Solitary,

Traipsing.

At heart, I’m a gypsy.

Just me…

Traveling,

Exploring,

As whims strike me.

My identity…

Disappearing,

Morphing,

Becoming more me.

Unattached…

No strings.

Few belongings

I feel light; I have wings.

I roam…

I’ve left my home,

And my cat,

With a chaperone.

I don’t miss my home…

But my cat

May languish;

For her I long.

This single ache

Keeps me awake

Enough to break

The gypsy spell.

I want

To wander,

To be gone

For longer.

But my feline’s

Captured me.

I’m on a leash,

Her devotee

.

Skin dry

Wrinkled and ashy.

We stand,

Wind gently blowing,

Dresses swaying like tree limbs.

Wearing our lives

Like rich jewels

Against our kaftans.

Contented

In our older bodies

We are alive.

We were friends

Long ago,

When I didn’t know myself.

I thought I knew

Both of you;

But how could I?

I was consumed,

hiding myself,

Seeking safety & praise.

Blinded by

My fear

Of being seen.

I stood alone

Spending all my energy on not being afraid.

I was a stone.

A critic

Of myself and the world,

Rigid and cold.

The rain of life

coursed, wearing grooves,

Breaking me down.

Dormant in the ground,

Tender new life

Began to sprout.

Soft and green

I know less, it seems,

But welcome being seen.

We stand strong,

Three trees,

Rooted, grounded.

Gently moving

In earth’s flow

We glow.

How sweet

This reunion.

A celebration

Of our life journeys,

And each other.

Seeds of wisdom

Have taken root.

We thrive and grow,

Wise as trees.

Growing peace,

Three trees.

In full bloom.

the pinnacle

The height of life,

Before decline.

Backyard parties

Barbeques

Sunning & swimming

In the pool.

Too hot?

Get wet.

I never wore

A hat back then.

As a teen

My swimsuit was

my sexiest clothing

I wanted to be seen.

Seeking approval

Seeking men

Now much less

Than I was then.

When fall came

It meant decline

A dying -

Summer’s, but also mine.

Summer’s here

Sweltering

Taking refuge now

Inside the cool

I walk early

Before sun’s shining

Always a hat

Careful timing.

Now I welcome

Summer’s decline

Although it means

Things are dying.

I’ve turned down

the volume

but I’m hearing

More clearly.

I’m doing less,

But choosing things

With

More meaning.

The sun’s too hot for me,

So I’m inside.

My cat agrees

Flopped on her side.

for my “Little Miss”

More than a cat

She’s precocious.

Tortoise-shell

And oh-so cute

One whisker white, one black

And a tan boot.

She was my son’s

But now she’s mine;

He accused me of stealing her

It wasn’t by design.

We’re at home together

More than others

He has his girlfriend

I’m a lone mother.

Watering the garden

She playfully stalks

Grass or a moth

Pouncing across

In the morning

She comes for walks

When all is new,

Even our thoughts.

I even love her waking me

Before I’m ready

Sniffing my face to tell me

It’s time for breakfast

A proud prowler

She has a special growl

Telling me when she’s got

A mouse in her mouth.

On her pillow above my head

At night in bed

I pet her blindly.

She purrs, then bites me.

She’s feisty and sweet

My life is richer

and more complete

With her in the picture

So young

Handsome like a movie star

A young man of 20 something.

You aren’t wearing

Your signature glasses

Black rimmed and thick.

Intimidating.

I imagine you recently arrived

From the old country,

Your expression so naïve and sunny

Not one I grew to know.

Now sitting cross-legged,

Debonair with hands folded on lap

On the edge of a fountain

A student, at University.

I see my son’s face in yours

I see what looks like hope,

something I never knew in you.

Something he lost too.

But as you aged,

After your stroke

You became cheery,

You had hope.

Now I see you as an old man

Happy again.

No longer a cynic

Or a hypercritic.

I’m grateful for those later years

No longer driven by fear

To know you as an adult

To dialogue and debate, but mostly love.

At the end, retelling all the stories

Of your charmed life, and shenanigans

You accomplished much and loved so well.

A life well-lived.

Rushing, racing,

to destination

Last one to show up.

I’m working on

Letting go

Listening for soul

No forcing, less goals.

I’m waiting for

The earthquake of my divorce to end

And echoing tremors

To finally settle.

