If procrastination were a profession, I’d be rolling in the dough.

For a long time, I didn’t understand why I kept putting things on the back burner for what felt like a brief relief, only to embrace intense anxiety when a deadline was looming. Whether it was self-imposed or not, I am definitely a gal who has spent some time trying to solve the mystery of delay.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized this pattern was not uncommon. I wasn’t the only one waiting on the Procrastination Station platform. I rode a packed train with millions of others who lean in on “One Day” over “Day One.” Two words that can change the trajectory of your life depending on how they flow.

“One day” is a passive promise. It’s filled with hope to do that thing someday. Maybe you’ve played the script in your head before.

I’ll write the book one day.

I’ll get back to working out one day.

I’ll reach out to them one day.

I’ll start…one day.

One day feels good because there is no pressure attached to it. It gives the impression that you’re starting the engine…just not today. Not now. Instead, you consider your start safely, somewhere in the distant future, in a far-away galaxy, when you have more time, more energy, and more bandwidth to “get ‘er done.”

“Day One” is different. It’s a decision that says, “I’m starting now.”

Day One doesn’t always mean “I’m ready.” It can simply mean “I’m willing.” And that in itself is a powerful choice as you step into uncertainty without a perfect plan. There’s actually some fascinating neuroscience behind why that distinction matters.

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Why Your Brain Likes “One Day.”

Our brains are wired to conserve energy, to seek reward, and to avoid unnecessary discomfort. Starting something new requires effort and executive function. That means planning, prioritizing, making decisions, initiating an action, and (gulp) staying with it. That’s a lot of work for the little noggin that could.

“I’m going to start my workout plan tomorrow” is easy to say, but it’s also non-committal. You know what makes a dent? Putting on your sneakers when tomorrow arrives. The moment you get the brain and body involved, shift happens.

And then there’s the reward. When we imagine ourselves accomplishing something in the future, we get to enjoy some of the emotional payoff without having to experience the effort required to get there.

Your amygdala is the part of your brain wired for safety. It doesn’t know time or space. Whatever fills your thoughts is guiding the ship. The moment you realize this, you change the game. Suddenly, you’re managing your nervous system instead of it managing you.

I’ll give you the perfect example. I’ve been on the struggle bus lately and back on the platform at Procrastination Station. I moved into a new home, and all my attention has been on this transition. As wonderful as this next step in the journey is, some things just found their way onto the back burner…again. Even as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about a morning slump that almost got the best of me.

I hadn’t released a podcast episode in a few months. My workouts were more like work-less, and the book I’ve been writing for the past few years- the one with the proposal that already received high accolades from top publishers, great feedback from literary agents, and even has top-name endorsements ready to go- had not seen a paragraph or a page in weeks.

I felt like crap on a cracker and was beating myself up as I watched others publish books, podcasts, and reach their fitness goals.

Meanwhile, back at Debbie Downer headquarters, I was stuck in the comparison game, undermining myself, and found myself back on that less-than-desirable platform again. This time the train was destined for Indecision City. Now that I’m ready to leave Procrastination Station, I didn’t know where to start or what to tackle first.

Then it hit me as I was doomscrolling. Which, by the way, is just another procrastination tactic. Thankfully, this time, it was the message I needed to hear. Dr. Wayne Dyer came up on my screen. For me, this is nothing out of the ordinary. But the words were intentional, and nothing is by accident.

”You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.”

Oof! Felt that.

In that moment, I put my phone down, paused, and permitted myself to visualize the outcome I desired. I sat in the discomfort, partnered with my nervous system, and took back control. I not only imagined myself finishing the next chapter of my book; I felt it. Then I sat down for an hour with a timer to write. One hour turned into three.

Next stop. The gym. I visualized what it would feel like post-workout and the high you get that comes with feeling stronger, healthier, and on the right track. I bought new sneakers and left them by the door as a reminder of One Day vs Day One. My boyfriend and I ditched the car and walked a mile to the gym as a warm-up and home for the cool-down. Suddenly, we got intentional and were in motion.

As I’m booking more guests for the HIListically Speaking Podcast, I decided to go back into the vault and have a coming-to-Jesus moment with myself. Since September is Self-Care Awareness Month, the girl in the mirror needed a “snap out of it” shake-up. I listened to Episode 95 of my show. 30 Actionable Self-Care Steps may have been released four years ago on HIListically Speaking, but these HUG it Out tips are just as important today… If not more.

Motivation Doesn’t Always Come First

Everything in life begins with a thought, not an action. Our brains also tend to discount rewards that are farther away. A benefit that comes months from now can feel less compelling than the immediate comfort or reward.

So the couch wins. So does the doomscrolling and “I’ll do it tomorrow” dialogue. Before you know it, tomorrow becomes next week, or next month, or even next year. And then what?

Before you kick yourself and say, “This is so me,” I want to remind you that this isn’t about being lazy or lacking discipline; it’s about understanding the brain you’re working with rather than fighting against it.

One of the pillars of the HUG it Out® Method leans on understanding our nervous systems and how we choose to show up in the world. And showing up means there’s an awareness that a shift is desired. This is one of the biggest misconceptions I see. We wait to feel motivated before we act. But it is in the action that motivation is created.

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Think about the last time you didn’t want to work out but made yourself walk around the block anyway. You didn’t suddenly become a fitness influencer halfway down the street. But you did take that first step. Then another. And another. With each step, you felt a little better. Maybe you walked a little farther, and tomorrow became easier. That’s how momentum begins.

One small action gives your brain evidence that a desired outcome is possible. And repeated behavior can become more automatic over time, which means the behavior eventually requires less conscious effort. That’s habit formation.

It doesn’t happen because you made one enormous commitment and finished he marathon. It happens because you repeated a behavior enough times for your brain to begin recognizing it as familiar.

Day One doesn’t require you to have it all figured out; it just needs to happen. And it can be as simple as opening the document or writing 100 words where there were once none. It can be walking for 10 minutes, even though the couch was once a cozier option. You’re finally stepping off the Procrastination Station platform onto the Transformation Train.

Playing the If-Then Game

There’s a fascinating area of behavioral science around what researchers call implementation intentions. Instead of simply saying, “I want to exercise more,” you create a specific if-then plan.

If it’s 7 a.m., then I put on my sneakers.

If I finish my morning coffee, then I write for 15 minutes.

If I notice myself reaching for my phone at bedtime, then I put it across the room.

You’re giving your brain a cue by taking something vague and turning it into something actionable because there’s a difference between having an intention and having a plan for what you’ll actually do when the moment arrives.

That’s Day One.

And let me be clear. Day One doesn’t mean you’re starting from zero. This is especially important if you’ve tried before. Losing momentum is not failure. And it certainly doesn’t mean you’re starting from scratch. You’re starting with information. And information means experience. You know more now. What worked and what didn’t. Where you need support or can do it on your own. That’s data.

This is where HUG it Out comes in.

My HUG it Out philosophy is rooted in Humor, Understanding, and Gratitude. And I think all three belong on Day One.

Humor, because sometimes life does not go according to plan.

I had a plan. Then I moved. My beautifully organized schedule basically looked at me and said, “That’s cute.”

You have to be able to laugh at yourself sometimes.

Understanding, because we are so much kinder to everyone else than we are to ourselves. If your friend told you she had fallen off her routine because she was moving, exhausted, overwhelmed, and sleeping poorly, would you call her a loser?

Of course not. You’d probably tell her to give herself a break. You deserve that same understanding.

And then there’s Gratitude.

Instead of only looking at what you haven’t done, look at what you have done.

The workouts you did.
The pages you wrote.
The hard conversations you had.
The boundaries you created.
The seasons you survived.
The things you started.
The things you finished.

Gratitude changes the starting line.
You’re not beginning empty-handed. You’re beginning with everything you’ve already learned.

So how do we flip the switch? By putting the kibosh on waiting for the perfect moment and taking the first step. We get intentional and create cues. And we damn well better celebrate even the small wins instead of demanding perfection.

And perhaps most importantly, we stop making ourselves feel ready before we’re allowed to begin.

This is where nervous system regulation matters too. When we’re overwhelmed, stressed, or constantly in a state of “go, go, go,” even simple decisions can feel harder.

Creating moments of safety, connection, and regulation can help us get out of survival mode and back into a state where we can think, choose, and act with greater intention.

That’s one of the reasons I love the work I do with Havening Techniques®.

It’s not about forcing yourself to “get motivated”; it’s about creating a moment where you can pause, regulate, and reconnect with what matters.

Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is give your nervous system a little room to breathe.

And if you’d like a little support putting that intention into motion, join me for a Havening Happy Hour.

Join Me on September 9th

Think of it as a place to pause, connect, regulate your nervous system, and be kind to your mind. Your Day One.

If you can’t join me live, you can still start right where you are.

Take a breath and ask yourself:

What is ONE goal I’ve been saying “one day” about that I can make “day one” today?

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Don’t overthink the answer. Just lean in to what comes to mind.

Then make the first step so small your brain can’t come up with a good excuse.

Remember: One Day or Day One.

Which one are you choosing?

When in doubt, HUG it Out and let the games begin.

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.
1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn
🎙️Suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

Mister Rogers wrote me a letter, and I cried when I read it out loud. I’d love to tell you it was handwritten by America’s favorite neighbor when I was a little girl. The truth is, a 53-year-old woman wrote it during a moment of deep connection.

That woman was me.

The letter came after spending two days immersed in the Work of Fred Rogers Conference, surrounded by people who don’t just admire his philosophy; they live it.

When I was invited to present my HUG it Out® framework and the neuroscience-informed practice of Havening Techniques®, I thought I was bringing something to the neighborhood. I didn’t realize the neighborhood was about to give back on an entirely new level.

I’ve spent years talking about emotional well-being, self-regulation, social-emotional learning, and being kind to the mind. Those ideas are woven into the fabric of my existence. But sharing them in a place dedicated to the legacy of Fred Rogers felt different. Something…shifted.

Like millions of children, I grew up sitting cross-legged on the floor with a bowl of cereal, watching the kindest man in America welcome me into his neighborhood.

Back then, I thought he was teaching me about feeling. As I got older and started to process his teachings, I realized I was learning about belonging.

Walking through the Fred Rogers Center felt like a reunion with old friends. There was King Friday XIII, Daniel the Striped Tiger, Lady Elaine Fairchild, and, of course, the cheerful trolley that carried us into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

The raven-haired child in me, the one with her hair in pigtails, couldn’t stop smiling. But what surprised me most wasn’t seeing familiar neighbors from my childhood; it was meeting new ones. OK. That’s not entirely true. The adult Hilary was rather giddy the minute I saw the iconic red cardigan and sneakers. Familiarity and consistency were not coincidental with Mister Rogers. Everything was intentional, right down to the sweater, the shoes, and how he spoke to all of us. Eye to eye, from a place that felt equal and connected. He understood emotional well-being decades before “neuroscience” became a buzzword. In many ways, he gave us the language to explain why it works. And he didn’t hold back.

In 1969, Fred Rogers testified before the United States Senate Commerce Subcommittee on Communications. After just six minutes, he successfully defended proposed federal budget cuts, convincing the committee to maintain the full $20 million in funding for the newly formed Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

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It’s been more than 50 years since that moment on the Senate floor, and it still has an impact. Human beings coming together inside the building that bears his name, surrounded by nearly 300 educators, librarians, therapists, researchers, caregivers, and parents. Every person committed to helping children feel seen, safe, and supported. But also helping themselves. That’s the HUG it Out way.

As I looked around the room, I realized these weren’t simply professionals; they were neighbors from all walks of life sharing the same Fred Rogers values. Everyone with a story that has been nurtured or impacted by “The Minister of Make-Believe.” One attendee called him “The Original Influencer.” In today’s day digital age, that seems fitting. But I think he warrants a greater title. I prefer the word inspirer, educator, and friend.

It’s been more than 20 years since Mister Rogers passed away, and he still manages to make a difference, turning make-believe into believing in yourself. This is a neighborhood without walls and one that deserves more exploring.

When the conference ended, the next leg of my journey began. I spent the day exploring Latrobe, Pennsylvania, the town Fred Rogers called home. I passed by the house where he was born. Then, on to the home where he spent countless hours in the attic. A boy, his puppets, and an active imagination that evolved into his life’s work.

