I always just thought I was straight. And for me I found that uninteresting. My journey into finding that I was eventually Bi was a roller coaster. One day I’m sure as hell that I'm straight. The next I’m confused cuz why did I find that girl quite attractive? And it's like that, over and over again. While I was in that confusion era, I was religiously listening to Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood (which, though I didn't know at the time, was actually considered a Bi-anthem) and Girls/Girls/Boys by Panic! at the Disco, which in hindsight I should've taken as a sign that I was, ultimately, bi.

I think what sealed the deal for me was this ASMR video of two Russian ladies just being quite intimate with each other (see screenshot below). And I was enamoured by that video. I realized that I can't get that type of intimacy with a man. I craved the touch of a woman. But I still wanted dick and I was open to vaginas.... so yep, definitely bi.

With my friends and peers at school, even with my cousins, I didn't have to come out. I think somehow they just knew. And they asked and I answered that I was a bisexual. And that was it. Maybe it also helped that we were all open to queerness already. And I had friends that were queer themselves. What I am worried about though is my family. Especially my aunts and uncles and grandpa. I know they've accepted other family members that came out as gay and lesbian. But how would they feel about me? Especially with the people I live with right now. When me and my gay uncle are watching BL shows my aunt would say things like "baka mahawa sa kabaklaan mo yang bata". And the same aunt would say to me sometimes "Hoy, wag kang gagaya sa tito mo ah, pag ako nalaman kong tibo ka..." My other aunt would, I think be more open to it but she still makes remarks like "hindiiiiii, straight yang si Jada, diba anak?" And this aunt doesn't really get the idea of people coming out as bisexual. She thinks that these people are just using bisexuality as an excuse to not come out as totally gay or totally lesbian. She thinks they're just using it as a safety net to not get judged as hard as those who come out as fully gay or lesbian. But that's not the case at all! Thats definitely not the case for me. I am a bisexual and I like girls and boys.

My bi-percentage would be 60% straight and 40% gay. I still prefer dick over vagina, but i wouldn't say no to pussy, do you get what I mean? My bi-ness would be like one of those old timey bikes. Those bikes with unequal wheel sizes.

So I got what I wanted... I’m fully bi now! Wish granted! But now I'm just terrified of the day I would date a girl and im gonna have to introduce her to my family. They would probabaly assume that I was a lesbian. But what would happen if I bring home a guy the next few years? Would they say that I’m cured and I’m straight again? Would they understand me? Or better yet, will they be willing to understand me? Will they be willing to accept this bisexual kid of theirs, regardless of who she introduces to them? Will they be able to accept the fact that they'll never be certain whether I'll marry a guy or a gal someday? That they're gonna have to accept that every partner introduction will be a guessing game, will it be a girl this time or a boy? And will they be able to understand that even if I bring home a GUY I am still bisexual, I am still a queer kid through and through? I hope so. I hope they will understand. I hope they will accept me.

To all the bisexual peeps out there, may we be met with nothing but acceptance and understanding.

Love y'all.

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Ever since I was a little child, my mom has already raised me to become independent. I am taught how to wash the dishes, cook rice, wash my school uniforms, etc. I would get myself ready for school at 5 in the morning. Then I would come home from school, do my assignments, little bits of house chores here and there, and wait for my mom to come home. I was used to this setup. I was used to having moments of freedom. And I loved it. I loved being able to spend my time alone.

All of these changed when she died. I had to move into my grandparent’s house. And there was always people there, 24/7. And to say I hated it is an understatement. It drove me crazy. I know what you think, “grabe naman tong batang toh, ang OA? Para dun lang maiinis na?” But for me it was everything. I couldn’t even cry in peace without someone coming in my face and telling me to stop crying. Di niyo ba gets? GUSTO KO LANG NAMAN UMIYAK!!! And it was hard din at the time kasi online classes pa kami nun, we’re in the middle of the pandemic and grabe, halos magpatayan na ata pamilya ko kaka away. Picture this, me in the middle of the living room, in my earbuds, TRYING to listen to my teacher, and there’s my family in the background, fighting their asses off. Sino ba naman hindi mabuburyong? Yung toxic ka na nga, depressed ka na nga, may mental illness ka na nga na di nila maintindihan at ayaw nilang tanggapin, tapos pati mga kasama mo sa bahay sasabay pa ng toxicity. And FYI, it’s still the same, many years later, kahit tapos na ang pandemya.

Okay it got better after a while since once the pandemic was over, we moved to a separate condo unit. Me and my aunt. And when F2F classes started it was like I was back with my mom, the same routines over again. And for a brief moment I was happy. Until I was not. Until I was killing myself every chance I get. And now my doctors and my aunt decided I cannot be left alone. So now I have to have someone with me every hour of every single day. Just a reminder, I want to be left alone. I want my freedom. So you can expect me just crying and crying and crying about my situation everyday. It is driving me nuts. It is driving me mad. It is driving me crazy. The people around me can’t seem to understand that I’m happier when I’m left alone. I’m okay with seeing them every weekends and holidays. I’m okay with seeing my friends and other people. But I NEED my alone time. It’s like I can’t function when there’s people around me 24/7. Be it with school work or chores, I seem to do those better when I’m alone.

I am currently a Grade 12 student. And I’m in the middle of CETs season. I really want to apply for a scholarship to La Salle, partly because I want to live in a dormitory there and get the fuck away from here. I just mentioned it to my aunt and as usual, binabara niya lang agad. Kesyo malayo daw, bahain daw, blah, blah, blah. Inggit na inggit na ko sa mga friends ko na nagdodorm na o may mga apartment na. I want that freedom. And I’ll still see my family, uuwi parin naman ako every weekend and holidays. Sadyang ayaw lang talaga ako payagan.

Okay, so kasalanan ko rin naman, I’m an unstable bitch. Pero I’ve been trying really hard to better myself, ayaw lang talaga nila. It’s just like with what happened to Emman Atienza. When word of that broke out, ang sinisisi agad nila ay yung mga magulang niya. Bakit daw kasi hinayaan nila Kuya Kim na mag-isa siya abroad. And their way of thinking really saddened me. Of course they would let her go and have her freedom. Hindi naman pwede na lagi nalang nakakulong sa bahay nila. A person needs to go out and do things on their own. It wasn’t their fault that Emman was feeling that way and she decided to end her life like that. For me it’s very backwards thinking. I’m actually so proud of Kuya Kim and family for letting Emman live her life the way she wanted it to be. I’m so happy that they let her explore and get out of her comfort zone. Emman may have died young, but she lived. She lived her life fully, which is something that I won’t be able to do if my family won’t leave me alone :))
(Now I just want to write a whole article about Emman Atienza… maybe I will…)

I’m not losing hope though. I’ll continue going into therapy and I’ll continue taking my meds. Maybe someday, they’ll me have the freedom I crave so badly.

And I love my family. I love them so much. I know every family has their flaws. But sometimes I wish they understood me, you know? Madalas kasi feeling ko hindi nila ko naiintindihan. Minsan kasi imbes na suporta at pagiintindi yung nakukuha mo sa pamilya mo, minsan panghuhusga at pangungutya pa madadama mo eh. Pero okay lang yun. Okay lang, tinatanggap ko kasi mahal ko sila. Kasi pamilya ko sila. Okay lang ako.

Gusto ko lang talaga mabuhay ng mapayapa. Gusto ko lang naman makontento sa kung anong meron ako. Pero wala pa ko sa stage na yun eh. Andito palang ako sa stage na gusto makamit lahat ng mga pangarap ko, kahit gaano kalayo man ito abutin.

I know it’s also not common, especially for Filipino families, for children to leave the house the moment they turn 18, unlike in the States. But the children are evolving, and people just have to accept that some kids just want to venture out on their own. Sometimes the best thing you could do is leave them alone. Leave them to figure out life all by themselves. They’re always gonna come back to you anyways. Kayo parin naman lagi ang magiging panhinga at payapa nila. Kasi kayo ang pamilya nila. I just hope that every Filipino kid out there has a good family to fall back to.

To every young adult who just wants to live and discover life alone, I hope we make it.

