What if the most unglamorous moments of your week - the healthier meal you chose, the workout you didn't want to do but you did it anyway, the decision you made from your bigger WHY instead of your feelings - are quietly building the most important thing you can build right now? Your brain's ability to protect itself. For decades. Here's the science that changed how I see everything.

"You're tired. You worked hard yesterday. You could go tomorrow. You deserve rest. You have too much to do. You can go later."

These are things my mind tells me when it's time to go to the gym. It can be so convincing and very loud.

A lot of people think I LOVE going to the gym and that it's easy for me. But it's not. Mostly, I tend toward being lazy. It would be so easy for me to become sedentary. And I don't usually WANT to go to the gym.

If I waited until I felt like it, I'd go maybe twice a month.

But each day, I make a decision that lives above my feelings — a bigger WHY that gets me out the door even when many other parts of me would rather not.

And here's what I've come to understand about that specific, hard, unglamorous moment of going anyway:

It’s building my brain.

You’ve probably heard of “cognitive reserve.”

Cognitive reserve is your brain's buffer — the cushion built up over a lifetime that allows it to keep functioning well (and longer) even as it faces the wear of aging.

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Scientists first noticed it when they autopsied brains in the 1980s and found something puzzling: some people had significant signs of Alzheimer's disease in their brain tissue, but had shown no memory loss or other symptoms of decline.

Their brains had built something that protected them. A reserve, a depth of neural resources that could absorb damage and keep going.

Two people with the same amount of pathology in the brain.

One has built deep reserves.
One hasn't.

The one with reserve keeps functioning.
The other doesn't.

The difference isn't luck.
It's a lifetime of deposits.

Now here's where we need to blow up a myth.

When most people hear "brain health," they think puzzles. Crosswords. Sudoku. Maybe a language app on your phone.

And yes, those things can help. But only if they're hard for you. Only if they're new. And only if they're asking your brain to do something it hasn't already mapped.

Because the engine of cognitive reserve isn't about activity.

It's effort.
It's novelty.
It's being asked to stretch, to push your edges.

Think about progressive overload in the gym — the principle that your muscles only grow when you give them a stimulus they haven't adapted to yet. The same weight, done forever, stops building anything. You have to go heavier. You have to change the movement. You have to keep introducing new challenges.

Your brain works the same way.

The crossword you've done a hundred times? Your brain barely shows up for it anymore. It's a pattern it already knows. So there's no stretch, so no reserve.

(Of course, keep doing them if you love doing puzzles!)

But a conversation with someone who thinks differently from you?
A skill you've never tried?
A situation that demands you adapt in real time?
A game you've never played and have to learn?

That's the gym for your neurons.

Which brings us back to the decision to go to the gym.
And the negotiation.
And the choice to go anyway.

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When you go to the gym, you build cognitive reserve through the exercise itself — movement is one of the most powerful brain-protective tools we have, full stop!

But on the days you don't want to go — and go anyway?

Something else is happening, too.

Your prefrontal cortex (the seat of decision-making, long-term thinking, and self-regulation) lights up. It has to work hard to override the resistance. It has to keep your bigger WHY in mind while your feelings point in the opposite direction.

That's effortful.
That's novel.
That is exactly the kind of challenge that builds neural depth.

You're not just training your body. You're training the part of your brain that makes you who you are.

These are the deposits, and this is what builds the reserve.

Not an easy Tuesday.
Not the routine you could do in your sleep.
Not the conversation you've had a hundred times.

The hard thing.
The new thing.
The thing you did even though you didn't feel like it.

The future YOU who stays sharp, present, and fully yourself well into your later years is being built in those moments.

Not in the moments that feel good or easy.

In the moments you show up, even when it's NOT easy, natural, familiar, or comfortable.

What's one thing you did this week that you didn't feel like doing — but did anyway?

Drop it below. Let's celebrate the deposits. ↓

You might be someone who has spent years—maybe your whole life—saying yes when you meant no.

Especially with physical affection and intimacy. You’ve let people touch you when you didn’t want to be touched. You’ve given hugs, kisses, and more when your body was saying “not now” or “stop.”

Not because you were forced, but because you thought you had to.

Because you believed that being a good wife, a good partner, a loving person meant being available whenever someone else wanted affection.

And now you’re trying to change that. You’re learning to honor your own body, to trust your own feelings, to set boundaries even when it feels scary. You’re practicing saying no—and discovering just how hard that is after years of abandoning yourself to keep the peace.

This is for you.

These are reminders for the moments when guilt whispers that you’re being difficult, when fear says you’re going to lose love, when old programming tries to pull you back into performing instead of being real.

Come back to these words as often as you need them.

You’re reclaiming what was always yours.

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You Are Allowed

You are allowed to say no.

You are allowed to say “not now.”

You are allowed to say “stop.”

These words are not betrayals of love.

They are expressions of it—love for yourself, respect for your own body, and honoring your own truth.

Your Body Belongs to You

Your body is yours. It has always been yours.

Not his. Not theirs. Yours.

You get to decide what is okay, what feels safe, and what is allowed.

Marriage is not permission.

Partnership is not ownership.

Love is not the surrender of Self.

Your body remains yours—even in a relationship, even in love, even after many years together.

Your No Is Complete

Your no does not need justification.

Your no does not need explanation.

Your no does not need to be softened, apologized for, or made more palatable.

“No” is a complete sentence.

“Not right now” is enough.

“I don’t want to” stands on its own.

You do not owe anyone access to your body, your time, your energy—even those you love, even those who love you.

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You Are Not Responsible for Their Feelings

It is not your job to protect someone from disappointment.

It is not your responsibility to manage someone else’s hurt feelings.

It is not your duty to say yes, so they don’t feel rejected.

Just because someone wants something doesn’t mean you must give it.

Just because someone desires you doesn’t mean you must be available.

Just because someone is disappointed doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

Their feelings are theirs to experience. Your boundaries are yours to set.

You can care about their feelings AND honor your own limits.

Both can be true.

It’s Okay to Rock the Boat

You’ve been taught to keep the peace, to smooth things over, to not make waves.

But sometimes the boat needs to be rocked.

Sometimes discomfort is necessary for growth.

Sometimes, disappointing someone is the price of honoring yourself.

You are not responsible for maintaining a false peace at the expense of your own integrity.

If someone is doing something you don’t want them to do - to your body, in your space, to your heart—it is not only okay but necessary to say so.

Rock the boat. Make waves. Let the discomfort rise.

Your authenticity is worth it.

Your relationships need it.

Saying No Doesn’t Make You Bad

You are not difficult for having boundaries.

You are not a problem for knowing your limits.

You are not dramatic for expressing your truth.

You are not inflexible for honoring what you want.

You are not broken for not wanting affection when someone else wants to give it.

You are not cold for not wanting to be touched in a given moment.

You are not failing as a partner for not wanting to be intimate when they do.

You are human. You are whole. You are allowed to be exactly as you are.

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Trust Your Body’s Wisdom

When you cringe, that’s information.

When your body tenses, that’s a message.

When your stomach tightens, that’s a clue.

Your body is telling you: This is a no.

You are not wrong or bad.

You don’t need to override it.

You don’t need to talk yourself out of it.

You don’t need to make it more logical or reasonable.

Your body knows. Listen to it.

The cringe, the tension, the pulling away—these are not problems to fix.

They are truths to honor.

And edges to explore within.

Boundaries Create Closeness

You have been taught that boundaries push people away.

This is a lie.

Boundaries are what make intimacy possible.

When you can say no, your yes becomes real.

When you can set limits, your presence becomes authentic.

When you can honor yourself, your connection becomes genuine.

Resentment grows in the absence of boundaries.

Closeness grows in their presence.

The walls you’re afraid will separate you are actually the foundation that will hold you both.

Consent Is Not Too Much to Ask

Wanting to be asked is not demanding.

Needing consent is not high-maintenance.

Requiring respect for your body is not unreasonable.

Consent is the baseline of love.

Consent is sexy. Consent is intimate. Consent is care made visible.

Wanting someone to ask before touching you is not “killing the mood”—it’s creating the conditions for real connection.

You are not asking for too much.

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Your “No” Paves the Way for Your “Yes”

Your no is what makes your yes possible.

When you couldn’t say no, your yes meant nothing.

It was automatic. Obligatory. Expected.

Your authentic yes lives on the other side of your honored no.

Not before it. After it.

You cannot discover what you truly want when you’re constantly responding to what someone else wants.

You cannot know your desire when you’re always accommodating theirs.

You cannot find your authentic yes when you’ve never been allowed to say no.

When you know your authentic yes, you can create something mutually fulfilling.

Not one person pursuing and the other complying.

But both of you, checking in: What do I want? What do you want? Where do our desires meet?

This is where real intimacy lives.

In the space where both people can say no.

Where both people can say yes.

Where what happens between you is chosen—not performed, not obligated, but genuinely, mutually wanted.

Your no is not the end of intimacy.

Your no is the beginning of real intimacy.

So keep saying no when no is true.

Keep honoring your boundaries.

Your authentic yes is waiting for you there.

And when it arrives, you’ll know the difference between compliance and desire.

Between performance and presence.

Between what you think you should want and what you actually want.

You’re Reclaiming What Was Always Yours

For so long, you’ve been abandoning yourself.

Overriding your no.

Pushing through the discomfort.

Performing availability you didn’t feel.

You are not doing that anymore.

You are coming home to yourself.

You are reclaiming your body as your own.

You are remembering that your desires matter.

Your boundaries matter.

Your truth matters.

This is not selfish. This is sacred.

This is not withholding. This is wholeness.

This is not pushing love away. This is inviting real love in.

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When It Gets Hard (And It Will)

There will be moments when you want to go back to the old way.

When saying no feels too hard, too scary, too much.

When the guilt rises and whispers, “Just give in. It’s easier. He’ll be happier.”

In those moments, come back to this:

Your no is not a rejection of love. It is an expression of it.

Your boundaries are not walls. They are the foundation.

Your body’s wisdom is not something to override. It is something to honor.

You are not being difficult. You are being real.

And real is what creates lasting love.

Real is what builds true intimacy.

Real is what allows you to be fully present instead of performing.

Keep going. Keep choosing yourself. Keep saying no when no is true.

This is how you heal. This is how you become whole. This is how you create a relationship where both people get to be fully themselves.

You Are Not Alone

Countless women are walking this path with you.

Women who are learning to say no.

Women who are reclaiming their bodies.

Women who are setting boundaries and tolerating the discomfort.

Women who are dismantling the programming that told them they must always be available.

You are part of a quiet revolution.

And every time you honor your no, you are contributing to it.

Every time you set a boundary, you are healing the collective.

Every time you choose yourself, you are showing other women it’s possible.

Your liberation is not just for you. It ripples out.

To your children. To your friends. To every woman who sees you honoring yourself and thinks, “Maybe I can too.”

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Remember

You can say no, not now, stop.

Your no is enough.

Your body is yours.

Consent is not too much to ask.

Boundaries create closeness.

Saying no doesn’t make you bad.

You are not responsible for their feelings.

You are allowed to be exactly as you are.

And that is not only enough—it is everything.

ONE MORE THING…

If Your Partner Is Resisting This (A Word for Him)

If he’s thinking, “This is ridiculous, she’s changing the rules, this is going to ruin everything,” here’s what needs to be said:

You’re right. She is changing the rules.

The rules where her body was always available.

The rules where her yes was guaranteed.

The rules where you could reach for her whenever you wanted, and she would comply.

Those rules are changing. And that feels like loss.

You’re losing something that worked for you. Something that felt easy, spontaneous, natural.

You didn’t know it was costing her. You didn’t know she was abandoning herself. You didn’t know her yes wasn’t real.

But now you do.

And what you do with that information matters.

You can fight it. You can call it feminist bullshit. You can make her wrong for needing this.

Or you can get curious.

Ask yourself:

Do I want compliance or do I want connection?

Do I want her to say yes because she has to, or because she wants to?

Do I want access to her body, or do I want her to be present with me?

Because here’s what you’re not seeing yet:

When she couldn’t say no, her yes meant nothing. You were getting performance, not presence. Compliance, not desire.

What you thought was intimacy was actually distance.

And that’s what she’s trying to change.

Not because she doesn’t love you.

But because she does—and she wants to be able to show up for you authentically.

You think asking for consent is going to kill spontaneity. You think boundaries are going to push you apart.

But the opposite is true.

When she can say no, her yes emerges. And it’s a real yes.

When she has choice, she can choose you. When she’s free to decline, her acceptance actually means something.

That’s what’s on the other side of this awkward transition.

Not less intimacy. Real intimacy.

Not less connection. Genuine connection.

Not less affection. Affection that she actually wants to give.

But you have to let go of guaranteed access to get there.

You have to tolerate her no. You have to hear “not right now” without making it mean she doesn’t love you.

You have to give her space to figure out what she actually wants—which means she might say no more than she says yes for a while.

That’s the price of getting the real her instead of the performed version.

Is it worth it?

That’s for you to decide.

But she’s already decided. She can’t keep abandoning herself. She can’t keep performing availability she doesn’t feel.

She’s choosing herself. The question is: Can you choose to love the real her?

The one who says no sometimes. The one who needs space. The one who’s discovering what she actually wants instead of just accommodating what you want.

If you can—if you can be patient with this process, if you can hear her no without making it about you, if you can trust that something better is on the other side—you might discover a version of intimacy you didn’t know was possible.

But it requires you to let go of the old way.

It requires you to trust her.

It requires you to believe that her liberation doesn’t mean your loss—it means both of you get to be free.

The choice is yours.

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Some Ways You Can Take Your Journey to Your Sacred Second Half Further:

• I recorded a video about the crucial journey from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soulful second half! Get that here!

• Find me on Insight Timer, friend me on Facebook, and explore my Spotify playlist with all the podcast interviews I’ve been on!

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription, which directly supports my writing :)

I was recently on a call with over fifty people I didn’t know.

Based on the topic of the call, I had a strong sense that these were my kind of people—the kind I could feel safe and comfortable with.

And yet, as I sat there looking at everyone, a familiar feeling washed over me:

I don’t belong here. I’m different. I feel like an outsider.

It’s an old story—one that used to run my life.

In the past, that feeling would have sent me straight into one of two patterns:

🙊 Shrink and disappear a little—play small, stay quiet, and stew in the separation.

💪🏼 Suit up in armor—speak confidently, maybe even vulnerably, but with walls firmly in place.

(Yes, you can share vulnerably while armored. I’ve perfected that paradox. 😉)

But this time was different.

I saw what was happening—in technicolor.

This outdated pattern, still running silently in the background, kept me standing outside the circle, scanning for danger instead of connection.

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Calling Myself Out, With Love

Right there on the call, I decided not to let it run the show.

I had a quiet conversation with my inner protector—the part of me that still believes belonging is unsafe.

With so much love and appreciation for all the ways she’s been trying to protect me, I told her:

“Little one, we’re safe. We do belong.
We don’t have to assess if we fit in anymore.
We don’t have to play small or play big.
We can just be. And we’re okay.”

Then I did something that felt both vulnerable and powerful:

I looked in the eyes of each person on that Zoom screen and said out loud—

“I belong here.”

And then I added,

“And you belong here, too.”

✨ Something shifted. I felt it immediately. ✨

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The Moment I Belonged to Myself

That moment reminded me of something I’d been working toward for years and know intellectually but hadn’t yet embodied:

When we belong to ourselves, we realize we belong. Period.

We belong to life.

And when we stop questioning whether we belong (and instead trust that we simply do), we free ourselves to show up authentically—and to discover who our people truly are.

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Two Key Insights About Belonging

1. Belonging is an Inside Job

When we feel like we don’t belong somewhere, it’s usually because we’ve stopped belonging to ourselves first (likely a very long time ago).

Our ego steps in to “protect” us by creating separation—through superiority, inferiority, judgment, or withdrawal.

But that safety? It’s really a cage.

The real work is to reconnect with and accept ourselves first—to come home to who we are.

2. Inner Work Is Only Step One

Sometimes, healing internally naturally changes things externally—how we show up, how others relate to us, or how we feel.

But often? We have to consciously break the pattern.

That means choosing differently—showing up as the new version of ourselves on purpose, even when it feels awkward or uncertain.

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Belonging vs. Fitting In

I used to think belonging meant being accepted by others—being wanted, remembered, included, and invited.

But fitting in and belonging aren’t the same thing.

Fitting in says: Who do I need to be so they’ll want me?

Belonging says: Who am I? And I only want to be places where I bring my whole self.

We come into the world knowing we belong.

But over time, experiences teach us to doubt it.

Maybe someone laughed when we spoke our truth.

Maybe parental love was conditional.

Maybe being different was punished.

So we learn to edit ourselves—to blend, to please, to earn our place.

But the truth is, we already belong—to our breath, our bodies, our heartbeat…

…to life itself.

When we remember that, we no longer need everyone to choose us.

We choose ourselves.

And from that grounded place, we can find people and spaces where we choose to belong together—mutually, consciously, freely.

