#179, September 1st, 2026

This week’s Hey Shani is a little different. Instead of answering a specific question from you (ask me anytime at heyshanisubstack@gmail.com), I’m going to give you four pieces of advice that nobody else wants to say out loud because it doesn’t perform well on social media. I don’t give a shit how my words perform on social media. I care about how happy single women are with their lives. Here we go:

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#178, August 25th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I have never been the “last one standing” because I’ve always had a best friend who’s been just as single as me. We do things together, she was my +1. She recently met someone, and I am genuinely happy for her, but I am also unhappy if that makes sense. It’s amazing that she met him, but it’s not amazing that I feel more alone now and this wasn’t my choice. I just need someone to hear me say “it’s not fair” in a way that won’t make me feel guilty, because I don’t feel like I can say that to her. Thank you for being an anonymous safe space for that.

Hey You,

You’re very welcome. And you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your authentic feelings never need to make you feel guilty, and I think allowing your feelings to exist and be acknowledged is what prevents you from taking actions from a place of reactivity and guilt that you might later regret. This is a very safe space to say the things as a single person that coupled people get very easily offended by. And you’re right. It’s not fair.

It’s such an interesting term to me, “the last one standing.” I understand why you used it, but I will remind you that divorce exists. Not to be an asshole about it, but just to remind you that life is change. It’s always moving and flowing, and you are not playing a game of musical chairs to find a partner before there are none left. That narrative isn’t real or logical. So often in my own singlehood I’ve had my questions answered in ways that avoid the real issue at hand, while deflecting things onto to some invented flaw of mine that doesn’t actually exist. I think you deserve better than that. Right now, the most important thing to remember is also the one that hurts the most: This isn’t about you. In almost every way, your life is the same today as it was the day before your friend met her partner.

I know your friend is going to spend less time with you and more time with her partner and I know that hurts, but I also hope that as adults we can understand that this happens because it’s a normal thing that occurs when two people are in a new connection, and it doesn’t mean your friend doesn’t love or value you anymore. I want to talk about how you move forward practically, because this is allowed to sting, but it’s not allowed to linger. I refuse to let single women feel forgotten, isolated, overlooked, or simply disappointed that they don’t have a go-to person anymore. Our lives get to feel so much better than that.

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#177, August 18th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I love my single life, I have reframed the stories that used to make me feel bad about myself, but nothing stops the desire for sex, and nothing fixes the fact that I NEVER have it. I don’t want to sound angry but I’m very frustrated that there’s no way for me to have this thing that other people have. It isn’t fair.

Hey You,

I hear and share your frustration. And you can sound angry if you want to, I really don’t mind. We are living through something that we shouldn’t be—it shouldn’t be impossible for people who want to have sex to find someone to have sex with. Your unrequited desires make sense. What doesn’t make sense to me is how difficult it currently is for single people—you know, those of us who are free to have sex—to simply find someone to have sex with. It’s important that you know this is not your fault. You didn’t destroy dating culture, you didn’t make human connection a financial commodity to literally be traded on the stock market. It’s not about your physical appearance, your age, your style, nothing. You didn’t make the world this way!

It shouldn’t be this hard to have sex. Sex is a normal, healthy, completely human thing to do, and it’s a human thing to desire. It shouldn’t feel like hunting for a lost ancient city, it should just be something we get to do at whatever frequency we want. But now that we’re living in a world where human connection has been walled-off by digital “assets” like dating apps and internet porn, it’s a lot harder to have sex than it ever had to be. It shouldn’t be like this, it shouldn’t feel like this, and having safe, consensual sex with someone you have feelings for (or any kind of sex you want!) shouldn’t be impossible. You don’t feel frustrated because you want sex more than the average person, you feel frustrated because this shit is inhuman.

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#176, August 11th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I know a birthday is not a wedding. I know that me buying a house isn’t as big of a deal as someone having a baby. I understand the difference between the size of celebrations and the reasons we show up for our friends and family. But I am really tired of feeling like no one ever shows up for me the way they show up for other people. “Celebrating myself” isn’t enough. I want to feel celebrated by others too and I’m starting to think that will never happen.

