when your heart
aches

you nod
knowingly

take it up in your hands

tenderly

come here

you say

I am listening

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Listen

i might not always be with you

you might decide

or i might

or both of us together

not to speak again

not to see one another,

to text, or call, or

Interact in any way

Our human mechanics

might necessitate

a total relationship recall

no contact

no hugs, jokes,

no tears, kind words

But listen

for all that

my heart

walks with your heart

When you laugh, i feel a swell,

a smile curves the corners of my mouth

When you ache, i feel a pulse,

a contraction; i send you a wave of strength

When you rise, i rise,

When you fall,

i lend you my hand

My heart walks with your heart

this will never change

at the core of everything

when you need a heart

know

you have mine

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In the movie theater

A hand over my heart

Close to a kind of euphoria -

my own hand

my own heart

my existence,

endorsed by me, and god

in this dark theater

as an ancient tale of homecoming

is retold

I feel every memory of my life

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Life is a banquet, served a the little pink table in my living room. <3 Emotionally, energetically, but also I have been eating incredible breakfasts every morning.

I have much to share !!! Much insight has crossed my path in the last few days !! Please see below :

1. In my work of late, specifica…

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My last meeting today completed at 11am this morning, I find myself peering with a slightly squinty look at my to do list - follow up with a designer, confirm glam for an upcoming shoot, fulfill invoices to my editor, design merchandise for an upcoming event, build class themes and playlists, establish marketing trajectory for a release in September…. to name but a few. And I am struck by a few thoughts, namely:

1. How do we get it all done?

2. When do we get it all done?

3. Where do we start?

4. When do we rest?

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Some of you may relate to these questions more than others, as fellow entrepreneurs and creatives, but the inquiries are universal…

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a branch broke off,
flying away in a gust of wind

but it was only in the break
that i realized the tree was there at all


that there were more branches,
more blueberries

i dreamt
of my brother,

whom i see more in dreams than anywhere else

we were happy
i showed him the blueberry tree

a waxing crescent gleamed through the branches

i dreamt
i overcame the old paradigm
finally broke pointless patterns

liberated myself
and all of us

i dreamt of old, old trees
so big, so steady

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from here, ,,,, my gifts for you:

1. An open heart is a tender, raw, majestic thing. today, after a powerful week — photoshoots, meditation and Pilates classes, housecleaning, poetry, weight-lifting, cooking, connecting, budgeting, business development, courage, wardrobe planning, glam and hair calls, connecting with estranged family members, grief, holding space for my students — i found myself simply sitting down to weep.
   
   there was so much i wanted to take each tear and study her under a microscope. each tear held flowers, glimmers of sunlight, dark nights full of stars, aches and pains, swelling joys ; each tear was a wild, passionate success, a resilience, and consistency, a precious presence, a courage. I wept for my success, my steady trust in g…

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Something I can’t remember now

Said many goodbyes

Thought of a few lines of a poem

Slept in reasonable spurts on a semi-deflated air mattress

Next to a friend who is more and more like a sister

My heart is like a waterfall

My brain the sky

My nervous system, a wild mountain horse

A field the wind moves through

Like sunlight

I am exhausted

When I came home,

The divorce papers were in the mailbox

Stamped, June 26, 2026,

And we are no longer husband and wife

I cut my thumb slicing Brussel sprouts

Sautée them in a pan

Put on my blue pinstripe pajamas

Blow myself a kiss in the mirror

Learn the lyrics to an Irish pop song

This is earth school,

I have just gone up a grade

New classmates are transferring in

Things are different and familiar, at the same time

I listen more

My eyes are lakes

I love you

I love me

All of it is okay

It’s okay

I buy a 5 dollar silver ring

At a native market in Horseshoe

Put it on my left hand where the gold and diamonds were

This is earth school

Everything an e…

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muscles that have been working SO hard finally resting
the soothing murmur of a sitcom layered over
dreams of an illusory but illustrative nature

Mostly, my exhausted body
just so grateful to be supine
My eyes so grateful to be closed

Then
i rejoined the world
called out to my girls, my girls,
drove past the big church on 8th street
Noticed a young man in red shoes
the milling of a school day complete
The sun cheerfully out, the sky fluffy with
bunny rabbits, dragons, pirate ships

Bought a Hoptea, perused the supplements isle
told the teller at the Co-op to make
my account Just Jane
“Congratulations” she said without missing a beat

Heartbreak is a funny, powerful companion
earnest and intentional,
if you allow her to do her work

When the tears come, the contractions,
I do not brace, I clear the area,
making room so she can do what needs doing

After the waves break, i feel so h…

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I have been separated for almost three months now. Things seem to be getting worse, interestingly enough — I find myself crying daily. At the sight of my freshly-mowed lawn, at the newfound space in my bed, while picking up a carton of eggs at the grocery store….

I have been referring to these sudden waves of tears as grief orgasms. They come up slowly, stimulated by external and internal factors alike; I breathe, my cheeks redden, my breath shudders, my heart contracts, expands — tears POUR from my eyes, a wail is torn from my throat, I look beseechingly up ….. and then it is over. Shivering aftershocks, wet lashes, a sense of relief, my body spent, magnesium released.

These grief orgasms …

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find below a list, most beloved, of life circumstances, musings, observations, magics, and so on, from my life of late.

Sift, darling, and enjoy :

1. My 34th birthday was 8 days ago . J'ai 34 ans ! there was a full moon, a Pink Moon, hail, lightning, a thunderstorm, sushi, dancing, disco ball planters, nails, sourdough, and such a light , open peace in my heart .

