And why did brave in particular speak to me? Because my therapist called me brave this week. In my official paperwork, as a strength I have.

No one calls me brave. She has seen a lot with me, ups and down, and she called me brave. It really startled me to see that, but then I was like, huh, that IS true. I am brave.

So then I see the card, I’m like hey, I do hard fucking things all the time. That is brave, and fierce. And badass. Go me.

Then there’s not being an asshole to myself. I have been working on that one my whole life. So many people never escape their inner asshole, and mine can still pop up but I’m so much nicer to myself than I used to be, and I’ve thought before about why, like how did I get better about that, and I’ve struggled with an answer but I think I have it today.

First and foremost: Reiki. Specifically, reciting to myself the Reiki principles every morning. There is one about being compassionate and kind, and for the longest time I would add “to myself and others” to the end of it. I wanted to call out, to myself, to be compassionate towards myself for my choices.

The principles are themselves a blend of inner and outer work: I will be grateful for my many blessings, I will not worry. I will not anger, I will be honest, compassionate and kind. But the ones that sound external—anger, kindness, honesty—they are internal as well, and the inner work must happen first, or at least start, before it can reflect outwardly.

I have been in the Reiki world for a few years, and a Master for over a year. I have been diligent about doing Reiki on myself every morning, with very rare exceptions, for years. Some days it’s 45 minutes, some days it’s 5 minutes. I don’t say that to brag. I say that because I slowly started to realize, over the last year, that my inner dialogue had shifted. My daily consistency in telling myself to be kind to myself resulted, oddly enough, in no longer giving myself shit all the time. The inner asshole—constantly calling me an idiot or worse—had mostly shut up.

And on that note, I definitely recommend saying these principles every day, whether you practice Reiki or not. This is good energy to put into yourself, and the universe.

The second bit of asshole-related healing is thanks to surviving a few years of emotional turmoil, through the loss of some deep friendships. Those losses helped me look at my shadow self, the work I needed to do on myself, but also to see where I had been abandoned and misunderstood with no intention of considering my perspective or needs. In any case, I am grateful now for the inner work I have done, which I would not have done if I had not been pushed to grow past the relationship’s shit, and my own.

I have always been a hard worker, but because of that experience, now I am not afraid to do hard emotional or spiritual work either, which is a definite badass quality. I have come to realize when it comes to relationships, if it’s not a two-way street, I might need to rethink whether that is a relationship worth investing in. If I am not treated with love and respect, if my commitment is not met with tenacity and care in the hard times, why am I continuing?

For a long while I believed the lie that I wasn’t good enough. That I had failed my friends beyond repair, despite my repeated attempts to fix things and be transparent as I did so. I am nowhere near perfect, but I also deserved the respect of attempting repair—or at least, not being ghosted.

But ghosting had the benefit—along with time, inner work and Reiki—of helping me move on. To realize I truly was a good friend, but more importantly, I no longer wanted to be friends with people determined to see me in the worst light. I deserve kindness and respect—we all do. It starts within, by not being an asshole to ourselves, by being brave and fierce in our determination to be the best possible version of ourselves, and to shine our uniquely weird, badass light out in the world.

These sentiments are hard-won. The last several years have seen some very dark times in my life, and I thought I was done more than once. But thanks to my own persistence, and Shoni, and a friend of mine who took me in for 6 months, my life is rebuilding. I am beyond excited for my future—as a budding therapist, as a better, wiser friend to anyone I meet, as a caring human in this world. Life isn’t easy, but it sure is a hell of a lot easier when you are being truest, kindest version of yourself. Which is also easier when you’re a badass. Below are the many badass prompts that spoke to me today. May you take on some badassery for yourself. ❤️

Just now, we were driving back from a hike, and I turned the radio on. One song wrapped up, there was a moment of quiet and then a few piano chords.

I am very good at guessing songs within a few notes. I grew up watching Name That Tune and enjoyed Beat Shazam a few years ago, and yes, I beat Shazam more than once! In any case, with those few chords I thought, “hmm, I think I know this one,” kept listening and within another second or two I knew it. Place in This World, by Michael W. Smith.

I grew up conservative Christian, believing I was straight. Naturally, I had a big crush on Mr. Smith and had many of his albums, including the one with this song. This album came out during my first semester at college, a time when most of us are still figuring out what the hell we want to do with our lives, and I was no exception. Not that I didn’t have ideas—and ironically, at that point in my life I was considering going into psychology. I‘d only been in college a few months and I hadn’t had the “realization” that psychology was “too easy” and abandoned it for things like astrophysics. In any case, I absolutely resonated with a song all about finding your purpose.

Which is another way of saying I listened to this song way too many times, on my own, on the radio back in the 90s, and so when I realized that’s what was playing today, I almost changed the channel.

“Eh,” I said out loud, and started singing along to the lyrics. It’s been over 30 years, why not? Let’s see if I can remember them all.

Oh, I remembered them. By the time I hit the chorus, I felt overwhelmed with a combination of memories and feelings from my 18-year-old self struggling to figure out my path and my current, 53-year-old self who abso-fucking-lutely knows her place in this world is to help others through counseling. I thought once again about what a different kind of therapist I would have been in my 20s instead of my 50s and had a moment of gratitude for the difficult and complex experiences I’ve had in those 30+ years that will make me a much kinder, more thoughtful therapist now.