Hey You,

There is certainly a logical component to celebrations. Some things are “bigger deals” than others. Nobody wants to say that, because singles are already so far behind in terms of celebration and we’ve had enough let-downs, but I think that’s where we get it wrong. Trying to convince social norms to celebrate a single person’s big moments as if they were the same as the couplehood celebratory norms we’ve grown up with—that’s not going to work. I don’t think it works when we try to elevate a single person’s celebrations to the same level that society thinks couples should be celebrated. I think instead we have to bring coupled people’s celebrations back down to earth a lot more, and start finding more equality and balanced joy that way. For the record, you deserve to be celebrated with all the effort and enthusiasm people show to couples, period.

I hate that our events and accomplishments are less celebrated than the classic three. Engagements, Weddings, Babies. The trifecta of unbridled celebration, expense, and effort. If you are a single woman, you’re familiar with how differently people’s faces look when you give them good news, versus when someone in partnership does. I could say it makes me angry, I could express my disappointment in others, or in society itself. But mostly all it does is make me sad. So as I answer your question I want you to remember that I’m on very intimate terms with sadness, and I refuse to simply accept that single people, particularly single women, have to settle for golf claps.

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#175, August 4th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I can't help but live in the past sometimes, and I feel angry remembering about all of the bad experiences I used to have a decade ago. Whenever I can't help but vent about it to my family, they look at me like a crazy person for remembering bad dates, and bad experiences with men in the past 15 years. My last date that I had was 7 years ago, and I really liked him, but that went nowhere too. What I want to ask is, why is my brain doing this to me? How do I stop carrying the weight of men who didn't care about me and bad experiences with men I didn't like, so I can finally stop bringing it up with my family who don't live in the past?

Hey You,

Before you can move forward, and leave things in the past that genuinely belong there, you have to choose to. Your present-day experience of your own life as a single person has to be important enough to you to actively claim your mental energy. I say this with the same love I’d want to hear it with: If the only way you think you matter is if there’s something romantic going on in your life, if the only experiences you think are valid are the ones that involve men, you’re never going to be able to move forward because nothing new is happening in the present day to take their place. I don’t think this has anything to do with men at all, and everything to do with how you see yourself in the world without one.

What are you getting out of it? What are you gaining by living in the past? Given that these incidents were so far in your past, I have an idea of what you might be gaining by remaining back there mentally, and this might be a little tough to hear, but I can assure you that many of us have found ourselves here as single women: I think we dwell on this stuff because it’s better than having nothing to dwell on at all. In my opinion, it’s time for you to expand your field of vision beyond dates and experiences with men, because regardless of how long ago or how recently they happened, they’re the least interesting thing about you.

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#174, July 28th, 2026

Hey Shani,

Let me start by saying I’m thrilled for my friends who had kids. I’m so happy for them and I wouldn’t want to change anything, but at the same time I still really miss the friendships I had that have pulled away since babies were born. I’m not asking people to stop having kids! I’m just wondering if there’s a way I can feel less sad about missing my friends.

Hey You,

As single, child-free or childless friends, we get zero say in how our realities change when our friends have children. We are simply expected to be joyful and congratulatory. And we are. We are happy for our friends, and fully aware that this is a part of life. It really is wonderful. Now that we have the groundwork out of the way: You’re allowed to be sad that you don’t see your friends anymore because they had babies. You’re allowed to miss them, you’re allowed to feel loss, you’re even allowed to be angry. When we feel like we have permission to feel our authentic feelings, in my experience they never linger as long. You have permission, and you are seen without any judgment or guilt. We don’t do that shit around here.

This might be oversimplifying a bit, but when babies are involved, it is what it is. There’s nothing that’s more all-consuming from an emotional or practical standpoint than becoming a parent. For all the change you’re experiencing as a friend, imagine what your friends are going through, truly. I don’t say that to guilt you, because heaven knows the single friend feels enough guilt for having any opinions and feelings about this stuff—I say it to keep us practical, and also to allow you to mourn a little, because life as everyone knows it will never be the same again. My advice to you is that you allow life to still be good.

Pregnancy announcements are socially understood as incredible things. The joy, the shrieking, the hugs. It’s all wonderful! What single friends are also hearing is that a friendship they hold dear is about to dissipate. Our lives are about to change, too—regardless of whether or not we want that change. In fact, breathing even a word of personal disappointment is frowned upon so heavily that I was a little nervous to publish this. Nobody asked us if we were ready to “lose” a friend to parenthood, and yet it happens to us all the time anyway. Honestly…rude.

