My heart is even fuller because of the wonderful people I have the joy of spending time with.

(I’ve also been giving it my all at Sparkle Stories!)

I hope to be back in the flow of sharing here soon. For now, I’m heading back to Montreal…

If you’ve been a paying subscriber, thank you! I’ve paused subscription payments for the time being, until my time and energy are freer and I return to creating and sharing.

Thank you for joining me on this ride!

music credit: Doria - Island Songs VII, Olafur Arnalds

These are my thoughts about pre-dating—before you put yourself on the apps or go on that first setup date. (I’m talking to midlife women, but this might be helpful to women of any age and stage.)

We can tell ourselves so many negative or scary stories about dating when we’re in our 50s and beyond. But honestly, parts of it have been awesome! I’ve grown so much, I’ve had some wonderful adventures, and I love where I’ve landed. I’m fairly convinced it would have gone even better had I used some of my own advice.

If you want to discuss any of this, or if you have questions, please comment below or email me! I would love to connect.

If you know anyone who could use this thinking, please forward this to them! The more we help each other at this stage of life—particularly with an adventure as perilous-feeling as dating—the better.

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Here goes! Five thoughts for you. The summary of each is below.

1. Dating is not the whole enchilada.

The best dating coach I’ve ever worked with is Julie Harper. In our very first session, she asked me three things. First: do I believe there’s a good match out there in the world for people? Yes, easy. Second: do I believe there’s one for me? I had to stop and sit with that one. I wanted to believe it, but I wasn’t sure I truly did. After working through some limiting beliefs, I said yes, I believe there’s a good match in the world for me.

She then offered her third: we’re going to build you an amazing life that you adore — and from that place, you’re going to magnetize a good match. Are you ready?

At the time I thought, great, yes, I love that. But later I really got it. There is such a difference between dating from a place of my life feels whole and delicious, come meet me here versus dating from I need a person so I can build a life. I started in the second place. Hungry. A little small. Can you imagine the difference of dating from each of those spaces? At minimum the former is MUCH more enjoyable.

What does your big, beautiful life look and feel like? What of your life is already big and beautiful? What would you like to grow? Start there. Dating is one thread of it, not the whole thing.

2. Look honestly at your attitudes about men.

This one might be a little spicy - it was for me. I’m speaking to heterosexual women here. If you want to be in a deep relationship with a man, it’s worth getting honest about how you actually see men. Do you have that internal eye roll? That consistent ugh, they’re so disappointing thinking that seems pretty common?

Years ago I found myself compelled by the work of Alison Armstrong, who talks about how we often hold men to the standard of an ideal woman — and then find them perpetually disappointing when they don’t meet it. But what if the standard is wrong?

I’m in a relationship right now with a really remarkable man, and I so appreciate and enjoy how he shows up — because how he shows up is genuinely different from how I show up, and I’ve come to find that genuinely beautiful.

3. Get clear about what you want — and write it down.

Basic. And necessary.

Know your must-haves, your deal breakers, and the ideal qualities you’d love in a partner. Because when you’re sitting across from a charming, funny, charismatic human, it is very easy to get swept up. It’s good to be able to say: is he consistent? Is he kind? Responsible? Is he curious about others? (Those were on my list.)

Mine changed over the years. The word I kept coming back to for a partner was grounded. And I cannot tell you how many delightfully ungrounded people I found fascinating along the way. Charming, interesting, all over the place — and ultimately disruptive to my nervous system. The list helped me stay clear.

Bonus points: make your list and then work on those qualities in yourself. I did that too.

4. Build your own security — financially and in your nervous system.

Looking back, when I first started dating, I was looking for a man to provide stability. Practical security, financial security, and nervous system security. I wanted someone to help me feel grounded and safe in all ways.

And here’s what I learned: that need can keep you stuck in a relationship that isn’t really right for you.

Do that work for yourself — understand your finances, make choices that feel solid and right for your life as an independent person. And then — this was the big one for me — build your own nervous system security from within. The regulation work I’ve done in that area has been some of my favorite learning.

When you can do that for yourself, something beautiful happens: you get to enjoy the regulation and presence that another person offers you, without depending on it. That’s a whole different experience. (It’s luscious.)

5. Learn your own pleasure.

I’m going to be a little bold here and just say it: know how to light yourself up from within — sensually, sexually, and otherwise. Know what feels good in your own skin. Whether that’s horses, cold water swims, movement, touch, all of the above.

Because when you’re already living in a body that knows life is yummy, I know how to feel good — and then someone joins you in that? It’s exponential. That’s all I’ll say on that.

These are the foundations I’d lay before walking into dating. And I want to be clear: I’m assuming you’re already doing the deeper healing work — the grief, the therapy, the unpacking of your own history. This isn’t a substitute for that. It’s what you build on top of it.

More soon. Part two is about actual dating, and I have a lot of thoughts.

If any of this resonates, I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Resources:

• Julie Harper, dating coach — instagram.com/iamherstagram/

• Alison Armstrong — alisonarmstrong.com/

Hi, you all. It’s Lisabeth here with an impromptu Mids Post. I’m working on a longer one about dating, but I have this to say today: you’re not meant to do it alone.

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I know there’s this idea that we humans are born alone, we die alone, we’re essentially alone. There’s that perspective, and then there’s also the spiritual understanding that we’re ultimately all one — God, the whole thing’s all one. We separate out to come down and have this human experience of separation, in which can feel terribly lonely, even as we remain connected to something greater that we’ve simply forgotten.

