Here’s the thing: nature is fluid, and nature is consistent.

Moon and Sun.

Tides and Waves.

I was recently in conversation with , clinical psychologist who believes that all therapists are artists (and I agree!) and we were talking about the feminine and the masculine. I was sharing about how good it has felt to tap back into my “type-A-ness” - and he reflected back the element of masculine energy, sun energy, if you will - after years of being in my “type-B-ness.”

From May 2025 up until this summer, it has felt right to be in my feminine energy, my moon energy, with writing ~ of just following my flow, going with whatever is arising in the moment and sending these essays / posts when the inspiration hits.

And, as I mentioned last week, I’ve been feeling so much creative energy that it’s almost destabilizing, to the point where I don’t know what to do with it all.

So, in an effort to give myself some containment and boundaries (and accountability!), especially as I ask you to invest in my writing, and because it has been so fun to write to you for the past several Sundays, for now, moving forward, I’m excited to share that you can expect to receive notes from her therapist each Sunday.

Sundays are our days!

It’s funny

Looking back on Instagram, I notice I would often I post on Sundays about Sundays. At first I thought it was “bad” that I was online and posting on Sundays, and then I started to notice a pattern ~ Sunday was a special day, in that when I implemented some ritual - both in my personal life and in how I showed up online - I felt more settled.

Something in me softened when I felt held by a Sunday routine or ritual - like an anchor each week.

I even remember back in the day loving anything that felt joyful and connected on Sundays. Has anyone ever been to Single Fin Sundays in Uluwatu? My absolute favorite.

Or Sunday football (even if I don’t really watch it anymore), I love that others do.

Last summer my love and I would drive out to the beach to have a Sunday funday (not the college version), followed by prep for the week. In the fall it was frequenting my favorite, cozy neighborhood restaurant for breakfast and tea and a walk home. The ritual has changed over time, and yet the practice of having some sort of routine on a Sunday feels really comforting to me. Sort of how I imagine some feel about church.

I bring this up because sometimes it’s funny to notice the “seeds” we plant that overtime begin to blossom into something greater. How all those little micro moments that seemed insignificant were actually nudging towards something real.

Just the thing that I thought was “bad” or “wrong” (posting on a Sunday) is turning out to be something quite sustaining for me. Those little impulses and urges that I had to post on a Sunday were a glimpse into a greater rhythm that seems to be unfolding naturally.

I feel like my rhythm with sharing on Substack has been a bit like a dance. One step here, two steps there ~ spin here and twist, dip, pause.

Other writers I see write with a bit more predictable of a cadence, and it feels like a drum beat to me. A powerful, rhythmic, steady drum that starts to create an energy field of its own.

I like that I have been dancing with this writing (it is so fun, obviously) and I’m also feeling this dance evolve into more of a steady rhythmic, drum beat. And of course, that may change! And of course, we can still dance within the rhythm.

There’s a part of me that’s nervous to commit to writing weekly on the same day because, as I stated in that original article, when I set rules for myself I tend to break them.

And, I think that was maybe a previous version of me? I don’t see this so much as a rule anymore as I do a sacred practice. A routine. A devotion of sorts.

I used to feel the impending dread of the Sunday scaries. Thoughts like: Will I get everything I need to done this week? Will I do it right? Am I going to get in trouble? sort of just ran in the background, like white noise. Along with the pit in my stomach.

Perhaps this is why I feel so drawn to rituals on Sundays.

Something about ritual on a Sunday shifts that, for me. The Sunday scaries seem to dissipate in the face of something stronger. A sense of connection, not aloneness.

It’s like: here we are. Here you are. We’re back again. Sort of like how the sun rises every day. How the waves always come after they go.

As we move forward, some weeks the essays will continue to be more flow (like this), and others will be more robust and full with insight and structure (as I’ve been weaving in a bit more when I have something vast I want to share). A bit of fluidity within the rhythm and containment. You’re welcome to join for any or all of it.

What are some of your Sunday rituals?

Thank you for being here and see you next time week.

xx jackie

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P.S. Today is the last day to receive 25% off three months of notes from her therapist, which includes access to all free essays along with:

• “How to” essays that dive a bit deeper into niche topics and offer practical insight

• Q&A’s directly from readers like yourself ~ we co-create this together

• Resources to help you return home to yourself, including PDFs, audio and more

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P.P.S. A secret grounding / rooting practice I do (in addition to energy practices here):

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I recently have been feeling more and more connected to my male friends, especially my fellow sensitive men. I love them!

It’s so sweet to connect on friendly level that has nothing to do with anything other than that.

I’ve really been feeling this wealth of gratitude for these men and the ways they are undoing everything I see in the media (except for with Patch, which is “media” I’ll read all day!).

It is so affirming and hopeful to have these wise, sweet, kind interactions and to feel my faith restored in humanity.

And I’m not saying women or people of other genders are all angels, we’re not.

And, there is a very real power dynamic and a sense of danger (that is also very real) that many of us who are not cis-straight-men feel on a regular basis.

Which brings me to this essay

I wasn’t planning to send this one but last night I received a couple of notifications on Substack - a new like and comment!

Obviously, as someone with a small Substack following I got excited!

I went to zoom in (squint my eyes) to see what the comment said, and this was it:

Frankly, I don’t think this person is any threat to me, and it still sent me.

One of my biggest fears of writing more publicly, showing my face, sharing more of myself online is that it is not safe. Whether that is actually true or not, it has taken me so much inner work to be able to show up more authentically and vulnerably - to express online (and in person for that matter!).

Here’s the thing: I have a fear around being exposed. Attacked. Violated. Some of that is very well founded and some of it is my brain going to worst case scenarios.

So, when I receive something like this, with the high and excitement of a comment from one of my cherished readers, I plummeted… and then I raged.

What the actual f*ck is wrong with (#notall) men?

#notall being key here. As I said, I love men! So many of them!

And, this is so f*cking annoying.

Part of the reason why I market myself to working with women is because when I started off in private practice, I was working evenings by myself in the office. I didn’t feel safe working in a room, at night, one-on-one with a potential cis-straight-male client who I didn’t know much about (at least to start). I knew that if I didn’t feel safe with a potential client in the room, I couldn’t do my best work, because I’m the one holding the container.

I know that this is very much a part of my own stuff. My work. And, there is a very real power dynamic at play.

The same way the race, religious background, country of origin, immigration status, sexual orientation, ability - any aspect of identity - is at play in the therapeutic space.

And, to be fair, I have immense privilege across majority of my identities.

Gender is one where I don’t.

I’m so curious how it is for therapists of color to work with white clients. Or queer therapists to work with straight clients. Or any other power dynamic.

So, is this a cop out? That the one area where I feel socially and culturally disempowered I decide not to really deal with? I don’t know!

I am working on it, and I have my own pace.

To me, at this time, it feels like a clinically ethical and appropriate decision - and it’s not to say that I wouldn’t never work with a man, it’s just that I know where I am specializing and doing my best work.

Here’s what really gets me

Maybe I’m naive, or maybe I’m “fresh” and there’s something to be said for that.

After receiving this comment I was caught off guard. I expressed my anger with my husband’s support, and then I texted some friends: “UGH I am so f*cking annoyed and triggered. I just got this comment on a post and it makes me so mad and feel “unsafe” posting / being vulnerable,” with a screenshot of the comment.

The immediate and resounding feedback from my friends was Ugh I HATE THIS SH*T. I get it too. BLOCK. Report if you can. Block and keep going. Yes, this happens to my other friend too and it’s really impacting here. It can be really disheartening and it sucks.

How many people are dealing with this!?

Knowing what has been unearthed in our country (in this world) and continues to be, obviously this silly comment is so minor in terms of violation, and it’s an emblem of the same problem.

I’m making some assumptions here - that a woman or a female cannot write about something and show her face and be online without the risk of this type of comment.

I think back to when I was in middle school, at a bat mitzvah party, and no joke I wore cargo pants, a crop top and a trench coat to cover it. At the time, a boy there (who I later dated - there’s so much there) said, “Why do you always dress like a boy?”

Honestly, I feel like I was ahead of my time.

But at the time, it hurt. I felt like I couldn’t win.

To this day I often wear gender neutral clothes, and I’m at a point where I fully embrace that. Aside from the fact that I love the style and it’s comfortable, it also feels safer. I have some control over the attention I may or may not receive.

And, a part of me now knows looking back, that even at that age, at 12 years old, maybe I didn’t want to be noticed in the short skirt? Maybe it didn’t feel safe to me.

In the same way that showing up online hasn’t, and for good reason!

I think back to my early twenties self. The only woman working on a team of ~12-15 men, all 10+ years my senior. I had to brace. I had to act “professional” and reserved enough to be taken seriously, while staying friendly and non-threatening enough to be “allowed.”

It sounds like I grew up in my grandmother’s era, and yet I didn’t. It’s the 21st century.

And here we are. And I don’t mean to be some Karen who is complaining about patriarchy without also acknowledging the very real privilege I have as a white, cis-, Catholic-raised, able-bodied, well-educated woman.

Perhaps it’s that exact privilege that is giving me the “courage” (naïveté?) to write about this (#mightregretlater).

The point

I cannot believe (and DUH) that so many creators are dealing with this on a regular basis, and to far more disturbing degrees (I imagine) than the comment I received. I know that the bots are out and the bullies are out and there is so much psychological jiu-jitsu that we have to do to continue showing up online and have it be worth it.

It’s partially why I started a paid tier on Substack because in some ways there are certain things that really deserve to go behind the paywall (also because of the time, energy, effort, etc.).

And, it’s safer - or at least it feels that way.

I had a thought after I saw that comment - maybe I’ll just put everything behind the paywall.

But that’s not fair or fun either. I received a text from a friend shortly after saying that she resonated with one of my posts, and it was the exact reminder I needed to keep showing up. YOU are who I’m writing for. Not the stranger who feels compelled to reach out to random women on the internet simply to see if they can get a reaction.

Which, he did. I am reacting.

As my other friends had shared, you just keep going. As we do in life, - and there are so many people who hit this barrier and roadblock far more than myself, and so I’m not really here to offer a solution but just here as a bright-eyed-bushy-tailed-wannabe-writer who is deeply convinced and needs to say that this is f*cked up.

A friend of mine turned me onto the creator Hope Chambers and I love the way she talks about raising her sons. Not only to respect women, but to like women. For who they are. Not what they have to offer. (Or soemthing like that, that’s my takeaway!).

And I love that.

Okay, wtf. Leaving it there. Feel free to chime in (if you’re not a creep).

xx jackie

P.S. Leaving you with milk and honey by Indian-Canadian poet, Rupi Kaur because it’s all in here.

As a child I was on TOP of my stuff. I loved homework. I loved projects (as long as I didn’t have to work with anyone else). I loved coloring in my bedroom and listening to books on tape and organizing my school supplies before the school year started.

In fact, one of my favorite days of the year was when my sister and I got to go get new school supplies for the new year. We would sit on the floor and organize our pens and pencils and cases and backpacks. After weeks of playing in the ocean, and with San Francisco fall (which is really our summer) on the horizon, life felt good.

I also went to a private all-girls school for the first 9 years of my life (after the age of 5) so like, life was really good. In so many ways I had it easy, showing up without a care in the world - no “boys” to worry about, no crazy class sizes, a campus that was sprawling and backed up against the beautiful natural landscape of San Francisco.

And, one thing I didn’t fully realize at the time was that this organization, perfectionism, type-A and straight-A student was a part of me. It wasn’t all of me.

It was where I felt safe, seen and in control. I knew that if an assignment was placed onto my desk, I would return it with glowing reviews and gold stars. Now that was a high.

And then, and I’ve shared this here too. At some point around adolescence, things started to take a slight turn. Not so much externally, but certainly internally. School wasn’t as fun as I remember (not sure if it was bigger class sizes or boys or what). Assignments felt less interesting to me. I started to procrastinate because I was so afraid that if I didn’t get it right everything would fall apart, so I put things off.

I still managed to graduate with above a 4.0 GPA and yet I still didn’t feel good enough.

And more importantly, I wasn’t lit up inside about learning the way I was as a kid.

Here’s the truth

When it comes to almost anything I do, a part of me wants to be “good” and another part of me is terrified I’ll be “bad.” Actually, those are probably the same part.

What I mean is, there’s a part of me that wants to be “at the top” and if I’m being honest, at many times in my life I have naturally been a top performer without trying that hard. I feel annoying writing this, and the truth is that many things came easily to me as a kid, so working hard to a degree also felt easy.

And then, the moment I encountered real rejection, as I share about here, it knocked me over. I thought that since I had worked hard and things had come pretty easily to me, and I still wasn’t enough, there must be something seriously wrong with me.

It was like that one mistake popped the perfectionism bubble, illuminating the illusion and everything that once not only made sense, but also was the architecture of my world, no longer did or was. It was jarring, and it shifted how I approached things that felt hard, to the point where I mostly just didn’t approach them.

Sidenote

This is why showing up online and writing and calling myself a writer (lol) has been both absolutely excruciating and exhilarating.

It is one thing to be a beginner (for a perfectionist). It is a whole other thing to be a beginner in public. It is painful!!! Not actually, but so cringe and weird and I oscillate between Why am I doing this?! to Why I can’t just be “big” yet!? on the regular. Again, lol.

And, I know this is what it takes. I know that the writers and artists and all those who are excellent at what they do, started somewhere.

I was thinking the other day about musicians - the ones who have to show up to empty bars and sing their heart out with a mic and an empty room.

Who have to show up, night after night, with no certainty of who is going to be there or if anyone will even listen - but they continue to show up. And then one day someone really does listen, and it really does resonate. And whether that person is just another human living and learning and unwinding from a hard day, or that person happens to be a producer or an agent (or whatever titles apply to the music industry, I’m not totally sure), then great.

And even if there was never ever anyone to listen (even though I think that’s fundamentally impossible), there is something about the act of expression itself. Of integrating and sharing and moving through something as it’s moving through you.

So, as many times as I have engaged that voice in my head that is giving me all the reasons why I should shut the f*ck up and just go back to living a comfortable, quiet life, I don’t seem to be able to do that. Nor do I want to.

The urge to create is so great and frankly I’ve been a bit shocked at how much creative energy I have. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a 4 on the enneagram or my north node is in the 5th house or that as humans we are ALL creative or what - but I know that when I am expressing from my full authentic self, I am lit up. I’m alive!

It feels like the whole purpose of life.

And then of course, what quickly follows the fear and the doubt.

And then of course, there is the very real dopamine dilemma that I speak about here.

And, I am actually - maybe for the first time - letting myself figure it out as I go, not by trying to figure it out in my mind, but actually by letting myself show up an fail and be disorganized and loud and cringe and energized and different and all the things.

And the part of my brain that is constantly worried about harming others, about being too much, is also learning that - well - it’s not really on me. While yes, of course I don’t want to harm anyone, I am deeply empathetic and aware of others’ emotions and states (which I’m actively working on refining in order to have more agency, as I share about here), and while YES IMPACT DOES MATTER. The fear of having impact is also not a reason not to live or express or create.

Simply being alive means we have impact. It took me a while to accept that one.

I say all this assuming I am speaking to a bunch of overthinkers who tend to withhold their opinions and desires for fear of accidentally harming someone.

I have let the fear of impact stop me from creating and speaking and expressing in so many ways for so long. So much energy with nowhere to go. My body and brain bracing, holding it all in tight. Looping and ruminating and perfecting and trying to get it just right to the point where I never get it out. Carrying its weight.

As I have started to let the creative energy flow, I see how much is there! Especially through creating a paid tier here on Substack, I feel like I finally have a protected, dedicated place for the downloads and ideas to land. I feel expansive and energized and inspired.

I was worried that when I launched a paid Substack tier that I wouldn’t have enough content to share. Now it’s launched, the portal is open, and I don’t have enough time in the day to write it all!

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So, back to it

What I’ve observed through my own inner work and through studying and training to be a therapist, is that although I have this motivated, type-A, organized, Virgo side to me, I also have a part of me that is so quick to collapse - that has a really hard time pushing through when I feel resistance.