Latrobe is surrounded by rolling farmland, quiet roads, and the breathtaking forests on the Allegheny Mountains. Driving through it naturally slows your nervous system, inviting reflection instead of rushing you toward the next destination. Nestled among those hills is a town that feels exactly as you’d imagine Fred Rogers would hail from. Warm and gentle. Welcoming. But there was more to explore.

Then I visited Unity Cemetery where Fred Rogers’ family plot rests peacefully on top of the hill. I sat on the steps of the family mausoleum. GIVEN above the door, his mother’s side. The door was showered with offerings from those before me. Pebbles, pennies, and personal trinkets. I found a small stone, held it close to my heart, kissed it, placed it gently by the door, and sat on the steps.

In front of me, brick pillars and paved path separated the newer part of Unity from the oldest sections of the cemetery. I took my shoes off, grounded my feet in the dewy grass, and explored. I was surrounded by towering trees and weathered headstones that have witnessed generations of history. It felt…electric. I walked between the stones and found shelter beneath a massive oak. I felt safe here among the whispers of the past. Gently, I placed my hands on the goliath tree trunk, closed my eyes, and took a breath. As the sun began to set, I stood fighting back tears. It was as if I felt a gentle embrace, and the words that came through dropped me to my knees.

”You are safe. You are welcome.”

I realized that this, too, was a neighborhood. Quiet, sacred, and peaceful, but proof that lives and stories were lived. Stone after stone, the word created community. Here lies a mother, a father, a patriot, a daughter, a son. Neighborhoods that came long before the boy in the attic made Latrobe his home. Perhaps they too devoted their lives to kindness.

Neighborhoods are not defined by numbers. Not time, not zip codes, not age or wealth, but through connection and shared experiences. And with the people who make us feel safe enough to be ourselves.

Then I reflected on my letter from my television friend, Fred Rogers. Before I wrote it, I attended a workshop where attendees read children’s letters to Mister Rogers, followed by reading his replies. Fred Rogers was known for personally answering every single fan letter he received. Thousands of them. He would wake up at 5:00 a.m. every morning, spend time thoughtfully reading and responding to the 50 to 100 daily letters from children and parents from neighborhoods all over the world. When it came time for us to write our own letters, we had a choice. Write to Mister Rogers, have Mister Rogers write us, or choose to journal. For me, the “Speedy Delivery” was hearing what he had to say.

As my pen moved across the page, I stopped trying to think and simply listened. The words flowed effortlessly. I was overwhelmed with love as if he was reading it to me himself. It was a reminder that despite the doubts I had been carrying, wondering if I was doing enough, being enough, and questioning whether I was on the right path, I was exactly where I needed to be.

Then came the part I never expected. We were invited to share our letters with a small group. Before I could make it through the first few sentences, emotion caught in my throat. The tears came before the words. Without warning, I felt a gentle hand resting on my back from a caregiver who attended my session. Earlier that day, he approached me to tell me how much he needed what I had shared during the HUG it Out workshop. Now, without saying a single word, he had become the person giving back.

That’s a neighbor.

As I drove home the next day, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the neighborhoods that are part of our lives. The physical ones. The emotional ones. The communities we intentionally build. The people we choose to surround ourselves with. And perhaps the most important neighborhood of all…. the one that exists inside our heads. The thoughts we welcome and the stories we replay over and over again. If there is one neighborhood we can choose to live in, it’s our thoughts, and our nervous system is building a community around them. If we pay attention and follow Mister Rogers’ words, we can manage and perhaps befriend them too.

A few days later, I hosted my monthly Havening Happy Hour online. As participants logged in, I noticed several familiar faces from the Fred Rogers Conference had joined. The neighborhood had grown. Or maybe it had simply followed me home. Another reminder that kindness doesn’t stay in one place. If you allow it, it follows you and flourishes where you plant the seeds. It only takes one conversation or act of compassion. One brave moment of vulnerability or a helping hand.

In a world that often feels divided, noisy, and uncertain, we hear Fred Rogers’ famous advice to “look for the helpers.”

I still believe that’s exactly what we should do. But I also think we’re called to do something more. Find your neighborhood. Create one if you haven’t found it yet. Become the kind of neighbor someone else is hoping to meet. Because there are far more good people in this world than we’re led to believe. I know. I spent two days with nearly 300 of them. And every one of them reminded me that belonging isn’t something we stumble upon but something we build. And where there are 300 strangers in a room fueled by kindness, there are other communities just waiting to open the door and say, “Hi, Neighbor.”

Fred Rogers said it best:

“Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people.”

Maybe that’s what the Neighborhood was really about all along.

A thought to ponder:
How did Mister Rogers have an impact on your life, and how do you apply it today?
I’d love to read what you have to share. And just like our favorite neighbor, expect a response…speedy delivery.

Leave a comment

HUGs and 143 🤗🤟

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:
🫶 Join me online or in person for one of my HUG it Out or Havening Events
🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn
🎙️Tune into the HIListically Speaking Podcast

“Do you think your parent’s trauma impacted you, Mom?”

It’s not your typical golf course banter. But that’s what I asked my mother between swings at the driving range, and she didn’t miss a beat…or the ball.

I’ve been thinking a lot about generational trauma lately. Something shifts in midlife. It’s like a new tab opens up in our inner operating system. We’re processing data differently. Conversations with friends change. The sandwich generation is not just thinking about their children’s well-being but their parents’ as well. And with that comes a lot of questions about the past to help make sense of things we’ve had questions about for far too long.

As our parents get older, their life story matters more than ever. It plays a big part in our own life chapters. In many ways, it can help us understand the whys and hows behind the whats, wheres, and whos. If we’re open to it, it can create a space for greater understanding of belief systems we’ve nurtured and protected for years. And, if we’re open and aware, we can decide to change thoughts, moods, behaviors, and habits that no longer serve us.

I decided to head to Connecticut over Father’s Day weekend. This year marks four years since my stepdad passed away. It was also his birthday. I knew being with my mom would help ease some of the sadness that comes with remembering someone you love and miss deeply. So, I suggested we hit the golf course, a favorite pastime of theirs. And frankly, my mom has taught me how to swing at more than golf balls in my life.

Somewhere between buckets of balls and conversation, I found myself asking questions I probably wouldn’t have asked ten years ago. Questions about family history, loss, and the experiences that shaped her long before she became my mother. And then there was my father, who has been gone almost 25 years. I often wonder if he were alive, would my life be different with his presence and guidance?

These same themes surfaced in a recent conversation on HIListically Speaking Podcast with entrepreneur, diabetes advocate, and author Howard Steinberg. As the son of Holocaust survivors, Howard has spent years exploring how family history and childhood experiences shaped the life he built, the challenges he faced, and ultimately the person he became.

Our conversation left me thinking about something we often overlook. How much of our story begins long before we arrive?

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Steinberg built three successful companies and a family while privately grappling with generational trauma, a lifelong struggle with diabetes and ADHD, and the unshakeable feeling that, despite his success, there was something vital missing. At sixty, divorce and professional loss pushed him to ask a difficult question: Had he built a life driven by survival instinct rather than inner truth? His search led to psychedelic therapy, spiritual awakening, and a profound reckoning with the childhood traumas that shaped him. He traces his journey in his debut memoir, ,Confessions of a Problem Seeker: My Lifetime Journey from Busy Brain to Loving Heart.

This is more than a story about trauma; it’s a story about identity. More specifically, what happens when the identity you’ve spent decades building begins to feel too small for the person you’re becoming.

Many of us are carrying stories we didn’t write. As children, we adapt. We learn what earns approval, keeps us safe, and who we need to be. The challenge is that those adaptations can become so familiar that we mistake them for our personality.

Then what happens? We find ourselves in different roles. The achiever. The caretaker. The fixer. The entrepreneur. The responsible one. All in all, the person who never slows down.

Over time, the role becomes so intertwined with our identity that we forget there was ever a distinction between who we are and what we do. I’ve seen this in my work and in my own life. And I’ve certainly seen it in conversations with guests who appear to have everything figured out from the outside.

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Success has a funny way of hiding deeper questions. You can build a thriving career and still wonder who you are when you’re not working. You can spend years helping others while quietly neglecting parts of yourself. Every box is checked, and yet there’s still a feeling that something essential is waiting to be discovered.

Awareness changes everything. Perhaps that’s what personal growth really is. It’s the part that allows us to look back at earlier versions of ourselves and say, “You were doing the best you could with what you knew.”

So, here’s a question for you to ponder:
What part of your identity have you been carrying for so long that you’ve stopped questioning whether it still belongs to you?

Leave a comment

Sometimes the most meaningful growth begins when we’re willing to ask a different question.

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.
1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn
🎙️Suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

The New York Knicks may have accidentally created one of the biggest neuroscience experiments in modern history. And most people didn’t even realize they were participating.

Last week, I learned a term that immediately stopped me in my tracks: collective effervescence. The phrase was coined by French sociologist Émile Durkheim in 1912 to describe the powerful emotional energy that emerges when people gather around a shared purpose, belief, or experience. It is that feeling when individual identities seem to soften, and something larger takes over. A sense of belonging. Unity. Connection.

If you live in New York, you probably felt it. The last time this happened was in diapers in 1973. Clearly I was holding my breath, waiting patiently for a repeat performance. Or maybe I just had gas.

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As the Knicks moved closer and closer to capturing their first NBA championship in more than five decades, the energy became impossible to ignore. You could feel it in conversations on street corners, in restaurants, on social media, and inside packed bars. Strangers were talking to strangers. People who had nothing else in common suddenly had everything in common.

For a few brief moments, the city seemed to breathe together.

To HUG it Out® together.

As a born-and-bred New Yorker with deep ties to professional sports, I know that feeling well. Sports have always had a unique ability to bring people together. They create shared stories, shared victories, and yes, shared heartbreak.

But what happened recently felt different. This wasn’t simply about basketball. It was about human connection. An entire city made up of different backgrounds, cultures, religions, beliefs, political viewpoints, professions, and financial circumstances found common ground.

For once, people weren’t focused on what separated them. They were focused on what united them. And from a neuroscience perspective, that’s fascinating.

Your Brain Was Built for This

Humans are wired for connection. Long before smartphones, streaming services, and endless notifications competed for our attention, our survival depended on belonging to a tribe. Being connected wasn’t simply nice to have. It was necessary.

Our nervous systems still operate from that ancient blueprint. When we experience moments of genuine connection, our brains respond in remarkable ways. Stress hormones can decrease. Feel-good neurochemicals associated with trust, safety, and social bonding increase. We become more emotionally regulated. We feel less alone. We feel safe.

That feeling matters because safety is the foundation of well-being. When your nervous system perceives safety, your body shifts out of survival mode. Creativity expands. Curiosity returns. Joy becomes accessible. You become more present.

Think about the emotional atmosphere surrounding the Knicks. Strangers hugging strangers and high-fiving people they had never met. They were laughing and celebrating together.

For a brief period of time, an entire city experienced a collective exhale. And perhaps that’s what many of us are really craving. But this isn’t about sports and winning another championship. This is something we can experience at any time.

Why We Shouldn’t Wait for a Championship Parade

The challenge is that many people only experience collective effervescence during major events. Think about your last concert, festival, or sporting event you attended. How about that time you went to that wedding or experienced your own, dancing all night long? How about your graduation?

Then the event ends, and people return to their individual lives feeling disconnected again. But what if we didn’t have to wait?

What if creating feelings of connection, belonging, and safety became part of our everyday lives and we intentionally cultivated those experiences?

I believe we can. Every time we sit down for a meaningful conversation, share a laugh or gather with people who support us, we choose presence over distraction. Every time we offer kindness or allow ourselves to be fully seen. These moments, big and small, create profound shifts within the nervous system.

The brain does not always distinguish between a massive crowd celebrating a championship and a meaningful moment of connection with someone who truly sees you. But it does gravitate to a sense of safety, belonging, and being part of something larger than yourself.

The Science of a Good HUG

If you’ve followed my work for any length of time, you know that HUG it Out® is about much more than physical hugs. It’s about cultivating Humor, Understanding, and Gratitude. It’s about creating conditions where the nervous system can soften. It’s about reconnecting with ourselves and one another.

The reason those Knicks celebrations resonated so deeply is that they contained many of the ingredients our brains naturally seek…joy, connection, and humanity.