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Rewriting the Story

I’ve done so much work to belong to myself—to love, accept, and trust who I am.
But until that Zoom call, I hadn’t consciously chosen to let go of my old “I don’t belong” story.

It was still running quietly in the background, guiding my behavior in subtle ways.

So now, I’m rewriting it—moment by moment.

Since that day, I’ve noticed it pop up at the gym, in other group calls, and when meeting new friends.

And each time, I pause and say to myself:

“Nope. I belong.”

Then I rewrite the story right there, in real time.

✔️ I call myself out when I catch the pattern.
✔️ I reassure myself that I’m safe and okay.
✔️ I take awkward, brave little risks—mentally imagine ways we are more similar than different, energetically open myself up, engage in small ways, and possibly introduce myself.
✔️ I bring me—not the armored version, not the small version—just me.

It’s uncomfortable. It’s vulnerable.

But it’s also liberating.

Because I’m finally choosing to live in alignment with what I already know is true:

I belong.
And so do you.

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A Reflection for You

Where in your life do you feel like you don’t belong—especially in places where you want to belong?

Take a quiet moment to ask yourself:

• Am I trying to fit in, or am I allowing myself to belong?

• Do I need to deepen my belonging to myself—or is it time to consciously choose to belong differently?

Because once you remember that you belong—to yourself, to life, to this very moment—everything else becomes a choice, not a question.

Some Ways You Can Take Your Journey to Your Sacred Second Half Further:

• I recorded a video about the crucial journey from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soulful second half! Get that here!

• Find me on Insight Timer, friend me on Facebook, and explore my Spotify playlist with all the podcast interviews I’ve been on!

• The Whole Soul Way™ Self-Paced Journey is now available. Click here to learn more (and join).

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription, which directly supports my writing :)

What happens when we stop pretending to have it all figured out?

We all wear masks. They feel safe, familiar, and protective—like armor that shields us from judgment, rejection, or being seen as less than perfect.

But here's the thing about masks: while they protect us, they also block us from the very connection we're craving. They create separation when what we really want is closeness.

And I'm here, standing here at my kitchen counter, laptop open, and ready to tell you about how I want to show up differently.

About a mask I’m ready to remove.

But it's totally at the edge of my comfort (and safety) zone.

Here goes…

I want to stop hiding behind the mask of "knowing."

Here's what I mean:

When I'm with friends, family, or even on group calls with women in The Whole Soul Way, vulnerability flows pretty easily.

(Though even getting to this level of vulnerability and honesty has been a long journey).

In these settings, I more freely share my stories, struggles, curiosities, discoveries, and feelings.

It feels natural to be human and even messy.

The Sneaky Switch That Happens

But the moment I sit down to write an email or create a social media post, something shifts.

A protective part of me slides in—so subtly I don't even notice—and suddenly I'm writing from a podium instead of from my heart.

I can start with the best intentions to share something real and personal, maybe something I'm struggling with, but by the time I hit send, the words have been sanitized.

The stories have been forgotten.

The raw truth has been wrapped in coaching language.

Ugh.

It's like my mind quietly edits out the vulnerability and replaces it with safer, more "helpful" content—all without me consciously choosing it.

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What My Nervous System Is Really Doing

What's really happening is my nervous system is trying to keep me safe.

Writing to "everyone" feels exposed in a way that speaking to my intimate circle doesn't.

So my psyche whispers, "Just teach instead. Share lessons, not your mess. Be helpful, not human."

I know in my soul that we're all hungry for real connection, not more expertise.

We want to see other people living life and sharing their journey, stumbling, and getting back up.

And yet, even when I try to be that vulnerable in these more public ways, to people whose reactions I can't predict or manage, I armor up without even realizing it.

In my intimate circles, I trust that if someone doesn't like what I share, we can talk it through.

But with an unknown audience, my nervous system whispers old fears:

"What if they see your vulnerability as weakness? What if they use it against you? What if they no longer respect you? What if they hate you? What if they hurt you?"

I know it's a perfectly natural defense mechanism, rooted in very real experiences of being hurt when I dared to be seen.

But, daaaaamn, it's keeping me from the connection I long for.

I still spend way too much of my life trying to control outcomes instead of trusting the flow.

And I'm committed to letting go on a deeper level.

I'm still learning to trust. I'm walking this path of surrender, but most days I stumble.

I teach about letting go of control because I desperately need to practice it myself.

I'm ready to start catching this sneaky pattern when it comes to my more public self-expression.

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My Plan Moving Forward

• I need to remind myself that this mask WILL pop on faster than I can catch it. (Thank you, unconscious mind)

• And, when I notice, I'll take a moment to reassure my scared parts that while I cannot control other people's reactions, I am safe, I can trust that I won't abandon myself, and that we're going to be okay.

• Next, I can invite the softer, more tender me to explore what I really yearn to share–what it is that I'm struggling with, confused by, and feeling.

• Lovingly, I will work with this safety mechanism that's kicking in—remembering it's not the truth about what I should share, it's the fear that my mind is feeling.

• And, while holding all of that, I will keep trying to learn to write to you as a fellow human on the path, still learning, still questioning, still beautifully uncertain about so much.

Because maybe what you need isn't someone who has it all figured out—maybe what you need is permission to be imperfect, unsure, and messy while still being spiritual.

Maybe you need to see that you don't have to wait until you've "arrived" to start sharing your gifts.

→ Where in your life are you unconsciously "pretending" to know more than you do?

→ Acting more confident than you feel?

→ Wanting to be seen as more "put together" than you actually are?

You are NOT alone.

Let's walk this path together.

I'm real and I'm here.

And if you want to connect, comment below: where do you catch yourself putting on the 'knowing' mask or “being put together” mask, or “having it all together” mask? I'd love to hear your story.

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Some Ways You Can Take Your Journey to Your Sacred Second Half Further:

• I recorded a video about the crucial journey from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soulful second half! Get that here!

• Find me on Insight Timer, friend me on Facebook, and explore my Spotify playlist with all the podcast interviews I’ve been on!

• The Whole Soul Way™ Self-Paced Journey is now available. Click here to learn more (and join).

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription, which directly supports my writing :)

Subscribe now

One of the heaviest weights I’ve carried for most of my life was the fear of being too much.

For most of my life, I've danced around the edges of myself, carefully calculating how much of me others could handle before I became that thing I dreaded most: a burden. But I learned to do this at such a young age, and was so good at it, that I didn’t even know I was doing it.

Perhaps you know this dance too – the one where you give more than you take, speak less than you feel, and constantly scan rooms for signs that you're crossing invisible lines.

Always flexible and easy, going along with what everyone else wants to do.

But what if the very thing we fear—being a burden—is actually an invitation to the deepest kind of connection?

What if allowing ourselves to need others, and letting them need us, is where the real magic of relationship lives?

This is what we’re going to explore today. It’s only taken me two decades to get here, but it’s never too late!

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." — Rumi

When was the last time you held back your full self because you feared being too much?

What relationships in your life would transform if you allowed your complete, messy humanity to be seen?

The Burden Belief

Think of a garden where the most vibrant flowers are constantly trimming their own petals, afraid of taking up too much sunlight or soil. What beauty would be lost to the world?

For far too many years, I carried a belief that people only kept me around because I gave them more than I took. I felt I had to ensure I wasn't being more of a burden than I was being useful or valuable. My trauma and upbringing primed me to be hypervigilant…always watching, always ensuring that I was doing enough, thoughtful enough, good enough, and surely, never taking too much.

This hypervigilance wasn't just occasional – it was a constant state of being. I was perpetually scanning environments, facial expressions, and tone shifts, trying to detect the slightest hint that I was becoming "too much." I'd modulate my voice, edit my thoughts mid-sentence, hold back enthusiasm, all to ensure I stayed within acceptable bounds.

I wanted to be likable, easy to be around, someone who didn't rock the boat. But the truth is, deep down, I can be opinionated and strong-minded. I have a lot of ideas.

Sometimes I think differently than others do.

And I know I can be a lot.

But hypervigilance wasn't just about being likable – it was about survival. Somewhere deep in my psyche, I believed that if I wasn't useful enough, valuable enough, or pleasing enough, I would be abandoned or rejected.

This created a painful paradox: to avoid being a burden, I became a burden to myself. I carried the impossible weight of self-containment.

I wonder, what parts of yourself do you keep hidden away, afraid they'll be too much for others? How has this self-editing shaped your relationships? When you downplay your needs to avoid being a burden, who is actually carrying the weight of that sacrifice?

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I Am a Burden

I believe in confronting difficult words directly. Sometimes we try to soften the blow for ourselves—for example, to rebrand "burden" as something gentler, like "having needs" or "asking for support."

But there's power in naming the fear exactly as it lives in us.

"What you resist, persists. What you feel, you heal." — Carl Jung

Recently, in a meditation, I sat with this, repeating: “I am a burden. I am a burden. I am a burden.”

I didn't soften it. I didn't reframe it. I allowed myself to feel the full weight of those words, to let them resonate through every cell of my being.

This wasn’t a new idea I was grappling with. I’ve spent years feeling into and shedding tears around this wound.

But this time, what came back to me in the stillness surprised me:

“And you're worth the effort.”

Consider this: What word have you been avoiding that might hold the key to your own breakthrough? What would happen if, instead of running from it, you sat with it, breathed with it, even meditated on it as a mantra? What might come up from the depths when you stop resisting?

I’m Not Worth the Effort

Growing up, one painful core of my “story” wasn't just that I was a burden.

It was that I wasn't worth the effort.

I wasn’t worth the effort for the adults to try to do better, so as not to hurt me.

I wasn’t worth the effort to encourage me to be my whole self; rather, I needed to adapt and bend to others so they would be more comfortable.

I wasn’t worth the effort it would take to ensure I’d not feel like a burden.

I am well aware that many of my perceptions of my childhood were just that: perceptions. I’m sure my parents and other adults in my life didn’t realize that I was perceiving their comments, behaviors, and reactions in this way.

But I did.

Think about that for a moment. How many of us walk around with this unspoken belief that while we should accommodate everyone else's rough edges, our own jagged parts make us unlovable?

The deep wound is this:

“I'm not worthy of being loved for who I am, including my messy, needy, dramatic, or burdensome ways.

I have to be perfect. I have to accommodate you. I have to bend over backwards and morph like a chameleon so you don't have to feel uncomfortable, burdened, or inconvenienced.

But then I take on all the burdens. I adapt to your burdensomeness while suffocating my own humanity.”

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The Shadow of Neediness

Let's talk about a word that makes many of us cringe: neediness.

From an early age, most of us learn that neediness is bad – a character flaw to be overcome rather than a natural part of being human.

We hear phrases like "don't be so needy" or "stop being so demanding" and internalize the message that our needs themselves are somehow wrong.

But what if neediness isn't the problem? What if the judgment of neediness is?

"To need another human being is to be caught in the perpetual drift between hope and fear." — Pema Chödrön

There's an important distinction here. We each have a responsibility to meet our own unmet childhood emotional needs rather than unconsciously offloading them on others. This is part of mature adulthood – recognizing where our wounds live and doing the inner work to heal them.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't have needs or ask for help. Rather, it means understanding the difference between healthy interdependence and using others as emotional band-aids for our unhealed wounds.

When I expect my partner to make me feel worthy because my parents couldn't, that's outsourcing our emotional healing. When I allow my partner to care for me during illness while I practice self-compassion or listen attentively when we’re sharing something emotionally difficult for us, that's healthy connection.

Yet there's also something precious, even sacred, about allowing someone to meet those needs if they are offering and available for it. It's not a binary choice between complete self-sufficiency and emotional dependency.

Others aren't obligated to meet our needs, but having needs is also not bad or problematic.

In our culture of radical individualism, we've lost sight of an essential truth: humans evolved to need each other.

Our nervous systems are designed for co-regulation. Our psyches develop in relationship. Our entire biology assumes connection with others. And to deny this is to deny our fundamental nature.

So, when was the last time you allowed someone to meet a need you could have met yourself? How did it feel to receive that care? What stories did your mind tell you about what it meant about you?

The Sweet and Sacred Privilege

Two travelers were journeying through a desert. One carried a light pack, having left most of his possessions behind for fear of burdening himself or his companion. The other carried what she needed, sometimes struggling under the weight.

When a sandstorm hit, the traveler with the lighter pack had no tent to share, no extra water, and no blanket to offer warmth. In trying to be no burden, he had nothing to give when burdens came. The second traveler, though sometimes needing help with her heavier pack, had created the opportunity for them both to survive.

What if we all just acknowledged that we are, at various times, burdens to one another?

And what if that's not a flaw in the design of relationships, but the very point of them?

Hmmm.

In recent conversations with a friend, we were grappling with the concept of being a burden in relationships. We came to see that there really is a sweetness in recognizing we all have ways we can be a burden on others, and that this is actually part of what it means to be in a relationship.

Until we face and contend with our internalized belief that being a burden—having needs, desires, or preferences—is bad, we often end up in people-pleasing, self-abandoning dynamics in our relationships. Or even avoiding relationships altogether.

But the reality is, there are countless ways we burden each other:

• When you have a stomach bug and your partner cleans out your puke bowl

• When your spouse becomes your caregiver after a chronic illness diagnosis, requiring them to learn new skills and adjust their daily routines

• When you receive bad news, and your friend changes plans to be with you

• When your partner puts their career on hold so you can pursue a significant opportunity that requires relocating to a new city

• When you lose someone and your grief process takes longer than loved ones feel it should

• When we’re going through a hard time in our marriage, and every coffee chat with our friends is focused on that for more time than on talking about what everyone else is dealing with

I’m slowly learning that these moments of being "too much" aren't failures of relationship—they're opportunities for it.

They're the places where love proves itself real.

Where we see the action of love.

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The Sacred Burden of Care

Perhaps nowhere is this paradox more beautiful than in raising children.

The sleepless nights, the financial strain, the emotional demands, the physical exhaustion.

Parenting is objectively burdensome.

And yet, many of us find in these very burdens our deepest fulfillment and purpose.

I remember nights pacing the floor with a colicky baby, my body aching for sleep, and still feeling a profound sense that this difficult, demanding moment was exactly where I was meant to be.

The weight of my child in my arms, completely dependent on me, wasn't a burden to resent but a privilege to cherish. In those moments of sacrifice, I found meaning that no convenience could ever provide.

This is the mysterious alchemy of human connection: being relied upon gives us purpose, and allowing ourselves to rely on others gives them the same gift.

When we deny others the opportunity to care for us, to sacrifice for us, to inconvenience themselves for us, we may actually be denying them one of life's most profound sources of meaning.

And when we refuse to be a burden, we may be refusing the very experiences that would most deeply connect us.

Ram Dass and the Gift of Dependency

Ram Dass, a spiritual teacher I’ve learned from for years, who suffered a debilitating stroke in 1997 that left him partially paralyzed and with difficulty speaking, offers us wisdom on this subject. Rather than seeing his sudden dependency as a tragedy, he came to view it as "fierce grace."

"My physical limitations made me dependent on others," he wrote. "I'd been such a helper—that was my thing! I'd written about service with Paul Gorman in our book How Can I Help? Now I had to ask, 'How can you help me?'"

What's remarkable about Ram Dass's perspective is how he reframed what many would consider a devastating loss of independence.

"The stroke has given me another way to serve people," he said. "It lets me feel more deeply the pain of others; to help them know by example that ultimately, whatever happens, no harm can come."

His experience teaches us that there is a profound spiritual opportunity in becoming the one who needs help rather than always being the helper. Through his dependency, Ram Dass discovered new dimensions of connection and service that wouldn't have been available to him otherwise.

What needs or vulnerabilities have you been withholding that, if shared, might actually deepen your connections rather than damage them?

And let’s not wait to have a stroke to learn how to allow others to help US!

The Reality of Capacity

This isn't a one-sided equation.

Being willing to be a burden doesn't mean ignoring others' limitations or boundaries.

It's a dance between authenticity and responsibility.

When we show up in our authenticity, personal responsibility, and emotional maturity—and when we’re doing the best we can—then we each will have times when we're a burden.

And we're also willing to be there for one another's burdensome ways.

But crucially important is that people must be entitled to say no or not now.

We're all allowed to be at our capacity, to not be able to meet another’s needs in a given moment.

Now that I’ve healed this wound, it’s clear to me that this isn't proof that we're not worth the effort; it's recognition that no one is more important than another's limits and self-care needs.

It's always a dance between "How can I be there for you?" and "How can I do so without abandoning myself?"

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Getting Real

Let's be honest with ourselves:

You ARE too much sometimes.

I am too much sometimes.

You ARE a burden or will be at times.

We ALL can be.

That's part of being human in relationships.

The question becomes: Can we accept this? Can we sit with the idea that everyone is a burden at times, and everyone is too much at times?

This is what makes relationships more than just transactional, superficial, or fair-weather friendships.

We grapple with this together, we learn to set boundaries, we make sacrifices, we bend and flex, and we also have limits.

We are nourished both by being the helper and by being helped—by surrendering to others’ sacrifices they make for us, and by making sacrifices for them.

