Grounding and mindfulness exercises are often recommended in therapy as go to coping skills. But something I’ve noticed is that many people aren’t exactly sure why these techniques are so commonly suggested, or what’s actually happening in the mind and body when we use them.

Today’s newsletter will help explain the science behind grounding skills what why its one of the first skills taught in therapy.

Let’s start with what happens when we get dysregulated or flooded with big emotions.

Our brains are constantly scanning our environment, taking in sensory information like what we see, hear, smell, feel. This data gets interpreted and turned into meaning. If our brain decides that something in our environment feels unsafe (like a loud bang, an eerie silence, or even a certain smell), our body kicks into protection mode.

Our brain is constantly trying to figure out:

“Is this safe or not? Are you friend or foe?”

That’s when the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response shows up.

What are grounding skills actually helping?

Grounding techniques, like the classic “5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch…” exercise, can be helpful when the fight or flight response is triggered because the skill is all about intentionally giving your brain and body new sensory information. These cues can signal safety while also giving your brain something else to focus on.

If we were truly in danger, like being chased by a lion, our senses would keep picking up signs of danger. But for many of us, our survival system can get triggered even when we aren’t actually in danger.

So, grounding gives your brain and body intentional cues of safety. And because the mind and body are so connected, these sensory cues can help your nervous system settle, leading to a calmer and more regulated state.

A quick personal note on the “5-4-3-2-1” rule…

I’ll be honest…this one isn’t my favorite. Not because it doesn’t work (it absolutely can!), but because when people are really dysregulated, they can get stuck trying to remember, “Wait, was it 5 things I can see or 5 things I can touch?” And instead of helping them calm down, they end up feeling frustrated.

Here’s the thing: new coping skills rely on the part of our brain that can go a little offline when we’re in fight-or-flight: that good ole prefrontal cortex. So, from what I’ve seen in my work with clients, sometimes having something simple to remember works better.

Instead of getting hung up on whether it’s 5, 4, 3, 2, or 1, simply remember: use your senses.

Any senses!

The more senses you can bring in, the better.

It’s not really about getting the numbers or the order right. The goal is simply to bring new sensory information into your system and reconnect with what is happening in the present moment.

At the same time, if the 5-4-3-2-1 strategy works for you, then great! For some people, focusing on the numbers and the order is actually helpful. That extra focus can create a little distraction from whatever is happening internally, which can help them start to regulate.

So if we don’t have to follow the 5-4-3-2-1 rule, what should we actually do?

This is where grounding gets really interesting. I’ve put together 30 creative grounding and mindfulness ideas and some of them are probably things you’ve never thought of as a coping skill.

Below the paywall you will find 30 Creative Mindfulness and Grounding Skills that’ll make you look forward to practicing these skills.

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To be honest, as I start writing, I’m kind of in a strange place.

I knew I wanted to write this week about grief. It’s been a theme in my work. It’s a theme for this week as we get close to two years since my late puppy’s death. And August 30th is National Grief Awareness Day. So it all just kind of adds up to a good reason to write a newsletter, right?

Normally, my newsletters are planned, plotted, and laid out. But I found myself putting this one off. I wasn’t sure what direction I wanted to take. Do I write about grief from an educational standpoint or a more vulnerable one?

It’s easier to keep it heady. To educate.

But maybe I’ll take the brave route and choose vulnerability this time. In the hopes that my story about grief will reach the people who need it. To help anyone who is walking through dog (or pet) loss feel a tiny bit less alone.

So this week’s newsletter is dedicated to my sweet, sweet puppy, Socks.

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As I write this, I’m crying harder than I have in a while. And it’s surprising me.

Tapping into my own grief is usually easier. I’ve done it with many clients to empathize with their stories. And lately, it hits even closer to home when it’s the beloved pets of my clients. But bringing it up this week, I noticed that swell of grief more intensely. And I guess that makes sense. It is her death anniversary.

Before I talk about her death, I’d love to share with you her life.

I got Socks when she was just a weeeee baby.

She was a found puppy in the woods. It was freshman year of college in 2012. It was my first semester in college, and I was struggling. The transition into college was difficult for a host of reasons, but one weekend in the middle of nowhere Arkansas, Socks and I found each other.

She was the puppy that I saved, and I knew in my heart that I had to keep her. I went as far as scheming myself out of my dorm and into off-campus housing just to have her.

Socks saw me through the years of college, which honestly didn’t get much better for me until the end of my junior year. She saw me through heartaches, late nights, and tears.

God, so many tears.

She was the best comforter. And so intuitive. I used to joke that if she wasn’t a walking allergen, she would have made a great therapy dog. She got me through so much.

She was my secure base. My girl. My Socksy Squirrel.

She had a lot of quirks, too, that made her such a fun dog.

1. The first being her strange (but cute) looking body. We never got full confirmation of her breed but we suspected some kind of pit mix. She has the head and paws of a pitbull but had the body of a corgi, with short stubby legs.

2. Socks was mostly well behaved (despite the lack of training I gave her), but there would be days, once in a blue moon, that she would RAMPAGE.

She ate textbooks.

She ate chocolate chip cookies.

She ate an entire rotisserie chicken, bones and all.

She ate houseplants whole, dirt and all.

This dog was a garbage disposal, and each time, I would be terrified, not knowing if we would need an emergency vet visit. I always watched her closely, but she always seemed fine. Content, even.

3. She would snore, SO LOUD.

It was always a joke that she was our sound machine. And while most of the time it was annoying, it was also kind of hilarious.

4. She would destroy all her toys but had a plastic corn that was indestructible and was by far her favorite toy. We didn’t even buy the toy for her. It was a Dirty Santa gift. But either way, she would walk around the house with her corn in her mouth.

5. She could be so vocal.

Her alter ego was nicknamed “Raul” because she would rrrraaawwwwwooooollllll when we got home.

Man, do I miss her greetings.

Her tippy-tap toes on our kitchen floor.

I miss those the most.

6. She was an amazing hiker. I wish we could have taken her on more hikes in her life, but when we did, she always stayed near us.

7. She loved her grandma. Oh man, did she love her grandma.

The videos that my mom would send anytime she stayed at her house are such a highlight in my mind. My mom would take her to the lake near their house, and we would always get videos of her jumping off the dock into the water.

She was the best. My buddy. She lived for 12 years.

And I lost her one random Tuesday morning at 1:49 a.m on August 20, 2024.

reading further may induce tears, read at your own risk

The night she passed was just a regular night.

We had started giving her carrots in her food because she got green beans and carrots in her food at Grandma’s, and she had been protesting eating regular food. So that night, I gave her food and carrots. Looking back, we wonder if she ate too much that night, but I’ll never know for sure.

My husband and I had fallen asleep on the couch after a long day at work and woke up to get in bed. Socks wasn’t acting strange yet, but it seemed like she was a bit uncomfortable.

When we took her out to potty, she couldn’t. She tried to throw up, and nothing was coming up. Over the next 30 minutes, we watched as her stomach started to bloat. This was strange, but at the time, I didn’t know how severe the situation actually was.

After an hour of debating what to do, we decided to take her to the vet. It was a Monday night. We had work in the morning. We didn’t know if she was just gassy.

Again, up until this point, she had survived worse, and all she ate was carrots.

Could it really be that bad?

By that time, Socks was whining and clearly uncomfortable. I got her in the car and headed to the emergency vet. What still breaks my heart is the image of her waddling in and collapsing on the floor.

The guilt hit.

All the should-haves were flooding my mind.

It wasn’t long until the doctor told me that her stomach had flipped and she was experiencing what they call GDV (Gastric Dilatation-Volvulus) or “bloat”. I had never heard of it until that moment. But it’s deadly, and due to her age, the recommendation was not to operate on her.

I had thought this would be an annoying ER visit that would end in a big bill. I didn’t realize I was walking into the funeral of my beloved friend.

I immediately called Tanner, and we navigated our grief together. I was wearing a sweatshirt I made and, at the time, was planning to sell, that said “I go to therapy.” I remember thinking as the vet delivered the bad news “I wonder if its easier to tell me this as I wear a sweatshirt that says I will be processing this later in therapy”

The thing is, Tanner and I had talked about this moment years prior. We were, in some ways, prepared to navigate this loss.

But it all happened so suddenly.

That is what made it hit so painfully.

The sharpness and suddenness of this life change.

The vet has rooms specifically for saying goodbye to pets. So we were moved there and waited for them to bring Socks in for us to say our goodbyes. I cried so hard without her in the room, but when she came in, I wanted to be calm. I didn’t want her to have to feel the need to care for me as I held her paw until her last breath.

And I hated it.

I hated seeing her eyes close for the last time.

I hated the silence before the vet said, “She has passed.”

I hate it.

I still hate it.

I hate that I had to go home and force myself to sleep.

I hate that I had to learn how to get used to silence in my home.

I hated that I couldn’t hear her snore again.

In the beginning, there were times I dreaded coming home because the emptiness of the house physically hurt.

I once heard someone say, “Grief is like the friend you didn’t ask for,” but it is one that you have to learn to live with. Being in opposition with it will only make it worse. Learning to welcome grief in is how you learn to hold it.

Because my grief is evidence of my love.

And I will learn to bear the weight of my grief because it means that my love is still real.

Learning to Grieve and Restore

The first month was the hardest.

It came with changes in routines and changes to the environment.

No more pitter-patters.

No more snores.

I focused on allowing myself to go back and forth between grieving and restoration. This is part of the Dual Process Model of Grief. I originally intended to talk about this model in this newsletter, but to summarize: we go back and forth between grief orientation and restoration orientation.

Grief orientation

I would start crying as I got ready for work because I didn’t have to feed Socks.

I would look at pictures of Socks and cry.

A song would come on that would remind me of Socks.

I would journal about her.

I would miss our walks at the park.

Restoration orientation

I would listen to uplifting music on my way to work.

I would watch a new show with Tanner.

I would go on a walk.

I would see friends and laugh until my belly hurt.

I would dog-sit for friends just to be around a dog.

I would bounce back and forth from my grief to living. From my grief to restoring. From grief to values-based actions. Bouncing back and forth for a long enough time meant that I started living more in restoration rather than grief.

But it doesn’t mean that we will never bounce back to grief. The thing is, grief never really goes away. At least, I believe there are some types of grief that never fully go away. The degree of the attachment will be reflective of the degree of potential grief. So when we love someone or something and lose them, it means that as life continues and we enter into new seasons, there will be one less person or thing there with us.

Which means that grief will come with you into new stages of life. I thought that getting our new dog, Helly, would mean that I wouldn’t grieve Socks.

But I do. Clearly, as this newsletter has revealed.

But I’m so grateful for Socks’ life because it’s allowed me to cherish Helly’s more deeply.

It took us a year of grieving before we discussed getting another dog. And I enter into dog parenthood knowing that if all goes well, I will outlive her. I know that I’m signing up for grief. But it also means that I am signing up for love.

Memories.

Inside jokes.

And my heart expanding.

And I will bravely love if that means that I will have to bravely grieve. And when Helly’s time on this earth is concluded, I hope to be there. Holding her paw, like I did for Socks.

Making Room for Grief

We still have things of Sock’s.

I still have her food bowls. Her bandanas. Her ashes.

We took our time cleaning out other things. I think I had her dog food in our cabinet for a year. I didn’t donate her dog beds until six months in. I took my time, and I didn’t rush to change the spaces in our home. And I’m glad I did it this way because while it was painful to see these little reminders, it gave me opportunities to grieve.

To remember her life.

I did that until I felt ready to take additional steps.

Looking back, there were a few things that made a difference in my grief. I had family and friends who loved to hear stories about her and never made me feel weird for crying, no matter how much time had passed since her death. I had spaces to process and grieve.

I did this in therapy.

I did it with friends.

I did it with family.

I did it with my husband.

Grief is a state that needs community. It needs to be seen, heard, felt, and comforted. And I’m glad that I had the support that I did.

I created. I made a video of her life that I’ll share with you here. It was what I shared to social media, but it’s one that I watch more often than I think people know.

It makes me happy.

It makes me sad.

And I love it because it shows her personality and shows my love for her.

I memorized.

I have a picture of her in different spaces, like our house and my office. I also had her ashes turned into a ring that I still wear. I got a tattoo, which I love and which allows me to talk about her anytime someone asks me about it.

If You’ve Lost a Pet

So if you are reading this and you have lost a pet or know someone who has, I hope this entry helps you feel a little less alone.

Pet loss is often seen as disenfranchised grief. It’s a type of grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. Oftentimes, because society doesn’t recognize the loss or the relationship as significant, the mourner is left without support or permission to grieve.

Pets have always been present in my life, which means they are family to me and to many others. Dogs especially, in my opinion, are the best examples of unconditional love. Socks was one of my main supports for over a decade of my life, and her loss was and is felt. I’ve seen that to be true as a therapist who has helped others navigate pet loss.

Pets are often a secure base for people and a coregulation figure, so to lose this can be devastating.

I miss Socks often.

And we talk about her often.

There is research that supports maintaining ongoing attachment with the people and pets we lose supports grief because it helps update the internal map that we have of that attachment.

So we have little rituals.

Anytime something is off in the house, we say, “IT’S A HAUNT,” because maybe somewhere behind the scenes is Socks causing mischief again.

We say that when we talk about her, she gets treats in heaven, so we talk about her often. I can only imagine the treats she is going to get from this newsletter.

I believe that this life doesn’t end when our bodies die, and I believe that I will see Socks again one day.

As I get to the end of this entry, this newsletter didn’t take the shape I thought it would. But I chose vulnerability and bravery in the hopes that it finds the people who need it. It’s not a how-to read (like so many of my other newsletters).

But it’s a human one.

And as I finish up, I’m listening to “Tears Ricochet” by Taylor Swift.

It’s been on repeat for the two hours as I wrote this.

It’s the song that reminds me of Socks now.

And as I do a final check in with myself as I conclude this newsletter…I’m doing okay. The grief is lighter. I’ve smiled several times re-reading and editing this. It’s nice to see old photos and to share them with anyone reading this.

Rest in Love Sweet Socksy Squirrel. Thank you for the love you gave me. It’s changed me. And I will continue to change others operating from that place of love.

Thank you for listening and remembering her life with me.

X

Hanna

Grief Resources

Here are some podcasts on grief that I share with clients

For Dog Loss Specifically, I’ve shared these resources recently

I have not read these myself, but have shared these books:

The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor

Griffin’s Heart: Mourning Your Pet with No Apologizes by by Reagan J Pasternak

When Pets Pass Away: A helpful guide to coping with the passing over of our pets

by Emily McQuinn

(PS this book talks about the 5 stages of grief, our field is turning more toward the dual process model of grief, but I do think the information could still be useful).

