Years ago, Dan and I celebrated Labor Day by taking a bike ride on the relatively narrow path along Chicago’s lake shore. It was a beautiful day and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

The path was well populated by runners, bikers, walkers, and roller-bladers. Boaters, swimmers, and jet-skiers made the nearby water their playground while sunbathers, sand-castle-makers and volleyball players relaxed on the beach.

Sightseers and city lovers walked the streets, dined in restaurants, visited museums and enjoyed Chicago’s attractions.

As we pedaled along the path, it occurred to me that we were in the space between God’s creation and human work.

To the east was Lake Michigan, God’s creative study in brilliant blues punctuated only by white sails on the horizon.

West of the path stood the impressive city of Chicago, created by men and women using a more neutral palette of steel, bricks and concrete.

In between God’s handiwork and human efforts, like the bike path between the lake and the city, was space to recognize work of all kinds.

I spent some time pondering this question: Where does God’s work end and ours begin? Or are they one and the same?

God created the universe, the earth, its resources, everything and everyone on the planet. Did God’s work end there? Is that where ours began? I’ve often thought that he set things up and lets nature take its course. Fires, droughts, floods, earthquakes are a natural result of sin and the misuse of earth’s resources.

That wasn’t always the case. In the Old Testament, God promised that if his people, the Israelites, would obey him they would have rain in season, abundant harvests, and would want for nothing. Sadly, they were often disobedient and there were times when God withheld rain.

In the New Testament, we are no longer divided into a nation of God’s people and nations far away from God. All nations have citizens who follow God and others that don’t. Therefore, Jesus said,

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Matthew 5:44-45

In general, I think that for the most part, the earth and its resources are ours to manage. God doesn’t zap a new mountain range or city into existence. However, he does his work in and through us to invent, develop, and improve using the resources he gave us.

This Labor Day, think back over the work you’ve done. Celebrate it, thank the Lord for the opportunities you’ve had, and ask yourself what work you might do in late adulthood. Remember, work is not only what we do or did in our jobs; it is everything we put our minds and bodies to do toward a purpose or goal.

Now think about the work God has done on your behalf. This work is largely done in the spiritual realm. In my case, my parents and grandparents were godly people who valued education, encouraged us to find our callings, and consistently demonstrated a kind, generous, and hospitable character. Without their influence, who knows who I’d be today. I’m extremely thankful.

Have you thought about the work others have done that have made your life healthier and happier? Medical advancements, information on nutrition and the effects of exercise have given us longer and healthier lives, for which I am grateful. Technological breakthroughs are causing understandable questions, but they are also assisting many of us in our daily tasks. National parks, beautiful cities, interesting and diverse cultures are all human creations using the resources that God has given us.

On Labor Day, we recognize and appreciate all the workers throughout American history who have accomplished what we see around us every day. The roads we drive on, the buildings we enter, computers, tablets, smartphones, and even the parks we visit are all evidence of hard work.

Consider the complex intersection between God’s work and our work.

Dan and I took a hiking trip to Utah last fall, and the day after we arrived, the government shut down. Thankfully, the impressive parks were still there in all their glory, but the staff was minimal. Visitor’s centers were not open as long and on our hiking trips we brought tissues with us because we were afraid that the bathroom upkeep would not be in existence - some were fine; others were not. I appreciated anew how much human labor was necessary to make a national park, God’s creation, accessible and enjoyable.

Finally, God gave us everything we need for life beyond this world by the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on the cross. We cannot save ourselves any more than we can create Lake Michigan. We simply accept his gift and enjoy Him.

This Labor Day, I encourage you to thank God for the resources he has made available to you, for the amazing creation of this gorgeous and diverse world, and for the astonishing saving work of Jesus. Appreciate and applaud the labor that has been done and the workers who did it that has given you the life you have today.

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Enjoy your picnics, family gatherings, and/or trips, and I wish you a happy Labor Day!

In my college days, Thursday nights often ended in long, late-night, deep discussions about the world’s problems and how to solve them. I don’t remember the problems we attempted to solve, but the conversations were healthy, mind-expanding, and enjoyable. Even now when these wonderful college friends get together, we occasionally have a similar discussion. We all have better informed and somewhat divergent opinions, but the conversations are still healthy and mind-expanding.

I recently read The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness by Arthur C. Brooks and smiled when I read his thoughts on the subject.

Older people reminisce all the time about late-night philosophical bull sessions with their friends - deep conversations about life’s unanswered questions…late-night sessions with friends have been crowded out by ever-present use of devices. Why have a conversation about the meaning of life when you can watch forty hilarious YouTube shorts instead?1 (Highlighting and italics mine)

Brooks argues that we have forgotten or have never learned how to ponder thought provoking transcendent questions and that we are living a simulation of a meaningful life. We distract ourselves with technological toys.

We are doing all the right things to earn a living, to get ahead, to be all we can be, but in many cases it’s like we’re working diligently in a lab on a flight simulator instead of in the air high above the world. Our Thursday night sessions were an attempt to get a bit (we were just college students, after all) above the everyday stuff of life and ponder more meaningful things.

For years, I bought into the creative right-brain and analytical left-brain dichotomy. My husband is left brained and I’m right brained; end of discussion. Not so fast. Brooks argues that it’s not one or the other, and he presents evidence that both sides of our brains are involved in all we do, but that they ask different questions and therefore come up with different solutions.

…the right side of the brain is the ‘master,’ which asks the big, transcendent questions such as ‘Why am I alive?” The left side…addresses such practical questions as ‘How do I get food so I can keep being alive?’ In the right hemisphere we ask the why questions about life. On the left side, we ask what to do now and how to do it.’2

Brooks distinguishes between complicated problems, those that can be solved by the left brain, and complex problems, those that are readily understood but cannot be solved.

Culture and technology have pushed us into left brain thinking. There is always an answer to complicated questions, and we must figure it out or wait for technology to solve it or trust science to find an answer.

However, the complex, big, transcendent questions are left unasked.

Left brain thinking has diligently reaching for what we’re striving toward only to realize that the next thing is within reach. This can consume many years of our lives until one day we wake up and ask ourselves some complex questions: Is that all there is? What is the meaning of all this striving? What is the purpose of all our wealth, status, and accomplishments if we’ve never considered why we’re alive or what we’re here for?

The time for questions such as those is now, as we are closer to the end than the beginning of our lives.

The spark of inspiration about how to live a full life depends on the fact that it doesn’t go on forever, so we must make the most of it. And the mystery of faith is that divinity cannot be proven or disproven - as though it were a complicated problem - but must be embraced as a complex, mysterious proposition about the human condition, a supernatural love that transcends earthly evidence…3

To make the most of late adulthood, use some of your time and freedom to fly above the earth, so to speak, and ponder transcendent questions. How did the world come to be? Is there a God? Who is God? Why is the world such a mess? Why is there so much suffering? I have answers to every one of those questions, but I can’t prove any of them to be true.

Technology and science are wonderful, but expert researchers and technology moguls do not have all the answers. For example, dark matter,

…is the invisible glue that holds the universe together. This mysterious material is all around us, making up most of the matter in the universe. But what exactly is dark matter? That's a question that scientists have been trying to solve for almost 100 years.

Dark matter makes up most of the mass in galaxies and galaxy clusters. In fact, scientists estimate that ordinary matter makes up only about 5% of the universe, while dark matter makes up about 27%. (The rest is thought to be dark energy, which is its own mystery).

The more we know, the more mysteries we discover.

Our left brains can handle complicated problems, and the world brings many of them to our attention, but our right brains may need some exposure to complex questions. Pondering transcendent questions moves us beyond simulation mode.

Take some regular time without your phone, tablet and TV to simply think about questions for which you have no answers. Ponder them; pray for answers. You might get answers for a few, but even if you don’t, you will expand your mind and may get a different perspective on transcendent questions.

We were never meant to have all the answers.

The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law. Deuteronomy 29:29

There are things we will never understand on this side of eternity, but we can do our best to understand what has been made available to us.

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What are some transcendent questions that you have pondered? Are you more comfortable with mystery and questions without answers in late adulthood?

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Exercising our social muscles to develop new relationships as well as appreciating and investing in existing relationships is good for our health and happiness. The gift of long-standing relationships and how they become strong and true was the subject of a recent article. Those relationships are treasures, for sure, but there is more to consider in the relational world.

In late adulthood, it can be difficult to establish new relationships, but it’s not impossible and well worth the effort.

Adjusting to Retirement: Emotional and Psychological Challenges says this about loneliness and new relationships as we age.

Making new friends becomes increasingly difficult with age. A 2018 study from the University of Michigan found that 53% of older adults report occasional loneliness, with retirement being a primary trigger. Forming new friendship connections in retirement requires:

• Intentionality (friendships rarely happen by accident after 60)

• Vulnerability (being willing to initiate contact)

• Consistency (regular interaction to build relationship depth)

• Shared interests or activities

Intentionality

Accidental friendships happened in my younger years. I became friends with those with whom I was in regular proximity, and I enjoyed those friendships while we were working, on the same committee or our kids were on the same sports team. But not every friendship will last, and many of these haven’t.

