Huge thanks to Lori Tucker-Sullivan for joining me as we chatted about her book I Can’t Remember If I Cried: Rock Widows on Life, Love, and Legacy, grief, music, perseverance , and much more. Make sure you go buy her book and check out her playlist “I Can’t Remember If I Cried: Rock Widows Playlist.”

Enjoy the replay, and add any questions or comments for Lori in the comments.

I’m taking next Monday off for Labor Day, but I’ll be back in two weeks chatting with Joselin Linder of Prose Playground on Sept 14. Hope to see you there!

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Enjoy the replay, and add any questions or comments for Stephanie in the comments.

I’ll be back next Monday chatting with Lori Tucker-Sullivan, author of I Can’t Remember If I Cried: Rock Widows on Life, Love, and Legacy. Hope to see you there!

Get more from Heather Sweeney in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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Last week I had to make the impossible decision all pet owners dread. It was quick and unexpected. And saying goodbye to my sweet dog Gunner broke my heart into a million little pieces.

When I say it was quick and unexpected, it really wasn’t. Gunner was 15 years old, an age most Labrador retrievers don’t see. We watched his gradual deterioration for years, bracing ourselves for the worst when he had to have a toe amputated, when he started struggling with stairs, when his walks got slower and his naps got longer, and when we thought he might have had a stroke nearly a year ago.

So I knew this was coming. I knew my time with him was getting shorter. But despite attempting to prepare myself, I was in total shock when I brought him to the vet last Monday morning and came home without him.

This actually wasn’t the first time I said my goodbyes to Gunner. There was the boating accident that thankfully I wasn’t there to witness. There was the cancer that caused multiple surgeries and overnight stays at the emergency vet. There was the unexpected surgery months after that to discover his body had rejected the internal sutures from the cancer surgeries.

This dog’s will to live was unmatched.

While he was recovering from the cancer-related surgeries that ultimately saved his life when he was only two years old, I was coping with my divorce. He was my loyal companion, always by my side as he seemed to sense I needed him, a story that will live on forever in an essay in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book.

Such a huge part of our days involved making sure Gunner adhered to the routines that seemed to keep him cognitively sound and happy as he got older. I wonder how long it will take for me to not be triggered by 6:15am, noon, 5:00pm and 8:00pm, the times when Gunner went for walks. Or eating SkinnyPop without throwing some pieces on the floor for him. Or filling up his water bowl, moving his bed downstairs in the morning and upstairs at night, or the expectation of his snout nudging my elbow at my desk if I was late with any of those routines.

Gunner loved the beach, rotisserie chicken, belly rubs, chilling on the deck in the sunshine and being close to his humans. He hated baths, having his picture taken or his ears cleaned, and watching us leave the house.

I feel his absence everywhere.

When we were at the vet saying our goodbyes, I knew I was going to forget to say something important to Gunner and that it would hit me what I forgot in the days to follow. Sure enough, two days later it hit me. I forgot to sing to him.

One of my idiosyncrasies is that I walk around my house singing songs I make up as I go along, some set to the tune of real songs. For years, I’ve been singing a song to Gunner set to “Sweet Caroline” with the lyrics changed to “Sweet Gunner Dog.”

Sweet Gunner Dog. Buh buh buh. You’re a very good boy. So good. So good. So good.

I used to sing that to Gunner all the time. And I forgot to sing it to him as I said goodbye.

When I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t believe I forgot the song, I also said I was looking for a sign from Gunner that he’s okay, just as he saw a rainbow after a storm shortly after our cat Bandito passed away.

About a half hour after that conversation, while I was at the gym attempting to grasp onto some semblance of normalcy in my grief and blasting a playlist on shuffle during a workout, guess what song randomly hit my AirPods?

Sweet Caroline.

Thanks for the sign, Gunner. Now run free and painless, knowing I’ll miss you forever. You’re a very good boy. So good. So good. So good.

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free.

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

And as a former military spouse, this news has been all over my social media feeds. But I’m guessing it hasn’t been in yours.

“Thriving military families mean a more resilient fighting force and thus a stronger and more secure America,” Trump stated in the executive order. “It is the policy of the Federal Government to prioritize the quality of life of our military spouses and families while maintaining the highest standards of military readiness.”

