I was recently chatting with one of my best friends and getting her up to speed since her trip back from the Amalfi Coast. I spilled the tea on some crazy a** drama that I truly can’t get into, but long story short, I was quick and strict enough to set a boundary and cut a connection off. Sigh. It happens to the best of us; it happens to some of us, or sh*t, it may just be a common canon experience reserved just for me. But what she said next struck me with a few simple words: “I’m proud of you for closing the energy leaks.” I felt that, and it was true because I was proud of myself too. I don’t play about me. My energy is priceless, and I valued it way too much to let anyone or anything get access to me. But rest assured, I wasn’t always this way.

In my twenties, I was broken and boundarieless. In between family, lovers, friends, and clients, my energy was leaking all over the place, and my account was in overdraft. I mean, how else could I become a rich b*ch if I was energetically broke? I was too available, too accessible, and I gave it all away for free. Unspoken conversations, the boundary I didn’t set, the burnout, petty drama, the constant doomscrolling and comparison analyses were taking a toll on my mental health, and I was paying for it plus tax. My feelings of resentment, anxiety, disappointment, confusion, and overwhelm showed up in my body and external reality, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a canon experience.

Like many others, we were conditioned to focus on surviving over thriving, placing our energy into the same things that coincidentally were draining us. Whether we’re balancing motherhood, being the oldest, or busy trying to break generational curses, we live in a C.R.E.A.M. conditioned society that puts money first and mental health second. We were taught to protect our time, our partners, and our paychecks, but what about preserving your energy? It’s inevitable to avoid the expenses of daily life, and some of us are even spending unconsciously — so instead, may I suggest making your energy expensive? They say your energy is spent on what you pay attention to — and your energy is currency, so make it expensive as f*ck. The energy we spend on keeping score could be spent on creating more, money that is. So let’s dive into how to make yourself your biggest asset instead of your biggest liability.

where you pay attention is where you spend your energy

You pay for everything in energy; so where is yours going? Growing up in the Concrete Jungle, I was always on the go. The City of Dreams to many but hustle and grind to plenty, New York is the place where people go to make it, and some who even fake it. To quote Frank Sinatra, “If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere...”, but being born and bred, I had no other choice. My routine felt second nature — wake up, jump in the shower, rush out of the house, run for the train, sit at my desk for eight painful hours, spend $40 on overly priced breakfasts and lunches, get back on the train, go to sleep, and do the same thing over again with the occasional drunken dinner dates with ex-lovers and friends. By the time I got fired from my job, I went from full-time freelancer to full-blown founder, and more money turned into more problems. Whereas I thought I’d find freedom and solace as an entrepreneur, it evolved into sleepless days and nights as I plunged into the world of “girl boss”. Paying for the upkeep of a studio, an office, a team, bills, relationships, and the list went on.

I was also booked and busy. A simple email could send me into a spiral, and unpaid invoices launched my body into survival mode. I knew deep down inside, despite having my own freedom and creating what I thought was my dream job, this was not it. This couldn’t be the life I was sacrificing for, the life I was building consciously and subconsciously. I was chained to my laptop and enslaved to my algorithm, my energy imprisoned in little grids of my highlights and not the sadness beneath my smile. My cup was empty because my energy was leaking all over. I remember at the height of COVID one of my teammates at my agency recommended Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing The Uncommon by Dr. Joe Dispenza.

As human beings, we have about 71,000 thoughts per day, and where you pay attention is where you spend your energy. The past, the future, enemies, children, work, pain, pleasure, media, and so much more hold weight in our inner worlds. In Becoming Supernatural, Dispenza states, “Every person, object, thing, place, or situation has a neurological network assigned to it in our brain and an emotional component connected to it because we’ve experienced all these things. This is how our energy becomes bonded to our past and present reality. Therefore, as you place your attention on all these elements, your energy is flowing away from you, and it leaves little energy in your inner world of thoughts and feelings to create something new in your life”.[1] While I won’t get into the mechanics of neuroplasticity in this essay (I will in another), I touched on the challenges of quantum leaping in You Can’t Have the Life You Want When Your Brain is Stuck in Survival Mode.

In survival mode or when your body senses a threat, your autonomic nervous system kicks into action and activates your sympathetic nervous system, which you know as fight-or-flight. Your next move is informed by your rolodex of memories and feelings from the past to help provide context in the moment. Whether the threat is major or minor, like an email, a job that works you to the bone, or a stressful situationship that keeps you guessing, your body keeps the score. And when your body is constantly using its energy and resources to survive, there is very little left to create something new. A new experience, a new opportunity, or even a new relationship. You spend it when you say yes when you really want to say no, when you ruminate on the past, when you ignore your needs, and when you play the background character in your life.

Your parasympathetic nervous system, known as your rest and digest function, activates when your nervous system is regulated. It’s where you experience calm, release, peace, and solace. Where you’re able to make intentional decisions, de-stress, and bring your body back to balance, which is why we feel good after decompressing, like when we're working out, journaling, deep breathing, meditating, stretching, or, hell, even crying. I finally understand why they say to make your anger expensive. While we can’t always control our external environment, we have the power to shift our inner narratives and the choices we make to influence our external realities and experiences. Our inside worlds can either complicate, co-exist, or co-create our external worlds, and managing your energy is how you yield your personal power to get everything your heart desires. When it’s running on E, you feel burnt out, blocked, confused, misused, and depleted. When it’s filled to the brim, you’re beaming — walking through doors and walking into your wildest dreams.

the eight types of energetic currency

In its entirety, energy isn’t just physical. It’s also emotional, mental, spiritual, creative, and relational. It’s always moving; even if you can’t feel it, you can still read it in between the lines. It moves through our conversations, our content, trauma loops, patterns, childhood memories, dreams, fears, and feeds the stories that we tell ourselves. I’m pretty sure we know what it feels like when our energy is off, but at times it’s hard to identify the who, what, where, when, and how of what we’re exhausted from. In The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Loehr, Loehr claims, “Energy is more valuable than time because time is equal and finite for all, while energy can be expanded and renewed. High-performing and highly paid people excel not because they can manage time better but because they manage their energy effectively. They understand that producing quality and quantity comes from their energetic output, not time.” [2].

Loehr breaks down energy into four different categories of fuel performance that directly influence one another: physical (the quantity of our energy), emotional (the quality of our energy), mental (the focus of our energy), and spiritual (the force of our energy) [3]. However, upon further research, I realized that there is much more to the four. In Energy Budgeting: A Neurodivergent Approach to Thriving, Not Just Surviving, Kirby Michaelides AMHSW touches on eight different types of energy and how to refuel each one, which also include creative, social, sensory, and environmental energy [4]. Here’s an expanded version of what we’ll call the Eight Types of Energetic Currency, in addition to what expands (deposits) and extracts your energy (debts) based on Loehr and Michaelides' studies:

1. Physical Energy — Physical energy is the energy you have readily available to help your body function and perform optimally. Things like sleep, nutrition, hormones, stress, and movement can either enhance or deplete your physical energy, impacting your coordination, strength, stamina, dexterity, recovery, alertness, and vitality. When your physical energy is high, you move through the world with ease, and your to-do list feels less taxing. When it’s low, even the simplest tasks can feel exhausting.

   Deposits: Nutritious meals and healthy dieting, rest, stretching, exercise, sunlight, nature, and giving your body time to recover.

   Debts: Poor nutrition and dieting, chronic stress, dehydration, lack of sleep, inactivity, overworking, and pushing your body to extreme limits.

2. Emotional Energy — Your emotional energy is your ability to regulate, process, experience, and respond to emotions. It’s your emotional safe haven and affects how much emotional stress you can take before you feel stressed, overwhelmed, irritated, sad, or numb. Healthy emotional energy means you have the capacity to process difficult emotions and alchemize them to experience positive ones such as gratitude, joy, and peace.

   Deposits: Spending time doing things you love and with people who care about you, laughing, crying when you need to, giving yourself time and space to process your emotions, thinking best-case scenario, setting boundaries, journaling, creating, and speaking to someone you trust.

   Debts: Doing things you resent, letting people walk all over you, people-pleasing, emotional drama, constantly dealing with problems that aren’t yours, thinking worst-case scenario, and taking responsibility for managing other people’s emotions.

3. Mental Energy — Your mental energy is your brain’s capacity for processing information, thinking, concentrating, solving problems, and making decisions. Anytime you’re learning something challenging, focusing without distractions, or making intentional choices, you’re spending mental energy. When you’re tired, overwhelmed, or overstimulated, your mental energy may be maxed out.

   Deposits: Taking naps and breaks, getting adequate sleep, limiting screen time, pausing notifications, focusing on one task at a time, brain dumping, taking social media breaks, meditation, making intentional decisions, and spending time in quiet solitude.

   Debts: Not getting enough sleep, doomscrolling, working without breaks, being weighed down by decisions, constant notifications, stockpiling ideas instead of acting on them, inaction, procrastination, and never having alone time to hear your own thoughts.

4. Spiritual Energy — Spiritual energy refers to your faith, your sense of meaning, and connection to something bigger than yourself. It’s your values, your purpose, your customs and traditions. It can look like deepening your relationship with God or through ancient spiritual practices like meditation and yoga. Your spiritual energy asks you to go deeper and asks, “What are you living for, and who do you aspire to be?”

   Deposits: Prayer, meditation, yoga, spending time in nature, gratitude, stewardship and servitude, reflection, consuming spiritual literature, abiding by your values, spending time doing things that give you meaning, and walking in your purpose.

   Debts: Feeling disconnected or purposeless, confusion, rigidity, being judgmental, going against your values, isolation, apathy, and cynicism.

5. Social Energy — Social energy is the capacity you hold for connecting, communicating, engaging, and maintaining relationships with others. Despite different requirements, needs, and wants in our connections, your social energy simply is the container you hold for social interactions, including the ways they impact your wellbeing. Just like how you have friends that fill your cup, you also know who drains it.

   Deposits: Setting healthy boundaries, limiting interactions with draining people, spending quality time with people who see you and hear you, holding deep and intimate conversations, spending a healthy balance of time alone and with friends, and being a part of a community where you feel accepted and represented.

   Debts: Toxic relationships, unresolved drama, frenemies and fake friends, parasocial and superficial connections, people-pleasing, gossip, drama, seeking validation, not feeling seen or heard, loneliness, social anxiety, never being alone, and constant conflict.

6. Creative Energy — Your creative energy is the space you have to imagine, question, play, explore, experiment, and express yourself. It’s your ability to create something that didn’t exist before you came along. Creativity isn’t limited to arts and crafts but also expands to writing, problem-solving, storytelling, styling, designing, photography, music, and so much more. Creativity invites play and curiosity into your day-to-day, and requires freedom to explore and bring your ideas to life instead of being crippled by perfectionism and your fear of being seen.

   Deposits: Being curious, creating without the need for being perfect, trying new hobbies and experiences, visiting new places, breaking your routine, writing, drawing, journaling, reading fiction, playing, experimenting, cooking, listening to music, creating content and consuming healthy media.

   Debts: Fear of judgment, need for validation, perfectionism, consuming more than creating, self-criticism, comparing yourself to others, burnout, unprocessed emotions, and not acting on your ideas.

7. Sensory Energy — Sensory energy is your threshold for taking in and processing sensory stimulation from the world around you, not limited to sounds, smells, textures, movement, screens, physical sensations, and temperatures. It’s what you see, smell, touch, taste, and feel, both seen and unseen. Our brains are constantly processing information through our five (or six) senses, and when you’re overstimulated by your environment, you can be left feeling drained.

   Deposits: Stillness, quiet, soft lighting, comfortable clothing, spending time in nature, limiting screens, silencing notifications, delicious food, relaxing music, active rest, clean environments, and pleasant smells.

   Debts: Bright lights, crowds, loud sounds, constant notifications, excessive screen time, loud music, busy spaces, and uncomfortable clothing.

8. Environmental Energy — You are your environment, and your environmental energy refers to the quality of your external surroundings and their impact on your overall well-being [5]. It can either shrink you or help you thrive anywhere from your workplace to the confines of your bedroom. Feeling trapped, needing to escape, or not feeling at home are signs that your environmental energy may be in deficit.

   Deposits: Clean spaces, dopamine decor, aromatherapy, visiting museums and galleries, art, comfortable bedding, organization, visiting parks and beaches, flowers, and plants.

   Debts: Messy and disorganized spaces, environmental trash, noise pollution, clutter, broken objects, unused items, and old + unworn clothing.

become your biggest asset instead of your biggest liability

I mentioned the word capacity a few times, which in this case is our threshold or container for where we reserve our energy. Your energy is currency, so think of your capacity as your energetic bank account. It includes both your net worth and network, and holds your assets and liabilities. We track our finances, our likes, our due dates, and the progression of our relationships, but rarely do we keep track of where we spend our energy. Sometimes it’s spent consciously and other times it’s spent unconsciously. Just like how a financial budget shows where you’ve been spending money, your energy bank shows you where you’ve been paying attention. It shows where you’ve been, what you were doing, where you were doing it, how, and with whom. It indicates where your dollars went, the time spent, and who you were trying to impress, fix, or save.

When your energy is in overdraft, you function in survival mode, and when it’s abundant, you operate in rich b*tch energy. Just like your checking and savings, your energetic bank account houses your balance, deposits, expenses, debts, savings, and investments. Positive or negative, every interaction has a price tag, and whether you’re paying attention or not, it starts to add up. When you write checks that your a** can’t cash, you accumulate what’s called energetic debt. Energetic debt is the collective energy of what’s been left unsaid, unfinished, and unprocessed that you’ve been carrying underneath the surface. Depending on our balance, we either have the capacity to create or a limited capacity to do much of anything. But managing your energy can help you expand your balance by making investments, increasing deposits, minimizing expenses, eliminating debt, and accruing savings.

Let’s apply these terms in theory:

Energy Balance — The amount of energy your nervous system can safely handle. It’s your capacity, which can always be expanded and increased through deposits, investments, and savings, and can be depleted through debts and expenses if not properly managed.

Energy Deposits (+) — Deposits are things that naturally replenish and regulate your energy balance, like a full night of rest, spending time in nature, clean spaces, laughing with friends, reading, dancing, going for a walk, or indulging in peace and quiet.

Energy Investments (+) — Investments are activities that cost energy now but create more for later. They may feel draining or time-consuming at first, but they increase future capacity for the long haul. This can look like weight lifting, therapy, meditation, learning a new skill, setting boundaries, meal prepping, goal-planning, and budgeting.

Energy Savings (+) — Savings are the recovery and backup that you’ve saved up for a rainy day, like rest days, vacations, boundaries you can fall back on, and strong relationships that give you a boost and help you bounce back.

Energy Expenses (-) — Expenses are your necessary costs of living in daily life. They’re not good or bad but can feel overwhelming when they aren’t managed well. They look like chores, emails, meetings, parenting, commuting, interacting with co-workers and friends.

Energy Debts (-) — When your expenses accumulate and begin to get out of control, you collect liabilities known as debt. Energy debt compounds the same way as financial debt and can look like burnout, poor sleep, decision fatigue, doomscrolling, performing emotional labor, people-pleasing, ruminating, overgiving, overcommitting, chronic stress, unsettled emotions, or unresolved conflict. It’s imperative to tend to your debts as you actively increase your overall energy balance.

work in progress — practice managing your energy irl

On a high-level, reflect on the following:

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. Where does all of your energy go when you’re in conflict, overwhelmed, or anxious?

2. What drains you the most even when you’re doing the least?

3. What deposits replenish you the fastest?

4. If you looked at your energy as money, what would you stop spending it on?

GO DEEPER

Awareness is one thing, but taking action is another. Everything you do either earns energy, invests it, saves it, spends it, or creates debt. Taking inventory of where your energy is spent will tell you what investments need to be made, check on what you have saved, which deposits are incoming, and what’s keeping you in debt. If you’re looking for a little field work to go deeper, track the leaks, and create your very own energy balance sheet, upgrade your subscription to get access to activities, worksheets, and tools to manage your energy in real-time.

tips on making your energy unbothered and expensive af

My younger years put me through it, but I learned plenty of lessons along the way as I grew into womanhood, especially when it comes to making my energy expensive. There wasn’t a special ah-ha moment or sanctified epiphany either; one day it all clicked after being sick and tired of being sick and tired for far too long. I started by taking an intentional step away from everyone and everything so I could hear my own voice. The more I got to know myself, the more I got to love myself. And the more I loved myself, the more I valued how my time and energy were spent. As opposed to spending time doing what was expected of me, I spent time doing what invested in me. I paid attention to what brought returns, like working out for a stronger, sexier body and learning new skills to up my price and expertise. It was reflected in everything I did, from who I chose to interact with to the cost of my rates. I stopped taking on every project for money and instead took on the projects that I liked and kept my pockets and energy well paid.

I backed out of relationships that were a one-way street, ones that took more energy than they replenished. I stopped going with the flow and followed a game plan, and if it wasn’t on my schedule, it wasn’t happening. I stopped reacting so quickly and took my time to reflect before I responded. I started weight-training and took Pilates classes to release my emotions out of my mind through movement while getting sharper, stronger, and sexier. Being that the work is a constant work in progress, it never ends. Granted, life is a lot different in 2026 than it was in my twenties; my price has only continued to go up. I revoke access from anything or anyone who drains me without a thought because my sh*t is pretty pricey and I don’t have energy to waste, and if I’m not spending it consciously, it’s being saved, invested, or creating more for me. If you’re looking for practical tips to climb your way to rich b*tch status, here are my tried and true methods to make your energy expensive as f*ck.

1. Follow the “profit first method” to manage both your financial budget and your energy. One of my former clients turned friends changed my life by introducing me to the profit first method. The traditional GAP accounting method is as follows: revenue - expenses = profit. The profit first method reverses the formula as revenue -profit = expenses. Instead of dedicating all of your money to expenses, you set some aside for yourself and use the rest to pay for the expenses. The thing is, if your expenses end up being way over budget, your priority is to reduce them. Call your providers and negotiate rates, eliminate hidden subscriptions, and get those bills down and paid off. Doing this for a year increased my credit score, secured loans and credit cards, and brought me to a positive net worth and cash flow. Now, this same theory applies to your energy. More deposits, investments, bigger savings, and eliminating expenses and debts expand your energy balance as they would your financial budget.

2. If it takes longer than fifteen minutes to solve, move on and come back to it later.

   This is one of my favorite ways to preserve my energy, especially when I’m working on a project, writing, creating, or thinking of an idea. If you can’t figure it out in fifteen minutes, move on to something else. On too many occasions to count, I’ll move on from the fifteen-minute mark, complete another task, and that’s when it’ll hit me and boom — I solved my other problem too. It’s less like working in fragments and more like working on different corners of a puzzle to complete the entire picture. So, as opposed to keeping yourself stuck, keep going, check off the other tasks on your list, and come back to it later. You never know when inspiration or a new solution may hit you.

3. Stop f*cking with f*ck boys. You’ll be reminded every single time why you stopped f*cking with them in the first place. I’d rather be single, shining, and alone than be partnered, shrinking, and lonely. In my opinion, sex is one of the easiest ways to transact energy, and if great d*ck leaves me feeling more depleted after than before I came (pun intended), it’s later for that man. I only pay attention to men who invest in my energy and make daily deposits (pun intended, again). Anything else is a waste of my time and energy spent.

4. Stop making yourself available for everyone and everything. You don’t need to accept every invitation. I promise the club or that girl’s brunch isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and there’s nothing worse than being the person everyone expects to see at a party. Switch sh*t up and pop out once in a blue moon. You don’t always have to answer every single phone call that ends up in a five-hour therapy session. People value your energy more when they don’t always have access to it, and when they do, your presence is expected, not respected.

5. Make daily deposits through food and movement. I think of food as fuel, and fueling your body with nutritious meals that increase your energy keeps your mind and body intact and operating optimally. You already know how I feel about exercise and how releasing emotions requires motion, but aside from the physical and mental benefits of movement, treating your body like a temple by keeping it in tip-top shape is priceless when you look, move, flow, and feel like money.

6. Skill stack and learn something new. This not only upped my price tangibly, but learning new skills changed my life. When I was about 25, I took the leap and taught myself graphic design. I then went on to take free classes via General Assembly in coding and UX/UI design, and taught myself Adobe Suite hacks from YouTube University on the weekends. My new skills plus my AAS in marketing are what catapulted me into the life of a creative director. I went from having a background in operations and retail to building a portfolio from the skills that I stacked. This upped my value not only in my knowledge and utility but also in my creativity. The more skills I acquired, the more expertise I gained; bigger opportunities were available, and that alone helps you become richer financially and energetically. Take a class, a course, and learn something new to keep your mind fresh and fertile ground for growth.

7. Reset and regulate your nervous system regularly. The number one way to reset your nervous system is to do absolutely nothing. Think of your nervous system like a plant, and so spend your energy making daily deposits and investments that water it, like meditation, journaling, playing, spending time in silence or nature, moving your body, spending time with loved ones, getting plenty of sleep, and creating art. Keeping your nervous system regulated keeps you present, grounded, grateful, and open to possibilities in response to the rich energy you exude.

8. Set boundaries, find peace. Relationships are give and take and sometimes require sacrifice and inconvenience. Now I will show up for the people I love, but I will always choose myself first if the situation puts me last and without self-regard. I’m an avid subscriber to speaking up for myself, and if a line needs to be drawn, I will pull out a marker, especially if I care about the relationship. If it drains my energy, they have to go for my mental sake. I’m not shy about cutting anyone off if their presence sucks the life out of me rather than fills me up. If it goes against my non-negotiables, you’ve gotta go. Am I handing over the scissors, suggesting you cut everyone off? Absolutely not — but I do suggest taking note of the relationships that fill your cup and the ones that constantly extract from it. If you’re a recovering people-pleaser or need to brush up on setting boundaries, read Becoming a Bitch Will Save Your Life.

9. Keep your space clean and take care of your teeth. These two are easier said than done, and even I fall off from time to time, but let’s start with your space. I remember when I first started my business, I was locked in my bedroom and it was a mess. My little sister caught a glimpse of the wreckage and offered to come over to help me clean. Of course I declined, but she rebutted, “No, Britt, you don’t understand; your space is a direct reflection of your mind,” and I’m not going to lie, she ate with that. Cleanliness is next to godliness, and even Feng Shui says that a clean home paves the way for money and good energy to flow through. Sometimes, first thing in the morning, I set a timer for 15 mins and start cleaning. The physical task of organization makes it seamless to transition to doing it mentally with a brain dump. When everything has a home and a place to go, you spend less energy looking for things, more energy relaxing and creating, and most of all, it’s easier to leave the house on time.

   So far as keeping your teeth clean, your smile is your money-maker, and a beautiful one could warm even the iciest of hearts. I’m not saying to get a set of veneers, but take care of the teeth you have. If insurance alternatives are not in the cards right now, stick to a strict routine. I strongly recommend oil pulling with coconut oil to rid your mouth of any bacteria, followed by flossing (with floss + a water flosser as a bonus. Then brush with both a fluoride-free, whitening toothpaste and a nano-hydroxyapatite toothpaste to help remineralize teeth from enamel damage and prevent new cavities. Finish up with a mouthrinse, but I personally like hydrogen peroxide mixed with water. This won’t certainly replace dental care, but it will help establish a healthier baseline and routine. When you take pride in your home and your appearance, you feel rich, you look rich, and you smell rich.

10. Visit and track your energy. And I do mean often. Not in the obsessed way, but in a way where you naturally measure your energy spectrum after specific interactions and the action that needs to take place next. Does your energy feel depleted or replenished? Pay attention to which situations make you overthink, which require reflection, which require a boundary, and which need nourishing. Rather than waste your energy making assumptions or making up different scenarios, always divert the attention back to yourself and focus your energy on which investments bring in the most returns.

If you’ve made it all the way to the end, you did that ✨. As always, use these essays as study guides for your work in progress. In the next few essays, I’ll follow up with more brain science on how to shift your mindset to go from NPC to main character. As a part of the Main Character Mode series, paid subscribers will receive additional tools and content for guidance along the process. Your energy is precious, so be mindful of how you spend it.

xx,

B

Brittany Antoinette
Founder, Not So CEO

references

• [1] Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing The Uncommon by Dr. Joe Dispenza

• [2] The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Loehr

• [3] The 4 Dimensions of Energy: Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual by Darren C. Joe

• [4] Energy Budgeting: A Neurodivergent-Friendly Approach to Thriving, Not Just Surviving by Kirby Michaelides AMHSW

• [5] Environmental Wellness, University of North Dakota School of Medicine & Health Sciences

continued reading

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HALLE BERRY IN THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD, 2005

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you wanted to burn it all down to the ground? Like literally experience a shift in every single facet of your life, all at once? Rebrand? Completely start over? Trust me, if I could uproot my entire existence and move overseas, I would in a heartbeat (hey, maybe I’m just manifesting it out loud). What I’m saying is that I’ve been there too — hell, I’m there right now. Lately, I’ve been having this burning desire to shoot for the stars somewhere in between where ambition and peace meet, with knowing what I now know. I know I don’t want to kill myself to get there, but I will have to make sacrifices. I know I don’t want to have to sell out, but I will have to do the work to earn my wealth. I know don’t want to play small anymore, but I will also have to rest. Every single domain of your life can influence another, and they do a dance based on how well you perform in the other.

For me, I’m trying to find my happy medium, which will of course require some checks and balances. I’m currently in a season of shift, and if you want different, then you need to do things differently, right? I want to be the big change that happens instead of waiting for change to happen, and if you’re a main character in your own life like myself, you understand the frustration that comes with feeling like life is happening to you and not for you. The good thing is that it’s not hard to get back to that magic where it feels like you’re gliding through every door and having the balls to kick some down. The place where ideas feel abundant, and action feels accessible. In You Can’t Have the Life You Want When Your Brain is Stuck in Survival Mode, I talked about how chronic stress complicates quantum leaping and keeps you from living your dream life, and how nervous system regulation can help you thrive instead of just survive.

A regulated nervous system helps you choose better — therefore, you do better. It doesn’t have to be a strict ten-step morning routine, but it can be as simple as being aware of stressful moments. It could be deep breathing your way back to balance to help you remember who the f*ck you are and where you plan to be. When your eyes stay on the prize, it takes a lot more than petty interactions or temporary problems to ruin your vision, let alone your day. My godmother once taught me, “If it’s not going to matter in five years, don’t worry about it for more than five minutes.” Yet some of us are still burdened with the past problems of yesteryear and anxiously awaiting tomorrow. Because the past is gone and the future doesn’t exist yet, change can only occur right now in the present. Again, you’re not broken, blocked, or stuck; you simply need to choose better to do better.

