The confrontation of the two positions generates a tension charged with energy and creates a living, third thing... a movement out of the suspension between opposites, a living birth that leads to a new level of being, a new situation. Carl Jung 1

Feel the pain of your life. Feel the anger. Feel the disappointment. Feel the loss. Feel the outrage and all that sits beneath it. The grief. The despair. The sadness of all that hasn’t gone as planned. Let it bring you right to the edge… Jeff Williams2

On its surface the process may seem linear as in first you must clear the anger to sense the inner child, to find that person I was at a young age. The duality of embracing (or even finding) one’s inner child with a concurrent mandate to clear anger, that apparently is some multi-life (not to mention multi-generational) baggage, strains my brain and disturbs my spirit.

My sense is the process is more nuanced than linear, where one has to move between domains of joy and rage, letting the emotional confusion exist. Only by not judging one’s responses to the emotions when clearing anger can real progress be made. Awareness of the emotions provides just enough separation to allow space for non-judgment to take hold and grow. Ultimately the non-judgment quiets that inner-shamer voice, that morale deflating critic who thrives in a domain of unwarranted respect and validity, who fears losing power while you come face to face with your shadows. Does that voice ever say anything supportive?

To reconcile properly the duality I found a middle ground, informed by the distinction between a “desire” and a “need” when envisioning one’s future. Unknown is the duration of this found ground as a steady state in my efforts; so far it is providing some peace in my process and journey. The middle ground is stabilized by my accepting I have no agency in my life; that is not to say I sit idly on the sidelines as the parade of my life trundles by. Instead, I recognize our physical manifestation requires participation in the parade, active participation. Where I have moved to in my limited understanding is no agency means my life is all God 3, confirmed when I learned God has me by the neck (see the leading quote above). 4 Fortunately, I already had concluded recently that I have no agency and that inclinations (or desires) I have for my life are rather meaningless. Learning God has me by the neck was confirmation of what I already sensed; I have to admit that sense did not include my picturing God having me by the neck. My first response when told this news was to laugh. (What other choice is there?) 5 Symbolically, the image of God having one by the neck is very effective. I picture my feet just off the ground dangling, shuffling back and forth in a wanton attempt to touch something solid while my neck is held aloft, cradled in God’s grip. There isn’t much one can do but to go with it.

I have sought insight from a variety of spiritual sources. Each informs me of the same, the stranded state (a suspended animation) that is my life. Recurringly, the message is that the waiting is intentional, God ordained if you will, that my role is to do the inner work, to reconcile the opposing forces within me (embrace my inner child and clear multi-life anger) to manifest a third thing. Only then will my life move forward. The essence of the challenge at hand (reconciling the duality) is that there really isn’t a choice here. I have to find peace within a sea of frustration stemming from my suspended life; finding that peace is no easy task. Existing in what feels like a stagnant state and doing the work to clear the latent anger, I came to a place where a thought sprung forth, to tell God to go ahead and take me.

The foundation of this position is grounded in the concepts of “no agency” on one end and the friction between “desire” versus “need” on the other. The distinction between desire and need is subtle but meaningful. The originating energy of a future envisioned (dreamed of) apparently affects the outcome: a need (extending from an energy of lacking) or a desire (extending from an energy of love and altruism) may likely result in very different outcomes.

If the goal is to find and embrace my inner child while clearing stuck anger, then perhaps the best way to achieve those end goals is to find that sense of ease one has as a child, the pure joy of living, unblemished by the wounds of time. To find that child-like sense I have to accept that God has me by the neck. The result is an understanding that any desire for my future is meaningless as it is all God anyway. So, I choose to surrender. I surrender my expectation for a future, accepting I have no agency. As I see it, only by letting go of any and all expectation does my life move into its next phase. It’s like this, since I have no agency, rendering desire for a specific future meaningless, I surrender, and within that surrender I declare to God, if I am to remain in my suspended state, go ahead and take my life . To properly embrace my inner child I need to put myself in that childhood state of mind, devoid of any concern for the future, with only a focus on the here and now. If I let go then perhaps I am held?