Now, I’m in proximity with fewer people and most of those I’m in contact with are long-time friends. It does require intentionality to develop friends in late adulthood.

We joined a new church about two and a half years ago and have intentionally attempted to make new friendships. When we were new, we tentatively wandered into the gym in between Sunday services feeling a little awkward and hoping to get to know a few folks. We intentionally attended a Bible study, mentored students, joined a small group, and now we know a decent number of people, many of which are our friends.

And as the years go by, I believe some of them will become close friends. If we hadn’t been intentional about putting ourselves in a position to engage with others, that wouldn’t have happened.

Vulnerability

Feeling awkward in between services might qualify as vulnerability, but let’s take it a step further.

I have thought many times of inviting someone we don’t know well over for dinner, but I don’t often follow through. Sometimes I’m just tired, and other times something else comes up. If I’m honest, once in a while, I don’t want to be rejected. Or it could be a little bit of all three.

Brene Brown says this about vulnerability,

Vulnerability isn't good or bad: it's not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living. (Highlighting and italics mine)

Foreclosing on emotional life sounds a bit extreme, but I can see how fear can lead to more fear and eventually the fear results in loneliness. I feel less vulnerable in late adulthood because I know myself better and have to some degree learned the truth of what Brown says about vulnerability, but I still feel a little vulnerable at times.

Go ahead, put yourself in a vulnerable position and initiate contact with a potential friend. Sometimes it will result in a friendship, but even if it doesn’t, it is an excellent workout for our social and mental muscles.

Consistency

Surprisingly, I find it more difficult than in earlier years to have consistent contact with friends. We’re in a neighborhood small group, and we used to meet regularly twice a month. It’s humorous as we check our calendars and find that someone has a commitment the next time we’d meet and someone else is traveling the following week…you get the picture. We still meet as close to twice a month as possible.

Late adulthood is a time of life when our families are growing and there are more people to love. If you have a number of long-standing friends, have been intentional and gotten over your fear of vulnerability, you may have many relationships in your life. That is a blessing, but it takes time to develop and maintain those relationships.

Time can be scarce.

Build consistency into your weekly schedule and leave a few spots open for get-togethers with new or long-standing friends. If an event, lunch, or dinner is on my calendar, I will be there; if it’s not, I might talk myself out of it. The calendar can be a good friend.

Shared interests

My husband has been golfing with a group of neighbors once or twice a week for the past three years. He has improved his golf game, and the shared interest and consistency of playing golf have transformed acquaintances into friends and added new relationships.

My interests are largely reading and writing, which are solo activities, but I do enjoy interactive activities like playing cards, entertaining, and socializing with family and friends. I’ve thought about taking a course or exploring a craft, but I don’t have time for another commitment right now.

Look at your schedule and if it looks a little light, consider getting involved with a group with similar interests to yours. Golf, pickle ball, a walking group, book club, or a quilting group are all enjoyable activities and an excellent opportunity to develop new friendships.

Making friends is tricky in late adulthood, but if we are intentional, willing to be vulnerable, invest in consistency, and investigate groups with similar interests, we may find that we have more relationships than we can handle. That is a wonderful problem to have!

It’s better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there’s no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped. Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬-12‬ ‭MSG‬‬

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Which of the four loneliness busting requirements is toughest for you? Have you made new friends in late adulthood?

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I’ve been in discussions in which everyone involved is perceiving the topic through their unique lens. There is a lot under the surface of the conversation, and the issue is not resolved until someone speaks a wise comment or asks an excellent question. Everyone stops talking, looks at the speaker, and we all think to ourselves, That’s it!

Have you been in that room?

Wisdom is a characteristic that we appreciate, seek, and find more of in late adulthood. We know it when we see it or experience it, but it’s too big a term to define. Merriam Webster defines wisdom as:

• a: ability to discern inner qualities and relationships : insight

• b: good sense : judgment

• c: generally accepted belief

• d: accumulated philosophical or scientific learning : knowledge

That is a little lame, so I asked Perplexity.ai and received this definition:

Wisdom is the capacity to use knowledge, experience, and sound judgment to choose well—especially in complicated, uncertain, or human situations.

True, but that didn’t define it completely. So, I checked ChatGPT,

Wisdom is the disciplined ability to perceive reality clearly, prioritize what truly matters, and act accordingly.

Wisdom is perceiving reality correctly and using information, knowledge, and understanding to prioritize and respond properly in complex human situations. Our knowledge, experience and (hopefully) sound judgment increases as we enter late adulthood. Do we perceive reality correctly? Are we always wise? We’re human, so the answer to both questions is…no.

So, where will we find wisdom?

In my opinion, the only way to find genuine wisdom, to live a meaningful life, to see reality accurately, is to know God, accumulate information, knowledge and understanding from him, and see reality through his eyes.

The book of Proverbs introduces us to Lady Wisdom, who was created before anything else (Proverbs 8:22), was present at the creation of the world (Proverbs 8:30) and now she calls everyone within the sound of her voice to listen to her.

“Lady Wisdom goes to town, stands in a prominent place, and invites everyone within sound of her voice: “Are you confused about life, don’t know what’s going on? Come with me, oh come, have dinner with me! I’ve prepared a wonderful spread—fresh-baked bread, roast lamb, carefully selected wines. Leave your impoverished confusion and live! Walk up the street to a life with meaning.” Proverbs‬ ‭9‬:‭3-6 MSG‬‬

Are we listening?

The Bible has much to say about finding wisdom. I’ve been reading through The Message Women’s Devotional Bible this year and recently read Eugene Peterson’s introduction to the Wisdom Books. He describes wisdom as an attitude rather than belief or behavior and the five wisdom books of the Bible, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Songs, as a comprehensive discussion of wisdom in every aspect of human life.

We see Psalms in the center, for in the Psalms every emotion from ecstatic worship to miserable desolation and from terrorizing fear to faith in spite of fear is expressed. Around the Psalms are Job and Proverbs on opposite sides of one axis and Ecclesiastes and Song of Songs on opposite sides of the perpendicular axis. Job is a book describing suffering beyond imagination and Proverbs gives us advice for the normal everyday living of our ordinary lives. Song of Songs describes the all-consuming emotion of falling in love and writer of Ecclesiastes expresses frustration and boredom with everything under the sun. Wisdom is found in the extremes and in the normal, the thrilling and the boring, the worshipful and the questioning. Wisdom is seeing reality accurately and using hard earned information, knowledge, and understanding to respond wisely in any and all situations.

All this thought about wisdom brought to mind an old blog post called “Pizza is Wisdom” that I wrote in 2013. I think it’s a decent illustration of wisdom, and just for fun, here it is.

Have you had a Chicago style deep dish pizza? My family’s favorite is Lou Malnati’s, and it is on the menu every time we have out-of-town guests. No one has ever been disappointed. (Very full, but not disappointed.)

How do boring old flour, olive oil, yeast, garlic, tomatoes, spices, sausage and cheese combine into a magnificent deep-dish pizza?

My husband and I make a pretty mean deep-dish pizza ourselves. To do so, we start with individual ingredients. My local grocery store stocks over 700 varieties of produce and aisles full of meats, and canned, packaged, wrapped and frozen food helpfully labeled and priced. That’s information.

As a shopper and a cook, I know the identity, the taste, and (usually) the relative quality of many items in a supermarket. And I have a good recipe. That’s knowledge.

Starting with a basic recipe, my husband has tinkered over the years to adjust ingredients, find the right proportions, and perfect techniques. That’s understanding.

Finally, the application of information, knowledge and understanding to creatively prepare a tasty, attractive and nutritious entrée requires wisdom. In this illustration pizza is wisdom.

Absorbing bytes of information without the wisdom to correctly and creatively apply them is like buying ingredients for a pizza and then serving them separately: a pile of flour, a can of tomatoes and a dish of shredded cheese.

Taking a bite of a pizza is far more satisfying.

Where, with access to unlimited information, is knowledge?

Where, in all of our education and knowledge, is understanding?

And where will we find wisdom?

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:101

Ultimately, genuine wisdom is found in God, for the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. That’s the starting point, and as we increase in information, knowledge, and understanding, we begin to see reality more clearly. In late adulthood, may we often exhibit wisdom.

And make an excellent pizza!

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Where have you found wisdom? Do you identify it more easily in late adulthood?

If you’ve been reading Reimagining Retirement for a while, you know that I’m a proponent of investing in close relationships and initiating new ones. Social activity has been proven to increase longevity and happiness.

When I think of the health benefits of relationships, it brings a smile to my face. I love family and friends with whom I have a good time, laugh a lot, discuss spiritual wisdom and its application, and solve the problems of the world. Relationships are enjoyable, and those who engage regularly in social activities have been shown to be healthier than those who don’t. This is a win-win situation, and it makes me happy.

The article Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review reports that truth.

Across 148 studies (308,849 participants)…indicating a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships. This finding remained consistent across age, sex, initial health status, cause of death, and follow-up period.