If you’re in a place where you want to pivot, start over, or need a change, consider starting with a life assessment. As an always in-deep-thought daughter, every once in a blue or whenever I get the itch to rebrand my entire life, I like to start with filtering through every domain and taking inventory of everything. A life assessment is an audit that evaluates the growth, gaps, what’s working, and what’s not in the different sectors of your life. It helps you gain clarity on where you are today, identify the distance between your current reality and the life you desire, prioritize what deserves your time and energy, and track your progress over time so that your decisions are intentionally guided, as opposed to what feels urgent in real time. By the end of this exercise, you’ll complete your very own life assessment to connect the dots between life domains and their relationship performance and gain clarity on how to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

getting a bird's-eye view on your life and everything in it

Trying to change overnight can feel scary, let alone trying to make over your entire life. Maybe you don’t know where to begin, or maybe you’re tired of trying to figure sh*t out. Maybe it’s because we’re trying to do everything at once instead of glancing at everything at once. The Domains of Daily Life help you acquire a bird’s-eye view of the twelve main sectors of your life. Each section covers a general area of our day-to-day, and segmentation can help identify where you need more opportunity, audacity, devotion, reciprocity, or peace.

THE DOMAINS OF DAILY LIFE

Work & Career — Work doesn’t feel like work when we do what we love instead of what we hate. Work feels fulfilling when we work in alignment with our purpose and can feel daunting, leaving us to question “why” when we don’t.

Family — Whether big, small, blood, or from another mother, your family is the foundation of most traditions, beliefs, and customs you’ve adopted. It can be one of the most influential dynamics throughout your life, shaping the way you see yourself, others, and the world.

Romance — Is it scorching hot in the love department or ice cold? We all need a little tenderness regarding ourselves or our significant others. Whether you’re single, dating, or coupled up, the question here says, “What does love look like to me and how does it show itself in this relationship?”

Money — Depending on whose telling it, money can either be the root of all evil or the motivation for our pursuit of financial freedom. It gives us access to resources, our basic needs, and pleasure. It affords us opportunities for growth, and with it the window for opportunities widens. Our financial status can either make or break our biggest asset — ourselves.

Hobbies & Leisure — Having a hobby or a pastime helps us invite joy into our lives and allows us to develop our skills more, foster new relationships, provide structure, and assist with decompressing from stress.

Friends & Community — From social butterflies to introverted wallflowers, our friendships and community can make life fun or a living soap opera. Regardless, you deserve a reciprocal system of support that sustains you and doesn’t drain you.

Personal Growth — Personal growth is all about becoming better than you used to be. It looks like self-awareness, reflection, and evolving to the best version of yourself always in all ways.

Habits & Routines — A habit is a behavior repeated regularly. Good and bad habits can either help us get closer to our life goals or further away through consistency and follow-through.

Skills & Talents — Recognizing your skills and talents allows room for identifying your strengths and interests. It can help you determine where you can level up and help you stand out from the crowd both personally and professionally.

Physical Health — When was the last time you scheduled that doctor’s appointment or stretched your tight muscles? Physical health is the condition of your body and involves self-care, sleeping well, eating well, being physically active, having good hygiene, and taking time to rest.

Mental/Emotional Health — Mental health includes your emotional, psychological, and social well-being and affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make healthy choices. Emotional health is a subset or aspect of mental health and refers to your ability to cope with both positive and negative emotions, including your awareness of them in healthy ways.

Spirituality — Spirituality is considered a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves. It typically involves searching for meaning in life or connecting to a higher source of power rooted in faith, from organized religion to traditional spiritual practices.

Some areas in your life may take precedence over others, and some are even interconnected. However, when they’re out of balance, it can throw you off course and detour your plans altogether. Together, each domain unites to help you see the bigger picture. When you’re able to see your life at a glance, it feels less overwhelming and impossible to create change. A life assessment is just that, and we’ll complete yours at your own pace (I’d recommend setting aside 60-90 minutes for the assessment). The following exercise contains two activities to help you identify the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

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Is this a safe space? To keep it a stack with you, I cringe whenever I hear the same toxic positivity bullshi*t that tells you to visualize your dream life to change your circumstances. It’s a little too vague and open-ended for my taste, and the allure from the spiritual woo-woo never wooed me. When you have present problems, bills that are due, debt you can’t ignore, and a job that sucks the life out of you, it’s hard to think about anything other than what’s in front of you, let alone give a f*ck about the future. It’s nearly impossible to quantum leap and manifest your way into your dream life when your brain and body are chronically stressed out from your current reality. While the saying, if you can see it, you can achieve it rings true, what happens when your vision gets blurry because of your hyperfixation on a future that hasn’t occurred yet or a past you haven’t gotten over?

It’s normal for humans to feel stressed in stressful situations, but it’s not normal for your body to feel like it’s constantly in danger around the clock. Like a Slack notification giving you anxiety every time you hear a ping, watching the news, or your heart dropping every time that trauma-dumping friend rings your line. Manifestation isn’t a creativity issue; it’s a safety issue. But what if, instead of visualizing the future you want, you trained your nervous system to believe that you’re safe enough to receive it? Vision boards aside, you can’t have the life you want when your brain is stuck in survival mode. So let’s start things off by learning why it’s hard to manifest while your body believes it’s in danger and how to use nervous system regulation to switch from survival mode into main character mode.

the science behind what’s happening when your brain is stuck in survival mode

Being chased by a pitbull must feel scary, terrifying even, so you run, or you might hide, or you may even stand still in fear. Your body tenses up, adrenaline is pumping, and your mind is reading the room for what comes next. It’s likely your past experiences and feelings predetermined your response. Suddenly, the pitbull gets distracted, and its attention gets diverted by a stray cat. Now that your brain registers that you’re no longer being chased, your muscles loosen, you feel more relaxed, and your body returns to a state of homeostasis. It would totally make sense that your stress signals activate in the face of danger, but what happens when your mind starts perceiving threats even when there’s no real hazard ahead?

In Becoming Supernatural, Dr. Joe Dispenza quotes, “Living in stress is living in survival mode” [1]. Rent is sky high, the cost of living is going up, we can’t even eat leafy greens and strawberries because when you look outside or turn on the news, the world’s on fire. Whether you’re worried about making ends meet or making an impossible deadline, we are living under incredible amounts of stress on a day-to-day basis. Lucky for us, we’re not doomed; it’s just literally mind over matter. The more you understand how your brain works, the easier it’ll be to manage your emotions and experiences. There are three parts of the brain that work together to shift you into survival mode: the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex, and the autonomic nervous system, the star of the show. In my essay, Becoming a Bitch Will Save Your Life, I introduced the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex, and their key functions.

The amygdala is your brain’s body guard that detects threats, and your prefrontal cortex is the CEO who makes decisions. Now, before the prefrontal cortex decides what's the next best move, the autonomic nervous system kicks into action. Think of your autonomic nervous system as the first responders that pull up to the scene and manage the chaos. It connects your brain to your internal organs and breaks down into two major subsystems: your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. If you know anything about fight or flight, you’re already a little familiar with the sympathetic nervous system, which is survival mode (we’ll get into more of that in the next section). Your parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is responsible for your body’s ability to rest, recover, digest, and connect. It’s what happens after your body calms down after a traumatic experience.

The keyword here is traumatic, and trauma is solely subjective to those who’ve lived through it. But what remains objective is the evident stress, the burnout, the instability, and before you know it, your brain begins to treat ordinary everyday life like an emergency because your amygdala is always detecting danger, and your autonomic nervous system reacts. The prefrontal cortex, the CEO, becomes less effective when it’s stuck in survival mode, making it harder to make plans, focus, regulate your emotions, solve problems, think critically, and make intentional decisions. A dwindling bank account, never-ending bills, a toxic frenemy, a difficult manager, a client that always has a crisis, or things that are completely out of your control rely on your autonomic nervous system’s ability to take action. However, it’s not about how you respond to stress; it’s about how well you choose to respond.

chronic stress is keeping you from quantum leaping

Your discipline isn’t keeping you from quantum leaping — it’s chronic stress. Hear me out: while I truly do believe that you can create the dream life you want, I just don’t believe it’s an easy task to do when you’re stressed the f*ck out. Chronic stress keeps you in the past or too far in the future, so it’s hard to stay present. Instead, you’re focused on surviving today instead of creating tomorrow. When your brain’s stuck in survival mode, your brain chooses safety over long-term growth, limiting your ability to quantum leap because you’re only able to visualize what’s in front of you and not the possibilities ahead of you. Your precious time and energy are dedicated to detecting the danger around the corner instead of creativity, learning, strategic thinking, problem solving, relaxation, taking calculated risks, and finding magic in the mundane.

That’s why it feels hard to pursue your dreams, crush a goal, or step into the version of your highest self, not because you’re unlucky — but because your brain prioritizes keeping you safe, which in some cases can feel like being stuck. Now that we have a basic understanding of the science behind what’s happening when your brain is stuck in survival mode, let’s break down the sympathetic nervous system’s survival responses. The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for your body’s involuntary automatic functions, like breathing, your blood pressure, your heart rate, digestion, and sweating. More importantly, it springs into action after your brain senses a threat during stressful situations to help you get out of danger, especially in situations that require you to think or act quickly. Remember fight-or-flight? Those are two out of the five responses that we’ll go over and the ways they show up in everyday life.

Fight

When you feel like you can physically overpower the threat, you’re operating in fight mode. It suggests that you stay and tough it out because you refuse to back down from a showdown. Even if the threat isn’t physical, the fight response can span across emotional, social, or psychological contexts. It says “I have to protect myself”, “I can’t let this happen”, and “I need to take control or else I’ll lose”. Behavior-wise, it looks like being argumentative or defensive, always snapping at loved ones, trying to control people or situations, or becoming hypercritical of yourself or others. In the body, it feels like a tense jaw, clenched teeth, and/or fists, muscle tension, and a racing heart.

Here’s how it looks IRL:

• Work — You get defensive when receiving feedback and feel like it’s your way or the highway. You outwork yourself to stay in control, sometimes to the point of micromanaging your teammates. Instead of viewing your peers as collaborators, you see them as competition, and you’re focused on coming out on top.

• Money — You’re a little too obsessed with being in financial control. You struggle with delegating, let alone asking for help. You stress about every dollar going out, and every dollar coming in, so you make fear-based financial decisions.

• Boundaries — You’re too strict, and your rigid boundaries are walls instead of healthy limits. You often assume everyone is trying to take advantage of you, and most times, you can’t tell the difference between being aggressive and being assertive.

• Relationships — Any little thing pisses you off, and you’re easily irritated. Sometimes, you’ll even start an argument for the plot, just so you don’t feel rejected. You need to win, too, because you’d rather be right than happy. You need to feel in control in your relationships, be it the outcome or the person you’re with.

• Creativity — You’re a perfectionist because you’re scared, and if your work doesn’t see the light of day, it’s because you’re always picking it apart. You’re your biggest bully, either constantly criticizing your work or feeling like it’s not good enough to share.

Flight

If you refuse to fight because the threat may just take you out, avoiding the danger by running away is operating in flight mode. Allegorically, running away or escaping can equate to keeping yourself busy or avoiding uncomfortable situations. It says “I can’t deal with this”, “I’ll put this off for later”, or “If I stay busy, I’ll forget about it”. It looks like procrastination, avoiding conflict, leaving relationships prematurely, overworking, binge-watching, constant productivity, and always planning the next best thing instead of being present. In the body, it feels like restlessness, shallow breathing, always feeling anxious or on edge, and a hard time keeping still.

Here’s how it looks IRL:

• Work — If you’re not jumping between projects, you’re constantly checking your email and Slack notifications. It’s difficult for you to slow down, despite your need for constant productivity, and it's a cover-up for staying busy to avoid the work you should be prioritizing.

• Money — Money feels foreign to you because you avoid looking at your bank statements. You have no clue how to manage your money, let alone your budget, so you ignore the bills piling up on your nightstand. To make yourself feel better for the moment, you impulse shop. You’re always onto the latest new way to make money because you don’t give things enough time to see if they stick.

• Boundaries — Instead of dealing with it right now, you tell yourself, “I’ll deal with it later,” to avoid uncomfortable conversations and ghost instead of communicating.

• Relationships — You avoid tough talks like the plague because you prefer to avoid potential problems. Just when you two get closer, you pull away and pull out of relationships before you’re able to form something solid. You’re emotionally unavailable, and you end the relationships instead of working through conflict.

• Creativity — You have hundreds of new ideas, but you have even more unfinished projects. You’re always waiting for the perfect time to launch or the perfect time to share instead of just pressing post. You’re always planning the next best thing instead of existing in the present. You’re always excessively doomscrolling or escaping through guilty pleasures to avoid completing something, anything.

Freeze

When fighting or taking flight doesn’t feel like an option, your nervous system may shift into freeze mode. When you freeze, you feel stuck until the threat is cleared, despite wanting to move forward. It says “I don’t know what to do”, “I can’t think”, or “I’m overwhelmed”. It looks like decision paralysis, difficulty starting tasks, doomscrolling, and staring at screens for long periods of time. In the body, it feels like heavy limbs, low energy, brain fog, numbness, and difficulty feeling focused.

Here’s how it looks IRL:

• Work — You either know what needs to get done but don’t take initiative, or you procrastinate when you’re unclear. You feel overwhelmed even with the simplest tasks and stare at your to-do lists without doing anything to follow up. At times, you have a hard time making decisions, so you drop the ball to feel a sense of relief.

• Money — You have no qualms or concerns about your finances because you ignore them altogether, including making financial decisions. You feel paralyzed whenever money issues arise, leading you to do nothing, if anything at all.

• Boundaries — You don’t speak up when someone crosses a boundary, so you stay silent to keep the peace while resentment builds up on the back end.

• Relationships — You shut down in the middle of conflict and withdraw from situations emotionally. You struggle to express your needs, and lie and say you’re fine even when you’re not.

• Creativity — You’re constantly combating creative blocks, and your inspiration is flighty. You need to feel motivated to start anything, and sometimes, when you feel like you’re actually ready, your mind goes blank.

Fawn

If you took a failed attempt at fight, flight, or freeze mode, and your goal is to stay safe by keeping other people happy, then you’ve entered fawn mode. When your brain believes that validation, compliance, or people pleasing can reduce danger, you’re fawning. It sounds like “As long as they’re happy, I’m fine.”, “I don’t want to upset them.”, or “It’s safer to say yes than no”. It looks like overapologizing, ignoring your own needs, always becoming the “fixer” in a situation, overexplaining yourself, never saying no, and/or seeking excessive reassurance. In your body, you may feel tightness in the chest, anxiety when it’s time to set a boundary, or feel guilty when you choose yourself first.

Here’s how it looks IRL:

• Work — You struggle to say no, and you have a habit of overcommitting to avoid disappointing people. It may also look like seeking validation from supervisors or taking on everyone else’s responsibilities.

• Money — You undercharge for your work because you have a hard time recognizing that you’re worth it. You may teeter between lending money you don’t have or spending it to gain approval or fit in.

• Boundaries — Your no’s end up sounding like a dissertation. You overexplain and apologize for having needs. Sometimes you feel guilty for protecting your time and energy.

• Relationships — You tend to be a people-pleaser, constantly prioritizing everyone’s needs over your own. You may have even lost yourself at times to keep the peace because you feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions.

• Creativity — You create what everyone else wants rather than what you believe in, so you edit your voice to avoid criticism. You’re a member of comparaholics anonymous by comparing yourself to others or seeking constant approval before sharing your work.

Flop

Although it’s not always considered a part of the four typical sympathetic nervous system responses, flop mode (collapse) happens when your nervous system shuts down to protect you and conserve your energy if it senses that fight or flight isn’t an option (in some cases, a licensed professional may be required to help) [2]. Unlike freezing, you don’t have intentions of taking action, so shutting down is your body’s way of keeping you safe. It sounds like “What’s the point?”, “Nothing I do matters.”, or “I give up”. It looks like withdrawing from life, bedrotting, avoiding responsibilities, burnout, isolation, and/or losing inspiration and motivation. In the body, it feels like chronic fatigue, being physically heavy, low energy, and emotional numbness.

Here’s how it looks IRL:

• Work — You call out of work because everything feels overwhelming and you can barely get through the day. It’s not even a lack of inspiration at this point; you feel completely disconnected from your work.

• Money — You feel hopeless about your financial future, so you give up on winning. You don’t have the energy to make an effort to pursue new opportunities, so it feels pointless to even try.

• Boundaries — You’re too exhausted to advocate for yourself. Instead, you let others make decisions for you because you don’t believe that your needs matter.

• Relationships — On the inside, you feel emotionally numb, so you isolate yourself and withdraw from everyone. Including the people who care about you most.

• Creativity — You lost interest in creating altogether, and you don’t feel much of anything these days. You believe that nothing you make matters, so you give up before you even begin.

Living in survival mode is something that your brain experiences and reflects in your reality. When you’re chronically stressed, it influences the way you work, the way you create, the way you love, the way you feel, the way you see, and the way you experience peace. It influences your values, your morals, and boundaries, even if it limits your potential. Please note that these survival responses are not indicative of who you are. You’re a human being who’s also a human feeling. These are ways we adapt — they’re our default settings, but they’re not defects. It’s just that at some point your nervous system developed them because it believed it was keeping you safe.

Not only that, we may go back and forth between the four responses, or five, at any given time spontaneously (I know I myself ping-pong with a few). However, the challenge is being able to tell the difference between life-and-death situations, a difficult conversation, constructive criticism, and complacency versus comfort. So in turn, your response can eventually shape your personality, your behavior, and your beliefs, even when the threat is long and gone. There’s no way to shut off your sympathetic nervous system responses, but you can regulate your way back to balance in whatever healthy way you wish to. But at some point, you’ll need to ask yourself,  “What the f*ck is my brain trying to protect me from?”

your dream life requires a regulated nervous system

You can’t dream, imagine, receive, or create while your body believes it’s in danger, and it’s hard to quantum leap when you’re not in the director’s seat of your decisions. Lucky for us, making our wildest dreams come true is possible, but only when our brains feel safe enough to manifest them. Because the body can become accustomed to operating in a state of hypervigilance, this is where the parasympathetic nervous system steps in. Whereas the sympathetic nervous system is your survival response, your parasympathetic nervous system’s job is to bring your body back to balance by helping you rest, recover, and rejuvenate after experiencing a threat. Otherwise known as the body’s rest-and-digest mode, the parasympathetic nervous system is made up of twelve cranial nerves, with the largest and primary being the vagus nerve that connects your brain to your heart, lungs, and digestive organs.

When the body no longer has to dedicate its resources to survival, your heart rate will slow down, your diaphragmatic breathing will deepen, digestion restarts, and your body slowly shifts into a more regulated state (I’d love to get into the mind and gut connection, but I'll have to save that for a different essay). Granted, while you can’t force yourself to relax, you can train your brain to activate your parasympathetic nervous system response through meditation, deep breathing, spending time in nature, mindful movement, and quality sleep to recharge and restore. Not only do these activities help you calm down, but a regulated nervous system makes space for possibility where healing, learning, creation, and imagination are within reach.

Aside from achieving a state of calm, nervous system regulation gives you the mental clarity to make choices rather than reactions. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey stated, “Look at the word responsibility—’response-ability’—the ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognize that responsibility. They do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior” [3]. Ultimately, regardless of what has happened in your past, you have the power to choose how you respond. Your decisions are a form of quantum leaping, taking you to new timelines just by doing things a little differently, and when your sense of safety expands, so does your capacity for creativity, intimacy, and risk-taking.

For some people it doesn’t always look like doing more; it can also look like doing a lot less…stressing, that is. Have you ever experienced a time when you stressed about something, and the moment you stopped thinking about it or forgot about it, a solution or opportunity magically appeared? I remember the times when I was down to my last dollar — the times I stressed, nothing changed. But the times I didn’t, I received random checks and opportunities to make more money. It feels like magic, or manifestation, but all it is is a regulated nervous system that knows that sometimes it’s best to stress less in order to receive more. Taking a cue from Mother Nature, some seasons are for planting seeds, some are meant for harvesting, some are meant for connecting, and others are meant for rest.

1. Cultivate a multi-sensory meditation practice. Whenever I’m feeling overstimulated or stressed, I focus on creating a multi-sensory experience when I meditate, which looks like involving two or more of the five senses. While yeah, deep breathing is great, it’s even better when you light an aromatic candle, sniff essential oils, or move your body intentionally. It can also look like taking your time while eating and identifying the scent, the taste, the texture, and the sound. Multi-sensory meditation works because it helps you slow down and achieve presence by going deeper and asking questions instead of getting distracted by impulsive thoughts.

2. Take your time doing things, and try doing them well every time. You don’t need to go fast; go slow and steady, especially when you’re in an emotional state. I learned this lesson through something as simple as my manicures. So I don’t break a nail, I'm extra cautious when I'm closing and opening things, like when I’m zipping zips or chopping produce. Rather than focusing on doing things fast, I try to focus on doing them well. This way I’m locked in and present to whatever task is on my plate, doing something to the best of my abilities, and getting better at it by always paying attention. This can also apply to taking your time to respond to people in moments of conflict or communication.

3. Go hug a tree. I know, I still can’t believe I even recommended this one, but it actually works. It was recommended to me by my godmother, and I was a bit hesitant at first. As a materialistic spiritual girly, on a random day you can find me in my backyard hugging the biggest tree when I’m feeling overwhelmed. The tears will literally start following as a form of release for me, and I have Mother Nature to thank for that. Funny enough, scientifically and historically, hugging trees has been shown to reduce stress, improve your mood, and promote relaxation. Don’t forget, trees inhale carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen, and humans exhale carbon dioxide and inhale oxygen. If you have access to a tree in your backyard or a park and you couldn't care less about how you look, go hug a tree if you’re feeling stressed the f*ck out.

4. Quickly shift to presence by focusing on your breathing and your posture. I’m one of those women who switches their hips when they walk. Aside from the fact that it opens up your hips and loosens up that sacral chakra, you’re more poised, put together, and present. When you’re focused on breathing and your posture, you barely have time for your mind to run wild because your attention is focused on your model walk.

5. EFT tapping to clear your energy. EFT tapping is one of those tools that after you learn how to do it, you never stop practicing. I wanted to save it for another essay, but I’ll do a quick mention here because it is one of my favorite ways to self-regulate. I did a podcast episode on it a few years ago with my girl Lotus in case you want to dig deeper. Essentially, EFT Tapping, or Emotional Freedom Technique, is a form of psychological acupressure that involves tapping on specific points on the body while focusing on particular issues or emotions. This practice helps release energy blockages and restore balance within the body by sending calming signals to the brain, helping to reduce the body’s stress response.

6. One affirmation to snap you back into your reality. You don’t need an entire list of affirmations to recite every single day. Just maybe one or two that you can remember with ease and say at any time, like in the shower or during a commute. Some of my favorites are, “I’m having the best day ever, and it just keeps getting better,” and “Thank you for always giving me things to be grateful for”. Even when I’m stressed the f*ck out, saying my one affirmation brings me back to the reality I’m creating for myself, and my brain seeks out confirmation in both small and big ways. Not only that, I ensure that my affirmations are gratitude-laced so I can attract more situations involving the feeling that I’m currently experiencing.

7. Move your body. I don’t care what you do or how you do it as long as it’s done safely, but move your body for the life of you, pun intended. Whether it’s weightlifting or Mat Pilates, stretching or shaking a** in front of the mirror, movement amplifies your mind, body, and heart connection; most of all, it’s great for managing your emotions. Whenever I’m upset, I take myself to the gym to weightlift. There’s just something so poetic about using your strength to lift the weight you're carrying. It grounds you, burns that energy off, and it also shows that you're capable of doing hard things. Aside from the mental benefits, I equally love doing it for the physical benefits as well; I mean, besides, who doesn’t want to look and feel hot, snatched, and sexy? Bonus Tip: If you have a hard time staying focused during meditation, move your body before you meditate. You’ll be too relaxed and tired to think.

8. Eat well-balanced meals. Well, you should have known this one was coming. Although I won’t yap about nutrients and the importance of minerals in the food you eat because you know that already, if anything, start with a full panel blood screening to see what you need to start getting more or less of. There is a mind-gut connection, but again, later. In addition to eating a well-balanced diet, I also like to meal prep my favorite things. If you’re a leftovers warrior like me, you understand the calm that comes with knowing that you always got food at home, especially when you’re always working out.

9. Get enough sleep. A diva needs her beauty rest, and sleep is the only thing that you lose but can never get back. Your body needs an ample amount of time to repair and recover to function properly, and sleep helps you regenerate.

10. Put everything in your calendar. When you’re well prepared and well aware of what’s on your agenda, you’re never taken by surprise. Long phone calls, events, gatherings, workouts, classes — log it all. Stay ready so you won’t need to get ready. Hence, why it’s important to get a good night’s rest with a decent bedtime to take on the day ahead. If it’s not on my calendar, it’s not happening.

1. When and where do I feel most in survival mode?

2. What feelings and emotions arise?

3. Which responses are in my default settings: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and/or flop?

4. What situations trigger me and make my body feel unsafe, even if there’s no real threat? Even when I’m technically okay?

5. How would I live and what would I do differently if I believed I was safe?

If you’ve made it to the end, congratulations on getting even hotter and smarter. In summation, chronic stress keeps you further away from the future you want by weighing you down with the problems of today. It’s tough out here for everyone, and we’re all going through it, myself included. But the beauty is in knowing that the life you want is right around the corner, as long as you can relax, relate, and release enough to receive it (you would’ve had to have watched A Different World to get that). Now that you know what happens when you’re stuck, next we’ll move on to figuring out what you want, how to budget your energy, and how to hardwire your brain for lasting change. As a part of the Main Character Mode series, paid subscribers will receive additional tools and content for guidance along the process.

xx,

B

Brittany Antoinette
Founder, Not So CEO

references

[1] Becoming Supernatural: How Common People are Doing the Uncommon by Joe Dispenza

[2] Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, Flop: Understanding the 5 Trauma Responses by Kirsten Noack

[3] The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey

In Becoming a Bitch Will Save Your Life, I broke down the psychology behind people pleasing, boundaries, and tips on how to set them. Some may find it difficult to establish boundaries if they don’t know what their values are, so in my last essay, If You Don’t Stand for Something You’ll Fall For Anything, I gave the tools and frameworks you need to develop your very own values system. This week, we’re taking things a step further by turning our thoughts into action. For anyone who's new to speaking up and laying down the law, setting boundaries can feel scary as f*ck because you’re usually worried about two things: how you’re received and how you’re perceived. While it’s impossible to control someone else’s reactions, you can control the way you decide to take action against what shrinks you, disappoints you, or drains you.

