if I will get to see you,

or if our hands will touch,

or if the socks will fit,

or if I will be able to speak...

No, I don't know…

But this I know –

that you will see me,

that you will know me,

that you will feel my love,

that we will never part.

Because I have never left you,

I am that star above,

shining and pulsing my light,

dispersing the shadows

with my language of love.

At first,
the house is quiet.
There is a dryness in the air,
a waiting room
outside the slaughter.

Then a spark,
caused by agitation,
fuelled by fate and desire.
A small fire starts
at an unassuming corner.

The fire grows,
it hungers for possession,
for dreams.
The living room becomes
its breathing apparatus.

It spreads,
to the curtains,
and the windows break,
and the fire rides on chariots
towards the kitchen, the bedrooms above.

Then it burns
living flesh, it burns
with mercilessness,
it burns without regard
amidst the bloodcurdling screams.

It wants to conquer
and vanquish everything
into carbon and ash.
It wants to smother every space
in its suffocating soot.

Even the fireman
who struts in with full gear,
is forced to get on all fours.
Water jets lash at the fire,
fire engulfs both hostage and fireman.

At this stage,
the ending is clear.
The hostage thanks the fireman,
rewrites the ending.
“Release me, and save yourself!”

But the fireman says “No!”
and continues the fight.
Layer by layer, like molten lava,
fire bores through his suit.
“You must let me go!”

The fumes permeate
into the helmet and wring his neck.
Fire confronts the fireman,
“Do you concede?”
The fireman says:

“You may be stronger,
more powerful than my jet.
Even if you consume us,
you do not win today.
Mercy has already won.”

This poem can also be read vertically through the 3 columns of flames.

One's true nature shows clearly when put under fire. Here's to all who may have experienced such a season.

Blessed Christmas to all!

You come into the room like a gentle breeze
On a torrid day. 
Though the heavy air refuses welcome, 
You arrive, you arrive. 

You come into the room like a ray of promise
On a frigid day.
Though the icy stares freeze your steps, 
You provide, you provide. 

You come into the room like a warm embrace 
On an unforgiving day.
Though the turbulent howl blasts and casts you away, 
You endure, you endure. 

And I don’t know how you do it–
This arriving, this providing, this enduring,
But you do so like the unwavering canvas sky,
Surely, it must be from God!

So really...
May the Lord bless you and keep you,
May His face shine upon you,
May He be gracious to you, and
May He give you peace. 

Pieces of you

My wife, my darling,

You are melting away like a glacier.

And I, your watchman,

Desperately gather pieces of you

As you crumble into the unforgiving ocean.

I sit beside you day and night,

Like a light house, watching the tides lure you away.

Like a lighthouse, I ward off wandering ships,

But the waves keep chipping away.

You keep melting away.

Stay, please stay!

With bare hands I try to contain.

I pour out my love but you,

You keep melting away.

Melt away.

Please...

I pray,

Stay.

(Music generated by Musichero AI; lyrics by me)

Our Garden

When Venus planted blessings on our paths,

Our wintry lives began to grow new grass.

My life before you came was coal and grave,

Supposed to be imprisoned by disgrace.

Golgotha's hill that merged unlikely hearts,

Coarse gravel gladly yoked with timeless quartz.

You glistened through my tarry dark of night,

In spite of howling storms, your love abides.

Our garden grew just simple daffodils,

And turtle doves that nestled on our grille.

I wished that autumn never had to come,

But leaves, they started falling to the ground.

One day, I found my daffodils were brown,

That day I knew cold winter was to come.

My fallen flower tired from her bloom,

Your petals scattered in our garden tomb.

I feel the powdery paper moisten
in my faint grasp and hold back despair for as long as I can. I look at the now not-so-fresh paper
and tears smudge the ink that says,
1.22am.

The familiar smell of dark night permeates as I see the doctor out.

I am now alone.

I am, now,
alone.

My house                  
                  is leaving me 
My porch is cracked open                   
                  by intrusive root heaves
My garden is overwhelmed                   
                  by wily weeds 
My door is disintegrated                   
                  by destructive termites 
My staircase is collapsing  
                  into my barren store room
My kitchen is clogged up                   
                  by impassable pipes
My living room is dwindling                      
                  into dead space
My bedroom is reeking                   
                  of decaying flesh
My house is expelling me                    
                  from every corner
My house                   
                  is leaving me

Where do I find Home?

Until I didn't, I couldn't

Until God made clear

The path He willed

Until my body no longer

Carried me for long parades

Until my breath was too short

For my commands and lectures

Until God made clear

He is my CEO

And He does it His Way

May I write a letter

To the CEO, God

Sharing my feedback

To the life He planned for me:

