I wanted to get that out of the way first because today I think is a sensitive topic for all of us. Nobody likes being wrong or guilty unless of course being guilty of loving Dr. Pepper or some other sweet treat of your preference. And I’m sure there are times where I ought to have accepted responsibility and accountability for my actions, and I did not. But as a general rule, after things have cooled down, I can usually say;

“Ah yeah, I can see how I was kind of a prick right there and how that hurt you, I apologize and I’ll work on doing better.”

Now, I also sometimes kinda suck at remembering and working on doing better, but it doesn’t make my accountability any less genuine, I really do want to do better and have better relationships, but I forget things from time to time. Thanks, brain, for not being perfect, you jerk.

The reason I try to make a genuine point of this is that I believe for relationships to be healthy, accountability must go both ways. Don’t take my word for it, take the heartthrob Keeley Jones played by Juno Temple in Ted Lasso says;

“Being accountable matters, Jamie.” (Season 1, Episode 4, at the end)

But yet…every time I ask for accountability I get treated like I’m asking the person to do replace Sisyphus rolling the stone up the hill for all eternity. It’s treated like we’re in Game of Thrones and admitting that perhaps we had even a small part to play in a disagreement somehow lessens our position, lessens our power.

You hear it all the time “I’m not perfect…” yada yada yada, but then when there is an actual conflict and you’re trying to reconcile, suddenly people are replacing Jesus on the cross with their holier than thou self-righteousness. It’s unnerving and downright frustrating.

I’ll say this for me at least, when I’m asking for accountability, it’s not a power play, it’s a road to peace, it’s an acknowledgement that we are truly all flawed and rarely, even when we’re right or justified handle things the way we ought to. There is usually plenty of blame to go around, no?

So why is it such a scary word? Why is the idea of accountability so devastating to people in positions of authority?

I’ve been fortunate enough to serve under some great leaders, Colonel B.P. McCoy was my regimental commander and wrote an excellent book on leadership, my battalion commander, now Lieutenant General Roger B. Turner, Colonel Rory Quinn, two of my former first Sergeants, both Sergeant Major Mike Lanpolsaen and Joe Breze, and Sergeant Rob Cahalan all set the tone for me by exemplifying a single sentence;

”Leaders do it first.”
-Me (I researched and didn’t find it attributed to anyone, so I’m claiming it, if you find out someone else did say it, please let me know so I can correct myself)

I remember specifically Sergeant Major Breze, then Weapons Company First Sergeant, breaching doors with us lowly lance corporals.

How else is a leader to set the example if they don’t do it first? How else is a leader supposed to lead if they are not the first?

The Marine Corps has an unspoken ethos that leaders do the leading from the front. That’s what we do. That’s how we roll.

Yet as I’ve made my way through life, I’ve found that the saying;

“Accountability feels like an attack when you’re not ready to acknowledge how your behavior affects others”
- Tamara Renaye

And I get it. Accountability is not necessarily easy. It is hard to say;

“I did that.”
“That’s my fault.”
“That’s my responsibility.”
“I’m sorry, I messed up.”

Despite how appetizing I may make it seem or maybe not seem, eating crow does not initially taste good and even now at times, to me, despite my commitment to be accountable, does not taste good despite how much I’ve tried to make it a staple of my diet.

And I get it. Noone wants to be deficient. Accountability asks us to confront something within ourselves that is less than the ideal that we like to see in the mirror. It hurts to look ourselves in the eye and acknowledge that the reason someone else is suffering is because of our actions. You all have been around long enough to know that I’ve caused my fair share of suffering. I’ve wronged a great many people. But I’ve also been lucky in that even before I started to seek accountability and take responsibility, nobody ever let me get away with anything. I always had to pay the price. Maybe not always the full price, but the consequences of my actions were an ever present reminder that there are parts of me that need to be worked on, parts of me that needed to be killed, parts of me that needed to be thrown out because I simply didn’t and still don’t want to be someone who hurts others or causes others to suffer. Accountability is a path to growth. A path to being better.

But life without accountability is a lie. It denies a fundamental truth of the universe. We’re all flawed. Even at my very best, even when I’m very proud of how I handled a situation that could have been or was contentious, I replay it in my head over and over again thinking about how I could have been gentler, how I could have been more like Christ. Even at my very best, I can acknowledge that my very best is not good enough.