And then there’s the very American thing of independence — I can do it on my own. We see those models everywhere: the self-reliant, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps type. But it’s all just a story, because everybody is where they are because somebody else helped them get there. Our deepest, best healing happens with other people. We thrive in tandem with others.

I really deeply believe we don’t do it alone, and we should never be expected to.

I say to my kids all the time: we are a tribe. We will always be a tribe. My kids are out of the nest and doing their own thing so beautifully — and yes, there’s great joy and pride in watching them move through the world. I love my freedom too. And I’m also open to helping and being available to them at any moment. I have fantasies sometimes of living in proximity to them. But mostly I just want them to understand: we’re a unit. I’m your mother, you’re my kids, and we are going to support each other until the very end. We’re in it together.

I even think about that with my ex-husband and his wife — they’re part of that tribe too. We’re meant to love and support each other, ongoing.

This post is coming because a dear person today was in a tough place and said, “I have to figure this out by myself.” And I said: no. No, actually — that’s a fallacy.

There’s a reason loneliness is more dangerous for you than smoking over time. Studies have shown that people who are isolated and lonely have a greater risk of early death than people who smoke. There’s a reason for that. It’s because we are meant to be in community, in tribe, in connection. Introverts — bless you, you need your space. But ultimately, we all need to sense and feel our community around us.

We co-regulate with each other. That means our nervous systems impact one another. It’s why when a really grounded, settled individual walks into a room, most people gravitate toward them — and they shift the tone of everyone else’s nervous system in the process. For better or for worse, we help each other in that way.

Our deepest healing happens in community, in connection to other people. I honestly don’t believe we can deeply heal alone. It happens with others.

My deepest healing has absolutely happened within my friendships — in the reciprocal sharing back and forth, in holding space for each other, in the mirroring. In these last years of midlife, really cultivating deep friendships — with women and men both — I’ve done my greatest, most meaningful healing. Because I’ve finally come to recognize the value of those partnerships.

And I look so forward to being in romantic partnership to explore that dimension as well. I didn’t quite understand any of this as a younger person. I was raised on the American belief that I was going to raise myself up and do it all by myself. But not one person who is truly successful, healthy, and happy has done it alone. There are always others involved, always people who showed up.

I know I’m on a bit of a rant — but I’m saying this to you just in case it’s catching you on a day where you’re feeling alone, or like you should have to do it by yourself. That’s simply not true.

Seek partnerships. Seek support — family, friends, paid professionals. I’ve had coaches and therapists throughout my life, and I’ve made use of the other beings in my world. Because that’s how we’re meant to grow and thrive: in community, in partnership, together.

Drop the story of I have to do it by myself.

Sometimes that story — I am alone — is just a lens. A filter you’re seeing through. That’s been one of mine. I’ve said before: I’m really alone in this. But once you allow that lens to lift and you look around, you start to see that there is opportunity for connection, belonging, and healing everywhere.

So if you’re living that story today, please — put it down. Reach out to whoever it is in your world, whether that’s your best friend, the barista, your son, your grandfather. Whoever it is. Reach out and ask for some connection. See if that doesn’t lift your heart, your spirit, your whole experience a little.

Because we really are all in it together. And together, we make each other’s experience that much sweeter.

Okay. Wow — that came out in one go. I hope it helps. 💛

One of the things I know about us as humans is that we have what you might call lenses on our lives. Some people call them limiting beliefs — from family of origin, early formative experiences, we develop certain beliefs about who we are and the way life works. And they’re not always true.

One I carry around is: I’m all alone. Nobody’s got my back. I have to do life by myself.

Once you start to see and understand your limiting beliefs, you can look for disconfirming evidence and begin to unwind them. Because our brains will, in fact, screen for the things that confirm what we already believe. (It’s called confirmation bias.) So it’s up to us to say — actually, that’s not what I want to believe anymore. I’m going to look for evidence that I have tons of support, that I am actually dearly loved.

So. A couple of days ago.

Dating was weighing on me. I have very high standards for what I’m wanting — I want a very big thing when it comes to love and relationships. Someone who matches me in values and energy. Not necessarily personality energy, but in terms of their ability to go out in life and really live and feel. I’m lively. I want someone who can at least embrace that, if not match it.

I’ve met a lot of really wonderful people. But finding someone who truly aligns? It’s slow. And patience is not my virtue. I’ve only been at this for about a year and three quarters in this last chapter of dating, but I can still find myself thinking — what is happening?!?

So I put out a little prayer. Not from my best self, but from my honest self: I need a sign right now that there is a person for me, that he’s coming, and that it’s going to be great. I need a sign right now. And then — interestingly — a friend later told me she’d made the exact same little prayer on my behalf, without knowing I had.

I let it go and went about my day.

I was coming back from running errands — a dance class, I think — and I got onto the elevator from my garage. There’s almost never anybody on my elevator at that level. But there was.

A young man. Never seen him before in my life, though he lives in my building. He was coming up with a bunch of groceries, and he greeted me so warmly — Hello, how is your day? He was a cutie, probably around 28, tall. And I said, oh, my day is great! I lied, you know, as we do. And I asked how his was.

He said: I just got back from Dubai. He’d gotten out 45 minutes before they closed the airspace. He was really glad to be home.

By this point we’d already reached my floor, and I was propping the door open, because neither of us was ready to stop talking. You could feel his joy, his relief, his contentment at being back. And I looked down at his groceries and noticed something at the top with Arabic on it.

Where did you get that?

Oh, some of this is from Dubai — I brought back gifts for my friends. Like this chocolate. And then: Would you like to try some?

