It was an unbearable sensation. The sourness in my gums, the dryness of my teeth, the disturbing tingling of the pills falling into the sink. My head squeezed in itself, like my brain could no longer take my skull for a home, and it started to pound. A shiver made its way from my lower back to my neck, moving slowly and sending goosebumps to all of my skin. The baby hairs on the back of my head erected with fear, like a cat’s. I felt a weight from behind, growing heavier and heavier. My eyes slowly met the mirror in front of me. My hair was tangled and my eyes bathed in fear and adrenaline. I couldn’t hear anything besides my blood pounding on my ears. Boom boom boom.

Something was lurking behind the door, looking at me even though it had no eyes. Somehow, I knew what it was, some part of me was already expecting it. The thing was but a shadow, as tall as the ceiling. Its face was stretched in a long triangular muzzle, and two pointy ears rested on top of its head. On its hand, a staff.

A wave of rage crashed into my chest and spread through my throat and face, giving me some colour once more.

“It´s all your fault…” I mumbled. My breathing was heavy and hard to manage, the sourness of the pills hard to ignore.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” My voice was getting angrier. The shadow didn’t budge, but I knew it was listening.

“IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!” I screamed so desperately my voice cracked. My head floated, my mouth full of melted sour pills.

The shadow just stared, unfazed with a staff in hand. I cried, desperate, with a red face full of tears, snot and drool. My breathing started to fail me on my throat and I held on to the cold marble to no avail. The world was getting further and further away, my reflexion in the mirror out of reach. Everything started blending into itself until I only say a blurry stain.

The shadow just waited and in the end, it took me to somewhere safer.

Would you be surprised if I said that this piece is inspired by a dream? This is the third fiction I write because of my weird dreams and honestly, I’ve been waiting for more! If I told you every dream I remember, I don’t think you would believe it and call me crazy. But this is my truth.

Anyway, I hope you’re spooked and tell me your conclusions down in the comments. What was the shadow and where did it take the character?

Leave a comment

Again, thank you for reading me.

Cheers,

mai

My Website

YouTube

Shop

I remember drawing from a very young age. I would draw horses, cheetahs, nature landscapes, my friends and family and cats. I was a typical child, soaking in everything around me and translating it to my own scribbled language. In primary school I created a character called Chica. I obviously didn’t know that meant girl in Spanish, for me Chica was just a fun name that rimmed with cheetah, my favourite animal at the time and the species of my beloved character. Chica was a cheetah girl that had a human best friend that acted as her caregiver. She would go to school and play with her friends, other cheetahs, tigers and other animals. Each character was based on one of my friends and, through Chica, I would share my personal experiences and create stories, drawings and eventually handmade books with scrap paper and tape. My friends eventually hopped on board, and we would embrace our characters during recess and play as them. It’s one my sweetest memories and whenever I think of this time, I always get amazed by how the childish mind is so creative.

Subscribe now

My aim with this post is to share with you my young creations. I decided I wanted to look and revisit these drawings with eyes that would not judge a child, as I was too harsh on myself back in the day. I figured the best way to do this would be a zine. I haven’t done a zine in so long and they are a really cool way of expressing yourself! If you prefer the full experience of flipping through a zine, click here. Enjoy!

That’s the end of the zine! Tell me what was your favourite drawing, I’d love to know. personally mine was the intense looking bird.

Leave a comment

If you’re still here, you deserve a little treat. I decided that making this zine wasn’t enough and I challenged myself into doing something more. I will recreate the last drawing on these pages, using my current illustration style. With this I aim to be able to illustrate without being a perfectionist and embracing the childlike process of simply not thinking theoretically, logically.

There it is. A cheetah looking back at a butterfly. I hope she has luck and a new beginning incoming for her.

As always thank you so much for reading and appreciating. I know this is not my usual type of post, but I wanted to make a tribute to my younger self. She deserves it. Until next time.

Cheers,

mai

My Website

YouTube

Shop

This post is too long for e-mail. Please read on the Substack app or website.

Introduction

Stardew valley is probably one of the most loved indie games of all time. And I dare say it was the videogame that truly bestowed upon me the very honourable label of gamer. Before that, I’d played The Last of Us and Life is Strange. However, I believe I experienced those games like they were an interactive movie, not really knowing what I was doing and somehow still getting to the end of the game successfully.

I got my first pc in 2020. It was my first gaming computer, I was excited. I started going into my Steam account more regularly and I started playing more games. Stardew Valley was one of them and after it came many, many more.

The Stardew to my Valley

When I purchased Stardew Valley on 27th of February 2021, my gaming habits changed and I truly learned what being addicted to a game was like. Stardew Valley hooked me like it did to so many of us. I loved this simulation game where my life was so different and my priorities were nothing compared to my real life responsibilities. I spent hours on end doing my silly little tasks, tending to my 5 crops and trying to seduce Harvey because I love nerds. Bonus points if they have moustaches! hmm.. moustaches… sorry. What was I talking about? Ah yes, escaping reality through videogames.

I rapidly became better at this game, tasks started to accumulate, the day didn’t have enough minutes, my character didn’t run fast enough, I had no time, ah my crops!!! I forgot to water them. Oh and I need to go fishing before it’s night-time otherwise I don’t catch the fish I need! I also need to go mining. Wait, where is my pickaxe? Fuck, I forgot to go pick it up at that weird ass guy Clint. You get the gist.

Despite it all, Stardew Valley is a fairly simple game. It has a plain and objective storyline, and that’s what is so charming about it. You are tired of corporate life, you inherit your grandfather’s farm, move to the countryside and tend to the farm while creating a relationship with the characters. Your days are designed to be kind of the same everyday, doing daily tasks like tending to your crops, petting and feeding the cattle, answering the quests from the notice board, and so on.

You wake up, complete your farming duties, go on your errands, go mining and complete side quests all before your character passes out of exhaustion or before 2 am. I think this is something that I really don’t like. Why shouldn’t I explore the town in the middle of the night? Anyway, I quite like the tasks you have to do in this game. There is a comfort in their mundanity and repetition and there is nothing complicated that you have to be thinking about, truly. The presence of other mechanics like mining and combat is very crucial in Stardew Valley, because they offer a balance in the gameplay due to its randomisation.

This game basically consists of the farmer becoming increasingly more included in the community, helping rehabilitate its centre while exploring the town and its secrets. Even though Stardew Valley is definitely not the first of its kind, it has cleared the path for many other games that came after, introducing more interesting and interactive mechanics.

Yet, over the time, these tasks create pressure that I personally deem unnecessary. For example, when you have kids, they are included in the interaction list, but interacting with them doesn’t give you anything in return. They don’t grow and you don’t create a connection with them. On the contrary, if you don’t pet your chickens, they eventually stop giving you eggs. But I personally think that this starts feeling unsustainable after a while. As you make progress in the game, you update your farm and your gear. You eventually find ways to do everything you have to do more efficiently and literally upgrading your farm almost up to an industrial level type of production.

Ironically, the game becomes even more tedious, because everything that made you play is now probably automatised and you only need to collect your items and put them to sale. It’s extra tedious if you already have all the hearts with all the characters and completed all the levels in both mines. I feel like at this point, while there is nothing else you do, there is also no true ending, there is no closure. And so, you become stuck in this weird limbo that once was a paradise to someone stuck in a corporate repetitive life. Ironic.

I have a lot of hours in this fucking game. 217.8, to be exact. It started being a chore rather than an entertainment escapade and I became fatigued. I couldn’t play anymore, I couldn’t look at it. Even when the big 1.6 update came out I didn’t want to play it anymore. I didn’t have fun.. And I just accepted it.

Why does everyone love Stardew Valley?

I believe it’s because of connection and escapism. The characters of Stardew Valley are very simple and just a few, but all of them are very likeable in some way or another (except for Clint). They have stories crafted with simplicity that make you wonder about them and their relationships with each other. Even though it’s a cosy game, it deals with a lot of real life difficult and traumatising experiences that might resonate and give comfort to the players.

If you want to see deep dives into each character, I recommend Fiona Sangster videos.

I also believe that the fact that this game takes place in a small town full of secrets is a major reason for people to feel so connected. It’s cosy, it’s simple and it transmits exactly what the game suggests in the beginning of the adventure. Escape stupid capitalism. Embrace simple life. That’s it, that’s the plot and it’s beautiful. The escapism and sudden change of life really does it and it’s something most people yarn for and dream about. A simple life in a remote town with just a few people, away from the scary grey world that is corporate and big cities.

It creates a familiarity, Pelican Town is comfortable and you start to feel like you belong there as well. This game is so popular because it absolutely nails at doing what I believe it’s one of the most important things in a videogame. It is so immersive, it makes you almost believe it’s real. Pelican Town has a simple living philosophy while letting you escape through the world of fantasy. And, on top of that, you’re not playing god, you are just another person in the town that happened to arrive later. You don’t have a special role in the town and you’re not the chosen one. Everything you get to do to help the town has a a reward for you but you were initially encouraged to help because you have sympathy for the people in the town. It creates a special connection and that is why so many people love it and find a home in it, I believe.

The world of Stardew Valley is small, and the more you play, the better you know it like it’s your home. You know every tree and what they bear, you know every price in Pierre’s shop (but you still forget that it’s closed on Wednesdays until you get there), you know every path and every foraging spot. All of this while listening to a banger of a soundtrack. The Stardew Valley soundtrack is simply iconic and there’s nothing anybody can do or say about it. The summer Nature’s Crescendo makes me want to dance like this guy.

Stardew Valley becomes basically your second home, where you get to spend some hours of your day, immersed in a reality you wished it was yours. And that’s why it’s so dear to many of us.

But actually, this post is not about Stardew Valley

It’s about Kynseed, a videogame developed and published by PixelCount Studios, having its official release on December 6 2022. In this post I will try to convince you why I believe Kynseed is so good and underrated, and why I prefer it over Stardew Valley. Obviously this is completely subjective and different people have different favourite games for various reasons. And that’s obviously a good thing. If everyone liked the same thing, the world would be unbearable. So, to start, I created a simple comparison table to let everyone be on the same boat here.

So, as you can see, I bought these two games on the same year as little as two weeks apart. I don’t know what led me to buy Kynseed, but I remember it was still on early access at the time. Even if I have double the amount of hours spent on Stardew Valley, I feel like I’ve been enjoying Kynseed much more. And maybe you could argue that I’m enjoying precisely because I haven’t had that much time to get bored of it, but I will argue back. Just keep reading.

Subscribe now

Just a disclaimer, I’m not writing this to convince you that Kynseed is better than Stardew Valley. Both games are very entertaining and good. What I’m saying is, Kynseed deserves a chance, and if you already like Stardew, you’re likely to enjoy Kynseed as well. So let’s dive in and let’s discover what Kynseed is all about.

A Contract

Kynseed is a sandbox RPG in which you have to tend to your inherited farm, gain reputation by doing quests, owning shops, fish, mine and slay monsters. The game also includes crafting and cooking mini games and, most importantly, an intriguing story.

You and your twin sibling go live in Willowdown Farm with your uncle and help him with his endeavours while exploring the vale, doing favours and even attending a sacrifice festival! Your character has strange encounters and dreams that eventually lead them to make a contract with a Fae, Mr. Fairweather. This creature slightly resembles Baphomet, a humanoid figure with a goat face and horns. Instead of goat face and horns, Mr. Fairweather has a hare face and a pair of tall ears. He also carries a wooden staff with moon and stars pendants, which remind me of a druid staff. Mr. Fairweather has unclear intentions and it is a Fel Fae, known as tricksters and shapeshifters.

This Fae tricks you (shocker) into accepting a contract that exchanges a seed for some years of your life, the kynseed. The point of this kynseed is to make it grow and pass in on to the next bearer, with the promise that your soul will remain alive through future generations. In return for the seed you agree that on the day of your 50th birthday, you willingly give your body to Mr. Fairweather, and every heir who inherits the kynseed must do the same. You are also promised to see and talk to all things Fae, something that the average person is not capable of.

