• I wanted a job that had some attunement / alignment to the world - in the sense that I didn’t want to work in a “silo” - and similar to "working as part of / within / following God’s plan”

• I wanted something that is helping the world and had some sort of impact - my previous job in healthcare consulting had questionable impact. Even though it was in healthcare, the impact was a little sketchy..

• I wanted to connect with myself - I wanted to do something I Love, to Be myself, and to be Loved as me. I wanted to know that people would love me for me, not for a shell. (I had been previously feeling like I was a “living zombie” or “shell”) and I desperately wanted to be more “alive” or at least.. human.

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*Subtitle is a tribute/honor to Murakami: What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

Hello, let’s start with some basics:

Q&A

Q: So Chuhan, how was your trip?

A: It was good! It really good! It’s a lot to cover in one go, and not totally sure how to summarize it.

Q: Ok, let’s start with: What did you get up to?

A: I came back on May 8 and was in Shanghai for 2 weeks before heading off to Dali. I was completing finals and visiting my Dad’s side of the family. On the way home from the airpot, he told me about his recent cancer diagnosis. It was heavy. His tests reports only came back a few days prior to my arrival. He began radiotherapy and chemotherapy shortly after.

I assisted and attended a retreat for the Chinese diaspora in Dali, Yunnan, hosted by Xuel and Tian Tian. This was from May 22nd to May 30th. More on this later.

From May 31 to June 30, I spent a full month in Dali, staying at a village called ShenJiu Village. It was an amazing month - more on this later.

I left Dali to Chengdu on June 30th and visited pandas. I then went to Ganzi (the western part of Szechuan) and attended a Contact Improv retreat in the Gongga mountain range. After the retreat, a few of the retreat participants rented an Airbnb in Chengdu and played together for a few days. It was fun! More on this later

On July 24 or 25, I came back to Shanghai, a few days prior to my original plan - as I found out near the end of June that my Dad’s esophagus and lungs had holes. He had to stop chemo and radiotherapy and go on a full tube-diet (no liquid or solid through the mouth). I wasn’t sure what was happening but he told me to continue with my previous plans and come back near the end of July. I said I would keep the Chengdu/Szechuan plans and canceled my previously scheduled Tibet plan.

I planned to spend 2 weeks in Shanghai to just chill and integrate my experiences prior to heading back to the US in mid-August (August 13th). I had originally wanted to book my flight for August 16 since I start school on the 19th but I decided to give myself a few more days to overcome jet leg, establish a new gym routine, and move into my new community house in Berkeley/Oakland border prior to starting a new semester (and an internship)! I often wonder if I am doing too much in life. This was an inquiry that started in high school really - in junior year of high school I had signed up for 5 AP classes and my mom told me to drop one (I dropped 7am AP US History and learned regular US history instead). She told me that it was too much. I was a little sad about the situation but I knew she was right deep down. She wanted me to have free time as a kid - to spend time outside, to sing, dance and have fun, and have a childhood. I was glad that I got straight As all throughout junior and senior year of high school, compared to some of my other friends that took on 5 or maybe 6 AP classes but ended up with Bs and Cs. It was much better this way and I still got into Penn, so it worked out for me. (Thank you God)

I will also go more into this later but it’s still something I am sitting with - am I doing too much? Traveling too much? I wanted to write another essay about life as a nomad - as someone who is constantly moving - and it’s ups and downs, and why I made the choices I made, and what I can learn from my 20s now that I am going into my 30s in a few months.

Anyway, I had also previously dreamed about all the things I could do in Shanghai - there is an endless amount of exhibits, shows, art, and events. I had originally reached out to an event coordinator at 706 Shanghai (a global community with different community spaces all over the world) and she had sent me instructions to host events at 706 Shanghai, but I decided against it later - it was enough for me to process my Dad’s cancer diagnosis and hospitalization, reconnect with my dad’s side of the family, get to know my half-brother who I’ve had little contact with for the last 19 years (his age), and 避暑 (trying to stay cool amidst the high 90s to 100s degree heatwave).