I know that privilege definitely plays a role, and I also know that a part of it is developmental.

Learning how to do things on your own, when they’re hard, often starts before we can even talk. Before we can “remember.” It’s a ‘body’ memory of how it feels to initiate, to reach, to pursue, to explore. To have an internal sense of I can do this. These actions and feelings and beliefs are not always conscious; they’re often rooted in subconscious, somatic patterning and implicit memory.

Source: this high-level psycho-ed is pulled from my experience, studies and training of early child development through the Relational Somatic Healing modality and its influences.

It doesn’t mean they can’t change. Of course they can! And it doesn’t mean we don’t have choice. Of course we do.

For me, the journey to become a licensed therapist was the first experience in a while where I actually feel like I worked really hard at something, over time, that didn’t always come easily for me. I persevered even when it was challenging. I am so grateful to have had so much support along the way, and it also took digging really deep within myself to stay in a process that really rocked me to my core.

I did my hours, and I also have done so much of my own work (which, if you ask me, is one of the most important qualities in a therapist).

And now, there’s something else that I want to put my mind to, which I’ve said here (obviously): I really want to write. I really want to reach more innately sensitive, intuitive, creative women who learned how to desensitize early, and who now want to find their way back home to themselves, to their people, to their bodies.

And I know that that takes hard work. Consistency. Vulnerability. Showing up even when you’re met with resistance or silence or doubt or algorithms (which I literally hate trying to figure out and game and yet I know it’s part of it too!). I really do want to do this. And a there’s still a part of me is scared I won’t be able to.

In the past, if I were to call myself ambitious, I sort of felt like a fraud. A part of me is ambitious and driven and hard-working, and now I know intimately that there’s also a part of me that wants to collapse and crawl into a hole when I can’t figure it out.

And, more and more, the core of me, who I am - myself, I believe I can and I feel ready to do this. To listen to that collapsed part of me and really understand what she’s afraid of. What she needs. To know how adaptive she was at conserving energy, and also to let her know that I’ve got this. We’ve got this.

And, it’s time to tap into that ambitious part of me and really nurture, honor and encourage her growth (again). To build resilience. To remind her that there’s a difference between extrinsic ambition and intrinsic ambition, as my friend writes about here. To do the damn thing!

Because while yes, I do feel that writing comes naturally to me (my Sun, Venus and Pluto are all in my 3rd house), and especially writing that is about myself, early relational development and transformations I’ve undergone with a bit of an optimistic flare (my 3rd house is Scorpio and my Mercury is in my 4th house in Sagittarius - it all makes sense), I’m also not at a private all-girls school anymore where everyone is a winner.

And not that I want to be a winner to beat out anyone else (or do I!?), but that I do want to excel! And per Lyla’s article, a lot of that is about intrinsic ambition, vs. solely extrinsic ambition. A fine line I’m learning to walk, learning it’s okay to have both/and.

Moral of the story

As I’ve said, I feel like I’m returning back to my 12-year old self or whatever younger version of me would geek out when she had a full to-do list. It’s officially Virgo season after all: I’m here for the organization. I’m here for the goals. I’m here to move forward. I even chopped my hair back to my elementary / middle school length.

And I know many people are on the opposite side of this right now. Perhaps you’re in a season of slowing down. Being with. Removing pressure to get or go anywhere.

And, I absolutely got destroyed by the solar eclipse in Leo over the past few weeks (I probably should word this differently to take more accountability but I’m letting myself feel “got” right now), so I’m also learning how it’s okay to lean into this type-A-ness while also being fluid with it.

Maybe it’s not about type A or type B, but about balance?

My “type A” years have been more about leaning onto routine, setting goals for myself and having a sense of structure and direction.

My “type B” years have felt more fluid, like I wasn’t totally sure which direction I was moving in. It felt a little chaotic, I felt a little lost, and it gave me the courage to trust the process. To me, this is the greatest gift. Being able to go with the flow enough that you open up to whatever the universe has in store for you (or how every you want to think about it - of course we co-create this!). I wouldn’t be here without them.

And, as I feel into my type-A-ness these days, I feel like I can see the future (someone up above is laughing) for the first time in a while. I have a clear(er) vision of what I want and a general sense of how to get there (although if you asked me a few days ago I would have said I have no clue because #eclipse). And of course no one really knows (!?), but I know enough to put my head down and move forward, even if the direction changes. I have enough clarity and enough has settled within me to be able to commit to something. To take a step forward. And then another one.

And, as I’m writing this and looking back, I know that I was never just one or the other. Never just type A or type B. I’ve always had and needed all parts of me, as we all do!

Okay, leaving it there. Let me know what resonates! Where are you on your journey?

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Thank you so much for being here.

xx jackie

P.S. I even bought an Oura ring. This is indicative of the season. I don’t check it everyday but I feel like I’m an apart of the “club” and it feels good to have some data markers for my health so I’m not just making up reasons why I feel off everyday.

P.P.S. Since I seem to be on a device kick. Update on the Brick: it didn’t work for me. Restriction never does!

P.P.P.S. Last one - can anyone chime in on if this returning to my Virgo-ness at this age is connected to being a Virgo Rising? Thank you!!

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About Jackie: I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in holistic psychotherapy for highly sensitive women to ease anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm, and to reconnect with themselves, with others and with their bodies. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

Question from a reader:

A quote that often gets be fired up is: “what you think, you become” or “what you focus on, you create” or anything in line with the notion that our thoughts lead to future versions or manifestations. They’re all over the gratitude journals I’ve been using.

How do highly sensitive women handle this type of messaging?

My brain is constantly ruminating on negative outcomes, on how I wasn’t perfect, and how I should have done things differently. And I’ve gotten to a point where I can better acknowledge that those ruminations are not my “truth”. My anxiety isn’t my higher self.

But I’m still at a point where the majority of my thoughts are fairly negative and come from fear over trust and truth. And I certainly don’t want to become those thoughts! So it can be a bit scary or demoralizing to see those quotes.

One, I am so grateful that she took the time and felt trusting enough to share with me, and I want to share this because these are the types of questions I love hearing in that they are so universal. I received her consent to share her question with the group. :)

This post is going to be a deep dive into this topic, across a few arenas:

• How to navigate manifestation language or “positive thinking” messaging while also allowing your thoughts to be (because pro tip: letting them be is the way to let them go).

• Psycho-education and difference between thoughts and rumination. A refresher on OCD and how compulsive rumination works (I can’t, nor do I want to diagnose anyone! This is about knowledge-building) including addressing some black-and-white thinking, triggers and more.

• How to distinguish your truth from what you’re being told is the truth, AKA - how to tap into what actually resonates with you (intuition!) vs. fear-based messaging (and also the maybe disappointing reality that it takes time).

• What manifestation really is, from the experts! Yes, I’m speaking about To Be Magnetic here, and actually how it’s quite similar to depth-oriented therapy (including relational, somatic etc - anything that goes beyond the surface!).

• Fear of regret, not living life to its fullest, not doing “it” right. Common fears I hear that seem to hold both part that innately seeks fulfillment and the part that tends toward perfectionism.

So, if you are someone who gets stressed out by manifestation language and ‘positive thinking’ rhetoric, fear not - I actually do not believe that you that you can get to your dream life by simply thinking positively. In fact, it’s the opposite.

Simply said, you are not ruining your shot at the dream life because you have negative thoughts!

If you want both to do self-growth work, and yet you find that trying to simply “be” the best version of yourself is causing you more stress than relief, this is for you.

Yes, your best self and future selves are real, in my opinion. And, we are going to meet you right where you are, and we can bring them in when the time is right.

We are not going to dismiss your negative thoughts or feelings, and we’re not going to “loop” on them either.

It is through presence, noticing the thoughts, being with what’s here and the feeling itself that we reach the other side. It is through the tears that we are cleansed.

It is not manifestation or negative thinking - it’s both/and (per usual). In fact, I think Lacey Phillips, founder of TBM, would agree that it is moving through the negative thinking that is where your manifestation lies (more on this below). Your negative thinking is here for a reason, and not in the sense that it means something terrible is going to happen imminently and therefore you need to figure it out now.

No. That’s not what I mean! It’s often a guidepost towards a deeper subconscious belief that was likely adapted and/or adaptive early, that may no longer be serving you. But we don’t rush because it’s nuanced, as are you, as is nature. So let’s make a little room to be human, and that is where the magic happens.

If you are new here: I know it’s a big step to invest in a Substack writer, especially if you don’t know them personally, so I really honor what a leap of faith it is! A bit about me: I am a holistic psycohtherapist in San Francisco. I specialize working with sensitive women who may not seem so sensitive on the outside - the ones who feel things deeply and tend to process a lot internally, often overthinking, overextending, and overperforming just to keep anxiety or overwhelm at bay. If this sounds like you, I’m so glad you’re here. Welcome to notes from her therapist. 🖤

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And I should also share that I’m being kind of funny with this title, and I’m also not. Because the truth is, or so I've heard, we’re all a little psychic (or a lot). And that at this time in history a lot of us are feeling these capacities more prominently.

I sure am, and I think there’s been a lot of shame and fear about saying it, and I’m also learning that when I feel shame and fear about saying something, that it’s usually the thing I need to say.

Not in a brain dump oversharing way, but it just means that many people are also likely feeling this.

And this is part of it, tuning into the collective unconscious. I know that so many of us are going through seasons and chapters and feelings and sheddings and awakenings (or whatever you want to call them) around the same time. Half of the time when I have a Substack post in my drafts, some other writer who I love has just hit send.

It’s like we’re all tuning into the same program from different places and sharing the notes. How cool is that?

I see it with my clients too. Themes emerge, similar shifts, etc. Not everyone is going through everything or the same things at the same time (of course not), but there are often threads - and it’s really powerful, and such a gift and a privilege to be able to be there with them and witness it. To know sooo deeply in my heart and bones that we are not alone, that you are not alone.

In fact, this is one of the lowkey benefits of being a therapist. Knowing you’re not alone. This is of course why groups are so powerful too (when you’re up for them!).

Anyway, back to the psychic piece - one of the things I’ve been realizing lately is actually how refined and powerful this gift of feeling is. It’s also become so clear to me that without awareness and nuance and refinement, it can also be overwhelming.

There are of course different ways of being psychic and I’m not the one to teach about them, but from what I know you can know things, see things, hear things, feel things.

I fall in the last camp, mostly. I feel things.

And I used to brush this off (and sometimes still do) as being an empath. And shake it off like the confusing coacuphous experience it can be. Because things like walking through the grocery store, the farmers market, or the airport can truly be like walking through a muddy, stormy vortex of all sorts of energies flying around and through.

I remember once going to the beach on one of those 85 degree days in the city, and it was packed. It was one of my favorite days ever. And then, toward the end of the afternoon, I started to feel off. Like really off. Drained, foggy, tired - and as we were leaving, and you’re either here for this or you’re not, I observed how I had taken in so many energies and stuff from the people there. I knew I needed to cleanse my energy.

Note: I share on this below behind the paywall, but if you struggle with OCD, it can be a slippery slope between energy cleansing and a flavor of “Contamination OCD.” This is where mindfulness and nuance become so important, and for some, working with a therapist!

I knew this because I had recently begun my practice of energy cleansing, and my GOODNESS has it been one of the most profound practice of my life (and, as I’ve said before, as I tend to get really into things, really quickly, and the obsession lasts a chunk of time and then often fades, but sometimes doesn't. I still JournalSpeak!).

So, as I’ve started energy cleansing, I’ve become so much more aware of what my energy feels like, and how it differs from others’. It’s quite freeing and empowering to realize that we have agency here. Which we do.

And this brings me to the feelings part. I feel other people, sometimes more than I feel myself. For so long this was confusing because I could go through a day and feel like whiplash had gotten the best of me - from amped up to shut down to clouded and everything in between. I was so open that I would absorb most others and lose myself.

This is where, it has become so clear to me, that dissociation is genius. Can you imagine going through the world like this - this open - and not being able to dissociate?

(Again, please take everything I share here with a grain of salt - this is not a scientific explanation of dissociation, I’m speaking from my own experience! More poetry, less fact - still truth, my truth).

This was one of my unconscious coping strategies before I had the tools to consciously manage my energy. To know my boundaries. To stay in myself, my body.

Example: I was at Outside Lands this weekend (for those who are not from San Francisco, this is our infamous August music festival) and had the best time, partially because I know now (better) how to stay in my own energy, in my own body. Not only to not absorb everyone around me, but also to keep my own energy in. It’s powerful and life changing - and then I get to enjoy all the gifts and strengths of being highly sensitive, including taking in the art, music and beauty all around me - without needing to dissociate (most of the time) because I know and have my tools.

Anyway, the point is - if I had never been able to dissociate, I would have been completely bogged down and crushed by the weight and circulation and weather of all the emotions and energy of the people around me (which absolutely still happens at times!), not just at a music festival, but in life! And this is not their fault. Nor mine.

In fact, sometimes it’s intoxicating! I can also ride high on the good energy of people! Which is a gift, until I lose myself in that too, and then almost become dependent on their energy to sustain my own. Which isn’t fair to them either.

And, I should also just say, that of course I never really know what someone else is feeling. That would be me projecting onto them if I just assumed I knew. I’ve been on the receiving end of that and it’s conflicting, it can be both clarifying in that I feel seen when someone “reads me right,” and also a bit like a trippy, intense, confusing power dynamic that pulls me further outside of my own agency. Like, are you right, or am I? Do you know me better than I know myself?

So it’s not to say that just because I feel things, I know exactly what you’re feeling, and of course it’s different with everything and everyone, but I would say that I can really sense. Which freaks some people out. And that’s fair.

Because it also doesn’t feel good - as I mentioned above - to be on the receiving end if you’re not really consenting to that. In my example above, I was working with an energy healer, but I also know the feeling of being out in the wild and having someone else be so open that I feel a bit exposed. Like they’re trying to read me. I don’t love it. And I’m not here to replicate that because I don’t think it serves anyone.

It’s similar to being a therapist and learning boundaries. Like when you go out some people ask, “are you analyzing me right now?”

Tell me you’ve never been to therapy without telling me you’ve never been to therapy.

The truth is, I am desperately trying not to analyze you. In the past, before I went to grad school and learned how to be a therapist with healthy boundaries, I probably would have been unconsciously analyzing you so much more than I am now. And the same thing is true for me, which is such a blessing, with feeling. I am refined enough (most of the time) that I am able to stay in myself and not read or take on others’ emotions.

A part of me is laughing at myself. Let’s just say I’m working on it. And I share more below about how I’m doing this.

Where the gift comes in is, of course - as always - with mindfulness and awareness. I usually, almost always, come back to mindfulness. To presence.

Literally, after several years of being a client of therapy and a therapist, I would say presence remains the most important piece of it all. Again, that’s coming from someone whose focus has been early developmental trauma, so of course presence is most important. It may not be that for someone else. For someone else it could be insight, or who knows!

When you can start to tune into your energy, and get really clear on what that feels like, then you can start to differentiate what others’ feels like. You can start to tune into the subtle differences, and if/when you need to (e.g. like in therapy, if you’re a therapist, when it supports you and the other person) - you can remain open enough to tune in and then check in with them to see if what you’re sensing resonates or not, and also staying enough within your own agency and self that you can return to you. It’s powerful! And not in a power over kind of way, but a power with kind of way. It deepens the ability and space to witness. It deepens the experience of being witnessed, of being known. And I think this is when and where healing can be so potent, since it so often happens with another.

Note: It works the other way too, that when you are clear in yourself, in your energy, you can also prevent others from trying to drain you, whether they mean to or not!

For those who resonate with this and want to explore a bit further, below I share more about my personal experience, three specific ways of how I am cleansing my energy and returning to myself, and a highly sensitive person survival “thrive” kit.

Let’s go 🦋

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There was a point back in the early days where I didn’t understand how the platform worked. I didn’t understand that the little icons up top meant that a new newsletter was there. I didn’t understand that a “newsletter” was even separate from a profile (for a while, my newsletter was called “jackie”).

