Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s.

The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language.

Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers:

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Hey Shithead,

How was your August? What’s news with you? Actually, don’t bother updating us. We really couldn’t give a shit.

Yes, we can’t quite believe it’s September already either. And that means of course that as a VIP Grumpy Fucker here on Shitstack, you’re entitled to 15% off everything in our merch store.

And that’s because every month, we give VIPs a 15% discount code that can be used in-store on anything. And the best part is that the discount code can be used again and again.

Talk about early Christmas shopping!

Even subscribing for one month ($7 per month) could more than pay for itself if you’re looking to get some good-looking Grumpy Fuckers gear. And we ship worldwide!

Browse our store here

So if you want to upgrade, and get your hands on our discount code AND get access to all the treats in our Paid tier, you can do that right here 👇

Subscribe now

Anyway. Here’s September’s 15% discount code. Keep hold of it because you can use it as many times as you like throughout September 👇

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Here at Grumpy Fuckers HQ, we’ve been busy little fuckers.

But you don’t really care about that, do you?

No.

Of course not.

That’s fine. Here’s our latest weekly round-up for our esteemed paid subscribers.

Love Clive

xx

NEWS: Grumpy barber charges extra for conversation

A grumpy barber has started charging clients extra if they want to chat while they have their hair cut.

Glenn Glumboots said it wasn’t his job to talk to people and that charging people extra was perfectly acceptable.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

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A woman who was told to calm down by her boyfriend has not calmed down.

Ethel Bobblehat said that being told to calm down was an open invitation to lose her shit.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was having an argument with my dickhead boyfriend, when I got a little bit angry. He wasn’t listening to a word I was saying and was trying to talk over me. I shouted a little bit, which was when he told me to calm down. I didn’t calm down. Instead, I lost my shit and smashed the house up.”

Boyfriend Ben said:

“I thought that telling her to calm down would calm her down but it didn’t calm her down, it made her not calm down even more. She smashed up the house and drove my car into a lake. She then came back and beat me with a rubber hose before setting the house on fire. I think I’ve learnt my lesson not to tell her to calm down when she’s angry because she definitely doesn’t calm down. She goes apeshit.”

Ms Bobblehat has since been relaxing by sticking pins in a small, boyfriend-shaped doll.

Scientists have announced the discovery of a previously unknown human organ whose sole purpose is to make middle-aged fucker grunt whenever they stand up.

The organ, provisionally called the ‘fucksake’ gland, was discovered by a team of experts while on their lunch break.

Top scientist Prof. Timmy Bigbrains told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We were all having lunch because that’s what we do at lunchtime when one of the older fuckers of the group decided to get out of his chair. What came out of his mouth as he did so was a deep grunt and we all stopped to try and make out what the fucker had said.

“Sadly, he didn’t actually say anything so that got us thinking about what it is that makes old fucker grunt as they get out of their chairs. We took the grunty fucker down to the lab and set about opening him up. Then we asked him to get out of his chair a few times and sure enough, he grunted. After that, it was simply following the grunts until we located the fucksake gland. We found it just above his gut but slightly lower than his lungs and around the back a bit. We also found an old sock in there. No idea where that shit came from.”

Scientists are now looking at ways to silence the organ.

“We’ll just rip the fucker out,” said Prof. Bigbrains.

Click here to get your Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop 2027 Calendar

37% of all men grow beards to cover up their pig-ugly faces.

The recent study showed that ugly men would grow their beards all over their faces if they could.

Kevin LardArse who ran the study said:

“The recent rise of the hipster look has given men the ideal opportunity to cover up their face if they themselves deemed them ugly. Previously, we used to see lads walking around with cardboard boxes on their heads but not so much these days. The hipster beard means that these boys can still show their faces in public and even attempt to try and chat others up- all without the need for a cardboard box.

“Our figures showed that 37% of men across the world only grew their beard so that they don’t look so bad. We were also surprised at how ugly some of the men were when they shaved their beards off.”

One participant in the study said that he had another reason for growing a beard:

“My chin looks like a pair of large buttocks so I was more than happy when the hipster beard look came along. I can walk to the shops now without looking as if I’ve got a massive arse hanging off my face.”

The other 63% questions said that they grew their beards because they look dashingly handsome with them.

Click here to get your Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop 2027 Calendar

A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions.

Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him.

He said: "I see friends and they're running around like lunatics all day. They're tired, they're stressy and worst of all, they're emotional. They go through highs and lows a…

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Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular.

People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers.

A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers:

“These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old shit without a care in the world. It’s n…

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Everywhere you look, there's another "expert" promising to revolutionize your sex life. Apparently, all it takes is better communication, mood lighting, organic massage oil, and a willingness to discuss your feelings for three uninterrupted hours.

Bullshit.

Most people don't need another therapist with a podcast. They need someone to admit that real sex happens in real life, where the dog scratches at the door, someone's back twinges, and exhaustion is the biggest turn-off of all. So, in the interests of honesty, welcome to Grumpy's Guide to Sex. A guide for people who have traded fantasy for reality and discovered that reality isn't half as bad.