I was feeling choked up and stopped singing by the second verse, which has the line, “Is there a vision I can call my own.” When I heard that line, I started to cry. I finally have that vision. I finally have a vision for myself that is mine. I know it, I own it to my core, I’m beyond excited to be on the path of using my existing skills and the ones I’ll learn to help others. Remember their worth, that they deserve healing and in some cases, help them find their place in this world, too. For me, I can think of no better mission.

Here’s to finding your place in this world at the right time, and the music to remind you of divine timing.

This is the year of the fire horse. Started in February. Again, me being so pumped, I’m like ok great, what does the universe have to say for Leos (my sign) this year? I’m so ready for major change in my life—in December I had left the island I loved because I lost my job, but I was also ready to leave because of some major relationship breakdowns—ok astrology, universe, divine timing…what does 2026 have on tap for me and when is it going to happen??

Well, reading my horoscope for the year just pissed me off. Even in February, I was so ready for things to change. I wanted a job, so I could find my new place to land, build new friendships and new community. I got pissed off though, because it said that nothing major was going to change until June. I definitely said something like “fucking June, are you kidding me?!?”

I kept applying to jobs. Had interviews, follow-up ones, too. I worked on continuing to heal from past relationships, most importantly the one with myself. I dug in deeper with tarot, reiki, meditation, and I could feel things shifting in a very positive way, despite not getting any job offers.

Late last month, after another job rejection email, I remembered that several months ago, a friend of mine had asked me what my “new” dream career was. Because I’d had a dream career that I tried in 2025, and it didn’t end well. But on that April day I was like hey, I need to look at that dream idea again because what the hell am I doing with my life? Long story short: I realized I was actually meant to become a therapist. It was a path I had considered before, but it was finally time to take action. My true purpose, and how my brain works, is definitely in its highest form when I’m having the kinds of discussions that therapists have. I’m a good listener (which is the most important part) but also good at seeing ways to affirm others, help them see what they might not be seeing, and generally be a caring point of accountability for others. I’m not saying that because I think I’m some communication rock star. Trust me, I’ve got plenty of WTF moments in past conversations too. But my underlying nature—it is what you want from any good therapist, and I know it, and it’s why I’m incredibly pumped about this new path.

Deciding the path is one thing. Finding the school, getting accepted and with sufficient financial aid, those are other things. But I got the ball rolling and applied to a local school in early May.

Then a few weeks ago, I found out that my former employer (dog daycare/boarding) on the island was hiring again. After a quick phone call, I was hired back. I posted about this in a note, but I started that job again last Monday. Here is proof via my favorite current client:

First week was tough. I’d been mostly sitting on my ass the last 7 months and boy did my out-of-shape muscles let me know. But I was oh so delighted to be with dogs again every day, especially some of my favoritest ones like the guy above. Then Thursday morning I finally had my graduate school interview. It was not what I expected! But it went really well. They said we’ll let you know within a week.

Later that same day, maybe 4 hours later, I got my acceptance email. I was at work and I yelled out with joy! No one else heard it but the dogs, but I was so excited!

Saturday I planned to come back to the island to pet sit for a week. I also planned to see about a possible place to live—to move back to this place I’ve had an extremely deep, if complicated relationship with. Ferry life is not for the weak, and the idea of doing school plus a job with a 415am wakeup time for years…not on my bucket list, thanks. The relative of a friend had offered to possibly let me live with them. Said let’s have a conversation and see. I had been to their house several times, when I lived there before, so I knew it was a nice place near the water. I took this picture last summer:

But, I didn’t know this person very well, so we definitely needed a proper chat, including how much monthly expenses would be. It’s a huge house and so I knew the price could be too high. I also knew we just needed to get to know each other a little better before committing.

I was there almost two hours talking and visiting with her dog, who I adore and have played with several times. Even though the dog bit me hard yesterday by accident, I still love her. This is life with dogs. Sometimes there’s blood, but you still love each other, dammit.

In the end, we came up with an agreement that worked for both of us. Will be good for both of us in different ways. She said she was looking forward to having me there, and I sure am looking forward to it too. Not only to be back on a beautiful island I love, with my friends and community I already had, but with a job I also love, and soon going to school so I can pursue the career I was always meant to have.

Another way life is interesting: I’m so glad I didn’t become a therapist as a kid fresh to college. Wow would I have been a very different and not-so-understanding person. I almost became a therapist a few years ago, too. I now know I had a lot of shit to work through before I could land, once again, on this path. I know this is the right path for me unlike anything I have ever pursued before. The assuredness is deafening for someone plagued by self-doubt her whole life.

And most of the amazing things I talked about above happened in only the last 6 days. Right here, end of May, or June Eve, as far as my year’s horoscope is concerned. In June I’ll get to register for school, move back to the island, and who knows what other good things are brewing?