Balancing between desire and need is delicate and reminds me of a prior mental state when I was very concerned where my future was headed. In my life, there is no question that the greatest gifts have been my family, namely my wife, my children (daughter and son), and my father and mother. Each in their own way has demonstrated unyielding support, love for me, and belief in me, especially my wife and my father. There was a time in my late twenties when I feared I was fated to a life like that found in a Shakespearean tragedy, where a character’s love goes unrequited, where the years accumulate in a heap and not a day goes by without pining for another soul. Somehow that tragic outcome was not my fate. My wife and I passed our thirtieth wedding anniversary earlier this year. Honestly, looking back on those days of profound worry for my future, I am not certain how it all came together. Though it is up to us to keep our relationship through our active participation in it, I see it as God given. How can I not considering I am “held” by the neck by God?

Strangely, I am not certain if there was a distinction between desire and need in those mid to late twenties years. The friction of time can contribute to genuine desire morphing into desperate need as that is what happened to me. When that shift occurs, does the desire become spoiled, degrading into a state of lacking, even though the desire’s origination was true, authentic, and from the heart? Hard to know, but fortunately for me that was not the case, though there were many dark moments before our mutual commitment was made.

The issue with my declaration to God is that it’s tainted. One still has to return to the joy of living, tapping into the love in order to experience the joy. When experiencing the joy, it brings forth desire, a desire for more joy. Declaring to God to go ahead and take my life resides in a state of need, a position grounded in lacking. With desire for joy, perhaps I am shaping my future, keeping the outcome envisioned as simple as possible. Let God take care of the details. So, I am not confident my declaration will find purchase. A strange irony in this journey of reconciling duality to a “third thing,” by declaring to God to take my life I ultimately return to living the life I am gifted, working in concert to manifest that third thing.

I best find my inner child quickly…I believe he was left in Tucson.

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One of the peculiar ironies of being a human self in the Cosmos: A stranger approaching you in the street will in a second’s glance see you whole, size you up, place you in a way in which you cannot and never will, even though you have spent a lifetime with yourself…Why is it in your entire lifetime you will never be able to size yourself up as you can size up somebody else…in a ten second look? Walker Percy (Lost in the Cosmos: The Last Self-Help Book)

In my younger days I regularly saw faces in unusual ways staring back at me; they were often an amalgam of what otherwise would be disparate items. The faces were not like that of a poster of Uncle Sam staring back at me with pointed finger. Instead they frequently were formed by light and shadows where my gaze would land, such as seeing a tree’s limbs and leaves in such a way as to perceive a face peering back at me.

The experiences occurred with greater frequency during a long period of depression in my late teens through my early twenties as consequence to a boarding school environment that carved deep emotional wounds in my psyche. In my depressed state my tendency was to interpret seeing faces with a sense of dread, as confirmation that I truly was the low value to others that I felt about myself. In those days I viewed the world though lenses tainted by a jaded dysphoria. Proper framing was difficult as my depressed mind framed experiences in terms that confirmed my sense of worthlessness (or whatever negative state the depressed voice was telling me), as if all my lived experiences are merely representations, that is mirrors, of the highly suspicious, tainted by fear of judgment, emotionally detached from any hints of joy, place in which my mind resided.

If receiving an objective assessment of oneself were as easy as looking in a mirror, if seeing and understanding oneself objectively were available like a ray of sunshine perhaps much of the personal discord and dissonance one experiences in life would evaporate. The constraint to viewing oneself, that is to objectively assess all matters and manners of the self, seemingly aligns with the human dynamic that our species lives in an open loop framework. We are inherently a people species: in order to live fulfilling lives each of us needs the presence of others in his or her life. Is it not through our relationships that we find definition and clarity as to whom we really are? By witnessing the reactions and the actions directed towards oneself by those in our lives, a feedback loop is developed. 1 If I am obtuse and lack empathy for others the universe will reward my behavior with similar treatment; those who have the misfortune of engaging with an obtuse personality instinctively default to reflecting the same energy back to its source. A reinforcing cycle, one that each of us creates.