Ask yourself: In which relationships do you feel free to be "too much" sometimes? Where do you feel safe to need and be needed? What makes those relationships different from others in your life?

And where do other people help you, give to you, and meet some of your needs, but deep down, you have a hard time receiving them?

Turns Out, I AM Worth the Effort

I’m so blessed with a husband, family, and friends who have shown me that I really am worth the effort.

Yes, I’ve had to heal this wound, including learning to receive from others.

But they’ve also validated it to be true.

The people in my life who have put in effort – real effort – didn't do so because I've earned it through perfect behavior.

They did it because they believe I'm worth it:

→ My friend who sits with me as I process the same struggle in 100 different ways until I finally find myself and what’s true for me.

→ My husband, who initially fought to save our marriage and was not interested in personal growth, has come around to grow with me because he loves me that much.

This realization that I am worth the effort represents years of inner work.

It had to start with ME believing that I’m worth my OWN effort. My own effort to love and value myself. My own acceptance of my true and whole self, including the needy, burdensome (shadow) parts, too.

It wasn't an overnight epiphany but a gradual rewiring of those core beliefs through therapy, meditation, honest self-reflection, and allowing myself to be seen — truly seen — by others who didn't turn away.

When we carry a childhood belief, it can become so ingrained that it seems inconceivable that it’s NOT true.

It requires courage to question those beliefs and slowly replace them with beliefs that are more true. More nourishing. And more life-enriching.

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The Reciprocity of Carrying Burdens

There's almost a privilege in having someone who will be authentic enough to be a burden in some ways. Because so often the reason we're not a burden is that we're being careful and restrained: people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, playing small.

We’re not showing our true and whole selves.

We’re protecting others from us. From our truth.

But, then, we never get to experience the reciprocity of carrying each other's burdens together.

Even the burden of our authenticity. The burden of us having our own preferences and opinions that may rub up against others.

Inviting us to self-reflect, to communicate, to grapple, and to, at times, make sacrifices.

I used to think relationships were mostly about fairness – a carefully balanced equation where what I give equals (or exceeds) what I receive.

However, I've come to realize that healthy relationships involve an ebbing and flowing dynamic, where sometimes one person carries more and at other times, the other does.

"We are all just walking each other home." — Ram Dass

The Necessary Caveat

To be clear, this isn't about enabling takers or those who burden others by refusing to do their inner work or who don’t take responsibility for their bad behaviors.

There can absolutely be times when someone's demands are too much.

But in reciprocal relationships, each person ebbs and flows in their "burdensomeness," but generally contributes equally over time.

And that's where the sweet and very sacred privilege lives.

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To My Functional Self-Abandoners

I want to speak directly to those of you who, like me, might be what I call "functional self-abandoners." You're competent, reliable, and everyone's rock. You take pride in being the person others can count on.

You're good at taking care of yourself.

So good that you rarely let others see your struggle.

This pattern has probably served you well in many ways. Your independence is a real strength.

However, there is a shadow side when self-sufficiency becomes a shield against vulnerability.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel uncomfortable when others do things for me?

• Am I quick to say "I'm fine" when I'm not?

• Do I pride myself on never "bothering" others with my problems, or always being flexible and accommodating?

• Do I feel secretly resentful that others don't support me the way I support them?

If you answered yes to these questions, you might be caught in high-functioning self-abandonment. The path forward isn't necessarily dramatic change, but small experiments in allowing yourself to receive.

Next time someone offers help, try saying "Yes, thank you" instead of "I've got it."

Notice the discomfort. Breathe through it. There's healing in that space.

The Invitation

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." — Rumi

What would change if you believed, truly believed, that you are worth the effort?

Worth other people carrying your burdens sometimes?

Worth people going out of their way for you, sacrificing something they were going to do to help you out?

What if the very parts of yourself you've been hiding—the messy, too much, needy, imperfect parts—are actually invitations to the most authentic connections of your life?

Try this reflection: Think of someone you deeply love. Would you resent them for needing your support during illness, grief, or struggle? Would you think less of them for having limitations or needs? If not, why do you believe others would feel differently about you?

Maybe it's time we stopped seeing our needs as burdens and started seeing them as bridges – places where our vulnerability creates space for others to meet us in their full humanity, too.

The truth is, we're all worth the effort.

And in that truth lies our liberation.

A Practice of Worth

Today, I invite you to experiment with a simple but profound practice:

1. Notice when you're holding back a need, opinion, or authentic expression

2. Ask yourself: "Am I doing this because I fear being a burden?"

3. Take one small risk to express that need or truth using “I’d like…” or “I feel…” or a request, “Would you be willing…”

4. Observe what happens – not just in the response you receive, but in how it feels to honor your own worth

Remember that being worthy isn't something you earn through perfect behavior or by never inconveniencing others.

It's built into you, and it’s the foundation upon which all genuine connection is built.

What "burden" might you allow yourself to share today? Tell us in the comments!

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This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

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Your judgments aren't your enemy – in fact, they can be your guide to wholeness.

When you reflexively recoil at being called "selfish" or "lazy" or "disrespectful," you're not just protecting your self-image; you're revealing the doorway to the parts of yourself you've worked hardest to exile and disown.

Those moments when you find yourself feeling annoyed by or harshly judging others are actually sacred invitations to healing – each judgment a signpost pointing toward your own unintegrated shadows (“the me that I don’t want you to see”).

And walking through those doorways might be exactly what your soul needs to feel truly whole.

The Mirror That Makes Us Squirm

Most women I work with have a visceral reaction to certain labels. They abhor the thought of being called selfish. Or lazy. Or disrespectful. The mere suggestion makes their skin crawl.

I know that feeling intimately. The discomfort. The instinctive rejection. The internal voice saying, "That's not me. I would never be that way."

And then comes that uncomfortable moment in The Whole Soul Way program when we explore the "Cherished Self" concept and confront a profound truth: what we find most repulsive, annoying, or irritating in others is a reflection of something within us – something we've pushed deep into our unconscious mind, the thoughts beneath our awareness.

What we can call “our shadow.”

And then, unconsciously, we project these things—our own negative (or even positive) traits, emotions, flaws, or impulses, for example—onto others in order not to have to face them within ourselves.

And they reflect it back to us through their behaviors.

We all do it. It's part of the human condition.

And when we learn this concept, it can be liberating.

I often say that this is a part of you with which you have an unresolved and unexamined relationship.

It’s not that you necessarily want to become this trait or act out these impulses or emotions, but rather that your life will improve when you’re willing to meet and explore them.

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Why I'm Asking You to Face What Feels Unthinkable

I promise you, I wouldn't invite you to this challenging inner exploration if it weren't absolutely vital to your journey toward self-love, connection with others, and feeling at home in your own being.

Think of it this way – each time you reject an aspect of yourself, you're unconsciously repeating the wounds of rejection you've experienced throughout your life. Like tending to a garden while simultaneously pulling up certain flowers because someone once told you they were weeds.

To truly love ourselves, we must learn to welcome even the parts we fear are unlovable.

Rather than rigidly reject those parts we learned are “unacceptable,” it’s time to open up to a more nuanced and expansive relationship with these aspects of humanity.

And break the pattern of self-abandonment and self-rejection.

My Own Journey with Judgment

As Brené Brown beautifully articulates: "Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices... We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency."

I remember sitting in therapy with my husband, bringing up my judgment about him being materialistic.

Our therapist didn't teach us how to communicate better about my judgment or tell him to stop being so materialistic. Instead, she did something far more healing – she invited me to meet the materialistic part in me.

“What? In ME? Nah, I’m not materialistic!”

Once I got over my initial resistance, what I discovered surprised me.

I had internalized messages when I was young that wanting things was bad. And that I should be happy with what I have. Which led to shame for ‘wanting.’

And fear that others would label me as greedy or materialistic.

This meant that it felt scary and threatening for my husband to be materialistic. What will others think? What if people don’t like us?

It touched on my shame, which was too painful to bear.

So I unconsciously projected onto him - “shame on him for being materialistic” - so I didn’t have to feel it within me.

However, as I felt these feelings and reparented my inner child, I began to heal.

And I realized that this "materialistic part" wasn't some monstrous character trait.

And wanting things isn’t inherently bad.

Perhaps there are times when I can be a bit materialistic, right alongside the reality that I’m also generous and very careful in how I spend my money.

All are true.

And, despite my unconscious fears about exploring this “bad” aspect, I didn't become materialistic by acknowledging it.

Interestingly, once I stopped rigidly rejecting this aspect within myself, I was able to see that my husband wasn't nearly as materialistic as I had initially labeled him to be.

There I was, seeing my own disowned trait in my husband in exaggerated form.

Projection.

It’s been said that we must “eat our projections.” To look deeply within ourselves to find where the qualities we see “out there” live inside ourselves.

Eating our projections makes us more whole. One bite at a time.

Yum!

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Why I Now Welcome Judgment

This is precisely why I've come to love projection and welcome judging.

Each judgment offers us a window into our unconscious, showing us the parts of ourselves we've deemed unacceptable and pushed into the shadows.

Projection allows us to see the parts of ourselves that we fear are unlovable and unacceptable, which have been banished into our unconscious mind—into the shadows of our psyche.

Shadow Integration Work (the intentional act of using our judgments (projections)) to uncover the parts of ourselves we’ve hidden in the shadows of our mind) is the most efficient and effective way to access what's in our unconscious mind.

Perhaps it’s the ONLY way to see these parts of us clearly—by projecting onto others, seeing ourselves in the mirror of those around us.

And when we turn away, refusing to see our shadow, keeping it in the darkness, it haunts us and comes out in the most surprising ways.

As the wise Carl Jung once said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

When we understand this, we can stop judging ourselves for judging and instead harness its power.

And, we can release the energy we use trying to suppress parts and the suffering caused by believing our judgments.

Instead, we become consciously aware of our judgments and why we judge, which means we create the internal capacity to CHOOSE how we act in the world (rather than our trickster unconscious mind pulling our strings behind the scenes).

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Finding Freedom in the Drop

In The Whole Soul Way Program, I teach about allowing a "drop" of that characteristic you've been avoiding.

If you're always selfless, perhaps a drop of selfishness will help you set a boundary or stand up for yourself.

If you're always busy, perhaps a drop of laziness will allow you to enjoy an unproductive Sunday that nourishes your soul in ways nothing else could.

For me, integrating a small measure of materialism has given me space to appreciate little indulgences without guilt and fear, like occasionally flying on JSX airlines where we drop our car off at the valet and walk onto the plane, or my beloved Patagonia puffer jacket that makes me feel cozy, warm, and held.

The Delicious Middle Space

What's truly remarkable about shadow integration is discovering that delicious middle space where we don't need to deny anything, nor do we have to become anything.

We free up the enormous energy that was spent on rigidly NOT being something.

And in that liberation, we find the sweet spot called wholeness – a state so fulfilling it transforms how we experience both ourselves and others.

As shadow work pioneer Debbie Ford wrote, "Embracing our dark side gives us a newfound freedom to be with the darkness in others. For when I can love all of me, I will love all of you."

And, in fact, there is something called the “Golden Shadow” where we also discover that in our “shadow” also reside parts of ourselves that we’ve disowned that are where our gifts lie, even our latent strengths. Perhaps you were judged for being “too confident,” so you downplayed your confidence. Or for not taking things seriously, so you stopped sharing your hilarious sense of humor. Download my free "Shadow Work Starter Kit," where you can do the golden shadow to discover YOUR golden shadows!

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Your Invitation to Wholeness

Here's a simple practice to begin exploring your shadows:

1. Pick one judgment (something you're saying about another person or even yourself)

2. Ask yourself these revealing questions:

   • How do I avoid being this way?

   • How have I created my identity around not being this way?

   • Why am I afraid of being perceived this way?

   • How does being "not this way" limit my life?

   • How does it limit me to hold up the persona of being the opposite?

   • Even if I think it's wrong, what do people who are like this get more of?

   • What would become possible if I allowed just a drop of this quality into my life?

Please share what you discover in the comments below.

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Want to go deeper with shadow integration?

1. Read my blog post on The 5 Pillars of Gentle Shadow Integration

2. Download my free "Shadow Work Starter Kit" with the golden shadow exercise where you'll reveal new things about yourself and a guide and worksheets to explore what the shadow is and why shadow work is integral to your journey to be more authentic and love yourself

3. Watch my TikTok video about how the Golden Shadow gets formed

4. Watch my TikTok video about "disrespect" and how to work with this shadow

Remember, this journey toward wholeness isn't about becoming someone new – it's about finally meeting all the parts of you that have been waiting to be acknowledged, accepted, and loved back into the light.

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription, which directly supports my writing :)

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Have you ever felt a deep sadness that seemed to have no specific cause? A quiet ache that persists even whether life is going well or not?

If so, you're not alone.

In fact, it might be universal.

In our happiness-obsessed culture, we're often taught to view sadness as a problem to be solved rather than a teacher to be heard (I sure was!).

What if our sadness carries wisdom we desperately need?

My Journey with Sadness

I definitely feel a deep sense of sadness at times.

For most of my life, when this feeling emerged, I either ignored and suppressed it or tried to make sense of it by finding its cause so I could "fix" myself back to happiness.

Until I embarked on my own inner journey, it never even occurred to me to simply FEEL or BE WITH these emotions.

I automatically labeled them as wrong and bad, believing deep within that I was supposed to be happy—that sadness indicated something was broken.

This meant I constantly overrode these more subtle, "not-so-happy" feelings.

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Being Guided Toward Wholeness

But…because life always guides me (actually, everyone) toward wholeness, in 2020, I felt the internal nudge to reclaim "sadness" (whatever the heck that meant!).

Apparently, I wasn’t learning quickly enough and needed a little “help” breaking open because, in 2021, I broke my hip skiing and was forced to slow down and face myself.

Did you know that the hips store what we don't want to face—old memories, traumas, and uncomfortable emotions like shame and grief?

Thank you, Universe!

Since then, I've been committed to exploring and befriending sadness.

And each year, I'm taken deeper.

The Deepening Journey

It could be maturity.

Or facing my mortality in new ways.

Or this journey to reconnect with all of who I am, to my depths, to my full range of emotions...

But recently, I've come to understand that we all feel some level of sadness, heartache, and longing.

Not just circumstantial sadness, but a deeper, more existential type.

That it's part of the human condition—and that it's okay.

(And I think it becomes more present and palpable as we enter and move beyond midlife.)

But, as humans, we naturally seek to ESCAPE these uncomfortable feelings—to fill the emptiness, quell the longing, and suppress the heartache in countless ways—by fixing, eating, shopping, scrolling, etc.

"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." — Rainer Maria Rilke

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It requires a lot of diligence and practice for me to intentionally create space to be present with these feelings rather than distract myself or run away from them.

But, as I do, I keep reaping the rewards.

Recently, I've been exploring something that has me curious.

It's not that I've never heard other spiritual leaders say this before, but for the first time, I've been experiencing it as a personal truth.

So, I've been wondering…

What If Sadness Is Actually Homesickness?

What if it's a longing to be ONE?

One with myself, with God, with all that is?

What if this existential sadness is us remembering what it's like to BE LOVE, to BE ONE?

And our heart breaks precisely because it hurts to experience the pain of separation from love and oneness?

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." — Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

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Today, in meditation, I felt this in a way I never had before.

I allowed sadness to guide me toward the always-present and available oneness.

I felt it.

While there, my guides, smiling and spilling over with pride, reminded me that being human is such a gift—even with its trials.

And to appreciate it all—even the separation, heartache, longing, and pain—because I chose to be here to experience the contrast.

(And, of course, for the purposeful evolution of my Soul.)

They reminded me that this human life is short, so seize all it offers...because soon, I'll be reunited with oneness.

Wink-wink, but to remember, also, that I'm already ONE with all that is! ;)

The Lesson I’m Learning

In embracing sadness as a sacred teacher, I’m reminded that the feeling of (and resistance to) sadness —and the longing I experience—is the compass that guides me home to myself.

That it’s not pointing to what's wrong with my life, but to a deeper truth.

My Soul remembers the truth of who I am—a being of infinite love temporarily experiencing the beautiful limitations of human form.

In the words of the poet, , "The well of grief, where all the difficult things can be known, accepted, and loved."

Perhaps in our grief and sadness lies our greatest capacity for wholeness.

Our existential sadness isn't a problem to be solved or a mistake to be corrected—it's the Universe's love letter reminding us of who we truly are and the larger thing we’re a part of—of “home.”

Sri Ramakrishna says life is a hospital: the Lord has sent us here so that we may cure ourselves of separateness and become whole.

And homesickness is a soul's whisper, reminding us of a comfort and belonging we've known beyond this earthly experience.

It’s a sacred recognition—our soul remembering its origin story, gently nudging us toward the “home” that has never actually left us.

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The Invitation: Befriending Your Sacred Sadness

So, I wonder, do you experience this existential sadness?

Perhaps sometimes believing that this feeling is a reflection of something wrong or bad in your life?

My question is…

When that familiar ache visits you, would you be willing to not rush to fix it?

And, instead, welcome it as an old friend carrying an important message: that your heart remembers your wholeness, the oneness and love that you are?