All I know is that a lot of things had to align over the last many months in order for me to land here. I have absolutely joked in the past about divine timing being a hoax. I will not joke about it anymore. I’m paying attention, I’m on the right path now, and there’s no better place to be.

• Let’s start with an innocent-seeming sweetheart: Julie Andrews. You know, Mary Poppins, and Maria in the Sound of Music. I’ve watched those movies ten billion times, I know all the lines, all the words to all the songs, and for most of my life I thought it was just because they were wholesome, I love music, and so on. Then, as a newly-out lesbian in college, I was at a Kroger with my BFF/roommate, reading a magazine while she finished shopping. There was an article with KD Lang, and she talked about how Julie Andrews was her first crush. As she went on and on all of a sudden I yelled out OMG. Lightbulb, on. SAME, KD. Same! No wonder I loved her with that dykey little haircut in Sound of Music, and her being such an independent woman in Mary Poppins! Also, if you haven’t seen it and like Julie Andrews, check out Victor/Victoria. She is HOT there.

  

• My 7th grade BFF. We met at church, and because I lived in the parsonage (yes, I was a preacher’s kid), my BFF would often come over Sunday after morning church to have lunch and hang out until the evening gathering. We did so many things together, and naturally I was jealous of her other BFF, who she had known for years. Sometimes I would watch her from across the church lobby, talking to other people, and notice her hair, her waist, her hips, her ass, the curve of them all. I would suddenly realize I was staring and feel grateful no one else seemed to notice, while at the same time blushing a bit, thinking, “oh, is this something all girls do?” Naturally, living in the homophobic environment that I did, I did not ask anyone that question.

• 8th grade summer “college” camp. Nothing like indoctrinating us early for higher ed. I went to a weeklong camp at a major state college, god knows what the theme otherwise was, but they let us stay in dorms. I became good friends with one girl on my floor. She kept standing closer to me than I expected, but as an introvert, I was only aware that felt nice, since she was nice too. I didn’t think too much of it until Friday night, at the dance they put on for us. Because sure, 8th graders are ready to let their hormones and bodies freak appropriately with people they’ve only known a few days. We were there for a while, wallflowers, and then she asked me if I wanted to dance. I immediately blushed and stammered out a no. I don’t remember anything else from that night other than thinking, she is nice and does have lovely hair, but this isn’t ok.

• Cybill Shepherd. Specifically, from the show Moonlighting, and TBF I was also into Bruce Willis, because hello, I thought I was straight. But as a teenager, I realized I was incredibly taken with her as well--not just how she looked, but how she talked. If you haven’t watched that show, it has very snappy dialogue. I’m sure it’s dated now (hey, it was the 80s) but I had magazine photos of both these two on my walls. Even though I shuttered the thought away immediately whenever it arose, I did imagine kissing her. I mean, how can you not.

  

• My psychology teacher from senior year HS. I’ve always loved psychology, so many of the -ologies, because my parents were big talkers, loving to explore ideas with us. That has truly been a blessing and a curse, having that kind of foundation for relationships! Anyway, so yes, here comes along my dykey-looking psychology teacher, talking about all these concepts I resonate with, giving me straight As (because yes, I already know my shit), and being willing to talk with me after class one-on-one. At some point in the year, I had a dream about her. A dream that unraveled me. It was nighttime, outside, just a bit of moonlight. I was sitting on a chair next to a pool. She was swimming towards me, then slowly got up out of the water. Dripping, sexy as hell, she came over to me, and softly kissed me on the lips. I woke up, freaked the hell out. I journaled the shit out of that for a few weeks. I thought I was going to go to hell for dreaming that, let alone the idea of trying to follow up on it—talk to her more, not try to date her! I did talk to her a bit more, but after I felt like I had explored this unexpected attraction enough inside my head, I shoved it way the hell down, convinced this was wrong, I’m straight, I’m straight.

• My first college crush. I was at a Baptist college, so yep, still religious at that point. Surprisingly, my initial roommate there was a lesbian (my Kroger friend above!) and even though she was not religious, she opened my eyes to how maybe it might be ok to be gay. Truthfully, what opened my eyes for good was this book, What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality. Lifesaver for me. But anyway, because she opened my eyes, and that book opened my eyes, months later I realized I had a crush on a girl in my dorm. She lived in the room next to me, and I didn’t tell her for the longest time, of course, introvert that I was. But I did the usual things. Hung out with her all the time, offered to get stuff for her, talked all the time. She was very intelligent, and brainy talk is a surefire way to get to me. One day a bunch of us went ice skating, which two of us had never done. Being from the midwest, she was an expert, so a friend of mine was on her left, and I was on her right. She held our hands as we made our way around the very busy rink. I was doing ok for a bit, then suddenly lost my balance. My right hand went flailing towards her, trying to grab onto something. Well it did. It grabbed her right breast. OHHHHSHIT. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry!” I yelled, turning positively crimson. She blushed too, and laughed, but said, “It’s ok.” The rest of the skating session was calm (other than my racing pulse), but oh, did I think about that brush with greatness over and over for the next few weeks. And then, I finally told her. I was in love with her. She then told me two depressing facts: 1) she wasn’t attracted to me and 2) she was secretly dating her roommate. We became good friends though, and burgeoning “omg-I’m-a-lesbian-women-everywhere-are-amazing” feelings being what they are, I found my first girlfriend a few months later.