At the time I read most of my Substack newsletters when they arrived in my email inbox. I looked forward to seeing the newsletters pop in amidst other life emails.

And then, I proceeded to subscribe to dozens of newsletters, at which point I had to filter them out of my inbox and into a separate folder in Gmail, which I never opened, because they were taking over.

So then, I never read the emails (since they weren’t in my inbox) and I started reading them in the app or web browser.

(Are you bored yet? Or are you with me.)

At that point, I started to understand the whole world that is Substack. I started to understand how ‘notes’ were kind of interesting and could introduce me to new writers. I started to understand that when one of the little icons had an orange dot next to it, it meant that there was a newsletter “in my inbox.”

I started spending more time on the Substack app or web browser. Previously, I would only hop on to write something - skipping the homepage all together.

Now, at times I find myself hopping on to check my notifications and stay there - scrolling (not for too long), or refreshing, and definitely checking.

Which brings me to social media

I think a lot of people have been feeling it - but also maybe not, I’m not sure. It feels cliché at this point: there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel super ‘safe’ on Instagram. I think this is partially because I am so sensitive, that when I open the app I feel like I’m opening to a portal that is vast, loud and crowded - not in a shoved together kind of a way but in a cacophonous way. A bit like a void. Like there’s a mass of people and I can’t see their faces and they’re all spread out and also huddled together.

It feels sharp and jarring and just a lot of unknown. It feels a bit like standing on the edge of a cliff.

Substack, on the other hand, has felt like opening a book - or stepping into a library where everyone showed up for the author’s book talk whose book they adored and with whom they are just dying to speak.

And yet, one thing I’ve been noticing about Substack is that I’m starting to get hooked in the way that I have with Instagram. Instead of just hopping on to write, I’m also hopping on to check - did someone like a note? Has anything gone “viral”? How is my post doing?

Ugh, it’s embarrassing to say it now, and I know that it’s not all of me.

When I started writing this essay I had just finished meditating - like really meditating - for the first time since February. As I mentioned in this essay, in February I decided I had to revise a lot of my daily practices and rituals in order to “meet the moment,” and meditation was one of the things that I chose to pause - a practice I had steadily maintained for close to 10 years.

Pausing this practice served me for a while, and was interesting in its own way. In some ways I felt a little more “here” - a little more in my life instead of observing it - a little enthralled with how addicting it can be to move quickly. However, as it usually goes, lately I’ve been feeling that while it is fun and adrenaline-boosting at times to live at full speed - to not pause - to not observe - to just be in it - it’s also a bit taxing.

Especially for someone with as sensitive as a constitution myself. And not just sensitive in the highly sensitive person way, but sensitive in a different way too.

I am very sensitive to dopamine.

When I am not steady and grounded in myself. When I am not really anchored in these daily practices. When I am just going through the day without rooting into something religiously, I will get pulled into the spiral of refreshing and checking.

It’s a bit like being out at sea - or to use a surfing metaphor - it’s a bit like chasing every wave that kind of appears like it’s a good one. Instead of sitting back, observing the sets coming through, the other surfers, and knowing when it’s time to go.

Going for every single wave wastes a lot of energy and reduces your chance of actually getting a great one. Unless of course you’re a pro surfer and can just ride circles around everyone - which I’m not.

So I need to know myself. And at times it feels like logging into Substack and checking for what’s up is a little bit like trying to go for every wave.

I’ve known that there’s been something a bit off about this relationship with these platforms, and yet until now, I haven’t really slowed down enough to truly sit with that. Let alone do anything differently.

The inertia can be so intense - so intoxicating - that pausing feels impossible. A humbling reminder of what happens when you fall off your practices (at least, for me - I’ll speak for myself). And a humbling reminder of how powerful dopamine is.

And, I love being on here! I even love creating on Instagram.

So, it’s a bit of dilemma - trying to figure out the balance of how much to participate online and how much to protect (AKA delete, abort, bye).

My friend and fellow licensed therapist was also speaking about this the other day, and when I expressed that I too shared this dilemma, she said something that calmed something in me: we may never figure it out.

Mind-blown. We may never figure it out. Here I am trying to figure it out - trying to figure everything out, and it may not be possible. I found so much comfort in that!

Finding the dance, figuring it out

So, when I was meditating, it came through so clearly: Ohhhh, I got hooked. I’ve been in this dance, this loop, of paddling in circles. Spinning to the point of exhaustion and disorientation.

And yet, I’m finding that for whatever reason, for me, this dance seems to be so caught up with creating in general. There can be a bit of a “high” when the creative energy flows and a bit of a “low” when it doesn’t.

I can get so caught in that inertia, both of creating and consuming, and then checking and refreshing.

So, what to do?

Naturally, I’m going to try to figure it out right after I said I wouldn’t:

I definitely won’t stop writing and creating, and I most likely won’t stop showing up on Instagram. And, while I appreciate these platforms in so many ways - they have connected me with incredible people, offered ways to discover new content and creators and discuss topics that I’d normally just be discussing with myself - I also need to be really honest with myself: I’m not the best surfer in the water. I am not the one who can go for every wave. When I am doing that - when I find that I’m logging on just to check, or numb - vs. to write or read, I’m slipping into that spiral I know so well.

And, this is all integrated with the joy of actually writing. Of writing something that flows, that feels so natural and joyful - completing and sending an heartfelt, aligned essay - that is actually like riding the wave.

One intention for re-acquainting with my daily practices is to serve and anchor and ground me in this season, and to help me to be more aware of the difference.

Because here’s the last thing - this dopamine hook takes so much time. Not just the time actually spent checking, but the time that lingers from an amped up nervous system, the thoughts spinning, the heart racing - all of which inhibits me from cooking the nourishing meal I so desperately want to prepare. From going on that walk that will shift my whole day. From being present with my love when we are reading on the couch. From living.

And, here’s the actual last thing. The more that I do write - the more that I do put myself out there, as someone with perfectionistic tendencies and equally strong parts of me that want to hide and to be seen - the more I will check. The more I will log on. It’s kind of just a fact right now. Until I get over the hump of not caring (can’t wait) - if that’s even a thing. Especially as a therapist, it feels SO EDGY having an online presence. I still can’t get over it sometimes, and yet some deep inner force keeps nudging me forward.

So, like with surfing, as I continue to make my way back into the water, back onto this platform - there will be days where I’m paddling in circles and feeling off, and there will be days where I’m feeling in flow. And today was very much a both/and day.

A few things I’m trying, as I’m finding the dance and figuring it out

1. Getting clear on my why: Noticing if I’m logging on for the dopamine boost alone (checking my notifications, scrolling through notes, impulsively writing a note to try and boost engagement), or if I’m logging on to write or read an article I’ve saved, share some notes that feel aligned or if I’m in a settled mindset and want to explore peacefully. If it’s the former, I’m trying to pause and do something else that’s dopamine boosting and more impactful: e.g. laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. It feels a bit like parenting myself.

2. Checking in with my future self: Imagining how it would feel to go out in public after writing something and sharing it. If I feel a cringe feeling, it may be too vulnerable or I may not be in the right headspace to share it. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever share it, or some version of it, but perhaps it’s best to sit on it for a night. I’m not going to get it right 100% of the time (sometimes it really takes trial and error), but I want to give my future self the opportunity to go about her day without spiraling on something I shared impulsively. This is a bit more of a preventative measure than a responsive one. We need both!

3. Seeking outside support (because these apps can be addictive!): I just bought a Brick, a physical device that helps you manage (and limit) time spent on distracting apps. Will report back.

How about for you!? How are you navigating this?

xx jackie

P.S. I’m doing the To Be Magnetic “Be Seen” challenge and it’s bringing up allll the things. It makes me think about how much of my creativity is generally tied up in perfectionism. How easily something that I love can turn into something to be good at or valued for. It’s such a journey of learning how to express and create without attachment to a desired outcome. Without the fear that whatever I create may live on in a way that no longer represents me as I grow. All questions I continue to grapple with - living and learning and sharing as I go!

About Jackie: I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in holistic psychotherapy for highly sensitive women to ease anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm, and to reconnect with themselves, with others and with their bodies. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

This is also my first paid post. Expect more of these!

My free essays are usually stream of consciousness, fluid, easy-going and easy-flowing (memoir-style). They are focused on my own experience with some how-tos and psycho-ed woven in. These paid posts are not not that, but they also integrate more of my Virgo-ness. I get a little more structured, a little more type-A. It’s fun.

For today:

If you are someone who has struggled with the health system, whether it’s the western medical system, functional medicine or holistic health world, then this is for you.

If you are sensitive by nature and have felt failed and/or overwhelmed by approaching doctors and other health practitioners and medical environments, this is for you.

If you are someone who avoids any interaction with the health system or doctors because of negative experiences in the past, or you simply don’t like the office vibes of bright lights, loud noises, crowded halls, sickness, sterility, etc., then this is for you.

This is for all the women who’ve learned that they are not the experts of their bodies because newsflash, you are.

If you have ever felt intimidated or pressured by a doctor, have ever felt frozen in the face of authority, have not been sure how to navigate the landscape, this is for you.

If you are the one who gets anxious having any type of procedure done, whether it’s dental, medical or otherwise, this is for you.. and I’m with you!

As a fellow highly sensitive woman - and let me just say that I did not realize I was sensitive until my late twenties / early thirties - I really understand.

As a therapist who has had significant training in somatic, relational and trauma-informed approaches to healing, I also have thoughts through my lens as a clinician.

This article blends personal and professional experience into somewhat of an easy-to-digest, accessible guide for navigating the health system - not in a “how to find the right doctor” way, but rather, how to stay aligned and connected to yourself, while seeking the care you need and deserve.

If you’re ready, let’s dive in!

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That would just be another version of trapped and I’m not here for it.

In fact, I had a vision a few years ago during a meditation, of my future self sitting at my future kitchen counter in my future cozy San Francisco home, at my future laptop in a comfortable outfit writing to you.

I envisioned an online community of women with whom I was engaging, sharing my insights and experience, from and with whom I was learning and growing, answering questions and connecting with joyfully. It struck me because at the time, I had no idea what this vision was. It felt right and exciting in my body, and it felt far away.

It was long before I started my Substack, before I even knew what Substack was, before it ever crossed my conscious mind that I could do anything else beyond (and to compliment) my sacred one-on-one therapeutic work with my clients.

Then, it occurred to me the other day, oh, this is it. This is the beginning of that vision - this is what I am actually starting now, what we’ve been starting together!

It feels so right, and I am so glad you’re here.

What ‘notes from her therapist’ is all about

I write about myself, a lot. Like actually - most of what I write on here is just me living (and failing - which is new (not actually, obviously, but consciously and intentionally new)) and learning and growing. Basically sharing as I go.

And, I’m not only writing about me for me, I’m also writing because I deeply believe that what is right for me (aligned) is also hopefully right for someone else. That when I write from a place of authenticity, which happens to be a messy, stream of consciousness reflection on often something that is integrating for me on the backend, it resonates with you too.

At times this feels weird as a therapist, and yet we are also living in a modern world where therapists are showing up online.

And, as I have shared, I am a Generator in Human Design, which means I do my best (life and work) when I respond. This means that my essays that have resonated the most with you all and the ones that are the most fun to write, are the ones where I feel some ping of intuition, like a full-body YES. There’s something here that needs to flow.

It’s like a response to either an inner experience or something that one of you has shared or asked me. And I’ve been craving to go deeper on some of these things that’s you’ve brought to me, or things that have emerged from my own well of intuition.

So, after months of sitting on it, I am launching a paid tier here on Substack that includes more in-depth posts where I can respond to your specific questions, insights, etc. I am SO excited (and if you haven't learned this about me, one of my toxic traits is I get extremely excited about things from the start).

What to expect moving forward

Continued, personal essays available to all subscribers that explore topics like:

• My own life experience and learnings (memoir-style)

• Spirituality and nature (esp. the ocean!) as a teacher and a reflection of intuition

• Unlearning being “good” (appeasing, complying) and learning to be whole

• Embracing and “surfing” the waves of anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm as a highly sensitive, intuitive woman

• Psychoeducation on early relational development and mind-body approaches to healing, to returning home to you

• Reclaiming the power of sensitivity, creativity and joy!

In addition to all free content, paid subscribers also receive access to:

• ‘How to’ essays that dive a bit deeper into niche topics and offer practical insights (this is where my Type-A-ness comes out and I’m excited)

• Q&A’s directly with readers like yourself ~ we co-create this together

• Resources to help you return home to yourself, including PDFs, audio and more

Some of these topics are things I’ve been thinking about for almost a year. They are things that really do require more time, depth and thoughtfulness on my end in order to share with you - and that are really meant for other sensitive, intuitive ones who feel the call, or the pull, to deepen. Who are here for the long-haul. For transformation. And for fun - for something to look forward to when you curl up on the couch.

My intention and hope is to create an accessible, warm, home that is introverted-friendly (and extroverted-friendly - we welcome all!) - a space where you can pop in and out at your own pace. Where your inner child can feel a sigh of relief, and also some warmth in the low-expectation and yet equally deep connection. Where the content and community will be here for you when you need it.

In therapy we’re trained not to give advice but rather to guide you back to your own inner wisdom.

If I’m being honest, at times I do give advice - but rarely, because I actually know that I don’t have the answer. Of course it’s different with a friend than it is with a client, and as I’ve mentioned so many times, this is not a replacement for therapy or professional support, AND one thing I can do well is help you return back to yourself.

Things like:

How do you make decisions?

How do you know what’s right for you?

How do you tune out the noise and connect with intuition?

None of these are a quick fix, And, there are ways to do this and get there and move closer to that clarity… and I’m so excited to bring that here more!!

For those who’ve been here from day one, thank you. For those who are new here, welcome. I’m SO glad you’re all here and so excited to see what we create!

xx jackie

P.S. Please let me know what Q&A’s, topics, questions, etc. you want me to do in the coming future! As I’ve mentioned, I have some in the works and one on its way to your inbox shortly :).

About Jackie: I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in holistic psychotherapy for highly sensitive women to ease anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm, and to reconnect with themselves, with others and with their bodies. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. In order to protect confidentiality, I do not follow current or former clients back. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

In fact, one of my college application essays asked us to write about our favorite word, and why. I wrote that my favorite word was “why” and then my essay was a bunch of questions that I had - why this? why that? I literally think one of the questions I put in my college essay was, why is the pregame often more fun than the game?

Needless to say, I did not get into that college.

In fact, I was so delusionally convinced I would get into that college that my BFF and I drove home to open the admissions letter, with the school’s jersey hanging from my bedroom wall, only to find the “we regret to inform you…” and sat there stunned.

It’s kind of funny now, but at the time that rejection letter sent me.

I was a straight-A student, full resume, doing everything right. As I mentioned here, I had followed all the rules (most of the time) and was the epitome of “perfect.”

But I wasn’t quite good enough. And this, my friends, is the fear I had all along - confirmed by the place to which I had handed all my worth, and I didn’t make the cut.

Of course, now looking back it all makes sense. Not only would that school have been a terrible fit for me, but also I was both a little too assured that I was special and deeply insecure that I wasn’t enough at the same time. The paradox of a lifetime.

This is the trap of perfection. We are convinced that we need to show up a certain way and live in the delusion that if we do, everything will work out. And meanwhile, beneath the surface, there is usually a paralyzing fear. Some desperate attempt at controlling the uncontrollable. Living in the illusion that if I just get it right, everything will be okay - at last.

And then this goes on for decades and we’re constantly chasing that feeling. Like being almost at the top of a hike to see that spectacular view everyone was talking about, only to find that at every turn there’s a bit more to climb. And then over time it’s kind of like, why did I go on this hike in the first place? It’s not that fun.

