included living in 17 urban environments across 4 countries; travelling within 68 other countries/states/provinces connecting with multitudes of peoples and learning of their cultures interwoven with their his-her-story; and, pursuing (for a period) all sorts of random interests whilst they have intrigued me.

So, yes, I have - at least on the surface - followed my own paths in life. There has been a level of freedom that has allowed me to make so many different choices and see where they may lead. I am incredibly grateful for having been born in the times I was, to the parents I had and to have grown up in the country of New Zealand.

And yet …

Acceleration of awareness occurred when earlier in the week I had returned from a lovely interwoven digital nomading + vacation fortnight in the stunning environs of Newfoundland. I’d been back at home + work for a few days and a calendar invite for later that day appeared in my email box from a member of the Canada Executive Leadership team to ‘connect’. This was an individual who I would always have a chat with when we ran into one another in the office, but whom I had never had a 1:1 with over the 2+ years I had been employed by this company. Reading it I considered there to be two options for why he may have sent the invitation … either there was an area of my professional expertise that may be of help to his part of the organization or I was going to be informed I was being let go. I was pretty sure it would be the second option and told Gareth this over lunch.

North America, including Canada, has different approaches to how businesses treat employees than the regions I had been employed in over the past 30 odd years of my adulting. Although I had some sense of this before relocating to this region having previously been involved in global reorganization projects, living here made the patriarchal realities a lot more in-your-face. Additionally, the active culture of the company I worked for included complete lack of transparency - so people would disappear overnight from the systems with no notifications as to who had left or who was taking over their responsibilities. Certainly did nothing for morale.

Anyway, I was right. The individual spent 2 minutes informing me and then I was handed over to HR to take me through the process. 20 minutes later I danced out of my home office and into Gareth’s home office and crowed, “I am free!!”

Following the moment of being let go by my employer with zero notice, I saw an invitation from Ebonie Allard to participate within her ‘Embody Your Design’ container. A number of years ago she had been my guide within another container, introducing me to the frameworks of Numerology, Astrology, Human Design as well as others. And I recognised that this timing was exquisite for taking that knowledge and deepening my own embodying of it, through exploring and experimenting.

As I am nearing a year on this Embodying Your Design journey, I have been unpacking where I have kept my dreams small to support others in fulfilling their dreams and acknowledging consequences where I have halted my support, set new boundaries and begun to focus on fulfilling my own bigger dreams. I have continued to identify where I have been subsuming the entirety of me so that others may feel comfortable in their choices, where I have been diminishing what fills me with joie de vivre or breaks my heart so that others may stay within their comfort zones, where I have allowed my own fear to get in my own way.

And I am experimenting with what happens when I embrace all of my design, including the shadows as well as the light. The framework that I find most resourceful in this experimenting is Human Design - downloaded, conceptualised and shared by Ra Uru Hu since 1992 and extrapolated by Richard Rudd from 2002 in his work on Gene Keys. And two of my complexities that jumped out immediately as needing to be explored and embraced so that I may truly feel free to follow paths that light me up were:

• My Life’s Work & my Brand (my Conscious Sun) & my Intellectual Quotient (my Conscious Venus) - Code 59 known as Penetrating Playmate within Ebonie’s ‘Kismet Codes’ that weave together so many frameworks. This energy is all about deep intimacy beyond words, where vulnerability is the secret of intimacy. It leads to fruitful connections that birth creative projects. The shadow of this code is dishonesty, whilst the light is transparency - with intimacy being the gift that bridges between the two.

• My Purpose (my Unconscious Earth) & my Culture (my Unconscious Jupiter) - Code 34 known as Pure Potent Power. This energy is recognising that power IS energy, a force that can be used for everyone’s sovereignty and empowerment. Opportunities to cultivate inner strength, faith and flow that make visions a reality. The shadow of this code is force, whilst the light is majesty - with strength being the gift that bridges between the two.

These codes jumped out because I instantly felt resistance within my body, my Self. And I got curious about where that came from, what constraints had I consciously and unconsciously been placing upon my Self over the decades of my life? Where had I chosen to limit my freedom and, therefore, genuine belonging?

As my Life’s Work, Code 59 is both one of my most natural gifts whilst being unsurprising that there is resistance with Penetrating Playmate - as the shadow will show up again and again and again in my life for me to accept and embrace it so that I may move on from it. As my Brand, this is how I project my inner essence uniquely out into the world through clear and honest communication. And as my IQ this is how my intellect communicates the connections between feelings, experiences and higher purpose.

