what's eating jbuck?

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3...

Jessica — Tue, 21 Jul 2026 17:44:09 GMT

IT’S A NEW DAWN, IT’S A NEW DAY, IT’S A NEW LIFE FOR MEEE YEAH…

A couple of years ago, my brother and I had an idea to do a short-form video series called 3 Minutes or Less w/ Jess, and I was going to post these videos on IG… but then life happened.

Now we’re here, and I still think about that cool concept of yappin about what I’m reading, watching, and overall seeing… something I first started expressing on Substack 2 years ago.

Let’s see how this audio version works out as a compromise to the original idea.

The recording is short (3 minutes or less, duh), but I wanted to try out another format of sharing my updates on what’s on my TBR (To Be Read), what current TV obsession I have, and what I’m seeing as I reflect on my life and journey in this chapter.

There is definitely more to come, so let me know what you’re reading, watching, and seeing in the comments below :)

XO,

Jess

P.S. If you’re a writer/creative in ATL, join us on Saturdays for Writing Group! Bring anything (including chisme), continue some creative endeavors, and lock in that routine.

Email me if interested <3 JLBuckk@gmail.com

Episode 18: I AM CAPTAIN SAVE A HOE

Mon, 08 Jun 2026 17:08:52 GMT

All I do is cry on this app!

A little over a month ago, my sweet Queenie girl ran away, and to say I was devastated is a severe understatement. I truly felt abandoned by the one relationship I put all of my energy into — taking care of a rescue and giving her a safe home to relax and rehab.

AND REHAB SHE DID.

Throughout the 4 months I had Queenie, she went from being completely reclusive to slowly exploring my space, becoming more comfortable with pets and kisses, and most importantly, I could tell she was coming into herself after being so fearful in the shelter for months.

I was patient with Queenie. She changed her mind a lot about whether to trust me, come close, and explore all the scents of the house. She didn’t know what kisses were, didn’t understand WHY little cat cuddles were soooooooo important (obvi), hated wet cat food/fish treats, had no idea what to do with a mf “cat tree.”

COME TO FIND OUT…

My baby Queenie was always for the streets. After she got out, I spotted her in my backyard and tried to get her to come back inside, but she said nah, baby, IM OUT, and immediately scaled the huge tree in my backyard, jumping on the roof of the shed on the back of my neighbor’s property, and her adventure had begun.

I really went through all the stages of grief during this experience. Feeling very self-critical about what I could’ve done better, or what I did wrong, and wondering why she didn’t want to come home to her princess palace of indoor cat goodies.

It was because she was always meant to be outside and on her own. She could not be confined to the 4 walls of my house! She never wanted to be an inside cat. She was caught and brought to a shelter, her worst nightmare apparently. And I was able to provide her with the oppty to access the outside world again.

So I stopped trying to “catch her.” I recognized my part in her journey back to independence, and in return, Queenie girl says hi once in a while (she’s the neighborhood cat now). She still answers to the name I gave her when I spot her in greeting. I’m sure she’s making sure I know she’s grateful for the time spent getting back to her freedom, but she never comes too close LOL.

NOW THIS MAY BE CONTROVERSIAL…

But I have since adopted a NEW cat… from the same shelter…

I felt ready to try again with a feline friend, but I was so scared to go back to the Atlanta Humane Society because I thought they’d be like, “Girl, why would we give you ANOTHER cat? You couldn’t even keep the first one.”

And my conscience wouldn’t allow me to deceive them, so I told them the whole story of Queenie, nervously waiting their reply, which was, “Oh, that happens… so are you looking to adopt today?”

I TAKE THIS ADOPTION THING SERIOUSLY, OKAY!

So anyways, here’s Penny Lane Buck, aka Penny, aka Pretty Penny, aka “Pretty Penny killed my husband 🫣” - Meredith Grey, aka Penny Proud.

She is a complete 180 from Queenie.

She LOVES all the cat toys, treats, and trees I originally bought (my pockets are thankful they didn’t go to waste), she LOVES to cuddle, she’s NOT scared of Winston, and most importantly, she isn’t trying to escape 🙌🏽

She is a really curious kitty, though, so she likes to be where I am, including when I’m outside smoking, so I bought her a harness/leash so she can chill with me on the porch.

Doesn’t she look cute in purple?

XO,

Jess

P.S. If you’re a writer/creative in ATL, join us on Saturdays for Writing Group! Bring anything (including chisme), continue some creative endeavors, and lock in that routine.

Email me if interested <3 JLBuckk@gmail.com

Episode 17: This entire post I'm just gonna cry

Mon, 27 Apr 2026 16:29:51 GMT

I used to think crying was so annoying. I also thought it meant you were sooooo weak. The act of crying itself was embarrassing to me. Because what the fuck, my eyes are leaking, it’s really hard to stop once you’ve started, people are staring, and now my eyes are gonna be puffy, so more people will know I’ve been crying.

Oh, to be young and embarrassed about everything. 🙄

But the benefits of crying are sooooooo good:

EMOTIONAL RELEASE
EMOTIONAL RELEASE
EMOTIONAL RELEASE
EMOTIONAL RELEASE

……………

EMOTIONAL RELEASE.

Whether it’s sadness, anger, joy, or gratitude, the action of release is elite. Either those bad feelings need to get the fuck out, or happiness has built up so much it has to spill over somehow. Either way, IM A FAN OF CRYING.

Give me ANY reason to allow my eyes to leak for a bit. I’m good for a quick cry in the car, a long cry in the bath, even a public cry if I’m moved. I still don’t love the stares, but when it’s time, it’s time.

Here are some things I regularly cry about:

When love’s timing is wrong. In real life, but mostly in movies and books. I know why they started pumping out rom com after rom com with a happy ending, because we were only getting these high-intensity love stories by famous and revered authors, but they didn’t shy away from love not being enough — they were torturing us! Please give me a happy ending already, they don’t always have to DIE.
When love’s timing matches up PERFECTLY, I LOVE weddings, shouting your love from the rooftops, being proud of your partner, publicly sharing vows in front of the people who have supported you. Bonus points if that love results in a child. I LOVE babies, baby showers, showing up for my nieces and nephews (mostly fake but real where it matters).
In moments of pure joy. My first instinct is to cry because not much could accurately show what it means to me to feel joy and feel it deeply, and to even recognize that it’s joy I am feeling. That’s self-awareness, baby (thank you, therapy).
When I think of my grandmother, Everner Ree Buck. I keep an envelope with her handwriting on my altar, along with a 50th anniversary invitation for her and my grandpa. I think of her often and regularly offer gifts in thanks for her prayers and wisdom. I miss her so, but I also think about how she used to take her teeth out to scare us as kids, but we really got a kick out of it and thought it was so funny. I know she’s in heaven w/ Roland Sr. and that makes me cry with happiness.
When I think about my younger self. It used to be specifically ages 14-18 as those were tough learning years… but now I think of me as a Brownie Girl Scout going “camping” in my friend’s backyard to get that patch. I think of me running around Atlanta, meeting random rappers at Club Opera and Atlantic Station (when it was still NEW NEW). I think about me traveling solo through Latin America, finally leaning into myself and learning who I was as a person for the first time — unguided, unbiased, unpressured, and free to ask WHY? over and over again until I came up with an answer that felt right to me.
When I’m grateful — really feeling grateful and present and balanced and calm. I LOVE to cry to show how grateful I am. It’s not for anyone but myself, of course, but it feels goooood to cry about positive things. So long did I only cry when I was upset or rejected or angry or sad… but there are so many other reasons to cry that have nothing to do with negativity or bad energy.
When I see pets in cute little outfits, but you can tell they LOVE it and it is preferred, not pushed on them by the parent. There’s a lan that loves her fairy wings from a Halloween costume and begs for them to be put on, just for her to stare at herself in the mirror from all angles. First of all, that dog is conscious of seeing her reflection, but the wings bring the diva ANTM out of her, and I love it so much.

On a less dramatic note, I may not cry at all the little things, but there are so many itty-bitty moments that make me smile and really keep me going day by day.

Here are some things that make me smile:

Getting carded (teehee)
Finding a parking spot immediately and it’s free and it’s close to wherever I’m going.
A gooooood glass of Savy B
Girl dinner, specifically meats & cheeses and wine and all the extra shit like honey and olives.
Getting a call from someone I was jussst thinking about.
Beautiful beaches
When you can tell your pet is smiling, that little curve of their mouth
Being brought a delicious iced coffee in bed.
Getting a credit on a bill. Like they say, you’ve overpaid and now have a credit. Thanks for telling me because you didn’t have to, you piece of shit, but thanks.
When Apple Music shuffles to a song I wanted them to play
Fatty tuna, pork belly, whatever delish fat that adds an enormous amount of flavor to a dish but doesn’t make me nauseous.
Carpaccio, burrata
Egg tacos w/ chili oil, truffle hot sauce, and goat cheese (NOMMM)
ICEEEEEEEEEE COLD H2O
Telling people about my substack and them immediately subscribing — yay!
Getting letters from my younger self
Writing letters to my future self
A Spice Girls song coming on
Karaoke where I perform “Bills, Bills, Bills,” “Tiny Dancer,” “Misery Business,” and “International Players Anthem.”
Knowing that a bartender/bouncer fucks with meeeeeee (perks, duh!)

What’s on your list?!

Episode 16:Happy Birthday to Me 🖤

Tue, 14 Apr 2026 13:31:52 GMT

I don’t wanna say much… but if you break down what 37 means…

3+7=10 💎

10= A DIME 🪙

Anyways, I’m 37 today, and feeling like TOP OF THE MF LINE.

Some random things that have made me happy over the last few days:

Handmade candles (I made lavender, eucalyptus, and peppermint this time!)
TJ MAXX - I’m finding more things for Queenie than myself these days, but I love it.
Thai massages
A CRISP DIET COKE FROM THE FRIDGE IN A TALL GLASS OF ICE WITH A STRAW
Shifting perspectives
PEONY SZN 🌸
QUEENIEEEEEEEE MY QUEENIEEEEEE ♥️

OKAY THAT’S IT BYEEEEEEE 😘

Episode 15: Can you do the splits?

Mon, 23 Feb 2026 19:34:55 GMT

Do you ever have an “ah-hah!” moment and then immediately think, “Why tf did it take me so long to come to this realization, you dumb bitch?”… Maybe just me idk.

I started playing sports at age 5, and if you asked ANYBODY, I was the best point guard that YMCA team had ever seen. But I only played basketball a couple of seasons before I was on to the next… soccer. MY LOVE. I adored playing soccer. I was on a team with all my friends, we carpooled, had sleepovers, and traveled for weekend tournaments year-round. Then I got cut from the team because I thought it would be HILARIOUS to goof off during tryouts, thinking there was no way I’d be cut; this was my team!

Anyways, I took that rejection HARD and vowed never to play soccer again (and I didn’t.) Simultaneously, I had been enrolled in Garland’s Track & Field program after finding out I was fast af boiiiiiiii at one of my elementary school’s Field Days. I can see myself muttering under my breath while passing these little white boys, “EAT MY DUST.” So I decided I would focus on that until I hit middle school.

