After talking to the major studios you find out that, although they agree the film is brilliant….. not enough people in America will be interested in whale hearts and the poetics of brine, or your lead actress isn’t skinny enough and we just don’t see how a large enough audience will “Get it". They suggest you do some rewrites and perhaps make it about a promiscuous whale trainer who time travels to the Trojan War times - this way they could probably get you sponsored by Trojan condoms….probably.

This is a very normal thing to happen in the film industry, your life’s passion of whale hearts and brine (idk guys just want came through) will got to a closet in your studio apartment to die because that whale just wasn’t hot enough, and the audience simply just wont be there.

This article will break down how peptides are slowly giving me my life back after years of chronic pain and illness, and how for some people they are flat out cured. This will also give you a window into what FDA approved actually means, and how if it is approved it might mean the medication is more dangerous than the unapproved medications. It will also touch on how the mere mention of peptides on instagram or tik tok have gotten me shadow banned, and are getting many peoples accounts completely removed, even when they are clear that they are not doctors and how they are just sharing their experience. Ill also share my protocol at the end and how I am going about my peptide treatment. But back to the Dallas Buyers Club of it all:

Last night I called a friend who also has my condition, craniocervical instability often caused by Heds (Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome), to vent about the mistreatment from doctors, and the endless fighting to live that we experience, (vent might not be the proper word here-Keen?) to which she suggested I re-watch the Dallas Buyers Club.

I remember loving the film; the acting, the beauty of a true story, but all I could recall about it was that it was about a man fighting for medical care as an AIDS patient; and about the freedom attained when one is pushed to the brink of the human experience. This is something I always identified with, perhaps from a difficult childhood, but now as I watched it I was relating in very direct way. I was stunned to realize that one of the main treatments Ron Woodroof was fighting for access to, was in fact… a peptide. Peptide T. This peptide protected brain cells from the effects of AIDS.

I am not claiming that cranio cervical instability is not the same as the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s, but I also wouldn’t say its vastly less harrowing. I invite you to visit the instagram page SpineforSophie, or read the work of the recently passed on Walker Storz from CCI and ME/CFS, also known as chronic fatigue syndrome, one of the many trickle down diseases caused by craniocervical instability. To be clear ME/CFS isnt only caused by CCI, it is a hugely under researched disease with one of the lowest qualities of life. I won’t get into the experience and physical experience of Cranio cervical instability as condition as it is very dark, but I will say that I was bed bound for a year, and writing this article is only possible from the use of peptides and finally finding a chiropractor who knows about my condition in April of this year. This cognitive and neurological ability comes in windows and I have to be very careful not to push myself as the crashes can last anywhere from days to months. I also have to limit looking down or up and have to treat my body like a fragile egg, if i jolt my neck just a little, it will have disastirous effects. Opposite of main stream PT by the way. Def not a yoga situation.

CCI is a relatively new diagnosis that most main stream doctors either do not believe is or real or simply do not know about. This brings be back to my first point of the US medicals system and the FDA working the same as the Hollywood film industry. If your disease isnt popular, isnt easy to define and fix, the proposed medical treatments will not get funded enough to even pay for an FDA test. Thats right you read that right. You must have enough funding to pay the FDA to review your product. The Dallas Buyers Club actually does a wonderful job of explaining this. An average cost for an application to be reviewed by the FDA is around 4 million dollars. Thats not even the cost of the trials, which the FDA doesn’t conduct, the proprietor of the medication does. So lets just say the medication better not be about whales and the poetics of brine.

And to take it a step further, if the treatment really works, there is little use for a drug to be created because it won’t keep the customer coming back. So the product must work enough for the sick person so seek it, but not enough to fully cure them.

So if your condition doesn’t even have a name, there is no way to diagnose it, if there isnt a way to diagnose it, there isnt a way to create and insurance code to even get a medication that hasnt been created yet.

For length purposes and focus, I will skip explaining how to get tested and treated for craniocervical instability. If you are curious please DM me and i wlll share my notes and write an article on it when I have the bandwidth. Its pretty indie.

Back to the Dallas Buyers Club of it all. As I watched the main character in the library researching, trying to find answers when the doctors didn’t know how to treat HIV and of course didn’t care as it was only seemingly effecting gay people, I realized this is why she suggested the film. I related to chasing the clock of my body with whatever energy or cognitive ability I had for the day to research, to pray, to pray and pray and reserch for answers to find out what was making my body deteriate. Also needing to think about how I was going to make it to the kitchen to get food in my body before I needed to collapse again. Three years of this. By sharing my story I hope this can shorten the time for people to find treatement. I’m very lucky it took 3 and half years. For most it will take closer to ten years and by that time much is irreversible.

Here is the video piece the guardian filmed of me on how peptides are helping me. This is a few weeks before finally getting diagnosed with C.C.I and beginning treatment. I believe the peptides gave me enough strength to keeping going and to keep fighting, and now that I am looking at regenetive medicine to strengthen my neck ligaments, and I have found people who know how to improve my quality of life i only see them giving me a full life back as time goes.