And so my initial resistance to Penetrating Playmate was the word ‘intimacy’ because it felt sexual to me. I am comfortable with the intimacy I share and continue to evolve on all the levels with my partner but the thought of being intimate with others threw me off. And whereas I easily embrace there is definitely an element of sensuality about any form of intimacy, the idea of sexuality was a struggle. But then two things happened to move me into embracing this aspect of my Self …

Firstly, a woman I spoke with about this challenge shared a story with me of her own journey with the word intimacy and how it shifted when she reframed it as ‘in-to-me-see’. POW! And shift. That made all the difference to me and how this code that shows up 3 times in my design landed for me.

Because, secondly, when I reflect on my social, personal, professional experiences throughout my life - my biggest learnings, evolvings, connectings, and fulfillings have been where I have allowed others to see me and where they have invited me to see them too. The most satisfying experiences in my life-ing are where there is mutual in-to-me-see based on current transparency that leads to birthing creativity.

And I had to recognise, learn from, grieve and let go of the many many times - especially in my professional or societal journeys - where constraint had been overtly placed upon my natural approach or where there was a tacit culture of dishonesty which inhibited me. Now I am healing from these wounds, acknowledging my own dishonesty with my Self and others, and finding the inner strength to move forward with playful transparency and penetrating intimacy.

Within Human Design & Gene Codes our Purpose code is the energy inviting us to embody what we are here in this world to be and do now - both in our physical being and in our relating with others. Whilst our Culture code shows us how we best fit into the social fabric of our world, how we are designed to operate within a collective/ community engendering emotional, spiritual and material posterity.

With Code 34 I struggled with the idea of power - unsurprising after millenia of humanity being subjected to the unhealthy masculine / patriarchal perspectives and actions of what ‘power’ looks, tastes and feels like. And I frequently subtly display oppositional defiance when others try to ‘force’ me to either believe, do or be something of their choosing. And I dislike feeling that I am within a position that ‘forces’ others to believe, do or be something that is other than their choosing.

Suddenly, I was back face-to-face with decades of working within behemoth corporations - faceless, meaningless and heartless. Where relentless growth was god and numbers were king. Where each of us was ‘forced’ to play roles within organisations that were designed to contain, control and constrain us even whilst words were bandied around about innovation, purpose and inclusion. Where on one hand we were told we were valued for the individuality we brought to the corporation and on the other we were kicked to the curb for not fitting in.

These wounds were insidious, even where I felt I was prepared to return to that environment. Old wounds were found, re-opened, gouged deeper whilst new ones were whipped into my heart and my psyche. Healing from this is a process of acknowledgement and inter-personal restitution as I connect with my deepest and innermost truths of Self.

And so, exploring power in different ways, altering my perceptions to a healthy feminine that invites healthy masculine to the party, is evolving my relationship with the energy of POWER - especially where I allow it to flow purely and potently. The power I exude is subtle; it is kindly curious, inviting others to safely explore their own freedom in playful free spirited ways. I am embracing that my pure potent power energy is the essence of my presence that empowers others to choose to dance in their own sovereignty. And both individually and collectively we are cultivating inner strength, faith and flow where our visions become our reality.

The exploring continues … it is a lifelong weaving of paths … minimal straight lines and everything is malleable, sustainable and deeply delighting - even the dark spaces. The paths opening before me are myriad, diverse and healing. With much learning inviting me forward and new connectings with opportunities for adventure. Each day I feel more free. Each step leaving previous constraints behind.

I was in my mid 20s, sitting in the small living room that was one of the guys private area in his parent’s house listening to his group of friends debating politics with each other. I was there with one of my closest friends who was dating this guy. And I was very different in my political, social and spiritual perspectives than any of the males who were dominating this space.

Suddenly, one of the men turned to me and asked me a political question … having been through this scenario on a number of previous evenings, I declined to respond. I had come to realise that there was no interest in having an open dialogue where all parties were prepared to learn from each other. Rather, these men, knowing I held different perspectives, would ask me questions that they assumed they already knew how I would answer and then would together vilify whatever perspective I may express.

Although in many respects these were people I enjoyed spending time with, I have never had an interest in discussions that are not multilogued … but rather are multi-person monologued. Aka an echo chamber. I had no interest in being part of this, or any other, echo chamber.

