I am not usually jealous of peoples’ characters, but I envy those that can forgive and let things be easily. The ones who say they’ve forgiven someone and mean it wholly. The ones that actually forgive and forget. I have never had the ability. One would say that it is the curse that comes with having a relatively good memory.

I try to forgive and forget, I really do… I see how real their apologies are, how willing they are to take accountability, how hard they try to make amends but it does nothing for me. I feel so out of touch. And I have to accept the apology. It would be hypocritical of me not to knowing how much I mess up too. If I expect grace, I must give it too. But every time I see someone that has done me dirty I can’t help but remember that they did it. I’m not keeping score of their wrongs as such, I just can’t seem to forget. It could be years on end since it happened- but I will remember… And like interest, it compounds. Crossing a boundary here, a joke there, a disappointment over there… like death by a thousand paper cuts. And ik nobody’s perfect, si ati sijui… I just can’t let shit go. And the more they try to fix it, the more it annoys me.

I laugh,eat and even sleep with them like nothing happened but out of the corner of my eye I see it look at me… boring its eyes into my skull. REMEMBER! It shouts… It’s never really gone, it disappears sometimes like it’s taken a holiday but it never leaves forever. And every time it comes back it scrubs the wound left by the hurt raw and I have to start all over again.

Subconsciously I start pulling away. I no longer enjoy interacting with them as much and,where I can, I minimise contact. The things I could put up with quietly, I can no longer stomach.

Where I cannot cut contact, it begins to manifest as a short temper toward them until I can’t even hide that something is wrong. But I was supposed to have forgiven them already. You can’t keep on bringing the same thing up every time and expect to move forward. So I’ll sit with it. And it will sit there refusing to budge… It knows it’s going nowhere… If the mistake is egregious enough it shall demand I repay the person in full… I shut the voice out as much as I can, but muffled noise is still noise.

REMEMBER!!!

When they ask if everything is ok, I’ll say “It is what it is” or a variation of “it’s fine” knowing that I’m seething inside and I feel like I’ve been thrown into a fiery pit. Doing the shadow work is a Sisyphean task… I start forgiving someone and it’s like by some divine intervention (whether good or evil idk) they do or say something that triggers the hurt or disappointment and throws me back to square one.

Do I think anything will change? Probably not. Nothing I’ve tried has worked. So I keep my resentment close. It has pulled me out of the worst pits and it’s fires have kept me warm on the coldest of nights. Where I did not think I could make it, it gave me a reason to hang on. It is the ring of power to my Smeagol, the Fawkes to my Dumbledore and the Nagini to my Voldemort. I am it and it is me. Feelings and people come and go… But resentment? It remains closer than a brother.

(I’m not a swiftie but on Bad Blood she said something I 100% agree with… Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes)

People like writing their own vows and I get it. But I like the old ones (zile za church) quite a bit. They sound rote or impersonal to some, but they really do encapsulate the ups and downs of life. But the key takeaway today is the part that goes “… In sickness and in health.”

People get sick all the damn time. The infirmity of the human body is as constant as dust in Rongai. It could be just an illness, a mental health issue or even a debilitating accident. Full body functionality isn’t a 100% guarantee. These 2 particular couples had been together for 50 plus years. I have seen one particular couple (let’s call them the M’s for the purpose of this story) really abide by their vows to the death aki. At one point in time, Mrs. M had breast cancer and couldn’t show up to church for a year. Let me tell you Maina, Mr. M held it down for his wife until she recovered. The trips to the doctor, the meds, cleanup of body waste more often than not… You name it. And then by some sick, twisted trick of fate Mr. M got a stroke in 2020. He was bedridden for 5 years until he passed on. And his wife stood by him. Every. Single. Day. The cleaning, the feeding… She did it. Did you know you have to turn a bedridden person to prevent sores and other wounds from forming?

And it’s not just them, throughout my life I’ve seen people stand by their partners when they couldn’t even stand up. I’ve seen husbands take care of their sick wives for 10 plus years and vice versa. Some even quit their jobs to take care of their spouses. I’ve seen my own dad stay until the end of visiting hours in hospital when my mom was really sick. He’s left important meetings so many times to take her to hospital or see her when she was rushed there. Being exposed to that kind of love has maybe also influenced what I expect from myself and my significant other in relationships to a great extent.

People seem to forget this really important thing when dating- your life partner might end up being your caretaker if things go wrong or if old age catches up to you. If you got paralysed for whatever reason, it’s your partner that will feed you, wash you, clean up your body waste etc. If you’re in a depressive episode, your partner may have to shoulder your workload and take care of you because you feel like ending it all. For some, their partner will have to deal with them attempting to unalive themselves. What I’m saying is, if anything happened to you, your partner bears the brunt of the inconvenience (for lack of a better word).

Now I’m about to say something many will disagree with but hamwezi kunichapa anyway. Acts of service is the king of love languages. Let me land first. Disregard all that Tiktok discourse that it’s a language that you learn because as a child you felt you had to be useful. If you can’t then just try to minimise it. The essence of acts of service is wanting to make your partner’s life easier. At its heart, it’s just that simple. Fixing problems, buying them groceries when they ask, running errands for them when they can’t… all of it circles back to making your partner’s life easier. And maybe I’m wrong, but from what I can tell from the healthy long-lasting relationships I’ve seen, it works when you both try making life easier for each other. Obviously there are times when one does the heavy lifting in the relationship, but it always balances out.