My doctor predicts a three year recovery process. This not guaranteed, but I will never stop fighting to get a full life back. I hope this can inspire others to just please never lose hope. Keep sharing your story no matter how those around you feel about it. It will bring answers. One of my favorite quotes that has kept me going is “If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it,” Zora Neale Hurston. I mean….wow. An article for another day, with out a diagnosis, there is rarely any dignity. In my experience, I have been othered, ridiculed and told I was mentally ill by those closest to me. Not to get too dark here, this is not a journey for the weak, but on the others side I am finding an immense gratitude for my expanded compassion and my absolute not caring of what anyone thinks of me.

On this topic of not caring of what people think of you. There is a moment on the chronic illness and pain path were you realize after seeing countless specialists and trying treatments, and seek disability benefits continually being denied and if approved yay $900 a month, that no one is coming to save you. At this point in my journey, my psychic abilities really came online, which is also very common. YOU ARE NOT LOSING YOUR MIND YOU ARE FINDING IT! SAY IT WITH ME. This is the point where I found nervous system work, which in it of itself is about finding access to your deep wisdom and intuition. Our bodies are designed to heal. Our bodies know what we need. ( I also highly reccommend the online nervous system program called Primal Trust.) I dont get a kickback. I just believe nervous system healing will lead you to your medicine, your doctors your healthy self.

Ok more epic Matthew McConaughey images. GOD I MISS ACTING. I MISS SO MUCH BUT THE FACT I CAN EVEN WRITE THIS RIGHT NOW IS A HUGE MILE STONE.

How did I find peptides? By stumbling across a podcast episode from Jordan Younger’s The Balanced Blonde. Hearing her story I knew this was a huge part of my healing.

If you have chronic pain and illness and are interested in using peptides please get her paid substack and listen to these podcast episodes - Ep.444 It is a wealth spring of knowledge.

And much like the lead of Dallas Buyers Club. I had nothing left to lose. So I ordered the peptides. They arrived two days later and I was so nervous to inject myself (spoiler alert its super chill) I also recommend buying peptides through elliemd.com and using the code JORDAN so you can be added to her whatsapp group where a peptide nurse can answer your questions as well as other people on this journey.

I reccomend only using companies that use third party testing. Elliemd and Premium Peptides are both third party tested. I dont get anything from reccing but these are the ones I trust.

There is so much more I want to talk about, how the peptides that are approved are the ones that improve your physical looks, because thats marketable, and how even the weight loss peptides that are getting so much hate are changng the lives of people with autoimmune and chronic inflammation. And how the ones that effect your looks are also healing your insides so please dont write them off. Its a marketing thing because in America we love hot young whales or whale trainers.

My protocol:

(any time I use ANY medication i start at the lowest teeny tiniest dose possible and see how my body reacts- I started all of these peptides at 5 Units for the first week then increased to a proper microdose of 10 units- the major websites will reccomend 20 units, that is not a mircrodose - trust your body-less is more in my experience.

I also work with my primary care to monitor my bloodwork - another article for another day on how to find an open minded primary care Dr.- again I have had very little negative effects, and if they were negative it was part of the process, that in the end was very worth it for me - ill go into that below) I am by no mean writing off the necessity and place for pharmaceuticals, but i will say i have had far worse effects from any pharmaceutical medications than peptides ever have. (besides allegra) I digress, maybe ill add the non peptide meds that are moving the needle too.

BPC TB500- A peptide that heals your gut lining and promotes muscle growth and reduces inflammation - 10 units, 5 days a week, 8 weeks on 8 weeks off. - this is to reset your receptors so your body can try to remeber how to make them on their own. Lets just say i cant wait until this week when i get back on!

Thymosin Alpha 1- A peptide that that helps regulate and support immune-system function. This has been an absolute game changer for my chemical sensitivity and mold exposure. When I started this peptide I was very fatigued, but this was my body herxing - aka finally being able to detox which can cause you to feel worse before better. I have scented candle now guys! lol and i have not been laid out for weeks from an MCAS flare up since (also 1/2 allegra every morning is also helping with MCAS) - 10 units 5 days a week - 8 weeks on 8 weeks off.

MOTS-c - A mitochondrial-derived peptide being studied for its effects on cellular energy, metabolism, and resilience to cellular stress - I am hoping this will prevent me from developing ME/CFS while a await treatment for my neck ligaments. I haven’t noticed a huge effects as the previous two peptides, but i also have had no negative side affects so im still using it- 10 units 2 times a week - 8 weeks on and 8 weeks off.

GHK-Cu (copper peptide) is a naturally occurring copper-binding peptide found in human plasma and other tissues. It’s involved in processes associated with wound healing, tissue remodeling, collagen production, and inflammation regulation. 10 units 2 times a week for 8 weeks on 8 weeks off- Its hard to say - I have been feeling a lot better neck wise but im not sure if its the bpc or this one- hard to say — but i likely will try it again in a few months.