Online support groups

https://petcloud.pet

https://www.pet-loss.net/resources/ZOOM.shtml

One of the core ideas I explore in my ebook, My Inner Critic and Me: Healing the Relationship with Self Using a Neuroscience and Trauma-Informed Perspective, is how much our brain wiring influences the way we talk to ourselves. Enter the Default Mode Network, a key player in shaping our self talk.

If you’ve ever caught yourself spiraling in self criticism or replaying a conversation on repeat, you’ve met your default mode network.

The default mode network is a set of brain regions that lights up when we’re not actively focused on an external task. Think: daydreaming, mind-wandering, imagining the future, or reflecting on yourself. In other words, it’s your brain’s “background narrator.”

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How Trauma, Stress, and Shame Hijack Your Default Mode Network

Your default mode network is designed to help you reflect on yourself, your relationships, and your experiences. It’s what allows you to imagine the future, learn from the past, and make meaning of your life. But when trauma, chronic stress, or deep seated shame enter the picture…this powerful network can get hijacked.

Instead of gentle self reflection, the default mode network can become a rumination engine. Past experiences of fear, neglect, or criticism create patterns in your brain, and the default can repeatedly replay these stories as if they are current realities. Thoughts like:

• “You’re not good enough.”

• “People will abandon you.”

• “You’ll never get it right.”

…aren’t just fleeting doubts, they’re the echo of your brain’s autopilot, shaped by experiences that left an emotional imprint. Over time, the network strengthens these loops, making it feel nearly impossible to break free.

This is why you might notice the same self critical thoughts arising again and again. Trauma, stress, and shame essentially “train” the default mode network to “default” to criticism, leaving you stuck in loops that reinforce self-doubt and insecurity. It’s not a flaw in you, it’s your brain doing exactly what it was wired to do: make sense of threat, protect you, and anticipate harm.

The good news is that awareness and intentional practice can create gaps between these thoughts and your sense of self. By noticing these patterns, you begin to reclaim choice, responding with curiosity, compassion, and grounded presence rather than getting swept away by autopilot self criticism.

Below The Paywall you will find

1. The relationship between self talk and the default mode network

2. The role of mindfulness in finding agency from your default mode network

3. Why self compassion is nervous system medicine

4. 13 linked resources on the default mode network, self compassion, and mindfulness

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First, we need to clear up some misconceptions about triggers because that is a word that has become popularized and, unfortunately, misused. Not every big emotional response is a trigger, but triggers are often accompanied by big emotional responses.

Let’s back up for a moment and talk about the brain.

The brain’s job is to constantly take in information, sort it, analyze it, and help us decide what to do with that information in a fraction of a second. It’s an incredible supercomputer that is always working behind the scenes to keep us alive and safe. But one unfortunate truth about being human is that every one of us will experience painful or overwhelming moments. Sometimes those experiences are so significant that the brain can create a type of “watch dog” to protect you. Its job is to stay alert for anything that even remotely resembles what hurt you before so it can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

When this watchdog system notices something that feels familiar to your past pain, it sounds the alarm. This is what we often experience as being triggered. The difficult part is that these alarms can happen in completely different environments with completely different people who had nothing to do with the original experience. That is why triggers can feel so confusing. Your body is reacting to something old while your mind is trying to make sense of something new.

It is also important to remember that not every big emotional response has a direct link to something from your past. Sometimes what is happening in the present really is difficult to experience. Other times, we simply have less emotional capacity because we are stressed, exhausted, burned out, grieving, sick, or overwhelmed. When our window of tolerance gets smaller, our nervous system becomes more reactive. Sometimes the situation itself is not actually bigger. Our capacity to handle it is just smaller in that moment. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means your nervous system needs care before it needs criticism.

QUICK NOTE not every big emotional response can be visible from the outside. Dorsal vagal shutdown is real and paralyzing, but on the outside it may look like someone is blank or absent.

Below is a step by step guide that I use both personally and professionally to help people respond to triggers with more awareness, safety, and self compassion. There is 23 linked resources (YouTube videos and podcasts that I recommend to my clients on this topic).

A special thanks to my paid subscribers, without you, this substack would cease to exist. As I finish working on this post, it’s 11 PM after a full day of clients, but I am able to show up because of the generosity and belief of those who continue to read my writing.

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One of the first pieces of psychoeducation I offer to clients is this: your brain is wired for survival, not happiness.

At first, that can sound discouraging, but I actually find it incredibly validating. It explains why so many of the things we dislike about ourselves are often the result of a brain that has been trying to protect us all along.

I want you to think of your brain like a control center. Its job is to communicate with the rest of your body while also interpreting messages coming in from the world around you. Every second, it has to decide,

Is this safe?

Is this dangerous?

What should I do with this information?

Do I move toward this or away from it?

To make those decisions quickly, your brain relies on a set of guiding principles. Some of those are built into us from birth through evolution, while others are learned through our experiences. The goal of this week’s newsletter is to explain some of those built in survival systems and some of the protective strategies our brains develop over time.

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The Survival Systems We Are Born With

The amygdala: Your brain’s threat detector

One of the most well known survival systems is the amygdala. I often describe it as your brain’s smoke detector. It’s a structure in our midbrain that is small and almond shaped and its job is to process emotions, fear, and survival instincts. It’s part of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn system and its job is to notice any possible danger and alert the rest of your brain and body that something may require your attention.

This is an incredible system. Without it, our ancestors probably wouldn’t have survived. The problem is that smoke detectors don’t just go off during house fires. They also go off when you burn toast.

The amygdala works the same way. Sometimes it accurately identifies danger. Other times, especially after chronic stress or trauma, it becomes more reactive. It starts sounding the alarm for things that aren’t actually life threatening but have been associated with emotional pain in the past.

Maybe it’s a raised voice.

A disappointed look.

Conflict with your partner.

Feeling left out.

Receiving criticism.

Your thinking brain may know you’re physically safe, but your threat detector remembers that experiences like these once led to pain. And to our brain, pain is pain, even if it’s emotional.

So it sounds the alarm anyway.

To learn more about this response, see below podcast.

Below the paywall you fill find

1. Learn more about the other 15 common defenses and brain protections that I see as a therapist

2. 10 Additional linked resources (YouTube, podcasts, diagrams) to supplement learning

A special thank you to my paid subscribers! Without you, I wouldn’t be able to continue putting out these types of resources. Thank you for believing in me and the power of this newsletter in bringing affordable resources to the public, therapists, and therapists in training.

Not already a paid subscribers? Substack offers a 7 day free trial to read the rest of this newsletter.

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I hope this letter helps other young therapists because I know this would have made me feel a little less alone.

1. You Don’t Have to Know Everything Right Now

This career builds over time. Focus on mastering the foundational skills for as long as you can because those matter. People might forget what you say, but they won’t forget how you made them feel. If you can make it out of grad school with the basics and learn how to be a safe person for yourself and others, that will take you far on this career path.

2. Trainings Are Expensive but Free or Cost Efficient Resources Are Everywhere

Yes, continuing education can be costly, and that can be frustrating. But don’t let that stop your learning. Find podcasts, follow social media therapists, and dive into free content. Knowledge is everywhere if you look for it. That’s one of the reasons I started this Substack. I wanted to create a more cost effective way to support new therapists out in the world.

Here is a link to my podcast playlist

3. Supervision Is Expensive, But It’s Worth It

It’s an investment, and the right supervisor can make all the difference. I’ve had both not-so-great supervisors and some fantastic ones who are still mentors today. A good supervisor expects mistakes and helps guide you through them.

The best supervisor I had changed my life and we are great friends today. What helped me was that she gave me full permission to show up as a fully anxious human in supervision. She focused not just on cases, but on who I was becoming as a therapist. She even shared her own past mistakes to help normalize mine. She is still someone I can call today anytime I need to talk through a difficult case.

4. Create a Self Care Routine

Your anxiety will show up in the room whether you like it or not. Find ways NOW to help you take care of your mind, body, and spirit. Early in my career, my anxiety made me rush sessions and I felt pressured to be a “good therapist”. Eight years in, I’ve learned to relax, attune to my clients, and use discernment in sessions. Our brain is one of our biggest tools in this profession… keep it healthy. That means rest, fun, laughter, play, and breaks when possible. Yes, we need money, but we also need balance.

5. It’s Scary to Charge People for Your Services

Many of us get into this field because we genuinely want to help people, and that can make charging for therapy feel uncomfortable, especially with the stigma that still exists around paying for mental health care. I get it. Therapy can be expensive, especially for clients paying out of pocket. But we also deserve to earn a fair and livable wage.

Early in my career, paying for student loans and supervision at the same time was incredibly difficult (still working on paying off student loans even now). And something many people don’t realize is that therapists don’t take home the full amount insurance reimburses. In reality, we only receive a portion because a large cut often goes to the group practice or agency, and the rest gets chipped away by taxes, training costs, licensure fees, office supplies, and more.

You’re offering your time, your presence, and your expertise. The work you do has real value. Take your time with clients, and remember: you deserve to live well, too. Choosing this career doesn’t mean you have to be a martyr for the sake of helping others.

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6. Learn to Trust Yourself More Than Therapeutic Interventions

Therapy is a creative process, almost like an art form. Yes, skills and techniques matter, but you are the most powerful tool in the room. It’s your presence, your attunement, and your humanity that create safety in the room. When clients feel that, their nervous systems and defenses are more likely to soften, and meaningful change becomes possible.

7. Imposter Syndrome and Doubt Are Normal

Even almost a decade in, I still have weeks where I feel unsure or wonder if I’m really helping. I remember my supervisor saying over and over: Trust the process. At the time, it felt cliché, but now I get it. Especially with trauma work, progress can be slow but it’s so rewarding when it comes. Self doubt is normal. Keep learning, keep growing, and keep showing up anyway.

For my support with imposter syndrome to hear more about my experiences, read this newsletter.

Heal With Hanna

The Truth About Imposter Syndrome No One Tells Therapists

Imposter syndrome is typically defined as a persistent belief that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be, despite evidence to the contrary. It often shows up as feeling like a fraud, fearing you’ll be “found out,” or discounting your own success…

Read more

4 months ago · 4 likes · Heal with Hanna

8. Systemic Factors Affect Clients More Than We Can Control

We can’t control the political, racial, or economic forces impacting our clients’ lives but we can be steady, safe supporters. Also, you can use all the coping skills and interventions in the world, but if someone is in an unsafe or unstable environment, the focus needs to be on stabilization. Doing any kind of trauma work when someone is in a crisis situation will just overwhelm their nervous system and tax their mental resources.

9. Make Connections With Other Therapists

Seriously, find a therapist friend.

It helps so much to laugh, cry, vent, and celebrate with people who get it. One of my professors said, “Get to know your colleagues, you’ll refer clients to them someday.” They were right! Don’t be afraid to message a therapist in your area and see if they would be open to a coffee date or happy hour after work. Go to networking opportunities if you can. I know that sometimes this isn’t possible or the last thing you want to do on top of your work schedule, but you might be surprised by the benefit you get, especially if you walk away with a new friend!

If you’re a therapist and are looking for community, join my slack channel. It’s a free community where we can be humans first, therapists second. We just finished our first ever mental health challenge and get to share everyday life together. It’s a growing community and the door is open :) Send me a message on here or on instagram and I’ll send you the link.

10. Don’t Be Afraid to Be Yourself With Clients

Being professional doesn’t mean being robotic. You can show your human side. Clients appreciate authenticity. Smart, ethical self disclosure can be powerful, just maintain your boundaries.

11. Don’t Fall Behind on Notes

I know it’s tempting, but future you will thank you. Create a habit of writing notes between sessions or before you leave for the work day. It now takes me 3–5 minutes per note, but at first I overthought everything and spent way too long writing any notes. Learning how to document efficiently is key. This is a great topic to bring up in supervision too!

12. Clients Will Ghost You, Even Years In

It doesn’t mean you’re a bad therapist. Ghosting can mean:

• It wasn’t the right fit (which saves everyone stress in the end). Don’t take it personally and be open to offering them a referral

• The client wasn’t ready for therapy. Maybe they got freaked out after several sessions about the reality of processing their emotions, this is normal and valid.

• Life happened whether thats job changes, insurance, finances, caring for children or parents etc. may get in the way of them being able to come to their sessions

• They’re doing well and decided to move on (which is actually a good thing!). Having a termination/graduation session for closure is ideal, but sometimes it’s just not possible!

13. You Are Human, Take Care of Your Own Needs

We have lives outside of the therapy room. We’re not immune to hardship like trauma, grief, illness, caregiving, life changes. Don’t lose yourself in the job. Your work is important, but it’s still just a job. Going to my own therapy has been one of the best things I could do to support my clients. Not only does it help me with my own anxiety, but it’s made a difference in understanding where my biases and countertransference can come from.

14. Don’t Compare Yourself to Other Therapists

Every therapist has a unique style. You don’t have to replicate someone else’s way of doing things. Your personality and “brand” as a therapist matter. Especially as more and more therapists start to show up on social media, it’s so easy to fall into comparison. What has been helping me is to recognize that I don’t TRULY know how someone practices based off the content they put out on social media. And I’m allowed to be inspired by them without being jealous of their success.

15. Set Aside Money for Trainings

Even saving a small amount each month can make a big difference. Having a training fund makes it easier to invest in yourself when the right opportunity comes up. I promise, it adds up over time. I regularly set aside $25-75 from each paycheck into a separate bank account for trainings. This has allowed me to invest in my continuing education without too much stress.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask if there’s an option to break up the cost into payments. Not everyone offers this, but I’ve been able to afford trainings that cost thousands of dollars because I was able to plan ahead and use a payment plan. It never hurts to ask, and many facilitators understand how tough it can be to cover the full cost upfront.

Over the years I’ve found free training online or low cost subscriptions to supplement my learning.

16. Have Healthy Boundaries

Just because you’re a therapist doesn’t mean you need to be everyone’s therapist. Relationships should be reciprocal. Don’t carry the emotional weight of friends or family who treat you like their personal counselor.

17. Create After Work Rituals to Reset

After hours of active listening, your brain might be fried. I’ve learned to take walks, workout, run errands, or just sit in silence before heading home. I’ve had to have some heart to heart conversations with my husband who eagerly waits for me to come home so he can talk about his day, but what I personally need is at least 30 minutes to come home and not having to put on my active listening ears. I know this isn’t always possible for everyone (especially parents) but learning what helps your reset after work, even if it’s just for a few minutes, can help you transition into your evening.

18. Empathy Without Boundaries is Enmeshment

You can be there for your clients, but you don’t have to absorb all of their emotions. It’s too much stress on your body! Talk to your supervisor about emotional boundaries, you’ll be grateful for this practice down the line. Remember, vicarious trauma is very real in this profession.

19. It’s Okay to Be Unsure About Your Theoretical Orientation

In some places, like Arkansas, we’re asked to state our preferred theories early. But your style will evolve over time. It’s okay not to have it all figured out right away. You’ll discover what theories feel genuine and authentic to you as you continue down this career path.