In the years following, I dabbled in all the sports - basketball (again), volleyball, cross country, gymnastics (for 2 weeks), dance (for a summer after I saw Tahj Mowry tap dancing on Smart Guy), tennis (for a summer when my dad thought I could be the next Venus or Serena), softball (for a season), cheerleading (for a season but they always tried to make me a flyer becuase I was small but I didnt trust these girls not to drop me!).

I ended up choosing track & field as my main sport when high school started. It’s what I was naturally best at, and I found joy in performing in individual events. I was a high jumper for a time and pretty good until I just stopped growing, and everyone else did, and could clear the higher bars. I practiced with the hurdlers to get out of running sprints one time and ended up excelling so well at the 300m race that I was on Varisty my entire 4 years of high school.

I knew this made my parents proud, but specifically my dad. He would braggggggggggggggg about me to his co-workers, friends, anyone who would listen, that I was his little track star. Saying I could really take it all the way through college and beyond. I was such a daddy’s girl that I loved how much my dad loved the idea of me surpassing any goal I’d ever thought of when it came to sports, and that fueled me to work harder and continue to make my dad proud.

THEN ONE DAY, MY DAD JUST LEFT US. PACKED UP HIS SHIT AND DIPPED WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE.

My parents had divorced years prior, and my dad bought a house less than 15 minutes away from my childhood home. It was in the same county, and even closer to the high school than my mom’s, so it worked out perfectly that it never disrupted our routine. I’d spend every other weekend, Thurs-Mon at my dad’s house, with my mom’s house being my home base. At some point, my brother lived with my dad full-time, so he only came to mom’s every other weekend as well. We were basically only children in our respective homes, and when we were together, we got on each other’s last mf nerve; typical sibling shit.

Without getting into too much detail, basically, my dad was fleeing from some bad shit he had gotten into, so he had a garage sale one weekend when my brother was at our mom’s house with me. The only reason I found out was that my boyfriend at the time told me on the phone that his aunt had bought my bedroom set, my automatic reaction being, “Uh, that can’t be.” Then he shared the detail that confirmed it was indeed my bedroom set:

I had carved our names into my bedframe (Jess ♥️’s Bruce, JB + BH 4EVA, etc.)

First of all, this is EMBARASSING, because NO ONE WAS EVER SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT, LET ALONE THE PERSON REFERENCED. Second, why would my dad be having a garage sale and not tell us? I thought OH maybe he’s getting us new shit! And it’s a SURPRISE! So I didn’t mention it to anyone because I didn’t want to spoil it.

NOPE, come that next week, my dad had sold all his shit and booked it back to Milwaukee to hide out. He didn’t even tell us until he was already gone.

I WAS DEVASTATED.

AND THEN I BECAME ANGRY.

He made a lot of promises during that first phone call. I was in my junior year of high school. He said he’d come back for my track meets. He said he’d come to the district finals. He said he’d come to the State meet. He said he’d come back for my birthday. He said he would call often. He said he would DEF make it back for my prom (which was also my 18th birthday). He said he’d make it back for graduation, obviously. He said he’d make sure to see me off to college.

HE SAID A LOT OF THINGS.

AND HE LIED ABOUT ALL OF THEM.

So I stopped caring if he’d call. I stopped caring about sports, honestly. I stopped caring about my grades. I stopped caring, period. The last 2 years of high school, I just went on autopilot. Showing up when I was supposed to. Engaging just enough not to raise any cause for concern. I was tired a lot and faked period cramps often, so I could sleep through my classes in the nurse’s office. I still went to homecoming and prom, I celebrated birthdays and lied about staying at friends’ houses so I could go to parties and skip curfew. I still lived my life, but at some point, I stopped caring if my dad showed up, because he had shown that he was no longer reliable.

He went from being my biggest supporter, the person who motivated me to excel, to my greatest effort. The person I trusted to always show up and go hard for me… To someone I brushed off when mentioned. “I don’t know, and I don’t care. Fuck him,” was my usual response.

THE POINT

I never worked out for pleasure. Never for the good of my own health & wellness. I worked out to WIN. To make my dad proud. To do my best at what I easily excelled at, and because it made my dad SO proud. When he left, I lost interest in working out, playing sports, etc.

I did a full 180 when I got to college. Never entered my name into the clearing house because I had no desire to play sports in college. I’d spent the last 13 years training year-round, following strict schedules and routines. In college, I wanted to go to class, come back to my dorm and take a nap, eat as much as I wanted, and then go out with my friends and get drunk and smoke weeeeeeeed.

Sidenote: I didnt start smoking weed until second semester senior year of HS when I knew they weren’t doing anymore surprise drug testing lol. And on my 18th birthday I smoked out of my first gravity bong made of a 2 liter sprite, a bucket and some foil. I was high as a kite chile. What a time.

Even after college, I had long lost the desire to move my body in ways that did not include a dance floor. I absolutely hated running, and I hated lifting heavy weights. I hated how much ab work you had to put in to keep a flat tummy. I hated it all.

BUT THIS PAST OCTOBER, I scared myself into joining a gym and pouring back into myself physically. To be honest, I could feel an oncoming depressive episode, coupled with the impending winter blues, lack of daylight, and cold temperatures, and I started to panic. It felt like I could easily give in to the slump, just give up and let it swallow me whole. But this time felt different than the past. There was a sense of urgency in my spirit to combat this. Kick it into high gear to prevent the SAD. Because if I didn’t, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to crawl my way out of this one. Too much sadness, too much inner turmoil, too much criticism, too much, too much, too much.

So, out of pure fear, I impulsively bought a Pilates membership and started booking classes ahead of time because you were charged a late-cancel/no-show fee if you didn’t cancel at least 12 hrs in advance, and one thing I DESPISE is getting charged late fees. I did enough of that in my 20s, not watching my bank account and getting overdraft fees, late fees on my credit cards, and other bills. They will not get any more money from me!! So I knew this was a motivating factor to make myself go to class.

Four months in, and I have never felt stronger. I feel amazing in my body, and I like the way I look naked. I didn’t start working out because I wanted to lose weight; I started working out because I didn’t want to die. A bonus is that I am back to the bawdy I had in 2019 (IKDR).

But the biggest realization is that somehow, subconsciously, I had connected working out/being active to my relationship with my father. He abandoned me, and so I abandoned sports. There was never another goal besides winning & making my dad proud… until now.

For me, I will continue to move my body. It may not always be pilates, but it will always be some movement that fuels my spirit, my mind, and my body. I am fighting back at the body dysmorphia that lives in all of us, telling it to FUCK OFF just like I did my daddy once upon a time. 😘

AND BY THE END OF THIS YEAR I WILL BE ABLE TO DO THE SPLITS.

XO,

Jess

P.S. If you’re a writer/creative in ATL, join us on Saturdays for Writing Group! Bring anything (including chisme), continue some creative endeavors, and lock in that routine.

Email me if interested <3 JLBuckk@gmail.com

Episode 14: Euphoria comes in many forms

Mon, 02 Feb 2026 21:18:21 GMT

I’m a visual thinker through and through - when I write, I see the scene in my head very clearly, and try to take what I’m seeing and put it on paper in a way that readers will be able to see what I’m seeing, feel what I’m feeling, and cement the backstory to memory because it’s crucial for the plot.

There are few instances where tv films/movies do the book they’re based on justice. More often than not, the film adaptations are horrendous compared to the book; downright disrespectful. I vowed early on in my writing career that if anything I wrote were adapted for the screen, I would be involved every step of the way to make sure it was done RIGHT. *cue Erykah Badu, “I’m sensitive about my sheit.”

But before I dive into my current hyperfixation, here’s some other shit I’m doing.

What I’m Smoking 💨🔥

My brother told me I needed to add this section into rotation, but he doesn’t even read my Substack, so what tf does he know? Exactly.

First off, I want to thank my plug for delivering the loud to my doorstep and keeping me updated on the new strains he has via his IG stories (LOL).

The current lineup is E85 & Blue Frootz… Do these names mean ANYTHING to me? No. But I know they are both Hybrid strains, Indica dominant, and that’s my SWEEEEEEET spot. These nugz are really attractive IMO, a darker mix of greens and purples with a crispyyyyy frost on top that makes them look edible.

Both strains have proven to be a HITTER in the morning and at night, sending me successfully into orbit no matter what I have goin on next, but best believe it makes that next move about 42% more enjoyable, and for that, I say THANK YOU cannabis.

What I’m Watching 📺

Jesus Christ.

We’ve moved past this being a spicy tv show with two VERY hawt actors hooking up on screen in a way that makes my loins YAWN open like a black hole (teehee).

WE‘RE PAST THAT.

I’ve re-watched this series FOUR times now, and while the steamy scenes are STEAMYYYYY, ugh, I’m catching more tiny minute details that strengthen the storyline, plot, character arcs, whatever. I yearn for more detail into their relationship, so of course I have already downloaded the second book in their story, The Long Game, on my Kindle, but I have vowed not to crack it open until I finish my re-read of Throne of Glass for book club.

I need to see how their love is WRITTEN. I need to feel the words floating in my head, connecting, merging, fusing their way to portray every emotion, intention, and act between these two because love is nuanced and complicated and so vulnerable and scary already, then add on societal expectations, gender norms, and misogyny… It’s just a chaotic, emotional mind fuck, and I LOVE IT.

XO,

Jess

P.S. If you’re a writer/creative in ATL, join us on Saturdays for Writing Group! Bring anything (including chisme), continue some creative endeavors, and lock in that routine.

Email me if interested <3 JLBuckk@gmail.com

Episode 13:Confessions of a Former "Chill Girl"

Jessica — Mon, 05 Jan 2026 20:15:31 GMT

I know what you’re here for — confessions. But before we get to that, I’ve FINALLY started reading again, getting out of my funk with a good ole’ romance by one of my favorite authors. Let’s swoon over my current lineup quickly before I spill my guts.

What I’m Reading 📖

Female Fantasy by Iman Hariri-Kia
Found out about this gem on #BookTok, and it took me 2.5 seconds to download it directly to my Kindle. The narrative moves between two worlds — her real life, where relationships never measure up to the fantasy she fell in love with, and the novel itself, featuring a half-mermaid heartthrob who quietly shaped her impossible expectations. Together, the stories blur the line between romance imagined and romance lived.

Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas
This is a re-read, and I have no issues with it! Our book club has focused on fiction and non-fiction/self-help the last couple of months, BUT NOW IT’S TIME FOR FANTASY. I gushed (per usual) about Sarah J. Maas at the last meeting and sold everyone on a badass assassin heroine who finds her will to live a life confidently as she is in her authentic form, beating every man's ass she comes across in the meantime.

Can’t Get Enough by Kennedy Ryan
The romance novel in question that got me out of my slump. Kennedy Ryan is gonna do it EVERY TIME for me. I’ve been following the whole friend group as they find love in this series, and this latest story pulled at my heart (and coochie) the most. One minute we’re getting deep into generational trauma, Dementia, and trust issues, the next we’re being flipped and reversed like a Missy Elliott song. I LOVED IT.

Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros
I’ve been sitting on this one for a while. I read the first two in the series back to backkkkkk and was OBSESSED, but then I had to wait a whole year for the third, and when I finally started it earlier in 2025, I didn’t have the capacity (or attention span) to keep up with all the details, twists, and turns of this massive 800+ page story. I’ve since picked it back up and haven’t had to re-read as many paragraphs as before to retain the info, so I’ll let you know how it goes :)

What I’m Thinking 💭

Who knows when I learned to just “be cool” and not be a bother to others. At some point, I found it was easier not to expect much, so I wouldn’t be disappointed when “they” didn’t deliver. Somehow, this became second nature across all categories: school, relationships, religion, career, self-identity, etc. As long as I managed my expectations, kept them moderately low, and did not think too deeply about it, I was “safe…” or so I thought.

This subject definitely coincides with the suppression I perfected at a young age. No feelings, no expectations, just immediate (or present) vibes and dassit. It sounds so nice, right? Not having to worry about if this person LIKES YOU likes you, because I don’t want them to like me at all! LOL Once you start liking someone, expectations arise, deep conversations about where this is going, sharing feelings, and getting feelings hurt. We begin introducing them to our friends, integrating them into our lives, THINKING about their feelings, CONSIDERING them in our everyday actions, etc.

Sounds like a lot of work, and I know FOR A FACT that regardless of whether you’re introducing them to your friends or family, regardless if y’all see each other 9 days a week, regardless of the endless pillow talkin about the future and plans that include you both, THEY WILL LEAVE YOU IN THE END. Doesn’t matter how much they LIKED you, maybe they even LOVED you, chile! They will still leave, probably abruptly, and without any explanation. 🙃

I wonder where I got this insanely large sense of abandonment from? 🧐

If we haven’t figured it out by now, suppression and having low expectations were my protection from being hurt. They were my weapons to make sure I wasn’t crying over somebody’s dusty ass son (or perfect daughter, bc girls were never the issue). 😘

Instead, that “protection” only stunted my emotional intelligence, communication, problem-solving, and conflict resolution skills. My frontal lobe was actively forming, and I refused to acknowledge that maybe my previous efforts to protect myself were no longer helping me, but holding me back.

Anyways, that was over 10 years ago now, so I can look back and not cringe at it as much, but here are some examples of the “boundaries” meant to protect me:

Do not thirsty text me; I don’t want to hear from you every day.
1. This was TRUE! I did not want to be cupcaking on the phone all day and night, chile, if you tryna link up, SAY THAT or buzz off. BUT I really would say this so they wouldn’t think I was some clingy girl who wanted to be up their ass every day trying to hang out (even though I did and I thought this would make them WANT to hang out with me more… it didn’t).
No serious conversations about our status or intentions; let’s just have a good time.
1. I was like mannnnnn please don’t even fix your mouth to utter the words, “I like you",” I will run away.
I know I’m fine as all hell; you don’t need to give me compliments.
1. Like, I’m too cool to need reassurance, my guy… please, I have a mirror, I know I’m the baddest (realistically, I was looking for non-physical appearance-based validation mostly for men (YUCK🤮) to think I’m cool enough to hang with the guys (again, YUCK🤮).
Do not tell your friends about me; external validation is LAME.
1. Honestly, I lived by this because I was NOT tryna introduce none of these fools to my friend groups because that would mean we were establishing… something… idk but I didn’t want it.
2. I have since found out that I am VERY protective of my circle and generally don’t like ANY type of infiltration because these are MY friends, you don’t matter here. 🥳
Booty calls are chill. I didn’t want you to stay over anyway.
1. It’s MY space, why would a man be here?! I’m not above this, even now LOL.
Don’t tell me you like me, I don’t need reassurance at all!
1. I would immediately distance myself, because WHY would you embarrass me like that LOL I told you explicitly not to say that, now I gotta screen your calls until you give up.
2. I LOVE REASSURANCE NOW! Tell me all your feels - present, past & future about me. Tell me in different accents, in different ways, in different formats, honey. TELL ME!
Dates? No need, let’s just grab something quick on the way to your place.
1. I had one thing on my mind, y’all, and it did not involve making small talk over tapas at 255 on Peters St. Yes, feed me, but let’s not make this a production LOL
2. TODAY, if you ever thought you’d be getting a GLIMPSE of this good pum pum without putting in MAX effort AND THEN SOME, you must still be in ya dreams. But I can certainly turn that vision into a nightmare!

Sincerely, I do apologize to any man I dated between 18-22. I was more AINT SHIT than the niggas, gave them a run for their money, actually! 🤭

But let me also be clear. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE to any man I dated between 24-36. There weren’t many of you, but when I did attempt to dip my toe back in the dating world, I was soooooooooooo picky, and I STILL chose wrong LOL. I wish I were meaner to some of them, actually!

XO,

Jess

P.S. If you’re a writer/creative in ATL, join us on Saturdays for Writing Group! Bring anything (including chisme), continue some creative endeavors, and lock in that routine.

Email me if interested <3 JLBuckk@gmail.com

Episode 12: Searching for Happiness in all the right places

Tue, 02 Dec 2025 19:03:24 GMT

[Begin stream on consciousness]

In hindsight, I know I’ve been happy/ecstatic/content on an unlimited number of occasions, but if you were to ask me straight up, 'Am I happy?' I wouldn’t immediately say yes. In an effort not to respond the way I think someone wants me to, I tend to tell people how I’m really feeling when they ask, because why ask if you don’t want a real answer?!

I say, “I’m alright,” mostly because that’s the closest to the truth. I wish I woke up each morning automatically excited about whatever was to come. Still, my first thoughts are usually filled with a bit of anxiety, worrying about everything I have to do that day, my work responsibilities, and personal tasks I want to complete. And then I have to redirect my mind manually, changing my perception to something more positive and motivating. Otherwise, I’d stay in bed all day, angry at the world (but really angry at myself for an undisclosed reason not even I know).

I go through this cycle of:

1. An anxious thought emerges.
2. I recognize I’m feeling anxious.
3. I assess what I’m anxious about and MAYBE understand why (NOT guaranteed).
4. I find a solution and/or redirect
5. Repeat about 39 times per day.

Luckily, because I am a therapist’s worst self-aware nightmare, I know all the tips and tricks to managing anxiety, and I use them! AND YET! I am still a (pretty) anxious mess day in and day out. I catch it quicker now, and change my perspective just as fast to keep me going for the next hour and a half before the next anxious thought creeps into my mind.

Oh how I love being concious <3

In an effort to combat my anxiety, I have been trying to distract myself with good things, fun things, things that dont make me think too hard, whimsical things… which I have found are really good for my mental health because it keeps me in positive emotions and in harmony with my higher self. So even though I am cursing out my Pilates instructer for this ridiculously difficult pretzel move she wants me to hold, I know I’m pushing myself at the same time in a way I have not enjoyed in forever.

As a true Aries, I don’t like being told what to do, but I will give to that triggering ass experience with a new Psychatrist a couple months ago who told me I needed to get an expenesive gym membership so it would make me go LOL. He was a bitch, but every experience is a lesson to be learned, and that day I learned how to file a formal complaint against a health professional, YAY! I also ended up joining a studio that values (IMO) the act of movement and consistency over focusing on weight loss.

Also, also, I started playing the original Tomb Raider on my Switch which has been so much fun & I finished my FIRST book this year (reading rut champion status). I give it up to Kennedy Ryan for giving me a read that had my heart and pum pum beatin for 325 pages straight.

Guess Who's Back...

Jessica — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 18:02:10 GMT

Greetings Earthlings,

I’ve been in avoidant mode most of this year, attempting to keep my head above water in more than one area of my life, but you wouldnt have guessed it if you saw me…

Because the truth is… I wasn’t even aware I had been in a survival mode of sorts. The survival modes I’m familiar with didn't resemble what I was dealing with, but upon reflection, following one too many triggering events, I received enlightenment and acted accordingly.

I had a BUSY end of summer/beginning of fall. Weddings, birthdays, staycations, pop-ups, and everything in between. It's safe to say I was mentally exhausted after all the celebration and socialization. No regerts, but just tired af… which led to me spiraling on the 5 hr plane ride home - overthinking about non-existent scenarios, being overly self-critical about my current reality, and anticipating a historically low and dark depressive episode that I could feel coming the moment I let my guard down.

Anyways, I basically scared myself into locking in this Winter if only to save myself from a 5150, and immediately set appointments with my psychiatrist, primary care, and therapist, as well as signing up for a Pilates membership and starting a spiritual detox of sorts to get my mind, body, and spirit back on the same page chile.

OMG and you know what happened AS SOON AS I decided to lock tf in? I was invited to a Black writers’ conference, the book club I’m in chose The Let Them Theory as this month’s pick, and people were coming up to ME asking about my writing group, prompting me to start that bitch back up!

Okay that’s my update for now, see yall in a few weeks!

XO,

Jess

P.S. If you’re a writer/creative in ATL, join us on Saturdays for Writing Group! Bring anything (including chisme), continue some creative endeavors, and lock in that routine.

Email me if interested <3 JLBuckk@gmail.com

Episode 11: Champagne and piss water

Jessica — Thu, 13 Feb 2025 17:31:00 GMT

Let me ramble a bit…

What do we think about the term, “fake it ‘till you make it?”

I’m generally butting heads with being so radically positive and “rolling with the punches” to see my manifestations come to fruition, while also viewing my life through an overly critical and realistic lens that both humbles and limits me.

What is possible is endless, but the in-between is such a bitch. 🖕🏽

I created this Joy Jar a couple of years ago that I would write on pieces of paper when good things happened, so when I’m sad, I can dig one out and remember to be grateful for ❤️happier times.

I think I’ve read every entry now and haven’t added to it in months.

But I’ve been RE-learning lately how to stop interrupting the story (my journey) with frustration. Apparently, the ego LOVES to create a story around why things are jacked up, but that just gives it identity and timeline to stick around. YUCK 🤮

I’m creating a block by judging where I am right now because it’s not where I thought I’d be (story of my life). But it’s MY story and it’s beautiful and chaotic and unpredictable and there’s A LOT of time spent “in-between,” which I should be used to by now but am not. My INSISTING that things *should* look like *this* isn’t allowing things to line up as easily because I’m steady complaining about what ISNT happening, instead of being thankful for what IS.

SO… I’m gonna sit back and watch things turn out better than I thought and focus on changing my reaction to what’s happening to be of service to me, not against.

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Jess

P.S. For more deep and reflective thoughts and discussion, follow my girl Lauren Green on IG (or sign up for her Cosmic Baddies Program and learn all things manifestation, astrology, and synchronicity)

P.P.S. support my lil’ newsletter more by subscribing here and forwarding this to a friend who appreciates gifs and deserves a lil break to giggle before returning to the real life simulation.

OR buy me a lil cup o' joe so I can stay awake long enough to keep creating these masterpieces :)

Episode 10: Long time no see

Jessica — Wed, 08 Jan 2025 19:04:29 GMT

Happy New Year my cutie little bbys,

I have been MIA with the newsletter for the better part of 2024, but I felt I didn’t have much to say? Or maybe I had things to share but I didn’t think anyone would really care… but based on the 7ish people who have consistently asked me when I would be publishing again, I figure yall want to read virtually anything I write so here I am :)

Since August of 2023, I’ve been all over the place with my mental health, and as thankful as I am for the WINS I received in 2024 - I got on some new meds, traveled a lot, and made a home of Atlanta (for now) - it was pretty shit too, at least to my standards because I thought I’d have bounced back to a fully stable place by this time, but there’s still some tough learning to do I GUESS. 🙄

It’s an understatement to say that I’m quite literally OVER this period of my life, but I’m trying my best to lean into finding the lesson in everything each time things don’t go my way. But to be perfectly honest, I’m in a solid state of anger right now that I can’t shake, so I’m working on how to exert that anger in a “healthy way.”

