I have a lot of questions that I don’t have answers too and I have strayed far from God but I don’t think it makes me less of a Christian that is why I want to write this. I used to feel like a hypocrite, I still do sometimes when I spoke about God whilst knowing I’m lustful, envious and everything in between, now I just shove everything down and say what i want to, so back to what I was a saying.

As much as we have a God and worshiper’s relationship……. That’s not what is usually portrayed or shown or taught to us, we are taught that we get to have a real relationship with God, to top it all off his son was sent to die for us and before he did he lived a human life so he got to experience emotions and feelings and all of that, so Christianity is really a personal religion, so with this personal relationship comes expectations and when expectations are not met doubt begins to form, and ironically we are taught that there’s no need to doubt God when you ask or in general because He’ll always show up for you, and in several places in the bible all you need to do is just ask in faith……

So that usually leaves me wondering when I don’t get my prayers answered, did I ask wrongly or did I say something wrong, was I doubting and didn’t realize?……….

This personal relationship isn’t just about me it’s about every believer or non believer, because He said He loves everyone so why is there so much pain in the world? I know we brought this on ourselves with our wickedness but why doesn’t He step in and help, sometimes it’s like He helps others and He doesn’t help others.

I don’t fully understand right now, I may never really understand but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe, because even with all my supposed unanswered prayers, I’m living in some answered prayers so that counts for something, I shouldn’t just dismiss them because I’m too focused on what I don’t have. I’m grateful and it doesn’t make any better, it doesn’t make mean I’m more loved, tbh I don’t even know why but I’m grateful and even if I don’t always understand it I’m grateful that I am loved even when I don’t feel it.

Kenneth.

The first boy I ever loved was Kenneth, we were both 16 and had only spoken for 2 weeks before we got into a relationship. One time my mom read our texts and thought I was having sex( I wasn’t 😭😭) it took me about 3 years to convince her I wasn’t atleast not then😂😂Kenneth was a wonderful boyfriend but the relationship ended after three months because of my insecurities, and I guess he just got tired of it……… it took me about 6 months or more to move on but I finally did and then I met……

Charles.

Charles was my first ever situationship, told me he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship because he wasn’t ready to loose someone he loved and I believed him.

I met Charles at a tech hub, my dad wanted me to learn how to code and trade and I went there to find love😂😂. I don’t know how to code neither did I learn how to trade😂😂.

God I loved Charles and it was a good situationship, till it wasn’t.………he told me his parents wouldn’t accept a northerner( I think he’s new girlfriend is a northerner)😂😂oh well he never really answered when I asked. It took me a while to realize that he just didn’t like me enough to be with me that way but I did over time, and that’s when the resentment started to build up, I hated that he didn’t pick me, I hated that I loved him and it wasn’t enough……… it took a while but i forgave him, he invited  me to church and I went 😂😂not to see him tho I just wanted to experience a new church and I don’t regret it . I’m glad that I don’t harbor any ill feelings anymore.

Joseph

I met Joseph when I was trying to move on from Charles, he had texted me on snap because he thought I was someone else and we just connected from there……… Joseph would have burned the world down just to make me smile. He was the sweetest and I hated that I couldn’t pick him fully……. I felt like Charles to him😂😂I loved Joseph don’t get me wrong but it’s not exactly proper to be with someone else while you’re still figuring out your feelings for another. After we split up( we never even dated) he tried to get me back after a few months or so but I was already with Robin then.

Robinson

I saw Robinson enter church one Sunday with my friend and I told my friend to link us up 😂😂Robin was a fine dark skinned Yoruba man……. I was smitten 😂😂anyways when we started talking he wasn’t giving me the attention I wanted so I stopped entertaining him, till he sent me snap request about a month or two later and somehow somehow the attention he wasn’t giving me then came in two folds, we started dating after a while and it seemed like a good relationship for a while till it wasn’t ( he was a cheat) men too bad cause he was sweet. This was two years ago. Anyways I saw he liked my post on instagram a few days ago, I wasn’t repulsed 😂

I don’t harbor any resentment towards any of them and it’s really nice to see how much I’ve grown as a person with what I’ll condone and what I wouldn’t , I genuinely don’t think I have any regrets about meeting any of them and that’s awesome, I’ve meet other people and liked or sometimes I thought I loved this people but I know deep down I really didn’t atleast not the way I’ve loved Kenneth, Charles, Joseph or Robin. I have a lot of love to give and I’m not one to hold back but I’ve not been able to fully fully love someone and just be immersed in it, maybe I’m saving it up for the right person…….. maybe, maybe not anyways I’m not too worried about it.

