In the Old Testament of the Bible, the Israelites escape the tyranny of Egyptian rule only to be sent out into the desert. They wander for years before finding a way out.

More than a story, this parallels all change in life.

Something sucks, our body hurts, we’re miserable. We finally have enough and make a change. Or maybe something breaks to snap us out of our rut.

We’re sent into a bit of excitement/terror as life speeds up for a time.

And then things settle down into a new problem… Confusion. Uncertainty. Chaos.

We have too many options and begin to long for the familiar limits of our old circumstances. Negative memories fade faster than the positive ones and we waver.

Many people turn back and repeat old cycles. Addictions, relationships, substances, employments… Same loop, different day.

In a desert, it’s hard to know what’s right. Everything looks the same in all directions. The wind covers your footsteps so you can’t even tell where you came from.

No plants take root so your efforts seem all for naught. You’re left wondering what the point of it all is. Does anything even matter? Was your original hope just a mirage?

This is the challenge of striving for anything worthwhile in your life.

You leave the familiar comforts of your norm and voluntarily throw yourself in the desert of the unknown. And by definition, it’s bigger than you could have known.

And when you can’t track distance traveled, you have a hard time knowing if you’re actually getting anywhere.

The only way to move forward is faith.

You have to be delusional. This is what it means to believe in yourself.

To see and know that the essence of you is rooted in something deeper. Something that compels you into action toward some end.

If you “knew” what that looked like and how it would happen, you’d have already done it. You wouldn’t be in the desert.

But since there are parts of you that still doubt, sabotage, and complain, you remain a house divided. How can you enter the promise land in such a conflicted state?

That’s why the desert is essential. Only when stripped of all excuses can you see yourself as you truly are. You are confronted by painful reality.

As the grinding sands whip disbelief out of you, you find humility. The overpowering expanse of the desert wins every time.

But just as you finally fall to your knees in submission, everything changes.

The desert transforms into a land of opportunity… A sandbox full of playthings.

The skills you struggled to acquire over all those years flow effortlessly.

People will recognize your name but will not understand the change that has happened within. It is as though you are born again.

This is the road forward. The only Way. And though we’d like to think of the desert as a one time pass through, it is a cyclical season for anyone who is becoming.

And don’t be misled to think that you can become a friend of the desert or enjoy it.

By definition, the desert will strip the life from you. You cannot win, only surrender.

But each time you return, you can recognize it and not be surprised by it. That allows you the grace to endure without being fully destroyed.

It is mercy alone that allows us to survive the desert at all.

3 Grahamble Podcasts going up since my last blog:

#149 - Being Seen - The greatest challenge of life is that we cannot know what it is like to be perceived. The antidote is this is to learn to “Feel Yourself” to check in.

#150 - It Was A Good Day - My good day = Made + Moved + Meant. The challenge is allowing external validation to muddy the waters of which efforts actually matter.

#151 - Use Your Delusion - Everyone sees in part which makes our best perceptions a delusion. The challenge is knowing when you’re in a desert versus just wasting time.

Watch the video version and subscribe to my Grahambles Youtube here.

Listen to the audio versions via Spotify here.

Listen to the audio versions via Apple Podcasts here.

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A few updates:

• The book I spent 2 years working on officially published today! I’m very proud.

• My twins are about to turn 16 months old. And trying to keep up with them is a full time effort!

• I’ve decided to lean into podcasting more in lieu of short form content.

That last point is the one I want to linger on here.

AI content seems to be flooding the internet. I even posted a reaction/commentary reel on an AI clip, not realizing that it was AI. And yes, I felt dumb when I figured it out.

While the best stuff rises to the top, this just means that there is more competition.

But I don’t think this short form stuff is doing us any favors.

My experience seems to be a net negative with it. Even when I have a few good laughs or learn a thing, it’s in the context of an unregulated experience I didn’t plan for.

Which is kinda the whole reason people go to social media… It’s like a slot machine on your phone. You never know what you’re going to get.

And unfortunately this opens the door for all kinds of influences to filter in.

What may be worse is that short content takes the place of longer, more meaningful instruction that would otherwise be edifying for the mind and soul.

I’m making the effort to prioritize lectures, courses, and books over topical content.

These things require greater energy investment to create and they are harder to fake.

That last part is a big reason I’m somewhat wary of investing in a blog too much. Not because it can’t be valuable, but because AI slop can crank out text ad nauseam.

Emails grow too long. Captions become bloated. And large swathes of information get poorly summarized into a pre-digested word salad.

The result is that people get tired of reading text online. Screen burnout.

As I spent time pondering what trust in a digital age looks like over the next few years, I kept coming back to long form content.

And over the last few months I’ve been doing solo episodes of my podcast.

Appropriately, I’ve named it “Grahambles”.

Nothing fancy, I just sit in front of a camera and talk about ideas that matter to me.

It’s basically what I used to do with this blog, but in a broader context. Talking allows me to weave many ideas together to create something new. I learn as I speak.

This is much harder to fake. And most importantly, I really enjoy doing it.

I actually download and listen to every episode after publishing. It’s become one of my favorite podcasts.

So moving forward, I’ll be posting a blog here whenever I upload a new podcast. (The goal is 2x/week.)

I’ll summarize the big lesson I work through and provide a link to the episode.

To start, here is episode #148 - “You Are Alone. And That’s Okay”. (I’ll start the summaries in the next blog!)

• Watch the video on my Grahambles YouTube channel.

• Listen on Spotify

• Listen on Apple Podcasts

If you like these blogs, you’ll probably enjoy this too. And though the podcast goes back 7 years and almost 150 episodes, these Grahambles start at #105.

So thank you for sticking with the slow period this last year as I pushed my book across the finish line. Welcome to the next phase of Grahambles.

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I believe that becoming an adult begins the moment you feel the sting of nostalgia.

Not that it’s a binary switch where you are suddenly a grown up.

But rather, it’s a gradual transformation as you come to terns with the reality of life.

One of my favorite writers (Ava from Bookbear Express) once wrote about nostalgia as the pain you experience when you step out of sync with time.

If you think of the “sands of time” passing by in a river, you only feel the friction when you change pace.

Literally, you’re trying to stay still while being pierced by the photons of experience moving onward.

While this begins at different times for everyone, it is guaranteed to happen to us all.

One day, we’re carefree kids, playing in the park.

Then suddenly, some fear or anxiety grips us as we get our first glimpse of death.

It doesn’t have to be a real human death, either. It can be the loss of a pet. A favorite toy. A cherished teacher. Or even a baby tooth.

The point is that we are struck by the painful realization that all things die.

Moving from first grade to second grade is a form of death. The routine you once had is gone and new expectations are levied upon you quickly.

Moving to a new house is a form of death. Your old friends and favorite play spots are no longer the norm.

But the pain of nostalgia isn’t an immediate onset.

At first, novelty is exciting. It’s a rush of experience full of promise and opportunity.

But the moment that novelty is exposed as complexity, we pull back. This is when the first pangs of nostalgia grip us.

We long for the simplicity of what was. If only we could go back to a time when things made sense. When we knew who we were and how life worked.

We all have a choice here. We can choose to linger in the bittersweet symphony of these childish yearnings or we can boldly face forward.

It makes me wonder if the natural order of childhood experience is for it to all pass, like baby teeth.

Imagine if you saw a grown adult with a mouth full of baby teeth. It would look wrong.

And yet, this is the emotional state of so many people.

After having their first tooth ripped out they decided that the experience wasn’t fun. Instead of letting go, they were going to hold on… Come hell or high water.

And so we cling to our childhood ideals, beliefs, friendships, fears, and identities.

We choose to not move with the flow of life and become fixed in time.

But the only way to become a fully developed human is to embrace the transformation toward adulthood.

Like a caterpillar shedding its cocoon to emerge a butterfly, we have to let go.

To me, this is the value of minimalism. Or to put it in a Stoic phrase, “Momento Mori”.

When something no longer serves you or sparks joy, let it pass. Hanging on to it for fear of letting go leaves you overwhelmed and burdened by what was.

I believe that this is the single most important factor in aging well.

Those who stay energized and engaged in life are those who stay present.

Those who crumble under the weight of neurodegenerative disease and metabolic dysfunction have chosen to step off the train of time.

And it’s easy to understand why.

Life is in constant flux. Each year the pace seems to quicken as new technologies and challenges arise. The world seems alien compared to the comforts of childhood.

In reaction, we start collecting things. We rebel against learning how to use new devices. We stop entertaining new ideas.

But when we stop allowing risk into our life, we cut off the avenue for adventure.

Though we may still be technically alive, we stopped living long ago.

The only way to age well is to let go and be with.

This is a practice that starts as children and continues all the way until we take our final breath.

That’s what aging is, after all… A slow stripping away of our defense mechanisms.

You’ll lose your sex appeal, athletic prowess, verbal fluency, and social popularity.

Like a wilting flower, your physical body will wither.

But the magic of aging well is that you learn the superpower of transmutation.

If you stay attuned to life as an active participant you learn how to transform hotness into beauty. Pressure into power. Knowledge into wisdom. Energy into love.