Grabeng rant na yan guys. Pero nakaabot ka sa dulo?
Nuks naman, salamat! Thank you, dear readers!
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I am an only child. So every chance I get, I treat my friends and cousins as though they are my own siblings. I’ve never really dealt with losing a sibling. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with it, until many years later (as in death, not broken up friendships). But I was wrong. I now have to learn the painful truth that people come and go.

This friend, or perhaps “sister” of mine is very dear to me. I’ve known her since the 7th grade and she was my first friend in high school. I love her dearly. We were so tight-knit in grades 7 and 8. But somehow, somewhere along the way, we slowly drifted apart. Maybe it’s because we had face-to-face classes already? (Yep, we were pandemic high school freshies) Things just weren’t the same anymore. She had found new friends and I eventually found new ones too. But I’m not here to talk about why and how our friendship ended (I don’t want to put anyone in a bad light), I’m here to talk about how I feel.

It sucked. It really, really sucked. It hurt. Maybe it hurts more that I was the one who ended the friendship. I didn’t want to. But I’ve been hurt multiple times not to. It was for the sake of myself as well. I had to stop it before I ended up hurting her, before we ended up hurting each other.
(And it sucks that I don’t think she even realizes how much she’s hurt me… hay naiiyak na naman ako guys gg)

She was someone I had shared six years of my life with. I expected forever between us. I didn’t know our friendship would end so soon. Now I don’t even know how she’s doing, I don’t even know where or what she’s doing for college. I didn’t get a chance to attend her 18th birthday either. It was something we were both looking forward to before. And I wasn’t able to go to a sleepover to her house either. It was something we were planning to do for months.

I miss her. Deeply. I still miss her even if it’s been months since our friendship ended. I thought about it a lot. I really thought long and hard about whether or not I was going to end my friendship with her. And every time, I come to the same conclusion, I have to. I don’t believe that I have to. And yet, I do.

I’m also really close with her parents. My mother also knew her parents as well since we shared school text books during the pandemic and we had to send the books to each other via a courier. I love her parents. I don’t know if they think of me differently now that I cut all ties with their daughter. (Funnily enough, I’m still friends with her mom on Facebook, even though I’m not friends with her anymore.) I hope they forgive me. I hope she forgives me. I hope that one day, if we ever meet again, we’ll be okay. Not okay as in we’re friends again. But okay as in we recognize each other as someone wo used to be an integral part of our lives, and yes we love each other, and this love that we have, or this respect, is the reason why we’re not forcing ourselves into each others lives anymore.

I have to accept the fact that our lives are only two intersecting lines, destiny made us meet, however briefly, to teach each other lessons that we’ll never forget. We aren’t meant to last forever in each others lives, and that’s the harsh truth we have to accept.

I love you, dear sister. Thank you for those wonderful six years.

I hope you don’t avoid me the next time we meet.

I hope we can still greet each other, those hi’s and hello’s, as people who have grown apart, but was once close together.

Hanggang sa muli, aking kaibigan.

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I am an ambitious person. For some reason being perceived as just “ordinary” doesn’t sit well with me. For as long as I can remember, I have been told that I was special. I have been told I am #1. I think I was well into being just an ordinary child. I couldn’t memorize my ABCs, my strict, Asian parents thought I was stupid. That was until my Kindergarten graduation. My whole family, especially my mom, was so surprised that I was the 1st Honor of our class. My dad was incredulous, he kept asking my teacher if this was actually true. They were happy, of course they were happy. My mom even made the remark that she should’ve made me take an entrance exam for UP Integrated School (basically a good school run by the University of the Philippines) had she known that I was smart. I think this is where everything started.

Ever since then I needed to be the top 1 in my class, always. I had to perfect all my assignments, quizzes, and tests. My projects needed to be beautiful. Every single failure, every time I get more than 3 mistakes or I’m not the top scorer of my class, I would go home terrified. I would be crying the moment my mom came home from work because I know I have to tell her my horrible grades. Periodical exam season was the worst. I had to study for the whole day with no TV, even just for a short break. I would study my books, then I would study the printed reviewers my mom made, then I would answer mock tests she makes or looks up on the internet. It was rigorous and I always wish that I was just a stupid kid so I wouldn’t get pressured into getting high marks. Every start of the school year my mom also always makes me canvass out the new students in our class. Are they smarter than me? Would they be able to take my place as top 1? Luckily for me, no one was able to take my place during elementary school. I managed to graduate as Class Valedictorian with almost all the subject (Best in…) awards.

High school was way different though. My mom was finally lenient on me! Since she understands the struggles of being in a science high school, just getting passing grades and moving on to the next grade level was enough for her. I still managed to be top 1 in grade 7 though. And I got in the Star sections for grades 8 and 9 (that was until the school decided to break the whole star section idea and just do the sectioning randomly, homogenous?).

High school really changed my perception about things. I realized I wasn’t special at all. In fact, I was mediocre at best. Smarts, academics, that was all I had to offer, and even then I wasn’t the best at it. I don’t think I even made it to our batch’s top 10. And all the people in my school had so much to offer. There were singers, dancers, actors, sports players, research wiz’s, and leaders. They were everything I wanted to be.

Here’s the thing about me, I always just dream. That’s it. I just dream. I just imagine what my life would be like if I did this and that. I dreamt of becoming a figure skater, a boxer, a rock climber, a professional swimmer, a gymnast, a martial artist, a runner, a theater actor, a singer, a violinist, a painter, and so much more. But that’s all they ever will be, dreams. I tried some of them, I failed and I never did them again. Some I just think are too far-fetched for the life I am living now. That’s the thing about me, I start something and I never see the end of it. I always just give up in the middle of everything.

It’s the same thing with hobbies, really. Even reading and writing, the things I love doing most. Sometimes I would read so much books in a week, and sometimes a month would pass by and I haven’t read a single thing. The same with writing. Heck I don’t even know if I’ll actually stick with this whole Substack writing thing… but for my 100 and so subscribers, I’ll try my hardest to stick with this hehe. Right now I am currently obsessing over scene sticker books and fountain pens. We’ll see how those go.

I guess that’s the problem with having an imaginative and depressed mind. I can imagine all sorts of scenarios where I am an overachiever (I have one favorite in particular: it’s when I am an actress in Philippine showbiz while I am in law school. And I have a boyfriend from UP who’s at med school. And at the same time I am also a theater actress and musician. AND at the same time I am also a content creator and people love me for my authenticity. [anlala ko, diba? delulu is the solulu ang peg haha!] I am so batshit crazy, right?!?!) And all while I am imagining this, I am just a depressed girl who struggles to get out of bed every morning and has no energy for the things she used to like doing.

I don’t know what will happen in the future but I hope I can be happy with whatever I have going on. I hope I’ll be content.

To contentment and happiness.

(For some reason my substack crashes when I try to add the subscribe button with the caption so…)

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Last Wednesday, August 5, 2026, me and two of my friends had a sleepover. It was a little bit like a housewarming for my friend’s new apartment in the bustling city of Manila. And now looking back, I feel somewhat confused? Sad? Nostalgic? Content? Optimistic? Worried? And maybe even sentimental? All at the same time.

We’re all growing up so fast. It seems only yesterday when I was a little girl, computing what year I’ll be turning 18, what year I’ll be going to college. It seems only yesterday that me and my friends are in 10th grade, having our mini picnics over shared baons in research class. I don’t believe that all of my friends are in college now. I don’t believe that I’m in the middle of college applications right now. It all happened so fast. It was all a blur. And a part of me wishes I stayed in those moments longer. A part of me wishes I pushed to remember every detail of my favorite moments more.

In this friend group of mine, there’s five of us. And only three out of five was able to join in the sleepover. One was too busy with school that started in July, and the other one was already in Los Banos, Laguna, college there already starting. And that made me feel a little sad. It made me think about our future hang outs. College is only but starting, yet we’re already having trouble arranging our schedules in order for us to meet. Will that always be the case in the future? The daily hangouts to SM North will turn to bi-annual hangouts where we won’t even be complete because someone will always have a conflicting schedule. I don’t want that. I’m scared of that happening. But no matter how scared, no matter how much I don’t want it happening, it is happening.