It would be wonderful if all I had to focus on was enjoying social opportunities, but sometimes life gets in the way. It’s more likely that health, either ours or a loved one’s, will cause complications in late adulthood.

Over the last few weeks, the text thread with a bunch of close friends with whom I’ve had many good times has been full of health issues and prayer requests. Thankfully, those prayers have been answered in the affirmative. My mom entered the hospital for a UTI and is now in rehab, and as of this writing is not doing well. The text thread with my siblings is also full of prayers and health updates.

Rethinking what makes relationships strong

It’s interesting that I immediately thought of having fun in the context of relationships. When I reread the above quote, I realized that it says that strong social relationships are a key to good health. Relationships are sturdy because they have been tested, exercised, and have developed muscle over time and will stand with others through the good times and the not-so-good times. It’s evidence of strong relationships when one finds oneself praying constantly for friends and family.

We all have periods in life when compassion, sitting with someone who needs a friend, crying with another, is a much-needed demonstration of love. All of those close to me have been through tough times, and I suspect you have too.

Twenty years ago, when I was enduring breast cancer treatment, a good friend said, We’ll get through this together. I still remember those words and how much they meant to me. The cards, meals, and support that family and friends offered me is a cherished memory.

Times such as those are likely to be more frequent in late adulthood, therefore family and friends will become more important.

The Paradox of Aging

Laura L. Carstensen is the founder of The Stanford Center of Longevity and professor of psychology and has written much on late adulthood. She wrote this article about her research in 2021; Socioemotional Selectivity Theory: The Role of Perceived Endings in Human Motivation.

The juxtaposition of improved psychological well-being with the very real age-related losses and contractions of the social world came to be known as the “paradox of aging.” Not only did findings challenge assumptions about aging, they also challenged assumptions about happiness itself. Virtually all the presumed factors that make people happy—social status, physical health, broad and diverse friendship networks, and high levels of social engagement—decline with chronological age, and yet psychological well-being improves. The paradox of aging was a question worth addressing. (Highlighting and italics mine)

It is a paradox if we perceive aging as a negative, but our perceptions are not always accurate. Carstensen found that as people age, they are more empathic, express gratitude frequently, are more forgiving, and have less anger and sadness than younger people. The circle of friends may shrink as we age, but the relationships that last are deep and long standing.

Further research showed that social networks began to narrow in early adulthood and continued in late adulthood, but not through death or loss, but by choice.

We found that the oldest participants had just as many emotionally close network members as the younger participants…suggesting that changes were not haphazard but focused…that people were selectively pruning and shaping their social networks to be more emotionally meaningful over time.

In other words, strong, emotionally meaningful relationships are associated with people in their later years and can offer better health outcomes and a longer life. The number of close family members and friends isn’t as important as the strength of those relationships.

So, I stand corrected. Strong relationships are increasingly important as we age, and it’s not all about having fun. Of course, enjoyment is always delightful, and we should take advantage of every opportunity to have a good time, but the strength of a relationship in good times and difficult times is what counts. We may have more opportunities to support friends facing difficult issues in late adulthood, and our relationships will grow stronger every time. Hopefully our life experience and spiritual growth will have prepared us to give family members and friends our best and honest love when they need it most.

Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble. Proverbs 17:17

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How have you experienced family friends loving you in all kinds of weather? Have your relationships grown stronger as a result?

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Back in April, I wrote about looking under the iceberg of retirement financial planning to consider a number of other significant aspects of this next stage of life.

To review, Cyn Meyer, in her book The Rewire Retirement Method: From Aimless to Amazing, describes the approach many take to retirement as an iceberg with financial planning above the water and many important aspects under the surface.

You have the traditional Financial Panning topic on top, and below the surface are massively important factors that remain invisible, such as purpose, passions, contribution, freedom, self-care, spirituality, sense of belonging, accomplishments, feeling relevant, spontaneity, relationships, love and self-actualization. p. 59

Today we’ll look at accomplishments and feeling relevant.

Accomplishments

Think back over your life and make a list of accomplishments that come to mind. When I catalogued some of my achievements, I noted things like graduating college, managing and completing major projects in my career, raising three well-adjusted children, spending time and having good relationships with grandchildren, completing a master’s degree, teaching the Bible, public speaking, writing, and others.

Of course, there are numerous small achievements as well. I remember being in high school and procrastinating over the writing of a research paper until the couple days before it was due. I scrambled to organize my notes and managed to write a paper. The grade is irrelevant - don’t remember - but it was an accomplishment to get it done. That, and similar behavior, taught me not to procrastinate.

What will my accomplishments be in late adulthood? What will be yours?

Our accomplishments will likely be different from those earlier in life. They may be more internal than external. It is an accomplishment when I approach something I’m not crazy about doing with a joyful attitude. On the other hand, it is also an accomplishment to write an article every week. No one is grading me, I’m not accountable to anyone but myself, but I feel a responsibility to do it.

I just finished reading Jim Collins’ book, What to Make of a Life: Cliffs, Fog, Fire and the Self-knowledge Imperative, which I recommend. In it he mentions a quote from Toni Morrison;

You see, the point is that freedom is choosing your responsibility. It’s not having no responsibilities; it’s choosing the ones you want. p. 273

In late adulthood we have the freedom to choose where and on what we will focus our attention and energy. No one is checking up on us or giving us a performance review. We have the freedom to choose our responsibilities, but we still have responsibilities. Our accomplishments will follow our freely chosen responsibilities.

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. Galatians 5:13 The Message

To accomplish what you desire in late adulthood, choose your responsibilities wisely.

Feeling Relevant

Many in this stage of life feel unseen, overlooked, like they’ve done their work and now they are irrelevant. This is partly due to the culture’s value on youth and resulting ageism, but we have a part to play in it as well.

What does it mean to feel relevant? As a writer, I sometimes feel that my relevancy depends on how many people read an article, or how many social media followers I have, but I don’t think that’s an accurate measurement of relevancy. I am far more relevant to family and friends, those with whom I talk face to face.

Relevancy is participating rather than observing. In our careers, we participated, tasks and people depended on us, and we were relevant to the success of the organization or group for which we worked. In late adulthood, we no longer receive external confirmation of our relevance in the form of promotions, raises, respect among employees, or performance reviews. However, we are still participating in perhaps more meaningful ways.

When our careers are over, we can celebrate our new responsibilities and perform them to the best of our ability, and our relevance will be an outgrowth of engagement as it was in our careers.

Engage with family and friends, have good, deep discussions and enjoy those moments when you feel like you’ve connected with another. Participate in relationships on the golf course, over dinner, in a quilting class, or having coffee after a church service. Enjoy time spent with your grandchildren, and don’t doubt that you are relevant to them.

Relevant is not a word found in the Bible. The NIV has no occurrences, and The Message has only three. Relevance is often associated with cultural knowledge, popularity, acceptance or influence, and God is more interested in his values and heavenly community than the worldly cultures that we understand all too well.

Ultimate relevance is attained through spiritual growth to live by God’s truth rather than cultural pseudo-truth. Hopefully our lives as well as our words will demonstrate the reality of God’s truth.

God’s way flips the world’s ways upside down, and when it comes to accomplishments and relevance, our icebergs will look like this.

What we will accomplish under the surface will grow larger as we grow closer to God, as we work in his kingdom for his glory, and he can do surprising things with our obedient freely chosen responsibilities.

What you say goes, God, and stays, as permanent as the heavens. Your truth never goes out of fashion; it’s as relevant as the earth when the sun comes up. Psalm 119:89 The Message

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Do you feel relevant? What have you accomplished in late adulthood?

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What will you do for the next 20 or 30 years? Not sure? Me neither.

The New York Times article “You’re About to Retire. What Are You Doing for the Next 20 or 30 Years?” poses a daunting question and recommends that we begin having conversations about how to optimize our lives. Baby boomers are the first generation to be given the gift of 20-30 years after retirement to do with what we want. Our health has improved, our life span continues to increase, and 70 is the new 50, but the question remains: what will we do in late adulthood?

I’ve read numerous pieces and books on the subject and none of them can tell me, or you, what to do for the next 20 or 30 years.

We must chart our own courses in this unexplored territory.

All I can offer is a bit of encouragement, knowledge that you’re not alone in this endeavor, and incentive to trust that God will show you the way.

Encouragement

Read all the articles that you come across, but don’t beat yourself up if you still don’t know what you’re going to do for the next 20 - 30 years. That is a long time.

There is a view that after a career, if you are in good health and have financial security, you should do something meaningful. Many volunteer at a food pantry, work in a soup kitchen, offer services to a church or a non-profit, because that feels more worthy than getting a part-time job at Home Depot. But if you’re much better equipped to assist clueless folks (like me) who walk into Home Depot and have no idea exactly what they need or where to find it, you could give the overwhelmed and confused a gracious gift.

In late adulthood, we generally know what we’re well equipped to do, what we can do but doesn’t thrill us, and what we have no interest in doing and are totally unqualified to do. You know yourself. Do what you enjoy and what you are competent doing.