I remember reading How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie years ago and learned the art of “it’s not about what you say, it’s about how you say it,” and it can also apply to setting boundaries. I like to call it being “nice-nasty”. Now I’m not talking about being rude or obnoxious to get your way, I’m talking about being pleasant, detached, yet stern when it comes to standing on business. Before starting off any statement that expresses a boundary, I begin with a positive statement before shifting into declaring what I need and what will happen next. For example, say you need to email your clients about a price hike in your products or services, rather than flat-out starting your message with “On March 31st, you will see an increase in service…,” begin by mentioning how much you value their support and loyalty before disclosing the increase. This will usually apply to people that you want to keep in your life, such as close friends, family, or even clients.

However, this won’t always apply to all case examples. Other times, you may need to be clear, direct, and straight to the point without sugarcoating sh*t. Once upon a time, long ago, my throat would grow an invisible lump that I’d choke on anytime it came to expressing my true feelings about how someone hurt me. Fast forward to today, and I have no problem letting the chopper sing. Especially when it comes at the cost of protecting my peace. If you struggle with standing up for yourself, whether it’s at work or with that situationship, it’s not your fault — you just don’t have the language to express how you’re feeling yet. From late invoices to flaky friends to toxic family and emotionally unavailable lovers, here are 101 boundary scripts to help you say exactly what you need to say in order to stand your ground in nearly every aspect of your life.

a mini-review on boundary basics

Before we dive into scripts, let’s do a quick review of what a boundary is, what it’s not, and other jargon that’s just as necessary to know. A boundary is something that indicates or fixes a limit. Think of boundaries as personal guidelines we create to let ourselves and others know our needs, expectations, and capacity, but most of all, boundaries are about how you choose to respond. However, it’s important to understand the difference between boundaries, rules, requests, ultimatums, standards, and expectations. This video by Dr. Raquel Martin explains this clearly: A boundary defines your personal restrictions, such as ‘I will begin the project once the contract is signed’. ’ A rule controls someone else’s behavior and sounds like, ‘You need to sign the contract’.

Then we have requests and ultimatums, which also get confused for boundaries, so let’s clarify the distinction. A request is what you ask someone to do or not to do, and they can either accept it or reject it. It sounds like, ‘Can you sign the contract?’ An ultimatum forces someone to comply, and is usually followed up by a threat to control their behavior, such as ‘If you don’t sign the contract, I will forfeit the job’. A standard is about what you allow in your life, and your expectation is what you’re hoping others will do. So your standard would be that you surround yourself with dependable people, and your expectation would be that a person would always be self-aware. Remember — boundaries are for you, not for them. To learn more about the different kinds of boundaries, read my essay Becoming a Bitch Will Save Your Life. Without further ado, let’s begin.

101 boundary scripts to release your inner bitch and protect your peace

Disclaimer: Please note that this resource is for educational and personal development purposes only. It is not therapy, mental health treatment, or a substitute for professional advice. These tools are designed to help you reflect, create, grow, and cultivate a more meaningful relationship with our work, the world around us, and the people living in it.

1. Your client is late on payment

   Just checking in regarding Invoice #111. I totally understand that things happen. In order to manage projects consistently for all clients, all work remains paused until outstanding invoices are settled as per our agreement in section [enter clause section of agreement].

2. Being assigned work outside your role

   This request falls outside the responsibilities of my current role. I’d be happy to discuss reprioritizing my workload or revisiting my scope with my manager.

3. A client or coworker messaging you after work hours

   [Do not answer until the following morning.]

   I’m not available after work hours. If you need my assistance, be sure to connect with me before the end of the workday, not after.

4. A coworker taking credit for your ideas

   I want to be clear that this was my idea. Going forward, I expect my contributions to be accurately represented. If you continue to take credit for my work, I’ll address it directly with leadership.

5. Being interrupted in meetings

   Hey, I wasn’t finished speaking. If you have any questions or additional feedback, you’re free to express yourself after I’m done.

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ARTWORK BY FRITZ VON ERIC

*This post is too long for email, please view on the Substack app or desktop ✨

It’s a hot and sticky afternoon as I spend my Saturday typing away, still recovering from the aftereffects of not-sober birthday festivities a few weeks ago. My phone buzzed with texts and Facetimes on where I’m going to fete for the next forty-eight hours, but I decided to stay in and lock in on a few essays I wanted to write. Despite wanting toast and twerk over glasses, I stood on business, choosing the reality I want instead of right now, and it was a pretty easy decision. I’m not exactly where I want to be in my life, and I usually take that as my signal to go inward, which at times requires recentering my internal compass. Now, this isn’t to say that I’m a flakey friend; I’m pretty reliable, and I show up as a villager who pours back into her village on the regular. But when I’m tired, I will rest. When I have a deadline towards a bigger goal, it’s easy for me to skip out on brunch because I’m on a budget. Rather than drowning myself in FOMO, I get myself back on track by asking myself one question: Is what I'm prioritizing aligned with the person I'm becoming and the life I'm trying to build?

As people, we prioritize what's important to us, and if our lives aren’t reflecting the outcome we’re seeking, maybe it’s time to dig a little deeper to determine what motivates us closer to our vision versus what’s deterring us from achieving it. This isn’t to say that loved ones don’t matter or that money should be the sole source of living, but when you’re locked into unlocking the superhuman version of you, it requires sacrifice. Sometimes it’s to align with your goals, and sometimes it’s because you haven’t even questioned why you are (or aren’t) doing it in the first place. Like working at a job that you hate without a means to an end, putting off picking up that hobby, or not spending enough time with family. Whether it’s setting boundaries with yourself or setting boundaries with your client, things get foggy when your vision is blurred. Not standing on business can cost you a lot, and if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything — the image, the money, the facade, the fake friendships, or the romantic connections that leave you with less than what you came with.

I wrote all about the detrimental effects of a lack of boundaries in my last essay, Becoming a Bitch Will Save Your Life. Most people find it hard to set boundaries because they have no clue what their values are, but when you’re clear about your values, you experience more clarity about the life you truly desire. You make decisions quicker with conviction and confidence, and your future feels within reach because your thoughts turn into actions. In case you’re at a crossroads, and you’re trying to think of your next plot, pivot, or if you should just burn it all down, let’s start with your foundation. So, before you set any new goals or figure out where to begin with setting boundaries, continue reading to discover exactly what you need to get back in alignment and learn how to develop your own values system so you can stay true to you.

signs you’re not standing ten toes down on business

Your values are the core principles or beliefs that guide and influence your attitudes, behaviors, and decision-making. They represent what is important to you and serve as a foundation for your actions and interactions with others. They’re what motivate us, drive us, and inspire our quest, and amplify our sense of self-worth. However, it’s not only about what you value, but it’s also about the ethics and how it impacts you and the world around you, for a touch of social responsibility. Depending on where we center our energy, the way and how we go about taking action, or not, can lead to self-destructive behaviors or self-neglect if you’re not standing ten toes down on business. In case you’ve noticed that something's off and you can’t point to why, here are some signs that you may be experiencing a gap between the life you want and the life you’re currently experiencing.

Signs Your Values System Is Shaky

1. You don’t know your non-negotiables. Even worse, you don’t know your limits. You can’t verbalize what would make you walk away from an unhealthy relationship, job, or friendship because you’re unsure of your limits and boundaries until you’re pushed to extremes.

2. Your opinions are influenced by who’s around you. Your thoughts don’t belong to you because you’ve adopted the beliefs, interests, and priorities of those you hang around with most.

3. You admire confident and authentic people who speak up, yet you’re mute and don’t stand for anything yourself. You’re moved by people who move with conviction, yet you’re too scared to reveal who you truly are, let alone speak your truth.

4. You keep chasing goals you never actually chose. Your ambition doesn’t belong to you because it’s a byproduct of social media saves, societal expectations, and peer pressure from friends and/or family.

5. You don’t have a personal code. Sometimes you know what you want, but you have no clue who you want to be.

6. You entertain behavior that contradicts your beliefs. Your words and your actions don’t match.

7. You have trouble prioritizing. To you, everything feels equally important, and without values, you have no hierarchy for making decisions.

8. You are easily influenced by trends, status, or other people’s success. You’re easily swayed by what’s popular and often blindsided by bad behavior because you assume a higher social status comes with good character.

9. You don’t know why you believe what you believe. Your beliefs were handed down the same way your generational trauma was. You go with the flow, but you're never questioning why.

10. You’re unclear about the person you’re trying to become. Without an internal compass, life becomes a chain of reactions instead of intentional action.

    

If you said this is me more than once in any of these examples, I can promise you that you’re not doomed. There are times when our values are harmonized and times when they conflict, and in those moments, it’s important to tap into your internal GPS to help navigate back to your most authentic self. If you’re at a crossroads, everything starts and ends with your values because clarity doesn’t come from doing more; it comes from doing what matters most. Now, let’s stop talking about values in theory and start building a personal values system you can start using. We’re going to uncover your programming, map your beliefs, and turn it into a tool that you can use to make decisions in real time. After all, integrity looks sexy on you.

Together, we’ll walk through:

• What a solid values system should look like

• IRL archetypes and examples

• Reflection questions to identify patterns, frictions, trade-offs, truth, and your true identity

• Exercises and frameworks to define your core values and priorities

• The tool I use for ultimate alignment that changed my life

This isn’t meant to be complete overnight, so rather than treating it like homework, treat it like a practice, like a work in progress.

Class is in session, let’s begin.

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THIS POST IS TOO LONG FOR EMAIL — PLEASE VIEW ON THE SUBSTACK APP OR DESKTOP

Becoming the “villain” became the latest social trend across our timelines in recent times — an antithesis of the good-girl archetype that’s been embedded across cultures to keep women quiet, contained, and controlled. You don’t even have to scroll too long before you’ll find hundreds of thinkpieces and courses on how to become this majestic, bulletproof b*tch who gets her way after suffering at the hands of societal conditioning and the lies of fairytale endings. According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a villain is a cruel and malicious person who is involved in or devoted to wickedness or crime. There isn’t a plot without a villain, and every good story needs one, from literature to film. They play the part in opposition to the hero and typically act in their own interest without considering the cost or concern for others.

But when we look into their lore, like The Joker from Batman, there’s often pain and trauma at the forefront of their origin story, which is why some of us can relate to rooting for the underdog. Now I’m not saying all of us are the Joker, per se, but plenty of us have experienced some sort of trauma, which is at the core of our triggers and responses. Whether it’s saying yes when you truly want to say no or disrespecting your personal boundaries to make others happy, we sometimes act in the interest of the environment around us despite what our intuition is trying to tell us. But what if the only crime here was self-betrayal by prioritizing ourselves last?

I mean, no one wants to feel like a wimpy little b*tch in life, backing down from every challenge that arises, like a client asking you to meet an impossible deadline with limited resources, or your boss asking you to stay a little later after hours. Self-neglect is self-disrespect, and if you’re constantly hemmed up at the helm of human will, being a professional people pleaser can impact nearly every domain of your life for better or for worse. It’s easy to say f*ck everyone and everything, and turn up those blocks and barricades on entry to your energy, which is pretty much what the villain arc is all about. But the fact of the matter is, you can’t truly avoid people unless you move to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere (unless that’s your vibe).

People need people, and we interact with them on a daily basis, from our work environments to our family dynamics. Rather than enter your villain era, may I suggest becoming a bitch instead? Hear me out, I’m a big believer that the villain era is simply a response to having poor boundaries, and being a bigger, badder bitch can be the solution to avoid most problems that stem from people-pleasing. By slang or dictionary, we associate “being a bitch” with someone who’s difficult, mean, rebellious, and radical. But if one thing’s for certain: a bitch doesn’t back down from anyone or anything, especially if it goes against her own beliefs or betrays her body. Becoming a bitch saved my life, and here’s how it can help save yours in case you need saving, too

people pleasing is a trauma response that’s costing your peace

Before we dive into my bitchionary (see what I did there), let’s go back to where it all began. Growing up, I’d be what you’d consider a bitch, and looking back at it, hell yeah. My child self knew exactly who she was and exactly what she wasn’t putting up with from a young age. I’ll never forget, at age five, when I stood up to my older cousin for teasing me and demanded that she treat me the way she treated people she loved. At age seven, I told my mother that I was tired of being dressed like a little boy and would only be wearing pink, sequins, and glitter from then on out. Whenever I’d ask my grandmother, “Why?” she’d always tell me, “Why is a crooked letter.” so I started asking, " How come?” instead. I was bold, bossy, and defiant — the child who talked back to anyone in authority, adult, teacher, or parent, specifically if their dominion came with disrespect or subjugated my autonomy. I was curious, yet confident — I followed some rules, and I broke them if they bound my sense of self-expression.

But by the time I reached junior high school, I found myself wanting to march with the band instead of to the beat of my own drum. I was dying to fit in with the “in crowd,” even when it didn’t feel comfortable. Slowly but surely, I began abandoning what made me different for what made me like everyone else. Then, I encountered my first bully. I shrank myself to appear less noticeable because if I dimmed my light to become invisible, I wouldn’t attract unwarranted attention from the kids who picked on me. So I focused my energy on being likable to being pleasant to eventually graduating to a full-blown people-pleaser. While yes, I did stick up for myself, especially in situations where my back was against the wall, deep down, I was afraid of being hurt, so I let go of my need to be right to keep the peace.

A people pleaser is someone who prioritizes the needs of others even at their own expense. It’s natural to want to be a person people can rely on, someone they can always expect to show up for, but not if it’s always at the cost of your well-being. On the surface, they appear to be generous, helpful, and kind, yet at their core, they neglect their sense of self-esteem in exchange for likability. People pleasers believe that they need to earn love through self-sacrifice, and their self-worth is rooted in other people’s satisfaction. It’s learned behavior, and for years, I thought being “nice” was my superpower. Being over-giving was a costume for my fear of abandonment on full display. I said yes to everything, overextended myself, and called it love — but it was all fear. Fear of being seen as difficult, ungrateful, or replaceable.

People pleasing is a volitional behavioral pattern that links your likability to safety and stems from the need for approval and a fear of rejection, but it’s not to be confused with fawning. People pleasing is rooted in adapted social habits, desire for connection, or fear of disapproval, which can be triggered by childhood trauma. It can improve with conscious reflection and is amenable to skills-based change [1]. On the flipside, fawning is an involuntary, body-first trauma response. It's the nervous system’s automatic appeasement strategy, rooted in the threat-response circuitry, that is faster than conscious processing and may require the help of a medical and/or wellness provider [2].

Signs You May Be A Professional People Pleaser

In entrepreneurship, it looks like undercharging. At work, it looks like burnout. In relationships, it looks like invisibility. In How to Do the Work, Dr. Nicole LaPera quoted, “Always meeting the needs of others is an unattainable goal and ultimately results in a neglect of our own means” [3]. As creatives, corporate baddies, eldest daughters, mothers, and/or founders, it’s easy for us to go above and beyond for others, but some of us are headed under, and it’s giving very much doormat vibes. Putting everyone else’s needs before your own excessively can result in not being able to identify your own needs or even ignoring them altogether.

don’t blame yourself, blame your brain

If you grew up believing that you needed to earn your parents’ love as a child, it’s likely that you prioritize managing other people’s emotions over your own as an adult. Aside from social conditioning, your nervous system plays a major part in using people-pleasing as a survival mechanism, and your brain’s amygdala and prefrontal cortex are to blame. The amygdala is your primary processing center for emotions like fear and anxiety. It’s activated in people-pleasing scenarios where your fight or flight response is triggered, which in turn elevates your stress levels. This can happen when you’re afraid to disappoint or upset someone, which results in you conforming to their wishes [4].

Think of your prefrontal cortex as the CEO of your brain. It’s responsible for decision-making, executive functions, working memory, goal-setting, and emotional regulation. In moments of conflict, your prefrontal cortex either steals the show or hides in the background, like standing up for yourself or avoiding a fight. If you’re likely to retreat because of the latter, it’s likely your brain is less active when experiencing emotional reactions, which in turn makes it difficult to express your needs [5]. Two of your brain’s neurotransmitters, your body’s chemical messengers, also play a role: cortisol and dopamine. Cortisol is your body’s primary stress hormone, which gets released in stressful situations that ignite your fear of abandonment or disapproval, so in response, you may do just about anything and everything to keep the peace.

Dopamine is your body’s feel-good chemical that helps you feel pleasure as part of your brain’s reward system. As a people pleaser, you may strive to seek validation from others, giving you a quick dopamine high. Considering all of the moving parts between the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex, cortisol, and dopamine, do you see how they all connect? Nonetheless, the effects are detrimental and can result in feelings of resentment, burnout, frustration, loneliness, isolation, inauthenticity, and low self-worth. While being “nice” works on occasion, we begin to place our value on what people think of us, and what human being truly needs another judge or jury? The veil between compassion and codependence is thinner than we think, yet the goal here isn’t to stop giving; it’s to only give from what overflows, or else your body may end up paying for it.

become a bitch or get an autoimmune disease

Lately, I’ve been seeing “Become a bitch or get an autoimmune disease” all over my feed, and to that I say “yawn, boring.” I kid, or possibly not, I’m just lowkey hating on the fact that other creators are now blowing up while I’ve been screaming it from the mountain tops and actively practicing it for years (let me have my diva-fit). You’ve probably heard me say “curse them out today, not tomorrow”, or maybe you’ve seen me drag that one girl across platforms for forty-eight straight. Either way, I’ve been avidly advocating for speaking your truth to avoid the stress that comes with the suppression of self-expression. I dove into the details of the connection between chronic stress, silent anger, and autoimmune diseases in one of my previous essays, Why I’m Anti-Girlboss. Granted, while we can’t cite the original source of this statement, I can confirm that it’s not exactly backed by science.

“There is no question that prolonged stress, emotional suppression, and an inability to set boundaries can contribute to immune dysregulation,” says Dr. Vishakha Shivdasani, a Mumbai-based longevity and disease reversal practitioner. “But I don’t think being a bitch is going to prevent autoimmune disease for anyone.”[6]. 80% of all autoimmune diseases happen to women in comparison to their male counterparts. Despite the many reasons autoimmune conditions persist, such as genetics or environmental toxins, Dr. Gabor Maté determined four key factors that contribute to this disproportionate statistic on the Mel Robbins Podcast [7]:

There’s no doubt that many women do the most and get the least in return, and I actually chuckle when people say “he’s a great man” when, in fact, he’s just the average woman. Plenty of us bite off more than we can chew, not to feed ourselves but to ensure others stay fed, complacent, and comfortable due to people-pleasing tendencies. In all, the overall callout is a bit too drastic for my taste, and why yes, you most certainly get an autoimmune disease from chronic stress and attempting to keep up with the demands of daily life, but becoming a bitch just looks like having better boundaries.

becoming a bitch just looks like having better boundaries

From friendship to romance, to family, to clients, my abandonment issues were apparent, and so was my never-ending to-do list. If neglecting my own needs meant preserving the connection, I’d do it without considering the consequences of self-neglect. But at the start of my entrepreneurship journey, I found myself growing resentful anytime I said yes when I truly wanted to say no because I was saying yes to everyone else while choosing to say no to myself. I felt a sense of self-betrayal whenever I’d hang out with friends who gossiped about their peers, and I’d stay silent in fear that I was next up in the pipeline. I was constantly going against my values, my thoughts, and my own limits, and for what if I’m constantly ending up friendless and broke with bags under my eyes?

By the time I hit my late twenties, I’d endure the lessons that needed to be learned on setting boundaries and return to my natural essence of being a bitch (hello Saturn Return). Prior to then, I had no clue what boundaries even were until I read Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab [8], and it changed my entire life. A boundary is something that indicates or fixes a limit. Think of boundaries as personal guidelines we create to let ourselves and others know our needs, expectations, and capacity. Let’s face it, you didn’t get into business to become a bill collector every time an invoice is due, nor did you sign up for a relationship where your opinions fall by the wayside. Boundaries are for you and how you’ll choose to respond, even if it sometimes results in leaving the dynamic.

It’s important to understand the difference between boundaries, rules, standards, and expectations. I’ve been there before, where someone would mask their rules as boundaries in order to control me and manage their anxiety, which I wrote about in Don’t Let That Man Dim Your Light. I was able to walk away because I understood the difference between someone expanding my life and wanting to reconstruct my code of conduct through control. This video by Dr. Raquel Martin explains this effortlessly: A boundary defines your limits, such as ‘I will not answer my phone after 10 PM.’ A rule controls someone else’s behavior and sounds like, ‘Don’t call me after 10 PM.’ A standard is about what you allow in your life, and your expectation is what you're hoping others will do. So your standard would be that you surround yourself with dependable people, and your expectation would be that a person would always show up on time.[9]

Healthy boundaries are the key to any successful relationship. People aren’t mind readers, so it's unfair to expect them to know what you’re thinking. Setting boundaries allows you to clearly communicate what your expectations are in order to vibe in harmony. They help you stand your ground and keep people from walking all over you. Your time, energy, and resources are valuable: set boundaries as the ultimate self-care practice to keep your well from running dry. But before you learn how to become a bigger bitch, let’s cover the basics of boundaries.

Boundaries can be defined as...

Porous

If you’re feeling anxious, drained, or down-and-out, it’s likely you have porous boundaries. Feeling used and abused is common, and you’re known as a certified people-pleaser. Porous boundaries can also look like:

• Accepting all responsibility and blame even when it’s not your fault.

• Abandoning your personal beliefs and values in order to align with the beliefs and values of others.

• Over-relying on your partner, friends, or family to make decisions and not trusting your own ideas and intuition.

• Oversharing too much personal information and blurring the lines between business and BFF.

• Letting others walk all over you and letting them take control over everything.

• Not trusting your genius and moving in fear instead of confidence and faith.

Rigid

What’s cooler than being cool — ice-cold, and rigid boundaries are stern and inflexible. With rigid boundaries, you run a strict program and put up a wall to create distance between you + them, and can also look like:

• Not accepting responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and how they affect others.

• Sticking strongly to your beliefs and values without any kind of reason or compromise.

• Being afraid to ask for help or assistance, so you just take on everything alone to avoid looking needy.

• Acting cold, distant, and inhumane towards your friends, family, partner, clients, and/or community.

• Being domineering while taking control over anything and everything.

• Unable to accept “no” as an answer and may push until you get your way.

Healthy

Healthy boundaries are clearly stated, flexible, balanced, and adaptable. Each person is able to be their true selves and effectively communicate their needs and looks like:

• Accepting responsibility for your own thoughts and ideas while respecting others.

• Staying true to your values and ethics without compromising others’ values and ethics.

• Staying aware of your business needs and being able to effectively communicate when they need to be met.

• Maintaining balance between your business and personal relationships without the lines being blurred.

• Knowing that you’re the main character of your life. Owning your role as a leader, guiding with expertise, and welcoming collaboration.

• Able to accept “no” as a final answer without fighting, pushback, or manipulation.

Types of boundaries you need

Time Boundaries

Time isn’t always of the essence, and people are either late, on time, or early. Time boundaries teach others how to honor your availability and respect your time.

Emotional & Mental Boundaries

Protecting your peace is a must in order to ensure your nervous system runs smoothly. Emotional and mental boundaries help you stay true to yourself and your beliefs without having to worry or babysit others’ emotions.

Financial & Material Boundaries

Financial and material boundaries protect your financial status and resources. This looks like setting deadlines and due dates for personal loans. For creatives, this can look like charging what your services are worth or not sending final files until you’ve received the balance from the final invoice.

Spiritual or Religious Boundaries

Spiritual boundaries protect your right to follow the practice you choose to honor. So if Fridays are for religious observance, set that in stone. If Sundays are your day to rest and restore, let the world know you’re unavailable or put your phone on DND.

Physical Boundaries

Not everyone likes to be touched, so if you’re not a hugger, give them a hand to shake. This can also look like having an SOW to ensure you have everything you need to get the job done.

Non-negotiable Boundaries

Everyone needs a list of non-negotiables. In short, they are dealbreakers that can make or break the relationship and violate the boundaries you uphold.

Personal Boundaries

Upholding any of these boundaries with other humans is pointless if you don’t set boundaries with yourself. Define your personal limits and hold yourself accountable when it comes to what you consume, your habits, your routines, and your spending to keep yourself on track to becoming the future you.

release your inner bitchness

I’ll never forget back when the world was on lockdown, and I thought I’d lost it all. My aunt had a deep, heartfelt talk with me, which would forever shape the way I moved. She said, “They aren’t thinking of you, most people are selfish. So choose to be kind, not nice”. And it’s true, people are self-centered because they live in their own world — not everything is about you, so it’s important not to take things personally. Of course, there’s a morality meter on what’s ethical versus what’s not, but we can take a few notes there. If people are living in their own selfish worlds, why don’t we create a self-centered one of our own?

Think back to when you were a kid, and you used your imagination to build castles, houses, mansions, and stories. Whether you penned it down in the pantry like Shonda Rhimes or you drew it out on construction paper, we built worlds with people, characters, and lived by our own rules. But the deeper we immerse ourselves in the ways of the world built around us, the more we can often lose ourselves in it, simply by trying to survive. It’s safer to assimilate, not to stand out, to be agreeable, and to be quiet. To be seen and not heard, whether it’s with family or at work.

When I think back to my childhood, that little girl was outspoken, but she told the truth. She stood up for what was right, and stood ten toes down on what was wrong. She was bold, she wasn’t scared, and through her, I remembered and embodied her energy. But as a grown ass woman, I don’t take shit on the chin, and I’m speaking the fuck up. When you’re unapologetic, unwavering, and audacious, you’ll be shunned and critiqued. People may even go out of their way to humble you, but in times of discomfort, choose to be the bigger bitch. So without further ado, here are my guidelines for tried and true methods on how to release your inner bitchness.

Go from victim to villain arc, to full-blown bitch.