This is the path of becoming an elder.

It’s a route that few travel and our society is suffering for it.

The good news is that it is a path available to us all if we are humble enough to heed the lesson of time…

This too shall pass, so let it go.

If you steward your portion well, you too can stand tall as an elder one day. Like a beautiful, aged oak tree framing the countryside.

The only cost is all of your baby teeth.

I went to a local fair yesterday. Like a mini version of a state fair.

Lots of food, rides, and animals.

What always strikes me when I spend time out in public is how disconnected I am from the reality of most modern people.

Meaning, I spend my days thinking about health, movement, and fitness. And yet, I can pop into an event with thousands of people who couldn’t get up a flight of stairs.

To be clear, this isn’t a value judgment about worth. That’s a separate category… We’re all worthy of love and acceptance as living, sentient, conscious creatures.

But there is the other side about physical ability, optionality, and reliability.

I see someone who is 300 pounds overweight and feel so much sorrow for them. Just imagine the discomfort of everyday activities. Putting on your shoes is a challenge.

Is that any life you’d want to live?

While I could help that person by removing them from their environment and giving them a new routine, that doesn’t solve the problem at a societal level.

The problem is truly staggering.

An entire society of people who have been tricked into entertaining themselves to death. Porn, drugs, cheap entertainment, endless screens, constant rage baiting…

How do you redirect a culture that is headed off a cliff?

It seems that the only way is to have a revival with a meaningful cultural narrative shift.

But is this possible without something tragic and drastic happening in the world? Can we just act better instead of having to destroy ourselves in another pointless war?

Universal health care is impossible until people universally care about their health.

How can we as a society bear the weight of a culture that doesn’t value health?

To be clear, I’m not blaming the individuals entirely.

Every year the food becomes less whole. Processed junk, emulsifiers, stabilizers, and petroleum additives are making it more toxic than ever.

The water is ever more polluted. People stay trapped indoors in rooms scented by forever chemicals. The paper and plastic products enter our bodies without consent.

Not to mention the fact that our money continues to be inflated to the point that each year gets more expensive than the last.

The result is a dumbed down, sick, complacent society.

When you have no energy, no ability, and no money, it’s no wonder you default to the nearest pleasures you can find.

Unfortunately, this leads to bottom feeding from a bottomless pit.

Porn, drugs, screens, and political drama have no end. You can continue to find another layer of darker, more deprived stimulus to claw at.

How can we fix this?

Of course, the churches and religious institutions cry out to welcome these lost souls in, but salvation is about far more than going through the motions.

Who will hold us accountable if we aren’t willing to do it for ourselves?

I think this is why children are so powerful. They force us to reckon with the problems of tomorrow. Otherwise, we’d have let the whole thing go centuries ago.

Our children are fresh, innocent, and free. What world do we introduce them into?

The modern answer is overwhelming apathy in defeat. Just give up and don’t have kids… Focus on yourself.

And yet, this internal directive turns into self-aggrandizing and self-centered obsession as our manufactured identities become idols we worship.

The irony is that you can only love yourself when you understand who you are and what you are doing here.

Children offer such purpose and belonging. They remind you that you are part of humanity. A bold experiment of the universe experiencing itself.

And the other irony is that children need you to show up. To be healthy, sound, and capable. They learn by observation. What are you demonstrating?

“How I wish you were either hot or cold. But instead you are lukewarm and I spit you out of my mouth.”

The modern human is complacent. We have stopped engaging with life and started biding our time. What a waste.

A random walk down Walmart breaks my heart. The suffering we experience on a daily basis is overwhelming because it is so needless.

When will we wake up and choose better?

Not just because our kids guilt us into a semblance of responsibility. But because we actually crave a better life for ourselves.

Heaven and hell are directional intentions.

Choosing to participate and strive towards health and seeing clearly is creating your own heaven. Choosing to disengage is to trap yourself in a hell of your own making.

I believe that the path toward life starts with movement. Taking a step in faith.

And I mean that literally… Learning how to stand, walk, and sprint again.

Everyone can do that, no matter how humble the start point is.

And if everyone actually did that, imagine how beautiful our future could be.

I’m trying to figure life out.

And I mean that literally… I’m trying to understand how the body works in context to a bigger experience.

I keep coming back to a trinity of sorts… Body mind spirit. Perhaps a semblance of father, son, Holy Spirit?

But the way I’m trying to attack the subject is working in tiers of pain.

Pain is the most fundamental experience. It’s something we all share and the only reality we guaranteed outside of death. But pain is more than just an “ouchie”.

Pain is a distraction. Any sensation or stimulus that pulls you away from what you had otherwise intended upon.

We’re all familiar with the physical pain. I call this Tissue Issues.

For example - you wear shoes for decades and your feet get stiff and tight. You solve that pain by wiggling your toes and ditching the foot coffins.

Physical problem, physical solution.

But then there is the issue of perception.

This is where we get into the emotional/mental blockages that keep us from interacting with our body in a way that makes sense.

You can think of these emotions and thoughts as experiences that arise from somewhere deep inside. They shade our perception like sunglasses.

If you try to explain them away they only come back stronger.

These impact our physical expression. Meaning, our “body language” is an external manifestation of the stuff that’s going on internally.

In other words, you know a dog is happy because they wag their tail. That’s not a conscious intention, but it’s communicated clearly nonetheless.

Emotional/mental blockages can present for many reasons. But it’s usually stemming from the way we learned to be as children to fit in and be loved.

And childhood rarely goes off without a hitch.

That’s where a bit of self-authoring mixed with physical therapy helps to correct the narrative. But more than talking about it, you literally learn to be it.

This is what I am currently obsessed with… Helping people understand how their body functions as a real-time map to their interiority.

When you acknowledge the internal you can better interact with the external.

The result is improved posture, performance, and potential.

But these are more than fancy words… They reflect our capacity to be in relationship with a deeper essence of life.

Whether you want to label it as God, the Universe, source, or nature, we need some name to call the container of existence that is not you.

This entity/essence is what you engage with as you move through life.

You can either reject the circumstances of your reality and choose not to participate or you can cooperate in building a life you want.

This is your spiritual posture.

Being in alignment with body, mind/heart, and spirit is a strong posture where your actions, perceptions, and intentions are united.

This is the necessary posture to pursue mastery. A willingness to learn, grow, and become the truest version of yourself.

Anything less pulls you out of alignment and into disarray.

And I mean that literally… Your posture will be warped, your mind will be scattered, your feelings will be suppressed, and your intention will be dull.

This inefficiency creates the heavy lethargy of apathy. You’re tired, weak, and lacking purpose. You end up chasing fleeting thrills and quick dopamine hits to pass the time.

But spiritual posture can sound woo-woo and unclear.

So a better way to say it is that a strong, aligned person is a competitive person. Meaning, they care enough to show up. They give a shit.

I’d like to believe that we all have the capacity to care.

But I’ve also found that the less “in shape” you are, the harder it is to show up.

I truly believe that the path to your potential is an upward spiral of mastery.

You start with stewarding your body well to mind your intake and condition your tissue.

You use this foundation to expose yourself to increasing levels of voluntary stress as a way to become a fully developed human. You’re no longer afraid to feel or think freely.

This combination creates a strong, resilient, aligned you that operates as an antennae.

You are capable of receiving insight, inspiration, and intuition about life. You have proven yourself worthy of goals, ambitions, passions, and interests.

These become the fuel that propel you forward into a rich and meaningful life.

A life of work, challenge, struggle, and failure, to be clear. No one ever said that a full life is easy. But it’s the hardships that make everything else worth it.

But when you’re working with this clean fuel of an aligned posture, the weight of the yoke feels light. You’re motivated by awe and possibility. You are pulled forward.

The challenge is that the only way you can know this is to experience it for yourself.

You can see it in others and aspire to be like them. But until you crack into this gooey center for yourself, it’ll all be conceptual and abstract.

That’s why the journey starts with the physical.

Wiggle your toes. Sweat a bit. Pick up something heavy.

Slowly but surely an adventure unfolds in front of you as long as you keep taking the next step. And that’s all you ever can do… Take the next step.

When something scares you, lean in.
When something hurts you, pay attention.
When something interests you, investigate further.

You can’t measure the change in days. But as years pass, you will transform.

This is the process of self-discovery. Of reaching your potential. Of authoring a life that’s worth living. An adventure worth having.

And it’s available to you if you’re willing to start at the beginning.

Picture a baby doll in a box sitting on a shelf in the store.

It’s a nice, pretty box with lots of ornamental design. Enough cardboard to cover up the messy stuff and a clear plastic opening to see inside.

Peering out from within is a perfect face. Plastic, smooth, shiny. Everything a company wants to present to bright eyed kids full of imagination.

Now picture a funeral with an open casket.

Again, the box is nice. Ornate with bold features and sharp edges. Enough material to cover up the messy stuff and a clear opening to see inside.

Peering out from within is a perfect face. Plastic, smooth, shiny. Everything a company wants to present to bright eyed kids full of imagination.

Except, this face used to be a human that was productized to death.

Industries are built off incentives. They start small with good intentions to help people solve problems.