From my numerous failed talking stages, I’ve noticed this particular strain of patience has pretty much died out.You don’t even have to ask overtly, there’s certain things someone will say or how they’ll handle an issue na utajua tu. Saa hii the general sentiment is that people should stop inconveniencing others. And being raised how I was raised, it’s a dealbreaker for me aki. And it’s not even ati I intend to impose that kind of patience… Hii nayo you either have it or you don’t. And that’s the thing with acts of service as a language. You don’t get the urge to make your partner’s life easier ati overnight. Ati umelala and then it happens fwaaa and all of a sudden you wake up a new being ready to help them. Acts of service is literally built on someone going out of their comfort zone because they love you.

Anyway, as you sleep, ask yourself if that person has the ability to take care of you for the next 30 years and be faithful to you if something happened. Some of you already know the answer deep in your gut.

This need not apply explicitly for romantic relationships. Even your friendships! If your friend acts like an inconvenience caused by another friend by virtue of being unwell-physically or mentally- is a bother, they would probably react the same way if it was you. I might be wrong, but I have a hard time believing certain traits about a person can change hivyo tu just because it’s you. If you’re a bother/not a priority now, it’s extremely likely to remain the same 10-20 years down the line.

Oh, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the moms on here btw, xx

(PS this post isn’t telling anyone to inconvenience their partner on purpose. If you do that you’re actually a piece of shit and you deserve to be single until you gain common sense. The basis of this post is that things do happen.)

Specimen one is the homie, twin, homeboy, bestie, brother from another mother. The names are many. His entry into your life was just a mention of a name. But you took note of the name. Why? There was a smile or slight inflection of her tone when talking about him. In other words, she was a bit too happy about another man. You take note but brush it off. She’s allowed to have a best friend of the opposite gender, you do too. You can’t impose a double standard on them. But as these things usually go, there’s the point where you realise that he’s doing too much. Maybe you see it in person or you see it on social media. Shit, it could be something as simple as a statement by your partner sometimes. He’ll do something like hold her hand for a second too long and the saxophones in your head will start getting louder. Or you’ll see a post and there’s a pet name. What do the Nigerians say? Everything first go blur? Kitu kama hiyo will happen to you. But you’ll convince yourself you’re over-reacting… at least you will try to. And then the devil decides to inject. You’ll hear something like friendship dates every month or sleepovers and jealousy will burn white hot in your chest. And you’ll realise that somewhere in the beginning certain boundaries weren’t set.

It’s also usually relatively easy for you to know when the best friend is actually just a friend and not a guy playing the long game. I don’t know how to explain it better than saying they act like siblings with your partner. Better still, they treat them like a man to some extent. You might say ati oooh your homeboy is mean because you eat strays like a glutton on christmas but there’s a high likelihood that those are the ones that actually have no feelings for you. And they also don’t want to talk to you every damn day. Consistent communication is usually a really big indicator. Think about the times you’ve gotten into a relationship. You and that man used to talk every damn day!! You can’t have a nigga who’s always being buddy buddy with you and in your phone every day and think they want to just be friends. But as with everything else, it’s not 100% accurate.

The second type of just a friend is the friend who isn’t the best friend but he still finds a way to always be around and near your girlfriend. And the crazy part about this kind of guy is that he’s so good at what he does that it’s hard to call him out and not look like a piece of shit. Even as I write this I know some people won’t see how it’s a bad thing but I will write anyway. This guy has mastered the art of making up for your inadequacies. He’s like a shadow boyfriend in fact. He’s the type of person to go across town in the middle of the night to get you the food your partner mentioned she wanted. Not order, go for it. Apparently it’s faster. He’s mastered the art of gaining access through availability and satisfying demands. He’s the kind of friend that is somehow always available for your girlfriend’s wants and needs. And why wouldn’t he be? He’s plotting. She needs to vent? He’s there. She needs something picked up in the ass crack of Timbuktu? To the crack he goes. The ruins of Atlantis need to be found? He’ll make it happen. Her wish is his command. He’s visiting whenever he can to ‘check up on her.’ He wants to go with her for events wakiwa wawili and he’ll pay for everything.

(How he’s waiting for your relationship to fall apart)

And the fact of the matter is that calling him out is usually impossible because he has insider information of where you’re dropping the ball and he’s giving his A game in those areas. And he will feign emotional intelligence properlyyyy!! You think he’s sad your plant died? Don’t I have news for you. You have almost everything in common ?Of course you do, he did his homework. It’s a million times worse if she’s bestowed upon him the ability to give her advice. The best part about this for him is that it’s a working system. You as the boyfriend will slip up eventually and he’ll be waiting. Even if he’s sleeping with like 5 other people or has a partner of his own, he will be patient and wait his turn. It’s a long term investment. Obviously it’s 50/50 whether the girl will actually sleep with him, but to him it’s a risk worth taking.

Unlike the best friend who you can give the benefit of doubt, this man is extremely easy to spot as another guy. How? This is going to be very controversial but it has to be said. A man who wants to just be your friend doesn’t go to certain lengths for you. There’s a certain level of forbearance that only shows up when a man wants to engage in horizontal engineering. And men know what I’m saying- we’ve played these games before. It’s selfish but true. As I conclude with this specimen, this is my parting shot. He’s not being kind, he doesn’t want to be your friend. He wants to make your knees touch your shoulders despite knowing of your man’s existence. Those pickup and delivery favors he’s always doing for you, he wants to deliver something else too. He could pass for an evangelist with the amount of missionary work he wants to do with you. Oh yeah, specimen number one may at times also adopt the behavioral characteristics of specimen two and due to the closeness, he becomes even harder to call out.