Nonetheless, I was thankful for this sleepover. Honestly, I wanted this sleepover to last forever. Am I too greedy to want to spend forever just hanging out with my friends? Me and my two friends decided to meet at SM North and just book a ride to Manila. On that day, there happened to be a class suspension so every student within a 30-mile radius of SM North was there. And I found it funny that I was always looking away every time I see a senior high Kisay student. Then I would realize I don’t really know those people anymore. The people I know have already graduated. And again, that just made me think about the future even more!! Years from know, when we return to SM North and see students donning a Kisay uniform, will we approach them? Will we feel nostalgic from afar? I hope by then we all have nothing but good memories from our alma mater.

It was a rainy car ride, and yes I was getting dizzy and lightheaded, but I loved every second of it. When we got to Manila, we dropped of our stuff at the unit and went to the mall to buy groceries and eat lunch. After the embarrassing grocery mishap, finally (FINALLY!!) we had lunch. It was a long discussion where we’re going to eat lunch. But eventually decided on Yabu. It was my first time eating there, and goddamn it was so delicious!!! Yabu is a Japanese tonkatsu place with unlimited rice, shredded cabbage, miso soup, and fruit. Now I just want to eat at Yabu everyday for the rest of my life. The tonkatsu itself was so crispy and evenly breaded, and it was meaty and thick!! And you can even see a sliver of fat in the slices! I enjoyed grounding up the sesame seeds to mix in with the tonkatsu sauce. I adored the miso soup and had several (okay quite many) refills of it. And the cabbage!!! SO FUCKING GOOD!!! We managed to use up half of the cabbage dressing (I think it was some kind of roasted sesame dressing), mind you it was full when we got it! And the little dot of yellow wasabi paired so well with the katsu and sauce. (Hehe this became a food review for a sec—haha sorry). And we also got Chagee (it was my first time trying it and I loved it! I love you Da Hong Pao and Boya Jasmine!!) and La Lola churros.

Back at the condo, the unit was so cold and cozy. We decided to stay at the sofa bed the whole day and just played Mobile Legends (ML) until 9 PM. I am only a beginner in ML, having been successfully peer-pressured by friends after 6 or 7 years of not wanting to play lol. Then we had our PPT Night! I didn’t expect a night of slideshow presentations to be so fun but it was! I hope I get to do it with more people next time. We ended staying up so late. And for some reason, I was the designated cook of this sleepover so I cooked some instant Mi Goreng that night hehe. I loved that me and my friends all slept together. It was a nice bonding moment before we all go our separate ways *sobs.

The morning after I cooked us some Spam, eggs, and leftover Mi Goreng, while my other friend bought Pandesal and coffee. Let’s not talk about how we woke up late and didn’t get to go to the gym or swimming because it was already raining so hard :(( I really enjoyed cooking for the people I love. And I loved their pan, it was so nice and nonstick lol. Spam is so good. Spam Spam Spam. We all love Spam. You gotta love Spam.

It was bittersweet when we were going home. I didn’t want this to be over. I was also lowkey scared of commuting alone in Manila >_< But I survived the LRT commute yay! And before I knew it, it’s already August 7, Friday, and the sleepover is nothing but a memory now.

I hate that. Moments I enjoy, moments I want to cherish and live in forever, becoming all but a memory in a span of a few hours.

To all my friends who are going to read this, I love you all so much. I will cherish you all till the day I die. To more hangouts and laughter soon!

May the future be kind to us all.

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The Prompt: How do you see yourself ten years from now? Will you be working here in the Philippines or somewhere else in another part of the world? What factors will influence your decisions regarding your chosen occupation? What decision and steps will you take to achieve your goals?

Future Forward: Beyond Borders
By: Jayduhhh Bee

When people ask me where I see myself ten years from now, I don’t just simply think of my career, I think of the whole life ahead of me. I picture a life I have deliberately built—one shaped by what I’m good at, where my roots lie, and the world I actually have to live in. Ten years from now I see myself as a CPA Lawyer, hopefully working abroad, having taken the steps to get there knowingly, one step at a time.

In a decade, I want to become a Certified Public Accountant and a Lawyer—a CPA Lawyer. It’s a demanding path that combines two professions, but it’s the one that makes the most sense for who I am and what I want out of my career. I don’t see this as two separate goals bolted together; I see it as one identity I’m working toward.

Funnily enough, a lot of people who know me didn’t expect me to want to take this path. Some, if not almost all the people I have known my entire life expected me to want to become a doctor, something related to the medical field (especially since my mother was a doctor herself). While yes, this passion for medicine was true when I was 8 years old, I have simply grown out of it. Instead I found a new passion, a passion for mathematics and law.

I have noticed through my years in the academe, that I clearly have the aptitude for numbers. I have always excelled in the maths subject in school, learning about the way numbers work just came naturally to me. Another reason why I want to pursue accountancy is because my father was an accountant. I was able to catch a glimpse of what accountancy is from the inside, I would see him typing up numbers in Microsoft Excel in our old, small family laptop—all while waiting for him to finish so I could play Bookworm Adventures. At the same time, law has this magnetic pull on me. As shallow as this may sound, I always just liked the thought of being in formal office attire, in a courtroom defending my client. And of course the countless law-related TV shows like Suits, Law and Order, and Extraordinary Attorney Woo inspired me to pursue law, specifically corporate law, as well.

As much as this is about profession, for me, this is about geography as well. I simply don’t see my future unfolding well here in the Philippines. A huge part of this comes down to the state of the motherland itself. The economy has been getting worse, and it’s hard to build long-term plans on grounds that keep shifting from under you. Next, the government—at this rate—is in shambles! Everything is weighed down by corruption—it is difficult to trust that hard work in this country would pay off the way it should.

Beyond economics, I just see myself growing into a better version of myself if I pursue my future abroad. New environments push people to adapt, compete, and improve, the way familiar environments just don’t. And let’s be real here, the pay abroad is quite plainly, better. People exert the same effort, the same skills, and the return is higher. All of these factors put together, this makes working abroad not just appealing, but also the more rational choice for my future.

Of course none of this grandeur happens by accident, people have to work hard to get there. I have thought about the steps that I would need to take in order to get where I want to be. It starts with me completing a college degree in accountancy. Then I would need to qualify for the CPA Board exam. After that I would go to law school and succeed in the BAR exams. Alongside all of these, I want to gain real work experience—whether locally or abroad, to teach myself things that the four walls of a classroom or lecture hall couldn’t. I also intend to research which countries and firms actively hire CPA lawyers, so I’m not just hoping for an opportunity but actually positioning myself for one. If it also helps open doors internationally, I am open to pursuing additional certifications recognized outside the Philippines as well.

Ten years from now, I see myself as a CPA Lawyer working abroad, having built that life through considerate steps instead of chance. It is a vision shaped by what I’m good at, my father’s example, by a dream I have held close to my heart for so long, and by an honest look at the economic and political realities of the country I grew up in. The Philippines shaped who I am—but I believe my future, and my growth, lie beyond it.

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For context lang din, ito yung schedule ko:

Place: MALCOLM HALL (COLLEGE OF LAW)
UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES DILIMAN
DILIMAN, QUEZON CITY

Date: 1 AUGUST 2026 (SATURDAY)

Time: 12:30 PM

MGA PAMAHIIN

Guys… sabi ko sainyo, andami ko ginawang pamahiin. AS IN! Di ako nagbibiro. Parang inaasa ko nalang sa dasal at pamahiin ung resulta ng UPCAT ko HAHA! Eto lahat ng pamahiin na sinunod ko:

1. HINDI nagpa-picture kay OBLE.

   1. Rule #1 na yan guys, for sure lahat kayo alam na yan. Parang lahat na ng pamahiin wag niyo sundin maliban lang diyan. Pero siyempre meron parin akong nakita na todo pose at picture kay oble nung Sabado haha

2. RED RED RED

   1. Nagsuot ako ng RED na PANTY, BRA, SOCKS, AT SHIRT. Pati FACE TOWEL ko red.

3. BARYA LANG PO SA UMAGA

   1. Naglagay ako ng 20 peso coins sa pareho kong sapatos. Kala ko nung una maiirita ako kasi may barya sa sapatos ko. Pero lowkey comforting pa siya. Parang may fidget toy ka sa paa haha.