20. It’s Okay to Find a Niche and Refer Out

Now that I’m 8 years in, I focus on trauma and anxiety because those areas energize me. I used to think I’d love working with teens and couples, but I realized it created more anxiety than fulfillment. Now I refer this inquiries out to colleagues that I know have a passion for these populations! However, I do recommend working with different populations early on especially in internship, and pay attention to what lights you up and what doesn’t.

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21. Clients will get stuck. This is normal. Don’t freak out.

My anxiety peaks when a client hits a point in therapy where they feel stuck and progress has slowed (or even gone backwards). But here’s what I’ve learned over the years:

This could be attributed to other life issues and stressors. The biggest ones I encounter with clients are toxic workplaces or living arrangements that are less than ideal (a bad roommate or high conflict relationship). Sometimes exploring what is happening outside of therapy can be incredibly useful.

• Collaborate with your client. Specifically ask what they think they need in the process or what feedback they can offer you about what is and isn’t working. As therapists, we need to set aside our ego and be willing to receive this type of feedback regularly throughout the process.

• Don’t jump from one intervention to the next! This was my struggle at the beginning because my anxiety was saying, “Something’s not working, so we need to change things up.” But I’ve learned that this can actually be disorienting for your client. Instead, go back to your foundational theory of change and reflect on the treatment process through that lens.

• Treatment plans and goals are your best friend. The first practice I worked at didn’t require these because I wasn’t billing insurance, but now I create a treatment plan for every client. When we get stuck, I revisit it with my client. We discuss which goals they feel they’ve met and which goals they still want to work toward. This often instills hope because clients can reflect on how far they’ve come while also giving themselves a clear direction moving forward. Case conceptualization is a skill every therapist can benefit from.

• Breathe. Stay regulated. Stay curious. Anxiety has a way of speeding up the process, but stuck points are opportunities to sit, reflect, and process what it’s like to be stuck. We will all experience these moments in life, and learning to sit with and tolerate the discomfort is incredibly valuable.

• Seek consultation. I’m lucky to be in a clinic where we regularly consult with other therapists, and it has been so helpful for both me and my clients. Learning from other therapists is a gift, and sometimes they can see things that you can’t because you’re so close to the case.

22. Protect your time. The cancellation policy is there for a reason.

Now this one is a bit controversial because there is so much anxiety around charging clients a fee for missing sessions. But at the end of the day, this is a boundary that you and your client agreed upon at the beginning of therapy. I promise, if you start being lax with it, it can very easily be taken advantage of.

Here are my general guidelines for cancellation policies:

• If it’s an emergency (someone is in the hospital, dying, their car breaks down, etc.), I will always waive the fee. This ultimately strengthens the therapeutic relationship because it is an act of care for the client.

• I offer clients the option to switch to telehealth to avoid cancellation fees if they can still meet but can’t make it into the office. Maybe something came up last minute, but they’re still able to meet from their phone in a parking lot. As long as confidentiality is protected, telehealth can be a great option for both the client and me. This also includes sickness. A client may not feel well enough to come into the office, but they might still be able to meet virtually.

• I try to move them to another day that week if I have openings. I’m willing to be flexible in this way because I’m likely going to be in the office anyway. As long as I have availability, I’ll move clients around to help them avoid the late cancellation fee.

• I keep a cancellation list each week. If someone cancels and I’m able to fill that spot, I won’t charge the cancellation fee.

• Depending on the circumstances, I will sometimes offer a one time courtesy waiver of the cancellation fee while communicating that moving forward, the 24-hour cancellation policy will apply.

I’m willing to be flexible with my clients up to a point. My time is just as valuable as theirs. The reality is that when people cancel at the last minute, it impacts other clients who may have wanted that appointment, and it impacts me. It affects my income, but it also affects how I structure my day. A last minute cancellation in my morning slot could have been the difference between working out before work, running an errand, or simply sleeping in. These things help keep me healthy as both an individual and a therapist, so I want to protect my time as much as I can.

23. Be strategic in your marketing.

I’ve used social media to market myself since I started practicing as a therapist, and it has helped me fill my caseload while opening doors to opportunities I never expected. But not everyone wants to be on social media, and that’s totally okay. You’ll still need to think strategically about how clients are going to learn about your practice. Thankfully, there’s a lot of free information available on how to market yourself as a therapist.

24. Don’t neglect the personal relationships in your life.

Our job requires a lot of “peopling,” and when you get off work, it’s easy to want to become a hermit. On top of that, the people in our lives like our spouses, children, friends, and pets, still deserve the best version of us rather than the leftovers at the end of the workday. Make sure you’re intentionally creating quality, restorative time with the people who matter most to you.

The statistics on therapists going through divorce are shockingly high. Just because we teach our clients about healthy communication and repair doesn’t always mean we’re practicing those same skills in our own lives.

25. Learn about the nervous system and the basic functions of the brain.

This shit isn’t taught in grad school, but it should be.

It’s been one of the best things I’ve done for my clients because I’m able to look at theories like IFS, EMDR, ART, and Brainspotting and understand the mechanisms behind the change process because I understand what is happening in the brain and body.

I also find that when you can explain the why behind interventions, clients are much more likely to buy into the process.

26. Don’t mentally review your workday at the end of the day.

I did this ALL. THE. TIME. as a new therapist.

Looking back, it almost felt borderline OCD related because it felt like I was “helping” my clients by mentally reviewing how I could “improve” their sessions. (In reality, I was anxious about my own performance as a therapist.)

There is a time and place to review your work like supervision and consultation are great for that, but doing it every day, or even most days on your drive home, isn’t actually helping you or your client. It’s just making you more anxious and less present in your next session.

Now, after sessions and when I leave for the day, I mentally wish my clients well and move on with my evening. After all, they are the ones in charge of their own lives, and this is an act of releasing control.

27. Touch grass.

Nature is healing.

It helps us disconnect from the constant stimulation of daily life. For me, spending time outside (when it’s not 100 degrees or 30 degrees) is one of the most reliable ways to reset.

28. Be open to uncertainty and mystery

Where there is uncertainty, there is anxiety.

So much of therapy is learning to sit with, tolerate, and accept uncertainty—for ourselves and for our clients. This even shows up in the structure of sessions. Yes, we may have a plan for what we want to talk about, but we have no idea what our clients are going to bring into the room. We are constantly thinking, adapting, and responding in real time throughout an entire therapy session.

Outside of work, we’re navigating our own lives just like everyone else. We experience loss, grief, relationship struggles, health concerns, financial stress, and seasons where we don’t know what’s next. Then we show up and help someone else navigate uncertainty, too.

One of the greatest gifts therapy has given me is becoming more comfortable with not knowing. I’ve learned that I don’t have to have the perfect intervention, the perfect answer, or the perfect plan every session.

The beautiful thing is that when we let go of needing to know, we begin trusting ourselves instead.

29. Create a space you actually enjoy being in.

Whether it’s your therapy office or your home workspace, make it a place you genuinely enjoy spending time in.

Fidgets, colors, plants, lighting…a cozy space for you and your clients is about much more than aesthetics. We know the brain and body are constantly taking in cues from our external environment. Safety isn’t communicated only through our words, it’s communicated through the environment we’re inviting clients into.

A therapy office that feels warm, inviting, and gives clients a small glimpse into who you are as a therapist can become part of the therapeutic relationship itself. It doesn’t have to be expensive or Pinterest worthy. It just needs to feel like a space where both you and your clients can exhale.

30. Self compassion and secure attachment to yourself make you a better therapist

If you’ve read any of my work before, you probably knew this point was coming.

I talk a lot about self compassion in my sessions and throughout this newsletter because I genuinely believe secure attachment to ourselves is one of the greatest gifts we can give both ourselves and our clients.

How are we supposed to help others build confidence, self esteem, tolerate difficult emotions, and heal their relationship with themselves if we aren’t practicing those same things ourselves?

The way I see it, the more securely attached I become to myself, the less anxious I am as a therapist. The less I need to prove myself. The less my worth is tied to the outcome of therapy. The more willing I am to make mistakes, receive feedback, and learn. The more present and attuned I become because I’m no longer spending mental energy worrying about whether I’m “doing therapy right.”

Ironically, when I stopped trying so hard to be a “good therapist,” I actually became a better one.

Our clients don’t need perfection from us. They need consistency. They need attunement. They need repair when mistakes happen. They need someone who can stay regulated when life feels dysregulating.

At the end of the day, we’re modeling what secure attachment looks like. Before we can consistently offer that to someone else, we have to begin building it within ourselves.

And maybe that’s what becoming a therapist is really about…not becoming someone who has all the answers, but becoming someone who trusts themselves enough to sit with the questions alongside another human being.

A special thank you to my paid subscribers! I do my best to offer at least one free newsletter each month because I want this information to be accessible to as many people as possible. That said, writing these newsletters takes many hours outside of my workday after seeing clients, and I truly wouldn’t be able to justify investing that time without the support of those who choose to subscribe.

If you’ve been enjoying these newsletters and they’ve been helpful to you, I’d be so grateful if you’d consider becoming a paid subscriber, only if it’s financially feasible for you. Your support allows me to keep writing, creating, and sharing resources like this with others.

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Hanna

This week my mind has been on self compassion. Maybe it’s because I’ve been having to remind myself to come back to this practice, or maybe it’s because it has been the topic of so many of my therapy sessions this week.

This week we’re going to take a deep dive into this practice and life skill. We’ll talk about where it fits into a healing journey, what actually changes in the brain and body when you practice self compassion, and why I genuinely believe this is one of the most important skills I’ll ever teach a client in therapy.

But before we begin, we have to explore why there is even a need for self compassion in the first place. And well…it’s because most of us are pretty hard on ourselves.

I wrote about this extensively in my Inner Critic & Me guide, but here’s a condensed version.

Our brain has to find systems that help us function, and one of those systems is our internal motivation and management system. Somewhere along the road, whether through childhood experiences, relationships, school, work, or simply the culture we grew up in, many of us learned that being critical of ourselves had value. We learned that if we pushed ourselves hard enough, judged ourselves enough, or stayed disappointed enough in ourselves, we’d finally become the person we wanted to be.

It’s a well meaning system.

The problem is that it relies heavily on shame and fear to motivate us. And wow…those are incredibly powerful motivators.

Until they aren’t.

Until they leave us feeling so defeated, exhausted, and hopeless that we stop trying altogether.

Because while fear can certainly get us moving, it isn’t very good at helping us keep going.

But this isn’t just about the way we speak to ourselves. It’s also about the way we treat ourselves. When we neglect our own needs. When we constantly put ourselves last. When we excuse the ways other people treat us. When we don’t stand up for ourselves. When we ignore our body’s basic needs for food, sleep, rest, movement, or cleanliness.

All of this comes back to the relationship we have with ourselves.

Because when we consistently communicate to ourselves that our needs don’t matter, or that we’re only worthy when we’re performing well, our nervous system begins living in a constant state of threat.

That’s where self compassion comes in.

Self compassion is the practice of changing how you respond to yourself during moments of suffering. It’s about learning how to relate to your emotions, your mistakes, your relationships, and your pain in a way that supports healing instead of adding to the suffering.

According to researcher Kristin Neff, self compassion has three core components.

1. Mindfulness.

2. Common humanity.

3. Kindness.

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Mindfulness

Mindfulness is paying attention, on purpose, to your internal or external experience without judgment.

It’s becoming the “curious observer” instead of the harsh judge. Instead of immediately labeling yourself as lazy, dramatic, weak, or failing, mindfulness asks,

• What’s actually happening right now?

• What emotions am I noticing?

• What sensations are showing up in my body?

• What thoughts am I having?

The goal isn’t to get rid of your emotions. It’s to see them clearly.

Why does this matter?

Because you can’t respond wisely to something you aren’t aware of. Mindfulness is at its core an attention skill. It’s about how to best pay attention so that you can view things from a centered rather than skewed state. When we’re judging ourselves, our perspective becomes distorted. We either exaggerate the problem or become completely consumed by it. Mindfulness helps us step back so we can respond from a more grounded and centered place instead of reacting from protective or survival mode.

Common Humanity

The second part of self compassion is common humanity. This is realistically and unbiasedly recognizing what it means to be human. Here are your reminders as to what that means:

• Being human means being imperfect.

• It means making mistakes.

• It means getting hurt.

• It means disappointing people sometimes.

• It means failing.

• It means starting over.

• It means experiencing the full range of human emotions.

• It means loving.

• It means losing.

• It means learning and growing.

• It means celebrating and living.

Imperfection is actually what makes growth, authenticity, creativity, and connection possible. Common humanity reminds us that we are all works in progress. That every single person you admire has failed and made mistakes. That every healthy relationship has conflict. Every meaningful life includes pain.

Fear of failure is, in many ways, fearing life itself because failure is woven into every process of learning.

But common humanity also reminds us that we are never defined by our mistakes. It’s what we do with them that matters.

A mistake is an event.

It is not an identity.

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Kindness

This is where the nervous system becomes incredibly important because uur threat system activates when other people criticize us. But it also activates when we criticize ourselves…whoops.

Remember earlier when I said fear is a powerful motivator?

Well, criticism works because it triggers our brain’s alarm system. Your brain interprets criticism as a potential threat and releases stress hormones designed to get you moving.

The problem is that your brain assumes you’ll respond with action. It doesn’t account for the fact that many of us respond by freezing, shutting down, collapsing, avoiding, or procrastinating. Too much criticism overwhelms the nervous system.

Instead of motivating us, it leaves us stuck.

But lets consider this for a moment, I want you to imagine someone falling down and scraping their knee. How would you respond? I know what you wouldn’t do.

You wouldn’t walk over and kick them while they’re already injured. Or pour gasoline onto their open wound. Its because we instinctively know that physical pain deserves care. But for some reason, many of us never learned that emotional pain deserves the exact same response.

We know how healing it feels when someone else meets our pain with warmth, patience, and understanding. Our nervous system softens. Our body relaxes. We feel safe enough to process what happened. The exact same thing happens when we offer ourselves kindness.

Kindness doesn’t erase pain, but it does create the safety needed to move through it.

When our nervous system isn’t sounding the alarm, we’re able to think more clearly, solve problems more effectively, and act with much greater intention.

What the Research Actually Shows About Self Compassion

The researcher I come back to over and over again is Kristin Neff.

She has spent decades studying self compassion, and one of the things I appreciate most about her work is that she addresses the biggest misconceptions people have about this practice.

Here are a few of the myths she consistently found. You can find the full podcast below of the summary of these myths.

Myth 1: Self compassion lets you off the hook.

People often worry that if they’re nice to themselves, they’ll stop taking responsibility for their actions.

The research actually shows the opposite.

People with higher self compassion are more likely to take accountability, apologize when necessary, and learn from their mistakes.

Why?

Because mistakes no longer become evidence that they’re a failure, or not enough, or a bad person. They simply become information. For example;

• Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”

• Shame says, “I am something wrong.”