There’s a lunar node shift this weekend that I’m going to try and create some space for myself to do a cord-cutting ceremony and release this last bit of resistance I’m feeling with allowing higher powers to do their thing without my input, so hopefully I’ll be in better spirits by the next newsletter!

Here’s to hoping we can all be a little more patient with ourselves as we grow and evolve into our favorite versions on this planet.

Jess

P.S. - Anyone want to go to a rage room with me and break some shit? or road trip to the nearest national park and scream into the abyss?! Apply within. 📧

Episode 9: Remember that time when...

Thu, 09 May 2024 17:24:03 GMT

Last time we talked, I shared a metaphorical breakdown of what it’s like to be 34 using a pretty universal childhood memory, and I was proud of that shit! A lot of y’all resonated with it too which warmed my heart because we are truly in this simulation together!

With the number of thoughts constantly fighting for the #1 spot every day in my brain, it is a true feat when I can creatively articulate my feelings and get them down on paper. I’ll make this intro short because I have another memory I’ve been thinkin’ about and it’s a long one BUT WORTH IT.

Anyways, here’s what I’ve been up to the last 2ish weeks that you may or may not care about, but you’re gonna take the next 5 minutes and read through anyways because it’s what you literally signed up for. 💌

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What I’m Reading 📖

Haven’t read much in the past couple of weeks but I’m still on track to reading 60 books this year :) Below are books #25 and #26!

This Could Be Us by Kennedy Ryan

I discovered Kennedy Ryan from the first book of this series, Before I Let Go, and I’ve been hooked on her romance stories ever since. This Could Be Us follows Soleadad and her 3 daughters as they figure out how to navigate life after their husband/father embezzled $6 million from his job and goes to prison. Then enters the tall, dark, and handsome (think Morris Chestnut chile) forbidden love interest that slowly works his way into her life and turns the heat UP 🌶️🌶️ and blah blah blah they’re soulmates and it’s adorable and the ex-husband is a jealous mess when he gets out of prison but who cares and they live happily ever after YAY! 7/10

7 Days in June by Tia Williams

This was a comfort re-read because it was the book that introduced me to Tia Williams and I feel like she writes specifically FOR ME in every book I read - like she’s in the tiny hidden spaces and crevices of my brain and knows exactly how to emit the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin that keeps hope alive that love exists and we all deserve to experience it. 7 Days in June follows Shane and Eva through a past and present timeline of their love. They had a passionate yet very destructive weeklong whirlwind romance in high school and then didn’t see each other again until 15 years later. As if they were given a second chance, they engage in another super intense week of falling in love all over again, but things are so different now and there are so many unanswered questions that both are scared to know the answers to.

It’s beautiful and raw and real and relatable, but there are themes of drug abuse and self-harm so just a 🚨 trigger warning! 🚨

What I’m Seeing 👀

I’m doing it for the ✨ plot! ✨

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What I’m Thinking 💭

About the first time I ate an edible after moving to California.

This was when weed was still newly legal and you had to have a medical marijuana card to even go into the dispensaries, but you could get that in 20 min. on Venice boardwalk so no biggie.

My friend bought a 420 chocolate bar for us to split - a double entendre, first for obvious reasons, and then the bar had 4.2 grams of THC in it. At the time I didn’t even blink at how dank that made the edible and proceeded to cookie monster my 2.1-gram half and wait for the high to come alive.

AND ALIVE IT MF CAME.

The edible kicked me in the face while we were having lunch at a restaurant, specifically when the waiter brought us the check. I smirked at my friend from across the table because the high was telling me I was on a movie set filming a scene and none of this was real, including the check. I grabbed my debit card and put it down, knowing it wouldn’t really be charged but it was just a prop and this was an indie film with virtually no budget so we were just supposed to use our own items as props. I looked around discreetly and didn’t see any cameras though, but then I remembered the vibe of the film was kinda like The Truman Show, hidden cameras and all that. And because I could not for the life of me remember my lines, I became a master in improv and hoped I was doing a decent enough job to not get fired on my first day.

No one was yelling, “CUT!” so we just got up and went outside, where I so dramatically stepped into the sunlight, letting the golden rays get my good side in case that’s where the cameras were shooting from. A walk down a palm tree-lined street in Venice, CA is already a beautiful vibe, but I was HIGH HIGH okay, so I had given in to the desire to act like I was in a music video and turned on all the aesthetics, from the lil sway of my hips when I walked to the tiny smirk I kept on my face because this was my life and everyone loved my performance because I was receiving NO NOTES okay!

We stopped into a convenience store for cigs and liquids bc *cottonmouth* and by this time my ears were RINGING and my vision was very hazy - like I was lowkey squintin’ to see straight. The edible had taken a bit of a turn from whimsical fun to like, “Is my body shutting down? My heart’s beatin’ a lil fast and I’m sweating, I’m glad there’s A/C in this bitch.” I remember grabbing a drink and bringing it to the front, and when I started to ask for my cigs I sounded hella muted in my ears so I started speaking LOUDER mid-sentence because that just felt right; I was probably yelling by the end idk. But then the cashier had to repeat the total to me like 3 times because every time he opened his mouth it sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher and I started panicking because I thought I had lost the ability to understand words in that instant.

Y,all, the high was judo choppin’ me in the throat - my friend had to pay for me and escort me out before that man cussed me smooth out.

By this time I was straight up not having a good time - everything was too bright, too loud, and yet too muffled at the same time, I was sweating and panicking because I was still on set y’all and I couldn’t remember my lines! I had lost all my confidence in improv once I couldn’t see or hear shit clearly. So, the rest of the walk to the beach was an intense inner spiral that had me rethinking every choice I’d made, including that one time I had the opportunity to skip the 6th grade and go straight to middle school, but my brother bullied me into not going because he said I’d have no friends and it would be so embarrassing for me to be that weird younger kid in the same grade as him so I said nvm.

We finally made it to the beach and I couldn’t even enjoy the calming ocean waters or crisp breeze because internally I was tweakin and externally my eyes were twitchin LOL I decided my best bet would be to sleep this high off so I just laid in the sand with my eyes closed and prayed that once I woke up I wouldn’t be high anymore. Instead, I ended up in that in-between stage of being awake and asleep, tripping BALLS in my own personal hell where the walls were melting and I was floating and falling every which way in a black hole of nothingness FOR-E-VER. The last thing I remember is me screaming into the void, 🗣️ “When will this end?” and this audible voice yelling back, “NEVERRRRRRRR!” 😬

I woke up 2 hours later covered in sand and didn’t look at an edible again for 7 years. K BYE!

Jess

P.S. i love you 💕

OR buy me a lil cup o' joe so I can stay awake long enough to keep creating these masterpieces :)

Episode 8: april flowers, pool days, and lots of smut

Jessica — Fri, 19 Apr 2024 16:56:56 GMT

Something about when April 1st hits, I think my depression is *poof* gone 😅 Or at least she’s taking a lil break so I can enjoy the spring showers, flowers, and celebrations because so many amazing people were born in April! I know someone born on almost every day this month, so my phone is just full of Happy Birthday texts to and from me and mannnn that puts a smile on my face.

In true Aries fashion, and as I directly foreshadowed in my last post, I successfully acted an ass a couple of times the last couple of weeks… in solidarity of my younger self of course! 🤪 Because if it’s warm outside and sunny, I’m showing leg and need to be on a patio sipping a glass of wine STAT.

The only downside is how fucked up my allergies have been. I can literally see the pollen floating in the air, coming in for a direct attack. ALLEGRA SPONSOR ME PLS because I’m poppin those bitches like skittles 🍬

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What I’m Reading 📖

I am not gonna lie to y’all, I’ve been reading A LOT of smut lately and I don’t think I need to go into any more detail about that bc IYKYK. Regardless, I have read some very interesting, romantic, and extremely unhinged stories the last couple of weeks, but I’ll just reference a few and if you really YEARN for more smut excellence, just let me know :)

Restore Me by J.L. Seegars
Ugh, J.L. Seegars takes her timmmmmme building these love stories that just warm my heart. The special attention and care she puts into the character development is unmatched. I’ve noticed that most of her stories do feature some sort of past traumatic element/heavy emotional theme to really pull at your heart strings, but it’s evident as the story progresses, the intentional approach she’s taken to make sure she does justice to the character’s story. Check your trigger warnings, but you’ll enjoy how she rounds out and solidifies the life and love of her characters for sure.

The Sunken City Series by Emma V. R. Noyes
I read this 3 book series in record time because TikTok told me to. It’s YA, so very PG-13 and a good buffer in between the raunchy shit I’ve been ingesting :) It’s like this reverse Little Mermaid sort of plot mixed with a Salvatore brother’s love triangle (if you’re familiar with The Vampire Diaries). One brother is giving golden retriever energy and the other is a brooding asshole but he’s a hottie so we let it slide. Typical badassery on the female main character’s part, and a shitty dad with ulterior motives (triggerrrrrred LOL).

In the Gray by B.B. Reid
*heavy sigh* this fucking book was a RIDE, and I absolutely almost got off that bitch several times, BUT THE SMUT reeled me back in every time chile. I had alternating emotions of love and hate with the main characters. There was the most cringey dialogue that I realized A LOT of booktok actually thought was attractive (I won’t yuck your yum!) and then like… a ridiculous twist that would’ve had me throwing the book at the wall if I wasn’t reading it on my Kindle. Honestly, I am still recommending this because… you just gotta read it for yourself lol I think you all deserve to experience Owen Wray and his many, many talents.

What I’m Seeing 👀

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

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What I’m Thinking 💭

I’ve completed 34 years of life earth side. And what an adventure it has been 💖 🌎

Entering into my 35th year feels like that pool party you went to as a kid and spent the whole day outside, jumping in and out of the water 897437242 times, completely tiring yourself out because why not? You’re diving in the deep end. You’re showing off your perfect form doing hand stands. You’re pushing yourself to hold your breath longer than you ever have. And you feel triumphant when you stay underwater longer than your older brother because FINALLY you've beat him at something.

The hours pass in a blur, until your mom tells you to get out of the pool to eat your sandwich, chips, and Caprisun. You weren’t even hungry until she said something and now all of the sudden, your stomach is touching your back and you can’t get to the table fast enough.

I feel like 34 was me in a state of exhaustion from swimming so long, struggling to get out of the pool, dragging my feet, beach towel soaked because I left it too close to the edge of the pool and Roland’s been doing cannonballs right next to it like an asshole. But I was just trying to get to that frosted glass table with the big umbrella so I could TAKE A BREAKKK and refuel with a classic ham & cheese and cool ranch Doritos.

So now 35 is me plopped down in the chair, in the shade, hair dripping, finally picking up that got damn sandwich with my pruney hands. And that first biiiiiiteeee yooo, that first bite is heaven. I can feel the sustenance making its way down my body to my stomach to thoroughly satiate me. I’m slowly refueled from every crumb, every sip of juice. And now I’m about to go back out there and fuck some shit up. Probably do a backflip off the diving board, which I’ve never done before but I really think I could execute it. At least my brain thinks I can do it and honestly, that’s enough right now.