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#173, July 21st, 2026

Hey Shani,

I had been single for 11 years, until I recently met a wonderful guy in the wild, as I hate dating apps for all the reasons you describe and I agree with. Like you often say, I didn’t have to do “the work” I didn’t have to manifest shit, it just happened, I just got lucky one day and met him, no magic.

We had an amazing relationship, until he dumped me 6 months later because he’s “too overwhelmed” and just isn’t ready for a relationship. Worst part is that I can’t even be mad, he was so nice about the way he broke up with me instead of ghosting like I’ve been through before. He was just dealing with personal stuff and decided he didn’t want to fight for the relationship and that was that.

So... I was alone for 11 years, not great, as I always wanted a partner, and felt that longing and even envy from seeing other people seamlessly get into relationships... then someone amazing comes along, I don’t have to lower any single one of my standards for the longest time, he treats me with all the kindness and I live some of the most wonderful months of my life when I finally feel like I have it all, I feel so much peace, and now he’s gone, just like that.

I can’t help but to feel hopeless again. I am mostly angry because I would have rather not met him than to be disregulated like this. I am having a very hard time not hating my life because even though I am so privileged with loving family and friends and financial security and a dog, nothing will ever fill that void, and to have found something so rare and valuable to lose it immediately for no good reason just feels so damn cruel and I don’t know how to go back to my 11 year single good contentment after experiencing how amazing and life changing a healthy relationship can be...

How do I become content again? How do I stop wishing so much that my already objectively amazing life was different and stop wanting something I just can’t have?

Hey You,

There’s a paradox between not wanting to give up a belief in love, and the real life experiences that make us think companionship is impossible. I don’t think it’s certain that romantic partnership is something you “just can’t have,” but at the same time I know how draining and often belittling it is to hope for something indefinitely. Worse still is when you actually do find what you’re looking for, you just can’t keep it.

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that one of the cards life dealt you was a disruption to your contentment. I’m not one of those people who will tell you to just be glad you had those six months because I get it. I get how crushing it is to think you got what you’ve wanted for years and then it’s ripped away from you. You are right, this is cruel. But we are so much more than the cruel things that happen to us, and we are more than the disruptions to our peace. Yes, this person came into your life in a wonderful way, and then decided he couldn’t continue on with something wonderful and I’ll never fucking understand why that happens. This disruption to your contentment was deeply unfair, but your life still belongs to you, and I don’t think you have to stop wanting anything in order to love your life again. Honestly, nothing deserves that kind of power over us.

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#172, July 14th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I’ve mostly been single for my adult life but I have had a handful of short, extremely powerful yet tumultuous, 6-month long relationships scattered in there. Most recently, I dated a very close friend who turned out to be extremely avoidant and hurt me deeply. I am sure I have some blame to share, but mostly it makes no sense what happened and I have to chalk it up to unprocessed trauma and a refusal to communicate with me.

He started dating someone new within mere weeks and she lives in my neighborhood so I keep running into him (he ignores me, which hurts like hell). At the same time, many of my friends are having babies — childhood friends that I admittedly never expected to have kids before me. I didn’t realize I was avoiding visiting these friends because I didn’t want to engage with the sadness I might feel. When I finally realized, it sent me into a dark place.

I have created a life I love and have really internalized that being single just means I haven’t met my partner yet. However, I have also begun to sink into a depression that scares me. I’m scared I’m never going to have what I want. I feel like an unlovable loser who is somehow rich in friendship yet destitute in romantic love. How do I process the sadness and not let it consume me? I have a therapist, I’m considering taking FMLA from work so I can heal my heart, but it all feels so dramatic. It’s not a big deal that I am single and childless, but I can’t see the point of my existence anymore and I’m scared I won’t find it again. I’m afraid of spending my days wandering the earth like a zombie, trying to remember why I’m alive despite my circumstances. It’s bleak.

How do we rediscover our reason(s) to live when we forget?

Hey You,

I’m going to try to be gentle, because I think you deserve gentleness, and I apologize if anything I’m about to say to you feels confronting. That is not my intention. There is no way that your existence is pointless. Your existence is the point. Even if you were partnered, even if you were in love, that relationship would not be the point of your life. Being alive is itself proof of purpose, but we live in a world that has contorted women’s beliefs to drastically limit our understanding of what constitutes a valid, whole life.