(This one is a special dedication to the 2nd specimen)

That being said, some partners are controlling as hell and will try to isolate you from your friends. Kaa chonjo bois!! Also, this post shouldn’t be misconstrued as me saying you can’t have best friends of the opposite gender, but there must be a reduction in how close you are once you start dating. Sijui kama mnanipata?

There’s a lot more to this but I didn’t want this to be a long piece. May everyone stay safe as they look for love in this dating pool aisee!

Anyone that knows me knows I don’t want kids. Never have, never will- if nothing changes. And almost every time I tell people I don’t want them I get the same questions and comments… “Don’t you want to continue your legacy?” “You’re the firstborn son, it’s your duty to continue the family name.” “Children are a blessing.” “Everyone wants a family, you just haven’t met the right person.” Bro, everyone thinks can change my mind on something I decided when I was like 11-12 years old and has continually proved to be the right decision. People see having kids like it’s this awesome endeavor and I just don’t. And as shameful as it is to admit, I attribute it to how I was raised. I won’t lie, I’m extremely jealous of my friends who have great relationships with their parents. And, unsurprisingly, all of them-ok 99% of them- have a very secure attachment style. Did you know your relationship with your parents affects your relationship with your kids, friends and even romantic relationships? If you didn’t, now you know. In fact it can be a whole article on its own.

If I was to describe how I’d want to raise my hypothetical kids, it would be something like this: they wouldn’t feel like speaking about how they feel about something is the equivalent of being tied to a train track with a train barreling toward them at light speed, they wouldn’t know their parents play favourites and they were never a competitor in the first place, they’d be able to pursue their interests outside academics without someone always downplaying it or outrightly just tearing it down. They wouldn’t have a feeling of shame any time they snap at their younger siblings and realise they are just like their parents. I don’t want them to already expect denial when they request something. To always tell their friends that they shouldn’t have hope for them being given permission for something as simple as just hanging out- leave alone going for concerts.

Bro, I don’t want them going to their rooms as soon as I come home because they know if they’re around me for long enough I’ll ruin their day. Or them learning to withdraw and walk away immediately they’re disappointed because they either have to detach or stay and let the wound fester because they can’t address it or fear doing so. Because they will end up doing it to others reflexively and they will feel like shit about it. I don’t want to be the parent that goes, “when you were young you used to talk a lot, now you barely say anything” and my kid just looks at me because I am the reason the light behind their eyes was stifled. I don’t want my kid feeling like their mood is dampened by the idea of being home. I don’t want them getting lifelong injuries that have a high risk of getting worse over time because I drilled them into believing their worth is attached to how hard they work. I don’t want us to only talk about sports because that’s the only safe thing to talk about without the possibility of a disagreement.

If something drastic happened that changed my mind and I wanted kids and got them, I’d want to be a parent in a friendly but firm way. I don’t want to be an authoritarian, helicopter parent. I’d want to be there for my kids’ core happy moments like getting their first tattoo or piercing. And I’d want to be a safe space for their sad memories too. Like the breakup that almost takes away their will to live or when they invest so much in a project and inakunywa maji. I’d want them to know it’s OK to fall down and get back up without being pushed deeper into the dirt especially when they fail at something I didn’t think was a good idea. I’d want them to know there’s always going to be love at home. I’d want them to know how to communicate with other people. To get their point across in the best way without jumbling the words up or shutting down mid-conversation because they are unused to the pressure. To be able to challenge authority when it matters. I don’t want them to struggle with anger, resentment and forgiveness the way I do. I’d want them to be everything I’m not-and more tbh. Because at the end of the day, I want them to succeed and be the best they can be in all aspects of their lives.

I know there’s going to be people who will read this and go, “You’re lucky you have both parents or parents.” Or that I’m speaking from a point of privilege. Your experiences don’t invalidate mine. I’m not even ungrateful for what they’ve done for me, they’ve done what they could with the cards they were dealt- none of them had it easy growing up anyway. I love my parents, but a greater part of me can’t help but resent them a lot. It feels like you’ve eaten a ngwaci that was extremely hot and difficult to swallow and hukuwa na chai/maji. It just sits there all the damn time and doesn’t go down. Even when we laugh and have conversations there’s always a part that assesses what is the right thing to say. But at the same time it’s hard not to feel like this post is unfilial and ungrateful. It’s why I took some time before releasing it ata. It’s all so complicated gaddemit!!!

And I’m aware the burden is on me to work on myself, but it is in that working on myself that I’m realising that certain things about me may not change. That I may never be that person. So I’ve decided to opt out of getting children for their sake and mine. Because at the end of the day, sometimes the best way to end generational trauma is to ensure that the next generation isn’t there to experience it.

Anyway… Vasectomy vision 2030!!

(Oh yeah, today’s song recommendation is a song about the POV of a dad that feels unready to raise a daughter that’s about to be born. Not exactly on theme but I like the song and it’s my post anyway.)

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This particular situation happened when I was in first year- first year week two to be precise. So I was fresh into campus, finally out of my parents’ house- albeit for a few months at a time- and the freedom had got to my head. I obviously wasn’t a stranger to liquor, but now I could drink without worrying about curfew and acting sober around my parents. At this point in time I didn’t have friends in school that I could go out to piga sherehe with. But I had a friend who was studying in town- my high school deskmate to be precise. So this guy called me and asked if I was free to go outside because we never had the opportunity kupiga bash together previously.