Allowing sadness to simply BE, perhaps touching something infinitely larger than your individual experience—a sacred connection to all that is?

"The cure for the pain is in the pain." — Rumi

Perhaps this sadness is something sacred that bonds us all.

That our sadness isn't something to overcome but a doorway to walk through.

Maybe by feeling it fully, we don't move further from joy but closer to the wholeness we've been seeking all along.

I'm curious—does this resonate with you?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

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We all know intellectually that life is finite.

But some of us carry a deeper awareness—whether through genetic testing, a medical diagnosis, advancing age, or simply a profound understanding of life's impermanence.

This awareness doesn't sit on the periphery of our thoughts but centers itself in our daily choices, whispering:

"How will you spend the precious time you have?"

I carry this awareness with me everywhere—with the meals I plan, as I watch my kids live their adult lives, when I choose how I spend my time—because I carry two copies of the ApoE4 allele, significantly increasing my risk of developing Alzheimer's disease.

But this isn't just my story.

It's about anyone who lives with the acute understanding that our moments are numbered and infinitely precious.

The Blessing of Knowing

People often ask if I regret getting tested—if knowing my ApoE4 status was something I wish I could undo.

In fact, my husband recently asked me this very question: "Would you do it differently? Not test yourself?"

My answer is an emphatic no.

This knowledge has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.

Far from casting a shadow, it’s illuminated everything.

It keeps me relentlessly focused on living deliberately and intentionally. It guides me toward savoring experiences I might otherwise rush through. It helps me make choices aligned with what I truly value, not what society expects. It motivates me to prioritize my health in ways I might have postponed.

The awareness of mortality hasn’t diminished my life—it’s magnified its beauty and clarified its purpose.

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A Question That Haunts Me

Here's a question that visits me in quiet moments:

If I were to develop (AD) symptoms in the next five years, would I regret how I'm spending my days now?

This isn't abstract philosophy. This is the practical reckoning that comes with being an ApoE4 homozygote. Research suggests my risk of developing Alzheimer's by age 85 ranges from 50% to 90%, depending on which studies you read.

But these aren't just statistics—they're the backdrop against which I make life decisions.

• Would I wish I flew out to visit my 82-year-old dad, 1-year-old great niece, and 20-something kids on the East Coast more often?

• Would I wish I had spent less time building my business and more time organizing family photos and documenting memories?

• Would I wish for more lazy afternoons with friends rather than another productive workday?

• Would I regret the launches and marketing campaigns instead of writing letters to my children containing everything I want them to know and remember?

• Would I regret rushing home for a Zoom call rather than having the time for spontaneous moments of connection at the gym or on my walks in the neighborhood?

The Beautiful Paradox of Meaningful Work

The complexity deepens because I genuinely love my work. The women I connect with, the transformation I witness, the purpose I feel—these are the source of great fulfillment for me.

In fact, I’m blessed to say that my work rarely feels like work.

Yet even meaningful work consumes time—time that could be spent documenting recipes my kids might treasure, organizing photos that tell our family story, or writing letters filled with messages that I long to share with my boys, so they have them when I can no longer deliver them personally.

This is one of the many delicate balances I'm trying to strike: honoring the calling to serve others while preparing for a future where my memory might fail me.

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Planning for an Unthinkable Future

I’m a bit of an optimist; perhaps sometimes, I even fall into denial.

Which means I rarely think much about actually getting Alzheimer’s Disease. I tend to allow it to motivate me to live fully, intentionally, and in good health. But don’t usually go down that dark path very far.

Recently, though, it’s been something I’ve been allowing myself to envision.

And feel into.

I’ve been contemplating what I want for myself in the event I do get Alzheimer’s Disease.

I've researched end-of-life options—including VSED (voluntary stopping of eating and drinking) and Dignitas. I plan to write letters to my future self that my husband could read to me should my cognition begin to fail. I've imagined gathering my family together for a ceremonial transition, if that becomes necessary.

These thoughts bring tears to my eyes, not just from fear, but from the stirring in my heart when I’m reminded how precious life really is—how sacred these moments we share become when we acknowledge their impermanence.

Embracing the Uncertainty

Perhaps the greatest challenge—and unexpected blessing—of this journey has been learning to surrender control and embrace uncertainty.

As someone who has always preferred neat plans and predictable outcomes, this hasn't come naturally.

Full disclosure…it still doesn’t. ;)

The truth is, despite all my efforts to optimize my health with all of the recommended lifestyle changes, I cannot control whether Alzheimer's will eventually get me.

This reality initially terrified (and paralyzed) me, but gradually it's becoming the doorway to new levels of freedom.

Would I regret all this focus on health if I still develop the disease?

No, because I feel stronger and more vibrant each day.

Would I regret not helping more people or not capturing every family memory?

No.

What I think I would regret is missing the present moment while obsessing about preserving it.

There's an irony here—I could become so consumed with documenting my legacy that I forget to create life worth remembering in the first place.

I'm learning to dance in this paradox: to capture memories while making them, to plan for tomorrow while savoring today, to acknowledge mortality while celebrating life.

There’s a level of peace I’m discovering along my ongoing journey to learn to not know, to control less, and to be present with whatever arises.

This doesn't mean abandoning my legacy projects or health practices—it means holding them lightly, with an open hand rather than a clenched fist.

It means inviting more love into my life, deepening connections with those around me, and experiencing each moment fully—whether I'm writing guidance for my children or simply watching the sunset with them.

The more palpably aware I become of the mystery of my future (because, let’s be honest, none of us knows what our future holds), the more I receive this as an invitation to live authentically now.

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Living in the Fullness of Now

I'm learning to inhabit this sacred space—between planning for a future I hope never comes while surrendering to the present moment.

This isn't about dividing my time or finding the perfect balance; it's about bringing my whole self to each experience, whatever it may be.

Some days, my soul may call me to work with clients, pouring my presence into their transformation or my wisdom into an article or social media post.

Other days, I may feel drawn to sit with old photographs, weeping as I remember the tiny hands of my children or laughing at forgotten moments.

Both are equally holy.

Both deserve my full presence.

What’s taken me a while to discover is that living fully means embracing not just the happy moments, success, and productivity, but also the grief, the fear, and the uncertainty.

That living fully includes slowing down and taking it all in.

When thoughts of cognitive decline, aging, or death visit me, I try not to push them away.

I sit with them.

I listen to what they have to teach me about what matters most.

The tears that come aren't just sorrow—they're recognition of how deeply I love this life I've been given.

This journey isn't about "legacy work" versus “purpose” versus "living my life" as though they were separate spheres. It's about bringing a legacy-minded presence to each moment—whether I'm crafting an email to clients, having a difficult conversation with my spouse, or simply feeling the sun on my face during an afternoon walk.

Every moment becomes a testament to how I've lived and loved.

I don't want to merely document my life—I want to fully inhabit it.

To feel its textures, taste its flavors, embrace its heartbreaks, and celebrate its connections. To let myself be touched by each encounter, each conversation, each moment of beauty or pain.

This is the fullest expression of who I am—professional, mother, wife, friend, Soul—living with both vulnerability and courage as the horizon of my future remains beautifully, terrifyingly unknown.

The Gift in the Diagnosis

There is, surprisingly, a gift in knowing I have this so called Alzheimer’s Gene.

It strips away pretense. It clarifies priorities. It makes the preciousness of each day undeniable.

When you can no longer take your future memory for granted, you cherish today's memories more deeply. When you can't assume decades of clarity lie ahead, you speak your truths more boldly now.

Perhaps that's the wisdom I'm meant to share—that living with the knowledge of what might come doesn't diminish life but illuminates its beauty in ways others might miss.

I don't know if I'll develop Alzheimer's disease. I'm doing everything in my power to prevent it. But I do know that the higher possibility has made me more intentional, more present, and more grateful for the moments of clarity and connection I have right now.

And in that awareness, I find a strange kind of peace—the peace that comes from living authentically with both the uncertainty and the precious gift of today.

What Would You Do?

I wonder sometimes what others would do with this knowledge, or what you would do if you were in my shoes at 54 years old.

Would you close your business? Would you travel more? Would you spend every moment with family? Or would you perhaps do exactly what you're doing now, but with greater presence?

I don't have perfect answers, only the commitment to ask better questions:

• What memories do I want to document that will sustain my loved ones if my memories fail?

• How can my work become part of my legacy rather than something separate from it?

• What wisdom matters most to pass along while I still can articulate it clearly?

• How might I serve others through sharing this journey authentically?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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Also…

• Find me on Insight Timer, friend me on Facebook, and explore my Spotify playlist with all the podcast interviews I’ve been on!

• The Whole Soul Way™ Self-Paced Journey is now available for FREE. Click here to learn more (and join).

Deb Blum is a Certified ARFP Brain Longevity Specialist. Deb is also an IIN Health Coach and has completed the coach training program for Dale Bredesen’s ReCODE protocol. She also runs The Whole Soul Way, an online program focusing on the spiritual, emotional, and psychological aspects of brain health.

The Moment That Changed Everything

I remember exactly where I was when I found out—alone in a bathroom in Hawaii, scrolling through my 23andMe results, completely unprepared for what I was about to see. As someone who has always considered herself an eternal optimist, I was 100% certain I wouldn't carry the APOE4 genetic variant that increases Alzheimer's risk.

After all, my mother's vascular dementia seemed explainable: the chemotherapy that had aged her brain, her vascular issues, her significant (unhealed) childhood trauma.

And yet there it was on my screen:

🫣 APOE4/4 😱

Two copies of the "high-risk" allele.

I stepped into the shower and collapsed in tears. Though I didn't know the exact numbers at the time, I knew this was a big deal.

Later, I would learn that while the average person has about a 9% chance of developing Alzheimer's by age 85, my genetic profile pushed that risk to somewhere between 50-90%, according to several robust scientific studies.

The landmark research from the Fundació ACE in Barcelona (2019) found that APOE ε4/ε4 carriers like me have approximately a 51-68% lifetime risk of developing Alzheimer's by age 85. Another important Spanish study (2024) by Juan Fortea and Victor Montal at the Biomedical Research Institute of Sant Pau, published in Nature Medicine, found that 95% of APOE ε4 homozygotes (carry two of the ε4 alleles, aka APOE4/4) developed signs of Alzheimer’s Disease in their brain or body fluids. And those physical signs were evident, on average, nearly 20 years before an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Also of note is that not everyone with two copies of APOE4 had other clinical symptoms, which usually are the trigger for an Alzheimer’s diagnosis, like severe memory, mood, and thinking problems. In other words, most APOE ε4/ε4 carriers will develop signs of AD in their brain and blood but that may never manifest into actual symptomatic disease.

But in that vulnerable moment, something profound was also born—a fierce determination that would transform my relationship with health forever.

This knowledge isn’t just power—it's liberation.

Discovering my APOE4 genetic status transformed my fear into purpose, reminding me that genetics may load the gun, but lifestyle pulls the trigger.

My journey shows that facing genetic realities head-on can inspire us to rewrite our health destiny through intentional living.

Understanding the APOE Gene

The APOE gene (short for Apolipoprotein E) contains instructions for making a protein that helps carry cholesterol and other types of fat in your bloodstream. Think of it as a delivery service for fats throughout your body, especially to your brain where fat is needed for normal function.

APOE comes in three common variants (called alleles):

• APOE2: The "protective" version. It's associated with lower risk of Alzheimer's disease and generally helps with cholesterol balance.

• APOE3: The "neutral" version. This is the most common variant in the population and is considered the baseline for risk assessment.

• APOE4: The "higher-risk" version. It's associated with increased risk of Alzheimer's disease and may cause the body to handle fats and inflammation differently.

You inherit one APOE allele from each parent, creating six possible combinations.

With my double APOE4 status, I inherited the higher-risk variant from both parents.

Having one or especially two copies of APOE4 increases your risk of developing Alzheimer's, though it's important to understand that:

1. Many people with APOE4 never develop Alzheimer's

2. Many people without APOE4 do develop Alzheimer's

3. The APOE4 variant affects more than just brain health—it can influence cardiovascular health, inflammation, and how your body responds to different diets and lifestyle factors.

The APOE gene isn't just about disease risk—it represents one piece of your genetic makeup that, when understood, can help guide personalized health approaches.

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Why I Chose to Know

People often ask why I wanted this information. Wouldn't ignorance be bliss? My husband, for instance, has no interest in knowing his genetic status.

For me, the answer is simple: I refuse to be owned by fear or uncertainty.

Knowledge allows me to take action.

As I often tell my clients, information becomes empowering when coupled with agency.

Turning Genetic Knowledge Into Empowerment

When the initial shock subsided, I realized this information has given me a precious gift—motivation to (really) prioritize my health and how I want to age.

After witnessing my mother's 15-year journey with dementia, including the devastating psychosis that developed in her final years, I felt empowered to build a personalized roadmap to, hopefully, avoid that path.

Full disclosure, walking this path hasn’t been without its ups and downs…progress and setbacks. And some of the changes I’ve implemented over the past five years initially felt like sacrifices.

I’ve often grappled with the internal conflict around “I just want to live my life now” and “what’s best for my long term health?”

And some changes, like reducing carbs and sugar, felt too hard to bear—so I didn’t start with those.

But by picking the “low-hanging fruit,” and allowing myself to take small incremental steps, these lifestyle changes have built upon each other.

They’ve become investments in a future I'm actively creating.

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And…The Unexpected Gift

The most surprising aspect of this journey has been realizing that everything beneficial for brain health supports overall wellness and well-being.

There's virtually nothing on my list of brain-protective strategies that doesn't also benefit heart health, metabolic function, inflammation levels, and general vitality.

At 54, I feel more vibrant and connected to my body than ever before.

I don’t strive for perfection—I still enjoy ice cream dates with my husband, popcorn when I (rarely) go to the movies, homemade birthday cake, dark chocolate, and other random indulgences.

In fact, creating a healthier baseline has given me more resilience and flexibility for occasional splurges without the guilt or harm.

I’m always learning and incorporating new healthy habits.

And sometimes, I fall right off the tracks, crash and burn, and have to find my way back.

I’m a messy human, after all.

As the poet Mary Oliver asked,

"What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

My APOE4 status has become a daily reminder of the preciousness of my life—which means I neither live for the future, nor do I only live for this moment.

Your Genetic Journey

If you’ve recently received results that concern you, please know you're not alone.

If you carry one or two APOE4 alleles, understanding your genetic landscape is just the beginning of the story—not the conclusion.

As a brain longevity coach and founder of Brain Health Horizons, I've created special coaching sessions specifically designed to help people navigate these complex emotions and transform them into actionable power.

The good news is that the science continues to evolve. We know more than ever.

Global meta-analyses like the one by Genin et al. (2011) found E4/E4 carriers had a 60.1% risk by age 85 for women and 51.4% for men. These numbers align with the Farrer et al. meta-analysis, which reported a 52.9% risk by age 85 for E4/E4 carriers.

While these statistics might seem frightening, they also reveal that many people with APOE4/4 never develop Alzheimer's—proof that our genes aren't our destiny.

And as we learn more, we’ll likely discover that addressing the proven modifiable risk factors can prevent or delay nearly half the dementia cases worldwide, as the 2024 Lancet Study suggests.

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Moving Forward with Purpose

Genetics may provide probabilities, but lifestyle creates possibilities.

And the choices we make today are investments in who we’ll be tomorrow.

If you're wondering whether to pursue genetic testing, ask yourself:

» “Would this information motivate positive changes?”

» “Would it help you prioritize health in a way you currently struggle to justify?”

If the answer is yes, knowledge might be your most powerful medicine.

If you know you’re the kind of person who might feel overwhelmed or anxious with this information, respect that about yourself.

This is a deeply personal choice that only you can make.

And my invitation to you is that you, too, make these lifestyle changes regardless. They are beneficial to all of us and can support us in living a happy and healthy second half.

Life remains beautifully uncertain, regardless of our genetic makeup.

The gift lies not in changing what we can't control, but in embracing what we can—our daily choices, our mindset, and our unwavering belief that we are more than the sum of our genes.

Resources

If you're interested in learning more about APOE4 and brain health, these resources may be helpful:

• Alzheimer's Association - APOE Gene and Alzheimer's: Trusted information about genetic risk factors

• ApoE4.Info: Community support specifically for APOE4 carriers

• The Bredesen Protocol (ReCODE): Dr. Dale Bredesen's approach to cognitive decline

• National Institute on Aging - Alzheimer's Disease Genetics Fact Sheet: Detailed government resource on genetic factors

• Meta-Analysis on APOE and Alzheimer's Disease: Scientific paper showing risk percentages for different APOE genotypes

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This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Also…

• Find me on Insight Timer, friend me on Facebook, and explore my Spotify playlist with all the podcast interviews I’ve been on!

• The Whole Soul Way™ Self-Paced Journey is now available for FREE. Click here to learn more (and join).

Deb Blum is a Certified ARFP Brain Longevity Specialist. Deb is also an IIN Health Coach and has completed the coach training program for Dale Bredesen’s ReCODE protocol. She also runs The Whole Soul Way, an online program focusing on the spiritual, emotional, and psychological aspects of brain health.