If there is one thing I find unforgivable it’s the promoted narrative that women’s lives are pointless without partners and children. Wives and mothers are the only people we celebrate, elevate, and praise, so that leads to a lot of us feeling extremely empty and purposeless sometimes. Hear me clearly: That narrative is instilled in girls and women so that we will serve systems that do not serve us. The idea that a woman without a partner and children is pointless is a fucking lie. They lied to you so that you’d do what they wanted you to do. This is an extremely narrow, limited version of living. Please do not let other people’s manipulative intent rob you of your desire to live fully, freely, and happily.

I will admit to being very emotionally impacted by your email, because I can identify with a lot of what you said, and I certainly empathize with everything else. I’m asking you very sincerely to see that the choices of men, for whatever (probably superficial) reasons they made those choices, do not deserve to impact your life. Your life belongs to you, and you can do anything you want with it. When what you want is a partner and a family, singlehood can certainly sting. When what you need to feel valid as a human being is a partner and a family, that is a different story entirely.

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#170, July 7th, 2026

Hey Shani, I’m 36 and my parents still worry about me. I know all parents worry about their kids, but the way my parents worry about me, specifically and almost exclusively because I’m single, is exhausting. Do we ever age out of this or are our parents just going to be annoying about it forever?

Hey You,

Is it worry, or a generation gap in perspective? Or both? Your parents will probably always worry about you. I think you have to allow them that, they’re parents! I’ve heard parenthood described as having your heart walk around outside of your body, and loving someone that much is something I can empathize with even though I’m childfree. The harder part of that instinctual worry is when it’s pared with outdated narratives about singlehood. That’s when it stops feeling like concern, and starts to feel like shame.

If your parents are worrying about you for this specific reason, they’re operating old software, so to speak. They’re experiencing your singlehood through their own understanding of what it means to be single, as a result of the generation and the times they were raised in. It can be difficult to challenge your parents’ perspective or understanding, particularly if your family dynamics involve a lot of deference to your parents and very few challenges to what they do or say. I know how stressful it can be to disagree with or confront your parents. But never doing it is actually worse.

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#169, June 30th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I’m turning 39 this August, and the first reaction from friends when I talk about ways to spend my birthday is “go on a trip!” Well, I can’t afford that. So I’m looking for a little help: How do I celebrate a birthday as a single woman on a budget?

Hey You,

Fun fact: Today actually IS my birthday, so I’m reporting live from the scene of the advice! In this community we’ve discussed solo birthdays before, namely the fact that they’re just as valid and worthy of planning and effort as anyone who has a partner to do that for them. (Bearing in mind not all romantic partners are even doing this.) We’ve also discussed birthdays as less of a punishing exercise in waiting to see who actually shows up for you, and instead showing up for yourself by treating the day as an opportunity to customize your joy.

What we’ve never discussed is how to celebrate your birthday in an economy so bleak that it can be stomach-churning to pay basic bills. We’re spending less, we’re staying home more (even though it felt like we were staying home too much before!) and we’re rethinking what it means to treat ourselves—because we have to. As much as “just take a trip!” is genuinely what I want to be doing for my birthday, I can’t swing it this year. So how do we celebrate without celebration money? You know I love a challenge. ;)

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#168, June 23rd, 2026

Hey Shani,

Have you heard of the Burned Haystack dating method? Do you have any thoughts on it?

Hey You,

Yes, I have. For those who are unfamiliar, the Burned Haystack method was created by Dr. Jennie Young, a professor of rhetoric. You can Google it on your own if you’d like more information, but essentially it’s a dating strategy that involves quickly ruling people out based on their dating profiles and their first messages. Think of it as no longer “giving them a chance,” but rather efficiently tossing out every red flag you come across in favor of conserving your energy for more green flags instead. It’s not a bad approach when you think about it from a time and energy investment standpoint, and heaven knows I’m tired of single women spending time and energy and getting nothing in return.