4. BASBAS LAPIS

   1. Nagpatasa ako ng pencil sa friends ko kasi lahat sila nakapasa ng UPCAT last year

   2. Nagpa-bless din ako ng pencils (and bagong rosary) sa Minor Basilica of Our Lady of the Rosary of Manaoag (tas dumiretso kami Baguio after haha saya)

5. UH-NIBERSIDAD-NG-PILIPINAS!!

   1. sa sobrang pagmamanifest ko, nakabisado ko na ung cheer

   2. Nakaka-hype lang din naman kasi marinig at kantahin ung cheer ng UP

   3. Sobrang ganda pakinggan nakakaiyak sana I’ll earn the right to chant these words please!!!

6. ONCE YOU ENTER THERE’S NO GOING BACK (CHARIZ)

   1. Right foot ang unang itatapak sa testing room

   2. Left foot pag paalis na

   3. Never look back din sa testing room

7. KICK THEM BALLS

   1. Hindi balls ang sisipain

   2. ung upuan. Dahan dahan na sipa lang naman ginawa ko. Baka sipain mo ng malakas ah, di ko na kasalan un,

8. PENCIL DROP NO NO

   1. huwag nang gamitin ang lapis na nahulog na, pero in my case since di naman ako nakahulog ng pencil di ko kailangang gawin. I just kept it in mind.

9. ANO GAGAWIN SA PENCIL AFTER?

   1. Iba iba kasi paniniwala ng tao (especially ng friends ko haha) pagdating sa kung anong gagawin sa pencil mo after the exam.

   2. Sabi ng iba baliin daw, iba i donate, iba naman gamitin for other CETs

   3. Personally, I donated mine. Mayroon din naman kasing nangongolekta ng pencils sa testing hall namin paglabas. And I believe they are going to donate them sa elem or pre-school. Natawa pa nga si ate gurl sakin kasi kiniss ko pa ung pencil ko bago i-donate. I consider this as a good luck charm and pantulong na rin sa mga batang nangangailangan. Besides, I have 11 more unused pencils (which I bought specifically for this year’s CETs season), hindi kawalan sakin ang isang pencil. Sana blessed din ang batang makakakuha ng lapis ko!!

10. PRAY PRAY PRAY

    1. hindi siya pamahiin pero pampalubag loob lang kumbaga

    2. I’m a very religious person din kasi so every challenge I face I bring it up to God.

    3. 2 weeks before the UPCAT nagsimba kami ng tita ko sa Minor Basilica of Our Lady of the Rosary of Manaoag. Doon ako nagpa-bless ng pencils (pati eraser, sharpener, at pencil case) ko at bumili na rin ako ng bagong rosary.

    4. Araw araw akong nagdadasal na sana maipasa ko lahat ng CETs na itetake ko. Natural lang naman na un sakin since ever since bata pa ako everyday na ko nagdarasal.

    5. The Friday before my schedule, dalwang beses akong nakapagdasal ng Holy Rosary bago ang misa. Isa sa bahay at isa naman sa mismong simbahan na since nagdadasal sila ng rosary tuwing bago mag misa. Tapos I also attended Holy Mass at sakto pa at feast day ni St. Ignatius of Loyola nun. Isa isa rin kaming nabasbasan ng relic niya sa noo so I felt really happy and blessed that day.

    6. Nakapag-rosary and dasal din ako sa simbahan sa UP mismo (ung Parish of the Holy Sacrifice) and nabasbasan pa ni father pagkatapos ng binyag na inofficiate niya. This is the day of my UPCAT.

    7. Luckily hindi rin ako sinita na nasakin ang rosary ko while taking the exam. Todo pray din talaga ako every bago magstart ang subtests hanggang sa matapos.

OVERALL EXPERIENCE
(traffic, pila, test permit, etc.)

1. Test Permit

   1. maayos ko naman na download ang test permit ko

   2. problema ko nga lang ay hindi ganun kaganda ung colored ink ng printer namin, nagiging pink ako at pink din ung logo ng UP

   3. nung nagpa-print naman kami sa mall, wala daw silang SHort bond paper, a4 na daw ang closest size

   4. so overthink malala si anteh maloi niyo, nagpaprint nalang ako ng tatlong sheets na a4 tapos nag print nalang din ako sa bahay sa short bond o letter size (kahit na medyo putol and pangit ung quality ng print). Para lang prepared ako just in case hindi tanggapin ung a4

   5. Lucky for me, tinanggap naman siya. WOOOHOOO okay lang na A4 guys HAHAHAH kabado bente pa ko dun.

   6. Akala ko kukunin na nila samin ung permit bago mag exam, kailangan mo pala yun sa exam mismo since may ID Number and PIN na need mo ilagay sa answer sheet. And need mo rin ibigay ung permit mo sa proctor kung iihi ka.

2. Traffic

   1. 12:30 pa naman schedule ko, pero umalis na kami as early as 9:30 AM. 10:00 AM nasa campus na kami

   2. medyo gulat kaming lahat kasi hindi kami na traffic

   3. I had a lot of time to pray and to use the restroom

   4. Ang semblance ng traffic lang for us is yung 11:00 AM na tapos we decided to bring the car na papuntang Malcolm Hall para maihatid ako. Though slow moving, nag flowflow naman ng maayos yung traffic. I think by 11:30 or 11:45 naka pila na ko.

   5. Pag-uwi naman, hindi rin kami na traffic! Sobrang pasasalamat ko talaga kay lord na hindi kami na traffic this UPCAT

3. Pila

   1. I think siguro second batch ako ng mga pumasok sa Malcolm Hall?

   2. Ang bilis lang ng process nila, onting pila lang ginawa ko tas pinapasok na agad kami.

   3. Scan lng ng qr, tapos may pumirma lang ng permit, check ID, pila uli para kung saang room ka, tapos ayun, nakapasok na ko sa testing room ko.

4. Testing Room

   1. shucks ang ganda ng testing room ko

   2. dalawang malaking aircon pa

   3. and I loved my seat so much. Natiempohan ko kasi na doon sa may divider ng room mapuwesto. Sa parang may dingding o wall ako hehe (favorite ko pa naman ang walls or corners). Feel ko tuloy may sariling mundo lang ako.

   4. Tapos ang setup ay dalawa kayo sa isang medyo malaking desk tapos may dalawang upuan. Super comfy din ng upuan

   5. And high ceiling with hanging lights pa siya. WIth a portrait of a man that I don’t recognize sa wall. Sayang bawal magpicture, di ko tuloy ma search kung sino siya

   6. Oh and ground floor lang ako natapat at sakto katabing katabi ng room namin yung CR.

5. Room-mates

   1. Katabi ko pa talaga yung kumain ng Yumburger samin HAHAHAHA natawa lang ako kasi ang funny

   2. Pagdating dun sa pirmahan ng attendance sheet, gulat si bakla puro sila halos 2009 AHAHHAHA I feel so old

   3. Nakipagsalisihan pa ko sa medyo pogi na matangkad na naka sweater na galing Ateneo ata jusq! Yung tipong di namin alam sino ba mauunang dumaan tas sinabi niya pa “Oh you go first.” ACK MEDYO KINILIG SI ANTEH MALOI! Pero medyo pogi lang naman AHHA CHAROT! Buti nalang talaga nag full face make up ako HAHA!

6. Examiner and Proctor

   1. matandang babae at lalaki sila

   2. sobrang bait nila pareho

   3. Na explain naman ng maayos samin nung examiner yung instructions

   4. Pinaka nababaitan ako kay sir proctor ^^ kay sir ako nagpaalam mag-cr eh haha

7. Picnic yarn?

   1. andami kong dinalang pagkain

   2. Meron akong tatlong klase ng gatas, water tumbler, burger king xtra long chicken sandwich, Champolette, 2 granola bars, 2 oat biscuits, Mars bar, Twix, Mentos Air, at Peach mentos na mints.

   3. I literally had a picnic-like bag para sa food ko

   4. Ang nainom at nakain ko lang ay: Moby, Bear Brand gatas, Mars, Mentos Air

   5. yng katabi ko ung may dala ng Yumburger sa buong room haha

8. Ice Cream

   1. ansarap ng mango ice cream sa tapat ng hall paglabas namin.

   2. Nilibre agad ako nila tita ng sorbetes pagkalabas na pagkalabas ko palang HAHA

Overall:

Ang ganda at ang saya ng buong UPCAT na toh, mostly because never ako na stress sa traffic, sa pila, o sa kung anoman. Kahit nung umulan ng malakas, huminto naman siya nung patapos na kami. Thank you, Lord talaga!!!