The important thing is that you do something. Having a reason to get up every morning is necessary in late adulthood.

You’re not alone

If you’ve read a number of articles like the one I just read in the NYT, you may think everyone has this figured out while you are still pondering.

Not true.

Some of us continue to ask ourselves what will I do for the next several decades? Others have found activities but are not sure that they’re in the zone yet, and I imagine that some have realized and are pursuing their unique vocations. The question rarely goes away, however. Even those who’ve answered the question may find themselves in circumstances that require a reevaluation.

Ask your peers what they are doing and why. Talk to family and friends about your desires and what you might like to do with your time. You will receive useful information and realize that you are far from alone in attempting to answer this question.

Trust that God will show you the way

Does anyone really know what they’ll do for the next 20 - 30 years? No, we do not. Things can change in a heartbeat, and if we ask God what he would like us to do today, this month and/or this year, the 20-30-year question will take care of itself.

And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, “Today—at the latest, tomorrow—we’re off to such and such a city for the year. We’re going to start a business and make a lot of money.” You don’t know the first thing about tomorrow. You’re nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, “If the Master wills it and we’re still alive, we’ll do this or that.” James 4:13-15 The Message

It’s a little discouraging to think of our lives as nothing but a wisp of fog, but remember that God created, loves, cares about, and is involved with our little foggy lives. He has purposes - I use the plural because there are many and they change often - for every one of us.

I’m about halfway through the book, What to Make of a Life: Cliffs, Fog, Fire and the Self-knowledge Imperative by Jim Collins. Collins examined the life stories of many prominent people and found that they all eventually found the thing they were meant to do. He calls it ‘hedgehog mode.’

To be in hedgehog mode means you’ve committed to organize your life and channel a huge chunk of your energy toward the pursuit of this One Big Thing. P. 26

Some find it early in life, others identify it after falling off a metaphorical cliff and navigating through the resulting foggy years. He says retirement is a cliff that leaves many people in a fog. Retirees must redefine their identity and figure out how to use their greatly expanded available time. It can take a while.

Even if you are deeply into hedgehog mode, late adulthood is a time of life when illness, caretaking, or financial difficulties can complicate plans. It is frustrating when you want to put your effort into the One Big Thing, but you have other priorities or commitments that get in the way.

Sometimes God puts us in challenging situations, sends us off a cliff, so we can recalibrate our spiritual lives. He cares more about our relationship with him, our faith, than he does about what we do with our lives. What we do with our lives is important, but it’s not of primary importance. Those who are managing complexities will have an opportunity to seek stronger faith, more hope, and deeper love.

God wants us to live productive, impactful, energetic and happy lives, but those qualities mean nothing without faith, hope and love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13.

There is no map for late adulthood; we will be devising a new pathway. So, follow God, step by step, week by week, month by month and let the 20–30-year question take care of itself.

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Have you experienced a falling off of a cliff? Did your faith, hope and love grow through the process?

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The words work and leisure have meanings that we’ve accepted. We go to work and are paid for our time. A broader definition of work says it is done with purpose, toward a goal. Making dinner, performing a surgery, creating a project plan, changing a diaper, and teaching all have an end goal in mind and all are work. Sometimes work provides a paycheck.

Leisure, on the other hand, is a bit more difficult to define. Is leisure the same as rest? Not quite. Rest is the physical restoration of your body and/or mind, while leisure is an active enriching of your body, mind and soul. Is it useful? Absolutely. Is an accurate view of leisure necessary for a healthy culture? According to Josef Pieper’s classic book first published in 1948, Leisure: The Basis of Culture, as the title implies, it most certainly is.

Pieper, in the 1940s, saw a culture in which everything revolved around work, a world of work, and he saw leisure as a state of mind, a condition of the soul, an attitude that more clearly understood reality.

He believed that true leisure transcends work and enables us to perceive what is. A person, place or thing is not defined as serviceable or not, nor is its value a factor; it simply exists. It was his opinion that the human need to understand reality, what is, forms the basis of worship, celebration, and culture.

Culture depends for its very existence on leisure, and leisure, in its turn, is not possible unless it has a durable and consequently living link with…divine worship.

When we realize that no amount of human work will ever create a sunset, we will appreciate, even celebrate, its beauty. We can marvel and worship over a flower, a baby or a magnificent landscape. And what are we, but human beings created in the image of God? When we acknowledge who we are in reality, in God’s eyes, we will worship the one who does what no human can possibly do. We did not create ourselves. We cannot create a sunset. Pieper’s view of leisure is an ability to recognize and interact with reality, what is.

In late adulthood, many of us have been given leisure time in abundance.

Pieper noticed that he lived in a world that was a ‘leisureless culture of total work.’ If that was true in the 1940s, it is even more obvious today. We value careers based on how much money they will bring us, leisure time is seen as nothing more than preparing us to go back to work. He rejects that idea of leisure and takes us deeper into a new vision of what leisure could be.

In late adulthood we may feel like we worked “in order to be at leisure.” No longer participating in the “leisureless culture of total work,” we now have an opportunity to transcend our cultural bias toward utilitarianism and develop a mindset of leisure.

To do this right we need a correct definition of leisure.

And even the history of the word attests the fact: for leisure in Greek is skole, and in Latin scola, the English “school”. The word used to designate the place where we educate and teach is derived from a word which means “leisure”. “School” does not, properly speaking, mean school, but leisure.

Leisure is active, perceiving, thinking, acting on what is real. Looking at leisure from that angle, it is like school. It is not a long list of entertainment or travel. It is not the same as scrolling through Instagram or flipping streaming services on TV to observe virtual, many unreal, images, stories and memes. It is searching for your full identity, understanding your soul, seeing the world as it is, the good, bad and ugly.

Because wholeness is what man strives for, the power to achieve leisure is one of the fundamental powers of the human soul. Like the gift for contemplative absorption in the things that are, and like the capacity of the spirit to soar in festive celebration, the power to know leisure is the power to overstep the boundaries of the workaday world and reach out to superhuman, life-giving existential forces that refresh and renew us before we turn back to our daily work. Only in genuine leisure does a “gate to freedom” open.

A superhuman, life-giving existential force sounds a lot like God. If we use our leisure time to become closer to him, to see reality through his eyes, we will find the elusive gate to freedom and use our leisure time well.

We live in a world in which work, wealth, influence and status are what many, if not most, people strive for, and Pieper’s book turns that on its head. Instead of working for wealth, we should leisurely seek to understand reality, to see things as they are.

The Teacher who wrote Ecclesiastes searched for meaning in pleasure, diligent work, and wisdom. He denied himself nothing, and upon review, he realized that it’s all chasing after the wind.

He finally saw things as they were, and he concluded that,

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Ecclesiastes 8:15

Perhaps we in late adulthood can live in the deeper vision that Pieper proposed, and the Teacher discovered, and experience more of a superhuman, life-giving existential force. May we leisurely enjoy God’s good gifts.

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I admit, I’m still processing the idea of leisure being more of an attitude than activities. What we do may not change so much as why and in whose power we do it. What do you think?

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Quotes are from Leisure: The Basis of Culture: Including the Philosophical Act by Josef Pieper, James V. Schall

If you’re interested, check out these articles:

Therese Cory delivers “Book that Changed My Life” Lecture on Josef Pieper

On Pieper’s Leisure and Living Well

We recently spent an evening with my mom and dad celebrating their 72nd wedding anniversary. I asked them questions about their wedding, honeymoon and early years, much of which they couldn’t remember, but my mom declared that they were very good years. I agree. Then she randomly said, “I’m asking myself what I regret, and I can’t think of anything.”

It is a wonderful thing to reach the end of your life without regret. Having said that, I’m sure she had plenty of minor regrets, like I regret getting involved with this event or that committee, but those are long forgotten. She has said that she regrets not taking action on her macular degeneration earlier, but that didn’t come to mind as she pondered regrets.

Perhaps in one’s 90s regrets are too distant to worry about, but most of us have wondered, What if?

What if I had taken the other job? What if we hadn’t moved? What if we had moved? What if I had worked harder on my marriage? What if I had taken better care of myself? A common regret is not taking risks, playing it too safely, and it can be painful to imagine what might have been.

We all have at least a few regrets. In late adulthood, when we see how our decisions have played out, we might ask ourselves what life would have been like if we had made different choices.

But we can’t know the answer to that question and too much imagining can develop into dissatisfaction with your life as it is. Yes, your life would have taken different paths; in some ways it might have been better and in other ways it might have been worse. You will never know.

Thomas D, Gilovich, a professor at Cornell and researcher of regret, said in an article called Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: The haunting regret of failing our ideal selves,

“In the short term, people regret their actions more than inactions,” he said. “But in the long term, the inaction regrets stick around longer.”

Building on those ideas, Gilovich and Davidai hypothesized that people’s most enduring regrets in life come from discrepancies between their actual and ideal selves.

“The failure to be your ideal self is usually an inaction,” said Gilovich. “It’s ‘I frittered away my time and never got around to teaching myself to code or play a musical instrument.’”