Self compassion helps us stay with guilt without falling into shame. And that’s what allows us to actually grow.

Myth 2: “I won’t be motivated anymore If I use self compassion” aka fear motivates me better than kindness ever could.

This one is incredibly common. Many people believe they wouldn’t accomplish anything if they weren’t constantly criticizing themselves. But think about the times you’ve waited until the very last minute to finish something.

Fear got the task done.

It also made the entire experience miserable.

Self compassion teaches us to become motivated by our values instead of our anxiety. We begin doing things because they matter to us, because they align with who we want to become, and because they contribute to the kind of life we want to build.

That’s a much more sustainable form of motivation.

One study even found that athletes who practiced self compassion showed improvements in performance because they were able to recover more quickly from mistakes instead of getting stuck replaying them.

Myth 3: Self compassion is selfish.

I’m going to hold your hand while I say this one.

Okay, deep breathe.

Being insecure is actually incredibly self focused.

Not because you’re selfish but because your brain is working overtime trying to protect YOU. When we’re deeply insecure, our attention becomes consumed with ourselves.

• What do people think of me?

• Did I mess up?

• Am I enough?

• Do they like me?

Everything gets filtered through the lens of ourselves.

Also, the research that Neff conducted consistently showed that people who are more compassionate toward themselves also become more compassionate toward others. This is because when we’re no longer spending all of our energy fighting ourselves, we have more emotional capacity to genuinely show up for other people.

Self compassion actually becomes a gift that keeps on giving.

There’s a quote by Carl Rogers that I’ve always loved.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

I think self compassion is one of the ways we practice that acceptance. It helps us loosen our grip on identities like “I’m a failure,” “I’m not enough,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m broken.”

And instead of adding more pain to our pain, we finally learn how to respond to ourselves in a way that supports healing.

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The Neuroscience of Self Compassion

I couldn’t end this newsletter without talking about the brain because…well…I’m a neuroscience nerd.

When we practice self compassion, several things begin happening in the brain and body.

The amygdala, which is responsible for detecting threat, becomes less reactive over time.

The prefrontal cortex, which helps with emotional regulation, planning, decision making, and perspective taking, becomes more engaged.

Research also shows reductions in cortisol, our primary stress hormone, along with increases in oxytocin, which is often called the bonding hormone because it promotes feelings of safety, trust, and connection.

Instead of repeatedly strengthening neural pathways built around shame, fear, and self criticism, we’re literally creating new pathways associated with safety, regulation, and emotional resilience.

One of my favorite things Kristin Neff mentions is that even twenty seconds of intentional self compassion can begin influencing your nervous system.

Twenty seconds.

I don’t know many practices that require so little time while having such a meaningful impact.

So What Does Self Compassion Actually Look Like In Everyday Life?

It might look like taking a breath before spiraling into self blame.

It might sound like saying, “Of course I’m overwhelmed right now. This is a lot.”

It might mean asking yourself, “What would I say to someone I love if they were feeling this way?” and then offering yourself the same response.

It looks like allowing yourself to feel without rushing to fix everything immediately.

It looks like holding yourself accountable with warmth instead of punishment.

At its core, self compassion is really the practice of building a secure attachment with yourself. You’re learning to become someone your own nervous system experiences as safe.

• Warm, but honest.

• Empathetic, but boundaried.

• Caring, but not enabling.

The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. So if there is one skill I hope you keep practicing long after reading this newsletter, it’s this one.

Because healing isn’t just about changing your thoughts. It’s about changing the way you relate to yourself when life gets hard.

And I can’t think of a better place to start than with compassion.

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Additional Resources

• My multimedia ebook: My Inner Critic and Me: Heal The Relationship With Self Using a Trauma Informed and Neuroscience Perspective (with practical tools for building a better relationship with yourself)

• Book: Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff

• Workbook: The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Neff &

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Hanna

I hope everyone enjoys July’s free newsletter! I usually write at least one a month and this one felt important that everyone who wants to, can read this freely without a paywall. Special shout out to my paid subscribers, because without you guys, I’d have to put up my iPad and find another hobby.

I so appreciate those willing to invest in my writing because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to justify setting aside this time after long days of seeing clients. If you enjoyed this article, my paid subscribers get more like this with curated resources.

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As a therapist, one of the most common beliefs I hear is, “I’m just not good enough.”

For a long time, this belief confused me. Not because I didn’t understand why people felt that way, but because the belief itself is so…vague.

When I ask clients, “What would make you good enough?” most of them struggle to answer. They either can’t define what “enough” actually means, or they describe a standard that sounds a lot like perfection.

Think about that for a second.

If your definition of enough is never making mistakes, always succeeding, always being productive, never disappointing anyone, and always having everything together, then of course you’re going to feel like you’re falling short.

The problem isn’t that you’re failing. The problem is that you’re measuring yourself against a standard that pretty much GUARANTEES you’ll never feel like you measure up. That is what makes the “I’m not good enough” belief such a trap. Even if you are objectively doing enough, the goalposts keep moving because your brain always finds another reason you could be doing better.

Maybe you’ve noticed this in your own life.

• You finally earn the degree, but now you think you should have a better job.

• You get the promotion, but now you feel like you should be making more money.

• Someone tells you they’re proud of you, but you quickly brush it off and think, “They don’t really know me.”

No achievement ever seems to stick.

This week’s newsletter will focus on

1. Common origins of this belief

2. How people assume this belief is about worth when really its about emotional needs

3. Ways to treat this in therapy

4. 8 Linked Resources that supplement learning how to deconstruct this belief

   Thank you to my paid subscribers that continue to support my writing and efforts to bring educational content at an affordable cost. If it weren’t for you guys, I wouldn’t have the flexibility to set hours aside each week to dedicate to my writing. If you aren’t currently a paid subscriber, but want to see what’s behind the paywall, don’t forget that there is a 7 day free trial for substack.

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This week’s newsletter is inspired by a real question I got in my therapy office.

I had a client ask me, “Why do I get so nauseous when I’m anxious?” And in the moment, I gave a pretty general answer:

“We know the brain and gut are connected, but honestly, I don’t really know all the logistics.”

But if you know me, you that this is the kind of stuff I geek out learning about. And I’m someone who is willing to do the research because I genuinely want to understand the science/neuroscience behind the things I’m treating on a daily basis. Side note: none of this is taught in grad school, this is the kind of stuff that us as therapists have to find and learn on our own.

Sooooo I did a deep dive.

This newsletter is going to focus on the information I found when searching for the actual why behind the physical symptoms of anxiety. Because when most people think about anxiety, they think about worry, fear, overthinking, or racing thoughts. But anxiety isn’t just a mental experience. It’s a physical one too.

In fact, many people notice the physical symptoms before they even realize they’re anxious.

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Some of the most common physical symptoms of anxiety include:

• Heart palpitations or chest tightness

• Sweating or clammy hands

• GI upset such as gas, bloating, diarrhea, nausea, or stomach cramps

• Shakiness or trembling

• Butterflies in the stomach

• Shortness of breath or hyperventilation

• The urge to sigh or yawn

• Dizziness or feeling lightheaded

• Muscle tension

• Numbness, tingling, or pins and needles sensations

• Dry mouth

• Blushing

• Itching or hives

• Headaches or migraines

• Tinnitus

• A frequent need to pee

• Derealization or depersonalization

If you’ve experienced any of these symptoms, you’re not imagining them. They’re real physiological responses happening in your body. And what I found fascinating during my research is that almost all of them can be traced back to the same system.

The autonomic nervous system.

What is the Autonomic Nervous System?

The autonomic nervous system has two branches: the sympathetic (responsible for the fight, flight, freeze response), and parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest).

Think of the sympathetic nervous system as the gas and the parasympathetic nervous system as the break. And before we go any further, I need to take a moment to explain the fight, flight, freeze response because it turns out all of these symptoms are directly related to it.

I’ve gone more in depth about the nervous system in previous newsletters, so I’ll keep this relatively simple. When there is a perceived threat, your body is going to react in a way that mobilizes you to take some kind of action. Usually that action falls into one of four categories: fight, flight, freeze, or shut down.

• Fight means we feel capable of moving toward the threat.

• Flight means we try to get away from the threat.

• Freeze means the body becomes still in hopes that the danger passes us by.

• Shut down is more of a last resort survival response. It’s the nervous system’s way of saying, “I don’t think I can survive this, so let me make this less painful.”

• And some would include fawn. This is where we don’t believe we can really fight or flee, our goal is just to do whatever it takes to survive.

When the fight or flight response comes online, there are a few things the body immediately starts prioritizing.

• It needs blood flow to go to certain places.

• It needs to send energy to the regions of the body that are most important for survival.

• It needs the muscles prepared for action.

And it needs to do all of that very quickly.

How The Fight, Flight, Freeze Response is Responsible For The Physical Symptoms Of Anxiety

All of the symptoms we listed earlier are a direct result of these changes happening inside the body. And honestly, it’s kind of a beautiful design. Our bodies have a built in system that is constantly trying to protect us and keep us alive when we’re in danger. The tricky thing is that these responses don’t only happen when we’re actually in danger. They can also happen when danger is merely perceived.

Essentially it’s like your body can respond as if a lion is about to eat you when you’re really just sending an email, making a phone call, or having an uncomfortable conversation.

Is it inconvenient at times?

It sure can be, especially speaking as a person that has a history of panic attacks…

But it’s also important that these systems exist. The goal isn’t to get rid of them. The goal is to understand what’s happening and learn how to influence your physiology when these symptoms show up.

In the next section, we’re going to break down what’s actually happening in the body and brain with each symptom, starting with the question that inspired this newsletter in the first place:

Why does anxiety make some people feel nauseous?

GI upset: gas, bloating, diarrhea, nausea, stomach cramps

There is a nerve that connects your gut and your brain called the vagus nerve. And it’s responsible for communicating messages back and forth from the stomach to your brain. When your brain sends a danger message, your gut also responds

Why nausea happens

Your body is in a high alert state and starts changing how your stomach works.

This can:

• Slow digestion

• Make the stomach more sensitive

• Create a feeling of “unease” or queasiness

• A build up of stomach acid

Why cramps happen

Your intestines are made of muscles that normally move food in smooth waves. But during anxiety:

• Those muscles can tighten instead of moving smoothly

• Movement becomes irregular or “clenched”

• Sensations feel sharper because your nervous system is more sensitive

It’s like your gut muscles are tense and out of rhythm, so instead of smooth movement, you feel tight, crampy sensations.

A short pause. Its because of my paid subscribers that I’m able to keep writing weekly. If you are enjoying this read so far and believe steady drops of weekly emails like this could benefit you (or your clients if you are a therapist), would you consider supporting my writing as a paid subscriber?

Below the paywall you will find

1. Explanations for gas, bloating, diarrhea, and the remaining physical body symptoms I’ve listed early

2. 8 Linked Resources for nervous system regulation tips that I share with my clients

Read more

Motivation is something that comes up a lot in therapy. Many of us know what we want to do, or even what we feel like we should do, but we struggle with actually doing it because we “don’t feel motivated.”

The problem is that most of us think motivation is a feeling.

There’s this belief that motivated people wake up inspired, energized, and ready to go, and the rest of us are just waiting for that feeling to show up.

But that’s not really how it works.

I recently listened to a podcast that explained motivation from a neuroscience perspective, and it honestly changed how I think about productivity, consistency, and self discipline.

The main idea was simple:

Motivation doesn’t usually come before action. It comes after.

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Think about how often you’ve said things like, “I’ll start working out when I feel motivated,” or “I’ll clean when I have more energy,” or “I’ll start when I’m in the right mindset.”

All of those assume motivation shows up first. But the brain doesn’t work in that order.

One of the key players here is dopamine. Most people think of dopamine as the “reward chemical,” something we get after we complete a goal. But it’s actually much more involved in anticipation than completion.

It’s less about finishing and more about moving toward something.

So what we experience as motivation is often not something that appears before we start. It’s something that gets built while we’re already in motion.

The Brain Is Always Doing a Cost Benefit Analysis

Before we do anything, the brain is basically asking a few questions.

• Is this worth the energy?

• How hard is this going to feel?

• What do I get out of it?

If the effort feels too high or the reward feels too far away, the brain will naturally resist or default to the path of least resistance.

This is why things like exercise can feel so hard to start. The benefits are real, but they’re delayed. Health, strength, mood, longevity. All of those matter. But in the moment, your brain is comparing that to the immediate comfort of staying on the couch.

And comfort usually wins because it’s easy and it’s immediate.

What’s interesting is that the brain actually does give a small dopamine hit when you begin something. Not just when you finish it, but when you start.

Which means a lot of what we call a motivation problem is actually a starting problem.

The Motivation Loop

The motivation loop goes like this. Action creates reward. Reward creates motivation. Motivation creates more action.

What’s important is that it always starts with action.

Not confidence. Not inspiration. Not feeling ready.

Just action.

This is why the smallest possible first step matters so much. In therapy, we often call this behavioral activation.

Instead of thinking you need to do the whole workout, you just put your shoes on. Instead of writing an entire article, you open the document. Instead of cleaning the whole house, you wash one dish.

These tiny actions don’t seem like much, but they change what your brain is doing. Once you’re in motion, you’re brain is no longer calculating whether to start. It’s calculating deciding whether to stop.

And that’s where momentum begins to take over.

How Friction Gets In The Way Of Motivation

As I sat with this more, I realized a lot of what we call a motivation problem is actually a friction problem.

We assume we’re lazy or undisciplined, but often we’ve just made the thing harder to start than it needs to be.

The brain is always trying to conserve energy. So anything that adds steps, decisions, or effort before the actual task becomes a barrier.

And when our capacity is already low because of stress, sleep, or life demands, even small barriers can stop us completely.

This is why the environment matters so much.

If something is visible and easy to access, you’re more likely to do it. If it’s hidden or requires setup, your brain is more likely to delay it.

So instead of relying on motivation, we can design for ease.

If you want to work out, leave your clothes out. If you want to read more, leave the book somewhere visible. If you want to eat at home more, reduce the number of decisions you have to make in the moment.

The goal is to make starting feel simple enough that your brain doesn’t argue with it.

Habits Stick When They Attach to What’s Already There

Another helpful idea is habit stacking, which is just linking a new habit to something you already do automatically.

You’re not trying to build something from scratch. You’re attaching it to something that already exists.

So instead of trying to “remember” to meditate, you do it after brushing your teeth. Instead of trying to find time to read, you read right after your morning coffee.

The habit becomes part of something that’s already happening, instead of something you have to constantly initiate.

Sometimes It’s Not Motivation Problem, It’s A Capacity Problem

One thing I don’t think gets talked about enough is burnout.

Sometimes what looks like a motivation problem is actually exhaustion. If you’re not sleeping well, carrying a lot of stress, or emotionally overloaded, your brain simply doesn’t have the capacity to follow through in the same way.

