For me, I thought that I would know my person because of how they would come into my life. I expected a dramatic entry. I expected someone who would crash into me when I am walking and I would be absolutely smitten. That was not the case. His arrival in my life was quiet and calm. If I was not careful enough, I would not have noticed him.

Conversations with him are smooth. He pays attention to my likes and dislikes. He does not just hear, he listens. Sometimes he says something and I am taken aback because how does he remember that? He rearranged the meaning of love in my life. He makes love with my demons and soothes them. He takes care of me. He is home far from home.

His kisses are like the chirping of birds on a Sunday morning. His hugs feel like coming home after a long day. His love warms me up like hot chocolate during a cold night. His smile is beautiful but oh God, his eyes. A dark shade of brown when he is sad but a very light brown when he is happy.

I never knew that I would be a sucker for calls but when I see his name pop up, I smile like a little girl who just got a new Barbie doll. He worships me. He adores me. He spoils me. He respects me but most importantly, he loves me.

He reassures me even in the tiniest of issues. He stays calm even when I get pissed. He never lets me sleep angry or sad. He does right by me. He has no idea how good that feels after years of being told that I am too much or too dramatic. To be honest, I am but we cannot all be calm. Someone has to flavor life up and I do that fairly well.

We do have our bad days and shortcomings but we talk through the issues instead of shutting each other out.

Life might be hard but we know where home is. We know that we always have each other's backs. We know our hearts belong to each other.

The memory that I keep going back to is a picnic date that we had. For once, he saw me in something that was not black(black is a lifestyle by the way). I was in a short, pink sundress and some nude heels. His absolute surprise and amazement did it for me. But what made that my favourite memory is how everything felt calm. Nothing mattered, we were happy.

I feel light and easy when I am with him. He makes everything better. I am not conscious about myself when I am with him. I can be wild and free and he will watch me with utter adoration and love. I can laugh so loud and he will laugh right with me. I can get sloppy drunk and he will let me have fun. I am too much but not too much for him to handle. I feel like I am bragging now.

So that is the thing about love. It makes me be more myself than anything else. It makes me confident and calm. Love makes me happy. Do not get me wrong, I am happy alone but I am happier with him. I am mine before I am his girl.

You have my heart.

I would take so many photos of you so that you would look back at them and see how far you would have come. I would take you to school and watch my heart go with you as you start building your life. I would help you do your assignments and ensure you get everything done well.

I would watch you try new things like swimming, art, music and I'd support you through each of your phases Waridi. I would prepare you mentally for periods and I would be there for you when the first one comes. I would watch you have your first crush on a boy and pray that your little heart does not ache so much when you realise that boys break hearts sometimes.

I would ensure you watch Gilmore girls because you would be the Rory to my Lorelai. I would ensure that we always get our nails done together so that we can bond more. I would want to give you your first cup of coffee and hope that you love it.I would give you “the talk” and hope that you never have sex although I know you eventually would. I would ensure you read so many novels enough to last you a lifetime.

I would ensure you go out with your friends because those memories would carry you through the dark ones. I would watch you learn to love your body despite all the changes it would be going through. I would teach you how to do your makeup and I would buy you your first full makeup kit. I would help you spend your dad's money to the fullest because he would love spoiling us so much; we would be his most favourite girls in the world.

I would ensure you get the best of everything. I would want you to be better than me and your dad combined because you would be that great, my baby girl. I would watch you bloom to be the most beautiful shade of red, Waridi, the most beautiful rose flower anyone has ever laid eyes on.

I would raise you to be kind and gentle. I would raise you to have a voice for yourself because many people already do not have voices. I would raise you to look at all challenges that come your way straight in the eye, knowing that you always overcome anything and everything. You are Waridi after all. My Waridi.

I would ensure you know how deeply I love you. I would ensure that you know that you always have a home as long as I would be alive. I would ensure that you carry my love with you everywhere because you would always be my baby no matter how old you would be.

I love you so much and that is why I cannot have you. I love you so much that I cannot let you go through the pangs of pain that this world holds. I love you so much that I cannot bear to see you hurt. I love you so much that I cannot let your beautiful heart ever be filled with hatred. I love you so much that I cannot let you know anger or jealousy. Some would say that emotions are the whole point of being human. I agree but you deserve better Waridi.