I’ve never seen this man in my life. I’m holding open an elevator door. And I said: Sure.

He pulled open this package — he’d already broken the chocolate into pieces — and offered me a beautiful square of pistachio chocolate. I took it, smiled at him, and said: Thank you. I’m really glad you’re home. Have a really sweet evening.

And I walked down the hall and I suddenly thought —

Oh.

There it was.

There was the universe saying: Love is everywhere. It is everywhere. Stop waiting for this one specific thing — this person, this relationship — that you think is going to make it all finally right. Love is everywhere. Sweetness is everywhere. Open your eyes and see how it’s already coming towards you.

And yes, I do think it was also a little wink — there are beautiful men everywhere, and you will eventually be really well-partnered. But in the meantime: accept the gift. Receive it.

I know this planet can be a really, really hard place. And I also know that in the hardest places, there is often the sweetest care of each other. Some people think we’re losing our humanity. I don’t. I still believe in the strength of the human heart and the human spirit. I believe there is beautiful love and kindness everywhere — if we just open our eyes to it.

I had to tell you that story as evidence. I hope it helps.

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I went out for a hike yesterday in a total funk.

There’s a lot going on right now — more than usual — and my head was doing that thing where it just won’t stop. Tracking this, worrying about that, rehearsing conversations, planning next steps. I go to the woods to get grounded, to get present, to get quiet. But my mind had other ideas. I was fighting with myself the whole way in, alternating between reaching out — help me, God, help me, universe, help me, nature, please help me land — feeling my feet on the ground for a few moments, and then spinning right back into the noise.

And then, almost out of nowhere, a thought dropped in:

Everything is a gift.

I sat with it for a moment. And then I decided to try it on. Not as a toxic positivity mantra, but as a story to tell myself — a lens to experiment with. What if, just for today, everything is a gift?

Something shifted almost immediately.

I noticed the buds on a tree — tiny, just barely there, the first sign of spring. I stopped to take it in. Amazing. That’s a gift right there. Then a male cardinal landed close, closer than they usually do, and sang. Didn’t fly away when I paused to watch. I could feel its song in my body. I stood there thinking, okay, there’s another gift.

My busy brain started applying the frame everywhere — the coffee waiting for me at home, the time I’d get to spend with my team (honestly the best team), each thing on my to do list. Each are a gift.

It transformed my day. Not in a dramatic way — but in a slow-down, look-around, oh way. Which, if you’ve heard me talk about nervous system regulation, is exactly the point. A regulated nervous system isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about being present. Having access to the full range of your experience. Moving through the world with a little more ease — which has a way of opening things up, for you and for the people around you.

Yesterday, it wasn’t breathwork or the tapping exercise that got me there. It was this simple thought experiment.

Now — I can already hear the counter arguments. Is the war a gift? Is illness a gift? Is loss a gift? I’m not going there, and I don’t think you need to go there either to make this useful. Let’s not turn it into a philosophical debate that keeps us stuck. Instead, let’s just play.

Right now, where you are: what’s the gift?

For me in this moment, it’s the chance to share this with you — which is genuinely one of the most energizing things I do. It’s the little rose plant from the grocery store that is thriving in the corner of my table. It’s the fact that I found a glasses wipe when I thought I was completely out, so I can actually see clearly. It’s a dinner invitation from a friend tonight that I’m unreasonably excited about.

Small things. Real things. Gifts.

So here’s my invitation: play with me today. Look at the person in front of you — the way their eyes crinkle, the way they move their hands — and let it be a gift. Look at the challenge on your desk, the concern you’re sitting with, the invitation the world is extending. Where are the gifts in that?

And notice how it changes the way you sit in yourself, in your day.

So I’m freshly reminded of the transition into empty nesting. So I want to talk to those of you that are there, wondering: “How in the world will I function after this? Where is my life and who will I be?”

This could also be because you’re at the end of a relationship, perhaps facing divorce.

Here’s what I can say from my own experience: Yes, there was great grief. Yes, it felt like there were giant holes. Yes, there was disorientation. Yes, it took some time to come to know myself differently outside of those—whether it was love, relationship, marriage, parenting—and to evolve my identity.

But here’s my main message:

There are places in you that you may not even know exist.

There are ways of being on the planet that you may not have even touched yet. There are delightful parts of yourself that are so ready to come forward and be given time and energy and attention and space.

What feels at first like a giant hole can then—with intention and with a little work—be filled with so much deliciousness. That is you. That is your creativity. That is your vision. That is your heart. That is your dearness with yourself. And for me, it’s also with the divine, with nature.

There is so much that can come flowing into what you perceive to be a giant hole.

I’m telling you this from my perspective, because I was there and now I’m here. Even this morning—I could feel it: “Oh, look at that dear part coming forward. Look at what I’m coming to know about this moment, about myself and what’s being asked of me, and now what I now have the space and time to commit to and go and do,” which is in service, I believe, to the planet.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that.

So if you’re in a place right now where you’re like, “How am I supposed to do life after this?” And you’re perceiving and you’re expecting this giant hole, or you’re walking into a place where something once was and now won’t be—just know that there’s so much of you that’s ready to fill that space.

And as much as I will hold you in grieving what’s changed, I will also celebrate you and moving into the next phase of your life. However, whatever that journey looks like.

If you’re in a moment of transition, I hope that helps.

Here’s last week’s episode about feeling your feelings.
I refer to my friend and coach Uma Sanghvi. (She’s amazing.)