And instead of recognizing that, we often turn it inward and assume something is wrong with us. We label it as laziness or inconsistency when really, we’re depleted.

Sometimes the answer isn’t pushing harder. It’s recovery.

Identity Changes Everything

Another big piece of this is identity.

When we think of ourselves as “someone trying to be consistent,” every slip feels like failure.

But when we start to see ourselves as “someone who is consistent”, “someone who works out,” “someone who writes,” or “someone who takes care of themselves,” the meaning of setbacks changes.

A missed day doesn’t become proof that you’re not that person. It just becomes a normal part of being human.

Same behavior. Different meaning. The reframe matters here.

This is where perfectionism tends to get people stuck. One missed day can turn into a story about who you are. But change doesn’t work like that. It’s not about never falling off. It’s about coming back.

That’s also where self trust is built. Not through perfection, but through return.

Weekly Resets Instead of Starting Over

One idea I really like is doing weekly resets instead of waiting for a “fresh start.”

Just once a week, taking a moment to notice what worked, what didn’t, and what felt harder than expected based on your actual energy that week.

Not as a judgment. Just as information.

Because when we can be honest about what’s not working, we can adjust it. When we turn it into a story about ourselves, we usually shut down.

I also really like the idea of having different versions of your routine depending on your energy. A low effort version for hard days, a normal version for regular days, and a high effort version for days when you actually have more capacity.

That way, even on hard days, you sti

ll get to win.

Final Thought

At the end of the day, motivation isn’t really about waiting to feel ready.

It’s about making things easier to start, building systems that work with your energy instead of against it, and learning how to come back when you fall off.

Most of the time, the hardest part isn’t keeping going.

It’s starting.

Take care friends,

X

Hanna

You’ve probably heard journaling recommended as a coping skill at least a hundred times.

And if you’re anything like many of my clients, your immediate thought might be:

“Yeah… but journaling just isn’t my thing.”

Honestly? Fair.

For some people, journaling feels grounding and clarifying. For others, it feels awkward, forced, emotionally overwhelming, or like homework disguised as self care.

But I want to take a moment to explain why journaling is so commonly recommended in therapy… because the neuroscience behind it is actually fascinating.

And maybe more importantly: journaling does not have to mean sitting quietly with a leather notebook writing pages of deep thoughts.

There are many ways to “journal,” and your brain still gets many of the same benefits.

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Why Journaling Works: The Neuroscience

1. It gives your brain an external outlet

One of the hardest parts of anxiety, trauma, overwhelm, or rumination is that everything stays trapped internally.

Thoughts loop.
Emotions replay.
Conversations recycle.
Your nervous system stays activated because your brain keeps treating the experience like unfinished business.

Journaling helps externalize what’s happening internally.

Instead of carrying thoughts solely in working memory, you place them somewhere concrete and visible. This reduces cognitive load and helps your brain stop trying to hold onto everything at once.

In simple terms:

Your brain often relaxes when it realizes, “I don’t have to keep rehearsing this anymore.”

This is one reason many people feel mentally lighter after writing things down, even if nothing about the situation has actually changed.

2. Naming emotions calms the brain’s alarm system

One of the most researched benefits of emotional labeling is that it changes activity in the brain.

There’s actually a neuroscience phrase for this:
“Name it to tame it.”

Research from UCLA found that when people labeled emotions with words, activity in the amygdala (the brain’s emotional alarm center) decreased while areas of the prefrontal cortex became more active. (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17576282/)

The prefrontal cortex is involved in:

• reasoning

• language

• reflection

• decision making

• emotional regulation

So when you journal and write:

• “I think I’m feeling rejected”

• “I notice shame coming up”

• “I feel overwhelmed and scared”

…you are activating parts of the brain associated with processing and regulation rather than remaining fully stuck in emotional reactivity.

This doesn’t magically erase emotions.
But it often reduces the intensity enough for you to respond rather than just react.

3. Journaling helps you identify the meaning your brain is making

One thing I often tell clients is:

Events themselves are only part of the story.
The meaning we attach to them matters just as much, if not more.

Journaling slows thoughts down enough to notice:

• the assumptions we’re making

• the fears underneath the emotion

• the narratives our nervous system is creating

For example:

• “They haven’t texted back” can become “I’m unimportant.”

• “I made a mistake” can become “I’m failing.”

• “They looked annoyed” can become “I’m too much.”

When thoughts stay unexamined, they often feel like facts.

Writing helps create distance between:
“This is what happened”
and
“This is the story my brain created about what happened.”

That distance is incredibly important for emotional regulation and self awareness.

4. Journaling can help trauma become organized in time

When trauma is unresolved, the nervous system often experiences the memory as if it is still happening now.

This is partly because traumatic memories are often stored in fragmented, sensory, and emotionally charged ways rather than as fully organized narratives.

Writing about experiences can help the brain create structure and sequence around what happened.

In neuroscience terms, this involves greater integration with the hippocampus, the brain region heavily involved in organizing memories in time and context.

In other words:
Journaling can help the brain recognize:

“This happened in the past.”
instead of remaining stuck in:
“This is happening right now.”

This is one reason trauma informed therapies often involve some form of narrative processing, reflection, or meaning making.

5. Journaling may lower stress hormones and blood pressure

Research on expressive writing has shown benefits for both emotional and physical health.

Studies have found that expressive writing can reduce stress responses and may contribute to reductions in blood pressure over time. (PubMed)

Researchers like James Pennebaker, one of the leading researchers on expressive writing, have spent decades studying how writing about emotional experiences impacts health and stress regulation.

This doesn’t mean journaling “cures” stress.
But it does suggest that emotional processing affects the body, not just the mind.

This video go over some common health benefits and tips for journaling

6. It helps reduce rumination

Rumination is when the brain gets stuck in repetitive mental loops:

• replaying conversations

• overanalyzing interactions

• mentally rehearsing worst-case scenarios

• trying to “solve” emotions through overthinking

The problem is that rumination rarely creates resolution.
It usually just keeps the nervous system activated.

Journaling can interrupt this loop by helping thoughts become more structured and concrete.

Instead of:

• vague emotional spiraling

• abstract fear

• mental chaos

…your brain begins organizing thoughts into language, sequence, and meaning.

That shift alone can reduce emotional intensity.

Below the paywall you will find

1. Eleven barriers to journaling and ways I address these concerns in therapy

2. 7 Linked Resources (YouTube videos and podcasts)

Read more

One of the very first skills I teach my clients is how to become a curious scientist of their inner world.

A curious scientist of their thoughts.
Their emotions.
Their bodily sensations.
Their patterns.
Their beliefs.
Their relationships.

It’s one of the most foundational skills not just for therapy, but for life.

Therapy can be hard work. Feeling things can feel vulnerable. Sometimes even scary. Many of us learned very early on that emotions were something to suppress, avoid, intellectualize, or judge.

So I usually tell clients:

“There’s one skill that tends to make therapy feel a little less overwhelming and a lot more productive. Can I teach it to you today?”

And before I explain the skill itself, I will explain the why behind it first.

When an emotion first shows up, maybe it starts out this big —cue therapist hand motions here.

But then we start judging the emotion.

“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I just get over this?”
“This is ridiculous.”
“I’m too sensitive.”
“I need to stop thinking about this.”

And suddenly the suffering becomes this big – cue moving the hand to show a bigger space

Not necessarily because the original emotion grew, but because we added layers of fear, shame, resistance, self criticism, and panic on top of it.

What started as sadness now becomes:

• sadness plus shame

• anxiety plus fear of anxiety

• grief plus self-judgment

• anger plus guilt for feeling angry

And the most unfortunate part?

All of that judgment usually prevents us from getting to the underlying issue in the first place.

It’s almost like a part of us is trying to protect us from pain by shutting emotions down, avoiding them, over analyzing them, or criticizing us out of feeling them. But ironically, those strategies often create even more suffering. So this is where the “curious scientist” mindset comes in.

Instead of approaching ourselves with judgment, we practice approaching ourselves with curiosity.

Not:

“What’s wrong with me?”

But:

“What’s happening here?”

Not:

“I need to make this feeling stop immediately.”

But:

“What is this emotion trying to communicate?”

Not:

“I’m failing.”

But:

“I wonder why this keeps showing up.”

And what we actually see in the research on mindfulness, acceptance, emotional processing, and nervous system regulation is that curiosity tends to interrupt fear and avoidance cycles.

Curiosity softens defensiveness. Curiosity creates space. Curiosity helps the brain stay online. Curiosity helps people process instead of panic.

So in therapy, I’ll often tell clients:

“Today we’re just going to practice being curious scientists about whatever shows up.”

And that curiosity can take a lot of different forms.

Sometimes a curious scientist is simply observing.

Sometimes a curious scientist notices patterns.

Sometimes they develop theories or hypotheses.

Sometimes they practice sitting in uncertainty long enough to gather new information rather than immediately trying to escape discomfort. This usually creates much more fruitful therapy sessions.

Because instead of getting stuck in shame spirals, clients begin asking deeper questions like:

• “Why does this sensation still come up even though the trauma happened years ago?”

• “Why does my mind always jump to worst-case scenarios?”

• “What happens if I relax my body while we keep talking about this?”

• “Why do I tense up every time we talk about this subject?”

• “I wonder why I don’t trust myself here, even though I’ve handled hard things before.”

This skill may sound simple, but it’s actually deeply rooted in many evidence based therapy approaches.

Below the paywall you will learn

1. How curious fits into mindfulness, ACT, DBT, self compassion, trauma treatment, and nervous system regulation

2. Twelve linked resources (YouTube videos and podcasts) related to skills for using curiosity with each of these modalities

   Subscribe now

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I’m going to do something a little different in this weeks newsletter. I’m going to deep dive into a video I posted on instagram asking therapists:

“How are you helping your adult clients build friendships?”

I was blown away by the responses and there were obvious recurring themes. I’ve spent the week analyzing the comments and want to share my takeaways in this space.

But first, here is the video so you can see where this all starts.

The Real Challenge of Adult Friendship Isn’t Just Meeting People

What struck me almost immediately while reading through hundreds of comments was this: people are not just struggling with where to make friends. They are struggling with the emotional vulnerability required to build connection in adulthood.

On the surface, the comments looked practical. People shared ideas like book clubs, pilates classes, Bumble BFF, volunteering, Facebook groups, hiking clubs, yoga classes, coffee meet ups, support groups, dance classes, and community events. But underneath all of those suggestions was something much deeper.

People were talking about fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of awkwardness.
Fear of vulnerability.
Fear of putting yourself out there and not being chosen back.

I stated in the reel that adult friendships feel like dating, and many people agreed. It’s a “numbers game.” You have to initiate. You have to tolerate uncertainty. You have to risk awkwardness. You may leave an interaction unsure if the other person liked you. You may have to try multiple times before something clicks.

Naming that matters because it validates how difficult this can feel. There’s something important about realizing you are not the only person longing for deeper connection.

If you are sitting here wanting to make friends, there are other people out there right now hoping for the exact same thing.

Many adults silently believe that friendship should happen naturally and effortlessly. If it feels difficult, they assume something is wrong with them (hello shame). But the therapists in the comments repeatedly normalized that friendship in adulthood requires intentionality in a way that childhood and adolescence often did not.

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Why Friendship Felt Easier Growing Up

As children, proximity did a lot of the work for us. We sat next to the same classmates every day. We saw teammates repeatedly at practice. We naturally accumulated shared experiences and familiarity without having to think much about it.

Adulthood is different.

Many people work remotely now. People move cities. Schedules are packed. Some people are parenting. Some are caregiving. Some are burnt out. Some are chronically ill. Some are navigating social anxiety, trauma, grief, or depression.

And on top of all that:

We no longer have built in structures consistently placing us around the same people over and over again.

And that is important because one of the biggest themes that emerged from the comments was this:

Friendship Is Built Through Repeated Shared Experiences

Not instant chemistry.
Not perfectly saying the right thing.
Not being the most outgoing person in the room.

Repeated exposure.
Consistency.
Shared experiences.
Familiarity.
Time.

So many comments emphasized recurring spaces:
weekly book clubs,
monthly craft groups,
Friday coffee rituals,
group fitness classes,
writing groups,
volunteering,
regular meet ups,
community spaces.

One therapist shared that it can take close to 200 hours to build a close friendship. I’ve heard that statistic before, though I’m not exactly sure where it originally comes from. At first, that number can feel a little daunting, but I don’t think the point is to get caught up in the exact number. The bigger takeaway is that meaningful connection usually requires repetition, consistency, and shared experiences over time. I’ve also heard this discussed on a Mel Robbins podcast (I know, she is not well liked in the therapist community, but I the information in the episode does mirror what was repeated in the comment section)

(I’ll link more podcasts and resources at then end)

Another emphasized that “building experiences builds connection.” Others talked about how seeing the same people repeatedly lowers social pressure because eventually you stop walking into a room full of strangers.

From a nervous system perspective, this tracks.

Our brains are constantly scanning for familiarity and safety. Repeated interactions slowly reduce uncertainty. Familiarity helps soften hypervigilance. Shared experiences create predictability. Over time, people begin to feel less emotionally threatening and more emotionally safe.

The Importance of Pursuing Your Own Interests First

One comment that really stood out to me talked about encouraging people to focus on pursuing activities they genuinely enjoy first, while allowing friendship to become secondary.

I thought this perspective was incredibly important.

Sometimes when people attend social events with the primary goal of “I need to make friends,” the pressure and expectations become so high that every interaction starts to feel emotionally loaded. If they leave without forming a deep connection, it can quickly reinforce feelings of rejection, shame, or hopelessness.

But when people focus first on building a relationship with themselves by exploring interests, reconnecting with curiosity, trying activities they genuinely enjoy, it changes the emotional experience entirely.

The outing itself becomes meaningful regardless of whether a friendship forms immediately.

You still danced.
You still created art.
You still moved your body.
You still explored something new.
You still honored your own interests.

And ironically, people often connect more authentically when they are less preoccupied with being liked and more connected to themselves.

Multiple therapists echoed this idea in different ways. Some talked about helping clients reconnect with childhood interests and “childlike joy.” Others emphasized curiosity, play, and authenticity over performance.

I loved that reframe because sustainable connection usually requires authenticity. Not perfection. Not becoming who you think other people want you to be.

Friendship Often Requires Tolerating Discomfort

I also noticed that many therapists were indirectly describing exposure work.

Several comments talked about helping clients work their way up socially. First driving to the event. Then walking in. Then staying for 10 minutes. Then eventually engaging in conversation. Others talked about helping clients tolerate the discomfort of vulnerability rather than waiting to feel fully confident first.

I think this is such an important reframe because so many people believe:
“I’ll put myself out there once I feel less anxious.”

But confidence is often built through experience, not before it.

Another recurring theme that deeply stood out to me was the idea of “third spaces.” One commenter specifically used that phrase, describing spaces that are neither home nor work.