At this stage of life, we have a better idea of our ideal selves but we also realize that we don’t have the time that we once had. Regrets about how we spent the last 60 or 70 years are natural, but we also have the advantage of a better and expanded perspective, hard won wisdom, more gratitude, and we have become accustomed to our places in the world.

We can’t change the past, but if we have regrets, we should face them, mourn what we believe could have been, learn from them, and move ahead. Regrets may be a recognition of what is most meaningful in our lives, a clarifying of what we believe matters most.

Take what you’ve learned from your regrets and use it in your forward progress. Regrets won’t disappear, but they can be used as motivation to live more intentionally in these decades.

Late adulthood is a new stage of life, and for many of us it will be 20 or 30 years of productive living, and we don’t want to regret how we spend these wonderful years.

When I think about regrets, I realize that the decisions I’ve made, a few of them regrettable, have brought me to where I am today. God can always make a way. He can give back what we have lost or regretted.

The prophet Joel records a conversation with the Lord in which the people prayed to be spared after the locusts had devasted the land. In response, God made a promise.

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— Joel 2:25

Locust years are regrettable years. How can God restore those the years the locusts have eaten?

He goes on to say,

And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. Joel 2:28-29

God has poured out his Spirit on every follower of Jesus, and he is more than capable of making our last 20 or 30 years more productive than the first 60 or 70. And in eternity, I believe we will have a chance to do all the things we didn’t have the desire, time, health or knowledge to do in this life.

We will have eternity to live to the full and love Jesus.

My mom has always been a reader, and she said that she probably would have spent her time doing more valuable things if she hadn’t been so intrigued by her books. I don’t know if she’d call it a regret, but she realizes that she missed out on some activities because she spent so much time reading. (I might have inherited some of that tendency.)

Now, she listens to books because of her damaged eyesight, and her brain is still sharp. She tells me almost every time I see her how much she’s looking forward to the day when she will experience the next stage of her life…in heaven.

All the years the locusts have eaten will be given back to her, and then some.

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I want to minimize regret going forward, how about you?

What do you expect of the summer? I expect to enjoy warm days, take long walks, plan meals meant for grilling, continue to write, and travel a bit. Sounds reasonable, but as I was reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E Frankl, a different question was asked, one that I had never thought of asking before: What does this summer expect of me?

Man’s Search for Meaning is both fascinating and horrifying, as are all descriptions of the treatment of prisoners in Nazi concentration camps. That anyone survived is miraculous.

Frankl’s observations on the meaning of life from inside that miserable place are important, for who among us would have thought any meaning could be found in the midst of incomprehensible suffering.

Consider the following quote:

What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life - daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual. p. 72

Expectations are powerful, and we often don’t even realize that we have them until they are denied. The first time I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I was stunned and devastated. My expectation that I would soon meet this child was not met. Thankfully, I subsequently had three delightful children, and I was particularly prayerful during the first trimester of my second pregnancy.

Frankl’s insight is that if we focus on our unmet expectations, we will feel angry, deprived, and be discouraged or depressed. However, if we turn the question around and ask what life is expecting of us at this point, we are able to find meaning in the answer.

What has life asked of you?

It’s an interesting question to consider. Recently, life, a.k.a. God, is asking me to put my agenda aside for love of others, which I’m embarrassed to admit can be difficult for me to do. It’s not suffering, but this next step in my spiritual journey is, at times, a challenge.

Frankl also talked about the difficulty that former prisoners had upon their release. After years of struggling to survive, enduring emotional and physical torture, and constantly hoping for salvation, it is understandable that a period of adjustment would be required when they were released.

When we spoke about attempts to give a man mental courage, we said that he had to be shown something to look forward to in the future. He had to be reminded that life still waited for him, that a human being waited for his return. But after liberation? There were some men who found that no one awaited them. Woe to him who found that the person whose memory alone had given him courage in camp did not exist any more! Woe to him who, when the day of his dreams finally came, found it so different from all he had longed for! p. 86

To a much, much, lesser degree the same could be said of retirement. Some look forward to retirement for years, longing for unscheduled days to do what they want to do, and when it finally arrives, after the honeymoon is over, they find it disappointing. It doesn’t match the expectations that had been built up.

Either the epic expectations were not realistic, or an illness or injury kept them from being achieved, or there was no planning or preparation done for retirement. If you are familiar with this scenario, Frankl has a suggestion.

Instead of focusing on the unmet expectations, confront the reality, mourn if necessary, and ask what God is asking of you at this point in your life. You will find meaning in the answer.

There is no one-size-fits all answer to the question of the purpose or meaning of a life. Every day, every hour, there may be a different purpose to accomplish. As I said in a recent post, the best definition I can come up with for a life’s purpose is simple: follow God’s lead.

These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment. Thus it is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general way. Questions about the meaning of life can never be answered by sweeping statements. ‘Life’ does not mean something vague, but something very real and concrete, just as life’s tasks are also very real and concrete. They form man’s destiny, which is different and unique for each individual. No man and no destiny can be compared with any other man or any other destiny. No situation repeats itself, and each situation calls for a different response. P. 72-73

Our destiny has been formed, is being formed, by our responses to every situation presented to us. I’ve never thought of meaning or purpose in those terms, and frankly, it’s a bit frightening. I can only pray that the Holy Spirit will lead me to do his will in each situation.

In late adulthood we might find that our lives appear to lack meaning. That is not at all true. Remember that meaning can be found every day in every purposeful response to what life has thrown at us. Life is not over. Never forget that we are still contributing, working, growing and loving.

The last sentence of the first chapter states the benefit and the meaning of what he had experienced:

The crowning experience of all, for the homecoming man, is the wonderful feeling that, after all he has suffered, there is nothing he need fear anymore - except his God. P. 87

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How do you handle unmet expectations?

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This year’s college grads are facing an uncertain career future says the article, The New Career Odyssey Waiting for Today’s College Grads in The Wall Street Journal.

College graduates have never been guaranteed predictability, but the current cohort is notable for the degree of disruption it is likely to face. LinkedIn projects people entering the workforce now will have twice as many jobs over the course of their careers as those who started out 15 years ago.

This is partly because careers keep stretching longer. You’re bound to experience more change if you work for 50 or 60 years than if you retire after a 40-year run.1

I’ve written before about a multi-stage life in which the norms change from 3 stages - education, establish and work a career, and retire - to a fluid process of establishing skills, working, going back to school, developing new skills, working in a different discipline, taking a break occasionally, or any combination of those activities.

The Longevity Imperative: How to Build a Healthier and More Productive Society to Support Our Longer Lives by Andrew J. Scott presents a thesis that we have achieved the first longevity revolution, living longer, and now it is imperative to better prepare ourselves, our skills and our finances for a long life.

“…people of all ages now need to plan for a longer life…it goes much further than just preparing for an extended retirement. It represents nothing less than a new era for humanity.”2

When I read this book over a year ago, I wished younger people would become familiar with this concept, for they have the time and ability to live a multi-stage life. I wrote the following.

The more I learn about retirement and late adulthood, the more I realize that it’s extremely helpful to plan your life with late and later adulthood in mind…I hadn’t thought much about my late adult years until I was in my early 60s.

I thought it was unlikely that this concept would catch on among young people and was hoping that those of us in late adulthood would encourage our kids and grandkids to prepare for a longer working life with occasional breaks and perhaps educating themselves into new careers.

A lot can change in a year and a half.

Thanks to AI young people may live a multi-stage career life whether they want to or not. No one knows what jobs will look like in 15 years, and current jobs may become nonexistent. College graduates entering the work force are understandably anxious.

The Wall Street Journal article says,

Most of us didn’t know AI was coming when we began our careers, so we didn’t worry about it. Today’s grads, with their entire professional lives before them, understand they are on the precipice of something big and carry the anxiety that comes with this knowledge.

Their task is to develop transferable skills to thrive in a working world that may turn out to be unrecognizable.3 (Highlighting mine)

When I was a career advisor, I saw students choose careers and tailor their education accordingly. Those interested in medicine took AP biology and AP chemistry. If math was their intended career, they took AP calculus. These courses taught appropriate content, but there probably wasn’t too much emphasis on transferrable skills.

The article mentions the following example of transferrable skills.

Sarah Iselin studied photography and art history at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Now she is chief executive of health-insurance company Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts.

An artist’s eye for detail served her well when she moved into healthcare. And who better to distill reams of complex information than someone who understands a picture is worth a thousand words?

To be clear, subject-matter knowledge is important. Iselin went back to school for a graduate degree in health policy and management. But she credits art with training her mind to see and communicate clearly.4

Apparently, schools are showcasing alumni who have had unconventional career paths to encourage current students to think more broadly about their careers. Students would also be wise to develop adaptability, communication skills, critical thinking and reflection.

Reflection is a term not generally thought about in a career context, but reflection is always useful. I remember being asked questions like, What have you learned that would be helpful in this job? It may not be specific knowledge but transferrable skills like an ability to see the big picture or isolate problem areas.