Seeing faces gazing at me is that same information, a message mirrored back to me, offering a glance of another perspective in hope that I may be aware enough to grasp the message. Unfortunately, in my younger days I was ill-prepared to handle spiritual encounters with my guides, believing wrongly they were there merely to serve as validation of my sense of abandonment, an endorsement of my insignificance. Ironic is it not that I would view these experiences with spirit as corroboration of my sense of spiritual abandonment? The workings of my depressed mind commonly led to counterfactual conclusions of reality and self.

At nineteen I transferred from a small university with strong religious affiliation to a large state school in part because I recognized that the personality I was sharing with others at the small school was not my true self. I realized the small student body that accepted me for who I was then, with all my flaws, was not the place for me to find my true self. So, I decided to transfer. Ironically, by transferring I had to face the demons of my past, the sense of dread, and the weight of emotional isolation by not having an avenue to share my distraught and heavy heart. At my new school the primary source of my despair and a major contributor to my depression was a member of the same student community as I. Whether I understood it then or not, I realized later that my transferring schools enabled me to face the demons; it was the only way to heal as avoidance would not enable growth. It was in this new environment I started seeing with more frequency the many faces peering back at me.

Wallowing in the depths of depression felt like an exercise in forced discovery. I had to find a way out, but what path would avail myself to feeling better? After so many years of shouldering the isolation, the consequence of years of focused efforts of a classmate to build consensus against me combined with my having no idea how to reframe or combat his efforts, I sensed change was possible when a girl came into my life. My sense of self was severely damaged from the years of calumny, and I am not certain if my distrustful paranoia held any truth to my sense that the many I encountered in my new environment viewed me with affected eyes (relying on hearsay to size me up instead of forming their own opinions). With the girl’s arrival in my life though, the same many, who I was convinced held immutable yet unfounded beliefs of my nature, were then challenged to see me in a different light as they asked themselves, “How is she with him?” 2 For me she was a gift from God; a face (a soul) peering back at me bringing immense light into my life. To this day she likely has only a faint sense of the powerful positive impact she made on me. Even in my state of inferior emotional maturity to hers, I benefitted profoundly from the relationship.

In meeting my general education requirements I recall a contemporary English Literature class that had on its reading list works by authors such as Walker Percy. I recently read again The Moviegoer, a novel by Percy that portrays the life a Korean War vet as he matriculates from his late twenties into marriage and medical school, searching for meaning and purpose in his life. Percy’s story centers around the existential crisis common to all; the crisis is not experienced in the same manner by each as the daily grind of existence, the everydayness, can impede the search for meaning:

The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life…To become aware of the possibility of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair.” 3

I recall when reading The Moviegoer in college during the depths (heights) of depression that the story, while providing context to begin to reframe the dominant unhealthy perspective I used to witness my reality, also added to my depression by forcing me to ask serious questions about myself. I was helped by reading the thoughts of an author who struggled with his own purpose. However, the questions stimulated by the reading contributed further to my malaise:

“What is the malaise? you ask. The malaise is the pain of loss. The world is lost to you, the world and the people in it, and there remains only you and the world and you no more able to be in the world than Banquo’s ghost.” 4

Emotionally exhausted from the defeating thoughts, I decided I was not able to be in the world in the state I was in. No longer tolerant of my state of mind, regardless of its source by forces external, internal, or both, I vowed to find and to feel a better emotional state and to live it. At the time I saw the situation from a detached viewpoint, that I was alone in my lived experience, but that thinking was wrong. Though I felt the discovery of a new way of experiencing life was my own herculean task, what I did not understand was that spirit was guiding my pathway of discovery, of finding my authentic self, buried under years of emotional scarring and youthful ignorance.

I will never forget the day the depression lifted. Frequently contemplating dropping out of school, I somehow graduated college. (My unhealthy frame of mind limited my ability to focus and severely affected my academic performance.) The winter after graduation I was in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado watching a housemate soft-boil eggs in a pot of water. Using a spoon he lifted one of the eggs from the water and as he brought the egg over the lip of the large pot, my sight was drawn to the adjacent field, a golf course covered in snow. Instantly the light changed, more luminous, brighter, a twinkling glow, with a comforting peace. I recall thinking, “Wow, what just happened?” As the days passed I realized my state of mind was lighter; my depression had lifted.