These are all very expensive as any treatment I have found is not covered by insurance. I encourage anyone to not be ashamed to ask for help. I know it can feel like begging and people can be really judgmental and suspicious. But keep asking because eventually you will find the help and if you don’t……atleast you tried. Keep trying. Gofundmes, family, friends, grants. This is so unfair that we have to do this when we barely have enough energy to get through the moment sometimes, but you are worth it. If you are breathing, you are worth it. Also this is a controversial take, and everyones situation is so different so please consult with a lawyer and research before resorting to credit cads, I just offer that in America, if you max out credit cards, you can file for bankruptcy. After three years you can start rebuilding credit again. Please research on your own, i know other countries have more severe consequences, but I believe are country operates off shame, and if it is a viable path for you, if you dont lose anything by going into debt, dont judge yourself. You are worth it. I am rooting for you, you big beautiful whale, you.

We'd ride around the city stoned and prob a little buzzed just knowing the other person was hearing the same sounds.

We'd sometimes end up swimming in the fountain out front of the art museum. No cops ever came.

Other times we'd get stoned and wear orange snow boarding goggles inside the museum just to see the art differently on donation day.

The desk worker is rolling her eyes at the dust bunny and dryer scorched gum wrapper and 47 cents I transport into her hand.

Then we'd end up crying in front of the vangoughs.

Then the next day our professor in screenwriting class would ask if anyone has ever cried because of a painting ---and we'd raise our hands wondering if we were about maybe about to win a prize??? Or if the walls were about to roll away revealing we had indeed got....got.

The professor would freeze wondering if he had also got ..... got.  For his point was ...... no one has ever cried because of a painting. That's what movies were for.

I wanted to briefly introduce myself/reintroduce myself, as the last few years have been quite the initiation and I am most certainly a new me.

About me, I am an artist of all kinds, developing psychic medium, cat mother, and now more than ever a writer. Due to my upper cervical instability, this is currently the only art form and creative outlet I have accessibility to which i can say im greatful for in a non bypassy way because I lost the ability to do so for 2 years. Probs why I became psychic. Lots of vibing completed in that time.

In my previous life I have worked as a photographer, cinematographer, actor, comedian, documentary filmmaker, nanny to the stars (the stars actually never leave the room, it’s really interesting), waitress and briefly a TV writer’s assistant to one of my idols growing up which was awesome, but more awesome is learning that my creative output and career success does not define me.

I love nothing more than perfecting a craft so much that I can remove myself and let the divine come through. That has certainly been a very humbling part of becoming disabled after a car accident in 2023, as I must really integrate my perfectionism in order to keep creating! Its really made me address why I create, and at the end of the day its to help people feel less alone. Like omg there is another freak like me, great let me go on being a freak. (PS THE NEW PARADIGM REWARDS THIS SO CONGRATS)

In this Substack I will be writing satires, heartfelt journal entries on healing chronic pain and illness, useful pieces on how to navigate the healthcare system, the use of peptides and plasma replacement therapy, esoteric knowledge, channeling Pleiadians, physics!, quantum leaping, the ancient practice of clowning, and how to use and own your spiritual gifts and how im learning to use mine in real time as i go (spoiler alert- its all about nervous system regulation).

I hope you enjoy coming on my journey. I’d love if you would introduce yourself below! and tell me what YOU would be interested in reading about from me. Ok have a great day and talk SOON! Sending POWER from the main station from me and bird (the cat.)

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“Move your feet.” I heard my teacher say.

So I did and suddenly I, Heather, was gone and words were just coming out. I don’t totally recall what happened, but in parts I remember unfortunatly speaking in a Jamaican accent, which number one I don’t know how to do, and number two, as a white woman who has done the white ladies do the work groups….I would never. But I did. Even stranger was that the 10 minute ride seemed genuinely captivating to the audience, which begs the question of…. what the fuck was happening?

In 2021 I moved to Los Angeles in order to pursue my dream of living in apartment with a washer and dryer.

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Basically, chronic illness is serious and Los Angeles is not.

If I watched my whole life before it happened, I definitely would have chosen Los Angeles for this.

After all, in a place where mindset is everything and vibes are contagious (even if your undiagnosed brain injury and compressed myodural bridge are not)…you will not be surrounded by your peers at your darkest hour…….which just increases the overall plot tension.

But you cannnnn pretend to be famous.

At first I balked, when over the phone (on her way to a meditation retreat) she suggested I pretend to be Selma Hayek or Gwyneth Paltrow— what an order—

Her thinking was if I was too disabled to drive and using my credit card to take ubers to get thousand dollar IV’s and colonics because my organ systems were failing then why not pretend I was famous.

Celebrities do this just cuz, so why not hack the system. Plus wearing sunglasses indoors (which I had to to keep from vomiting in public or passing out in Target)

One of my current constraints is when I look down the cerebral spinal fluid gets trapped in my brain which literally no one in LA wants to talk to me about. One of my spiritual teachers, Onami, always says that limitations create style. Here is me being a stylish celebrity using a cool straw:

I was actually just in public, ( which is rare for me as a celebrity / invisibly disabled person) with my shaman. She’s my friend first and foremost, shaman second….or if you don’t mind me taking a crack at what Gwyn P would say…..