• Coffee shops

• Libraries

• Community centers

• Yoga studios

• Local bookstores

• Parks

• Hobby groups

• Church or other religious groups

And it got me thinking, its clear many people are grieving the loss of community without fully realizing it. I think this is part of growing into adulthood but I can’t help but think Covid played a role in this somehow.

Either way, modern adulthood can become incredibly isolating. Especially in a culture that prioritizes productivity over connection. We have fewer built in gathering spaces than previous generations.

Loneliness has become normalized, even though humans are fundamentally relational beings.

People Are Rebuilding Community in Creative Ways

And yet despite all of this, one of the most hopeful parts of reading these comments was seeing how creative and intentional people are becoming in rebuilding community.

People are hosting “Crafternoons.”
Creating standing weekly hangs.
Starting writing groups.
Inviting acquaintances to low pressure coffee dates after class.
Joining niche hobby groups.
Finding connection through support groups.
Reconnecting with childhood interests.
Hosting retreats.
Trying parallel play style hangs where people quietly coexist while doing separate activities.

The most recommended social media/app/online recommendations were

• Facebook for finding groups

• Bumble BFF

• https://hobbystack.net/

• Meetup.com

Many therapists emphasized helping clients stay connected to themselves while building connection with others. Helping them pursue activities they genuinely enjoy instead of trying to mold themselves into what they think will make them likable.

That part really stayed with me.

Because sustainable connection usually requires authenticity. Not perfection. Not performance. Not becoming who you think other people want you to be.

Share Heal With Hanna

Barriers to Friendship: Attachment Wounds

Another important theme that emerged was the role attachment plays in friendship. One therapist commented about the difference between “friend adjacent people” and true secure friendships. Others discussed how vulnerability, trust, and attachment wounds can interfere with friendship formation.

I think this is a conversation we need to have more openly.

For many people, friendship is not just a logistical issue.
It’s an attachment issue.

If closeness has historically felt unsafe, inconsistent, rejecting, or unpredictable, building friendships can activate a surprising amount of fear. Sometimes people long deeply for connection while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by the vulnerability required to create it.

Which is why I think healing our relationship with ourselves matters so much here too.

The people who seemed to make the most sustainable progress in these comments were not necessarily the most extroverted people. They were often the people who learned how to tolerate awkwardness, rejection, uncertainty, and emotional exposure without making it mean they were fundamentally unlikable.

That is such important inner work and one I’ve written about often. See my Inner Critic & Me guide below

Barriers to Friendship: Time, Finances, and Burnout

One important theme that also came up throughout the comments was that friendship is not equally accessible to everyone.

While many people suggested workout classes, retreats, hobbies, community events, or recurring groups, several therapists pointed out the very real barriers that can make connection difficult for many adults, especially when it comes to time, finances, caregiving responsibilities, chronic stress, or burnout.

One commenter specifically talked about working with low SES clients who are exhausted from working long hours and simply do not have the same flexibility, energy, or financial resources that some friendship advice assumes people have. I see this too with my own clientele.

Not everyone can afford:
Pilates memberships.
Retreats.
Weekly fitness classes.
Babysitters.
Travel.
Expensive hobbies.
Or even the emotional energy that comes with consistently putting themselves out there after long workdays.

Many of us are fighting burnout, surviving demanding schedules, emotional exhaustion, caregiving responsibilities, or chronic stress. Sometimes the barrier is not lack of desire for connection, it’s depletion.

I think it is important that we acknowledge these realities because otherwise friendship advice can unintentionally feel dismissive or inaccessible.

At the same time, I think its important to emphasize creativity and flexibility over perfection.

Maybe connection looks like:
finding free local events
going to library groups
inviting another parent to the park
bringing your kids along
meeting someone for coffee immediately after class or work
joining free online communities
attending one event every couple of months instead of weekly
or slowly building connection into your life in ways that feel sustainable rather than overwhelming

For some people, making space for friendship may start very small.

One afternoon every other month.
One recurring text conversation.
One low pressure coffee.
One familiar face at a community event.

Because while friendship often requires intentionality, it also has to fit within the realities of people’s actual lives.

Final Thoughts

I think one of the biggest takeaways from this entire conversation is this:

Adult friendship is rarely built in one giant vulnerable leap.

It is often built slowly through small moments of consistency.

A weekly class.
A recurring coffee.
A text sent first.
A familiar face.
A shared hobby.
A low pressure invitation.
A little more vulnerability over time.

Connection usually grows gradually.

And maybe that’s comforting.

Because it means friendship is less about being the “right” kind of person and more about slowly allowing yourself to be seen while continuing to show up.

If you made it this far, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts:
What has helped you build meaningful connection as an adult?

Leave a comment

Additional Resources

Here are my favorite podcasts on the topics mentioned in this newsletter

Making friends as an adult

On Social Anxiety

On Rejection

Take Care Friends

X

Hanna

Imposter syndrome is typically defined as a persistent belief that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be, despite evidence to the contrary. It often shows up as feeling like a fraud, fearing you’ll be “found out,” or discounting your own success.

From a psychological and neuroscience perspective, imposter syndrome isn’t just “in your head”…it’s actually rooted in how our brains process threat, memory, and self concept. Our brains are wired with a negativity bias, meaning we remember mistakes and perceived failures more vividly than successes. The amygdala, which scans for threat, doesn’t just respond to physical danger, it also reacts to social threats like judgment, failure, or rejection.

So when you’re in a role that matters deeply to you (like being a therapist), your brain can interpret uncertainty as danger.

Which means… of course imposter syndrome shows up here.

And at some point, most of us will feel this.

This newsletter will focus on

1. My personal experience with imposter syndrome through the years as a therapist

2. What helped me change my relationship to imposter syndrome

3. Research backed tips for overcoming imposter syndrome

4. Linked Resources at the end of the blog

My personal experience with imposter syndrome

It was the worst my first semester as an intern and going into my first year as a licensed therapist.

Being an intern is hard. And honestly, some of the most complex cases I’ve ever had TO DATE as a therapist were when I was an intern. I was working with sexual assault survivors at a nonprofit. Many of my clients had complex trauma and addictions… gulp.

I remember telling a friend that my experience as an intern was “baptism by fire.” There would be so many days I would cry on my way home from seeing clients because I was overwhelmed by the demand and lack of training.

The imposter syndrome was RAGING, but the reality was… I actually wasn’t fully equipped yet.

Yes, I could sit and listen and provide a safe space.
Yes, I was going to supervision and asking questions.

But working with CPTSD requires time, training, and experience…all of which I didn’t have yet. Not to mention, addictions are apart of my family history and brought so much of my own pain to the surface (hello countertransference).

This is something I think we don’t talk about enough:
sometimes imposter syndrome is not just self doubt… it’s also an accurate awareness of our current limits.

I had to remind myself constantly that I needed to judge myself by my care for my clients, not my level of expertise.

I also had to remember that my clients knew I was an intern. Their counseling was free, and part of informed consent was understanding the level of training I did (and didn’t) have. Not that free counseling justifies lower quality care, but it does provide context for where I was in my development.

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When my imposter syndrome started to shift

By my second and third semesters, the imposter syndrome softened.

Partly because I was improving my skills.
Partly because I felt more comfortable with clients.
And partly because I added a second internship site in private practice.

And wow… that contrast mattered.

Instead of working with addiction, dissociation, and abuse, I was helping college students through breakups and life stressors. That range helped me realize that I didn’t want to work in high acuity settings. And that private practice would likely support both my strengths and my nervous system.

But the imposter syndrome didn’t go away, it would spike again with a vengeance

Right before graduation going into my first year as a licensed associate counselor, the imposter syndrome came back strong.

The biggest shift?
People were now paying me.

And suddenly the question became:
“Are my clients getting their money’s worth?”

There was a daily mental loop:

• “Did I help my clients?”

• “What could I have done differently?”

• “Do they think this is worth it?”

And here’s the reality:
Not every therapy session is a home run.
Change is slow.
Rapport is slow.

At the time, I was working with a lot of teen clients (love them, but not my preferred population). Many of them couldn’t change their mental health concerns because their environment was the problem.

But my brain didn’t care about that nuance…it just kept scanning and replaying what I felt I was doing wrong.

It was hard to acknowledge what I was doing well.

And honestly, I really wish my supervisor at the time had asked me one simple question:

“What do you think you’re doing well?”

Because my brain wasn’t naturally going there.

When it unraveled and almost costed me my career

My imposter syndrome didn’t stay confined to the therapy room. It showed up in supervision too…I didn’t want to let down my perfectionistic, high performing mask and let my supervisor know I was struggling.

And over time, this slowly unraveled me.

And there is nothing scarier than sitting with people in their pain when you are on the verge of your own despair.

I ended up having my own mental health crisis and had to step away from therapy for a month to reevaluate if I could stay in this field.

To say I felt like a fraud would be an understatement.

What helped me find my way back to the therapy room

Switching supervisors changed everything. I’m still very close to this supervisor and have so much gratitude for her and how much she poured into me.

She saw through my masking.
She normalized my experience.
She even shared her own mental health crisis as a young therapist.

Turns out… this is more common than we talk about.

Therapists aren’t people who have mental health all figured out.
We’re often people who had to find our way through it.

We become wounded healers…people who have known pain, made meaning from it, and now use that to help others.

I was once told:“I wouldn’t trust anyone who doesn’t have their own limp.”

And honestly… that was a breath of fresh air.

What actually helped (in real life, not just theory)

I found my way out of that season through a few things:

• Trusting that creating safety and genuine care goes further than perfect interventions

• Believing that imposter syndrome would get better with time and experience (it did)

• Accepting that therapy is a process, and I can’t control everything—my client, their environment, their relationships, and the world all play a role

• Seeking training in areas I felt less confident in (sometimes imposter syndrome is a cue for growth)

• Learning through accessible resources like podcasts, online content, low cost trainings

  Soft plug for Affirm Mental Health Membership as they were a go to for me! Use code hannaburge10 for 10% off your first month (ps this is an affiliate link, but it was genuinely so helpful and I still use it today)

• Going to therapy and doing my own internal work to address the underlying fears and beliefs that were fueling the imposter syndrome in the first place

• Doing my own therapy and internal work to get underneath the fears and beliefs that were fueling the imposter syndrome in the first place

• Learning to actually notice—and let in—moments of competence on a regular basis. Practically, this meant shifting out of mentally reviewing my day for everything I could’ve done better, and instead asking myself what I did well.

  I’m at the point now where I don’t even feel the need to review my workday. I can genuinely leave work at work. And on the days that’s harder, I have my own spaces and outlets to process it.

• Accepting that clinical doubt is part of the job and will be an ongoing struggle in this career (healing isn’t linear…even for us as therapists)

Because here’s the truth:
Even therapists 15+ years into the field still experience doubt. Many of my colleagues who I deeply respect, also say that they experience doubt from time to time.

It just doesn’t control them the same way anymore.

There’s a paradox in this work:

The more you learn, the more you realize how much you don’t know.

And that’s a perfect breeding ground for imposter syndrome.

But the goal isn’t to eliminate uncertainty—
It’s to learn how to coexist with it.

Where I am now with Imposter Syndrome

I’ve been seeing clients for 8 years now and I still have moments where doubt creeps in. But I don’t feel that same sense of being a “fraud” like I did earlier in my career. The imposter syndrome is slowly melting away to normative struggles with insecurity and doubt. I know my triggers and am sensitive and compassionate to myself when they come up.

My triggers are when:

• I have a new client with complex concerns

• I feel stuck with an existing client

And it’s still tempting to tie my value as a therapist to my client’s progress.

But the reality is:
People are going to struggle…even if you’re doing a great job clinically.

Now when doubt shows up, I remind myself:

• This feeling is temporary

• A good therapist is a caring and ethical therapist who seeks out growth

And I can confidently say…that’s who I am.

What imposter syndrome might actually be telling you

Over time, I’ve started to relate to imposter syndrome differently.

Instead of seeing it as something to eliminate, I’ve gotten curious about it.

Because underneath it, for me, is this:
I care deeply about my clients and my work. I want to be helpful.

That’s not a flaw. That’s valuable.

The doubt instead is telling me:

• I’m overwhelmed and need support

• I need to tend to my own mental health

• I’m stretching into something new

And sometimes… it’s just anxiety.

What the research says about imposter syndrome

Some key things we know:

• It often persists despite clear evidence of competence

• It’s reinforced by the brain’s negativity bias

• It thrives in high-achieving, high-responsibility roles

• It’s linked to perfectionism, anxiety, and over-identification with performance

Helpful strategies supported by research

1. Cognitive restructuring: challenge the thought

Imposter syndrome thrives on automatic thoughts that feel true but aren’t always accurate. Things like: “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t belong here,” or “I’m going to be exposed.”

From a CBT lens, these are often cognitive distortions…like mind reading, catastrophizing, or discounting the positive.

One of the simplest (and most effective) ways to work with this is to gently challenge the thought:

• Would I say this to a friend?

• What evidence do I have for and against this belief?

• Is there a more balanced way to look at this?

2. Name your triggers: awareness reduces reactivity

Imposter syndrome doesn’t show up randomly…it has patterns. For a lot of people, it gets activated when:

• You’re doing something new

• You’re being evaluated

• You’re working with higher stakes

• You’re comparing yourself to others

When you can identify your specific triggers, you move from “Why do I feel like this?” to “Oh, this makes sense right now.”

That shift matters.

Because naming what’s happening actually helps calm your nervous system. This is sometimes referred to as “name it to tame it” labeling an emotional experience reduces amygdala activation and increases regulation.

Awareness doesn’t make the feeling disappear, but it creates space between you and the reaction, which gives you more choice in how you respond.

3. Celebrate small wins: your brain needs evidence of competence

If your brain is wired to remember what went wrong, you have to be intentional about noticing what’s going right. This isn’t about inflating your ego…it’s about correcting for your brain’s natural bias.

Every time you acknowledge a small win, you are literally helping your brain encode new evidence: “I am capable.”

• A moment of connection with a client

• Showing up when it felt hard

• Trying something new

• Handling something better than you would have a year ago

Over time, this builds a more integrated and balanced self concept.

Without this, imposter syndrome keeps recycling the same narrative because it doesn’t have enough stored “data” to challenge it.

4. Normalize it socially: talking about it reduces shame

Imposter syndrome grows in isolation and silence. When you keep it to yourself, it’s easy to believe:
“I’m the only one who feels this way.”

But when you talk about it, whether that’s with colleagues, friends, or in supervision—you start to see how common it actually is.

From a psychological perspective, this taps into social baseline theory, which suggests that our brains are wired to feel safer and more regulated in connection with others.

And from a shame perspective (think Brené Brown’s work),
shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.

Sometimes just hearing, “me too,” is enough to take the intensity down by 50%.