And that last sentence…isn’t that what the entire Gospel is about. Isn’t that the whole reason Jesus came? Because even at our very best, we all fall short.

What is driving this fear? One thing that jumps out at me from the very get go is that “authority” we’ll just call it that, “authority” fears that it will be judged incompetent and unfit to lead. But if anything, it is the opposite. The reason I listed all of those men on my leadership hall of fame is because at one point or another, I saw them take accountability to those they led. Each one of them, from a regimental commander down to a squad leader, demonstrated that accountability from the top down was key to successfully leading men into some of the most dangerous situations we’ve ever faced. It built trust. It built respect. It built loyalty. I would go to war for any one of those men today should they ask it of me because I can trust with absolute certainty their character, their judgement and their wisdom, simply because they were all at one point, accountable to Lance Corporal John Fannin. Maybe not on a personal level, but on a professional and leadership level. Like children, we lance corporals of Marines, see more than we let on.

I’ve rambled a bit I think, but I’m really trying to drive this point home. If you’re a leader and you find yourself unwilling to be accountable to those you lead, you’re not a leader, you’re just someone out for a walk.

Accountability in my very humble opinion demonstrates one of the deepest levels of care a person can have for another. If you are accountable to someone, I can tell immediately that you care deeply for them. If you’re not accountable, it says to me that you do not care for the person at all.

In fact, a lack of accountability is probably the most insulting thing you can demonstrate to me. The quickest way to turn me off to you and have me stop wanting you in my life is to sit there and dig your heels in defending your stance that you in fact handled whichever situation perfectly without flaw.

Not because I’m angry or mean spirited, or that I don’t care, but because I simply cannot accommodate the idea that any one of us is infallible at all times. It speaks to an arrogance that is so extreme it makes me physically sick, and I have to remove myself from that presence.

I think truthfully that’s what it comes down to. The inability to be accountable to the least of who you lead demonstrates a suffocating and unbearable pride. And we all know what comes after pride…the fall. Now me, I fall enough without needing to find new ways to fall. I don’t need pride tripping me up more than I already trip myself up. And if all it takes is saying “I’m sorry, my bad.” to keep me from falling…brother I’ll do it till the cows come home and then some.

Folks I know I’ve probably repeated myself and I haven’t thrown in a lot of jokey jokes, but I guess that’s because to me this is a very serious thing. Relationships where accountability only goes one way are doomed to fail. They are unbalanced. They cannot be sustained because eventually the facade of perfection will crumble and someone else, will hold you accountable and they will probably do so in a way that is most unflattering. And to think, it could have all been avoided if you’d been the one to unflatter yourself.

Think about it. With the cancel culture and outrage news cycle of this day and age, who would you rather hold you accountable? Yourself? Or the nameless masses?

Me, personally, I’d much rather I take myself to task than someone whom I’ve never met. I’d much rather eat my crow willingly, than have someone force it on me against my will.

But that’s me. Maybe you’ve got some sort of weird humiliation kink that is none of my business, nor do I want it to be. Keep that to yourself.

Stop treating accountability like it’s a swear word. Own your bull crap before someone else exposes it.

My good friend Jason once told me one of the smartest things I’ve ever heard,

“It all comes out in the wash.”
- My Bro Jason

Eventually your skeletons will fall out of the closet. Eventually the truth will be known. Whether on earth or in the hereafter. Hiding and denying things only works for so long before you get exposed. Accountability front runs that issue. I’d say it controls the narrative, but that’s overly political for me and I don’t think that’s exactly the concept I want to reinforce. Let me think for a second…accountability removes the need for someone else to use it to harm you….no that’s not it. Hmmm… accountability removes the power of the error. No… that’s not quite it either. When you take accountability, you remove the need for someone else to carry the weight of your poor behavior. Yes. That’s it. There we go. Your crap is not for others to carry; it’s for you to carry. When you don’t, you place an unfair burden on those you say care for. And burdens should only be placed on people with their consent.

Be well. Live real. Leaders lead.

How on Earth is “New phone, who dis?” even advice? Is it advice? Well maybe if you give me a chance to explain myself in the incredibly roundabout way that I do, you’ll be pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.

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