The order mentions “liaising with military spouses to determine common areas of concern.” The commission aims to develop policies surrounding many issues facing military families, including “housing, employment, healthcare, education, and deployment-related support.” It promises to recommend “practicable actions to help ensure the overall well-being of military spouses.”

Having lived military life for over a decade, my initial response to this announcement was hope.

However, I’ve heard all this before.

This isn’t the first time an administration attempted to recognize the challenges military families face in support of their service members. In 2011, Michelle Obama and Jill Biden launched Joining Forces, an initiative to bring national attention and support to military families. Similar to the new Military Spouse Commission, the aim of Joining Forces was to address things like military spouse employment, education, and wellness.

Back in 2011, I was still a military spouse. And I was indeed dealing with all of the issues that Joining Forces was created to address. Which is why I was thrilled that our little community of military spouses was finally getting attention and possibly some help and support in this lifestyle that the average American knows nothing about, a meeting point at the military-civilian divide (a topic I wrote about in my first ever New York Times piece, also in 2011).

Sure, it sounded great that Joining Forces wanted to “create greater connections between the American public and the military,” “highlight the workforce potential of veterans and military spouses,” and “call attention to the critical issues facing veterans and military families.”

But despite the good intentions of Joining Forces and the brief national attention it might have received outside the military community for a handful of news cycles, I personally never saw results for myself or any of my military spouse friends.

It didn’t help me get a job and figure out a way to hold onto one while moving every two to three years.

It didn’t offer me any educational opportunities.

It didn’t find me affordable, timely child care.

It didn’t provide me with “wellness programs and resources” (whatever that even means).

I’m not criticizing the initiative. I was excited that politicians were actually acknowledging how difficult military life is for families as their loved ones serve our country so that maybe I didn’t have to act so strong all the time and pretend I wasn’t secretly struggling. I think Joining Forces meant well. I just don’t think it accomplished anything.

So do I think the President’s Military Spouse Commission will accomplish anything? Probably not.

Although I haven’t been a military spouse since 2013, I’m not seeing a whole lot that has changed for the better for military families in the last 13 years. Deployments are still happening. Wars are still happening. Military families are still struggling. Military spouses in my social media feeds are still talking about the same issues I was coping with two decades ago back before most of those social media feeds even existed.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see and hope for the best. While we wait, I’m sending much love to all the military families doing the best they can right now.

Want to learn more about military life? My memoir Camouflage gives a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like to be married to a service member.

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free.

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

Enjoy the replay, and add any questions for Casey in the comments.

I’ll be back next Monday chatting with Rachel Thompson from BadRedhead Media about all things marketing. Hope to see you there!

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When I got divorced, I was a single mom of two young children in elementary school. Without a partner to share the invisible labor of household chores — laundry, groceries, cooking, dog walking, taking the kids to extracurricular activities and the million other little things mothers do on a daily basis that we probably could do in our sleep — the burden fell fully on me.

But honestly, it felt like I was doing less work than I was during my marriage.

Yes, I just said my life was easier in some ways when I became a single mother.

As a military spouse, I spent the majority of my marriage apart from my husband. I had no choice but to do everything myself. Even during time periods when I planned on his physical presence at home, I often couldn’t fully depend on his help because we were always on the unpredictable timeline of the military. When the Navy said go, he went.

But when he was home, when there were stretches of time that I could exhale a little and rely on him to take over certain duties like mowing the lawn or swinging by the store to grab ingredients for dinner or doing the bedtime routine so I could complete my kindergarten students’ report cards that were due at work the next day, he often fell short.

Even after we went to marriage counseling, after we went on a Navy-sponsored marriage retreat with dozens of other couples and learned our love languages — mine is acts of service — he still didn’t chip in as much as I needed him to. I was a stay-at-home mother for about six years (thanks in part to our overseas move to Japan for three years) so I rationalized that all household duties fell on my shoulders. That was my job. But even after I went back to work, the division of labor didn’t change.

I understood he had a stressful job. I understood he wasn’t home a lot to chip in. And I understood that I probably didn’t communicate my needs effectively. But even after talking over and over and over again in counseling that I needed more help at home to keep our family and household running, this issue never resolved for longer than a temporary basis. I was already doing 100% on the homefront when he was gone. I didn’t understand why the household labor still fell mostly on me when he was home.