But soon enough, those incentives stack as companies turn into corporations that become entities unto themselves.

Now these machines need to keep feeding. And the currency they live off of is money. Stored energy in the form of dollars.

Like Saint George fighting ever smaller dragons, new companies spawn to fight ever smaller problems.

The result is that naturally messy humanity is boxed in and manicured until we fit as predictable economic models on a spreadsheet.

The irony is that this trains us to see ourselves as the problem. We are the broken thing in need of fixing.

Our attention rots from constant distraction so that we don’t notice our decaying bodies.

And when some unfortunate natural impulse pops up, rest assured there is a new product for that.

Orthotics. Braces. Medications. Crutches. Canes. Walkers. Cars. Toys. Scooters. Phones. TV’s. Moisturizers. Supplements. Shoes. Clothes. Bags. Jewelry. Houses.

Everything is a product that promises to solve a problem for you.

And yet, behind the fancy presentation, every product is just another box you trade your life energy for.

A car is a box. A house is a box. An office is a box.

Like the baby doll stuck with a perpetual smile in her box, we become fixed in place.

We sell our souls to buy a new box and then fake a smile as we peer out of it to prove how happy we are.

Because that’s what these boxes do… They separate us from the world.

Inside. Outside. Winners get to be in-side the in-group. Losers can kick rocks.

But this pursuit of ever nicer boxes comes at the cost of our humanity.

We lose connection with the body that gives us context. We no longer feel the natural cues of existence… Hunger, fatigue, libido, fulfillment, emotion, peace.

In the pursuit of a product to fix our problem, we become plastic people. Literally.

The last juice a company can squeeze from us is an expensive funeral. Yet another box with a window looking out.

Even in death we can still be vain.

If there is a hell, it’s a waiting room of endless reflection on the misguided sacrifices we made in this one life. What we gave up in exchange for another box.

The work we did for people we didn’t respect to buy things we didn’t need to impress people we never cared about. And the taxes we pay at every step of the way to do it.

All to end up as a glorified baby doll in yet another box.

What’s the alternative? Embracing life by fighting for what matters.

Your attention. Your energy. Your time.

These are priceless and yet we trade them for mere pennies.

Once you realize the value and finitude of life you’ll realize that money is just a tool.

Wise people do as little as possible to make just enough to buy their time back. Then they go live.

Fools never learn this lesson. They trade their life away for money in the hopes of a bigger box. Or even worse, in the hopes of earning a sense of validation.

But once you realize that the best things in life are free, you realize that time and access are the only things that matter.

At best, products are crutches to help you navigate challenges.

But to the extent that a product numbs you, distracts you, or disables you, it is stealing your life force.

The path to reclaiming that is hard. The highway to health is a road carved by sweat.

But before you are blessed with a purpose, you must prove that you can steward a person. You must get in shape before the true adventure of your life begins.

Otherwise you’ll never survive the challenge of the journey.

But remember, the alternative to life everlasting is death.

Meaning, your options are to be present in the here and now or poised in the suspended animation of another box.

The real world is outside. It’s time you rejoined the true game.

P.S. - I built a free 10-part challenge to help you move again. You should do it.

The other day I saw a video of Tom Brady playing volleyball with his daughter.

Nothing special, just a father and daughter playing together in their backyard.

What stuck out to me is that most people miss out on moments like this because they are physically limited.

And not because of a major handicap or abnormality… They are just out of shape.

But the impact radius of their lack of fitness is bigger than you might think.

Humans learn by watching, visualizing, and moving. So what we see acted out before us is a direct representation on how we perceive the world.

What our children see when they observe us matters so much more than what they hear us say.

Saying one thing while doing another is being a hypocrite. Kids pick up on that and immediately lose trust.

I think this is the root cause of generational disconnects.

By the time most people are having kids, they are just beginning to get their head out of their own asses.

The years between 25-35 are a big wake up and children are the real world reminder that things have changed.

So we try to put on a brave face and show up better for our kids.

The problem is that if we don’t truly own this change to the core, it’s fake. And kids pick up on that immediately.

They may not know how to voice it, but they know that you’re not genuine. They can tell when you’re distracted or uncomfortable. And deep down, it breaks trust.

This undermines your authority as a parent as kids gain more independence. While some resistance is expected, most kids learn winning comes from whining enough.

And once a child knows they can get their way, they become terrorists, holding you hostage with temper tantrums.

If you’re too out of shape to hold strong, you’ll give in soon enough.

What follows is a predictable song and dance that repeats throughout the rest of adolescence. It’s not until your kids have kids of their own do they circle back.

And even then, they’ll hold your advice at arm’s length.

Since it’s painful to call it what it is, we chalk this up to “normal” parenting problems.

But is it normal? Or is this relational split just a symptom of a deeper issue… Kids realize that they can’t respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves.

So naturally kids seek out a more stable authority figure to trust in.

That may be a coach, friend’s parent, or teacher. But it can also be a shithead teenager, gang, or social media influencer.

The further removed this new influence is, the greater the opportunity for deception.

Kids don’t want to be heartbroken again so they overlook the flaws. Or maybe they just expect them and get caught up in the flashy trappings of this new role model.

Bottom line - kids need security and a strong foundation they can trust.

If you can’t literally be that person, they’ll look elsewhere.

But this isn’t a superhuman task. It’s as simple as being in shape. Being athletic. Managing your weight. Showing up when you say you will. Telling the truth.

Your kids watch as you play it safe. Everything from bailing on a physical activity with another dad joke about being old to complaining about something your spouse said.

They see your physical distress as you move around the house.
They watch your lazy habits as you eat junk and leave messes behind.
They hear your grumbling as you whine about another responsibility.

Every time you pass on an opportunity to step up becomes another broken promise in an ever shallower relationship between parent and child.

And you sense this too. You can feel your child pulling away. Worse, their withdrawal makes you insecure so you try harder to win back their approval.

But this inversion of a natural order repels kids even more.

They are children. As much as they “want” the power, they can’t handle it. They become sick with the optionality and fall apart from the premature stress.

It’s no wonder that families fall apart. The strife we call “normal” is just the necessary downstream outcome of a lack of personal responsibly.

How can we love anyone else if we can’t first love ourselves?

This has nothing to do with being rich, jacked, or uber powerful. These societal games are fun to win, but they mean nothing to our kids.

Your kids want to know that they can trust you. They need to know that you are who you say you are. More importantly, that who you say you are matches what they see.

Long before kids can abstractly craft a self narrative, they can feel authenticity.

And long before they know why something is a problem, they know that it is one.

So if you want healthy kids and a healthy relationship with them, you MUST prioritize a healthy you.

Lose the weight. Regulate your emotions. Embrace some physical discomfort. Do what you say you will. Be consistent. Follow through, especially at your own expense.

Doing anything less yet expecting an ounce more from your children is the definition of hypocrisy.

And there is a special layer of hell for that behavior.

So show up. Your kids are watching.

P.S. - Want help getting started? Do this free challenge.

The F word is a loaded term.

It means a lot of things to different people.

But I believe that a family is only as real as the shared mission that joins it.

To be frank, people are lazy and often try to get something for nothing.

To the extent that they can guilt trip, manipulate, or weaponize helplessness to get what they want, they will.

Now, to be clear, I don’t believe that this stems from an evil place. I don’t think people are as simple as “bad” or “good”.

Most often, the toxic situations that an infant finds themselves in create the coping mechanisms that help them deal with the situation.

But the monster you create to survive as a kid becomes ever harder to maintain as you age.

As a result, people end up unleashing their worst behavior on the people closest to them... Their family.

But what is a family?

At its simplest, it’s a shared identity.

Though this starts with genetics, it’s not limited to blood.

But this idea of a malleable family can become coopted by any narrative.

Climate warriors. Political frenzies. Even sports fanatics.

To the extent that you’re on the same page as me, we’re family.

The work here is to not throw the baby out with the bath water.

And I mean that literally.

My twins turn a year old in a few days. It’s become more clear to me that my role as a father is two-fold.

First, I’m preparing them for the world.

I’m doing everything I can to create a set of experiences for them to develop through. Part love and nurture. Part education. Part exploration. All of it with them in mind.

And though I want this for all kids, I think each family has all they can handle.

Nature has decided that the optimal ratio of human parents to human children is somewhere around 2:2 or 2:5.

(The upper limit is made up, who knows if it’s 3 kids of 8. But at some point you have too many kids to attend to appropriately. The lower limit is species replacement rate.)

Children are the future. How could the first role of family not be to keep the game going for at least one more turn on the merry-go-round?

But second, I’m also preparing the world for them.

This is my work. I educate people about their bodies to create a healthier society.

Obviously, there is no way I can do this alone. But the collective weight of an entire generation can move mountains.

Well, if we’re pulling in the same way.

If your only motivation is greed, profit, or gain at the expense of the future, we are not a family. You are not my friend.

And maybe that’s the difference. Family is who you’re responsible for. Friends are who you build a future with.

The point is that these terms are not givens.

You are not my Family if you are making it harder to raise my children well.