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we cling, we resist change , we fret and negotiate and cajole and rail, because of the inevitable series of difficult emotions we are required to process in the letting go - forgetting that, while we had the thing/person/job/etc, we also experienced difficult emotions — difficult emotions are woven into the nature of being.

i have come across a way though, recently, of re-relating to letting go. i have taught it in my yoga classes for the last two weeks and now i am eager to share it with you:

think of the circumstance of letting go like the process of inhaling and exhaling.

when we inhale , we breathe in oxygen, we need it to survive. we take a nice big, rich breath, and then our body begins to convert that oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Now, you can hold carbon dioxide in your body for a certain period of time, but past that point it becomes poisonous to you. beautifully, carbon dioxide actually …

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(monday , by the by , was the final day of the chinese year of the snake, right before we entered the year of the fire horse. as a double fire sign with a horse’s heart, i genuinely couldn’t be more aligned than i am right now y’all.)

for context : in 2018, i had just graduated from bard college in upstate new york, with an undergraduate degree in literature, achieved after almost declaring dance, philosophy, painting, and art history as my major.

more context: i hadn’t started my undergraduate studies at bard - id actually started my studies at 14, at the santa rosa junior college, in cultural and physical anthropology, art history, english, french, spanish, theatre, painting, and psychology. i then declined acceptance to ucla as a junior at 17, and at 18 traveled to south america and mexico, studied yoga and mediation, the spanish…

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today i sat in a room at 2:22pm, while all across the Treasure Valley yoga studios came together to meditate, each of us pressing play at the same time, joining our singular energies into one, harmonious frequency. for a moment i felt everyone — for a moment, i could feel every breath, heartbeat, every desperate urge and longing, every dream, realized and dashed - every delicious bite of food, every tear shed, orgasm, nose blown, sneeze, death rattle; all that asynchronous iterating suddenly a symphonic masterpiece ; no walls, no boundaries . us.

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i would love to say i love you, to all of you, and in this moment , from this distance, sitting an air mattress with piano music softly playing, and potential unfolding, i do love you. i love your flaws, and mine. i love your hopes, and mine. i love your wounds, and mine. i love that we are not perfect, that my second to la…

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i came across three things, in that dream theatre expanse of my inner world:

first, a lotus arose in my mind’s eye.

there she sat, pristine, gleaming, her petals a glimmering, lambent pink, her leaves a rich and nourishing green. In her center was light, my light, capital L Light; at her center was divinity. Kind, humorous, peaceful, beautiful, inextinguishable.

i looked up at her in admiration, and then cast my gaze down, at the long root which tethered her to the watery floor of our surroundings; a mud, thick and brown. heavy and dense. no mud, no lotus.

have you heard the phrase?

in yoga, it means that the harder, darker things which occur in your life, if engaged with t…

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it snowed this morning. before a clean sun broke the clouds at 12pm and everything melted away, the white blanket was quite muffling and charming. but i confess i needed the sun, though i wish we’d gotten enough snow to stick. a sunny, snowy day is resplendent, all glittering light and white - makes you feel like you’re in a snow queen’s chilly, cheerful waiting room.

i have been thinking about writing, after reading Anne Lamott in the tub for 40 minutes. the way she just tells the story - just …

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i felt my body and brain cross their arms and lift their noses, resistant to the necessary actions, deciding their level of pleasantness and enjoyability based on myriad preconceived notions.

Around 7pm, a Ram Dass quote sprang into my mind:

it kept repeating itself , like a mantra:

You can do it like it’s a great weight on you or you can do it like it’s part of the dance.

as i returned a leotard to Target, as i donated art supplies to my old studio, as i took photos for a marketplace listing.

You can do it like it’s a great weight on you or you can do it like it’s part of the dance.

As i went to Goodwill to donate clothes , affixed my new license plate , scrubbed the bottom of the oven after a particularly gooey sweet potato bake . and it all became so pleasurable , so stim…

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+ This year
is the oldest any of us have ever been and the youngest we will ever be.

+ In Boise, we are promised our first snow today. The sky is gray and white , heavy, hanging lower and lower as it prepares to release its icy bounty. We will show our cat, it will be her first snow.

+ The brain, during the transition from one calendar year to another, is primed to initiate change and accept evolution - it views the transition as a psychological threshold, and conceives the closing of one chapter and the beginning of another. Use this to your advantage.

Walk through the doorway.

+ Notice nature and the weather this year. Pay close attention to rain, sun, breezes, smells brought on by temperature and water levels; put your hands on trees as often as possible. Do not ignore color in flowers or the buzz of flies, or the rustling of leaves. These are critical. Allow them more sovereignty. Do not …

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Your nervous system is - like your entire human bio-system - miraculous. The delicate yet titanic nature of this dendritic network, lacing your body and shaping your daily life ,is thrilling to contemplate. Think of the nervous system as a series of electro-magnetic highways, sending endless waves of information through your body, assessing safety, comfort, signaling to digestion, respiratory system, heart, brain…it’s reach and impact is stunning.

We are these magnificent feats of biology and divinity, yet so often we move through life without knowledge of our inner mechanics, which inadvertently leaves us at their mercy. Think of it like flying an expertly designed, super-functional spacecraft, but without the operations manual. You’re going to get into some otherwise avoidable scrapes, simply due to a lack of knowledge. But with the ops manual? You soar.

Most of my life has been spent in dedicated pursuit of…

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In the same way I always knew I would have many many tattoos, I always knew the infinity symbol would be my first one. Long before I began to study dendritic reality, metaphysics, neuroplasticity, or multi-dimensionality in any real way, I had a very nascent, sweet sense of the truly infinite nature of reality, and it brought me sweeping joy. I was born with a star for a heart, and during my childhood and adolescence, despite traumatic and challenging experiences, my connection to that star was unfettered, free, easily accessed. Indeed that star heart, come what may, has proved inextinguishable, and today she shines clearer than ever.

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