You can also exchange years of you life for items that help you in your journey and you loose years of your life if you die in combat, shortening your time to pass on the kynseed. I don’t know about you, but this to me sounds a lot like selling your soul to the devil. Exciting stuff.

I personally think this game completely erases the mundane aspect of it with this story and most of its mechanics. Even though it’s a simulation game like Stardew Valley, in which you wake up, complete tasks and go to sleep repeatedly, it never gets boring.

A great example of this are the Goddesses. There are six Goddesses in total and various statues across the map in which you can make offerings. These offerings will give you a blessing for the whole week, but all blessings come with a curse and you will have to choose. This makes your weeks always a bit different and the gameplay more dynamic. Another aspect that feeds this narrative is that you can sleep whenever you want in any campfire scattered around the map, once you become an adult (completing the prologue). This creates a sense of freedom and it gives a new dimension to the game which is the night-time.

The Land of Quill

Kynseed is kinda huge compared to Stardew Valley. The Land of Quill has four main areas, each with at least one village with a store, a smithy, an apothecary and a tavern. On top of that, it has three combat areas, the Simplewood, Middlewood and Toughwood; Four additional Fae realms, mines that act as secret passageways and many, many NPCs and strange creatures. In other words, a lot to explore.

The landscape, flora and fauna are very similar to what you might encounter in northern Europe. You can see deer, hedgehogs, hares and rabbits and magpies. It also rains a lot, it snows and sometimes it becomes very foggy in the morning, indicating colder air. During winter most trees (if any) don’t lose their leaves and that means they are probably oaks or pines (evergreen trees), something you find a lot in northern regions.

Stone circles and stone markings are in every location of the map, being a very common sighting on the environment. These immediately remind me of druid stone circles and markings. The Celtic imagery and slight folklore references, alongside with the other elements such as the fauna and flora, suggest that this game takes place in a location very similar to UK or Ireland, which makes sense since PixelCount Studios are based in England. I may be biased, because I’m interested in folklore and Celtic peoples, but this is one of my favourite aspects of the game. The landscape is also very familiar, which makes me feel at home. This makes the game feel more grounded, even if it’s fiction and fantasy, being based on true aspects of our history makes it feel real.

Leave a comment

Another thing that makes Kynseed feel real is the passage of time. As you make the contract with Mr Fairweather, you feel the weight of time when you come back. The characters get old and die, your cattle and pets also age. New marriages happen, new babies are born. This is something I personally never saw in any videogame of this nature. It feels so refreshing and it gives a new weight to the interactions you have with the Quillians. Unlike Stardew Valley, the villagers in Kynseed are not neutral to you. There is a system of six hearts, from -3 (this villager hates you) to 3 (they love you!). There are villagers that hate you from the beginning of the game, simply because of their character and that means you need more time and effort to build a relationship with them, feeling more rewarding when you finally get them to like you.

Their names are also very amusing. There is a villager called Paige Turner, she has always a book in hand. There is a couple that run an apothecary, they’re called Herbie Weed and Ivy Weed, they look stoned. There are two rival families, the Kettles and the Teapotts. Among many many others. If you pay enough attention, you will see witty puns everywhere, from the villagers names to the small proverbs you find scattered around. The brilliant sense of humour of this game, even in the music is something that makes it so charming.

Mechanics

Animals and Farming

You are given some soil to plant crops, a cow and a pig named Truffles. There are pig, chicken and sheep auctions where you can get more animals and you can buy seeds at markets and from a travelling trader.

Unlike Stardew Valley, the animals and farming are not the main aspect of the game and so, you feel no pressure or consequence when you don’t tend to them daily. However, when give an offering to the Goddesses, you get to choose a blessing and a curse and sometimes, these curses make your harvest falter and your foraging and cattle non productive.

Animals in Kynseed are very good and useful companions. You can ride your pig or sheep, you can get your dog to follow you and find treasures for you to dig and you can bring any animal to combat, as they will be useful against certain enemies.

Your animals have likes and dislikes when it comes to food, just like the villagers, which is fun and gives them a bit more character! If you pet any chickens they will give you an egg! Just don’t give a gassy apple to your pig.

Combat

Kynseed uses turn based strategic combat that takes place in the woods. You battle against four enemies and you can move between three vertical spots. There are another set of three vertical spots separating you from the enemies in which both you and them can use to throw gas bombs, slime, acid, anything that might damage your opponent if they cross them. The monsters you fight against have different weaknesses and so, you can choose a weapon that will deal more damage or a shield that better blocks their attacks.

The combat in kynseed is very fun, the monsters are interesting and even though it’s turn based, it’s very chaotic and thrilling.

Skills progression and weapons

In kynseed you need to deliver items to the Masters that will give you perks and skills in return. These characters are specialised in a certain skill and will share their wisdom with you if you prove them your worth. There are six Masters and six skills to learn:

Fishing - taught by Twig

Cooking - taught by Mother Hubbard

Melee combat - taught by Jogon

Ranged combat - taught by Moon

Exploration - taught by your Sibling

Gardening - taught by Marshtyt

As for tools, in Stardew, you need better ore in order to go to Clint’s (unfortunately) and upgrade them. The better the tools you have, more perks you get from them. The same goes for Kynseed, except that you don’t upgrade your tool. You make them, and the more you use it, the better it gets and the more perks it gives you. However! You you want different ore tools, you have to make them and they will occupy space on your inventory, which annoys me quite a bit. But, fortunately, you can gift them to the villagers or sell them.

Mini games

In kynseed, crafting and cooking are basically mini games that make the gameplay much more dynamic. You find these mini games in three different stores. In the apothecary you can craft potions and dyes, in the Blacksmith you can craft tools and weapons and in the Goods story you can cook various different dishes. All these mini games have different mechanics depending on what you are crafting, which makes it even more compelling.

I personally really like his detail because it turns a mundane gameplay into a lively one. Amidst the many tasks and quests, these mini-games offer a small window of time in which you can stop for a moment and relax (or not, if you have bad timing skills). Everything you craft during these mini games have star ratings based on how you performed, encouraging you to find good quality materials and focus on the mini game.

I also find these a way to feel like the gameplay is more rewarding. Making your own tools and weapons is a very cool strategy of getting something in return from the game. These are definitely a vital part of kynseed and without a doubt, one of my favourite. I can spend hours making jams and cooking pies.

Magic everywhere

In Stardew Valley you have strange creatures like junimos that help you with your crops, the wizard that.. is a wizard and fucked someone’s mum apparently, Krobus and Dwarf. Everything seems normal, you seem to be living in a normal town with normal people, but slowly you start to see signs of magic and everything starts to be more exciting and intriguing.

In kynseed the world is purely magical. From making a deal with a Fae to visiting different magical realms where you get to meet other Fae like Gnomes, Fairies, Dryads and Mossmen.

The four Fae Realms are a big part of this game and its story, not to mention that they are based off of an age in history and peoples that believed in magic and engaged in pagan activities and beliefs that are similar to our modern idea of what magic is.

Since you make the contract with Mr. Fairweather, you are able to witness and interact with all this magic that happens in front of your eyes in the most hidden details. Every morning, little fairies dim all the lamps and fireplaces on and light them every evening as well, just to give an example. The whole storyline and Quill revolve around magic and it is the baseline of the entire game. Stardew Valley has magic. Kynseed is the magic.

Original soundtrack

Kynseed soundtrack is much more folklore-ish and doesn’t depend on the seasons, like Stardew.. Each area of the map has a different tune, all of them reminiscing of English, Irish and Scottish traditional music, making use of instruments such as the Irish flute, the dulcimer, the bagpipe, the Bodhran drum and the fiddle.

Listening to these songs, their compositions and instruments, I think it’s safe to say that they are undeniably inspired by folk music. The soundtrack is very fitting to every area, it’s charming and incredibly beautiful. It’s also the glue of this entire game, reinforcing the imaginarium and all the magic and mystic elements of it.

I made a small Youtube playlist with all my favourites, if you want to give it a listen and see for yourself.

Listen here

So, which one is better?

None! it’s unfair to compare them. Stardew Valley was entirely made by one person, and for what the game has become, that is incredibly impressive and admirable. The developers of Kynseed came from Lionhead Studios, the studio that developed the Fable series, so they are more seasoned. Both are incredible games that are deserving of so many people liking them.

The reason I prefer Kynseed is because it’s not so tiresome with many daily tasks that become repetitive and eventually defeat the purpose of an escapism promise. With Kynseed I actually feel connected to the nature in the game, maybe due to some of its pagan roots. Let’s say that Kynseed is a Stardew Valley with a dark twist and that always keeps you on your toes.

I also created a special bond with this game because I played it completely blindfolded, without the possibility of any aid from the internet. There was nothing on the wiki, Steam community and no youtubers or streamers playing it yet. So, everything I learned was the hard way and at my natural pace. Nowadays, the wiki is more complete, the game is popular enough, but I insist on playing it blindly still and feel the consequences of my choices without previous search.

Since it also makes reference of so many topics I’m interested in, it also makes me feel much closer to it, I feel like it has a depth in detail that charms me a lot. I bought this game without knowing how much I would love it, and I’m glad I did.

Stardew Valley is currently 13,99€ and can be played in any platform.

Kynseed is currently 24,99€ and can be played via Steam.

You can also read more gaming content by me.

Thank you so much for reading this review/recommendation post! I love talking about my favourite games and I hope you also like when I do it. Let me know what you think about Stardew Valley and what is your personal experience with it, I would love to know! And Kynseed as well, if you have played it yet. As always, thank you for your support.

Cheers,

mai

Instagram

Shop

YouTube

My Website

Subscribe now

Help, I’m stuck. I’m lying in my made bed looking at my 16 year old cat peacefully sleeping, making sure her belly slowly goes up and down. Everything is ready for me to start my day. I took my morning pills, I made my bed, I washed my face. And I’m still here lying down, unable to get up and find the strength to carry on. As if I’m waiting for something. And while I’m waiting I always try to distract myself doing stuff, side projects, unpaid jobs, my personal projects. However, no matter how distracted I am, how hard I work, there is always a nagging sensation in the back of my head telling me I’m still waiting. But waiting for what?

I’m the most impatient person I’ve met, I’m not joking. Despite that, my brain made me believe I have to wait. Regardless of the situation I’m in, I believe I have to wait, because it’s not my time yet. When I was a kid, I’d be called ugly and I would think to myself I have to wait until I finally turn beautiful, and then my life will begin. During those times in middle school, I thought to myself I’ll wait until I finally switch schools, I’ll have an opportunity to be a different person and then my life will begin. And then the same happened, And then it happened again, and again and again. And I became stuck in my own impatience and desperation of believing I should be someone else to be valued.

Right now I’m doing a lot of stuff. I finally started sharing art and that led me to create even more. I’m finally giving time and love to the projects I always wanted to do, but I’m still waiting for my life to begin. I’m stuck in my parents’ house still and I have no job, no independence. And I’m so ashamed to say that but I know I’m not the only one. The average age for Portuguese young adults to leave their parents is like 30. It’s shameful, it’s humiliating. Unfortunately that one is not my fault, if it was it would have been fixed years ago.

Apart from that, I still look in the mirror in search of things to fix my life, to prepare everything in order to start, to reach a level I consider good enough. Like I’m extensively personalising my character before hitting New Game. I’ve been in the fucking character creation page for 23 years now. My hair is not quite perfect. My wardrobe is not exactly where I want it to be. My drawing skills are not exactly on point. My independence is non existing and I don’t have my own space. I should be elsewhere, surely things would be better. So many things to customise and I still haven’t started yet.

When I finish my character, my life will finally begin, my clock will finally start ticking. That’s what I’ve been thinking, at least. Not realising that my life is happening right now, and if I’m always impatiently waiting for what comes next, might as well wait to die.

Image cover is an artwork by Yulja Blucher. See the original here.

I know this was a different and rather negative post, I’m sorry. This is just a ramble, I know it’s my fault for not letting myself just live. I just wrote this because I felt like I had to share it somewhere. See you in a most positive post next time, hopefully.