From there, I went on to have 2 wives and 1 fiancée, and have been single for a few years. I was married to my first wife for 18 years before she passed away. So yeah, I’ve got plenty of history to mine for more stories. I started life thinking I was a straight girl, and thanks to religion it took me a while to figure out that wasn’t true, but thank God 😉I figured that one out.

It’s hard to make a living in the Seattle area, especially as a (new) small business owner that focuses on dogs, because this is an expensive place to live. So at the end of 2025, I quit my dog daycare job and went back to a full-time office job that would let me be more comfortable (not need food stamps!) even though it meant not being around dogs anymore.

I was fired from my shiny new office job at the end of the first week. I could write a post about how messed up that experience was. But because my daycare job had hired a replacement for me, I couldn’t go back to my old job. And because I was already living on the edge financially, suddenly I faced the possibility of homelessness.

Luckily, I have an amazing friend who took me in and has been giving me safe harbor while I look for another job. She wanted me to not take “any job”, but wait for one I really wanted to do. This is an insane blessing, particularly in this job market. Earlier this year, I got several interviews for good-paying office jobs, had several final-round interviews, and things looked promising…but no offers. Then things dried up—fewer jobs were being posted, and the interviews became rare. For anyone job hunting right now, I feel you. The market has been horrible the last few years. But after the flurry of activity and then silence, I felt depressed.

A friend alerted me to a petsitting job in early April, on the island I lived on for a few years. While I was excited to earn money, I cared more about time with new animals, and being able to easily see some of my local friends again. This gig was watching 4 cats and 1 dog. For the most part, the cats were cats—sleeping in nooks of the very large house, unless it was mealtime/harassment time. But the dog…

To say this handsome fella became my best friend was an understatement. He loves being outside, but inside, he was the epitome of a velcro dog. The house I live in now has a tiny dog, but I don’t interact with her too much, since she’s incredibly bonded to her owner. So to suddenly have a medium-to-large dog glued to me, nuzzling me or sleeping next to me almost 24/7…I forgot what that was like.

Despite the intensity of my past experiences, I somehow had forgotten the level of emotional and spiritual connection I have with most dogs out there. I am that person that dogs walk up to on the street. It’s been that way since I was a kid, but once I started doing dog massage and Reiki, it became almost constant. Because they know. Dogs know I am a safe and good person. If our eyes meet, I’m sending them love. If we get to say hi up close, they’re totally getting all the pets and kisses.

Anyway. This little dude and I went to all my favorite parks on the island, hiking all over. We went to my friend’s house and spent the day, where he played with another dog, and supervised egg decoration. We had an amazing week together. I also worked through a fuck-ton of emotional baggage during my time on the island, and cuddling with him at night made that even easier.

The day finally came for me to leave. The owners returned, everyone said their excited hellos, and I took most of my stuff to the car. When going back to get my last bag (I thought), I said goodbye, and as I opened the door, he ran ahead to my car. The owner called out his name, asking him to come back. He turned around with a confused look, like, “Aren’t we going on another adventure?” The owner called him again, and after I did too, he slowly walked back inside. We both couldn’t help saying “aww”, since he clearly wanted to keep hanging out with me, despite the owner being home! I was surprised; when most dogs are reunited with their owners, they quickly ignore the pet sitter in their excitement. Not today!

I said goodbye, drove off and got about 10 minutes down the road when suddenly I realized I’d left a bag at the house. I zoomed back, explained and went to the room with my bag. When I got to the door, little dude was right there and tried to follow me out of the house again! I saw him and slowed, giving time for the owner to come close and hold onto his collar. She had to force him to stay there. That’s how much he wanted to come with me. And trust me, these are amazing owners. He is well cared for. He had just fallen for me, too.

While it was good to be home, I seriously missed him for a few days. And then inspiration hit me. Instead of looking for a high-paying office job, I should figure out what my new minimum salary needed to be if I got a job working with dogs. Because the joy I would get, being with dogs all the time, would easily be worth the additional 20k+/year.

So I looked. I found some jobs, none of which paid enough. The next morning, I went to the park across the street. Its paths are often full of joggers and dog walkers. After walking about a mile, I stopped to fix my sock, which had fallen into my shoe. I leaned on the fence, thinking about the job situation again, then looked back the way I had come.

I saw a woman walking her dog, and the dog caught my eye due to semi-unusual markings on its head. Not wanting to stare, but also curious, I looked away, but then also looked back a few seconds later. I felt like I was trying to figure this dog out, which made no sense because, what’s for me to figure out? It’s just a dog.

I looked away again, realizing I might be staring. I told myself, “You can look at the dog again after they pass, then they won’t know you’re staring at them.”

A few seconds after they passed, I looked their way. They had stopped. The woman was slightly turned towards me, but her dog had completely turned around and was staring at me.

She said, “I think she wants to talk to you.”

I asked, “Can I come over to say hi?”

She nodded, and we both moved closer.

As I started to pet her head and ears, I looked up, and asked, “What’s her name?”

