It was terrible, I was in such a state of grief. All I could do is sit in my chair, weighted down with remorse. My dear friend Liz, after listening to me , simply said “All is forgiven”. Soon after that, I started watching the birds at the birdfeeders . Little snippets of joy began again for me. That phrase”All is Forgiven” and watching the birds pulled me back from the abyss.

I watch the sky, clouds are good today. Most of the folks coming by are his regular customers, We listen to music on his speaker, eat bologna sandwiches ( a childhood favorite that I hadn’t have in years) drink a coke. Simples pleasures..

We discuss numerology which we both have an interest in, laugh because we both hated numbers in school. Share a little family gossip but agreeably not over the top. Neither of us have any malicious streak, we both believe in live, and let live. Plus we love family, he’s my husband’s nephew and proved to be a great comfort to me when Dean died.

Just a mellow Saturday in the cool, blue north🩷

Sisu Writes Again

The whole family gathered a day or two before Dean died. Children, grandchildren, brothers, nieces, nephews, friends—it seemed everyone wanted one last chance to see him.

The night before he let go was one of the longest nights of my life.

For the first time ever, I found myself going straight from a glass of wine to making espresso. Sleep simply wasn’t an option. Dean was restless and agitated, trying to climb out of bed, flailing his arms, unable to settle. He needed someone with him every minute.

One of his brothers stayed up with me, and somehow we made it through the night.

The hospice nurse came the next morning. She got him sitting up briefly, adjusted his medications, and made him more comfortable. I tried to lie down for a little while, but after being awake for nearly twenty-eight hours, my body and mind had completely given up on each other.

That evening, I climbed into bed beside him.

For a little while, everything became quiet. We simply lay there together.

It would be our last peaceful moment.

Sometime later, while I was finally asleep, Dean died.

I’ve heard that’s not unusual. Sometimes people wait until their loved one isn’t watching before they let go.

The day itself passed in a blur. Friends and family filled the house. There were hugs, tears, stories, phone calls, and the strange business of death that somehow has to be managed while you’re still trying to understand what has happened.

After the funeral home took Dean away, the family went out to dinner together.

I wish I could say that was the end of the difficult part.

It wasn’t.

The following day, everything fell apart.

For quite a while, Rachel and my granddaughter Lilith had barely tolerated each other. The tension had been building for years. All it took was one question.

Lilith asked Rachel, “When are you getting your mother out of here?”

She was referring to my plan to move back to Connecticut after Dean’s burial. I had already told Lilith that she and her partner, Jesse, could stay in the house.

Rachel was furious.

Within seconds, the two of them were screaming at each other. Everyone on the porch could hear it. I wasn’t surprised. Those two had never gotten along, but I never imagined it would erupt like this.

That argument fractured the family.

Dean’s brother Matt sided with Lilith. He stormed off, drove back to Connecticut, and declared he wasn’t coming back. He said he’d been to too many family funerals that ended this way.

He never returned.

A year later, he still wasn’t speaking to me.

Despite everything, Dean’s memorial service was beautiful. So many friends came to honor him, sharing stories, laughter, and memories. I remember almost none of it. Grief has a way of wrapping everything in fog.

The day after the service, I left for Connecticut. Two weeks later, I returned to New Hampshire to pack my belongings and bring my cat home.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I found.

The house had been stripped of nearly every trace that Dean and I had lived there together.

Most of my personal belongings had been piled into my bedroom, but countless other things had simply disappeared.

Photographs.

Family mementos.

Dean’s extensive knife collection.

His wedding ring.

His cell phone.

His iPad.

Gone.

Just…gone.

I asked Lilith and Jesse to leave. I had the locks changed and began the difficult task of selling the house.

But the greatest loss wasn’t material.

It was my grandson, Abe.

He chose Lilith’s side, and he hasn’t spoken to me since.

That has hurt more than the missing possessions ever could.

Dean was loved by so many people. I always imagined that after his death, our family would draw closer together.

Instead, his passing became the fault line that split us apart.

I never saw that coming.

And that may be the saddest part of all.

After my husband left this worldly plane I moved back to my Connecticut hometown and Ina and I started doing things together. We had known each other for about 45 years, as soon as I would get into her car, I would be on Inez time. She’s a terrible driver. She never goes faster than 40 mph no matter what road we’re on oblivious of other drivers, especially noticeable when leaving a parking space no attention paid to whether a car is waiting for her to move. She often stops mid move to light a cigarette. I’ve accepted this. It helps to have a THC gummy before getting in the car and sometimes a small box of wine on hand is necessary just because she often will get in conversation with the random strangers, including the irate drivers that are waiting for her, it’s amusing most of the time ! so anyway today was a Sunday. It was very, very hot and humid for New England and after a couple hours at the store, she worked at called” free-for-all “we were both hot, tired and grumpy. I offered to pay for lunch but the pizza place, I had in mind was closed. The country store was also closed and she says she wants to go to Piggly Wiggly for lunch. I was totally horrified “what, what no way ,let’s go to Applebee’s “well you would’ve thought that I had suggested going to the moon ! She was so not into the idea, she was actually distraught about it. So, of course I did relent, and we ended up going to Piggly Wiggly and it was fine, more or less, air conditioned and a lot cheaper. I got to bring home a big box of Kleenex and a bottle of Pinot.

But then, she drops me off, helps carry in my two bags (I had left with none) and we hang out in the backyard. She gets into discussing some of the past reminiscing about the old days, apartments, boyfriends, etc. She mentioned one , Kyle S and I say I remember Kyle she looks shocked. Why would you remember him she asked so I said “well he called me up one day out of the blue and proceeded to tell me in graphic pornographic detail about you and my husband Dean sex life “ Well, that shut her up for a moment ha ha! A few decades late but gratifying nevertheless….