In a world that often feels divided, moments like these remind us that connection is still possible. Maybe that’s why so many people felt emotional watching complete strangers celebrate together. This wasn’t just witnessing basketball, but rather belonging.

Bringing the Feeling Home

The beautiful thing about collective effervescence is that you don’t need Madison Square Garden to experience it. You simply need opportunities to connect with yourself and others in ways that help your nervous system feel safe, supported, and present. That’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about sharing Havening Techniques®.

Havening is a neuroscience-based psychosensory approach that uses soothing touch and positive experiences to help calm the nervous system and build emotional resilience. It helps create the internal conditions that allow us to access more of the connection, calm, and well-being we’re all seeking.

If the energy surrounding the Knicks reminded us of anything, it’s this:

We are not meant to do life alone. When we come together with a shared purpose, something extraordinary happens.

The Neuroscience of Touch

If you’d like to experience some of that neuroscience for yourself, I invite you to join me for my next Intro to Havening: The Neuroscience of Touch on Wednesday, June 17 at 3 PM ET.

You’ll learn how touch, connection, and simple neuroscience-based tools can help regulate your nervous system, reduce stress, and create more of the safety and resilience your brain craves. Sometimes all it takes is a willingness to HUG it Out®, even when you’re in doubt.

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About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn
🎙️Suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

There’s a great line in one of Jimmy Buffett’s songs that always made me laugh.
I thought it was clever. That is, until I figured out he was talking to me.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

At some point in life, something inside you keeps whispering, “This doesn’t feel right anymore.”

Not necessarily because your life has fallen apart, sometimes it happens even when everything looks peachy-keen from the outside. The career. The relationship. The routine. The role you’ve played for years. Maybe even decades.

But deep down? Something no longer fits.

And if you’ve ever found yourself standing at that emotional crossroads, asking questions like who and I know, what do I want, and is there more to it all? I hear your call. In fact, with a world that has turned itself upside down, I imagine, you and me, babe…we aren’t alone.

But what I’ve noticed over the years, as someone who considered herself the Queen of indecisiveness, is that the greatest act of courage is choice. The power of agency and being who you choose to be.

It is that moment when you start to trust yourself and feel comfortable walking away from people, places, and experiences that no longer serve you. And the big high five? You don’t need to be understood…even when others question your choices, or you’re terrified of the “what’s next?”

Stepping into the fire does not have to mean you get burned. Even if you do, a little heat can be the rocket fuel that propels you forward.

That thought came to mind during my HIListically Speaking Podcast conversation with Deborah Santana on episode 210.

Deborah was married to legendary musician Carlos Santana for 34 years and was the daughter of R&B guitarist and singer Saunders King. But her story is so much bigger than the public narrative attached to her name. She is an author, activist, philanthropist, spiritual seeker, founder of the nonprofit Do A Little, and now the author of her deeply personal memoir, Loving the Fire: Choosing Me, Finding Freedom.

During our conversation, we talked about what it means to outgrow identities, communities, relationships, and even spiritual paths.

One of the most powerful moments in our conversation came when Deborah shared the story of leaving the spiritual guru community she and Carlos had followed for years. At the time, it represented belonging, discipline, purpose, and identity. Leaving meant stepping away from certainty into the unknown.

And that got me thinking. How many of us stay in spaces long after we’ve emotionally outgrown them because uncertainty feels scarier than discomfort?

Whether it’s a relationship, a career, a friendship, a belief system, or a version of ourselves we’ve spent years building, walking away can feel like walking through fire. That’s exactly the metaphor Deborah uses in her memoir.

What I loved most about her perspective is that the fire didn’t destroy her. If anything, it revealed her.

As someone who speaks and writes often about healing, trauma, self-regulation, and the neuroscience behind our thoughts and behaviors, I couldn’t help but think about how choice changes the brain.

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When we begin making aligned choices, even small ones, we begin creating new neural pathways rooted in agency, self-trust, and possibility instead of fear.

That’s powerful. And it’s something so many people, especially women in midlife, are craving right now: permission to evolve.

Deborah also shared beautiful insights about meditation, spirituality, grief, legacy, motherhood, becoming a grandmother, and the importance of listening to the inner voice beneath all the noise.

One thing she said that really stayed with me was this:

“We can’t choose ourselves until we know ourselves.”

How often are we performing versions of ourselves we think the world wants… instead of connecting with who we actually are?

So I’ll leave you with a few questions Deborah’s story stirred up in me, and maybe they’ll stir something in you, too:

• What part of your life no longer feels aligned?

• Where are you being invited to trust yourself more deeply?

• What version of yourself are you ready to release?

• What would happen if you stopped waiting for permission to choose yourself…and decided to HUG it Out with yourself?
  

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Maybe the fire you’re walking through right now is the transformation. And maybe, just maybe, there’s freedom on the other side of it.

Listen to my full conversation with Deborah Santana on the HIListically Speaking Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.

Tune in Now!

And if this resonates with you, share it with someone who may need the reminder that it’s never too late to choose themselves.

HUGS!

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn
🎙️Suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

You’ve got a pretty awesome operating system. It’s a perfectly designed computer that shows up when danger is lurking just around the corner. It keeps you safe, and it gives you warning signs.

But here’s the catch. It can also be a super-sensitive, overactive worrywart when uncertainty or uncomfortable circumstances get in the way… even when they are not your own.

[CUE] Secondary traumatic stress.

Please don’t blame your nervous system for doing its job. Thank goodness it is, or humanity would have been gone a long time ago from trying to domesticate the saber-toothed tiger.

But is being on high alert 24/7 helping us in today’s modern world?

In my latest article for City Lifestyle Magazine, I share more about what secondary traumatic stress is, why it’s impacting more of us every day, and how to keep it in check with 10 ways to be kind to the mind right now.

The world may be dysregulated, but your nervous system doesn’t have to follow.

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In today’s world, it’s almost impossible to avoid the pain and suffering of others. Between the 24-hour news cycle, social media feeds that refresh every few seconds, and the reality of what’s happening in our own communities and around the world, we are constantly witnessing the distress of others. And while awareness can build empathy and connection, it can also take a toll on our well-being.

This is where secondary traumatic stress, or STS, comes in.

Secondary traumatic stress refers to the natural emotional and behavioral responses that can occur when we are exposed to someone else’s trauma or suffering. According to the Office for Victims of Crime, STS is the stress that results from helping, or wanting to help, someone who has experienced a traumatic event.

You don’t have to be a first responder, therapist, or healthcare worker to feel it. The impact on any high-stress work environment can definitely be more vulnerable, but in this digital age, it’s crossing everyone’s path.

It can show up when you watch heartbreaking images on the news. It may surface when a friend shares a painful story. It makes its presence known when your child is struggling or when a colleague confides in you about a difficult situation. You feel it as if it’s your own because your nervous system has one job…to keep you alive and safe. And it doesn’t understand time or space.

Our brains are constantly downloading information like a computer operating system. And just like when you have too many programs running at once, the system slows, freezes, or crashes.

We’re living in a global village where everything is accessible. Keywords, hashtags, and trending stories keep us connected, but also create information overload. Sometimes, the language we use to describe what we’re feeling gets blurred.

Take burnout, for example. It’s a term that gets thrown around a lot. It often stems from chronic workplace stress, long hours, lack of support, and feeling inundated by responsibilities. But burnout and secondary traumatic stress are not the same thing. Burnout is typically related to prolonged stress and exhaustion tied to work demands. Secondary traumatic stress, on the other hand, involves exposure to someone else’s trauma or suffering as a key component. The symptoms can look similar.

You might experience mood changes, anxiety, sadness, or irritability. Sleep patterns may shift.

Appetite may change. You might feel mentally foggy or emotionally drained. The symptoms may be physical, with headaches, digestive issues, muscle tension, or fatigue. Or emotional with a loss of purpose, hope, or connection to things that once brought joy.

In more serious cases, unaddressed stress can increase the risk of substance use or suicidal thinking. That’s why creating a trauma-informed culture from the living room to the boardroom is so important.

The truth is: secondary trauma may impact you, but it doesn’t define you.

Awareness is the first step. And the good news is, there are ways to protect your well-being.

So if the world feels heavy lately, here are 10 ways to be kind to your mind and support your resilience.

1. Set Healthy Boundaries

Be mindful of what you allow into your space—not just physically, but emotionally and digitally. It’s okay to step away from the news cycle or limit social media if your bandwidth is tapped.

2. Pace Your Exposure

If your work involves helping others through difficult situations, try to balance heavier cases with lighter responsibilities when possible. Spacing things out can make a meaningful difference.

3. Honor Your Sleep

Sleep is one of the brain’s most powerful reset buttons. Prioritize rest and create a wind-down routine that helps your nervous system shift into recovery mode.

4. Nourish Your Body

What we eat fuels not just our physical health, but our mental clarity and emotional resilience.

5. Get Physical

Movement and physical activity release endorphins. This is the brain’s natural mood booster that helps discharge built-up stress.

6. Focus on Good Moments

When the world feels overwhelming, intentionally look for small moments of positivity. They exist more often than we think.

7. Stay Connected

Isolation amplifies stress. Reaching out to trusted friends or loved ones can help you process emotions and feel supported.

8. Lean on Peer Support

If your work exposes you to difficult stories or situations, talking with colleagues who understand the experience can be incredibly validating.

9. Ask for Help

When you seek support from a supervisor, mentor, or mental health professional, this is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of awareness.

10. Protect your Nervous System

Practices that calm the brain and body, like mindful breathing, movement, or self-regulation tools, can help your system settle and restore balance.

The reality is that caring about others means we will sometimes feel the weight of their struggles. That’s part of being human. But compassion for others has to include compassion for ourselves.

While we may not always be able to control what’s happening in the world around us, sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is to learn how to protect our inner world and be kind to our minds.

Which of these tips align with your well-being? Share in the comments or add to the list.

Leave a comment

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.
4. Subscribe or Upgrade to support my dedication to holistic mental health

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Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

It’s a question that never crossed my mind.

But once you hit the half-century mark, conversations change. Midlife means you’ve entered The Sandwich Generation. The focus of care is not only on your kids, but also on your parents. And as time moves forward, discussions center on your partner’s wishes and likely your own.

These are tough conversations…awkward conversations. Are we really talking about death?

Then the ball drops. A diagnosis and a new topic arrive at the table.

If I’m no longer living, do I have the right to die?

If you’ve ever sat beside someone you love as they suffered, if you’ve watched their quality of life slowly slip through your fingers, if you’ve quietly wondered what your wishes would be when your time comes, then it’s more than a question. It’s a chance to reflect on something you’ve been avoiding for far too long.

Erica Baccus understands this all too well.

She was married to her husband, John, for 41 years. Forty-one years of shared memories, children, inside jokes, routines, growth, and the kind of love that isn’t just romantic, but lived.

And then, as it does for so many families, Dementia entered the room.

John was diagnosed with cognitive decline consistent with Alzheimer’s. If you’ve ever experienced this disease up close, you know it doesn’t just take memory. It slowly takes identity. I lived through this with my grandmother and then, more recently, with my stepfather. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it sucked.

Watching a person fade away is heart-wrenching. Erica and John had been down this road, too, Erica’s mom. It was an experience that left a mark. Now, with John’s news, the conversation shifted.

Then came the line that stopped me in my tracks when Erica shared her story on Episode 209 of the HIListically Speaking Podcast.

Tune in to the Conversation Now!

John’s words after finding out his diagnosis:

“If I don’t have my brain, I am not a person.
If I don’t have a brain, I don’t want to be here.”

We don’t talk enough about this part. We talk about fighting the fight, staying positive, and “making the most of it.” But do we leave out choice? What happens when the system doesn’t give you one?

Erica calls it the Dementia Catch-22, which she highlights in her memoir, Honoring His Wishes, Embracing Our Love.

In the United States, some laws allow for end-of-life options, but the rules and regulations are tight. She shares more about it during our podcast conversation, but here are the Cliff Notes:

• You must have a terminal diagnosis with six months or less to live

• You must have full mental capacity

But there’s a big problem with this “choice". With dementia, no one can predict when you’ll die. And by the time you’re close, you no longer have the capacity to choose.

So where does that leave people? And who gets to decide what “quality of life” or “living” means?

