I’m coming to you late two weeks in a row, and while I hate to make excuses all I can ask is:

Is anyone else exhausted?

Holy moly this summer has been busy. And while of course it’s all been for fun things that we wouldn’t want to miss, as someone who loves time to putz and meander, I am wiped.

But my tiredness isn’t all to blame for my tardiness. I was finding it hard to write what I had planned for this week because something else has been occupying my mind that’s a bit of a doozy. I know I promised you a lighter-hearted newsletter with my rebrand, but alas, I’m not one to force words and I can’t write about running when my tennis shoes remain untouched in the closet.

And trust me, I wish my brain space was going towards things that make me happy like fall décor or plans for the upcoming cozy season (HAPPY SEPTEMBER 1st TO ALL WHO CELEBRATE!!!) like I intended for this newsletter, but that wasn’t my reality this week.

I guess the best way I could put it is: I’ve been feeling a little lonely.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing how ironic this sounds considering I just mentioned how busy we’ve been. But I guess it just goes to show that loneliness isn’t always correlated to the number of people around you.

This thought thread began when I was on my couch scrolling Pinterest instead of doing chores while Jesse napped. As I pinned pretty image after pretty image, I was getting giddy just looking at all the beautiful pictures (homes, scenic landscapes, small towns, you know, the good stuff). There’s something about beautiful things that makes me feel alive. It stirs something in my spirit that’s like, This is it. This is who you are.

But beneath those feelings of wonder, awe, wholeness, there’s this slight twinge of sadness. I don’t know what causes it exactly, maybe because I’m feeling nostalgia for the present?

And then I thought, Do other people feel this way too or am I alone in this?

It’s a thought I have often and the reason you’re reading this newsletter.

Because the linchpin of my writing, why I keep putting myself out there, is this: I’m hoping there’s someone out there that feels the same way I do.

Every time I publish words it’s me tossing out a net to see if anyone can relate. It’s like I am that guy in the Titanic shouting, “Is anybody out there?!” over and over and over.

And not only do I want to be understood (I do), but I also want people to know they’re not alone in this. Life is hard and messy, and most of us weren’t given the manual on how to communicate those things with others. Anytime someone messages me some version of “Me too,” after I share something vulnerable online, it’s like a ping to my soul: This is what you’re here to do.

Writing and reading feels like the safest means of connection to me. They’ve always been. As someone who grew up with big feelings and wasn’t (still isn’t) sure how to express them IRL, it’s comforting seeing someone else who thinks or feels the same way I do. Oh how lovely, I’m not the only one who feels like they could burst with happiness at the first sign of fall.

It’s why I love to read personal essays and memoirs, why I love to watch YouTube vlogs from people’s “day in the life,” and why I never skip the about the author section on a book cover.

Because I want to know people–how they spend their days, where they live (why does that sound so creepy?), what their family dynamic looks like, what they think about, who they are.

When I’m reading or writing it’s like I am the baby bird from one of my son’s favorite books, “Are You My Mother?” who walks up to all the different animals in search of finding his mom (a bird, duh).

If only it was that easy.

I know I’m not alone in my desire and struggle to find community, but what does that even mean these days? Because online community is one thing—and I do want that—but what about, let’s say, community in real life?

As someone who writes their feelings behind a computer screen, I’m all talk, no bite. I want meaningful connection yet I often struggle to express myself fully in person. It’s not that I lie, I just find myself withholding what’s actually on my mind for a myriad of reasons: I don’t want to rock the boat if my opinion differs (hello, people pleaser), I don’t want to come off as selfish by talking about my problems, I don’t want anyone to worry about me, and sharing anything remotely vulnerable makes me want to jump off a cliff. I’ve only ever known to process things internally—hence my lifelong love of journaling.

After all, who wants to discuss my current wrestles with God in the middle of a kid’s birthday party?