”My shaman is absolutely amazing, she has become one of my closest friends and is part of my inner circle.” It’s hard making friends as a famous person / invisibly ill person because we really only have time to see healers.

But for real, she is the real deal, her name is Lindsay and you should follow her here: https://substack.com/@visualmusings

What was I saying….yes so Lindsay my shaman was saying that in order to get through this next phase of healing…… is to put my celebrity hat down and put on my performance artist hat… This part of the substack article is hard because talking about your performance art just ruins literally everything about your performance art.

Ugghhh but Ill try, being famous was so much easier than this. I sort of want to throw up right now, I don’t know if its because I’m about to break the ONLY RULE of performance art which, again, is to actually acknowledge that you are doing it, or if its because today is Friday which is the day I inject copper into my stomach fat as part of my “Young hot boy” peptide stack that actually just helps my neck hold my head up.

Ps The 2003 Film “Monster” is literally the reason I went to film school. Aileen is a saint and you can’t tell me otherwise. To be clear I don’t condone murder but she is a modern day Jesus Christ.

To acknowledge that this is my greatest performance art piece…this is actually a really great suggestion made by my shaman (oh are you jealous I had an NDE?)

It’s great because I live in a mountain town in the middle of fucking no where upstate NY now which is a perfect place to carry out my performance art phase of healing… I also low key live here because when you’re famous and you get permanently sick you do actually find out it was show business all along not show friendness and your shits gunna get real gnarly. Basically I do not live in LA.

So basically I moved here to not die…. but listen its working… Im not dying…

To set the scene of my current location, I live in a town of 500 people that is lovingly nicknamed “the dead zone,” which I found out after I moved here, because no one goes here….I was also reading Stephen King’s The dead zone at the time which was unsettling when the handy man over the phone said “ I can’t help you and you probably wont find anyone else because its deer hunting season and you live in the dead zone.”

Outside of my window as I write my neighbor is dressed in full green, bucket hat to rain boots using an antique tractor to mow his lawn on the first speed (so its slow) He does this 25 hours a week. Im not exagerating. I wrote it down because I also think while I was watchng my life before it happened I wanted 95% of the people I meet to gaslight me to the point where sometimes I can gaslight myself. Also every morning a woman drives by my window at 8:05 with a huge smile slow waving ( I think its to her daughter at the day care next to me.

Also this 6ft huge guy wearing a bathrobe and slippers will occasionally hobble down my street screaming at his Chihuahua who got out.

See the thing is I can’t say where I live exactly because as Bob Dylan said one time in a way I can’t recall exactly, roughly it was like “If you live in a place where people are self sufficient and its rural literally you cannot be shady or indirect with ppl because you’ll get killed” Or something like that. So for our purposed Ill call my town of pickup trucks, deer hunting and mystics in the hollows “Darraghville,”

Which in my performance art piece when you try to say it out loud it just comes out as “DDAshuaejhkejgruirgtgevhogpofuhville” or maybe it just sounds like that, but it feels like purging at a plant medicine ceremony, when you say it… or hear it… depending on if your thinking about your ears or mouth.

Ok so in this phase of healing/performance art is the part where I found a niche doctor doing his OWN damn thing in the woods adjacent to where I live literally solving upper cervical instability.

The first phase (act) of healing required three hours of having my head in a cage getting MRI sounds blasted at me in a dark room while I watched gazelles being eaten by lions on animal planet…All while four men stared at me behind glass who kept telling me I was doing a great job over a loud PA system.

Right after said MRIs, I was barely able to talk or walk because the cerebral spinal fluid got trapped in my brain. In these moments, it’s where humor doesn’t work, there is no energy for anything extra, no small talk no niceties, where I can’t ignore that I am part of club of people who are fighting for their lives with seemingly no solutions.

It’s a place where I remember that any friends, employers, even some family I had when I was a celebrity are gone, and this wild doctor leading me down a strange hallway in a shopping center in Albany NY is the first person in three years to finally understand what I’m experiencing.

He leads me to a room and I get under a machine where the men plug some math equations in and then with one tiny push he turned my C2 neck disc 26 degrees back to the correct position ——-immediately releasing the fluid out of my brain.

I would love to say Im healed and cured. But this could be life long. But 8 weeks later I am in so much less pain and I have days were I feel like myself, and they are stacking together, and there are more solutions in the future, stem cell among many other things that fill me with hope that my life is getting beyond just surviving. My doctor has what I have and told me that with the dignity of a diagnosis and proper treatment I could be living a full life in 3 years.

That vertebra was knocked out of place and twisted around by a drunk man driving a bright yellow jeep hummer with the word WILLYS on it in….WAIT SORRY —- In Los Angeles…. I was a celebrity then—- so it doesn’t matter anymore who hit me —- this is performance art now—— But I was wearing a sequined outfit trembling at night just off of hollywood BLVD which is literally in every actual celebrity’s memoir. Did I mention my vision is crossed? These glasses were supposed to help this somehow.

This is me at vision PT brain swollen AF -2024. Don’t I look like that guy from twin peaks?