I have no issue with the Burned Haystack method, especially if you’re finding it useful. Where I take issue is with the fact that we need a “method” at all. Human beings should not have to deploy strategies and implement protocols just to fucking date each other. It should never have come to a need for the Burned Haystack, we should all be dating under much more congenial and dignified circumstances. I don’t want to burn a haystack, I want to burn dating culture to the ground, and remind single women that if dating is so far gone that you need a fucking strategy to get through it, I have to ask why you’re not choosing to just stop dating instead.

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#167, June 16th, 2026

Hey Shani,

The older I get, and the longer I’m single, the less I want a man in my bed. EVER. It’s sometimes scary how much I don’t want to actually sleep next to a man, and then I wonder if worrying about having to have a man in my bed one day is energetically repelling men lol. Is it possible to want a relationship but ALSO your own bed?

Hey You,

You can do whatever you want! Did you know that you can literally do whatever you want at all times? If you want a man but you don’t want a man in your bed, we are grownups and that is allowed. It’s not the norm, but it is allowed. I will cut to the chase a little bit: Not wanting to sleep in a bed with a man is not preventing you from meeting a romantic partner, nor will it ever prevent you from meeting the right partner for you. I imagine someone you’d have a successful relationship with probably doesn’t want to share a bed, either.

The thing about having so much of your own space as a single person, particularly those of us who are single long-term, is that the idea of someday having to accommodate another person in spaces you’ve learned to love alone is a brand new mental hurdle. It’s also a kick in the shins! You mean to tell me I did all this reframing to love my singlehood and one of the side effects is I’m deeply committed to my personal space? Damn.

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#165, June 9th, 2026

Hey Shani,

Are you ever sad that you might be alone forever? I’m about the same age as you, I’ve been single for nine years, and I feel like it just isn’t going to happen, not because it’s too late or anything, but just because everything is so bleak and it never seems to get better. It actually gets worse! So what that probably means for me is that I’m always going to be alone. Does this ever bother you?

Hey You,

From time to time, of course it bothers me. I’m a human being, I experience loneliness, desire, and an over-abundance of solitude just like any other single person would. There are moments that feel uncomfortable, because I don’t think the idea of never getting something you want sits well with anyone, not even someone who reframes for a living. Yes, from time to time I feel sad because there is a genuine possibility that I’m going to be alone always. I’m able to feel calm and content with my life regardless, and I think allowing myself these occasional sad moments guilt-free absolutely contributes to my current happiness. I don’t dwell on this stuff the way I used to, and that’s the biggest difference reframing singlehood has made for me.

Anyone can meet someone and fall in love at any time, but we’re not living in an era where people are meeting at all. So being alone forever is very much a possibility. On occasion, I feel sad about the idea of being alone indefinitely. But since being alone indefinitely isn’t inherently sad, I’m actually fine with it babe.

Make no mistake: I don’t think my ship has sailed. I’m not too old to fall in love, or too ugly to fall in love, I don’t even think I’m too publicly an advocate for singles to fall in love—I don’t even think that is scaring them away. I think we’re all living in a time of deep disconnection, and internalizing external factors puts a huge amount of responsibility on singles when we have no control over what we’re blaming ourselves for.

You can’t take forever all in one bite, it’s too big. Of course it feels overwhelming and scary to ponder the idea of being alone for the rest of your life. That’s a scary thought! It’s also, in my experience, a waste of our time. Most worrying in advance usually is. Fears about the future often lead to forced relationships that were formed out of panic, and I think you have to ask yourself if panic is really the best headspace to be in when selecting a partner for this “forever” that you’re worried about.

Whatever we think we know about the future, whatever we plan for, the future has a mind of its own and very rarely factors in our preferences. We can “decide” that we’re going to be single forever and then meet the love of our lives a year later. We can date until we’re on our last shreds of sanity and never meet anyone at all. There are no rules or logical outcomes here, and instead of only applying that to the sadness of potentially never meeting anyone, why not use that to our advantage instead? If there are no certainties, why do I have to assume I’ll be alone forever? Why can’t I assume something more balanced instead of automatically assuming the worst?

I’ll take it even further: If I am alone forever, why is that a sad thing? Why am I not allowed to recognize that I’m content and happy today, so if I never meet anyone, I’ll just…keep going? Honestly that doesn’t sound bad! We’ve had terrible imagery of “old maids” and sad little old ladies burned into our brains since we were kids, and those messages were very intentional. The world needs women to think that life alone is sad, so that we’ll settle just to avoid being alone. There was never anything sad about being alone, but that has to be a secret, or the whole planet would be full of women frolicking together, forming micro communities, enjoying book clubs and going on adventures. Happy single women are a threat to patriarchal, capitalistic norms. Single women need to be miserable for patriarchy to thrive. I love disappointing the patriarchy.