THE ACTUAL EXAM

I want to start off by saying, IT WASN’T THAT BAD!!! LIKE?! I expected the worse. Kasi all the mock exams and reviewers make it seem so difficult. Talunan parin ako sa Science at Math pero at least di ako naiyak, diba? Di ko sure kung tama ba pagkaka-alala ko sa number of items and time per subtest kasi high ata ako nung nag-exam ako, chariz!

1. Language Proficiency

   1. 75 items for 40 or 45 minutes

   2. eto ata pinaka-forte ko sa lahat ng subtests

   3. I didn’t find it hard pero still intellectually challenging

   4. I think I only skipped 2 or 3 items

   5. I still had like 5 minutes to spare (adrenaline rush malala)

   6. I think if you have just a basic knowledge on the English language kering keri mo sagutan toh. Like ung lang prof sa mga reviewer niyo de hamak, as in DE HAMAK na mas mahirap kaysa sa kung anong lumabas sa mismong UPCAT

   7. ayoko parin pangunahan though, nag overthink parin ako AHAHHAHA sana pasado tho amen!

2. Science

   1. 50 items for 40 or 45 minutes

   2. tawa nalang tayo hahahahahahha

   3. OKAY NAMAN GETS NAMAN ATA????

   4. pero mas madami akong blanko dito, mga 4 or 5 ata?

   5. iba educated guess na medyo bobo guess haha (F U CHEM I HATE U CHEM GRRR)

   6. I had quite a lot of time to spare so umihi ako when I had only 5 items left since bawal na umihi or lumabas pag last 10 minutes na ng subtest.

   7. Ang bilis ko magsagot gago. Nakainom pa ko ng Moby choco milk haha (rinig na rinig bawat higop ko sa straw jusq sorry poes sa mga kasama ko sa room).

   8. ayoko na pagusapan, baka dito pa ko bumaksak, AHHA WAG NAMAN PO SANA!! 🙏🏼

3. Mathematics

   1. 50 items for 60 minutes

   2. again, it wasn’t that bad

   3. thank god for the geometry questions

   4. may blanko parin huhu same as science ata, mga 4 or 5

   5. di ako ganun ka confident dito pero mas confident ako dito kaysa kay Science haha sana gets

   6. I had like 6 minutes to spare maybe? Again, pure adrenaline. Kumain ako ng chocolate (Mars, kasi sabi nila need ko daw ng boost sa reading comp) and I washed it down with full cream milk. Rinig na rinig na naman bawat higop ko jusq day.

4. Reading Comprehension

   1. 80 items for 60 minutes

   2. Nasagutan ko lahat, to my surprise, wala naman ako hinulaan

   3. Sa bilis ko magsagot (tinamaan na ata ako nung chocolate at caramel) I had 10 full minutes to spare pa. Nagulat nalang ako nasa last page na pala ko ng test booklet.

   4. sobrang natakot ako dito since sabi ng friends ko nakulangan daw sila ng oras para dito. As in di na daw nila natapos ung passage and stuff. So I’m grateful na I was able to finish mine with a few minutes to spare pa.

   5. I didn’t do my usual way of answering reading comprehension tests though. AKo kasi I usually skim the questions first before reading the passage. This time kasi parang halos per passage 10 items ung mga tanong.. so feel ko mauubusan talaga ako ng oras if I did that per passage. So I just read the passage first then answered the questions that follow.

   6. Ayun lang di ko alam kung tama ba pagkakaintindi ko nung passages haha

   7. sana pumasa lord pls!!!

Ayun lang naman ata? SAna PUMASA AKO LORD PLSPLSPLSPLSPLS

Nilista ko na rin lahat ng naaalala ko para narin maging reference ni future self ko. “Ah ganun nga pala experience ko nung UPCAT noon…” Sana sa susunod na basahin ko toh, isang Iska na ako. ^^

Padayon, mga Iskolar ng Bayan!

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Place: MALCOLM HALL (COLLEGE OF LAW)
UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES DILIMAN
DILIMAN, QUEZON CITY

Date: 1 AUGUST 2026 (SATURDAY)

Time: 12:30 PM

Let me tell you, the week leading up to this moment was nothing but chaotic. I had multiple mental breakdowns and panic attacks. And for some reason my depression was hitting me hard like a train. I didn’t study, at all. My plan was to stop my modular school work the week leading up to the UPCAT. From Monday to Thursday I will work my ass off reviewing. Then Friday will be my rest day. Instead I cried. I cried. And I cried some more. I couldn’t get myself to study, I was hoping that I can maybe just reread my Maroon Bluebook. But alas! I couldn’t. I just really couldn’t bring myself to study anymore. And in turn, it made my anxiety worse. All the voices in my head keep telling me that I wouldn’t pass. I will fail. It came to a point that I would message some of my friends “Di niyo naman ako i-FO kung di ako makapasa, diba? [You guys wouldn’t end our friendship if I didn’t pass, right?]”. I was that worried.

Thank God for Ate Reg!!! Regine Velasquez you the goat!!! Why? I eventually calmed the fuck down on Thursday. I think at that point I just accepted my fate and just focused on the pre-registration for Miss mam’s FREE CONCERT. Me and my uncle bought Potato Corner and Minute Burger for meryenda. And by 4:30 PM I was already in the SM Tickets site waiting. By (I think?) 5:30 PM I refreshed my Chrome and boom! There was already a waiting time!! All my worries about the UPCAT disappeared. It was replaced by my anxiety over getting the free tickets for the Asia’s Songbird’s concert. And I was the only one in my family to successfully pre-register!!! It all happened so fast. Now I’m just waiting for the email that says I got the tickets.

MARAMING SALAMAT ATE REG!!! Dahil sayo nawala lahat ng pangamba ko para sa UPCAT. Mas importante na sakin ngayon na makakuha ng FREE TICKETS PARA SA FINALE CONCERT MO!!!! PLEASE MUSIC GODS, CONCERT GODS, BIGAY NIYO NA SAKIN ITO!!!!

So that was kind of funny. But I am thankful for that rigorous pre-registration. Because of it, I was in a better disposition days before the UPCAT. The night before my test schedule, we went to Church and attended mass. We got lucky since it was St. Ignatius of Loyola’s feast day and we got blessed by his relic. I prayed the rosary twice that day. I slept like shit that night though.

The morning of, I woke up at 6:30 AM. We left the condo by 9:30 AM and we got to the campus by 10:00 AM. We actually had enough time to visit the Church inside UP (Parish of the Holy Sacrifice) and there was a baptism going on. While a little baby was getting baptized, I prayed the Holy Rosary once more. And then got blessed by the priest afterwards.

By 11:00 AM we circled the oval to get to Malcolm Hall. Traffic (thankfully) was moving, albeit a bit slowly. My aunt and uncle… uhhh…. basta hinatid nila ako sa Malcolm Hall yes sana gets. We took some pictures then I was off. The whole system was actually very simple and fast. Before I know it I was already in my testing room.

The whole UPCAT was such a blur… I think I was running on pure adrenaline while taking the exam.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT DETAILS OF THE UPCAT I’M HERE TO TELL Y’ALL ABOUT HOW THIS UPCAT STOPPED MY OVERTHINKING.

I am generally an overthinker. Ever since I was young I couldn’t decide what I REALLY wanted to be when I grow up. People expected me to want to become a doctor. But when high school rolled in, I realized I didn’t like science all that much. You don’t know how much I dreaded senior high school. I would have to figure out what my strand is going to be, etc. Luckily Kisay already decided that for me in Grade 11—STEM, since that’s all they offered that year. And I’m not gonna lie, it really made me realize that STEM-related career paths weren’t for me. Fast forward to Grade 12, and I had the opportunity to change my strand. I decided on ABM.

But even then, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to become an accountant. I wasn’t sure if I was set on becoming a CPA Lawyer. I was worried that I might regret this decision in the future. I was also worried that I might not even get to my prio course (BS Business Administration and Accountancy) since it is such a quota course and my performance might not be enough. I kept asking for signs. From God, from the universe. Every prayer I asked God for a sign, “What am I really meant to do? What path do you want for me? What direction should I take? I don’t know. Please give me a sign.”

And God really works in mysterious ways. Because I didn’t expect that he will give me a sign on the day of my UPCAT.