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Family fucking meals. Three words that strike dread into the heart of every reasonable person.

A mandatory gathering where people who share your DNA but none of your opinions sit around a table and take turns ruining your appetite.

You can’t avoid them forever. Believe us, we’ve tried. So here’s how to get through one without ending up on the news for the wrong reasons.

Read more

How’s your week going?

As shittily as ours?

To cheer you up, we’ve got some new crap at our online store. And even betterer than that, you can get 15% discount off every-fucking-thing in-store by becoming a VIP Grumpy Fucker. All you need to do is upgrade via the button below and we’ll send you a discount code that you can use for the rest of June.

Q: How fucking lucky are you?

A: Very.

Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop crewneck T-shirt

This official and classic Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop heavyweight cotton t-shirt is one our bestsellers, sold to fuckers all over the world.

Includes a hole to put your head in and out plus two arm holes for your arms.

Get yours here

Grumpy Fuckers retro crewneck T-shirt

This heavyweight retro cotton t-shirt is perfect for wearing both inside the house and outside the house. Will make you look instantly the most attractive person in the room*

*possibly

Get yours here

NEW IN-STORE! I Put A Bra On For This?

Display your disappointment without even having to say a word.

Perfect for ladies with titties and men with moobs.

Get yours here

A Little Bit Stabby crewneck T-shirt

Give your friends, family, and work colleagues a gentle reminder that you’re not available to talk before your coffee with our heavyweight crewneck T-shirt.

Get yours here

100% Grumpy Fucker crewneck T-shirt

We made this T-shirt just for you.

Actually, we didn’t. But it’ll look fabulous as fuck on you.

Classis heavyweight fit to keep your titties warm.

Get yours here

15% Off Everything In-Store!

If you’re already a VIP Grumpy Fucker, your discount code is below this line that’s not available to all the tight-arsed free fuckers 👇

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No fucker asked for your enthusiasm.

The hostess chirping “Hi guys, welcome in!” like you’ve just parachuted into a birthday party - no fucker asked for that either.

You’re here to eat. Ideally in peace. Ideally without any fucker crouching down to your table level to explain the concept of a tasting menu.

Here’s how to survive.

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Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake.

The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period.

Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers:

Read more

Hey Fuckface,

How was your May? Ours was shit. FYI.

Even so, we have some good(ish) news.

All VIP Grumpy Fuckers (that’s our paid tier here on Shitstack) are entitled to 15% off everything in our merch store.

And that’s because we give them a 15% discount code that can be used in-store on anything. And the best part is that the discount code can be used again and again.

Talk about early Christmas shopping!

Even subscribing for one month ($7 per month) could more than pay for itself if you’re looking to get some good-looking Grumpy Fuckers gear. And we ship worldwide!

Browse our store here

So if you want to upgrade, and get your hands on our discount code AND get access to all the treats in our Paid tier, you can do that right here 👇

Subscribe now

Anyway. Here’s June’s 15% discount code. Keep hold of it because you can use it as many times as you like throughout June 👇

Read more

A staggering 28% of the population now consider the coffee bean as their birth stone.

The figure was recently published in a report that no one really gives a shit about.

Gordon FatArse, who undertook the study told Grumpy Fuckers:

Read more

A man has made conversation with his wife who was sat next to him after Facebook went down last night.

The popular social networking site went down leaving many not sure what to do with themselves.

Jeff WideGut told Grumpy Fuckers:

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People all over the world are being urged to Hug a Grumpy Fucker in the world’s first International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day.

The day is aimed at giving grumpy people some attention and cheering the fuckers up.

Organiser Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

Read more

Getting laid has never been more difficult.

In today’s modern society, there are complex dynamics to navigate. Thankfully, we’re put together this 10-point Grumpy Fuckers guide to getting yourself laid.

Let us know how you get on, ya filthy animal.

Read more

Hey Fuckface,

How was April? As shit as we all expected?

Well we have some good(ish) news.

All VIP Grumpy Fuckers (that’s our paid tier here on Shitstack) are entitled to 15% off everything in our merch store.

And that’s because we give them a 15% discount code that can be used in-store on anything. And the best part is that the discount code can be used again and again.

Even subscribing for one month ($7 per month) could more than pay for itself if you’re looking to get some good-looking Grumpy Fuckers gear. And we ship worldwide!

Browse our store here

So if you want to upgrade, and get your hands on our discount code AND get access to all the treats in our Paid tier, you can do that right here 👇

Subscribe now

Anyway. Here’s May’s 15% discount code. Keep hold of it because you can use it as many times as you like throughout May 👇

Read more

The humble cat has officially been announced as the animal least likely to give a fuck about anything.

The cats were pushed all the way to the winning post by koalas and last year’s winner – the honey badger.

Professor Timmy CleverClogs who ran the study said:

Read more