She said, “Lola.”

I looked back down and said, “Oh, Lola!” In that moment, she nuzzled me hard, pushing her face into my legs.

“Aww!” we both said. As she kept leaning into me, the owner said, “She never does that!”

I thought to myself, “If I had a nickel for every time a dog owner has said that to me, I’d at least have a few hundred dollars!” But I just smiled, kept petting Lola and kissing her on the head while we chatted.

After a few minutes, I felt the owner was ready to move on, so I stood all the way up. “Well, I hope you both have a great day!”, I said.

The words “You too” were barely out of her mouth when Lola shoved her face back into my legs, once again leaning against me hard. We both laughed.

“I guess she wasn’t done,” I said, laughing.

“I guess not,” the owner said. “She really likes you. She never does this with someone she doesn’t know. You really made her day!”

“Well, she made mine, too,” I said. “You two have a great day.”

“You too!” she said, and they continued down the path.

I made it about 30 seconds towards home when I realized I needed to capture what had happened. Not just because it was a beautiful encounter, but because I had been trying to decide whether I should keep looking for these lower-paying but emotionally and spiritually rewarding jobs with dogs. And what happens?

Out of nowhere, I decide to look to my right.
Despite seeing several dogs that morning, one unexpectedly catches my attention.
Somehow, she heard me. I caught that dog’s attention, too.

That Lola, in those few minutes, oh, how she loved me. She didn’t know me, but she was determined to love me.

I loved her back. I rubbed her ears, her chest, and kissed her soft little head.

With each of her nuzzles into me, she was telling me. This is where you’re supposed to be. With my kind. We need you, and you need us.

When I realized this—that I had been asking for a message, was listening in ways I didn’t even know I was listening, and then the universe responded—I started crying. It’s not fun to cry in public, but at least they were happy tears. I don’t know how long it will take to find the right job, but I don’t care. I abundantly accept that dogs are part of my mission. I look forward to more of them in my life. It’s coming. ❤️

I had no idea how good coming here would be for me, my voice, my heart, mind and soul. I have learned so much, processed more grief, and met amazing people speaking from a depth that is so rare, so hard to find in this world. As of my writing this, I have 48 subscribers. Most of you are pretty quiet on my page and that’s ok. I’m just amazed there are 48 people who find me interesting enough to follow.

Thank you to everyone who has left a heart or comment for me on one of my pieces, and is reading this post. I’m closing with one of my favorite quotes. I’m so grateful for all of you, and for this space where we all can create. ❤️

I know your lines

Your curves

My eyes can’t help but light up

Seeing you before me


And then

My bubbling heart bursts

I am no longer yours

You are no longer home

Your trees don’t hold me

Your light won’t hold me

Your shores won’t call me

You let me float by

Untethered

Sway to the music
Let this moment be soft
Let this space be sacred
Among the throngs
Let the world dance around us
Let them jump
Shout
They cannot reach our island
Waves of strangers
Will never reach these shores
I shelter you

And you
You slowly lift your head
Your eyes meet mine
Your smile meets mine
And I know

And as I watched the 3rd person in a row talk about what this process is like on that last day, being with the person who wants to die and their families, all I can think about is how utterly calm I feel.

Because while I have not been next to someone who chose this kind of action, chose to end their life with dignity, I absolutely have been around several animals soon before they passed — clients, and my own pets. I also have the experience of multiple family members, including my first wife, passing away fairly young.

I know what it’s like to be around people and animals who have been ready to die for a long time, and I know what it’s like to be around them after they no longer inhabit physical form. I believe that souls and spirits stay with us, for varying amounts of time, after death, which I find a comfort. It is the last part of their journey. Some of these beings have stayed and become part of my spirit guide team, for which I have been incredibly grateful.

And coming back to the prompt, maybe the longer version of what I would tell my younger self is, “Hold on, because life is going to throw you some curve balls, but it’s going to get better because you kept your eyes and mind open. Days will come where you believe things and do things you never thought possible. So hang on, sweet girl. You’ve got an amazing ride ahead of you.”

Trust me, I have plenty to still work out about my life. The last 4 years of my life have completely upended the 50 years that preceded it. After decades of being the strong, silent, responsible and financially successful person, my life has radically shifted. My financial and living situation are not tenable long-term. I’ve been job hunting for months. Major relationships have ended.

But I am stronger than I was 4 years ago. Stronger in my sense of self, stronger spiritually and emotionally, and my remaining friendships have also gotten stronger and deeper. I have a sense of purpose and meaning now that I never had before. That extends to my willingness to survive. My entire life I struggled with depression and feeling suicidal. I recently wrote about how I came to a true sense of purpose.

Which is why, ok yes, my first instinct was correct. My message to my younger self is still to hold on. I may not know what’s coming next, and there is a lot to sort out, but I’m so much more in tune with myself — the pain and the joy — and that’s the only way to live life. I would rather feel the shit out of every day, even if some days suck ass. Some days are fucking amazing. And, even the hard days are amazing, truly. To sit with someone in active grief, helping them navigate the passing of a loved one, that is one of the best possible gifts we can give. It is an honor. I know that is one of the gifts I am here to give. I am here to hold space for those who are grieving, including myself. I look forward to the journey this gift will continue to take me on. It so is not for everyone. But it is mine, and I am grateful.

