I gained admission in 2024 into OAU, with the eagerness of meeting new people and making new friends and the excitement of changing my environment. “Yayy, 16 year old Aisha is going to a new state all on her own far away from her parents supervision and she gets her freedom!” Well 18 years old Aisha hates it now and really wants to leave this place. I am tired.

The past two years in this school have been HELL! I know final year students will see this and say “You never see anything” I agree, I don’t know how you guys survived so many years in Uni but my tired is tired!

I need graduates on here to tell me they've all had a chapter in their life where they felt like this in school.

I expected Uni to be where I would finally get the chance to do things i missed out in my childhood. Make friends, network, go for hangouts, try out new things, join clubs and become independent. Well that independence I was craving for is what is causing my exhaustion now.

The past few months in this semester have been so depressing in a way that I can't explain. I stopped talking to some my friends when I noticed a pattern of always doing too much in people's life and not getting reciprocated and as someone with a very very small circle and built her whole life around her friends, yes the friendship breakups did hurt. Navigating uni without the people that I was used to was strange. Lonely even. Sitting alone in class was so awkward 🤣

But somewhere in the middle of the semester, I started making new connections. I started meeting new people and slowly finding my way back to having people around me. And while I wouldn’t say I have no friends, I’ve realized that having people around you doesn’t necessarily mean you feel connected to them.

There’s a particular kind of loneliness that comes from having friends but still feeling like you haven’t met your people, the people who truly understand you. The people who treat friendship with the same depth and intentionality that you do.

I think part of why I crave that kind of friendship so much is because I’ve always wanted to feel deeply understood. When you don’t always get that sense of understanding from your parents, you naturally begin to look for it elsewhere. Sometimes, you start expecting your friendships to provide the kind of emotional safety and understanding you’ve always wanted and when they don’t, it hurts.

This entire year has also been a series of moments where I’ve felt like a failure. I’ve constantly felt like I’m behind my peers. Like everyone is moving forward while I’m somehow stuck in the same place. I have to remind myself that I’m not actually behind but on some days, the feeling is so convincing that it becomes difficult to believe anything else.

Somewhere along the way, I developed this strange irritation towards my environment, my school, and even the education system itself. Things that used to feel normal started feeling exhausting studying became difficult in a way. And I think the hardest part is knowing that I’m capable of more but not having the motivation and confidence to actually do more.

I miss the version of myself that was excited about things. The version of me who could sit down and study without having to fight with her own mind first. The version of me who didn’t constantly feel like she was falling behind, that sweet version that didn't overthink every interaction with people.

Maybe I’m still trying to figure out what I want, the kind of people I want around me. I’m learning that loneliness doesn’t always mean you have no one. Sometimes, it means you haven’t found the people who make you feel truly seen yet and struggling doesn’t automatically mean you’re failing.

I need to stop measuring my life by how far ahead everyone else seems to be and start paying attention to the fact that despite everything, I’m still here and still trying to figure things out.

And I really hope next semester is better. I really do.

I'm sorry if this seems too vulnerable, I am just tired.