So now, for my final act I am not able to turn my head left or right, or up or down for a long time, like a really long time. I also can’t drive more that 5 minutes so Im here in Darahfghhfjghjvilleee looking straight ahead.

Please consider signing up for my paid substack because I will be posting extremely unhinged stories on there. Right now my only paid subscribers are my dad and his best friend, so I would love for you to subscribe for paid as well, but until then Ill keep writing most unhinged stories to my dad and his best friend.

I sometimes use Voice to text but it isn’t the same- It’s not writing- in the fact the last time i checked, that is called talking.

If i look down the cerebral spinal fluid gets trapped in my brain. Keep your eyes on the horizon I heard myself say while on the phone with a friend- Everything else she or I said feels a million miles away - muffled and far away, an effect of the brain swelling caused by the trapped cerebral spinal fluid- its sort of like as if God were screaming from across the valley and all I can grasp are the most important parts echoing back behind me. Keep your eyes on the horizon

Poetry is like that - god screaming across the valley and hearing only the most important parts.

A swollen brain is like that - god screaming across the valley and hearing only the most important parts.

Sometimes I take pics to recall what it looks like to look down- - -

That bridge where the spinal fluid is supposed to freely dump out of the brain, when it gets closed off (anytime i look down or up) sends electric pain throughout my entire body == even now i have to stop – as i feel the slight downward tilt of looking here and there at where the s key is- is making me feel ill. Be right back.

K, I’m back - In an amazing book written about the experience of living with long covid by Patricia Lockwood’s “Will there will never be another you” she talks about the owner of a famous steakhouse franchise developing Long Covid, and due to the symptoms, he lost interest in money. He found himself suddenly no longer motivated by money. He experienced this as a problem, being that it would be hard to survive without this need, and to make his steakhouse chain a success.

In my experience with chronic pain and illness, the lack of interest in money comes from some this strange brain tilt, or consciousness expansion that has you seeing your existence in such a different way. Tom Robbins describes this beautifully his book “Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates” in how he will miss the new perspective of being 2 inches off the ground in a wheel chair if he is cured. It’s literally a completely new angle you are forced to view from.

This lack of interest in money is likely for the worse for me indiviudauly, but better in the long run for planet earth I suppose. Possibly these untreatable conditions are an evolutionary response to for us to slow down our creations of chain food steak houses.

The condition I have also makes my vision cross, all of the time…. Which I suspect ——-but am not sure is what could be causing the boat to rock — that the sailors of my fingers are trying to keep in time with.

All of these conditions leave doctors going - I dont know, have you considered that you are anxious or depressed? To which I reply, yes, i cant look down without all of my bodys systems malfunctioning, my vision is crossed and no one knows why or what to do about it. I have considered that I am in fact experiencing depression and anxiety.

Ok well, time for a lay down.

Here’s my top 6 jobs I had this year. Let’s get into it.

1. Director and Producer for McArthur Genius Applicant Videos

Wow- this photo. I was so excited to show you what I looked like in a red lab coat standing in my power at Harvard. That’s right Harvard, and I don’t mean the one in New York. I produced and directed a MacArthur Genius Award application video…and they won…..10 million dollars. Did they win due to my production and direction skills or because they will actually prevent the next pandemic? How can we ever really know for sure? Skills that transfer here that you or your loved ones, (wife, husband, uncle might need) are creative consulting, grant application video scripting, remote video production and crewing up, project management. All video kinds really. I am being dead ass here.

2. Internal Sales Video Producer for IBM

   

Yes, I worked as a producer for IBM this year. This was a literal dream come true. Growing up, all the coolest dad’s worked at International Business Systems in my town. As a toddler I was super interested in large beige electronics and the silent type who wear khakis. At any rate, I am a pro at producing remote and hybrid events for corporations <33333333 as well as synthesizing information into a core message (Im a projector 5/1 and also psychic)……and cross communication between teams 😉. The thing about this job is that I was creating videos to teach sales people how TO PRETEND like they knew what AI was…. when trying to sell it to OTHER corporations. This was my passion, but unfortunately they eventually taught their AI robot named Watson how to do my job….. idk face emoji. PS FLEX Arguably my dad was the actually the coolest because he was a NYC fireman. Hindsight is crazy.

3. Writer and Writer’s Assistant

I was a remote writer’s assistant for Frankie Shaw, not this year but this is just a reminder that I AM a comedy writer and a REAL TV writing assistant. My favorite part was FaceTiming with her in the interview because I used to watch her on TV and it was like she was talking back from the screen…More so than meeting her! Everyone keeps telling me I’m autistic which is fine, I think it’s more that I love whimsy and metaphor sometimes even more than real life.