This issue wasn’t the cause of our divorce, but it definitely contributed to it in ways that I’m still discovering.

That’s why, when I saw a recent New York Times article called Does Your Relationship Need a ‘Mental Load’ Coach?, I jumped right in because I thought I could relate. (Okay yes, I was also super curious about how this self-described “recovering man-child” Zach Watson was advising other man-children.)

The article confirmed for me that…

I’m far from the only woman who felt this “lopsided mental load.”

I’m far from the only woman who felt like my then-husband was adding to my mental load instead of subtracting from it.

I’m far from the only woman who noticed that, even when her partner attempted to help, he would stop a task at 80% done instead of 100%, leaving the rest for me.

And I deeply felt therapist and author Oona Metz’s wise comment that it’s harder to work with a partner who doesn’t think those jobs are his jobs.

Ms. Metz, the therapist in Boston and the author of “Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women,” said that Mr. Watson’s coaching could be useful if people are open to changing their behavior. But, she said, if it’s a “character issue, where someone thinks, ‘This is not my job, and this stuff isn’t a big deal,’” that may be harder to work with.

In fact, when Oona Metz was a guest on my Substack Live series alongside therapist and author Colette Jane Fehr, we discussed this exact angle.

To paraphrase, she said it’s important to recognize the difference between behavior and character. Behavior is much easier to change than character. For example, is your partner tossing his dirty socks on the floor three feet from the hamper because he doesn’t realize it’s an issue for you (behavior)? Or is he doing it because he doesn’t care that it’s an issue for you (character)?

Looking back on my own marriage, I realize this distinction is an important one, an observation I wish one of my marriage counselors had presented to me as I was trying to analyze whether or not my marriage could be saved.

While I wonder if someone like Zach Watson could have acted as a “mental load” coach for my then-husband, I thankfully don’t need to worry about that now. My life partner is exactly that: a partner in all life things. We have a system of dividing household labor that works for both of us. I feel supported in every way, and I know that if I didn’t, I could communicate my needs and he wouldn’t hesitate to work with me to come up with a new plan.

I learned a lot from my marriage and divorce. No need for a man-child’s advice, but hopefully he can help other couples who are going through what I once was.

For more tidbits of wisdom from Oona Metz and Colette Jane Fehr on communication, relationships and divorce, check out our Substack Live conversation!

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free.

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

Enjoy the replay and add any questions you have for Kate in the comments!

I’ll be back live next Monday at 3pm EST chatting with Casey Mulligan Walsh about her memoir The Full Catastrophe: All I Ever Wanted, Everything I Feared and what she’s been up to since publication. Hope to see you there!

Get more from Heather Sweeney in the Substack app

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Enjoy the replay, and go check out her must-read book Writing That Gets Noticed, listen to her podcast Freelance Writing Direct, and watch her Ted Talk How to Get Noticed in Your Writing and Beyond!

I’ll be back in two weeks chatting with B.K. Jackson about editing the recently released book Relative Strangers. Hope to see you there!

Get more from Heather Sweeney in the Substack app

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Thank you , , and many others for tuning into my live video with ! Join me for my next live video in the app.

Get more from Heather Sweeney in the Substack app

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In fact, 20 years ago I was writing fiction. After having my first child, my brain was in baby mode and most of the books I was reading were the children’s books I read to my son. So I wrote a children’s book.

As my son got a little older and I had another baby on the way, I dabbled in shorter work for children, writing silly poems and short stories for kids with titles like “Pig Olympics,” “Sister for Sale” and “What Did You Hide in My Chicken Pot Pie,” and pitching them to magazines like Wee Ones, Cricket and Highlights.

I didn’t get a single acceptance.

At some point along the way I started writing an adult novel. I think I got a few chapters in and gave up, losing it in a box of floppy disks. Many years after that, as I was contemplating leaving an unhappy marriage, I started writing another novel, likely as a way to project my conflicting emotions onto fictional characters.

But I didn’t put that manuscript aside because I gave up. I put it aside because I discovered I enjoyed writing another genre. My blog about my life as a military spouse was meeting success, and unlike my previous attempts at fiction, I found that writing about my personal experiences came easily to me.