Since we are unable to witness ourselves, reflection in some form is a source for insight into the next phase of our spiritual development. Mirrors (reflections) are a kind of guidepost, not only those found on the walls of our homes but also those in our field of view, as we live our lives: there but often not seen, not recognized for its purpose. The mirror may be obscure, like a four-legged furry friend of unyielding devotion, who though unable to speak words has an uncanny ability to tap into our frames of mind and impart development of our wisdom. Given our limited ability to view ourselves as others see us, we need mirrors to inform our understanding of self.

An insight gained from the depression was that through others there is always something to learn, that I need to be more aware of those, whether familiar or not, who come into my life, recognizing a potential insight can come from anyone. What I missed then in my epiphany was the mystical component to the insight, that communing with God is not limited to a meditative state or requires forty days in the desert, it also includes interactions with others, known and unknown persons or friendly furry friends, who may be there just when I need a helping hand or smile.

_______________

Looking back on that dark period, I see now it was the beginning of a long quest towards my authentic self. On its surface finding the authentic self seems like it would be an easy process. So many have come before me. At this point in humanity’s history should not finding the authentic self be as simple as stopping by the neighborhood convenience store for a Slurpee of Authenticity or the clothing store to be fitted with my suit of authentic self?

If you’re willing your guides will help you on your path to authenticity. Perhaps your path is one not littered like all the others with discarded shells of identity, those shedded layers of self where buried beneath is a soul ensconced within a constructed false reality, a product of the time in which you live. Unfortunately, your path like mine likely will be littered with sheddings of the useless layers because the search for the authentic self is not easy.

What is it that seeds the desire to seek another lived experience from the everydayness of one’s life? Often some form of trauma enters life to stir the soul and awaken the mind to the possibility of living differently from the normative behavior of contemporary (devoid of spiritual resonance) society. A life informed by the depths of a seminal trauma (depression) ultimately is the impetus for a separate peace from the despair.

In the film Midnight in Paris, Gertrude Stein (played by Kathy Bates) admonishes the aspiring novelist played by Owen Wilson, “Do not succumb to despair. The artist’s job is to find an antidote to the emptiness of existence.” My sense is this viewpoint is too limited. It is true we should not succumb to despair. However, the “emptiness of existence” is accurate only on its surface. The emptiness one experiences is the soul’s detachment from humanity’s constructed reality, be that reality of 2026, 1926, or any other period of “modern” humankind. We are subject to the sensation of emptiness as a motivating force to entice us to “look through” the everydayness of being in order to see and hopefully live within the rich spiritual dimension that is the true essence of life on Earth. The challenge is the looking through; direction on how to “look through” is told primarily through allegory, and our society places little value on allegorical instruction. Be that as it may, the story is the same, regardless of the century in which you live: finding authenticity is a quest of the soul.

Let it be known there is a fountain

That was not made by the hands of man

There is a road, no simple highway

Between the dawn and the dark of night

And if you go, no one may follow

That path is for your steps alone. 5

And yet, you are not alone on your path; you do have guides. Look around. On your journey (your individual spiritual journey) may you be willing to witness and to receive the helping ways of your guides as they may present in manners unexpected.

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Our waking life’s desire to shape the world to our convenience invites all manner of paradox and difficulty. Cormac McCarthy (Cities of the Plain)

Chaos is afoot in nearly every domain of modern life. The Fourth Way (Catastrophic Success)

To navigate these shock points successfully, we must cultivate awareness, presence, and courage. We must learn to recognize the signs, the subtle shifts in energy, the whispers of intuition that signal the approach of a Kairos moment. And when the moment arrives, we must act decisively, aligning ourselves with the cosmic octave, riding the wave of energy upward toward higher consciousness. Kairos – Alexander Beiner (Beware the Shock)

