I am moving

I have a wonderful home to move to

In the state I love

I walk this now nearly empty house

Taped boxes stacked ready for the move

Fear grips me

Stomach clenches

Lightheaded

I plop to the floor

Focused on my breath

I tell myself I am choosing this move

I tell myself I am not running

My life is no longer about hiding

Yet my heart continues to pound

I don't want to be homeless
I want to have my belongings near me
I don't want to be consumed by them tho
I want to live a simple life and yet
I don't want to simply live
I want to thrive
I don't want to live in fear and
I want to learn from those fears
I don't want to give up on myself
I want to feel empowered
I don't want to spiral down
I want to be surrounded by love
I don't want to stop it
I want to spread it with every single breath

She hid
She hid behind the dresser
She hid behind a big grin
She hid in the woods behind that house
She hid in the dumpsters of the apartments
She hid behind snappy retorts
She hid behind spreading her legs
She hid in books and in songs
She hid behind men
She hid behind illnesses
She hid
She hid all the time

I found all the hiding spots
I found her voice
I am setting her free

All the potential

All the things I thought you would take away
I have now
All the things I wanted to do someday
I am doing now

All that I hoped to be someday
I am now

Today I sat outside
A coyote
A butterfly
A hare
A quail
A lizard

Endless possibilities
Transformation
Growth
Nourishment
Sensitive perception

Tilted
Upended
Cracked open

There is the 20 year old who has slit her wrists

There is the mother aching and grateful

There is the parent grieving for the other parents

All those people inside of me

I am all of them at once while cycling through each of them

One moment a child shrinking inside

The next a voice feeling called to speak

To take action

Help our children

I’ve only known unconditional love from my boys

Until you

I’ve only felt accepted and seen by my boys

This whatever this is

Is like a roller coaster ride

The anticipation building

The flip-flop stomach

The rush

This whatever this is

Is all new to me

I don’t want it to end

I only want more

To know you more

To care for you more

To love you more

To see you

More

The smell

Green life

Dirt in my hands

I like the wind

Blowing hard

Whipping my hair around

My very own tornado

I like sunsets

Almost as much as sunrises

Potential

Breath

I like open spaces

Seeing earth to the horizon

Mountains right-sizing me

I like cozy rooms

Wood bookshelves full of books

Blankets for snuggling

I like reading

Period

I like James Garner

Love is a better descriptor

I like turquoise

The color and the stone

The southwest

I like being comfortable

And want others to be too

I like laughing

I like loving

I like making lists of possibilities

I like dreaming

I started to write this morning
I'm sure the same old shit
Something about fear
Another nightmare
What's to analyze
So I stopped
And stepped outside
Breathed in that big sky
The sun not quite there yet
Shadowy clouds
Calmness
Reflecting now

No more fear out of habit

Taking inventory of a blessed life

I never was an optimist

Yet here I sit

Watching the Arizona sun set

Breathing in the coldness of this desert landscape

The cooing mingled with my sons’ voices

Mummy Mountain in the distance

Time for dinner

Family dinner

In our kitchen

Filled with love

Scrawny

Spunky

Maybe broken

I have a picture of you at

22

Skinny

Snarky

A little broken

I have a picture of you at

30

Settling in

Smarter

Mending the broken

I have a picture of you

Finally of the future

Softer

Simple

More stable than broken

You were wrong about me
I am so much more than you believed
So much more than you ever said
Those knives you drove into me everyday
The lies cutting me
Every word a slice
I never thought I could heal

I made it thru her gunshot
I made it thru those god damn cousins
I made it thru that orphanage
Survived it all
I made it thru the confusion and upheaval
You are no match for me
I made it thru so much worse than you
Surviving you is nothing
You are nothing
Up against me
I will win every time
I am a survivor
I am healed from you and so much more

Just the right amount of wear and tear

Still have all my parts

Grateful

Aches and pains are proof I’m human

In my body

I accept it all

The weight of living

Feminine curves

Fifty some years of living

Is what I see in the mirror

A warm smile and

A glowing spirit

I’m beautifully alive

I was hacked
First my credit card 
Then my laptop
I was hacked
Horror movie images
Hacked
Chopped
Into little pieces
Me
Scattered about
Discarded

I'm putting myself back
Together
Changing in this new
world without him
Stronger
Happier
I was hacked
I am becoming whole
Starting over
Changing the image I 
have of myself
Changing my story

I have the habit of waiting

too long

A fear of doing wrong

keeps me frozen

I have the habit of doubting myself

My actions my thoughts my abilities

I have the habit of replaying old conversations

Over and over in my mind

I have the habit of holding on

Hoard everything

I have the habit of making lists

I have the habit of waking

Thankfully

Every morning so far

I have habits

Good healthy ones

Some bad ones too

Grateful for the habit of

perseverance

I uttered those words

Or did I shout them from a

mountain top

I am not broken

Whether one or both

I said it in my heart

Now it beats with me

I can feel its truth

I am not broken

never was

Never can be

Doing

Able

Focus on the health

Who knows tomorrow

I could have cancer again

I could have decline

It’ll all probably happen

Some day

My fear

Stops my breath

Refocus

I’m healthy today

Right now

I can walk and dance

Be with my kids

I can read and converse

Laugh and have fun

Now

All that matters is the now

Nearly everything

Starting so young

I still remember the thrill of learning one hundred

I counted to keep track of time

I counted people as they walked by

I counted the fire escapes along the buildings

I counted the roof tops as I jumped from one to the next

I counted the cans of food when we had them

I counted the cereal before each bite

I counted the cracks in the sidewalk as I avoided them

I counted her drinks

I counted her men

I counted her breathes

I counted how long I could hold mine

I counted the people on the bus

I counted the door slams

I counted the Fuck Offs and Damn Yous

I counted the pills on the coffee table

I counted the punches and slaps

I counted my bruises

I counted as I fell asleep

I counted as I swung in the orphanage playground

I counted the parents who passed me by

I learned to count days

Keep track in my head

I counted all the way to my new family

I counted the stairs

I counted the light switches

I counted the rooms

I counted my thank yous

Until I lost count

I choose love

Even when it makes me scared

Even when it makes me mean

Even when it makes me sad

Even when it makes me feel lost and out of control

I choose love



I choose to let go

I choose now

I choose compassion

I choose growth

I choose life

I choose love