God, that’s another huge part of all this. I want more believers in my life. And not just in my life like once a week on Sunday, but to be in community with. Coming back to the faith as an adult when I’m out of practice of making friends is hard. (See above about talking to people about anything personal.) The thought of making the effort to build new relationships feels alien.

Yet I want to be known. Known, that’s the word I keep coming back to. Weirdly this summer keeps bringing up old wounds from when I was thirteen (like the impetus of this newsletter), and that desire to be known is one of them.

But that’s a story for another day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m still looking. For community. For belonging. For the right words. For… I don’t know, some balls? Sorry, I had to.

As for now, I’ll be here continuing to toss out my net, hoping to catch some people who maybe feel like I do. And I guess I should work on opening up when I’m not behind a computer screen. No promises though.

This past weekend we celebrated my son’s first birthday!!! Cue all the happy and sad tears.

I can’t believe he’s one. I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by (with the exception of the first four sleepless months. Those felt like an eternity.) He’s getting so big and it’s so fun to watch him get better at walking and saying more words, but I also feel like I am grasping at straws with time passing so quickly. I just want him to stay in each phase a little longer.

This also marks one year of motherhood for me, the most transformative year of my life. Parents always say this, but I truly didn’t know it was possible to love something so much. It really is unfathomable until you experience it yourself.

I don’t know where to begin to describe all the ways that becoming a mom has changed me, but if I could use one word to describe it, it would be peace. Which is ironic considering life has never been more chaotic–my house never messier, I’m constantly running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get things done, the never-ending tasks on my mental to do list growing at a rapid rate.

But nothing has grounded me more than having a baby. When I feel stressed or sad or overwhelmed or not enough or angry or any other negative feeling, I take one look at my beautiful son and I am at complete peace. When I start getting in my head about all the other desires in my heart and fear that they may never come to fruition, I always come back to this: I already have everything. I could go the rest of my life getting nothing else I want and I would be fulfilled. Being Jesse’s mom has made me feel whole.

I can’t believe how easily I could have missed this had I not taken the risk and tried for a baby because life didn’t look like how I wanted it to before getting pregnant…

Read more

For the first time maybe ever, I’m not ready for fall.

In part because I am not mentally ready to be hunkered down for a long winter with a baby/soon-to-be-todder who is constantly on the move, and also because this is my first (and only) summer with this baby. 

As much as I love to watch my son grow and learn new things, I want him to be this age, this little, forever. It’s the most bittersweet part of being a parent. 

But this tug of war has its advantages. For starters, it makes me want to squeeze every. last. drop. out of life. Do more things for the fun of it. And there’s something about summer that feels like if there’s gonna be a time to do them, the time is now, baby. The chores can wait.

Read more

As my first “official” post back, I must start with the biggest change in my life since I last wrote, let alone MY LIFE.

I’m a mom.

*Pauses for clapping.*

Yes, yes, that’s right. I’m a mommy to the most perfect baby, my son, Jesse.

I want to back up a bit though to my birth experience because I looooove talking about pregnancy and childbirth. In case you missed it, I actually trained to become a doula. I love reading/watching other peoples’ birth stories, so I figured I would share my own.

Like most first time moms, I was absolutely convinced that Jesse was going to come early, especially after I had a false alarm thinking my water broke in July (I may have just peed my pants a little…. sorry, TMI). So even though my due date wasn’t until August 21st, as soon as August hit, I thought he would make his appearance any minute.

Let me tell you, the last few weeks of pregnancy are hard enough as is because of how large and uncomfortable you are. But the worst part for me was the anticipation of knowing my life was about to drastically change and I was just sitting there twiddling my thumbs, waiting.

Every time I felt a cramp or Braxton Hicks contraction, there would be a brief moment of excitement/panic, and then it would turn out to be nothing. My patience was waning and the month kept passing by.

Until…

Read more

Hiiiii!!!!

It’s been a minute since we chatted, but we are back people!! Not only with a new name, but a slightly different agenda.