Idk, hopefully that made sense to someone because I can’t really bother to explain the metaphorical connection. This is all just a big ole brain dump, remember?

Jess

P.S. this is the funniest tiktok i’ve seen all month

OR buy me a lil cup o' joe so I can stay awake long enough to keep creating these masterpieces :)

Episode 7: what else can i do besides have a good time

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 16:12:39 GMT

Lately I’ve been listening to 1 of 3 artists: *NYSYNC, Cleo Sol, and Sunship. So, my moods have essentially been: nostalgic (DESPERATELY awaiting an *NYSNC tour announcement - i have adult money now IM BUYIN THAT TICKET), SAD/Intentional (Cleo’s songs are essentially prayers recorded over r&b beats and give me the reminders I need to keep going), and HIGH energy (90s House music is ✨ elite✨). Between these 3 artists and a medium iced coffee, 2 pumps caramel, 1 pump churro w/ oat milk from Dunkin’, I’ve been in a stable groooooove (haven’t cried depression tears in like a week YAY!).

ALSO, Aries season has begun 🌌 and you know that means I will be acting an absolute FOOL at least thrice over the next month. And then I’ll require a hibernation period to recover from the foolery, but it’s always worth it bc YOLO.

I’ll be 35 in just over 2 weeks and *shocker*, the only thing I want to do is treat myself to some self care. So if anyone wants to contribute to that birthday treattttt, my Venmo is @jbuckk :)

I found this wellness spa that offers salt therapy - basically floating in heavily salted water for 60min. that warms to your body temperature and allows for a nervous system reset - which sounds like the best thing ever invented. And then they recommend a 60min. massage afterwards so I’m just going to spend an afternoon doing a full body reset as I enter my 35th year in this life! What a blessing, truly I could cry.

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What I’m Reading 📖

Court of Night by C.N. Crawford

This is book 3 of 4 in the Shadow Fae series and I’m honestly surprised I made it this far. Most fantasy novels these days contain the same 3 elements: (1) underestimated main female character who doesn’t know the extent of her powers until she meets the (2) broody main male character who is like 500 years old and hates everything, and then they go from (3) enemies to lovers, mostly due to proximity, to fight the true villain - some ancient being that’s come back as part of some prophecy involving the 2 main characters to like, save the world. Unfortunately, there’s not many detail variations I’ve seen authors include to turn the story into something new & captivating - 🗣️ it would be nice if the female main character wasn’t always BARELY (if that) legal, but as I’ve stated before, I’ll always enjoy watching a badass female come into her highest self and knock these misogynistic men down a couple pegs. But I’m not reading that 4th book, sorry.

Laws of Depravity by Eriq La Salle

Did you know Eriq La Salle (🎶 just let your soulllll gloooooww 🎶 jheri curl face ass Darryl Jenks from Coming to America) was also an author?!

Apparently, he beefed up his background in crime fiction directing and executive producing hella episodes of Law & Order and decided to put pen to paper with this debut thriller series. Thriller/Mystery novels aren’t my first pick but when I’m into it IM INTO IT and I was HOOKED on this baby legit from the Prologue. Basically, there’s a serial killer who murders 12 priests every 10 years with some weird religious M.O. but you’re finding out these priests are actually all creeps and someone was just doing the Lord’s work, albeit quite ghastly. So these detectives are trying to find the perp before he finishes his current string of murders. Every chapter ended in the perfect way that had me saying, “okay I’ll read just oneeee more chapter before I pass out,” …and then *2 hours later*

We Hunt the Flame by Hafsah Faizal

I heard about this one on #booktok and immediately went out and bought it! It’s written by a Muslim woman of color, centers around a quest to restore magic, and is set in a world inspired by ancient Arabia. I loved learning more about middle eastern culture, and was quickly obsessed with the Aladdin x Mulan crossover. She’s a Hunter pretending to be a man sent off by the evil Sultan to retrieve a book only she can find that could restore magic. He obviously has ill intent and sends his assassin son to follow and kill her after retrieval. They are ultimately drawn to each other by fate but they FIGHT IT the entire time with this like, intense push & pull/butting heads act because they’re both so strong willed and I enjoyed that so much in place of the normal alternative where she immediately melts for this man because he’s *in my whiniest voice* “so strong and beautiful and omg how did I never realize how gorgeous he was wowww.” 🤩

Anyways it’s a duology so I don’t have to commit to so many more books to get to a complete story YAY!

What I’m Seeing 👀

Sprinnnnngggtimeeee 🎶 in Atlanta means the legs are OUT, including mine 🤭

I’m talking thigh tattoos on display, cut off shorts, crop tops, tanks to show off the arm tats and in general, smiles on faces because it’s not frigid as fuck outside anymore. Springtime is my favorite time of the year, not just because of my birthday, but because it’s the beautiful changing of seasons into regrowth.

Dormant plants come to life, sprouting the most gorgeous leaves in all colors. Jasmine, my favorite natural scent, makes their debut so when I'm strolling through the neighborhood on a sunny afternoon to get my dose of vitamin D and the re-ignition of a will to live, I get the added plus of my nostrils being so wonderfully assaulted with goodness. PRAISE BE.

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What I’m Thinking 💭

I’m currently experiencing what my therapist calls touch/attention deprivation and I didn’t even realize it until I went mixing and mingling recently and came to the glaring realization days later as part of my regularly scheduled shower thoughts.

Dating has been the absolute last thing on my mind the last couple of months and I think that’s increased how oblivious I am when someone is flirting with me LOL it’s been going straight over my head unless they are being VERY forward about it and then that little lightbulb goes off in my head and the internal freak out begins. Now I’m realizing I have been missing out on some potential romantic connections because I have been approaching these situations with such an innocent POV of genuine curiosity and enjoyment to be chatting it up with someone new as I’m becoming reacquainted with this city.

Anyways, I got my head completely GASSED recently and I couldn’t figure out why I was ruminating on the encounter days later when I wasn’t even really attracted to the person. That’s when I realized it truly didn’t matter who was doing the gassing, I was simply craving the feeling of being *desired* in some capacity and chile, that could have been a recipe for disaster if I had given into that need for instant gratification because

*Aries 🤝🏽 impulsive actions*

SO IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE ME OUT JUST GIVE ME A BIG OLE HUG SO I CAN GET MY FIX AND NOT ACCIDENTALLY END UP IN A RELATIONSHIP.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. 🫶🏽

Jess

P.S.

It’s okay it laugh, i promise LOL

OR buy me a lil cup o' joe so I can stay awake long enough to keep creating these masterpieces :)

Episode 6: I CAN SEE THE LIGHT

Jessica — Wed, 13 Mar 2024 16:56:05 GMT

Things that have happened since my last post:

DAYLIGHT SAVINGSSSSSS 📆 ⏰
PISCES NEW MOON 🌑
I STARTED A NEW JOB 💰

So first, I don’t have the accurate words to express how happy I am that we gained an hour of sunlight with the time change this past weekend. My lackluster, pale (yet still melanated) face is excited for longer days and warmer weather. ☀️

Second, Every new moon is an amazing opportunity to spend time reflecting on the things you truly do and don’t want in your life. It’s a time to revisit your intentions, and remind yourself of the things that no longer serve you. And while I’ve done many a new moon ritual, I always come back to the simple act of meditating and journaling.

Quantum leap mediation is my shit because you’re visualizing your highest self, that dream version of yourself, and you’re connecting that to your current self so it no longer feels like something unattainable. It’s no longer something you “wish” for, it’s something that’s well within your grasp. It’s you speaking your biggest desires into existence and stating them in present tense so that you’re actively on the right path, right now.

Journaling is another really powerful manifestation tool because it gives you the opportunity to constantly remind yourself of your feelings, your wants, desires and overall thoughts on your life. I free-write almost every morning to just brain dump all the things stuck in my head so they’re no longer overwhelming, and journaling on a new moon is an added opportunity to dump out your intentions, both short & long term, as well as remind yourself of the things you want to release from your life that might be holding you back.

Last September I looked back on my journaling from the new moon in July 2023 and was reminded that I had already “released” my job and all the stress associated with it. I also released my living situation, being in LA, and control over my future. Less than 3 months later I had quit my job, moved across the country and started this brand new chapter of the unknown (albeit mentally unwell and terrified, but mostly just tired of the direction my life was going so I said FUCK IT, IM OUT).

Lastly, I freelanced for a few months and was quickly reminded of how tough and inconsistent it is, but now I have some steady income in queue and I hope to never go back to freelancing full-time if I can help it! LOL

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What I’m Reading 📖

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling

When the Harry Potter books were in their prime, I wasn’t big on fantasy reading. I think I was actually in my Nancy Drew era, so I never hopped on the bandwagon, but I LOVE the movies! And despite J.K. Rowling being a big ole’ POS, she wrote some really good stories. Also, I’m using the public library’s inventory to acquire this series so I’m not giving her any of my hard earned coins. I do love that while I was experiencing this book for the first time, I was able to see the scenes play out in my head at the same time which made it that much more enjoyable. On to book #2!

A Love Song for Ricki Wilde by Tia Williams

Tiaaaaa, Tia, Tia!!! I just love everything she writes, tbh. Seven Days in June is a top fav of mine (literally swooning still for Shane Hall), and The Perfect Find was just so cheeky and cute and I loved every second of it (the movie did not do it justice AT ALL). I’m so keen on her style of romance writing so I was so excited to read her most recently published book! This story played on the ✨magic✨ that lies within the leap year and the enchanting possibilities that accompany fate. It’s set in modern Harlem and ties in the undeniable black excellence of the 1920’s Renaissance to create a swoon-worthy NYC love story for the ages.

One True Loves by Elise Bryant

Another public library find, this was a little cutesie YA story about a recent high school graduate that goes on a cruise with her family around Europe the summer before college and ends up falling in love with the boy she hated at first (another enemies to lover's trope, MY FAV). But she comes from this family of black excellence and feels this enormous pressure to be perfect and have her whole life planned out before her Freshman year at NYU, so of course she’s also having an existential crisis to figure out what she really wants to do with her life. It’s basically a 12 day coming of age story with backdrops of every romantic European destination and a quickly wrapped up happy ending like you’d see in a romcom right before the credits roll.

What I’m Seeing 👀

Some ridiculous parking rates and I’m ready to fight somebody 😤

I’ve experienced one too many instances with parking structures lately that only offer full day & overnight rates, nothing hourly! And of course I don’t realize this until I’ve already parked 3 floors up after circling the block 9 times with no luck on free street parking. They always trick you with the signage that says like, “FLAT RATE $6” but in fine print it’s only applicable between some minuscule timeframe but WHATEVER I’m still gonna park because how much more expensive could it be? Then I get to the kiosk and it’s a prepaid flat rate of $20 for the day and $40 overnight and I’m actually only going to be parked for 3-4 hours max and then there’s no onsite attendant so I can’t actually punch anybody. 🫠

Me & parking structures right now:

But the best part is when *right on cue* a car leaves a free spot just as I exit the parking structure and I can’t be mad at nobody by myself. 😩

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What I’m Thinking 💭

About my 3 favorite songs that get me out of my head and calm me down/distract me when I’m an anxious mess so I can focus instead of self-sabotaging. Because the self-sabotage is SO EASY, it’s making the effort to change that unhealthy habit that’s difficult. 🗣️ MESSAGE! 🗣️

I listen to these songs before job interviews so I can walk into them with confidence in my abilities instead of psyching myself out prematurely.
I listen to these songs when good things happen because they make me want to dance and CELEBRATE.
I listen to these songs when not so good things happen but I don’t want to get stuck in that spiral because they never cease to make me smile.