I don’t think I am……..but I’m worried.

Okay so I’m just going to put this plainly, I want love, I miss being in love and loving someone and I’m worried that it could be turning into desperation, I’m constantly thinking about it and it’s like I’m always on the look out for a cute man, yuck!

But now the problem is that I don’t want to talk to any man😭ironic isn’t it?

I genuinely don’t even like talking to any man, they all sound the same.

I could have a crush on someone and the minute we start to talk I loose interest ( is something wrong with me)?

I just don’t find anyone interesting enough , i don’t want to even entertain anyone, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, how can I say I want love so much and still push everyone away, maybe it’s because nobody tickles my fancy…….

It’s not even my fault, it’s the men’s fault for being uninteresting and bland. They should go and get personalities and become less vanilla.

I know I’m not desperate in a way that I’d be talking to any and everything but I’m worried that I’m making this a big deal and this might lead me into trouble ( I don’t know what word to use asides trouble). Mehn I don’t even know, anyways introduce me to your cute,tall, rich, interesting, emotionally intelligent cousins , friends and brothers. I might not like them but it’s worth the shot.

Feminism is a social, political, and ideological movement that advocates for the equal rights, opportunities, and treatment of all genders. It seeks to dismantle systemic inequalities and harmful gender stereotypes that disproportionately disadvantage women. (Source Wikipedia).

Misandry on the other hand is defined as the hatred, dislike, or ingrained prejudice against men or boys.

The reason why people think you can’t be a Christian and be a feminist is because they think feminism equals misandry and that is so far from it.

There are girls that say oh I don’t want anything to do with feminism and tbh we even get to have a choice because of the sacrifices of previous feminists, that fought so we could even have a say in what we do with our lives. Women in places like Afghanistan don’t even get to have a choice and because you can’t tell the difference between feminism and misandry you open your big mouth….. waaaaa and say you’re not a feminist because you can’t hate men, very illiterate thing to say.

Being a feminist isn’t even a gender thing tbh, we shouldn’t even have feminism if the fuckass men will just see us equals instead of secondary humans.

Back to being a Christian and feminist, being a feminist doesn’t make you any less of a Christian or doesn’t mean you are going against God and if you think it does then you really don’t know what you’re doing.

You don’t necessarily need to hate men before you are a feminist,even though it can be very hard given the way they are but it’s okay to fight for women’s rights without having to hate.

There are women who don’t have the option to even choose, you get to have a choice and you decide because of ignorance that you don’t want to fight for women’s right because you think you’re being more righteous, because to you fighting for women’s right is hating men then you are using trashing this privilege you have, and not only that you are failing the other women around the world that cant fight or choose.

Educate yourself and stop trying to seem like a better Christian.

Maybe if there was more to me, people’s go to wouldn’t be my looks,they’d talk about other things…… like how hilarious I am( I genuinely think I’m one of the funniest people ever), or how much thought I put into things……. Wait now I’m writing this I’m beginning to figure out there really isn’t a lot to me. Now I have to do a self evaluation about a month early………. Wait wait there’s my music taste and my movie taste. Sometimes I like to think I’m an intellectual but other times or most times when i interact with people I’m worried they might think I’m not very bright………. My boss at work called me dull one time, I cried because I didn’t think he was wrong…….. I like to write with a lot of dots because I like to write like how I talk, it’s easier I don’t have to scramble my brain for the right words or whatever.

I think I’ve only said 3 things about myself, now it’s either I leave it here orrrr this becomes a get to know me 😂😂

Asides being ridiculously funny, I’m empathetic, I like that I can get to share, validate or sometimes understand peoples feelings and stuff……..

I like to learn new things, I have a short attention span and I think my brain is fried so I need things stimulate my brain from time to time 🤷🏾‍♀️

Uhmmm what elseeee let’s see oh wait I like having conversations, I like to listen to people talk about stuff they like or find interesting and I also like to talk about mine, I also like hearing peoples opinions on stuff.

I don’t exactly have any passion or desire rn, I’m not too worried about it, it will come along the way,  but I don’t like that I  mdon’t have the drive to do stuff, I do things  just because and I don’t like it.

I love love, well obviously, i love my friends, I love my family, I love babies, I radiate so much love and I hope that people that have cross paths with me get to feel this love that I radiate even though some people don’t deserve it 😑

This is getting lengthy and I don’t feel like typing anymore so I’ll leave it here or maybe I’ve just run out things to say……. Well you’ll never know.