And when life starts to feel like that, we burn out. Not so much in this collapse-all-of-a-sudden kind of way. More like ‘I’m on the hike but somewhat checked out, somewhat dissociated, not really paying attention to the conversation of the people I’m with, or the stunning details of the leaves and nature around me, or the sounds of the birds and the feeling of the breeze and sun’ kind of way. I’m a little cloudy, physically tired and achy but also somewhat disconnected from even physical sensation. I’m floating through the motions, overriding both my body and the feelings of disappointment, sadness and who knows what else.

And then, on top of that - you’re wondering what’s wrong with you because everything is perfect! You’re on a hike with your people and yet you’re not really there. You’re not really happy or satisfied or present or feeling into this gift we call life in the same way that other people seem to be. It doesn't make sense.

So you then, perhaps, try to figure it out. Why? Why am I not so happy? Why am I not like everyone else? Why am I not enjoying this hike? Why did that relationship not work out so many years ago? Why didn’t I get into that school? If I had just taken on that extra leadership role, would it have worked out? If I were only a little bit better at that sport, would they have taken me? Where did I miss the mark?

Shame, embarrassment, panic - those things you do start to feel because they are loud enough and wiry enough to cut through the numbness, the fog. They are like electric currents that jolt you awake. In a way, it feels good to feel something again, and yet it’s also so uncomfortable. So we must find a way to cope:

1. Perfecting the body. Running the 5 miles. Doing the toning workout. Eating ‘clean’ to feel in control, only to snap at one point and feel flooded with shame.

2. Perfecting the Instagram reel and highlights. Reveling in the flood of good vibes when the likes start piling up, only to feel depleted and empty when they quiet.

3. Perfecting the work persona. Silently grinding away, staying up til 2am and panicking internally about outcomes, while keeping your cool, confidence and stature in public.

The list goes on.

And the point is, this disconnect - between how you feel (or don’t) internally and how others perceive you, even how you perceive yourself - it’s all very disorienting.

Who am I? Where am I? Who are my people?

Let me pause here because if this is resonating there’s not much more that needs to be added at this time. There’s also not a solution or anything that needs to be fixed.

The point I want to make is that so often women come to me with the same quezon that I have circled in my brain for years: Why?

And the irony is, that in many if not most cases, we simply cannot answer that question from our brains.

While there is a ton of value that comes from insight about our past, and I myself have found a lot of comfort when I’m able to understand this information to a degree, trying to figure it out from the mind does not work in the moment.

There are two pieces of psycho-education that I wish everyone knew.

The first is that when you’re stressed or overwhelmed, the part of our brain that asks ‘why’ can’t communicate very well to the part of our brain that sounds the panic alarm. Let me repeat that again: the overthinking brain cannot really effectively connect to the anxious brain in the way we wish it did. It’s like trying to make a phone call when the signal has dropped. This means that you could be trying to figure out why you’re stressed, anxious, panicked for hours but it won’t actually help to calm your system. You will not reach the resolution you are looking for, since in the moment those two parts of the brain are not in clear communication with each other.

However, the part of our brain that notices with curiosity, and without judgment or interpretation - that is able to observe what is without trying to make sense of it or change it - the part of our brain that is mindful (aware) - is much better able to communicate with the part of the brain that sounds the alarm. Thus, being able to notice, on a moment-to-moment basis, what is happening, without attaching to it or fixing it, can help calm the brain and body and restore a sense of safety. The signal comes back online.

This means that fixing does not work. Actually allowing and noticing what already is to be here, does. And by work I mean we allow it to flow. To exist. Because it already does.

Does that make sense? Please let me know in the comments if you have any questions about that!

The second piece that I wish everyone knew is that so much of the part of childhood that impacts us on a deep, fundamental level is the part of childhood that our minds don’t consciously recall. This means you can spend hours, weeks and years trying to analyze why you are the way you are, based on the limited knowledge you have, and it may never actually explain that panic that resides in your chest, those 3am wake ups, or the slow, subtle sense of being less happy than everyone around you.

This is not meant to incite more panic, but rather to ease the (false) notion that you need to figure it out. I share a lot more about this here, but for now just know that from when you are in-utero until about 3-4 years old, so much is happening. On a cellular level. On a physical level.

We are literally swimming (floating?) in the essence of the person who carried us. We are literally making sense of the world based on how we were held. How much touch and safe touch - we received. How close we were to our - and I’m honestly having trouble finding the word for this because it’s different for everyone - mothers, caregivers, parents - what I really want to say is our worlds.

When we enter this earth, our primary caregivers are literally our world. And we actually don’t know that we are separate from them.

You know that feeling in yoga or meditation or even when you’re out in nature, and you just feel - we are one? There is no separation here? We are all connected?

That is how we humans enter the world. We literally do not understand that we are separate. So therefore we make sense of ourselves through our number 1’s (caregivers - whatever word words for you here). We are them and they are us. We are one.

This is so profound and deep, and so imprinted on a cellular level, and then as we age and our brains develop we learn to integrate that deep into our bones, our bodies, our muscles, our structure, our hearts. Then, of course, at some point we realize we’re separate, to a degree, - we are our own person - we are unique, and we get to exist as an individual while staying in connection.

Well, if you’re lucky you got that, and actually so many people didn’t. And this - these dances of individuation and separation and connection and merging and all these little and big dynamics are often at the core of our aches, our love, our existence.

And it is all very complex and profoundly layered and if you are starting to spiral trying to figure out what your experience was, I invite you to loosen the grip.

There’s nothing to fix.

This is a part of life and your journey.

And, this is actually why the body, and relationship, is integral to therapy when you are interested in doing transformational work. The body is the memory. Implicit memory, or unconscious memory, is recalled and expressed through physicality, relationships, emotion - unlike explicit memory, or conscious memory, which is recalled and expressed through cognition, story, a beginning-middle-and-end.

This is why you cannot think your way out of the toxic relationship pattern. A part of you knows it’s not good for you, and yet another part of you continues to return.

You can’t think your way out of loneliness. You know you have a support system and yet you still feel deeply, existentially alone.

And of course, please take whatever resonates and leave the rest. I am not the expert here, you are the expert of you. I am just a conduit of some information that ironically may help you ease your mind because what I want to make clear is that you make sense.

Even if “it” doesn’t make else, you do. Your patterns and feelings and thoughts and spirals and numbness and all of the things, they are here for a reason. Not in some dreadful way that means that you’re doomed and this relationship is wrong or you are bad - in the way that our overthinking brains can spin out and convince us of all the ways that things are going to go wrong.

No. These things, patterns, etc. are here for a reason in that they are likely early, early adaptive patterns that your genius soul and being learned how to adopt in order to get through. And they don’t need to be fixed. You don’t need to figure them out.

Let me tell you as someone who has been in somatic, relational, trauma-informed therapy for years, who has a master’s in Somatic Psychology, over 300 hours of Yoga training, who has completed multiple extensive, year-long trainings in approaches for early, relational developmental trauma (you can visit my website here for the list if you are someone who values credentials - I did at one point, and still do sometimes, too) - here I am ~10 years into my “healing journey” only to find what I wish I had known all along: there is nothing to fix.

Yes, there is “another side” in the sense that when you do embark on a healing journey and a transformative journey - of course there is another side. The relief, ease, self-knowing, connection to self, your people and your body - it is pretty remarkable. And it’s also not perfect. I still am spinning out (as you can see from previous essays I’ve written on Substack). I still struggle in relationships. I still get triggered. I still spiral.

And if there’s one thing I wish my 25 year old self knew, it’s that there’s nothing to fix. It actually isn’t so much about reaching the other side as it is the journey. Becuase if it were only about the other side, then what were the last ten years for? No. It’s about - and I more convinced of this than ever - finding presence along the way. I almost wrote joy, and then I deleted it. Yes, to joy, but really - presence.

I think it might be an American thing, this fixation on happiness. When the reality is, and my new return to surfing is reminding me of this all the time - so much of the experience in this life is not the wave you’re riding - it’s the paddling, the falling, the trying, the sitting and watching the horizon - noticing the shifts in the tides and the ebbs and the flows, noticing when you’ve drifted form your starting point, saying hello to those in the water with you, having the courage to even get in the water! Breathing and trusting between bouts of getting pummeled, and then - of course, that ride. The beautiful fluid experience of riding the wave that makes it all worth it.

And yet, as I shared here - even the days when you go out and don’t get a ride, it’s also worth it. Just getting in the water. Getting out there. I think that is the point.

So, with that, my intention for this post was to share about my expertise, and instead I just went on a roll - which is kind what I do!

Thank you for being here, and until next time!

xx

jackie

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About Jackie: I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in holistic psychotherapy for highly sensitive women to ease anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm, and to reconnect with themselves, with others and with their bodies. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. In order to protect confidentiality, I do not follow current or former clients back. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

The truth is it was less about not wanting to sit with them, and more about only wanting to sit with my small crew of three friends with whom I could totally relax and be myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that version of me, my middle school self, because she’s been showing up lately. Ever since this winter when I found myself listening to Alanis Morrisette on repeat and screaming lyrics like Ironic in my car.

This is because I was studying for the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) exam, the exam that many therapists need to take in order to become licensed in California and I was anxious as f*ck.

I thought I’ve been anxious for a while now - actually, for a while before that I didn’t even think I was anxious because my whole life in many ways I’ve been the “chill” one (did you know that a severe stress response can look like being “chill”? More on that later.). It wasn’t until my therapist gave me one of those looks: Seriously? Do you really not think you’re anxious? And then I was like, woah okay you’re right. This was probably three years into twice-a-week therapy.

Even we therapists need therapy. Especially we therapists need therapy.

Anyway, so then I was like, okay, I’m anxious - until I realized that I also have OCD (newsflash, they’re not the same thing). So then I was treating my OCD, largely on my own because my brain doesn’t turn off and I am constantly finding new ways to heal myself… and THEN (and I promise I’m almost done with this part), the LMFT exam approached, and my God have I never felt so physically anxious in my life.

That’s when I really understood that anxiety is physical. Deeply physical. Chest tight, heart pounding, breath shallow. Feeling like I could die and also storm through anything and still have adrenaline. I even went for a RUN for the first time in years because walking wasn’t cutting it.

It took me back to my middle school days because I needed to call on the most hardcore version of myself. At that time I was a straight-A student. I loved school. I hated life. Or it’s more like I was somewhat starting realize that things in my life felt off and I wasn’t so happy as I thought I was or should be. Like many that age I was entering my emo era. I shopped at Hot Topic and listened to all forms of rock music. I was navigating dating (“dating”) and boys and hormones.

I also felt some comfort in this harder side of me that was emerging internally. It was a side of me that no one could touch. She felt a badass in a white-girl-in-private-school kind of way.

She was a part of me that at times in therapy in recent years I’ve felt a lot of guilt around. She’s the part of me who “hates” you and is pissed and guarded and angry. She is also deeply sensitive and hurting inside and yet would not let a soul see it.

And, I knew she was the only one who would get me through that exam. She knew how to buckle down and study like her life depended on it because in her day it really felt like it did. She was the one who wouldn’t and couldn’t fake it anymore. She was the one hiding from anyone except her closest friends at lunch, and here’s why:

As a highly sensitive girl who has no idea she’s sensitive - who is taking on and absorbing the dynamics, subtle chaos and relationships around her. Who finds solice in the structure and predictability of school. Who really, truly is an introvert in many situations, despite how she may be able to appease and deliver an A+ performance not only in school but also in social settings - a star at being likable, lovable, admirable and well behaved. She is shy. Meeting new people is like the anti-magnet to her body - unless they’re her people. With her little group, she’s free.

Side note: Last year I learned that I’m a 4/6 in Human Design which explains everything. If you aren’t familiar with Human Design, I love ’s work!

I remember even recently, in adulthood, being asked to meet someone new and my body froze. I panicked. I was so scared! Which is cool because I’m at a point where I have enough awareness of my emotional experience to even know that I was scared. And I realized, oh my gosh. This is how I must have felt as a child. This was why I escaped to my bedroom when I was expected to entertain. Please don’t make me play with other kids. Seat me with the adults and let me watch and observe, or let me run upstairs and be alone, but please don’t make me entertain. Of course I never said any of this out loud. I didn’t consciously realize I was thinking or feeling it because I didn’t know that I was allowed to think or feel it. I was the perfect, smart, personable girl who did what she was supposed to do… until she didn’t.

What I’ve since realized is that the girl who was hiding from the other girls at lunch, the one who was relatively popular and was starting to hit some of America’s standards of beauty (skinny, athletic, blonde) but was also maybe a little “too tall,” dressed “like a boy,” deeply insecure, goofy and nerdily smart - she was exhausted. She was so tired, and that 40-minute lunch window with her three best friends was the one place she could just relax. She didn’t have to take care of anyone else. She didn’t have to perform. She didn’t have to dim her light. She could just eat her lunch and enjoy.

This is the beauty of childhood and the childhood brain. We are highly capable of compartmentalizing. We can show up to school and friends as one version, and then return home as another. And then, somewhere around early adolescence the two sides of the brain - the left and right - become increasingly integrated, and with more awareness that separation starts to feel a little less clean. The lines start to blur.

In my teen years and early adulthood this began to feel confusing at times - I felt as though I were a fraud. I wondered if I was hiding parts of my self on purpose and ‘tricking ‘ people into thinking I was happier or more chill or free than I actually was. That I was secretly a ‘bad’ person and no one knew the ‘real’ me (cue OCD).

The reality is that both are real. The part of me that was happy and free and outgoing was real - that part that lit up when I was with my friends and in environments where I felt safe, welcomed and celebrated. The other parts - the parts of me that craved being alone in my bedroom, that felt not quite here on this earth in the way that everyone else seemed to be, that felt a little more distant in relationships, that felt trapped and exhausted a lot of the time, that started procrastinating out of crippling perfectionism, the parts that wanted to black out on a Saturday and eventually in adulthood the parts of me that felt like crying for no particular reason - were also real. Around those years I learned that partying was an escape, in the same way that school was - but different. In school I knew the rules and I was gifted with a brain that functioned well in a structured environment. When partying I got to break all the rules and blame it on the alcohol. I kid, but I also don’t.

It goes without saying that I don’t condone blacking out and have so much to say on this, but will save it for another time. Please take care of yourselves <3.

The sad thing is, I was just trying to be free. Free from the invisible prison of being good, perfect - the tight rope that feels like if you edge off it an inch you will be drawn into the universe’s vortex and shatter into a million pieces - shatter and spread into the dark galaxy all alone.

Now that is terrifying, and I couldn’t risk it so I held my breath and did everything I could to stay in line… most of the time.

It’s around that time that I was first sent to therapy, and let’s just say it didn’t go well. My first session was at age 18. My second session (with a different therapist) wasn’t until I was 27 and having panic attacks on my apartment floor: I had checked myself into the hospital twice only to walk out with perfect vitals and therapy referral.

Up until that point, I was surviving. And I got us through. We got us through. All the younger versions of me, from age one all the way back to being in-utero, up to age eight and 16 and more. She - they - were so brave and resilient. So courageous. So wise.

And by now you know I had a lot of things going for me. Everything on paper was perfect. So what was the issue? This is what made it extra confusing.

There must be something wrong with me.

I really used to think that something was fundamentally wrong with me, and at times I still do. But I also know enough now to know that the parts of me that feel wrong are precisely the parts of me that are in pain and/or helped me survive.

Enter sensitivity and early relational development and patriarchy and all of the things. Things started to click.

Oh, it’s not just me.

It’s temperament, it’s childhood, it’s systems - it’s all of it. And some of it we may not be able to explain and that’s also the whole point.

And that’s why I’m here. Not to tell you what to do or how to heal. Not to be a therapist online. I’m here because I’m learning through living as a human, and as it turns out - a highly sensitive, intuitive human - and sharing as I go, yes through the lens of a therapist and also as myself because frankly it’s all I know how to do. I’m not going to anchor my writing in research (though I will reference it occasionally!), and I’m not going to pretend like I invented the wheel either. What I’m really here to do is to learn to trust my inner experience more and to share it with you… which scares me!

