So many people desire stages. I remember the zeal when I first gave my life to Jesus in April of 2022. I begged God, “Put me on the biggest stage; I’ll bring them the gospel. I want to see millions of people saved, healed, delivered, and set free.” The boldness was beautiful. But I had not been discipled, sanctified, and humbled to steward such a platform. I attributed power to the stage, not the Spirit. I didn’t know what leadership really cost. True leadership is to serve, to sacrifice, to be constantly misjudged and misunderstood. Jesus shows us that to the fullest extent.

Now I ask God to keep me off stages until I’m humble enough and ready to steward it.

Yet for whatever reason, God has recently allowed me to start stepping in the spotlight. The success I’m experiencing in my music platform right now is an incredible gift but has simultaneously led to some of the deepest grief I have ever felt. My life is moving at a faster pace than I am. The change is beautiful but also alienating, and sometimes I feel as if I’m wearing someone else’s corpse, living someone else’s life, who isn’t mine. The change has also brought loss — of relationships, identity, expectations, and the only place I have ever truly called home. People treat me differently now. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt grief or loneliness in this way. But maybe that’s because, for the first time, I’m finally letting myself feel things.

I desperately need more gratitude in my life. I am aware of this. I am also aware that grief is real, and I’m allowed to feel it, mourn it, and allow myself to give it the time it needs to breathe before shoving it down and trudging on.

Tbh lately I’ve been fighting the urge to give this whole platform up, to run away from social media entirely, and keep my art and life private, away from the judgement and exposure. I don’t want my platform anymore, and I mean that. But that would be MY choice - living for comfort. In loving God, He’s given me a burden to reach people who are running from His love and show them that they can receive it. And I believe an important piece of that is choosing to be light in a dark place, even when that darkness feels increasingly heavy. This burden comes with suffering, but I’m willing to face it. Suffering produces endurance, produces character, produces hope.

You & I are not without hope.

Just read Romans 5.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. But you can both love it and not want it. I’m not going to quit. It’s just harder than I thought it would be. I’m working on a ton of music right now. But I’m also learning to live life. I’m not a machine, and neither are you. Remember to look up, to dance, to play, to rest, to give and receive love. Culture will never teach you that, but the Word of God will.

This journal is not meant to discourage you from chasing your dreams or building the change you long to see in the world. It’s meant to show you that you can both chase your dreams and remain human. You’re allowed to fail. You can feel the pain and suffering, and not consider it a waste of time. This honesty will give you air in your lungs and wind in your sails. You won’t have to suffocate anymore. Leadership is lonely, but it’s absolutely worth it.

so hii, thanks for reading this far. You may know that I’m a music artist by trade, and that I create a large amount of short-form content on social media. I’m able to reach a large audience through relatable content hooks, instant gratification, and aesthetics, but it doing so, I’m often unable to paint the whole picture of my art. I’m done settling for that. In this increasingly performative world, I vow to always show up honest with you guys.

I’m going to start sharing more of my journals, because I’m already writing them. This doesn’t feel like a product; it feels like honesty. And I love that. I need more of that. We all do.

Feel free to hit subscribe if you wanna keep tuning in. No clue where this is headed, but, hey, that’s how this whole journey has felt the whole time anyway. It’s more fun when I don’t know what’s coming.

thx for tuning into me, my thoughts, and my music. I hope you find a little of yourself in these pages.

~ Grace <3