Cheers,

mai

You can buy my recently made stickers in my shop! I’d be very happy for your support.

My Website

Shop

Dear reader,

Today I’m writing this letter from a train. Which is quite funny because it’s like this phase of my life is a train itself. During April, everything around me changed and started moving, and I stayed in my place, patiently waiting for it to end, and arrive at the next stop. I don’t really know where the train is headed or when it will arrive, but I have no other choice but to wait and see.

Since the last month, life changed drastically, but I stayed put. I had a routine with my partner, until he got a job opportunity in Lisbon and took it. It was a bit hard at first, but I couldn’t tell you how happy I am that this happened. With so much happening, I’ve been a little bit distant from everything and everyone and that includes the Substack community. I feel like I had no time or mental energy to post and that led my engagement to drop a lot. It made me really sad, but I know it will eventually return to normal.

As I’m home, I’ve been looking after my cat and keeping her company. I’ve been illustrating my OC (original character) Isobel and I’ve been doing some pixel art for another project. So, even though I feel alone most of the time, I’ve been busy and doing things I like.

This change also made me think about my unemployment and about what I want to do in life. The reality is that I can’t see myself in any job other than being a freelance artist. I want to draw, illustrate my stories, my characters and my experiences and share them. I don’t know if this is stupid or naïve, but I don’t think it would work for me if I had to be apart of a company. I never quite felt like I fitted anywhere and apparently, that includes the workplace as well. I don’t feel like I fit in any workplace I can imagine, and the ones I’ve been apart of until now, happened to end horribly.

That being said, I remembered I actually have free will, time in my hands and a perfect opportunity laid in front of me. I decided I’m just gonna try and shoot my shot. This month, I’ve been working on some stickers for my shop. I already had a ko-fi shop, but I hadn’t advertised it much. This time, I thought about doing something a bit more ambitious. I want to sell my art and this amazing community made me realise that my art is actually worth sharing, which I’m very thankful for. I made a total of six different stickers and printed a limited amount of them, just to test the waters this first time. My main goal with this is obviously be a paying artist and afford to upgrade my drawing tools in order to continue on perusing art and deliver it to you. My stickers will be live Friday, May 8th at 6pm GMT+1 (London time zone), this is very exciting for me and I hope it is for you too! Follow me on Ko-fi to receive a notification when I post my products.

My Ko-Fi Shop

Now, let’s talk about cool things that happened! I was interviewed by at Mustard’s Museum of Pixel Art! It was an honour and I had so much fun answering their questions. I highly recommend checking out the other interviews as well!

Also, this month I published

𖦹 The second part of a short story

꩜ A post about book covers

𖦹 An old piece

꩜ An illustration process video

This month I also revisited stop motion with this new video clip by Joost. I absolutely love it and I already loved the song before. This clip is so impressive to me and I’m happy to see stop motion animation still happening and being present in the artistic field. I think it’s safe to say that stop motion is my favourite type of animation, especially claymation but it is very time consuming to produce it.

To finish this letter, I would like to ask you a question. I intend to make more stickers, postcards, digital wallpapers and much more ambitious projects like calendars, notepads and notebooks in the future, if this goes well. Let me know what type of products would you love to see from me :) and if you have a different idea that you might find fitting, please comment!

As always thank you so much for reading my newsletter and to keep up with me and my art.

Cheers,

mai

My Website

Shop

For me, the cover is just as important as the book’s contents. It can either tell you exactly what the book is about or completely deceive you into reading one of the most boring books you’ve ever read. Or, it can be so hideous that you miss the opportunity to read an excellent story.

Having said that, I would like to show you some books from my book collection by only showing you their covers. It’s rather a small collection, as I don’t buy books often. When I do, it’s a very special moment, in which I choose the one. Some of them I spent years trying to get them in some way or another. So they might be a few, but all of them have a curious story on how they came into my hands. As a bonus, at the end I will show you the worst book cover that sits in my shelves. The books will appear in pairs that I consider fitting. Without further ado, here’s my collection!

These two books have an historic motif. I like the illustrations in both of them and I also like that they have frames, something I like to do sometimes on my illustrations as well. Angela Carter’s Book of Fairy Tales has a frame of illustrations, which is interesting. Since it’s a book of fairy tales, it only makes sense that it’s framed by fantastical illustrations, by fantasy. The Book of English Magic has a classic frame, which is very fitting since it’s a book of a most informative nature. The medieval drawings are classic and charming, and I love the two colour only scheme.

Dragons? Fantasy. However, these books are very different. A Game of Thrones is a hard fantasy, it tells a story of betrayal, power and political schemes. the cover is simple, its dark and it has the texture of the hard skin of a dragon.

The Hobbit, on the other hand, is an adventure story for children. The illustration is so beautiful and it reminds me of 80’s fantasy films. It’s warm, inviting and screams adventure to me.

I love the look of these penguin classic editions. They are simple, effective and very beautiful on your shelves. I personally love the illustration on Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

As for Frankenstein, I think the chosen painting is very fitting. I can feel the pain of betrayal, the rage in those eyes.

Another set of classics. Modern classics, at least for me. I have nothing to say other than say that the covers are very beautiful and fitting to each story. I also loved reading them!

These two books do not belong together and I know it, I had nowhere else to put them, ok? Let’s ignore that.

I was never a fan of Twilight as a teen or pre teen. I never saw the movies or read the books. But in 2024 I saw the movies for the first time. And I have to say, the first one is really iconic, has really good soundtrack, colour scheme and the cringe is part of the charm. After some months, I went to Finland and stumbled upon an underground second hand store and I found this gem of a book for 2€. It was all torn apart and it smelled really old, I had to take it. I read it back in Portugal and I liked it. Even though it is definitely problematic, it was enjoyable and I’m just glad I didn’t read it when I was a teen. As for the cover, I love that is very worn off, I like the fact that it has a picture of the movie, it reminds me of the 2000s and I personally think it’s very well framed into the cover. It occupies the whole space without it being loud of crowded. The only issue for me is the title, I think it would be better to stay directly underneath Bella and the rest of the typography smaller.

The Skull is a beautiful story written and illustrated by one of my favourite child illustrators, Jon Klassen. This book was my primary visual inspiration for my animation short SCEADU and from time to time I open the book and appreciate its beauty. I don’t think I have to say anything about the cover. It’s perfect. I love the textured illustration, the colours, the character’s intense stare. I’m glad I have this book.

These two books cover the very sensitive topic of suicide. Their covers have bright, inviting colours and I find that curious. They are naturally sad books and, even it’s not very obvious, I think their covers sell exactly that idea. In The Virgin Suicides, the flowers represent the Lisbon sisters, the main characters, and they are loosing their petals, indicating their slow, inevitable end. The colours are bright, bold and beautiful, they remind me of adolescence.

As for The perfect World of Miwako Sumida, the cover is soothing, the title is holographic and the photo is perfectly paired with the monochromatic tone, I love these types of designs. The font reminds me of something playful, soft and innocent, a teen probably. The girl in the red circle reminds me obviously of Japan’s flag but also the girl being the center of the story and being trapped in her own little perfect world.

Finally, my favourite book and book cover. I love BROM, he illustrates and writes his own books and that is a big inspiration for me. I love this drawing of the main character, I think it’s very intimidating, powerful and soothing at the same time. I also love the title font, it’s imperfect, it fits with the period of time the story takes place. I can’t stop looking at it..

Now that I talked the ones I love, let’s get into the ones I don’t like.

When I ordered In the Miso Soup, the website indicated I getting another edition. However, when it arrived home, this was the thing that came into my hands and I was very disappointed. I really don’t like this cover. It has nothing to do with the story and the setting. And I don’t like the photos mixed with these vectorial drawings, I don’t think they belong together. Nevertheless, I read it and I liked it, I just wish it had a different cover…

As for Antkind, it’s a different story, I love the cover! I was going to buy this book at a bookstore some years ago but I had no money at the moment, so I let it go. After that, this edition was discontinued and no store, online or not, had it. I became obsessed with this book, I liked the plot, I loved the cover and I really wanted it in my collection. I spent years after this book and one day I finally found it in a second hand online bookstore. I finally had it! When I started reading it, I couldn’t bear it.. It was weird (not in a good way) and annoying. Sorry Charlie.. I might try again one day.

And now, I would like you to see my take on In The Miso Soup. I decided I wanted to try and create a cover I see fit, and here is the result.

This is a concept I made based on what I think could be the cover. The fact that the soup is spilling, reinforces the idea of claustrophobia and the overflowing state of modern Japanese culture. As the main character said, he feels like a piece of tofu or seaweed floating in a giant bowl of miso soup. Also, the red and the dripping soup represent bloodshed. I made this concept while being aware that there are other covers out there, of course. I just liked the idea of a little challenge (ingeniously suggested by !). What’s your favourite cover that sits on your shelves? Hope to see you in my next post.

Cheers,

mai

My Website

Shop

Once upon a time in 2018 I had two connected dreams separated by months. Ever since, I tried to represent them in some form.. I tried comics and even abstract animation, but I could never show exactly what I wanted.

So, finally I decided to share these dreams in short story format and what a better idea than to share it here! In this post, you will read my second dream. Enjoy!

Read the 1st part of the story

The tires rippled through the wet tar from the road. My grandpa was driving me somewhere I didn’t know and I couldn’t possibly guess, since the darkness was creating the illusion we weren’t even moving. Eventually he stopped the car and I snapped out of my daydreaming state. Without a word, grandpa got out and made his way into a small house at the right side of the road.

I quickly got out of the car and followed grandpa towards the house. It was a tiny white house, without a front yard. The entrance door was directly in the road, it was made of old and dry wood. In each side of it, there was a dirty fogged window. The house seemed really old and just like every other house I’ve seen before. Right now, it was the only house I could see at all and I guess that was the case for the great amount of people at the entrance.

The crowd at the entrance was my entire family, I realised, gathered at the door for some unknown reason. I guess it was a party that I didn’t know was going to happen. I fought my way through them and somehow, nobody noticed my presence.

Already inside the house, I closed the weak wooden door behind me. The darkness took over me and, as my eyes were getting adjusted to it, the insides of the house started mutating into a different one, a smoothly gross transition. Nevertheless, I could still faintly hear my family speaking on the wall behind me, their voices muffled and incomprehensible. In front of me, the entrance was huge. The big white tiles on the floor glimmered with a faint light and gave the scenery a brighter look, contrasting with a blue carpet. A warm light stretched from the right wall of the corridor in front of me. I followed it and it let me to a room with people speaking in a low respectful voice, accompanied by a soft piano melody.

I felt an invisible force pulling me towards that light and my feet started moving. When I was finally able to see its source, I was met by a huge ball room. The ground was shiny and created a hazy reflection of the people populating the room. The faint piano came from thin air, there was no musician or piano to be found. The people were scattered across the room, drinking champagne and nibbling at some snacks. They spoke in a low voice, with respect and elegance. A table packed with delicious looking food sat on a corner of the room and I decided to try some of it to pass the time, they looked so tempting. Everyone seemed to be waiting for something and, after a time, the mood shifted. A man with a brown smoking jacket, a curled up moustache and a pointy chin cleared his throat to speak and everyone went silent.

“Ladies and Gentleman, the hour has finally arrived. I invite you to proceed, join your groups and prepare yourselves as the game is about to begin. Thank you.”

After that, he raised his glass and smiled. Everyone followed, sipped and gave him a respectful applause. I did the same. Even though I didn’t know what game was about to happen, I felt obliged to participate. The groups were rapidly forming and I randomly joined one near me. In this group there were a middle aged man, a woman old enough to be my mum, two young lads my age and me. Nobody spoke to each other and nobody seemed to notice my presence. Regardless, I followed them until we got to the queue.

As we waited for our turn near the corridor, I could see what the game was all about. The groups weren’t competing against each other, they were individually competing against time. The playing group was positioned in the entrance hall facing the dark corridor with a white ornamented door at its end. As soon as the man in the brown suit gave a signal, the group would start to run towards the corridor and the door would close behind them. After the bang of the closing door, nothing could be heard and we would wait some time while the man looked at his pocket watch until he called the next group. The queue was getting smaller and our turn was getting closer.