These songs have no correlation to each other but have very specific memories attached that I will never forget as long as they exist:

MGMT - Electric Feel
This song brings me back to the prime MJQ days in college where we got cute to go to a dingy underground bar and left with our clothes soaked in sweat from dancing our hearts out on stage as the DJ played nonstop dubstep remixes. 🤘🏽

Jamiroquai - Canned Heat
This was 10 yr old Jessica’s JAM because duh, I wanted to be as cool as my older sister so I listened to what she listened to. Then they used it in the final dance sequence in Center Stage (which I had on VHS and was OBSESSED with), and still never fails to make me wanna boogie.

ODESZA - Say My Name (feat. Zyra)
I “went” to Coachella in like 2014, and by “went” I mean me and a friend drove to the Coachella Valley but didn’t have tickets so we day drank by the pool and then went to all the after parties and this album was THE soundtrack (they also performed this year) all weekend. It was an epic time of 25 yr old Jessica living by the motto, “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” This was also the closest I came to going to Coachella until my brother and I went in 2022!

What’s your “get out of your head” song? I’m always open to new/old/timeless music recs so please share!

Jess

P.S. if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? 💜

OR buy me a lil cup o' joe so I can stay awake long enough to keep creating these masterpieces :)

Episode 5: the feels, The Feels, THE FEEEELS!

Jessica — Tue, 27 Feb 2024 17:06:32 GMT

Last week I celebrated 5 years in therapy. FIVE YEARS! 🥳

Gee, time flies when you’re having deeply vulnerable conversations with a medical professional you pay to listen to you unpack the 20 year old trauma(s) that shaped the way you process, respond, and regulate all the tiny bits of life that make you… you.

So naturally I’ve been reflected on the immense progress I’ve made over the years, and chileeee, if you ever need a helpful exercise to bring you back to a space of gratitude or need something to motivate you to KEEP GOING, just take a second and think about where you were 5 years ago. 📅

Think about how you handled conflict (I was hyper avoidant and stubborn), how you treated yourself (with zero grace, super judgmental, and extremely mean), and how you treated your relationships - platonic, familial, and romantic (I swept so much under the rug, let entirely too much slide, and acted like nothing bothered me, when in fact, I was in a constant state of BOTHER but hated confrontation so me and resentment were bffs).

Maybe even think about where you were career wise (a struggling freelancer, doing every type of side hustle to supplement my writing gigs to make ends meet, but I was making it work & was happy to finally be making money from my writing), or what your relationship with money was like (hatedddd it, loved it, lost sleep over it, and was overall an anxious mess 24/7 bc LA’s cost of living was/is just absurd).

But one aspect of my life that I reflected on most was how I approached religion. 5 years ago I was already knee deep in questioning everything I’d ever been taught about God, but I hadn’t quite figured out how to harmonize my spiritual beliefs with my real life. I often felt like I wasn’t doing enough to be considered a “good Christian,” because what I was reading/learning and what I was seeing were two completely different things. The endless list of unwritten rules of the church was truly crippling for me, and I felt like a traitor for awhile, like I was abandoning God when I sought out other spiritual practices that actually made me feel the peace, agape love and endless potential I had been searching for my entire life.

What I came to realize is that my individual relationship with God is meant to specifically work for ME and no one else and also looks differently than anything I’ve ever personally witnessed, but that’s exactly the point! So through trial and error, and basing what practices I adopted solely on how it made me FEEL in my soul, I’ve found what works for me; what fuels me in an indescribable way to fully believe in myself and my potential, and close that gap between a present me and my highest self. To truly walk by faith and not by sight.

So chile, when I say, “Do you!" I truly mean DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU and be secure in that, and I will do the same.

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What I’m Reading 📖

Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross

I’m a sucker for an enemies to lovers trope, but I also cannot pass up an opportunity to read a book where the characters are writers because RELATABLE. This story centers around 2 rivals who build a love connection through a magical typewriter in the midst of a centuries old war that has just started up again between the gods. It made me want a pen pal and also sign up for the next season of Love is Blind (sike! kinda…)

Daisy Jones & The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I’ve watched the series, which depicts the rise and fall of a 1970s rock band, and Aurora was one of my most listened to albums of 2023, but I put off reading the book simply because I didn’t want it to taint how much I loved the show! (bc it’s no secret that generally, the book is always better than the adaptation). I am happy to report that the book is fantastic and reads like a documentary, showing accurate POVs for everyone involved, and builds the dramatics intensely, just like the show. I’m happy I finally got around to reading!

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Miss Sylvia here writes about the quickly deteriorating mental state of Esther in such a way that made me realize… it doesn’t take as much as I thought to go fucking crazy when you feel like your life isn’t “going according to plan,” especially as a woman rejecting societal norms in the early 1960s. The first-person narrative provides such vivid depictions of her hallucinations, memories and true desires, all of which ultimately land her in an insane asylum and subjected to some very taboo and outdated treatments and medications. It’s said that this book is semi-biographical, as it parallels Plath’s experiences, making it a little dark but also showcases Plath’s humor in the midst of her mental breakdown, something I can relate to firsthand.

What I’m Seeing 👀

So I’m minding my own business, just going to the Powder Springs Public Library, business as usual, and as I make my way to the tables in the back, I see this man that cannot possibly be THE LeVar Burton, but got damn it, it was definitely his doppelgänger. And we’re not talking like he had similar features as Star Trek’s own, I literally pulled up LeVar Burton on Google Images and secretly compared this complete stranger sitting across from me and PLEASEEEEE, he had the same build, the same hairline, THE SAME lil salt and pepper mustache/goatee thing Kunta Kinte is currently rockin!

Of course I knew it wasn’t really LeVar Burton, but how amazing would the circumstances be to randomly meet MR. READING RAINBOW at no place other than THE PUBLIC LIBRARY. 🥹🌈📚

You already know I asked that man if he was often mistaken for LeVar, and he really said ALL THE TIME. So I’m not crazy, I just have some childhood life goals to achieve and I’m now realizing that meeting the real LeVar Burton is up there on the list.

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What I’m Thinking 💭

I’ve had this really crazy desire to go to the mall lately, but I absolutely hate the mall, I hate it very much. It’s crowded and loud and very overstimulating because there’s way too much to browse through and those people at the kiosks are always trying to straighten your hair or convince you to buy some shitty jewelry they claim looks great on you or a phone case with dangly light up charms that doubles as a fidget spinner and 🗣️ ON SALE FOR TODAY ONLY!

I didn’t always despise the mall, my first job was at the mall actually, but I was 16 and welcomed any excuse to not be at home so the mall was my favorite place to be as an adolescent. There was nothing better that spending a Saturday afternoon with friends roaming aimlessly through Spencer’s Gifts, Hot Topic, Bath & Body Works, Abercrombie and American Eagle for hours just to leave with the smallest bag from Victoria’s Secret because I HAD to buy *something* and if any cute boys saw me walking by they’d think I’d bought sexy underwear when in reality it was a travel sized body mist or some flavored lip gloss that was on sale because I only had $20.

Anyways I’m not 16 anymore and going to the mall sounds like my own personal hell, even if I’m guaranteed an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and some Dippin’ Dots. One time I wanted to go to TJ Maxx and my GPS brought me to a location that was IN the mall and I turned right around and found another one to go to because hell nah. 🫠

Jess

P.S. Life is so much better when you stop hyper analyzing yourself and realize you can’t hate yourself into being better, you just have to accept that you’re a little weird and fucked up but that’s more than enough reason to keep living.

I’m rooting for you ✨

P.P.S. support my lil’ newsletter more by forwarding this to a friend who appreciates gifs and deserves a lil break to giggle before returning to the real life simulation.

Episode 4: Synchronized manifestation is pretty tight

Jessica — Tue, 13 Feb 2024 17:23:19 GMT

IT’S BLACK HISTORY MONTH, IF YOU’RE NOT BLACK, GIVE SOMEBODY BLACK $100 RIGHT NOW ✊🏽

It might be the shortest month of the year, but it’s been a good month to restart my habit tracking and consistency, bc routine - any sort of familiarity day to day - exponentially aids in my mental stability, which in turn, makes it a GOOD DAY.

I’ve had a couple good days lately, and one thing that’s been consistent through this whole transition is continuing to be okay with not knowing shit about what’s going on right now. Much easier said than done, but I’ve felt a few very significant moments of being completely content with the present, a pause in time if you will, recognizing who I am in this moment; where I am in this moment.

These are really blissful and overwhelming experiences, usually accompanied with tears of joy, and I’m trying to position myself to recognize them more often, because inevitably my brain ends that blissful pause and the thoughts begin to swirl once again in overdrive. It kind of feels like when I dissociate and *snap* back into reality, but I don’t feel like I’ve missed or lost a chunk of time, it feels like I’ve taken the moment in its entirety and given it its well deserved appreciation.

A standing ovation for the present, because not focusing anymore on what used to be is the new mantra. The right now is blessed, and right now, I am closer to my wildest dreams than I’ve ever been before. I’m in the midst of creating the most wonderful life for myself, and that deserves a fucking STANDING OVATION!

I created a vision board for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago and when I first made it, everything seemed so far fetched… I almost took some shit off that thang because I didn’t want to set myself up for failure. But we’re only a month and some change into 2024 and absolutely ZERO of my aspirations for this year feel unattainable now.

I think this is the starting point, believing it all possible to achieve and positioning yourself in a way that welcomes success with open arms, even before it's manifested. Because everything I desire is on its way, the goals are in process to be met, the wheels are already in motion bby, I’m just along for the ride ready to receive :)

Anyways, here’s what I’ve been up to the last 4ish weeks (sorry, I’m hella late) that you may or may not care about, but you’re gonna take the next 3 minutes and read through anyways because it’s what you literally signed up for. 💌

What I’m Reading 📖

WHEW CHILE, I’VE BEEN BUSY! I don’t praise many white authors because there’s a different level of mediocrity when it comes to the quality of books out on the shelves vs what’s popular or successful, BUT SARAH J MAAS? Hmph, the same author of my favorite fantasy series ACOTAR (which I literally just re-read because it’s my comfort read), just published book #3 of her newest series, House of Flame and Shadow and it’s *chefs kiss*

I read this one on my Kindle, which I’ve come to realize I read much faster on for some reason, but got damn it this book is THIQUE. I just finished and it was 26 glorious hours of magical creatures (fae, angels, demons, wolves, etc.) magic, love, disaster, risk, and a VERY complicated and fucked up history that’s been re-spun in favor of the oppressors (sounds hella familiar, huh?) 🙄

While Sarah could definitely work on her POC representation in major story arcs, I’ll always be a fan of a misunderstood heroine that turns out to be so fucking badass it makes these patriarchal pieces of shit QUAKEEEEE in their ugly ass boots when they realize they’ve underestimated her. THE TEA IS SWEET AND PIPING HOT. ☕️

What I’m Seeing 👀

Coffee shop bulletin boards overfilled with postings for local farmer’s markets, small business services, holiday events, and group meetups, but it’s all… MEH.