Someone looking to hire a Martian data-center engineer—or fill any job that previously didn’t exist—won’t find applicants with direct experience.5

You may be wondering how we in late adulthood should apply this information. Here are three suggestions.

1. If you’ve had an unconventional career path, talk about it with your children and grandchildren, encourage them to think about a long and varied career. Talk about your career path and the choices that you made and expose them to family and friends who chose differently, for this may expand their view of education, career and late adulthood.

2. Let them observe you living a vibrant late adulthood. Remind them that you’re still working, that God has important things for you to do, that retirement isn’t the end of usefulness.

3. Note transferable skills that they might be developing, comment on excellent soft skills that you notice, and put the thought into their heads to be aware of the need to reflect on their progress, what they’ve learned, and how they can apply it in different roles.

In multi-stage lives, they will likely work longer than 30 or 40 years, but if they realize that work is a very good thing, that it’s a gift, that their work is important, and that a multi-stage life gives them the opportunity to take breaks and adjust, they will be energized to do it gladly.

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Is the multi-stage concept new to you?

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At a recent gathering, I was asked what I’ve learned about this stage of life, late adulthood. I could have said any number of things, but I believe one adjustment is most important: an attitude shift, change in perspective, a new view of this stage of life.

The term retirement conjures up images of withdrawal and endings, as this Forbes article describes.

The words “retire” and “retirement” derive from the French retirer, meaning to withdraw. The common definition of retirement today is to leave your job and stop working. Words shape our vision and thinking. As long as we keep using the word retirement or any derivative such as “the new retirement,” that whiff of withdrawal, of closure, of endings will linger. And so will visions of what the word evoked a generation ago: retirement as the time to stop working and, hopefully, enjoy yourself—travel, play golf, hop on an RV, pursue hobbies. At least until aging and infirmity catch up with you or your partner.

The ‘whiff of withdrawal’ is still in the air, which is why I prefer the term late adulthood to retirement. Late adulthood has the potential to be expansive, not constrictive. Late adulthood as we are now experiencing it is the exact opposite of what retirement meant to older generations. It’s not an ending, but a beginning; not a withdrawal, but a deposit on new adventures to come. If we shift our attitudes toward those expectations, late adulthood can be an expansive, growing, and transformative time of life.

At least four expansions might take place in late adulthood.

Identity

For many, retirement causes an identity crisis. After the confusion subsides there is a realization that you have always been more than your job. Reminders of previous interests come to mind, and your identity is amplified in every direction.

I wrote this in a 2024 article:

Who are you? You are a unique, complex, collection of personality traits, experiences, skills, knowledge and spiritual maturity, and in retirement, you will have to let go of your identity in terms of your career. Your career was necessary and important for others and for your development, but it is only one piece of the puzzle. The older you get, the more complex and interesting the puzzle grows.

In other words, your identity expands. You have always been yourself, but late adulthood is the time to recognize aspects that have gone unacknowledged or underdeveloped. As you grasp these aspects of your personality, it will be enlarged.

Use of Time

Gone are the days when you felt like you had all the time in the world to try out new activities, learn interesting things, and upgrade your intellect. Now, you realize that there are fewer years left to live than you have lived.

This makes the late adulthood years precious. You don’t want to waste them, so shift your thinking a bit and start every day with gratitude for the day and a reminder that this day is important.

Explore, expand your view of what you can do with your time, and use every day to the best of your ability. It doesn’t as much matter what you are doing as how well you are doing it. Ask God to lead your days and to give you energy to meet each day with your best attitude and performance.

It’s true, we don’t have as many years left as we have lived, but our use of available time can become more intentional and will feel expansive.

Purpose

I’ve been thinking about purpose quite a bit lately. I’ve whittled it down to the simple, but not easy, statement: Follow God’s lead. Only he knows how what we do will be threaded into his purpose, and his purpose is the only one that matters.

I’ve simplified the concept of a purpose which has enlarged my attitude toward pursuing it. Instead of wondering what my purpose is in this crazy world, I can simply trust God to lead me in the right direction. It opens my mind to possibilities and helps me to live in freedom.

Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate. Galatians 6:15 MSG

Shifting my attitude from the common ‘little patterns’ of retirement to expectations of daily purpose in late adulthood offers me freedom. When we follow God’s lead, everything we do is significant.

It’s up to God to weave our work into his purpose. We don’t control the future; time is out of our hands. We only have responsibility for the present. So, live every day purposefully, expansively and with gratitude.

Spiritual maturity

Finally, in my opinion spiritual maturity has the potential to expand exponentially in late adulthood.

One of my good friends decided to read through the entire Bible in 2025, and we did it together. I was impressed that she was spending so much time and energy reading different translations, taking notes and asking questions. She had the time and was using it for spiritual growth, which I applaud.

Reading the Bible is the best way to get to know God, his heart, and his character. It’s his story; he is the protagonist of the entire Bible. If you desire, you can supplement with other ways to improve spiritual maturity such as serving, prayer, fasting, or meditation.

The point is to seek God. He is not hiding and will be found by anyone truly seeking him. Spend time getting to know God and your spiritual life will expand.

If you shift your attitude toward anticipating the new expanse of your identity, use of time, purpose, and spiritual maturity, instead of withdrawing, late adulthood will be a joyful and transformative time of life.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will… Ephesians 1:11

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Has your life expanded in late adulthood?

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Caring for oneself might have been at the bottom of a priority list while holding down a job, raising a family, and managing the demands of a household. In late adulthood time becomes available to concentrate on self-care, but it can still be difficult to do.

Our church has emphasized loving Jesus, loving others, and loving yourself, or JOY, based on Luke 10:27,

He answered, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27, NIV

JOY is a helpful way to remember what Jesus described as the greatest commandments, and loving yourself is definitely part of the equation.

The church has also done a survey asking which of the following three is hardest for respondents: loving Jesus, loving others, or loving themselves. Apparently, by far the most common answer is that those surveyed have trouble loving themselves.

I asked Pastor Karl why this was, and he responded as follows,

Through people’s comments the last couple times we’ve surveyed, we see that there are overtures of 1) being very self-critical and struggling with shame from past mistakes, 2) being overextended in life (cumulative work and activity scheduling demands), 3) being more the giver in relationships (caregiving for family and friends in various ways), 4) being raised to always think of yourself last (a false view that self-care is selfish)

I believe the self-imposed expectations and “normal” pace of life in our society mixed with the superabundant opportunities for distraction create conditions that are not hospitable to true, helpful self-care and soul care.

Those insightful comments are no doubt true of many people in all stages of life, however, in late adulthood it becomes more obvious that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be of much use to others.

Physical self-care

I’ve read numerous articles about eating right, getting enough exercise, sleeping 7-8 hours a night, and drinking enough water, and I attempt to do it all. However, that advice always seems a bit too basic, for everyone knows they need to eat healthy food, move their bodies, and sleep. Knowing and doing are two very different things.

Each of us knows the areas with which we have trouble. We’ve tried to get more exercise but it’s often low on our priority list. We stock up on fruits and vegetables that eventually get tossed because we’ve never gotten around to eating them. And it’s not easy to get 7-8 hours of sleep. I’ve tried; it doesn’t always happen.

In reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, I may have found an answer to my sleep issue. The last half of the book is a discussion of logotherapy, his psychiatric theory, and he describes a technique he calls paradoxical intention.

A man came to him who had a fear of perspiring, which made him perspire more, which increased his fear, and so on. Frankl advised him as follows,

…in the event that sweating should recur, to resolve deliberately to show people how much he could sweat. p. 116

It worked.

So, on a recent night when I worked at the library until 9:00 pm - those nights are particularly wakeful - I told myself that I was going to stay up as late as possible. I went to sleep.

Articles telling me to sleep 7-8 hours a night were not at all helpful, but Frankl’s book, of all things, gave me an idea that worked.

In whatever area you feel the need to improve physically, use your judgement, you know yourself, what works and what doesn’t, be open to ideas that come from unusual sources, and love yourself enough to become physically able to love Jesus and love others.

Emotional self-care

The need for emotional self-care is not as easy to detect as the need for physical self-care. People in great physical shape can be struggling emotionally, but no one, sometimes not even the struggling individual, understands.

Some days I feel emotionally depleted for no apparent reason - my emotional energy is not what it used to be. I want to love others, and there are more family members and friends to love, but emotionally I need a time out.

In late adulthood we experience more loss, have health issues ourselves or care for those we love, and other challenges that affect our emotional energy. Some of these things weigh heavily on us, which can be draining.

Be aware of your emotional state, don’t ignore it, share your feelings with a spouse or close friend, and go ahead and mourn or feel exhausted or frustrated, for these are legitimate feelings. Read the Psalms for honest expressions of emotional exhaustion.

A quiet day, a bit of silence, spending time reading the Bible and journaling, and honestly praying my praise, gratitude and requests generally restores my emotional energy.

We can’t love others well if we’re emotionally exhausted.

Spiritual self-care

Loving Jesus and knowing without a doubt that we are loved by God, no matter what, every minute of every day, is by far the most important aspect of self-care. Actually, it’s not so much self-care as going to the One who is able to care for us and lead us to spiritual maturity better than we are able to ourselves.