I wrote this today, but I’ve been writing it for 15 years. When my father died, my mother called around 5am to tell me. On the drive to see them, I put on the radio to help wake me up. That was the first time music became unintelligible to me. It literally felt like a foreign language. I remember a song coming on that I loved, that I knew by heart, and I kept saying to myself, “Why is this on? Why is this something that anyone ever does—creating this thing, this strange combination of words and sounds?”

After two songs, I shut the radio off and drove in silence. My brain could not comprehend what was happening. Despite music surrounding me my entire life, despite being that person who always has a song in their head, in that moment, trying to understand music was too much. It was almost a week before I listened to music again. I eased in with instrumental music, eventually working my way back to my full library.

Since then, I have seen the passing of several loved ones, humans and pets. Every time, my body and soul needed time for silence. My cat Shoni passed on Monday. Yesterday I rode in the car with a friend, and we usually have the music blasting. Not long after we got in, I said, “I’m not ready for music yet.” I hadn’t told her about this trait of mine, but being the amazing friend that she is, she just accepted it.

This poem is dedicated to everyone I have lost in the last 15 years, either because they have passed or they are no longer in my life. I love you all. I miss you all. I also am so glad that the music always, always returns. Music is in my blood. Sometimes the blood has to stop for a beat, but she always comes back. ❤️

Almost 13 years ago, I went to the Humane Society with my first wife. We’d had two cats pass in the year prior, and she was ready for another one. I wasn’t ready, but my wife was very ill, homebound, and I wanted her to be happy. There was an elder sable grey we wanted, but it turned out he didn’t like us, and then my wife found Shoni. They were both smitten, so home she came.

My wife died 7 months later, so they didn’t have much time to bond. My mom died 3 months after that. I was thick with grief. I didn’t bond much with Shoni then; I was already bonded to Pearl, my sweet little dog. My sister, BIL & their pets moved in soon after to help me. I’m grateful they did, but Shoni was not. Shoni wanted to be the only pet in existence, and she made that clear Every Single Day with intimidating scowls, growls and the occasional swipe at whatever animal came her way.

A few years later I met my second wife. When we realized we wanted to move in together, Shoni moved in with her first. I lived 3 hours away, so it took a bit to sort everything out. During that 1:1 time together, they both fell in love, hard. Shoni mellowed under that love. I was so happy for both of them. Many years later, Shoni developed severe hypothyroidism, and almost died a few times. We started calling her a gold-plated kitty because of all the money we spent treating and eventually curing her, but it was worth every penny.

When my second wife and I got divorced, I ended up with Shoni and our dog Wendell. Wendell was very sick and passed shortly afterwards, but Shoni was right there in my face (literally), ready to take his place. He had been my shadow, and she was ready to be the new one.

And I’m so grateful she was. Over the next year, I got a bad concussion, broke up with my fiancée and moved out of state. Everything I had been through in my life, but especially the last few years, had broken me. I didn’t know who I was anymore, but more importantly, I was done being me.

A few months prior, my ex-fiancée had gotten a psychic reading that said Shoni was going to pass away in 6 months. I am a firm believer in psychic abilities. I have them—and honestly, we all do—but things can change on a dime, thanks to free will. I shouldn’t have taken that reading as immutable fact but I did. I decided that once Shoni passed, which hopefully was in a few months, then I would leave this earth, too. I had everything mapped out.

Shoni needed minor surgery around the time she was ‘supposed’ to pass. I thought ok, this is it, she won’t survive the surgery…but she did. I was glad she made it, but also not. My ’out’ was gone. I spent the next several days crying. What am I going to do now? I can’t leave her, but I don’t want to be here anymore.

I fumbled along for a while. Existing, moving a few times, but aimless. I knew something needed to change, but I was blocked. I thought, maybe I should try energy healing again, see if it can inspire me to live again. In the span of a few weeks, I moved again and had energy healing sessions from two different practitioners. I could tell things were shifting, but I still wavered with existence.

Then I remembered and deeply felt getting a message months before, during a Reiki session. “You’re an animal healer.”

At the time, the message had startled the hell out of me. I wasn’t sure what to do with it, and I kind of blocked it out. The concussion helped, too. But with Shoni next to me, reflecting again on that message, and the recent work for my energy blocks, my despair shifted to hope. I knew I needed to become a Reiki master and dedicate my life to helping animals. That was my new mission.

This journey has faced some serious challenges. But I needed that deep knowing, that no matter what fills my days, giving comfort to animals will always be a huge part of why I’m here. That knowledge grounds me AND lifts me up. But I wouldn’t have allowed my soul the time to come to that knowing if I didn’t have Shoni. By continuing to live, she saved my life.

That day was almost 2 years ago. So much has happened since then. My spiritual growth and connection to purpose has blossomed. I have loved, grieved and healed deeply. Shoni has been with me every step of the way, even though those steps have gotten slower and more wobbly. Last year I got a message that she likely would pass in 2026. At a recent vet appointment, I found out she had developed a bad heart murmur and likely had congestive heart failure. Almost as if because it had been called out, her well-being rapidly declined after that visit. I knew it was time to finally let her rest.