Malcolm Hall. My testing center. Beautiful exterior. But an even more beautiful interior. I really took being assigned to Malcolm Hall (College of Law) as a sign that I’m really meant to be a lawyer. I kept praying that it still be my testing center after not showing up for UPCAT 2026 (I had already applied the year before, and even got my test permit. But a lot was going on that year and I eventually decided not to take the UPCAT 2026.) And lucky me!!! It still is! I was so excited to see the inside of UP’s law school…

I was shocked, to say the least. It was stunning. It was everything and more. I was filled with so many emotions at the same time, it was overwhelming. I had tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted to squeal! I wanted to scream! I wanted to hug somebody! It was right then and there that I realized, this is where I’m meant to be. All the overthinking went away. All my doubts and my worries. I made it my goal. I would get into UPD in my priority course and then I would make my way to UP LAE. It is now my goal, my dream, to become a student in that law school. I want to become one of those people who roam the halls of Malcolm Hall.

“The business of a law school is not sufficiently described when you merely say it is to teach law or to make lawyers. It is to teach law in the grand manner, and to make great lawyers.”

— Holmes

I took a deep breath, and I smiled. And I thanked the Lord for showing me a sign. A sign that I have been begging for for years. The wait was worth it. And the timing couldn’t be more excellent. I was showed a sign the day I was taking a test to determine my future.

How can the future look so bright…

Soli Deo gloria.

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Wow, I’m still not used to calling you Jayjay. What a cute little rebranding for your Substack.

Hi, Jada! How are you? Kamusta ka na? I wonder how you’re doing now… how long will it have been when you’re reading this? A year? Maybe two? Will “My Mind and Me” have more subscribers now? Haha I don’t know… I just wanted to write this little “life update” at a very exhausting, confusing, but still quite exhilarating, point in your life.

You just started your little social media rebranding. You literally unfollowed everyone on your main Tiktok account and made it private (sayang mga stranger followers mo dun!), and you blocked quite a number of people (both friends and family huhu) on your private Facebook and Instagram. You’re okay now though. You deemed it for the best to cut some toxic people out of your life (toxic ka na, dadagdag pa ba sila? Hell nah!). So now you’ve been doing some rebranding, a “rebirth” of sorts. You made another PUBLIC Tiktok account (@jayduhhhbee guys follow hehe) and now you have a new SUBSTACK as well!! You have a publication and everything! As of this moment, while writing this, you have 15 subscribers!! Yay! Congrats, girlie pop!

You’re also in the middle of 1st Quarter for the 1st Semester of Grade 12, your last year of senior high! You’re in the full modular modality and your modules so far have been a breeze. You still kind of miss Kisay though. And on Saturday is your UPCAT WAAAAAHHH!! Good luck, bitch. I know you can do it. I hope you pass. Be sure to post an update after a year to see if we made it to our dream universities!! (You’re also in the middle of Ateneo and La Salle applications rn)

Your helix piercing is a huge bump now. It looks scary dude, you should really get that checked out.

Your mental health is… well… I’m not gonna lie it’s getting worse. You’re diagnosed with an extra illness now, bipolar disorder. You’re a triple-BI bitch!!

Bisexual, Bilingual, and Bipolar

You’re also a pre-diabetic and some other illnesses that I forgot the name of. You’re taking a fuck ton of meds now, girl, jeez. But you can still take them big pills in one swallow though (proud of ya bitch).

You’re not with Dr. Chin anymore. You’re with Dr. Dongalio (how ever the fuck you spell her name) now and she’s pretty nice. You’re a little intimidated by her atm but I’m sure it’ll pass (she also gave you this cute journal to fill up, you got acrylic markers cuz of it). You miss Dr. Chin a lot though. She was such a cool and nice doctor (parang tropa tropa lang kasi kayo minsan and I’ve been with her since I was sixteen). You’ll get transferred to another psych once you turn nineteen as well. Sucks to be getting older. Even with your endocrinologist you’re gonna get transferred as well once you turn nineteen (I was really starting to like Dr. Fernandez too, sad).

You’re currently reading The Iliad by Homer. You really loved Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey. You’ve also taken a liking to sentient-object romances (as shown by your Kindle). You’re hoping that you can be more consistent with Substack. You really hope that your publication and community can grow.

GAGO side note: YOU CAN JUSTIFY ON SUSBTACK?????? HOW THE HELL DID I NOT NOTICE THAT BEFORE??????!!!?!?!??!?! WHAT??? I AM GAGGED!!

I think that’s about it…

I just really hope you’re better, a lot better, when you’re reading this in the future. I hope you’re in a better headspace and I hope you’ve achieved (at least some) of your dreams.

Keep dreaming, keep thriving, and keep on believing.

Live, love, write! (and I mean WRITE, WRITE, WRITE!!! and after that, WRITE some more! Tired of writing? then WRITE a lot more!)

Live long and prosper, bitch.

And I know I don’t say this a lot but… I love you.

87000 Jollibee Delivery,

Jayjay/Jada <3

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Sisig
Bakit napakasarap ng sisig
Sinomang magluto ng sisig
Tiyak, masarap parin ito

Ano bang mga pinagsasabi ko?
Gutom lang ba ko?
Kumakain naman ako
Ngayon

Ng sisig
Oo, totoo
Habang sinusulat ko ito
Ako'y sumusubo ng sisig at kanin

Ako'y humihigop rin
Ng Coca-cola 
Grabeng pares yan
Soda at sisig

Aking iniibig
Diba ang gulo ko magsulat
Ng aking mumunting tula
Hayaan mo na, utak ko naman ito

Balik tayo sa sisig
Kahit sa inuman
Ang sarap na pulutan
Kahit tanghalian

Maski hapunan
Ang sarap pagsaluhan
Naririnig mo ang mantika
Sa napakainit na cast-iron plate

Tapos huhulugan ng itlog
Kahit ayaw ng mga Kapampangan
Iyon
Basta ako gusto ko

Paborito ko ang sisig
Sana kayo rin
Mula bata palang
Sisig na yan

Sisig na luto sa bahay
Sisig sa karendirya
Sisig sa mall
Maski frozen sisig

Lahat yan gusto ko
Hindi naman ako 
Mapiling Tao
Di katulad mo

Guys sa totoo lang di ko na alam patutunguhan ng tulang ito…

Sa hanggang diyan nalang muna haha. Sadyang sisig lang talaga laman ng utak ko ngayon sorry.

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10 o'clock pm
The time for me to sleep
I used to have no strict bedtime
But now I do

It's the consequences of my actions
The consequences of my illness
I was angry at my psychiatrist
I was angry at myself

Now I've gotten used to it
It's actually pretty nice
Having a structured sleep schedule
Sleep at this time, wake up at this

It is currently 9:15 pm
I have 45 minutes left
But I don't want to sleep
I don't want this day to end

I don't know what tomorrow brings
I don't know if I want to find out
I don't know if I'm still alive by then
I don't know if I'm still okay

What if I die in my sleep?
I would like that
Shouldn't I?
But

I don't. 
A part of me still wants to live
But what if the universe has other plans
What if

The moment I start living
They pull me out
The moment I yearn for something
Nothingness follows

I don't want to sleep
I am uncertain
I am unsure
I am petrified

Somedays I like sleep
Somedays I pray for no tomorrow
Somedays I wish for nothingness to swallow me whole
Somedays I wish for it all to end

But
Somedays I hate sleep
Somedays I pray for forever
Somedays I wish for everything

I am befuddled
By myself
Something so simple
As life and death

Can cause a whirl
In my insides
My mind
Is racing

I cannot sleep
I will not sleep
I shall not sleep
I must not sleep

As I'm staring at the ceiling
Wondering if I'm
Going to wake up
By tomorrow

The sound of the fan 
Fills my ears
The warmth of my blanket
Wraps around my fingertips

I am slowly coaxed
Into an uncertain slumber
My eyes slowly closing
Darkness engulfs me

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Ang tagal ko nang minimithing makapasok diyan. Pangarap namin yan ng aking nanay (sumalangit nawa). Nakapag-aral naman na ko. Pero sa tingin ko hindi parin yun sapat. Ngayon, limang araw nalang UPCAT na. So mayroon akong apat na araw para mag-aaral at laging bilin na HUWAG NA HUWAG mag-aaral isang araw bago ang UPCAT.