When I was 38 years old, I found myself at a crossroads, pondering who I truly was and what more life had to offer.

Okay, that’s bullshit.

I was falling apart.

The “me” that had it all together and had built such a “good life”…loved being a mom, was married to a doctor, and lived in a beautiful home in a wonderful community…was hanging on by a thread.

But you’d never know it.

A smile on my face, getting it all done, and keeping it all together on the outside.

It was foreign to me to feel such internal dissonance.

I’d spent my life in control, in charge of my destiny, intentionally creating the life and family I envisioned.

So, I couldn’t understand what was happening to me.

And there was no map for the territory I felt compelled to explore.

I was at an inflection point—the life I’d been living felt too small and confining. I was dissatisfied and unfulfilled. And I was restless for something more.

But I had no clue what “more” even meant.

Because I had no context for what I was going through, my beautiful brain, the meaning-making machine it is, sought to find a “reason” for this internal distress.

And, because there were some justifiable reasons to blame my marriage, “she” determined that my marriage (and husband) were the problem.

All this did was kept me distracted and stuck for a while.

Until I realized that what I was actually experiencing was a “midlife awakening.”

My Soul was tapping me on the shoulder, asking me to wake up and see that up until then, I’d been living a half-lived life—

—I had developed my external life so beautifully. 

But it was time to put the same effort into my internal life.

As Socrates said, it was time for me to “know thyself.”

So, my journey to awaken to ALL of who I am began.

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At a certain point in life, many of us find ourselves standing at an unexpected crossroads.

The path we've meticulously crafted thus far—with its carefully achieved milestones of career success, family, and societal approval—suddenly feels constraining, even hollow.

Are You Experiencing a Midlife Awakening?

Here are five clues you are:

1- Persistent Emotional Restlessness

• A deep, gnawing feeling that something is "off"

• Feeling simultaneously bored and anxious (and even genuinely happy and enjoying your life in many ways)

• Sensing a profound disconnect between your outer life and inner world

• An unexplainable sense of longing for something undefined

2- Identity Erosion

• Feeling like you've lost touch with who you truly are

• Questioning the roles you've played (perfect mother, dutiful wife, successful professional)

• Experiencing a sense of invisibility or irrelevance

• Struggling to recognize yourself when you look in the mirror

3- Relationship Dissonance

• Feeling emotionally distant from your partner

• Experiencing a lack of genuine intimacy (wanting it but also afraid of it)

• Recognizing that many of your relationships are based on performance rather than authenticity

• A growing desire to surround yourself with people who see and accept your true self

4 - Physical and Emotional Exhaustion

• Chronic fatigue that isn't relieved by rest

• Increased sensitivity and emotional volatility

• Unexplained physical symptoms (tension, headaches, sleep disruptions)

• A sense of running on empty, despite appearing successful externally

5 - Existential Questioning

• Asking, "Is this all there is?"

• Feeling an urgent need to discover deeper meaning

• Experiencing a heightened awareness of mortality

• A strong impulse to make significant life changes

• Feeling both terrified and excited by the possibility of radical transformation

This midlife awakening is not a failure or crisis but an invitation.

A profound call to something deeper: a journey of radical self-discovery and authentic living.

This is when we’re being called into the second half of life, where we move beyond meeting external expectations and courageously reconnect with our true selves, heal old wounds, and create a life of genuine fulfillment by turning inward and embracing our whole, limitless identity.

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The First Half of Life: Building Foundations

The first half of our lives is a time of striving, external expectations, and responding to the question, "What does life want from me?"

It's a time of building our identity, pursuing the lower levels of basic needs on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs—

—academic achievements,
—building careers,
—buying cars, homes, and all the things,
—finding a spouse,
—raising children, and
—cultivating a sense of community.

This stage is characterized by external achievements and societal milestones, laying the groundwork for adult life and fulfilling conventional expectations of security, stability, and success.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

As Abraham Maslow, in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation," published in Psychological Review, observed:

"It is quite true that man lives by bread alone — when there is no bread. But what happens to man's desires when there is plenty of bread and when his belly is chronically filled? At once, other (and 'higher') needs emerge and these, rather than physiological hungers, dominate the organism."

As humans satisfy lower-level needs, they become compelled to pursue higher-level needs like self-actualization and striving for higher levels of intrinsic satisfaction.

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The Call to Higher Levels of Internal Satisfaction

As was true for me, you may have reached midlife having ticked all these boxes but feel unfulfilled, restless, or disconnected.

It's a common experience:

You've done what you were supposed to and were told would make you “happy,” yet here you are, and something feels undeniably off.

Note: this is not wrong or bad. In fact, it’s important and normal. It’s because of this first half of life living stage of life that we create the foundation from which we can reach for more.

This is why when you’ve built a “good enough life,” you’ve likely built enough safety and security to feel called to move up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Whether you label it a midlife crisis, transition, breakthrough, or awakening doesn’t matter—

—recognizing it as an invitation to grow matters.

Midlife technically starts around 37.5 for women, but this invitation isn’t bound by age; it's marked by a longing for authenticity, depth, and purpose beyond family and societal roles, rules, and responsibilities.

In the second half of our lives, it’s the time to re-evaluate and unhook from those roles, rules, and responsibilities that have confined us and kept us smaller than we’re meant to be.

It’s time to reconnect to our true selves and reclaim our wholeness.

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When Did We Learn to Self-Abandon?

As children, we learn to prioritize our caregivers' happiness over our own needs. This adaptation is crucial for survival, as we depend on adults for our well-being.

Dr. Gabor Maté explains that children are biologically wired to seek attachment and approval from their caregivers, as this connection is crucial for their survival and development. This often happens at the cost of their authenticity.

Maté emphasizes that this choice isn't conscious but rather an instinctive response to ensure emotional and sometimes physical safety.

This is when we learn to turn away from ourselves (self-abandonment) and toward external measures of our “okayness.”

We become what we think is “acceptable” to others—seeking approval and validation from the outside world and cutting off from anything we fear will cause us to be rejected or abandoned.

The Mechanism of Self-Abandonment

This process of self-abandonment involves:

1. Adapting to our environment

2. Seeking external validation

3. Turning away from our true selves

4. Suppressing aspects of ourselves that might lead to rejection

Long-Term Consequences

As we grow, this adaptive behavior can lead to:

• Disconnection from “Self”

• Persistent fear of judgment, rejection, or abandonment

• Cycles of people-pleasing and self-neglect

• An emotional barometer calibrated to external factors rather than internal wisdom

• Vulnerability to others' opinions and societal expectations

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What Self-Abandonment Might Look Like in Real Life

Imagine a woman who…

…always says yes to more work, fearing that declining might make her seem incompetent or unlikable. This constant self-sacrifice leaves her exhausted and resentful, yet unable to prioritize her own needs.

…completely loses herself in the role of caregiver, neglecting her own interests, friendships, doctor’s appointments, exercises, and self-care. She feels guilty any time she does something for herself.

…attends events she doesn't enjoy or spends time with people who drain her energy because she's afraid of disappointing others or being left out.

…stays silent or agrees with others, even when she has a different viewpoint, to avoid potential conflict or disapproval.

…suppresses her true feelings, always presenting a happy facade to the world, even when she's struggling internally.

…gives up activities, TV shows, and interests she enjoys because her partner or friends don't approve of or understand them.

…continues to play a role in her family (e.g., the peacemaker, the achiever) that was assigned to her in childhood, even though it no longer fits who she is.

The Impact on Adult Life

Self-abandonment affects us profoundly:

• We become like leaves in the wind, swayed by external circumstances

• Our capacity for genuine happiness and fulfillment diminishes

• Forming deep, meaningful connections becomes challenging

• We may lead lives that look good externally but feel empty internally

The Path Forward

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change.

By gradually reconnecting with our authentic selves and learning to value our inner wisdom, we can begin to break the cycle of self-abandonment and move towards a more fulfilling, genuine life.

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Breaking Free from Self-Abandonment

Now that you understand self-abandonment, how it happens, and the consequences, you may wonder how to get out of this pattern.

Step 1: Awareness of Our External Focus

Most of us learn to fulfill external expectations while disconnecting from our true selves.

We chase temporary satisfaction through sensory experiences—dining out, shopping sprees, luxurious vacations—that momentarily fill, but ultimately mask, our deeper longing for genuine self-connection.

Step 2: Redefining "More"

When we feel an internal longing for "more," we often misinterpret it as a need for external gains: a better job, more possessions, a more romantic partner.

In reality, this longing is for MORE of our authentic selves.

Step 3: Cultivating Inner Richness

The next quest is to cultivate a rich interior life. This means:

• Practicing the art of turning inward

• Peeling back the layers of conditioning, masks, and armor

• Discovering who we are underneath those layers

• Exploring emotional depth

• Accessing our full range of emotions

• Becoming our own source of safety and validation

• Bringing more of our true selves into our daily lives

Step 4: Integrating Worldly and Spiritual Aspects

We don't have to abandon modern comforts to achieve spiritual depth.

The key is conscious engagement:

• Drive our fancy car knowing it doesn’t define us

• Enjoy good food intentionally

• Wear brand-name clothes while valuing our inner worth

• Binge-watch Netflix occasionally, balanced with self-reflection time

The essence lies in choice and consciousness—being in the world but not of it.

Step 5: Shifting from Doing to Being

The sacred second half of life focuses on how we show up in the world.

This might look like:

• Realizing we’re loved and valued for who we ARE, not what we DO

• Maintaining inner peace amidst life's challenges

• Aligning actions with personal values, even when they differ from societal norms

• Participating in society without losing our sense of self

• Balancing worldly engagement with personal growth

Remember, this transition is a journey.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you explore this new way of being.

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From Boat to Lighthouse

Picture a lighthouse anchored to a rocky shore—its foundation rooted deep in bedrock. As storms rage and waves crash, it stands resolute—unmoved by the chaos surrounding it.

We can be the lighthouse where the storms represent life's challenges and external pressures.

By developing a strong inner core of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and authenticity, we become like the lighthouse's solid foundation. Our values and sense of self are the bedrock upon which we stand.

While the waves of life's ups and downs continue to crash around us, we remain centered and grounded.

We observe the storms without being swept away by them.

Our stability comes not from controlling external circumstances, but from our unwavering connection to our true selves.

Reconnecting to Yourself

Imagine having an internal plug, much like one you'd plug into a wall.

You might unknowingly walk around with this plug, holding it out in front of you, seeking someone you can connect to—to validate you, make you feel good, or provide safety.

Your energy is dependent upon external circumstances—energy-providing or energy-zapping.

Most of us don’t even realize that we do this.

Imagine, instead, turning that plug around and connecting it to yourself.

Plugging you into your deeper self.

This act would transform you from self-abandoning into a self-validating, loving, and safety-generating machine—tethered internally and no longer reliant on external sources for these essential feelings and needs.

You have the ability to become the source of everything you’ve believed you can only get from others.

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When 'Good Enough' Is No Longer Enough

In the second half of our lives, we’re called toward our hearts and souls.

Called back to our wholeness.

Toward our truth.

Home to ourselves.

We’re invited to weave together our…

…strength with softness

…doing with being

…giving with receiving

…capability with vulnerability

…fast pace with slowness

…thinking with feeling

…certainty with wondering and humility

…surface life with depth

…mundane with profane

…boundaries with oneness

…toughness with tenderness

…head with heart

…resilience with dependence

…knowing with curiosity

…achieving with resting

…into the tapestry of the entirety of our experience as a human.

Remove the masks.

Soften the armor.

Drop the walls.

Unguard our heart.

To discover and reclaim ALL the parts we were forced to disconnect from to survive.

Our full power resides in our wholeness.

In the second half of our lives, we choose to thrive.

To live and love fully.

This isn’t about detaching from the world but integrating a richer sense of self within it.

Real fulfillment comes from knowing ourselves deeply and nurturing an internal relationship that's resilient amid life’s ups and downs.

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Leveling Up Through Self-Parenting

To ascend Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and enter the second half of life, we must become the nurturing parents we always needed and wanted as chlidren—healing and growing ourselves in the process.

This is called re-parenting oneself—acknowledging unmet childhood needs and fulfilling them for ourselves as the adults we now are.

We’ve learned that our problems are “out there.” That we have to change our external circumstances to be happy.

But what’s more true is that we must change our internal circumstances.

By tending to our inner child, offering tenderness where it was missing, we heal wounds that may be unconsciously wreaking havoc on our adult relationships and choices.

We come to accept and love ourselves the way we needed as children.

This process is confronting—it asks us to face our fears, heal our past, and change long-held perspectives—but its rewards are transformative.

We learn to navigate relationships from a place of wholeness rather than seeking others to fill inner holes they can't possibly fill for us.

Holes we must fill for ourselves.

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Creating Your Sacred Second Half

The sacred second half of life invites us to strip away protective masks and societal conditioning.

It challenges us to reclaim the parts of ourselves once exiled to stay safe and be approved of…and to embrace our complete, authentic selves.

This journey is about coming into the wholeness of who we are.

Embracing the soul's journey isn't easy.

It asks us to—over and over—turn inward, expand, and navigate through 'wobbly stages' and 'messy layers.'

This path requires us to continuously recommit to our soul's calling while acknowledging that evolving (and sometimes feeling like we've made no progress) is an ongoing part of the journey.

Your midlife awakening is not a problem to be solved, but an journey to be explored.

It's your opportunity to shed what no longer serves you and step into a more integrated, powerful version of yourself.

The journey begins with a single, courageous step:

Choosing to listen to the whispers of your soul over the loud expectations of the world.

So much awaits you on this adventure toward uncovering your most authentic self!

Are you ready to begin?

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If you’re resonating with this article, I want to make sure you’re aware that I have a self-paced online program, The Whole Soul Way™, that’s designed specifically to guide women, step-by-step, on this journey. It’s deep and life-changing and the women in the community are deeply caring, wise, and inspiring. When you’re ready, it’s there for you. Click here to learn more (and join)

Which of the five signs you’re in a midlife awakening resonates with you most?

Let’s discuss this in the comments!

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Some Ways You Can Take Your Journey to Your Sacred Second Half Further:

• Get on my email list (And get a free audio lesson about reparenting your inner child).

• I recorded a video about the crucial journey from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soulful second half! Get that here!

• Find me on Insight Timer, friend me on Facebook, and explore my Spotify playlist with all the podcast interviews I’ve been on!

• Here’s a great podcast to start with —> Self as Reflected in Relationships.

• The Whole Soul Way™ Self-Paced Journey is now available, and the price is discounted through mid-January 2025. Click here to learn more (and join).

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription which directly supports my writing :)

I'm going to let you in on a little secret about why I think most married moms don’t feel held or truly seen by their men.

This isn’t going to be true for everyone, but it might resonate with some of you.

I spent too many years hurting because I felt like my husband could NOT show up for me the way I wanted. I craved for him to prove he could handle all of me and never make me feel like I was too much. I wanted him to be able to hold my pain.

To know exactly what to say in any given situation.

And to be able to trust him to be there no matter what.

But no matter what I did, no matter how I asked for it…it never happened.

I could not understand why.

Until I finally got it.

Before I got it, I was convinced that it would never happen unless he did his inner healing work. That he needed to get a grip on his defensiveness.

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Allow me to illustrate how I expressed my emotions to him for most of our marriage.

I said things like:

"I wish you’d do more around the house without me asking. I don’t think you appreciate that I have a million things on my mind, always thinking about everyone and everything. I want you to do more. Why can't you notice what needs to be done and do it? I need to be able to trust that you’ll do what you say you’ll do. Otherwise, I might as well do it myself."

Let’s dissect this a bit.

I was speaking from a place of anger and resentment and was often bringing critical and attacking energy.

And yet, I wanted him to pull me close and hold me, to know that underneath those feelings were other, deeper, truer, and more vulnerable feelings.

I wanted him to draw me out and invite me deeper. I wanted him to FEEL me.

Do you think that’s what I got?

Nooo! Of course not. I came in too hot and activated his defensiveness, which shut him down.

I can only see this so clearly in retrospect.

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At the time, I felt so justified in my hurt and anger, and so disconnected from my heart that I didn’t care how I said it. I just needed to say it and thought he “should” hold my pain, be there for me, and say and do all the “right things” to make me feel better.

And for him?

He just didn’t want to upset me more. He wanted the pain of my attack to just STOP.

So, I never got what I wanted.

I’ve discovered that many factors kept me stuck in this pattern, which never got me what I wanted.

But I want to focus on what we can do to break this pattern.

For most of us, our hearts are guarded and armored up. We’re up in our heads. We’ve been conditioned to show up in more masculine ways—doing doing doing—all the time.

And we’re languishing because we are not connected to our hearts—we're living a half-lived life.

The whole truth is that we wish our husbands would FEEL us, but we only reveal our armor and weapons to them.

We don’t LET THEM feel us.

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A wise teacher once gathered her students and held out her closed fist. She said, "Try to open my hand." The students tried to pry her fingers open, but the more they tried, the tighter she clenched her fist.