The last two days I’ve woken up with Fleetwood Mac’s “Hold me”, and I know why. During her last week, Shoni asked me to hold her over and over. Until last week, she had slept on my chest a handful of times in the last 12+ years, but the last several days, she rested her heart next to mine several times every day, sometimes for hours. She knew she could count on her momma.

And now, this is the first time in 32 years that I won’t have a pet. Won’t have a little soul to cuddle me at night, scamper next to me, squeak, meow, or playfully bark at me every day. It’s a little wild to think about.

Thank you, Shoni. Thank you for coming into my life even when I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. The universe knew what was needed. Thank you for being my anchor. I will dearly miss you.

Yesterday I read a post about grief and loss that almost angered me. The author talked about how, as a result of grief in our lives, we make clean work of anything that doesn’t align. It hardens us, removes kindness, and gives us a brutal clarity about what we want in our lives. I kept waiting for a punchline that balanced these harsh words, but it never came. They wrote with such authority, as if their perspective was the only one.

While I agree that intense loss and grief provide clarity about what matters, I could not disagree more about it softening me. Because of the losses I have been through, my compassion for myself and others has only deepened. Grief can be a hard edge, but it also is the softest, most tender thing in the world. If we allow it, grief is a flower gently unfolding, saying: here I am. Here is my beautiful world, built with tears and joy and love.

I do love grief as a flower, but the more I sit with my experience over time, I really love the idea of grief as a chameleon. A dancing chameleon, maybe, because you never know where it’s going to go, what color it’s going to be today.

Grief is a dance.

Joy loves to dance.

How will the chameleon show up for you today? Perhaps grief will be sharp, cutting you wide open once again. Perhaps grief will be a wave you ride, filling your senses and then easing back to almost-stillness. Or perhaps the chameleon will bubble up as a surprise memory, perhaps followed by laughter, because joy is a bubble, too.

Grief is magic.

Joy is magic.

Because our minds, our souls are magic. Grief is never any one thing. It evolves, just like we do. The deepest grief is because of deep joy we’ve had, so they are inevitably entwined. Life partners.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s been a banner week over here with the cards. These are in succession, and all appeared upright, except Five of Swords. And, deck translation: Apprentice = Page, Oracle = Queen. This deck makes a point of not following gender stereotypes, and I love that. The art also blows me away.

The cards above say good things are coming. So many kinds of good things are coming to those who make wise decisions, listen to their heart and their body. I have never had such an amazing spread, and I’ve never drawn most of these cards before.

The exception again is Five of Swords. So when I saw it, even though I’m currently at a peaceful place, I wasn’t stunned. For most of the last 4 years, I have been enmeshed in relationship turmoil, which is why I’ve seen this card many times. Normally I would never quote AI, but I love this bit about Five of Swords from Google AI overview:

It suggests ending a hostile situation, forgiving others, or walking away from a toxic battle that is no longer worth your energy.

Toxic battle. No longer worth my energy. Forgive others.

There has been an on-and-off battle for almost 4 years. With people I loved. Who I think loved me, but let’s be honest, when someone you care about has a lifelong history of emotionally abandoning themselves, you really shouldn’t be surprised when they abandon you. You shouldn’t be surprised when that love is conditional, when you have to shrink yourself to fit.

I am not a Shrinky Dink. And because I’m not, and for other reasons that uprooted my life, I finally left that toxic battle. To be fair, even after all this time, I was willing to try. The connections I’ve had with these people are some of the deepest ones I’ve known in my 50+ years. We talked many times about growing old together. The picture we painted together was beautiful.

And also doomed to fail. Long story short, I didn’t realize that the only reason things had been working—when they did work—was because of things unsaid. Because of boundaries unspoken, but also some spoken ones that were doozies. Because of expectations that some of us stay small. Can you please just stay in your box…over there? You can shine from there, but just in that one direction, ok? Because if you shine a light where I didn’t ask, if you show what is secret and I don’t want to admit about myself, what I think will break me, then we’re done.

Bonus: I won’t tell you we’re done. I will just stop talking to you.

This was not the first time I have been ghosted or abandoned. But I do know this will be the last. Because, just like AI said, this is no longer worth my energy. I made that decision a few months ago. The road to forgiveness—see, AI, I’m listening to you—has been rocky. But after tons of work on myself, finally getting spiritual and emotional clarity around the past, I found peace amid the ambiguous grief that has waged war for so long. No one else will give me closure, so I have given it to myself. I found answers to questions I didn’t realize I needed to ask, and those insights were amazing. But those answers also made it easy for me to extend forgiveness.

Because I could see these people in a new way. It sounds funny, but I feel like I was able to witness them through time, how their scars and wounds—and mine—led us exactly to where we landed. It doesn’t make what happened ok. But it’s very human, and I choose compassion for all of us. I forgive them for where they are right now. I understand that the path they are on must not include me. But more importantly, I understand that the path I am on must not include them. In order for the sun, stars, empress and more to send blessings my way, I had to give up our old path. I have learned so many lessons, and I can thank them for that, but lesson #1 is that I had to stop being a Shrinky Dink. If I have a light to shine (and I do), then I’m gonna fucking shine it everywhere.