It’s one thing to self-disclose in a session when it feels clinically relevant, and it’s another thing to self disclose online with strangers, friends, clients and who knows who else! In session, it’s so personal and tailored to a specific client. Here, online, I can’t shape-shift the way I’ve learned to do so adeptly. I can’t tailor myself to match who you are because I don’t know who you are, which means I just have to be myself.

And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

In fact, ’s recent astrological posts have unlocked something for me. The long and short of it is that my north node is the 5th house, which means so much of life’s direction and expansion is about creativity and personal expression, not only for being in service but also for the joy of it. I’ve sensed this for a while - I’ve been grappling with how to be a therapist and a writer, holding back online a bit out of fear that the two can’t really exist together - but I’m starting to believe that they can. Confession: I don’t want writing to just be a hobby - I want it to be a part of my life’s work, and I believe it’s partially why I’m here - on Substack and also on this planet.

So, with that, if you are new here, welcome. I am so glad that you’re here!

I’m Jackie, a San Francisco based psychotherapist, writer and highly sensitive woman.

notes from her therapist are essays on healing that weave together personal narrative and my insight as a holistic psychotherapist for sensitive, intuitive women who may not seem sensitive on the outside.

Some previous essays include:

• I’m not a good person // I’m a whole person

• F*ck around and find out // An ode to failure

• Joy // A reclamation

I write regularly, when the insight hits, so space out, drop in and I hope you enjoy!

Oh, and lastly, importantly, to that middle school version of me who was not the best version of myself - to the girls who were hiding, the girls being hidden from - the ones hurting and the ones being hurt (not mutually exclusive), and to all the sensitive women who learned how to desensitize at a young age - this is for you. And if you’re anything like me and feel allergic to big groups, just know that you are welcome here as little or as often as you please. You can hide in the corner and peak in when you want to; you never have to write in the comments, and you’re also always invited. You can sit back and observe or you can dive in and overshare (just know that I cannot respond with any personal mental health advice). I’ve done both. I hope this is a space that provides an equal amount of distance and freedom as it does resonance and connection.

Thank you so much for being here.

xx

jackie

P.S. I am going to be doing some Q&A’s so please drop any of your questions and topic requests or in the comments! First one is on overthinking, obviously - with an inspiring reflection and question directly from a reader! So, I want to know what’s on your mind, on your heart too! As a Generator in Human Design, I respond to what’s already here, vs. drumming up content, so hearing from you really helps me write and create in a way that is both fun and serves. 🖤

Subscribe now

About Jackie: I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in holistic psychotherapy for highly sensitive women to ease anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm, and to reconnect with themselves, with others and with their bodies. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. In order to protect confidentiality, I do not follow current or former clients back. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

Turns out, as much as I love New York and still pretend I’m moving there someday, I simply am not cut out for the simulation 24/7. San Francisco will have to do.

Kidding, you now I’m obsessed with SF.

More importantly, what also didn’t come true exactly was the dream of all of us staying besties and living within knocking distance. To be fair, there was a version of this in our 20’s, and while many of my ‘day one’s are still some of my closest friends today, it’s also not the fantasy we once imagined.

There is nothing that can replace childhood and even college friendships - the foundation will always be there, irreplaceable and sacred, and it’s also more common than not for these relationships to change and evolve with time.

There is also something underrated and really powerful about friendships made in adult years, whether it’s through trauma-bonding in your first corporate job together, during that epic year of travel or finding each other later in life when you’ve finally (mostly) found yourself.

What feels true is that friendships, especially female friendships, have a particular bond that goes so deep it’s hard to put into words, and so it can be equally painful when those bonds change, or even at times, break.

Whether it’s evolving lifestyles, stages or circumstances that make staying in touch more challenging, the fact that in your 30’s there is simply not enough time in the day, and/or you are really growing in different directions - despite our vision, female friendships often do change (like everything), and there doesn’t seem to be a playbook for this.

On female friendships

My dear friend, who also happens to be a therapist, asked her community of highly sensitive, ambitious women for any and all questions that they have on female friendship. She then compiled the questions and invited our other dear friend, Julia Papale APCC and I to join her in sharing our responses - both from our perspectives as therapists and also as friends.

Here is our attempt at putting into words - how we find, deepen and grow with the women in our lives:

Inner Currents

On Female Friendships

Romantic relationships have a loose cultural script: the falling, the landing, and either the breaking or the lasting. That script is double-edged — it can flatten one of the more complex human experiences into something overly simplified and idealized, even as it gives us a shared language for what we’re moving through…

Read more

2 months ago · 8 likes · 1 comment · Lyla Connolly, MA, APCC and Jackie Lalanne, LMFT

Also, if you haven’t yet, absolutely go check out Lyla’s substack, Inner Currents. My favorite recent article of hers: A Field Guide to Ambition for Highly Sensitive People.

With that, thank you for being here as always, and I (we) hope you enjoy!

xx

jackie

I have been surfing on and off since I was a child - key words being on and off.

I’ve never fully committed. I never really dove in. Yes, I planned and tagged along on a handful of surf trips to warmer waters and lineups where I wouldn’t find anyone I knew - but throw me into the water where I risk being seen, over and over? Hell no.

Meanwhile, my upper body strength has never been what I have wanted it to be. Yes, I have done all the workouts you can imagine - from Barry’s to Kayla Itsines to yoga and more, but never-have-I-ever stuck with anything long enough to feel really confident in my ability to paddle out, push up and preserve my energy when caught inside.

The truth is that so much of surfing has been about image. it makes my gut spin over now as I say, but it’s true. I know there is actually nothing that brings me more joy than being in the water, and yet there has always been so much perfectionism and fear wrapped up in it. I share a lot more about surfing, perfectionism and joy in this essay, but today I’m talking about fear.

Fear and failure

One of the best things that happened to me the other weekend was not catching a single wave (okay, I got one), and getting pummeled by the larger sets I didn’t see coming. I wasn’t being negligent nor reckless. If anything, I’m overly cautious when I’m in the water. I’m hyper attuned to the people (90% men) and energy around me, and quasi paralyzed by fear - fear of messing up, fear of being seen while messing up, and fear of pissing someone off. Fawn response, anyone?

Anyway, this past weekend as I sipped my hot water amidst the foggy haze that is a beachside morning along the California coast, I reckoned with something: a part of me desperately wants to be someone who surfs regularly, and a part of me is terrified. I even got so far as convincing myself that I simply didn’t want it that much, and perhaps I was more suited for a safe, comfortable life.

Ha!

It’s true, for the past several years I have needed comfort and safety. If you read this essay about early childhood development ,you know that safety and connection are primary developmental stages we all need. They come first, then comes freedom.

Well, I’m happy to say that I feel I’m entering into my era of freedom - of aliveness, of vitality. It’s not that I haven’t been here before, but it’s different this time because I allowed myself to really stay in a season of safety when I needed it.

Growth

If, for whatever reason, you weren’t able to hit certain developmental milestones as an infant, baby or child, there’s a good chance you’ll need to move through them later. It’s not meant to be a threat or a warning, but a reality.

So often we feel confused why therapy takes a long time, or why growth isn’t happening for us more quickly, or why it seems easier for someone else. There could be countless reasons, but the truth is that sometimes we need space and time to achieve the very basic milestones that are innate to being human:

Being safe and held. Feeling safe and held.

Being attuned to and nourished. Feeling attuned to and nourished.

Being free. Feeling free.

Being protected. Feeling protected.

Being loved, unconditionally. Feeling loved, unconditionally.

Source: These stages are based on Relational Somatic Healing’s five stages of development which pulls from various developmental models.

Often, and adaptively, when we don’t receive these experiences that we innately need, we seek them out. And when we do have the privilege of attaining these milestones later in life through therapy or through other healing relationships and practices, they are likely going to take a bit longer because 1) you’re an adult (most likely, unless you started therapy and/or healing in your teen years) and have all sorts of decades-deep adaptations and protections, and also because 2) you’re an adult, and you also have to live and work and survive and in some cases (many cases) provide for others.

Whew, I’m going to pause here. If this is feeling like a lot, just know that its how I felt last weekend when I was getting hit after hit with waves too big for my liking, while my leash was wrapped around my head (0/10 recommend) and hair in my face (I thought I’d look cuter with my hair down - lesson learned).

I joke because I was actually safe. I have been in similar situations before, where I was physically safe and yet far more terrified. In fact, I had a surf instructor once explicitly tell me that my issues in the water were psychological. I laughed. We know this. My issues are usually psychological.

Indulge me on the surfing metaphor because they always hit:

He said that when you get caught inside or held under, and you don’t know which way is up and which way is down - to relax. Panicking makes it worse. You are going to surface and the more you fight it, the more energy you expend. Soften. Trust.

Sounds a bit like healing (and life), right?

During this recent pounding, I had his lesson in mind, so that when I saw the white barrel of water coming at me, again and again, I did my best to relax, to tell myself it was going to be okay, and to breathe (as much as I could) before I had to dive under.

Now, don’t get me wrong, after that little sesh, I stormed out of the water the second the set ended - I grabbed my board and marched onto the sand and had a meltdown (tantrum?). I cried and exclaimed that I hated surfing and I was never surfing again.

And then I started laughing.

It felt good to have a tantrum. It felt good to get upset because I wasn’t holding it all in. In fact, I was down on beach having gotten crushed, instead of standing up by my car and watching everyone else. I was in.

In that moment, two opposing things were true. On one hand, my anxiety wasn’t wrong. I was actually not strong enough to paddle into a few of those waves. I really did need to build my upper body strength in order to feel (and be) safer and more confident in the water, and most importantly to have more fun! Simultaneously, my anxiety also wasn’t right. It wasn’t right in the sense that I did need to get back in the water, even when I wasn’t at my best, to try and to fail - I needed to continue getting back in the water. Say it with me: both/and.

Moral of the story

The ability to fail is freeing. It allows us to take risks, to try new things, to live. And, it’s taken a lot of years for me to reach a point where I can say that. Historically, failing felt paralyzing. My system simply couldn’t tolerate it, so I leaned on perfectionism.

And while perfectionism is glorified, it’s really more of a “straight jacket.” A cage that follows you everywhere. It’s suffocating to be reliant on strong performance because the thing that is seemingly propelling you forward is actually what’s tying you down.

Ironically, in my worst session to date, I left with a sense of I can. Not because I did, but because I didn’t and I survived. It cracks me up, and yet it makes total sense.

I truly, fully failed by all accounts and it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

And I wish this for you too! Have fun, happy failing and obviously stay safe out there!

xx

jackie

I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in treating anxiety, chronic stress and relationship issues for highly sensitive women. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160.

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. In order to protect confidentiality, I do not follow current or former clients back. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s all good, you may not have been a HP fan like I was - the point is: magic exists.

Hear me out

The other day I was on a walk on my lunch break, which is one of my favorite things to do these days, when I had this thought, I wish there were a sweet little bench I could sit on around here to eat my lunch.

Wouldn't you believe that nearly 5 minutes later as I’m winding through these gorgeous streets that I’m privileged to call my (office’s) neighborhood, that I have walked down dozens of times, I stumble upon the most idyllic, peaceful, hidden-by-flowers-bench that I had never before seen. Jaw. Drop.

Magic

Whether you call it manifestation or magic, more and more I do believe that the universe responds in ways that only once seemed real in Harry Potter. Sometimes we need to see to believe, but more and more I’m learning that we need to believe to see.

Believing to see is true in therapy, too. For those who have been in long term therapy, you know there are seasons where you can’t see what’s on the other side. You don’t know of its going to get worse or better. And yet, you still show up. You set your intention for the work, put some faith in your therapist (or whomever is supporting you on you journey), and you put some faith in yourself and in the universe.

And then when you do reach a season of ease, relief - a spring or summer of sorts - it’s clear. It was always there. It was always going to be there. You just had to go through fall and winter because such is life: seasonal.

How this relates to magic?

Walking around a gorgeous neighborhood on my lunch break is certainly not a “winter” season. Like I said, these walks bring me so much joy. And yet, I really have been in a slight dilemma of what to do about lunch: I don’t enjoy eating in my office and I feel less relaxed sitting on our building’s front steps, and yet for months that’s what I’ve done because I just accepted those were my only options. They weren’t “bad” options per se, they were fine! And, they weren’t what I wanted.

Then, one day, I let myself desire and imagine the possibility - and poof! Reality.

Obviously, it doesn’t always go like this, but it also really can go like this.

Disclaimer: I’m not here to spiritually bypass nor ignore the very real systems of privilege and oppression that impact us all differently. I remember seeing a post on Instagram in 2020 that said: maybe you manifested it, or maybe it’s white privilege, and that really hit. Both feel true: These systems in which we exist are real and I also believe in magic.

You’re allowed to want

I often find that highly sensitive women have a complex relationship with desire, which can sometimes go one of two ways:

1. Not knowing what you want and/or not believing you’re allowed to want.

2. If you have more Type-A tendencies, you may be so good at planning and orchestrating what you want to happen to the point where you miss out on magic.

Of course this isn’t a binary, but let’s go with it and start with the second one first: there is the type of perfectionism that we more often hear about, which my goodness do I know so well, and it requires a lot of mental effort and ironically causes a lot of stress. It’s the illusion that we can “think and do” our way into being - being the right / perfect / best [insert your choice here - examples: daughter, partner, employee, mother, artist, performer, etc.].

But there’s a different type of perfection, or dare I say magic, that comes with desire and setting an intention, of course taking aligned action when needed, and also trusting, which is little bit like surrendering. This leaves room for divine intervention or whatever you want to call it, that is beyond anything you could have dreamed up.

On the other hand, if you fall in the “first camp” of not knowing what you want nor feeling like you’re allowed to want, next time someone asks you what you want, if your default is to say, whatever, I’m easy! Perhaps pause, check in and see if there is a little voice deep down that actually has an opinion. You may be surprised to find that you’re not that easy! You do have desires! And, I would bet that others may actually really appreciate your ideas or preferences!

I’ll also add that if you are someone who knowingly struggles with OCD and/or generally feels fear and a sort of “over-responsibility” for “causing harm” to anyone and everyone, AKA you are worried that if you say your desire and then something goes wrong, it will be all your fault and you’re bad and the world ends? You’re not alone. You’re not bad. And the world is not ending (maybe it is in some ways as we know it, but it’s not because of you).

So often I see highly sensitive women who are attuned to everyone else’s needs and to expectations of what they “should” be doing, that they know exactly what they need to do to make everyone else happy and to keep the peace - that they lose themselves in the process. They are experts at accepting their reality because it just is, and desiring otherwise feels like it would be a waste of energy and/or simply is not an option.

Let me just say - this ability to accept what is is extremely powerful, it’s a strength. This is the foundation of a mindfulness practice which I believe is the single most powerful skill you can learn in therapy and in life.

And yet, at times it may be keeping you from stepping into and calling in what you want.

Wanting, or desire, may feel selfish or off limits for you. For others, of course it’s valid! But for you, no.

And yet, we have only this one wild and precious life, so let yourself want, okay?

The bench

When I stumbled upon my magic fairy bench (as my dear friend called it), I just knew it was that perfection I never could have designed. I had wished for something of the sorts, and when I stumbled upon it I felt the universe winking back at me. I laughed to myself because I find that the more you pay attention to these subtle synchronicities, the signs are so clear it’s almost funny.

Note: for my peeps with OCD: I know that things like looking for signs can be a slippery slope, a gray area, edging into compulsivity, reassurance-seeking and checking. It’s a very different quality than trusting, so please take whatever resonates here and leave the rest.

I would say that I’m in a “summer” season of sorts at the moment, so it’s easier for me to tune into these feelings of desire and to see those little signs and gifts and feelings of hope. And, when I look back on my “winter” seasons, I can see how without me trying or “manifesting” anything intentional (because who has the drive or energy to do so in winter?) that this divine intervention was still there - subtle and yet sturdy - showing me to the right people, places and practices when I needed them most.

It’s so clear to me now, and yet then it felt like holding on for dear life. And I guess I hope that when I enter my next winter season I can look back and remember to trust.