Then, she relaxed her hand and opened her palm. "Now," she said, "the hand is open."

The teacher explained, "In relationships when we approach others with defensiveness and demands, they often respond by closing off. But when we open ourselves, showing our true vulnerability, we create a space for others to open up as well."

The secret to getting what we want is to journey from our heads to our hearts.

To drop our guard and open our hearts, to access our feminine depths and reveal our vulnerability, and to find and express our deeper feelings—our fears, tenderness, and soft underbelly—not just our thoughts and frustrations.

What that might sound like is:

"I put so much pressure on myself to get everything done, and it feels like it’s all too much. I feel a little angry at everyone for not noticing how much pressure I’m under, and it makes me want to cry. But it feels like it all needs to get done, so I also feel trapped.”

Who do you feel more connected to?

The guarded response?

Or the vulnerable one?

Of course, the vulnerable one!

Only when we become capable of showing up in this vulnerable, heart-centered way will we activate his masculine energy. When we speak from our tender heart instead of our guarded mind, we create the space for him to step up.

→ Our softness invites his strength.

→ Our uncertainty encourages his steadfastness.

→ Our vulnerability allows him to feel empathy.

→ Our “problem” turns on his desire to help.

By learning to soften our hearts and communicate from a place of genuine vulnerability, we can transform ourselves and our marriages.

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We create the conditions for our partners to show up as the supportive, space-holding men we've been yearning for.

This is where The Whole Soul Way comes in. It’s designed to guide you into your heart, teaching you how to access and express your deeper, more vulnerable feelings, shed the armor you've built up over the years, and rediscover your authentic, feminine core.

I call this Sacred Strength.

You can have what you want if you’re willing to journey into the depths of your heart and reclaim your full power and soft feminine strength.

The Marriage Edition of The Whole Soul Way is starting in October. DM me if you'd like to learn more!

Can you think of a moment when being vulnerable in your relationship led to a positive outcome?

Tell me in the comments!

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Some Ways You Can Take Your Journey to Your Sacred Second Half Further:

• Get on my email list.

• I made a video about the crucial journey from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soulful second half! Get that here!

• Ready to go from Household Manager (doing it all) to Cherished Partner (with more balance and flow)? Register for my upcoming workshop, which will happen on September 25th, to break the pattern of you over-functioning, leading to him under-functioning, without lists, weekly meetings, or micromanaging! 

• Looking for a community of moms reshaping their marriages for the empty nest years? Join The Midlife Marriage Revolution Facebook Group.

• The next Live Cohort, starting in October, will focus on midlife married moms diving deep into healing their marriages. While I’m not enrolling yet, I am having conversations with women who want to see if it’s a good fit for them. Send me a DM on Facebook here.

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription which directly supports my writing :)

In countless homes across America (the world?), there's a quiet revolution happening.

It's not marked by protests or public declarations, but rather by the internal stirrings of women who find themselves at a crossroads they never expected to face. These are the wives and mothers who have dedicated themselves to their family…to personal growth, to breaking generational patterns, and to raising emotionally healthy children.

From the outside, their lives might seem picture-perfect: 2.5 children, comfortable homes, brand-name clothes, and nice vacations.

But beneath this carefully cultivated surface lies a painful truth: many of these women are suffering in silence, caught in a struggle between their evolving selves and marriages that have remained stubbornly static.

The journey typically begins innocently enough.

A woman picks up a self-help book, attends a parenting seminar, or starts therapy to address some nagging issue. She's motivated by a desire to be a better parent, to break free from the dysfunctional patterns she witnessed in her own childhood. As she delves deeper into this work, she experiences breakthroughs and powerful moments of self-discovery. She feels herself changing, growing, evolving.

But as she blossoms, she begins to notice a widening gap between herself and her husband. He's often a good man, a provider, someone who loves his family. He might be a Baby Boomer or Gen X-er who prides himself on stability, certainty, and maintaining the status quo. While she's eager to discuss her latest insights or try new communication techniques, he seems content with things as they are. Her attempts to share her growth are met with indifference, confusion, or sometimes outright resistance.

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This is where the silent suffering begins.

These women find themselves caught in an agonizing dilemma. On one hand, they're more self-aware than ever before. They've tasted personal growth and glimpsed the possibility of a more fulfilling life. They long for deeper emotional connection, for a partner who will grow alongside them, for a relationship that reflects their evolving values and aspirations.

On the other hand, they're acutely aware of what they stand to lose by disrupting the status quo. They worry about the impact on their children, even if those children are older. They fear the financial and social repercussions of divorce. They grapple with guilt, wondering if they're being selfish for wanting more when their lives are "good enough."

So they suffer in silence.

They push down their feelings of discontent, telling themselves they should be grateful for what they have. They throw themselves into parenting, friendships, careers, or travel – anything to distract from the gnawing emptiness in their marriages. They might even redouble their efforts at self-improvement, hoping that if they just work hard enough on themselves, their marriage will finally improve.

But the reality is often the opposite. The more they grow, the more painful the disconnect becomes. They feel increasingly alone, even when surrounded by family. They oscillate between numbness and despair, between resignation and resentment. Some fantasize about leaving, then feel ashamed for even considering it.

This silent struggle takes a toll. It can manifest as anxiety, depression, or physical ailments. It can lead to emotional eating, excessive drinking, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms. It can impact their parenting, their work, and their overall zest for life.

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The tragedy is that many of these women believe they're alone in this struggle.

They look around and see other couples who seem happy, unaware that many are fighting the same battle behind closed doors. They worry that there's something wrong with them for feeling unfulfilled in a "good" marriage.

But here's the crucial truth: this struggle, while painful, is not only common but also a potential catalyst for next-level change and growth not just for her but for the marriage as a whole.

For the women silently struggling in "good enough" marriages, know this: your feelings are valid. Your desire for growth and fulfillment is not selfish – it's a fundamental human need. You're not alone in this struggle, and there is hope.

The path forward may not be clear or easy, but it exists. Your journey of personal growth hasn't led you astray; it's preparing you for the next phase of your life and marriage.

The first step is often the hardest: breaking the silence.

Whether it's opening up to a trusted friend, a therapist, or your partner, giving voice to your struggles can be incredibly powerful.

It can be the beginning of a new chapter—one in which you're no longer suffering in silence but actively creating a life and partnership that truly fulfills you.

You deserve a life that's more than just "good enough." You deserve to thrive, to feel deeply connected, and to continue growing. And in seeking that for yourself, you open the door for those around you—including your husband—to do the same. On their own time.

Your silent struggle can become a powerful catalyst for change, not just in your own life, but in the lives of those you love.

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This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Some Ways You Can Take Your Journey to Your Sacred Second Half Further:

• I made a video about the crucial journey we must make from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soulful second half! Get that here!

• Ready to go from Household Manager (doing it all) to Cherished Partner (with more balance and flow)? Register for my upcoming workshop, which will happen on September 25th, to break the pattern of you over-functioning, leading to him under-functioning, without lists, weekly meetings, or micromanaging! 

• Looking for a community of moms reshaping their marriages for the empty nest years? Join The Midlife Marriage Revolution Facebook Group.

• The next Live Cohort, starting in October, will focus on midlife married moms diving deep into healing their marriages. While I’m not enrolling yet, I am having conversations with women who want to see if it’s a good fit for them. Schedule a call here. 

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription which directly supports my writing :)

  Subscribe now

There's a beautiful, romantic notion that permeates our culture: in a perfect relationship, partners seamlessly meet each other's needs. There's a certain sweetness to this idea—you fulfill me, I fulfill you, and together we create a harmonious dance of mutual care and support.

It's a yummy vision of intimacy and connection.

When we successfully meet each other's needs, it feels good. We feel like we’re in this life together, we’ve got each other’s back.

When your husband brings you coffee in bed, knowing that’s how you like to start your day, you feel seen and loved. When you listen attentively to his work concerns and provide the support he craves, your bond strengthens.

It's natural to want this and strive for it in our relationships.

But here's where reality often collides with this romantic ideal:

Sometimes, we can't meet our partner's needs.

Perhaps we aren’t capable. Perhaps we have wounding or other limitations that keep us from being able to.

Or we don’t want to. It’s a thought-provoking question—should one partner have to abandon themselves to meet the other’s needs?

Or we have kids, and life gets busy, and those sweet things we used to do feel like another responsibility and fall by the wayside.

Or perhaps more controversially—sometimes we shouldn't.

This is where it starts to get messy.

Is this a Dealbreaker or Catalyst?

Does it mean you have to get a divorce or settle for this partner who “doesn’t seem to care about your needs?”

I say no.

But, the prevailing advice on TikTok and in many relationship forums often paints a black-and-white picture, especially for women: if your husband isn't meeting your needs, they're selfish, and you should leave.

This oversimplified view can lead people to feel like victims, trapped in a narrative of "he's bad, I'm suffering."

It's an attractive perspective because it absolves us of responsibility and places all the blame on our husbands.

However, this advice often ignores the complexities of human relationships, individual growth, and personal responsibility.

Perhaps for some, this is a dealbreaker.

But, for me, in a long-term marriage with kids, I had to find a way through this (and I’m thankful for this).

I didn’t want to leave.

Or settle for unmet needs.

Or suppress my needs.

So what other options did I have?

Yes, communicate clearly.

Yes, be open to negotiating and finding something that works for both of you.

But if none of that seems to work, I was forced to consider that this might be a catalyst for personal growth.

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Soul Contracts and Unmet Needs: A Path to Wholeness

In The Whole Soul Way, I teach that our most challenging relationships can be our greatest teachers.

This perspective invites us to consider: What if your partner's inability or unwillingness to meet your needs isn't a failure but a form of spiritual guidance?

Perhaps this situation is part of a soul contract, an agreement made between you at a higher level of consciousness that nudges you toward personal growth and evolution.

It's a radical shift from viewing unmet needs as a relationship problem to seeing them as a spiritual catalyst.

“Soul lessons” are the growth opportunities our souls have “chosen” to experience in this lifetime. Often, these lessons come disguised as challenges, particularly in our closest relationships.

For instance, if you find yourself constantly craving validation from your partner, only to be met with indifference, it might not be a sign of an uncaring partner. Instead, it could be a divinely orchestrated situation designed to teach you self-validation.

By not meeting your needs, your partner might unconsciously be creating the perfect conditions for you to learn to meet those needs yourself—for you to mature and grow in ways that are aligned with your soul’s evolution.

Here's how this might play out in real life:

Sarah, a client in The Whole Soul Way program, always felt that her husband didn't understand her emotional needs. She longed for deep, heartfelt conversations, but he preferred practical problem-solving. Initially, Sarah saw this as a flaw in their relationship. However, as she embraced The Whole Soul Way principles, she began to see it differently.

She realized that this 'lack' in her relationship was pushing her to develop her own emotional intelligence. To her surprise, as she became more emotionally self-sufficient, her relationship with her husband improved. He felt less pressured and, ironically, became more open to emotional conversations.

Of course, I do not think you should tolerate genuinely harmful behavior. This is about recognizing the growth opportunities within the normal challenges of a committed partnership.

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The Unconscious Dance of Soul Growth

It's important to understand that this process is largely unconscious. When your partner doesn't meet your needs, it's not because they're intentionally trying to hurt you or force your growth. They're not consciously withholding to teach you a lesson.

The soul’s agenda operates beneath the surface of our daily lives, guiding us toward the experiences we need for our spiritual evolution.

From this perspective, your partner's inability or unwillingness to meet certain needs isn't a reflection of their character or their love for you. It's not that they're mean, uncaring, or bad. Instead, it's a manifestation of this deeper, unconscious soul agenda.

This unconscious interplay is what we might call 'sacred friction.' It's the tension that arises when two souls, each with their own growth paths, come together in relationship, creating opportunities for mutual evolution.

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." ~Carl Jung

In The Whole Soul Way, we believe that relationships are co-created experiences designed for mutual growth. Your partner's inability or unwillingness to meet all your needs isn't necessarily a failure in him. It’s not a flaw in your relationship; rather, it's a feature. It might be the universe's way of guiding you back to yourself, to your own innate wholeness.

In this light, every unmet need starts as a source of frustration, but when we become aware of it, we shift to see it as an invitation to grow, to heal, and to become more fully yourself.

The Reality of Childhood Needs and Self-Healing

Let’s take this one level deeper.

Many of our deepest needs, especially those rooted in childhood, can't truly be fulfilled by our partners anyway.

As adults, we must take responsibility for healing these wounds ourselves.

I know what you're thinking: "But why can't HE just do this for me?"

It feels unfair, even infuriating. We didn't get these needs met as children, and now we have to do the work ourselves?

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Re-Parenting and Healing Childhood Wounds

In The Whole Soul Way, we emphasize the importance of re-parenting ourselves to heal childhood wounds and fulfill our needs that weren’t met when we were kids. This concept goes hand in hand with the understanding that our partners, no matter how loving, cannot truly fulfill the needs that stem from our early experiences.

Re-parenting is the process of giving ourselves the care, validation, and nurturing we may have missed in childhood.

It's about picking up where our parents left off, stepping in as the parent we always needed and wanted.

Why Re-Parenting is Necessary

As adults, we often unconsciously seek to fulfill these needs through our romantic partners.

However, this approach is inherently flawed.

Here's why:

1. Our partners are not our parents: They have their own needs, wounds, and limitations.

2. Adult relationships are meant to be reciprocal: Unlike the parent-child dynamic, adult relationships thrive on mutual give and take.

3. Healing is an inside job: True healing and growth come from within, not from external sources.

The Empowerment of Self-Healing

In The Whole Soul Way, I show women how to recognize these unmet childhood needs and learn to meet them themselves.

Turns out, embracing the responsibility for our own healing is incredibly empowering.

Here's how:

1. Interdependence: By learning to meet our own needs, we free ourselves from emotional dependency on others, becoming emotionally whole and able to participate in an emotionally mature, reciprocal relationship

2. Empowerment: We reclaim our power to nurture and care for ourselves rather than waiting for others to do it for us.

3. Authenticity: As we heal, we can show up more authentically in our relationships, without the burden of unmet childhood needs and cultivate safety from within.

4. Resilience: Self-parenting builds emotional resilience, allowing us to navigate life's challenges more effectively.

This approach doesn't mean your partner has no role in meeting your needs. As you learn to re-parent yourself, you'll likely find that your relationship becomes richer and more fulfilling, built on a foundation of two whole individuals choosing to share their lives.

In the end, the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to take responsibility for your own emotional well-being. This leads to emotional maturity, deeper self-love, and more authentic connections with others.

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Translating This into Your Relationship

The goal isn't to eliminate all needs or to never rely on your partner. It's about finding a healthy balance where you can meet many of your own needs while still enjoying the intimacy of mutual care in your relationship.

By consciously addressing your own needs, you may find your relationship dynamics shifting in beautiful and unexpected ways, creating a stronger, more resilient partnership built on mutual respect and authenticity.

In The Whole Soul Way, we believe that true love starts with loving yourself.

Some Ways You Can Take Your Journey to Your Sacred Second Half Further:

• I made a video about the crucial journey we must make from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soulful second half! Get that here!

• Ready to go from Household Manager (doing it all) to Cherished Partner (with more balance and flow)? Register for my upcoming workshop, which will happen on September 25th, to break the pattern of you over-functioning, leading to him under-functioning, without lists, weekly meetings, or micromanaging! 

• Looking for a community of moms reshaping their marriages for the empty nest years? Join The Midlife Marriage Revolution Facebook Group.

• The next Live Cohort, starting in October, will focus on midlife married moms diving deep into healing their marriages. While I’m not enrolling yet, I am having conversations with women who want to see if it’s a good fit for them. Schedule a call here. 

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

If you’d like to support my work, here are some suggestions:

• ‘Hearting’ this post so others are encouraged to read it

• Leaving a comment

• Restacking if you think others would benefit

• Sharing via email or on social media

• Taking out a paid subscription which directly supports my writing :)

I was walking with a friend recently. She confided in me that she was bored out of her mind. Previously a stay-at-home mother and now running her own business, she’s found herself in a state of gnawing boredom as her kids have grown older.

Even as she pursues new hobbies or activities, nothing seems to quell that feeling.

This conversation got me thinking about the nature of midlife boredom.

Exploring Midlife Boredom

Boredom usually runs deep in midlife women—we’re often deeply bored with the life we've created, and we're bored with ourselves.

This existential boredom stems from how we've been living our lives: mechanically and transactionally, focused on meeting expectations and fulfilling roles.

We've been living out patterns from our childhood, doing all the things we're supposed to do as parents, professionals, and adults. Our minds are constantly racing, remembering tasks and doing what we “should” be doing. We're so caught up in our heads that we've become disconnected from our bodies, from our hearts, from our true selves.

When we try to address this deeper boredom, our instinct is often to seek external solutions. We look for new hobbies, adventures, or jobs. And there's nothing inherently wrong with this approach. When I first experienced this strong sense of being bored and restless in my life, I pursued training as a health coach, which led to my coaching practice. Sometimes, boredom can be a catalyst for positive change and creativity in our lives.