Erica and John had talked about this long before his diagnosis. They knew where they stood. They knew what they didn’t want. And still… when the moment came, it wasn’t theoretical anymore.

They explored options that didn’t exist. They had conversations that most couples never imagine having. And eventually, they found a path that led them to Switzerland, where laws around dignity in dying look very different.

This isn’t a story about advocacy for one choice over another. It’s a story about love, autonomy, and responsibility. But also the weight of deciding what no one prepares you for.

How do you support someone’s choice…when it breaks your heart?

How do you honor love when it asks something unimaginable of you?

At one point, Erica shared something I didn’t expect. Even after honoring her husband’s wishes… even after planning and following through on his request, she still questioned herself and the choice. That’s the part we don’t talk about enough. The after. The grief.

Or as Erica shared during our conversation:

Grief is simply having love with nowhere to put it.

This might be the most deeply human and thought-provoking topic we’ve covered on HIListically Speaking. And for a podcast that focuses on mental health and ways to be kind to your mind, that says a lot. And let me be clear, covering this topic does not mean I’m advocating for the assisted end-of-life option. It’s just an opportunity to consider all the choices and, most importantly, ask yourself,

Have I had these conversations with the people I love?

And if not… why?

Because whether we like it or not… these are conversations many of us will face someday. Around dementia, Alzheimer’s, caregiving, and the end of our lives.
Avoiding them doesn’t make them easier. It just makes them lonelier.

But here are a few takeaways you can expect to reflect on:

1. The “Dementia Catch-22” is real.
The systems meant to offer choice don’t always account for diseases that take away the ability to choose.

2. Love doesn’t make hard decisions easier.
Supporting someone’s wishes can still come with doubt, grief, and second-guessing.

3. The conversations we avoid are often the ones we need most.
Talking about end-of-life doesn’t invite it in…it creates clarity, connection, and understanding.

If this stirred something in you, I invite you to tune into Episode 209 on HIListically Speaking when we ask that uncomfortable question:

Do you have the right to die?

Tune in Now

Choice is powerful. But so is connection. And nothing connects the human spirit more than safety. Safety with the people we love, our surroundings, and a knowing that whatever comes next, we’re in good hands. There’s no one right way to navigate something like this. Only what feels aligned for you, your values, and your love.

If this brought something up for you, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Leave a comment

These are the conversations that matter. And you don’t have to have them alone.

HUGS!

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Subscribe now

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

🪩 Ask me a question or suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

📣 Let your voice be heard. Record a voice message on Speakpipe, and it may be shared on the podcast.

Coachella isn’t my jam. I’m a woman in midlife. I’ve already been to my fair share of music and art festivals that had me camping with 10,000 of my closest friends. So, I won’t bore you with my Woodstock 25th reunion pictures from 1994. And while the massive, two-weekend annual event in California didn’t interest me personally, what happened after Coachella did.

The internet exploded following Justin Bieber’s performance. He didn’t do anything shocking or inappropriate. If anything, he showed us the human behind the healing.

Instead of the high-production, choreography-heavy headliner set expected at Coachella, Bieber did almost the opposite. He delivered a minimal, low-energy performance with very little staging or spectacle. This immediately divided viewers online.

But the moment that really went viral happened when he pulled out his laptop on stage and started playing his own music videos from his early days on YouTube. Then he took it one step further…he sang along. Bieber dueted with his younger self, and that struck a chord. No pun intended.

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Some fans thought it was nostalgic and symbolic, saying he was “revisiting” the YouTube platform that made him famous. Others mocked it, sharing that for a major headliner who’s getting paid millions of dollars, his “Coachella meets karaoke” spectacle was “lazy” and “disappointing.”

On top of that, Bieber’s overall vibe was quiet, introspective, and less engaged with the crowd. Not the usual Coachella energy, which made the contrast even more jarring and meme-worthy online.

But that’s not what I saw. I spent time going down the rabbit hole on this one. Because I knew something about Bieber’s mental health journey that many did not. And after doom-scrolling through copious social media posts, I understood who I was watching. This was not a performer trying to pull one over on the public that gave him a platform. This was a man with a regulated nervous system, who had done the work and was now embracing the next chapter of his life.

Is the public ready? Yes and no. Depends on who you ask and who’s paying attention. Because this isn’t the first time we’ve seen a shift.
⁣
Bieber has openly admitted that life as a child star hasn’t been easy. His career unfolded under an intense, often unforgiving spotlight, and that pressure has taken a visible toll both mentally and physically. Rising to fame as a teenager, he faced relentless public scrutiny, invasive media attention, and the destabilizing effects of early celebrity, which contributed to anxiety, depression, and periods of burnout. In later years, he spoke openly about emotional exhaustion and the need to step back from touring to protect his mental health. Physically, he has also dealt with serious conditions, including Lyme disease and Ramsay Hunt syndrome, the latter temporarily paralyzing part of his face and forcing him to cancel performances. Together, these struggles illustrate the cumulative strain of sustaining global fame while trying to maintain personal well-being.

In interviews and his documentary series Justin Bieber: Seasons, he described feeling like his identity was shaped by others’ expectations and admitted that, as a teenager, he didn’t fully understand or control the business decisions being made about his life. He has also alluded to being exposed too quickly to adult environments like fame, wealth, and access, without the emotional tools to navigate them.

And then there was Episode 9, where he shared a technique that helped him find center when he got off track, a technique I use in my own practice and train others to use as well.

Justin Bieber was using Self-Havening. A neuroscience-based psychosenosory technique that can be self-applied to self-soothe and self-regulate when he feels emotionally tapped.

In Sessions, Bieber didn’t hold back. In fact, he was pretty open about the state of his mental health and how being a public figure doesn’t mean he’s less human.

When talking about the public and the internet, he said, “They don’t permit me to be upset. I’m just emotional, and I think that’s OK.”

Were people listening back in 2020 when he shared these concerns in Seasons? ⁣If they weren’t paying attention then, they certainly are now.

After seeing the internet go wild over his performance, I decided to revisit that episode and post an important moment from it on Instagram and YouTube.
I had seen it many times before. After all, when a celebrity endorses the work that you do, you pay attention.

But I had NO IDEA it would go viral when I brought it back to center stage.
And the comments that flooded my feed took it to the next level.

Justin Bieber's Coachella performance showed us the boy he was, the man he has become, and the future he holds.

As a father, a husband, and most importantly, a human being… we’re seeing the shift, and it’s finally on his terms.
⁣
Clearly, he hit a nerve, whether he meant to or not. ⁣

You don’t have to be a Belieber to trust your gut and build a better relationship with your nervous system. You need to be aware and willing to try. Once you’ve got that, anything is possible…including agency, resilience, and growth.

Just ask Justin.

Leave a comment

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!

2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!

3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

🪩 Ask me a question or suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

Parents invest heavily in their children’s futures. We sign them up for school programs, sports teams, tutors, and enrichment classes. We open savings accounts and college funds. We think long-term. We plan. We prepare.

But there’s a deeper issue happening with your kids that you may not even know about. One that has them operating in a chronic state of stress and could lead them to being emotionally overdrawn.

Their schedules are full. Their brains are overstimulated. Their bodies are tired. Add in academic expectations and performance culture with a supersized side of social pressures in a digital age, and we’ve got a real problem if we don’t pay attention. In an environment that requires the next generation to be “on” all the time, it’s no wonder we’re seeing rising anxiety, irritability, shutdown, and overwhelm.

As adults, we’re feeling it too. But there’s a big difference in how a fully developed brain processes information compared to one that’s still a “work in progress.” We’re running on fumes in a nervous system that rarely gets a chance to settle. However, we have a clearer understanding of rational, long-term decision-making. Our kids, on the other hand, face higher impulsivity, intense emotions, and risk-taking. That means their emotional wealth may be the most important investment we can make, and they need us now more than ever.

This isn’t about happiness; it’s about helping them feel safe in their own bodies. It’s about teaching them that emotions don’t always mean emergencies… but they are messages. And what gets measured gets managed. However, if it’s ignored, a deeper debt awaits.

This overdrafting is impacting their internal accounts. Every demand and comparison is another withdrawal. Every rushed morning out the door, and a late-night homework assignment is a depletion. Every unprocessed disappointment taps their think tank dry. With no deposits, the system goes into deficit.

It’s a child melting down over deadlines.
It’s a teenager snapping when asked a simple question.
It’s a stomach ache to get a sick day.
It's perfectionism or procrastination.
And while it looks like “I don’t care”…deep down, they do.

These aren’t children giving you a hard time for no reason. These are nervous systems begging for support.

It’s time we shift the conversation for our kids and teach them how to HUG it Out® with themselves and be kind to their minds.

Imagine what our childhoods would have been like if we understood the true compound interest in life that currency is more than cash. Hopefully, we learned a thing or two as we started adulting. We hope to provide them with a clearer understanding of what it means to live abundantly.

We help them build a relationship with themselves, and something begins to shift. Once a child learns how to notice what’s happening on the inside without judgment, they feel safe. They learn that feelings move through them instead of defining them and begin to build resilience. In other words, they start earning a return on investment in their own lives. It’s what I call discovering the “R.O.I in Y-O-U.” And let me tell you, the micro-investments pay off. They are small, but they are consistent and compound over time.

In my years working with both children and adults on their emotional well-being and as a university professor, I’ve noticed patterns that trickle down from parent to child. And if I’m going to be honest, I’ve had to work on that relationship myself.

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Here are five ways to support a emotional wealthy child that I share in my HUG it Out Method framework. And yes, you can use it too.

First: Co-regulation before correction.
When your child is dysregulated, logic will not land. A calm presence will. Sitting beside them. Lowering your voice. Slowing your own breathing. And if they welcome a gentle touch, offering your hand or a nurturing hug. You are modeling safety in the body. That deposit teaches them what regulation feels like.

Second: Name it to tame it.
When a child hears, “That looks frustrating,” or “I can see you’re disappointed,” their brain begins to organize the experience. Naming emotions helps reduce their intensity. It tells the nervous system, “This makes sense.” You are not minimizing the feeling. You are helping them metabolize it.

Third: Normalize repair.
We all lose our cool. Parents included. And yes…even we aunties, uncles, and godparents have our moments for the child-free and childless in the room. One of the greatest investments you can make is saying, “I’m sorry. I was overwhelmed, and I raised my voice.” Repair teaches children that conflict is survivable and relationships can bend without breaking. That belief alone builds emotional wealth that lasts a lifetime.

Fourth: Protect unstructured time.
Boredom is not the enemy. It is where creativity and nervous system recovery live. A child who has space to daydream, build, draw, or simply “be” is depositing into their internal reserves. Not every hour needs optimization.

Fifth: Teach body awareness.
Ask simple questions. “Where do you feel that in your body?” “Does your chest feel tight?” “Are your shoulders tense?” When kids learn to connect sensations to emotions, they gain agency. They can notice earlier. They can respond sooner. That awareness is powerful currency.

And here’s something that might feel uncomfortable, but is essential.

Your regulation matters more than your lectures.
Children do not learn emotional resilience from what we say in calm moments. They learn it from how we show up in charged ones. If we are constantly depleted, rushing, reacting, multitasking, and snapping, they absorb that as normal. If we pause, breathe, and take responsibility for our own nervous systems, they absorb that too.

You cannot deposit into your child’s emotional account if you’re overdrafting your own. Raising emotionally wealthy kids in a high-pressure world means redefining success. It means understanding that straight A’s with chronic anxiety is not a balanced portfolio. It means recognizing that confidence is not built from constant praise but from surviving hard moments with support and coming out the other side intact.

Let me give you an example.

A child fails a test. One approach is problem-solving immediately. “You need to study more. Let’s get a tutor.” That may be necessary later. But first, the emotional deposit. “That’s disappointing. I know you worked hard.” Sit in it. Let them feel it. When the nervous system settles, then you talk strategy.

Another example.

Your teenager is overwhelmed with activities and starts shutting down. Instead of pushing harder, you sit down together and audit the schedule. Where are the withdrawals? Where can we create breathing room? You are teaching them that capacity matters. That rest is not weakness. Self-awareness is a strength.

Over time, these micro-investments are like compound interest. A child who knows how to pause before reacting becomes an adult who can navigate conflict without imploding. A child who learns to identify emotions becomes an adult who can make decisions without being hijacked by them. A child who experiences repair becomes an adult who does not fear vulnerability. That is emotional wealth.