I can’t exactly talk about what happened but tbh it has really helped me realize that I only get one shot at this wild amazing life, every day might not be all rainbows and cupcakes but I don’t want to waste my precious time worrying or crying about what could be or what could have  happened , if a guy likes me back or whatever it may be honestly. I’m alive, I have friends that love me, a family that loves me, and most importantly I have me the most loving person I know. I’m not going to waste my days worrying about the past, it has happened, I’m going to live in the present, the future will worry about itself. I don’t want to miss out on the amazing things happening to me rn because I’m so focused on what has happened and what could happen.

For an overthinker it can be really hard just letting go but I’m taking it one day at a time and one thing for sure two things for certain, every thing passes and I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, we’ll all be fine.

I have this friend that anytime a girl did him dirty his go to, would be “after all the money I’ve spent she still did this, she still that”. And I would wonder every time if that was all he had to offer, and tbh I think it is a pandemic right now that some men, most men in Nigeria think that if you have money you can get any girl, you don’t even need to bother with having a personality. I’m not saying having money and spoiling your partner is wrong, infact it is needed in a relationship but my point is money isn’t the only thing you bring to a relationship for it to work.

The other day I read about some guy on substack that was threatening, a lady (yes I’m using the word threatening because to me that was he was doing) that the only reason she wasn’t accepting his advances was because he wasn’t spending money on her yet, and I was really proud that she made it clear that, that  wouldn’t cloud her judgement when it came to accepting him or his advances or entertaining him.

I’m not going to dismiss the part that women have played a part in this , where they say if don’t have money don’t bother even approaching them let alone make advances or suggest getting into a relationship, and that’s because most of them see relationships as transactions or a means to become financially stable, and I don’t even see how you become financially stable off of somebody else’s money, but that’s besides the point.

But If you are looking for a relationship with someone who’d grow with then money isn’t the only you should have to offer, try having an actual personality first, and then you can pick up from there.

I was having a conversation with some people one time and it was about staying with a guy for money or dating someone for the sole purpose of having someone that provides for you even when the person wasn’t good to you and of course I said no. Prior to the conversation It was something I used to  I pride myself in that I know I’d never be with someone who wasn’t kind to me or treated me well, because of money, and it wasn’t just with staying with someone for money, it was also knowing that I would not bend my so called morals for money, but after sometime I got to realize that I could sit comfortably and make these claims because I’ve never been in situations that required me too, every thing I’ve ever needed have been provided by my parents, I’ve never really been stranded or in tough situations where I would have even needed to bend the so called morals I have . This whole realization made me more grateful and also made me understand that people don’t necessarily have loose morals, they just don’t have the privilege to even have “morals” or make choices , and of course sometimes people do things out of lack of contentment. But at the end of the day everyone will do what they have to do to survive, whether it’s pleasing to them or not. So the next time you think you’re better than someone else because you think you wouldn’t do what they are doing, think again.

I believe we’d have a better government if Nigerians were better people. I don’t think we realize how awful we as a nation are. For an extremely religious country you’d think we’d have better people but no, Nigerians are selfish, envious, jealous and just filled with hatred, of course we have genuine and sincere people but a majority of people here are terrible.

       You have a business you employ people and try to build with them but instead of helping build what will help them grow too they’d rather run it to the ground by stealing or just not caring about the one thing that puts food on their table. You wonder why and you just realize that you can’t win because the people around you are trying to drag you down even tho they know you winning means they win too.

Another instance is this one chance happening, everybody knows the country is hard as it is but some people would rather steal form said already struggling people leaving them with nothing, and they’ll go on to blame the country, but the truth is that they’d rather steal than earn an honest living because if you already have a car to move around and steal then you might as well be a taxi driver or something.

Another instance is bullying in boarding schools then, I don’t know if it has changed but then seniors would be awful to juniors, punishing them for no reason , and if they did give a reason it’d be because oh their past seniors did it so they are just keeping the tradition alive. Very silly if you ask me, why would you pass down a thing like that? And then they’d say it with so much pride like they were passing down a legacy. I think it doesn’t happen anymore tho. It might not look like a big deal but it’s just another way of showing how people would look for any excuse to be wicked.

I was complaining about how hard the country was the other day and some one asked why I was bothered because it wasn’t affecting me, it might not be affecting me directly, infact it is, but because I’m not on the street begging or kidnapped I shouldn’t care?