And so, I did not feel truly free with this group of people. I learnt from listening to them. And there were areas that they did genuinely seek my insights and sharing of my experiences … however, what they perceived as politics was an area I learnt to avoid engaging with them on. Because it hurt to discover there was no active listening from them.

As soon as we feel constrained in our expressing in any way, we are no longer free. Having said that, there are boundaries. Our freedom of expressing may be confrontational or unconventional or challenging to others; however, as long as it harms none. Because as soon as we use our expressing to harm others - we are curtailing their freedom. And, often, expressing from our places of insecurity and fear rather than one of healing, evolving and our own freedom.

Genuinely connecting is about having enough interest to be open to considering what the other has to express, to learn and potentially evolve your own perspectives. Whilst also feeling that your perspectives are welcome in fully expressing where you are coming from too because the other also wants to learn and expand.

That is freedom - for all.

On this basis I have reflected on my professional journey to date. And have come to understand that once I moved into the private sector as a management consultant my freedom was increasingly curtailed. I learnt to stop expressing even my expertise, let alone any other areas of who I am. It was a rude shock in my 30s to discover that when one is recruited for one’s expertise, experience and point of view by behemoth corporates what that translates into is … ‘but only in this way and as long as it aligns with how we expect things to be done and as long as it is focused on meeting our randomly selected target numbers’.

At conscious levels I recognised this and struggled against it, within the context of these behemoth corporates. However, it was only when I chose to step outside of that sphere that I became deeply aware of how these wounds, these constraints to freely express, this diminishing of Self had seeped into all aspects of my life-ing. Even now, freely expressing my Self is challenging for me to do. I may hesitate or find my Self concerned as to how my experiences or insights may be perceived by others.

I have no interest in others proving me wrong and nor do I want to prove them wrong. Because my experience as a global traveller and citizen of our world is that there is no one way to define what is right or what is wrong. There is no fixed way of living life or co-creating healthy relationships. There is no one path of spiritual connecting or experiencing fulfilment.

It may not feel like it, but we are in amazing times to be alive. We are shaking off the shackles that 5000 odd years of patriarchal energy has imprisoned every life form within. And we are birthing where our world will evolve within the energy of unity. A way of life-ing that is the unifying of healthy feminine and masculine energies. A space where malleable boundaries are co-created that enable equity of opportunity and where what is ‘normal’ is the celebrating of all diverse contributions to collective pathways for sustainable life-ing. No individual or group is considered superior or inferior, all are valued for who they are rather than what they do.

I am unsurprised with the horrors happening in many parts of our world now. The minority who have found the patriarchy to their liking, allowing them to lord it over others and to amass destructive wealth are fighting to retain all of that by distilling fear based ‘truths’, destroying hard won freedoms and creating division based on ‘us’ versus ‘them’ rhetoric. None of which has suddenly sprung out of nowhere in the last decade. What we are experiencing now is a backlash that has been building since the early 1900s.

And despite over 100 years of those who deem themselves to be ‘in power’ attempting to ‘keep us all in our place’, more and more people are stepping into their own sovereignty and expressing them Selves freely. In ways that challenge the status quo by redefining success, (re)finding newly flowing connections, opening up new pathways for experiencing life-ing in ways that are sustainable for all of our planet, galaxy, universe. The systems and structures that we have been told keep us all safe, give us our rights, allow us a voice are increasingly being questioned. People are awakening - again - to realising that the ‘democracy’ they are within still leaves them voiceless. They feel trapped, unheard and unvalued. And want deep abiding change that allows them to express their own power and majesty.

Transitioning from one energy to another happens over time and is messy. There is confusion, anger, hurt, lashing out, disbelief and desperate clinging on to polarisation. There are deepening divides that require acknowledgement of responsibility, mutual restitution, reconciliation and healing between peoples to be able to move forward. All of which is happening across the world too. Just with less fanfare as the focus is on genuinely connecting to learn, co-create and evolve together through our diversity. All voices are welcome, where they harm none. Through wide ranging perspectives we are learning and we are finding what our own freedom feels like.

And I am slowly expressing my Self more. As I embody my design whose purpose and the culture I am here to create is that of pure potent power I am sharing my voice laying waymarkers that others may choose as guides for their own paths. It is through cultivating inner strength, faith in everything working together for the good of all, and flow of empowering individual sovereignty that will make the co-creating of our visions reality.

