You just want to be polite. You just want to avoid any conflict that might happen.

We just want to maintain our role as the Peacemaker in the room.

You also do it because you’re concerned about what other people think about you.

The problem with over-apologizing is that it shows that you subconsciously seek reassurance.

It also sends a message to the other person that can undermine the validity of your statements or implies that you lack confidence in expressing yourself or asserting your own needs.

We don’t want that. It’s just not helpful.

Here are 5 things to quit apologizing for as an Enneagram 9, an introvert or other gentle human:

#1 Getting Emotional

It’s ok if people see you cry. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’re real.

Breathe relaxation into your throat when you feel the tears coming. Open the dam and let them flow.

#2 Asking for Help

You are not a burden. Most people will just be grateful that you asked because they never really know what you need.

Let them help. It will bless them.

#3 Not knowing what you want to choose.

People can wait. Let them feel anxious.

#4 Saying “no” to things that overwhelm you.

Your needs are just as important as everyone else’s. Honor you by honoring your needs.

and finally

#5 Existing

Your presence matters. Period.

Nothing you achieve will make you matter more. No mistake you make, no laziness, no lack of passion will make you matter less.

Never forget that.

Do you know what it feels like in your body to unapologetically take up space? Can you share an opposing opinion, take someone’s time, get in the way, cry, take a while to find words, or accept help?

Can you allow yourself to soak in the feeling of taking space?

If any of this is challenging for you, this is exactly the kind of work we’ll be doing inside The School of Quiet Power. I’ll help you learn to trust yourself, let your wants and opinions matter, get more comfortable being seen, and take up space without immediately worrying about how everyone else feels about it.

If you’ve already done a lot of work on yourself and you’re ready to actually live what you know, I’d love to have you spend this school year with me.

Over time, though, I realized I couldn’t sustain that same level of engagement without burning myself out. So little by little, The Bold Nine changed. I cut back on live calls, lowered the price, and eventually stopped marketing it as much.

Over the past year, it has become a quieter space. A place where members can access my courses and where I share a private podcast each week.

And while I’ve loved continuing to create for my peeps, I’ve missed the connection.

Without seeing many of them on live calls or having that back-and-forth interaction, I sometimes felt like I was speaking into the void. Creating the weekly podcast became another task on my to-do list alongside graduate school, motherhood, and everything else I was trying to hold.

Still, the thought of retiring The Bold Nine felt scary. Because it felt like closing a door on my beloved people who wanted a place to go deeper than what I share publicly. And I didn’t want to take that opportunity away.

As usual, my brain got very “helpful:”

Are you sure?
Why would you walk away from something that’s working?
Couldn’t you just tweak it?
What if the new thing doesn’t work?
Maybe you should wait until you have a better plan.

But my heart was saying something different:

It’s time.

So I cancelled everyone’s subscriptions yesterday. I did it myself instead of having my assistant do it so I could look at each and every name and thank God for bringing them into my space.

It felt sad, weird, scary, and freeing all at the same time.

Trusting yourself can be hard for many of us.

We can see every angle and we consider how our decisions will affect everyone else. We can make an excellent case for staying exactly where we are. And sometimes, all of that intelligence becomes very useful ammunition against the quietest voice in the room, which is our own.

Maybe you’ve heard that voice too. It’s telling you to write something, leave something, start something, say something, ask for something, create something, change something, or even admit that you’re ready for a change.

But courage means following your gut, even when you don’t know how it’s going to work, or where it’s going to lead.

That’s what retiring The Bold Nine has been for me.nI’m allowing something good to be complete and I’m making room for something new.

For the next 9 months, that something is going to be called The School of Quiet Power.

In short, it involves a monthly private coaching call with each client and a monthly group call where we practice, process and grow together.

Growing your Quiet Power is about learning to hear and trust yourself underneath all the noise.

To stop requiring a courtroom’s worth of evidence before giving yourself permission to want what you want and to act on what you feel in your gut.