So this particular Saturday I went to Nakuru town at around midday then I went to his hostel room. Buana majamaa walikuwa wameshona squad ya 7-10 men deep in there. It smelled like testosterone in that room walai. So we were chilling until like 8 and then we went to eat aka kuweka foundation, pre-game kidogo, alafu we begin proper sherehe in a club whose name I can’t recall for the life of me. Ata club is a stretch, ilikuwa local imeng’ara. So tukaweka foundation ya fries (madness ik), then we did some za, alafu tukatafuta liquor. Pre game kiasi then we got to the club as 3 niggas- me, my friend and his friend.

When we got to the local, tukaambiwa tutafute miaka 23 na bouncer. Bro, saa hiyo we are 18 years old tunashangaa tunatafuta miaka zingine 5 wapi. Anyway, we had to pay like 200 to get in because the bash can’t stop at this point. So we buy a mzinga and then we started drinking tu polite. The music was loud as hell, and the place was full of wababas and girls my age. Sasa we were just relaxing but the alcohol was getting to me. The lower the drink ilishuka kwa chupa, the more my dutch courage rose. And then my friend gave me a cigarette, zilipanda hadi kwa stratosphere bro. Airport Authority ingekuwa na radar closeby they would have clocked an unidentified aircraft that was me.

As my I got more tipsy I got the courage to talk to this one older woman who was seated alone. Brown, short, looked 30 but was 50 and just chilled out with her mzinga ya Smirnoff and a few beers. I walk up to her, ask her name, telling her she doesn’t look a day over 25- running through the motions. Sasa the DJ decided to play dancehall. Hapo sasa alikuwa amecheza through pass. Personally I’m a big big dancehall/riddim fan. Ongeza liquor kwa mix and I’m the most outgoing person you’ll see. I will most definitely act a fool.

So I asked her to dance and then akaniambia “Vijana wa siku hizi mmeharibika!” while laughing. Like anakaa like she wants to but something’s holding her back. Si mnanipata? God’s timing is great, lakini ya shetani ni maridadiiiii!!!! As she’s kekekeing and laughing with me I feel this massive hand grip my shoulder. This hand was so big it literally covered my shoulder. Wah wah wah! Zilishuka with immediate effect. Let me tell you Maina, middle aged man strength is not a joke. This guy spun all 52kgs of me to look at him with one hand. He was a fat guy and was taller than me. If he wanted to, he could have slapped me into next week. And the thing is, I couldn’t run away because it was late and I didn’t know Nakuru that well at that point(still don’t tbh).

“Unataka nini na bibi yangu!?” was the first thing this man said. Nikajua tu I was cooked. Turns out this guy was a cop- double cooked!! This man was like, “Leo utalala ndani wewe!” Heh! Ushai sweat haga?? I was so scared ata I couldn’t talk. So this man’s wife anaanza kunitetea saying I’m drunk and it looks like he’s just getting more annoyed. And I get him honestly. How are you defending another man this hard? My friend and his friend see the commotion and come over to see what’s going on. Nakuambia walinitetea mpaka the guy akaniachilia. Bana tulilamba this guy for like 10 minutes. Needless to say, we left immediately after that. It’s easy to laugh about it now, but the terror I felt in that moment was something else.

So gents, my lesson to you as you interact with these older women is that you should ensure you’re not risking your lives because I’m sure if this man had his gun on him I’d have connected successfully to sayuni Wi-Fi that night. Until next time!

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A. Poor time management

This one! HMM! This one has to be number one for me. It annoys me so much my eye starts ticking. This one makes me so mad it makes me dislike people on a fundamental level after a certain period of time and stop making plans with them. I see tiktoks of people being proud of being late to things and walai it raises my blood pressure. I like planning things a minimum of a week in advance but I usually plan a month or sometimes two ahead. Why? More often than not plans have financial implications and I just like having my days in order in case of other plans. And sometimes ata uko kwa mzazi and they also need prior notice. And I also just have a problem with being late. When I make plans I have a date, time allocation and location e.g. place X at 10 am on the 15th. Maybe it’s just me but whether it’s casual plans or like going out, I like punctuality. However, being late by 15-30 minutes is acceptable to me. I don’t think I’m more than 30 minutes if I’m going for plans alone unless it’s something big that’s stopped me from being on time and I expect that from people too.

Sasa you find someone who you’ve made plans with someone and then they arrive ati 1-2 hours late. Ni mimi umekalisha for 2 hours at the venue for plans nakaa mjinga?! Alafu they usually have the dumbest excuses walai. As a person who considers traffic jams in deciding what time to leave the house, I expect you to do the same. Some people even kick up their nonsense a notch and don’t even communicate they will be late. Radio silence for 3 hours surely. If the amount of time you’ll spend in traffic is more than you thought or something came up, si upige tu simu mapema useme you’ll be late. And then you just swagger up to the hangout with a half baked or no apology acting like we’re cool? And the hangout isn’t even fun sasa because I’m pissed. And it’s even more annoying when you weren’t in the best place mentally and you had to mentally prepare to show up and not be a debbie downer!! Of course if someone asked me in the past years I’d lie and say it’s fine… not this year! I’ll tell you candidly you’ve got me fucked up. And the final boss is people who just go ghost on the day of plans. I have no words for this final group of people because I cut them off immediately because you actually don’t even think I’m human.

Anyway, this year I’m giving people only a 30 minute allowance before I leave and treat the plans as cancelled. If someone has a good explanation, I can give them an hour. And 3 strikes every 6 months. And if you’re the reason plans didn’t pan out and you don’t take action to suggest another time and date, you’re cut. Because honestly, if my time doesn’t mean anything to you, you shouldn’t have it. And may the devil not lie to you to fix your lips to ask why I don’t hang out with you or make plans because nitashuka na wewe kama ghasia most likely. Tuheshimiane bana.