Recently, Arthur Brooks wrote an article in which he discusses some of his experiences and impressions that contributed to his upcoming book, The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness. Not lost on many readers is that Brooks explains the emptiness many are experiencing using Ian McGilchrist’s work that discusses the impact of our left brain dominate western world on self and society. Western thought is underpinned by Descartes work, some of which is understood contemporarily as the Cartesian Fallacy. 1 Philosophical constructs such as the Cartesian Fallacy instill a separation from nature and lead us into unknown lands where the soul seeks a meaningful connection that is difficult to locate. Our manmade realities can appear rather soulless, be that the glare and allure of a device screen, digital domains increasingly the purview of bots emulating human characteristics, the “rewards” of mass consumption, or built environments bereft of images and reflections informing the inhabitant of nature’s presence 2

What is one to do to navigate through the emptiness toward a place where guides are available to assist the soul in its quest for connection, to find one’s purpose in this Age of Emptiness, as Brooks refers to our era? Each of us has the capacity to end the sense of emptiness. The process is not easy, but it is available to each. Developing a heightened awareness of societal constructs that enable the emptiness is the first step. For example, simply by paying attention to one’s emotional response to an hour of being outdoors to that of an hour of doom scrolling, one can start to discern which life choices instill a sense of peace or a sense of dread. Without awareness, though, little can be accomplished to fill the emptiness with meaning.

Using one’s attention to create a place for meaning to exist is a way to start. With attention and intention one can start placemaking by defining and then developing the framework to allow meaning to return. Contemplating placemaking on a grand scale, my sense is the time is nigh to devote ourselves, each of us, to creating a place (not a physical place per se, but it could be) so that meaning can return. In so doing, the fallacy of our being detached from nature will start to fade, and a renewed awareness of connection will arise.

In my studies I originally was drawn to the ancient cultures of Central America due to my fascination with the cultures’ advanced awareness of and structural alignments with the movements of astronomical bodies. Ultimately, I turned away from those studies in response to course material that described in detail human sacrificial rituals. My attention then shifted to a period of extraordinary change for humanity. What the Declaration of Independence sparked, gained additional momentum with the application of industrial innovations, and accelerated with Einstein’s theories on relativity, human consciousness expanded over a 150 year period in ways unimaginable to those living in 1776. From the late Industrial Revolution through the early decades of the 20^th century, human potential was revealed on a grand scale as never before. Innovations such as the telephone, the phonograph, the light bulb, flight, and quantum theory changed the human experience with time, space, and the daily toil of existence.

The origins of the founding of the United States occurred in a period of social upheaval influenced by the application of ideas originated during the Enlightenment and the early stages of the Industrial Revolution. Ideas such as individuals possess natural rights independent of governmental authority were radical in the 16th century. These ideas fueled the few to imagine a new world where these radical ideas could find a home, a place to root in and grow so that many could live in a new framework.

Now 250 years later from the signing of the Declaration of Independence we may be amidst another shape shifting moment in human history. Is another movement forming on this very same land (this place on the planet where new ideas about human existence took root so many years ago) expanding the consciousness shifting radical ideas from over 250 years ago? Could new ways of understanding consciousness and energy take root here that could then spread around the world, but at greater velocity on modern technological platforms?

Are there events that may help explain the unfolding temporal (metaphysical) dynamic? If history is a guide (and I believe it is) there were periods where existing authorities (experts) worked diligently to control the story (or said more colloquially, the narrative), but with the force of time bringing forth the new every spin of the planet, the new happens whether the few support the new or not. Examples in history include seminal consciousness expanding events (on both physical and metaphysical levels) such as the invention of the printing press (distribution of closely guarded writings to the many from the few), the Scientific Revolution founded by Copernicus and Galileo (shifting humanity to a heliocentric view from a geocentric worldview), Martin Luther and the Protestant movement (undermining the dogmatic authority of the Catholic Church), and the Declaration of Independence (combining the philosophies of John Locke (idea of natural rights), Jean-Jacque Rousseau (sovereignty lies with the people not the monarch), and Charles Montesquieu (separation of powers in government).