I’ve joined and dropped out of a couple of book clubs once I realized my reading pace didn’t quite align, but I have been craving some sense of community in the writer’s realm. I want a place where I can workshop some of my stuff, but also indulge in some creative free writing to clear my brain of the fog. Chit chat about our writing processes, but also everyday real world tings that inadvertently move the journey along.

So I’m starting my own writing club :)

If you feel like you could benefit from a little creative writing downtime (which is really good for your brain, anxiety & self awareness) please join! If you feel like meeting some new, like-minded people who desire creative output, please sign up here!

I’m excited to connect and experience some community healing flow freely, one prompt at a time.

What I’m Thinking 💭

The shit I post online is just the highlight reel of my little life. It’s exactly what I want to share, and I rarely have any regrettable feels when going into detail about certain topics that other people might think is something they’d never think to divulge, and that’s okay! We are all living out our own romcom, drama or documentary and in whatever way you feel it best to express your life outwardly is totally up to you.

Something about my little life just feels like it needs to be shared, in one capacity or another. I experience a lot of intense emotions that change quickly and present as erratic at times, so the highs and lows are interchangeable on any given day. If I’d known the way my brain functions was something normal and manageable when I was younger, I might not have suppressed so much of myself throughout the years out of fear of being a burden. To know I am not alone in this mental health journey, albeit a cool 20ish years after I first started presenting symptoms, brings me a certain level of peace that makes continuing this little life not as daunting - like it’s worth it.

And in these moments of clarity are when I feel JOY in its purest form. In these moments, I am thankful for everything that’s happened TO me and FOR me all my life, to bring me to this exact blip in time. In these moments, I hold an immense amount of gratitude for God allowing me to see through the fog and spot future me shining like an absolute star. 💫

So I’m going to continue to share and be open and vulnerable and brave and outspoken and fearless and LOUD. I have so much to say, so much to give, so much to offer. Thank you so much for being here with me as the puzzle pieces fall into place.

Jess

Episode 3: Just DO IT, be well, and rest.

Jessica — Fri, 19 Jan 2024 17:49:16 GMT

BITCH IT’S COLD AF OUTSIDE. 23 degrees rn to be exact. YIKES.

As I weather through this “winter storm” in ATL, I am thankful I at least have the coziest of cozy clothes to cover my body. Most of which I was rarely able to wear in LA because it just doesn’t get cold LIKE THAT. I’ve especially loved being able to layer my Mifland reversible bomber jacket that always serves FASHUN, comfort and cozy vibezzzzz. 💅

Yes, that was a plug bc I’ll forever support Tobe and all things Mifland THANK YOU AND YOU’RE WELCOME.

I can’t lie though, Winter is depressing af. I’m already clinically depressed, but adding in freezing temperatures and a lack of sunlight after 4pm just takes that internal sadness to the next level.

BUT WE MANAGE, WANNA KNOW HOW?

We cry, LOL. And then after we cry, we treat ourself to something nice, like a longgggg, hot bath, a glass (or 2) of wine, and a bag of mini Reese’s cups BC WE DESERVE IT. 🥹

We also confide in our friends. We may think that they don’t want to be bothered with our unstable roller coaster of emotions, and maybe sometimes they don’t actually have the capacity for it, but for the most part, THEY WANT YOU TO SHARE WHAT'S GOIN ON BC THEY CARE ABOUT YOU, DUMDUM!

Crazy, right? 🤯

Every baddie who’s a saddie has a small circle of friends they can trust with their emotions because we take turns being the saddie who needs to vent. One day it’s me, and the next it’s her, and then it’s time for him to share some hard truths. And we all just keep that sacred space open for whenever someone needs to vent bc without a safe space to share, we keep things cooped up inside and that’s just not the healthy vibe for that lil tinker of yours.

Take care of your tinker (🧠) and talk to your friends! And journal, definitely journal. Get those thoughts out, take your medication, move your body, take a nap, prioritize your self-care and by all means, FUCK THAT JOB! 🙃

(Bc from experience, they will never care about your well being more than the money and they will happily suck you dry past the point of burnout and then act surprised and even offended when you quit bc they thought “we were more than just a team, we were family”). *BIG MF EYE ROLL*

Anyways, here’s what I’ve been up to the last 2ish weeks that you may or may not care about, but you’re gonna take the next 3 minutes and read through anyways because it’s what you literally signed up for. 💌

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What I’m Reading 📖

I’m not gonna hold y’all, this got damn book had me cheesin’ in anticipation the whole way through. Josie (IMO) did a really tasteful and respectable service to the whole “I fell in love with my BFFs boyfriend” trope. It was JUSTTTT dramatic enough but also realistic as it spans over the course of like a decade from 2008-2017. Reese Witherspoon praised it saying, “Get ready to be swept up in a whirlwind romance. It absolutely charmed me.” She wasn’t lying! 🧑🏻‍❤️‍🧑🏼

This was the perfect feel good, early 2000s nostalgic, “coming of age” story - and my first new read of 2024! I consider this to be a coming of age story because I personally consider the years that I “grew up” to be my college years and early 20s, so many a detail hit home for me as they navigated first jobs out of college, apartments, trying to break into their desired industries, adult dating, etc.

PLUS, IT’S SET IN LONDON SO I READ THE ENTIRE BOOK IN A BRITISH ACCENT WHICH UPPED MY LOVE FOR IT BY 37% AT LEAST. Think Love Rosie, My Best Friend’s Wedding, and Something Borrowed all in one.

UGH, SO CUTE!🫶🏽

What I’m Seeing 👀

I joined a new co-working space out here, Switchyards, and the vibe is just… *chef’s kiss*

There’s 13 locations in the city and you have access to all of them with your membership, but the atmosphere is like a mini WeWork, with a vintage feel as they’re all placed inside other older buildings that have been around for decades. The repurposing of existing real estate is really cool, and the crowd that I’ve seen take advantage of the CHEAP AF membership (only $100/month!) is pretty motivating because I can tell a lot of them are working on passion projects, trying to get things off the ground, while others are working their regular 9-5 remote positions, and I’m over here working on a novel, a newsletter, and various freelance projects - no day is the same.

I’m checking out a bunch of locations to see which I like best (Cabbagetown’s location is fav so far), but when i say we got some good looking people up in these spots 👀

… Lemme focus on the task at hand and mind my business BUT just know I SEE YOU CUTIE 💕 (and those bangs really suit you 🫠).

What I’m Thinking 💭

I just have to keep going. I won’t give up. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

It’s been close to 5 months since I had a full-time, salaried position and a little under 2 months since I’ve placed myself back in the work field looking for freelance opportunities, working on my passion projects and being hella picky when applying to full-time jobs bc I refuse to repeat the last 4 years in corporate America. I’ve made the necessary decision to do things differently so my higher self can absolutely FLOURISH and I refuse to compromise my mental well being for a check - but when I tell you it’s HARD not to?!

My brain has absolutely been programmed to give my all to a job. To do what I’m asked and then offer to do some more so I can seem invaluable and hopefully get a raise or promotion. I’ve been programmed to work outside of normal hours without complaint, stretch myself thin, work through lunch, work weekends, volunteer to lead groups & initiatives I’m not being paid additional for to be seen as a “team player,” and then give some more even after I feel burnt out, all with a smile on my face because I’m also the personality hire (masking at work is my speciality) and can never look like I’m having an off day for fear of coming off like I have an attitude, YAY!

So now I’m looking at these opportunities online, I’m reading between the linessssss of these job descriptions and recognizing that by applying to about 98% of these jobs, I would be placing myself right back in the same position I was before, and I’d rather chew on rusted nails in low rise jeans while a bunch of Gen A tweens roast me in a the middle of a trashed Sephora (their doing) than subject myself to that again.

Contrary to popular belief, there are no instructions when you decide to bet on yourself. No manual giving you step-by-step instructions on how to FOR SURE make your dreams come true. Everything is just trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. And then hopefully one day all that trial turns into success and then you go back to trial something else to add on to that success.

Shit, IDK. I’m just going to continue to making an effort to write, read, and research every day to build that consistency and pray it pays off (it will).

Jess

P.S. Are you searching for your dream life, or are you creating it?

Episode 2: COZY reflections

Thu, 04 Jan 2024 17:13:16 GMT

We are just shy of 48 hours into 2024 as I write this and 47 of those hours have been spent with my mind stuck in an existential crisis so consuming I’m about ready to shave my mf head just to feel some stimulating relief. This is not how I pictured 2024 starting out, but it is what it is. 🫠

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I keep waking up and doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, each day, even if that’s just journal and cry. Because I’m gonna release some emotions one way or another.

I haven’t the slightest clue how I will achieve any of the goals I set out to complete this year, but I’m confident I will figure it out, even if I doubt myself sometimes in the process.

I spent the last 4 years receiving a paycheck every other Friday like clockwork, plus benefits & PTO and now I have none of those things and every day I fight with myself on if I should just suck it up and go back to corporate America or keep fighting for my freedom. Capitalism really did a number on me and I’d like to speak to a manager and punch him so hard in his throat he swallows his Adam’s apple. 👊🏽

I pray my mental health improves overnight because the last 5 months have hit me hard and I constantly wonder if I’ve simultaneously taken 97 steps backwards while also coming more into alignment with my higher self to make my dreams a reality. It’s really bizarre how you can feel motivated and SO SURE of yourself while also feeling like a complete fuck up that’s old enough to know better.

Remember that scene in The Fifth Element when Leeloo is learning about the three whole centuries of life she’s missed and the tv screen is just jumping from news clip to news clip to news clip every millisecond? That’s how I picture my brain trying to function and catalog all my thoughts, taking up space in every crevice. It’s shoulder to shoulder in there like you’re at The ACE Hotel on NYE trying to get the bartenders attention.

Which reminds me of this one time I was on mushrooms and I felt like all 85743993857398573305 thoughts constantly swirling in my head that are usually fighting for that front row center seat to be focused on were actually able to freely live out their processes at the exact same time and my brain was able to compute each one in its entirety and I thought that was one of the most freeing experiences of my life because no one was overshadowed, everyone got their chance to speak and my brain for once didn’t feel like it was about to explode from too much thinking.

Maybe I should micro dose more. 🍄

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What I’m Reading 📖

Quite frankly thanks to my crippling anxiety lately I cannot muster up the energy to read anything new at the moment, so it’s been the ACOTAR series (specifically books #2 & #5) for the 107th time because I already know and LOVE the storylines, the intense love, magic, badass main characters, fine ass Rhysand and his beautiful portrayal of a “dark” character that changed my entire perspective on what it meant to have darkness inside of you and how it does not always directly correlate to negativity, evil or destruction.

This is also one of my go-to book series recommendations for those just getting into fantasy so if you want a nice lil rollercoaster of a story filled with magic in a shiny new world, war, mediocre men in power being humbled by badass heroines, intense love connections that will potentially ruin any chance at love IRL because nothing will EVER compare, and a lil smut 🌶️ to really get that heart rate going, pick up A Court of Thorns and Roses and thank me later.