I am now in Shenzhen, where my uncle has lived for the last thirty-something years, where I will spend a few days organizing, visiting the dentist, and catching up with some childhood friends. I am still dreaming about making a day trip to Hong Kong hehe but let’s see if it will happen. I wanted to buy a camera to try out portrait photography and animal photography (in the future) but I am also transporting a Guqin back to the US and starting to learn that. A part of me feels like I am trying to juggle and manage all these things - a part of me is worried about wasting money (e.g., what if I buy this and don’t end up using it enough?) (There is a lot to examine here, like concepts/ideas about “waste,” about money, about time, etc.). Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I tell myself time is not real, so take a breather and stop planning/managing my life. I often set up a lot of goals for myself and then I go into “machine” mode (a friend also pointed this out to me lol) - that sometimes I just turn into “consultant” mode. 🤣 I’ve swung between planning to the T to winging it full swing - “I know exactly what’s going to happen down to the minute” to “Don’t ask me about any plans, don’t ask me about the future, I don’t know anything”.

My mom often asks me, how are you going to have a family at this rate? If you don’t change the trajectory of what you are doing/where you are going, you are going to “waste” another x years - and be family-less even in your mid- or late- thirties.

I’ve used both strategies described above to “combat” or “counter” the dis-ease / un-ease that those words have brought up for me in the past.

Strategy 1: Ok I will use 1-2 years to date around, 2-3 years to solidify a relationship, and have kids in 4-5 years

Strategy 2: I am not going to worry about it at all. What’s mine is mine. What’s going to happen is just going to happen~ La la la ~~ weeee

Daoist and Tibetan Buddhism both talk about something called The Middle Way - hehe. I think I am going to choose the middle way - which leads to the question - do I want to settle somewhere? At the rate that I’ve moved/traveled, I am barely in one place for more than a few months at a time - how am I going to date?

Potential A: My date is extremely stable and ok with me traveling. He/she/they holds down the home base.

Potential B: My date is also extremely wild like me and we build a life around nomad and take our kids to live around the world as well (difficult but doable).

Of course there are way more options than these - my energy teacher said to me specifically once in a May workshop - “Put your attention on what you don’t know. What you don’t know is much more interesting than what you know.” So surprise me, universe.

Quote an ancient quote - Trust in Allah and tie your camels.

I am continuing my previous “I don’t know what’s going to happen” worldview but with a little more intention. In the sense that I am putting myself out there more. A good friend once told me that to date is to reveal and be yourself as much as possible. I believe this is also the fastest way of “filtering” out people and not wasting anymore time pleasing, pretending, or saying yes when I mean no. I am choosing this path so I updated my profile so it’s more “me” - which might get me less likes but will filter out people quick. I also respond fully as me. I want someone to love me for me and it’s best to just be me right away rather than surprise them later. 😅

I put in my match note - my life is extremely nomadic! If you are not ok with that please unmatch! I filter out anyone who is an atheist, moderate/republican, or not political. I tell people I am open to ENM and please don’t match with me if you “don’t share”. 🫠 I am not yours to “own” so it’s not your decision on what I choose to do or not do with my life. I filter out anyone who gives me even a hint of patriarchy or supremacy in any way. I judge a little bit whenever I receive a boring question like how was your week and what do you like to do for fun because I already listed them in my profile.

I used to think that I had to compromise - I had to compromise and pretend to be someone I am not to get a job. I have to dress a certain way, look a certain way, express things a certain way and I told my bodyworker/somatic therapist in the spring of 2024 that I am going to “burst”. I was wearing a suit that was too small for me. I left my corporate job in the summer of 2025 and was freaking scared. Someone said - at the other side of fear is power. Is energy. Is all that energy that was used to suppress my fear - is creativity. Originality. Courage. Try.

I was extremely scared after I quit. I wanted to find another system to help me feel “safe,” to have a charted path and so I entered the MFT track and started Masters in Counseling. I am not sure if I want to be a full-time counselor but I am going to complete my degree and see what happens. I am curious about healthcare tech. What is the future of healthcare? The future of tech? What about life, death, and longevity? These are all questions I am curious about. I am going to work at a senior homes and providing care to elders who might think about questions like mortality, end of life decisions, memory care, assisted living etc. How to age gracefully? How to die gracefully? I am not scared to have conversations about death and I want the last x years of our lives to be spent outside of a small 8x10 room (eg hospital).