With efforts globally to institute control and censorship systems of various peoples, is the United States at a stage where another “cosmic shock” is about to occur? 3 Is this a point in time as The Fourth Wave describes in “Beware the Shock” that attention and intention are required to ensure we do achieve the higher octave of human potential, a transcendence to a new consciousness, revealing further our potential as humans?

Modern day life in the developed world is increasingly a barrage of noise with few signals to guide people towards meaningful lives. If anything the goal of the barrage appears to be to unmoor society, creating dissonance and a dystopian sense of emptiness. I feel for my young adult kids trying to make sense of the world. What is coming at them on various platforms and in the mass media is disturbing at best and completely unnerving otherwise. To better my well-being, I quit watching news programming in 2011.

Signals in the increasing decibels of noise have been there all along; it’s just that they get harder and harder to hear as we bathe in the glory of unlimited want and need in a mass consumer driven treadmill. No amount of consumerism can remove the connection we have with nature, with spirit; it can be dulled but not removed.

Many surrendered to the “science” and alienated themselves from important and essential human connections during the covid outbreak. The covid years shined a light on essential human needs. As we move further away from those years where suspicion and fear were often paramount to love and connection, we can look back and see that surrendering our sovereignty to make decisions in the best interest of family, friends, and self, leads to sensory depths of detachment, alienation, and abandonment.

The goal of science is to solve the world’s problems. The question to ask may be “what if the world is perfect as it is, and it is we humans who are obligated to remove the shackles of outdated beliefs in order to experience fully Earth’s perfection?” The words of Walker Percy echo forward in time, capturing with eery prescience the zeitgeist in which we exist, where science is held as a form of religion by its practitioners and users:

Scientism is characterized less by the practice of a method of discovery and knowing than by what can only be called a surrender of sovereignty and a willingness to believe almost as a matter of course that the scientific method by virtue of its spectacular triumphs and the near magic of its technology can be extrapolated to a quasi-religious all-construing worldview. Walker Percy (Signposts in a Strange Land, 1990) 4

This moment may be the beginning of a structural shift in our thinking by recognizing that our value as individuals is not in the noise, and in order to hear (or see through our mind’s eye) our unique signals, we best turn inward to regain our sovereignty and to find the guides that will help us recognize those signals. A guide can be a direct communion with spirit, an insightful friend, or the benefits of a larger network of like-minded people (its all led by spirit). The signals can come in many forms, such as a reflection revealing a new perspective, mirrors (both literally and figuratively through the eyes of another living entity) where a glimpse of the soul is held, or the off-handed yet perfectly pertinent comment from someone you just met. If we can pause just long enough we may see a light or hear a message that properly directs (pulls) our attention towards deep, meaningful desires of the soul.

The observations of Walker Percy again provide context for the current state of western culture:

This is the age of theory and consumption, yet not everyone is satisfied by theorizing and consuming. The common mark of the theorist and consumer is that neither knows who he is or what he wants outside of theorizing and consuming. Walker Percy (Signposts in a Strange Land, 1990)

The development and application of AI may demonstrate that the philosophical foundations of western culture have “jumped the shark” 5 and that those foundations are in the early stages of reconsideration for their utility in our quickly evolving modern world. Does the increasing pervasiveness of AI into all matters of left-brain functionality (logical reasoning, sequential processing, detailed oriented thinking, numerical reasoning) ultimately free our minds so that space is available for our next evolution of human consciousness, to allow for right brain functions (creativity and imagination, holistic (big picture) thinking, nonverbal communication, spatial awareness, music and rhythm) to take a more primary place in our daily lives?

The emptiness many feel is a result of core western philosophical foundations that have reached an end of their usefulness, and with AI’s programming grounded in the same philosophies that engender separation and loneliness, it is not surprising concerns are arising about misuses of the technology. One lesson the great Charlie Munger advised in trying to understand complex matters, was always invert your perspective to get a clearer picture of the problem or challenge. If one inverts the viewpoint that AI could be the bane of human existence, what does one see? Opportunity to free our minds from limiting constructs in order to develop (embrace) senses of awareness we all have but have not been cultivated over these last 250 years is one positive possibility.