Sometimes the boldest thing you can do is quiet. But when it comes from a place of courage, you can feel the fire underneath it. You just know, and then you begin.

If there’s something your heart has been telling you that your logical mind keeps trying to talk you out of, The School of Quiet Power could be the exact place for you right now. This is just one of many subjects that you can bring to your monthly session, but it’s a topic I’m feeling passionate about. We start in 2 weeks. Please let me know if you have questions after looking through the page.

Have a beautiful weekend!

P.S. Sometimes Quiet Power is simply saying out loud what you want before you know what you’re going to do about it. That’s where we can begin.

Imagine you’re floating down a river.

One bank is chaos.

The other is rigidity.

Mental and emotional health grows when you can easily notice when you’re drifting toward one of the banks and gently finding your way back to the middle.

As an Enneagram 9 Wing 1, I personally drift more toward rigidity than I do chaos…with perfectionism.

Especially when I’m doing something vulnerable. When there’s a chance someone might misunderstand me, disagree with me, or judge me, my thinking drifts toward rigidity. I start believing there’s one “right” way to show up, one “right” thing to say, one “right” decision to make.

But rivers bend and adapt.

Peace is found in staying connected to ourselves even while fear and uncertainty are along for the ride.

(Thanks, Chat GPT for illustrating this so well for me in a mere 2 minutes!)

Today, if you notice yourself stuck on one of the riverbanks, what would it look like to take one small row back toward the flow in the middle?

Centering yourself and curiously observing your thoughts and feelings certainly helps.

May we stay in the middle. That’s the goal.

Have a fantastic weekend.

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This first one is about the three types that take in the world through their bodies: The 8’s, 9s and 1s. We learned abou…

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It’s been a while since I’ve sent out a newsletter. I’ve had to cut back on some of the optional things lately because my master’s coursework has been taking so much of my time. But I have a few minutes today before a busy wedding week, so I thought I’d check in and share something I’ve been learning and thinking about lately: a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy called dialectical thinking.

At its simplest, it’s the practice of holding two seemingly opposite truths at the same time.

Instead of asking, “Which one is right?” it asks, “Could both be true?”

As Enneagram Nines and other gentle people, we can be some of the most flexible thinkers out there. We naturally see multiple perspectives at once.

But when something feels threatening to our peace, our acceptance by others, or our sense of certainty, we can actually become quite rigid in our thinking. And that rigid thinking creates a surprising amount of pain and frustration.

Here are three examples of where I notice it showing up in my own life:

• When I put myself out there to be seen, my brain tells me I need to appear as “put together” as possible.

• When something doesn’t seem to be working (like a product launch), I tell myself that nothing is working.

• Ironically, when I notice rigidity in someone else, I become judgmental and frustrated.

Lately, I’ve been experimenting with replacing or with and.

So those same situations become:

• Being seen as put together and being seen as fully human can both be beneficial.

• This launch isn’t working the way I hoped, and my business is benefiting from what I’m learning.

• This person is being rigid, and they’re probably protecting themselves...just like I do sometimes.

For those of us who are Enneagram Nines, this simple shift can be incredibly freeing.

So the next time you’re feeling anxious or frustrated, write down the thoughts running through your mind. Look for absolutes or black-and-white thinking, then ask yourself:

“How could I rewrite this thought using the word and instead?”

You might be surprised by how much freedom lives in that one small word.

I’d love to hear what you discover.

Have a beautiful weekend!

P.S. If you’d like to dive deeper into this topic, consider upgrading to a paid subscription! This week’s private podcast is called “How to Think Dialectically as an Enneagram Nine,” and you’ll also get access to my growing library of weekly content designed to help you live with more intention, confidence, and purpose.

Also! If you’ve been thinking about working together, this might be your sign. For the month of August, I’m offering a special opportunity: four coaching sessions for $300 as part of my master’s training. We’ll spend four weeks helping you move forward on something that truly matters to you. If you’re interested, just reply to this email or reach out at heather@heatherfillmorecoaching.com.