TRANSCRIPT

Hey, you all. It's Lisabeth on September 11th. I want to make a follow-up to last week on this day when we're all collectively aware of the darkness that lives and is being made manifest in our country and our world. There's been a lot in these last years, and right now it feels very acute.

Last week I was talking about feeling your feelings, and I have some new awareness this week that is helpful to me and maybe it's helpful to you. Before I talk, I'm going to show you something that's been really helping me, that I learned from my coach, Uma Sanghvi.

A Simple Nervous System Technique

It's a super powerful, very simple body-based technique. You ready? It only requires your hands. This is a vagus nerve soother, helping to soothe fight or flight in the body. While you're listening to me, I encourage you to do this with me.

You're going to take your opposite hand and start above your ear. Stroke over your ear, slowly down your neck with a gentle touch, all the way down your arm—the outside of your arm—and come down to your ring finger. Hold that ring finger.

Just as I do that once, it feels great. We're going to do it three times on each side. You can hold your ring finger for as long as you like. If you want to stop the video to feel into how good this feels and feel your body relax, please do.

Taking Responsibility for Our Own Experience

The first thing we should always do is take responsibility for our own experience—our own mind and body, our own emotions. That means we spend time regulating ourselves and getting into a place where we are as grounded and present and heart-centered as we can be. When I get grounded and present, I am naturally loving. My heart opens.

Meeting Our Inner Darkness

Feeling your feelings and meeting your own darkness is essential as we meet so much outward darkness. The more that we meet our inner experience—all of the big emotions and all of the parts of us that we struggle with, what people call the shadow side (which might have come from hard early experiences or unhelpful early messaging)—the more we return to love.

Because we're ultimately loving that side as we're meeting it. We're loving ourselves. The more we return to loving ourselves, the more capacity we have to love and to show up in love, which is what is needed on this planet. We're also more resourced to take action. What we need are hearts and people taking action.

Coming Out of Collective Numbness

We also need to come out of our numbness. I saw an Instagram post from Dr. Raymond Nichols talking about the collective numbness, and I agree. We are numb because of the way we do our days, because of the way we let social media (or "screen media") numb us, particularly phone and app media. But also because we're not tending to ourselves and our own inner lives.

My Personal Experience This Week

I can tell you from this last week that the more I meet what's coming through—whether it’s because of the eclipse or the full moon or whatever—there's been a lot of intense emotion. Yes, it's in response to the world situation, and yes, it's in response to my own experience. But what I notice is that sometimes the emotions coming through feel disproportionate to what's actually happening in my life. Yet I still value it because it's wanting to move through me.

Right now I have so much safety and goodness. I'm up in the field where I live, with so much natural support and friend support that my system can settle. But in order to really settle, it needs to move some of the stuff that lives in there that keeps me clenched and anxious and numb.

Even though I'm sitting here talking to you about it, when it comes up, I think "No way, not now. I've done this work this week. I'm done. Where's my joy? Where's my deliciousness?" But then finally I say, "All right, let's go."

Last night was another example. I was extra tired, but I met some of myself—some of what was moving through—with love and time and space and compassion and breath and tears. On the other side of that is so much natural joy and delight in my own physical experience of being a human on the planet. I need almost nothing more than that.

The Result: Being Resourced to Love and Act

Here I am: resourced and ready to share, resourced and ready to take action, resourced and ready to love more. And we need more people like that.

I hope some part of you is recognizing this—that you have your way of doing this work and that it's incredibly valuable, particularly on a day like today, September 11th, that holds so much grief and trauma for the United States.

The more of us that are heart-centered, regulated, and calm—we naturally become kind, generous, and caretaking—the better our planet's going to fare. Whether you're grieving what happened in the United States or what's currently happening around the world, that needs room and breath and space and attention too.

Don't let it get stuck in yourself. Let it move. Honor it. This human experience is really a lot. And it's beautiful, and it's a constant invitation to grow and love more—whether it's yourself, others, or the planet.

I hope that helps. I love you all. I really do. My deepest wish is to be helpful, so I hope that I am.

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The course I reference: Ziva Meditation (Ziva Magic), teacher Emily Fletcher

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Transcript

Hey friends, it's Lisabeth. We're going to do a MIDS talk about dating. Are you ready? I know that if you're going into dating, whether you're a man or woman — (but you know, I talk to women) — the clearer you are about what you want and how you want it to go — what's okay with you and what's not okay with you — the clearer you are about human relationships and how they can go — the better this whole thing goes.

So I'm going to share my experience—the most hard-won lesson about dating today—in hopes that it helps you. This may be really obvious to a lot of you. Perhaps you're not wired like I am. Hopefully you've already got this dialed in, but I did not, and I am figuring it out here at age 55.

My Dating Journey

When I started dating, I was a mess. I didn't think I was. David and I had been divorced five and a half years, and we both started dating right before we were divorced because we'd been separated a couple years. I really thought I was ready, and I super wasn't.

This is why I say now: figure yourself out. Get your values and priorities straight. Really come to know yourself and what's okay and what's not okay. Learn from others about how to do this well. Hopefully I can help some of you not have the experience I had.

But at the same time, I will also say:

I've met some amazing men. I've had some amazing experiences. There are wonderful guys out there—very well-meaning, trying hard, showing up as best they can, right? As we all are trying to do. I've had some serious fun. I've gotten to do things I never imagined: concerts, travel, beautiful, lovely, lush experiences that have just been really cool. So I value so much of it. The hardest parts of dating, where it really just went awry, is where I learned the most about myself. So I am grateful for those too.