And here’s the most important piece. We are not raising children to avoid pain. We are raising them to have a relationship with themselves when pain shows up. Resilience is not the absence of struggle. It is the confidence that “I can feel this and still be okay.”

When kids learn that they are not broken for feeling big emotions, understand that their nervous system can reset, and experience safety in connection with you, they internalize that safety. Eventually, they become their own source of it. That is the real return on investment. Not perfection. Not performance. Not constant happiness. But a child who grows into an adult who knows how to come home to themselves.

In a culture that measures worth by output, raising emotionally wealthy kids is a quiet act of leadership. It asks us to slow down, look inward, and invest in what cannot be put on a resume. Instead, it determines how that resume is lived.

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About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

🪩 Ask me a question or suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

Have you ever considered that the reason you’re feeling stuck is not what you think? Up until now, you believed it was because you hadn’t found the right answers, but could it be that you were given too many?

Let that sit for a moment.

We are living in a time of constant input and information overload. Advice. Strategies. Frameworks. Experts and self-proclaimed gurus have been telling you how to fix, grow, optimize, and improve. But many leave one element out of the equation…YOU. And while you might find value in what some of them share, if you’re not too careful, it can quietly pull you away from something essential:

Your own inner knowing.

That’s exactly what we explore on Episode 208 of the HIListically Speaking podcast episode with the author of . Laurie has been studying the habit of flow and creativity for years. And yes, she’s an expert. She’s done the research. But what I love about Laurie and why we truly vibe is that we both have a process designed to support others so that they can support themselves. No gatekeepers here. We actually talked about The Flow Habit vs the HUG it Out® Method during our conversation.

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In this conversation, we unpack:

• Why “feeling stuck” is often a signal and not a setback.

• How too much information can actually take away your agency.

• The science behind autonomy and intrinsic motivation (and why they matter more than willpower).

• How even the most mundane tasks can become meaningful when you shift how you engage with them.

• Why small, consistent moments (not big leaps) are what truly create change

  
  And one of my favorite parts…
  

• How reconnecting with your spark (yes, that thing you felt so naturally as a kid) is the doorway back to flow

Here’s what I want you to sit with…

You don’t need to overhaul your life to feel better. You just need a moment. One that is yours and yours alone. When you start there, everything begins to shift.

Want to go deeper?

This episode with Laurie Smith is one of those conversations that will gently bring you back to yourself, without the pressure or the overwhelm. It’s a reminder that what you’re doing is part of your own design and flow.

Grab your headphones and get in the flow on any podcast platform or YouTube.

Tune In and Get in Flow Now!

Where in your life are you overthinking… instead of flowing? Give this episode a moment of your time and share your thoughts in the comments.

HUGS!

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Subscribe now

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

🪩 Ask me a question or suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said these words out loud or to myself.

What if?

The problem doesn’t lie in the words alone. It’s what follows that makes the difference.

What if I fail?
What if it’s not good enough?
What if they don’t agree?

The “what if “ list goes on and on. In fact, I was so used to using these words on the Negative Nelly train that my dad used to have a nickname for me when I was a kid. He jokingly called me a “Worry Wort,” and he wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful; we just didn’t understand the WHY behind the “Why?”

Not just my why, but yours too.

You’ve likely been down this road too. In fact, I can almost guarantee you have, and the reason is rooted in neuroscience. But, before you give up and bury your head in the sand of shame for going down the rabbit hole of negativity, this is actually a good thing on two separate grounds.

First, your brain is actually doing its job. Second, your awareness and a reminder: you can flip the switch on a process that is tied to something called the negativity bias.

So, why do we “What if” the negative?

Our brain is hard-wired for survival, not happiness. If everything were sunshine and rainbows 24-7, we would have attempted to adopt the Saber Toothed Tiger years ago, and that, my friend, would have ended humanity. Thankfully, we didn’t attempt to call “Here Kitty Kitty” during the Pleistocene Epoch period on the planet. Somehow, our Limbic System, the oldest part of the brain, knew better.

The mind constantly scans for potential threats. This bias gives more weight to possible dangers than positive outcomes because, evolutionarily, spotting what could go wrong kept us alive.

When you ask “what if,” your brain is trying to predict and control uncertainty. And I know how much you hate uncertainty. Me too. While my father called me a “Worry Wort” when my nervous system was all amuck, my mom would say, “Hilary! You want what you want when you want it!”

Um. Don’t you? A looking glass of what lies ahead wouldn’t suck.

It wasn’t until much later in life that I realized (and still have to remind myself) that not everything on our agenda is meant to come our way exactly how we choose it to happen. Sometimes letting go is better, and the outcomes are even better than we planned. I took a deep dive into this topic on Substack after an
eye-opening conversation on the HIListically Speaking Podcast.

This is about the language we use and choose to practice a new dialogue for nervous system safety and resilience. It is engaging in a form of mental rehearsal, searching for safety. But without resolution, it activates stress pathways and reinforces fear loops. The subconscious doesn’t distinguish well between imagined and real threats, so negative “what ifs” can trigger the same physiological response as actual danger.

We go to the negative first, not because we’re pessimistic, but because the nervous system prioritizes protection. The challenge (and the work) is gently retraining the brain to balance that instinct with possibility, not just probability.

High achievers and performers don’t get anywhere by staying stuck in safety mode. Even when our inner alarm system keeps telling us, “Yo! Don’t go there. It’s scary on the other side.”

Is it? Or is it that you just want answers?

Oh? You want what you want when you want it, too? Join the club.

All of those negative moments might sound like:
What if I write the book and it doesn’t sell?
What if I can’t pass the test?
What if I’m not smart enough to get the job?

But you know what builds agency and resilience? Turning the words around and sitting with THAT feeling. Have you ever tried that approach? I shared more about it in one of my posts last year, and it was powerful.

Instead of What if
I am NOT, I CAN’T, I DON’T, I WON’T, I SHOULDN’T, or I WOULDN’T… how about giving the opposite the old college try and try it on for size?

What IF you try something different? What if you challenge yourself? What if you’re brave? Because that Woulda, coulda, shoulda, Prada game you’ve been playing all this time isn’t doing you any favors except keeping you on the Wheel of Repetition. In a nutshell… nothing changes if nothing changes.

So, I invite you to try a HUG it Out® Hack I use a lot with my clients and even myself when the Negative Nelly or Ned starts creeping in.

1. Make a list of the negative “What If” statements you keep telling yourself.

2. Think about how each statement makes you feel.

3. Then find the opposite word and create a new statement. This might feel uncomfortable. But remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
   
   What if I don’t finish the project?
   BECOMES
   What if I challenge myself with one small task to move the project forward?
   

4. Now, think about how each new statement feels.

5. Sit with that feeling and visualize the outcome that comes with it.

Are you ready to give it a try? I’d love to know once you do!

Leave a comment

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Subscribe now

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

🪩 Ask me a question or suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

I didn’t know what to expect when I said “yes” to a charity pickleball tournament. The magazine I write for was sponsoring the event, and my first thought was that it was a workout for a good cause. Count me in.

But what happened off the courts that Sunday afternoon was more impactful than any tournament trophy. Not that I had to worry about that. My team was annihilated in the third round.

After the tournament, participants made their way to the end of the courts. This wasn’t to celebrate the game's winners but rather to honor the dignity of a child. Thousands, actually. Many have said these words.

”My life fits in a trash bag.”

Every day in the United States, 740 children enter foster care. That’s one child every two minutes. And on any given day, more than 390,000 children are in the system. Many are removed from their homes with nothing but the clothes on their backs. And if they do have belongings, they’re often handed a trash bag.

Pause for a second and let that sink in.

A TRASH BAG.

Not a suitcase. Not a backpack. Not something that says, “You matter.”

A bag that says, “This is all you get.”

The same type of bag you use to discard things that have no value. Trash.

A bag Rob Scheer received when he moved from home to home as one of those kids stuck in the system. But this day on the courts was nothing new for Rob. He’s been out of the system for close to 40 years and has turned his pain into purpose with a mission to change lives.

Long tables were covered with hundreds of brand-new backpacks and personal items to fill them. Cozy pajamas, stuffed animals, and blankets. Books and toiletries. And a feeling of safety, belonging, and most of all, dignity.

This isn’t exactly the place you think you will meet someone who will shift your perspective on humanity. But there he was, bigger than life, toting a trash bag with a passionate presence that filled the room. The kind of energy you feel before you fully understand it.

At the time, I didn’t know much about Comfort Cases or its founder, Rob Scheer. But after hearing his personal foster care story and how it led to him building his organization over a decade ago, I wanted to know more. This isn’t just a charity; this is a lived experience being turned into a global movement for our children.

I approached Rob that day because I, too, had a mission. I told him about a yearly event I participate in called Podcasthon every March. This is a global podcast movement where thousands of podcasters around the world choose a charity to highlight on their show. No ads. No fundraising pressure. Just stories that matter. I wanted Comfort Cases to be that charity. Rob didn’t think twice.

On Episode 207 of the HIListically Speaking Podcast, you’ll hear Rob’s story of life in the foster care system and how he used it to redefine what dignity looks like for hundreds and thousands of children…including the five he and his husband adopted.

Tune in now to HIListically Speaking

This is more than just giving kids a bag of belongings; it’s providing an opportunity to let a child know they have value and they matter. Because the statistics on the “shattered system,” as Rob calls it, don’t look promising if we sit back and do nothing.

• 30% of youth in foster care suffer from PTSD.
  (That’s higher than many combat veteran populations.)

• 60% of child sex trafficking victims have spent time in foster care

• Only 54% graduate from high school

• Around 23,000 young people age out of the system every year without a permanent family…just like Rob.

This isn’t just about foster care

It’s about how we show up for each other. It’s about the moments where we don’t look away. In my conversation with Rob, something he said hit me hard:

“Kids in foster care aren’t bad kids. They’re kids who had something happen to them.”

Let that land.

How often do we label instead of listen? Pass judgment instead of lend a hand? Is this our idea of inclusivity? Rob talks about something we’ve lost along the way:
the idea of being a neighbor.

Checking in.
Showing up.
Caring without needing a reason.

Many children enter foster care not just because of abuse, but because of poverty, labeled as neglect. And sometimes, the difference between staying together and being separated…is someone simply asking, “How can I help?”

Why I’m sharing this with you

Because this is what HIListically Speaking is about.

It’s not just about healing ourselves. It’s about understanding how our healing connects to others. It’s recognizing that when we “HUG it Out” (with Humor, Understanding, and Gratitude), we create space not just for our own growth, but for collective change.

And sometimes, that starts with seeing something we can’t unsee and giving something small, be it time or a backpack, that can make a big impact in someone else’s world.

You can tune in now on your favorite podcast platform, YouTube, or on the Podcasthon website, where you can find out more about this cause or one close to your heart.

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years of working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulness movement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Subscribe now

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, moved, and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

🪩 Ask me a question or suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

I didn’t set out to become a sleep health advocate. But like millions of others, the healthcare system failed me. At an early age, I found myself caught up in a system that treats numbers and not people.

I’ve lived with disrupted sleep for years, long before sleep health was a trending, self-help topic or another nightly wellness hack. When I was 15. And after four years of braces, countless retainers (lost), and continuous discomfort from devices, I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I said “yes” to major reconstructive Temporomandibular Joint (TMJ) surgery to relieve the pain and positioning that was running my life.

T-M-J. More like, O-M-G because it sucked royally. My jaw was wired shut for eight weeks. I imagine my mom was happy. But the healing hurt. The one respite I had? I got to skip school for two months and had a close relationship with the blender. I pureed EVERYTHING, including brownies for thicker milkshakes.

Eight weeks to recoup? I can do this. It was no holiday though. The discomfort was intense at times. And the facial disformity was like something out of a Twilight Zone episode. I wasn’t exactly screaming Prom Queen during that time.
And while my healing process was right on the mark, no one knew the path ahead. Especially me. I didn’t know that this choice to have surgery, the one I thought would solve my severe underbite problem and jaw pain, would haunt me for years to come. That life-altering decision shifted my airway structure in ways I didn’t understand until adulthood.