Every day when I read my Bible, I come to know God a little better. Some days I feel his love, am encouraged or challenged by a passage, and I must admit, other days I just read it and go about my business. But every minute spent with God is valuable.

Without love for Jesus, we can’t truly love others and ourselves well.

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Ask God what the next step is for your spiritual maturity. It might be a Bible study, or an area of service, or establishing a regular place and time for prayer. Late adulthood is the perfect stage of life to invest in spiritual growth.

The more we become like Jesus, which is the goal of spiritual maturity, the better we will love him, love others, and love ourselves.

Live your late adulthood years with JOY, and don’t forget to love yourself.

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Do you find it difficult to take care of yourself physically, emotionally or spiritually? If so, which one is most troublesome?

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After working in high stress environments, with every minute of your days scheduled, and others depending on you to do your job on time and within budget, you might occasionally struggle with boredom when you retire.

I had never thought much about the concept of boredom, other than it is to be avoided. At one of my kid’s graduations, I remember the speaker saying that there was no such thing as a boring day, only boring people. I thought that was clever and used that line many times on my eye-rolling children.

Then I saw Harvard University Press’s review of the book Out of My Skull: The Psychology of Boredom, which summarized the work as follows.

Psychologists James Danckert and John Eastwood contend that boredom isn’t bad for us. It’s just that we do a bad job of heeding its guidance. When we’re bored, our minds are telling us that whatever we are doing isn’t working—we’re failing to satisfy our basic psychological need to be engaged and effective.

Heeding the guidance of boredom was a new idea for me, so I decided to read the book. It was interesting.

The authors say that,

…the bored brain is not simply a brain with nothing to do but a brain that is hoping for, anticipating the possibility of something to do…boredom is the uncomfortable feeling of wanting, but being unable to, engage in satisfying activity.1

It strikes me that many in late adulthood know exactly what that feels like. Your mental capacity is underutilized, and you know it.

In late adulthood our goals are often nebulous, not clearly identified or stated, and we don’t know what to do with our well-developed brains in this stage of life. We keep busy, but busyness isn’t the same as fully engaging our brains. We can be bored in our busyness.

Interestingly, the authors note that it’s a little like adolescence.

Teenagers and septuagenarians are both deeply uneasy when they have too much time on their hands and nothing to do with it. We’re not built to have endless hours of wandering through a mall when school is over. And we’re not built to sit at home and watch game shows and soap operas all day to fill out our retirement years. Boredom at the bookends of life, from cradle to grave, signals to us that we need something more.2

This is not the first comparison of late adulthood and teenage years that I’ve read. Teenagers are looking forward to developing a career, learning, and creating, and those of us in late adulthood realize that we’ve done those things but still have more to offer. Both teenagers and late adults are not sure what the future holds.

The cultural view of retirement hasn’t caught up with the reality that we have decades of life ahead of us and we want to live those years well.

Boredom doesn’t happen to us; we also have a part to play. When we recognize that we are a bit bored, we have options. We can distract ourselves with social media, television, or YouTube, but these activities can actually increase boredom as they temporarily occupy us but are not ultimately engaging. Some begin addictive behaviors like gambling, too much alcohol, or drugs, none of which lead to a good place.

Boredom is not necessarily bad; our responses to can be negative or positive.

In our attempts to outrun boredom we rob ourselves of the chance to learn how to be in the moment and redirect our energies in positive ways. To discover what it is we most deeply want to do, we need to tolerate periods of down time, time not filled by something guiding our thoughts and behavior from the outside. By accepting the risk of being bored we have the chance to find the antidote. Rather than fighting against boredom, accepting a boring situation gives us what we need to be free of it - the chance to identify our desires and goals so that we become engaged on our terms, as agents, committed to a purposeful course of action.3

Identifying desires and goals is not easy, may involve trial and error along with boring moments or days. The advice of these authors is to determine desires and goals and take purposeful action.

Read a good non-fiction book, call a friend and schedule a time to meet, begin that project that you’re putting off, purge one of your closets, check into volunteer opportunities and try one, or research a topic that you’ve been wanting to better understand. Then take the next step. Maybe the book taught you something interesting; learn more about it. The volunteer activity may or may not have fit your interests well, if it did, keep it up, of not, try another one. And there’s always another closet to organize.

The book summarizes their advice as follows:

In lieu of simple answers, we suggest the following principles. Seek out activities that clarify, rather than obscure, your desires and goals. Pursue goals that give expression to your values - things that matter to you. Do things for their own sake, rather than as a means to avoid something else. Pick activities that enchant your surroundings, so you are drawn into ever-deeper connections…Act so as to express and expand your efficacy. And find activities that engage you as a unique person and express who you are.

Boredom confronts us with the simple yet profound question: What will you do? It demands an answer. There are few more significant questions.4

What will you do? It is a highly significant question for those who want to engage their brains and live to the fullest in late adulthood. I still avoid boredom, but now I know a little better what to do when it hits.

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How do you deal with boredom?

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Be all you can be! Reach your highest potential! Live life on your own terms! There is always a better version of ourselves that we can dream of, and I don’t think any human has become the absolute best they can be.

Self-actualization is a term made popular by Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - basic needs such as food and shelter, psychological needs like relationships and accomplishment, and finally, at the top of the pile, self-actualization. Self-actualization was established in a 1943 paper, A Theory of Human Motivation.

What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization. Abraham Maslow

Examples of self-actualized people according to this article are,

To give some real-world examples of (presumably) self-actualized people, Maslow (1970) also once named a few people who he considered to have reached a level of self-actualization in their lifetimes. These included: Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt…

Those names set an unrealistically high bar for becoming all I can be.

As I look over my life to this point, I know that I have not reached my highest potential nor have I always lived life on my own terms. Maybe some of you have - I congratulate you - but I fall short. If I had understood then what I understand now, I would have made a few different choices.

The search for self-actualization, or self-fulfillment, and a meaningful purpose for an individual life is a first world problem and an outgrowth of our individualized, wealthy and hyper-connected culture. To achieve self-actualization, a goal, a grand purpose, is required. Those who haven’t yet discovered a purpose feel deflated when they compare themselves to those they follow on Instagram who have thousands of followers and a clearly identified purpose.

Limits to self-actualization

As mentioned, self-actualization is defined as reaching your full potential, knowing and becoming fully yourself, but it assumes that your self is the highest goal attainable, your human potential is the limit.

There is only so fast we can run, only so many hours we can work, only so much intelligence we have, only so much we can accomplish. The people Maslow mentioned as becoming self-actualized were impressive, worked diligently, and impacted human history, but even they probably missed the mark at some point. Self-actualization is limited to human potential.

God-actualization

I’ve never heard of that term - just made it up - but it offers a succinct contrast to self-actualization. To become God-actualized would be to become more like him, desire what he desires, surrender more fully, and his work would become highly important.

God-actualization is another way to think of spiritual transformation. Spiritual transformation is the process of becoming more like Christ. We’ll never be fully transformed this side of eternity, but we can get closer.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2 NIV

The wisdom of the world is foolishness to God, and the world thinks God’s ways are upside-down. He says to become more yourself you must surrender yourself. To achieve self-actualization, you must first give up your goals and become God-actualized. Self-actualization is the world’s way of achieving notoriety, but the difficult and unseen work of transformation from the inside-out is God’s strategy.

To become exactly who God created us to be is our purpose.

We don’t choose it; he has chosen us and given us a purpose. Ultimately, God-actualization will lead us beyond perfect self-actualization. Self-actualization without God will cause a painful bumping into the ceiling of our own limits.

In order to achieve our eternally significant goals, to become who God created us to be, we participate in his divine nature and can depend on him to make sure we develop into the individuals he wants us to become.

Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. 2 Peter 1:4

This is what I didn’t understand when I was starting out. I hadn’t thought about becoming the best I could be and simply did the next logical thing at every stage. Rarely, if ever, did I consult God. Sometimes I wonder what my life to this point would have been like if I had been more spiritually mature at a younger age. The fact is, I wasn’t, but somewhere in my 30s I became interested in what God had to say and started studying the Bible. The surrendering has been a process, but I’m getting there, and through it all God has been transforming me. I trust God now has me where he wants me.

We become fully self-actualized when we surrender our desires and submit to God-actualization. We live eternally meaningful lives by honoring and trusting God in all we do, upholding our responsibilities, caring for family, friends, and those who need a hand, and enduring difficulties with grace and gratitude. It doesn’t always feel like self-fulfillment, but God is more interested in our character than he is in our accomplishments.

Ironically, if we raise the bar for self-actualization beyond our human potential and ask God to transform us, we have a better chance of becoming the best we can be. Others may not notice, but God will.

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Do you think it’s counter intuitive to surrender to God to become all you can be?

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I know people living expansive lives; they are curious, generous, involved with many different people, places and things, and their lives are expanding. They see possibility, not limits, in their future and are not defeated by cultural constraints.