Call it faith. Call it whatever you want!

I’m calling it magic. And I know it’s there for you too, around the corner, perhaps just a few blocks away, tucked behind some daisies and awaiting your arrival.

I’d love to hear if you also have recently found some signs of magic. Share in the comments if you feel inclined!

As always, thank you for being here! Until next time.

xx

jackie

I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in treating anxiety, chronic stress and relationship issues for highly sensitive women. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160.

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. In order to protect confidentiality, I do not follow current or former clients back. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

I knew this feeling. It’s a familiar feeling of satisfaction mixed with power and anticipation. This feeling of sensing into exactly what to do to make another person like me. It’s this sense that I’ve had for as long as I can remember, though largely unconscious and operating in the background, that helps me feel safe in relationships.

In many ways it’s not a bad thing, per se. To a degree it’s simply human nature.

However, as I stood there on the sidewalk with this thoughtfully crafted note in hand, there was another voice or part of me - like the parent in the doorway giving their child that look when they’ve snuck into the cookie jar: I know what you’re doing.

There’s this new version of me that’s been emerging over the years that has more awareness of these subtle thought patterns, tendencies, impulses - whatever you want to call them - running along automatically in my brain. Perhaps it’s just growing up and growing inward: knowing myself more and more. Perhaps it’s having more self-compassion that allows me to see these less-idyllic parts of myself without rejecting them. Perhaps it’s both.

Backtrack re: the card

I recently met someone who offered to do me a favor, and while they did help, there was a general sense I had of being a burden to them. It was confusing and brought up familiar feelings of: Did I do something wrong? Are they mad at me?

Historically, when I feel like a burden to someone, my unconscious impulse is to fawn: please, appease and over-accommodate. It is not a conscious choice but rather an automatic neurobiological response where I tend to overthink, overextend and over-perform in order to keep them happy and non-threatening, and to keep my own anxiety at bay.

It’s exhausting, and it works - at a heavy cost: the cost of my authenticity, the cost of a real relationship with this person (it’s not really that fair to them either) and the cost of my health (fawning taxes the nervous system!).

About midway through my interaction with this person, I had that old familiar part of me light up with the feeling of: I know exactly what to do. I would write them a note on a hand-drawn card to thank them for all their help to make them happy (can you hear how this thought process sounds like that of a child?). Instead of acknowledging my own discomfort with my perception of them, I would make sure I wasn’t the cause of it.

Fawning

talks all about the Fawn response, coined by Pete Walker, in her book, Are You Mad At Me? which I have mentioned many times on here. Fawning is a survival response to feeling trapped, afraid or in danger, when fighting and/or fleeing is not a viable option. It’s the impulse to appease and comply in order to keep the other person (who often has more power) happy and nonviolent, to stay safe. It is not a conscious choice, it is an unconscious adaptation based on one’s current and historical circumstances, societal conditioning and real systems of power and oppression.

It can be particularly common for women in a patriarchal society to adopt a fawn response due to power dynamics and gender-based violence. Fawning is a way to create safety when we are not safe.

And, it can become automatic in such a way that it’s our default response, even when we are safe.

So

When I was standing on the sidewalk, pausing before delivering the note, I realized what I was doing and I knew I was safe, thus, I knew it was an opportunity to do something differently.

I turned on my heel, walked right back home and threw the note into the recycling.

I’m tired of being good

Trying to be a good person is something I see so often with highly sensitive women and it often accompanies OCD. There can be a sense of over-responsibility, guilt and shame for things that are completely outside one’s control. Sometimes this is all based on a story we tell ourselves, based on neutral and objective cues we pick up on through facial expressions, tone, mood, behavior changes and energy shifts of those around us.

While our instincts and intuition may be on point or at least have seeds of truth, we never really know what’s going through another person’s head, and spending hours, days and more trying to figure it out or make “it” better takes up precious time and energy.

In fact, there seems to be quite the overlap between OCD mental compulsions and the fawn response in the way that overthinking runs the show.

If I went ahead and mailed that letter, the part of me that tends to fawn - that tends to overthink - likely a child part of me, would be in charge. However, I don’t need her to be in charge. Nor do I want her to be. I want her to rest, and -

I want to be a whole person

After a lifetime of trying to be good, it can be terrifying and liberating to let yourself be whole. Taking the pressure of from doing, being or saying the “right thing” is deeply uncomfortable, and it’s also freeing. An exposure therapy of sorts.

It really means paying attention to how often you’re doing something out of fear, vs. from your genuine desires or values.

I absolutely love making hand-drawn cards. It’s one of my favorite thing to do. It’s a way for me to show love, offer appreciation and express my creativity. There is nothing inherently wrong with making thoughtful cards, in fact, most of the time it’s a beautiful thing!

That is likely the case in so many instances, whether the thing is offering a compliment, making someone food or extending a favor. There’s nothing inherently good or bad or right or wrong with the behavior itself, it’s the intention behind it.

I think it was in Melody Beattie’s The New Co-Dependency where she addressed how often caretaking or pleasing behaviors are actually self serving. So humbling, and so true.

And, there are times where we need these responses. It is not about getting rid of them, it’s about having awareness, and therefore having choice.

I never thought it would be growth to throw away a cute card that I made, and yet tolerating the possibility that I was a burden to this person, or that perhaps my feeling of being a burden was a story I created based on the tone of their voice, their facial expressions and their mood as I sought their help, is so freeing. It is a releasing of (perceived) control. Perhaps I was a burden, or perhaps their tone, facial expression, and mood had nothing to do with me. Either way, it’s not mine to judge, fix or change.

As a sensitive person, it’s easy to pick up on all the unspoken cues and spin them up into some grand story, often with a foreboding tune (thanks, anxiety!). All of this is wrapped up in hypervigilence and while it’s well-intended, it’s deeply distressing.

So, when I went home and proudly recycled that letter, it felt like my adult self was holding that little version of me who was scared of being perceived a certain way, of being bad, and showed her through action that it’s okay, we don’t have to be liked. We don’t have to be ‘good,’ we get to be whole.

I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in treating anxiety, chronic stress and relationship issues for highly sensitive women. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160.

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. In order to protect confidentiality, I do not follow current or former clients back. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

Soul Sister

In that moment my little sensitive being felt seen. Whether the coaches were being playful or sincere as they distributed ~15 non-MVP awards, I felt known.

Today

One of my cherished therapist friends used the phrase soul friends when we met not too long ago. Something in me settled when she said it.

It’s that knowing of oh, there you are, here we are. It’s something I knew on a deep level, a recognition that goes beyond words or logic. It’s a felt sense of: you know me, I know you.

Perhaps you too know this feeling, this felt sense of just knowing that you’ve met them before or you’ve been there before - whether it’s another person, a pet even or a stretch of water or a landscape.

And, it’s one thing to know it, and a whole other thing for that to be reflected back, whether it’s through a friend’s words, when coaches giving a young girl a little nod, or seeing that animal, bird or insect that always seems to show up when you need it most.

This type of recognition can feel like a waking up of sorts. Like, if you are somewhat dreamily moving through the world, slightly numb or asleep, then you are suddenly lit up.

Whether it’s having someone see something in you and offering their observation, or sharing with you something about themselves that you recognize on in yourself, reflection is a gift. This is why both therapy and writing can be healing. It’s a reminder that we are not alone on this journey, despite how lonely it feels at times.

Which brings me to you!

When people ask me who I specialize working with, I honestly struggle to find the words because it’s hard to capture the essence of the women I see and to whom I write on here. Who they really are. Who you are. What the connected, common thread or theme is that weaves throughout a diverse group of women who are each so individually unique.

Yes, you are likely both sensitive and motivated — creative and driven, observant and ambitious. You may not always seem sensitive on the outside, but you feel things deeply. I’d bet you tend to process a lot internally, often overthinking, overextending, and overperforming just to keep anxiety or overwhelm at bay.

And, what I would really like to say? You are Soul Sisters.

Obviously, I don’t. In fact, Chat GPT has told me, and I quote, that titling my Substack “Soul Sisters” would be: “broad, vague and slightly 2016 Instagram.”

So, for now we’re not changing the title of my Substack and I’m not subjecting you to the term Soul Sisters, but I’m also not not doing that...

Soul Sister(s)

If I had to describe what I mean when I say Soul Sisters, here is where I would begin.

Soul Sisters are the:

• Women who sense it all and spend years desperately trying to make sense of it all.

• Women who often feel alone, and who feel both comfort and loneliness in that.

• Women who feel connected to something greater (oh, the paradox!) and sense that they’re here on this earth to create something greater.

• Women who are always trying to do better and be better but struggle to feel better.

• Women with a rich, complex inner worlds, who may not know how to navigate them just yet.

• Women who give everything in their relationships, and have not yet learned how to give everything to themselves.

• Women who feel as alive in the wildness of art, beauty and nature as they do in the structure of ritual and routine.

• Women who love both their people and their solitude and long to find the balance.

• Women who just know that they are on a path of returning home to themselves.

• Anyone who identifies as a Soul Sister regardless of sex or gender identity.

So, if you are new here and you resonate with this, welcome. I am so glad you’re here.

I believe that the journey of a Soul Sister is one of returning home - home to yourself, to your people, to your body; home to that soul-level knowing, to that other-worldly familiarity, of yes - so that you can express and serve in the way you were meant to. So that you can reclaim your joy, vitality and authentic connection.

Connection

In my early teen years, not too long after my coaches lit something up in me, I recall distinct moments of sensing that there was an older sister-like figure ‘out there,’ connected to me. I even recall sensing she was in the neighborhood that I live in now. At the time, I think interpreted it as hope, longing, or just a passing thought that perhaps one day I’d be her. It brought me comfort.

Recently I’ve heard that some people believe that there is no past and future, just alternate timelines. In a way this resonates: that this younger version of me knew on some level that I was there with her - that she knows I am there with her.

So, while Soul Sister may be a little too spiritual of a term, or too 2016 Instagram, for me to broadcast widely (for now), I deeply believe that connection with our inner selves, our younger selves, our older selves, and our soul, can be a profound resource for navigating this lifetime.

Similar to how we know we’re home when we stumble upon those people and places that feel familiar on such a deep level, we can cultivate that familiarity within, too. In fact, it’s already there. It’s just a matter of tuning in.

I have many ideas of how to share this practice with you, of tuning in and connecting with your younger and older selves, the various parts of you (and perhaps you already have your ways!), and as a starting place I’ve created a self-help guide for how to return to yourself: A Guide of Gentle Reminders: Tending to All Parts.

This guide is really for the moments when you feel triggered or not like yourself. It offers psychoeducation, gentle reminders and a step-by-step process for tending to all parts of you.

In the stories I share above, I was not triggered per se, but I also wasn’t fully present - I was in that slightly aloof, dream-like state of moving in the world, until someone reflected back to me something that I knew to be true. It was when I felt seen and known by others, when I saw my reflection in their words, that I felt real and whole.

This is what I hope this guide is able to do: to support you in seeing, in knowing yourself. In feeling real and whole amidst the moments where life would have you believe otherwise.

It is something you can carry with you everywhere - a path for returning back to you, with a little help from me.

If you do dive into this guide, I’d love to hear how it goes for you, and as always, thank you for being here!

xx

jackie

I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in treating anxiety, chronic stress and relationship issues for highly sensitive women. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160.

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. In order to protect confidentiality, I do not follow current or former clients back. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

You tell me…

Being highly sensitive is an innate trait. It is not often visible.

It really has more to do with how we receive, integrate and process information than it does with how we appear.

It has more to do with what we notice, sense (emotionally and energetically) and observe than it does with how we act.

Someone who is innately highly sensitive may also be the top performing dancer, athlete, artist, student, sales director, C-suite leader.

She may also be the most attuned mother, teacher, caregiver, daughter, sister or friend.

She may be the hardest worker in the room.

And, she may also be silently struggling, unaware of how her innate sensitivity is not only what supported her to succeed ~ to read the room, to see patterns and organize information in a way that resonates with others ~ but that it also requires a unique tending to, in order to stay vibrant.

This opening and tending to sensitivity is where the inner survival mode + outward thriving shifts into a life that feels far more alive, aligned and sustainable.

Deep feelers, deep processors

What goes on inside…

Highly sensitive women are more likely to be deep feelers and deep processors. These are strengths!

In environments that are chronically overwhelming, these tendencies towards depth tend to adapt to meet the moment(s) ~ often the deep feelings become too much, so we learn to keep them in (cue anxiety), and the deep processing shifts towards relentless rumination, intellectualization and overthinking as a way to cope ~ to hover above the physical discomfort of anxiety and overwhelm.

None of this is bad, it is a way to survive chronic stress and frankly it’s often not conscious either (these adaptations start young!).

While we want to make these adaptations conscious, there is truly no rush to fix any of this (slow is the way to go). The relief begins when we gently begin to notice, without judgment, what’s arising for us in the moment (without interpreting it!), and when we allow ourselves slow down and tend to our bodies. It may be uncomfortable at first, which is why we need our “resources” (the cozy blanket, long walks, etc.) and a little faith in the process.

Sensitivity

What it isn’t and what it is…

Sensitivity is not fragility.

Sensitivity is like being able to hear the “silent” languages that everyone speaks, but only some can hear.

At first it may sound like cacophony. It may feel overwhelming when simply moving about the world.

“It’s so loud and chaotic out there!” And yet most people don’t really get it because they don’t really hear them.

So, perhaps you adaptively learned how to drown out all the languages because it was too much; including drowning out your own languages: of your feelings, your intuition, your body.

And, when you hear the whisper or call to tune back in, mindfully, that’s magic! That’s when you begin to not only hear the languages but to learn them, to understand them, to realize that the languages carry information ~ valuable information.

That is sensitivity. When you realize your agency, it becomes a remarkable gift.

I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in treating anxiety, chronic stress and relationship issues for highly sensitive women. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160.

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. Please do not message me via Substack as it is not a secure method for communication, and I may not respond promptly. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

!! Trigger Warning: This essay references various forms of trauma, including gun violence.

Let’s start with a story untold

I have hesitated to write about this for so long given the triggering nature of the content, and I’m glad I’ve waited until now because it finally feels like it’s integrated.

Almost fifteen years ago, when I was in a computer lab working on a school project with a couple of classmates, I was involved in what now has become a common occurrence: a school shooting. It’s hard to put my experience into words because it all happened so quickly, and in such a way that my mind struggled to make sense of it for years.

It was also bizarre because for years it seemed like that objectively threatening experience didn’t affect me as much as other “less threatening” experiences, such as relationships changing or ending.

Relational trauma “vs.” incident (shock) trauma

As I’ve studied trauma through graduate school and training as a psychotherapist, I was taught that relational trauma is different than incident or shock trauma, and in many cases, although it initially seemed cognitively counter-intuitive to me, that relational trauma can be actually more complex, damaging and challenging to treat than single incident shock trauma (example: childhood neglect vs. a car accident), it also was validating.

In a way, I think my mind then started to separate the two: relational vs. shock or incident, and so I categorized: shooting = shock / incident trauma.

Note: It is also important to name explicitly that some forms of trauma such as physical or sexual abuse are very clearly both relational and “shock” or “incident” trauma.

And, what I’ve since come to learn (I’ll give away my essay takeaway now), is that all trauma is relational. A car accident is relational. A school shooting? Relational.

In a way, the conceptualization of relational vs. incident felt affirming at first because it validated my experience that relational challenges did seem to be more intense and mentally distressing for me than my initial experience of the shooting.

However

Over the years, something wasn’t checking out. Even after releasing the physiological distress in my body through trauma healing modalities - which, had a profoundly healing effect that I share more about below - I was continuing to be triggered, beyond the average human, every time a school shooting was in the news.

Yes, the triggers were different now than they were back then: historically I was lowkey fearful all the time and I had an intense startle response (which I still do, but I’m less scared when it happens now). I was living in an unconscious state of perpetual hyper-vigilance or numbness.

This is where the somatic process in my training and therapy came into play.