Everyone’s boundaries and requirements are different, so I can’t tell you which ones you need. But to get started on figuring that out, you’ll need to get started with your values first. I’ll be dropping a little something special next week to help you rebuild your internal GPS, brick by brick. If you do anything, ask yourself where you can start being a bigger bitch in your life, whether it’s having better boundaries in dating, work, family, or friendship. Remember to always stay true to yourself. Your self-worth isn’t tied to the way people perceive you, or how much they love you; your self-worth is determined by how much you value yourself. Don’t wait until you’re all tapped out to realize that it’s time to put you first. After all, there is no art without the muse.

xx,

B

Brittany Antoinette
Founder, Not So CEO

Thank you for reading Frm: A Not So CEO — my name is Brittany Antoinette, and I write about the work in progress between who we were taught to be and who we actually are. Over the past decade, I’ve creative directed for entrepreneurs and dreamers with big ideas to develop groundbreaking brands across beauty and wellness at The Idea Girl. And now, I help creatives and thinkers go from working behind the scenes to taking center stage at Not So CEO. For tools and exercises, consider upgrading your subscription to get access to the entire library.

references

[1-2] Fawning vs. People-Pleasing: The Clinical Difference That Changes Everything Annie Wright, LMFT

[3] How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera

[4-5] The Hidden Science Behind People-Pleasing: A Deeper Dive into Neurological Mechanisms, Fika Health

[6] “Be a Bitch or Develop an Autoimmune Disease” Has a CTA for Women, Sheya Kurian, Chronically Online

[7] Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal, Mel Robbins Podcast

[8] Set Boundaries Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab

[9] Understanding Boundaries vs. Rules in Relationships. Dr. Raquel Martin, PhD

i almost settled into submission by trading my sunshine for shade

Never in my life have I ever been dumped for being too much of a bad b*tch, but I guess there’s a first time for everything, right? If you zoomed in, you’ll probably see I was also too social, too sensual, too passionate, too much, and I shone way too bright — so bright that you needed blinders if you didn’t have the confidence to bask in my glow. Naturally, I’m self-centered, but not selfish. A diva, a main character, I mean, what else would you expect from a 1st House Leo Stellium? I’ve worked too hard to become that woman through doing and undoing. I did all of the things — journaling, therapy, affirmations, subminals, self-help books, weight training, mirror work, glamour magic, and the list goes on and on as I’ve been self-maxxing before it even became the next best thing on your for you page. She’s a woman that I’m proud of, one who’s worth protecting, the adult my six-year-old self would aspire to be, and I’ll be damned if I welcome someone into my world who wants to steal my sunshine.

I’ve been pretty quiet about my dating life online, the complete opposite of my roster dating chronicles and unblocking men in exchange for an Apple Cash apology. The reason? The men I was seeing were slowly dimming my light, on purpose at that. It almost felt like a sick game that I didn’t volunteer to play, but had no choice but to lose — myself that is. But to know me is to also know that I’m a lover girl at heart, but not at the risk of losing my freedom. One by one, they wanted to humble me, and I almost fell right for the trap. My light that once shone so bright began dwindling in exchange for breadcrumbs and a potential happily ever after. And there I was, tricked out of my damn spot, duller and dimmer. Eventually, they’d grow to have the same glimmer in their eyes that I once possessed, mine fading because being partnered sounded that damn promising as a childless woman inching closer to her forties. And again, I hear the clock go tik-tok, a self-imposed countdown that blared “when the f*ck is my time coming?” anytime I saw another pregnancy or engagement announcement in my algorithm.

I wanted it badly, and up until recently, I almost settled into submission by trading my sunshine for shade. The day we first met, we locked eyes from across the room before we even knew each other’s names. In that split second, it felt like our souls knew each other for an eternity; an ignited flame that danced between the souls of two strangers, soon-to-be lovers, possible twin flames. At the time, I wasn’t interested in dating after earning my glow back for going six months of no contact with a man who worked overtime to shut down my self-esteem to fit into his f*cked up fantasy (more on him later). But this one approached me professionally about a potential collaboration, and we exchanged Instagram handles before parting ways. I didn’t think about him again till he reached out about a week later to schedule a shoot date. There we were in the DMs, and somewhere along the way, we went from casual and curious to intrigue and intensity, with our first date taking place only a week later.

He loved my aura, my energy, my style — reaffirming what my ego already knew, and I ate that sh*t, right the f*ck up. Our connection was fast, yet hard. I fell hard, so did he, and almost suddenly we became inseparable. We shared our values, swapped our favorite songs, and began building an imaginary future together. I thought we were aligned because we wanted the same things — partnership, generational wealth, and children, God-willing. He treated me like a princess and waited on me hand and foot. Respectful, well-mannered, handsome, tall, and talented with a great head on his shoulders. I love a man who knows what he wants, and he wanted me, all of me. But as a woman who belongs to herself, I quickly began losing myself in the possibility of forever instead of the reality of right now. It felt too good to be true, and I didn’t want to let my trauma jeopardize the future I envisioned. But somewhere along the way, my vision got cloudy, too cloudy to recognize the red flags that would ignite my spark into a full-blown blaze.

It all started during a night out with friends, which was supposed to be a celebratory moment that turned sour. Prior to arriving at the venue, we went out for $8 Lychee Martini’s at my favorite happy hour. While waiting for him, I decided to post a carousel on my IG feed, and like clockwork, he pulls up to our table, peering with curiosity at the newest picture that I’d grace my timeline. He wasted no time by pulling his phone out and commenting “MINE 😍” in all caps from across my birds-eye view. I felt a pang in my stomach, as feeling possessed always set off alarms for my Sagittarius Moon (we love our freedom). For some reason, it didn’t feel like a declaration of love; it felt like a claim to mark me as territory, the same way a dog asserts its dominance by pissing all over your house. I saved the feeling for later, and we made our way to celebrate one of my best friends at a local bar. My friends and I danced the night away, in between sneaking off to bump and grind on my guy. One by one, our party began retiring, and there were just a few of us left, him included. He went to the restroom and left me with my two friends that remained and a few of their associates who happened to be the opposite sex.

Me being me, I got lost in the music and began dancing like no one was watching. Just moments later, he was back and pulled me to the side with a pissy look on his face. “Why are those men hovering around you and disappearing when I pull up?” he spat. I was clueless, as I’m pretty sure I can spot when a man is interested, but he convinced me that I was oblivious, so I focused on regulating and reassuring him that nothing had taken place. “I’ll order us some drinks, go dance with your friends, and I’ll be there in a sec,” he said assuredly, and that I did. Beyoncé’s “Energy” was blasting from the speakers, and the three of us owned the dancefloor with full-blown choreography. My guy was back with our drinks, but this time within a watchful distance that gave observation, opposed to enjoyment. With my back turned to the crowd, I felt the presence of someone behind me who spoke quietly enough just for me to hear him, “I love your outfit”.

Before I could even turn around, he was yanked by the shoulders, and all I heard next was “Nah, she has a man”. I watched in horror, hoping and praying that things don’t escalate, but my girlfriend, just as confused as I was, reassured me, “They’ll work it out, they’re men”. After what felt like the most excruciating three minutes of my life, he turns back to me and mentions that he’s going to get ready to go because he was tight (NYC slang for angry). I followed him outside while he rolled up, praying that the green would help him blow off some steam. I tried my best to calm him down because, for one, I didn’t think it was that serious to sweat, and two, I’ve never experienced something like that before. Just when I thought I was doing a great job to lighten the mood, another man standing just 6 feet away at the curb innocently chimed in, “I like your outfit,” and I froze. Usually, I would have said thank you because I know how to put that sh*t on, and it’s normal to receive compliments on my style from both men and women. But in this instance, I winced in horror and awaited the next few moments, anxiously anticipating my guy’s reply.

“Yeah, I know she looks good, right? She’s a model,” he spat sarcastically with scorn seeping through every syllable. Leaving me in a stupor, he walks off and says, “Nah, you’re going to give me problems, I can’t do this,” before heading across the street to fetch us a few bottles of water. The blood rushes to my face, my cheeks flushed, and my stomach in knots. My best friend walks outside to find me on the sidewalk in silence with my arms folded. She noticed that I was damn near close to having an anxiety attack and pulled me into her arms. After I melted into her embrace, she looked directly in my eyes and purred, “Well, this is what happens when you decide to date a bad b*tch”. To say that this was a normal occurrence would be a lie, but to my best friend’s point, I was in fact what you’d consider a bad b*tch. I have a pretty face like my mommy’s, a banging gym body with a fat a** to match, a fly a** sense of style, and an intellect that rivaled the depths of the ocean.

I went to sleep in his bed and woke up praying that last night was a nightmare. Things between us had never been the same since that day, for I would now begin the fight of my life for the next few months to keep my spark lit. We probably spoke about that night a hundred times, and somehow, I was indirectly to blame despite not being at fault. “You were dancing suggestively, you didn’t move away from him quickly enough, you should’ve stood closer to me, you shouldn’t be dancing with your a** facing back towards the crowd”. Even I was briefly manipulated to believe that there was something I could’ve done to prevent yesterday’s drama. In efforts to meet him on the same page, I asked, “What can I do?” which ultimately ended up being the worst thing I could’ve done. I had just unknowingly set myself up for the job of managing someone’s emotions by editing my behavior.

He called them boundaries, I coined it as control because, in all, they were rules contrary to his belief. It started with my wardrobe, no boobs out and nothing too short, and that I was willing to compromise on until he’d catch a titty attack when I’d go braless and wanted to inspect my outfits on Facetime before going outside. I traded in my thong swimsuits for bikinis and one-pieces to comfort him, only to realize there was no covering this fat a**. He’d joke about burning some of my dresses, some of my favorite pieces, because they showed a little sideboob or hugged my hips a little too snug. He thought I looked beautiful without makeup, as did I, and petitioned for me to wear a bare face. He understood that makeup was a form of self-expression, but the days I did beat my face, he’d take offense to my artistry, suggesting that I reserved certain makeup looks in his presence because my eyes were too siren-like when I lined them, and my lips were too luscious when they were glossed. Like what the f*ck?

Then came the men, the f*cking men. No homeboys, replacing hugs with daps, and providing a full-blown contact list of every man I know, from close friends to associates. I couldn’t say thank you if another man held the door open for me, let alone lend a glance for over a one-second quota to our male waiter. He paid attention to every detail, to every man who left a comment on my photos, to the numbers that called my phone. Even the most innocent interaction could be misconstrued as flirting. He told me he was overprotective because of his childhood trauma, and his response was simply to preserve my safety when clearly it was to protect his ego. But truly, this all felt a little too familiar, similar to a past teenage love affair with my high school sweetheart, who banned leggings and miniskirts from my fashion lexicon. Why did these men want to cage me? Was I being groomed to be in an abusive relationship? I can’t tell you the number of times those thoughts crossed my mind, but truthfully, I was more afraid of losing my cool and clocking him out of frustration before he’d ball a fist at me.

If it wasn’t abuse, it was most certainly control, it was possession, and I felt like a trophy that sat on the shelf collecting dust, far and out of reach. He wanted to consume me for himself with nothing left over for me. I was a souvenir, a pretty specimen for adornment but not to be admired. The signs were clearly there, but I was already in too deep, and I tried my best to compromise. Every day I walked on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop in anticipation of a new rule to be added to the CVS receipt to further constrict me. I stopped interacting with my guy friends as much if at all, I tucked all my sexy dresses away, and looked up to look away from any man in my peripheral. Another day, another rule was set in stone to soothe his overthinking and pacify his anxiety for pre-conceived events that hadn’t even taken place, and the list kept getting longer. No girls trips, no solo-travel, no girl’s night out, no bars, no clubs, no twerking, no dark sunglasses, no ice cream cones, no nothing pretty much.

There was always another tweak, another edit, that I needed to make in order to be “perfect” in his Virgo eyes (I probably should’ve mentioned that sooner). I felt trapped like a caged bird, and got the confirmation from God and the Universe when I saw two taxi signs advertising “BritBox” after nearly every argument between us for two weeks straight. Clearly, the saxophones were loud as f*ck, and I was being boxed the f*ck in. I’m part West Indian, so of course I will be wining my waist in the middle of the dancefloor when I’m ninety years old. I’ve been a fashionista since age seven, so of course I dress for the self-gaze and not the male-gaze. I busted my a** in the gym to get this body, so of course I’m proud enough to show it off. I’m a pillar in my community, so of course, I’ve grown up with solid men who look out for me like their little sister. I was raised to be polite, so of course I’m going to say “thank you” for acts of chivalry or compliments on my fits. Why date a socially visible woman and then turn around demanding she become invisible? I’m a creative, a style enthusiast, a wanderer, and a dreamer, and all of the parts of me that made me whole were slowly being erased in order to check off someone else’s boxes.

Everything went from being about me to being about managing his fears and anxiety by modifying my behavior. Whether it was a man staring at me, wearing athleisure wear to run errands, or talking to the waiter a little too long, he’d go stone cold and ruin every memorable moment. That’s when I knew his time was up. Now, would I refer to him as the worst? No, but it did feel like imprisonment. It’s just that he simply wasn’t confident enough to hold me because his insecurities kept me restricted. He wasn’t mature enough to handle a woman like me. We broke things off for what felt like the fiftieth time because I refused to be caged. I refused to be contained, and be quite honest, it’s probably the best gift he’s given me since we’ve been together. The container I was placed in was constrictive and designed to shade my shine. Every time he attempted to contain me, I fought harder for my freedom with my unwillingness to comply. But this former caged bird’s song of choice is Free by Destiny’s Child, for I am a woman who will not be tamed. If a man wishes to be with me, he needs to meet me where I’m at and not the other way around.

sometimes stealing your light looks like siphoning your self-esteem

So I shared what it’s like dealing with a possessive man who shades your shine, but I want to dig into something a bit more sinister. If you’re not careful, there will be times you’ll come across men (or women) who prey on your energy. I’m talking about the people who steal your light by siphoning your self-esteem. Before I’d get with these men, I was shiny and sparkly, my money was up, career was clear, hair always done, and body always tea. However, once I’d get into a relationship with them, my money would dry up, my career felt confusing, and I somehow stopped caring about my appearance because I was fighting for my life. I couldn’t find the right words to describe some of my experiences at the time, but with the help of therapy-tok, I learned about two insidious terms that describe the canon relationships and situationships that leave you drained and undone, siphoning and harvesting.

When a man siphons your energy, he is withdrawing energy from you without the intent of reciprocating, unconsciously or in subtle ways, even if they’re not deliberately attempting to manipulate you. This can look like breadcrumbing, only calling to trauma dump or when they need emotional support, exploiting your labor for nothing in return, and expecting you to show up for them while neglecting your own needs. It’s a chronic cycle of imbalance where you’re left feeling exhausted, confused, overextended, and used because you’re constantly pouring into someone else’s cup without the expectation of receiving because all you do is give. Siphoning your energy can look a lot more passive and happens in the moment, opposed to harvesting, which is more strategic by extracting your value long-term. One leaves you exhausted, and the other leaves you exploited, but sh*t gets darker when we talk about harvesting.

Men who harvest your energy cultivate your garden to gain access to your shine, gifts, and labor because they produce value for them. They’re intentional about their motives to suck you dry because your aura improves their life, so they fix themselves to directly benefit from it. This can look like dating you because your network, talents, status, or finances elevate them. It can also look like adopting your personality, hobbies, ambition, routines, ideas, and passing them off as theirs. They may even convince you to nurture the relationship while avoiding commitment to reap the benefits without having to invest. He keeps you hooked emotionally because, regardless, your energy boosts his confidence and motivation. In this dynamic, you may notice that their life seemingly gets better while yours is getting worse — they appear to thrive while you feel depleted. You can clearly see how your labor and insights amplify his success, but he doesn’t acknowledge it. Most of all, the relationship is designed around what he receives, as opposed to what you build together.

@angel.lightworker1How men harvest or siphon your energy. High standards and boundaries will protect u ladies, learn your worth. Your energy gives life #energyvampires #energyharvesting #energymanipulation

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save your spark by saving yourself

After performing an audit of my past romantic encounters, I dug deep to connect the dots by analyzing patterns between myself and the men that I dated. I’d ask myself questions like “what were my finances like, was I consistent with my routines and habits, was I healthy physically and mentally?” in each connection I had. There were times I was up, and after entertaining a certain someone, I was down in almost every aspect of my life. If my light was what attracted them, why can’t I maintain it while I’m with them? The answer is simple: the same thing they once loved me for was the same thing they’d end up resenting me for. The fighting made me uglier. The arguing would leave me in anxiety and uninspired to go to the gym, let alone doll myself up. Some men get a kick out of humbling women, and it can look as simple as an insult or as drastic as getting her pregnant on purpose during a pertinent time in her career. When I live my life as the main character, the more I attract, but the more influence and control a man has over my life, the more I retract.

It was a shady a** Sagittarius that I allowed to siphon my energy through breadcrumbing, gaslighting, and inconsistency. Whereas I should’ve been focused on work and pursuing my dreams, my focus was riddled with anxiety, wondering when he was going to call me, and residing in a never-ending loop of confusion. Then it was a lying a** Libra who harvested my energy and believed it was my responsibility to help build his brand. It was no coincidence that I went from being financially stable to financially burdened the moment his business became mine. I sure know how to pick ‘em, right? My childhood was a major component, leading all the way back to the relationship I had with both my mother and father. I learned the hard way some time ago — nice girls finish last, and when you’re too nice, you’ll be taken advantage of. Now, if you also possess bright, sparkly energy, you’ll attract people who either want to surround themselves with it, siphon it, or harvest it. Oftentimes, you’ll be seen as an energy source, an outlet that people can use to charge up on whatever you have available, whether it’s your self-esteem, confidence, or compassion.

Platonic or romantic, your aura will warrant both people who are fascinated by your light and those who want it for themselves, and the only way you can save your spark is by saving yourself. Now, exactly what do I mean by saving yourself? There is no list of tips and tricks that I could give to help you save yourself, except for leaving them alone and learning the lesson. I wish I had the answers to questions like why do men approach women that they’re not ready for? And while yes, some of the men I dated were siphoners, some were harvesters, and some were prison guards like ole’ boy who didn’t make it past summer, but ultimately it was up to me to free myself from the life I didn’t want. I went no-contact with the Shady Saggitarius and revoked his access to my energy cold turkey because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I let go of the lying a** Libra because he was draining my beauty, energy, and my pockets. The moment I called my energy back to me was the moment they came banging on my door again, starving for another taste. They all did, and they still do.

I know why the caged bird sings, but I refuse to be contained. In no way should love require self-abandonment, and partnership isn’t supposed to feel like a prison. If someone doesn’t have the capacity to hold you, they’ll end up building a cage to contain you, and you have to make the decision on whether or not you want to fly free or stay locked up behind bars. As for me, I prefer to be loved in my fullness and free of forceful modification to manage someone else’s emotions. Never diminish your shine just to make yourself more palatable — let those people choke. You can’t punish a sexy woman for being sexy, the same reason you can’t punish a bright woman for shining her light. I refuse to be bent out of shape just to fit into someone’s warped version of reality, and as an untamed woman, a man isn’t welcome into my world if his shade blocks my sunshine.

Thank you for reading Frm: A Not So CEO — my name is Brittany Antoinette, and I write about the work in progress between who we were taught to be and who we actually are. Over the past decade, I’ve creative directed for entrepreneurs and dreamers with big ideas to develop groundbreaking brands across beauty and wellness at The Idea Girl. And now, I help creatives and thinkers go from working behind the scenes to taking center stage at Not So CEO. For tools and exercises, consider upgrading your subscription to get access to the entire library.

xoxo,

B

—

Brittany Antoinette

I made my first article voiceover (with a few mistakes), but the article is updated ✨

I talk a lot, so naturally I talk to a lot of people, women in particular. And one common theme that I’ve noticed in between conversations was that the talented person sitting in front of me suffered from imposter syndrome. You’d never think someone so gifted, so skilled, so poised, would believe for a moment that they’re not as good as you’d assume them to be. There was always another tweak, another edit, another reason as to why they weren’t doing the damn thing when clearly they’ve done all of the things you could imagine, especially hard things. Women, from all walks of life, would draw an imaginary line in the sand — the distance between their current reality and their dreams separated by time and space. The distance between who they are and who they’re perceived to be (because there are some people who hate to be perceived, I’m talking to you, Scorpio placements).

Imposter syndrome is the voice that whispers you’re not good enough or that you’re lucky to be in the rooms you enter. Whether it’s waiting for the perfect moment to take that risk or risking being seen trying something new, imposter syndrome creates a gap between who you actually are and how you want to be seen. And instead of trying, sometimes you do nothing at all. But then I watch others, some brave in their naivete and some bold in their disrespect, surpass their own expectations (and my peers) by keeping their eyes on the prize. They move up the ladder, they get the promotion, they get the brand deal because they're delusional about winning. So why do the most overqualified people feel like impostors and not the people who cosplay their credibility?

For one, they’re not afraid to lose because they’re just one loss away from winning. Two, no matter how qualified or unqualified they are, they’re consistent in their self-belief. Meanwhile, the overqualified overthink and trick themselves out of the spots they’ve rightfully earned, and some don’t even think they’re good enough to try because they think they’re going to fail. No matter what you may think, you’re usually a lot better than you think you are, but you have to create the proof. Let’s get to the bottom of imposter syndrome, why we’re no longer claiming it, and how to reclaim your confidence through consistency.

what imposter syndrome is and isn’t

During the height of the Girlboss era and the rise of therapy-tok, imposter syndrome took over our algorithms and pretty soon our faves’ fave vocabulary (I too). Like any human who's on the quest to understand themselves a bit deeper, we grasp for labels and explanations for our behavior and its relation to its outcomes and self-identification. In 1978, American Clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes coined the term “imposter syndrome” as an internal experience of intellectual phoniness experienced by those with outstanding academic and professional achievements, specifically in high-achieving women. It’s the persistent belief that your success is accidental, fragile, or undeserved despite having real proof, talent, and results to back it up. Psychologically, it’s rooted in chronic self-doubt, which can look like:

1. Doing the work but hiding the results. You’re a chronic soft launcher who creates but never shares.

2. Downplaying your accomplishments. Instead of saying “I did that,” you say: “Oh, it wasn’t a big deal,” or “I just got lucky,” because it’s easier to deflect instead of receiving praise.

3. Waiting for perfection before you start. You don’t launch until the ‘perfect’ moment, plan, or idea arrives, which it never does.

4. Thinking you need more to deserve what you already earned. More degrees. More certifications. More followers. More prep. You collect qualifications like Pokémon.

5. Assuming others know more than you, even when they don’t. You walk into a room already shrinking. You think people are more experienced than they actually are.

6. Having a fear of being exposed as “not good enough” even when there’s no evidence.
   You brace for criticism you invented in your mind. You might even overwork to compensate for imagined inadequacy to prove you’re not a fraud.

7. Avoiding visibility because it feels risky. You avoid speaking up, posting, applying, pitching, and being seen because visibility feels like danger.

8. Not trusting your own proof. Even with receipts, wins, praise, and experience, you still think it’s not enough.

9. Setting impossible standards for yourself. You compare your team of one to corporations and people with entire teams, budgets, or different circumstances, and then punish yourself for not living up to their standards.

10. Believing that belonging is earned and not a birthright. You don’t walk into rooms, platforms, or opportunities like you’re meant to be there — even though you are.

On the flip side, this label can also be masked as a blanket term for social conditioning; decades of being taught to shrink, to be grateful, or having to “prove yourself” twice as hard just to earn a cent of what others receive by default. While these instances of imposter syndrome may be valid, they can also be a response to living in oppressive environments that weren’t designed for you to thrive. Especially for marginalized people who face sexism, racism, classism, and the constant pressure to outperform just to be seen as equal by being twice as good. In Her Agenda article, Here’s Why We Must Stop Telling Black Women They Have ‘Imposter Syndrome, Janell Hazelwood Maol wrote, “The feelings of doubt, frustration, and inadequacy are not rooted in illusions, they are nurtured over time through inequalities and biases from unequal pay to codeswitching.”

Sometimes you’re not just doubting yourself from one-off occurrences; you’re reacting to systems that were designed to make you question your value in the first place. When you’ve spent years navigating rooms that weren’t built with your safety in mind, your nervous system registers it as a threat. Identifying with labels can limit your ceilings as well as your feelings, but the hard truth is feelings aren’t facts. That’s why we overwork despite making progress, or stop right before we fail because we’re fearful, nervous, or unsure. Of course, it’s normal to feel anxious before a huge presentation, taking ownership of your work, being in the spotlight, or accepting an award, regardless of having the receipts to back it up. But in those moments, you always have to stop yourself and ask one question: who or what says I wasn’t capable or deserving?

is it imposter syndrome, or are you just inconsistent?

Imposter syndrome is a visibility trap because it keeps you hidden behind the scenes when you’re meant to be front row and center. It tells you that you’re better off playing the background when you’re overqualified to lead because you’re too busy being humble. It may even tell you that you’re not even good enough to begin. It keeps you backstage, writing, designing, strategizing, or snapping life from behind the lens. It keeps you hidden when clearly you were designed to shine. When your visibility is tied to validation, you shy away from showing up because it’s safer to play it safe than to switch sh*t up by doing something different.

When your self-worth is tied to vanity metrics, your performance becomes your measure of self-love. So instead, you barely post, you barely share the work you’re doing, let alone the past few years of projects that you haven’t updated in your portfolio. But if you live by the cheers, you will die by the boos. The world can’t value what it can’t see — and staying invisible doesn’t make you safer, it just makes you smaller. I myself grappled with the term imposter syndrome because even when I “felt” like an imposter, my proof always said otherwise.

But when I think about why I was so good at certain things and heinously mediocre at others, the only barrier that separated me from being great was the number of times I practiced. The number of times I showed up, even when I didn’t want to. The number of times I finished something. The number of times I did something over and over again. And then I think about the times that I abandoned something just because I didn’t get it on the first try. But for the times I didn’t, I got good, like really good. Like when I niched my services down to building brand identities, and I got really good at doing them because I did them over and over again.

