I was on 702 with Clement Manyathela this morning, talking about fantasising about someone else during sex.

The lines lit up straight away. Calls, WhatsApp voice notes, texts, one after another for the best part of an hour, which really says something… This is a mainstream morning talk show, and men were queuing up to confess.

But it wasn’t the fantasies that got me. It was how many of these men talked about their own thoughts as though they’d committed a crime.

One caller said it was mental cheating. Another said it’s not good for the human mind, and that we need to be gatekeepers of our own thoughts. And one man had spent years fighting it, that was his word, fighting, until he’d finally trained himself out of it. He phoned in to tell us he’d stopped, and he was proud of it.

He didn’t look at it, he got rid of it

I keep coming back to that last caller.

Here’s a man with years of information about his own arousal, and instead of looking at any of it, he waged a war on it until it went quiet. And he won! The fantasies stopped, and so did everything they could have told him about his erotic mind.

You might be doing a version of the same thing in your own head. An erotic thought arrives, and the guilt follows about half a second later. But you never stop to look any closer. So years go by and you never actually examine the fantasy.

You made a promise about your behaviour

Within about twenty minutes on air we had the whole spread of opinion.

One caller said it happens to nearly every guy he knows, it’s just part of sex, and he doesn’t feel guilty about it at all. Another was absolutely clear that it’s incompatible with respect and commitment, end of story. A woman phoned in about an ex who’d told her he could only get there by thinking about her, and she was disgusted that he’d said it to her face. Someone else asked whether you’d trust Dracula with your blood.

And I get it, I really do. Trust is a massive part of this, and hearing that your partner is thinking about the guy next door does not feel good.

But here’s what I said on air, and I’ll say it again here. When you make a promise to a partner, you’re promising to behave in a certain way. You are not promising to think in a certain way. Nobody vowed to have a monogamous mind, and honestly, are we going to police that? How would you even do it?

The other thing worth knowing is that a fantasy isn’t evidence of a wish. We can be sure about this because non-consent fantasies are very common, and (the vast majority of) the people having them don’t want to be assaulted. So the thing you’re picturing is not always the same as the thing you want. Sometimes it is, and that’s fine too. But mostly your mind is just reaching for whatever gets you there efficiently.

The best call of the morning

Right near the end, a man phoned in, super chirpy, to say he has a beautiful girlfriend. Absolutely gorgeous. And he would not be telling her that he fantasises about her mother.

Clement got goosebumps. I laughed… and then I said the thing that’s actually true, which is that of course he does!

It’s one of the most common genres on pornhub!

That formula… an attractive person, plus an obstacle is almost irresitable to our erotic mind. It’s forbidden, it’s out of reach, it’s pretty bloody shocking, and it’s never going to happen, which makes it perfect fuel. A few weeks ago I wrote about Jack Morin and peak erotic experiences, and here was his whole argument turning up live on Johannesburg radio from a man who had no idea he was proving it.

So the obstacle isn’t the flaw in the fantasy. Quite often the obstacle is the engine, and for some people the forbiddenness is the entire point, the wrongness of it is what’s generating the charge in the first place.

Two men, same fantasy, completely different thing

Two callers told us about fantasising about an ex, and they could not have been more different.

The first talked about it warmly. Great sex, years ago, a memory that still turns him on, and he reaches for it when he wants that final push. The second described the same thing as a habit that had got away from him. Unwanted, intrusive, spreading until he was thinking about every woman he’d walked past that day.

Same surface fantasy, completely different dynamics underneath.

Which is why the content of a fantasy tells you almost nothing by itself. What’s useful is whatever is running behind it. What is the erotic ingredient that is doing it for you? Being wanted that badly, or being out of reach, or being taken, or being watched, or getting to be nobody’s anything for an hour. Two men can be picturing an identical scene for reasons that have nothing to do with each other.

Of course, sometimes the ingredient is hard to decipher. Fantasies are notoriously illogical.

When fantasising about someone else becomes a problem

I did draw a line on air, and I don’t want it lost in everything else.

If a fantasy brings arousal into the room, it’s fuel. Light the passion with it like a match, then open your eyes and come back to the body you’re in and the person you’re with.

But if the fantasy is how you leave the room, that’s a different thing entirely.

If it’s become an escape from the person you’re with, or it’s mandatory before you can get anywhere, or it’s chronic, or it’s causing you real distress, then it’s worth addressing properly rather than just feeling bad about it. Be honest with yourself about which one you’re dealing with. And if it needs professional support, that exists and it works.

I’ll be straight with you, it’s so much easier to feel guilty about a fantasy than to ask what it’s helping you avoid. And I’d love you to put the guilt down, because it’s not doing a single useful thing for you. The question underneath it might.

The full conversation, callers and all, is here.

So what do you do with all this

None of it requires a partner, a conversation, or anybody knowing.

Take a moment to bring up the two or three fantasies that keep coming up for you. Especially the ones you’d rather not admit to, or the one you’ve been fighting.

Then look at what’s actually in them. What position are you in? Is something being done to you, or by you? What’s forbidden about it, and what exactly makes it forbidden? And what do you feel about yourself inside it, powerful, wanted, taken, invisible, free?

Then put them next to each other and ask if one thread runs through them, because it’s usually the thread rather than the scene that’s telling you something.

Some of this might feel uncomfortable, and mild discomfort usually means you’re near something worth identifying. But there’s a difference between uncomfortable and distressing, and you’ll know which one you’ve hit. If something comes up that frightens you, or floods you, or takes you somewhere you didn’t expect to go, then stop. That’s not a sign to push harder. Some of this belongs with a therapist rather than with you alone in a room, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that.

Our erotic minds get built long before we’re old enough to understand what’s being built, which is why fantasies so often don’t make sense and don’t need to. They can be bizarre, contradictory, nothing like the life you’ve chosen or the person you are. And they’re yours. I think they’re one of the more fascinating things a human mind does.

Whatever you find, you don’t have to act on any of it. You don’t have to tell anyone. You don’t even have to like what you find. But it’s worth a look.

Try it tonight

Before you can read what your mind is doing, it helps to be back in your body. My free audio is a short, private practice in noticing sensation. Nothing to achieve, nobody watching.

Get the free audio

Free · For adults 18+

Is there a saucy encounter from your past that you still think about from time to time?