What are your deepest desires for yourself, for your loved ones, for your extended family, for your community. Create your space (place) by seeking connection with spirit and asking for guidance to that place that has meaning, your individual place where your heart reflects your desire, a place where logic and reason do not dwell. There are many guides on Substack, writing profoundly inspiring messages of hope for our future while also providing tools (guideposts) that are available to each of us, tools that have existed for eons but are only now bubbling up into our shared public discourse. 6

What will arise from our collective placemaking for right brain ascendency? Well, that is an unknown, but my sense (hope) is that with each of us directing our attention, intention, and efforts to free ourselves from the confines of our manmade realities, the result will open new doors of perception, reveal deeper human connection to each other and to spirit, reduce and rid the emptiness many are experiencing, and unleash new discoveries that shape human consciousness in ways truly unimaginable, especially to those revolutionaries who drafted the Declaration of Independence so many years ago.

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Before Otis the Corgi came into my life I had the fortune of being guided by Etta, a beautiful hybrid her vet guessed was the result of a Labrador and Akita joining. Etta was a gentle soul whose daily routine included a morning tour, visiting neighbors during their coffee hours, sharing tail wags for love pats and treats. She often returned with tokens from her journey: a small doll missing an arm; a black case containing compact field glasses; a lost ball; other nick-nacks left by neighborhood children that drew her interest. She would place them in a special spot under the porch.

Etta guided me through a major transition in my life moving from the Pacific Northwest to the sunbaked high desert of Idaho. A very dog friendly place, Etta could roam as she pleased, always returning to her home. Our daily routine included nighttime walks. Etta would approach me in the late evening, staring intently with her big brown eyes, tail wagging, “asking” if I am ready for our walk. On one particular night Etta guided me to a very special experience.

Straying from our usual loop, we were drawn by the luminescent glow of full moon light reflecting off the snow. With no need for a headlamp as the trees were casting shadows, we made our way toward a field of undisturbed snow, the accumulation of many winter storms. We were new to the valley with little prior experience of mountain life, blissful in our ignorance, joyful for the adventure, and hopeful for our future. Following the heart to carve and hone a life adjacent to nature we sought a peace elusive within urban settings.

The first hints of spring brought rain, which froze when temperatures quickly returned to normal. Left was a cover of ice, a thick crust on a layer cake of winter snowstorms. The crust supported Etta and me as we trod towards the high embankment, four feet or so of accumulation undisturbed, the surface shimmering in the moonlight. The light was glistening over the frozen surface extending as far as I could see. Each exhale a cloud of cold smoke, I helped Etta onto the sheet of ice, slippery yet textured like coarse grain sandpaper. I climbed up to join her then ran across the ice in my thick heavy boots and slid like a child in socks down a long hallway. Etta gave chase. In her attempt to stop Etta’s large paws were spinning on the ice like a character in a cartoon, suspended animation, legs moving yet remaining stationary. Regaining traction, Etta bounced with joy and delight after each chase.

Using the heal of my boot I punched through the ice, a thick composition of crystalized snow from the unseasonal rain freezing in the cold temps. Cracking the surface I reached with my gloved hand to pick up a chunk of ice and whipped it across the surface like I was tossing a flat rock on a still pond. Etta ran for the ice in hot pursuit. Each time I skipped the ice across the frozen surface she ran for it, corralling the ice in her forepaws. After unsuccessful attempts to bite through the ice chunk, she would drop it and return for another round. The game went on for many rounds of throwing, chasing, and returning; we were lost in time. In the clear lunar-bright winter night we romped and played like children, experiencing sheer joy and delight. My heart swelled with love for Etta, my guide to joy.

Now twenty-eight years since my wife and I left the city for a life in the mountains, the night on ice with Etta resonates deeply all these years later. Moments of immersive full engagement with no self-awareness are elusive. At the time I casually assumed the frozen surface romp to be one of many similar moments to come. How did I not know the uniqueness and rarity of that night instead of thinking it was one of many to come? With Etta’s help I have realized her presence was the mirror for me to witness and experience spiritual oneness.