My blog led to a full-time job getting paid to write nonfiction, dozens of bylines at various publications, and the realization that I wanted to write a memoir. All nonfiction.

But now here I am with a published memoir that’s almost nine months old and an itch to immerse myself in another book project. I always hoped to revive that novel manuscript I sidelined to write my memoir, but when I dusted off the three short chapters and found the notebook I had filled with notes, character sketches and settings that I barely remember coming up with, I realized I have no idea what I’m doing.

Switching genres isn’t as simple as I imagined. In fact, I thought fiction would be much easier to write than nonfiction because I can just make stuff up. Use my imagination instead of making sure every last detail is factually correct. What freedom! I thought.

But I’m discovering that the freedom I planned to embrace is actually stifling me. Writing memoir gave me boundaries to work within. Writing fiction feels too boundless by comparison. And I haven’t done a whole lot with this manuscript besides daydreaming and staring at the blinking cursor.

So I’ve decided to pretend I’m a new writer again. Go back to the basics. Remember what I leaned on when I first started writing my memoir.

This means reading craft books for novels instead of memoirs, like Save the Cat Writes a Novel and Story Genius, as well as rereading books I love on general writing and creativity (see photo above). It means reading through all those old poems and short stories to hopefully spark the creativity that inspired me to write those pieces, even if I’m writing a book for adults now instead of children. And it means butt in chair. This novel won’t get written if I’m not writing.

It also means asking for advice. So I’m asking. Novel writers, do you have any advice for me as I switch genres?

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning non-celebrity memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free!

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

Thank you , , and many others for tuning into my live video.

Enjoy the replay, and go buy THE BLUE DRESS! Have questions after watching the recording? Leave them in the comments!

Get more from Heather Sweeney in the Substack app

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If you’ve known me long enough, you know that I’m a huge proponent of therapy.

I’ve been to couples therapy with my ex-husband during our marriage, I stayed in therapy after my divorce to figure out my life going forward, and I relied on therapy as I wrote the first draft of my memoir. There’s something about getting feedback and advice from an objective expert who can help you see things you’re too close to see, who can help you work through issues and feelings you don’t know how to, and to offer insights from their professional perspectives.

That’s why I jumped on the opportunity to interview not one, but two therapists in my latest Substack Live. Colette Jane Fehr and Oona Metz are both therapists, authors, and dear friends of mine. We talked about communication, relationships and divorce, as well as Oona’s book Unhitched and Colette’s book The Cost of Quiet. (If you missed it last week, you can watch the recording here.)

The conversation wasn’t just fun for me, but it was also filled with nuggets of wisdom and advice, knowledge I wish I had access to both during my marriage and during my divorce. I had to learn a lot about communication skills with a partner the hard way, often bottling issues up until that bottle exploded into unproductive arguments. I didn’t know how to express my wants and needs, often putting his needs before mine until I completely lost my voice and identity.

I also experienced a couples therapist who wasn’t a good fit for me, someone I later realized was gaslighting me while constantly taking my then-husband’s side. I didn’t know at the time that it was perfectly reasonable for me to quit seeing her as soon as I felt our sessions weren’t productive for me.

I got divorced nearly thirteen years ago, and it’s taken me almost as long to discover that so many of these experiences in my marriage and divorce that I thought were uniquely mine are actually common occurrences. And there are solutions to these problems.

So what did I learn from my Substack Live with Colette Jane Fehr and Oona Metz? Here are five takeaways from my interview with two therapists about communication, relationships and divorce.

1. It’s common to be avoidant when it comes to having tough conversations. Our brains are wired to keep ourselves safe. We want to keep the peace. But the things you don’t say accumulate, which is why communicating your needs with your partner is so essential.

2. You reach the burned out pursuer phase when you’ve tried repeatedly to communicate your needs with no response or a negative response until you’ve exhausted yourself, give up, and ultimately detach. Unfortunately, this phase often comes with self-abandonment so it’s important to stay connected to yourself.

3. Feeling smaller and smaller in your marriage and feeling unable to express how you’re feeling or you’re able to express your feelings and it’s not responded to leads you to shut down. And this is often a precursor to divorce.