The Hard-Won Lesson

Okay, are you ready? My hardest-won lesson in dating is to pay most attention to what people do, not what they say. Watch their actions over their words, and look for alignment between the two.

And you might be like, "Well, yeah!!" but it's pretty easy for a person like me who is sort of a romantic, who loves words, to really get caught up in all the promises and images and pictures and dreams that words can offer. So I have gone down many a road—some of them long roads—with people who say all sorts of wonderful things and whose actions are not aligned.

And that does not mean these are bad people. These are not (in my instance, with guys) bad men. It just speaks to their lack of capacity or speaks to the truth of how they feel about you—really, deeply feel about you. Even though their heads might be going, "I really like this person," how important you are to them is really reflected in how they act. And sometimes, as you'll hear in my examples, it has to do with their wisdom. Like there's sometimes wisdom in the way that their actions don't align with their words. You get to learn from all of that.

If I were to do it again, I would be noticing that out of the gate and calling it sooner. Though I will say I still had some really wonderful, fun experiences when I've been led down the road by beautiful words that aren't followed with action.

Examples

Now, do you want some examples? I'll give you some examples.

One

One really basic one would be the dude who's hitting you up like, "You're awesome. You're so cool. Can't wait to meet you. You're so hot, you're so whatever. You seem fascinating. I'm really interested." But then they never make the date—they never pull the trigger. Or if you try to make the date, they get squirrely and then they have a hard time showing up — or even showing up regularly — whether you're just in conversation or trying to date. That's super obvious! But even in that situation, it's easy to just listen to the words and hope for the best because you are in some way really fascinated or excited about them.

Two

A next example would be someone who's sort of next-level, who says they really value your emotional experience, your wellbeing, wanting to grow together, wanting to do the work. But then when it's time, they just can't do it. They shut down, they gaslight you, they disappear, they become avoidant.

These are not, again, bad guys. They just have a lack of capacity in that area, likely. I mean, they could be manipulating you—we don't know. But largely, I think it just shows they aren't going to do it. They can't do it.

Guys are going to do what guys want to do, and if they're not showing up for the thing, it's either because they're scared, they have lack of capacity, or you're really not that important, you know? So again, you're getting to see how much do they value you? What is their capacity to be in relationship? There's a mismatch between "your wellbeing is so important" and "I can't show up for it."

Three

My biggest, most dramatic example was when I was in a dating relationship with someone I just adored. He suggested I go look for engagement rings, go to this really wonderful jewelry shop and send him pictures. He did not come with me. He just said, "Go do this," and so I did. And oh, I loved it! I sent him pictures of diamonds all over my hands — different ring options — the ones that were my favorite. Man the dreams that came out of that were just like, wow!

But then he never asked. He never pulled the trigger. And of course I could have asked him, I suppose, but I really wanted to be asked. And it never came. We ended up ending the relationship, and in that instance, I tell myself that was his wisdom. That was his wisdom. He knew we adored each other and we were really mismatched in so many ways, and we were trying so hard. But I think a part of him knew. And so he couldn't pull that trigger because a part of him knew it wasn't a match. And thank goodness.

Was that one of the most painful relationships I've been in? Yes. And did I learn from that so much? It was such a rich school for my own personal growth. Ultimately I ended up buying myself my own ring, which I love. And it felt like a metaphor of really committing to myself and my own wellbeing and what I most truly want on the planet.

And again, this might be obvious to some of you. You may not be wired like me to love words. You might know this, but if you don't, look at it in all your relationships: dating, friendship, marriage, business. What are they saying? What are they doing? And how are those aligned? Because there's a lot of information there.

A Beautiful Contrast

I will close with saying what's really lovely in these last weeks is I've gotten to have a dating relationship with a guy who does show up—his actions actually match his words. He does more than he says. He blows my mind, and this is new. I don't know where it's going, so I'm not making any promises to me, him, or anybody else, but I'm enjoying it so much.

It's like, wow, this is what it looks like when a guy says, "I want to know you. I'm interested in you," and then they drive two hours many times over, one way, to come and see you. Or they really listen to your preferences and they show up in a way. Or they bring you the thing that you've said that you want. They say, "You know, I really want to know you. Does this feel comfortable to you? I'm curious about you on all levels." And then they really show up and are willing to have hard conversations.

Which I think at this stage of dating in our fifties—get the hard conversations out. Have them early. Just jump into the harder stuff because there's no time to waste. This man initiated them and then really stood in some of my truths, which were uncomfortable for me. He even stood in moments where I cried. I mean, I've been on what, four dates with this guy? And bless his heart, he's held it beautifully. He really shows up. I've watched him be uncomfortable, but stand in it anyway.

This is what it looks like when there's a man who expresses things with his words and they're aligned with his actions.

Because, y'all, love is a verb. It really is a verb. It's in our actions how we love people, how we show our love. Words are lovely—I mean, I am a word person—but the actions are where it's at.

A person really will show you how important you are to them, how they feel about you, through the way they act, through the way they treat you. And sometimes we want to project and think the best and ignore misaligned things. But it’s really helpful to take a good, hard look, and to make some of your calls from there: what they say, how they act, and how aligned is that?

Closing

Oh my gosh, I hope that's helpful. It has been a ride, and if I can make your ride a little smoother, a little sweeter, and a little easier, I would love to do that. Thanks for listening.

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Being on earth is hard. Being human is hard. Nature can be cruel, as can humans.

There’s also incredible generosity.

I find the most significant thing that brings solace - as we see expressed in myriad traditions - is belief in a higher power. One that holds all of us. One that has an understanding that we can’t touch. One that we are part of, and return to, and loves us endlessly.