At the time, it seemed like the best choice, and following surgery, my bite was perfect…until it wasn’t. No rehabilitation and no follow-up. Just “big smiles” and go on your merry way. And then it started. A slow relapse that started to create a small gap in my bite. I also found myself breathing through my mouth… a lot. Darth Vader had nothing on me.

So, after years of struggling with snoring and difficulty breathing, I decided to get a sleep study. I figured, what gets measured gets managed. Answers will help. The doctor, on the other hand. Not so much.

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.
Why My Sleep Doctor Got It Wrong And Why That Matters

When I first completed my sleep study, I received a voicemail with the results.
The doctor diagnosed me with moderate obstructive sleep apnea (OSA), a condition that causes my airway to collapse repeatedly during sleep. Basically, I stop breathing. He offered no exploration of why my airway was compromised. There was no assessment, no discussion of jaw history or my surgery, no nervous system context, just an isolated number and a checkbox that said “CPAP.”

Thanks, Doc.

He failed to ask me about my emotional connection to devices or to refer me to someone who focuses on airway health and integrative approaches. I was done.

That moment sent me on a new path: to learn, to connect dots, and to advocate for my own body. As a trauma-informed, certified holistic health coach and holistic mental health practitioner, I was appalled (but not surprised) that this is how it went down. So, I put my energy into finding solutions and started building my airway health army.

I had holistic dentists and sleep experts on the HIListically Speaking Podcast, I attended integrative health workshops, and I found doctors who listen and ask questions instead of medically gaslighting me into believing they knew my body and brain better than I do.

That journey didn’t just teach me about airways and sleep studies; it taught me the power of being your own health care advocate in a sick care system. Every person’s story is personal, and their healing journey is not some cookie-cutter fit with another box checked off.

But there’s a truth bomb most clinicians overlook. Sleep isn’t just comfort, it’s biological restoration, emotional regulation, and cognitive survival.

The Global Health Epidemic Is Costing Us More Than We Think

Sleep deprivation isn’t just about feeling tired or those mid afternoon yawns, it’s a macroeconomic and public health crisis.

According to a Harvard study analyzing data from the National Sleep Institute, the economic cost of poor sleep in the U.S. from lost productivity, medical expenses, accidents, and chronic disease has been estimated at $280–$411 billion annually. People with untreated sleep disorders can incur more than $7,000 more in health costs per year, and sleep issues account for millions of lost workdays.

According to rigorous studies and meta-analysis published on PubMed, the backbone of clinical research, the personal toll goes deeper than dollars.

• Chronic poor sleep increases risks for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and obesity.

• Sleep disruption alters memory, decision-making, emotional regulation, and resilience.

• Sleep disorders are increasingly linked to cognitive decline and dementia, including Alzheimer’s disease.

In a large meta-study, people with obstructive sleep apnea had up to a 43–45% increased risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia compared to those without sleep apnea. Multiple systematic reviews show a consistent association between sleep-disordered breathing and cognitive decline, including Alzheimer’s disease risk.

Sleep by the Numbers: The Latest Evidence

According to the 2025 National Sleep Foundation Sleep in America® Poll:

• 60% of adults are not getting the recommended amount of regular sleep.

• Over two-thirds report difficulty falling asleep (68%) or staying asleep (70%).

• 50% of adults receive an overall “F” on sleep satisfaction.

In other words, poor sleep isn’t rare it’s now the norm.

Airway Health Is Whole-Body Health

Your nasal passages, tongue posture, jaw alignment, and autonomic nervous system all communicate with one another. A narrow airway doesn’t just make sleep noisy; it alters oxygen flow, brain function, and stress hormones throughout the night.

The Right Support Changes the Conversation

Where many physicians see a sleep score, airway-focused dentists and myofunctional (airway health) therapists see structure and function and can assess:

• mandibular positioning

• tongue posture

• bite alignment

• habits like mouth breathing, all of which can contribute to airway collapse.

This isn’t cosmetic, it’s respiratory empowerment.

Self-Regulation Puts Your Health in Your Hands

Sleep quality is biological and behavioral. Tools that help regulate your nervous system can make a measurable difference. In addition to the right integrative and functional medicine professionals, these methods don’t replace medical care; they complement it, building safety and psychological resilience around sleep.

1. Breathwork
Slowing down before bed isn’t woo-woo; it’s neurologically sound. Deep diaphragmatic breathing lowers sympathetic (fight-or-flight) activity and invites parasympathetic rest. Practices like 4-7-8 and box breathing, or even simple body awareness, calm the nervous system.

2. Consistent Sleep Hygiene
Routine matters. Going to bed and waking up at the same time, limiting screens before bedtime, and keeping your bedroom cool and calm regulate your body’s internal clock.

3. Get Grounded
One of our biggest enemies is manmade radiation, and it’s all around you. But you have the power to limit the impact on your health. Turning off your WiFi or using reputable grounding sheets and electromagnetic frequency (EMF) blockers can help you sleep more deeply.

4. Be Kind to Your Mind
Guided relaxation techniques reduce muscle tension, especially critical if you clench or grind. Grinding is a common occurrence when the body is unconsciously trying to keep the airway open. As a certified Havening Techniques Practitioner and Trainer, Self-Havening became my go-to when everyday upsets occur and definitely before bedtime. Havening is a neuroscience-based approach that uses touch and positive thoughts/distractions to rewire the brain. It can be self-applied to self-regulate and self-soothe. This technique produces more delta “sleep state” brain waves while releasing neurochemicals aligned with safety, rest, and repair.

Clients who incorporate Self-Havening before sleep often report:

• Falling asleep faster,

• Fewer nighttime awakenings,

• Deeper, more restorative rest, because they’re addressing the nervous system, not just the mattress.

If you are interested in giving it a try, join me during this relaxing five-minute, guided “Self-Havening for Sleep” video.

Rest is not weakness, it’s wisdom.

Sleep isn’t something to power through, outsource, or ignore until it breaks us. It’s a conversation our body is having with us every single night. These methods don’t replace medical care; they complement it, building safety and psychological resilience around restorative health. When we stop treating sleep as a luxury and start honoring it as essential to healthy living, we reclaim not just our nights, but our clarity, resilience, and long-term brain health.

How is your relationship with sleep? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Leave a comment

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years working as a TV anchor/reporter, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulnessmovement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post so more Substackers can find it!
2. Comment with a thoughtful response. I respond!
3. Restack and pay it forward if you’re touched, move and inspired.

Let’s Connect:

🙌 Let’s HUG it Out on Instagram or LinkedIn.

🪩 Ask me a question or suggest a podcast topic for HIListically Speaking

Let me ask you something. When stress shows up (and let’s be honest, it DOES show up), do you feel like you’re managing it or it’s managing you?

Let that marinate for a second.

Many of us feel like we need to fix something when stressful moments arrive. But here’s the hardcore fact, my friend. Assuming you need to be fixed means you believe you’re broken. You’re not. Your nervous system is likely exhausted.

Most of us grew up in an age when we never really learned how to release stress, only how to push through it. It’s an uphill climb with no end in sight. We watched our parents power through it, and generations before them did too. We noticed people experiencing different responses and reactions. Either they acted out or kept their upsets to themselves. Neither option is optimal. A kettle still boils at some point if the temperature continues to rise.

Terms like “nervous system regulation” and “somatic healing” weren’t used in everyday conversation when I was a kid. And talking about going to therapy was considered taboo. You just didn’t share that with others.

You were more likely to hear about your mother’s hysterectomy before discussing her breakdown. And if you had a friend or family member who served in the military, there was no room for weakness or talking it out.

Mental health was meant for private conversations between you and your therapist. You, a couch, and some Freudian-looking chap with his pad and pen, asking you about your feelings. Constant talk with an occasional tool or technique to apply in the session. Sixty minutes, done. Resolution, none. See you next week. Rinse and repeat.

As a former military wife, some topics were just off the table during my marriage. You just didn’t “go there.” So, I didn’t. But, I always wondered…what if I did? Quietly, I kept my worries to myself. If only there were a safe space for more feeling, expressing, and regulating, would the experience have been different? Who knows.

And then there was my story. I was a television journalist who saw far too much before the age of 30 and questioned my own well-being. At the time, I didn’t know what secondary traumatic stress was, but I was clearly exposed to it often. I barely understood what was causing my emotions to feel like a 24-hour roller coaster ride with Sybil at the switch. Once I took a deeper dive and decided to start talking about it, something shifted. I shared more about that experience in my 9/11 post on Substack.

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I often say that life is a “falling into”. I never imagined my years working in the media and living the military life would push me into the field of mental health. But it did, and I’m better for it. Over the years, I’ve seen how conversations are changing. We share openly on platforms like this one. Words like “burnout”, “overwhelm, “trauma”, and “stress” are not uncommon and find their way into everyday communication. We’re not just talking about our feelings or emotions; we’re building relationships with the stories behind them and the healing process.

This is good news. But we are forever “works in progress.” That takes us back to those original questions of who is managing whom?

There’s so much noise swirling around us in this turbulent world right now. We need supportive and trusted communities. But we also need to find that within ourselves. A strong foundation that reminds our nervous system we are safe, and some of what we witness and hear is not happening to us but rather around us. That’s the big difference. The brain and body don’t know this, and that’s why building a partnership with ourselves is not something we can do; it’s something we MUST do.

As the host of the globally top-rated podcast HIListcially Speaking, I’ve been having conversations with leaders in the field of trauma, neuroscience, spirituality, and holistic health and wellness for over six years now. Each episode is like a master class in ways to be kind to your mind, body, and spirit. Episode 206 with Brett Cotter is a perfect example.

An award-winning author and founder of Stress Is Gone, Brett has 25 years of experience leading retreats, coaching clients, and guiding meditation. He leads programs for New York State, the Veterans Association, and Fortune 500 companies. His journey began when he learned that millions of veterans were being denied the care they needed. But was this Pandora’s Box of Post-Traumatic Stress one he wanted to open? When he thought of his dad, a former Marine, the answer was a simple “yes.”
When we’re triggered, at some point, stress stops being a response and starts becoming an identity. We’re wired for safety. And when that wiring goes unchecked long enough, your nervous system starts to believe that survival mode is your baseline. Your battle zone becomes your comfort zone.

Both Brett and I have witnessed this firsthand with the communities we serve. These are the veterans, first responders, and trauma survivors who are trained to override their stress responses to function. And it works, for a while. Until it doesn’t.

But it doesn’t end there. Let’s bring this closer to home. Teachers. Caregivers. Therapists. Parents. High-functioning women who hold everything together and quietly fall apart in the car.

Sound familiar?

We ignore, push through, and tell ourselves everything is “fine” until our bodies disagree.

What I appreciated about this conversation is that we were not talking about fixing, diagnosing, labeling, or pathologizing stress. Instead, we’re understanding that stress is also energy that just hasn’t completed its cycle.

Your body doesn’t store trauma because it’s dramatic.
Your body stores trauma because it didn’t feel safe enough to release it.

So when we talk about calming the nervous system, whether through breath, movement, experiential techniques like Havening, emotional release work, or simply being witnessed, we’re not trying to become someone new. What we’re trying to do is return to who we were before survival became our comfort zone.

And here’s the reframe I want you to sit with:

Stress isn’t proof that you’re weak. It’s proof that something mattered.
But staying there? Living there? Letting it run your life? That’s a different story. It’s also a choice. You have the ability to step into stress and take back control.

One way to do that is to join us on this episode of the HIListically Speaking Podcast.
Brett creates such a beautiful and safe space that was not only touching, but inspiring.

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When has stress quietly taken the driver’s seat and how did you take it back?

HUGS Always!

About the Author:

Hello, Sunshines! I’m Hilary, your Chief of HUGs, Oxytocin Dealer, and the heart and soul behind The Brain Candy Blueprint. A New Yorker with lots of moxie mixed with a side of southern charm. After years on the TV anchor desk, I turned my focus to health and wellness. I’m now a trauma-informed holistic practitioner, podcaster, and health journalist focusing on resilience, emotional intelligence, and holistic healing. I created the HUG It Out® Method, a mindfulnessmovement that incorporates storytelling, experiential tools, and neuroscience-based techniques like Havening® to regulate the nervous system and be kind to the mind. And yes…I’m writing the book! I’m here to share what it takes to be a happy and healthy grown-up. I’m so glad you’re here.