Or like that time when I was a child and wanted to learn how to jump double dutch after watching the older girls on my block spin into splits and tricks in that thick rope we begged the Cablevision techs for. I knew I wanted to be just as good, so I jumped every single day before I made it into the rope at least once. Every day without fail, my friend and I would tie the opposite side of the rope to a gate, and I’d jump as if my life depended on it, and failed every time. Then, at my friend’s 10th birthday party, it was my time to shine, and I finally landed in between the ropes and did a few tricks before they collapsed. The older I got, and the more I jumped, the more skilled I became. The fact of the matter wasn’t that I was always good at jumping double dutch, I was just consistent in trying.

comparison isn’t the thief of joy — it’s inconsistency

It’s safe to say that imposter syndrome isn’t a mental illness but rather a mindset. It’s a relentless loop of self-doubt, a fear of exposure, and chronically underestimating yourself. That is one choice, but what happens when you start to consistently believe in yourself? The result? Eventually, your brain will link up with your heart, brain, and mind to help you take consistent, aligned action. Let’s use Elle from Legally Blonde in this case study. Elle was perfect by societal standards. Her hair was the perfect shade of blonde, eyes the perfect shade of blue, with the perfect pair of boobs. She came from the perfect wealthy family, with the perfect pup, the perfect boyfriend, and lived in a perfect home. She majored in Fashion Merchandising, was a Delta Nu soror, and who else would she be without the perfect 4.0 GPA?

But her world came crashing down when her perfect life-sized Ken Doll broke things off and went away to law school. Amidst her depressive despair, she decided that she too would trail behind his footsteps to Harvard. However, she’d quickly found out that her former lover was engaged to someone who’d fit the polo and khaki vibe he was going for. From being the laughing stock of the classroom to not being taken seriously, Elle decided that she was going to become a lawyer by any means necessary. The same way she religiously studied to pass the LSATs was the same energy she embodied on her trek to becoming a lawyer.

It didn’t matter what anyone believed about Elle because Elle believed she could be a lawyer if she moved like one in her actions. She had two of her greatest tools: consistency and confidence. Now, for those who feel like impostors, you’re not a fraud — you just happen to suck at following through. In other words, you’re capable, you’re just not as confident…yet (we’ll cover how confidence fuels your self-concept in another essay). We repeatedly do what we believe we’re good at. Confidence is the signal that tells your brain, “do it again”. It’s built through repetition, and repetition is proof. Every time you show up, your brain registers that risk as safety, your body remembers ease, and the cycle continues.

But consistency doesn’t necessarily look like winning every game; it looks like showing up for every game and playing whether you win or lose. It doesn’t ask you to push harder; it asks you to stay longer and to go deeper. There may even be people who are less talented who climb to the top because consistency will always beat talent (how many times have you heard a terrible song on the radio only for you to sing the lyrics unconsciously because you’ve heard it over a million times?). Together, confidence and consistency will always get you a lot closer to your vision than what your circumstances ever could. As Ginny Clarke once said, “Enough with the imposter syndrome, let that be for the people who aren’t really good at what you do!”

how to beat the imposter syndrome allegations

1. Break down your big goals into small wins.

There’s nothing worse than setting high expectations and not being able to rise to the occasion. Is it perhaps that your goals were a little too big to begin with? Yes, it happens to the best of us, but save yourself the disappointment by setting celebratory milestones at smaller stints. Like, instead of waiting to celebrate yourself when you’ve saved $10,000, start by celebrating when you’ve saved $500.

2. I will say this until I’m blue in the face: You can become more consistent by focusing on becoming 1% better.

It’s obvious that I’m a big Atomic Habits fan, and it’s likely I’ll be referencing the book plenty around here. Here’s what I wrote in my last essay, Why I’m Anti-Girlboss.

3. Post the draft instead of waiting for perfection.

This is one of my favorite forms of exposure therapy. If you’re one of those people who are afraid of sharing your work, start posting and sharing without the expectation of being liked (pun intended). Show up without the content calendars, the strategies, and trending audio. You don’t need the perfect apartment; get started with a cute corner in your bedroom. The more effort you put into planning and thinking, the less momentum you’ll have for showing up and posting. Instead, put your focus into sharing, the audience you want to attract, the community you want to build, and the collaborators and brands you want to work with, as opposed to vanity metrics that chip away at your self-esteem.

4. Continue so you can collect data.

Quitting is way easier than continuing, and in continuity, we discover our strengths and weaknesses. We get better with time when we repeat the things we wish we were good at. You may not get “it” on your first try like some people, but you will eventually. When you’re able to endure the learning process, you gain experience in which you collect data. With that data, you observe, you analyze, and you make tweaks. You study yourself to adjust your technique and approach to become exceptional at what you do (if that’s your goal).

5. Review your past works and the things you’ve created.

The next time you’re feeling like an impasta, take a trip down memory lane and review your old work. When you take a look at your past projects and observe your growth, you’ll be grateful you had the courage to get started in order to be where you are now.

6. Keep an album of receipts of affirming comments and compliments.

Whenever I’m feeling a little down, I go back to some of the comments and compliments given by friends, family, and even customers who’ve said something I created changed their lives. Create a photo album on your phone and take screenshots of any affirming comments or messages that you can revisit whenever you’re having a moment. Another hack: I respond to comments when I log onto social media to keep from scrolling my timeline. Saying thank you over and over again first thing in the morning amplifies my sense of gratitude and puts me in a good mood. Then I spend my time throwing compliments back to my homegirls who are working hard on the gram for good karma.

7. Surround yourself with people who remind you of who the f*ck you are.

Great, energetic, and spiritual hygiene looks like hanging around people who can lift your spirits by helping you remember who tf you are. Even when you feel like a fake, the people around you can remind you of the opposite. They’ll help you recount your achievements and milestones. They’ll help you remember the beautiful parts about yourself that you’ve temporarily forgotten. Build a safety net of friends, family, mentors, and colleagues who can remind you of your power in your times of need.

Thank you for reading Frm: A Not So CEO — my name is Brittany Antoinette, and I write about the work in progress between who we were taught to be and who we actually are. Over the past decade, I’ve creative directed for entrepreneurs and dreamers with big ideas to develop groundbreaking brands across beauty and wellness. And now, I help creatives and thinkers go from working behind the scenes to taking center stage. For tools and exercises, consider upgrading your subscription to get access to the entire library.

xx,

B

Brittany Antoinette
Founder, Not So CEO

I’m anti-girlboss. I don’t want to scale my company and spin on all four cylinders to be successful. I don’t want to send a pitch deck to beg for breadcrumbs from VCs and investors. I don’t want to tap dance in minstrelsy to sit in rooms with people who don’t believe I deserve to be there. I don’t want to build a booby-trap of lead funnel freebies to sell a high-ticket course and call it “community”. I don’t want to hustle and grind in my prime and wait to rest when I’m dead.

Most of all, I don’t care about being social media famous, let alone social validation, to soothe the emotional neglect I experienced in childhood. Me being anti-girlboss isn’t a contrarian trope to look cool; it’s a political statement with my middle fingers up, saying f*ck the systems that conditioned me to believe that I can have my little slice of heaven once I’ve worked myself to the bone. This doesn’t mean that I’m not ambitious or that I don’t desire a rich life — I’m just burnt out, and I refuse to let my ambition send me to an early grave.

Last month, our timelines were flooded with the name Emma Grede, who you may or may not know. She’s on every major podcast from the Breakfast Club to Oprah’s Book Club, promoting her first-ever title, Start With Yourself. You may also know her as one of the sharks on Shark Tank or as the co-founder, in partnership with the Kardashians, of SKIMS and Good American. Right now, her pedal on the media circuit is causing another great divide on the internet — bigger than the Hanifa debacle, shedding light on the split between the haves and the have-nots, and still managed to have one of the best PR rollouts we’ve seen in a while.

The reviews are mixed among those who’ve read the book and those who haven’t; it’s reviving the girlboss era that I thought we all said goodbye to after experiencing collective burnout during the pandemic. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Emma Grede is an amazing businesswoman. She’s phenomenal, and I can understand why she serves as the girlboss archetype for success. However, her positioning is no different from Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” or any other CEO-turned-author who tells us to be more ambitious by showing up and doing more.

We no longer live in a society that rewards hard work and merit, which died long ago with the American Dream. So what’s my fake beef with texts like Lean In and Start With Yourself? It’s not relevant. It's antiquated rhetoric bullsh*t designed to empower worker bees to keep the economy running by promising them the reward of retirement and bi-annual pizza parties while your boss gets a bigger bonus. I mean, do we truly believe that the wealthy spend their time overworking to amass their fortune? Let’s be f*cking for real — if the end goal isn’t freedom, then what the f*ck are we truly overworking for?

“emma grede wasn’t talking you.” well then, who the f*ck was she talking to?

The classism was loud in some of these online thinkpieces, and so was the ignorance. “Emma Grede wasn’t talking to you. This is for ambitious women only, not the women who don’t want anything in life.” If Emma Grede wasn’t talking to us, then who the f*ck was she talking to? Well, for one, she is most certainly talking to all of us, I mean, how else is she going to make her money? And for just $30, you can get an inside scoop on how to become a billionaire, too. Her perspective came off as affirming to some and jarring to others, for both women climbing the corporate ladder and female founders with blazing bouts of ambition.

Clearly, her advice isn’t one size fits all. I’m a very much take the meat, leave the bones kind of gal — and to Emma’s advice, I say” If it doesn’t apply, let it fly”. Her advice is for a specific kind of woman, the overambitious, the overzealous, the one who wants a fab life and is pretty much willing to do anything to get it. She’s one of us, and hell, even I was once her. While she may happen to be a hot, racially ambiguous woman, she’s been able to single-handedly build multi-billion dollar empires, with her well-connected husband as her lead investor, of course.

We don’t need to get our panties in a bunch — Emma Grede is a capitalist, and she’s not shy to admit that money is her motivation after growing up poor. But the reality is that a majority of Black women don’t have the same access and proximity to success that Emma’s privilege affords her. Nonetheless, her title does suggest that no matter what, we must start with ourselves, and that I can get jiggy with. Even those who were triggered or quite curious may pick up a copy of the book because, let’s face it, rage-baiting is a marketing technique.

She’s a smart cookie — or at least her PR team is, because even bad press is good press, which consequently leads to more sales, her overall goal. She for sure is goals to other women wishing to follow in her footsteps, but some of us are too blinded by her celebrity, looks, British accent, and status to clock what’s really tea (it’s giving very much Halo effect). If one thing’s for certain, two things are for sure: she’s not selling her exact method of success, she’s selling her identity. This advice is her personal lived experience, which unfortunately isn’t the reality for most.

Granted, she has a hustle mentality and hardworking spirit, but she’s also strategic, from her marriage to her celebrity-founded enterprises. Emma is stupendenous, but she does not represent Black women in totality, nor does she understand the experiences Black American women encounter in both corporate and entrepreneurship. She swiftly pivoted to a pedestal, whereas most of us have to start at the bottom of the totem. No matter how hard we work or how much we prioritize visibility, Black women in America are still overeducated, overqualified, and overworked while still being undervalued, underfunded, and underpaid, and that can’t go ignored.

it’s giving capitalism, but make it girlypop

In the mid-2010s, girl power, millennial pink, and empowerment brunches brought together women who bonded over unbridled ambition and the quest for founderhood. It was Alex Wolf who coined the shade of millennial pink paired with motivational quotes on our Instagram feeds under Boss Babe. Then, Sophia Amoruso, the founder of Nasty Gal, released her first tell-all, Girlboss, which would then define a new generation of female founders who’d aspire to become girlbosses too. Then it was Audrey Gelman who founded The Wing, a co-working space and millennial pink paradise for women, by women, raising over $117.5 million with a $365 million valuation. Rest When You’re Dead, Hustle & Grind, Booked & Busy and Team No Sleep had the HomeGoods mugs in a headlock.

Before you know it, female-founded businesses were booming, everywhere from online to offline, from our social media feeds to IRL linkups where girlbossing was served as the app, entree, and dessert. There’s no doubt that women are still facing gender inequalities within the workplace, from the pay gap to promotions. However, instead of eradicating the structures that oppress us, girlbossing became a band-aid solution to a pre-existing problem. You could bulldoze your way up the chain with enough grit and wit, and all you needed to do was work hard and sacrifice your sanity to have a seat at the big boys’ table (a bonus if you had a G-Wagon and a Shopify store). But what started as a movement quickly spiraled into toxic productivity and hustle culture — capitalism dressed in a feminist bow. And that, my friends, is what’s called neoliberal feminism.

Neoliberal feminism, by way of definition, emphasizes individual success such as financial independence, personal development, and career advancement. It suggests that women work harder or “lean in” to overcompensate for systemic barriers through mindset and unwavering ambition. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? While it does promote finding power within the system, it becomes a problem when it serves as the primary driver of equality rather than challenging the societal structures that affect marginalized groups. Instead of breaking the bounds of these limitations, women were urged to pursue relentless success without addressing unequal labor expectations, emotional labor, caregiving burdens, and discrimination. There’s a major gap here, as the girlboss lifestyle is mostly accessible to those who benefit over those impacted by intersectional deficits, such as race and class (to be clear here, feminism isn’t truly feminism if it doesn’t liberate all women).

And because of such, we watched girlboss culture crumble as quickly as it came in the midst of the 2020 BLM protests. Nasty Gal lived up to its name after several employees filed two lawsuits inciting toxic work conditions and discrimination. Sh*t hit the fan at The Wing when staff members who Flew the Coup came to social media and revealed that the millennial pink decor was a cover-up for the racism and poor working conditions towards BIPOC employees, resulting in Audrey Gelman stepping down as CEO. Jen Gotch stepped down after a former employee outted her for making prejudiced plantation jokes that led to her resignation as CCO at Ban.do. Almost overnight, we witnessed brands that went from women supporting women to women surviving <enter-toxic-workplace-here> documentaries.

But once COVID swept the the globe, the workforce slowed down, and millions of Americans went from working 9-5 and 5-to-grind to catching up with life, and that load of laundry that was put off for overtime. With the Grim Reaper lurking around every corner, death became inevitable, and time became more precious. Time with your loved ones, time with your significant other, time spent resting, and time picking up that childhood hobby again. We went from overworking to working from home, and just like that, girlboss culture fizzled out once we realized we went to great lengths to boss up just to burn out.

the harmful effects of the bossing up to burning out pipeline

You may have seen trending topics on your TikTok feed like nervous system regulation, cortisol face, and anti-inflammation dieting without the full context of where and why they popped up in your algorithm. One word — burnout. It quickly spread like wildfire after the collapse of the “girlboss” era, the catastrophe of toxic productivity and hustle culture that galvanized a generation of corporate baddies and female founders. The path to profit looked so promising that we abandoned the idea of an end goal, but never asked ourselves, “When do we stop playing the game?” We didn’t have time to celebrate our wins, big or small, because by the time we checked them off our to-do list, we’d already moved the goalpost.

Women receive less than 1% of funding, and Black women and WOC receive even less. Bootstrapping to scaling became ritualistic, and pimping out your values for a piece of VC a** started to feel cheap. During the 2020 pandemic, grants, resources, and capital were in abundance as long as you had Black-owned in your bio. Some of us were getting money left and right, while others cashed in on the boom from the visibility brought on by BLM and the George Floyd protests. As quickly as the cash came is as quickly as it dried up and suddenly those black boxes in solidarity went casper. We were already doing a lot more, yet working with a lot less, stressed, and I, along with many of my peers, burned out from girlbossing a little too close to the sun.

Burnout amongst women is simultaneously both a workplace issue and a cultural issue. At the peak of the girlboss era, women were influenced to believe that they could have it all by maxxing every domain in their lives all at once — the perfect career, the perfect skincare routine, the perfect personal brand, and even the perfect relationship. Women stopped pursuing and started performing, a result modeled after hyper-productivity, social media standards, and self-optimization, opposed to sustainability and self-care. The 2024 Gallup Workplace report found that women consistently report higher levels of emotional exhaustion than men, especially those who hold leadership positions, with 31% of women who say they “very often” or “always” feel burned out at work in comparison to 23% of men.

A recent McKinsey and LeanIn.org report, a non-profit by Sheryl Sandberg, reveals that burnout amongst senior-level women is at the highest it’s been in the past five years, with 60% who’ve frequently felt burnt out over the last few months in a 2025 Women in the Workplace study. The blame? The pressure to prove themselves good enough to join the Boy Scouts. Aside from dealing with constant stress at work, they then come home and pick up another shift of unpaid overtime as partners, parents, and/or caregivers, and don’t they dare drop the ball.

Black women, on the other hand, experience burnout on a more profound scale in comparison to their peers as Black women navigate the double-whammy of navigating both gender and racial bias that plague us on our professional paths. Code-switching, racial microaggressions, isolation, tokenism, being too quiet, or being targeted for shining too bright can trigger psychological and physiological stress in the long run. The “Superwoman Schema”, a conceptual framework developed by psychologist Cheryl L. Woods-Giscombé, describes the tension felt by high-achieving Black women to overexcel and overproduce despite enduring extreme levels of exhaustion from self-sacrifice and overexertion. The Strong Black woman cliché lives up to its stereotype — the inherited burden of having to work twice as hard to be seen as twice as good, if that, and studies correlate this chronic stress with higher rates of anxiety, fatigue, insomnia, hypertension, and heart disease.

@shesthatbrittIf it doesn’t apply, let it fly. Emma Grede’s advice works for a specific kind of woman, and not everyone will relate. Need not to mention that working hard, and visibility politics garners different result especially for women with Black American roots. Listen, regardless of whichever route you choose, please choose your self preservation above all. Choose the path that can optimize your healthiest self. Emma hasn’t said anything new, in fact it’s recycled adage advice we’ve heard time and time again in during the Girlboss and TechBro eras, so the public stoning isn’t necessary. However, as women we need to stop using the excuse “Well, men do it all of the time”, baby we ARE NOT MEN. We burn out easier, we’re wired differently biologically. And most of all why are we further pushing for the contribution of patriarchal, capitalistic beliefs to reap the same benefits as white men? If there’s one thing I know for A FENDI FACT, is that I love being a woman, specifically a Black woman. I want the kind of wealth that accumulates from my magic, my pussy power, love, and rest, not the kind that exploits people and puts my body on a sacrificial cross. #fyp #girlboss #business #entrepreneur #founder

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Chronic stress is also linked to inflammation in the body, which may contribute to the acceleration of autoimmune diseases, depression, hormonal dysregulation, and cardiovascular conditions, according to researchers. Data from the National Institutes of Health discovered that nearly 4 out of every 5 people diagnosed with autoimmune diseases are women, with a whopping 50 million Americans living with autoimmune conditions nationwide. Conditions such as Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis, scleroderma, lupus, and Sjögren’s syndrome affect women up to 9 times higher than men, with factors such as hormones, chronic stress, and immunodeficiency all playing a role.

With more ambitious women sharing their cautionary tales about burnout and the parallel boom of the wellness industry, we are collectively witnessing a shift away from hustle and girlboss culture, with micro-trends like lazy girl jobs, pink collar jobs, and living the soft life sweeping our algorithms. Content now consists of rest, softness, boundaries, nervous system regulation, quiet quitting, and intentional living — all direct responses to “leaning in”. Society is slowly turning away from the cultural glorification of hyper-productivity and being “booked and busy” by rejecting the concept that women must sacrifice their sanity to earn their humanity.

healing my relationship with ambition by co-conspiriting with aspiration

Somewhere in between discovering my purpose through creative freelancing, I too sipped the girlboss Kool-Aid. I wanted to have it all, and I went to great lengths to get to the bag, even if it meant sacrificing sleep, holding my pee to get a little more work done, or skipping a doctor’s appointment to take a meeting. Mo’ money, mo’ problems, and the more I centered work, the less I centered myself. And because the body keeps score, I f*cked around and found out what happens when you put your company over your well-being. I had my first experience with burnout in 2020, then again in 2022, and then once more in 2025 when I got fired from my senior corporate role.

I don’t think I truly recovered the first time around, and I’ve probably been reinitiating the cycle over and over again, seeing that burnout can last anywhere between a few weeks and five years. I’d stop and start the cycle anytime I thought I mustered up enough ambition to move forward with a new business strategy, only to become exhausted by launch. I didn’t openly talk about my struggles until 2022, and launched Not So CEO as my form of resistance. The moment I shared my battle with burnout publicly, friends and peers from across industries joined in on the conversation and also shared their silent struggles. The one-woman machines holding on by a thread, the ambitious woman suddenly diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, the bootstrapper making a dollar out of fifteen cents.

When your ambition isn’t properly budgeted, then the price you’ll pay will be deducted from your livelihood, be it mentally, physically, or financially. In a world that celebrates the ambitious girl, I rarely see conversations about the dark side of ambition that comes at a cost. We see the meetups, the conferences, the glow-up content, the books, and the circles, but what about the aftercare required from years of overworking that a day at the spa can’t cure? What happens when you lose your spark? What happens when you’re no longer in love with the life you thought you once wanted, that you worked so hard for? The issue with girlboss culture is that it doesn’t leave room for nuance; everything is concrete, black, and white with no space to exist in the in-between. There’s no room for women to be both vulnerable and detached, soft and hard, restful and hardworking, winning and failing.

As a native New Yorker, I was born into the hustle and grind of the concrete jungle. By the time I was 16, I landed a full-time job as a sales associate at American Apparel (Remember the disco leggings?). Nearly every day after school, I’d hop on the train from East New York to the Lower East Side and clock in for my shift, 3:30 to 11 pm on a school night. We’d have to close the store, which took anywhere between an additional 1-2 hours, before riding the train back to Brooklyn in the wee hours of the morning, only to get up and get ready for class in less than a few hours. That summer, I got promoted to visual merchandiser, which to me felt like the luckiest thing to happen to a teenager. I was addicted to making my own money, I was addicted to the freedom, and I couldn’t stop. It became my new normal to work full-time, attend school full-time, and intern on the side.

My appetite for success grew with each role, the new skills I learned, and bigger titles. By the time I became a full-time entrepreneur, I was already prepped and primed to grind relentlessly. Growing up in a Black American and Caribbean household, there’s no such thing as being lazy. If you came home with a 98 on your test, you’d hear “What happened to the other two points?” before you heard a “Good job!” because being a hard worker wasn’t a bonus; it was expected. Rest was a concept that was completely foreign to me; I confused it with laziness. I thought that productivity was measured by being booked and busy, the number of clients I had, and the amount of money I made.

The problem was that my ambition became my personality. It was everywhere, from my content to my daily conversations. It made my decisions, it made my choices, and curated my friend circles. I wore my ambition on my sleeve, and apparently, it was the most interesting thing about me, or so I thought. Now, ambition itself isn’t inherently a bad thing; the shadow side of making ambition your personality is that your self-worth, self-esteem, identity, and emotional safety become dependent on achievement. You may even trick yourself into believing that you need to earn rest, fun, or leisure because pausing is equivalent to falling behind. You feel pressured to always “be on”, produce, stay visible, or stay ahead of the curve, which makes it difficult to exist in the present because you’re too busy living in a future that hasn’t even happened yet.

To avoid running myself into the ground or running up a hospital bill, I decided to alchemize my ambition into aspiration. Whereas ambition is what you want to have or do, aspiration focuses on who you want to be. Alchemizing my ambition into aspiration means shifting away from chasing success for validation, survival, or approval towards curating a life that feels aligned, intentional, and sustainable. Ambition asks, “How much can I accomplish?” but aspiration asks, “Who do I want to become?” Aspiration still encapsulates achievement and success, but instead is rooted in purpose, fulfillment, and personal values, rather than pressure or comparison. It cultivates space for rest, relationships, creativity, joy, and gratitude, whereas success becomes an extension of self-expression rather than proof of your self-worth.

a few things you can do to live a more aspiring life, not just an ambitious one:

1. Treat rest as a form of productivity, not a reward.

Treating rest as a form of productivity instead of something you have to earn gives your body the time, space, and permission to recalibrate. You don’t need to work extra hours, overproduce, or overextend yourself in order to deem yourself worthy of rest. Recharging your battery is work too, and it’s probably some of the most important work you’ll do in order to consistently show up and have the capacity to do more, let alone what’s on your plate already. Rest can look like napping, meditating, stretching, or giving your brain a break to slow down in a busy world. In all, resting is a form of productivity that you should never shame yourself for indulging in. The early bird gets the worm, and how can you ever catch the worm if you’re staying up past your bedtime?

2. Channel stress through movement as a form of success.

As a gym baddie, I can’t stress enough how much movement feels as good as an orgasm (I can attest this to stretching). More than anything, it’s trained my mind against the Mental Olympics. When you’re locked in on counting seconds, reps, and sets, you don’t have time to think about how your boss has you f*cked up. By the time you’ve finished a set, you’ve done some of the work of transmuting your stress into success. Day by day, your body changes, but so does your mind and the way you see the world.

Moving your body on a consistent schedule, whether through weight training, barre, Pilates, or deep stretching, fosters a regular somatic practice of processing and releasing stress and pent-up emotions to keep your energy free-flowing and rhythmic. The hard part is showing up, and when you finally choose to show up for yourself physically, you’ll consequently sprinkle that energy to other areas in your life, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, and financially. Being your body’s biggest champion through working out proves to your mind that you, in fact, can do hard things, and no matter how big or small, it’s worth celebrating.

3. Create as an outlet instead of just creating for consumption.

Creating for consumption, opposed to creating for enjoyment, is a form of restriction and doesn’t allow space for play, discovery, testing, and experimentation. When you create for consumption, you may hold yourself to impossible standards of perfection, and that’s if you’re brave enough to even get started. We create for capital, for comparison, and social media metrics that can make or break our self-esteem. Not everything you create needs to be criticized under a microscopic lens. Give yourself grace to create things people may never see, create for your self-fulfillment, and share when the time is right. Sometimes we need to love what we create fully before releasing it in the world to be picked apart. Sometimes we need privacy to paint what we wouldn’t in public or say what we want to say in private. When the time is right, share it without the need for validation, because your creativity isn’t exemplary of your value.

4. Focus on becoming 1% better.

I read Atomic Habits by James Clear back in 2021, and its teachings have stuck with me since. The entire premise of the book theorizes that small daily shifts can have a momentous impact by being consistently better with just 1% improvement. Of course, in theory, 1% isn’t a lot by measure, but if practiced by just giving 1% of your energy, it can eventually expand into 100% in due time. Typically, when we want to make big changes in our lives, the lists can be overwhelming, considering what we want to do versus what we need to, and before you know it, we haven’t done anything at all.

Being 1% better allows us to eat the elephant by taking bite at a time instead of standing on the sidelines fathoming how you’re going to eat in one bite. If you want to start working out, start with just moving for 5 minutes instead of committing to an hour. If you want to become better at graphic design, start with Canva if that’s all you have access to (Don’t come for me, Adobe warriors). It’s better to get started with 1% instead of staying stuck at zero because even your smallest effort will progressively compound with consistency.