3. Psychic Reader (The number wouldn’t change to 4 here…. Sign!)

   

   Psychic, yes I am a psychic medium. I always have been, creepy sorry! But that brain injury, near death stuff of 2023 really popped things off. Venmo me @Heather-Craig $25 - text me your question, general or specific and I will text you back your reading within 48 hours - 9142247797 AMERICA

5. Teaching Nervous System Regulation to Clowns

   

   I am a clown and clown teacher. If you’re wondering if I have credentials I do. I paid Yale’s clown teacher lot of money to certify me in teaching clown and a little money to the Polyvagal institure to learn about Nervous System regulation. After my brain injury, mold poisoning and cervical instability I had to befriend my nervous system to survive. I then became very interested in the cross over of the vagus nerve, the true self and what it means to give powerful performance. I got to teach an in person class this year. I learned that it’s truly all I care about: Holding space for people to learn to trust and care for their souls on and off the stage.( I also care about my cat, nieces, humanity etc) Unfortunately, I also learned that my cervical instability is still too severe to work in person consistently. People who came to the class, you made my year. I’m NOT CRYING. I can’t wait to get back to it. LOOK OUT FOR A STEM CELL GOFUND ME IN 2026!!

6.. And LASTLY I am an extremely talented and trained actor which is so humiliating. This year I was so grateful to audition for major all Insurance companies, pharmaceuticals and Hard Rock Cafe!

7. Ai LOL! Have a great year in America everyone. See you on the dance floor!

My friend called from india 

To remind me of the deal



The deal of life



I eat cornbread outside 

With enough butter to make me gag 



But i dont i just put more cornbread in 



She whispers to me on the phone from india 

Im in america thirsty 



She says she did very violent things in a past life

So now she bleeds around the clock



I say things like this in america but always side ways

And always laughing



My indian friend is dead ass always about this



She said this on the phone to me 

About invisible suffering

that if accepted 

you can get the dirty work done



She said she saw someone who is a miracle and dead 

And when he the miracle man finally turned and walked toward her

warming his hands from fire to fire on the way



As to confirm that yes this was really happening



All he said was

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haa



She didn’t tell anyone about it for 6 years

I wont even tell you who or what here 

Sorry not sorry

A gift so id think about the plastic and metal furniture differently 



Oh and also

 she talked about the river

Mother river

  To go to it and give everyone back their loads because 

Yours is heavy enough 



She called me to tell me this

As an offer to invisible suffering 



******She called because I needed to see her in my minds eye laying next to the ganges on grass gentle surrounded by women coming to brush her hair and telling her the secrets of being born i needed to see this because we only met once in an apple store in grand central in 2012 so i needed to see this so that i can get on with it

My friend popped his head into my square window,
to say "I've been messaging my exes on the internet again."

Like a sesame street episode for the sexually addicted.

I offer a seltzer.

He reminds me that he's bisexual and asks how I am.

Good, my back doesn't hurt and I'm cleaning. 

Great. 

He takes the seltzer and walks back to his girlfriend's filmset about an Only Fans murder.

I read what I wrote before he interrupted. 

Vacations;
I don't want to need breaks from the life I'm living. 

Children;
I don't want them in hopes of the madness stopping.

Inevitable madness. 

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My guess is that Jason was hiding his creative work from his family for fear of ridicule or idk maybe he wrote in the basement and just dropped it when he was packing.

It’s a very unfinished basement and I’m pretty sure there is a toxic radon leak. I mean there is. There’s a pipe that is piping the radon outdoors, allegedly. It’s an Earth thing, like Earth needs to let radon out and sometimes that can happen to be in your basement.

The landlord has assured me that it’s been taken care of. Still, I hope Jason didn’t write down there. People don’t realize how much air quality can affect your health and nervous system. Also he didn’t put a last name. My landlord said “a Jason” has never lived here. Maybe it’s a pen name.

RIVERPLAY

By Jason

Notes on the music: I really like the Seinfeld music, like how it’s short. But it’s up to you guys, as synthesizer guys I want you to feel and act intuitively on your musical knowledge.

The beat patch that Phil Collins used in “In The Air Tonight” Drum Machine (Linn LM-1) comes to mind. Forget the Seinfeld thing actually. These are suggestions to get us in the wheelhouse of the world, you are as much a part of the play as the actors. You will each play the synthesizer alone at different times on stage. There are 10 different musicians who have the same aura, but at different ages, starting with the youngest at age 7. The last one 80—90 years old.

The casting of gender or race doesn’t matter - but it should feel like the same person — dressed in the same outfit. Denim overalls, paisley dark blue button up shirt - red handkerchief around neck, cowboy hat.

Notes to the actors: Backstory, motivations, and what you want to achieve in the scenes are not to be held onto. You can set the intention but please fully let it go before entering the scene. Become an empty reed before reading this play for this first time, make notes of what comes to you - imagery, symbol, spirit animal visitations during the first reading of this play and integrate this into your character.

Capture the feeling of being in a human body and indulge in the fractals that come through - and by indulge I mean to feel it deeply and fully- not to take it and run with it- the fractals (offshoots of feeling in your body) should run a natural course and not be milked or shut off prematurely.

As an example - suddenly your skin feels too heavy to keep in time in the environment - have fun with the idea - so now your “motive” in the acting sense is to remain upright and focused on being a human. The point being it shouldn’t make sense but instead be a frequency you land in -

Remember to drop any ideas before entering the scene. Be open to your instincts and openings of what comes through you psychically and impulsively. Allow the other players space and time if it is asked by time and space itself. A chemistry read audition between actors is imperative.