I know some are furious at those who express faith in their way in these hard moments. How could any God…?? How?? Have we lost our rational minds?

Yes. We can’t think our way through this one.

But I can feel.

I can feel my way into and through grief - easier if I’m not at the center of profound immediate loss. I can feel how grief wants to curl me up in a soft space, under a blanket, to be released. I can feel the way this grief pulls forward old ones - often not fully felt in their time. I can feel how pain softens my heart if I let it. I can feel the impulse to help, and let it compel me to serve in all the ways I can.

I can feel rage. It’s an important one to feel because it can come out sideways if unaddressed. I can say all of rage’s words, and breathe with rage. I can sprint up the hill with rage, and lie across the stone ledge and ask the earth to help me hold rage. I can even ask a friend to witness how rage speaks through me.

I can feel what’s under the grief and rage, after they blow through like the storms they are. Really deep under the hurt, there’s love. It’s always some rising form of love.

With that, I can let the unthinkable losses inspire me to be more present with my one lived life, right now. I can be breathless with gratitude for the safety and wellbeing of my own children at present. And my friends and family. I can let them all know how much I love them, in as many ways as I can. I can give longer hugs, and fuller attention to those whose company I get to enjoy.

I can also be more present with the little joys in front of me. The hummingbird. The bitter tea. The cool summer breeze opening the fog around the house. The eggs my neighbor gave me that are about to become a scramble.

Sometimes I think loving our own lives, finding joy in our own moments, appreciating what’s around us, is the gift we give to those who are bearing the weight of terrible loss. We become the buoy. The light in the darkness. The reminder of what also exists, alongside what feels unbearable. Not as a gloat of how well we are doing, but as a radiant loving act. Not to be talked of, or told about to those suffering. Just lived, in our way.

We can also listen to our impulses to help, even if it’s in small ways. Even if it’s just one person, just today. Or give big.

But first, if there’s grief or rage, that’s what needs tending. We grieve and rage - not to make it about us - but to clear the way for our own strength, clarity of thought, and love to return, so that we can be of service.

I hope that helps.

* The earth’s children are all our babies - we lose touch with that in such an overwhelmingly big world.

Here’s a list of places you can donate or ways you can serve in Texas, should you feel called.

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Besides I like feeling that way — grounded, peaceful, present. It’s a worthwhile endeavor for my sweet life alone.

I’ve built a business that’s about bringing these qualities to children — joy, wonder, curiosity, kindness. We want our stories to be a form of nourishment for young minds and nervous systems.

But it’s maybe not what you think. So I wanted to write a piece in defense of Sunshine & Rainbows as my job. My sweet soul’s job.

•

Mr. Rogers is one of my heroes. We GenXers adore him, don’t we? In fact, I’ve never heard a peep of criticism about his work. His predominant face was one of love and kindness.

But he met hard things. He spoke honestly about them. And he returned to the messages of inclusion, kindness and love, over and over. He brought lightheartedness to every show.

And we appreciate him for it.

Today there are plenty of people representing worst-case scenarios. There are a lot of bad news and hard headlines. There are — understandably — a lot of people who openly share their grief and rage on social media and elsewhere. (We are all carrying a lot.)

I think we need counterpoints. Contrast. Mr. Rogers helps me value what I’m trying to do.

•

I’m not only showing up with sunshine, I have a surprising ability to hold space for the hard emotions and experiences of others. You bring it: grief, rage, fear. I can make room for so much, without judgment. (If anger/rage is directed at me, it’s a little bit harder, but that’s gettable.)

It’s a skill I learned in childhood. Girls who grew up in the 70’s and before were highly trained to be nice, sweet, kind, thoughtful, helpful, selfless. If you’re a female, you know the list. Everything else needed to be zipped up, so we could be acceptable and accepted.

Plus I had extra opportunities to suppress my own full emotional spectrum, while holding the big emotions of the adults around me.

So I’ve got it dialed in.

I think of it as a gift.

•

But I’m not 100% love-and-light all the time. Oh, friend. Not. At. All.

I’m blessed with a sensitive system and a big emotional life. Being in the world can be a lot. Grief and sadness move through me like surprising, irregular waves. Anger and rage are my teachers. And anxiety! Good Lord, anxiety has been a regular visitor who seriously overstays. Let’s call these storms, want to?

Maybe my emotional life is full of storms because of all the years of not managing it well. Or maybe I’ve always been wired this way, and I’m living into my own authenticity. Regardless I do know that the mid-life moment has really enabled me (aka forced me) to learn to care for myself in the stormy times.

Now I make a practice holding space for all of my emotions, especially the difficult ones.

Sometimes I have room, sometimes I’m forced to make room. I do not “spiritually bypass”* — trust me. I try to deal with whatever life is asking of me. My body won’t let me suppress or bypass — not for long anyway. I have to do the work, on the daily. Moment-to-moment even.

Now I have friends who hold space and love me for all that I am — negative emotions included. I not only get to feel my difficult feels, I get to share them openly, and enjoy the experience of feeling seen and loved at the same time.

But wait: let’s not forget the therapists and coaches! Praise Be for their help. I grew my capacity to feel, along with the courage to share my feelings, on many a therapeutic couch. I’m still learning and growing my capacities.

What’s most amazing to me is this: when I make room - total room - for my harder emotions, and give them the presence they seek, on the other side of that is natural ease and peace. The storm clears and there’s access to sweet joy. It’s pretty incredible.