4. It’s important to recognize the difference between behavior and character. Behavior is much easier to change than character. For example, is your partner tossing his dirty socks on the floor three feet from the hamper because he doesn’t realize it’s an issue for you (behavior)? Or is he doing it because he doesn’t care that it’s an issue for you (character)?

5. Word of mouth is a great way to find a therapist if you don’t know where to begin so ask your friends. Psychology Today is another great way to find a therapist in your area. If you’re looking for a couples therapist, make sure you find someone who specializes in couples therapy, not just a therapist who also sees couples. Trust your gut when it comes to finding a good fit, and give your therapist feedback to make sure you’re on the right track. You can get an initial feel for a therapist by asking for a consultation first.

Want more insights from Colette and Oona? Subscribe to their Substacks (Colette is here, Oona is here) and read their books!

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning non-celebrity memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free!

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

We chatted about effective communication, how to avoid abandoning ourselves in a relationship, behavior versus character, how to not only find a therapist but how to also make sure you end up with one who is the right fit for you, and much more. Enjoy the replay, and go check out their books!

Have questions after watching the recording? Leave them in the comments!

I hope to see you next Monday at 3pm EST, with my co-host Rebecca Morrison!

Get more from Heather Sweeney in the Substack app

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We chatted about all things writing memoir, how she got started as a writer, her favorite part of writing her book, and lots more. Enjoy the replay!

I hope to see you next Monday at 3pm EST, with my co-hosts Oona Metz () and !

Get more from Heather Sweeney in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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Thank you so much to everyone who tuned in for our live chat on Monday! Huge thanks to for an awesome conversation (and for taking the wheel when my cough drops failed me and I needed to step away for a minute)!

We chatted about all things freelance writing, getting started as a writer, rejection and lots more, with Andrea’s tips and a shout out to , , and Sue Shapiro. Enjoy the replay!

See y’all next Monday for my next guest!

Because of my book and all the people I’ve met and talked to, I’m finding that I actually love speaking. The more I chat with other writers and readers, the more curious I am about how writers write, what readers want to read, how writers get published, and what readers want to know about authors.

That’s why I decided to launch a Substack Live series. Do I know what I’m doing? Not entirely. But do I already have some awesome guests lined up? You bet I do.

I’m kicking off this Monday, June 15 at 3pm EST/12pm PST with the amazing Andrea Tate. (You might have heard of her from her viral HuffPost essay or from her awesome weekly Substack that’s loaded with great info for freelancers writers (both of which we’ll be discussing).

Whether you’re on the East coast looking for a mid-afternoon pick-me-up or from the West Coast jumping in during your lunch break, I hope you’ll join me and my guests, listening along and commenting with questions.

Every week you can find me here live chatting with writers, readers, editors, experts, and whoever else I think I could have a fun conversation with in the realm of writing, as well as people who’ll join me to discuss some themes in my memoir like divorce and military life.

Want a preview of my first few guests? (Make sure to subscribe to their Substacks linked below!)

Monday, June 15 at 3pm EST: Andrea Tate

Monday, June 22 at 3pm EST: Jacque Gorelick

Monday, June 29 at 3pm EST: Colette Jane Fehr and Oona Metz

I hope you’ll join in on the fun!

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning non-celebrity memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free!

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

On this day, 26 years ago, I walked down an aisle surrounded by sand at my destination wedding in the Bahamas. My soon-to-be husband stood in a beach gazebo surrounded by sparkling clear water, waiting to take my hand in marriage, to recite our vows of forever.

That young couple had no idea what was coming in so many ways. That young couple had no idea that 13 years after that day that was filled with hope, joy, and possibilities, they would be divorced. That young couple had no idea that forever wasn’t in the cards for them. And that young husband had no idea that his young bride had doubts about their marriage mere minutes before they exchanged “I do’s.”

This is a photo from my wedding day in 2000. My father is about to walk me down the aisle. The charcoal-gray sky behind us warns of the storms that would roll in and cancel every other outdoor wedding scheduled that day. A woman wearing a beach cover-up strolls by, as if it’s totally normal to pass through a wedding on her way to her oceanfront lounge chair. And sometime shortly after that photo is snapped, a single, distinct and very clear thought flashes in my mind:

We’re not meant to grow old together.