We were next in line and the man made a gesture for us to take our positions. We silently went to our place and everyone got in position to start running. Without knowing why, my heart started beating against my temples urgently, something didn’t seem right. I interrupted the silence and asked,

“I’m so sorry to interrupt but,.. can someone explain the rules again? I’ve just arrived and I don’t really know what’s happ-”

The man in the suit didn’t even look at me. He ignored my words and, in the middle of my sentence, he raised his left arm in suspense and dropped it dramatically, announcing the beginning of our turn. My group started running. Confused and frustrated, I opened my mouth to speak again, but someone behind me pushed me forward and I started running to catch my group.

The darkness of the corridor swallowed me and the door closed behind me. My eyes started to get used to the dark and I realised I was in a very large corridor with fancy furniture, high ceiling and blue velvety carpet. It seemed to have no end, even though it had many doors. Everyone seemed very tense. Occasionally, when we would find a door we would try to open it but it would never budge, they almost seemed fake. I looked back and realised it was just impossible to come back. It was pitch black and, on top of that, we had come a long way already. We were stuck at going solely forwards and that gave me a suffocating claustrophobic feeling.

Finally, the lady found a white door that opened and we all looked at each other in relief. We came through the door one at a time, while she held it. While I got through, I noticed this was a bedroom. In the dark I could see the silhouettes of a canopy bed, a large commode, some chairs and a chest at the end of the bed. I looked back at the door and the lady was letting go of it to get to us but something emerged from the ground and grabbed her legs and feet. She screamed, but got quickly silenced because whatever it was, it was consuming her whole body. The door closed quickly and with a loud bang, as if it was closed by a storm. The last thing I saw was her stretched arm, helpless and evolved in a black substance that swallowed her to the ground. The air got thicker and hotter. The dust from the broken marble crippled through the gap between the floor and the door, forming beautiful dancing white clouds. Everyone screamed and ran. Everything after that turned into a blur. My head was dizzy and everything seemed too fast and too slow at the same time. My breathing was heavy and my heart was pounding so hard I almost thought it was going to burst out of my chest.

The room stretched through a passage and we ran to get as far as we could from that infernal white door. A sound was constantly chasing us. It was wet and slimy, like a thousand spiders running in the same web. We got pass through a lot of furniture with intricate designs, photographs in various frames and hard cover books scattered across the twists and turns of this infinite damned room. The older man was getting tired, but fortunately the room ended in a small corridor with another white door at its end. This time, I was the one opening the door and tried to make sure everyone went through at the same time.

The man stumbled on his feet and fell. The thing appeared once again and, in a horrible and disgusting second, swallowed him, pulling him into the marble floor. There were some small crack sounds and I didn’t know if it were bones or stone breaking. With this scenario, I couldn’t handle myself anymore and threw up right at my feet. My head felt light and my lips were numb. I couldn’t move and stop looking at the traumatising scene in front of me. One of the guys grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to the next room. The door closed and there was nothing left to do other than continue. By now I wasn’t running so fast, I didn’t have much strength left in my body and I didn’t even pay attention to where I was or where I was going. I didn’t even know what was to happen when all of this nightmare ended. Would it really end?

My body stayed completely numb and ran very slow. The world was spinning and my ears were buzzing. The two guys were very ahead of me and I almost couldn’t see them in the dark. Cold sweat was dripping in my forehead and tickled my eyes, but I couldn’t care anymore. I was so tired that eventually I was just walking at a normal pace.

Another door emerged. One of my teammates opened it, looked back at me and hesitated, but his friend urged him to continue so he gave me a pitiful look and said a muted sorry with his lips. They disappeared in the dark, I was alone now and my turn had arrived. The white door closed in front of me.

Something wrapped my left leg, it was cold and unpleasant. It felt like it had sharp teeth or thorns that were piercing my skin. I tried to fight, but the more I moved the more it hurt. The substance started to make its way up my leg. It was an amalgam of legs, arms and hair, like a human spider. I stumbled and fell. Even if in vain, I tried to run, dragging myself through the floor. But the thing was stronger and I felt something dislocating in my hip and I let out a desperate scream of pain. The thing wrapped my other leg and my waist and I heard an alarming crack. The pain came almost instantly. My femur had broken and I was almost blind with pain, I wasn’t able to scream. This thing was literally breaking me to pieces. I saw the world slowly disappearing as I was being involved with this horrible thing.

A darkness and an emptiness hugged my body. I couldn’t feel anything, I didn’t feel pain nor was I sweating or breathing heavily. There was purely nothing. I was falling infinitely in the void, alone. And I never stopped falling.

Dear reader,

The skies are clearer than ever, I can see the mountains’ silhouette carved in the horizon. Nature is truly a beautiful thing, if I listen to it closely and let myself be guided by it, I feel the seasons blooming and dying inside my ribcage and changing my moods. Spring is known to be the season of bloom, new life and a new cycle. For me, I definitely feel that. The new projects and ideas are like white daisies scattered in the grassland that is my brain. They’re so many around me, some bigger, some smaller. I don’t know which ones to pick, which ones to water. I’m stuck with analysis paralysis, looking at each one of them and trying to tend them all at the same time, afraid that if I look away they’ll die.

I’ve been busy looking at my daisies, so you haven’t seen much of me this month. I feel a bit guilty about that and I’m always afraid the algorithm gods will punish me and throw me into the dark abyss that is called the flop. However, I’ve been quite productive. I’ve been working backstage on some projects that I can’t really share because I sworn secrecy until their release and projects that are simply unfinished, so I haven’t share them yet.

Overall, I’ve been struggling with organisation really. I have too many things going on and I can’t focus on one thing at a time. Because I’m doing so many projects at a time, all of them seem kind of staggered and have been developing very slowly, which is very unfortunate.

I’ve been working on editing a fiction piece, pixel art for a bigger project and an animation. There are other things I’ve been doing that occupy my time, like learning how to drive. So it’s hard to conciliate all of these things in a neat puzzle.

However, this month I published

𖦹 A game review

It’s about my favourite game and I only pulled it off because I worked on it incessantly for two whole days. It was very draining and tiring, but in the end I did it and I’m very proud of it.

So yeah, even though I haven’t been very present, I’ve been working a lot and honestly getting a little lost in the sauce. I’ll do my best to not get overwhelmed and take one thing at a time. Not being present also means that I haven’t read many posts from you guys lately and I’m so sorry.

Now, I’m going to give you good news! As some of you may know, I have a ko-fi shop and I’ve been thinking about selling some stuff. I decided to make some stickers and some digital products as well! They will be all in the same theme and limited as well. I hope you guys like it and are able to support me!

Other good news is my story on Isobel. I’ve been writing a bit everyday and it’s coming along pretty well. I have so much work ahead of me, but it’ll be worth it. I really like how it’s coming along and how accidentally I’m writing everything. It’s like the story writes itself while I’m just holding the pen, as if I was always meant to write this.

My animation is coming along pretty well as well, it’s something so different from everything I’ve done before and I really like it. I think it’s a creative idea and will be a fun little watch. Here is a teaser!

I hope in the next month I’ll be more active and deliver pieces of art to your feeds! I want to continue on drawing, animating and writing and share it all with you, it’s one of my favourite things.

Thank you so much for sticking with me, even though I’ve been missing a bit. It really gives me joy to create and engage with art but what makes me even happier is to share it. And all of you made that possible, thank you so much.

Hope to see you next month.

Cheers,

mai

YouTube Channel

Website

Shop

This post is too long for e-mail. Please read on the Substack app or website.

｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

This is the story of how Alice:Madness Returns won the title of Best Game of All Time at mai’s Game Awards that happen inside her head. Take a deep breath and hold it until we get to Wonderland, so that the 1800’s London industrial smoke doesn’t kill you.

During Halloween 2024, one of my friends dressed in a blue dress, a white apron with alchemist symbols on the pockets and carried a knife. She told me in all confidence that I would definitely know that she was Alice Liddell “from the game”. I didn’t know what she was talking about and she was surprised (now I understand why, everything about the game is my jam).

Because of that, I added Alice: Madness Returns on my Steam wishlist mindlessly to check it out after. The game ended up collecting dust on my wishlist for some months and finally in May 2025, my partner saw that it was on discount and gifted me the game, as he often does with so many others. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the chance to play it right away because I was occupied with stupid grown up responsibilities like university. So, my first time playing it was in October that same year.

Love is a complicated feeling, and so was my love for this game. In the beginning, it was confusing, hard and the mini games were making me want to rage quit. On the other hand, the narrative held me close to it as well as the overall art direction. I couldn’t stop playing, despite it all.

Alice’s story is very tragic. She is still suffering from post-traumatic stress, survivor’s guilt, mad fits and hallucinations from her family’s death. When she was young, her family house burned down and she was the only one to survive. After that tragedy, Alice was taken to an Asylum where her memory and mind were deeply abused. Some years after, Alice was considered sane enough to be released into society again. But Alice starts to have hallucinations and mental breakdowns that send her to Wonderland once again, after many years, only to find out it’s corrupted, falling apart and under a new oppressive regime. there is an infernal train going around Wonderland spreading corruption and Alice need to know why this is and stop the train. The events that take place in Wonderland are a reflection of Alice’s real life events and the way she reacts to them. Wonderland is corrupted and on the verge of destruction because Alice’s sanity is going in the same direction.

｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

It was this story and the way it was told that hooked me right away. I was not expecting something so heart-felt and tragic. I was not expecting a main character dealing with mental instability and disorders in a way so close to mine. I was not expecting that her suffering would be presented in such a raw way, not glorified, human.

You see, at the time I was dealing with my diagnosis for the first time and I felt very lost. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in march 2025 and it was the most relieved I’ve ever felt. A blanket of thick white fog was lifted from my eyes and I could see everything. But when the fog lifted, I was in an endless labyrinth of everything and everyone I’ve ever known. Everything was mangled together and distorted, in the wrong place, at the wrong order. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was lost in the wreckage of my own mind, my Wonderland was shattered. I had to get to know all the new nooks and crannies again and face the unknown. It was like getting to know myself for the first time all over again. I didn’t know who I was, my world changed completely while staying all the same and it was the most confusing thing ever.

Witnessing Alice’s story gave me comfort. Her trauma, her way of dealing with it gave me a place to sit with my emotions. After all she’s been through, she was still a person of a great heart. All the rage I felt needed to be felt, I needed to get it out somehow without hurting myself, and playing this game did it for me. From raging about the fucking jump mechanics to feeling the addictive satisfaction of killing an ugly annoying fuck ass of an enemy in a gruesome and nasty way. It was beautiful, it was a bliss, adrenaline and rage inducing. In other words, perfect.

It became my comfort game right away, even though it pissed me off sometimes because of how old, clunky and slow it was. To be frank, I now believe that gives the game a certain charm. I had to get used to its awkwardness, to the mechanics and the confusion, just like I had to get used to myself. Not to be dramatic, but this game taught me how to be patient with myself in a dire stage of my life. I got to learn how to love and accept the darker corners of my heart, and that is nothing wrong with them.

G a me D e s i g n

Alice: Madness Returns is divided by six chapters, each taking place in different areas of Wonderland, each covering a different part of the story and a different state of Alice’s mind. The chapters are:

01- The Hatter’s Domain
02- Deluded Depths
03- Oriental Grove
04- Queensland
05- Dollhouse
06- The Infernal Train

In between these chapters there are brief levels that serve the purpose of slowing down. They are a platforming puzzles, usually in a beautiful and bright area, simple and quick to let the player take a breath before the next chapter.

The chapters have a specific aesthetic each, everything from the item boxes to Alice’s dress changes to fit the vibe.

Each chapter usually focuses on a character and a specific part of the plot. The further you move, the more recent is the part of story being told. This is achievable through memories Alice has to catch as well as a cutscene that happens each chapter. The cutscene is always the same, but gradually it offers the viewer more details and clues. Alice is the narrator of those cutscenes as well and we get to witness her confusion becoming enlightenment and rage as she realises the truth behind the fire that killed her family and destroyed her home.