And then I get to share it with others. With you.

That’s my Sunshine & Rainbows practice. (Really it’s my presence practice, from which comes Sunshine & Rainbows.)

•

My growth edge is in love relationships. My history-of-love features men who like my sunshine & rainbows - but storms are not really welcome. Whether that’s their capacity, or my projection, or both, I’m not sure.

But I’m working on it.

•

I also have to make hard choices to protect my peace. I don’t read or watch the news most of the time - I mostly read headlines. I don’t watch violent or disturbing movies. I avoid foods that make me overstimulated or depressive. I have to exercise in a certain way. I have to get out in nature on the daily. I have to take sweet care of myself. All the time. Which isn’t always fun. But then I know the reward of it. The more I make aligned choices, the better I feel. I do it because it’s my job. (Sunshine & Rainbows, people!)

•

So in defense of Sunshine & Rainbows: know that it can be hard won, cultivated from the darkest emotional material, born from daily practice.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. In fact, I feel like my sphere of understanding is quite small, derived from the specificity of my own experience. I know what I know.

As it resonates through me and I share it, I hope it resonates for you too.

Big love.

* I think we’re all entitled to a little “spiritual bypassing” from time to time, as a survival strategy.

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I messaged one of my dearest friends last week - in the middle of a moment of overwhelm - and asked, “What am I doing with my life? Am I just totally lost??”

I listed all of the big events of my last 2 years:

• my relocation of my home base to Vermont while keeping a foot in Austin

• the endless tasks of managing of a rather big property by myself

• the dating - sometimes delicious, sometimes quite hard on the heart

• my scrappiness as a business owner at Sparkle

• LOTS of travel, some of which has been driven by spontaneous impulse

• the struggle to center my days around my creativity

Not to mention the deep call to go to New Mexico! Plus the impulse to rent my house and spend the winter traveling! Or maybe I should stick with this summer’s commitment to root right here in Vermont and stay put?!?

She laughed and said, “Oh my gosh, the world is your OYSTER, friend! Your roots are so deep - nourishing you and everyone around you. Your branches and leaves are out there bravely feeling it all out, living fearlessly and fully, and soaking all of life up beautifully!”

Which one is true??

Whichever one I choose.

I say this over and over, and re-learn this over and over. The stories you tell about yourself and your life are powerful.

Even better: you get to choose.

Everything is story. Once you start to get that, you discover your own power in it. Perhaps all we need to do is tell the story we love the most. I’m starting think that’s true for our own lives, and also true for the planet. We’re telling stories all the time - about our people, about our situation, about this moment and the next, about what’s likely going to happen to us. And when you pair that with a brain that is wired to be fear-based, to protect us from harm, we can get into some pretty sad stories.

So how do you take hold of the narrative-reins?

I think it’s best to start with naming what you want for your life, and focusing on where it already exists. Give that the juice of appreciation. (Eg: I have so much love in my life! Look at it coming in from everywhere!) Journal out your ideal narrative for where you are right now, and where you are heading. Vision your highest story on a daily basis (this is what I do). You can add in affirmations. Or use growth mindset tools. Ask your friends to hold the highest story for you, and remind you of who you truly are and what’s possible for you. Whatever it takes! And practice practice practice.

The minute my buddy gave me the reframe, I knew she was right.
• I love packing up my things in a suitcase and heading off into a new experience, in which I get to learn things about the world and myself.
• I love being in Vermont - with the trees I talk to and the fields I walk, the bird and animal life, the porch I love to sit on. Tending the gardens here, and watching the land change over the seasons. The sweetness of my dear friends here, and my local community. I feel very grounded and alive here.
• I love being in Austin too - with my dear friends there, and all the vibrancy the city offers me. Austin is FUN. I feel very creative and dynamic there.
• I really enjoy meeting each new person - on dates or otherwise - getting to know another lovely human with their hurts and their happinesses. I know my beloved person will be here when the time is right.
• I work hard and I adore my freedom - to write, to travel, to expand or contract, to devote myself to my kids and my friends and my work, however that looks on a given day.
• I cherish my practices of embodiment and presence, and how it lights up my experience on this planet. Most days I feel a LOT and also very alive. (True abundance.)

But if I wanted to, I could decide it’s not linear enough. Not focused enough. Too risky. Not productive enough. Not in line with our culture’s definition of success. And I could feel extra bad - if I wanted to.

But I don’t.

Do I have everything I want right now? No. I’m still growing aspects of myself. I am learning to walk each day with faith in my heart and softness in my body. I am holding a bit of heartbreak, but in that heartbreak is desire, as well as a growing trust in love and possibility.

And here’s where I get to have an adventure story. Each day I get to watch the unfolding of myself and my wild little life. Each day I get to share love - for myself and with others - and I get to delight in the love coming back to me. Each day I get to see where my intuition and my creativity take me. I get to see what shows up, and how it shows up, and be curious about the doors that are opening. Each day I get to be grateful.

And that’s SUPER freaking fun.

What stories are living in you? What’s the very best story you could tell about your life, right now?

Let’s start telling that one. Today.

Big love.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments, either here or via email! I would love to know where you are with this, and hear your story if you want to share it. We can support each other.

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And I’m thinking it might be helpful to you if I share my thoughts and my process.

(It’s deeply satisfying for me to share my own thinking FOR ME - to remind myself, in video format, of what’s important and where I am.)

I define self-betrayal as saying yes when it’s really no. And saying no to something that’s really a deep yes. It's running against our own alignment, with what we most deeply desire, with what we most deeply need on a day-to-day basis, with what lights us up, and what brings us pleasure.