This applies to the alcoholic parent who creates an unsafe home for the kids.
This applies to the narcissistic mother who uses her kids as a surrogate husband.
This applies to the in-law who manipulates every situation for personal attention.

If you are a burden to the family, you are not my family.

That DOES NOT mean that unexpected disease and uncontrollable accidents exclude you from membership.

Getting hit by a car and being handicapped for months doesn’t kick you off the team.

We need all hands on deck to pull this mission off. Which means we need you back on the field as soon as possible.

But if that few months turns into a prolonged victim situation where you’re not taking responsibility for your rehab, it’s a different story.

Family is a mission-based team designed for a purpose.
Family is NOT a welfare system designed to enable.

Which means that Family starts with blood but is not limited to it.

Some of the people who have supported me and my wife the most in this last year have no blood relation to us at all.

And yet, they have become more of my family than many of my actual relatives.

That’s the beauty of communities. They allow personal meaning to flourish beyond what genetics may limit you to.

But the choice to participate in life is a personal one. And it starts by taking ownerships of your own circumstances, energy, and health.

If you can’t do that, why on earth would I trust you near the most important things in my life?

Is this harsh? Maybe. But when it comes to my kids, I’m not trying to spare your feelings.

P.S. - Now that my Book is in the final stages before it publishes on July 21, I’ll be writing here more frequently. As always, thanks for your support!

Change can only come from two places...

Either the environment changes and you respond to it.

Or your mind changes and you respond to it.

In both situations, your body simply adjusts to the feedback it receives.

And yet, everything you'll see from modern marketing flips this around.

We're told that our body is the problem and that we need to change it. But these quick "fixes" are a waste because they are trying to change a system that already works.

Meaning - your body is the exact solution to the problems you solved yesterday.

The food you ate, the movements you did, the thoughts you entertained... These are the inputs that told your body how to be.

So blaming your body for the way it responds is like kicking your dog for peeing inside when you refuse to take it out.

The reason you struggle to change is because you're not creating a reason to.

If your external environment changed, you would.
If your internal environment changed, you would.

For an extreme example, a simple weight loss plan is to move to the middle of the jungle. You think your "genetics" would still keep that stubborn belly fat?

And for the internal example, you could believe that junk food is immoral. You think your waist would shrink if you knew the cost of that cookie was eternal damnation?

My point is that your body is not the problem... It is the solution.

And if you don't like the solution it has created, change the problems it is solving.

That means adjusting your environment so that it calls forth the solution you want.

And yes, extreme solutions call for extreme changes.

If you want to be an outlier, you need to create unusual circumstances. Which will quickly put your convictions to the test.

Few people would or could voluntary choose the path that leads to extraordinary outcomes.

But the good news is that you don't need to go to prison just to straighten up.

You can start with simple changes by introducing consequences into your life.

A simple belief like "I don't get to eat until I've exercised for an hour". Or "I'm a bad person if I don't sweat". can get you moving consistently.

Sure, it's not "healthy" to beat yourself up internally, but neither is melting into chronic disease on a couch.

The reality is that it's hard to change the external environment in most cases. Especially if you have a family and are dependent on civilization for food and shelter.

But you can change what beliefs you hold like outfits in your closet.

And if your body is sick or deconditioned, it's a sign that your current set of beliefs are not doing you any favors.

Why not try on a different set for a while to see what happens?

Of course, you can still move to the Amazon if you really can't quit snacking... But deciding that "snacking is for losers" can work just as well.

Toxic beliefs are only toxic when they drive you to disease.

Which means that all beliefs taken to extremes will become toxic.

So rather than judging a belief by its cover, judge it by its fruit.

If a toxic belief moves you in a healthier direction, is it really toxic? Or is the inability to "hang up the phone when you get the message" the real problem?

Change isn't hard if you're willing to create the circumstances for it.

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True romance involves wonder and imagination.

It’s the opposite of maximizing. Romance is a price you pay to be excited by life.

And it applies to everything from sexual attraction to work and vacation.

You are choosing to not squeeze all the juice from the lemon.

You are choosing to be dissatisfied in the short term so that you can stay excited in the long run.

It’s the decision to leave some rocks unturned in your exploration of life.

It’s why porn is so rarely romantic and why textbooks are not page turners.

When you examine something is such bare detail you leave no room for imagination.

Which means that space is essential for health.

Mental space to imagine, physical space to move, and emotional space to feel.

If you’re too cramped by rules, expectations, and stuff, you become dysfunctional.

But long before you notice the disease, you feel the symptoms of disillusionment.

You have no zest for life. You feel numb. You know too much. You’ve forgotten what it’s like to wonder and yearn.

Which is why success is so often accompanied by depression.

Once you’e seen behind the curtain you start to see life as a science… An algorithm to hack or a set of hoops to jump through.

This is the death of relationships. Of creativity. Of inspiration.

And it’s the ironic reason that intimacy and romance are often at odds.

The unabridged closeness of seeing and being seen leaves little to the imagination.

Which makes the balance of wanting and loving a tricky thing.

When I love you, I see you clearly. I know you, understand you, feel you.

When I want you, I feel the yearning from within. It’s a youthful, delusional, optimistic, craving to possess. Wanting implies not having.

Romance is dissatisfaction.

But this primal desire eats its own children.

Getting what you want is the proverbial dog catching its own tail.

Satisfaction becomes an empty reward when you realize that being dissatisfied was the point of it all.

If romance is a bottomless pit and satisfaction is hitting the floor, what do we do?

Get comfortable falling.

Be wooed, lose your sensibilities, act a fool. Let romance have its way as it inspires you with wonder and zeal.

But make sure to set an alarm clock to pull yourself out from the spell.

Don’t be the last person at the dinner or party.
Leave the last bite of dessert on the plate.
Keep some questions remain unasked.
Let some clothes stay on.

Enjoy life, live the dream, go all in… And leave some meat on the bone.

I don’t like to rely on people. I prefer to do things my way and stay in control.

But I’m learning that this attitude doesn’t get you very far in life.

For example, you can’t have a family all by yourself. It takes two people to make babies and as a man, I don’t make much breast milk.

The best I can do is be a middle milk manager. And that’s humbling because if there’s no milk, well…

I’ve also been working on this book for over a year now. I’ve written books for programs in the past, but this is my first real publishable effort.

While I could self-publish, I’ve realized that there is a lot more to the publishing and marketing game. And I don’t have the expertise to do it all well.

But working with a company means giving up total control over the project.

I’m working through my first round of feedback from my editor and that’s challenging. I have a love-hate relationship with her via Microsoft Word comments.

I have to trust that she can see my vision and has the best interest of the project.

Then there’s the design team and the marketing team that help me bring it to life. I can write a bunch of words, but it takes a team effort to make it into a book.

And I’m also sitting in the middle of a house deal. It’s complicated and requires help because I don’t have enough money to pull it off alone.

Which means I find myself navigating egos and emotions. The dream is alive and things are moving well without forcing anything, but it’s largely out of my control.

The common theme is that the greatest skill I can bring is emotional regulation.

I love the idea of confidence, money, and suave business skills. It’s comforting to have the power to call the shots and make other people bend to your will.

But the only way I get to be in that position is to play small. Moving toward any bigger goal requires humility to listen and a willingness to be a team player.

The point is that the things I thought I needed to be successful in life were only a small part. If anything I do works out, it’ll be because I could manage my emotions.

It seems so simple, and yet… It’s all I can do.

But it turns out that being willing to listen to other people matters. And being able to help them sort out their thoughts and feelings is really important.

You can only do that if you’re grounded and level headed.

Most of the “work” of life is not work at all. It’s waiting, paying attention, and listening.

And every now and then, pushing the ball forward just a bit when it’s time to act.

TV’s, movies, books, and social media make it seem like 95% of success in life comes from making big power moves.

You get the message that hustle, grind, and single minded action is all that matters.

But in reality, the only way to take advantage of leverage is to be in the right place at the right time. And there’s only so much you can do to control that.

The real power move is paying attention to stay in touch with the pulse of life.

I guess that’s why gangsters move in silence?

I spent the last year writing the first draft of my book.

It’s been sent off to the editor for the first round of revisions. Then I’ll stick pictures in and send it to the design team. Hopefully it’ll publish in the spring of next year.

But it wasn’t a year of pure focus. I whittled down my outputs each month I spent on the project. Mostly because I was procrastinating the real work.

Eventually I stopped posting anywhere altogether. No blogs. No reels. No YouTubes, podcasts, or newsletters. I realized I just couldn’t divide my attention and still work.

Plus, my twins arrived in late April. Any free time I thought I had was spoken for.

Even though it was scary to step away from an online presence, I realized it was necessary. Writing the book was changing me. I couldn’t post as the old me anymore.

However, something strange happened within a few days of signing off of Instagram.

Life got really peaceful.

Chaotic with newborns, yes. But without the intrusive notifications of the internet, my world because more real.

Being online splits your personality into pieces. Even if you don’t post anything, the endless barrage of opinions influences you.

Pieces of truth have a way of warping your perspective on reality.

And while I was in the fragile state of creativity with writing I couldn’t afford that.