I guess I’ll start with how this came about.

You know (because I won’t shut up about it) that a significant portion of my writing has been about trying to find meaning in my life, specifically in regards to my career. (Please peruse my Substack archives for evidence.)

I thought that the best way I could make a positive impact with my writing was by sharing “hard” things so that other people experiencing them would feel less alone. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I believed that in order for anything to be meaningful, it had to be deep…

I was wrong.

[PAUSE: If you were a paying subscriber to this Substack before, the payments are back on if you need to change your settings.]

I think because I struggled with my mental health for so long, I thought the only way to get back the time I lost was to make something directly from it. That by sharing my struggles, if I was able to help one person, it would all be worth it.

But in doing this, it felt like I kept reopening a wound that I wanted to heal, reinforcing an identity I wanted to move past.

Not to mention, writing itself felt hard from being so heavy. Because let me tell you – nothing will kill your creativity faster than believing it has to mean so much to someone.

I was questioning whether I should finally jump the writing ship altogether. No one was asking me to do it, so why did I keep playing a losing game? It wasn’t making me money, and it wasn’t making me happy. And now that I’m a mom(!!!), my time is especially limited.

I decided that if I was going to continue, I needed to find joy in it.

But how exactly?

And then I was triggered by a girl’s bikini pic.

I was scrolling on Instagram when I came across a beautifully aesthetic yet “meaningless” picture of an influencer on a beach. The picture had only been up for a few minutes and already had thousands of likes. The photo probably took minimal effort to take, edit, and post. It wasn’t serious in the slightest, yet that’s what people liked.

I compared that to my deeply personal posts that take time and effort and leave me with a vulnerability hungover. I’m lucky to get anyone to engage. Yes, this is embarrassing for me to admit, but I promise I will get to the point.

I was so mad (*cough* jealous) that people cared so much more about a “superficial” photo than something “meaningful.” Why did it feel like people who pursued “easier” things were always being rewarded, when all I did was try and try and try and have nothing to show for it? Cue the world’s smallest violin…

It reminded me of when I read Matthew McConaughey’s memoir Greenlights while I was trying to get a book deal. I picked it up because I thought I would find an inspirational story of grit that ultimately led him to becoming a successful actor and I could use it as motivation to keep fighting the good fight.

If you haven’t read it–SPOILER–that’s not what happens.

He pretty much shows up in LA, is told to galivant around Europe for the summer, comes back, and lands his first audition that skyrockets his career.

The end.

Back to today and that dang bikini pic: My God, I was tired of trying so hard without making any progress.

And then I realized: I am the problem.

I have been taking myself so seriously that I was completely missing out on doing things for the joy of it.

The good thing about jealousy is it tells us exactly what we want.

And you know what? I want to be happy.

I was on a walk with my son when I saw this gorgeous white house with a front porch and window planters with flowers, a couple of chairs, and an American flag for the Fourth of July.

That, I thought, is what I love.

Yes, the literal beauty of the front porch, but also all the cozy conversations that happen there.

And I realized that’s what I want to write about: All the things I’d tell you if we were sitting on porch swing together…

…The cozy home things I’m loving, the recipes I can’t stop making, the mistakes I keep repeating, the goals I’m pursuing, the tiny adventures I’m finding, the routines I’ve been trying, the lessons I’m learning (and relearning)

Not because it’s anything profound, but because I like it.

It’s like the line from my favorite Mary Oliver poem, Wild Geese:

“You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”

What do you love?

Here you will find mine.

Welcome to my newly renamed Substack, Berry Picking, a lifestyle newsletter on the beauty and adventure found in everyday life.

It’s great to be back.

Xx,

Grace

Well hello again. 

If I said time was flying it would be an understatement. I could say so much about the change and adjustment to Ohio, but I am coming to you with a specific thing to talk about: My birthday!