Anyway, this doesn’t apply to spontaneous plans. Kama umesema tunaenda bash on the day of the bash, I’ll allow tardiness… But for plans that have been a long time coming?? Get your act together or get out. Pigwa na bouncer urudi kwenu, bosco yenu ikuume na watu wako wakufukuze fr. Na ulambwe uso na shetani.

(An accurate description of me trying to stay calm when my time is disrespected)

B. “But even you…”, “I’m sorry but…” warriors

For me, time wasters beat these people by a very small margin.

I hate conflict and arguing. I genuinely do. If it’s something I can get over I’m very unlikely to bring it up. The downside is that if I’m having a confrontation, best believe I don’t want to be aggravated further and I’m doing my best not to leave you to your BS(the avoidant in me will always tell me I don’t have to stay here and be disappointed). Like bro, I’m already having difficulty with bringing this issue up this isn’t the damn time. Whenever someone starts bringing up stuff I’ve done when I’m raising my issues I usually take it as the person I’m confronting doesn’t want to take accountability and they are deflecting/ shifting blame. And it’s not even that I don’t want to hear them out. I’m ok with being called out. But you had all the time in the world to bring this up and decided to do it when I’m addressing something you did? Is it crack??

Alafu the “I'm sorry, but…” cohort. If you didn’t want to apologise you could have said so outright. I’m a firm believer that if an apology has the word but then you’re not sorry for what you’ve done and you should just say so with chest. Because 99 percent of the time the but is usually followed with a justification anyway. Let me stop unpacking these people because I’m getting mad ata. I get there’s people who can do this thing where both parties air their grievances at the same time and, honestly, power to them. I, however, am not one of those people.

Thankfully, my encounters with such people have been few and far in between but they’ve always left a very deep impression.

C. “Ilikuwa tu jokes” ragebaiters

We all know these people.

I’m ok with banter. I dish it out, and I take it. Mimi nimeitwa mfupi mpaka ata nimechoka. And my homies who play rugby or can’t swim aren’t safe. Jokes are just part of how we communicate. But there’s limits to what can be joked about. Kuna some people who cross lines. We can’t be joking about people’s families or stuff they’re tender about and then tuseme ni jokes when they have a bad reaction about it.

I used to have a friend who was like a brother to me. We were boys for pretty much the whole of highschool. If either of us had money and the other didn’t, WE had money. We’d even agreed to be each others’ best man. Then this nigga made a joke that crossed the line and I had to cut him off. I eventually forgave him like a year or so later but by we didn’t talk much after that until we finally just stopped talking. But the thing that pissed me off is that at that point in time he didn’t think that joke was in very poor taste(it was a really bad joke) and he was making these jokes with someone he knew I didn’t particularly like. And he also didn’t take accountability for it until I left alone.

Mimi if you make certain jokes around me wewe jua ukimaliza kucheka ni hivyo pia nimemalizana na wewe.

D. People who don’t come through on things they promise

The thing that pisses me off about this one is that 99.999999% of the time this person could’ve just shut up and not disappointed you. Like why would you go out of your way to promise me something, make me look forward to it and then fail to come through. Completely unprovoked, mind you. Because now I’m mad and my faith in you is shaken because you’ll probably fail to come through… again. And even if you offer to give me what you promised later more often than not I’ll refuse. I’ve already processed the disappointment ikanitoka, I don’t want it now and offering to get/do it will annoy me. You’re better off surprising me than promising me something and not coming through fr. Now, while I realise there may be childhood trauma to unpack here, I still stand by sentiments on this issue very firmly.

Anyway, as I conclude, once I start associating you with disappointment… I most definitely will resent you.

(Obviously there are more than these but those are for someone I’m dating because I’d hold my partner to a higher standard)

(And let me put you guys on this song I was listening to while writing this… For people who don’t listen to Rhumba that is. I really do listen to everything🤣)

1. I’m a guy so I can’t write from a woman’s POV. So this piece will look at dating from a mainly male POV.

2. I’m writing this from a proper middle class financial position so there’s an aspect of having to manage your finances properly and budgeting. I’m sorry if this sounds classist, I’m not writing for the demographic that has fake american accents(I’m struggling not to say Kilimani, Westie and such places… oops. Granted they have their own dynamics, but I’m not in a position to speak on them.) and can just ask for money from their parents and they get it.

3. I am not here to even dare promote being stingy toward your girlfriend. If you can buy her what she wants, pay for dates and the like… Do it, fuck nigga!

Haya, let’s go. For the purposes of this piece we’ll need a few assumptions:

1. The couple is in campus/ any other tertiary education institution.

2. We need a ballpark figure for upkeep that makes sense. So we’ll use 4,000 shillings because the margin for variation is pretty small. And if there’s variation, more than half the time it’s usually downward not upward

3. There are no other events like a birthday or Valentine’s day.

4. The couple isn’t doing long distance so there are no major travel costs to factor in.

So you know how it goes. Boy meets girl, yada yada… And they finally date. This piece is just going to look at the financial dynamics. For purposes of the piece lets call the guy Morio and the girl Juliet. So boom, 4k imeingia kwa Morio’s account in the 1st week of a particular month. So as we have it, standing account ya Morio is at 4,000Kshs.

The 4K is meant to cover all his expenses for a particular month. So Morio analipia tokens kwanza. He doesn’t have appliances that need a lot of power, just a system and his phone and laptop. Angefix showerhead but that’s like 1K and it uses a lot of power. And anyway, he read somewhere cold showers raise the testosterone levels of a man, so it’s a win anyway. Anaweka 300 bob only to find himself with only 16 units. More than half of his money has covered ‘other costs’. He sighs and says “Ruto must go!” But at least he has power.