5. Separate your value from your job title.

I promise I’m not coming for the gworls when I say this: Please take your past employees out of your Instagram bio. Out of all of the extraordinary things to wonder about you, you’d rather give credit for your awesomeness to your employer? I promise the least interesting thing about you is where you’ve worked; we want to know who you are. The artist, the wordsmith, the Renaissance woman — who are you and what are you building? What is your mission, and what are you here to do? And that, in my opinion, is more expansive than any LinkedIn resume could ever calculate. You are not your role, because even if you lose your title, you’re still the same genius that landed the job in the first place. Your role is not indicative of your self-worth, and although letting people know about your year stint at VOGUE for social cred looks cool, I promise your personal style, your thoughts, and self-expression are ten times cooler than a title could ever tattle-tale.

Thank you for reading Frm: A Not So CEO — my name is Brittany Antoinette, and I write about the work in progress between who we were taught to be and who we actually are. Over the past decade, I’ve creative directed for entrepreneurs and dreamers with big ideas to develop groundbreaking brands across beauty and wellness, and now I help them become the creative directors of their own lives.

I work with creatives, thinkers, and founders who want to build self-centered lives so they can heal, create, and lead without losing themselves. For deeper work, tools, and exercises, consider upgrading your subscription to get access to the entire vault. To work with me 1:1, book an officehrs session to get your ideas out of your head and out into the world.

xx,

B

Brittany Antoinette

Founder, Not So CEO

Image from TLC’s music video, Unpretty

Is it just me, or is everyone trying to look the same? Every living room is bland and beige, and faces look slightly more feline, with facial balancing being the new trend saturating our timelines. A world once sparked by individuality is now overrun by homogeneity from the same bouclé cloud couches to buccal fat jawlines twice removed. The moment social media went from a sharing space to a performance platform, we witnessed creative expression evolve into “do it for the gram.”

“No filter” became a badge of honor in the internet olympics, signifying elitism for showing your natural mug without Paris or Tokyo as a cover-up. There’s a fine line between editing and self-erasure, one holding on by a sliver of integrity and bordering the unrealistic beauty standards that have plagued our personal perception of what it means to be beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with a tweak, a touch-up, or with giving yourself golden-hour lighting to take your photo from drab to fab. But where is the line drawn between enhancing your features and completely altering them?

we’re too far gone from the flower crown filter

A few weeks ago, my feed was in shambles as we witnessed the digital decapitation of model Tatiana Elizabeth by influencer Lauren Blake. Elizabeth logged onto social media one morning to find Blake’s head on her body, decked out in the same cropped polo, a tennis skirt, a green-and-white striped cardigan, and a green Louis Vuitton Papillon bag under her arm, which she wore at the US Open just two years prior. She took to the internet and called Blake out immediately, bringing forth attention to a bigger problem beyond a few editing tool tweaks.

Blake blamed it on an AI content system used by her agency and issued an apology, taking full accountability for the mishap. Decapitating the head of a Black woman at the US Open two years before just to cosplay like you’re at a function for social credibility? Yikes. Was this an innocent mistake or a hint towards a phenomenon intrinsically linking status quo, beauty standards, and body dysmorphia? The evolution of social media has some users striving for perfection, a curated digital world filled with palm trees and destination vacations without a hair out of place.

With a snap of AI, we can visit places we’ve never been, shrink a few sizes, or opt for full-blown rhinoplasty. We’ve gone from flower crowns and touch-up tools to apps that can give you a BBL minus the surgery table. Social validation has people craving for attention, even at the cost of self-erasure, molding themselves into popularized caricatures just so they can fit in. It’s unlikely that we’ll shift away from the pressures of maintaining a picturesque photo feed anytime soon, but what if instead of erasing ourselves to fit in, we opted for self-enhancement to stand out?

are you not photogenic, or do you just not using a photo editing app?

Too many times before I’ve heard friends and strangers alike shy away from the camera and say, “Oh no, I’m just not photogenic”. I don’t know who tricked humans into believing that if you’re not a supermodel or conventionally attractive, you couldn’t take a good picture. For one, let’s start with the fact that the iPhone camera makes us appear uglier than we actually are (joking… partly). Believe it or not, even supermodels don’t look the way they do — it’s a job that requires skills, skills that typically can be learned. Like how to smize, pose, perfect your RBF or take selfies that slay your timeline every time.

The finished product that we typically see in photos and videos is the work of photographers and retouchers. There will always be times when the lighting isn’t always perfect, or maybe there’s a hair out of place, or a pimple that made an appearance during your special time of the month. Photo-editing is an integral part of post-production to improve photo quality, maintain the integrity of the art, and the essence captured. There is absolutely nothing wrong with editing an image to enhance your features — to brighten up the space or smooth out a bad breakout.

In fact, it’s pretty essential to most professional photos, so why not turn a bad picture day into a great one with a photo editing app? Say goodbye to the days of editing your images through a $69 monthly subscription and hello to FaceApp, your photo album’s newest best friend. FaceApp’s mission is to help everyday people feel more beautiful and confident in their photos, minus the filters. They stand on business by prioritizing enhancements over transformations — natural, subtle edits so you can look like the best version of yourself, and not like everyone else. Because FaceApp doesn’t promote unrealistic beauty standards or heavy retouching, they give you simple tools to highlight what was already there.

my bad picture days are now my good picture days

Bad pictures deserve to see the light of day, but once upon a time, they stayed stowed away in my photo album, never to be seen again. There is nothing worse than having an almost good photo. You know, the one that you thought was a great picture until you noticed the garbage in the background, the poor lighting, or the strangers that just so happened to be walking by? Unfortunately, I have too many to count, but not until I caved in and used FaceApp to bring them out of hiding. There I was, in the most beautiful bathroom I’ve seen at Printemps in FiDi, decked in olive green marble from floor to ceiling.

I figured there was absolutely no way I could leave without taking a selfie there, and that I did. It wasn’t until I got on the train and swiped through every flick that I realized that there was a toilet tissue holder and a visible pantyline that kept this image from being great. I knew it could be rescued, but how without being a professional? But alas, here comes FaceApp to save the day. First, I used the “Remover” tool to get rid of the toilet tissue holder with ease and then I used the “Retouch” feature to hide my pantyline. Lastly, I used “Adjustments” to tweak the lighting to appear more vibrant so I could pop from the background.

In the next original photo, I recognized how the dark lighting cast shadows on my face, making my cheek contour a bit sharper despite being blended IRL. I started with using the “Smooth” feature on Level 1 to soften my cheekbones and blend out the contour line. Next, I followed up by using the Blur” tool’ to smooth out the shadows around the marionette lines near my mouth. I wanted to brighten up the photo, so I used the “Adjustments” tool again to make some final touches to the lighting by adjusting the brightness, contrast, temperature, and saturation.

It’s pretty insane that I almost didn’t post these pictures because of a few mishaps that could’ve easily been corrected with a touch of a few buttons. I look great, I feel great, and most importantly, I was able to look exactly like myself with simple editing that took my pictures up a few notches. So the next time you think you’re having a bad picture day, remember, you don’t have to throw it away forever into the abyss of your photo album. Chances are that your photos can be saved, and sometimes it just needs a little fixing. But I’d love to hear your thoughts — how do you feel about photo editing apps, and will you be giving FaceApp a try? Let me know in the comments.

xx

B

—

Brittany Antoinette

Founder, Not So CEO

My friends always wondered why I took things so seriously.

I’m pretty well known for having a sense of urgency to get sh*t done.

With the way I move, my last name could be Action-Jackson.

I’m a pusher — I push people, I push myself.

It annoys my friends, family, and trust me, I know, because I annoy myself.

I’m a little more than ambitious, and this is because I live like I’m going to die tomorrow.

Not in the spiritual woo-woo kind of way to uplift you, or on a toxic, fear-mongering motivational speech type wave.

More like that deep satisfaction in knowing that I lived my life the way I wanted to.

To die knowing I did everything I wanted to do.

And why yes, I do suffer from occasional anxiety from time to time because I live my life as if I’m running out of time.

When you have a near-death experience, you realize that maybe there is something to live for.

I wanted to live for me.

Not because anyone told me what or who to live for.

I didn’t want to die.

So I was saved.

It was the summer I turned nine, just weeks after my birthday, and my first experience with death before nearly experiencing my own.

School just let out, and my report card was less than satisfactory.

The third grade was weird, and I struggled a lot.

It was my second year in Alert, NYC’s GATE program for gifted and talented students.

There was a higher expectation of me, and it grew with each level.

Not from my parents, they assumed I’d have it handled, but from my teachers, and I had to perform.

I mean, wasn’t I supposed to?

I was gifted and talented, but I was also struggling to keep up.

I wasn’t the child who did their homework because I was supposed to.

I was the child who created because she had time, or I at least thought I did.

My brain worked differently.

I mean, sure, it could store encyclopedia loads of information like the capitals of 50 states and college-level vocabulary.

But it identified patterns, it saw things beyond the human eye.

It created from the ethers.

From nothing to something.

Magic.

That was also the year I stopped doing my homework.

I mean, I knew it was because no one would find out; they didn’t have the time to check.

Looking back, it feels like a blur.

But as an adult, I know my spark was fading.

My fire was burning out, and no one noticed.

I remember feeling sad, forlorn.

I remember learning that word in the third grade.

I don’t remember that Christmas, but I remember that birthday.

I was born on the last day of school to two teenagers who were still children themselves on June 26th.

I didn’t see my father too much that year, but he popped up with a new girlfriend the day I turned nine.

She bought me a beautiful, limited edition Black Barbie and my first big girl bike, a two-wheeler.

Ten minutes spent, and then they’re off.

My mother was doing her best; she was just a girl.

She was right beside me every year I blew my candles out; she never left my side.

Days later, my maternal grandmother, Mary-Ann, passed.

We were to fly to Jamaica for her funeral in a few weeks.

We hadn’t met before.

I didn’t know too much about her back then as I do now.

She was born in Saint Elizabeth Parish, Jamaica.

She had four children, two boys and two girls.

She was an Aries; her daughter, my grandmother, also an Aries.

She was an activist.

She was brave.

She fought for her life.

She picked up her life and moved to London by boat, the Windrush generation.

She was the first to leave.

Years later, my great-grandfather would follow, then my grandmother, then my aunt.

She hated the cold; she missed home.

So she go back a yard in her old years.

She left again.

She took her last breaths in paradise.

Colon cancer, lived to see 87.

It was the first time I lost a relative, and it was my first funeral.

Her daughter, my grandmother Vivienne, couldn’t make it.

By this time, her MS had gotten worse, and traveling long distances took a toll on her.

I knew it hurt her.

It was my first time out of the country, back when all you needed was a birth certificate to fly.

Back when you could fly AirJamaica, and your breakfast was Ackee and Saltfish, and your lunch was Curry Chicken and white rice.

We got to Kingston late; it was my first time at a hotel.

I remember meeting new aunts, uncles, and cousins I hadn’t met before.

But we were all familiar through our middle names, Marie and Antoinette.

Shaina Marie, Sandra Marie, Dyane Marie, Donna Marie.

Tracy Antoinette, Vivienne Antoinette, Brittany Antoinette — me.

Mary-Ann, my great-grandmother.

The day of her funeral, we went to a church.

Plenty of hollering, hooping.

Hooping and hollering.

The family in Jamaica wore white.

The family from the States wore black.

They didn’t know.

I had on a light blue dress with flowers, the same dress I wore for class pictures that school year.

I was the odd one out.

Everyone dressed in their white and navy French Toast uniform, and there I was with my little light blue dress with flowers.

We drove to the cemetery, and the dirt was unlike anything I’d seen before.

It was red clay, and it dirtied up my white sandals.

On the way back to the hotel, I stopped on the side of the road and picked some duppy seeds.

In Jamaican folklore, we call ghosts and spirits “duppy”.

When you put the seeds in water, they pop.

My cousins warned me, but I liked playing with fire.

I filled up the hotel sink with water and tossed in the seeds.

We watched them pop, a faint smoke filling the air.

Magic.

I left and went to the pool with my cousins.

The adults were on the patio, chatting in the yonder.

It was just us three, then us two.

We wanted to play Marco Polo, and I was Marco.

With my eyes closed, I took one fateful step from 4 feet into 8.

I sank to the bottom like an anchor, unfilled potential weighing me down.

Time slowed down, I went up, I went down.

My arms swung in a battle against gravity as I bobbed and weaved for air.

I was losing, my body getting slower, getting weaker.

I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t get in trouble again.

I couldn’t die — we just buried my great-grandmother.

I started seeing a light; the blurry sun from above began to turn white.

And before I took my last breath, I was pulled towards the light and out of the water.

I was saved.

My cousin Robert saved me.

God saved me.

The day I gained an angel was the day I got a second chance at life.

Magic.

The adults were about 20 feet away, still immersed in their conversation.

Good.

I was safe, I didn’t cause trouble.

We got in the elevator and swore we wouldn’t tell our parents.

I buried that memory deep in my brain.

I don’t remember much of my life before then — my memories are foggy.

But that day, something in me changed.

I died and came back to life.

I entered the water and emerged as someone new.

I did well in school that year.

I stopped fucking around.

I don’t f*ck around.

Because I f*cked around and found out.

And all I knew in that moment was that I didn’t want to die.

We always think we have more time.

That there’s always tomorrow.

If you acted like you didn’t have until tomorrow, you’d live life differently.

A little braver, a little fuller.

Witnessing death is one thing, but having a near-death experience is life-altering — it altered my brain chemistry.

Cheating death taught me that you don’t always have one more day and I looked at life differently from that day on.

You live every day; you only die once.

I want to live.

I want to live every day.

So I go for things; I shoot for the moon because I would never want to die knowing I was too scared to chase my dreams while living.

It’s why I’m so unapologetic in my aliveness and in my suffering.

It’s why I take risks.

It’s why I dance — because my grandmother couldn’t, and I shake my ass in her honor.

I live for my ancestors, so their spirit lives on.

I pour my libations by shooting for the stars, for their sacrifices weren’t made in vain.

Wouldn’t you rather die smiling because you lived your life with joy while you were alive, instead of sulking in regret that you didn’t choose to live at all?

Wishing in those moments on your very last breath that you would've chosen to live while you were still alive?

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do differently?

Would you live life with more color?

Would you color outside the lines?

What would you leave behind?

Would you take that leap?

Would you take that chance?

Would you get in the game or would you sit on the sidelines?

Would you play by the rules?

Or would you break them because they aren’t fair?

The rules aren’t fear.

Life isn’t fear.

They say the richest place in the world is the cemetery, because it’s where unfulfilled dreams go to die.

So the next time you ask me how to get sh*t done, now you’ll understand why I say act like you’re going to die tomorrow.

I haven’t shared this part of my lore with most people; I hadn’t even told my best friends until recently.

In fact, my mother didn’t find out until I was a teenager.

Not only because I didn’t want to be banned from the pool, but also banned from living my life the way I wanted to, and that was a life without fear.

I didn’t want her to live in fear; I didn’t want her to lose her daughter.

Last year, I told myself the next time I’m in the South of France, I’d be able to jump off a boat and swim into the ocean.

Coincidentally, my aunt randomly signed me up on a waitlist for swim classes at my local rec center last month.

I got in — I start swim classes in two weeks, wish me luck.

I’m going to be a great swimmer.

This essay is dedicated to my great-grandmother, Mary-Ann, and my cousin, Robert.

To my grandmother art thou in heaven — mi spirit nuh dead yet.

Fear will never stop me from living.

Your love for life lives on through me.

To my cousin Robert — I wouldn’t be here without you.

I love you.

Happy Easter Sunday.

He is risen, he has risen indeed.

And so will we.

xx,

B

—

Brittany Antoinette

This post is too long for email, please view on the Substack app or desktop ✨

Whew, and another one bites the dust. Imagine thinking you found a soulmate in a friend. Someone cut from the same cloth. Someone who just gets you, supports you. Someone to hang out with, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, until you realize that maybe you weren’t friends at all. The phone rang more when you were available for brain-picking than to casually hang out and bond over shared interests. Not to your surprise, you were a resource, a dot connector.

Someone who boosted their social capital so they could enter the rooms and get the sign-off for being ‘cool people’. Someone who helped build their network by introducing them to everyone in yours, because that’s what friends are for. But to them, you were never a friend — you were a casualty on the climb to the social media hall of fame. Sometimes the friendships we think we’ve been building look a lot more like mentorship, and everyone’s in a race to get to the top.

becoming a content creator or influencer is the new celebrity

During a recent convo, I aired out my grievances on the shift of NYC culture, the creator economy, and gatekeeping.“It feels hard to make friends in New York because everyone here wants to be famous”. In agreement, they followed up, “New York is the new LA”. I recognized the shift when I went to social gatherings and dreaded the next question that typically followed after introducing myself: “So what do you do?” Your existence was no longer based on being human; your value was based on how you could be utilized, who you knew, and where you worked.

The Big Apple has always been known not only for its hustle and bustle, but for its authenticity that blooms through every concrete crack and crevice. When we think of NYC culture, we think of the raw, the gritty, and the grimey. We think of the people who’ll brush past you on a morning commute, but are even quicker to help a stranger with a stroller down a flight of stairs in a heartbeat. We think of the melting pot of cultures that make it hot, spicy, and unique, a bubbling cauldron of language, foods, and sauce that make this city one of one.

When you think of LA on the other hand, pictures of the Hollywood sign and stars in the sidewalks may take up pictures in your mind. Red carpets, mansion parties, perfect tits, and the picture-perfect flicks. In LA, you fake it till you make it, from your looks to your friend groups, latching on to anything and anyone who could help you get your next big break. Regardless of where you live, the stakes are the same; people are now using social media as a way to fast-track themselves to fame. It’s like no matter where you turn, everyone wants to be a content creator or an influencer because they’re celebrity adjacent without the requirement of needing a skill, talent, or expertise. All you need to do is look the part or look like you know what you’re doing.

New Yorkers have a running joke that we aren’t impressed by celebrities because we are the celebrities, but things shifted once social media transformed into a marketing platform. The creator economy slowly took over our algorithms, and brands began to pay to play. Long gone are the days of working hard and getting by based on talent and merit. In today’s day and age, you need social currency to gain access to the rooms gatekept behind optics and a 100K follower count.

Between the influx of transplants and the romanticization of Sex and the City, the culture that once kept this city alive is being drowned out by TikTok reviews, gentrification, and a community built on proximity, privilege, and performance. Intimate moments with companions are quelled by aesthetics, from homophilic friend groups to the restaurant with the best backdrop to keep your feed fed. If the evening isn’t ending in a content moment, your chances of hanging out are slim to none. Here, some people become your friends not for the comfort of community but out of convenience to climb the social ladder. Nowadays, it’s f*ck friendship and f*ck you, pay me.

community is no longer based on connection — it’s built on convenience and commoditization

It was 2016 when the girlboss era hit, and everyone was bitten by the entrepreneur bug. We went from flooding the timeline with filtered photos of yesterday’s matcha latte to curated photoshoots and posting “content”, a word that would be responsible for shaping the social media landscape we know today. Stories, words, art, and expertise were umbrellaed into the digital ecosystems — interwoven into a web of lead funnels and recycled ChatGPT.pdf freebies. Way back when you couldn’t pay for a blue check; you earned it to validate your influence based on who you were IRL and URL. Your next big break was banked on who you knew and access to the right rooms. Everybody wanted a seat at the table and a slice of the entrepreneurial pie that granted you fame, fortune, and a loyal band of followers.

Feeds flushed in millennial pink and women’s empowerment brunches hosted by reformed mean girls selling a dollar and a dream. The promise of being a girlboss — the glitz, the glam, the brand partnerships, the stages, and the popularity felt out of reach for some, but to others was accessible through the power of community. A name on the list that could get you into the party, an introduction to the influencer who was your online big sis, or the connection to get access to high-paying clients so you could finally say goodbye to your 9-5.

To have community, you need to be an active community member, which sometimes requires sacrifice. Showing up even when you don’t feel like it or even giving when you don’t have much left to give. Community can be fulfilling once you’ve found your your tribe. On the flipside, it can sometimes be extractive of your time, energy, and resources if you haven’t drawn a solid line between your empathy and your mental health. But nowadays there’s a price of entry, usually accompanied by a panel of speakers reciting adage advice like “You can do it” in between cold waffles and mimosas.

We went from casual hangouts, chilling in the living room, to scheduled co-working dates and content days. If it didn’t make dollars, then it didn’t make sense to be associated with someone who couldn’t help you make your next best move. Friendships became strategically curated, and networking events turned into the club, a playground to collect numbers to see who’d let you hit first.

And those on the receiving end? Staying on the phone for hours listening to their ideas. Clocking in after hours to consult on their latest brand campaign. Making an introduction to the right people in the right spaces. Adding them as a +1 to accompany you into the rooms they couldn’t get into. All because that’s what “friends” do — we lift each other up as we climb.

People stopped forming community for connection, and started forming community for convenience and commoditization. Before, it was easy to identify opportunists and use discernment to move accordingly. Today, some will go to the extent of faking friendships to kickstart their social climb to the top. Your value is determined by what you do, who you know, and how you can potentially be of use to elevate their career or expand their social circle.

But what they failed to mention is that their friendship is conditional. You’re a “friend” as long as you’re useful. Pouring into yourself takes away from the time you could spend pouring into them, and why would they want that? Of course, we’re here to be of service in our own special ways, but it’s important to have relationships that are reciprocally yoked. You can’t always be the only one pouring into your connections, or else you’d have to go great lengths to pour back into you.

I miss the days when you could bond with strangers over shared passions and not your mutual followers. When people invested in who you were and not what you did before deciding to invest in building a relationship, let alone continuing the conversation. Social climbing is at an all-time high, and the need for human connection is at an all-time low because so many people are operating in survival mode to secure the bag, even at the expense of your companionship.

parasocial relationships and the fan-to-frenemy pipeline

Before we dive into the fan-to-frenemy pipeline, let’s break down parasocial relationships and how they impact our connections, or lack thereof. By way of Psychology Today, Parasocial Relationships are defined as “one-sided relationships in which a person develops a strong sense of connection, intimacy, or familiarity with someone they don’t know, most often celebrities or media personalities.” As our timeline progressed, the gap between fans and the famous narrowed, deepening the falsified closeness between one party and the next.

Before social media, we had Wendy Williams serving piping-hot tea from the comfort of our living rooms. Reruns of VH1’s The Fabulous Life and MTV Cribs gave viewers a sliver of the champagne lifestyle celebs lived. E! Fashion Police and People Magazine gave us access to see who was wearing what, while the Enquirer and tabloids dished the rumours before the blogs broke the internet. Traditional media gave us front row seats to the lives of the rich and famous, but the evolution of social media gives us a backstage pass.

Read more

🖋️ Editor’s Note

For one, showing up right now feels so wrong for so many reasons, considering the country’s on fire and the entire world is watching. My original plan was to send out the Feel’d Guide Sunday morning, but I felt like it would feel forced when, truly, I’m feeling frustrated, fatigued, and fearful for what tomorrow will look like. My heart goes out to anyone who’s been affected by the atrocities witnessed on television and our social media feeds. In some ways, I feel like I’m reliving 2016 and 2020 all over again until I remember that this has been my reality growing up in NYC. Being only 8 years old when Amadou Diallo was murdered and 15 when it happened to Sean Bell.

Millennials have been living on edge since 9/11, and so have our nervous systems, crippling anxiety popping out of nowhere, and you can’t quite point your finger on exactly why. But I also know that right now isn’t the time to be silent or complicit in what’s happening around us. Sometimes, acts of activism can look like what we’re currently watching on our TV screens. It can look like resting, writing a poem, a song, or a dance. It can look like starting a business to serve the needs of those who’ve been forgotten or educating the next generation of future leaders and thinkers.

Historically, art has always been a form of activism, from paintings and sculptures to music and cinema. From artists like Public Enemy to Aretha Franklin, Bob Marley, James Baldwin, Michael Jackson, and Spike Lee. In times of strife and struggle, people have always turned to their inner world when outside is on fire. Not only is it the safest thing to do, but it’s also the bravest. How dare you find joy and whimsy when people are dying? How dare you create a piece of heaven on earth when they make it hell? While you may not be able to control what happens tomorrow, you can control how you feel today. You can do it right now; you don’t need permission to find peace in the midst of chaos.

Now I’m not one for a toxic positivity trope, so I’m not going to hit you with any woo-woo bullsh*t like everything’s going to be okay, but what I will tell you is that stressing, crying, kicking, and screaming will cripple your concern. Whenever you’re ready, you can tap into your personal power to alchemize your emotions; that anger, that grief, and sadness to fuel your creative expression. Whichever medium you choose is your prerogative, but first you must rest, recenter, and refine. This month’s Feel’d Guide is my way of holding myself accountable by trying in public. Aside from using my own frameworks and documenting my finds, I hope this inspires you to do the same without pressure and way less effort.

Welcome to a rough draft of my work in progress.

xx,

B

What’s Inside 👀

• 🧭 Intro to the Feel’d Guide: January Issue 001 — Rest, Recenter, Refine

• ❄️ Seasonal Shift: Winter Solstice Syllabus

• 🎧 Feel’d Trip: OOO — Vol. I

• 🗒️ Feel’d Notes: What I’m observing, learning, and noticing in real time

• 🔮 The Forecast: Late January-Mid February

• ✍🏽 Work In Progress: What I’m actively working through this month

• 🧪 Feel’d Work: A preview of upcoming Feel’d Work to work through Jan-Feb.

• 📚 Reading List: Optional supportive text, not homework

🧭 Intro to The Feel’d Guide

Less teaching, more self-study — The Feel’d Guide is my monthly manual, where I document my work in progress: what I’m observing, questioning, experimenting with, and how I’m thinking, moving, working, and creating for the season. It’s my personal creative brief for setting the tone for the month ahead: what’s in the air, what’s worth paying attention to, and how to move through it with more intention and grace. At its core, The Feel’d Guide is about focus. It helps you budget your energy, name what actually matters this month, and move through life, work, and creativity with more audacity, curiosity, and clarity without rushing yourself into another reinvention.

Every issue will be followed by Feel’d Work, a self-study companion designed to invite play, exploration, and experimentation wherever you are on your journey; whether you’re a freelancer or corporate creative, leader, maker, or thinker. Feel’d Work offers tools, prompts, and perspective shifts instead of homework — along with permission to slow down, ask better questions, and try something new. Truth be told, you don’t need a perfect plan; you need to go out into the field to observe, explore, and acquire the audacity to design the life you’re capable of creating. This guide is meant to be used as a resource and reference point instead of being consumed in one sitting. Let it marinate, digest, and go at your own pace.