5. Reframe mistakes as learning: reduces fear based avoidance

Imposter syndrome is deeply tied to a fear of getting it wrong. But when your brain equates mistakes with failure (or even danger), it will try to protect you through avoidance, over preparing, or perfectionism.

The shift here is subtle but powerful:
Instead of asking “Did I mess up?”
You start asking, “What can I learn from this?”

So the goal isn’t to get everything right.
It’s to stay open enough to keep learning.

6. Focus on nervous system regulation, presence, and attunement with my clients

For me, I’ve noticed that my imposter syndrome is rooted in two core emotions: anxiety and shame, both of which are highly activating for the nervous system.

Through my own therapy, I learned that the work isn’t just about challenging the thoughts, but about calming my body first. Slowing down that internal alarm so I’m not trying to think my way through things while I’m in a heightened state. The real shift came from learning to process from a more grounded, regulated place.

I’ve also realized that the most important thing I bring into the therapy room isn’t having the perfect intervention…it’s my ability to be present and attuned. That’s where I’m actually the most creative and intuitive with my clients anyway.

It’s also where I feel the most human.

Maybe this comes down to my own theories of change, but I’ve always loved the idea that at the end of the day, it’s really just about being a human soul connecting to another human soul.

And if you’re not a therapist…

This isn’t just a therapist thing. I know much of this blog has been focused on my own experience, but this is a universal experience.

Imposter syndrome shows up in:

• New jobs

• Relationships

• Motherhood

• Creative work

• Literally any space where you care and are growing

The same brain mechanisms are at play.

So if you’ve ever thought:

• “I don’t belong here”

• “I’m not as capable as people think”

• “It’s only a matter of time before they find out”

You’re not alone.

And more importantly…
That feeling is not a reliable narrator of your ability.

Sometimes it’s your nervous system responding to uncertainty.
Sometimes it’s your past experiences shaping your self-trust.
Sometimes it’s just your brain doing what brains do.

Final thought

Maybe the goal isn’t to get rid of imposter syndrome completely.

Maybe it’s to learn how to respond to it differently.

With curiosity instead of fear.
With self trust instead of self criticism.

Because the presence of doubt doesn’t mean you’re not capable.

Sometimes… it just means you care.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

RESOURCES

• Affirm Mental Health Membership for affordable training and CEUs

  Use code hannaburge10 for 10% off your first month (ps this is an affiliate link, but it was genuinely so helpful and I still use it today)

• Podcasts on Imposter Syndrome

  Podcasts Geared towards therapists

I’ve been writing here for a year now, and it’s because of my paid subscribers that I’m able to keep showing up each week.

If these emails have been helpful to you, the best way to support my writing is to share this with your friends—or consider becoming a paid subscriber :)

Take care

X

Hanna

I work in a cognitive behavioral clinic, and while I wouldn’t consider myself a “classic” CBT therapist, I deeply believe that effective therapy has to integrate both top down (thoughts) and bottom up (body and nervous system) processing.

As a psych major, I was introduced to cognitive biases early on, but it’s always a humbling reminder that many people have never learned about these patterns, let alone had the chance to understand why their brain works the way it does.

Your brain isn’t designed to be perfectly accurate…
it’s designed to be efficient and protective.

Biases are the shortcuts your brain uses to make quick decisions, predict outcomes, and keep you safe. But those same shortcuts can also shape your reality in ways that feel true… even when they’re not entirely accurate.

Here are some of the most influential brain biases that show up in everyday life. I’ll break them up into 3 categories

Safety & Threat Biases

Efficiency & Prediction Biases

Decision Making Biases & Self Perception Biases

CATEGORY 1: Safety and Threat Based Biases

(Your nervous system trying to protect you)

These biases are rooted in survival. They prioritize safety, often by scanning for threat, avoiding loss, and keeping things predictable.

1. Negativity Bias

What it is: Negative experiences stick more than positive ones.

Why your brain does this:
Your amygdala is tuned to detect threat. From an evolutionary standpoint, missing a danger = death, but missing something positive = neutral. So your brain over encodes negative events into memory (hippocampus).

Example: You get 10 kind comments on a post and 1 critical one… and you think about the critical one all day.

What to do:
Slow down and intentionally take in positive or neutral experiences. Let them land. Your brain needs repetition of safety to update.

2. Loss Aversion

What it is: Loss feels worse than gain feels good.

Example: You stay in a job you don’t like because the idea of losing stability feels worse than the possibility of something better.

Why your brain does this:
The brain encodes loss as threat. Dopamine systems are involved in reward, but loss activates pain related circuits, so avoiding loss becomes prioritized.

What to do:
Ask: “What is the cost of staying the same?”
Sometimes avoiding loss keeps you stuck more than it keeps you safe.

3. Catastrophizing

What it is: Assuming the worst case scenario is likely.

Example: Your partner is quiet after work and your mind jumps to: “Something is wrong… are they upset with me? Is this relationship failing?”

Why your brain does this:
This is your threat system trying to prepare and control uncertainty. If the brain predicts danger, it feels more in control…even if the prediction is extreme.

What to do:
Map it out: worst case, best case, most likely.
Then ask: “How would I handle this if it did happen?”

4. Status Quo Bias

What it is: Preferring things to stay the same.

Example: You keep doing the same routines/behaviors, even ones that aren’t helping because at least you know what to expect.

Why: Familiar = predictable = safer for your nervous system.

What to do:
Start small changes overtime. Change doesn’t have to be extreme to be meaningful.

5. Familiarity Bias

What it is: Preferring what’s familiar, even if it’s not healthy.

Example: You feel drawn to the same type of emotionally unavailable partner… not because it’s healthy, but because it feels familiar.

Why: Again, your brain equates familiarity with safety (catching onto a pattern here?)

What to do:
Ask: “Is this actually good for me, or just familiar?”

6. Spotlight Effect

What it is: Believing others notice you more than they do.

Example: You stumble over your words in a meeting and assume everyone is replaying it in their head… when in reality, they’ve already moved on.

Why your brain does this:
You are the center of your own experience, so your brain assumes you’re more central in others’ experiences too. It’s an egocentric processing bias.

What to do:

• Reality check: “What am I paying attention to in others?”

• Shift focus outward (curiosity about others reduces self-focus)

• Exposure: let yourself be seen imperfectly

7. Emotional Reasoning

What it is: “If I feel it, it must be true.”

Example: You feel anxious before a social event and think: “Something must be wrong. I shouldn’t go.”

Why your brain does this:
Emotions are fast signals from the limbic system. They’re designed to guide behavior quickly…but they don’t always reflect current reality (especially if shaped by past experiences).

What to do:

• Validate: “This feeling makes sense…”

• Then reality-check: “…and it may not be a fact”

• Integrate both emotion + logic (not one over the other)

CATEGORY 2: Efficiency & Prediction Biases

(Your brain trying to conserve energy and make quick sense of the world)

These biases help your brain move fast, but they can lead to rigid thinking and distorted conclusions.

8. Confirmation Bias

What it is: Looking for evidence that supports what you already believe or expect

Example: You already believe you’re “bad at relationships,” so you notice every small misstep as proof and overlook moments of connection.

Why your brain does this:
Your brain is a prediction machine. The prefrontal cortex builds “models” of the world to reduce uncertainty, and the brain prefers coherence over accuracy. Updating beliefs takes energy, so it’s more efficient to filter for agreement than to constantly reevaluate.

What to do:

• Ask: “What would I notice if the opposite were true?”

• Actively gather disconfirming evidence (not just more proof).

• In therapy terms: gently challenge core beliefs without trying to “rip them out.”

9. Availability Heuristic

What it is: Judging likelihood based on what comes to mind easily.

Example: You hear a few stories about burnout in your field and start to believe: “Everyone is miserable doing this, maybe I shouldn’t have become a therapist”

Why your brain does this:
Your brain uses memory shortcuts instead of statistical reasoning. Emotionally charged or recent memories are easier to retrieve, so they feel more common.

What to do:

• Ask: “Is this frequent, or just memorable?”

• Look for base rates (actual frequency in reality).

• Broaden your data set, don’t rely solely on just your internal examples.

10. Anchoring Bias

What it is: Relying heavily on first impressions or initial information.

Example: You meet someone and don’t click right away, so you label them as “not your type” even if they show up differently over time.

Why your brain does this:
Initial input creates a reference point that the brain uses to conserve energy. Adjusting away from that anchor requires more cognitive effort.

What to do:

• Delay conclusions: “This is just a first impression”

• Seek multiple perspectives early

• Revisit initial judgments after new information

11. Projection Bias

What it is: Assuming others feel or think what you do.

Example: You assume your partner is upset with you because they are being quiet… when really, you go quiet when you are upset and projecting that outward.

Why your brain does this:
Your brain uses your own internal state as a shortcut for understanding others. It’s efficient…but can be inaccurate.

What to do:

• Replace assumptions with questions

• Practice: “That’s my feeling, not necessarily theirs”

• Build tolerance for not knowing others’ inner worlds

12. False Consensus Effect

What it is: Overestimating how much others agree with you.

Example: You think, “Everyone would feel the way I do in this situation,” and feel confused when someone responds completely differently.

Why: Your perspective becomes your baseline for “normal.”

What to do:
Actively seek out different perspectives, especially ones that challenge you.

13. Recency Bias

What it is: Giving more weight to recent events.

Example: You’ve had a tough week in your relationship and start thinking: “Things have been bad lately” even if the overall pattern is healthy.

Why your brain does this:
Recent information is more accessible in working memory, so it feels more relevant—even if it’s not representative.

What to do:

• Zoom out: “What’s the pattern over time?”

• Track data (journaling can help)

• Don’t make big decisions based on emotional spikes

14. Halo Effect

What it is: One positive trait shapes your entire perception of someone.

Example: You meet someone who is charismatic and attractive, and assume they’re also emotionally available and trustworthy.

Why: Your brain simplifies complexity by creating global impressions.

What to do:
Slow down idealization. Look for consistency, not just first impressions.

15. Horn Effect

What it is: One negative trait defines the whole person.

Example: Someone cancels plans once and you think: “They’re flaky. I can’t rely on them.”

Why your brain does this:
Threat detection again, your brain flags potential “bad” quickly and globally to protect you.

What to do:

• Ask: “Am I reducing them to one moment?”

• Allow for nuance: people can be both/and

• Differentiate behavior vs. identity

CATEGORY 3: Decision Making & Self Perception Biases

(How you evaluate yourself, your choices, and your future)

These biases often show up in self worth, relationships, and life decisions.

16. Sunk Cost Fallacy

What it is: Staying because you’ve already invested so much.

Example: You stay in a relationship because “we’ve been together for 5 years”—even though you’re no longer aligned.

Why: Your brain wants to avoid the pain of “wasted effort.”

What to do:
Ask: “Would I choose this today if I were starting fresh?”

17. Self Serving Bias

What it is: Taking credit for success, externalizing failure.

Example: When something goes well, you think: “I worked hard for that.”
When something doesn’t, it’s: “That situation just wasn’t fair.”

Why your brain does this:
Protects self esteem and regulates emotional pain. The brain is motivated to maintain a coherent and positive sense of self.

What to do:

• Balance the narrative: “What was in my control vs. not?”

• Take ownership without shame

• Build a stable identity that can tolerate imperfection

18. Dunning Kruger Effect

What it is: Less knowledge someone has, the more confidence they may portray. Meanwhile the more knowledge someone is, the more likely to experience self doubt.

Example: A newer therapist feels completely confident in their approach… while a more experienced therapist questions themselves more.

Why: As experience grows, so does complexity. Those with more knowledge understand that things are more nuisance and complex.

What to do:
Don’t confuse confidence with competence. More knowledge means balancing self doubt.

19. Optimism Bias

What it is: Believing negative outcomes are less likely for you.

Example: You think: “I won’t burn out like others do I’ll be fine,” and skip putting support systems in place.

Why: Helps regulate anxiety and supports motivation.

What to do:
Keep the hope, add a plan: “If this doesn’t go as expected, what will I do?”

20. Fundamental Attribution Error

What it is: Judging others by character, yourself by circumstance.

Example: Someone cuts you off in traffic and you think: “They’re so inconsiderate,”
but when you do it, it’s: “I didn’t see them, I’m just in a rush.”

Why: Your brain fills in gaps about others quickly and assumes character flaws of others. Meanwhile, since you have context for yourself, the explanation is more circumstantial.

What to do:
Ask: “What context might I be missing?”

Bringing it all together

These aren’t flaws or the brain. Remember, it’s doing this for a reason and for good intent. Knowledge of these biases is power and can help you navigate your own internal world in a wise and balanced way.

The goal isn’t to eliminate them.

It’s to move from:

• Automatic → Aware → Intentional

A simple framework you can use in real time:

1. Name it → “This is a bias”

2. Normalize it → “Of course my brain is doing this”

3. Navigate it → “What choice aligns with who I want to be?”

The more you understand your brain,
the less you’ll take your thoughts at face value…
and the more freedom you’ll have to choose differently.

If you made it this far, I’m really grateful you’re here.
This space exists because of the people who choose to support it.

My paid subscribers are what make it possible for me to dedicate consistent time each week to creating these newsletters, and to keep sharing resources in a way that’s accessible and intentional.

If this content has been helpful for you, and you feel called to support my work, I’d truly appreciate it.

Subscribe now

X

Hanna

Something that I’ve said openly to my friends, family, and spouse is that I feel like society has failed us in understanding a fundamental aspect of being human… which is that we are emotional beings.

And I see this every single week in my work.

Something that is pretty universal for every client that sits across from me in therapy is a misunderstanding of emotions…

what they are

what they mean

and what to do with them.

So I wanted to take the opportunity in this week’s newsletter to educate and maybe even gently persuade you into paying more attention to your emotions.

The Value of Emotions (Why They Exist)

Emotions aren’t random or inconvenient…they’re actually built in survival tools.

From an evolutionary perspective, emotions helped humans stay alive, connect with others, and make fast decisions.

Fear helped us escape danger. Anger helped us protect ourselves and our boundaries.

Disgust kept us from getting sick. Sadness slowed us down after loss and helped us seek support.

Joy reinforced connection and behaviors that were good for us.

Even now, your brain uses emotions as a guidance system. They tell us when something has shifted. They tell us about the meaning we’re making of our experiences. They tell us what might be missing, and also what might be too much.

In many ways, emotions act as a kind of internal compass.

Subscribe now

Why Paying Attention to Emotions Actually Matters

Even though we’re not running from predators anymore, your brain is still using emotions as signals.

Ignoring them is kind of like ignoring your car’s dashboard lights.

Emotions give you important information about what matters to you. They help guide your decisions, often faster than logic alone. They also help you build self awareness and create a more secure relationship with yourself.

And relationally, they’re essential. Emotions help you communicate your needs, understand others, and feel connected.

Why We DON’T Pay Attention to Our Emotions

If emotions are so helpful, why do so many people feel disconnected from them?