I’m waiting to hear

As I self-care and heal

My soul is quiet

It’s silent, I fear.

I’m waiting for the time

When I can truly say

I’m free of shame

And blame.

I’m waiting for my son

To grow out of his rage.

Maybe he’s bi-polar,

And it’s not his age.

I’m waiting to want

To embrace my grief,

To feel it all.

Maybe next week.

Things I carry;

I used larger purses

But I got weary.

Bare minimum,

On the barest basis:

Wallet, phone

And keys to places.

Less keys now,

And less places.

I’m shedding jobs

And have more space.

Days and dates

Blend into each other,

Although I write the date

Each day in my journal.

Time to reflect,

And time to muse

About life, and learning,

My world views.

My load is lighter

I don’t need a lot.

Happiness is inside,

Or it’s not.

A peeling of an onion

Skins falling away

Each skin shed reveals something new

I’m late in learning to let go

Shrugging off control

The illusion of forcing outcomes,

So we feel we’re in the know

Who am I really

At the very core

Who is this soul

I’m just getting to know

The business she built isn’t her

Her clothes and hair aren’t her

Her failed marriage isn’t her

Her creations, not even those were

She may be the one who observes, asking

Who is this observing?

Who is seeing,

Experiencing?

That is closer

But it’s a slippery view

In a multi-paneled mirror

And she flits away from you

More skins unfurl

Changes, yet core remains

As she gets closer

To her surprise, familiar terrain

Our hearts are frayed

Accusers accused

The accused refuse

Justice to be done.

Money is driving

Many a bargain

Leaders conniving

Only rich thriving

In a nonsense world

Like Opposites Day

When black is white,

Up is down,

Bad is good

And fighting’s right

Chaos reigns,

Across the sky, darkness has crossed

More bones are found

On the fire they’re tossed

We work grimly without sound.

But it only takes one

to begin the gathering,

to stir the cauldron

Together in union

Cultivating our energies

The time is near

A Golden Age will dawn

When love will eclipse fear

Time to embrace

The blessings of Mother Earth

Calling me

Demanding my gaze

It’s come out to play

Full blue moon

I use to tune

Release the past

Of what I’ve asked

The moon’s magic

Ensconces me

A candle ceremony

I burned words

You always see better with your heart

So I’ve been told

By wise people

Who seem to see clearly, and have heart

As a young girl, I put my heart in subservience

It wouldn’t rule me,

Wouldn’t be allowed to make me sad

I was firmly in charge, and didn’t want to feel.

Refused to be vulnerable like my mom

Who was so sad she cried often

Wailing “why me” and “I try so hard!”,

My father ridiculing her for her emotion.

Before my mid-life crisis, I strove

To conquer, amass, win in a man’s world.

I had shut away my heart so successfully

I never heard from it.

My midlife crisis awakened me through unexpected love

My heart was awakened from its slumber.

I now spend hours seeking my heart

Clearing mental chatter to hear it.

It’s a matter of trust now, I suppose

To trust what I hear; did I hear that?

My heart wants to know if I can be trusted

To listen to what it has to say.

My mind is so loud, and logical

Dismissing intuition, and matters of the heart

Urging me to “be productive”

A man-made construct to avoid being present

I don’t know much about seeing better with my heart

I do know any other way is distorted vision,

A way to cope and survive,

Afraid to fall into the abyss of feelings.

For their red flesh

Plump, sun-warmed,

Sliced, with salt

Alchemy in the kitchen

Where I love to create

Sauces, & sumptuous complexities

And my famous Goddess salsa

Tomatoes have been a life-long love affair.

I was told I had to break up with them,

Dangerous, insidious nightshades,

I rejected them to heal my gut

Is my abstinence from my love permanent?

Is my healing journey endless?

When I reached a healing plateau,

I gratefully approached my long-lost love

I tasted the juicy flesh like never before

Appreciation and euphoria at our reunion.

Until something is lost,

It seems we don’t treasure it.

But maybe tomatoes are not my true love…

Struggling again with inflammation,

I’m once again abstinent.

Content to be solo this time, though.

All my life, a proving ground

Armored to the hilt

Avoiding pain

Life was something to bear, to overcome

To be immune to

To protect against

To mask myself from

Most of life spent in hiding, fight or flight

Numbing to avoid pain & sight

Afraid to be consumed

Falling into an emotional abyss

Growth comes in spirals, like a woman

Being soft is strong

Vulnerability is courage

Joy sprouts from the fertile soil of grief

Growing love and patience,

Gentleness for myself

Kindness for others

Love is boundless

A bottomless well of love and light

Kindness and love redeems all

Beyond the mask is light

My light shines bright as the sun!