One last thing: The acceptance and contentment I have with my singlehood have nothing to do with “giving up.” I haven’t decided I’m going to be alone forever, I have decided I’m not going to be miserable forever. I quit dating, but not because I was defeated by dating culture. I found happiness in my singlehood, and there’s a distinct difference. Anyone who has lived through dating culture knows that “giving up” isn’t a single woman’s failure. It’s the best possible decision she can make for her mental health, her wellbeing, and in my opinion her future.

If we can look ahead at a lifetime of singlehood and think we know what’s going to happen, if we can assume we’re going to be single forever without any concrete proof of that, then why can’t we also choose to assume we’ll be happy forever, too? We have no idea what’s going to happen, so why do we default to being sad? There will always be tough emotions, but in my experience a happy, fully lived singlehood makes the tough emotions more temporary. I don’t think there’s a need to never experience sadness, but once I gave myself a single life I loved, my sadness learned it had a safe, joyful place to return to.

I don’t know anything about forever, except that I’m not afraid of it.

xo

Shani

Send your questions to heyshanisubstack@gmail.com.

My new book, What If We Never Get Married, A Happily Ever Answer, is available now.

#164, June 2nd, 2026

Hey Shani,

Am I crazy or do men not actually like women at all? Every story I hear, any time I match with someone, it’s like men are waiting around for women to prove we’re worth their time? It feels like men don’t actually like women anymore, and they have to be convinced to treat one like a human being. What is this?!

Hey You,

You’re not crazy, the culture is. And you’re right: I don’t think men like women, either. I think heterosexual men view women as a chore and a burden because they’re comparing connecting with real human women to the ease of access they can get from fake women on their phones. While that’s happening, they’re absorbing the voices of toxic, celebrated men in society who do very little apart from convincing men that women are the source of all of their problems even though we literally have nothing to do with these people. Remember something: Women didn’t turn the whole world into one giant streamlined, optimized, digitized hack—men did. They can’t hack human women, and as a result we’re just too much work.

I think if men had less access to the aspects of relationships with women that they enjoy (sex, service, convenience, attention, which they can get entirely from their phones these days), then I think we’d see more men curious about women instead of standing in opposition to us. If their orgasms, connections, and conversations are all coming from their phones, I can see how an IRL woman would be intimidating to the point where they’d use the bravado of entitlement to protect their egos from having to make an effort and risk rejection. I don’t think men like women, and rather than ask ourselves how we can become more likable, I’d prefer that we do literally anything else.

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#163, May 26th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I read an interesting article about the regret that this woman felt at 41, for prioritizing her career over love and motherhood. And when I saw the comments blaming these women and saying they were lied to, I felt saddened and a little angry. I don't feel like I was lied to, I’m grateful I have work and can pay my bills, even if it means I live paycheck to paycheck sometimes. I have a lot more thoughts on this matter, but I'd love to know what you think.

Original Article

Facebook post about the article that was shared with me, with comments

Hey You,

I thought the article was interesting, and I almost expect to see similar ones routinely published at this point. “Women aren’t having babies!” is the jump-scare du jour, and they’ll always find a way to blame women for it. This time it’s “She was too focused on her career,” that old chestnut. I’m going to focus my answer on the article’s subject matter, as opposed to the Facebook post that featured it and the comments that used it as an invitation to spout religious propaganda to pressure women, particularly young women, into having children. We know what actually happens to women who are coerced, pressured, or flat-out forced to have children when they’re young, particularly via religious control. I won’t debate an argument that routinely proves itself wrong and then ignores its own history.

I’d like to focus on the idea of not having children, not because you chose a childfree life, but because it’s the life that played out for you. By now I think we all know that there are plenty of different pathways to parenthood, as well as different pathways to a life without children. As a society we need to be able to hold space in our hearts and communities for every outcome, because each one is valid. What we cannot do is continue to believe or perpetuate the idea that someone “forgot” to have children because she was “too focused on her career.” That bullshit must die.