As for the memories, they are connected to Alice’s real life characters. For example, memories from her home, memories from her psychiatrist Dr Bumby, her family lawyer Radcliffe, her old nan, and so on. These memories reveal pieces of Alice’s life that are crucial for her to unravel the truth. As the game progresses, the memories get more disturbing and recent.

｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

Alice’s life is represented by red painted roses. Throughout the game, you need to complete Radula rooms, a challenge room that, if successfully finished, will give you a quarter of paint. For an entire rose, you need to complete four Radula rooms. They have a snail shell shape and are scattered across the map from chapter two to chapter five. The challenges include riddles from the Cheshire Cat, killing a big group of enemies or running against time.

As for the weapons, Alice carries two melee weapons, two ranged weapons, and a clockwork bomb. They are very basic weapons and their designs are based off of ordinary objects. To upgrade these weapons (except the clockwork bomb), the player needs to pay in teeth. These teeth are collected throughout the game, by destroying item boxes.

The enemies are also on theme with the chapter. However, there is one common enemy, which is the Ruin. The Ruin is the corruption of Wonderland appearing as a black goo mixed with doll parts, taking various forms, depending on its difficulty. The combat with these enemies is fairly simple once you realise they have repetitive movements and specific timings. The key is timing and not smashing the mouse (me to myself).

M e c h a n i c s

As the player, you have to control Alice through Wonderland and uncover the truth behind the train and the corruption it has been spreading across it all.

Your journey is aided by the environmental elements. Pig snouts and scattered breakable items give Alice roses and teeth. In the beginning of the game the player is given a black pepper grinder (the first ranged weapon) and with that they have to pepper the pig snouts until they leave or disappear. When they do, something is revealed to the player, such as a reward of teeth and roses, a new path, or any other environment element moved to aid Alice’s journey. The game provides the classic platforming aided by wind vents that make Alice float, floating platforms, time sensitive platforms that trigger new paths, and so on.

A very important feature of the game is the shrinking. In Lewis Carroll’s original story, Alice shrinks with a potion and expands with a cake. In this game, you can shrink and by doing that, she’s able to reach places she couldn't before, see clues and hidden platforms. If you are lost, just shrink and the game will give you clues to what you should do next. It’s an awesome mechanic, in my opinion. Very creative and useful as well.

A mechanic I really don’t like is how the camera acts in a small space.

The camera changes perspective and so do the controls. W-A-S-D mean different directions now and it’s very confusing. I completely understand why this is, but I believe this would be an easy fix with an update, a patch or even a remaster…This happens because in 3D games, the camera is also a 3D object. In tight spaces, the camera has no space to move around following Alice, so the developers have no other choice but to put the camera in a fixed place. The abrupt change is a bit off putting, but the real issue for me is the change of controls, they completely break the flow.

A r t D i r e c t i o n

The art direction is the strongest aspect of this game, no doubts there. I believe it is why it has such a loyal fanbase. As a lover of gothic motifs, the macabre and grotesque, this game is the thunder to my lightning.

Set in London during the 1800’s, this game gives off a dark, wet and cold atmosphere. Wonderland is a depiction of Alice’s inner world and memories. It’s filled with strange looking and eerie elements that left a mark on her. Medical instruments that were used against her and other children as torture methods, furniture, toys, every day objects. Every little detail is a giveaway of Alice’s past.

The game has an incredible and impressive art direction. It’s very surrealistic (like the original story), depicting Wonderland as an amalgamation of impossible, eerie things mixed with day-today objects and experiences, all distorted naturally by the human mind.

Also, everything is on theme, nothing is boring. The currency is literal teeth and Alice’s life are not hearts, but red painted roses. If you look closely, you’re likely to find a subtle reference to Lewis Carroll’s original novel in every other corner of the game.

All the art elements blend incredibly well together and create a truly immersive world. The art direction is so strong because the game knows what it wants, knows what they are and knows who their audience is. That is a strong art direction.

N a r r a t i v e D e s i g n

There is a mystery to uncover and it unfolds through memories you collect and cutscenes that play after you finish each chapter. Most importantly, this narrative is told by elements of the environment. It’s a good example of the famous show, don’t tell.

Alice doesn’t remember what happened and how things happened. She is certain something is not quite right, and she needs to know, as she is trapped in her past and can’t seem to let it go. Everyone around her shuts her down and dismisses her need to discover the truth, but she persists. She goes to the depths of her mind and memories and she finally learns what really happened.

The Wonderland in ruins clearly show how Wonderland once was. A good example of narrative design is when Alice arrives at Vale of Tears for the first time. Everything seems normal until the water slowly starts to be represented by blood and the floor is splattered in black goo. It’s a subtle touch that helps the player understand that something is wrong.

Another example, and my favourite, is in chapter four, Queensland. Alice enters the queen’s castle in ruins, dying and drying. The further you progress, the deeper Alice goes into the castle. And the deeper she goes, the more gory and macabre is the castle. The floor and walls start to be made of flesh and pulse at the rhythm of a heart. The game is trying to tell the player they’re going deeper into que queen’s heart, as they are entering her body physically and navigate through her veins.

L e v e l D e s i g n

The levels are basically a classic platforming and parkour experience, while gathering teeth to upgrade your weapons and roses to fulfil your health status. By interacting with the environment, levers, pigs, pressure plates, new passages will be revealed and it will change the course to an easier one.

The first two chapters are supported by a basic level design tactic. Alice has to run errands and collect a number of items and deliver them to a character in order to make progress or reveal a secret.

The third chapter, however works in a different way. The goal is to reach the peak of the mountain Oriental Grove and you do that by doing the classic platforming. However, you need to go through three mini games that act as shortcuts. You enter the mini game, complete it and when you get out of it, you’re closer to the peak.

The fourth chapter is highlighted by running from an impossible to defeat enemy. Once you reach a certain part of the level, Alice becomes gigantic and a new dynamic is introduced.

Even though some chapter have a level design that stands out more or is more dynamic, the game overall follows the same logic on platforming and puzzle solving and it has a good variation of mini games as well. It does a good job on keeping the player engaged and entertained.

S o u n d t r a c k

In every chapter, the music is different, reflecting the stage of plot development and Alice’s reaction and emotions towards it. However, they all revolve around the same sound base and instruments.

It is very nostalgic and melancholic, giving a perception of being inside the mind, full of imagination and corruption. The music makes use of non harmonic sounds such as screeching metal, clock tick tacks, whale sounds, reverberation and depth. The use of these elements aid the player to feel the physical place in the game. Because of the soundtrack, I actually felt the heat in the Hatter’s Domain. I felt the serenity of deep waters in Deluded Depths. I felt the pain and melancholy of a struck heart in Queensland. I felt small and dollish, observed and preyed in Dollhouse.

I can’t listen to the soundtrack without feeling my heart clench with raging sadness and excitement. It makes me want to de-gut myself in cold blood and cry hysterically. Sorry, got carried away. I just really love it. It’s eerily perfect and comforting.

When I can’t put into words how much I resonate with something, I always say the same thing. If I was a soundtrack, I would be this one.

C o n c l u s i o n

Overall, I would say this game is perfect, including all its defects. It’s the most beautiful carpet, all the elements weaved together perfectly.

Alice: Madness Returns has a really strong character. It feels like there is absolutely no other game like this one and I believe its uniqueness is something very valuable in this day and age.

It resonated with me so hard, it changed me as a person. I see myself differently and I see the world differently. I no longer feel like a stranger to myself and I no longer feel miserable about my mental illness. Having BPD is definitely not who I am or entirely a curse. I can now embrace it and recognise the good qualities it gives me.

I had my key all along.

｡ ₊°༺❤︎༻°₊ ｡

note: all the non-credited images and cover gif were taken by me while playing.

Alice can be played via Steam, Xbox360 or PS3.

Thank you so much for reading. I put all my heart into this post and I’m very proud that I was able to express my love and share it with amazing people. As always, thank you for your support.

Cheers,

mai

What was your favourite Alice’s dress?

Leave a comment

YouTube

My Website

Support me

Dear reader,

This was not a good month at all. I was lucky enough to have a fairly good January , but I was a fool for thinking that it would always be like that. I forget that life is cyclic just like Nature and its seasons, just like the Moon and its phases.

This month I felt like I did nothing of value, i got an unpaid “job”, so I’m still a broke artist and I felt unseen, unloved and stressed.

During the first weeks of the month, Portugal was under a lot of storms. It was raining non stop for days, with only some gaps of silence in which I felt like I could finally breathe. The only day that saw a ray of light was on February 2, Imbolc which is very fitting. Imbolc is the day when the earth starts slowly melting. The air is still freezing, but the rabbit underground is stirring to get out. You start to notice the days getting bigger, the hope solidifying in your chest. It’s the liminal space between winter and spring. It’s the time when Nature is shifting and it doesn’t fall on a specific characterisation yet. I felt the exact same way, to be honest. I was ok, I was productive, everything was going along fine. But not quite there.

Because of the lack of sun, I also felt very drained of energy. My body and my mind were sluggish, it was hard to focus and to verbalise my messy inconsistent thoughts. By the second week, my cat got sick and had to go to the vet. She is a 16 year old cat, she’s not used to other cats and people, and she can be very mean and anxious. It was very stressful leaving her in a place I know she would freak out, with people that don’t know the exact movements and pets to be able to handle her, like I do. Fortunately, after two days, everything was almost fine. She needs to take a medication for her kidneys for the rest of her life. I love my cat with all the love my heart can handle, and I cannot imagine my life without her. This crushed me a bit for some time, but I’m ok now, and she is too.

To top it all off, this platform has been feeling off. It seems very quiet; choosing between For You page and Following page doesn’t make much of a difference and omits content from people that I follow and subscribe; and some essay from people that I subscribe to don’t appear on the subscriptions page, even when I sort them from the most recent. Worse than all of that, the hate speech has been increasing on this website, and it’s not ok. Sexual harassment is not ok. Cyberbullying is not ok. Racism is not ok. Being openly nazi and having thousands of followers is not ok. However, it’s happening freely and without consequences. I was not a victim of this, just some stupid rage baiter that I ignored. Anyway, I strongly encourage you to read this article, to get more information and take action on the matter.

With all this stress and anxiety, I started getting paranoid and my impulses were hard to manage. I believed that everyone hated me and at some point someone was going to take the chance to humiliate me or stab me behind my back.

Fortunately, the sun came out one day out of nowhere and so did my will to live this life. I started drawing again, I finally started my next animation and I’m writing this, so not everything was bad. Let us now focus on the good things!

This month I created

𖦹 A small think piece

꩜ A short story

𖦹 An introductory post

꩜ An illustration

I also visited Mustard’s Diner, did this beautiful moodboard for me. I read amazing articles that got stuck with me like this one from , this one from and this one from .

I also became low key obsessed with Pokémon. There are so many beautiful illustrations and creature designs I was not aware of! I played a pirated version of Fire Red on my small laptop as a child, but it didn’t stuck with me like it did now. Right now, I’m playing TCG Pocket to collect cute cards for free! I’ll show you my best cards, digital and physical:

While searching for some stickers at a local store, I randomly and mindlessly chose a tarot card sticker. When I looked at it that night, I realised it was a knight of wands.

Quick at taking action, driven by impulse and good capacity of reacting. My interpretation was that something better is coming, better than I could ever imagine and I’m able to act, exited by the unknown and adventure. Not afraid to take the risk.

Not everything is lost my friend!

As of right now, I’m working on my next animation titled room tour, my review for Alice: Madness Returns and Isobel’s story.

As for my media consumption:

Song of the month

Ongenzien by Jesse Hoefnagels and Rhodé Kok

Movies

Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass by Tim Burton (can you see the pattern?..). I loved them very much, they are beautiful and very well directed (mainly Alice in Wonderland), but I’m afraid I prefer this story told by Jan Svankmajer in his 1988 movie Alice and obviously American McGee’s depiction of the story in Alice: Madness Returns.

