Spoiler alert: I still hate them.

I was never one for business, or math, or charts, or really any of that. But I was one for reading, for writing, for coming up with stories, characters, writing about love and heartbreak and everything in between. When I moved away to college with my boyfriend now (not the evil ex with the evil mother who convinced me business was better, yuck), I thought about switching back to English, to going back to doing what I love. But for some reason I didn’t. I spent my whole first year of college doing something I hated.

Now I’m graduating in the spring with a degree in something I never grew to love. Something I did only because someone else, someone who didn’t know me, told me that I should. And I am so angry with myself every day because of it. I never was one to care about the money, so I don’t know why that so easily swayed me before.

Coming from someone who didn’t follow their heart, life should be about following your dreams, finding something you love and sticking with it, following it with everything that you’ve got. We only get one life, one chance to life and we should live it to the very fullest. No one but you should dictate what you do, you are the only one who knows your heart and you’re the only one who can follow it.

When you choose something other than your heart and what you want, the only person you are disappointing is yourself. Don’t let yourself down. Never be afraid to choose the difficult path, because in the end, that’s the most rewarding

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Making mistakes is part of life, like spilling water. Sometimes water spills, and that’s okay. As long as you do everything you can to clean it up and make sure you don’t spill it again, than you’re making progress. People focus so much on getting results fast that we have lost sight of what matters most, progress.

Mistakes are how you grow. The people you look up to weren’t just born perfect, I bet if you asked them they would tell you about a trillion mistakes they’ve made to get to that point.

When you’re in school, you take tests every so often to see how far you have come and how much you have learned throughout the year. Progress is proof that you are working to change. When people make mistakes and don’t do anything to correct them or try to change what they’ve done or their behavior but they apologized, than that’s not acceptable. Apology without change is manipulation and it’s a lie.

In a relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or even parental, never demean yourself by accepting an apology without any proof of change. In my opinion, the phrase “forgive and forget” should be revised. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, effort heals wounds. I believe the phrase should be “forgive and observe.”

People want so bad to achieve a picture perfect relationship, but what about the relationship that happens behind closed doors. A relationship shouldn’t be built on avoiding issues or constant apologies without any sort of change.

A relationship should be built on communication and talking things through with one another, it should be talking about problems, apologizing and correcting behavior, not apologizing over and over again thinking that that will solve everything.

Sometimes water does spill, but you don’t have to let it sit there. Next time you make a mistake, don’t let the water stain, grab a towel and wipe it up.

Before I got to high school, I never paid a second thought to the way that I dressed. I used the wear the same hoodie and some leggings, I never felt very comfortable in anything else, and no one ever taught me much about fashion. When I went to high school, I looked around at everyone there and I wanted to shrivel up. It only got worse as the years went by. Going to the mall or to Target and I would wrap my arms around my body and frantically trying to fix my hair, I always felt so out of place, like an alien.

Spoiler alert: No amount of hiding my body or trying to fix my hair made me feel better.

I never learned how to do my makeup. When I was getting ready for prom, I had to go to my best friends house to ask her to do it. My hair too. I felt so self conscious the whole time, and so inadequate. I felt like I was failing as a girl, like being a girl was some secret club that I kept forgetting to pay my dues for. I was able to attend the monthly meetings but I never got any of the perks. Every time I walk into Sephora it’s like trying to understand Russian, so I just sprint to the perfume aisle and grab my favorite Sol de Janeiro and get out of there.

Sometimes I feel like everyone was born with it, like they’ve always just known how to do it. They’ve always known which colors go together, they know what pair of shoes to match with this outfit or with that outfit, which purse to wear, how to do their lashes, find the perfect foundation, etc.

I wish there was a crash course, a YouTube channel, a book, anything that could help me feel like I’m not just on the outside looking in. I want to feel like I’m in the club, like I’m someone people can do to and say, “do these shoes look good with this?”

I hope one day I’ll make it into the club.

When I was in my Sophomore year of high school, I got accepted into this program that would let me get my A.A. degree and I thought it was such a great opportunity. So I left my school and spent my junior and senior year of high school at the local community college.

While I was there, I met my boyfriend and we started dating the summer before senior year. When it came time to apply for college, I didn’t even finish my application for NYU, or really any out of state colleges. I only applied for a couple, only two being out of state. I changed my whole plan.

I decided that I would go to school with him and maybe eventually we could move to New York together, maybe instead of getting rid of my dream entirely, I could change it around, bend it to fit him into it.

When we started college, it was nothing like I thought it would be. People didn’t just automatically want to become friends with you, I wasn’t best friends with my roommates, and I didn’t spend every weekend exploring campus or downtown or anything.

In fact, I spent pretty much every day in my room or in class. It was probably the most lonely I’ve ever felt. And honestly, I was mad. At my boyfriend, at myself, at everyone. It seemed like everyone else had it so great and I was just there, hating everything about college when I wanted to love it so badly.

My boyfriend got to be best friends with his roommates and I would just be in my dorm, alone.

I would spend everyday wondering what my life would look like if I had just gone to New York like I wanted to. I would probably be broke but I would figure it out. Maybe I would have a social life. The thought of being long-distance sucked but maybe I could feel like I had my own life if I had gone, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m living my entire life for him.

I don’t regret being here with him. I regret not giving myself a chance.

I love my boyfriend, and we just got our first apartment together! But sometimes, when I’m watching TV or a movie, or I’m reading a book, or the sun is shining through the window in just the right way, I think of how different my life would be if I had just gone.

People always say that love is compromise, and that when your in love there are things that you will sacrifice for them. I think about that often, I think about the things I’ve given up to get me where I am and I think about how grateful I am to be in college, to have someone who loves me, to not have to do it alone.

But sometimes, I could swear that I’ve never felt more alone than I do here, in my life that I bent, and I wonder how much more I will have to bend

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