As many of you I’m sure can relate, I’ve always been someone that never fit into a box, always feeling like no single particular “thing” was fulfilling enough on it’s own to be my “true calling”. I’m the type of person that spends her days walking the streets with an endless sense of childlike wonder. Inspired by the unique colors and architecture around me. Always reflecting on life’s greatest mysteries, fascinated by the fact that everyone around me has such a unique story to tell. I romanticize everything. I go to bed each night excited for my cappuccino in the morning and for my morning walks in my favorite NYC neighborhoods. Everything in my life holds so much meaning to me. I have a fiercely independent mind that refuses to oversimplify complex things and sees nuances in everything. A sensitive soul, with burning fire in her heart.

About two months ago, I came home from a trip to visit family in Florida and unfortunately fractured my toe. During my time at home, healing from my injury that question continued to haunt me. Even though I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my time as actress and model and still do, there was still something inside me that said, “This isn’t it. Something is still missing. But what is it?.” I’ve been so lost on what path I’m going to take next and have felt very unfulfilled creatively for a while now. After significant reflection and meditation, something dawned on me- any artistic work I’ve ever done, has always been about bringing others’ visions to life. Always “playing a character” in one way or another, but never coming up with my own visions or creating my own unique work. I remember applying for acting work last summer and eventually reaching a point where I kept whispering to myself, “I feel like I’m being drawn further away from myself, but I’m not quite sure why”.

I’ve realized now that I’ve been feeling more like a puppet than an artist when it comes to my work. Like no one really knows who I am beneath the characters I’ve been chosen to play. Maybe years of having a fear of being fully seen made me drawn to hiding behind other people’s visions instead of creating my own. If I can just do what other people wanted of me, I’ll be validated, loved, accepted. The only criticism I’d have to deal with was criticism of my performance. Not criticism of who I am. And I knew at heart there would be more at stakes with the latter. If people really knew more about me and all the inner workings of my mind, would they support me? Would they love me? Would they care? Would they still think I’m “good”? If I really laid all my cards on the table and said, “Take me or leave me”, who would stay? Who would I “lose”? What would that cost me? Can I handle the grief that comes from shedding what no longer serves me in order to feel truly free?

I currently feel like there’s this bomb inside me waiting to explode, and I take it as a really good sign. I feel more confident than ever in who I am, what I stand for, my perspectives, and my willingness to take up space. It sounds weird to say I’m “so eager to be known” but it’s true, and I’m so grateful for that. You’re probably waiting to see if I ever had some “ah hah” moment. When something finally clicked and now I’m ready to follow that path. But the truth is, I think part of what I’m called to do is share more of my truth with the world even when I don’t know exactly what my next step looks like. To have confidence in the fumbles and the not-knowing. To not postpone joy. To not wait to find that thing that feels perfectly aligned to allow more of my authentic self to be seen. To allow that imperfect, whimsical, fiery, empathetic soul to shine in one way or another, even if the avenues of self expression change over time. To finally use my own voice, and bring other’s along for the ride. (Who else has that little voice in their head that cringes when they talk about themselves like this?.. “Does this sound conceited?” “Who cares?” “Be more specific, this sounds silly!”… You’re not alone, and your voice matters too)

In my upcoming posts, I’ll be exploring the intersection of creativity, psychology, neuroplasticity, spirituality, philosophy, transformation, and more. All the subject matters that truly light me up inside. Some posts will be personal essays, some hot takes, some educational, but more than anything- true to me and my authentic self. I promise to always share from the heart, and if my words can inspire you to see the world through a new lens, or take action in a new way, or simply feel less alone, I will have fulfilled my greatest purpose.

Thank you so much for being here and for reading this far. I feel like I’m coming out of hiding for the first time in a long time. It’s scary. It’s exciting. But man am I so freaking ready.

P.S. Bonus points for anyone who loves sunsets and capybaras ;)