I hope this wasn’t too much of a depressing read for you. I crave more beautiful and sunny days. I crave the bloom of spring that will happen in Nature and also inside my soul. Have a beautiful month, and until the next letter.

Cheers

mai

YouTube Channel

My Website

Buy me a coffee

Once upon a time in 2018 I had two connected dreams separated by months. Ever since, I tried to represent them in some form.. I tried comics and even abstract animation, but I could never show exactly what I wanted.

So, finally I decided to share these dreams in short story format and what a better idea than to share it here! In this post, you will read the first dream I had and later I’ll post the second part which is the second dream. Enjoy!

Read the 2nd part here

People and cattle roamed around me, trying to navigate through the somewhat packed market. The smells of horse dung, sweat, fresh bread and raw meat forcibly entered through my nose and I felt every tiny rock on the ground piercing my feet through my leather boots. As I scanned my surroundings, feeling like I’ve just woke up, I realised that something was missing, my brother. I was with him just a few seconds ago, and now he was nowhere to be found. A slight feeling of panic washed over me, like i was being suddenly watched and the market became claustrophobic all of a sudden. Yet, I had to find my brother, so I made my best to ignore those unpleasant feelings that could distract me from my duty. I asked everyone I could around me, but no one paid me any heed, as if I were a nobody. Eventually, after some time of nervous and rapid walking, the market dissolved around me like ghosts flying frenetically without knowing where. I took a deep breath of relief, and continued on my search. The sky quickly descended into a state of slight darkness, everything being dimly lit by twilight.

I walked endlessly until the gravel slowly became soft wet grass. I was so lost in the rampage of my thoughts, I became very tired and the coldness of the air started to prickle through my skin. I looked around. It appeared I was in a big private garden that probably accompanied someone’s residence. Everything was neatly cut and trimmed, looking almost artificial. Not too many yards away, a mansion showed itself as a visibly old looking building, like it was perhaps from another century. However, it was in an implacable state, as if it was built the day before. I couldn’t see or hear the any alive creature, everything around me was the infinite plastic looking garden. From the mansion’s window, there wasn’t a single light lit inside, bearing complete darkness and mysteriousness. The windows were tall and narrow, with white ornamented covers matching the ones at the double door that made the entrance, fabricating a quite intimidating scene.

The cold was starting to get slightly unbearable and my skin was forming goosebumps all over. My brother would certainly be cold as well, maybe he had sought shelter in that mansion, so I started going towards the entrance. I knocked on the door, but got no answer. I tried again and nobody came. Finally, I decided to open the door myself and, surprisingly, it opened without any effort at all. The door was clearly very heavy but somehow it felt like I was pushing a cotton ball of some sort. I couldn’t see anything inside, as everything was bathed in complete darkness. I stepped inside and almost immediately the door closed behind me with a soft thud. Surprised, I looked back and when I turned again, the mansion was no longer the place it was before.

Now lit, the house that was once big and elegant was now a narrow old thing with an unavoidable claustrophobic feeling. Before me there was a small corridor with very dirty and rough ground. At its end was a kitchen with a stony hearth and a wooden chair. I had an uncanny feeling creeping up the back of my neck. The house was clearly old and used but somehow felt like it was an exhibition with the objects meticulously thought about in order to appear as believable as possible. All the other rooms were dark and the staircase on my right side that led to the upstairs floor was the only path that didn’t seem like a dead end.

I started going up the stairs, in hopes I would find something or someone useful for my current task. The wooden boards creaked underneath my feet like they were howling in pain. I quickly realised I was not alone, I stopped to look at a girl who was in front of me. She was sitting on the stairs, had a buzz cut and had big hypnotising eyes that seemed like they hadn’t closed in years. I looked at her in surprise, as I wasn’t expecting to find someone in that place.

”Have you seen my brother?” I asked. “I’ve been looking for him..”

She didn’t answer, only laughed but her face didn’t show signs of movement. Suddenly, something from the side of her head started forming. In a cluster of skin and hair, another head appeared from the side of her face and neck. The two heads were completely equal, the first one standing still and the second one laughing at me. Bathed in shock and fear, my body couldn’t move and my breath was stuck on my throat. The girl with two heads stood up and ran up the stairs, still laughing hysterically. In an adrenaline filled second, I followed her up the stairs. She got in the first room upstairs and closed the door behind her with a loud bang.

Just as I opened the door, I took a step back. The girl now had very long hair that was supporting her whole floating body. Her face was pale and her mouth and eyes were pitch black holes. I quickly turned around and started running, without even closing the door. Now that I was trying to escape, the house seemed to stretch in front of my feet, with never ending corridors and stairs. After what felt like an eternity filled with chaos, I finally reached the entrance and ran outside.

With a fast beating heart and ringing ears, I ran as fast and as long as I could. My body reached a point when it couldn’t run any longer. I stopped and looked at the ground, with my hands on my knees and breathing heavily. My head spun for a long time and my legs felt so weak, I was close to fainting. Despite that, I straighten up. My vision took some seconds to adjust to the dark and to focus, as I was light-headed. In my horizon I could see a tree and below it, my brother.

I started walking toward him, dragging my feeble and tired body. My brother walked very slowly to the tree and I started panicking, I didn’t want to lose sight of him again. He started to disappear behind it and I screamed his name, but he didn’t seem to listen. As soon as his body disappeared behind the trunk, I tripped and fell with my face on the ground. I couldn’t understand if the grass was wet or if I was crying. I felt my body rapidly falling, as the ground evaporated underneath me. I opened my eyes and the world didn’t take shape. I was in complete darkness, falling endlessly without a sky to look over me or a ground to catch me.

That is because it is very hard for me to give myself the title of ‘artist’ and is even worse to try and draw a self-portrait. It’s insanely hard to have an image of myself, a materialisation of who I am and what makes me, me. Despite all, I did it and I love the result. I’ll happily share it with you, as well as previous self-portraits I did years ago.

This illustration has only some aspects that can tell you immediately who I am as a person. All of them were meticulously chosen, except for my age and birth chart, those were a gift from the universe.

generally speaking, this was pretty fun to make, except for choosing a favourite movie. I had so many up my sleeve.. The Craft, The Witch, Frankenweenie, Coraline, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, Mid 90s, The Florida Project… I ended up with Shrek II. It’s my favourite from the Shrek franchise, it shaped me as a person and I don’t think we will ever get a better children’s animated movie. I also wanted to live in Far Far Away.

support me

As for main objects that might describe me, I chose my sewing machine, my journal and my favourite Fuggler. I love plushies, especially if they have teeth.

Now for some old self-portrait sketches, so we can se the difference.

It’s so interesting to see the evolution of self-perception as well as artistic skill. Obviously, I’m better at drawing now, but I would never recognise that evolution if I didn’t have proof right in front of my eyes.

I hope you enjoyed this small post. I hope you get to know me better now and have a humanoid vision of me as well. It’s hard to say goodbye to the creature I drew on a random Tuesday in 2025. This creature served as my image to all of you until now, and it will not be forgotten, I promise. Maybe one day it’ll be a sticker like someone suggested one time.

cheers

mai

I was one of these people, I must admit and it was quite the phase. Even though I still love Hello Kitty to this day, I just don’t feel like it’s absolutely necessary to buy everything in my sight that has her face on it. At the time I didn’t really think about it, but now I ask myself, why was that?

Was I trying to recover some part of lost childhood? Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a horrible childhood. Maybe I was just accepting a more feminine facet of myself that I hadn’t fully developed yet at the time, while being completely influenced to engage in over-consumption. Fortunately, I didn’t engage that much as most of my trinkets were found, thrifted or a gift. So yeah maybe I wasn’t that bad in that sense.

But the question remains the same. I will tell you, I’m not and I never was a colourful girl. I mostly wear black, crafted and thrifted stuff, I like horror and the obscure. Why would I want to engage with such a pink colourful character?

Subscribe now

I read a thesis on Japan’s kawaii culture by Kimberlee Coombes at the time and it stuck with me ever since. Sanrio characters are famous for their obvious cuteness, but Hello Kitty in particular is very popular because of her lack of expression. Meaning that anyone can see themselves in this little cat girl. She has no mouth and expressionless eyes so, her feelings become your own. You can directly attribute your mood to her because she is a blank canvas. To quote Coombes on her thesis Consuming Hello Kitty: Cuteness in Japanese Society,

“Her lack of a mouth strips away her ability to interact with the viewer, making her an emotional sponge.”

You can literally imprint your emotions on her and imagine her having the same feelings as you, like a kitty cat mirror.

“As a mirror the object is perfect, precisely because it sends back not real images, but desired ones... What is more, you can look at an object without it looking back at you.”

Pink Globalization by Christine Yano

That is a very effective method for someone who feels lonely and in need of their emotions being validated, like me. Or like anyone else, really. I feel like it is unfortunately very common to feel lonely these days. And the thing people search for is validation in any shape or form, doing anything to have it.

When a cutesy pink Japanese toy like Hello Kitty emerges on the internet (once again) and becomes viral, it becomes the perfect coping tool for some girls and young women. Hello Kitty can be cute, baddie, a fashion icon. She can be you and you can be her. Barbie has nothing on this cat, I dare to say.

buy me a coffee

For me personally, this was not only about emotional support and validation. It was about the effort of reclaiming a part I lost during my childhood.

As a child, I wasn’t very engaged with media popular at the time and I wasn’t obsessed with anything in particular. I didn’t have a favourite toy or franchise or animated cartoon.

Except for Courage the Cowardly Dog whom I called O Cão Cor-de-rosa (the pink dog, in Portuguese), but that didn’t last very long, as my parents believed it was too much of a creepy cartoon for a child (oh boy if they even knew what would I become…poor them).

Now that I think of it, not engaging too much with media was quite strange, given that I’m young and I had TV and Internet most of my childhood. I was born in 2002 and I’m 23 at this exact moment that I’m writing. I was a child when Barbie, Monster High, Bratz, Hot Wheels, Polly Pocket, Doraemon, Pokémon, Little’s Pet Shop, Yu-Gi-Oh, Winx and anything you can think of (if you’re around my age) were at their absolute prime. Prior to soulless 3D redesigns no one asked for, but I digress. All my friends talked about cartoons, my brother watched a lot of TV and it seemed everyone had something favourite, while I was a bit (just a tiny bit) out of the loop, like I was distracted.

I wasn’t a Barbie girly, I wasn’t a Bratz girly and I wasn’t a Winx girly or even a Monster High girly. I was just a girl who was obsessed with animals and animal plushies. The closest I got to engaging with a franchise was playing Club Penguin or “collecting” some Little’s Pet Shop (I have like 5 and my parents bought a total of 0).

I didn’t have much toys. I constructed the world of my imagination through knock off Legos, random plushies and toys I made with my own hands like a talking sock or a corn cob doll with a dress I sewed by hand. From childhood, I crafted my own world building, my characters and my stories. I also didn’t watch much TV, I spent most of the time on my iconic childhood pc provided by the government playing SuperTux, drawing on Ms Paint and taking pictures and videos rambling about my day.

So, Hello kitty was not very present during my childhood, or any other pink girly thing from the 2000s. It was there, but I didn’t pay much attention. And during 2022, this character became viral on TikTok and many young women implemented Hello Kitty on their day-to-day lives and I wasn’t exception. I felt longing and nostalgia, as well as a cuteness overload, a phenomenon many people go through.

I’m not on TikTok anymore, so I don’t know if it’s still a trend or if it was just a phase for some people and it has passed already. Personally, I still love Hello Kitty, but I was still discovering myself. Since 2022 I obviously changed and now I have a completely different perspective about all of this. I’m more selective about the things I buy and wear because I already know what I want. Not that I don’t want Hello Kitty, she’s an icon obviously. I just don’t feel the need to have everything Hello Kitty anymore. With that said, please enjoy my hello kitty collection!

This is not including all the stickers I have scattered around my belongings and other small trinkets.
I would love to read your thoughts and experiences regarding this topic if you have them and are willing to share them.