Wrestling with ideas to figure out this book made me recenter on my real life. When you only get a few words to share something, you need to get them right.

And as I spent more time working with the material I started to value this clarity.

Social media trains you into distraction. Not just because something new pops up constantly. But because that next thing is often not at all related to the last thing.

You stop finding coherence in your thoughts because you’re juggling countless fragments of ideas. You are not a full person like this. You’re just a consumer.

But that’s what networks do to you… They squeeze the juice from you to keep the show going. In their wake are endless piles of human rinds.

We don’t think anything of it because this is what modern society has schooled us to be. We plug into institutions that only care about maintaining their own existence.

Schools. Governments. Churches. Hospitals. Anything that needs a constant flow of the same “type” of person is an institution.

Even if the original spirit was pure, the distended growth is parasitic.

And what living thing does it suck the life out of? Communities.

Groups of humans that do life together. People who know more than your government name. Complex humans who are self-sufficient and worth more than a number.

But full humans are a threat to networks. They don’t fit neatly into place.

Instead, networks thrive on Single Use People. Like single use plastics, these replaceable bodies serve one purpose. A role to keep the machine going.

The function of society is to sort you into a shape that best fits into the machine.

Once assigned, this role can never change, lest the bigger network suffer.

You have to fight this commodification at every turn.

How do you know you’re stuck in a network? If you feel pressure to not change. If your growth or different expression is seen as a threat, you’re part of a network.

It’s not as simple as exchanging money. Anything that relies on you being a Single Use Person is a network. And the real cost is your potential. Your soul.

To be clear, I don’t have the answers for you. I’m trying to figure this out myself. In part, this is my motivation for moving to in-person events instead of online programs.

I want to reclaim a 3-D life with full people that have complexity and nuance.

But it seems to me that we’re all starting from behind on this. Years of school curriculum, employment, and consuming television have warped us.

I guess this is what the Matrix was getting at. You have to see the game before you can realize that you’re the one being played.

Though romantic, the answer for everyone can’t be to stop playing network games cold turkey. There are bills to pay and realities to navigate.

But you can stop getting yourself stuck even further. Don’t go into debt. Stop consuming endless media. Introduce yourself to your real-life neighbors.

Plugging yourself back into a community involves sweating with other people. Working to build something. Playing games together. Sharing meals at a table.

You can’t show up authentically if you only know how to be a Single Use Person.

To me, that’s the magic of exercise. When done right, training is a path toward self-discovery. You learn through movement and grow through discomfort.

If you don’t get hijacked by the medical and fitness industries, exercise is a unique place to explore. It’s what the original gymnasiums were meant to be.

But what’s the point of getting in shape if you don’t know what that shape is for?

Working out to have a six-pack is just fitting into another network.
Working out to be skilled and capable is creating depth and optionality.

The shape you get in has a purpose… To act as the glue of a community.

Like the tensegrity relationship of bone and fascia in a body, full humans create the cocoon of community. Your “fittest” shape is not fixed. It’s adaptable and athletic.

The world needs full humans to tend to its gardens.
Society needs Single Use People to fit into its networks.

Which will you be?

Also - check out John Taylor Gotto’s Dumbing Us Down to hear more about this network/community idea. It’s been inspiring for me.

Babies turned two months today so I figured I’d share some notes. These are in no particular order. Most of this is logistical stuff about how to manage the workload and not lose your temper. I’m sure actual parenting tips become useful at some point. But thus far, these kids have been more of a project to handle than people to interact with. Though I will say that something shifted at the 8-week mark. More smiles and less screams. And all of a sudden it feels like a light is shining at the end of the tunnel!

Maybe it’s a train?

Elimination Control - This is the process of teaching your infant how to go to the bathroom on their own. In the hospital I remember watching the nurses cover my boy up at every diaper change to keep him from peeing on them. I figured that if it’s so automatic, why not just expect it and save a diaper? So, for every diaper change I immediately take the babies to the sink and wash them off with water instead of a wipe. I have a towel by the sink for babies only that I dry them off with. Then I hold them in a little squat over the kitchen sink with fingers under feet and thighs while making a “PSSS” sound about 5-10 times.. And most of the time they pee. Sometimes I even get a bit more action. Of course, they don’t understand the abstract nature of this and I don’t know how effective it’ll be. But it gives me (as dad) something to contribute consistently and I’ve saved many diapers in the process. Best case they get out of diapers faster and learn autonomy. Worst case, I save a lot of diapers.

Fit For Fatherhood - One thing I’ve realized in the last two months is that not all fitness is the same. Your kids don’t give two shits how many burpees you can do, they care that you can get on and off the ground with them. They won’t care about your bench press, they care that you can pick them up. Your kids want you to feel good, be happy, and play with them. Your “fitness” needs to support that. If your training beats you up, something is wrong. And it’s not with your body.

It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better - The first two weeks (aside from the massive hospital sleep debt) gave me a sense of uniformed optimism. The babies slept a lot and life picked up. But then things got tougher. Cluster feeds, growth spurts, and ever changing babies wear you down. The 4-6 week mark was rough because you’re tired and the babies aren’t yielding. Everything is a one-way-flow of energy. It’s easy to get cynical and blame the babies. But that doesn’t help. As a few good friends reminded me, it gets better. And it does… But not before it gets worse. Hang in there until that 8 week mark and the rewards become intrinsic enough to keep going.

Don’t Dawdle - Being “on” wears you down. And it’s tempting to linger in the moments as the babies drift off for a late morning nap. But if you want time to workout, clean, work, or do anything for you later, you have to act with purpose now. These babies will wake up some time in the near future. Every minute between now and then is precious. So don’t waste it.

Emotional Management - You Wanted This. Remember that. The single hardest part of being a parent (in my experience) is emotional management. Take care of what you need to so that you can show up consistently. If you lose your temper it only makes things worse. You don’t have to be over the top or fake positive, but you still have to be the mature adult. Kids test you. But if you hang in there, you come out better for it. But also - no one tells you this… Babies don’t cry. They rage. They literally scream and yell to get your attention. It’s grating like nothing else. All you can do is laugh at times.

Don’t Forget The Other Adult - It is SO easy to forget the adult relationship that brought these babies in the world to begin with. When you’re in the trenches handling stuff, the other adult gets taken for granted. But you will inevitably project your emotions on them and get frustrated at them for no reason. So be proactive and hug your person at least once a day for 6 seconds or longer. Talking to them is nice too.

Community - It’s so hard to do this alone, and you probably don’t have to. But you have to be willing to hand those babies off if someone offers. My babies have been held by ALOT of people at this point. Including by the sweet waitresses at a Mexican restaurant while we ate because they could tell I was stressed. People like to help and they also like to hold babies. So let them. It makes everyone happier.

Mind Your Outlets - Holding a baby in your hands removes a lot of options. And the stress builds up gradually. You can feel the walls closing in and you’re more tempted to grab a sweet treat or look at your phone more. But be careful of what you decompress with. Reading a book and social media each take one hand. Only one makes you better. Eating fruit and eating junk food both occupy your mouth, but only one has nutrients. No judgement, but realize that the world is still moving around your little new-baby-bubble. Letting little habits slip leads to those extra pounds and lost fitness over the span of a few months. Decompress wisely.

Fix Your Lighting - You will be up at all hours of the night. So make sure you’re not blasting LED lights at 3:30am. Get sea salt lamps, install dimmers, and set up a voice command light switch. Make it easy to stay sleepy while you do the graveyard shift.

Babies Do Not Negotiate - This is a constant reminder for me. It’s easy to layer your adult psychology on top of what you perceive the babies are asking for. But babies cannot deceive, lie, and negotiate. They only cry when they need something. They are not trying to fuck with you or take advantage of your good will. They are not messed up adults who want to screw you over and you will not spoil them by cuddling them a little more. Treat babies with the greatest benefit of the doubt and things go better.

The Real Frustration (Trying to do other things) - I say this as I get frustrated with my babies for crying as I try to write this. Babies are easy. The real problem is trying to handle babies while also doing all the other stuff you used to do. If you set your expectations appropriately, it’s a simple feed, burp, diaper, cuddle routine. But when you try to ALSO do everything else, you’re gonna feel stressed. Of course, that’s unavoidable. Just remember that the real stress is your expectations, not the babies.

This is it.

It’s a skill to recognize the moment. To notice that this is it. You’re doing the thing you’ve thought about, pictured, and dreamed of for months or years.

I remember standing beside my wife in the delivery room as her contractions turned into active pushes. I looked at her and said… This is it. You’re doing it.

Life often feels surreal when the big moments happen. It’s a lot of waiting and thinking before a massive rush of experience all at once.

It feels untethered. As though life is a roller coaster you’re not quite strapped in for.

When the big moments happen we almost expect someone to walk out and check our seatbelt to make sure we’re secure.

But not only is there no “adult” to reassure you, there is no seatbelt.

This is it. You’re in it. You’re doing the thing.

You wanted this.

Of course, noticing the moment is a skillset that scales to every moment of life.

And most of life isn’t the big glorious highlight stuff. It’s the mundane overhead that supports those moments.