Even though we easily see all perspectives, we also can think very rigidly around our own problems and decisions (thanks to our 1 and 8 wings as well as our core fear.) Espe…

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This week, I’m shari…

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In this episode, I share one of the most transformative practices I’ve learned through my somatic coach training: centering. Rather than another mindset tool, centering is a physical practice that teaches your body how to return to presence and confidence in moments of stress.

You’ll learn the four dimensions of centering and how each one helps you act from your deepest values instead of your automatic patterns.

If you’re an Enneagram Nine (or anyone who tends to shrink, merge with others, or lose yourself under pressure), this episode offers a way to reconnect with yourself in everyday moments. I’ll also guide you through a simple centering exercise you can practice while walking, working, or moving through your day so that, over time, your body naturally returns to your most grounded, connected self.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why centering is a practice, and why center is a place.

• The four dimensions of centering and what each one does for you

• How to build embodied confidence by taking up space

• Why “having your own back” is more than just a mindset

• A simple daily practice to help you stay present, connected, and intentional under pressure

The more often you practice returning to center, the more naturally you’ll respond to life’s challenges with calm intention.

I learned this practice from The Strozzi Institute about 6 years ago. I practice it when I’m brushing my teeth, when I’m driving, when I’m walking and when I’m with other people. And in moments of pressure, I quickly return to Center and it upgrades the experience every time.

I recommend listening to this when you’re upright…walking, driving or doing other things. I’m going to guide you through the process. Be sure to do it with your eyes open…because in normal life, we have our eyes open and we need to practice it the way it’s going to be when life is actually happening.

Please share your experience with Centering in the comments! I’d love to hear your takeaways.

If its impossible to think of it in any other way, I invite you to schedule a 30 minute consultation with me. Coaching can make ALL the difference!

You're invited to download the worksheet and answer the questions as you process and write. It will be sent in a separate post.

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As part of my Integrative Psychology graduate program, I spent several days learning and practicing a group therapy model. One of the most impactful lessons was witnessing what happens when people are given the space to share openly and be deeply seen…without advice, fixing, or interruption.

Throughout the week, I noticed several old narratives showing up in my own mind. Listen in to hear what they were and how my awareness and intentionality created my experience.

In this episode, you’ll learn:
• Why group therapy can be so powerful
• The difference between being witnessed and being fixed
• Three narratives I noticed showing up during my immersion experience
• A simple question that can help challenge self-defeating thoughts
• How I’m managing overwhelm during finals week

What narratives have you been noticing lately? Please share your thoughts and reflections with me in the comments!

The story of “I’m Boring” seems to run the show for many Enneagram Nines, and when it’s running the show, there are consequences!

Continuing our exploration around narratives, on this podcast I’m sharing…

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Here are two handouts that you can use to explore your narratives further, that go with last week and this week’s lessons.

Believing On Purpose Exercises

150KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Center Vs Conditioned Tendencies

90.3KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

I also want to give you a head’s up that…

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Included as downloads are two worksheets that help you explore not only your narratives …

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In this episode, I’m talking about more of our narratives as Enneagram Nines.

These stories can feel so true that we mistake them for reality.

But they’re not truth. They’re interpretations we learned early in life to feel safe and connected.

I’m sharing:
• How unconscious narratives shape your relationships, confidence, and energy
• Why emotional triggers are an opportunity to find a deeper story underneath
• Questions that can help you uncover the beliefs quietly running your life
• The powerful shift that happens when your awareness creates choice

If you’ve ever felt disconnected from yourself or afraid to fully take up space, this episode will help you begin coming back home to who you really are.

To get the HOW…in other words, what you can do once you’ve discovered one of your painful narratives, to start changing from the inside out…upgrade to the paid tier!

You will also receive two sets of worksheets that teach you about our amazing brains, the way that they operate from o…

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On this episode, I’m introducing the podcast and how it fits into what I’m doing here on Substack. As a free subscriber, you will be notified through email (unless you choose not to) when new episodes are released, as they will coincide with the articles. So watch your inbox on Wednesdays or Thursdays each week!