I'm calling that self betrayal.

I have been in a bit of self-betrayal around how I spend my time! One of the things I have not being doing, as is clear, is coming here, to talk to you (and myself) about what is important, and what I’m seeing and thinking at this stage of my life, because I find so much pleasure and so much join in sitting here on video and talking to you. And I have not been prioritizing it!

We have these internal indicators we can feel - internal emotional indicators that flag us over and over, to say, “Hey, we're out of alignment! Hey, we’re a little cranky! Hey, how about some rage?”

And then we get to go “Oh, hey! I’ve been sort of betraying myself. I’ve been saying yes to things that I don’t want to say yes to, which means I’m saying no to this very important thing.” And I get to reset myself. And show up and make a different choice this morning. Did I have to work through some emotional content before I got on here? I sure did. I was in a bit of a mental battle with myself around how I was going to prioritize my day.

But here I am. In alignment with myself, making the choice I needed to make, which is to come sit here first and create my share on the MIDS.

Let's talk a bit self responsibility, which is one of my favorite topics. I've been really thinking about sovereignty, which is this:

We are independent beings. We are free in a lot of ways, in most ways on this planet. (Particularly someone in my position.) And we are ultimately completely responsible for our own happiness. The one thing we can control is our inner response to things, very hard things included.

Does it mean that we can just quickly shift and feel, like in a Disney movie, so delighted about everything? And be surrounded by butterflies and birds? No! It means that we work through things emotionally as they arise. It means that we sit with ourselves as we manage difficult feelings around things.

But ultimately in our processes, we can realign over and over and find ourselves over and over, and find our joy over and over, and choose how we want to think about or approach or see a certain situation. That is what we have control over. We cannot rely on outside people to behave consistently or do a certain thing to keep us happy.

You can try! I try! I do it over and over. You can make requests of people - the people that you choose to be around. You want to choose to be around people that love you in ways that feel like love to you, that respond to you in ways that feel like connection to you. You can make that choice. That's where you have choice.

Earlier I made a request of someone very beloved to me and said, “Can you help me? I would love it if you could show up this way for me, because I'm having a hard time, and when you do, that feels better to me.”

And if he chooses not to do that, that's fair. That's his. And I get to then manage that and decide what I do with it.

But it's my responsibility to manage my emotions, to decide how I want to see a thing and to make choices around what makes me the happiest. Right?

And I can’t say that enough. TO MYSELF, because over and over I have to rediscover that.

Then when I come up against a conflict or a hard moment, and I'm wanting to put things on the outside of myself, I get the opportunity to come back and ask “Wow, what does this say for me? What growth am I being invited into here? How do I really want to feel in this moment, or going forward? And what am I going to do about that?”

Over and over and over we get the opportunity in life - because life is the perfect school for this - we get the opportunity to meet ourselves and say.

Where do I want to go?
Who do I want to be and
how do I want to feel
and how do I want to act?
What's in highest alignment with myself?

Now, backing up:

Figuring out your alignment takes some time. If you are in a place where you don't have any idea, or just barest ideas of what feels good to you, of what you want, of what lights you up, then that's where you start.

Often that takes clearing your nervous system. I talk about that in other videos. Whatever practice you choose to use, or person or protocol you choose to engage - there's lots out there - to get you settled back into yourself so that you can start to sense yourself.

I know what to choose because I have a body-based experience of my inner YES and my inner NO. That took some practice. We all come in enculturated by culture and family to behave and think in whatever certain way.

This is the beauty of midlife, this is why I'm talking to you now, is because here we are, with this shifting hormone cocktail that lands us in a place where we care less about what other people think. We start to really want what we want. We start to feel our younger selves before the hormonal veil landed on us and we became very other-oriented. In this time, we come back to ourselves. It’s such a great opportunity to say “Wooo! What is in here? And what doesn't it want??”

If you don't know what your alignment is, this is where you start.

This is also too, where you can begin the process of taking radical responsibility with each piece of it. To say to yourself: “I've identified a thing. I’m going to go for this. And so how do I stay in alignment with it over and over and over? How do I choose this thing I’ve learned about myself over and over?” And then it expands on itself.

What I'm finding is the more I do that, the more deeply fulfilled I am in my life with just the simplest things. Just the experience of being can be the most delightful joy-filled thing. And it's come through somewhat radical, and more now, more and more radical acts of choosing myself and not betraying myself on a moment-to-moment, day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month, year-to-year basis.

So anyway, I hope that helps. It's clearly something I'm working out. I'm proud of myself for choosing this.

So what’s up for you today? Think about your day. Where are you are in alignment with what lights you up the most, what you need, what you most deeply need? What you want? And where are you not?

Even just recognizing is a beautiful thing. And if you choose to make one shift - even a tiny one - it'll be interesting as an experiment to see what that does for you.

Thanks for listening! (And reading!)

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We're all feeling it - so much unrest and uncertainty. This week I can find it hard to think clearly. How to manage?

Here’s where I landed:

The very most important thing to do in times like these is stay grounded and regulate your nervous system - as best you can.

You’re welcome to argue with me. Who has time for that? These times can feel scary, isn’t it natural to feel scared?

Yes. And I believe it’s our greatest gift, to ourselves and those around us.

Have a listen to my position, and tell me what you think. I’d love to know how you manage, and what helps you to stay grounded. Let’s make it a conversation, and help each other.

::

In the video I reference sparklestories.com, the children’s audio streaming service I founded with David Sewell McCann.

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