SCENE: A living room in a second story apartment. Large windows on the back wall overlooking a large mountain range. It’s furnished like a young couple would’ve in 2015, hard wood floors, ikea furniture, second hand wood dining room table.

SAM, mid 40’s sits, writing. Behind the table is a connected kitchen, where JESS, mid 40’s is with her head and most of her body in the refrigerator, she is mostly covered by the refrigerator door so we don’t see her, Jess is looking for something. On the left wall - there is another window over looking a rundown apartment complex. Down stage left a child who wears denim overalls, paisley dark blue button up shirt - red handkerchief around neck, cowboy hat. The child has a small synthesizer on his lap. They are not lit unless specified.

JESS: What happened to all the limes?

SAM: What happened to them?

Jess stands up so we can see her face. She is beautiful and tired.

JESS: Yes where did all the limes go.

SAM: Oh yeah, I brought them to Jasons.

JESS: I needed them for work. For my boss. For the 4th of July thing.

SAM: Oh man I thought you were going to make homemade Sprite or something.

JESS: What?

SAM: I said OH MAN I THOUGHT….

JESS: I heard what you said Sam. Also, when have I ever made homemade Sprite, and if you did think I was going to do that and you were excited about it, why would you bring them to Jason’s?

Sam looks up from his laptop. Lighting change so now only SAM and SYNTH PLAYING CHILD WEARING DENIM is under spot light. JESS remains frozen in background by fridge.

SYNTH PLAYING CHILD WEARING DENIM plays tonal sounds. SAM speaks.

SAM: I keep dreaming that I’m living underwater, in a dark, dark underground river estuary. There are classes that I have to take in an underwater classroom. Not so much a room, but logs to sit on and roots above our heads we have to duck under. Some of us lay on each other’s laps to fit under the tree roots. I’m not sure what the classes are about exactly, but I feel like its either about letting my old life go, or this life go, you know all the people places and things that i wake up too. It’s hard to sit underwater. That’s the thing, I know that I’m dying, and I know I am supposed to learn something before I go, but I can’t tell if it’s something I don’t know yet or something I already know, or if the underwater class is about just giving up the need to know and just know that I don’t know.

(If the audience laughs, this would be an example of a time for the Seinfeld loop or something like it)

Sam, the first laugh is the first time you are meeting this audience, what could that mean to you, if you heard them for the first time, to know something somewhere was listening.

Maybe its the last one because the underwater teachers aren’t teaching anything, yet I can feel how important it is to be sitting there on the muddy dark rocks with the roots from the above earth smacking me in the eyes.

Lights down on SYNTH PLAYING CHILD WEARING DENIM. Playing ceases. Lights up on SAM and JESS.

Jess is standing by the door ready to leave.

JESS: I don’t know if opening our relationship was a good idea.

SAM scribbles something down furiously.

JESS: Are you putting that in your play?

SAM: Yeah.

JESS: I’m a person you know.

SAM writes this down too.

JESS: Too cliche.

SAM: What is?

JESS: The two lines you wrote down. The things I said.

SAM: Well, cliche things used to be at one point extremely new and mind blowing.

JESS: What did you and Jason use the limes for?

SAM: Nothing, I just didn’t have anything to bring.

JESS: I don’t think we should’ve moved out of the city.

Sam writes.

JESS: Are you writing a bad play on purpose?

SAM: Yeah.

Lights up on A SLIGHTLY OLDER SYNTH PLAYING CHILD WEARING DENIM and SAM. JESS in darkness.

SAM: I like writing plays because you can blame your thoughts on other characters and I don’t like writing plays because I feel like it’s so hard to make anything good anymore. If it ever finally got to a stage with an audience everyone is so traumatized and tired now. Remember plays before covid? Everyone was white, and still is. But at least then everyone on stage and back stage was just the right amount of traumatized and everyone had just enough to make ends meet to really put focus into what the characters needed. To drop into their bodies enough to receive the spirit of what was going to come through.

But now most people are so energetically fractured that if a spirit wanted to come through a play she wouldn’t be able to. She’s waiting too, she’s wanting too, and the only people who are able to hold a coherent enough of a frequency to let God through are children of millionaires and not that there perspective isn’t important, it’s just I’m sick of the same note.

Is my perspective off? Am I making this about me so that I don’t have to feel bad that my plays are bad? And even if the actors were able to hold it together and not sacrifice their literal lives to put on a good performance, the director will get covid, someone’s brother will die, someone will be under slept from working 4 jobs and accidentally drop something from the ceiling…so I’m writing more pages to what, be a part of the problem?

Lights up on JESS and SAM. Down on SYNTH PLAYING CHILD WEARING DENIM

SAM: There is a new kind of natural disaster happening now, did you see it on the news?

JESS: Yes.

SAM: Where the water comes up from underneath the ground.

JESS: I’m leaving. I’m late for work and I have to find 25 limes in the middle of nowhere on the way.