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#162, May 19th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I know the discourse on singlehood is changing, and that’s a GOOD thing. I love that people are reframing, and we’re not seeing the same amount of single shaming that we used to. While all of this is happening, while we’re celebrating singlehood finally, I still want a partner. I feel kind of wrong or guilty for not being able to just walk away from these feelings. Suddenly it’s cool to not have a partner but I still want one, is that bad?

Hey You,

No, your authentic feelings are not bad, they’re just retreating behind the fear of other people’s reactions. When you think about it, your desire for a partner now isn’t that different from what single women have always experienced: Whatever we feel, it’s the wrong thing. You don’t need to feel guilty or embarrassed for wanting companionship, affection, love, or all three. Human feelings don’t follow trends, and you don’t have to either.

Singlehood is seeing a surge in positive messaging, new narratives, and a beautiful reduction in shame that I’m absolutely ecstatic to see. Why did I speak and write about singlehood in a reframed way if singlehood wasn’t going to actually get reframed? This is good news! At the same time, social narratives, especially those on social media, tend to adopt an all-or-nothing attitude, and heaven help you if you put one digital foot out of line. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner, but in the current social climate it can feel embarrassing to admit it. Seeing as how five minutes ago the embarrassing part of singlehood was simply being single, I’m not going to keep quiet. If we’re cool with singlehood now, we’re going to be cool with everyone’s experience of it, or what was the fucking point?

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#161, May 12th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I know I’m not the only one looking at the news, basically every day, and getting more and more angry at everything men do to women. What’s frustrating for me is that there doesn’t seem to be any solution here. Men are awful but they’re also the only people I’m attracted to! I’m not an asexual person and it feels like these days the only way to have any peace is to not want anybody at all. I don’t think that’s realistic for me. Help?

Hey You,

Being attracted to straight men is starting to feel like an affliction. And while there’s camaraderie in rejecting the behaviors and actions of men collectively, and public statements declaring we’re “choosing” singlehood feel good in the moment, it’s the moments after that I’m concerned with. The moments when you’re alone, and it’s quiet, and you once again feel very human feelings: Desire. Romantic loneliness. Anger. And the all-encompassing frustration and confusion that result from knowing other people’s lives get to include safe, loving companionship, and yours might be one that never does.

You have nothing to “heal” here. I don’t think anyone ever needs to change who they are, or stop feeling their natural feelings, in order to live a life that doesn’t hurt all the time. If you’re a straight woman and you feel romantic and sexual desire for straight men, that’s…a completely normal part of being alive. What’s abnormal are all the ways we’re seeing men disregard the safety and peace of women for their own pleasure, and all the ways we’ve always seen men view women in roles of service rather than partnership. The choices of men are what’s abnormal. You’re still attracted to men because headlines don’t change who we want. If only it were that easy.

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#161, May 5th, 2026

Hey Shani,

My younger sister is getting married. She just set the date. To be clear, I am of course happy for her and want nothing but the best for her. And also, I am kind of dreading it. I have been single more or less for my entire adult life (I'm 38 now). I am anxious about being the older, single one around all those family members who have not done the reframing I've done. I feel all my old internal thought patterns coming back that I've worked so hard to reframe. Things like: I have failed, I'll never find love, there's something wrong with me, etc. I'm struggling to not compare our lives, which are very different. It's just one day and I'll get through it, but I do feel as though I'll be white knuckling through and pretending to be okay when a large part of me is struggling. I want to find love too and so far it has been absent. Celebrating hers, which I know has nothing to do with me, makes me fear I'll never find my version of it. How have you gotten to a place where you are genuinely happy for your people who find love? I don't like feeling these feelings (shame, jealousy, fear), and yet, there they are. What do you do with all of these ambivalent feelings?

Hey You,

We are human beings capable of a full range of emotions, and there is absolutely nothing about singlehood that condemns you to a life of jealousy. Yes, you can be genuinely happy for other people. It’s possible for singles—who have been raised by society to only notice what we lack when we see others find it—to feel joy on someone else’s behalf that doesn’t require an internal pep talk first. Just because we were raised with jealousy narratives, that doesn’t mean those are the only ones available to us. How dare anyone or anything limit us in that way?