You would be the only rose in my garden after all so I would want to give you the best. The best being not being in this world but rather in my heart where I hold you dearly. In my mind, you're a soft shade of pink. You are soft and you are calm. Some would see it as a weakness but that is your greatest power Waridi.

In my heart, we are playing by the beach together. We are building sand castles and splashing water all over each other. In my heart, your dad is carrying us along the beach because we are his whole world, the same way you are my whole world. You are my heart, Waridi.

I love you thus I cannot have you. This world does not deserve you. I have your best interest at heart.

Forgive me, Waridi.

I love you, Waridi.

Always and forever.

Your mum.

Their intensity and depth making me drown in them

A smile so beautiful, it made my chest hurt

Words rolling off your tongue so easily and smoothly

A deep and rich masculine voice making me tremble

“Look at me”

I did and I lost all the air in my lungs

You stared deeply in eyes and I blushed so hard

Right hand touching my face and hair

Tracing my skin as if memorising it

“Words can't describe how beautiful you are”

Your lips almost touching mine

Fighting the urge to pull you to me

Intense and deep eye contact

Unable to fight what I feel for you

“Kiss me”

You dared me

I defied you

You smirked, because you knew

Our chests touching each other

Unable to pull away

“Don't fight it”

I did

Until I didn't

Our lips crashed

Relief, intense relief

Our lips moved against each other in sync

I tasted your mintiness and vowed to keep that in my mind forever

Losing ourselves in each other

I pulled away and I could feel your resistance

Holding me tight to you

“How do I move on from you?”

I smiled

It was plain and simple

“You don't”

looking at you headed my way is forever ingrained in my mind

immense joy flooded my veins

i got shy and headed up

you followed

we talked and laughed, sharing memories that we missed out on

you came behind me, pulled me towards you

kissed my neck and cheek

breathless

worked up

conversation was always easy with you

sat on your lap, drunk, holding on to each other

bliss

uttermost bliss

whispering sweet nothings in my ear, me giggling

i inspired your art

like you did mine

pleasure coursing through our veins

our hearts beating to the same rhythm

in the little world we created

falling apart

heads out of this world

holding each other through it all

but

reality crept in

i was never yours

and

you were never mine

we wanted it, badly

but

this is not a perfect world

you left

this time for good.

We have been taught to look for love in grand gestures; in expensive dates, in over-the-top proposals and in pricey engagement rings. Truth is true love whispers. True love is in the shared laughs, in the photos taken off-guard, in shared playlists and in eating street food after a long walk with your lover. It is in remembering how you like your coffee, it is in remembering what made you see love how you see it. In a fast-paced world, tiny things like sending a selfie, sending them a photo of what you are eating or ranting to them about what a certain person said to you that upset you is the invisible bridge between any distance.

Intimacy is sending them a photo of two ducks and saying," This reminded me of us." Micro love is in adapting each other’s lingo. It is in having inside jokes. It is in having small rituals and routines that ground the relationship. It is in apologizing when you are wrong. It is standing firm with each other even when the storm threatens to tear you apart.

Love should never demand that you lose yourself. No. Love should give you a foundation for you to grow. It is in seeing your person chase after their dreams and being so happy for them, not threatened. It is knowing someone is always in your corner giving you the confidence to be who you are destined to be.

I should have known.

I should have known that I would be so gone for you from the word go

I should have known that once you pulled me to your body and hugged me tightly to your chest,I'd be gone

I should have known that once we bought the liquor and went to my place,I'd be gone

I should have known that our little conversation would have made me so attached to you

I should have known that your beautiful eyes would drown me so deeply in you

I should have known that once the liquor started kicking in,we'd have liquid courage

I should have known that in the moments that we shared,I'd feel desired,craved and needed

I should have known that once you kissed me,I'd always think about it

I should have known that once you held me in your embrace,I'd always remember how safe I felt

I should have known that once I felt the whole of you,I'd be so addicted

I should have known that your dominance would keep me awake at night

I should have known that your hunger for me would make the blood in my veins roar with need

I should have known better than to let you go

I should have known that you'd never be mine

I should have known better than to write this here

I should have known that this might find you some day

I should have known

But turns out I don't know.