Cheers

mai

I don’t think this monthly favourites is a good idea for me to do. Usually, I don’t consume enough media to have a fully developed opinion. I am a slow reader, watcher and gamer. I need my time, and when I finish something, I’ll need days to fully process how I feel about it. So, with that said, I don’t want these posts to be a list anymore. I feel like I was forcefully trying to think about something to put on a list, and that didn’t feel right. I want to write to you, sharing what happened during the month and how I felt, obviously including media I engaged with. Just like a journal entry I guess. Or a special letter written to you.

January was the out of comfort zone month. I applied to jobs and scheduled an interview, captured videos during a very important celebration, using gear I’ve never used and feeling a lot of pressure, and closed a chapter in my life. All of this while my brain was trying to convince me to give up on everything, driven by the fear of failure, rejection or judgement. I didn’t bend to those thoughts, and I’m very proud of myself!

I usually hate January, it feels endless and depressing. This one was a bit depressing, but it has gone by very fast fortunately, I’ll admit. Maybe it was because I was actually kinda busy. This month I created

𖦹 A Substack post

꩜ A short story

𖦹 A YouTube video

꩜ A sewing project

꩜ An illustration

I think it’s safe to say that it was a productive and successful month, despite it all.

buy me a coffee

I’ve also been playing Alice Madness returns. I finally ended the game. I felt so sad and sensitive, I literally cried my eyes out of my skull (dramatic, I know). I couldn’t leave it at that and two days later I started a New game +, when you play the game again, from the beginning but with all the weapons and buffs you acquired during the last gameplay. I couldn’t say goodbye yet, and so I decided I would complete the game to 100% and take notes along the way. You should expect a review… I’m still playing though, and I’m having such a blast. Every day I get excited just thinking about sitting at my desk at the evening and playing this absolute gem.

As for reading, I’ve been reading Frankenstein. I’m loving it and I’m very happy I’m reading a classic so effortlessly. Usually, classics are tricky for me because English is not my first language and if I read it in my native language, Portuguese, it seems even more complicated because Portuguese is very complex. So I had to chose a battle here. I chose English and it’s going very well. I’m engaged with the story, I’m not lost and the writing is absolutely beautiful.

I went to the cinema and watched Lord of the Rings! I’ve watched all the movies before, but I confess I didn’t think about them much. This time, I think it clicked. Because I was in a cinema room, perhaps. It makes a huge difference in my opinion, I feel more engaged with the movie. I’m excited to be with my friends and watch the rest of the franchise! Speaking of Lord of the Rings, I bought a gorgeous edition of the hobbit, I can’t wait to read it.

I came back to social media, kinda. Some months ago, I deleted TikTok and disabled my Instagram account. It was giving me a lot of anxiety. Besides, I wasn’t even seeing content from people I followed because my Instagram feed was flooded with suggested posts, ads and reels. I definitely have no time for that bullshit, so I said goodbye and I’ve never been better. I don’t doom scroll anymore, I don’t lurk on people that are not in my life anymore and I don’t have monitoring spirits watching me. Back off, I say! If you don’t bring anything of value to my life, then you are not part of it and you don’t get to stalk me without even engaging with me.

But how did you came back to social media if you deleted it?, you might ask. Well, I shall answer you. Old social media. Forgotten social media that is now shoved to the dusty room no one opens anymore, only some. Tumblr, for example, VSCO… and Substack ffs! This is a social media and I made my comeback right here, in august. Before that I was living off socials, which is pretty freeing. My life is super quiet now, I’m still anxious but not as much as I was. Also, a very important detail about this topic, I use social media on my computer and not on my phone! On my pc I have AdBlock, so I can catch up freely without being bombarded with useless shit that I didn’t ask to see. So now I only use long form socials and slow paced ones, this being my list

꩜ Tumblr

𖦹 Substack

꩜ YouTube

꩜ VSCO

And I don’t use them constantly obviously. I’m not always posting on VSCO, I don’t open Tumblr every week… they’re just platforms I still have.

As for music, I’m finally free of an obsession phase, so I can listen to whatever I want! I picked up some albums that I already knew I loved and a new album as well. The new album I listened to this month was A Line that Connects by Lycia. I’ve also been listening to Shadowlorn by Mountain Realm, Treasure by Cocteau Twins, Within the depths of a darkened forest by Autumn’s grey Solace and finally, Dopethrone by Electric Wizard, among others. From all of these, my favourite is Within the depths of a darkened forest by Autumn’s grey Solace.

I feel like I’m actually within the depths of a darkened forest and I’m at peace. Erin’s voice is beautiful and ethereal, it hypnotises me into a state of deep tranquillity. I think this whole album, rhythm, lyrics, vocals and theme is a very close representation of what I truly am on the inside. However, for my favourite song I will choose a one from another album and it is Funeralopolis from Dopethrone. I cannot describe to you how good of a banger this is, you have to listen for yourself.

Overall and despite the fact I hate January, it was a good month. I reached some milestones that scare me to death and I did tons of creative work, I got these two books, one of which I’ve been wanting for the longest time

I got a new journal as well, in which I’m writing everyday and some hair accessories I’ve been wanting for some time. Nothing better than a good dose of dopamine after spending some money and being a little piggy sucking from a capitalistic tit am I right? I’m gonna end the post on this positive note, then.

Cheers

mai

From this point on, each of us took our path and created something. I had so much fun writing this piece and making this illustration. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you enjoy Emma' s as well.

The chant of the nearby stream could be heard even from where I stood. I was getting closer to it, I was certain. I loved days in which my destiny led me nowhere in particular, heading to whichever place my heart led me to. Usually, I always ended up near a body of water. Whether I was gazing at it, soaking my feet or just listening to it, the water soothed my soul and softened my body like nothing else. I could spend hours looking at the occasional movements of a lake, the stream flowing through the rocks, running somewhere urgently. I would be enchanted by its spell, losing myself in reverie, the sound of running water lulling me into a state of peace I’d never known. I would imagine myself as a drop of water, flying swiftly apace with the current, absorbed by the freeing feeling of just letting myself go.

I followed the soft sound of the running water. The skyline revealed a bridge, not too far away. I walked in its direction, allowing myself to be led by the sentiment of curiosity. The bridge was of an old and broad, rough stone. It was darkened by the water at its supporting pillars and lightened by the touch of the sun at the brim. A lovely contrast to the scenery before my eyes. I allowed myself into the bridge, walked closer to the brim and supported my weight on my arms, rested and laced on the cold damp stone.

I closed my eyes and let myself be driven by the water rumble. My chest relaxed, as if I was being let go from some grey cloud weighting me with its tempest. My eyes opened and I gazed downwards, to the flowing stream. Its bed was covered in thick, distorted tree roots that disrupted the water flow. Some of them were peeking out, creating unusual little islands. The foam and droplets all over formed a beautiful aura around the water and the occasional peaking sun gave it a soft rainbow to wear.

As I listened more attentively, I noticed it whispering to me, luring me in. I felt a strange tingling in my head, like a calling I didn’t realise I had been waiting for all my life. It was almost coming from my insides, from my own mind. But I knew it was the water. Up until now, I had never listened to my heart. Never once have I thought that I could decide how I should live, but today I followed this voice. It was my voice, coming from the water, I realised.

Her rustling and agitation were her way of saying my name. I quickly got down the bridge and nearer the stream. Following the voice, I walked along the water. My ankles started to get cold and soaked. I don’t know how much time I spent going with the stream, but it felt like hours went by very fast while the world slowly spun. Eventually, the stream ended, entrusting me with silence that settled between the trees. In front of me, some meters away, a clearing displayed a beautiful and lonely lake. I became confused, I realised I’d been following a stream that didn’t flow to any river, just disappeared eventually. I looked back to check if it was there, but I could only see trees. Whatever happened, I was taken to this place. I made my way to the lake and kneeled before it.

I saw my reflection. I studied my eyes, my nose, my eyebrows, my mouth. It all seemed eerie, ill fitting and unrecognisable. It didn’t feel like me at all. I reached the water with my hand and stirred it. My face moved and transformed alongside the water movements, lit by moonlight. I heard a whisper, the same voice as before, my own.

“Would you like to take the shape of your true form?”

I paused for a moment, still gazing at my ever changing reflection. I whispered back.

”Yes..”

“Then come to me, allow yourself to trust me.”

I did. Without any further instruction, I submerged my head in the lake. I let myself go and fell into it. My body didn’t float, rather it sank like it was built from rock. I couldn’t breathe either, but it didn’t bother me, somehow. I didn’t need to breathe anymore.

The water started stirring around my body, brushing every surface possible, its coldness hugging me. The water entered through my mouth and nose and took hold of my insides, filling their emptiness. It reached my extremities and pushed them out, stretching my body across the entirety of the lake. I started becoming lighter, morphing into different shapes, liquefying. I looked up, my vision was blurry but, at the same time, I’ve never seen better in my life. I saw everything that once was and things that hadn’t become yet. Everything around me became alive. The light coming through the water surface was moving like it had its own will. The light gave me a kiss goodbye and my whole body dissolved, disappearing into existence. I no longer was human.

I was the water in the lake. I was the mist that covered the rocks scattered along the stream. I was the current that bashed against the bridge. I was the vapor that flew towards the clouds. I was the fog that sat on the fields during cold mornings, and I was the rain that poured and washed the earth. I was finally and utterly, my true self.

I hope you enjoyed! Don’t forget to check out Emma’s part of this collab here

Marblehead

a candied covenant

Hello! Welcome to the collaboration mai and I worked on! We used the three images below as inspiration for a short story and created illustrations to accompany them…

Read more

7 months ago · emma 🐞⋆˚꩜ and mai

Follow emma!

If you want to support me consider

buying me a coffee

Cheers

mai

YouTube

The Fairy Ring

I went to art school in uni and I had different teachers who taught very differently from each other. In my opinion, that is very good because it shows the students that the world is more than the bubble you live in. It’s important to connect and listen to people who think differently of the world (obviously excluding people whose opinions violates the freedom of others) so you can grow yourself as a person. Having said this, I want you to know that I will discuss two perspectives of the same matter and I’m not implying one is better than the other, just because I have an opinion on this.

My journey on art university was very similar to anyone else’s in my class. I was enchanted by all the possibilities at the beginning, by all the freedom. Then, I realised my freedom was just an illusion and I had no choice whatsoever. After that, came the denial phase. I was praising the academic way of life and its pressure while doing something that supposedly comes from my passion and my heart. I pressured myself and beat myself up for not being good enough, believing some teachers words. Then, slowly I became numb, until I realised I couldn’t give two fucks anymore and rejecting academic way of life (in the art section) was the way to go. After that, everything was okay and I started liking my own art. The school was a bit pretentious, I will say that. There was an invisible pressure and judgement if you weren’t the film bro or the photography bro. You had to be good, you had to prove you were someone worth remembering in the next century. Good like Stanley Kubrick and good like Vivian Maier, but I digress. I couldn’t give a fuck and I made a videogame in a degree full of cocksucking film bros and elitists. Mind you, this was not a film degree. It was an audiovisual degree that was just film oriented due to the professors. Everyone was totally free of doing any project as long as it involved sound or image in any way. You had performance artists, installations, animation movies, movies, photography, music albums and because of my project, videogames. That’s the beauty of it! All made by students. And if this much diversity in one class doesn’t prove enough of a point, I don’t know what does. It was full of beautiful artists. Some people would disagree with me on this, but I’m including the ones who made comedic pieces and non serious experiments. Not everything you do has to be a mind blowing, heartfelt mute film captured in 4:3 talking about a subject you don’t even know enough about. I’m getting carried away.

Anyway, I had a professor who believed that creativity was an innate quality. Not everyone had it and not everyone was good enough or interesting enough to make a living or being appreciated. He made people believe they were in the wrong course, that they were not creative at all and not interesting and they would be better in a technical brain dead degree. I don’t really know if he 100% believed in this because I started ignoring him at some point. But I know he definitely believed that people who weren’t already creative enough weren’t worth the time and the hassle. Only the ones with enough “background”, as he often said, were good enough to stand out. Meaning, if you already came from a privileged background, you’re good to go. If you didn’t, then don’t even bother.