It was probably years ago. May have been with someone you weren’t supposed to be with, which is possibly why you’ve never mentioned it to anyone. It might not have even been the best sex in any technical sense. But it’s stayed with you, while a thousand other sexy evenings have kind of blurred into one.

It probably makes you feel a bit wistful. Bit turned on.

Well, hold that thought. Because this peak erotic experience could be some of the most useful information you own about your sexuality.

We’ve been focusing on the wrong thing

Men tell me about the difficulties in their sex lives in forensic detail. The focus is what’s not working, when the issues started, and how to fix it.

They know the dates, patterns, and theories, and have spent a whole bunch of time thinking about it.

So, when I ask them to recall the best sex of their lives and what made it so… there’s often a long silence.

Nobody’s ever asked that. They’ve never asked themselves. And that’s a goldmine of information to explore.

Somebody did ask, though

Jack Morin is a sex therapist who got curious about this back in the eighties, and he did the opposite of what everyone else was doing. Instead of studying dysfunction, he asked hundreds of people to describe their peak erotic experiences, the ones still vivid decades on, and went looking for what they had in common.

I’ve been rereading the first few chapters of his book The Erotic Mind this month.

Here’s the bit that got me thinking. Those exciting memories you hold aren’t random or sentimental. They stuck with you for a reason.

Taking the time to consider that reason could unlock a whole lot of pleasure.

Let me explain. Imagine two men describing the same sexual experience as their peak memory. Sex in a hotel room on a work trip, say.

The interesting thing is not what happened; it’s what made the memory stick for them. For one, the charge could be that she couldn’t keep her hands off him. For the other, it was that nobody knew where he was, nobody could reach him, and for a few hours he wasn’t anyone’s anything.

They’re the same experience on paper. But completely different arousal patterns underneath.

Arousal is fascinating and delightfully complex. Your own sexual history turns out to be a great guide to what turns you on, more than anything you could read.

Alright, mine

One that’s stayed with me happened in a hotel room. Completely unplanned encounter, wildly spontaneous, and one of the funniest nights of my life. We laughed the whole way through. Nothing about it was reverent or choreographed, and at one point something went so spectacularly wrong we had to stop for a good few minutes to recover.

For years I filed it under a fun, unexpected night.

But when I finally sat down and picked it apart, the fun wasn’t the whole point. The fun was what happened once the actual ingredient was in the room.

I was being watched. I was being encouraged. And it was properly, deliciously out of bounds.

That’s mine. Being wanted that openly, somewhere I had no business being… and no, that’s as much as you’re getting.

Now, here’s where you’ll get it wrong

When you try to pinpoint what made your chosen memory a peak sexual experience, you’ll probably be too literal at first.

You’ll decide it was her. Or the hotel. Or that you were thirty-one and could go three times in a night. And then quite reasonably you’ll conclude that whatever it was isn’t available any more. And back that old fantasy goes into the depths of your mind where it’s been sitting comfortably for two decades.

The scene isn’t the point, though.

The scene is just where the erotic ingredient happened to turn up that night.

Look at mine. Read literally, the lesson is that I need more unplanned hotel rooms, which is a delightful conclusion and completely useless. What it actually told me was that I come alive when I’m being witnessed and I’ve stepped outside the lines a bit.

And that’s still true, in a life that looks nothing like it did then.

Yours will work the same way. It sits underneath the story rather than in it.

So what do you do

Start by taking half an hour when nobody wants anything from you.

What people tend to find

It’s hardly ever about a model partner or fancy technique.

• Being watched.

• Being unobserved.

• Letting yourself go out of control.

• Being somewhere you weren’t supposed to be.

• Having nothing to prove.

• Being wanted so obviously there was no doubt about it.

And the moment you can name yours, the question changes.

A tool to help you start

Before you can read what your body remembers, it helps to be back in it. My free audio is a short, private practice in noticing sensation. Give it a try and see what comes up.

Get the free audio

I faked orgasms for years. With a man I loved, in a bed I wanted to be in, because faking was easier than the awkward conversation. I’d decided somewhere along the way that it just wasn’t going to happen for me, and I got very good at making the noises.

I teach this for a living now, but I’m not scared to admit it.

A few weeks ago I was sitting on a panel in Sandton, where Durex had brought me in as the lead expert spokesperson for their Mutual Climax campaign, alongside a few very exciting people you might recognise. And the thing that happened in that room is the reason I’m writing this.

We started talking about women faking orgasm. How common it is, how convincing it is, and how much work goes into it. The breathing, the timing, the specific noises, the body twitches. Yass, it can become a whole performance!

I watched as the men in the room absorbed this info in real time. It was a bit like watching someone realise their house has a room they’ve never been in.

They knew about the pressure they were under. Every man in that room could have told you about the moment in bed where he starts running the mental checklist. Is this working? Is she close? Am I taking too long? Am I not taking long enough?

What none of them had thought about was that the woman lying next to him was doing exactly the same thing.

I’ve spent my last two blogs telling you that the erection was never the test, that softness isn’t the end, that you were handed a scorecard nobody should have given you.

This is the other half of that. She got handed a scorecard too. Hers just looks different. Hers says be enthusiastic, be responsive, don’t make him feel bad, don’t be the woman who needs a lot. So she learned to produce the evidence the same way you learned to produce yours.

The Cost of Faking Orgasms

Faking orgasms is almost never about deceit. When I did it, I thought I was being kind. I didn’t want him to feel like he’d failed. I assumed there was something wrong with me, and didn’t know that what I wanted was even available. So what exactly was I going to ask for?

I was protecting the moment. And in doing that, I taught someone that a thing that wasn’t working was working.

Once you’ve put on that act, you’re committed. You have to keep faking it, since the alternative is a confession. And the whole time, the person you love is doing exactly what you taught him to do, faithfully, for years, and getting nowhere near you.

That’s the real cost, and it isn’t the orgasm. It’s the distance. I did it for years, and it made me lonely in a way I couldn’t explain to the person lying right beside me.

The Durex survey behind the campaign I was speaking for found that almost 60% of South African women don’t always orgasm during sex. And only 52% of people had ever talked to their partner about their sex life with any intention of improving it.

Half. Half of us have never once said a word about this out loud.

What to say instead

So the move here is not to go home and start interrogating.

Get curious instead of efficient.

Tell her… “I want to know what you really enjoy.” “How could we make this even better for you?”

She might not have an answer ready. She may never have been asked, and she may not have the words for it yet. That’s not a bad sign.