Because your brain is wired for protection, not reflection.

When something feels overwhelming, your system shifts into survival mode, fight, flight, freeze, or shut down. In those moments, your brain isn’t asking, “What am I feeling?” It’s asking, “How do I make this stop?”

Avoidance becomes efficient. And the tricky part is…it works, at least in the short term.

When you distract, numb, or push emotions away, you feel relief. Your brain registers that relief as a reward, which reinforces the pattern over time.

So your brain learns:

“Not feeling this is safer than feeling it.”

For some people, it goes even deeper.

If you’ve experienced trauma or chronic stress, your nervous system may associate certain emotions with danger. So it’s not just the situation that feels unsafe…the emotion itself does.

And sometimes it’s not even avoidance, it’s disconnection.

If you were never taught how to notice your internal world, you might genuinely not know what you’re feeling. Being able to notice and be attuned to our internal experience is called interoception, which is often disrupted due to trauma.

On top of that, many of us were raised in environments where emotions were dismissed, minimized, or only certain emotions were allowed. Add in a culture that prioritizes productivity and pushing through, and it makes sense why so many people learned to disconnect.

At some point, it likely felt safer not to pay attention.

Below the paywall you will find

1. The three parts to emotion regulation

2. 8 Linked Resources (podcasts, YouTube videos, links to PDFs I give to clients)

3. 30 common emotions, what they are telling you, what the emotion “needs” to cope

   I am able to continue writing this newsletter largely due to my paid subscribers. It’s a weekly dedication and time commitment to write, edit, and publish so if you find this newsletter helpful, would you consider supporting my substack? :)

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Why Won’t Coping Skills Work?

Your therapist gives you a coping skill.

You try it out.

And it doesn’t do what you thought it would. Maybe you were expecting to feel calmer. More in control. Less overwhelmed.

But instead…

you still feel anxious.

Or the thoughts are still there.

Or maybe you feel exactly the same…just now a little more frustrated.

So you go back to session saying,

“It didn’t work.”

And underneath that can be a quieter thought:

“If this didn’t work… then what will?”

Or even:

“Is something wrong with me?”

My response as a therapist

First, it’s objectively frustrating and can feel disheartening when you try something and the outcome isn’t what you expected.

If you thought deep breathing was going to help you feel better about the state of the world…you’re probably going to be disappointed when your distress doesn’t change.

Before anything else, I want to acknowledge this:

you tried. It takes risk. It takes vulnerability. Trying something new while you’re already distressed is not easy. Taking the risk to try DOES matter because well…A lot of people don’t try. They avoid, shut down, or tell themselves nothing will help.

So even attempting a coping skill in the middle of distress?

That matters more than you think.

So… why didn’t it work?

Instead of throwing the skill out completely, I usually get curious.

Not just “did it work or not?”

But “what happened?”

Some of the questions I’m asking:

• What exactly was happening in that moment?

• What did you try, and how did you do it?

• How distressed were you (3/10 vs 9/10)?

• What were you hoping to feel instead?

• Was your mind racing… or totally blank?

Because usually, it’s not that coping skills don’t work.

It’s that something about the expectation, timing, or fit is off.

And once we understand that, we can adjust instead of abandoning the whole idea.

Common pitfalls that make coping skills feel like they don’t work

1. Expecting coping skills to fix the feeling

Coping skills are not fixing skills. They’re not designed to erase your emotions or make everything feel okay again. If a coping skill reduces your distress even a little bit (like 10%), It worked.

But that’s not always how people measure success.

A lot of times the expectation is:

“I shouldn’t feel this anymore.”

So when the feeling is still there, it feels like failure.

When in reality, the skill may have:

• slowed things down

• made the feeling more tolerable

• helped you not spiral further

Sometimes the goal isn’t relief. It’s staying with yourself while it’s hard.

2. Not giving it enough time (or practice)

They’re called skills for a reason. If you only try something in moments of high distress, it’s going to feel clunky, unnatural, and hard to access. That’s like trying to learn how to swim while you’re already drowning.

A lot of coping skills need to be practiced when you’re calm so they’re available when you’re not. Especially cognitive skills like reframing thoughts or shifting perspective. Those take repetition.

You’re not just using a tool.

You’re rewiring patterns.

And that takes time, consistency, and a lot of patience with yourself.

3. Using the wrong tool for the level of distress

Not all distress levels are the same.

If you’re at a 9/10, one coping skill is usually not enough.

This is where we need to stack skills and give ourselves more time.

For example:

• grounding + movement + breathwork

• stepping away + cold water + supportive self talk

Also, when your distress is high, your nervous system is activated. Your thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) isn’t as available, which means logic and reasoning don’t land the same way.

So telling yourself to “just think differently” in that moment?

Probably not helpful.

Instead:

• start with the body

• bring the intensity down

• then come back to your thoughts

4. Using the wrong type of coping skill

Not every coping skill applies to every moment.

Different situations require different types of support.

• Cognitive → for working with thoughts and beliefs

• Somatic → for calming or releasing from the body

• Emotional → for processing and allowing feelings

• Relational (co regulation) → for connection and safety

A common mistake is trying to use a cognitive tool when the body is completely overwhelmed.

Or trying to self regulate when what you actually need is connection.

If your mind is blank → go body-based

If your thoughts are spiraling → go cognitive (once regulated)

If you feel alone → reach for connection

If you’re using the wrong tool for the job, it’s not going to land.

5. Going through the motions instead of engaging

Sometimes you’re technically doing the skill…but you’re not really with it.

There’s a difference between:

• checking a box

• and actually engaging your attention

For example:

Taking deep breaths while scrolling your phone or while telling yourself it’s pointless Your body doesn’t fully register that as safety.

Coping skills require a level of:

• presence

• intention

• willingness to try

Not perfection, but participation.

Even gently bringing your attention back to the skill can make a difference.

Below the paywall you will find

1. Reasons 6-13 why coping skills might not be working

2. 13 linked resources (podcasts, articles, and YouTube videos) on different categories of coping skills (cognitive, emotional, somatic, and relational)

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“I’ve been triggered.”

“You’re triggering me.”

“That was triggering.”

We hear this language all the time now, especially in social media mental health spaces.

But what does it actually mean?

I think “trigger” has become a bit of a trendy word, and in the process, it’s lost some of its meaning. So I want to take a minute to clear this up, because understanding this correctly actually matters for how we take care of ourselves.

What Is a Trigger?

Being triggered means you are experiencing a state of being that is familiar and uncomfortable from your past experiences.

Your body and brain are reacting as if something from the past is happening again, even if the present situation is different.

Triggers can come from any of the senses:

• sight

• smell

• taste

• touch

• sound

They can also be environmental:

• being in a place that reminds you of something

• a certain time of year

• specific people

• certain types of interactions

Triggers can be:

• external (environments, people, situations)

• internal (thoughts, emotions, body sensations)

From a neuroscience perspective, what’s happening is that your brain is picking up on something that feels similar enough to a past experience and is making a prediction:

“This might not be safe. I need to protect myself”

What Happens in the Brain When You’re Triggered

When a trigger is activated, your emotional brain (primarily the limbic system, including the amygdala) becomes more active.

At the same time, your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for reasoning, perspective, and decision making, becomes less accessible.

This is often referred to as “amygdala hijack.”

So in that moment:

• your reaction feels intense

• your body shifts into protection mode (fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown)

• your ability to think clearly is reduced

This is why later, when you reflect, you might think:

“Why did I react like that?”

“That felt bigger than it needed to be.”

It’s not that you were overreacting on purpose.

It’s that your nervous system was responding based on past learning, not present reality.

Below the paywall you will find

1. How to recognize a trigger

2. The difference between being triggered and being overwhelmed

3. My guide that includes 8 steps to coping with triggers

4. Linked resources such as YouTube videos, podcasts, and other online resources

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If you’ve ever done EMDR, Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), Brainspotting, or any trauma therapy that uses tapping, eye movements, or alternating sounds, you might have had the thought:

“What is this actually doing?”

It’s a fair question.

Because on the surface, bilateral stimulation can look… a little strange. Following a light back and forth or tapping your legs while thinking about something painful doesn’t immediately scream “this is backed by science.”

But here’s the truth:

There is research behind it. It’s just that the field doesn’t agree on one single explanation.

So instead of there being one clear answer, there are a few different theories about why bilateral stimulation helps with trauma processing.

I’m going to walk you through them starting with the one that has the strongest research support, and then moving into the ones that are more theoretical or debated.

1. The Working Memory Theory (Most Supported)

This is currently the leading explanation in research.

The idea is pretty simple.

Your brain has a limited amount of working memory, meaning it can only hold and process so much at once. When you recall a traumatic memory, that already takes up a lot of mental space. The memory can feel vivid, emotional, and overwhelming.

Now add bilateral stimulation on top of that like tracking eye movements, tapping left to right, or listening to alternating tones.

Your brain is now doing two things at once:

• holding the memory

• tracking the stimulation

That creates a kind of competition for resources.

And what researchers have consistently found is that when this happens, the memory becomes:

• less vivid

• less emotionally intense

Over time, as the memory is recalled and reconsolidated in this less intense state, it can be stored in a way that feels more manageable. In simpler terms:

It takes the edge off the memory enough for your brain to process it instead of getting overwhelmed by it.

This theory has the strongest and most consistent research backing.

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2. Memory Reconsolidation and Reprocessing

This builds off the first theory and is widely accepted in trauma treatment more broadly.

When we recall a memory, it’s not just replayed, it actually becomes malleable for a short period of time. This is called memory reconsolidation.

During that window, the brain has an opportunity to:

• update the memory

• attach new meaning

• reduce emotional intensity

Bilateral stimulation may help facilitate this process by making the memory easier to stay with without becoming overwhelmed. So instead of the memory staying stuck in its original, highly emotional form, it gets reprocessed and stored in a more adaptive way.

3. Nervous System Regulation (Partial Support)

Another theory is that bilateral stimulation helps regulate the nervous system.

Some people notice that during bilateral stimulation:

• their body starts to settle

• their breathing slows

• they feel more grounded

There is some support for the idea that bilateral stimulation can help the nervous system shift out of a highly activated state.

But here’s where it gets nuanced:

Trauma processing isn’t always calming at the moment. Sometimes it actually brings activation up before it comes down.

So it’s not completely accurate to say that bilateral stimulation is simply “activating the parasympathetic nervous system.” (Though it has been my personal experience and the experience of many of my clients to find that back and forth eye movements are soothing). However, we do see based on brain imaging that bilateral stimulation does reduce activation in the amygdala.

Perhaps a more accurate way to think about it is:

It may help the nervous system move more flexibly between activation and regulation, which is key for processing trauma safely.

4. Trauma Integration and “Fragmented Memory” (Indirect Support)

You might have heard the idea that trauma is stored in a fragmented way.

Meaning:

• sensory memories (images, sounds, body sensations)

• emotional responses

• thoughts

…aren’t always well connected or organized.

There is good evidence that trauma can feel this way internally. The theory here is that bilateral stimulation helps the brain integrate these pieces into a more coherent whole. However, the research doesn’t strongly support that bilateral stimulation specifically works by “reconnecting fragmented memory across hemispheres.”

Instead, what’s more likely is this:

As the emotional intensity decreases (through mechanisms like working memory), the brain is better able to:

• make meaning

• organize the experience

• integrate it into a narrative

So integration likely happens, just not necessarily for the reasons we originally thought.

5. The Orienting Response

This is a more subtle and less talked about theory.

The orienting response is the body’s natural reaction to something new or changing in the environment.

Think of it like:

“What is that? Do I need to pay attention?”

Bilateral stimulation, especially eye movements, may activate this response repeatedly in a controlled way.

Over time, this could help shift the brain from:

threat → curiosity

fear → exploration

The research here is still developing, but it’s an interesting idea that fits with how some clients describe their experience.

6. The “Connecting Both Hemispheres” Theory (Least Supported)

This was one of the original explanations for EMDR.

The idea was that bilateral stimulation helps the left and right hemispheres of the brain communicate more effectively, which then helps process trauma.

While this sounds appealing, current research does not strongly support this as the main mechanism.

The brain is already constantly communicating across hemispheres, and studies haven’t consistently shown that this is what’s driving the therapeutic effect.

So while you may still hear this explanation, it’s considered outdated compared to newer models.

So What’s the Most Accurate Take?

If we zoom out, here’s the most grounded, research informed way to understand it:

Bilateral stimulation likely works because it helps your brain hold a difficult memory while slightly reducing its intensity, which allows you to process it instead of becoming overwhelmed by it.

From there, other things can happen:

• the memory becomes less vivid

• your emotional response shifts

• your nervous system becomes more regulated

• you’re able to make new meaning

It’s not just one mechanism. It’s probably a combination.

Below the paywall you will find

1. Ways to practice bilateral stimulation to support self regulation

2. Guided videos/tutorials and additional links to products/websites to support bilateral stimulation as a self regulation tool

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What Does It Actually Mean to Be Authentic?

“Just be yourself.”

It’s advice we hear all the time. It shows up in motivational speeches, self help books, and social media captions. It sounds simple. But if you stop and think about it for a moment, it’s actually pretty vague.

What does it really mean to be authentic?

Is it saying whatever comes to your mind without filtering?

Is it rejecting social expectations completely?

Is it expressing every emotion exactly as you feel it?

Psychologists have actually studied authenticity for decades, and what they’ve found is that authenticity isn’t just about self expression. It’s about alignment. Alignment between what you think, feel, and express. Its when your inner world and your outward behavior are working together instead of against each other.

One simple way to think about authentic expression is through four steps:

1. Self awareness

2. Self Acceptance

3. Aligning actions with values

4. Courage to be disliked

Those four things sound simple on paper, but they’re actually the work of a lifetime.

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It Starts With Knowing Yourself

You can’t express who you are if you don’t actually know who you are.

That might sound obvious, but many of us spend years learning how to adapt to expectations rather than understanding our own values and motivations. We learn what gets approval. What avoids conflict. What keeps the peace.

Psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the pioneers of humanistic psychology, used the word congruence to describe authenticity. Congruence means that your internal experience and your outward behavior match.

In other words, what you believe, what you feel, and how you behave aren’t constantly contradicting each other.

When those things are misaligned, we tend to feel it as tension or stress. That’s what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. It’s the uncomfortable feeling of living in a way that doesn’t quite match what we actually believe.

Authenticity begins when we slow down enough to ask ourselves questions like:

What actually matters to me?

What do I believe?

What kind of life do I want to build?

There are a lot of journals out there, but one that I’ve used personally was called Burn After Writing by Sharon Jones.

https://amzn.to/3N6nCVt

Below the Paywall you will find

1. How identifying values is part of authentic expression

2. The role of vulnerability and emotional expression

3. The importance of courage and mental flexibility

4. Seven additional linked resources such as books, podcasts, and YouTube links on authenticity

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