Part of why somatic therapy is effective for treating trauma is because it attends to the nervous system. It doesn’t ask you to simply retell a traumatic story because often the retelling can make your body and brain feel as though it’s reliving the experience in the moment. It is not ‘logical” but it is felt. It is felt in the breath constricting, the panic, the sense that everything is happening now - or however else it may show up for that person based on their unique situation.

My learned approach to somatic, trauma-informed therapy invites you to track the physiological response so as not to overwhelm the nervous system because when you do, old coping strategies and “defenses,” or what I prefer to call “protections,” flare up. These are survival strategies that helped in the moment, but may no longer serve.

Some examples could be:

• Shutting down and literally feeling like collapsing, dissociating, heaviness, etc.

• Rage that can become destructive if you’re not really present with it, including self-destructive rage

• Fleeing, which can look like avoidance, soothing through substances or disordered eating, etc.

• Falling apart, becoming extremely dependent and feeling helpless

• Freezing, including having panic attacks

I love Janina Fisher’s work (books linked) for working with survival parts, including her Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST).

In session, the way we attend to the nervous system is by slowing. things. down.

As you’re beginning to tell the story, what happens with your breath? With your gut? Do you feel any tension… does it feel okay to stay with that? Notice if you’re starting to “check out.”

These aren’t direct questions that you’d need to answer per se, it’s just an invitation to a pay attention and to pause when it starts to feel like too much.

This slowing down can be so relieving.

When you think about it, trauma often has to do with speed - it’s a survival response. If there’s a real or perceived threat, we must act accordingly, now.

So, when we signal to the body and brain that we are moving slowly, that alone is sending a safety signal.

The other important thing about trauma therapy is that we start with safety, or “resources,” by anchoring in the spaces, places, people and practices that help you to feel safe in the moment, externally and internally. This may be visualization, breathing, grounding, orienting (looking around) to the space around you, spirituality or something else. We start with resources so that when we begin to open up the door to retelling the story, if at any point it becomes too much, you know how to return to safety. It’s empowering, and it gives you back agency that you likely didn’t have in the traumatic situation.

This is creating a new experience in relationship to the traumatic memory. That you are safe. You have agency. This is now, and that was then.

Different approaches to treating trauma process the physiological stress differently. In Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, sometimes it’s staying with the tension and noticing if there’s an unresolved action that needs to complete (e.g. reinstating an act of defense, such as pushing away). Sometimes it’s staying with sensation and noticing a sort of trembling or shaking - and then it’s staying with and following the trembling and shaking until the release occurs naturally (this is different than a forced shaking).

A few other somatic approaches to treating trauma are:

• Somatic Experiencing

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Brainspotting

Then of course there are plenty of modalities outside of Western psychology, such as energy healing, bodywork, dance, spiritual practices, etc. There is no one right way.

Note: If you are a therapist and/or anyone who has tried other approaches that you’ve found healing and recommend, would you please share them in the comments?!

If you are someone who hasn’t tried somatic therapy, I really believe in trusting whatever you are innately drawn to and going from there.

Okay, back to my story

I had processed a significant amount of the physiological distress that I was carrying around on a daily basis.

It honestly breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes thinking about how many people are walking around traumatized and don’t realize it - blaming themselves for having confusing and unpredictable reactions and/or generally feeling not fully there.

I will never forget my first experiences with Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and feeling like I had a new lease on life.

And, in recent years, while I was feeling more present on a day-to-day basis, I started to notice that every time there was another dreaded news article about a school shooting, I felt rage - beyond the normal rage that most people feel when witnessing unimaginable violence towards children that is, no less, avoidable. My rage felt personal. How dare they (lawmakers) continue to let this happen when my incident was nearly fifteen (!!) years ago. We should have learned then, but we didn’t, and we haven’t. It’s enraging.

The other part I noticed, which is a bit harder to share, was that when I’d see the public outcry at these incidents, I actually felt resentment.

I noticed an underlying feeling of: Why was there no outcry for me?

I was making it about me.

This was a sign to me that I was still missing something in my own healing journey. I still had a need that had not yet been met because I still felt missed.

In my case, in a way, it was like the whole situation had been swept under the rug. For years I took that to mean that it wasn’t such a big deal, then, right? It seemed like everyone else moved on, so I should too.

But the reality was that it was still living inside me, day in and day out because news flash: we actually don’t get to decide when “we’re over it” when it comes to trauma. In addition to being an emotional experience, it is a physiological and relational experience that occurs on a neurobiological level. It is not a conscious choice AND it is a conscious choice to address it - of course pending awareness, resources, time, etc.

So, what I was realizing not too long ago was that I needed to be seen and held in my experience.

I needed someone to ask me are you okay? instead of saying thank God you were okay.

I needed someone to hear and witness my rage and grief and not be frightened by it.

In therapy language: there was a rupture without any repair, and I needed the repair.

This. Is. Why. All. Trauma. Is. Relational.

Repair is relational. Trauma is a rupture that needs repair.

Two people can go through the same thing and have very different experiences, whether it’s based on temperament, sensitivity, cumulative life experience or all of the above and more - and I would also argue, how were they held, cared for, supported and seen both before and after the event.

The shooting itself was traumatic, but not processing it afterwards was equally so.

Which brings me to The Drama

I watched The Drama the other night in-theater and the moment Zendaya shared her secret, I felt my husband touch my hand with the assumption that I would feel triggered. Had I watched this movie a year ago, I would have walked out. I would have been furious. I would have felt sick, betrayed and nightmares would have ensued.

I’m not saying I wasn’t affected because I was. It was particularly hard to watch Jordan Curet’s scenes: to see a teen in that state hit a chord in me - and what’s more said is that it’s an accurate portrayal of our culture. And, I could stay in the theater and actually enjoy the movie, I appreciated the movie. Frankly, the movie resonated with me in a way that nothing else has since the incident.

The day after the campus shooting - my campus shooting (how insane is it that there are thousands of us who can say this?), I remember feeling perplexed by the fact that the thing that rocked me the most was learning that my classmate, the gunman, died. My memory is a bit hazy, but one of the things I recall clearly is sitting at my computer and desperately searching online for some update, some piece of news (because believe it or not, the detective never followed up with us).

Looking back now, I could have called him (I had his business card) - but no fricking way! When you’re in shock, you are not thinking clearly. You cannot expect a person who has just endured a life-threatening situation to ask for help. You just can’t. You need to be there, offer help, be the help without even offering. So, roughly 24 hours later I finally found an article that announced that the gunman, was not only my classmate, but also that he had died.

Oh. A deep grief hit me.

Perhaps this is a nod to my sensitivity, and perhaps it’s because a part of me doesn’t think he wanted to hurt us (although who knows), and perhaps it’s because I’m human, but I really felt so sad for his loss.

Now, in some way as I look back, I can see my default is to have more compassion for the person who could harm me than I even have for myself, and in other ways it made sense because is it not sad when anyone dies?

And, as I look back at the articles now roughly fifteen years later, with more information, and I read that my two friends and I were in the line of fire, I also feel something else. I can feel my anger mixed with I don’t even know what to call it. Relief? I think on some level now, perhaps becuase I’m older and have a greater appreciation for life, it’s hitting me just how lucky we were. How lucky that a professor saw him enter the building. How lucky that the police happened to be on campus due to a protest. How lucky that they respond to the call so quickly.

It is a strangely conflicting feeling of gratitude and grief, knowing that those officers saved our lives, and also knowing that they took his in order to do so.

This is why The Drama landed with me. It hit home because it spoke to this part of me that I hadn’t fully comprehended, and that isn’t so often portrayed in the news with compassion, but rather critique: “the issue is that the shooter had a mental health issue and we have a mental health crisis in this country.”

Let me just say this:

The entire world has mental health issues.

Only the US has a school shooting issue.

This is a gun issue.

And, I do believe that my classmate was deeply suffering.

And, I am fortune enough to be here to be able to say that.

And, in no way does suffering excuse violence, but it does matter.

A story told

When I first shared my experience of the shooting with a friend I’ve made in recent years, she was so present with me. Her presence was a gift, and when I thanked her for listening she reflected back something to me that rang true: grief deserves a witness.

Note: for all those who have heard me talk about my beloved therapist friends, this is a beloved friend who is not a therapist!

What this affirmed for me was that while the shooting was a “shock trauma,” it was also relational. It was relational in that I know I had some energetic exchange with a person who had the means to take my life, and ended up losing his. It was relational in that my two classmates and I never really talked about this experience together because 1) it was hard to talk about and 2) no one really showed us how to, let alone that it was worth addressing.

It wasn’t until several months ago, after the Brown University shooting, that something clicked. Perhaps because the classroom footage rang so close to home: I needed to, and was ready to, be seen in this. I needed to talk about this.

I brought it to therapy for the first time after several years, but this time from this lens of not feeling seen or held in the experience at the time, and she held me, she saw me. She gently noted how long it took me to even bring it up, and honored my pacing. She gave me the gift of repair, even though she was not present in my life at that time.

As I began to share a bit more about this with my close ones, the repair continued. The most meaningful moment was connecting with my friend and classmate who was there with me during the shooting.

After many years of not speaking about it, we exchanged our unique stories of a shared experience; how we processed it and the ways that our lives and health (or illness) unfolded following the incident. We connected the dots, identified that we both had struggled since in ways that we were finally starting to make sense of, and that we both did in fact minimize our suffering - because at the end of the day we were lucky.

That conversation was perhaps the most healing moment for me: to be in presence and relationship with someone who was there, who really got it, and who understood.

Perhaps we wouldn’t have been ready to talk earlier, and we’ll also never really know.

What I do know is that I felt more free, connected and alive than I had in years. It’s like I made sense again because we made sense. This experience used to feel like a fragment of me that was floating out in space around me. This blip in my life was so jarring that it shattered a piece of me away, outside of me, yet forever tethered to me - like a ball and a chain.

After connecting with my friend and fellow classmate, I remember telling my therapist that I felt integrated. It was like that piece of me has returned and I was whole again.

So, the moral of the un(told) stories?

Relationship matters. Repair matters. All trauma is relational and therefore healing is too.

Part of the wounding of gun violence in this country, and frankly a lot of current harm we are seeing being unearthed at this moment, especially towards children, is the lack of repair. The violence alone is unimaginably harmful, and the lack of repair I’d argue is equally as harmful.

It’s the failure of those in power to see something horrific and say and show survivors through action that this is not okay. It’s the failure to protect when we know how to do so.

And, a lot of that starts with ourselves. With the individual.

When those in power have not done their own inner work, they perpetuate harm - as we all do.

I have always heard the phrase, hurt people hurt people. Then more recently I read (I can’t recall where!): not all hurt people hurt people. That one hit.

It is a privilege to heal and it is also a choice.

Sometimes we need to minimize our pain and suffering in order to survive. At other times, when we have the awareness and means, that minimization perpetuates harm.

And it’s not about rushing the process, but rather to know when it’s time to address it.

Everytown for Gun-Safety, a non-profit organization focused on gun control advocacy, doesn’t even have data as far back as my experience of being in a campus shooting, which was before Sandy Hook. 💔 But, this is what they do have (source link):

Since 2013 there were at least 1607 incidents of gunfire on school grounds, resulting in 523 deaths and 1178 injuries nationally.

And again, not only is it heartbreaking knowing that these incidents were avoidable, it’s also untethering and disturbing watching these numbers continue to rise.

And.

One way that we can all take action towards a safer world is by starting within, which is partially why I feel so dedicated to continuing to write this Substack. I hope that whether or not therapy is accessible to you, that my writing can offer something, even if it’s just some psychoeducation about the options out there. Or, perhaps telling my story can serve as some kind of witnessing for another student who has been through it.

Why? Because as my friend reminded me: Grief deserves a witness. We are not getting that witnessing from our lawmakers, but we can offer it to each other.

This is why I appreciated this movie. It is directly addressing the issue in a way that no one else seems to be able to do, albeit in a dramatic way. But it kind of works, no?

Last thing I’ll say

I actually loved the dark comedy in The Drama. I deeply appreciated its ridicule of just how ridiculous this situation is that we are in.

There is something about the last scene of Zendaya and Robert Pattinson sitting across from each other after all of it, where to me their connection felt less cute but more real. After knowing her past, and his transgression, they still came together.

Because that’s the thing: we have so much agency. We cannot control what happens to us all the time (most of the time?) but we ultimately do have agency and choice about how we respond, to ourselves and to others. I applaud those who are actively fighting to try and prevent further gun violence, along with activists fighting to prevent every other type of avoidable harm.

And, in the cases where harm is unavoidable, we do have the capacity as humans to offer each other repair.

Repair, or lack thereof, changes how we make sense of traumatic experience, how we make sense of ourselves and how we make sense of the world. Repair changes our experiences, ourselves and our world.

I wish I could leave this on a light note, but alas, I’ll leave it to The Drama for that - and I’ll leave you with the songs, Gimme All Your Love and This Feeling, by Alabama Shakes.

I provide holistic psychotherapy services in San Francisco and virtually to California residents. I specialize in treating anxiety, chronic stress and relationship issues for highly sensitive women. I am licensed to practice therapy in California. LMFT #162160.

Disclaimer: My Substack content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Engaging with me on Substack is not engaging in a therapeutic relationship and is not a replacement for one. I won’t respond to comments or messages about personal mental health concerns.

Current and former clients: please note that engaging with my Substack content may jeopardize your confidentiality. Please do not message me via Substack as it is not a secure method for communication, and I may not respond promptly. If you need to reach me, please email me. If you choose to unsubscribe at anytime, I completely understand. It will not affect our existing relationship.

Let’s begin

I have lived a portion of my life with a low grade level of urgency to fix “it” all now. It feels like a gas peddle that is pressed down, an engine always revving and a sense of feeling behind at the same time. Plus, “it” is a moving target, so when I achieve or reach some level of relief, the next “to do” is waiting impatiently for me to attend to it.

At the same time, after years of following the urgency, it’s like I also developed a break pedal equally pressed down (a sort of stuckness), which seemed to inhibit me from moving forward in any meaningful way. So while my mind would be spinning literally 1000 miles an hour, I would still be stuck.

Until recently

I recently asked the universe to show me how to rest, and sure enough a few weeks later it sent me a bout of physical fatigue. After the usual spiraling and trying to figure out why I felt this way, I realized it’s the only way I would listen. I gave myself a few days to do absolutely nothing, and it was as though my whole system recalibrated.

Nothingness

Having open space on the calendar is one of the things I see as most medicinal and essential for highly sensitive women to have in order to restore their nervous systems. Whether it’s 20 minutes or 20 hours, having open space and down time to do with it what you wish is really key.

During my few days of nothingness, the most restorative things I “did” were laying in the sun, laying on the floor and laying on the couch while looking out the window.

It felt like my body reset during this time, like if my mind were moving at 1000 mph most of the time, but my natural pace is more like 1, 10 or 100 mph (perhaps even 1000 mph when needed) depending on the circumstance, the open space to pause allowed everything around me to settle and catch up (down?) to my innate, balanced rhythm.

Only from that place, did a real shift happen, where I started to generate my own energy instead of borrowing it from the future. Instead of taking action from an “always behind” stance, I finally felt like I was actually leading, initiating. It felt less like a being dragged and more like a starting up. It felt good.

The truth

I have spent many hours, days and more with a sense of being behind, rushing and/or chasing a constant to-do list. It makes me cringe as I write it. It is such a distraction from living and enjoying my life - this sense that there is always something missing, something else I need to do, achieve or acquire in order to feel right.

I see this often with sensitive women who have survived by trying to do “it” right.

Whether it’s I need to respond immediately to my colleague or else I’ll be fired; I need to workout out today or else [insert your story here]; or, I need to buy this dress or else I won’t look right for the event - it is never enough.

Then, sometimes the urgency is driven by something a little more sinister (trigger warning) - these are the catastrophic unconscious thoughts that are like pollutants in the water. I should see this person next weekend because what if they die soon? Or I need to be outside when it’s nice because what if I’m missing out, or there’s a natural disaster soon?