Seasonal Shift: The Winter Solstice Syllabus ❄️

Winter begins at the Winter Solstice (around December 21) and carries us through late March, just before spring officially begins. Seasonal rhythms are felt differently by everyone. Personal circumstances and internal cycles shape how this time shows up. However, there’s no coincidence we’re called to go inward, to wind down, and be still — no different than what we see in nature.

Animals go into hibernation, and the branches of the trees lie bare. The air is frigid, and the wind is brisk, prompting us to stay indoors and stay warm. As a byproduct of spending time in so much solitude, reflection deepens, clarity forms, and many of us feel the sudden urge to pause, reassess, and strengthen our foundation before moving forward.

Winter unfolds in three phases, each month aligned with a different focus and theme:

Late December – Mid January (Capricorn SZN ♑)
The time of holiday cheer, gathering, and giving. This Winter Solstice kicks off the season just in time for Christmas and the New Year. From spiritual texts to astrology, this phase centers on structure and responsibility. No coincidence, the Winter Solstice begins at the start of Capricorn season. It’s a time for reviewing systems, setting boundaries, and tending to the foundations of work, life, and routines.

Mid January – Mid February (Aquarius SZN ♒) WE ARE HERE📍
Towards February, attention shifts from structure to perspective. This phase highlights connection, community, and reimagining how we relate to our work, our relationships with ourselves and others, and the future we’re shaping. I mean, after all, this is Cupid’s month for my Valentine’s & Galentine’s Day observers.

Mid February – Late March (Pisces SZN ♓)
The final stretch of winter is a bit softer and more intuitive as we shift into Pisces SZN. Cultures all over the world celebrate holidays like Easter, Chinese New Year, Good Friday, Ramadan, Lent, and Passover. It’s a time for fasting, when creativity stirs, imagination expands, and vision takes form. The perfect edging appetizer before your big debut, and just in time for the Spring Equinox when the Sun moves into the constellation of Aries. A time for rebirth, remergence, and taking action.

Whereas spring brings forth momentum, winter is about alignment. Each month has its own container, but the intention stays the same: preparing the soil before anything is planted. Before we get to work from wherever you are, let’s take a Feel’d Trip for a smoother ride.

🎧 Feel’d Trip: OOO — Vol. I

Feel’d Trip: OOO (Out of Office) is my playlist series — a curated soundscape that moves with the rhythm of the year. Each volume is shaped by what I’m inspired by in that season: what I’m listening to while documenting, writing, reflecting, moving through life, and creating. It’s my personal soundtrack to the current season in my life. I literally act like I’m in a movie sometimes if I want to turn up a notch. Some seasons are quiet and cinematic, others more playful or expansive. My background music changes because the season does.

Feel’d Trip: OOO Vol. 1 is composed of 139 songs with angelic, heavenly vocals and whimsical orchestra compositions. Ranging from House Jazz by Berlioz to Italian composers and cinema soundtracks from the 50’s. Hit shuffle, unplug, and unwind to this season’s Feel’d Trip, available on Apple Music and Spotify.

Listen to Feel'd Trip on Spotify

Listen to Feel'd Trip on Apple

🗒️ Feel’d Notes

From my Notes App and straight to your inbox, here’s what I’m observing, learning, and noticing in real time:

• Babe, It’s Not Burnout, It’s Poor Boundaries

  People respecting your boundaries is cute, but do you even respect your own? After going down a stoicism rabbit hole years ago, I realized that we are the root cause of our own suffering. The seasons I experienced burnout could have been prevented if I respected my own boundaries. Like going to bed on time and waking up early to start the day with a full tank, nourishing my body with fuel, or even sacrificing sleep for the sake of a deadline. I’m taking notes from the French: say no first, think about it, and then maybe, say yes later.

  ---

• Discipline Is Cosplay for Productivity

  Is it possible to be a little too goal-oriented? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m not killing myself to create the life I want if I may not possibly live long enough to enjoy it. I get that discipline is one of the keys to success, but I want to focus more on being devoted to my growth. Not because I’m afraid of falling behind, but because my growth and nourishment matter more than meeting a goal. Especially if I’m not spiritually, mentally, physically, professionally, or financially stable.

  ---

• People Are Selfish, and That’s Okay

  I’ll never forget the day my aunt said, “People are selfish, and that’s okay”. It’d been after realizing I put myself in a compromising situation where I overextended my generosity and was met with betrayal. Nine times out of ten, people will do what’s best for them, and I have to be okay with that. Rather than get upset, I shifted my perspective inward to influence my external experience. If anything, I’m taking notes, and if everyone else is the center of their world, it’s a signal that I need to work my way back to being the center of mine.

  ---

• You’re Not Creatively Blocked, Your Energy Is Being Drained

  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen the Artist’s Way in my TikTok feed over the past year. While it’s a great read to many, I’ve never been able to get past the first few chapters. Morning pages are lit, and I, too, have even sharpened my writing skills through free thought writing. But woo-woo stuff aside, the reason why you feel blocked is because your nervous system is on sensory overload. I couldn’t create because my energy was leaking in almost every facet of my life. Family, friends, romance, work, and finances, my gas tank was running on E. I was being drained in more areas than I was being fulfilled.

  

  We don’t burn out because we’re exhausted; we’re burnt out because our energy is being consumed by undeserving relationships, careers, the news, and lifestyles that make our stock value plummet. Our nervous systems are constantly running in overdrive from doomscrolling to anticipating for the ball to drop. Opposed to succumbing to the speed of social media updates and needing to be busy, is it possible that maybe our brains just need a break by doing less so we can do more? Imagine what you could do with your time if you only minded the business that paid you?

  I want more deposits, less withdrawals. Here’s the seasonal forecast and everything I’m focusing on for the rest of this month, and exactly how I'm moving through it.

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Hello Dearest Reader,

Thank you for the growing support in this space. I’m truly grateful for the community we’re building together online and irl. Substack is quickly becoming my favorite platform again for self-expression; it’s my safe haven, my sanctuary for the mechanics of my mind and the inner workings of my heart. In Episode 2 of #WIP (Work in Progress), I’ve been exploring other avenues of fulfillment and auditing the areas that have thrown me for a loop, from my friendships to my finances.

While recently reviewing my career trajectory and past accomplishments, a wave of melancholy hit me while fawning over what once was. I should have been grateful for the projects, the platform, and parasocial relationships that came with it — if you let people tell it. But in the end of it, the joy I got out of building brands and the excitement I got out of editing a new podcast episode were replaced by feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and invisibility. I did what I thought I was supposed to, and yet I still wasn’t satisfied. So I decided to dedicate the entire year to becoming more self-centered.

I never wanted to be an agency owner, a brand strategist, a podcaster, or the person who was always available to help. I simply wanted to create a body of work. I love what I’ve been able to create, but I’m no longer the person whose life is centered around what I do, but rather who I am. I am an artist, a multidisciplinary creative, a wordsmith, and a teacher. I want to create art that inspires, words that pierce souls, and frameworks that shift life for the better.

Unfortunately, podcasting and building brand identities don’t fit in the future I’m building in my self-centered world. In my latest article, How to Become the Main Character in Your Own Life, I wrote about my redefinition of self-centeredness and how we can use our personal power to create the life we want by operating from our core and breaking up with “Savior Complex”. With some time to myself and deep reflection, this year, I’m getting back to what worked, and leaving behind what doesn’t.

In the poll, I asked Who or what’s holding the pen in your life right now? Out of 65 votes, the results were the following:

• 46% of readers answered “Myself.”

• 12% of readers said their “job, clients, and/or career hold the pen in their life right now.”

• 11% of readers answered that their “family, friends, or relationship” holds the pen.

• 8% of readers said their “religion or belief system.”

• and 26% of readers said “I don’t know, and that’s the problem.”

I know for me work held the pen in my life, f*ck that, had me in a chokehold for most of my adult life, so I’m with you 12%. So my next question for you is…

While this isn’t an absolute goodbye to The Idea Girl and Not So CEO Talk Show eras forever (I still consult), this season for me is a reintroduction to something new — well, sort of. In 2018, I founded The Idea Girl Gang, an educational hub and extension of my design studio for creatives, movers, and shakers. If you were there for the Links & Lattes era, you’re a real one. Links & Lattes was a part co-working, part laptop party where you learned new design and marketing skills in under a workday (virtually + irl). It was brilliant, but I shelved it shortly after losing a loved one and distracted myself with building my agency instead.

In 2022, I rebranded The Idea Girl Gang membership model into the Not So CEO podcast and built a community for founders and creatives along with it. We hosted events here and there, but the model became more about curating content to keep up in the rat race instead of curating smaller spaces for depth. Now I needed to create more products, more courses, more episodes, more 👏🏿 more 👏🏿 more 👏🏿!

After plenty of overnights and pumping out weekly episodes, I got burnt out from performing and overplanning, only to do absolutely nothing last year, and we’re not doing that this year. For 2026, I’m shutting down the Not So CEO podcast indefinitely. The episodes will live on as part of the archive. This isn’t a goodbye or a never again — it’s just not a right now.

welcome to a new (old-ish) era

I’m a forever student in the art school of life. We learn, we explore, and we experiment. We get messy, we revise, and we create directly from our center to leave behind bodies of work along the way. We alchemize anger and emotions like grief into melodies, poems, paintings, and books to inspire, inform, and elevate the collective. To make them feel something, whether it’s through the stroke of a paintbrush or the stroke on a keyboard.

So on that note, I’m going back to what I know as my main role as the Not So CEO of my life and HCIC (Hot Creative in Charge) in my corner of the internet. The thing is, I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m building a school of free thought in the work, in the field, in my feels, in real time. I share from lived experience as both the teacher and student. In short, this won’t ever be a finished product or perfect process; it’s a living body of work. Not just on how to build brands, but how to build self-centered worlds that actually support the people who create them.

Worlds with structure that prioritize being self-made without compromising self-care. Boundaries. Systems. Space to think. Space to rest. Space to make meaningful art without burning yourself to the ground. It’s for people who are done performing and ready to engage with their work, lives, and lead from their inner worlds to build an outer world with more intention.

Frm: A Not So CEO is part personal publication, part self-study, part creative practice. In 2016, I created my own job, combining my gifts, my skills, my talents, my passions, and my interests. Since then, I’ve helped hundreds of other founders and creatives build theirs. And this is me finally doing that out loud, not on purpose but as my reason for being. To be beautiful and create beautiful work that inspires people to discover the beauty in the process and the beauty in themselves. Welcome to the next chapter of Frm: A Not So CEO, my editorial and documentary of my work in progress as a creative navigating the concrete jungle.

what lives inside substack

I promised myself I’m not doing anything new this year aside from expanding by going deeper. Here, everything is built around reflection, observation, and integration, not urgency or toxic productivity. This work takes on a few different forms of self-study, each designed to meet you where you are. Just like every season in nature or the moon phases, we too operate in a seasonal rhythm, not 24/7. Every quarter, the essays, tools, and exercises will be guided by a seasonal self-study syllabus in:

📚 The Library: An archive of reflective and personal essays on entrepreneurship, wellness, and creativity. Less woo-woo, more science, you can expect deep dives on the connection between wellness, work, and creativity through a psychological, neurological, and spiritual lens. Instead of simply saying “just manifest it”, we’ll deep dive into what’s actually going on internally and how it shows up externally.

🧭 The Feel’d Guide: My monthly feel’d guide sets the tone for the season we’re in, thematically and energetically. It’s my personal self-study, documenting my #WIP, what’s in the air, what’s worth paying attention to, and how to move through it with more grace. In addition to sharing my curated bookshelf of supportive reads, I share my Feel’d Notes on what I’m observing, questioning, learning, noticing, and experimenting with in real-time across culture, creativity, work, and wellness.

🧪 Feel’d Work: Complementary to the monthly Feel’d Work Guide, Feel’d Work includes original concepts and integrative prompts, tools, templates, and frameworks to navigate work, life, and leadership. Less homework, more irl practice, think of it as your new way to experiment, play, reflect, and apply what we’re learning in real time. It’s not about the work you do, it’s about how you move through it.

🔍 Case Studies: My business thinkpieces aren’t going anywhere. Here, I study and discover the patterns at the intersection of design, power, persuasion, and consumer psychology. Think college research deep dives on branding, culture, and creativity from the lens of a shoppaholic turned brand strategist.

📂 On File: Formerly known as The Stack, On File is a curation of monthly musings on everything I’m consuming to what I’m currently reading, listening to, and buying into across beauty, fashion, food, and wellness. Perfectly curated for conscious consumption.

🎧 Feel’d Trip: After taking a classical music class in college, I discovered a new way to look at sound, including the other genres I listened to. Every quarter, I’ll create a themed seasonal soundtrack for background music for living life like a movie. From Italian Opera to R&B, each playlist is perfect for every time you work, when you’re OOO, or the next time you take a Feel’d Trip.

📱 The Breakroom: Formerly known as The Linkup on Geneva, the group chat has moved to Substack. The Breakroom is our digital sanctuary where we can truly connect and cultivate community minus the icky vibes. From creative freelancer to founder, corporate baddie to entrepreneur, make new friends, build your network, and grow your net worth, all built on peer mentorship.

🧊 Watercooler Convo: Water Cooler Convo is also back; an intimate audio interview series with cool a** creatives and founders I know who are changing the game and dare to work against the grain. Read and listen to past convos with red carpet reporter and full-time fashionista Kéla Walker, award-winning beauty founder Lauren Napier of Lauren Napier Beauty, and Yasmine Jameelah, journalist and wellness founder of Transparent Black Girl.

🪩 IRL & Digital Linkups: From group Pilates to branding workshops, I’ve done it all, but now I’m a bit clearer on how I want to go forward, starting with two event series that I’ve done in the past that are returning this quarter.

• 🧘🏽‍♀️ OOO: Formerly known as Work(well), OOO (Out of Office) is a continuation of my IRL series for self-centered creatives to connect, unplug, and unwind off the clock. Join me after hours for interactive experiences that bring you back to your body, ignite your senses, and spark curiosity so you can play with something new and work with more joy. Keep a lookout for our first installment for Valentine’s Day.

• 💻 Links & Lattes: After a long hiatus, Links & Lattes is happening Spring 2026. It’s a half-day learning intensive to co-work and apply the lesson to their biz endeavors in real time over lattes and laptops.

the not so ceo club

I want to continue contributing to the archive I’ve been building by creating my own scholastic sanctuary right here on Substack for creatives who’d rather chase naps, not invoices — which is what I originally did with The Idea Girl Gang. Clearly, I was ahead of my time, but it’s never too late to return to something that once brought me so much joy. If you’ve been feeling the itch to go back to school, this is your sign. This year, I’m curating something more intimate online and irl, starting with the Not So CEO Club. Think of it as the creative business school you wish you went to (minus the hefty tuition tax).

This is for the multi-hyphenate creatives, leaders, and thinkers. The one’s who were told they’re a “jack of all trades is a master of none…” and never hear the rest, “ but oftentimes better than a master of one.” The ones who were always a little misunderstood. The ones who need systems to thrive. The ones learning how to set boundaries, regulate their nervous systems, and create careers that don’t consume their energetic bank account. There are three self-paced tracks on Substack; think of them less as memberships and more as rooms: The Lobby, The Office, and The Boardroom. Each room is an investment in your self-study and your commitment to supporting a body of work while building your own in the process.

📖 The Lobby (Free)

Hey Friend, we’re already locked in 🤞🏾! For curious observers and newbies, the Lobby is where everyone enters and gathers. Feel for the concepts before deciding how deeply you want to explore them. It’s a place to read, reflect, and realign without any pressure to participate or perform. In the Lobby, free Substack subscribers get access to:

• 📚 Select essays in The Library

• 🔍 Cultural commentary and select case studies

• 🎧 Feel’d Trip playlists (quarterly)

• 📂 OnFile (monthly)

• 🧊 Watercooler Convo (monthly)

🗂️ The Office (Beta | $22 Month/$222 Annually)

For creatives, thinkers, and leaders who crave context, structure, and continuity over inspiration and motivation. The Office is for readers who want to engage with the thinking over time, build alongside it, and apply what they’re learning to their lives and work. This space is for those actively engaging with their inner and outer work and looking for community to do it with.

In the Office, you get everything in the Lobby plus:

• 📚 Full access to all essays and case studies in the Library archive

• 🧭 Feel’d Guide with tools, templates, reflections, and prompts (monthly)

• 🧪 Feel’d Work Companion (monthly)

• 📱Access to the Breakroom group chat on Substack.

• 🔴 (2) Live #WIP Sessions

  • 1x Monthly Feel’d Guide Brief (60 mins)

  • 1x Monthly PWR HR: Peer mentor style group sessions to get unstuck, ask questions, and think bigger — together (60 mins)

♟️The Boardroom (Beta | $599/Annually)

For my slow and steady deep thinkers and doers, The Boardroom is for those who want deeper continuity to go from freelancer to founder. This space is intentionally small and curated for an accountability group without the hierarchy or hype.

In the Boardroom, you get everything in the Office plus:

• ☎️ 1x Annual Officehrs consult (60 min 1:1, valued at $299)

• 🪩 Discounted tickets and special invites to irl and digital events

• 🎨 The Creative Starter Pack (The Goal[getter] Notion Planner, The Brand Audit Blueprint, Making the Brand Workbook, valued at $240)

To get every post and other paid subscriber benefits, upgrade to The Office 🗂️ or The Boardroom ♟️ subscription.

Upgrade Subscription

what’s next?

No matter which room you choose to frequent on this campus, you’re guaranteed to leave here with something. The first Feel’d Guide will be dropping in your inbox this Sunday, followed by Feel’d Work on Tuesday. The live schedule will begin on February 5th at 12pm EST/11am CST proceeded by every other Thursday unless noted otherwise, for the remainder of the season.

In between those drops, you can also expect additional supportive essays and regularly scheduled programming. As the EIC of the Not So CEO Club, this work is less about becoming the CEO of your brand and more about becoming the creative director of your life. A life that’s more self-directed, self-aware, and self-centered in how you live and create your body of work.

A work in progress, always.

xx
B

—
Brittany Antoinette
Founder, Not So CEO

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*Screenshot this month’s mood and use it as your screensaver for mobile and/or desktop*

[monthly mood] a time to reflect, define, and refine

Despite praying for my leave-out to last on the way to a function, I’m not quite ready to say goodbye to my NYC summer. Leo season had me feeling myself, and I was showing up and showing out in every aspect of my life. This was probably the most outside has ever seen me, from tanning on the beach in Cannes to dance parties that left my pinky-toe numb, this summer was one for the books. I felt sexy, I dressed sexy, and made sure to document every moment. While I’m a big believer of work hard, play harder, I’m ready to get back in my bag and tighten the f*ck up. Granted, I developed great habits like working out, meditating, and journaling — but am I consistent with them? Absolutely not.

In all honesty, I had to come to terms with the fact that many of my poor habits were holding me back. Staying out late every night was fun, but it wasn’t setting me up for success the next morning. Doomscrolling the moment my eyes opened, instead of losing myself in the depths of my breath. Downing Lychee Martinis and wondering why my fupa won’t transform into an eight-pack despite going to Mat Pilates every other day. It may be just me, but do you ever feel like your old self is sabotaging the potential of your becoming?

While Pumpkin Spice season is slowly creeping around the corner, Virgo SZN is officially here, and I figured right now’s the perfect time to Joe Clark my life (just like in the movie Lean On Me). As a self-proclaimed work in progress, I want to use In A Month’s Notice as a personal guide for me and you to navigate the season ahead, so we can always come out on top (or at least try to). Instead of horoscopes and complicated astrological jargon that you can find anywhere on the internet, you can expect a Cliff Notes breakdown of the energy each season brings, what’s happening in the skies, and how to apply that energy as a blueprint to your own life.

I've been a student of the stars since I was eight, fascinated by how planetary shifts influence our character and the events in our lives. Having an awareness of the cosmos and its impact on your day-to-day helps you stay ready so you don’t have to get ready. Being in tune with the moon and stars will make Mercury retrograde feel like a walk in the park, rather than being dragged through one. In a Month’s Notice is less about prediction and more about preparation. Think of it as a seasonal guide with a little homework to support your level-up. Now let’s get to work.

[virgo szn forecast] step aside leos, it’s time for the virgos to shine

On August 23, 2025, the Sun will be leaving the sign of Leo and moving into Virgo. While Leo SZN wanted us to shine and take up space, Virgo SZN is asking us to edit, curate, and refine our lives from the inside out. Analytical, logical, organized, and critical — Virgos typically get a bad rep for being neurotic perfectionists armed with a checklist and judgment in their back pocket. But at their best, Virgos are the living embodiment that consistency, excellence, and efficiency are possible through devotion. Just take Michael Jackson and Beyoncé as examples of greatness. Their relentless pursuit of perfection, meticulous attention to detail, and legendary work ethic are what made them icons. Need I say more?

It’s important to acknowledge that every zodiac season impacts all of us, not just the ruling sign. So even if you don’t have any major Virgo placements, you have a house ruled by Virgo in your chart where this energy shows up. I personally don’t have any planets in Virgo, but as a Leo rising (1H), Virgo lights up my second house of money, values, and service. In layman’s terms, I move like a Virgo in those specific areas of my life, despite being a Cancer Sun (and come to think of it, I can get judgmental af when it comes to ethics). This is my season to align my worth with my work and cut the BS. (In case you want to see where Virgo season will influence your life, calculate your birthchart on Chani to identify the planets and house ruled by Virgo.)

Key Dates

🌑 New Moon in Virgo — August 23
Reset energy. New moons are ideal for starting new endeavors, making them a perfect time for manifesting what you wish to attract. Plant seeds around rituals, wellness, systems, and anything that needs a practical fresh start.

☿ Mercury Retrograde Ends — August 11 (shadow clears Aug 25)
We’re almost free from the shackles of Mercury and her microbraids. By the time Virgo season kicks in, communication and planning are smoothing out. No more excuses not to send the email or start the thing. Like Nike, “Just do it”.

🌕 Full Moon + Eclipse in Pisces — September 7
Full moons are for letting go, and the Full Moon in Pisces will be a supercharged release point. Eclipses reveal what’s been hiding in the shadows. This one reminds us to let go of illusions, blurred boundaries, and energy leaks.

[cheat sheet] navigating virgo szn

Alright, enough astrology yap, here’s the part you’ll actually want to screenshot and keep in your Notes app. Think of it as your Virgo season survival kit: a quick hit of ins and outs, dos and don’ts, and homework to keep you on track and in alignment with your future self.

DO: refine your morning and nightly rituals and keep them realistic
DON’T: overload yourself with a 20-step morning ritual you’ll never keep

DO: edit your spaces (closet, fridge, desk) to create clarity
DON’T: spiral into obsessive perfection

DO: check in with your body by nourishing it with whole foods, movement, and rest
DON’T: punish yourself with overextending, overexertion, or toxic productivity

DO: set boundaries that protect your energy and time
DON’T: confuse being of service with being subservient

DO: focus on progress through small steps — eat the elephant a bite at a time
DON’T: wait for “perfect timing” to start

[#wip] your homework for virgo szn

As Bell Hooks reminds us in her title, All About Love, perfection is not a final product but a process of constant refinement, which is what Virgo season is all about. Instead of doing everything at once, try focusing on two or three things each week to avoid overwhelm.

1. ◻️ One edit a day: clean your inbox, your photo album, your closet, or your skincare shelf — remove at least one thing that no longer serves you.

2. ◻️ Refine your ritual: choose one daily practice (prayer, journaling, Pilates, meditation, stretching) and commit to consistency, not perfection. Just show up.

3. ◻️ Track your energy leaks: notice where you’re over-giving — then set one boundary to reclaim that energy.

4. ◻️ Redefine your values: ask yourself what truly matters right now. Then align one daily choice with that value.

5. ◻️ Financial Virgo check-in: review your budget, subscriptions, or spending habits. Make one edit that supports your long-term stability.

6. ◻️ Self-talk audit: every time you catch yourself being harsh or self-critical, pause and reframe with compassion and grace.

[reflection] go deeper

On the New Moon in Virgo (August 23), reflect and journal your answers to the following questions to help you reset, refine, and rebuild.

1. What’s one system, habit, or ritual I can simplify to make life smoother?

2. Where do I need more rhythm and less rigidity in my daily flow?

3. How can I be of service without sacrificing myself?

4. What seed of refinement am I ready to plant this season?

On the Full Moon + Eclipse in Pisces (September 7), reflect and journal your answers to the following questions to help you release, surrender, and see clearly.

1. What illusions, fantasies, or distractions am I ready to let go of?

2. Where have I been leaking energy in relationships, work, or self-care?

3. What needs closure so I can move forward with clarity?

4. How can I balance Virgo’s practicality with Pisces’ intuition and softness?

Reminder: Virgo season isn’t about punishing yourself into discipline; it’s about curating your life with intention. It’s about trading perfection for refinement, and choosing small, consistent steps that move you forward. I’ll be closing out August on a new tip, and I hope you’ll join me on the journey of being a work in progress.

xx,

B

—

Brittany Antoinette

Founder of The Idea Girl & Not So CEO

“I’m tired of you always choosing these b*tches over me!” I hung up the phone in a flurry of rage, the words belting from my throat and fleeing from my heart.

I was about 16 years old, and shockingly, the recipient on the other end of the phone wasn’t my highschool sweetheart — it was my father. It was after he told me he couldn’t pick me up from my grandfather’s house to drop me home at 10 o’clock on a school night. He lived just ten minutes away, and I couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t want to ensure I got home safe. “I can’t because I’m by Lucy’s house, I stopped by to see her…,” and before he could get another word out, those ten words spilled from my lips and pierced the air like hollow-tipped bullets.

Now Lucy was one of my father’s exes from three or four girlfriends prior. I met her once when I was about eight, when my father had moved in with her briefly before meeting my younger sister’s mother, just a year or so later. For as long as I could remember, there was always another woman, always another reason to spend less time with me, always another reason to barely call, always another reason to keep our quality time restricted to holidays.

To my father’s defense, he visited Lucy after she was recently diagnosed with MS, which was his reasoning for not being able to pick me up and drop me home. But in my mind, paired with an underdeveloped frontal lobe, all I heard was “You’re not a priority,” and to hear that I wasn’t worth it, again, was the final nail in the coffin. After hanging up the phone, I walked over to my ex-boyfriend’s house to decompress before getting on the bus to my then-home in Glenwood Projects.

