But I'm scared of being admired,

scared of doing well in a way

which results in me being seen

because that's always resulted in me

being taken down a peg or stifled.

Or in obsession or infatuation

resulting in me feeling suffocated,

unnerved and misunderstood,

being put on some pedestal where

the person doesn't really know me

but is convinced that they do, leaving

me anxious and fearful about falling off

the pedestal or setting them straight

for fear of them switching on me.

Or in imitation or mimickry, leaving

my identity feeling invaded and stolen.

There's only one person who's

ever truly seen me and admired me

and tried to support, expand and

elevate me instead of constrain me,

without overstepping or controlling,

without obsessing or idolising,

without trying to make my work theirs

or take credit for my success,

and it felt so much safer with him

around and now it feels scary again.

He did so much to help me feel safe to

be myself, it should've been enough to

have changed me but it would seem that

the past is too pervasive and one data

point isn't enough to override all the others.

I let myself need you

For the first time since I was a child

I let myself need someone

When the chances of you staying were so low

But I needed to learn and I knew it

Needed to learn to feel hope, to dream,

to allow myself to desire, to allow myself to lean

To allow myself to ask for help

To allow myself to let someone in

To learn to trust again

And I was so fucking scared

And you made it so fucking easy

Easier than anyone ever has

Interdependency had sounded

beautiful but foreign and scary to me

ever since I'd learnt about it years earlier

I wasn't sure if I could trust it

Dependency was my biggest fear

It seemed like a fine line between the two

Gotta be able to stand on my own two feet

But Interdependency was supposedly good for me

And fuck, you helped so much

Letting you in helped so much

More than I ever expected

And then I fell in love with you

and had to walk away because

you weren't mine to love and

it has ripped my heart out

The pain of needing someone

and not being able to talk to them

It is truly gutting, it tears at me

It's a pain I wasn't willing to feel again

That's why I didn't let myself need anyone

That's a world I could live in you know

A world with the understanding and patience

and gentleness and openmindedness

that you showed me

I would thrive in a world like that

I would want to live in a world like that

The pain of truly needing someone

and not having them around

is so big that I completely understand

why I stopped letting myself need people

You were such a beautiful gift

and missing you is unbearable

do we tell

little girls

that if a

male hurts

them, it

means they

like them?

Why do we

encourage

them to

forgive it,

encourage

them to

condone it,

teach them

to ignore

red flags

from the

age that they

are old enough

to feel the

distress and

start to

understand

how this

world works?

Why do we

lie to them,

instead of

teaching them

how to protect

themselves?

Why do we

teach them

to abandon

themselves?

Why do we

perpetuate

this cycle?

brave

Trying to keep

moving

But I feel foggy

and I want to make sure

I'm not suppressing

or ignoring anything

It's just a weird time

and I don't know what to say about it

It's not overly bad

There's just a painful weight

Grief and anger still, albeit fading, from recent events

Grief and anger from older events which feels fresher than ever

A h…

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You kiss the top of my head, slowly, firmly. You pull me into you and you say softly,

"What's wrong sweetheart? Good morning, my love."

You keep kissing the top of my head, one arm pulling me tightly against you and the other strokin…

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I never pointed it out because I knew you'd feel embarrassed and stop.

One Sunday you went to run errands and I was bored, at your house,

so I used up the food that was going out of date to make you a lemon cake while you were gone

and when you found out what I'd done you jumped up and do…

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First I'd have thought,

“Why hasn't she ironed that dress?

To be honest, ironing it won't do it much good, it looks like a green fabric bin bag that shows arms and cleavage.

Why doesn't she put a bit of makeup on?

She's got so…

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The way I backtrack too quickly

The way I'm far too quick to believe I may have misremembered, that it's almost my first instinct to doubt myself before anything or anyone else

How in a public space I very often can't keep eye contact when talking to a person, purely because I'm scanning the environment so much due to all the movement, …

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They stab and they twist and they cut

They leave wounds in their wake

Dance around each other

The most intricate demolition I have ever witnessed

Their dance consumes almost all of my attention

Almost all that I can consume

without the knives intensifying their frenzy

They will not stop, and

I watch, hour after hour, paralysed

mo…

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There's a sofa, a beautiful, big sofa with a throw, centred on a rug at the front of the roo…

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myself would break my heart too

They didn't tell me that finally

learning to love that young woman

would make it hurt so much when

I had to then leave her behind

That I would miss her so much

Grieve her death, feel true heartbreak

for all which she didn't get to live, for

what she needed and what she instead

suffered, for her t…

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In us, in the women

We are angry

We are integrating

We are remembering

too much remembering

We are seeing clearly

Our instincts are being activated

Something is building

We may not seem loud but

that's not because

we are not feeling loudly

Something is rising in us

rising in each of us

a knowing

an understanding

a settling

a fog clearing

a …

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When this has never previously been the case

It seems to be stemming from being uncomfortable with emotional intensity

or being over aware of emotional dynamics

or just feeling overwhelmed and low capacity

And I wonder

Am I alone in this

Is this a result of my experiences

Or have we all become a little lik…

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Oh I'm unblocked

I'm unblocked I'm unblocked

I'm shifting again, finally

I said I wanted rest

Wanted the change to stop

But that stagnant, dark, time-stretching pain

Where everything inside me stills and my insight clouds

When I have to go inwards

When it is sometimes too painful to be awake

It is an endurance game

Change is ti…

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from,

do you like me

Am I enough

Am I too much

Am I doing enough

Am I making mistakes

What if I mess it up

Am I being productive enough

Did I do something wrong

Am I too intense

Is my history too complicated

Am I overwhelming

Are you attracted to me

Are you going to want to see me again

Am I being too scattered

Am I being negative

…

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Whether it was a refined trauma response or not, it did not matter any more, it had become a sixth sense. She knew things, without being able to explain why. Sensed things that already were but were unspoken, or which would come to be. She was proven right, time and time again. She would sense things which she didn't want to know, didn't want to be awar…

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She was very tired. Tired of being on high-alert, of talking herself down from fear constantly, of trying not to accidentally put eggs in any baskets other than her own for fear of them breaking, of her constant seeking, the journeys she walked all day every day in her mind, thousands of miles, when her feet on the ground hardly moved far at all.

…

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softer than you've ever known

softer than we feel safe enough to let even other women see at times

definitely softer than we feel safe to let most men see

To be sensitive

so much more sensitive than you'll ever know

because we've been taught to hide it and feel ashamed of it

To notice, to see, to feel what others miss

To hold intel…

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