A year later, another professor told us in the beginning of the semester that we couldn’t wait until some brilliant idea crashed into our heads. We needed to feed our brains most days with things that inspire us. We needed to be a bit creative everyday even if we didn’t feel like it, just like going to the gym. We needed to be consistent to see results. Being creative is not a magic trick that only some can master, it’s a skill that everyone can improve. Some quicker, some slower. That’s what she believed in. And honestly, with that mindset, it was the best semester of my life. I started making book binding, I sewed as a form of entertainment and not only a skill to fix some clothes, I made an entire videogame and I started drawing more. It’s no secret that I completely agree with her.

Creativity is a major characteristic that defines us as human. I believe anyone can do creative things, big or small. I also agree that your background plays a pivotal role in all this because, after all you are your experiences as a child. And so, there are obviously people who feel more comfortable being creative than others. But that does not mean they are better or better artists. There is no bad art or good art. There is no high culture and there is no low culture. There’s just culture. There’s just art. It’s all subjective. I don’t think being creative is being a genius and doing absolute masterpieces every time you think of making a project.

What would you do if someone said you’re not creative enough or at all? Would you believe them?

Cheers

mai

YouTube

The Fairy Ring

This month, the last post will be a bit different. It’ll include a 2025 wrap and a shorter favourites list, enjoy!

December favourites

1. Yorkshire tea with milk

   I never thought I could like tea with milk, but when I tasted Yorkshire tea for the first time, I was not the same. I can’t drink it any other way, it has to be with milk.

2. London

   I love travelling. I love being in another place which has a pretty different culture, people, houses, food. This year I went to London and I really liked it, I actually felt at home, even though I live a completely different place.

3. Planning and inspecting my own ideas by using a commonplace book. It helps me take my ideas seriously instead of just being ideas that could have been something more. Being unafraid to use my notebooks and be messy is a big help.

4. Walking aimlessly without music or anything. As someone with BPD, walking helps a lot when I need to calm down my thoughts or emotions. Not knowing where I’m going is even better and so freeing. No google maps, no music no nothing.

2025 Wrap

This wrap is based on every wrap I got on all the apps I consume media from. For example, my most listened album according to Apple Music, my most played game according to Steam, and so on. Some of them are simply my chosen favourite piece of media, like my fav book or show.

1. Book- Lost Gods by Brom

1. Album- Fryslân by JOOST

2. Film/TV- What we do in the Shadows

3. Hobby- draw. I drew a lot this year and it’s not even close to the amount of drawing I want to do.

4. YouTube- Naomi Jon (322 videos) I watched her whole channel while doing pixel art assets, my favourite YouTuber is Kurtis Conner and I started watching Danny Gonzalez

5. Video game- R.E.P.O but my favourite was Breath of the Wild

This was my year of rest and relaxation (I never read that book, but the title itself is very accurate). 2024 was a living hell for me, and 2025 was the year I went numb in the beginning and slowly started living again. I started Substack back in august because I missed blogging and I never thought I would get the attention of almost 200 people. It’s insane and I’m so grateful all of this came from one of my illustrations when I still believe to this day that I just can’t draw and it’s not meant for me. It’s just unbelievable and made me feel really appreciated when I can’t even appreciate that part of myself. Thank you so fucking much.

Music of end of the year was going to be xenogenesis but this year was softer than that so I give you this one. Even though this is not YouTube and I’m not Danny Gonzalez, I think it really captures how I feel.
just a disclaimer: i don’t use Spotify.. I just wanted the cards to appear on the post.

On a more serious note, it’s definitely Olson by Boards of Canada.

Here’s to the end of the year and to 2016 that was 10 fucking years ago. Have a good year next year, and I hope to see you here.

Cheers

mai

YouTube

The Fairy Ring

This year I made three notebooks for a class and discovered I really liked doing it. Some months after, I finally made recycled paper for the first time and everything started making sense in my head, as if I’ve been meant to do this all along. I love notebooks, and I use so many and always waste money buying them… I’m just going to start making my own! If I have this possibility in my power, I will be more sustainable of course. And in the meantime, I keep my hands and mind busy, it’s perfect.

Some weeks ago, I shared here on Substack some glimpses of these hobbies and many people interacted. Some even asked how did I do it and others expressed interest in doing it themselves. So I decided to share it with you guys. In this post, I will try to explain the best I can, but I will also put a video on YouTube that will help make it clearer. Without further ado, let’s get to it, that’s probably why you’re here.

First of all, I decide which type of notebook I will make. Usually I only make one of these two options and I will include instructions for both of them.

1st step- the paper

opt01: I select A4 (21 x 29.7 cm) sheets of paper and fold them in half. Then I make booklets (stack of nested, folded papers) with 3 sheets each. You can choose how many booklets you want, depending on how thick you want your notebook to be. You can also add more sheets to the booklet, if you want.
note: if you want a smaller notebook cut those A4’s in half before doing this process. You will end up with a 21 x 15 cm paper

opt02: I fold A4 sheets in half. I choose how many I want, but not too many, so it wont be too difficult binding these sheets. Usually, I don’t use more than 10, it also depends on their thickness.

2nd step- the cover

opt01: I cut two rectangles of cardboard with the dimensions of the notebook. then I decorate it like I want. You can use cloth and glue it with contact glue, you can use coloured paper, a collage you made, stickers all over. Honestly this is the best part, you can do endless things. I usually do it with cloth, it’s my favourite way to decorate my notebooks. Decorate the two craft papers separately.

opt02: Use an A4 sheet of craft paper. For this step to be complete, I recommend having the craft paper already sewn into the paper sheets. You can decorate it however you want, just like the option 01. But remember, if you are glueing anything that covers the entire cover, do it while the notebook is closed.

3rd step- the binding

I use a thick needle to punch the holes. The paper must be on top of something like another old notebook or a crafting mat so you don’t damage your table. To keep the papers in place, I use binder clips. To punch the holes in the right place, measure your notebook and mark them to be at similar distance from each other.

opt01: For these, I used the Coptic binding technique and I followed this tutorial. For these, always use six holes. I did only three holes in one notebook because of its size and it turned out flimsy. So, no matter the size, always use six holes.

opt02: in this option, I follow one of these simple tutorials that I found on Pinterest. Do this while the cover is not yet decorated. Unless you are already using the finished cover you want or if you want the seams to be visible. The other option is a saddle stitch. For these saddle stitch, I start from the top to the bottom and, without cutting the thread, I stitch from the bottom to the top.

That’s it. It’s super easy, especially because it doesn’t require too much. I apologise if this was very confusing. Don’t hesitate and ask anything if you need to.
Again, I will make a video to be clearer and I’ll post it as fast as I can!

Happy crafting, and I hope you create notebooks you love.

Cheers

mai

YouTube

The Fairy Ring

Being unemployed hasn’t been easy on my mental health.

It honestly feels like I’m stuck from every possible side, just like many people in this phase. It’s that hopeless feeling of waiting for something that you don’t even know what it is or when it’s going to happen. So might as well use all that time to create and grow, instead of curling up in a ball of anxiety and uncertainty. Fortunately, I have some projects in mind to keep me busy and to keep my creativity flowing.

My ultimate dream is to tell stories. It has been my favourite thing since I remember. Whether it’s a book, a videogame, an animation or a movie, I love to show and tell. I want to create these stories and share them with everyone. I feel like I’m bursting out with ideas and I don’t even know how or where to begin. Substack was one of my very first steps, and for that I’m very grateful.

So, making use of the new year that’s coming, and the fact that I don’t have university or work “in the way”, I decided to dedicate myself to bigger projects that had been haunting my head for at least two years. I never had the chance to work on them, and now is the time, for sure. I will be explaining briefly what are these projects about, but I’m not going into detail because I plan on explaining their creative process later on, here on Substack.

1. Shadow

   My first ever animation was about a witch, Isobel that lived alone in the woods and died during a quest. At the time I had a lot of trouble with the story because my professor didn’t like it and said it didnt make sense. I ended up listening to him, unfortunately and my story ended up being very confusing and not understandable at all. I was making a short movie without dialogue, and when that happens, the story needs to be simple enough to understand. I will always be sad that I don’t feel proud of that animation, it doesn’t speak to me and it looks rushed. I wanted to make justice and I wanted to tell the story and deepen it. I decided I was going to write it. There is no better way to explain rather than just writing, and this story is perfect for that, it is very personal and it deserves to have dignity. So, based on the animation I crafted something better and it will be accompanied by illustrations because nothing is mine without illustrations. I already started writing this story, it will probably be fully written next year and I’m so excited to share it!

2. Room tour and childhood memories animations
   One thing I want to experiment with different animation styles. I’ve done animation before but I never gave myself the opportunity to use this medium in a different way other than classic narrative storytelling. I wanted to make at least two short animations this year. A creative room tour and an animation featuring old recordings and drawings of mine. With these, I want to show a piece of myself in a non traditional way. I want to push my creativity and succeed on showing a simple concept.

3. Life of a cat
   My cat is 15 years old. Her name is Luna and I’ve always loved her and loved recording her. She’s been acting a bit differently lately and it makes me wonder how did she behave when she was young. I don’t remember much, because I was a child myself and to reflect on this fifteen year long friendship and to honour her, I decided to make a short film about her. She will be the main character and you will get to know her and see her through my lens now and my lens back in 2010.

4. Mafia party game deck cards
   One day, in a birthday party around two years ago, we played mafia. In Portuguese we call it jogo da aldeia which translates to the village game. On that day we had a lot of fun and one of our friends introduced a new character with new features that changes the gameplay and adds a bit of spice. Of course nothing of this is new, even his character but I wanted to make my own deck of cards for this game ever since. I wanted to create and image the characters with the Village scenario in mind. I already started doing it at the time, but university responsibilities got in the way and I never finished it. If I started from scratch I’d do it differently and that exactly what I’m going to go this year, hopefully, as well as an article explaining the origins of the game, my characters, approach and creative process here on Substack.

5. The Essence patch
   Im going to tell you a secret about me. I’ve made an entire videogame before! My last semester and final project in uni was dedicated to this game, me and my boyfriend crafted the story and the mechanics, I made all animations and pixel drawings and he made all the coding and sound design. Dream team, if you ask me. However, we only had four months to do all. I’d say both him and me are very proud of the result for that short period of time for development. Especially for people that had never done a videogame before in many levels. He learned how to code alone from scratch to do all of this and I learned how to animate in pixel art for the first time, for example. The project is finished and has been published a long time ago (June 2025) but we still want to make some adjustments and add some elements that would solidify the world even more. I’m so proud of this game, it is very simple and short, but it’s my first one and I can’t wait to come back to it and make more games in the future. But for now, this one needs a refresh.

   ---

That’s a lot of stuff! To help me stay organised, I will make a return to analog. Before 2020 I used a physical agenda every year and it made me feel organized and present. the time felt real because it was in my hands, as physical paper in which I could scribble and write whatever I needed. After 2020, everything started to be digital, and so did I (I became a hologram!). I started using my Google Calendar and notion and I was never the same. I wasn’t that organised anymore, I didn’t know what day it was and overall I just felt lost in time, like it didn’t exist. I guess I’m just an analog girl.. I’ve always been and I always will. So this is I will be returning to paper, with this beautiful agenda. Hopefully all these projects will make their way into this beauty.

Thank you so much for reading. I’m so excited to get my hands on these projects and share them with you. Happy holidays, happy Christmas, happy Yule! Whatever you’re celebrating, if you are, I hope you’re doing it happy.

Cheers

mai

YouTube

The Fairy Ring

This morning I posted a note regarding my yearly habit.

That led me to leaf through my old notebooks and sketchbooks, something that I love doing from time to time. I realised I had some good collages and sketches, as well as some interesting pages.

I really liked searching through them, so I decided to share them with you, as a way of sharing a small piece of myself. Even if I look at them and think it’s cringe.

They are simple pages, and they have nothing special, but they tell something nonetheless. Even if that something if very little.

Cheers

Mai