Most women need considerably more time and considerably more of the right kind of touch than the usual script allows. So slow down and pay attention.

And don’t panic if she doesn’t orgasm. Make pleasure the goal. The moment climax becomes the deliverable, she’ll feel the pressure. And she’ll produce one. She’s had practice!

The Durex campaign I was there for centred on the launch of a new condom. The Mutual Climax has a lubricant on the inside that takes the edge off his urgency, plus ribs and dots on the outside so she gets more stimulation where it counts. Slows him down, speeds her up. It’s a tool that can support couples having courageous conversations and learning about each other’s bodies.

For the record, I don’t blame the men involved. How were you supposed to know any different when the one person who could have told you was busy protecting your feelings?

But now you know.

Pleasure is a learnable skill, which just happens to be one of the most fun things to practise.

Before you talk to her

It’s hard to drop the performance with someone else if you’ve never felt what it’s like without one.

I recorded a short audio that walks you through a slower, lower-pressure kind of touch. No goal, no audience, nothing to prove.

Last week I wrote about what I learned at a 5-hour workshop on erections. How the erection got turned into a scorecard it was never meant to be, and why the thing worth chasing is pleasure, not performance. Well, that piece led me down a bit of a rabbit hole, because knowing the pressure is a lie is one thing.

Knowing what to do with your hands, and your attention, when it goes soft, is another.

You know the moment. You are in it, things are good, and all of a sudden, you’re not hard. Or not “hard enough”. Something in your chest drops, and even though the encounter is still happening, you have left it. You are up in your head now, running the checklist. Wondering what went wrong. Whether your partner noticed. Whether the whole thing is over. And it usually is over by then, because the panic did what you blame the softness for. It ended things.

Almost every man knows that moment, whether it visits him once a decade or most weeks now. And almost every man has the same instinct when it lands. Fix it. Get hard. Get back on track. Somewhere along the way, you learned that the erection was the track, and everything else was just the run-up to it.

I want to share a different perspective, guided by Mish Middelmann, author of Beyond Erections. I spent a session with him and a room full of men and their partners talking about what sex becomes when a hard penis is not the point, or not available, or just not interested that night.

Mish is frank and warm and completely un-clinical about this tricky topic, and he is living it, so none of this is cold theory. His own erections changed after prostate cancer surgery in 2020, and he has spent the years since exploring what is still possible in his own body.

The first thing Mish offered was almost stupidly simple. Holding.

He talked about his wife simply cupping him. Not stroking toward anything, not warming him up for a main event. Just holding, with love, the way you might hold any part of someone you adore. He described how much moves between two people in that one still act. You can do this on your own, too. For years, I taught women the vulva hug. You rest a cupped hand over yourself, no goal, no working toward anything, and let your own hand say I am here. I never thought of it as something men needed too, but of course it is.

So put your hand there and just hold. Notice what comes up. For a lot of men it is something close to grief first, and then something close to relief.

The second thing is about touch itself, and it matters even if your erections are perfectly reliable.

Most men settle on one way to touch themselves early. Firm, fast, high friction, get there. The same grip for decades. In that room, a man described finding the opposite by accident. A lighter touch. Slower. Almost nothing at all. And how it reset what his body understood pleasure to be, so that instead of working away at one stubborn nerve ending, he was letting sensation spread out and get bigger. If you have spent thirty years teaching your body that pleasure means intensity, this is the way back to feeling more.

Softer is not lesser. Softer is a wider range you probably shut off around the age of fourteen.

Then there is the language. Someone said, stop calling the orgasm “finishing.” Think about it. If the orgasm is the finish, then everything before it is unfinished, a means to an end, a task with a progress bar.

No wonder you are watching yourself. No wonder the softness feels like failure.

But orgasms do not have to arrive at the end, and you can reach the end of a beautiful hour without one at all. When you stop treating the climax as the point, everything leading up to it stops being a performance you might fail and starts being something you are inside of.

That was the word that kept coming back all evening. Not performance. Play.

One man said the pressure to perform sent him into the same self-destructive spiral every time, and that he was walking away, deciding to go in playful, even a bit silly, instead.

Here’s an important fact to keep in mind. An erection and an orgasm are two separate events, run by two different parts of your nervous system. One does not need the other.

Yes, men can orgasm without erections.

And for sure, men have erections and no orgasm.

So the next time it stays soft, or semi, or comes and goes, you get to choose where your attention lands. You can chase the erection and lose the night to your own head. Or you can put your hand there and hold. Stroke where it is sensitive. Explore other body parts. Get playful. Redefine what finishing might mean.

And before you panic, none of this is about giving up hard sex. Hard sex is great, and it can be as tender or as intense as you and a partner want it to be.

This is about almost everything else your body can do. Which can be delicious.

Mish has spent years and hundreds of honest conversations mapping that part. If any of this landed, his book Beyond Erections and his events are the deeper dive, and I would send any man there gladly.

If you want to feel what a slower, lower-pressure kind of touch is like, I recorded a short audio you can listen to tonight. It’s free.

This one is called the Thermos, a heated automatic male masturbator Sohimi sent me to try. The name fits the second you see it. It looks like a flask. It warms up, it thrusts on its own, and it is quiet enough to use with someone in the next room.

Here is what it does.

The heat is the first thing you notice. Many warming toys just give you one hot patch, but this one runs 10 internal warming strips 360° around the inside, so the whole sleeve warms evenly. If you use the app, you can pre-warm it to a realistic 107°F (42°C) around body temperature before you start, so it is ready the moment you are.

Then there is the movement. It thrusts by itself and you set the speed. Slow and building, or fast and relentless, whatever you are in the mood for. It is stronger than it looks, up to about 550 strokes a minute at the top end, and you will want to hold on to it once it gets going.

For something that powerful, it is very quiet. Under 48 decibels, softer than most conversations. Privacy matters to the men I write for, so this is a big selling point.

Three sleeves come in the box, each with a different internal texture, one built around oral, one vaginal, one anal. You swap them depending on what you feel like that night. And because there are three, you always have a clean dry one waiting while another dries off.

Cleaning is simple. The sleeve pulls out and turns fully inside out, so you can wash every ridge and leave it to dry. Be sure to always use a water-based lubricant only. Silicone lube damages the silicone sleeve over time, and you do not want to ruin the texture that makes it feel like anything.