Another thing I am looking for is does this person like me for me? A friend told me this is something that happens over time - when people get to know each other, it’s a lifelong process (or some people actually believe that this is a multiple lives process or timeless process - see my last post). For example, someone who is curious will ask you questions, listen, try to get to know you, understand you, see you. And don’t want you to be anyone else but you (see this post). I was lucky to experience this kind of romantic love in my first relationship in my late teens / early twenties. Someone who is projecting stuff onto you might make you feel bad. For example, when someone who cares about me expresses feedback or requests for change in my actions, they will do it with love. Expressing boundaries with love is a true art and skill. On the other hand, if someone is criticizing me for my life choices like I am too bold, I travel too much, I express myself too much, I should shave my armpit, my legs are too ugly, my writing is too all over the place, etc. it might be real (in fact, it really is what they are feeling and seeing). It is their reality. I don’t know if objective reality exists or not but I would rather hang out with someone who likes my writing or at least tries to understand it rather than someone who is already seeing me as “lack” or “not enough”. You can love me and give me feedback. However if you are certain that I am making the “wrong” life choices, you might be projecting things onto me. Maybe you are scared to travel, you are scared to quit your job, maybe you are limiting yourself so you spend your time and energy criticizing those who are living and expressing rather than grieve your own choices or take accountability for your life.

I don’t know if I will be able to find a corporate job if I am so outspoken like this and totally mostly myself but I Trust that there is a job out there for me that pays for a living and let’s me be me. Since quoting Socrates might make this sound fancy, let’s do it, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Beside the fact he was a privileged white man living in a highly patriarchal and classist world, I liked what Henry David Thoreau said about “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”

Back to having kids -

I’d love to have kids and given I will be 30 soon I must do some planning

A. Freeze my eggs in the next few years (before 35) - can be covered by a corporate job, out of pocket, or donate half of my eggs and get it sponsored

B. Have kids before 35. Need some luck and Yuan-Fen

Hopefully I will have kids and settle in the Bay Area before 35. That’s the life path I see right now. Maybe I will be a full-time therapist, or maybe I will work in health tech or run my own business but I am accepting that to live one life might require giving up on some alternative or parallel life paths. Like a life in Shanghai, or Dali, or being an astronaut or music star. I am ok with that.

**

Let me start with a disclaimer:

Since starting to start counseling psychology, I’ve had/still have my fair share of doubts around the field of ‘psychology’, and ‘therapy’ especially. Counseling/Therapy is a relatively new phenomenon/field in the grand scheme of things and didn’t always have a great history. Mental health institutions have acted discriminatorily, abusively, and often times created more divides in the world than unity, tolerance, inclusivity, and belonging.

**

Ok, let’s continue.

One of the things I’ve come to understand / or one of the ways I am viewing myself has shifted from “who am I? What am I? What is my place in the world” to “Who I am in in relationship to?”

First, I believe it’s relatively difficult to generalize a person. For example - one could say — Chuhan is very kind. Ok maybe most times I am kind, or to most people I am kind, but if you ask a particular person or two, they might give you another opinion. I think it’s ok to generalize and be specific at the same time - I am mostly kind, but I’ve done a few things that have hurt a few people. The same action to X might not hurt X but would hurt Y.

This brings to the point - do people have any qualities or essence to them that’s unchanging - what makes “someone” “someone”? Like what makes Chuhan Chuhan?

This is a really deep question because it touches on deeper philosophical and existential questions such as: what is an “I”?

There are many schools of philosophy/religion/beliefs about this, including but definitely not limited to:

1. Some people believe there is a soul/spirit/essence that doesn’t die and will run different bodies or incarnate as different bodies

2. Some people believe there is no soul and you only live once (you come and you die)

3. Some people believe “one” lives through memories or legacies (e.g., Día de los Muertos)

View 2 is so different from View 1 - and might change the entire way you live your life / make decisions / etc.

For example - if you believe you only live once (YOLO), you might:

• Really cherish this opportunity and live life to the fullest

• Fuck it - YOLO - I am not going to care about anything - and I am not to die anything so why not maximize my pleasure/or whatever it is that one cares about to the fullest

• Adopt a scarcity mindset - and perhaps do things out of fear

If you believe in Karma and/or the reincarnation model, you might:

• Do good deeds this life so you can reincarnate as a human again, or perhaps 超度, awaken/reach enlightenment and become a Buddha/God/Angel/Bodhisattva - this can range from a “healthy” level of “Karma as my guidance / helps me determine what’s the best / most moral course of action for all beings/lives involved” to

  • Hyper fixate on maximizing Karma points

  • Using Karma and/or past lives to explain everything (bad things, good things) and potentially denying or not taking responsibility for actions in this lifetime

Ok let’s go back to the main topic:

How has my self-perception or who I think I am changed?