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I’ve been a doodler my entire life. Journals, textbook covers, walls, t-shirts, and countless pairs of jeans have fallen prey to my Sharpies. Somewhere in my mom’s basement, there’s a gallery full of boxes that never quite made it to the Museum of Modern Art.

I come from an artistic family on my mother’s side. My grandmother, mother, and aunt doodled on every napkin in front of them. Some pieces were bigger and graced larger canvases. Their work… incredible. It was as if each of them took masterclasses taught by Kandinsky, Picasso, and Haring in one sitting. Growing up, the walls of my home were surrounded by colorful palettes of family artwork. And the talent trickled down. My brother, David, is a world-renowned artist often referred to as the modern-day M.C. Escher.

And then there was me…the girl with the Sharpie.

The Quiet Shift I Didn’t Have Words For

If I’m honest, my heart leaned toward the stage. The mic. The spotlight. Performing was my first language.

But give me a pen and a blank page, and something shifted. The noise softened.
My shoulders dropped. Time bent in that strange, delicious way where you forget to check your phone.

I wasn’t analyzing. I wasn’t trying to be good. I was just there, being present.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that I wasn’t just “being creative.” I was regulating.

Every repetitive line. Every swirl. Every unconscious pattern was helping my nervous system settle. My brain was shifting out of hypervigilance and into focus. Without knowing it, I was practicing self-directed neuroplasticity with a Sharpie.

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When Curiosity Meets Neuroscience

Once I understood that art was doing something tangible to my brain, I had to dig deeper. That curiosity led me back to someone I’d admired for years: internationally respected author, artist, educator, spiritual intuitive, medium, and oracle expert

When I learned she was exploring neuroart and manifestation in a deeper way, I signed up for her workshop. And within minutes, I knew this link between the pen and paper had meaning. It wasn’t bypassing. It was a meeting between brain science and intentional creativity.

That experience led to Episode 205 of HIListically Speaking Podcast to discuss her newest book, The Art of Manifesting (co-authored with Anna Denning).

And it asks a deceptively simple question:

What if the way you shift your life… starts with a blank page?

Manifestation Without the Grip

In our conversation, we talked about something I think is missing from a lot of the manifestation narrative. It’s not about control, forcing outcomes, or even bypassing reality. It’s about regulation first.

When you intentionally engage in repetitive, mindful line work, you calm the amygdala. You move out of survival mode. You access creativity and intuition from a regulated state instead of a reactive one.

From there, something powerful happens. You stop rehearsing fear and open yourself up to possibility.

Colette calls it creating from “stupefied gratitude.” That embodied awe you feel when you hold a newborn, rescue a dog, or stand in a moment that makes you whisper, “wow.”

When you create from that state, your brain encodes possibilities differently.

The Zone of Synchronicity

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was her concept of the “zone of synchronicity.” Instead of manifesting with a tight grip, you leave space.

A border allowing room for something better than your original plan.

From a neuroscience perspective, that openness matters. A rigid brain scans for threat and confirmation bias. A regulated brain scans for opportunity and connection. In other words, synchronicity isn’t magic; it’s an awareness meeting readiness.

Art Is Human Technology

If you’ve been feeling overstimulated, exhausted, or stuck in your own mental loops, consider this your permission slip. And remember this:

You don’t need to be an artist. You don’t need it to be “good.” You just need paper and a pen and a reminder that art isn’t a luxury, it’s human technology…for hope, regulation, and rewiring. And sometimes healing really does begin with a Sharpie.

Tune Into the Conversation

Join Colette and me on Episode 205 of HIListically Speaking. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, or watch the full episode on YouTube.

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Your Chief of HUGS,

Some would say my bathroom mirror looks like a billboard in Times Square. Instead of standing in the middle of Manhattan’s busiest intersection, flooded with messages about products, performances, and pop culture, the communication received in my humble abode is personal and directed towards an audience of one. Yours truly. Love notes and positive affirmations for me, from me.

“I love you.”
”You’re sweeter than cookie dough.”
”Hello, Sunshine.”
”Just another day to be amazing.”

These intentional acts of love and kindness are essential for my well-being. But it’s not because words of affirmation are my love language, or I don’t hear them often enough from others. Quite the contrary, I have love all around me, and I’m grateful. What I’m talking about is self-love. Deliberate hand-on-heart moments between me and my nervous system. A gentle reminder, as I’m brushing my teeth, that says, “I’ve got you.”

There’s something really powerful about looking at yourself in the mirror, uttering those words. Any positive verbal cues, actually. We spend way too much time going down the rabbit hole when things don’t go our way. We blame ourselves and are unkind to our minds. It’s not pretty. The negativity bias is no joke, but this isn’t our fault. Our brains are wired for safety, and accolades can feel uncomfortable to a dysregulated nervous system.

Neuroscience tells us the brain is always listening, processing, and protecting. And the words you use on yourself are not neutral. They are neurochemical. Yet for some reason, we continue to be our own worst bully on the playground.

But what if we flip the switch?

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Research in social neuroscience, particularly the work of Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA, shows that labeling emotions and using compassionate internal language reduces amygdala activation…your brain’s alarm system. It also increases activity in the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for regulation, decision-making, and perspective. In other words, kind self-talk literally turns the volume down on stress.

When it comes to self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff’s research has found that when we speak to ourselves with warmth instead of criticism, we lower cortisol (the stress hormone). We also increase heart rate variability, a key marker of resilience and emotional flexibility.

And here’s where it gets even more fascinating.

When you place your hand on your heart and say something like “I love you” or “I’ve got you,” you stimulate the vagus nerve. Try humming or singing the words to take it to the next level. Feelings of anxiousness diminish. That gentle touch and loving language can increase oxytocin, the love/hug hormone. This is the same one released during connection with others. Oxytocin promotes feelings of safety, trust, and calm, while quieting the threat response.

In other words, when you speak to yourself with loving awareness, you become your own oxytocin dealer and bond with the person in the mirror.

Functional MRI studies also show that positive self-referential processing activates the brain’s reward circuitry, including areas associated with dopamine release. When self-talk shifts from self-attack to self-support, the brain experiences it as a form of internal social connection. And connection regulates.

Now let’s be clear. This isn’t about bypassing hard feelings or pretending everything is hunky-dory. It’s about changing the tone of the relationship you have with your brain and your body while you move through those feelings.

Because here’s the truth: your nervous system doesn’t just respond to what happens to you. It responds to how you interpret what happens to you. The story. The commentary. The voice.

If that voice is harsh, dismissive, or chronically critical, your body stays braced.

If that voice is steady, compassionate, and loving, your body softens.

And over time, repeated positive self-talk strengthens neural pathways associated with emotional regulation. This is neuroplasticity in action. The brain changes based on what we repeatedly practice.

Think about the last time you were in a kerfuffle with another human being. You may decide “let’s agree to disagree” to make peace and move on. But when it comes to the person in the mirror, you aren’t as forgiving. Think about it. When was the last time you consciously chose to HUG it Out with yourself and make amends with your own mind?

What if we treated ourselves like a Disney character? Hear me out on this one.
There’s an unwritten rule at Disney parks. When a child hugs a character performer, they won’t break the embrace first. It’s up to the child to let go. Imagine if we gave ourselves that kind of grace.

More of that kind of energy, please.

Change takes time, and standing in the tension of uncertainty can be uncomfortable at first. But I challenge you to be your own oxytocin dealer and practice self-compassion like your life depends on it. Your thoughts and words have power. But so does that person in the mirror. Treat that human with kindness, compassion, and love. And while you’re at it, buy yourself some sticky notes. There’s a mirror that needs a makeover.

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BONUS BRAIN CANDY!
💛 Join me for my next online Havening Happy Hour and be kind to your mind.
💛 Tune into the HIListically Speaking Podcast for 11 Self-Love Steps to HUG it Out with Yourself Right Now!

I’ve spent hours in silence and solitude before deciding to share this with you. It’s less polished and more raw than I expected. And that’s after letting it sit for a week.

The climate of our world is causing different parts of me to show up right now. Perhaps you’re feeling it too. As a compassionate journalist, I want to do research and find the facts. While the mental health practitioner in me wants to listen and provide guidance. But the empathic human you’re connecting to - right here, right now - she wants to write, hug the world and herself.

After giving myself a little time and grace, I realize I can be all three. So here we are.

In September 2025, I published an excerpt from my upcoming book HUG it Out. It was an opportunity to open up for the first time in my writing about the impact traumatic events had on me as a journalist, and how it moved me into the field of holistic mental health. I shared my experience being on the anchor desk on 9/11 and then provided neuroscience-based techniques to support my readers with compassionate care.

Since sharing that post, I have noticed a pattern. We need more connection and understanding - not only with others, but with ourselves. We’re not just remembering the past; we’re reliving it, and we need support.

These are turbulent times. Every day, around the world, humans are facing uncertainty and are fueled by fear. Some of us are witnessing the atrocities from afar, while others are experiencing it closer to home…maybe in our own back yards. The recent events in Minnesota have us asking,

“When will it stop? How can I help? What can I do?”

I’ve tried to steer clear of the rants and anger that flood the internet. My converations off line are a politics-free zone. This is my choice. Not because I don’t care. Quite the contrary. I care too much. But my body and brain need me to stay healthy, for myself and those I support, and going down the rabbit hole is not where that happens.

This means more time in meditation, inspiring conversations, and laughter. Even in times of trouble, we need to laugh. Science even has a name for this type of study - Gelotology. It’s why humor is one of the pillars of my HUG it Out® methodology, because it’s essential for our emotional well-being.

Then, the laughter stopped for a moment with news that came in like a crashing wave.

Comedic genius Catherine O’Hara was gone. I wasn’t ready. After scrolling through countless notes on Substack and other platforms, it seems as though none of us were.

Catherine’s death impacted me more than I thought it would. I’ve been a fan of her work since discovering SCTV as a kid. Not to mention, I love Canadians. As far as comediennes, I’ve often said she’s up there with the ranks of Lucille Ball, Betty White, and (please, protect her with every ounce of energy you’ve got) Carol Burnett. I can’t even think about that day. But Catherine’s unexpected passing hit differently. She was only 71. She’s been active in public life. She shines. Then I realized what likely did me in. Following my own advice, I needed laughter to heal, especially when things got heavy. A little “Netflix and chill” always provides some peace of mind. When we don’t give ourselves the space for happiness, even when the world feels like it’s falling apart, we go inward. We grieve. We try to make sense of the senseless. Suddenly, safety is gone. Tossed out the window. And there is one part of us that embodies that lack of safety more than anywhere else. If you haven’t met her. It’s Amy.

Amy, the Amygdala.

Perhaps you remember your science class days, where you learned about the brain. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. That’s Amy in a nutshell. It’s the part of your brain’s limbic system that’s kept you alive and safe all these years. It’s your inner alarm system that keeps you out of danger. But here’s the catch. Your amygdala doesn’t know time or space. So where does that leave you?

When you turn on the TV, watch endless social media reels on your phone, and engage in conversations that aren’t pleasant, that BFF in your brain is “all hands on deck” and ready to react. It’s information overload for your personal processor.

This is where your awareness steps into action. Be a detective of your own case.
Ask yourself if what’s occurring is happening TO me or AROUND me? Sometimes, this may seem difficult in the moment. But regulating your nervous system is a basic. human right. And having an understanding of what’s coming up for you is an opportunity to build a better relationship with Amy. She needs you. You’re guiding her on this mission and steering the wheel. If your focus is on the negative, she’s coming with you. If you turn your attention towards the positive, Amy is joining that journey too. You choose to choose.

That’s why having different tools and techniques to regulate your nervous system, from head to toe are imperative for your emotional well-being. Think about it. When you’re deep in your writing, it’s likely your focus is on the task at hand. Amy is with you on that holiday. If you’re enjoying a good workout or experiencing a walk in nature, the good neurochemicals are flowing, and Little Miss Amygdala is catching them too. When you sleep, Delta Waves are flowing, and your parasympathetic nervous system kicks in to support rest and repair. If your sleep health is good, Amy isn’t on high alert. If you struggle with sleep, waking up in the middle of the night, it’s like a nudge from your noggin that something is up.