Great compliments

To the beauty of creation

I captured in photography

To the wholesomeness of family

And friends I can call brothers

To well-paid jobs with high-flying perks

Never needed to pay for a car

Flew to many countries

Including Brazil and China

To the good wine and company

And the occasional moutai

Which left me stumbling back

To the 5 star hotel rooms

The next half of my letter

I'm afraid, God, is unfavourable

But feedback is important even for You

For a hard worker like me

Should deserve to enjoy retirement

More travels, golf and wine

With my dearest brothers in crime

For a committed father like me

Should deserve more quality time

Instead of dinners so limited

By my stomach or energy level

For a loving husband like me

Should deserve to grow old with her

Instead of craving her dishes unendingly

And may I say

If Your will is to bring me home

Make it swift without suffering

Be decisive as a CEO

With razor sharp timing

And clear communication

Don't leave me guessing and hoping

Don't leave me weakening

Don't leave me uncertain

Don't leave me helpless

Dont leave me forlorn

Don't leave me alone

Don't leave me

Don't leave

Above all

Amazing Grace

How great You are

You did it Your way

When i did it mine

Because You live

I will face tomorrow

On earth or in Heaven

With You

Grief enveloped her sturdy mass
Her moon eyes gravitated to the empty bed
Struggled to sniff the remaining whiffs
Her loyal spirit called to bide
Her loving master called to bid farewell
'Here's a treat, good job Pepsi!'

20th Dec 2024 10pm

Juno:
Today was the best day of my life! Mum brought us to her work place! I have broken the record on the amount of cuddles I got today! I saw humans of different sizes.. the small ones tend to be more unpredictable, but they smell sooooo sweet, like chocolate! (Although I have never gotten to taste chocolate- mum says dogs can't eat chocolate.)

Kuro:
Today was fairly exciting. I don't mind car rides. Mum drove us to her work place. I've always wondered where she goes to everyday. Her workplace is spacious and smelled new. Surprisingly, it smelled of dogs too. The people were welcoming- a little too excitable. I'm glad my sis shielded me from the attention.

Juno:
We got to go to the wards! And guess what! We saw another dog called Pepsi! Who would have thought??!!! Pepsi told us the work there was enjoyable and meaningful! Pepsi said the job entails getting treats while getting petted, and taking photos! It's a dream job for a dog!

Kuro:
I can't do this job. Getting petted and hearing screeching high-pitched squeals while getting your face scrunched up in human hands?? It'll be a nightmare for me! I won't do it even for treats. I shudder at the thought of it. I find it more meaningful staying at home, guarding my house.

Juno:
We got to watch mum's friends at work. They talked about people who were staying there in serious tones. They call them patients. I got to see a patient being brought to the sky garden.. the whole bed could move with them! Beds with wheels!! I noticed something that made me feel sad though. The patient on that moving bed looked really thin and there was an unfamiliar smell. Like she was really sick. I hope they give her more treats. I wish I could lie beside her all day and cheer her up. She looked happy to see me! I'm glad that dogs like Pepsi work there. The patients really need some encouragement. For now, it's good night and sweet dreams! What a lovely day!

Kuro:
I overheard mum talking about her job one day so I know she does something serious. Juno is so naive. She says she wants to be like Pepsi but I don't think she knows what it entails. I don't want to break it to her, she just has to find out for herself. I know it's not for me. I'm more interested in mindfulness and security. Speaking of which, house gate is closed, we are safe. Lights out!

Making a mess amidst the stress of miscellaneous cares and meandering snares, feeling a mess amidst the restless quest to live and lift the prayer of St Francis, best declare in despair that we face a mess unless God takes our share and state of affairs and spares us from the human shame of falling short because His mercy has on the Cross bear all the mess, all the mess, all the mess. 

Instrument of peace
Sow love not hatred
Pardon injury
Faith above doubt
Hope in despair
Lighten darkness
Seek joy in sadness
Console, understand, love, give, forgive and die to self
Let go and let God

Mess makes
Us meek
To seek
God

This week 

Cancer 
tried to feast on whole-
ness

Delirium
tried to gaslight 
and confuse

Pain 
tried to ruin
precious moments

Fear
tried to cause chaos 
and hate

Time
tried to threaten 
and hold ransom

But

Love
only needed to whisper

Friendship
only needed to stand

Dignity 
only needed to breathe

God 
only needed to hear

And

We won!

Serving dollops of oats and egg,
the 18 year old me
I sit leaning forward
as she whispers her life story

Naked on the commode
Resigned to full dependence
Where body meets stranger
Love dispels impuissance

Hymns percolate her hollow room
'Because He lives', she says
'All fear is gone, life's final war'
With hope, she counts her days

Confession to a stranger
Seems strangely put at ease
The young interested listener
Also hides her new found grief

At home unclothes her anguish
Considers as she ponders
How this grief is still worthwhile
Because love does linger...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Years later at 42
I return to this same hospice
Standing tall on fresh new ground
Heart and spirit still one peace

Kind faces, warm embrace
Welcoming smiles, acts of grace
Cosy corners, charming place
Abiding mission, vibrant space

My origin of passion
Ushered a blessed path
This place reignites within me
This call to brave the rough

For passion stems from suff'ring
Amidst life's treacherous course
Yet Love prevails unending
No matter the river you cross

There is a difference
Between cold silence
And calm stillness 

The silence he chose 
When he walked away.
Intentionally.
Withdraw, withhold.
Resolved to seek 
Power and control.
The silence he chose
At the altar or deathbed
The everyday neglect
That chipped away any form 
Of self-sufficiency

There is a difference
Between cold silence
And calm stillness

The stillness you had
When he walked away.
The knowledge you possessed
That kept him at bay.
The agile stillness
That fought each silent battle.
In quiet resolve to preserve
Your identity and influence.
Over what is yours
Your soul, your life
Eternity.