The app is where you can unlock the full pleasure potential. You can build your own thrusting pattern and save it. So, if you’re working on lasting longer, or teaching your body to sit near the edge without tipping over, a rhythm you control gives you something measurable to practise with. You can hand control to a partner too, from the next room or the other side of the world, and sync it to music or a video if that tickles your fancy.

The practical bits. It charges over USB-C, takes about three hours to fill, and gives you roughly fifty minutes of play, which is 2-5 sessions for most men.

If you have spent years using one firm, fast, dry grip, your body learns to answer to that and not much else. Bring in warmth, changing pressure and a texture you did not create yourself, and you widen the range of what you can feel. That is what a toy like this is for. Not to replace your hand. To remind your body it has more than one setting.

Sohimi sent me the Thermos to try, and the link below is an affiliate link.

Want to try the Thermos?

It is $101.99 right now, down from around two hundred, with all three sleeves in the box.

See the Thermos →

Image: Priapus depicted with the attributes of Mercury in a fresco found at Pompeii

Most people wouldn’t give up a whole day to sit in a room and learn about erections for five hours. But I’m not most people. This is the thing I think about when I’m gazing into the distance, and the thing I can’t shut up about at dinner. So when my friend and colleague Chant Malan announced a workshop on erections and pleasure, I immediately signed up.

Chant’s a clinical sexologist and counselling psychologist. They called the session “From Performance to Pleasure,” and by the end, I understood exactly why.

We usually think about an erection like it’s a switch. On when you want it, off when you’re done. And if it misbehaves, there must be something wrong with you.

But it’s nothing like a switch. It’s actually one of the most complicated things your body pulls off. Blood, nerves, hormones, brain chemistry, whether you feel safe, whether your head is in the room or three days away at work. All of it has to line up at once.

So I guess the real surprise isn’t the times it doesn’t work. It’s how reliably it does.

And the times it doesn’t? That’s not rare. It gets more common as the years go on, which means most men meet it sooner or later. It’s not a flaw or ruling on whether you count as a man. It’s just a human body behaving like a human body.

And somewhere along the line, we’ve decided an erection is evidence of something totally unrelated to physiology.

Like proof you want her, proof you’ve still got it, proof you’re a real man. We took a fragile bit of biology and turned it into a scorecard for your worth as a human being. So of course, it feels like everything is riding on it. You’ve been told it is.

We’ve been obsessed with the erect penis for a very long time. Chant showed us evidence of erections in ancient art, sculpture, and poetry dating back to at least the 7th century BC. Symbols of power, fertility, the divine. We’ve been piling meaning onto this one part of the body since before we could write it down.

Chant laid out the script that most of us follow without critical thought. Sex means penetration. It’s led by a hard penis. It’s over when he comes. Everything else is a warm-up or a consolation prize.

And the way out of this trap is almost boringly simple. Make pleasure the point, not performance.

Then the erection stops being the bouncer at the door deciding whether anything is allowed to happen. It’s welcome when it turns up. But it’s not the whole point.

The moment you open your mind to exploring pleasure, regardless of what the penis is doing, you get to ask better questions.

What do I like?

What have I been curious about for years and never said out loud?

What would I try if nobody was keeping score?

And one more thing, because I care about the whole of you and not just your sex life. If your erections have turned unreliable, see a doctor. Your penis is sometimes the first place your body raises a flag about your heart, your circulation, and your blood sugar.

Five hours on one small subject, and I walked out feeling like it was never really about erections. It was about permission. To be a whole man in a whole body, allowed to feel things, instead of a machine being marked on whether it performed on cue.

That’s the work. That’s why I love it.

If any of this landed, my free audio is the easiest way in.

Holding things together, pushing through, showing up. And now it’s the end of the day and your mind still won’t let go.

This is for that moment. Seven minutes to release the weight of the day and give yourself actual permission to rest.

You deserve this. Good night.

So let’s get into it honestly, without judgement, and without pretending it’s simple when it isn’t.

The short answer

It depends.

But for the vast majority of men in the vast majority of situations, yes, it’s okay. More than okay.

What matters isn’t whether you masturbate in your marriage. What matters is the intention behind it, how it affects your relationship, and whether you and your partner are on the same page. Let’s break those down.

Factor 1: Intention

Why are you doing it?

If masturbation is a way to manage your own needs, explore sensation, reduce stress, stay connected to your body, or recharge so you can show up more fully for your partner, that’s a healthy, self-aware choice.

If it’s a way to avoid intimacy, sidestep unresolved conflict, or escape something difficult in the relationship, that’s worth looking at more closely. Not because masturbation itself is the problem, but because avoidance usually is.

It’s also worth knowing that for some men, masturbation can become compulsive, used to manage overwhelming emotions in a way that starts to interfere with daily life or relationship connection. If that resonates, working with a sex-positive therapist who specialises in compulsive sexual behaviour is a worthwhile step. That’s not a judgement, it’s just a different situation that deserves different support.

Most men reading this are not in that category. Most men are just trying to take care of their needs without hurting anyone.

Factor 2: Communication

Have you talked to your partner about it?

I know. It feels incredibly awkward. But a little transparency goes a long way, and not just for the relationship. Men who are open with their partners about masturbating often find they can actually enjoy it more, without the background hum of guilt and secrecy.

If you can share with your partner why it matters to you, whether it’s managing your own needs, exploring sensations they’re not interested in, or simply doing something that feels good, it tends to reduce tension rather than create it. Your partner might be more relieved than you expect. Relieved to know it’s not about them. Relieved to know you’re taking care of yourself. Relieved that you trust them enough to say it out loud.

This is also a chance to understand where you both stand. Cultural backgrounds, religious upbringing, personal experiences, these all shape how people feel about masturbation in relationships. Understanding each other’s perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything. It means you can navigate it together rather than around each other.

Factor 3: Impact

Is your masturbation practice working for you and your relationship, or against it?

A healthy solo sex practice tends to reduce performance anxiety, support emotional regulation, allow you to bring new things to partnered sex with confidence, and take the edge off urgency in situations where your needs aren’t being met.

A problematic one tends to increase secrecy, reduce desire for connection with your partner, and create a wedge rather than a release valve.

The same behaviour, very different contexts. The honest question is: which one is yours?

What about sexless marriages?

This deserves its own section because it’s more common than most people acknowledge.