However, the problem arises when we believe that our boredom can only be solved through external means. We might feel temporarily enlivened by a new experience or activity, but the novelty eventually wears off. These are often just momentary escapes from our reality because wherever we go, there we are.

To truly address this boredom, we need to look inside.

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Where Boredom Comes From

This deep-seated boredom often arises because we've created predictable and safe lives. We do things we know we're good at, stick to what's comfortable, and dutifully fulfill our obligations and responsibilities.

While this feels familiar, safe, and secure, it's also boring because we are so much more than these limited versions of ourselves.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. ―Joseph Campbell,The Power of Myth

The opposite of boredom is aliveness. And wholeness equals aliveness.

Thus, the antidote to boredom is wholeness.

Becoming Whole and Being Alive

Wholeness is about coming into a deeper relationship with all aspects of who you are, intentionally, by:

• Balancing your tendency towards masculine energy (doing, achieving, structuring) with more feminine energy (receptivity, rest, softness), becoming comfortable with silence, a slower pace, and exploring the rich interior within you. You’ve become a master at your external life; now it’s time to turn inward.

• Journeying from your head into your heart—not negating the power of your mind but bringing your feelings into the equation as well. Feelings are where true aliveness resides. Often, we avoid our feelings because we associate them with negative emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. But beneath these surface reactions are deeper feelings that, when acknowledged and embraced, can bring a new sense of vitality to our lives.

• Expanding the way you communicate. Many of us get stuck talking about the transactional aspects of our lives—work, children, and daily schedules. But are we discussing the underlying emotions, our deeper thoughts, our true desires? Revealing our softer underbelly.

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Craving Connection to Ourselves

Along the way, as moms, friends, sisters, daughters, and wives, we may be so accustomed to considering everyone else’s needs that we forget about our own. We may have disconnected from ourselves.

This is why, what we're all craving—whether we call it restlessness, boredom, emptiness, or a longing for more—is essentially the same thing: more of ourselves.

The roles, rules, and responsibilities we've taken on in society can be incredibly limiting, making our lives so freaking boring.

What we truly desire is to access our emotional depth.

To be our ever-changing selves.

To not be boxed in.

To be a mystery at times.

To fully express the truth of who we are.

Especially as women, we’re designed to flow through our cycles and lives.

There’s an energy and excitement to this that most of us have lost.

“I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing.”
― David Whyte

Befriending Uncertainty

When we talk about being in the present moment, we’re talking about a moment of uncertainty—being in this very moment and not knowing what’s next. But our instinct is to control and structure our experiences, to make people and situations predictable. We feel safer when we can make assumptions based on someone's job, political affiliation, or opinions.

But when we become internally safe and authentically connected to ourselves, we can handle being anywhere, with anyone. Instead of feeling scared in unfamiliar situations, we feel exhilarated and excited.

When you say you don't want to be bored anymore, does any of this sound delicious to you?

To tap into a sense of exhilaration, adventure, and aliveness?

The path to this state involves becoming more comfortable with discomfort, uncertainty, unfamiliar circumstances, and unpinnable people.

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Meeting All Of Yourself

To access our wholeness and aliveness, you must be willing to meet parts of yourself you didn't know existed and remove the masks, armor, and guarding that constrict your life force energy.

Some women will tell me they love themselves, and that's wonderful.

But the question is: do you really know all of yourself? Do you love all of yourself?

Often, we love the version of ourselves that we've carefully cultivated and curated to be acceptable to the world.

But I guarantee you, since people who have done decades of deep inner work are still discovering new aspects of themselves, there’s probably a lot about yourself for you to discover.

There are parts of ourselves that we hide from others and even from ourselves, especially parts of our hearts that we don't feel safe revealing. Imagine if you could tap into these other dimensions of yourself, discovering so much more of who you are.

Boredom as a Guide

The deep nuance of what I’m talking about here is how to reclaim our true and whole selves in the midst of a boring marriage or life.

How to use boredom, especially in midlife, as a teacher and a guide.

Boredom is a feeling that tells us that there's more available, not in the external world but right here within us.

So when you feel bored, remember: it's not about the feeling itself.

It’s an invitation.

Turn toward boredom, sit with it, ask it what it has to tell you, stay present with the feeling, and allow it to show you the way.

There's so much more to discover right here, inside of you.

You don't have to go anywhere else to find it.

The adventure you're craving is right here inside of you.

And boredom is calling you to explore the magnificent territory within.

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This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

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I made a video about the crucial journey we must make from First Half of Life Living to Second Half of Life Living if we want to live a vibrant and soul-ful second half! Get that here!

One of the most important steps toward becoming more authentic and living true to ourselves is to uncover and honor our own truth.

I say uncover because our truth is there. It’s often just hidden underneath all of the “truths” imposed upon us by our parents, society, media, religion, etc.

And I say honor because so often, we know our truth, but we don’t honor it, and we keep it concealed.

The journey to uncover, honor, and then reveal our truth requires time, introspection, healing, and courage, but our health, relationships, and happiness depend on it.

There’s a connection between expressing our true selves and emotional well-being, and self-expression has been said to be an antidote to depression.

What Is “Speaking Our Truth?”

To comprehend what speaking our truth entails, it's essential first to recognize what it isn’t.

Here are some examples:

• Sharing a story about someone else

• Gossiping about others

• Parroting articles we've read

• Complimenting someone in a bid to be liked

• Saying yes or going along to fit in

• Repeating a trending viewpoint without reflecting on whether it’s aligned with you

• Giving all the “good” updates about your life, leaving out your struggles

• Saying the “right” thing to avoid upsetting others

Instead, it's a deeper, more intimate endeavor—one where we tease out our own true thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and feelings amidst the noise of societal expectations, conditioning, imposed belief systems, things we learned as kids, and ideologies.

How Do We Discover Our Truth?

We start by watching for moments when we aren't being true to ourselves.

For me, there’s a quiet voice or feeling inside that I became increasingly aware of as I began to practice this—a discomfort or feeling of angst when I was saying what I thought I should say to avoid conflict, to seek validation/approval, to fit in, to stay safe, or to avoid vulnerability.

Inner Barometer

We all possess this inner barometer, an intuitive sense that alerts us when we're veering away from our truth.

When we say something out of obligation or fear, we might feel a slight uneasiness—a tension in our chest or a churning in our stomach.

Recognizing this sensory feedback can help guide us back to authenticity, encouraging us to speak from a place of genuine feeling and thought rather than out of an automatic response, fear, or societal pressure.

The first and most important person to start telling the truth to is yourself. As you do this, you’ll build this muscle. You can then decide whether (and how) to tell the truth to another.

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Small Lies vs. Big Lies

We know if we’re telling a “real” lie—where we knowingly fabricate the truth.

But we often feel quite justified in our “little” lies and may not even be aware when we do it.

Consider how often we tell white lies to please others or avoid discomfort. We justify them because we don’t want to “hurt” the other or “push their buttons.” We think it’s kinder to smooth things over.

We may even think saying no is “mean” or selfish, so we say yes.

But, these seemingly innocuous small actions compound over time, creating a gap between our authentic selves and the roles and masks we present to the world.

This separation is more painful than we know, as it is stealing our life force and eroding self-trust.

A while back, when I was in the early stages of finding my truth, I would have said that I was a very honest person.

And then, I read a book called Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton.

I discovered I wasn’t as honest as I thought. And it was a bit of a wake-up call.

“We all lie like hell,” says Dr. Brad Blanton. "It wears us out...it is the major source of all human stress. It kills us."

While I’m not suggesting you adopt every tenet in this book (I found it a bit…well, radical), and it was a little hard to read, it illuminates how frequently we lie to ourselves and others in small, almost imperceptible ways.

And how bad it is for us—individually and relationally.

I took away three key messages:

• we all lie way more than we think we do,

• authenticity begins with truthfulness to ourselves and

• the truth will set us free.

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Walking the Path of Impeccable Words

One of my favorite and most recommended books is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

One of the four agreements is:

“Be impeccable with your word”—a commitment to speak with integrity and truth.

It’s about using the power of our words to promote truth and love instead of gossip, deceit (internal or external), or self-deprecation.

Living according to this guiding principle has been life-changing for me. It aligns seamlessly with the teachings from The Whole Soul Way, which emphasize that our words are not only a reflection of our inner world but, when impeccable, can help us become more authentic and tap into our emotional depth.

Two of the most painful things we experience are:

1. Separation from ourselves (from our truth) and

2. Not feeling heard and known in our depth.

And yet, so many of us don’t even know ourselves deeply and, therefore, can’t reveal ourselves to others.

We conceal, pretend, protect, and guard our tender hearts.

Which causes inner turbulence, stress, and disconnection—and is exhausting.

But we mend the inner separation and increase our chances of feeling heard, seen, and known when we uncover, honor, and reveal our true feelings and thoughts (perhaps initially unskillfully but ultimately with skill and care).

When we bring our truth and authenticity into our relationships, we have the power to create the intimacy and deep connections we long for.

And through consistent practice, knowing what’s true for us becomes second nature.

Courageous Self-Expression

However, speaking our whole truth may initially feel impossible. It did for me. It can feel terrifying to upset people and risk being rejected, humiliated, or abandoned.

This is why, to speak our truth courageously, we must first cultivate a deep sense of inner safety and self-confidence.

This journey begins with developing a strong relationship with ourselves—building an unshakeable foundation of self-worth that isn't dependent on external approval or validation.

This process often requires us to confront and heal old wounds, challenge limiting beliefs, and practice self-acceptance.

As we uncover and honor our truth to ourselves, we come to trust ourselves more. And this self-trust becomes a foundation for our courage and confidence.

As we grow more comfortable in our own skin, we become less afraid of others' judgments or potential rejection. We learn to source our validation internally, recognizing that our worth isn't determined by others' opinions of us.

This inner strength becomes the wellspring from which we can draw the courage to share our authentic selves with the world.

It's important to remember that this is a gradual process—we don't suddenly wake up one day baring our hearts, telling everyone every thought in our mind (actually, let’s not ever do that, haha), and revealing our deepest truths.

Instead, it's about taking small, brave steps—consistently choosing authenticity over people-pleasing or hiding—and learning to sit with the discomfort that sometimes comes with honoring and expressing our truth.

As we practice this, we not only liberate and empower ourselves but also give permission to and create space for others to do the same, developing relationships based on authenticity, emotional connection, and mutual respect.

Where are you on this journey? Please share in the comments!

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This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Thank you for being one of my readers! I appreciate you being here!

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Before 2010, I was a happy stay-at-home mom, planning playdates, caring for the home, and actively volunteering on the PTA and other committees at the kids’ school.

Before having kids, I had a successful career as an IT Executive at a large healthcare system and was a determined go-getter.

I was busy, busy, busy. Never saying no, always available to help.

I prided myself on working hard, being reliable and dependable, and being capable of handling almost anything.

But in 2010, I began to notice, beneath my polished and do-it-all exterior, an ache—a yearning for something more—a whisper from my soul that said, "There's more to life than this."

It felt like the “me” I knew myself to be was crumbling.

“Who is this person living this life?” I asked one day while pacing on my back deck.

The rational and logical me was having difficulty figuring out what was happening inside me. something was wrong, and I didn’t know how to fix it.

One day, while driving, I received two messages.

When I say received, I mean they popped into my head.

They felt “given” to me—like downloads—from God? My soul? The universe?

I don’t know.

But they gave me the guidance I was looking for.

I knew this was not just a “thought” because I had never heard of this concept before and had no clue what it meant.

No, really, I had to search on the Internet (was it called “Google It” back then? I can’t remember).

In this article, I’ll talk about one of these messages:

“You need to realize you are loved for who you are, not what you do.”

NOTE: The way it was phrased mattered—it wasn’t that I AM loved for who I am (that was a given according to this message), but rather that I must do what I need to do to REALIZE it. To know it for myself.

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I was truly befuddled by this.

I found the idea quite offensive.

The idea that one was worthy and mattered simply because they existed:

• felt like it negated the value of all I had accomplished. I didn’t like the idea that someone who didn’t work as hard as me could be seen as equally “good” and “valuable.”

• contradicted everything I knew—the deeply embedded idea that I was valued for what I do, what I offer others, how helpful I am, how I treat others, what I contribute, and even what others think how “good” I was.

I worked so dang hard to do what was GOOD and RIGHT.

And I wanted credit for all of that.

The belief that we need to earn our value as human beings was programmed into my unconscious mind so deeply that I couldn’t see it.

This was reality for me.

I didn’t even think about the possibility that my worth was in question because I WAS productive. I DID contribute. I GAVE more than I took.

Or the flip side: I was NOT a burden and was NOT needy.

I was so good at hustling to prove my worth that I never noticed an inner pang of unworthiness.

But, this little nugget: I “might” be valued for who I am…

…worked me.

It started to crack me open a bit.

I like to prove things to myself, so I took it on as a challenge.

Truth was, I was a bit burnt out on all the volunteering I was doing.

I didn’t like the idea that people might ONLY like me because I do things for them and I became curious if people like me for who I am.

I also noticed that my volunteering distracted me from my top priority: my kids.

So, I started to say no.

Well, that’s not fully true. I was NOT good at saying no, so it started out more like this:

1. I wrote up a volunteering rubric: A note to myself that specified what type of volunteering I would say yes to (when it was time spent WITH my kids) and which I would say no to (activities that took me away from the kids).

2. And I started to say, “I’ll get back to you.”

I was a people-pleaser, so I didn’t trust myself (yet) to make a good decision on the spot. This allowed me space to read my rubric and muster the courage to say no.

As you can imagine, as a people-pleaser, this poked at the part of me that worried people wouldn’t like me if I didn’t say yes. They wouldn’t want to be my friend if I wasn’t “adding value” to their lives.

(Is this unworthiness speaking?)

Much to my surprise, mostly, no one cared. They just moved on to the next possible volunteer on their list.

And my friends seemed to keep being my friends.

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This was the beginning of the journey to believe DEEP IN MY BONES that I am loved for who I am, not what I do.

Because the core wound is do I believe I am inherently worthy?

Do I feel this way about myself?

Not “do other people deem me as worthy.”

The healing was for ME to realize that I love MYSELF for who I am, not what I do.

For me to realize that my life matters just because I exist.

Not just existentially but personally.

You may think, “But in relationships, our behaviors—what we do and don’t do—DO matter.”

Yes. That’s true.

AND…the core message here is that our inherent worth and lovability are about how WE FEEL about OURSELVES.

It doesn’t mean we don’t DO, GIVE, HELP, etc.

But where does it come from? Are we hustling to prove our worth, believing others will no longer love us if we don’t do XYZ? Or are we coming from wholeness, giving, and doing from an overflowing cup of self-love?

Make sense?

Sooo…what I deeply desire for YOU is that YOU realize just how much you matter.

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In a world that celebrates outward success and productivity, you likely lost sight of this truth.

You came to question your worth and your value.

If you’re feeling any sense of emptiness, yearning, or a longing for more, I urge you to consider the possibility that you’ve been depending on your outward success and all that you DO to avoid feeling your inner lack of worth.

And this isn’t a sign of failure, it’s actually quite a resourceful adaptation and has likely served you well in many ways. It’s gotten you where you are today!

But if you want to live the next half of your life comfortable in your own skin, engaged in emotionally deep and fulfilling relationships, and true to yourself, it may be time to realize, for yourself, that you’re loved (and worth) for who you are, not (only) what you do.

This longing for “more” is an invitation to embark on a journey of self-love, self-acceptance, self-expression, and authenticity.

The “more” you seek is to feel more connected to yourself, to prove you’re worthy of your own care, love, acceptance, and attention.

Self-Love: The Foundation of Your Worth

Self-love isn't about bubble baths and spa days (though those can be nice). It's about recognizing your inherent worth, independent of your achievements or others' opinions. It's about treating yourself with the kindness and compassion you'd offer a dear friend. When you truly love yourself, you create a solid foundation from which to build relationships, navigate life's challenges, and make your mark on the world.

Self-Acceptance: Embracing All Parts of You

You've likely spent years trying to fit into societal molds, perhaps hiding parts of yourself that didn't seem acceptable. But true fulfillment comes from accepting all aspects of who you are—the light and the shadow, the strengths and the vulnerabilities, the good and the bad, the blessings and the flaws. Self-acceptance doesn't mean you stop growing; it means you grow from a place of wholeness rather than perceived lack.

Self-Expression: Letting Your True Colors Shine

When was the last time you expressed yourself fully, without fear of judgment? Self-expression is about allowing your authentic self to be seen and heard. It's about speaking your truth, pursuing your passions, and living in alignment with your values and desires. As you learn to express yourself authentically, you'll find that life becomes richer and more vibrant.

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Authenticity: Living True to Yourself

Authenticity is the culmination of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-expression. It's about living from your core, making choices that align with your true self rather than external expectations. When you live authentically, you no longer need to hustle for your worth or dim your light to make others comfortable. You show up as your whole, magnificent self.

The Journey to Wholeness

Embracing these concepts isn't always easy, especially when you've built a life around meeting others' expectations. But remember, you matter enough to invest in your inner world.