The birth of my twins was a massive day. The diapers, bottle cleaning, and burping sessions… Not so much. These little moments are like paper cuts that wear you down.

But the key is remembering that whatever you have in your life now is what you wanted to have at some time in the past. The tedious overhead stuff too.

When I allow resentment to seep in, I forget the simple truth… I wanted this. I wanted kids. And kids come with responsibilities.

I can either choose to complain about the supporting tasks or I can see it as an inseparable part of the bigger thing I wanted.

Don’t complain.

Talk about the stuff that’s wearing on you, but don’t complain. Once you’ve identified an issue, the only next step is to address it.

There are two paths you can go down.

You can realize that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze and change. It’s okay to quit and do something different. Often, the romantic ideals we hold never live up to the hype.

Or you can realize that this is part of the deal. You don’t get babies without diapers. Therefore, accept it all with gratitude remembering that you wanted this.

Anything else is self-aggrandizing complaining that only builds resentment.

And what’s the point of that?

This is what life feels like.

This doesn’t mean to fake optimism in a silver linings playbook. You can still struggle with the supporting work of life. No one ever said that it wasn’t difficult or challenging.

But when you let yourself become the victim of your circumstances, you suffer.

The best thing to do in tough times is to remember that this is what life feels like.

It’s supposed to hurt. It’s not going to come easy. You will have to try.

And that’s okay. You were meant for the challenge. And our scars are what make us unique. A life of leisure doesn’t make for much fulfillment.

I mean, they call it a story arc for a reason.

Be here now.

It sounds cliche but it is the solution to all suffering.

Often, our pain comes not from the issue at hand but from our predictions about it. We think things will carry on indefinitely to the future. That this will last forever.

But when you deal with the problem and let go of your predictions, things become clear. Predictions are made up assumptions about the future.

Instead, accept the moment for all it brings. Know that this too shall pass.

If there is pain, soberly address the cause. If there is pleasure, let it sink in.

And for the mundane stuff that exists between those two end points, remember that one day you’ll wish you could have this exact moment back.

-

In every moment…
This is it.
You wanted this.
So don'‘t complain.
Because this is what life feels like.
Choose to be here now.

This last season of life with kids has been expanding, to say the least.

And as much as I love seeing their little faces begin to smile as their personalities emerge, I’m surprised as what has brought me the most joy.

The other day I was doing a cleaning sweep of the living room. Tiana was on the couch with my boy. He smiled in a way that made her laugh.

And it made my heart swell like nothing else.

Watching her enjoy these twins in a way that only a mother could made me happier than anything else thus far. It’s hard to describe how it felt.

It’s happened a few times since. And in reflection, I’m realizing that the true role and joy in my family life is in nurturing my family, not just my babies.

-

Being a dad in the early days is tough, especially with twins.

And not because of the sleep and logistical challenges. Those are just factors that don’t need extra emotional weight.

The challenge is that you’re thrown into a job that you’ll never have all the tools for.

A bottle can’t replace a breast. I know that and my twins do too.

I can hold them, change them, burp them, and love them. But there comes a time when their needs exceed my ability. Breastfeeding soothes like nothing else.

Of course, because we have twins who need to gain weight, bottle feeding has been a must from day one. I feel pretty confident managing things a few hours at a time.

But deep down, it feels like using a Phillips head bit to tighten a star shaped screw. It works, but you never get the kind of traction that feels natural.

I know that my strengths will shine more as the kids age, but it doesn’t feel that way now. It feels like I’m always too rough, too impatient, and too callous to their needs.

But when I see my wife in her element with these babies, it leaves me speechless.

It’s almost as if I get more joy from watching her watch them then I do from direct exposure. And as I watch more dads interact with their families, I think it’s not just me.

-

Yesterday I had a visual download about this in terms of layers, or coverings.

Like Matryoshka Dolls, with a smaller doll hidden inside the bigger layer. Or the layers of Earth's core, crust, and atmosphere. But with layers of my responsibilities.

Each layer is constructed out of a different building material. Meaning, the tools that work at one layer won’t get the job done at a different one.

And each layer requires a different skillset, perspective, and approach.

Of course, all layers build on each other. If your core is rotten, the whole structure will be rotten too. And it’s a living form that’s always under construction if you’re growing.

But it helps me understand my life, purpose, and responsibilities in a clear way.

-

Inner Core/Citadel - Self - Your inner child and relationship to you.
Building Material - Heart/Viscera - You can’t change this, only nurture it.

Second Layer - Individual - Who you become as an adult. Skills, hobbies, interests.
Building Material - Fascia/Bone - Shaped by the stimulus of your life.

Third Layer - Family - Your romantic life partner and children.
Building Material - Flesh/Blood - The stuff of your genetics.

Fourth Layer - Profession - How you make money to support your inner layers.
Building Material - Wood/Brick - What you build houses out of.

Fifth Layer - Enterprise - Professional aspirations at scale through business.
Building Material - Steel/Rubber - Warehouses, products, and infrastructure.

Sixth/Outer Layer - Impact - The legacy you leave behind.
Building Material - Gas/Vapor - The contents of the atmosphere.

-

Of course, this is a first draft. But I like it and it makes sense to me. Which is all that matters. Will it shift and clarify with time? Sure. Is it perfect? No.

And yes, it mirrors the Boy/Cowboy/Warrior/Lover/King/Sage model that John Eldridge lays out in his “Wild Heart” books. So that’s probably inspiring in the back of my mind.

But what I like about this is the visual of the building materials. The heat used to forge steel is way to intense for the delicate biological tissue of your inner layers.

And you’ll never build a massive, thriving business through vibes and tender hearted nurture alone. You need a team, resources, and grit for that.

While you don’t have to fill the inner layers to play at the outer layers, you’ll never have the same impact you could have had otherwise.

Men that have a committed wife and children are different than those without.

Can they still build businesses and change the world? Sure. But there’s always a pain and weakness at the core that seems to catch up to them eventually.

Hate, anger, and greed can only get you so far. If your core identity is not founded on something deeper, you will crumble from within.

I think the family layer is nested with two parts. The inner layer is the relationship between mother and infant. The covering to that is your relationship to this unit.

It’s my opinion, but I think there’s something between mother and child that no one else could ever understand. Not even me, a loving father.

So rather than trying to play surrogate mommy, I’ll just own what I can. I’ll build the wall that sustains a beautiful garden within.

These layers will grow as you do. Life is constant construction, after all.

If you’re bored and uninspired, you’re doing it wrong.

Some seasons necessitate a focus at a different level. Right now, I’m all in on my family level. Soon I’ll return to a professional focus with hopes of moving to enterprise.

But at no point are you excused from core responsibilities. Each outer layer is a privilege, earned through proper stewardship of the more intimate ones.

Strong inner layers only create room for bigger, more powerful outer layers. So make sure your priorities are set. When you forget what matters, the whole thing falls apart.

Besides, you’ll need this inner strength as you struggle through the awkward learning curve of figuring out new tools and skills. What got you here won’t get you there.

-

Life is work. Work is sacred. Sacred is meaning. Meaning is fulfillment.

Don’t waste your life.

I’m sitting down to write this wearing my twin-version front baby carrier. I look down and see two sets of glazed over eyes drifting off to sleep in a milk coma.

I’ve been busy.

But not busy in a way I’ve ever experienced before. I’m constantly working and yet I get nothing done. I hold bottle for hours a day. I sleep in 2-3 hour increments.

I wanted to jot a few notes on thoughts I’ve had the last few weeks since my twins were born. It’s all stuff I wish I’d understood a few weeks earlier.

If any of this crosses into parenting advice, ignore it. After a month of this I don’t know any better than anyone else.

I think this is all logistical, personal stuff that can get your mind in the right place ahead of time. And I’m finding out in real time, that’s most of the battle.

Cluster feeding - I had never heard of this before. But it describes a pattern of eating that resembles locusts in a plague. Silly me thought that babies eat every few hours. Well, that’s true… Until they cluster feed. This happens before a growth spurt. Which seems to happen randomly every few days. And then it’s all out the window. You feed a baby, thinking they’re good for a few hours once the bottle is empty. And yet, somehow they start screaming like they’ve never been fed before about ten minutes later. It’s an example of how predictions only get you so far. Deal in the problem of the moment. Baby is hungry… again. Your logic doesn’t matter, they’re ready to eat.

Expanding appetite and meal size - Whatever you fed them last won’t be enough for the next meal. We started with 1ml meals and felt good about that. Until they wanted 2ml next and we couldn’t figure out why. Predications don’t matter because…

Newborns age by the hour - Literally. The nurse told us that advice we got a few hours ago might as well be for a different baby. The babies we had 12 hours after delivery were not the same as those we had 24 hours later. Though this rate of change slows down, it’s hard to conceptualize at first. The point is that you need to be on your toes and willing to make a new plan when the old one isn’t cutting it.