A sexless marriage is typically defined as having sex once a month or less. And there are many reasons it happens, illness, desire discrepancy, one partner being asexual, unresolved conflict, life circumstances, shifting hormones. None of them are simple.

If you’re in this situation and masturbation feels like your only outlet, I want to be direct: that is okay. You are not selfish. You are not disgusting. You are not doing anything wrong. You are taking care of yourself in a way that’s available to you, and there are genuine health benefits to regular ejaculation, including lower stress, better emotional well-being, and a reduced risk of prostate cancer.

Staying connected to your own sexuality during a dry period in your relationship doesn’t make you a bad partner. In many cases, it makes you a calmer, less resentful, more emotionally available one.

3 myths to bust… no pun intended!

Myth 1: Masturbating means something is wrong with your relationship.

It doesn’t. Self-pleasure is not a rejection of your partner. It’s a healthy way to maintain your own well-being. Everybody has the right to masturbate, regardless of their relationship status.

Myth 2: Masturbation, especially with porn or fantasy, is basically cheating.

It isn’t. Visual erotica is a tool, just as a vibrator is a tool. Fantasies are a normal, healthy part of human sexuality. Having a fantasy doesn’t mean you love or desire your partner any less. It means your brain, your biggest sexual organ, is doing what brains do.

Myth 3: If you’re satisfied in your relationship, you won’t need to masturbate.

This one fundamentally misunderstands what masturbation is. It’s not a replacement for partnered sex. It’s a distinct experience with its own value, stress relief, self-connection, pleasure, body awareness. Those benefits exist whether you’re in a sexually active relationship or not.

The benefits of masturbation in marriage

Beyond everything already mentioned, a healthy solo practice can:

• Help you understand your own body better, which translates directly to better partnered sex. When you know how you respond to different types of stimulation, you can communicate that to a partner and bring it into your sex life together.

• Reduce performance anxiety. Because you know what your body does and doesn’t do under different circumstances.

• Take the urgency and resentment out of a situation where your needs aren’t being met. This matters enormously. When you’re not relying on your partner to be your only outlet, you can show up for emotional connection and non-sexual intimacy without that underlying pressure, which often does more for a struggling sex life than almost anything else.

• Open a door to something you can explore together. Mutual masturbation, where you and your partner explore your own bodies in each other’s presence, is one of the most intimate and underrated sexual experiences available to couples. Starting the conversation about your own solo practice is sometimes the doorway to that.

How to talk to your partner about it

Start the conversation. It doesn’t have to be heavy.

Frame it around you, your self-care, your connection to your own body, rather than as a commentary on anything that’s missing in the relationship. “This is something I do for myself” lands very differently from “I have to do this because you don’t.”

If it creates tension, look for shared values rather than fixed positions. What makes both of you feel comfortable and respected? What boundaries feel important? The goal isn’t agreement on every detail, it’s enough mutual understanding to move forward without secrecy or guilt.

And if the conversation feels too big to have alone, a couples therapist or sex educator who works with relationships can be a genuinely useful space to have it.

There is no single right way to approach masturbation in marriage. But there is a version of it that supports your well-being, respects your relationship, and doesn’t require you to carry unnecessary shame.

If you want to mix up your solo practice in the meantime, I’ve put together a free video walking through three stroke techniques most men have never tried. Find it at lisawelsh.com.

Lisa x

A quick note: some links in this post may be affiliate links. If you make a purchase I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend things I’d genuinely put in front of the men I work with.

The one who avoids mirrors. Who compares himself constantly. Who has never quite given himself permission to feel good in his own body.

I want to walk you through six masturbation mistakes that come up again and again with the men I work with. None of them are shameful. All of them are fixable. And addressing even one of them could genuinely change your experience.

Mistake 1: Believing the no-fap & semen retention myths

The idea that abstaining from ejaculation will give you superpowers, more energy, sharper focus, higher testosterone, has spread rapidly online. But here’s what the research actually shows.

There is no credible scientific evidence that seed retention produces the benefits its proponents claim. In fact, research consistently points in the other direction: regular ejaculation is associated with lower stress, better emotional regulation, a reduced risk of prostate cancer, and a lower risk of cardiovascular disease.

None of that means you can’t take breaks, practise edging, or explore chastity if those things align with your values. Intentional choices made from curiosity are completely different from guilt-driven abstinence based on misinformation. Do what works for you. Just don’t let an internet myth be the reason you deny yourself something that’s actually good for your health.

Mistake 2: The death grip

The death grip is the most common and most consequential mistake, and most men have no idea they’re doing it.

Here’s what it looks like: a firm grip, a fast pace, significant friction, focused on one specific area, repeated the same way every time. It works. It gets you there. But over time, it trains your nervous system to respond only to that very specific type of stimulation, and makes everything else feel like less.

The same principle applies to women who use a strong vibrator exclusively. The body adapts. It becomes harder to orgasm from other kinds of touch. For men, this often shows up as delayed ejaculation, taking a very long time to climax during partnered sex because the sensation doesn’t match what your body has been trained to expect.

The fix: introduce variety. Loosen your grip. Slow down. Use lube. Explore different strokes and pressures. You’re not replacing what works, you’re expanding what’s possible.

If you want somewhere to start, I’ve put together a free video that walks through three specific stroke techniques most men have never tried. Find it at lisawelsh.com.

Mistake 3: Rushing through

Most men learned to masturbate quickly and quietly, because they had to. As a teenager, privacy was limited. As an adult in a relationship, there might still be a sense of sneaking off, of getting it done before anyone notices, of guilt hanging over the whole thing.

That urgency makes sense in context. But it costs you.

When you rush, you’re optimising for release rather than pleasure. You get to the finish line but you skip everything that makes the journey worth having.

You’re a fully grown adult. Your body belongs to you. You don’t need permission to touch it in a way that feels good.

Occasionally, carve out actual time. Lock the door. Use good lube. Slow down enough to actually notice what you’re feeling. What sensations are available when you’re not racing toward the finish line?

Mistake 4: Ignoring the rest of your body

Your penis gets a lot of attention during masturbation. Fair enough, but it’s not the only part of your body that’s capable of feeling good.

Your entire body is covered in skin with nerve endings that respond to touch. Here are the areas most men completely overlook:

• Inner thighs. Highly sensitive and almost universally ignored. Light touch here builds arousal in a completely different way.

• Testicles. One of the most overlooked erogenous zones on the male body. Gentle attention changes the quality of arousal significantly.