Grateful for my journey

For teachers’ insights

Giving me courage

To leap over the chasm to light

Avoiding pain my goal

A change came to me at last

Now I’m listening for my soul

I thought I was fragile

Numbed so I wouldn’t be sad

Fighting an inner battle

Afraid of being sad

Working through things

Inner work & silence

Yoga & sacred gatherings

Grateful for the guidance

Learning to move slow

Intention to be kind

To myself & those I know

Quieting my mind

Sometimes I’m caught

If someone disagrees

For a while I forgot

I only need to breathe

I’ve fallen often

I’m upright now

And feeling awesome.

What is “true love”?

A fairytale

Made up by Disney

For females.

What does it mean

To “fall” in love?

I don’t think I’ve known

After 62 years.

I love my children

And my cat

My groom’s a “was-band”

No others that

I could consider

My true love;

I’ve only fallen

But never loved.

Has a tail

She chirps and purrs

When feeling swell

She sweetly sleeps

Next to me

Tail curls lovingly

Brushes and tickles me

She prepares to leap

Her tail is her helm,

Guiding her way

Jerking and swaying

When scared she puffs it up

Like punks in a pond

Like dough that’s plumped

A menacing magic wand

There’s a crook

At her tails end

Hidden to most

Revealed to friends

She is my familiar

I am hers

But a cat is sovereign

On her own terms

A spark lit the night

I was drawn to you

Taboo, but right

You woke me from a coma

Sleeping my life away

I was soldiering on

My soul not okay

You gave me music

I felt seen

For the first time in decades

Life had meaning

Alive and on fire

My soul started to rise

Blossoming, thriving,

Gazing into your eyes.

Your kiss was electric,

Like never before

(And never again since).

I needed more.

The fire was roaring

Giving us life

But threatening to consume

Us in our flight

Our choices were few

Continue or end;

We chose our children,

And marriages to mend.

I became depressed

Having made this choice

I mourned our love,

Guitar and voice.

Ten years later

I saw you again.

I’m not the same

As I was back then.

It’s good to see you

Without butterflies

Connect again,

A nice surprise.

It wasn’t a lifetime

But for a reason.

You breathed me back to life

During our season.

Nose to the grindstone

A saying of old

A current condition

Our freedom was sold

Working for yourself

Or for the man

You’ll work all your life

That is the plan

Only the children

And elderly

Are allowed to live

Work-free

Is money the culprit

Or is it power

They come together

As if to devour

Carefree existence

To do what we please

Kindness & good will lost

The worst disease

We’re sick with worry

About our survival

All our lives

Is a fiscal trial

I regret the day

We created work

An exchange system

Money for worth

Once you have it

You can rule

Put others down

A system that’s cruel

I no longer bow

To the god of wealth

I’m investing in kindness,

and mental health

He is so tortured

A soul in pain

I want to help

But I’m pushed away

It’s his journey

I remind myself

We each choose before

incarnating ourselves

I chose addiction

And so did he

A life of angst

He’s so unhappy

I want to comfort

But he’s with his girl

She takes his abuse

She’s stuck in his world

I’m learning new ways

To comfort within

I want clarity,

Not numbing again

I’ll work on me

That’s what I can do

It’s all anyone

Can do, in truth

By the grace of Goddess

I will make it through

May he be moved

Ever closer to truth

I am seeking an original one

Creating, I want new and fresh

Hard to do as I’m a mesh

Of memories, old and new

Songs & lyrics, to re-do

Much of art is rehashing

Most creation is a mashing

Chords and progressions that we know

From songs written long ago

Or unique art that haunted us

To re-create and re-adjust

I try though, to not repeat

Well-known images, or a beat

It’s not just copyrights I fear

I want uniqueness to appear

It’s hard though – my mind explores

Melodies I’ve heard before

Dissecting what I love in them

Hoping to create a new gem

The inner critic cripples me

Tells me I’m not worthy

Not good enough to shine beyond

Some pedestrian art or song

I sit before an empty sheet

Praying to the muse to grant me

A little trust, and some luck

A masterpiece I might construct