How many times in my life has someone said to me: ‘If you could have one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?’ or ‘What is your favourite book?’ or ‘What is your specialism?’ or ‘When are you going to choose one and settle down?’ … Suffice it to say I’d be a billionaire if I had been given a $ each time someone did. It’s energy depleting having these old-fashioned societal norms applied through, often, well-meaning questions.

As a person with multiple passions, frequently changing where I live, my career pathways and my interests, I need variety in my life to thrive. Any time I find my Self in a space of same same same, I soon become bored and frustrated. And yet, I have also noticed that there are times when I have all the variety anyone could hope for and yet can’t make a choice, I freeze. I grappled with this, what was going on? Was I placing constraint on my Self or trying to fit into so called ‘normative’ boxes? Where was my freedom in these freezing moments?

Often when reading something the writer has shared or a character has experienced has sparked a light within me. At other times a spark has been fanned into flame through experiences shared with my mentors.

In this case, I was mid way through a week of learning with a man who made the neurons in my head brain race to keep up with him. I had relaxed into allowing all that he was sharing to flow through me, rather than trying to ‘understand’ I knew that deep within my body was taking in what was ‘Self’ and discarding what was ‘Not Self’.

And in this state of flow I heard Grant Soosalu say:

“We need requisite choice to thrive. And for us to have that requisite choice, we must first have requisite variety. And what I mean by that, is to have just the right amount of variety to find making a choice easy.”

Suddenly I was deeply focused on him as this statement hit me between the eyes.

And now I grasped what was going on in those times of freeze. Because even where variety is my spice of life … it needs to be requisite. And my capacity for variety may be a lot more than other peoples and it may be less than some; but for me to make a requisite choice that allows me to feel free, I first need my requisite variety.

A-HA!

In my lifetime we have:

• Progressed from having news only through the radio and printed newspapers, to have 3 channels on TV, to having multitudes of channels providing insights from around the world alongside almost real-time feed of ‘news’ via the internet.

• Moved from there being clearly defined professions and roles for working-career development, through to ever-changing revenue generating opportunities.

• Diversified from making do with what we had already, to locally sourced goods available across a variety of retailers, to seemingly endless choice via online shopping.

• Evolved from multi-generational families into nuclear families into blended families into found families.

• Expanded from having holidays being a visit to family/close friends who lived somewhere else in your own geography/country to travelling all over the world and blending vacation time with digital nomading.

There is so much choice that even those of us with breadth and depth of capacity for diverse variety in our lives face overwhelm. Setting boundaries as to what requisite variety looks like for me in any given context has freed me up to, once again, easily make choices that align with who I am.

And this need for requisite variety applies in all aspects of life. Including how many connections we have that are genuinely meaningful in our lives. According to research initiated by Robin Dunbar (and reinforced by others from across the fields of history, anthropology, psychology) human becomings capacity for those who matter to us on a daily-weekly-monthly basis is around 150. Which feels like a lot, even for me. Until one delves a little deeper:

According to the theory, the tightest circle has just five people – loved ones. That’s followed by successive layers of 15 (good friends), 50 (friends), 150 (meaningful contacts), 500 (acquaintances) and 1500 (people you can recognise). People migrate in and out of these layers, but the idea is that space has to be carved out for any new entrants.

And I recall times when my community felt about right, when these numbers had no stress on them. When I was easily able to choose who was within as the requisite variety existed easily.

And yet over the last 15 years of so, I have observed the pressure that one is only truly ‘seen’ or ‘important’ or will ‘have an impact’ when one has 10s of thousands of connections. Science says, as does lived experiencing, that this is false news. And learning that was a huge relief for me.

Yes, I have connections across time and space that potentially number in the multiple thousands. And, although at one point in my life, many may have been within the meaningful contacts 150 - I move on. I move across the world, I move homes, I move social interests, I move jobs, I move industries, I move professional pathways. And so, I have learnt to hold on lightly rather than tightly to people in my life. To truly appreciate them in my now. And to ignore any counting or other people’s constraints as to who and why people ‘should’ be meaningful to me.

I feel free to do this, knowing that my 150 - my community - is fluid. And that when I focus on my now and the people within my now, then I have the requisite variety to make my requisite choices about who is in my 5, 15, 50 as well. And thus I belong. And am embodying freelonging.