The next thing Morio needs to do is plan for food. Thankfully he has unga and rice in the house. So hesabu ni za protein na veggies. He sits to create a meal plan. 3 eggs zinafika 45 bob. Plus nyanya & kitunguu the total cost is 75. Ugali mayai 4 days a week totals 300 bob. His local mama wa kupika sells legumes from 70 bob and the plan is the rice and his legumes of choice 3 days a week. He remembers a time the mama used to sell for 50 bob. But the economy isn’t doing great… Ruto must go! That’s another 210. Maybe he’ll use another 50 for onions and tomatoes for the week. So in a week he’ll use 560. But Morio isn’t one to eat plain food. He buys 2 whole pieces of garlic at 30 bob per piece and ginger at 30 bob. These will have to find a way to stretch out until next month. So his food budget minus lunch for a month is at around 2,300… If all goes to plan, that is. Last month alikula chapati sana instead of cooking and he spent around 2,500-2,700. If all goes to plan he has 1,400 left to play around with.

Morio remembers Juliet is coming to visit. It’s been a long time since he cooked her chicken, he knows she loves it. One lege, two lege to the butcher’s. “Weka kuku ya mia mbili (200Kes)”, he says. Today his woman will eat well. On a normal day she usually eats fries or maybe beans, kamande or ndengu if he’s already cooked. He buys 2 Pall Mall menthol cigarettes (one goes for 15 bob) to smoke as he chefs up and walks back home. Today he can walk with his head held high. He has the pride that comes with being able to provide for his girlfriend. On most days, he’s had to do some mental math when his girlfriend asks for food, not because she wouldn’t understand or she would react badly, he just wants to make her happy. Whatever msupa wants, msupa gets. Today, he doesn’t have to worry. In fact, she loves a particular soda… He buys the 2L bottle to go down with the chicken and rice.(200 bob). On this particular day, he’s spent around 400 bob but it’s worth it. He loves the way she always gets excited when he serves her her plate. He already knows he’ll have to make the remaining 1,000 bob work an. He suspects she can tell when his money is low because she offers to buy her own fries quite a bit and it always seems to coincide with when he’s headed toward poverty. She even insists on buying him his own fries. Sometime she buys the fries and he buys the soda. They’ve always found a way to make shit work for them.

Morio thanks his lucky stars for giving him a woman who loves him like this. He remembers the one time he had to tell her her couldn’t buy her fries and the shame and guilt it came with. Not from her, no. From within himself, that inadequacy and helplessness triggered something in him. Disgust and self-deprecation. He’s supposed to provide! He’s never seen his dad fail to provide for his mom. He wants to be that for Juliet. He had once again disappointed someone. But not today. Today they will eat well and then will most likely have the kind of sex that would result in their guardian angels covering their eyes in shock and embarrassment.

He knows that 1,000 will run out eventually. He thanks his lucky stars him and his boys have cut down on the drinking. He wouldn’t have been able to handle their midweek benders and a girlfriend. He can go out once a month- twice if his parents send him money in the middle of the month. He’ll set aside money from his food budget for the za and cigs. Ugali mayai doesn’t necessarily need nyanya and kitunguu all the time. And if his girlfriend needs fries, then neither does the stew for the rice. Thank God he bought spices in bulk at the start of the semester.

How? Isn’t he supposed to be broke? He worked during his long holiday, he was paid peanuts but it was better than nothing. He’s already spent a healthy amount of his savings before the relationship, saa hii amebakisha thao. And if it doesn’t go according to plan, he’ll talk to his day one to extend him a loan which he’ll pay back. They do this all the damn time anyway, bouncing that debt around. They both trust each other to pay it back when they finally get the money to do it. He reminds himself that he has to start saving up for Valentines day and his girlfriend’s birthday. And their anniversary. He curses the creators of girlfriend’s day as he remembers he almost overlooked it too. And he has to take her on a proper date one of these days. So much to do, but little to no financial power. He sets aside these thoughts for now or else they will ruin his day. Being broke always ruins his fucking mood.

Morio gets to the metallic door of his bedsitter, his neighbor is blasting Northern Bypass music(see what I did there? Nairobi classicism jamani) and he hums along. His neighbor has played that song so much he now knows it word for word. He hears muffled noise and knows jirani is getting it on. He claps for his neighbor in his head knowing it’ll be his turn soon. He enters his house and takes out the shopping. His phone vibrates. “I’ll be at yours in an hour” reads the text. Just enough time for the chicken to marinate. After what seems like an eternity, he hears a knock. He opens the door and there she is. She hugs him and he smells her. Vanilla perfume mixed with her natural scent. It’s his own personal aphrodisiac and it works very effectively. She can attest. He kisses her and they head for the bed, one thing in both of their heads. They can never seem to get enough of each other. The damn chicken can wait. Even christian heaven can wait. He’s with his own personal heaven right now

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I have gone for my fair share of protests. It was terrifying but exhilarating to be honest. The 2024 protests were just…wow! The baddies were outside, the niggas were outside. I even saw parents and grandparents on the streets standing with the youngins. My mom ata aliniamsha and gave her blessings on the 25th of June bc she realised I had lied to her about my whereabouts to attend the previous protest. The running, the shots fired, being chased by horses felt absolutely terrifying in the moment. And if you’re asthmatic like me, even tear gas carries the ability to kill you. But my friends were with me so I was safe. And then there’s also the fear that your loved ones won’t make it back. I remember my mom calling me on the day parliament was breached because my sister wasn’t picking her phone. Dunia ilisimama walai. Anyway, it turns out she was at the damn fence near parliament when people had started marching that way and she lost her phone when shots started being fired.(Leos and their inability to control their impulses istg… But apparently all fire signs are like this? Idk) Long story short, I had a lot of hope for us even if we didn’t have a change of regime.