Know what matters to you and let go of the rest - This first month has been a lot. In many ways. I’ve felt a vast range of emotions and often felt clueless about what’s going on. But to the extent I’ve been able to let go of my previous notions of productivity, it’s been okay. Bottle feeding a baby is like watching sand tick down an hour glass that you have to hold. And occasionally the sand stops moving and screams at you. Once it finishes, you start over after an hour break. It’s like that for HOURS every day. And in the breaks between, you have to choose between eating, sleeping, working, exercising, hobbies, connecting with your partner/spouse, or cleaning. You have less time by a factor of ten, at least. But this also forces you to prioritize what matters. As a result, you let go of the rest and become far more productive. You figure out how to pull the levers that matter in 10% of the time.

Minimalism makes your life so much easier. Get rid of the junk ahead of time - Clean out your house before hand. Newborns turn your house into a triage unit. And since you’re spending so much time at home, the mess really gets to you. But if you’ve cleared out the junk you don’t use before all this, cleaning is so much easier. We got rid of a ton of stuff before as the baby shower gifts arrived. And once the babies got here, we purged even more. And our house is a smooth operating unit. It’s a 20-minute job to rage clean the whole thing and it feels so much calmer after.

Baseline of fitness is crucial. You will lose sleep and conditioning - No matter where you start, newborns will cut into your fitness. You will not be as sharp, fast, or strong. And you will struggle to exercise as much as you did… At least for a while. The best way to prepare is to get in shape beforehand. This helps with the discipline to get up at night… yet again. You need to be strong to endure. But in a new way. It’s less about doing another mile or rep and more about not losing your temper when your baby does a high-pitched gas scream. And yes… Those are rough.

Time becomes irrelevant… there is only the next task to do - We sleep about 6-8 hours each day. But never more than 3 hours at a time. This has a funny way of melting your perception of life because you stop planning the day out. Instead, you keep massive open spaces to handle the next bottle/burp/diaper that pops up. 3:00am and 3:00pm are no different… One is just light outside.

But it has to be sustainable. Pregnancy blends into newborn blends into life - This is a big one I’m realizing. There is no shut off or quit after you “pass” this stage. Newborns turn into infants, toddlers, kids, teens, and young adults. All in one smooth and messy process. That means you have to decide to make room for yourself again, and the earlier, the better. I didn’t do anything while we were in the hospital. Then I made time for exercise in the first week, even if that was just some squats in the front yard. The next week I got back to work by writing a few paragraphs a day on my book. The next week I figured out time to read a few pages a day and play guitar a few minutes at a time. After 3 weeks I had assembled my life again, just in a different way.

And to be clear… There is no award for suffering. - No one really cares how little sleep you get. Or how much you sacrifice. Or how difficult your baby is. That’s because no one can truly know what it’s like to be you. That’s part of the loneliness of life. Hopefully you’ll have friends or family that pitch in meals or hold your babies for a bit. But as the weeks roll on, the specialness of it all fades. And then, it’s just you changing another diaper and holding another bottle. You can’t out-tough the ocean and you can’t beat basic biology. You need to sleep. You need to eat. You need a hug from your spouse. You need to get away for a few hours. You need to go outside. You need to exercise. You need to do stuff for yourself. And the sooner you realize these needs and act on them, the better. If you don’t, you’ll become bitter, unhappy, and resentful. And there is no worse person to raise your kids than that version of you.

Bundles of joy start out as bundles of work - Everyone is happy for you. And rightfully so… Healthy babies are a blessing. But it’s also true that newborns aren’t fully online yet. They don’t smile at you, connect with you, or acknowledge you. They are hungry, tired, gassy, or dirty. And they have a limited vocabulary to communicate this to you. I hear this changes as they start to connect around two months in, but it’s important to set expectations up front. Newborns are a full time job and the paycheck comes way late. It’s okay if this sucks the life out of you at first. That’s part of the hazing process. I’m learning now that every parent goes through it. Join the club.

While you’re busy solving problems, don’t forget to pause to be present - This was a big one for me. As I ran around the house cleaning, cooking, and changing, I started to feel like a firefighter looking for fires. Not only does this tire you out, but it also blinds you to the beautiful moments that you’ll never get back. You have to choose presence over productivity early on. Because even though it’s chaos at first, you don’t get these moments back. These little babies will never be this small again. And one day they won’t let you snuggle and kiss them whenever you want!

These last few weeks have been something else. Having kids stretches you in a way that nothing else does. And twins is a step beyond that.

I’ll have a post in a few days about some things I’ve learned in the last few months.

But mostly, I’ve realized that holding a bottle for a few hours a day gives you lots of time to think. And I wanted to jot some of those thoughts down.

Plus, I’ve realized the most perfect name for this blog… Grahambles.

Well, because that’s what these are. Public rambles as I clarify my thinking.

Sorry if I broke the old links, but this name will stick. It fits the medium.

Here are some thoughts I had recently, with a little exposition.

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When you stop paying attention, you stop learning.

All learning is contextual. It depends on the situation. That’s because no two events are ever the same. The same action in a different situation is a different action.

As they say, no man enters the same river twice. Both he and the water change.

Skill development is pattern recognition. We do a similar action countless times to find the signal amongst the noise. Though each time is different, a meta pattern emerges.

That means learning happens when we focus less on the ideal and more on the problem at hand. After seeing enough similar problems, we create a pattern.

But that pattern isn’t rote repetition. It’s not memorization. t’s paying attention by being present. When you start going through the motions, you stop learning.

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Pride is the enemy of learning.

You can’t learn what you already know. Or, as is most often the case, what you think you already know. You have to pay attention to see a thing clearly.

Pride is another way of saying you have a fixed perspective. Which also means your perception is stuck.

It’s like looking at the world through a telescope that won’t budge. On occasion, things may wander in front of your lens. On occasion you’ll see things.

But by and large, you’ll miss all the things you can’t see..

Learning requires flexibility to see a problem from all angles. Pride is a stiff posture that protects the ego. Humility is the willingness to bend.

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Something doesn’t become more true just because you understand it.

There is an infinite amount of things we don’t know. And once we uncover some new piece of truth, it suddenly rings out with a profound sense of importance.

We feel a conviction to speak on this truth and tell everyone else. But that thing was true long before it was true to us.

This works both ways… Just because you don’t understand something does not mean it’s false. Our tendency to shut out complexity doesn’t change the nature of a thing.

There are things that are true that you don’t understand yet. They were always true and will always be so.

The only thing keeping you from knowing that is your ego.

A week ago my wife’s water broke.

The moment I heard her call my name from across the house, I knew things were about to change. I could feel the beginning of a water slide.

10:45pm is about the time I’m shutting down for the day. We’ll watch a TV show and get ready for bed. But this time, I was packing my bag to leave.

We spent the night at the hospital and got about 2 hours of crappy sleep. Around 5:30am her contractions were bad enough to wake her up.

Then an epidural. Then another nap until 10:30am. Then she was fully dilated. Then some practice pushes before moving to the operating room.

11:45am she started pushing. 11:54am my girl was born. 11:57am my boy was born.

It was overwhelming. The water slide was moving at full speed.

2 days in the hospital with constant interruptions every hour. Little to no sleep.

Then home to figure out a routine with newborns that changed by the hour.

The last week has felt like a single day. The nights are broken up into 2-3 hour periods of sleep with long stretches of holding bottles in between.

I’m just now catching my breath (and some sleep). But even though my life seems familiar, it’s completely different. And I’m still figuring out how.

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Life is like one big water slide.

The kind where you jump into the tube that’s dark, narrow, and fast.

You can’t see where you’re going and all you can do is hang on tight. You’re sucked into the season of what is… School, work, marriage, kids.

I remember thinking about this back in middle and high school. I loved summer break, but just not having it all at once. 3 months of a break got boring.

But that’s how life goes. Everything all at once, then nothing.

You get all your childhood at once, then it’s done.
You get all your dating at once, then it’s done.
You get all your work at once, then it’s done.

Same for family seasons, career, and friendships. They’re all water slides.

On occasion, these water slides dump you out into an open funnel. You’ll circle around a few times waiting to dump into the hole in the middle.

These funnels are time for reflection. Things slow down and you have space to think. They can last for days, weeks, or years. They stretch out into the long middle.

And then, life dumps you into another tube. Before you know it you’re flying through the darkness at break-neck speed. Not sure where you’re going or how fast.

You move to a new state. You start a new career. You have a child. You get married, or divorced. You lose a friend or loved one. The world goes through a pandemic.

And so it goes. Tubes and funnels. Fast and slow. Overwhelm and stasis.

In the tubes you long for the funnels. In the funnels you long for the tubes.

The theme is always wanting what you just had. It’s funny how impatient humans are.

It seems to me that maturing is learning to recognize the moment and go with the flow.

No pun intended - life is moving in a direction and pace. Fighting that will only hurt you. The only option is surrender to hang on tight.

You have to believe that things will be okay. It takes faith to let go of your grip and plunge into the next dark tube. And it takes trust to not tense up.

I guess that’s what religions are… Predictions for where life is going and coping mechanisms to deal with the uncertainty along the way.

If you believe the underlying ethos of life is good, you can let go in faith that you’ll get where you need to go.