I used to think a lot about - who am I? What am I going to do in this world in this lifetime? Do I want to have a family? Do I want to have kids? When do I want to have kids? How do I balance having a career and “settling down” in one place vs traveling around? What have I done in my 20s? Have I “wasted” my 20s?

I’ve now shifted this view to “Who am I in relationship to?” This often puts me in the perspective of another person’s shoes - and I start to see more of how they might experience me and clear away any stories in the middle. For example - I used to think my Mom wanted my life to look a certain way - a stable job, a house in the Bay Area, and some kids. But now I take a step back, and I think, “What does my mom really want from me?” As well as “If I was my mom, what would I really want for myself?”

In other words, the realization I had was that the questions/statements of “Do you have a boyfriend/partner; when are you going to get a boyfriend/partner; next time bring back your partner” was less so about “having a partner for the sake of having a partner” but more so - wanting someone to be there for me, to be my safety net, my safe harbor, my shoulder to lean on, and to look out for me (and vice versa).

A common model across many spirit / wisdom traditions, therapy philosophies, theory of change, coaching models, authors, and artists: One’s job is to be/become oneself. To get to know oneself, to be oneself, and naturally oneself is loving, kind, courageous, creative, and wants to contribute/is contributing.

So this leas to the question - what does it mean to be/become oneself?

• An assumption: Be/becoming oneself requires seeing one clearly

• So how does one see oneself clearly?

• One potential thing: to clear way misconceptions or ideas about oneself - e.g., I am lazy. I am picky.

  • Many times these stories were “told” and got imprinted on others by others. For example, Resting -> becomes Lazy. Having preferences and stating them -> becomes Picky.

• So how does one see oneself clearly?

  • An inquiry

Back to the original quote of “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” I think I might have to disagree with C.S. Lewis. I am not sure if I’ve thought about myself less - but I’ve been enjoying more and more in terms of thinking about my relationships and how others might experience me — the difference is I think I am more attuned to “who provides an accurate reflection of me?” Versus “who sees me as a story/character/makes judgements/assumptions/boxes?” —>

What does it mean to have an accurate perception? This is a similar question to “How does one see oneself clearly?” Someone also asked me the question, “Do I need someone else to see me in order for me to see myself?” I answered, “Yes, I think that helps a lot but it’s not necessary.”

This is a similar inquiry to also, “What is right and wrong?” “What is Morality?” In C.S. Lewis’ book, Mere Christianity, he used morality as an evidence for God/Christ. How do we know what is right vs wrong, especially when there is no law or that laws don’t reflect true right and wrong (e.g., slavery was legal, many genocides were/are legalized). If you were a soldier in a genocide, do you follow orders because everyone else is doing it, or do you have a small voice telling you inside that this is wrong, even if you feel like you have no choice and you are still doing it. If so, what is that voice? Who is that voice? How does that voice know what is right/wrong? Where does that come from? This was C.S. Lewis’ argument for there being a God. That voice that is inside us that already knows what is right/wrong, that already knows who we are, is God.

It helps when someone sees you for who you are - I don’t know if I can totally communicate this feeling to you here - but I hope you have examples you can think of, people you can think of, who makes you feel this way, whether it’s an artist, a singer, a song, or a friend, a family member, a teacher, a mentor, a therapist, I hope you have someone in your life who sees you, and you might even call that Love.

Ok this is it for tonight :) good night again

Yesterday I went to visit my favorite childhood bookstore in Yangpu district and picked up a book by a famous and award-winning Chinese author, Yu Hua, about writing. It was a collection of essays, speeches, and answers to young writers — a little bit like Letters to a Young Poet. In one of the essays, he said, “The most important element in becoming a writer, is to write.” It’s a little bit of a no brainer yet the most important thing - an important reminder.

He also talked about how he has read a lot of works by writers all over the world, and he said the point of reading and studying others’ writing is so you develop your own voice. The point is not to write like anybody else, but to write more and more like yourself. After writing itself, the second most important thing to writing is to have confidence. Confidence, 自信 in simplified Chinese, also implies self-trust and a level of ownership and responsibility. Yuhua goes on to say, “The most important thing is write, because there won’t be any writings of yours if you don’t write. And a great piece of writing is wrote.” I am majorly paraphrasing what he says and adding in my own flavor as I translate his words from Chinese to English, but that was the essence that I took away from that book.