I LOVE birthdays, I always have. I think it’s because my mom would always bring me breakfast in bed (now passed onto Dan), and of course, there’s c…

Read more

When I was in college, I was required to take this terribly boring class about the history of different communication mediums like the newspaper, radio, and television. 

It felt like a bunch of information I would never use again, but from it came this one phrase that I remember over everything else I learned during my four years at school:

The medium is …

Read more

I am officially an Ohio resident! 

What’s funny is any time I see someone wearing a shirt with an Ohio sports team I think, Ohio!, but then I realize, Oh right, I’m here. 

Dan and I picked up the U-haul last Wednesday and quickly loaded it up with the help of my sister and brother-in-law. Though we were planning on waiting to leave early Thursday morning,…

Read more

(^ Baby Pippy in Greenville.)

Let me start off by saying: I am overwhelmed. The stress of the move has officially taken over the excitement. 

The culprits? 

1. Our U-haul is officially booked 

2. We (Dan) signed a lease for his new shop space 

This move is actually happening. And while we’ve had the keys to our new place since mid-July, the days we have left…

Read more

It’s been almost a year since I left my job. 

I remember the weight lifting off my shoulders the moment I let my boss know I was leaving. I knew it was the right decision—or so I hoped. 

I can’t help but wonder if I’ve made the most out of my time these past twelve months. Did this break do what it was meant to do? Have I learned what I needed? 

I will alw…

Read more

In last week’s post, I talked about how we’re moving, but I left out a very important detail—where.  

Drumroll please. 

We’re moving to… Ohio! 

I have had A LOT of feelings about this decision and questioned over and over whether it’s the right move. After all, for years it was something that I swore I would never do. 

There’s just something about the teena…

Read more

Last week’s post was a tee up to this week’s announcement: We’re moving! 

While this has been a long time coming, once the ball was in motion, things happened quickly. 

When we submitted an application for the house (renting not buying), I assumed we wouldn’t get it because it was the first one we looked at and there was a good amount of interest at the s…

Read more

When Dan and I were about to graduate college, we had a list of cities we were interested in living: 

Denver

Portland (Both Oregon and Maine) 

Boston

Asheville

Raleigh 

Ultimately, we landed in Raleigh, which is where we’ve been for the past seven years. While it’s been a great place to live, we knew it wasn’t forever.

Read more

Hello!! I’m back from a week off and let me start off by saying how good it feels to be back in a routine. I know vacations are fun and all, but my personality thrives on regiment. I know, I’m really fun. 

After coming home, I was thinking about beliefs and how they are the puppeteers in our lives. Our beliefs can either give us life or kill us, metaphor…

Read more

In the spirit of trying new things, last weekend I took a doula training class. 

Becoming a doula has been something I’ve been curious about for awhile, but I never gave myself the opportunity to try it out. Since I left my job in August (how has it been almost a year already??), I’ve been on the hunt for what’s next for me careerwise, and pregnancy and …

Read more

Going off to college was never a question for me. It was just what you do after graduating high school. But the closer I got to leaving, the more squirmish I was about the fact that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. 

While I was good at school, I never really excelled at anything. There was nothing that I considered “my thing.” Plenty of en…

Read more

While it’s been nice living in my cocoon click-clacking away on my laptop, I’m ready for some new energy in my life. I was content inside this little routine of mine, and then one day I woke up in need of a change—now. 

Ma…

Read more

The past few days I’ve slipped back into a desperate need to control my writing and how it relates to my future, which never turns out well. 

Writing has been the dream, the north star, the guiding principle for my life. I…

Read more

Loneliness. Ironically, it’s all around us.

I don’t have to tell you that we live in a world where it’s easier than ever to feel lonely. Instead of having relationships in real life, we spend hours on our phones, knowing how strangers spend their days rather than our own friends. We don’t talk to our neighbors and we don’t belong to religious institution…

Read more

This is part two of my healing journey. Click here to read part one. 

Read more