You've mastered the external; now it's time to cultivate your internal landscape with the same dedication.

This journey isn't about rejecting your achievements or the life you've built. It's about infusing that life with deeper meaning and fulfillment. It’s about you revealing the true you—even when it feels scary—and finding relationships with those who love you for who you really are. It’s about what you do in the world coming from the deep well of self-worth and authenticity rather than trying to compensate for lack from within through achievements and activity. It's about making an impact that resonates with your soul's purpose.

As you embark on this path of self-discovery and self-empowerment, remember that you're not alone. Many of us are walking similar paths, ready to support and inspire you. And most importantly, you have an inner wisdom waiting to guide you home to yourself.

You matter not because of what you do but because of who you are.

This journey to reclaim your authentic self isn't a personal indulgence—it's necessary to live a full life and reach your fullest potential, and it is a gift to your relationships and the world.

When you shine your light fully and unapologetically, you give others permission to do the same.

You contribute your unique puzzle piece to the world when you show up as your true self.

So take a deep breath, place a hand on your heart, and remind yourself: "I matter. My journey matters. Who I am matters."

From this place of self-affirmation, you begin to create a life that feels as fulfilling on the inside as it looks on the outside.

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Where do you notice you’re doing more than you want to?

Are you ready to dial back on the over-doing and building your worth from the inside out?

Share in the comments what your experience has been or what your first step might be on this journey.

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

Thanks for reading—I appreciate you very much!

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• ‘Hearting’ this article which encourages others to read it

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I think it’s about time to take back our country from extreme absolutism. Or is it absolute extremism?

37% of Americans call themselves politically “moderate,” a slight majority over those on the left or right.

But the loudest and most polarizing voices come from the minority: 9% Very Conservative and 7% Very Liberal (which includes or overlaps with the 6% of the public identifying as Progressive).

That means 84% of us don’t hold such extreme views and may be interested in more open dialogue.

But we’re staying quiet.

We’re busy “doing life,” honoring the nuances of being human, not wanting to get attacked, not knowing who we can trust to talk openly to, preserving our peace, and unable to get behind soundbites because we know that life is far too complex to boil down to a few talking points. 

For every strong opinion we hear, there’s a little niggling, “But what about _____?” 

But we don’t speak up.

According to Starts With Us, 87% of Americans are tired of how politically and culturally divided we are.

But who can compete with the extreme absolutists?

The ones who parrot the same lines repeatedly, using strategies to shame or rile up the more easily swayed? The ones who fight against the “other side.” Or cancel people who won’t go along with their ideology?

The ones who drive up media ratings and make media companies money.

It’s hard to compete.

I’ve talked to many people who try to engage in conversations with people with more extreme views, and they say it’s exhausting and futile.

So, what if we stop competing, convincing, or debating?

If we stop paying attention to the extremists (on the left, the right, or anywhere else)?

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And we stand together as proud moderates. 

Some will say that we must speak out, or we’ll be on the wrong side of history.

Or that we have to stand up for something (which means we have to come to “their side” and speak out) or we’re part of the problem. That we’re causing harm.

But aren’t we standing for something?

Aren’t we standing for really important things? Like…

Sanity, reason, curiosity, open-mindedness, getting closer to the truth, honoring of many viewpoints, respectful communication, courage, critical thinking, compassion and care for other peoples’ experiences, and balanced discussions.

We’re standing for something so important and critical at this time in our history that we may be the ones who have the power to change humanity’s future positively.

What if it’s our time to rise?

But we must resist the drama.

It’s like watching a car accident–we can’t stand to look, but we can’t pull ourselves away.

It’s so easy to become addicted to the lies, the extreme views, and the craziness. To read and watch in horror.

Our hearts beat faster because we’re so enraged or shocked.

A part of us may like being enraged—energy courses through our body and gives us a jolt of adrenaline.

But it also contributes to stress, steals our joy and time, and feeds the extremism.

It’s also easy to become addicted to beliefs and opinions that align with ours.

We feel comfortable when we read or watch something we agree with. Our brains give us a dopamine hit, which makes us feel satisfied and safe because we’re not disrupting the status quo.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with watching and reading the news.

If we consume many sources and consider different perspectives, we increase our chances of piecing together the bits into something that gets closer to something we might call “the truth.”

But some sources are on the edge of fiction - propaganda machines, lie repeaters, dogma spewers, conspiracy spreaders, provocateurs, and manipulators of our minds. 

And we can choose not to give them our attention. 

Neither the individuals, nor the companies, nor the parties, nor the politicians.

We can stop. 

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Let’s not allow them to suppress our voices.

We can choose to talk or listen only to those who can hold nuanced perspectives, are willing to talk across party lines, and are interested in sincere dialectical conversations where no ideas, questions, or opinions are shamed or too offensive. 

While we may have strong opinions and even lean more toward left, right, libertarian, or conspiracy, we Moderates tend to dance rather than plant ourselves. 

We’re open to new ideas. 

We have new ideas.

And when we suppress our ideas, falsify our preferences to fit in, and go along with others because it’s “easier,” we suffer.

And the world suffers.

We cause stress within us because we are MEANT to express ourselves.

We’re meant to have our own unique way of seeing things.

And the world loses out if we don’t share it.

When we suppress ourselves and others’ voices, we lose the thread of what the fabric of humanity is meant to be: a diverse tapestry with all colors, ideas, opinions, perspectives, values, and more.

Where none are objectively right or wrong. 

Yes, there are collectively right and wrong ideas. Where we, together, decide what we want for our society.

But individually, it’s time to bring our own uniqueness to the table and come together to explore diverse ideas. 

Each of us has a piece of the puzzle, and if we don’t speak our truth (even if it changes the next moment or with new information), problems may not be solved.

This means that even the most objectionable things must be discussed because each idea we reject may contain a nugget of truth.

Each person has had their own lived experiences that have led them to think the way they think.

And when we seek to understand, we just might be enlightened.

I say anyone willing to listen is worthy of being heard.

It’s time to Give the Middle a Mic.

This is one of the topics I’ll write about on this channel.

If it struck a chord with you, please share and subscribe. Thank you!

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

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I couldn’t hold back my feelings anymore, and with a lump in my throat, I asked him, “Do you think we’ll make it?”

My husband paused and looked at me quizzically.

We were out for a date night at Sushi Ran in Sausalito, California.

Our kids were 5 and 7.

I added, “You know, like, do you think we’ll stay married? Because sometimes, I worry we won’t make it.”

He didn’t miss a beat and said, “I think we will make it. We’re in a rough patch. We have young kids, and we’re in the thick of it.”

I know he was trying to be supportive, and you might think this was a loving thing to say.

But I cried. And cried. And cried.

(Which was very out of character for me.)

I’d been suffering alone with a deep sense of unhappiness that I couldn’t shake.

What I needed was for him to see how terrified, alone, and miserable I felt.

I needed him to acknowledge my pain and take it as seriously as it felt for me.

But he didn’t. Which left me feeling even more alone than ever.

I “should” be happy

We had a good life…

My husband was a good guy, an excellent provider, and an involved dad who cared deeply about me.

We worked well together in the practical matters of life and shared many values.

We didn’t fight much and navigated parenting and life challenges similarly.

We even had good conversations.

We lived in a beautiful home, had nice cars, and traveled to great places.

From the outside in, my life looked enviable.

So, why was I so unhappy?

On the brink of divorce

Over the next year, I would tell him what I wanted more of—romance, deep conversations, proactive help around the house…

…but no matter what he did, I wasn’t satisfied.

And I was sure we were headed for divorce.

We were the blind leading the blind.

Neither of us knew what to do to repair this marriage.

I regularly suggested therapy. He regularly said, “Now’s not a good time, but we will.”

He wouldn’t or couldn’t do what I thought he needed to do for me to be happy.

Stay or Go?

Eventually (and fortunately), we hit a crisis point that forced us into couples therapy.

When we entered therapy, I was angry, resentful, and filled with blame.

I fantasized about leaving—the place I would move to, how I would decorate it, and how I would feel.

But we had young kids, and I took that responsibility very seriously. They were my top priority.

I needed to ensure I had done everything possible to save this marriage before deciding to leave.

I didn’t want to miss out on precious moments with my kids and didn’t want them to miss out on having both of us in their lives full-time.

My heart ached when I thought about not being there to read to and snuggle them each night.

My heart also ached because something was missing, and I didn’t know how to feel better.

I didn’t feel emotionally connected to my husband.

I didn’t have any idea HOW to repair our marriage.

And I was frustrated and defeated.

But I didn’t want to leave.

And I refused to settle for a “good enough” marriage.

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It started with me

Our therapist used a rather unconventional method for couple’s work where she worked with one of us while the other observed.

Eventually, I learned that my relationship with myself was the most important relationship and was the foundation upon which my marriage was built.

And it soon became apparent that I didn’t have a good relationship with myself.

I was cut off from my feelings, had unhealed trauma, treated myself poorly, and didn’t love myself.

How could I connect deeply in my marriage when I felt so utterly disconnected from myself?

I had lived most of my life in my head and was being called to take the journey to my heart.

And to become the emotionally and spiritually whole and mature woman I was meant to be.

In retrospect, I see that what I longed for most was a relationship with myself.

What was missing was my connection to ME: my feelings, needs, fears, and desires.

Yes, of course, I wanted a deeper connection with my husband. But without a relationship with myself, anything we built would be on a shaky foundation.

He did it his way

I will forever be grateful that my husband and I finally went to therapy.

But the reality is that he wasn’t entirely on board. Most of the time I felt like he thought I was the broken one and he was fine. I would read, journal, take courses, meditate, go to extra therapy, and try so hard to fix our marriage.

He would say that he does his inner work, just in a different way.

For a long time, I didn’t believe it.

But the truth is, we’ve both come a long way. Each in our own way.

We’ve been married for almost 22 years now, and our marriage has been, hands down, the best catalyst for my personal growth, healing, and spiritual awakening.

And we’re happier than ever. Individually and together.

In full transparency, my marriage continues to be my greatest source of growth and healing. I’m proud of what we’ve created together. I’m proud that I’ve reclaimed freedom, fun, and fulfillment within the container of “married with kids.”

And I’m also proud that we’re continually growing, healing, and evolving together.

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

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What “Staying Married” is About

While ELATE is the name of my Substack, I’ll be writing on five different topics, one of which is “Staying Married.”

I hope to be an inspiration for married moms who are feeling similar feelings:

On the one hand, you feel like you can't bear the emotional distance any longer and fantasize about leaving.

On the other hand, you don't want to leave the marriage for many complex reasons.

And you also don’t want to settle for “meh.”

Time is running out, and you want more. You refuse to live the rest of your life in a dull, boring, and unfulfilling marriage.

You’re ready to take charge of your life, reclaim yourself and your own happiness, and ensure that your marriage is built on a foundation of self-love, self-trust, and inner safety.

What You Can Expect

Together, we’ll explore the edges of what’s possible when we marry ourselves first, allowing that to serve as the foundation for all other relationships.

We’ll explore the edges of the conditioning we’ve received that keeps us from experiencing freedom and fulfillment within the container of “married with kids.”

And perhaps you’ll learn a few things from me that will get you more of what you want more quickly than I did ;)

Be sure to subscribe to receive my articles in your inbox!

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And if you want to learn a bit more about my take on marriage and healing, you may enjoy this podcast episode here on Substack with :

Living in 3D: Divorce, Dementia and Destiny

Living in 3D podcast welcomes Deb Blum, founder of The Whole Soul Way

This is the first in a series of occasional podcasts featuring guests who have been my teachers along this journey of navigating the huge midlife transitions of divorce and dementia caregiving while not losing myself. In fact, with their guidance I’ve stepped more fully into myself…

Listen now

3 years ago · 5 likes · 4 comments · Amy Brown

The way I look at it, one of the choices we get to make in life is whether to

→ stay within the lines, or

→ expand beyond them

We can play it safe by comfortably staying in the bubble of what we know and what’s familiar. In this case, we often shrink ourselves to fit within the confines of lines of external expectations, fears, limiting beliefs, roles, and rules.

Or we can explore around the edges. We can ask questions, get curious, and push against what we think we know. We can put one toe on the other side and see if it’s safe before succumbing to our fears. We learn to build safety within ourselves and take some risks to chart new territories, discover new ideas, and explore what else might be possible.

» I’m here for those who choose door #2: to explore life at the edges (ELATE).

I’m here for the adventurers and questioners. The ones dancing in the middle. The curious seekers.

Those of us who care about doing the “right thing.”

But we’re willing to have our minds changed.

We know we don’t have all of the answers.

And realize that the “right thing” isn’t always obvious and straightforward.

We crave nuance, different perspectives, and viewpoints that honor the complexity of life’s challenges.

We wonder, “What else is possible?” “What am I not seeing?” “What if the opposite is true?”

Yes, it might be uncomfortable at times. And we may resist at first.

But deep in our core, we long for what brings us closer to the truth.

Closer to reality.

We don’t just follow the map as it was given to us.

We question the ideas and programming we were imprinted with.

We’re here to learn from the past, take what’s valuable from our experiences, and weave it into a new path forward.

We’re willing to excavate the layers of conditioning, programming, and beliefs imposed upon us so we can find our own “truth.”

Sure, it may feel easier to stick with door #1—to stay in the comfortable cocoon of confirmation bias, seeking out that which supports what we believe and basking in the momentary dopamine rush of safety and familiarity.

But, if we want to feel ELATED, we need to get closer to three things:

1. Experiencing congruence between who we are on the inside and how we show up on the outside

2. Feeling free (internally and externally) to express our unique thoughts, feelings, and perspectives in the world, especially if they’re divergent or unpopular

3. Being present with life as it is, rather than as we think we need it to be to feel safe and secure

This inner alignment, integrity, self-expression, and ability to have a direct experience with life as it’s happening is where pleasure and joy, hence, elation, reside.

And we get this by exploring life at the edges.

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What’s an Edge?

Think of an edge as a place within you where you start to feel a little uncomfortable—where you notice you feel scared, contracted, or resistant and may think you should pull back.

An edge is that point where you're being invited to go beyond what you know and where you’ve been–where some part of you is being asked to take a risk, get curious, explore, or do something different than you’ve done in the past.

It’s a place where you meet a challenge, an opportunity to explore your limits, an invitation to step away from what feels familiar and comfortable and expand beyond your current thinking, experience, or way of being in the world.

To see what else is possible.

But, the default way of living is to stay within the lines of the familiar or safe zone.

We all know someone whose life seems so small and regimented—they’re set in their ways—year after year, eating the same foods, watching the same news channels, getting the same haircuts, and living the same routines because they’re too afraid to do different, scary, or hard things.

It requires intentionality, courage, and commitment to challenge the edges of what’s familiar and comfortable.

To expand and grow.

In the short run, it may feel easier to follow the crowd, do what’s expected of us, silence our truth, and not rock the boat—but at some point, if we’re lucky, we find we can no longer live this way.

Because our souls long for more.

Our soul longs for us to free ourselves from external ideas, shoulds, beliefs, limitations, and pressures.

To find and speak our truth. To do what enlivens us. To rock the boat. To question the crowd.

When we reach an edge, we can acknowledge the fear, worry, desire to stay safe, and urge to turn back—and, instead, choose to do the inner work needed to create inner safety and expand our capacity to push beyond our perceived limits.

When we do this, we experience the thrill of being fully alive, elated, and inspired by our lives.

Not just living vicariously, not succumbing to the pressure to conform, but rather incrementally becoming free to bring our whole and true selves into everything we do.

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Living On the Edge

Somehow, Facebook has decided I want to see videos of mountain bikers riding on 6-inch trails on the side of mountains, skiers dropping out of helicopters skiing off-piste and narrowly escaping avalanches, and hikers crossing ice patches across treacherous crevices.

Dude, that’s some intense stuff, and I love (and cringe) to watch.

But, to be clear, exploring life at the edges is very different from “living on the edge,” where one is an adrenaline and excitement chaser, seeking increasingly more dangerous, risky, and thrilling experiences.

Exploring life at the edges is a more internal, emotional, relational, and spiritual process.

It may sometimes feel scary, thrilling, and risky and get our adrenaline flowing.

But mostly, it’s a gentle process of reclaiming our truth and wholeness, our access to the present moment, and our aliveness.

As I think about it…I wonder if that’s what we’re all seeking: To feel fully alive.

Here, on my Substack, we’ll be exploring these edges together.

You don’t have to agree with me. You don’t even have to like what I say.

But I invite you to allow it to push your edges a bit.

The more uncomfortable you are, the more likely there’s something in there for you, ready to be explored.

I’m glad you’re here.

This article was originally published on Inspire4Life. Read the original here.

One reason we have a hard time pushing beyond what feels comfortable, familiar, and safe is that it brings up fear, anxiety, anger, defensiveness, and the desire to run away! Until we know how to work with our emotional triggers, they’ll limit what’s possible for us and keep us from feeling fully alive and present. Get instant and free access to my 3 Keys to Master Your Emotional Triggers Guidebook here!