That night is like an old token among the myriad odd items in a drawer of poignant memories; one I pull out to return to the comfort and spiritual richness of the night, bringing me back to a peace with Etta and the Universe.

Life is filled with heartwarming moments of synchronicity, yet I often struggle to properly recognize those moments because of my expectations. Is this an example of a need to free myself from the constraints of left-hemispheric brain influence? By allowing the right-hemisphere to guide my experience could I find a spiritual path to achieve transcendence to the oneness we all seek?

The framework in which I process current experiences is limited by my interpretation of prior experiences. During my years in college friends would tell me to quit thinking so much after I had shared with them some rumination rattling around my mind. My mind would latch onto some apprehension (likely related to fears of not being accepted by others or of an innate inability to share clearly who I am 1 ), and by giving more and more energy to that apprehension it becomes a profound fear for my future. At the time my mental state lacked the tools to interpret life experiences appropriately, and in turn I would give too much meaning to a negative experience, allowing it to define me beyond its true significance. I now realize the mirrors, the loving gaze back to me, through the eyes of a guide like Etta are a doorway to an inner peace, rooted in the oneness with God.

We are subject to the veil of time from which we perceive our lives in a linear manner, yet we carry memories with us that shape our interpretation of the present, and often those prior experiences limit the interpretation of the now, missing the essence of the moment. 2 I share with my adult children that just because a bad experience occurred in your past does not mean that that experience should be given more significance than the experiences you are having now.

Robert Hunter wrote, “once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.” As encouraging as the lyric is I have experienced twinges of anxiety that I am that guy who does not look at the light in the right way, ultimately missing the insight, continuing on a road of oblivion, failing to grasp a message that may ease my sense of spiritual abandonment. Recognizing that the steady gaze of an adoring pet is a communion with spirit lets me know I am not abandoned.

I recall a television commercial in the days when chewing gums and soaps were primary consumer campaigns (unlike current ads offering self-improvement through an auto insurance policy or pharmacological solution) where the subject is so engrossed in his chewing gum, staring at the pack from which he’d selected his bliss, that he misses a breaching whale in all its God-given glory as it plunges into the water just in front of him. Had he not been absorbed in his secular zesty mint sensation, he would have experienced the soul stirring spiritual awe of a breaching whale. The commercial is a metaphor for our western culture, one that weighs the “reward” of a consumer choice above cultivating an awareness of the underlying spiritual domain in which we all exist.

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We are fortunate to have been born after early twentieth century mind expanding ideas such as quantum mechanics were integrated into the collective consciousness. We are immersed in a dynamic energy field of which the collective human consciousness grasps mere whisps of the full picture. 3 An effective parable to communicate the common unawareness of the intrinsic nature of life on Earth is like asking a fish “How’s the water?” and the fish replying, “What water?” 4

Intellectually I know I am a single point in a multifaceted woven fabric that is the space-time continuum. Spiritually though, living with an eternal sense of oneness is a different proposition. How do I remain in a state of continuous awareness, of sensing unyieldingly my membership and active participation in the fabric, where a routine occurrence is a powerful vignette informing the nature of my lived experience? As difficult as it has been to live by the mantra ‘lead with your heart,’ I have concluded living in this way is the only pathway by which I can sense connection to spirt, whether the moments are filled with joy or suffering (and I may embarrassingly weep in moments sharing heartfelt truths). Living otherwise, I would cling to a mental framework that results in a sense of spiritual abandonment. 5

Each step crunching in the snow, we returned home, me with cold fingers and a heart full of warmth, Etta panting, her thick black fur bathed in snow reflecting the glow of moonlight. Removing the many layers and my boots I marveled at how different my life was compared to a few months before. With Etta as my companion and spiritual guide what would have been a routine, cold neighborhood stroll was so much more, a night infused with the spirit of the Divine, mirrored back to me through the eyes of my furry friend.

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Finding the Courage

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This Substack is called GuidePosts

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