Pero anong ginagawa ko ngayon? Inaatupag ang aking Substack haha. Nagbabasa ng The Iliad kasi kakapanood lang ng The Odyssey kahapon. Ewan ko ba, nawawalan lang ako ng gana mag-aral. Ala-una ng hapon na, kanina pa kong alas-otso ng umaga gising. May na-aral na ba ko? Siyempre wala. Akala ko nga lalo akong sisipagin mag-aral kasi malapit na eh. Alam mo naman, may dugong crammer ako. Pero hindi. Ung utak ko lahat nalang gustong gawin pwera mag-aral.

Sobrang napepressure din ako. As in. Sobra. Grabe.

Ang namayapang nanay ko kasi ay graduate sa UP. Tapos ako naman ay simula pagkabata ay lagi nang inaasahang magaling sa academics. Class valedictorian ako nung elementary, tas laging With High Honors ngayong high school. Ang dami nang expectations sakin ng pamilya ko, pati na rin ng mga kaibigan ko. Lalo na’t halos lahat ng mga kaibigan ko ngayon ay nasa UP na, kung hindi man ay isa sa mga paaralang kabilang sa THE BIG 4.

For context, nagkasakit uli ako (sa utak kasi may saltik ako) noong 1st quarter ng Grade 12. Nung gumaling ako, imbes na bumalik sa pag-aaral ay nagdesisyon akong mag Leave of Absence muna. Next year nalang ako uli papasok. Kaya ayan, napagiwanan ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Ang malala pa, galing ako sa isang science high school… nakakapressure makita na halos lahat ng mga taong kasama mo ng anim na taon ay mag-aaral na sa mga bigating unibersidad ngayon.

Hindi naman ako prinepressure ng ninang ko. Makapasa man o hindi, ay maghahanap kami ng paraan para makapag-kolehiyo ako, anumang unibersidad ang aking papasukin. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko yun. Gusto ko sa kilalang unibersidad ako mag-aaral. Mindset na it’s either BIG 4 or nothing. Grabe na pagmamanifest ko. Anumang papel na makita ko sinusulatan ko ng:

BIG 4 PASSER, FUTURE ISKA, FUTURE ATENEAN, FUTURE LASALLIAN, FUTURE THOMASIAN, PRIO COURSE AND PRIO CAMPUS, UNIBERSIDAD NG PILIPINAS, ATENEO DE MANILA UNIVERSITY, DE LA SALLE UNIVERSITY, UNIVERSITY OF SANTO TOMAS, FAR EASTERN UNIVERSITY, BSBAA CUTIE, ACCOUNTANCY CUTIE, FUTURE KO SA MALCOLM HALL UP COLLEGE OF LAW

Lahat na. Oh diba, pati dito sa artikulong ito nakapag-manifest ako, haha!

Tumatak na kasi sa isip ko, lalo na nung elementary ako, na matalino ako. Magaling ako. Na I shouldn’t settle for anything less. Dream big palagi. Ayoko na muling maulit yung nangyari sakin nung elem, lumabas yung results ng PISAY entrance test at nalaman kong hindi ako nakapasa. Halos lahat ata ng kaklase ko nun reaksyon “Ay di ka nakapasa? Ikaw hindi nakapasa? Hala bakit?” Lalong bumigat pakiramdam ko nun kasi lahat sila inexpect na pasado ako sa dream high school ko. Ako yung top 1 nila nun eh, siyempre may expectations sila para sa akin. Pero nagpapasalamat parin ako sa Diyos na nakapasa ako sa iba kong school na inapplyan nun. Kaya nga science high school parin ako mula Grade 7 to Grade 11 (mahabang kwento kung bakit hanggang grade 11 lang ako dun, next time nalang). Pag naulit ang scenario na yan ngayon college entrance exams… di ko na alam anong gagawin ko.

Grabe yung pressure na nilalagay ko sa sarili kong mga balikat. Pakiramdam ko kasi hindi na ko mamahalin, hindi na ko bibigyang pansin at halaga ng iba kung hindi ako magaling sa acads. Yun lang naman kasi pinanghahawakan ko dati pa. Di naman ako magaling sa sports, sa music, sa arts. Acads lang talaga. Kaya ngayon na unti unti akong dumudulas, ngayon na nawawalan na akong ng inspirasyon at motibasyon para mag-aral ng mabuti, natatakot ako na wala nang maiiwan sa akin. Wala na akong pagkatao. I’m one of the fucking losers now.

Hindi na ko magtataka kung maiiyak nalang ako habang sumasagot ng Language Proficiency sa sabado. Sana hindi, pero… di natin sigurado.

Sana malampasan ko din ito…

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Sad to say na isa ako sa mga taong menor de edad palang eh inaabuso na ang pagyoyosi. 18 palang ako ngayon pero 16 years old ako nung napakilala sakin ang mundo ng usok at bapor.

Nung una patry-try lang. Nakiki-hithit lang ako ng onti, pa video video pa ng pagbuga ng usok. Nagsimula ako sa vape. Takot pa nga ako subukan ung yosi nun kasi baka di ko kayanin yung usok. Hanggang sa ayun, natikman ko na rin ang napaka sarap na lasa ng yosi. Marlboro Blue, to be exact. Naaalala ko di pa ko marunong pumindot nung dot para ma activate yung menthol na lasa. Hanggang sa nasanay na. By the age of 17 I was actively smoking and vaping. Nauubos yung baon kong pera sa school pambili lang ng yosi at vape.

Sa totoo lang, mas gusto ko talaga ang yosi kaysa sa vape. Una, mas mura ang yosi. Isang kaha na less than 200 pesos samantalang mga vape pinakamura na ata 400 pesos. At tsaka may satisfied ako sa yosi. After ng mga dalawa o tatlong stick okay na ko. Di katulad sa vape na hipak ako ng hipak ng walang humpay kasi it never manages to satiate me kahit anong gawin ko. Kahit itodo ko pa yung boost niyan.

Sa totoo lang, ginamit ko ang pagyoyosi para matulungan ako sa mga dinadala ko sa buhay. Sa depression at anxiety disorder ko. Minsan pag punong puno na ko, pupunta lang ako sa smoking area sa condo namin at hihithit. Parang for a short moment, sa bawat inhale at exhale, sa bawat buga ng usok sa aking bibig at ilong, ay gumagaan lahat ng pasan pasan ko sa buhay. At na realize ko din nun na ang sarap sarap mag yosi pagkatapos umiyak. After a long mental breakdown or a panic attack, tas biglang yosi pagkatahan mo, paghupa ng luha mo, jusko lord, best feeling in the world.

Alam ko namang mali ang pagyoyosi. Lalo na siguro para sa akin. Nung bata kasi ako may asthma ako. Sabi ng doktor ko nakalakihan ko na daw ito kaya wala na kong asthma ngayon. Baka lung cancer naman abutin ko pag pinagpatuloy ko ang pagyoyosi. Pero wala akong pake. Isa pa, umiinom ako ng gamot para sa mental illness ko. Mga anti-depressants, anti-psychotics ganun. Bawal na nga ako sa alak, edi malamang bawal din ako sa nicotine, pero again, wala akong pake. Sa sobrang alam kong mali ito, isang napakalaking sekreto ko ang pagyoyosi sa pamilya ko. Jusko baka mapatay nila ako pag nalaman nilang nagyoyosi ako.

Smoking became my best friend. Gumagaan pakiramdam ko pag nagyoyosi ako. Hanggang dun na nga lang yun.

After two years of smoking, isang araw ay gumising nalang ako na nangangati at puro pantal ang katawan. Lumala ito ng sobra sobra to the point na buong katawan ko na puro pantal at namumula at pati mga kamay ko namamaga na sa allergy. Alam kong nanghihinala na nun ung ninang ko. Nagpaparinig na siya na umamin na ko sa kung ano man ang pinaggagagawa ko. Pero tikom ang aking bibig. Hanggang sa dinala ako sa doktor at nagreseta lang naman siya sakin ng gamot. Yun lang ang sinabi niya sa harap ko. Ngunit nakita ko na kinausap ni doktora si ninang ng sila sila lang. Pag-uwi namin nun ay dun na ko umamin na oo, nagyoyosi ako, pero matagal na. At sabi nga sakin ay hindi daw direktang masabi sakin ng doktor na nicotine ang dahil ng malubhang allergic reaction na iyon. Sa buong buhay ko never pa ko nagka allergic reaction. First time ko yun, tangina nga lang sa yosi pa talaga. Allergic ako sa best friend ko.