• Perineum. The area between the base of the scrotum and the anus. Light pressure here, particularly approaching orgasm, intensifies sensation for most men.

• Nipples. Not for everyone, but worth trying. Some men find nipple stimulation adds a surprising amount to the overall experience.

Take the time to map your own erogenous zones. Your body has far more available to it than you’ve probably explored.

Mistake 5: Using the wrong tools

Two specific mistakes here.

First: lotion is not lube. It’s designed to moisturise skin, which means it absorbs quickly, dries out fast, and creates friction as it does. It also contains fragrances not designed for sensitive genital skin. A good quality lubricant is designed specifically to reduce friction and enhance sensation. Go water-based for versatility, or silicone-based for longer-lasting glide.

Second: not exploring toys. The range of sex toys designed for men has expanded enormously.

• Stroker sleeves create a completely different sensory experience from manual stimulation. The Lovense Solace Pro is an automatic option that adjusts to your movement, great if you want to stay fully present.

• Cock rings increase sensitivity and firmness. Vibrating versions work just as well solo as with a partner.

• Prostate massagers unlock a type of orgasm that’s qualitatively different from anything achievable through penile stimulation alone. The Lovense Edge 2 is app-controlled and hands-free.

Mistake 6: Shame & Overthinking

This is the most important mistake on the list.

Shame during and after masturbation is extraordinarily common. You might have received messages that masturbation is sinful, selfish or disgusting. You might feel embarrassed about the specific way you get off, or worried your fantasies or curiosities are abnormal. You might finish and immediately feel like you’ve done something wrong.

Here’s what I want you to know: masturbation is normal. It is healthy. It is not something you need to justify to anyone, including yourself. The range of what men enjoy during solo sex is vast. You are almost certainly not as unusual as you think you are.

More importantly: shame actively reduces pleasure. When part of your attention is occupied by monitoring, judging or dreading what you’re doing, you can’t be fully present in your own body. And presence is where pleasure lives.

Start treating your solo time as something worth having rather than something to get through and feel bad about. When you allow yourself to be genuinely curious, about what you like, what you want, what your body is capable of, you unlock access to a completely different experience.

So. Six mistakes. All fixable. Pick one and start there.

Lisa x

You don’t need to calm down for this to work.

You don’t need to empty your mind or feel ready or relaxed.
You just need to stop for a moment.

As an accredited sex educator who works specifically with men on pleasure and body awareness, I want to share three masturbation tips that go well beyond the basics. These aren’t tricks or hacks. They’re simple shifts that can genuinely change how you experience your own body.

Why most men are stuck on autopilot

There’s a reason most men default to the same stroke every time. It’s efficient. It works. And over years of repetition, your body has learned exactly what to expect.

But efficiency and pleasure aren’t the same thing. When you do the same thing every time, you gradually train your nervous system to respond only to that specific stimulus. You narrow the range of sensation available to you. And over time, you can find yourself needing more intensity to feel the same amount.

The good news is that your body is far more responsive than you think. It just needs a little more of your attention.

TIP 1: SWITCH UP YOUR STROKES AND SPEEDS

Your penis has multiple highly sensitive areas that most men completely overlook. The frenulum, that small ridge on the underside of the head, is packed with nerve endings and responds beautifully to light, slow touch. The corona, the ridge around the head, is similarly sensitive. And yet most men spend the majority of their time focused on the shaft using the same firm grip they’ve always used.

Think of it as a pleasure experiment.

Try the following:

• Slow right down. Use a lighter grip than feels natural and move at half your usual speed. Notice what changes.

• Focus on the head. Spend time specifically on the frenulum and corona with gentle, deliberate strokes.

• Mix your rhythm. Alternate between slow, teasing strokes and faster, more focused movement. Variation keeps your nervous system engaged rather than habituated.

• Use both hands. Try an upward stroke with one hand flowing into a downward stroke with the other, a continuous motion that changes the sensation entirely.

I’ve put together a free video guide that walks you through three specific stroke techniques you’ve probably never tried. You can find it at lisawelsh.com. Most men are surprised by what they notice the first time they try them.

TIP 2: UPGRADE YOUR TOOLS

This tip has two parts: lube and toys. Both are significantly underused by men, and both can transform the experience.

Lube first. If you’re not using it, you’re missing one of the simplest upgrades available. A good quality lubricant makes everything smoother, more comfortable and significantly more pleasurable.

A word on lotion: it’s not the same thing. Lotions are designed to moisturise, contain fragrances that aren’t intended for genital skin, and dry out far too quickly. Go water-based for versatility and easy clean-up, or silicone-based for a longer-lasting glide.

Now, toys. The range of sex toys designed for men has expanded enormously, and they can genuinely change the quality of sensation available to you. Think of it this way: if you were a chef, you wouldn’t limit yourself to one pan.

Some awesome options:

• Stroker sleeves. Textured internal sleeves that create a completely different experience from manual stimulation. The Lovense Solace Pro is an automatic option that removes the manual element entirely, useful if you want to stay present rather than managing technique.

• Cock rings. Worn at the base, they increase sensitivity and firmness. A vibrating ring adds stimulation without much complexity.

• Prostate massagers. For men who haven’t explored this yet, prostate stimulation unlocks a completely different type of orgasm. The Lovense Edge 2 is app-controlled and designed for hands-free use.

TIP 3: ENGAGE MORE OF YOUR BODY

This is the tip most men don’t expect, and the one that tends to create the biggest shift.

Most men masturbate with their attention entirely focused on their penis. Which makes sense. But your entire body is covered in skin that responds to touch — and some of it responds specifically to slow, light contact. If you’re always using firm and fast stimulation, you’re bypassing entire layers of sensation.

Areas to explore:

• Inner thighs. Highly sensitive and often completely ignored. Light touch here can create a surprisingly powerful response.

• Testicles. One of the most overlooked erogenous zones on the male body. Gentle attention here changes the whole quality of arousal.

• Perineum. The area between the base of the scrotum and the anus. Applying light pressure here, especially approaching orgasm, significantly intensifies sensation for most men.

• Nipples. Not for everyone, but worth trying. Some men find nipple stimulation adds a surprising amount to the overall experience.

• Use your breath. Slowing your breath down and breathing intentionally during masturbation turns up the volume on every sensation. Think about the difference between gulping a coffee and actually sitting with that first sip. Your body responds the same way to attention. Inhale slowly through your nose. Exhale through your mouth. Let your breath set the pace rather than your urgency.