What I’m Seeing 👀

The ass crack of my next door neighbor’s grown ass bf doin donuts on her (young) son’s motor bike around the backyard. *cue shake them dreads* bc them thangs was really blowin’ in the wind. I was on my way out and by the time I’d reversed out the garage I saw him flyingggg out the side gate and into the neighborhood like he was about to do his rounds. I guess a lil joyride never hurt nobody but I’m not sure the rest of the neighborhood signed up to see that much ass crack on Christmas morning, which begs the question, y’all niggas aint feelin that breeze?! Or are your cheeks practically glued shut bc we’re not wiping properly?!

Lemme mind the business that pays me.

What I’m Thinking 💭

About my bootleg Bradley Cooper missed connection circa 2016.

This one time I had jury duty for a DUI case that ended up lasting almost two weeks, which was like vacation for me because I didn’t have to report to a job I absolutely loathed and I still got paid. Plus, court hours were way better than regular job hours - I didn’t have to report until 9am. Court started at like 930. We broke for a long ass lunch at 1130. Came back at like 130pm and then all proceedings halted at like 4pm every day.

No wonder it took 10 full days to get through the case.

Anyways a couple of the jurors got close-ish over the next two weeks, in particular me and this cutie that favored Bradley Cooper if he was playing a car salesman in a movie… because the guy was a car salesmen IRL. We spent lunch together a couple of times and on the last day went out for drinks after with a few other jurors. It was chill, but him and I stayed longer just talking and he was just really cool, super funny and easy to get along with. I didn’t think anything of it until he asked for my number at the end because he wanted to take me outtttt on a date (…okay confident yt king!) I hadn’t thought I’d given off any flirty vibes, I just know how to hold a convo and at the time I was dating someone who deserved absolutely ZERO loyalty since he could barely verbalize the words, “we’re dating…” out loud, BUT I DIGRESS.

NOT MY BEST SELF OKAY but I was in a glorified 7 month situationship before the term situationship was even invented (YUCK)🤮. Out of respect for a guy who deserved none, I declined his offer to take me out and we parted ways, never to see or speak to each other again.

About 3 days later my situationship was blown to bits at my favorite neighborhood bar and I immediately cursed myself 1) for not giving bootleg Bradley Cooper my digits, and 2) because it would be 2 months before I could stomach showing face in my Ktown “Cheers” again out of pure embarrassment.

Anyways I saw someone last week who could pass as Bradley Cooper’s doppelgänger and this missed connection came to the front of my memory as a refreshing reminder to 1) don’t date people who aren’t 100% into you and 2) always give the Bradley Cooper looking guy your number.

How adorable would our jury duty meet cute/missed connection have been for a How I Met Your Mother-esque (sans kids) storyyyy?!?! 😩

I wonder what bootleg Bradley Cooper is doing rn… probably just looking fine (hopefully he’s aging well).

XO
Buck.

P.S. AINT IT FUN? Living in the real world?

Episode 1: Library books, country music & passports

Jessica — Fri, 15 Dec 2023 19:27:27 GMT

🗣️ ICYMI: I moved to Atlanta last month after living in Los Angeles for 12 years. I grew up in the south, the suburbs of Dallas, Texas to be exact, so moving back to a southern state didn’t feel like it’d be much of a culture shock… but chileeeeeeeee! Their love for the confederate flag is truly an entire personality and I’ve seen one too many flags hung outside a rebel shop, house, AND CHURCH okay? Safe to say, the spidey senses are on HIGH alert as I get re-acclimated to my current surroundings and best believe I won’t be stopping at any cutesie road side homemade jam or fruit stands anytime soon even though it’s my favorite thinggggg. 😔

One place I have found comfort in re-visiting is somewhere I frequented as a child and always felt safe in, the public library. Something about checking out a book that has been in so many other hands, read by so many other eyes and handled with care by the lovely and skilled Librarians - side note: did you know Librarians have to obtain a Master’s degree? - gives me the utmost nostalgic feeeeeels. And the smell! Ugh, I love the smell of old books, please refrain from sharing your thoughts on that okay, it is what it is.

I used to go to the library regularly in LA around 2018/2019 when I was freelancing, just to switch up the atmosphere, but one time there was this old guy straight up watching porn on his computer at a table full of other people doing their own thing and I just… *heavy sigh*

I’m still not over it.

Anyways, here’s what I’ve been up to the last 2 weeks that you may or may not care about, but you’re gonna take the next 3 minutes and read through anyways because it’s what you literally signed up for. 💌

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What I’m Reading 📖

I’ve read 41 books this year, 11 more than I originally set a goal for, and believe I’ll have read at least 3 more books by Dec. 31st. I generally swap through a fantasy series, a feel good romance, and then some kind of mind fuck sci-fi novel that makes me want to be a better writer so I can take my future readers on a journey so deep and ridiculous and THIQUE that my stories forever live rent free in their heads and becomes their first thought when a friend asks for book recommendations.

For me, that author is Haruki Murakami and that story is 1Q84.

Translated from Japanese, 1Q84 covers a fictionalized year of 1984 in parallel with a "real" one. The novel is a story of how a woman named Aomame begins to notice strange changes occurring in the world. She is quickly caught up in a plot involving Sakigake, a religious cult, and her childhood love, Tengo, and embarks on a journey to discover what is "real.”

Murakami has this way of taking two characters that couldn’t be more opposite, with absolutely nothing in common (often living on opposite sides of the world), and somehow weaving their fates together in such a chaotically poetic way that you mind is blown at his timing and precision of detail that ultimately have you questioning how could they NOT be essential to each other’s lives by the end. It’s the Red String of Fate at its best.

Murakami’s writing often makes me wonder how much more beautiful his writing style has to be when read in its native language, considering some words and phrases just don’t translate the same and can read a bit “watered down.” Regardless, I’ve read many a Murakami novel and they are all complete mind fucks with sci fi realism that keeps one foot in the real and one foot in the fantasy realm with underlying themes that make you think HARD.

What I’m Seeing 👀

Being back in the south means seeing a lot more “southern charm” on a daily basis, which can be taken as just about anything with a country twang. What I particularly love about being from the south is at any given time you will see a big beer bellied man with a thick beard and trucker hat belting out some Kenny Chesney or Rascal Flatts like it’s their once in a lifetime audition to American Idol. Even better, he was shirtless, wearing coochie cutters (that belly was eatin those shorts UP), cruising down a back road with not a single door on his Jeep and I could clearly hear his off key ass vocals over the blaring music, which probably means he was going through a break up, but make it ✨country✨ .

IT WAS CHARMING. IT WAS SOUTHERN. IT MADE ME SMILE.

What I’m Thinking 💭

2024 will mark 7 years since I left the country for the digital nomad life back in 2017 and chileeeeeee I’m about to do it again… kinda.

The number 7 means a lot of things in a lot of different spaces, but generally it represents the number of completion, spiritual revelations and big shifts. I spent the last 7 years building my career in marketing and communications, climbing that corporate ladder, making more money than I’ve ever made before and in the end, it sucked my little soul DRY just like it did when I worked in corporate America pre 2017. Back then, I’d been just trying to get my foot in the door, working as an assistant, production lackey and recruiter, biding my time while I was freelancing on the side. But I jussssst couldn’t figure out how to increase my book of business as a freelancer to the point where it would be my full-time job and not the side hustle.

Finally I became fed TP up and said fuck it. Quit my job, sold all my shit, broke my lease and bought a one way ticket to Brazil to bet on myself and put all my effort into being a full-time freelance Copywriter. And YAY, I was doing it! Through mostly word of mouth, I supported myself with short and long-term freelance projects for 4 years until I finally accepted a full-time, salaried position right when the pandemic hit and continued with full-time salaried roles for the next 3ish years, working my way up to Senior Marketing Manager until a series of unfortunate events had me re-evaluating AT WHAT COST was I going to keep putting these companies that didn’t give a shit about me first just for a check (it was a nice check 😭 but still).

So again, I said fuck it, quit my job, sold my shit, moved out of the nicest apartment I’ve ever lived in and moved to Atlanta to live with my mom LOL. So while I’m figuring out what this next chapter focused on ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEE looks like, I’m taking my ass outside of the US and traveling again because why not?

I’m working on my book, pouring into this bi-weekly newsletter that has quickly become my little bby, back to being my own boss and freelancing extremely part-time, and have decided I’m going to go off and do some work exchanges to give back and immerse myself in some different cultures… and also squeeze in a tan of course.

So here’s to completing chapters and surpassing goals set by my 22 yr old self 🥂 . Here’s to the spiritual revelations of my early 30s that has brought me knee deep into the religious deconstruction of the present. And here’s to the big shifts happening in 2024 that hopefully include a finished draft of my book, more peace, more acceptance, more self love and more laughs, because I deserve it ALL.

XO,

P.S. Know that you are loved, even if you don’t love yourself.

what's eating jbuck?

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3...

IT’S A NEW DAWN, IT’S A NEW DAY, IT’S A NEW LIFE FOR MEEE YEAH…

Episode 18: I AM CAPTAIN SAVE A HOE

All I do is cry on this app!

COME TO FIND OUT…

NOW THIS MAY BE CONTROVERSIAL…

She is a complete 180 from Queenie.

Doesn’t she look cute in purple?

Episode 17: This entire post I'm just gonna cry

EMOTIONAL RELEASEEMOTIONAL RELEASEEMOTIONAL RELEASEEMOTIONAL RELEASE

EMOTIONAL RELEASE.

Here are some things I regularly cry about:

Here are some things that make me smile:

What’s on your list?!

Episode 16:Happy Birthday to Me 🖤

I don’t wanna say much… but if you break down what 37 means…

3+7=10 💎

10= A DIME 🪙

Anyways, I’m 37 today, and feeling like TOP OF THE MF LINE.

Episode 15: Can you do the splits?

THEN ONE DAY, MY DAD JUST LEFT US. PACKED UP HIS SHIT AND DIPPED WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE.

I WAS DEVASTATED.

AND THEN I BECAME ANGRY.

HE SAID A LOT OF THINGS.

AND HE LIED ABOUT ALL OF THEM.

THE POINT

Sidenote: I didnt start smoking weed until second semester senior year of HS when I knew they weren’t doing anymore surprise drug testing lol. And on my 18th birthday I smoked out of my first gravity bong made of a 2 liter sprite, a bucket and some foil. I was high as a kite chile. What a time.

AND BY THE END OF THIS YEAR I WILL BE ABLE TO DO THE SPLITS.

Episode 14: Euphoria comes in many forms

Episode 13:Confessions of a Former "Chill Girl"

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 12: Searching for Happiness in all the right places

Guess Who's Back...

Episode 11: Champagne and piss water

Episode 10: Long time no see

Episode 9: Remember that time when...

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 8: april flowers, pool days, and lots of smut

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 7: what else can i do besides have a good time

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 6: I CAN SEE THE LIGHT

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 5: the feels, The Feels, THE FEEEELS!

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 4: Synchronized manifestation is pretty tight

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 3: Just DO IT, be well, and rest.

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 2: COZY reflections

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

Episode 1: Library books, country music & passports

What I’m Reading 📖

What I’m Seeing 👀

What I’m Thinking 💭

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EMOTIONAL RELEASE
EMOTIONAL RELEASE
EMOTIONAL RELEASE