Grabe ang iniyak ko dahil dito. Grabeng mental breakdown ang inabot ko. Pakiramdam ko kasi walang wala na ako. Yun na nga lang ang bisyo ko tapos hindi pa pwede? Ang sakit, sobrang sakit.

It’s been a month simula ng insidenteng iyan. It’s been a month without smoking. Mahirap, pero kinakaya ko naman. Di parin nawawala yung kagustuhan kong magyosi. Inggit na inggit parin ako sa tuwing nakakakita ako ng nagyoyosi o nagvevape sa labas at sa smoking area sa amin. Miss na miss ko ito lalo na kapag makakalanghap ako ng second-hand smoke. It takes every ounce of my willpower not to ask strangers to give me a stick.

Lagi ko naman toh nakakasabay sa smoking area sa amin, siguro hindi ito tatanggi kapag nanghingi ako.

Hindi madali, pero nakakagulat na hindi rin ito ganun kahirap. Expected ko na magkakaroon ako ng withdrawal symptoms, pero wala naman. Thank you, Lord nalang siguro?

Ang masasabi ko nalang ay “Paalam, best friend. Paalam, pansamantalang lunas sa aking kahirapan. Paalam sa iyong mahalimuyak na amoy. Paalam sa neon orange mong pwet. Paalam sa nguso mong minsay pink o pula mula sa aking lipstick.

Paalam, aking kaibigan.”

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Director: Christopher Nolan

Adapted From: The Odyssey by Homer

Running Time: 2 hours and 52 minutes

Watch Date: July 27, 2026

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

*Note: I have read The Odyssey before back in junior high, I however, have already forgotten so much about it, and therefore expect a review of the film based on the film alone. Do also note that I am not a prolific writer nor am I a film critic. I just write for fun so expect that this review is somewhat, more or less, fun as well lol.

OKAY THE ACTUAL REVIEW:

When I first heard that there was going to be a film adaptation of Homer’s The Odyssey, I was so stoked! I’ve always had this love for Greek Mythology and stories that another on screen adaptation of it was surely one to watch. Then I learned that it was going to be directed by Christopher Nolan… jesus fuck it’s CHRISTOPHER NOLAN?!?!?!? Who wouldn’t want to watch a movie made by Nolan. Then I heard about the cast… whew the fricking cast!!! Now I am such a movie nerd that for every film I watch I make it a point to research about every actor that stood out to me, hence I know a lot of actors, especially in Hollywood. Robert Pattinson, Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Tom Holland, Zendaya, and Lupita Nyong’o were the ones I know were going to be in the movie before I even watched it. And I am such a sucker for star-studded films. So even before I watched the movie I already had such high expectations from it. And I had been looking forward to watching it in the theaters the moment it released here in the Philippines.

I watched The Odyssey yesterday and I was planning on making this review the same day, however we got home at 8pm and I was too busy making this substack account and publication that it was already my bedtime by the time I was done.

Right off the bat, this movie got me hooked!! I was so happy seeing the Trojan Horse in the big screen (yes, ik there have been lots of portrayals of the trojan war in hollywood, for me though, this is the first time I’ve ever watched one in the big screens) and ELLIOT PAGE!!! Waaaaaaaahh!!! I was so happy seeing him there as Sinon!! Elliot did so good!! Fuck the transphobes for saying that he shouldn’t have been in the film. All the actors in the film did so well! Everything was so natural and it genuinely felt like I was in Ithaca with them! Anne Hathaway as Penelope was so mothering yaaassss!! And him and Tom looked so gorg as mother and son!! AND TOM!!! Tom as Telemachus!!! He did so well! And of course our fair lady Zendaya as Athena… she literally exudes the wisdom that is expected of Athena. She has the beauty, grace, wit, and wisdom to successfully portray Athena. And Robert Pattinson makes a really convincing villain here. Robert as Atinous! You really want to rip his head off, that’s how well he portrayed him. And I must say, the casting for young Atinous was spot on as well! It’s really believable that he’s going to grow up as Robert. And I don’t understand the Lupita hate, she did very well as Helen!!! STFU haters bleghhhhh!! She was absolutely stunning and she made every second of her appearance on screen worth it! Like bitch Zeus literally transformed into a swan to trick Leda and Helen and her siblings emerged from eggs… FROM EGGS BITCH. If that can happen, then surely Helen being a person of color can happen too. I hope that people can just focus on the performance rather than the color of a person’s skin. She did well, she did great!! What more can you ask for?

now…. MATT DAMON

MATT DAMON I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

See, I have known Matt Damon ever since I was a kid. I’ve watched a lot of his films growing up, and I’m not going to deny how big of a crush I have on him!! I MEAN IT’S MATT DAMON FUCKERS LIKE— From Good Will Hunting to the Bourne series, bitch I’ve been there! I wasn’t even born yet when those films came out but I love them nonetheless! His performance never fails, like EVER! And he’s just so hot like— He was stunning when he was younger and he’s still stunning now at the age of 55!!!!!!!!

DUDE HIS SHIRTLESS SCENES IN THE ODYSSEY??!?!??! WHY WAS HE SO DELECTABLE SO DELICIOUS SO YUMMY SO— okay tama na. okay awat na ko. I’m good. that’s enough. I need to breathe.

But seriously, Matt’s performance in the whole film is something worth a standing ovation for. For example, his acting in the sirens scene! Wow! Just wow! But of course , it’s Matt Damon, what do you expect?

The way this film was made, the way it was directed, was absolutely pleasing to watch. There was never a dull moment in this film that even after drinking two bottles of water and desperately needing to pee, I simply couldn’t. I couldn’t get my eyes of the screen.

There were also actors that I was surprised to see in The Odyssey. Like Charlize Theron… hello??!?!? why did nobody tell me that she’s gonna portray Calypso like whatttttttt I was so shocked like surprised pikachu face when I saw her there. There’s also Himesh Patel, John Leguizamo, Samantha Morton (from Fantastic Beasts to her as Circe!! DAMN!!), and Will Yun Lee. All of them were fantastic!

The cyclops, hades, sirens, and circe scenes were *chefs kiss

And here’s the deal guys, I cried so much during this film fuckk!!

It really felt like I was there with them, you know? I felt every emotion, every ounce of pain, and I ended up silently bawling my eyes out till the very end. It was kind of like Interstellar (oo another Nolan film) for me. I didn’t expect, like I absolutely did NOT expect to cry at ALL in the films but I did!! I guess my love for greek mythology mixed with the pain from all of them (especially Odysseus, Penelope, Telemachus, Eumaeus, and Sinon) really tugged at my heart. (wow empath yarn? sorry non-filo readers I can’t help but make Filipino references hehe)

I’m sorry if this is not the film review you were expecting, or the film review you needed. These are just my thoughts and feelings and me fangirling over the casting (especially Matt Damon, I love you baby).

I however, will be reading The Iliad and The Odyssey in the next couple days so you can expect a much more detailed review of the film now based on Homer’s original works. Like I will actually prepare for it this time with drafts and everything. Well, I can’t promise anything since I procrastinate a lot and I have college entrance exams coming up… but we’ll see!!

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I’ll make this introduction short and sweet, contrary to the things I want to be posting soon, which are gonna be looooong.

I’m Jada, but you substack peeps can call me “Jay” or “Jayjay”.

I’m an 18 year old student from the Philippines who just wants to write. I’ve never really shared anything I write to the world before but I guess it’s never too late to start.

I’m still learning how this whole substack thing works so bear with me. I am hoping that my posts will start to improve later on though.

Now, what am I going to be posting here? What am I going to be writing? Well I am going to be writing about everything. Everything and anything I want. Whatever suits my fancy at that given moment. It’ll probably range from mini-rants about my life, self-care, and mental health to movie and book reviews. Maybe even poems and short stories… we’ll see.

At the end of the day I just want to have an outlet for this itch in my brain. This itch that pushes me to write, write, write!

I also cross-post on Medium under Jayduhhh Bee.

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