Over the years I’ve told single women that I release feelings of jealousy or comparison by remembering that what happens to other people has nothing to do with me, and I still mean it. This isn’t about you. It’s about someone else, and you don’t have to be happy for every person on earth who finds love all at the same time. We have a terrible habit of assuming that every time someone falls in love, the probability that we’ll fall in love decreases by a disproportionate amount. As if when a man is taken off the market, 10,000 other men are, too. Babe, there is no market.

The reason I know you can do this is that you want to. The intention and the desire are there. I love that, because it means you know there’s more to single life than just feeling terrible and jealous all the time. That’s pretty huge from my perspective, especially when you think of how little encouragement single women get unless we’re being encouraged to find a partner. We deserve more depth, and you understand that. The rest is easier than you think, and the first thing I’d suggest is anchoring yourself firmly in reality. Because if there’s one thing that loves to worm its way into single women’s thoughts and feelings, it’s some bullshit.

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#160, April 28th, 2026

Today’s topic was left in the comments section of this post. I thought it posed such an accurate and simultaneously perplexing picture of what’s going on in dating culture at the moment, I wanted to offer my thoughts.

Hey Shani,

God, I’m so glad that someone is saying it: dating *should* be fun, and it isn’t. I date women so I can say for certain that it’s a bigger issue than the patriarchy: it’s people who have changed. We’ve become less willing to expend any kind of effort on a stranger, even if the goal of that effort is to have a fun conversation and a potentially good date. I’m not even talking about the effort that it takes to make a relationship good. So many people can’t be bothered to *text* you in a meaningful way. It’s a lot of one-word messages and flat replies, and an utter lack of curiosity to the point I’ve recently started wondering if most people have inner lives at all. How can that be fun? It’s barely even tolerable. It makes me pessimistic about humanity at large. And I don’t enjoy being pessimistic.

Hey You,

You aren’t imagining this. Social apathy has extended its icy claw and gripped dating culture so tightly that we may never free ourselves from the fruitless struggle. Dramatic? Yes. I just thought you might like to read something more verbose than “lol” or “yeah” for a change. Dating is in free fall, it’s no longer a culture of potential, it’s a culture of disappointment, animosity, frustration, and uselessness. Remember how important it is that you noticed and questioned it. You don’t seem like someone who’s just going to let social apathy slide. I like that.

It’s not my job or yours to identify all the causes of social apathy and the willful distance human beings are creating between ourselves. I can assure you that neither you nor I had a hand in it. All that’s left for us to do is manage the resulting side effects of what greed, relentless “streamlining,” and convenience culture have done to human brains, and by default human actions. We should want to invest in each other, and I think what we’re seeing now is a reluctance to do so because we’ve already done it so much with such poor results that we no longer see the point. Honestly, most of the time I think if we all came into contact with fewer people, if we’d swiped less, gone on fewer dates, and had cognitive awareness of far fewer people that we’re not attracted to than dating apps and dating culture have allowed, we’d be more likely to put forth effort with someone new. Now I think we anticipate things going nowhere, because nowhere is where things have been programmed to go.

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#159, April 21st, 2026

Hey Shani,

I am single and 37, and I don’t have kids because I haven’t found someone to have them with and I don’t want to be a single parent. Why is the go-to comment from friends and family always, “I wish I was single” or “Being a parent isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” or comments about how I should enjoy my freedom? It’s almost like if you don’t want something, people try to convince you to do it, but if you do want something and can’t get it, suddenly it’s not that great?

Hey You,

If you’re starting to feel like literally everything said to single women is bullshit, you’re right. First of all, I’m sorry that you haven’t found someone to have children with, I know this happens more often than most people realize and it will never be fair. I’m sorry for any frustration you’re currently feeling, it sounds to me like you’re also getting other people’s projections, and it would be better if you could simply be seen and loved instead.

When you hear statements like these that dismiss your feelings in an attempt to change your mind, I don’t think the statements were intended to ignore or deflect away from your current reality. I think people who do this think they’re helping you, by offering some sort of inside knowledge that they assume you’ve never heard of before. People like to feel smart, and they also don’t like to see people they love in disappointing situations. They offer these (often conflicting) platitudes because we’ve been socialized to believe they’re helpful. There is however a point at which we can’t forgive statements that hurt our feelings with our silence and smiles anymore, because we are fucking exhausted.

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