• Change your position. If you always masturbate lying down, try standing. If you always sit, try crouching slightly or bracing against a wall. Different positions engage different muscle groups and shift blood flow in ways that noticeably affect sensation.

Bonus Tip: Make it a ritual

This one might feel unnecessary. Stay with me.

How you approach the experience shapes the experience. If masturbation is something you do quickly, guiltily and without much thought, your nervous system reflects that. You stay slightly alert. You rush. You don’t fully arrive.

Giving yourself actual time, locking the door, putting on music that helps you settle, taking a moment before you begin, signals to your body that this is something worth paying attention to. And your body responds accordingly.

You deserve to take your own pleasure seriously.

So, switch up your strokes, upgrade your tools, engage your whole body, and make it a ritual.

Not only will it feel better. It will build your connection with your own body. And that changes everything.

Which of these are you going to try first?

Lisa x

A quick note: some of the toy links in this post are affiliate links. If you buy through them, I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only ever recommend things I’d genuinely put in front of the men I work with.

Maybe it’s anger. Maybe resentment. Maybe that low-burning frustration you’ve been swallowing all day because there was nowhere safe to put it.

This is not designed to eliminate the feeling or talk you out of it. Instead, I want to encourage you to let it move, because that’s the only thing that actually works.

Maybe it was something you read. Maybe it was a partner. Maybe it was just the quiet voice in your own head after years of guilt and going back anyway.

It wasn’t true. And this practice is for you.

Find somewhere private. Get comfortable. Press play.

Because here’s what I want to tell you today. The thing so many men do quietly, quickly, and with a side helping of guilt? The research suggests it might be one of the most health-promoting habits you have.

Let me make the case.

Subscribe now

The prostate cancer research

A landmark study out of Harvard, following over 31,000 men for nearly two decades, found that men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month had a 31% lower risk of prostate cancer compared to men who ejaculated four to seven times a month.

Thirty-one percent. That’s not a small finding.

A 2016 follow-up published in European Urology confirmed it, men ejaculating more than 20 times a month showed around a 20% reduction in prostate cancer risk compared to those ejaculating less frequently. The researchers believe regular ejaculation may help clear potentially cancer-causing substances from the prostate — essentially, the body cleaning house.

And it doesn’t matter whether those ejaculations come from partnered sex, nocturnal emissions, or masturbation.

The mortality research

The Caerphilly Cohort Study, published in the BMJ, followed 918 men over ten years and found something remarkable: mortality risk was 50% lower in the group with high orgasmic frequency compared to the group with low orgasmic frequency.

That’s a big deal!

Deaths from coronary heart disease showed similar associations. The researchers concluded that sexual activity appears to have a genuine protective effect on men’s health, contrasting sharply, as they noted, with the cultural belief that pleasure comes at the cost of vitality.

What else is happening in your body

Regular ejaculation releases a meaningful cocktail of neurochemicals. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, reduces cortisol and calms the nervous system. Dopamine reinforces a sense of reward and motivation. Endorphins do what endorphins do.

The result is lower stress, better sleep, improved mood, and a body that feels like it’s been reset rather than running on fumes.

Most men know this intuitively. The clarity after orgasm, the physical release of tension that had been sitting in the body all day, is not imagined. It’s physiological.

So why does the guilt exist?

Because somewhere along the way, in religious frameworks, cultural messaging, locker room dynamics, men absorbed the idea that their pleasure is shameful. Sinful. Selfish. A second-rate substitute for real sex.

None of that is grounded in anything real.

What is real: men who are in sexless marriages, or dealing with desire discrepancy, or are single or widowed or simply not having sex as often as their bodies want it. Men who have a genuine physical need that isn’t being met and who feel ashamed of taking matters into their own hands.

The shame is learned. The need is biological.

What happens when you ignore it

I hear from men about this constantly.

The tension that builds when sexual needs go unmet doesn’t stay contained to the bedroom. It spills. Into mood, into irritability, into the way you snap when your partner turns away from you, into the slow accumulation of resentment that makes a dead bedroom feel inevitable.

Taking care of yourself sexually isn’t a failure of partnership. It’s not a betrayal or a commentary on your relationship. It’s maintenance. The same way you’d exercise or sleep or eat because your body needs it.

A man who tends to his own pleasure is often calmer, more present, less caught in that cycle of tension and resentment. Not because the problem is solved, but because he’s not running on empty.

Making it intentional

Most men masturbate the way they learned as teenagers. Fast. Efficient. The same stroke, the same grip, the same outcome, quickly and quietly before anyone noticed.

That’s understandable. But it could be even better.

When you slow down, when you approach solo time with even a fraction of the intention you’d bring to anything else you care about, the experience changes. The physical benefits are the same. But you add something: body awareness, presence, a genuine connection to your own pleasure rather than just a mechanical release.

That quality of attention in private translates directly into how you show up in partnered sex. And in the rest of your life.

You are not doing something shameful. You are doing something your body was designed for, that research consistently shows is good for you, that you have every right to enjoy.

Own it.

Lisa x

Subscribe now

This is for that moment.

What you’ll need:

A speaker placed somewhere safe in the bathroom. Give yourself the full length of the audio. Lock the door.

When to listen:

End of the day. When you’re running on empty and you’ve been taking care of everything and everyone except yourself.

If you need a really tight grip and fast strokes just to finish... and sex feels underwhelming by comparison... you are not alone, and you are not broken.

What you’re describing is something that affects a significant number of men and is almost never talked about directly. It has a name, death grip syndrome, and while it isn’t an official medical diagnosis, the pattern behind it is completely real.

Here’s what’s happening: your body has been trained to respond to one very specific type of stimulation. Tight. Fast. Efficient. And anything that doesn’t match that, including a real person’s body, stops registering as quite enough.

Want the good news? It’s not nerve damage. It’s not a permanent condition. It’s a conditioned pattern. And it can be unconditioned the same way it was created, through consistent, deliberate practice.

How it starts.

Most men can trace this back to their early years without much difficulty.

Privacy was scarce. The goal was to finish quickly, quietly, before anyone noticed. A tight grip and a fast pace got the job done. And the body, being incredibly adaptive, learned that this was what arousal felt like. This was the route to orgasm. This was the only map it was given.

Then that same pattern got repeated. For years. Sometimes decades. The nervous system optimised for it, stopped responding well to anything outside it, and sex started to feel like it was missing something that solo never did.