Whenever I feel dysregulated, my go-to is a neuroscience-based technique called Havening. I’ve written about the benefits of Havening and the neuroscience of touch before. I wish I had it when I was a young journalist facing crises in the field, being exposed to the secondary traumatic stresses of my work. But having it now is a gift. It supports me in my work and also with the everyday upsets happening in the world around us. I became a Certified Havening Practitioner and eventually one of only 50 Certified Havening Trainers in the world. I don’t take that lightly. It works. My students have included clinicians, coaches, and first responders. Trauma doctors, nurses, and even educators. Moms and dads. People just like you and me. People who are building a partnership with their body and their brain…including Amy.

If you’re curious about how Havening and the neuroscience of touch can support your emotional well-being, and those you serve, join me for my next Introduction to Havening: The Neuroscience of Touch or Havening Happy Hour free online events.

You’ll explore the science and history of Havening, witness a live demonstration, and take part in a facilitated self-Havening experience with me as your guide. There will be time for Q&A and discussion to follow. This is also a wonderful opportunity to see if Havening Training and Certification is right for you.

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How will you HUG it Out with Amy going forward? It’s a responsibility you have to yourself and those around you to be kind to your mind. Amy is counting on you to show up to lead the way. She needs a hug, and once you offer it, you’ll realize how much you did as well.

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If I’m going to be honest here, the 2016 trend that’s popping up all over pissed me off. I rolled my eyes at the thought of another social media movement to pull people in. It worked. And you know what? It helped, and now I know why.

2016 wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for me. It was the year that brought the good, the bad, and the ugly. It built me and broke me in the course of 12 months. I didn’t know then, but it had to happen.

I had a plan that year. It involved getting in the best shape possible. My focus was on health, fitness, and big career goals. OK, one other thing was on my mind. I was in the middle of planning the most important day of my life. Yes, that day. But sometimes our agendas aren’t what The Universe has in mind.

Professionally, life was good. It was a busy year in the public eye.

I was a college professor of communications at one of the most prestigious universities in the US. I was cast on the first-ever live-streaming fitness show, DailyBurn 365. I found myself back on QVC in the health/wellness division. And brands came calling. I represented some of the biggest names both on and off the screen. I hosted and produced shows for affiliate television markets. Fit modeling kept me busy and lean. Working with animals brought me peace of mind. Therapeutic horseback riding put me back in the saddle, no pun intended. And every day, I witnessed wonder…the most beautiful sunsets from my apartment in NYC.

But inside those walls… was another story.

I was in the most toxic relationship of my life. I didn’t understand what narcissism, gaslighting, and love bombing were, but I was living it. I said “I do” even though the people closest to me begged, “Please, don’t.”

I didn’t listen. I didn’t know how, and I certainly didn’t have the tools. And while the actual day was beautiful, surrounded by family and friends, and feeling strong physically, I was too weak to walk away from the very thing that could destroy me.

I was constantly looking over my shoulder. But I didn’t know how to leave a situation that sent my nervous system screaming “SOS.” I was not safe … in my body or my brain.

A few months later, one of my closest childhood friends was gone. Overdose. The guilt of distancing myself from her sickness and space consumed me.

My inner world was shouting from the rooftops, “What the f*** is happening?!”

Before the end of the year, I felt a tiny part of me was nudging to do something different. I had no clue what that was…yet. I just knew something had to give.
I searched for support and found it in Community. I started connecting to my generational trauma. The search took me to the place my ancestors entered this country. Ellis Island. A start. What would I find?

Here’s the thing about turning trauma into triumph…once you tap into an awareness, things begin to change. Then you allow yourself to face your fears, lean into uncertainty, step into the tension, and embrace the unknown. And suddenly, a shift. Alignment and a move towards courage, resilience, and growth.

That “shift storm” is part of my story and I’m proud of it. It’s how I rose from the ashes. Suddenly, I was saying, “No more” to what was no longer serving me and “Yes, Please” to the possibilities ahead. My surrender became my freedom.

It’s my “why” and what led me to the work I do today in the trauma-informed space. An internationally recognized Havening Techniques Practitioner and Trainer, host of the globally top-rated HIListically Speaking Podcast, and using my communication expertise to grow and serve as a health/wellness media professional and international speaker. My voice and connection are my superpowers.

And the best part? I’m in the healthiest, safest, and most loving relationships of my life. One with myself and the other with a partner, who continues to “do the work.”

So, here’s to looking back to see the brilliant light that fuels me forward.

The past ten years have been the most important decade of my life. I got here by choosing to HUG it Out with myself and see the humor, understanding, and gratitude in all of it. Thank you, 2016!

Looking back on the last decade of your life, what’s your biggest takeaway? Share in the comments.

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There’s a quiet pattern that shows up every year. The holidays are over, the family photos are sent out or posted online, and then… reality hits. Suddenly, that “let’s just get through this” energy runs out while you ask yourself why you keep postponing the inevitable.

Is this still working?

How much longer can I do this?

What is this costing me, emotionally, physically, and relationally?

In legal and mental health circles, January has earned the nickname “Divorce Month.” Ew. There’s a month for this? Does National Calendar Day have to celebrate EVERYTHING? Clearly, we know the answer. But there is a reason for the season. And it’s not because relationships suddenly fall apart. Rather, it’s because many couples have been holding on for a long time.

I’ve been there myself. Twice. The first one in my 30s, then a decade later in my 40s. Both divorces hit me differently. The circumstances weren’t the same. But one thing was clear when I felt things deteriorating, I couldn’t do it one more year. So when January came around, that first-of-the-year feeling hung over me. It wasn’t the excitement and anticipation of our next vacation together or new colors for the kitchen. It was fear that I’m stuck in the cycle…again.

I found myself walking on eggshells… around the person, the uncomfortable conversations, and the inevitable. Staying and going were both difficult choices. I needed help. I needed support. I needed answers. But most importantly, I needed myself back. When my second marriage ended for reasons we’ll call “toxic”, I remember my best friend’s words to me when I finally pulled up my big girl pants and made a decision to go.

She hugged me and said, “You lost your shine, Hil. Now you’re getting it back.”

That hit.

But I knew, even with the loving support of my friends and family, I needed more to heal these deep-rooted wounds. And the new year was a good time to start.

So, Why January?

It’s what therapists and divorce lawyers have heard from their clients for years.

”I can’t do this anymore.” And then…relief followed by panic. Rinse and repeat.

A University of Washington study examining divorce filings from 2001–2015 found a consistent increase in filings in January compared to December. The theory? Couples often delay major decisions to avoid disrupting the holidays, children’s routines, or family gatherings.

Searches for terms like “DIY divorce,” “quick divorce,” and “divorce my partner” skyrocket in the new year, and divorce lawyers’ inquiries are on the incline in January.

This isn’t impulsivity. It’s deferred reality.

Gray Divorces on the Rise

Overall, divorces of younger couples are declining while “gray divorces”, marriages ending for couples over 50, have tripled since the 1990s. Today, more than one-third of all divorces involve someone over 50. So, it’s not that divorce is disappearing; it’s shifting. People are marrying later, more intentionally, and in many cases, staying married longer.

According to some researchers, it comes down to a few big shifts.

First, we’re living longer. When you’re facing decades ahead, staying in an unfulfilling relationship can feel harder to justify.

Second, divorce carries far less stigma than it once did. For many older adults, ending a marriage is no longer seen as failure, but as an honest reckoning.

Third, women are more financially independent. Abundances and self-sufficiency change what feels possible and what feels necessary when a relationship no longer works.

And then there’s the part that often goes unspoken. We simply expect more from a partnership.

There was a time when “nice enough” and “good family” were reasons enough to get hitched. Today, we expect emotional connection, safety, and growth. When those needs go unmet, especially after years of prioritizing kids, careers, or caregiving, we start asking different questions.

Gray divorce often shows up during transitions. The kids leave home, retirement nears, or the noise of the empty nest suddenly quiets. What’s left is a relationship that’s center stage.

The Impact No One Talks About and Doing Nothing

Behind every divorce statistic is a person navigating grief, relief, fear, and identity shifts, often all at once. Learning how to redefine connection, community, and belonging later in life. What these statistics don’t capture is the human cost of waiting.

Living in prolonged relational stress impacts:

• Mental health (anxiety, depression, burnout)

• Physical health (sleep issues, immune dysfunction, chronic pain)

• Parenting capacity

• Self-trust and identity

Many people, again, disproportionately women, aren’t just deciding whether to leave a marriage. They’re grieving:

• The future they imagined

• The version of themselves that kept trying

• The family structure they hoped to preserve

And yet, divorce is still treated as something to manage, fix, or power through, rather than something to grieve.

Why Community Matters

One of the most damaging myths about divorce is that it’s a private failure best handled quietly.

In reality, divorce is a relational loss, and loss requires witnesses.

Community offers what advice cannot:

• Normalization without minimizing

• Shared language for emotions that feel isolating

• Laughter alongside grief

• Nervous system regulation through connection

Healing doesn’t happen because someone tells you what to do. It happens because you’re not alone while you figure it out.

Which is why conversations like the one I had with Oona Metz. on Substack. Oona is a therapist who has been helping women navigate divorce for 30 years, and author of the book “Unhitched,” had to happen.

A Conversation That Reframes Divorce

On Episode 203 of the HIListically Speaking Podcast, Oona, who’s also a fellow divorcee, took the conversation to a place most conversations don’t go. It’s not about legal strategy or “starting over strong”, it’s about the human need for community and connection.

We talked about:

• Divorce as grief, not failure

• Why women hold on longer than they should

• How chronic stress shows up in the body

• Why community heals in ways friends sometimes can’t

• And what it actually means to choose yourself, with compassion

Oona has also created a national training program for clinicians to lead divorce support groups, because she saw firsthand what was missing when she went through her own divorce. She calls it “a place to land.”

If This Resonates:

If you’re questioning a relationship.
If you’re navigating separation or divorce.
If you’re supporting someone who is.
Or if you’re still grieving something that ended years ago…

Share your thoughts and support each other.

Leave a comment

Then tune into HIListically Speaking on any podcast platform or YouTube and consider sharing with a friend.

And if there’s one thing I hope you take from this, it’s this. You don’t need to be fixed. You don’t need to rush your healing. And you don’t have to do this alone.

Sometimes the bravest thing we do is let ourselves be held by community, by truth, and by compassion.

If this post touched, moved, and/or inspired your heart, your nervous system, and your creative spirit, consider subscribing to the Brain Candy Blueprint and be kind to your mind.

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Have you ever noticed how we sometimes gravitate toward the very people or patterns that hurt us most?

Maybe it’s a partner who feels safe at first but ends up pulling the same emotional strings. Or a friendship that mirrors the dynamics you swore you’d never repeat.

You’re not broken for doing this. You’re human.

On Episode 200 of the HIListically Speaking Podcast, I sat down with licensed psychotherapist and bestselling author Jessica Baum, who reminds us that what was wounded in a relationship can only heal in a relationship. And that truth hit me hard.

In her book, SAFE: An Attachment-Informed Guide to Building More Secure Relationships, Jessica dives deep into how our early attachment styles quietly shape the way we love, connect, and even self-soothe.

The anxious chasers. The avoidant withdrawers. The ones who crave closeness but fear being seen.

Sound familiar?

Jessica explains how our nervous system often mistakes chaos for comfort, that we unconsciously seek to “fix” old wounds in familiar places, even when it hurts.
And yet, she offers something profoundly hopeful: healing begins when we start to re-experience connection differently.

She calls them anchors. These are the people who help us feel safe enough to stay present, to regulate, to be seen without judgment. Because when we find safety in another, our bodies finally start to believe we deserve it.

Maybe that’s what this work is really about. It’s about coming home to yourself through the kind of love that doesn’t need you to perform, prove, or pretend.

If you’ve ever felt trapped in a pattern that looks like love but feels like pain… or you’re simply ready to understand why you love the way you do, this conversation will change you.

🎧 Tune into Episode 200 of HIListically Speaking with guest Jessica Baum. Available wherever you get your podcasts.

💬 Then tell me below: what does feeling safe in a relationship mean to you?

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If this post touched, moved, and/or inspired your heart, your nervous system, and your creative spirit, consider subscribing to the Brain Candy Blueprint and be kind to your mind.

Subscribe now

Here are three more engaging and easy ways you can support my writing and your well-being.

1. Like this post
2. Comment below with a thoughtful response
3. Pay it forward and restack this post