Throughout my marriage, that premonition circled back many times. From the first time my then-husband announced he wanted a divorce in 2008, to the courtroom where a judge declared us divorced in 2013. I somehow always knew my marriage was going to end.

I don’t regret going through with the wedding despite those doubts. I don’t regret staying in the marriage as long as I did despite my unhappiness. And I don’t regret losing so much of myself and my identity despite how long it took to find myself again.

My marriage had happy times. My marriage allowed me to be a mother to two amazing kids. My marriage taught me important life lessons through the unconventional challenges of military life as the spouse of a service member.

I would not be the person I am today without that marriage. I would not have learned so much about myself and what I want (and don’t want) in my life. I would not have found the man who eventually did become my forever person who I’m currently growing old with.

And while I learned early on in my divorce that it’s okay and even healthy to grieve the end of my marriage and the life I thought I was going to have, days like today, days that once held so much significance, joy and celebration, still cause me to reflect on that life that once was.

My days of grief are long gone, replaced with a version of gratitude I didn’t know existed. This isn’t a sad day. Far from it. It’s a day that had to happen to bring me to this exact moment.

And now that I’ve written this post of reflection about what this day once meant, I’ll move on to what this day has become…just another day in my new and improved life.

Read more about this photo and my wedding day in Chapter 1 of my memoir Camouflage.

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning non-celebrity memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free!

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

So what did a half century of living teach me? Here are 50 things I learned by 50:

1. Enjoy your own company.

2. Feeling uninspired? Go for a walk.

3. You’re never too old to dye your hair pink.

4. Don’t skip dentist appointments.

5. “Fake it till you feel it” isn’t good enough. It’s no way to live your life.

6. The longer you plan for something, the less likely it is to happen as you planned.

7. Life isn’t a competition.

8. A 20-minute power nap can completely turn a rough day around.

9. When someone offers help, take it.

10. Be a person who makes things happen.

11. Read voraciously.

12. Pursue passions, no matter how small or silly they may seem.

13. Laugh. A lot.

14. Always accept your children’s hugs when they offer. One day they might not offer.

15. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

16. Stop repeating patterns that don’t serve you.

17. Dancing it out really works.

18. Don’t let your people-pleasing tendencies dictate your decisions.

19. The grass is always greener on social media. Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes reality to other people’s highlight reels.

20. Don’t talk for the sake of talking. Have something to say.

21. Wear the red lipstick.

22. You won’t always get the apology you feel you deserve. Don’t waste time chasing it.

23. If something is important to you, you can find the time for it.

24. Done is better than perfect.

25. Listen to your body.

26. Your children see and hear everything. Be a good role model.

27. Sometimes knowledge is power. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Know the difference and plan accordingly.

28. Get outside at least once a day.

29. Pets can help you get through the toughest of times.

30. You never know until you try.

31. Take the time to snap photos, but not so much time that you’re not living in the moment.

32. Learn forgiveness.

33. Practice gratitude.

34. If people want you in their lives, they’ll find a way to keep you there.

35. There are two sides to every story.

36. Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself.

37. Enforce the no gadget rule at family dinners. It’s amazing the conversations you can have with a table filled with undivided attention.

38. Travel to another country at least once when you’re old enough to appreciate it.

39. Learn how to cut unnecessary expenses to save money for big adventures (like traveling to another country).

40. Life is not a checklist. You don’t have to be productive every minute of the day.

41. Everything happens for a reason, but there’s a good chance you may not ever know those reasons.

42. Be thankful for unanswered prayers.

43. Everything in moderation.

44. Sometimes silliness is a virtue.

45. Enjoy the journey AND the destination.

46. Unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, and take the biggest breath you can. That felt good, didn’t it?

47. Trust your gut.

48. Perspective is one of life’s greatest teachers.

49. Be kind.

50. It’s never too late.

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post.

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

I’m a half century old.

I have to admit the lead up to this milestone birthday has been all over the map emotionally. Some days I’ve woken up absolutely certain I’m going to be the most fabulous 50 year old woman on the planet. Other days I found myself buying retinol face cream for the first time and contemplating letting those teeny tiny gray hairs grow naturally instead of covering them up.