That’s just how conditioning works.

So, no, masturbating doesn’t lower your testosterone. That’s a myth you can retire right now.

How to know if this is you.

You probably know if you’re reading this. But here are the signs:

You need a tight grip to get there. Lighter touch feels like almost nothing. Sex is less intense than solo, and finishing during it is unreliable or impossible. You’ve been using the same technique for as long as you can remember and the idea of changing it feels somehow wrong.

Researchers call this an idiosyncratic masturbatory style, a technique not easily duplicated by a partner’s hand, mouth, or body, and it’s one of the most documented causes of delayed ejaculation in otherwise healthy men.

Any of these signs, on their own or together, are telling you the same thing: your body has been conditioned into a very narrow channel. The channel can be widened.

What actually helps.

Loosen your grip. Genuinely loosen it.

Not a little lighter. Actually light. Open palm strokes. Fingertip touch. Your non-dominant hand. Whatever makes it feel unfamiliar and slightly frustrating at first.

That frustration is the point. You’re waking up nerve pathways that have been bypassed for years, not broken. The reduced intensity is temporary. Sensitivity returns as the nervous system recalibrates.

Slow down significantly.

Death grip almost always comes with urgency. The race to the finish line. Try cutting your pace in half, then in half again. Linger in the build-up rather than pushing through it.

The plateau phase, that sustained arousal before orgasm, is where sensitivity gets rebuilt. Spending time there rather than treating it as an obstacle to push through is one of the most reliable changes you can make.

Add lube.

A good water-based lube reduces friction and makes lighter strokes actually feel like something rather than just frustrating. It lowers the sensory threshold enough to make gentle touch viable while you’re in the process of rebuilding. If you don’t currently use lube during solo sessions, this one change alongside a lighter grip is immediately useful.

Try a stroker sleeve.

A quality stroker sleeve introduces a completely different sensory register, softer, more varied, nothing like a tight hand grip. It’s one of the most practical tools for retraining sensitivity because it forces your body to respond to a genuinely different kind of stimulation. The Lovense Solace Pro is hands-free and app-controlled, which means you can focus entirely on what you’re feeling rather than managing technique. That presence is exactly what this process needs.

Try vibration.

This one surprises men. The Lovense Gush 2 wraps around the glans and delivers targeted vibration to the frenulum, one of the most nerve-dense areas on the body. It’s a completely different sensory experience from grip-based stimulation, which makes it particularly useful during retraining. Your nervous system has to show up differently when the input is this different.

Try something new.

The nervous system needs novel input to break out of a conditioned pattern. Your non-dominant hand. A completely different stroke. Attention on a part of your body you usually ignore.

Awkwardness with new techniques is normal and expected. Even one different approach per session is creating fresh neural pathways. You don’t need to overhaul everything at once.

Breathe. Actually be there.

Death grip almost always involves checking out. Your body executes a familiar routine while your mind goes somewhere else entirely. The opposite of that, deep breathing, attention on what you’re actually feeling, noticing what’s happening rather than pushing toward the finish, significantly increases what you actually feel.

Presence during solo sessions isn’t a small thing. It’s what allows lighter touch to register as pleasurable rather than insufficient. And the presence you develop alone is the exact same quality that makes a difference with a partner.

How long does this take?

Honestly, it varies. Some men notice real changes within two or three weeks of consistent practice. For others, where the pattern has been established for a long time, it’s closer to two or three months.

The longer the conditioning, the more patience the retraining requires. But the mechanism is the same regardless. Every session where you practice differently is a session where you’re actively retraining your nervous system.

Small wins matter along the way. Noticing new sensitivity. Enjoying a slower session. Finding that lighter touch registers more than it used to. These are signs of real change. Track them rather than only measuring against where you want to end up.

One more thing.

If this is affecting sex with your partner, she almost certainly doesn’t understand what’s happening. She may be taking it personally, wondering if she’s not attractive enough, not doing enough, not enough. None of that is true. But without a conversation she has no way of knowing that.

A simple framing helps: ”This is about how I’ve conditioned my body over time. It’s not about you. I’m working on it.”

That one conversation removes an enormous amount of pressure. And pressure, as you now know from everything else we’ve talked about this month, is exactly what makes this harder.

This is fixable. It just takes a little time and a willingness to do something differently.

May is a good month for that.

And apparently it’s also a good birthday.

Lisa x

Some links in this post are affiliate links. If you make a purchase I may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you.

And this thought I couldn’t shake.

That even when everything feels like it’s falling apart... even when it feels like the rug has been pulled from under your feet and the things you worked so hard for are crumbling... you will find everything you need to rebuild in that rubble.

I’ve been sitting on this video for a while. I recorded it months ago and then life got in the way in a rather significant fashion. But the message feels more relevant to me now than it did when I recorded it. And maybe it’s relevant to you tonight too.

If you’re in a hard season right now, this one is for you.

The trees along that river had been bent over and battered by flooding. And they were back. Still standing. More beautiful for it.

So are you.

Lisa x

They lie there with too much going on in their heads. Running through the day. Running through tomorrow. Waiting for sleep that doesn’t come as quickly or as deeply as it used to.

This track is for those nights.

It’s eight hours long. Not a guided meditation with instructions to follow. Not a breathing exercise that requires effort. Just a calm, conversational presence at the beginning of the night, quiet check-ins early on, and then long stretches of space designed to let you actually rest.

You don’t have to do anything. You just have to lie down.

Why sleep matters more than most men realise.

Poor sleep affects almost everything, mood, focus, energy, patience. And it affects your sexuality too, in ways that are rarely talked about.

Testosterone is primarily produced during sleep. One week of sleeping fewer than five hours a night has been shown to reduce testosterone levels in young men by the equivalent of ten to fifteen years of ageing. Low testosterone affects libido, erection quality, confidence, and energy. The connection between how you sleep and how you feel in your body, including sexually, is direct and significant.

How to use this track.

Put your earbuds in or play it through a speaker on low volume. Get comfortable. You don’t need to stay awake for any of it, in fact, the goal is the opposite. Let my voice be the last thing you hear as you drift off, and trust that eight hours of gentle sound is holding space for you through the night.

If you wake in the night, the track will still be playing. Let it bring you back.

This one is a little different from everything else on His Library.

Just rest. You’ve earned it.

Lisa x