While both of those things are true and possible, people will die and natural disasters may occur, it’s a very different thing to be living from a place of presence versus fear.

Pacing

When I slow down and begin to observe my inner monologue without immediately taking action on the urgent, fearful thoughts, I see something so interesting.

It’s like there is this little sputtering engine that has been working so hard, trying so hard just to do it right, to get it right, fix it - whatever “it” is - whether it’s body, beauty, work, relationships or life in general.

There is a constant striving for rightness e.g. perfection because those two are one and the same.

And guess what?

They don’t exist.

Literally, they don’t exist.

Let me tell you

It is equally relieving and grief-inducing to realize that the race you’ve been running for years is all an illusion. It’s not real except for a very deceivingly real experience in your mind (imagination).

It’s a little bit like waking up and seeing color after living in grayscale - always having known there was color out there somewhere, and thinking if you just did that one thing then the color would appear - when in reality, the color was there, with you, all along, and it is actually through doing nothing but noticing - becoming aware of and witnessing and observing the sense of endless urgency enough in order to see how it will pass, and it’s not real versus getting swept up in its wake.

What I understand now

There’s a difference between anxiety and overthinking.

Yes, anxiety involves excessive worry and possibly catastrophic thinking, and it also comes along with additional symptoms like muscle tension, feeling easily fatigued, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, irritability and/or sleep disturbances.

Overthinking may just be overthinking that accompanies anxiety, but it also may show up as a compulsive attempt to reduce anxiety from unwanted or intrusive thoughts, that sometimes feel less like individual thoughts and more like a blur of doubt or even dread.

What is OCD, like actually?

OCD involves recurrent, intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images or urges that cause marked anxiety or distress, and direct attempts to reduce that anxiety or distress through compulsive behaviors, which can be physical and/or mental, or avoidance. In order to meet the diagnostic criteria, the obsessions and/or compulsions need to take up more than one hour per day, or cause clinically significant distress or impairment.

OCD may feel like getting lost in a fog or a seemingly real alternative world of what ifs and imagined worst-case-scenarios, and/or panic-spinning in circles to no end - finding moments of relief through compulsive actions or avoidance, but staying stuck in the fog and/or whirlwind of chasing the next thing. And, it’s truly different for everyone, so the experience of having obsessive-compulsive tendencies may be different for you.

These attempts to soothe the anxiety (compulsions) are tricky in that they feel good for a short period of time, but they ultimately fuel this underlying belief that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, or that the anxiety is valid, or the doubt is real.

And, of course is this so nuanced and so personal because there are instances where of course anxiety is valid! And of course doubt is valid and normal! This is a bit different.

Now

Please know that experiencing rumination, urges to fix, guilt, doubt, dread, etc. does not equate to having OCD - those can exist on their own too! So, just because you resonate with this content, it does not mean you have a diagnosis.

OCD should be diagnosed by a mental health practitioner, and since it’s sometimes misunderstood, I also find that online education can be helpful and empowering! As always, with anything I share, please take what resonates and leave the rest. Some of what I share may land, and other parts of it may not - you are the expert of you.

If you have general questions, thoughts or comments, please feel free share them below, and as a friendly reminder: everything I share here is intended for educational and informational purposes only, so I won’t respond to personal mental health concerns.

If you’re interested in OCD and you’d like to learn more, here are a few places to start:

1. My former supervisor, Sarah McLaughlin, has some free resources on her website here (PDFs) to help you identify if what you’re experiencing is compulsive.

2. NOCD Academy has many offerings on OCD and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).

3. OCD Training School has a self-help online course using Inference-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (I-CBT) for treating obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) without exposures, if this particular approach resonates with you. I’m excited to be starting a training with them and I hope to have more to share here!

One last thing

As I was writing this, my own spiral kicked back up. The grip of that perfectionistic, it must be right part of me completely flared - doing what it thinks it does best, which is trying to protect me. From what? From judgement, shame, other people’s disappointment, etc. While this part of me can try desperately to be perfect, I am not. This part of me likely won’t ever go away, but my relationship to it is changing.

I can catch it now. I know the familiar hold it takes. I can sense the pace and quality of it, I notice how that little engine starts to rev, I feel it in the speed of my thoughts, in the way I am glued to my computer for hours, re-reading and editing words here and there to get the essay just right. And then I reach a point where I’ve sliced and diced it I don’t even recognize the flow it once was.

I had to slow myself down so as not to send this out impulsively, and I also, at a certain point, have to know when it’s complete, for now. I have countless thoughts spinning through my brain on this topic that I want to share with you, and as much as a part of me wants to leave it all here now so that I don’t “miss anything,” I know that’s a trap because there will always be more. So, I’m letting this be enough, for now.

Presence

With that, I leave you with a photo from my days of doing nothing and a moment of presence in this magical city.

Until next time <3

xx

jackie

I now see some familiar faces walking their little ones to school, on their morning runs or commuting to work + the dog who loves smelling the plants across the street.

Sometimes, I feel like a little Italian nonni observing what’s happening in the neighborhood with such sovereignty and a sense of peace.

At other times, as I stand there with my eyes closed and breathing in the fresh air, I worry I look bizarre and my neighbors are wondering “what is that woman doing?.”

Let’s be real, no one is watching me (although I know my sensitive sisters get this).

One day, I will have a patio, but for now, we are embracing window life.

Recently

The other day as I was sunbathing my face I saw a cute little pug hurdle around the corner and sprint down the sidewalk. My automatic reaction was panic (welcome to my nervous system). Where is the owner?! Is the pug okay?! Watch out cars!!

Then, a few moments later, comes along a person who was. just. chilling. They were sauntering down the street with their bags and leash, relaxed and attentive, following behind the pug’s paw-steps, and I thought to myself: I want to be THAT kind of person.

Actually, to be honest, I want to be that kind of person and that kind of pug. I want to be the kind of person that is so steady, and so secure that I can let [insert whatever or whomever] run free - not with negligence, but with presence (and swag), and I also want to be the pug running free, who knows that there is a steady, secure [other being] there watching over me.

Don’t we all want to be the steady one and the one who runs free?

Note: if you want to read more about this dynamic, I write more about it here.

From comparison to inspiration

Wanting to be like someone else, at times, used to make me fall into a shame spiral.

They are good and I am bad.

And honestly, at times it still does (human!) - yet, I catch it much more quickly now.

And, now when I feel envy or see someone who models what and how I aspire to be, I’ve started to shift from slipping into comparison towards feeling more inspired.

Lacey Phillips, founder of To Be Magnetic coined the term “expander.” In her book, How to Manifest, she writes,

“An expander is someone who has done what you aspire to do or embodies the life that you desire in some important way. These people allow us to see to believe that what we want is indeed possible. This changes our subconscious beliefs, and often our conscious thoughts, as well. We simply come to realize, ‘If they can do it (or have it or be it), then so can I!’” (Pg. 84-85).

What I love about Lacey’s reframe is that it really helps to embrace envy as a guidepost for what you want, and for what’s possible, versus a sign that you are “less than.” It is an invitation to shift from a state of comparison, to one of inspiration.

It is human nature at times to compare. We are social creatures and we are also competitive. There was a point in my life where I’d see an ‘expander’ and remain stuck in a state envy, lack and shame, and then even flip into judgment, righteousness and superiority.

It can be so uncomfortable to be with these parts of ourselves (I love how Patch talks about some of these personality patterns in Relationship School), and they’re human and here for a reason! Embracing all parts of ourselves mindfully, with curiosity (even compassion!), and without judgement or interpretation, can be enlightening, connecting and healing.

Which brings me to, relationships

This dynamic of envy —> comparison is also quite common with relationships.

I cannot even begin to express how much I hear about people comparing themselves to others, or their relationship to others’. “They seem so happy. They have a perfect marriage. They are such good parents. I bet they never fight.” The stories we tell ourselves! And, obviously in the modern age, social media is fuel for the fire.

Let me say this, and I really hope you receive it: comparison is truly not worth it.

Never have I ever felt any better after comparing, and more often than not I’ve learned that the story I had created about someone or a relationship was just that, a story.

And yet, there are also times where I see another person and/or relationship (or more accurately, I feel them - it’s the vibe!) and I am like, yes, I want to be like that (ex: the chill person and their happy pug). In these cases, it is usually something about their essence or energy, or in the case of a partnership, their connection and ease that is just IT.

This is where I deeply believe that even though comparison itself is a waste of time, the urge to compare is information and worth noticing. Cue: mindfulness (as always). There is a difference between getting lost in comparison and noticing the tendency.

The same is true for with any thought or feeling - cultivating the practice of noticing, embracing even, without getting swept up by it: I notice I am starting to compare, and then being curious about it without judging it or even interpreting it.

Feelings like envy and judgement can be our teachers, even our friends. They are pointing us towards something important: something we desire, or in the case of judgement, something we may judge in ourselves that we have yet to integrate fully.

This is the one of the cornerstones of Lacey Phillip’s work re: manifestation. Instead of slipping into comparison mode, which feels a lot like contraction (physically!) - if you begin to use envy as an indication of desire and of what’s possible for you, you can expand and will be blown away by the ways in which your life and authenticity unfolds.

A note on authenticity

I recently heard Maryam Hasnaa speak about authenticity and that when we see someone whom we aspire to be like, what we’re really are aspiring for is their authenticity.

For example, if you see someone whose style you love and you try to imitate that, it’s never going to feel quite right. This is because what you’re actually drawn to is authenticity, which will look and be different for you! Authentic self expression is unique. That’s not to say don’t be inspired (that would contradict everything I said above!), but rather to notice if and when you’re losing yourself in the process.

RIP to when I tried clogs, floral tops and earth tone dresses. Not for me, but I love them for you!

I know now we’re now dipping into style and away from ”healing,” but who says they’re not connected!? I leave you with a quote I saw that Alison Bornstein restacked recently by Anna S.

The narrative is transactional: buy this, wear that and the identity will follow. But the reality of developing personal style, real style, is far less convenient. It takes a lot of time and effort to find it, to find yourself.” (from Why you can’t “get” the Carolyn Besette look)

With that, I hope you have a day full of ease, steadiness, connection and freedom (or whatever it is that you are calling in!), while decked out in your own fab style.

Thank you for being here!

xx

jackie

I was going to write about how once I realized what was happening re: meltdown and was able to reinstate my morning routine, things settled and I felt like myself again.

All of that is still true. In fact, it was this realization that helped me recommit to my routine as a sacred practice - as one that fuels me - when I returned home in January.

However

Here we are, just a few weeks into the year and watching trauma unfold. Those who follow astrology have known that this time in our lives was projected to be destabilizing and also an opportunity for reimagining - a new future - but we can never really be prepared to witness and experience the violence that’s happening.

So, what to do? What can we do? How to be with our present reality without plummeting into hopelessness or despair? Note: despair is a healthy, normal response to this too.

Change the prescription

Normally I feel inspired when people say, “commit to your routine on the challenging days because that’s when it matters most.” I think there’s a lot of truth in that.

However, when we consider trauma and its impact on the mind and body, sometimes doubling down is not helpful and instead we need to change the prescription.

What is happening before our eyes and for some, in our communities and families, is collectively traumatic. Whether or not you are directly impacted in this moment and depending on your history, this can also be triggering your personal trauma.

So, we need to keep that in mind when we think about routine.

Titration and pendulation

Because we are not working with “normal” - we are working with trauma - we need to take a trauma-informed approach to routine, and that looks different for every person.

In trauma therapy there are two terms called “titration” and “pendulation” which basically support you to process the trauma at your own pace (titration) and by gently toggling in and out of processing the trauma and returning to safety or resource (pendulation), so as not to overwhelm your nervous system. When titrating, you ease your way into processing the experiences; with pendulation, you may briefly recall the traumatic experience, and then come back out into an experience of safety or resource (e.g. imagery of a safe place, your breath, one hand on heart and one hand on belly, connection with another person, the present moment - whatever calms you, brings you back to your body and the here and now).

When doing trauma work we do not dive all into the traumatic memory / experience and plan to stay there beyond what the nervous system can tolerate because as mentioned, it may be too much. First, we start by building resources (safety), so much so that it feels okay to dip into the memory / experience, and if/when it becomes too much, we can return to safety in the present moment (we pendulate). We do not rush the process. We do not stay there until it feels tolerable to do so. We find our way, processing and pausing, at a pace that feels okay to your nervous system (we titrate).

Safety-first builds enough capacity to process the trauma at our own pace. Slowing down, resourcing and titrating are such important steps in healing and transforming trauma, and of course, within the presence of a safe and present relationship.

So, like now - when trauma is happening within the collective, and in the present moment, what does titration look like? How do we pendulate? Where do we go when we need to resource?

Of course, it’s different for every person.

Example of changing the prescription

In my case, I have paused my daily journaling practice, per an astute observation by my therapist that when I’m already emotionally overwhelmed, intense journaling doesn’t help. I felt some guilt about this at first, given how much I have preached about JournalSpeak (and I will continue to preach about JournalSpeak for chronic symptoms!). However, the goal of JournalSpeak is to let the emotions out, and in a week where my emotions felt too big, it’s actually better for me not to deepen into my emotions - otherwise I notice I tend to feel “flooded” (overwhelmed). This decision to pause my daily journaling for now is a way of regulating and titrating - knowing when it’s too much, and returning when it feels right.

Along with not journaling, I have paused meditating (!!). Why? Because sitting with eyes closed during traumatic activation is often not helpful, and in fact it can lead us deeper into the traumatic activation - leaving our nervous systems more dysregulated and us more dissociated (disconnected from the present moment and the body).

So, what am I doing instead? I am still prioritizing down time but with my eyes open.

Increasing the prescription:

Beyond changing the prescription, it’s a good time to increase the prescription. That may look like adding some things, subtracting others and generally prioritizing resourcing, connection and regulating the nervous system. Some bigs ones include:

1. Stay. Off. Your. Phone. // You do not need to watch traumatizing videos to know that what’s happening is wrong, and right now - especially on social media - it’s hard to manage what we see. Perhaps try reading and/or listening to the news in doses that keep you informed and feel tolerable to your nervous system.

2. Talking to friends IRL. // Whatever your emotional response is - depressed, numb, enraged, devastated, bereft, frozen, mobilized, all of it - connecting in real life is ESSENTIAL in times like this. Please do not isolate even if it’s tempting.

3. Back to the basics. // Cooking homemade meals, moving your body in a way that feels supportive, walking. every. single. day, getting sunlight in the morning. These practices are the foundation of wellness and nervous system regulation.

4. Remind yourself of your agency. // My therapist keeps reminding me: name what you can’t control, name (and do) what you can. You do have agency over the ways you take care of yourself, and we all play a role (Deepa Iyar, 2017).

5. Healthy dissociation. // Dissociation (checking out, disconnecting) is the body’s last resort in traumatic situations - it’s a way to escape when there is no escape. It’s absolutely genius. Unconscious dissociation can be life-saving, and it also takes a toll over time. However, we can consciously choose healthy dissociation in moderation, such as listening to a book on tape and/or watching feel-good shows to titrate (my current faves are With Love, Meghan, and of course Heated Rivalry - obsessed).

A wise friend of mine reminded me last weekend, as we were out to dinner and connecting over all the grief and also the joys in our world, of where she’s using her agency - for example, shopping local, and supporting community members and businesses who are values-aligned. Even when we don’t have control in many big ways, there are ways where we clearly do have agency, and these ways matter!

As I wrote about here and as I’m also feeling in the many sweet interactions I’m having on a daily basis, I know I’m not alone in reclaiming joy this year - both as an end goal and also as a way to sustain and fuel whatever work we do or role we play.

So

With everything unfolding, please let this be your permission to titrate - stay informed, stay connected to what’s happening, and also stay connected to yourself and your people.

If you have any questions, feedback or need additional resources related to trauma-informed practices or care, please don’t hesitate to reach out! We in this together.

Sharing a photo of me in the office with my new guardian art by Tatjana Auschew.

Thank you for being here <3,

xx

jackie