The other I saw woman who supported the current president say she supported him because he had done something something for her family, it just made me realize that people really don’t care if others are dying if they are good then it’s not a problem, it’s like they forget that these are people, families, that are suffering, barely living but because it’s not affecting us directly it doesn’t matter. We need to do better as people, as a nation.

I understand that as Christians there are certain things we should upon we should frown upon , like for example abortion, this is a hard topic because of course you’ll be taking a life but in the case where the girl is raped and doesn’t want to keep the child, you can’t be telling her children are a blessing, that’s insensitive but again she’ll be taking a life, it’s actually a delicate topic and shouldn’t be treated without care.

Orrrr there’s the case of being gay of course it’s clearly said it’s a sin and sometimes people don’t even care that it’s a sin they are just repulsed by the idea of two men or women being together, but before being gay they are people, our neighbors. And after loving God first what comes next is loving your neighbor as yourself. People think that love means accepting the “wrong”they are doing but that’s the opposite of it. Loving your gay neighbor doesn’t equal to you being gay it just means you show the basic human decency and respect.

As Christians how you treat people around should speak for your even before you tell people you are a Christian, that’s the whole point that people see you and they see Christ in you , it should be seen by how much compassion you show towards people around, it should be seen by how kind you are to others even the people who aren’t kind to you. Be kind.

After my last relationship which ended almost two years ago, something shifted, I became more hesitant towards giving everything. I’m usually the kind of person that goes head on, especially if I really like someone but after that I started holding back. I even started seeing someone shortly after and It lasted for a short time very short and after that I was just numb, and even if I’d like someone it would just be surface level and it’d never get past that , infact I’d lose interest before it becomes something. Anyways this changed last two months this guy texts me and for like the first week I don’t take him seriously but one night every thing changes, this is why I sleep early because you stay awake and the next thing you are falling in love 😑 anyways we spoke everyday for our hours, and it felt surreal, it was happening, I was finally liking someone for real but it was long distance 😔but tbh that didn’t stop us because we were sure we’d see one way or another, besides I’d be on holiday sooner or later so we’d definitely be together then. One day I didn’t hear from him almost all day and when I finally did, he told me his phone got spoilt and tbh that’s not something that should be happening to someone rn, and he didn’t want to fix it then, he thought it’d be wiser to just save and get an upgrade, anyways it wasn’t really a big deal we just didn’t talk as much because he had to use his laptop to text, but we made it work I guess 🤷🏾‍♀️. But it started to feel like he wasn’t putting in effort and when I spoke about it he’d say it was because he didn’t have a phone and I understood, and tbh I didn’t expect the communication to be the same but I just knew something had shifted. Fast forward one night we had a mini argument and I was so hurt by how lackadaisical he was about the whole thing so I blocked him before I slept and when I woke up I unblocked him 😂😂 anyways he doesn’t text through out and I also don’t reach out, the next day too, on the third day I finally reach out to him, nothing, I text and call but it doesn’t go through and I start to panic because I’m worried something’s wrong and this goes on for a few days till I see he views my story and then it dawns on me😂😂😂I was so hurt that he saw me call and text and chose to ignore it, I started to think of what I could have done and I hate that he made me even think I wasn’t okay or something was wrong with me. I don’t even know if I hate him. I don’t think I do, I don’t know if I can hate anyone, I’m not built like that, God I miss him so much, ughhh but I’ve made peace with it😂😂. I’ll be fine, it’s just one of those things that happens.

She’s my soulmate, and because of our relationship I know I can do long distance, we went long distance during our IT, it was hard but we made it work, from sending random pictures from our day or 4 minutes voice notes talking about what someone at work did, we never really ran out of what to talk about. I love my best friend a lot and she’s one of the reasons I’m certain that God is truly intentional about me.

I don’t know what catchy phrase to start this with but, the gist is this……. I’m doing a second degree in medicine,I got my first degree in anatomy which I didn’t even want in the first place but my father thought I was too smart to do any art related course and wanted me to study medicine first but I didn’t, I thought I had escaped but for four long years he kept pushing and after I finished anatomy it just seemed like the right thing to do. Now the problem is that I don’t think I’m smart enough, I’m so scared I’ll fail and disappoint my parents that do everything in their power to provide for me and make sure I’m comfortable and also disappoint myself, I’m genuinely very scared, what if I try my best and it isn’t enough.i can’t even drop out because I don’t exactly have a plan, I’ve prayed and prayed and I don’t know anymore. Anyways I’m writing this while filling my chemistry practical manual.