If you believe there is no unifying truth, you’ll break when you try to slow down in the middle of a tube. Grabbing the walls of a fast moving slide only tears your arms off.

Carl Jung says paradoxical world views that are not made conscious will play themselves out as fate.

Conflicted ways of seeing the world lead to ambivalent results .When you fight against yourself, you lose. Maturation is about becoming a friend of yourself.

Tubes are where you figure out what you believe.
Funnels are where you reflect on what you learned.

You can’t stop the water slide, but you can learn to trust the process.

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In honor of this current tube, I’ll be pausing the blog for a bit. In addition to my two beautiful twins, I’m in the final stretch of the first draft of my book. I may write the odd blog here or there, but I won’t be doing regular posts for the next two months!

Looking back at life is bittersweet.

In retrospect, we can see all the ups and downs. The wins and losses. Or as my friend John says, strikes and gutters.

The good times stick out. Those one-off late nights making friends and the unexpected successes you have when a project actually works.

These are the fond memories that we’ll cherish for a lifetime.

But there is also a trail of tears that parallels the journey too.

Relationships that ended. Friendships that went stale. Jobs that terminated.

For every lesson learned, someone got hurt along the way.

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The story we tell about our past matters. If we only look at the tears we can think of ourselves as monsters. It’s easy to beat yourself up for lessons learned the hard way.

But I’ve come to realize there are only two ways forward… The hard way and the impossible way.

The hard way is to keep trying. You keep learning and changing your approach no matter how many times you mess up.

The impossible way is to try and do things perfect. To think and control and ruminate until you figure out how to act so that no one gets hurt.

But that’s why it’s the impossible way. Inevitably you will make mistakes.

Someone will get hurt in the making of this life.

And that sucks. Especially if you’re moving forward, trying to do better. Because every lesson learned came at the expense of the version of you who didn’t know better.

As kids, we say things we don’t mean because we haven’t thought our words through. We commit to things and make promises we couldn’t possibly keep.

As kids we believe the things other people say. We lack the wisdom offered by perspective and let romantic ideals steal away our better judgements.

But as we become adults we realize the errors of our childish ways.

The hard part is not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.

There is a gem in our childhood innocence. Some intuitive truth that will guide us.

But it’s obscured by the weight of everything else in our life… Our culture. Our parental attachments. Our survival instincts. And all the other messiness of life.

The work of maturation is uncovering that gem from the unexamined excess.

Like sculptors, we’re chipping away to find the true form within.

At first, we take big swings to knock off big chunks. This happens when we’re young at planned stages of life… Middle to high school. High school to college.

We leave sports teams, friend groups, and student identities behind as we move on through the natural stages of modern life.

How many people would still be doing their elementary school routine if they hadn’t graduated and moved on? Thankfully, society handles the separation pain for us.

But as we get to high school, this natural separation stops for many. A lot of people get stuck reliving the glory days at the local bar in their local town.

College offers a new start for many, but the pain of separation and rebirth still lingers at the end. At some point, we run out of culturally enforced endings.

We are handed the chisels with a pat on the back and a kick out the door.

It’s terrifying at first… Especially in a modern society that doesn’t empower you to think for yourself as an adult. You don’t know where to begin.

It’s tempting to run back to the rubble pile thinking that you can glue some pieces on. Maybe if things go back to the way they were everything will be okay again.

But this never works. The glue doesn’t hold with the same strength as the marble once did. The only way forward is through.

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The work of being an adult is lonely. Even though we’re never alone, no one else knows what lies within. Our story is ours alone to tell.

Of course, there is company in this loneliness. I know that you know what I’m going through, even if you don’t. We know what it’s like to be in solitary confinement.

Maturing is about letting go of the past in service of what is true now.

That means you continue to fine tune and chisel away at the ideals and beliefs of your childish naïveté. Anything excess left on a sculpture only obscures its beauty.

At times we will cut too deep and leave scars. Those remind us of our stubbornness. Though they disfigure the statue, they also give it its unique story.

At times we will mistake detritus for our self. Those are the beliefs we identify with. We’ll chisel around these lumps to avoiding the pain of letting them die.

At times we will be surprised at what we do. Those are the intuitive shifts we make that no-one else would understand. But they are better than we could have imagined.

It’s a lifetime of work. Steady, lonely, painful. And there is no extrinsic reward.

Sure, other people may admire the beauty of a refined form and honor the discipline required to keep doing the work. But that praise dies as it leaves their lips.

The hardest part of all is that every chip in the pile has a story. Old friendships, relationships, jobs, hobbies, roles, and beliefs. All with their expectations and regrets.

And only we know these things. Only we can see the weight of what lies on the floor around us. Everyone else only sees the result. We know the process.

That’s why it’s bittersweet to look out. All you see are those hurt along the way.

The person who can see what went wrong is not the same person who did it wrong. And yet, that person is left bearing the consequences.

The only way to handle this is to learn and grow… You can’t forgive what hasn’t changed.

This forgiveness lets you find another story in the rubble pile.

One of hope, faith, trust, and love. A striving toward the highest good. A willingness to let go of anything less than the truth.

You’ll look down and realize that most of the water in that trail of tears is sweat. Proof that you did the best you could with the time you had.

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The regret we feel on our deathbed is the weight of the excess we didn’t remove.

Humans seem to be slaves to their beliefs until we decide otherwise.

It’s as though our destiny is to adopt a world view that must be played out.

We keep going back to toxic relationships until the idea that we can fix people (or that other people can fix us) runs its course.

We eat junk food, doom scroll, and continue getting into debt over stupid purchases until the idea that happiness is something “out there” runs its course.

We scream into the wind of politics and get sucked into the world of “news” until the idea that we can change other people runs its course.

These ideas and beliefs infect us like viruses.

It’s as though we need to continue the fever of our senseless actions until our immune system figures things out.

And so we throw ourselves into the fire of self destruction in every combination until we finally outgrow the world view.

Working too much. Working out too much. Gambling. Affairs. Arguments. Binge eating. Drinking. Drugs. Drama. All attempts to lose or deny the self.

Of course, many of these habits stem from a deeper belief about our worth.

We can’t set boundaries or stand up for ourself so we cower in subservience. And when the pressure builds too much we seek these outlets to let it break.

This is the course for so many people until they decide different.

Each person has a unique concoction of concepts that makes their “identity”.

Religion, political affiliation, sexual proclivity, cultural norms… These things form the milieu of our first world view. It’s the belief we never think to question.

Our journey into adulthood is a constant testing of this. Little by little we get the painful feedback that our ideas aren’t as solid as we might have hoped.

Like a car driving down a road, potholes and roadside barriers reinforce our movement. These little pains serve as warning sings for parasitic ideas.

Most people mature enough to let go of the shallow beliefs. They’ll realize that the momentary reward of cheap pleasure isn’t worth the drama and pain it brings.

But the deeper beliefs live on for years. These are the repeated mistakes we make and the “cosmic lessons” we continue to relive.

For some, these parasitic ideas are so close to home that they destroy us. We drink, eat, or work ourselves to death. We can’t see ourselves as separate from the idea.

But for those who find clarity in these belief-deaths, a rare moment of peace occurs.

We realize that we don’t have to carry the heavy weights all day just to feel normal. We can not work and still be lovable. We don’t have to fix every problem in the world.

In this newfound space, we can choose something different.

We can evaluate beliefs based on how true they are and choose those that orient us toward the highest good. We can author a world view that makes us better people.

Because the reality is that we don’t do things for the outcome. We choose our path in life based on how it impacts us… The income.

The outcome is an external effect of our actions. It’s nice, but it’s only ever a second reason why. The money, fame, or status just can’t fulfill you.

But the income is our internal experience. It’s the way we change through the process.

You pick the job you have because of the ways in which it will challenge you.

You pick the partner you have because of the ways in which you need to grow.

You pick the hobbies you have because of the thoughts and emotions they elicit.

“Our destiny is the free will of our higher self.”

It’s not our choice. Well, not our conscious choice. We are drawn in ways that are mysterious and opaque at the moment. Only in hindsight do we understand.

Our path was a cry for help. It just took us a while to finally listen.

It’s only when we grow strong enough to overcome the parasitic beliefs that the illness ends. Our immune system is strong enough to overcome the infection.

Why does it take some longer than others to get well? And why do some people never make it out? Who knows. Maybe it’s not for us to know.

But I think the only way to find peace in this life is to believe that you can change.

If you can shake the little beliefs and habits that cause you problems, you can let go of the big ones too.

Maybe the best thing to do is to give ourselves over to the idea completely. Let the belief have its way so that the infection can run its course quicker.

Seems risky… But often we don’t take things seriously because we never fully view the consequences in the harsh light of day.

We get to live out our low-level infection for decades until it decimates our immune system. The little cough that never goes away opens the door for worse.

You are not your beliefs. But you’ll never see that until you learn to question them.

The things you hold dear and true aren’t necessarily dear or true.

If they are, they’ll still be that way after inspection. But you must be willing to see them for what they are. You don’t need to protect your beliefs or coddle your ideas.

The only way to freedom is to be willing to let the parts die.

Better a hand be thrown into hell than an entire body.