A decade ago, I greeted my 40’s with a series of sky adventures that kicked off with my 39th birthday because I was so excited I couldn’t wait another year. I was a divorced single mother and had just started a relationship with the man who turned out to be my forever person. I decided to celebrate the world of possibilities the divorce gave me, my birthday sky adventures symbolizing my post-divorce “sky’s the limit” mentality.

My sky’s the limit birthday adventures continued through my early 40’s, and what a blast I had:

Age 39: Skydiving

Age 40: Hot air balloon ride

Age 41: Hang gliding

Age 42: Parasailing

Age 43: Helicopter ride

(Read more about these birthday sky adventures in my essay for AARP’s The Girlfriend called The Annual Birthday Adventures That Remind Me Anything Is Possible.)

I was running out of sky adventures ideas for my 44th birthday, but it didn’t matter because that was 2020, and the only adventure available was figuring out how to navigate being trapped at home during a global pandemic.

Ages 44, 45 and 46 were quiet celebrations with my family. Not adventurous, but a reminder that family is the most important thing in my life.

I’m not sure how the tattoo trend started, but birthdays 47, 48, and 49 ended with new ink. (Technically, age 48 tattoo was inked on Mother’s Day, a couple weeks earlier, but it was supposed to be for my birthday and, like my sky diving adventure, I simply couldn’t wait.)

Age 47: Turtle tattoo

Age 48: Pen tattoo (which I truly believe manifested the literary agent I signed with a month later)

Age 49: Sun and stars tattoos

That brings us to this year. As I tried to figure out how I wanted to ring in my 50th birthday, I thought back on all of these fun, memorable birthday celebrations. I thought my 50th needed to be epic. But I’ve already had all of these epic birthdays.

So I started thinking long and hard about what 50 meant to me. And the same thought kept invading my reflections. A goal tied to this number.

For as long as I’ve been a writer, I had the number 50 in my mind because I wanted to publish a book by the time I turned 50. But after too many rejections to count, three different books started, and a lot of disappointment, that goal was beginning to seem unrealistic.

Today is my 50th birthday. My debut memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage was published in October, which means I hit my goal by 7 months. I did it!

So what’s my 50th birthday wish? Maybe to sell 50 more books. Or maybe to get my 50th Amazon review. Or maybe to collect 50 photos of readers with my book. Or maybe just to hear from 50 people who saw this post and want to say congrats on unlocking a life goal.

But if nothing else, my 50th birthday wish is for you to keep chasing your goals, even those goals that seem unrealistic. It’s never too late. Keep going.

I do have a fun day planned. I may not be plunging out of an airplane or permanently decorating my body, but I’m excited to leap into this new decade with a fun wardrobe, laughter, and some of my favorite people.

In the words of the ineffable Sally O’Malley, I’M 50!

Awesome shirt courtesy of my big brother (who is also celebrating a birthday today).

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning non-celebrity memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post. Subscribe for free!

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!

Of course in reality, this book has been a part of my life for way longer than six months.

I started jotting down notes for Camouflage in 2018. I finished my first draft in 2021. I signed with a literary agent in mid-2024. And I got a publishing deal in early 2025.

I had one professional developmental edit and one professional edit of my query letter. I completed eleven manuscript drafts. I had seven beta readers at three different stages of my revisions. I queried 45 agents.

I’ve celebrated milestones like opening a box of my books for the first time, narrating my audiobook, making a Camouflage Vibes playlist, recording podcasts, and writing companion essays and online interviews.

I’ve attended fun author events (always wearing red!), snapped photos of Camouflage at my local library and a local bookstore, Zoom’ed into a book club, signed many books, eaten cake pops decorated with my book cover, celebrated my first book award, and attended the AWP conference in Baltimore for the first time as an author.

It’s been a wild ride, and I’ve learned so much about book promotion, getting over my fear of public speaking, attempting to be active on TikTok (still a work in progress), and so much more. Being a published author is a dream come true, and I take nothing for granted.