Then came 2025. Protests come again because we seem to have a government hellbent on making it’s people suffer. This time the government was ready and less people turned up for the protests. But I still went out to the streets to remember those who passed away and protest police brutality… Bro! You could ask anyone who was around from late afternoon, the cops had us beat bro… We were too few. And then the goons… Wah wah wah… The looting done by those people was actually insane… And even people got robbed leaving town… But I still had hope for Kenyans… But that’s since changed for the following reasons:

A. Kenyans forget too quickly and are easily distracted

I’m sure you remember(at least if you’re Kenyan) in 2024, a score of MP’s voted in favour of the Finance Bill. Right now, we’re welcoming these people to events and stuff and treating them like they’re better than us. Keep in mind, these people were willing to tax us into the damn ground for cushier paychecks. Right now, they’re even changing their health insurance to private health insurance while SHA/SHIF has Kenyans fighting for their lives and it’s sinking in debt. Bro! There’s people with cancer who can’t get treatment! And politicians will have the audacity to have medical procedures done abroad instead of fixing the damn hospitals at home and getting them to the levels they’re looking for abroad. We paid a shitload of money switching from NHIF to SHIF by the way.

And another thing, we have forgotten how certain politicians behaved while in government and we’re now endorsing them for presidential positions or gubernatorial ones. Someone literally oversaw bodies being dumped somewhere and another one said on bloody national television that Kenya and the govt has shareholders. And when he was being questioned he had the audacity to say “I am in power.” Now that he was spurned and he is attacking the government out of spite, people are here shouting praises for him. Another one shot someone and was captured on CCTV, right now people are singing his name like he’s a hero. ARE KENYANS FUCKING SERIOUS???!!!

And another thing… As I’m writing this post, Kenyans are bashing Usikimye which has been accused of being a scam (allegedly). And the proof being brought forward? Screenshots. Meanwhile, we have leaders who’ve stolen billions, built themselves mansions and there’s overwhelming proof of their greed. Instead, Kenyans decide to attack a woman who’s consistently fought against sexual and gender based violence-which btw is a big fucking problem in the country. And the messed up part? People are acting like the allegations are true and they would never hold their politicians to the same standard. Si people wait for her to be proven guilty before crucifying her?? Agh mnanisinya saa zingine! Ptho!! I’m sorry, but I refuse to risk and potentially lose my life just so that you deify the people responsible for any harm that happens to me. Fuck no.

And the tipping point for me? We are back to tribal politics. We’re supposed to be educated and better than that goddammit!! We are supposed to be better than this! But anytime I’m opening the goddamn apps or watching the news, it’s back to tribal politics. It’s enough to dishearten anyone walai. We actually need to lock in as a country.

B. We are just like our leaders

I’ve lived in Nairobi for pretty much my whole life. And everyone who’s lived here will tell you it’s a dog eat dog society. Everyone’s looking to take advantage of someone else. Everyone wants to one up the other person. And I know this doesn’t happen only in Nairobi. In every part of the country, we exhibit the same mannerisms as our leaders. The inability to keep in line on the road so you overlap, the people who cut in line at the bus stop, the ‘business legit’ and deals za mitini… We (myself included) are always looking for the easiest way to get ahead.

We want to be like Japan, China or any other well developed country but the truth is that Kenya is a low trust society- we lack integrity as a society and it’s just the truth.(I’m using the law of averages here guys, in its informal meaning of course… Basically, exceptions don’t make the rules.)

I honestly don’t know if it’s worth risking my life when the next government will be just as bad or worse. I think we may be too far gone and the best option is to teach the young ones so that they don’t have to suffer like we are right now.

C. Kenyans are unwilling to accept reality(election talk)

I keep hearing people talk about elections like it will be a miraculous thing and while I agree that they are important I think we should remember just what happened during the protests and the lengths some people ( I obviously can’t name names) went to ensure they retained power. And it’s not the first time they’ve used violence as a means to an end. Furthermore, if you take a look, the three East African heads of state are boys. Do you actually think they’d allow the status quo to be overturned? They’d rather pump you full of bullets and it’s just the truth.

In my own honest opinion, as long as Kenyans keep giving themselves an out via elections, there’s no point in mass protests to get 001 to step down because we won’t give 100%… And he knows it too.

Honestly, if we want to go the elections route, we are better off electing good MP’s as the majority(which is a pipe dream because we vote for the loudest monkey in the zoo all the time) and then impeaching the guy… And remember you can also recall your area MP.

As I conclude, it’s not that I’m anti-protests… If you want to go please do so! I just don’t want to end up as a casualty for people who are okay with their suffering. Those who died on 25th June 2024 thought we even got to the house on the hill. Instead we’re seated here peddling stupid tribal politics and praising people who’d rather see the common person die of hunger or disease while hoarding resources instead of doing their damn job. I feel like these problems persist because humanity stopped killing the political class when they did too much nonsense, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway nimeongea ikanitoka-mostly. (I have tried to reaalllly cut down the curse words… Nimejam mbaya istg)

I haven’t been a particularly good friend this year or last year. I have ghosted my friends for months on end- even my closest ones, aside from the ones I see in school. I know I haven’t shown up for them how they’d have liked me to and if I met up with them it was only when I felt like it. Very selfish, I know. I could use the mental health argument but I know they also they had their own shit going on and they still tried reaching out. And a friend of mine called me out on it and said they felt like I was avoiding them. I think I’ve only seen one friend of mine consistently (outside of school) over the past 2 years and that’s because he lives close by and he’s known me long enough to know not to pry.