JESS exits. SAM walks to the side window looking over the rundown apartment. He takes out a cell phone and calls someone.

SAM: Hey Jason, it’s me….oh yeah, you knew that because it’s a cell phone. A vulture? In your barn? It’s stuck?

Ok, It’s me Heather now, I think this is a good place to stop. This thing is like literally 30 pages long and I have to go to work. I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions about the play. I’ll try to type the rest in the morning, if anyone knows Jason in town also let me know, I’d love to give him credit.

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We’re making the body that poets write for
When you got soft you were penetrated with your history

We saw it in your muscles
Your life we all saw it

Where does it feel good
What's it like being in a body with no problems

Try leading with your eyes and not your teeth 
When you lead with your teeth your eyes close

I want to see your disaster
Tears and laughter have the same value here

Vertical is the funniest thing 
Horizontal is the most beautiful thing

You’re coming to tell us how beautiful
That's why you're here because it's so beautiful

Inhale do not exhale 
All the way up to yes yes yes 

Don't exhale
What's your name

Can I lift you up 
Stay

Ripping pages
Ripping pages

Pears taste like asphalt
Hot days in grandmas parking lot

Do you remember the first time you ate your own booger?
I bet James Joyce does.

.

That's how my trip to Mexico began.

I was there at Joe Rogan’s stem cell facility.

God Damn. Tick Tock made it seem so nice— but, man, the vibes were off.

I Venmo-ed the owner, @Riich-Cables001 $20,000 to secure my spot. This was in order to get my back worked on once and for all, fixed. L6 / L7.

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Listen, I have your grandma's dowry. I don't know how it happened.I think you left it in my car when you were moving and, uh, I hate to do this, but I really need $10,000 badly to pay off some credit cards. You get it. So I'll, I'll sell it, the dowry. I'm going to sell it somewhere. Actually wait, That's probably going to have to be on the black market. Wait. This is a really bad idea. I'm not going to sell it. I mean, it's a bad plan.

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Cameron: l'm not going to fall in love with you, l promise.

Jude: Okay. Nicely put. Thank you.

Cameron: No, it's just that l know myself. l'm not sure l even can fall in love. Not like the way other people do. How's that for something to admit?

Jude: Well, like l said, Most lnteresting Girl Award.

Amanda: l'm gonna try to see that as a compliment.

Graham: You should. Absolutely.

The nail shop owner is an attractive chinese american women in her mid 30’s. Flames on her nails.

The customer who sits across from her is a white woman in her 50’s. Curled bangs and a floral dress. Cool as hell. These are the type of women who’ve seen a deer carcass or two, hanging from trees in the yard, while carrying on conversations on landlines, not giving a fuck.

“What color, beige or green?”

“Beige.”

“You want number 17 then—I just moved into a new place in Loyd, in the village.”

“You mean in town?”

“Yeah.”

“How many bedrooms you got?”

“Two.”

“Who do you live with?”

“No one. Jason splits his time.”

“What did Joe say when you left?”

“Nothing.”

“You still talking to your man?”

“Yeah. But we have too much baggage.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I'm in love.”

“Is he?”

“Yeah.”

“But he has too much baggage to come out.”

As if the baggage was blocking the door and he couldn’t get to her, or himself etc.

“To come out?”

“Yeah, it's crazy. It's like what are we even.”

She takes a minute and answers her own question.

“Just two people who are in love I guess.”

“You're funny.”

“Joe knows.”

“How?”

“I don't know. People told him or he saw us when we were out.”

“Who told him?”

“I don't know, people at his work. Joe said he knows where he lives and where he works.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don't people mind their own Goddamn business?”

“I mean, we don't.”

“True.”

“But we don't go gossipping about it.”

Phone rings.

Owner answer’s.

“Love depot.”

(When I drove home, I saw a baby mountain lion cross the road in my rear lights. The car behind me almost hit her. I don’t want anything horrible to happen anymore.)

I'm like a new kind of art that they don't have a name for yet
Not like poetry not painting not performance

But like photography in 1912
I have more secrets than could fit in a three ring binder !

A legend explaining unexplainable 
Mythics unexplaining explainable

A cowboy in a neck brace 
A revolving doorman shit faced
A second hand gasping 

Ants crawling along crown molding 
Black sedans on 80 Highway East 

Each moment brings the audience in for the ride

Folklore meeting it where I am in my
Life now with a connection to the past ether

Make prolonged eye contact with strangers and smile

You are wild.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.......

Moths listening on wood siding
a moon flower overslept.

The smell of a room in transition
and its secrets kept.

A dog wines at the unknown
all of her horror and gifts.

A lawnmower or a pitch 
A pitch white bone.

The sound of a ceiling fan off its axis
Like a cape cod nap.

This time the house is empty.
And the beach is a mountain and there is nothing.

On the TV, The Bachelor chooses a mourning dove to be his wife.
The winter is coming back this spring anyways.

Singing happy birthday while looking for the knife
Your drama is yours, right then. 

I love you above ground pool.
What if I drove my car into you?

Oh my god,
I want to do that. 

I love you above ground pool.