Last night I had a dream about an ex. In the dream, we were friends, and on our way to meet up with another friend. We skipped along a sidewalk while singing a song that we both liked—one that we’d sung together in the car.

We met the friend at a van. They said hello but then left, so my ex and I got in. She was driving, but the front only had the driver's seat, no front passenger seat. I decided to sit on the floor next to her, since we weren’t going very fast. We talked for a while and then suddenly, temporarily, I rested my cheek on her arm as she drove. In that moment, I was like:

Is this ok?

I miss you.

Thank you for being my friend.

And yet, she is not my friend. That’s why in the dream, despite things being lovely there, my conscious brain realized the mistake, and asked her mid-dream if resting my cheek there was ok. She has not been my friend for a while. And even when she was my friend, it turned out that in other ways, she was not.

So when I pulled this card today I was like, well yeah no kidding, that’s what I was just dreaming about. A relationship where there was such a cataclysmic communication breakdown that the relationship is no more.

I wish things were different. That our relationship was in balance. It has been made clear to me that there is no interest in mending that relationship. As such, I have done a lot of work, cord cutting and other things, to break my energetic ties. Which made it a little ironic that today is the first time this card showed up for me, since I’m currently at a pretty good place.

The other element of this card that’s been present in my life is rebuilding yourself. Two of Cups reversed is also about making sure you are loving and honoring yourself. The work I’ve been doing on myself, strengthening my energy practice, doing things that lift me up, focusing my time and resources on things and people who honor me as much as I honor them… that’s my priority now. I do not have the bandwidth for half-assery. I honor myself by prioritizing people who will be honest, kind and accountable with me, no matter what difficulty we may be facing. Do I still miss her friendship? Clearly. If she’s ever ready for an honest, healing conversation, I’m here. Until then, we will walk our separate paths, and that’s ok.

Ironically, yesterday I pulled the Eight of Swords reversed, which is all about releasing negative thought patterns and beliefs. I used to believe so many harmful things about myself, and some of them had to do with my ex. No more. While I certainly am not perfect, I recognize that I have amazing gifts to offer a friend or partner. But there is no benefit in throwing good energy after a relationship that refuses to grow.

Rebuilding after loss is hard. Grief fucking sucks. But if you’re a recovering people-pleaser like me and this post came your way, maybe it’s time to stop taking the high road and put yourself first.

I would love to hear from others about interpretations of both of these cards, they’re very interesting!

I am relatively new to tarot, so when I read the guidebook for this card today, at first I was stumped. This deck, which is my absolute favorite because of the art, feminist and queer-friendly framework, normally has guidance that hits me spot on. Not today. And to be fair, the description for reversals are terse. You can only pack in so much, and today’s theme was pretty much, are you too angry? If so be careful.

I get angry maybe twice a year, tops, so I didn’t connect with that. Because I’m currently without my library, I went to the internet, where Biddy Tarot came to the rescue.

Biddy said: hey, are you forgetting how awesome, how strong you are, how good you are at taking the challenges life gives you and knocking them out of the park like the rockstar that you are? If yes, you forgot, then please be kind to yourself and reconnect with your rockstar self.

I’m paraphrasing of course but in that moment I thought about how earlier today I saw a post from a former friend of mine. Someone I hurt, but they also hurt me. Their post disclosed a problem in their life and how they’re handling it.

Big-hearted softie me wanted to reach out to them, to be a support. Then I reminded myself how they’ve made it abundantly clear they are done with me, despite my desire to make things right. I’m only now at the place where I feel somewhat healed over that rift.

So then I said to myself: hey, between that and everything else in 2025, you been through some shit in the last year, girl. Real shit. But, did you learn? Did you grow? Did you power through that shit and come out stronger?

Hell yes I did. I’m still working on finding a new job, but I’ve had several encouraging interviews lately. A good friend gave me a safe place to land as I ride this wave. She’s reminded me to be kind to myself, and given me space to remember I am merely a rockstar in stealth mode. May we all be so blessed to have a friend like her.

I started using Substack a few days ago. I came over thanks to a friend, but to say that it’s a breath of fresh air is putting it mildly.

It’s just the fresh air I needed.

In the last few days, I’ve read several pieces that blew my mind, and I’ve written two haikus in the last 24 hours, thanks to a page that posts poetry prompts. Despite never having used Substack, a few weeks ago I pondered writing and sharing poetry here. Little did I know it was a premonition.

I don’t have grand visions for this space other than it being a mashup of poetry, deep thoughts, grief processing, reiki/tarot/metaphysical musings, and nature/dog photos from the beautiful PNW. But, as I’ve seen many others do, I’m calling in connection with like-minded folks. If I don’t know you, but you found this post and those topics interest you, I’d love if you followed me and/or commented so I can follow you. I’ve been so impressed already with the kind and thoughtful people I’ve met here, and I welcome more of them into my life.