Then shit happened this year. I told my hg (not the same friend who called me out)about a situation that was bothering me and we kind of maintained contact after that (we’d talk like once or twice a month) and then I backslid until maybe the months of June-August. We were supposed to meet up while she was in the country but something came up in school and we had to raincheck. I was bummed out, so was she because we can only meet up during her summer holiday… but adulting is adulting. Sisi wote tunapenda quality time so the plan falling through was like a sucker punch.

But sasa in September I was crashing out over something properly and she took the time to listen to me and take shots over the phone. And we did it again in October although we had an argument over the same situation. Not just with her but also a mutual friend and separately with another friend I hadn’t spoken to in like 2 or so years.(Oops) And when I say I defended my position stubbornly. I used loopholes and outright denials. I was like Leonidas and his 300 men holding off the Persian invasion. It was the first time we disagreed over something in the 6-7 years we’ve been friends. As humbling as it is to admit, they were right.

But the most touching thing is that despite me disappearing and then coming back to burden them with my problems, and then arguing with them, they all chose to be there for me and listen to/support me. They all think I’m worth the effort and the burden. And I honestly couldn’t ask for more. I read somewhere that it’s in conflict that we learn to hold space for each other. (I’ll do my best to copy the link here)

culture craft

Healing is Making Us Mean

“Too much of nothing, so why don’t we give it a try? Too much of something, you’re gonna be living a lie.” (lyrics from ”Too Much” by The Spice Girls…

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10 months ago · 8245 likes · 437 comments · Gloria Alamrew

I have never believed in soulmates.(Slow down Savannah and let me finish) At first it was just because Nairobi is full of liars and you just pick the pretty ones.(Come beat me if you want, everyone in Nairobi is lying in some way to get it on with someone. I’ve done it too!) But I hold the same position with a different angle now. I think the concept of meeting someone and they immediately fit into your life seamlessly-perfectly even- and you live happily ever after is impossible. Whether it’s in friendships or romantically. You’re going to have moments where you’ll feel some type of way about your friends or partners.

(Clock it!!)

And I think that the reason older generations have had longer lasting and healthier friendships and marriages is because they understand this concept. (I just had to talk to an older married guy who’s a really close family friend and ask them how they make it work.)They do not see the other person as perfect but humanise them. I think it makes it easier to forgive each others’ mistakes because you expect the other person to mess up eventually because they aren’t perfect. And in expecting the other person to fall short sometimes, you realise that despite their mistakes or behaviours that piss you off they’re worth the annoyance.

It’s like the neat partner making peace with the messy partner’s closet that looks like a natural disaster’s aftermath. Or the friend who’s always on time for plans waiting 30 minutes for the friend who can never keep time. (Personally I believe being late by more than 15-30 minutes to any plans made without a good reason is very disrespectful and it pisses me off to the highest degree. I think I hide it pretty well but internally huwa nawaka moto kama dragon. Let’s respect people and their time. In fact, I believe people who rate you as a human being don’t pull such stunts.) Basically, the a person has made the active decision to keep the other person in their lives.

And sometimes you may also falter in this. Choosing someone is easier said than done. But I feel like if someone is choosing you/ if they ask you to choose them and they show they want to be in your life, you should choose them. Obviously you’re likely to have an easier time forgiving your partner because you’re sleeping with them and it goes a long way in taking the edge off.(I hypothesise that this is why long distance is hard for many people.. Just a personal opinion) And I don’t want this to be misinterpreted as me telling people to shoulder all the poor behaviours or forgive everything, As with everything, there must be a limit. I know it’s antithetical to this piece, but if someone has made it very clear they won’t choose you even after you ask them, there’s no point in trying to make them do it. Shikilia tu hiyo L. But my own personal opinion is that for a connection to exist you have to do a lot of forgiving and choosing to keep the other person in your life.

I’ve rambled for long enough but my point is that if soulmates(friends/romantic interests) existed, they exist in the form of the people who choose to stay. The ones who decide that life with you is better than life without you. Everyone questions their relationships with people, get cold feet, wonder if they made the right decision... It’s human. But it is in choosing the other person- even when you’re unsure- that love manifests itself. Based on this, I obviously don’t subscribe to the right person wrong time propaganda because being the right person means taking someone as they are and walking with each other.

Love is not just a feeling, it’s a practice that’s cultivated. It’s easy to love your friend/partner when everything is going well and your needs are being met but the real test is when they disappoint you or unable to do anything for you(The latter can be a whole piece on its own, maybe I’ll write on it based on what I’ve seen). I’m sure we’ve all failed this part.

(A ka-reel I found that fits in here)

(This doesn’t apply to abusive relationships please lakini… Mtoke hapo pls… Huwezikuwa unadeal na mtu anakutwanga kama drum ya mokorino or an emotionally manipulative situation na ati you’re choosing them… Or cheating, but if you forgive them that’s your own decision)

And to all the friends who decide to stick around bad friends who become unavailable for extended periods of time, a big kiss on the forehead for you people… Kimunju manze (plantonic ofc, and pause)… I think I’m done writing my poorly articulated thinkpiece.

(Anyway, a jam I thought fits this piece)

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