The moment I stepped foot off the elevator, I was greeted by a bodyslam on the concrete floor, slammed against the wallpapered walls like a ragdoll, and punched in the face for being “disrespectful”. Granted, my father’s response was valid, or any parent whose authority had been tested. In that moment, he dropped everything to punish me, but I secretly wished he’d dropped everything to pick me for once.

When I blurted out those ten words, my trauma took over and took me on a trip down memory lane. I remembered the time he visited me only twice when I was hospitalized for a week, while my mother stayed by my bedside day and night. I remembered when he wasn’t there to wipe my tears when I got stood up by my ex-boyfriend for my senior prom. I remembered when I gave him the $100 my grandfather gifted me for my 10th birthday for a throwback Lakers jersey in hopes that he’d finally spend more time with me. I remembered the time I broke down and cried after not seeing him for months, only for him to pick me up and drop me off at my grandmother’s house while he went back to Lucy’s. I remembered the time he picked me up from school in the 5th grade to hang out with him over the weekend, and he told me he was having another baby. I remembered crying at the news and saying, “You’re going to forget about me all over again”.

I woke up the next day and went to school with a scar on my eye and a windmill of family rumors hinting that I got what I deserved. But what I deserved wasn’t a WWF match — I deserved to be loved and cared for. And for once in my life, I deserved to be a priority.

the art of performing to be picked

Those ten words weren’t a petty response from a bratty eldest daughter who just wanted her way; they were from a hurt child who never felt chosen by the one man she sought love from the most. It was a mix of pent-up resentment, disappointment, grief, anger, and sadness that could no longer be contained in my physical body.

The grief of feeling unwanted and unworthy would follow me into my adult years, and into many failed relationships, both romantic and platonic. The desire to be picked, the desire to be a priority, the desire to be chosen by someone, by anyone.

Looking back at it, there was no difference between me and a pick-me. Now I’m not talking about the male-centered girlies who seek validation from men by bashing other women in order to be picked. I’m talking about self-abandoning your wants, your needs, and your dreams in order to be seen as more desirable by someone else.

People-pleasing is often about keeping the peace, but being a pick-me is a performance for belonging — molding yourself into what you think will finally make someone pick you.

I thought if I pretended to be a strong and unbothered daughter who anticipated everyone’s needs but her own, my father would finally choose me. I thought that if I shared all my resources, remained generous without asking for reciprocity, and ignored disrespect to maintain the peace, my friends would finally choose me. I thought that if I shared my body, listened, cooked, cleaned, and waited on a man hand and foot, he’d finally choose me. I thought that if I worked overtime, wore a badge of burnout, and sacrificed food and sleep, my job would finally choose me.

But never once did I think, “When will I finally choose myself?”. The harsh reality was that no matter how agreeable I was, no matter how unproblematic I was, no matter how self-sacrificing I was, people would always choose themselves first. So why was I always choosing myself last?

I mistook my sense of self-worth with external validation instead of internal affirmation. I measured my value by how my job, parents, partners, friends, and strangers perceived me, rather than the way God sees me. I would compromise my values for closeness with people who’d never thought to consider me. It took years into adulthood before I realized that being “good” for others wasn’t good enough if I wasn’t being good to myself. It wasn’t easy, but over time, I began to choose myself instead of waiting for someone to finally choose me.

from a pick-me to finally picking me

For generations, many women have been socialized to perform to feel a sense of belonging. We’re taught that being “good” means being agreeable, selfless, and endlessly accommodating. The culture around us glamorizes being chosen: the princess picked by the prince, the “cool girl” picked over the “nerdy” one, the employee picked for promotion because she’ll do the most while sacrificing herself in the process. Pick-me culture isn’t an accident; it’s the byproduct of a society that rewards women for self-abandonment and punishes them for self-possession.

When I reflect on my own story, waiting for my father’s attention, waiting for men’s consistency, waiting for friends’ reciprocity, I see how deeply that programming has run. To be wanted, I thought I had to shrink, sacrifice, and smile through tears and a broken heart. But every time I lost myself for the sake of being chosen, I only confirmed the lie: that my worth depended on someone else’s recognition.

Today, I no longer care about maintaining friendships if they infringe upon my ethics or intuition. I no longer compromise my boundaries and walk away from any relationship or job that chips away at my value instead of adding to it. As time goes on, you’re always going to be tested in scenarios that question “Do you truly f*ck with yourself the way you claim to?”

Just because you got rid of those friends, that man, or that job last season, doesn’t mean you won’t be tested again in the next one. Your faith will always be tested, but your self-belief will determine whether or not you pass the test with flying colors.

In recent times, I ended things with an avoidant Sagittarius man who thought it was okay to withhold care and consideration and go ghost at least once a week without fail. Over four months, I dealt with confusion and anxiety, thinking that if I were patient, kind, available, and understanding, he’d eventually choose me, right? Wrong! I gave him a 90-day trial and a 30-day probation period to see if our situationship was growing anywhere.

During the 90 days, he received about three warnings from me before I realized that his lack of consideration was intentional. The last straw? I told him I was boarding a flight back from France and didn’t hear from him for 48 hours. Not even a “Have a safe flight.”? Bet!

I called him later that evening to put a permanent pin in our connection. I reflected and realized that just like my other relationships, the little girl in me wanted to be chosen not just by him, but by my father. The lack of emotional care, consideration, and inconsistency felt all too familiar, and I wasn’t willing to relive old pain in my new reality. I’ve put in way too much work to fail this test again, and instead, I chose to pass with flying colors.

As far as my father goes, we’re good. We still don’t have that father-daughter connection that I always yearned for, nor do we speak more than every two months, but I appreciate who he is in my life. I get my taste in music and food from him, as well as my style and flair. I get my hospitable and friendly spirit from him, knowing everyone and making new connections everywhere I go.

To set myself free from the prison of deadbeat daddy grief, I absolved him of the responsibility of being my father to simply being a human. A human who didn’t come to this planet with a manual on how to properly care for me. Besides, I’m a child of God, so I’ll always have a father regardless. I decided to reparent my child self by becoming the father I always wanted and needed by:

1. Constantly checking in with my well-being.

2. Protecting myself by enforcing my boundaries and speaking up.

3. Affirming myself that I am capable, intelligent, worthy, and loved.

4. Building small financial and daily systems to make my inner child feel taken care of — like meal prepping, budgeting, and paying myself first.

5. Celebrating my wins, both big and small.

6. Simply believing in myself.

7. Offering myself advice and perspective through self-awareness practices.

8. Holding myself accountable when I drift away from my values.

9. Pushing myself to try new things and grow.

10. Developing better habits by setting rules and routines, like exercising and curfews, to protect and preserve my energy.

11. Having male mentors and homeboys who school me on life, money, and men.

With all that said, I’m back on my mission to be single, sexy, and celibate. I’ve been single for the past three years, but still entertained men (even friends) who should’ve never gotten access to me. That was the old trick — shrinking, accommodating, and hoping someone would finally choose me. The new trick is choosing myself.

I made a promise to myself to harness and bask in my own energy for once. Instead of centering men, parents, or friendships, I’m centering myself. With no one to plug themselves into my outlet, I’m finding extra energy and peace in my solitude. Making decisions without involving anyone else, posting my pictures without asking my friends, “Which one looks better?”, and choosing exactly whom, what, where, when, and how I spend my time. Because I don’t have any time to waste, and I love myself way too much to wait on anyone to pick me when I’ve already picked myself.

xx,

B

__

Brittany Antoinette

Founder of The Idea Girl & Not So CEO

If there’s one thing I’ve mastered as a creative, it’s a good ole disappearing act otherwise know as the “social media hiatus”. If you’re reading this, it’s too late – I’m already onto something different, bigger and better, I suppose. But if you’re reading this and you’re wondering, “Wtf is this?”, well then, that’s a natural response too. I’ve been cultivating this community on Substack for about a year now, and I’m grateful for its growth. Shoutout to my 500+ new subbies and everyone who’s been supporting my little corner of the internet for nearly a decade.

I figured, why not do a reintroduction for those who are new here and provide an explanation of where this is going for those who aren’t? And in case you’re still reading this, hi, my name is Brittany, and I’m a recovering “Type A” creative who:

1. Is addicted to checking goals off my to-do list.

2. Enjoys building strategic systems and frameworks.

3. Has an album full of “content” but never shares.

4. Has a brain with thousands of thoughts and a hundred tabs open at all times.

5. Deals with a nasty case of Imposter Syndrome.

6. Is a recovering people pleaser with an anxious attachment style.

7. Happens to be too multi-faceted to niche down.

8. Is an active #wip (work in progress)

9. …and creates created for everyone but herself.

I’m also a fellow human, a lover girl, and an entrepreneur who's figuring it out a step at a time, while giving myself grace during the process. Balancing work and wellness is a recurring life theme and, according to the cosmos, somewhat my purpose (Hello, 6th House North Node in Capricorn). But I’m also an artist who lives and breathes beauty, art, fashion, and culture — emitting its essence into my creativity and everything I do (Hello Taurus Midheaven + Leo Rising, Venus, Mars, & Jupiter).

Now, onto where this is going. In case you’ve been subscribed to this Substack for some time, you’ve likely signed up for The Paper by Not So CEO. But can I let you in on a little secret? It felt too business, never personal. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can talk about marketing, branding, and business all day, but I've grown tired of it — it’s not all of who I am. It felt like a role, a costume, and a blip into the vastness of my Universe. My world is shaped by music, color, fashion, food, beauty, art, interior design, psychology, astrology, quantum physics, and neuroscience. The containers that I created for myself could no longer hold me, ushering in the end of an era and welcoming in a new one. All good things must come to an end, or at least in this case, an indefinite pause for Not So CEO (more on that later).

So welcome *again* to my little corner of the internet — a home to house my messy moments and messy middles.

Pretty things and unpretty parts.

An archive of learning, growing, reaping, and sowing.

Aside from my curated taste, business takes, unfiltered thoughts, and experiences as an experimental entrepreneur, you can also expect to find sprinkles of inspiration straight from the mood board of my mind. Thank you for joining me as we continue our journey to self-centeredness while documenting the work in progress.

Here’s to a new era – Frm A Not So CEO.

(SB: This issue is longer than what’s to come due to the editor’s letter 😭)

🔮 [a month’s mood] july — a soft and sensual, slow girl summer

*Screenshot this month’s mood and use it as your phone’s screensaver*

The Summer Solstice on 6/22 marked the beginning of Cancer SZN, so Happy Birthday to all of my fellow crabbies. I celebrated my 34th birthday in the South of France on the 26th, eek! My aunt and I had already booked tickets for the Cowboy Carter show in Paris and had always wanted to visit. She made the reservations, and we called it “Nice with my Niece” 🥺, very on theme for the New Moon in Cancer on June 25th. Now, Paris was great, I stayed in Montmartre in the same apartment I stayed in back in January. However, it was extremely hot, and there was barely any air conditioning across town, let alone at our Airbnb. In between brunch and museum runs, my leave-out didn’t stand a chance against the humidity. Note to Self: Travel to Paris only during the spring and fall.

But it wasn’t until we arrived in the South of France that I felt fully embodied. We made Nice our home base, and each day, we adventured somewhere new. We trekked (more like Ubered) our way to Cannes, Eze, Antibes, and Menton. I don’t think I’ve ever created a mood board for myself outside of a client project or work. I created a mood board a few weeks before my trip, and subconsciously, I began to match its energy. I always feel a shift whenever I visit France. It’s like life slows down and speeds up at the right tempo. It’s almost as if everything is a yes; the pause helps me find my pulse again. Plus, the time off from work was needed, days free without emails, Slack messages, or opening my laptop.

Every day was a story, woven into words and images. For the days I couldn’t bring my paper to pen, my memories were paintings and messages for what my soul truly wanted to say. I knew I wanted to feel alive again and inspired, and this trip was exactly what my nervous system needed. Cancer season brings forth soft and sensual energy. Think of Solange — deep, intuitive, expressive, embodied, maternal, magnetic, protective, and nurturing. It’s a time for indulging in comfort and spending time with family and friends.

In the last few days of my trip, we went to London to visit my eighty-seven-year-old aunt, the last matriarch in my family. My maternal grandmother, grandparents, and aunt settled in London in the 1960s after migrating from Jamaica. Even though I flew halfway across the world, it will always feel like home with my aunt and cousins. We shared laughs, ate together, and spent the rest of the evening going through family photos.

My creative spark felt like it came back. But I also realized that in order to sustain the flame, there was something that I needed to do. I had a few things weighing heavily on my heart. But if I were going to go at it, I was going to go slow and steady. Now I don’t always follow astrology to the t, I do pay attention to patterns, events, and how I’m feeling during planetary cycles. But I find no coincidence that with the Full Moon in Capricorn happening today, there will be some things I need to let go of to welcome in what’s aligned. And why not commemorate it with my month’s ins and outs?

📂 [work in progress] life lately

Now onto the tea. If you’re not following me on socials, this may be news to you: Never in a million years did I imagine myself returning to corporate. Nah, Britt—you did what again? If you’re unfamiliar with my story of how I became an entrepreneur in the first place, read From Corporate Baddie to Full-time Founder. But here’s a quick TL:DR timeline.

• 2008-2015: Here’s a little picture of all the roles I held between the ages of 16-24: Sales Associate → Visual Merchandiser → Customer Service Agent → Personal Assistant → PR Intern → Receptionist → Luxury Sales Assistant → Assistant Buyer → Operations Manager → Social Media Manager → Creative Coordinator

• 2016-2017: I bet on myself and became a Creative Freelancer while balancing full-time roles doing everything from photography, graphic design, copywriting, web design, and event production.

• 2018-2021: I niched down, offering brand strategy, identity, and packaging design, and went full-time founder, and went on to lead a team of the most talented creatives in the industry. I got a chance to help launch, build, and rebrand companies like Topicals, Hyper Skin, Range Beauty, Tonal Cosmetics, Butter’d Bodycare, and many more. I’ve spoken on panels from Dartmouth to Temple and collaborated on partnerships with brands like Amazon, Meta, and Google, to name a few.

• 2022-2024: I publicly announced the shutdown of my agency and my loss in a battle with burnout. I downscaled to a team of one and took on a limited number of projects, consulting as a Creative Director. It was then that I launched Not So CEO as a podcast, which later expanded into a community featuring events, tools, and resources to support self-made founders on their journey to becoming self-made.

With Not So CEO, my goal was to help founders build brands without burning out, but guess which founder was teetering on the line of burnout again? It t’was I. I came out of the gate hot at the top of 2024, and by the end, I had fizzled out. In between producing the podcast, editing, designing, creating content, and trying to host events, I was pushing myself to my limit for the sake of being productive. Over the years, I’ve boxed myself in with the titles of Brand Strategist, Designer, Teacher, and Marketer, and I've forgotten who I truly am at my core.

I was glued to Pinterest boards instead of coloring my mind by breathing in art in person, going outside to nature, and going to God. Although I was checking things off my to-do list professionally, my creativity, my mind, and my body were suffering tremendously. It’s like I built all those healthy habits for what? However, the truth was that I felt my responsibility was to be a resource, and my value was tied to creating value for others, which in turn made me feel worthy and validated. Eldest daughter, trauma much?

Most of all, I lost touch with my creativity because when it became my job, it was no longer something I loved. I was no longer working from inspiration – I was working from survival. Living from project to project, NET 30, selling 24/7, and chasing invoices was no longer my drug of choice. I needed stability, and at the moment, entrepreneurial life could no longer provide the freedom I’d been desperately seeking. So, in blind faith, I wrote down a new goal — land one corporate contract.

One random morning back in December 2024, I cleared my inbox before my eyes held their attention on a new email with a few sentences. “Hi, I’ve been watching your talent for the past few years, and you came to mind for a project I think you’d be great for”. What started as an inquiry on a project scope turned into a “Girl, you better come and get this job” to a Creative Director for a Gen-Z media platform helping girls own their glow. This work feels like a love letter to my teenage self, allowing me to show up fully.

Granted, my days are different now, working Monday to Friday and savoring my early mornings, late evenings, and weekends for myself. What’s also different this time around is my sense of self, my awareness, and my alignment with my purpose. I know my boundaries; I know myself to my core. I know the importance of pouring into my cup first so I can be able to show up for others. I know when to mind my business and when to stand up for what’s right. I know better than to forget about my hobbies and passion projects. After all the therapy and spiritual work I’ve done over the past decade, burnout doesn’t stand a chance with me. Even times like that when I felt it looming around the corner, I go back to the toolkit I’ve built to rebuild my foundation.

If you’re a creative or full-time founder reading this right now, know that it’s never too late. You can change your mind and get a job, and still work on projects that you’re passionate about. Your journey was never meant to look like anyone else’s — the world would look pretty bleak if it did. Now, I’m not trying to push the narrative that every creative or founder should return to a 9-to-5 job. But what I am doing is demystifying the parts of entrepreneurship that ONLY look good on camera — and thank goodness I look nothing like what I’ve been through.

Again, chasing sleep and invoices didn’t look good on me or anyone else, for that matter. Entrepreneurship will be very messy before it gets clean, especially if you’re the first to do it in your family without coaching and mentorship. If you feel burnout creeping around the corner, all you need to do is return to back to your center. And in the midst of figuring it out in that messy middle, there is nothing wrong with having an anchor to hold you down, figuratively and literally.

📝 [life lessons] what i learned

1. YOU DID NOT FAIL; YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

Going back to corporate five years ago, I would have felt like a failure. I don’t know who came up with the notion that once you become an entrepreneur, you can never go back. That you’d have to become a founder over and over again — you can never let them see you sweat. Wanting a job again after being an entrepreneur doesn’t mean you’re a failure; it means that you value security and stability.

2. LEARN YOUR SEASONS; EACH ONE WILL REQUIRE YOU TO SHOW UP DIFFERENTLY.

Some seasons are for grinding, and some are for resting. Some are for blooming, and some are for pruning. You don’t need to go ham every day in every season. Pay attention to your cycles and identify the patterns and occurrences of each cycle. For me, I realized hitting the ground running on January 1st was not a part of my rhythm; I was meant to rest, reflect, and reset. This keeps me from burning out by trying to do all the things and zeroing in on working smarter, not harder.

3. POSITION YOURSELF FOR THE POSITION YOU WANT

My portfolio was my prized possession, but its physical presence? Non-existent. Now, my portfolio technically did exist on social media and strewn across hundreds of Google Drive folders and FINALfinalFinal.ai files. But how could people take me seriously if I wasn’t taking myself seriously? Because the truth was that I was tired of getting on calls and explaining to potential leads why they needed to see value in me instead of letting my portfolio be the proof I needed to secure the investment. Sometimes you’re not being overlooked, you’re just not anchoring yourself in the right position to be visible.

Before I took the stage, posted on LinkedIn, or created any more authoritative content, I tackled the one task that had been put off year after year—redesigning my website. In just a few days and a few sleepless nights, the new Idea Girl website was up. The proof is literally in your portfolio, so take some intentional time out to update your website, fine-tune your offerings, revamp that capabilities deck, clean up that resume, and/or create that media kit. Do the work even when you think no one is watching because you never know who’s watching. Your highest self is waiting for your current self to catch up to your new timeline.

💭 [monthly reflection] go deeper

Aside from different exercises and tools to use in different seasons when I need a reset, I always like to journal a monthly reflection in alignment with the season. Here are some of the questions I’ve asked myself that I’m passing on to you.

1. Where do I need to soften and tend to my inner world, without guilt?
   What parts of me need nurturing, not fixing?

2. What outdated definitions of success are keeping me from honoring my capacity and creativity?
   What would it look like to be both ambitious and at ease?

3. Which dreams, emotions, or ideas are asking to be seen, shaped, and shared?
   Where is my inner artist quietly asking for space?

4. What systems, rhythms, or boundaries would support my nervous system and creative flow?
   How can I protect my energy while expanding my expression?

5. What does “home” feel like in this season—and how can I design more of it in my body, space, and schedule?
   Where do I feel most like myself—and how do I stay rooted there?

Right now, I’m dedicated to having my slowest, yet most successful summer by centering myself. I have my roundup of books for the next few months. I invested in my well-being through weight training, mat Pilates, pole dancing, and a membership at a social and wellness club. I invested in my mind through breathwork, somatic yoga, and its connection to my nervous system. I’m making space and time for the things that fill my cup, whether it’s French lessons or taking a few deep breaths first thing in the morning. With the full moon in Capricorn, I’m going to do a seasonal exercise to get mind right. Maybe I’ll drop a tool or two next time around. I truly don’t know what’s next, but I hope you'll follow along as I document my work in progress here and abroad.

Thanks for reading this month’s notice — proof that beauty exists even in the becoming. A #wip, always.

xx,

B

—

Brittany A.

It’s Not a Bag, It’s a Birkin

I remember watching an episode of Sex and the City as a 10-year-old back in 2001 and seeing Samantha go through hell and high waters to get her hands on the most coveted confection of handbags (I grew up with my mom and no, she didn’t know I was watching it with her while I pretended to be asleep). It was cherry red leather adorned with gold hardware just glaring back at her from the other side of the window, a 35cm Hermès Birkin to be exact. “The Birkin Bag? That’s not even your style.” Carrie retorted. Because even Carrie knew that for Samantha, it was beyond sporting the bag for fashion. It was a symbol of social pedigree, a proclaimation that “I, Samantha Jones, have arrived to the deluxe apartment in the sky”. Despite Carrie’s disposition, she sashayed to the sales counter gleaming with pride and Amex in tow. An orchestra of angels sings as she grips the bag, completely enamored in the fact that her time has finally come.

“It’s $4,000…”

“I know.”

“And there’s a waiting list…”

“I assumed.”

“Five years.”

“For a bag?”

“It’s not a bag, it’s a Birkin.”

And he was right; the Birkin wasn’t just a bag. It was a social badge of prestige that would validate her place among the elite, and the who’s who of the socialite scene from the tiny island of Manhattan to an all-white party in Ibiza. The waitlist would eventually become the least of her problems because she was getting her Birkin by any means necessary. Even if it meant pretending that the bag was for her celebrity client, Lucy Liu, so she could skip the line and keep it all for herself.

Back then, when a woman walked into a room with a Birkin, questions were posed like “Who is she?” and “Who is she married to?” In the early 2000s, spotting a celebrity with a Birkin was like witnessing wealth in motion. Victoria Beckham famously amassed a collection worth millions. Kim Kardashian’s closet included one-of-a-kind crocodile Birkins, and Paris Hilton toted a hot pink Birkin as part of her quintessential Y2K look, paired with her phrase “That’s hot”. To the masses, the bag wasn’t just a luxury item. It defined the era’s aspirational culture through the pages of People Magazine and gossip blog exposées long before social media feeds snagged our undivided attention.

Nowadays, we’ve seen everyone from Saweetie busting into a split for her birthday Birkins to your favorite YouTube baddie toting the bag ever so casually in her OOTD posts. A Birkin bag is beyond the bourgeoisie-core gracing our TikTok timelines; It’s a cultural icon, a modern-day crown for those who’ve “made it.” For decades, owning a Birkin has signified more than wealth, but as a declaration of status, exclusivity, and belonging to the elites while maintaining separation from the obsolete.

But as of last week, that exclusivity is being challenged. Enter the Wirkin, otherwise known as the “Walmart Birkin.” At just $78, this affordable dupe has flipped the script, allowing anyone to emulate the elite aesthetic without the unattainable price tag. But what happens when a symbol of exclusivity becomes a little too accessible? Does the Birkin still hold its weight as a marker of social status, or has its meaning been lost in the sauce of Canal Street knockoffs and now, as of recently, the social-media-proclaimed successor, the Wirkin? Let’s dive deep; walk with me for a moment.

Read more

I’m a creature of habit, and whenever I order Thai takeout, I always get Spicy Basil Sauce with Shrimp. Instead of breaking my budget, I closed out the Uber Eats app and compromised with my taste buds.

I went to the grocery store and picked up everything I needed to make this sweet and spicy basil sauce with bok choy and coconut lime rice. Since then, it’s been in heavy rotation as a meal-prep staple and a fan favorite among my friends and family.

The lamb and bok choy are perfectly seared, but the show's star is the basil sauce, with just the right amount of heat and sweetness. Add this dish to your recipe stash, and you’ll have everyone drooling for more.’

🌶 Sweet + Spicy Basil Sauce with Lamb Chops and Coconut Lime Rice

Ingredients

[Prep Time: 20 mins]

[Cook Time: 40 mins]

• 2 lbs lamb chops

• 6 baby bok choy, halved

• 2 cups jasmine rice (uncooked)

• 2 tbsp unsalted butter

• 2 cups coconut water

• 1 1/4 cups coconut milk

• A handful of basil

• 5 cloves garlic, diced

• 1 tbsp ginger, diced

• 1 shallot, diced

• 1 mini red pepper, sliced

• 1 jalapeño, sliced

• 3-4 scallion stalks, sliced

• Juice of 1 lime

• 4 tbsp sesame oil

• 2-3 tbsp tamari soy sauce

• 2 tbsp honey

• 2 tbsp rice wine vinegar

• 1 tbsp oyster sauce

• 1/2 tbsp fish sauce

• 1 tsp salt

• 1 tsp pepper

• 1/2 tbsp red pepper flakes

• 1/2 tsp onion powder

• 1/2 tsp garlic powder

• 1/2 tsp sage

• A handful of sesame seeds

Instructions

1. Season the lamb chops with salt, pepper, onion powder, and garlic powder.

2. Melt the butter over medium-high heat. Once the pan is hot, sear the lamb chops on both sides for 3-4 minutes each.

3. Add a little sesame oil to the same pan and cook the bok choy flat side down over medium heat until golden brown.

4. Combine the jasmine rice, coconut water, coconut milk, and lime juice in a pot. Bring it to a boil, then lower the heat and cook as directed for 15-20 minutes.

5. Heat a bit more sesame oil and cook the basil until it becomes fragrant and wilted. Set it aside.

6. Heat the remaining sesame oil in the same pan and stir in the shallot, garlic, and red pepper flakes.

7. Add the red pepper and jalapeño to the pan. Sauté for a few minutes, then toss in the ginger and cook for another few minutes.

8. Pour in the tamari, fish sauce, honey, oyster sauce, and rice wine vinegar. Stir everything together and let it cook for a few minutes before adding the basil.

9. Toss the lamb chops into the sauce and coat them evenly with the glaze.

10. Plate the coconut rice, bok choy, and lamb chops, then drizzle more sauce on top.

11. Serve and enjoy!