Here’s a recap of where Camouflage has been:

Interviews:

• Nonfiction Writers Conference Publishing Success Story interview

• Meet Heather Sweeney – Canvas Rebel interview

• Divorce Happens podcast

• Where I’m From with Alyson Shelton (Instagram Live)

• Writing in the Dark podcast

• The Rewrite podcast

• The Divorce Survival Guide podcast

• Insights from the Couch podcast

• Military Families Magazine Book Chats with Kate Lewis (Instagram Live)

• Let’s Talk Memoir podcast

• Empowered Women Book Club with Joelle Tamraz

• Fresh Starts Registry Winter Author Series book talk

• Freelance Writing Direct podcast

• Life, Values & Legacy: Our Chat with Heather Sweeney – Bold Journey interview

• HIListically Speaking podcast

• Heather Sweeney On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce – Authority Magazine interview

• The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire 178: Heather Sweeney with Sari Botton

• 5-minutes with... Heather Sweeney with Kiran Singh

• Eager to Please podcast

• It’s Both podcast

• 3 Things I Learned from My Divorce with Writer Heather Sweeney – Divorce Guide Magazine

• Heather Sweeney On 5 Things You Need to Know to Become a Great Author — Authority Magazine interview

• Divorce Clarity Studio podcast

• The Crazy Ex-Wives Club podcast

Companion pieces, reviews, roundups, and mentions:

• I Didn’t Publish a Word About My Divorce for a Year (Brevity Nonfiction Blog)

• C is for Confessions, Center Stage, and Cher (The Nonfiction Book Party Substack)

• Memoir Monday Roundup 11/3/25 (Memoir Land Substack by Sari Botton)

• 5 Marriage Tips from a Divorced Military Spouse (Military.com)

• Still Married to the Military: How Divorcing a Service Member Makes Custody a Minefield (Military.com)

• Our family lived in Japan for 3 years. We’re back in the US now and I really miss these 3 things. (Business Insider)

• Throwing My Past Overboard: What a Solo Vacation Taught Me About Freedom (Provoked Magazine)

• ‘Camouflage’ review: when ‘happily ever after’ ends (Military Families Magazine)

• What I did on my COVID vacation (Fun To Be Around Substack by Stephanie Weaver)

• I thought I was prepared for my husband’s military deployment. Then I realized I had no one to support me. (Business Insider)

• Bored? Exhausted? Let’s See What We’re Not Seeing (Stained Glass in the City Substack by Mary Austin)

• After the Summit, the Story Changed (Loud & Unclear Substack by Molly Wadzeck)

• Memoir Monday Roundup 11/3/25 (Memoir Land Substack by Sari Botton)

• 9 Divorce Memoirs About the Empowering Potential of Endings (Electric Lit)

• The 7 Best New Books To Read In December 2025 (Southern Living/Kait Hanson)

• Books for Christmas reading and giving (Stars and Stripes/Terri Barnes)

• 5 books I’m getting bossy about (Joy in the World Substack by Joy Nicholas)

• REVIEW: Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage by Heather Sweeney (Hippocampus/Karen DeBonis)

• The In-Between Days (Substack by Lisa McCarty)

• Books From Your Therapist podcast

• The Pros and Cons of Launching a Book Without a Publicist (Jane Friedman)

• Heather Sweeney’s Book Notes music playlist for her memoir Camouflage (Largehearted Boy)

• The Business of Being a Squirrel (Better Than Okay Substack by Amy McHugh)

• 2026 Silver Nonfiction Book Award from the Nonfiction Authors Association announcement

• How To Trust Yourself And Take The Risk (Unwritten/Blair Glaser)

• Changing My Hair Color Used to Be an Act of Rebellion. Now I Know It Means So Much More (Open Secrets)

• Inside The Wire: Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage (Cleaver Magazine)

• Memoir Monday Roundup 4/27/26 (Memoir Land Substack by Sari Botton)

A million thanks to everyone who helped me get to this point as a published author and to everyone who has supported me before, during and after publication. Happy half birthday, Camouflage! More fun to come!

Thanks for reading Days Like This, a newsletter by Heather Sweeney. Who am I? I’m the author of the award winning memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage and a freelance writer appearing in The New York Times, Washington Post, HuffPost, Business Insider, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, and many more. Learn more about Days Like This in my intro post.

Order Camouflage now! It’s available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target. If you’d rather listen to a book, you’re in luck. Camouflage is available wherever audiobooks are found. And I narrate it.

And if you enjoyed Camouflage, could you pretty please leave a review at Amazon and Goodreads? Reviews are an excellent way to support writers. Thank you!