1. The most important thing to writing is to write

2. The second most important thing to writing is to have and develop confidence

3. Learn - keep learning about and from others’ writings - both in terms of technique and style (e.g., sentence structures, punctuation, dialogue, language, etc.) and in terms of what they are conveying (This is something Mary Oliver also emphasized in A Poetry Handbook, which I read a little while ago).

Good writing isn’t built in a day - I have so much I could say about my China trip so let me begin with my intention for this writing.

1. My primary intention is to document this day this me, in this time space reality. I am so fresh coming out of the trip and I want to capture what this brain has to say, this moment-in-time

2. Another intention - relatedly - is to capture what current me remembers as the moments of this trip. Memories fade, change, and altar, so I want to note down some important moments and lessons.

3. Perhaps the most important learnings one could learn is learnings about oneself. We could aways read or look up knowledge, but skills like self-confidence, love, and courage aren’t learned in a day. Rather they are built up over time, tested, and change becomes less an one-time event but a long-term habit building - thing that you can only look back and reflect on (cue Steve Jobs: You can only connect the dots backwards).

Similarly to this China trip, I also want to do a little bit of reflecting on my first year of Master in Counseling Psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy track). — before I start second year, practicum (internship), and get into the groove again!!

I am not sure if I can do both in one-post, but I am so going to try.

Interweaving all of this are themes of love, belonging, identity, language, and culture.

Lastly before I begin, I must also admit that I’ve thought about writing a more informative post about China, how China has changed, what I am observing about China vs perhaps other countries, and a more practical guide to understanding and perhaps navigating China if you ever plan to visit or study. This post might cover some of those content but this is not the primary purpose.

Since it’s already midnight:20 I am going to end this post for now, this is a teaser/prelude. If you have any topics you are especially interested in, pls ask!! I’d love to do a Q&A format post as well. Pls give me inspiration and ideas and questions and curiosities!

KK Love you

Good night

I am

Getting better at

Being in the knowing

To not know is to know

Is to

Trust

Is to

Receive

Is to

Love

I don’t really know yet. What’s the rush?

I am in the present, spacious awareness

I am awareness itself awakened

I detach from the present I breathe

I am Love. Already coherent, Already whole

There is nothing I must do

All the answers are within me

I am here.

All the moments I’ve been triggered by,

We can go and heal them.

Time and space are not an issue.

Resonance is.

In the field to field connection,

Anything can be healed.

I hold you. I tend you. I love you. I maintain my space,

my boundaries.

I love you,

from afar.

This past weekend I visited my friend Alex in Santa Cruz. We had met a few years ago (actually, two and half years ago) at a workshop about the masculine and feminine polarities. I was a big mess back then, but trying very hard.

We became friends after I had heard that she lived …

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What if, what if life, was an opportunity, filled with possibility?

Filled with possibility (Limitless)

Filled with possibility (To be written).

What if life was full of dreams? (To be created).

Where do these dreams come from? (Is it Love?)

What is it like to love without attachment?

No coming…

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Power is in each and every individual — Chuhan

Don’t you love it when an author quotes themselves? It’s such a power move.

I am on a reclaiming power journey - where I am claiming my self-worth and my self-acceptance, and my self-love, and my self-power. Where I am reclaiming - me. I am reclaiming - my life.

It’s been two years since I first started this blog and since my friend told me that I have a very unique way of writing. And to keep writing - because I have an unique voice. Well, Hell yeah I have an unique voice!!!

Whoo hoo!!!

Well, earlier this year, in January, at a Rosen workshop, a trainer teacher told me the same thing - He said, you have a really beautiful voice. Keep writing please.

Well, I am!! Whoo hoo!!

Today I listened to Florence Given’s ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’ Book - and she is such a rock star and an embodiment of a woman standing in her full power, her radiance, and divinity. She talks about all the ways that many people were made to feel bad about just being ourselves, and all the ways that we make ourselves small, to please people, to please the patriarchy, to keep the systems in place.

She has been a huge influence for me along with many other women whom I’ve been learning with, learning from, and amazed by.

One of the ways that we break out of the mold is to reclaim ourselves and recognize that we have an unique voice. Each and every one of us has an unique way of expressing and of feeling and of sensing, and the beautiful world is made of all of unique expressions, not on Oppression.

I want to see all the ways that you express yourself.

Love

is the very fabric of our being

and is everywhere

is available

every moment

a

gentle

reminder

you

are

very

loved.