A career is stimulating, expands knowledge, and offers financial rewards, but it might also constrain you to become your career and narrow your self-perception.

Late adulthood is the time to release constraints

The pieces of your identity have been with you throughout your life, but some have understandably been forgotten, ignored, or given up on for years. Late adulthood is an excellent time to explore those interests and add color to the puzzle of your life.

With the wisdom of experience, fewer obligations, and a clearer sense of what really matters, this season of life can be one of your most vibrant.

Be sure and ask yourself some important questions before moving forward, such as: What do you value most in life? When did you feel happiest? What do you feel is missing from your life now? Is there something you’ve always wanted to do or loved in the past that was pushed aside? What do you want your life to look like in five years? Ten?1

Following are some attitudes that may inhibit expansion and growth in late adulthood.

It’s too late to learn new skills, acquire knowledge, or begin new hobbies.

Nope, that is bunk.

If you have an area of interest, learn about it, take or audit a class, and pursue increased knowledge. I obtained a master’s degree in communications and culture when I was 55 years old, and my electrical engineer husband received a Master of Divinity degree at age 60.

Longitudinal studies of adults over age 65 have shown that learning is anything but over, as this article in Yale School of Public Health shows.

Analyzing more than a decade of data from a large, nationally representative study of older Americans, lead author Dr. Becca R. Levy, PhD, a professor of social and behavioral sciences at the Yale School of Public Health (YSPH), found that nearly half of adults aged 65 and older showed measurable improvement in cognitive function, physical function, or both, over time.

You’re not creative

Many of us were told that we’re left brain dominant and are not very creative. Others were told that they’re right brain dominant and would never make it as an engineer. The article Left Brain vs, Right Brain: Fact or Fiction summarizes this fallacy as follows.

In the 1960s, neuroscience research showed that one side of the brain tends to be more dominant in each person. Since then, many people have categorized themselves as “left-brained” (analytical, methodical, logical) or “right-brained” (artsy, creative, emotional).

Recent research shows that the human mind is beautifully complex, constantly changing, and made for learning and growth. Each side controls different functions throughout the body, and both sides work together in amazing ways to help us become our best selves.

It turns out that while different parts of the brain are responsible for different functions, they work together and no one is completely left-brained or right-brained. Sometimes the left side of the brain will take over and other times the right side has the necessary skill.

If you have the time and interest, late adulthood is the time to explore your creativity. A friend of mine retired about a year ago and has thrown herself into quilting. She always had a creative streak, and now it’s blossoming. Painting, dreaming up landscape designs, woodworking, sewing, creative writing, knitting and others are activities that might reignite creativity.

You have no purpose

Once again, that’s simply not true.

If you formerly thought of your purpose in terms of your career, this constraint is difficult to overcome. Look beyond the purpose of your job, and know that it can take a while to see a larger and perhaps more impactful purpose after retirement.

As I wrote in this newsletter’s last article,

Purpose is not something we set out to invent or achieve; it’s something we discover in the working, serving, living and loving.

While taking a walk, I ran into a friend who told me of a presentation she had attended by holocaust survivor Steen Metz. Metz is a 91-year-old man who has been speaking to students, churches, and community organizations about his experience in a concentration camp in WWII. He said the most important thing his mother taught him while in the work camp was to hang on to hope.

He began to share his experiences in 2012 when he was 77 years old. He feels his purpose is to continue to transmit his message to others as long as he is able. Given that he is still going strong, it may be a while!

The thousands of people who have attended his presentations are thankful that he continued to pursue a purpose in his 70s. We don’t have as dramatic a story to tell, but everyone still has an important purpose.

Don’t let cultural constraints box you in

Late adulthood is a season for living a more expansive life, discovering who you are in a deeper and spiritual sense, and working, serving, living and loving with intention.

There is but one solution to the intricate riddle of life: to improve ourselves and contribute to the happiness of others. ~ Mary Shelley, British novelist

At this point in life, I am who I am. You are who you are. I’m learning that the more I know the more I realize how much I don’t know, but I’m the best I can be at this moment.

That’s all any of us can do.

But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well. I Corinthians 10:24 The Message

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Have you woken up to constraints that have held you back? If so, how did you break through them?

Thank you, Karen, for letting me know of Steen Metz!

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The book The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Hear For? by Rick Warren made quite a splash when it was published in 2002. It has sold over 50 million copies, has been translated into multiple languages, and is one of the most successful non-fiction books written to date.

I don’t remember much from the book - I read it over 20 years ago - but I still remember the attention getting first line: It’s not about you. The first chapter is titled It All Starts with God. Putting those two sentences together offers a short summary of the book.

The Purpose Driven Life’s immense popularity suggested that we’re all looking for a defined purpose, one that we can express, a guide for life, true north, something to give our lives meaning beyond our daily routine.

Some seem to have been given a life-defining purpose from an early age, but I venture a guess that most of us have not been so fortunate. When we were younger, we might have described our purpose as becoming educated, earning a living, starting a family, being a responsible mother or father, and as the years went on, we might have thought our purpose was primarily in our income earning job. That is part of our purpose, and for some it’s a big part, but it’s not the main thing.

Richard Rohr says in his book Falling Upward that the first half of life is for building a container for our largely material assets, and in the second half of life we stop building and begin to use, appreciate, pass on, and expand the intangible assets we’ve accumulated. Late adulthood might be the time that we begin to see our purpose.

Actually, I believe we each have multiple purposes that come and go in different seasons of life, and as we mature spiritually, we will have a better sense of our God given purpose. It often takes a lifetime to understand a purpose.

Like many things in late adulthood, purpose becomes less about what we have and more about who we are, less about earning accolades and more about transmitting what we have learned to the next generations, less about what must be done and more about what we desire to do.

My husband has said he hasn’t defined his purpose since he retired, and I don’t think that’s unusual. As I think about what Dan is doing, teaching math to our homeschooled grandchildren, mentoring a 1st grader, investing in our church, volunteering his time at Community Bible Study and participating in two small groups, he demonstrates a purpose of developing Christian character in children and adults. He desires to disciple others.

Our culture is inherently individualistic and has led to an expectation that each of us should discover a grand purpose for our lives. We ponder what that might be and feel like we’re missing something if we can’t quite comprehend a satisfying purpose. In my experience, that is not the way to discern one’s purpose.

Purpose is not something we set out to invent or achieve; it’s something we discover in the working, serving, living and loving.

As Rick Warren writes, it all starts with God. Reading stories in the Bible, we might get the impression that we will all get an assignment directly from the Lord, like Moses, David, or Paul, but most of us go through life somewhat cluelessly making decisions as best we can. It’s only looking back that we maybe begin to perceive a purpose.

The book of Ruth gives us a good example of a wonderful purpose that was not understood during her lifetime. She and her mother-in-law Naomi lived during the time of the Judges, which was a time of rebellion, falling under the power of hostile nations, crying out to God for relief, and God raising up a judge to defeat the enemy. Repeat. Repeat again. Israel was going down the drain.

The story of Ruth zooms in on a woman who lived lovingly, obediently, and selflessly. She was a poor foreign widow, and as far as we know God never gave her a specific assignment. She followed her mother-in-law back to Bethlehem, went gleaning in a field not knowing that the owner was Boaz, a relative of Naomi’s. Boaz instructed his workers to leave grain for Ruth to pick up and treated her well. To make a long story short, Ruth and Boaz married, had a son who became the grandfather of David and ancestor of Jesus.

Ruth simply did her best to make a living for herself and her mother-in-law. What was her purpose? Much of her life was difficult, and at the end of her life she might have said it was to love, grieve, survive, and eventually thrive. But generations later, it became clear that God had a much more significant purpose for her.

We’ll never know the full purpose of our lives this side of eternity. Life is still playing out and the influence we’ve had will not necessarily be seen in our lifetimes. Any invented purpose we had for ourselves was ridiculously short sighted.

Our purpose expands in late adulthood. When we were younger, if we thought of it at all, it was largely about the next 5 or 10 years. Now, many of us desire to pass along the wisdom we have gained throughout our lives, to show our children and grandchildren that we love them, to maintain current relationships and develop new ones, and to spiritually enrich others.

What on earth am I here for?

Rick Warren is correct; it’s not about you. The more we make it about ourselves, the less we will fulfill our God-given purpose. For Christians, our ultimate purpose is to follow Jesus and trust him to lead us to our earthly purpose, even if we don’t understand it.

…for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Philippians 2:13

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Are you one of the lucky ones who understood your purpose from a young age or are you just beginning to understand what it is?

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My husband and I attended a discussion group about the book Soundtracks by Jon Acuff a few months ago. At one point, the leader asked what soundtracks run through our minds that are not true, helpful or kind, and a woman who is retired said, “I’m too old.” Another woman seconded her comment.

They knew it wasn’t true, helpful or kind, but they still had to fight against that soundtrack. Where does that soundtrack come from?

Age is no barrier. It’s a limitation you put on your mind. ~Jackie Joyner-Kersee

I can think of a few cultural elements that tempt us to limit our minds because of our age.

Entertainment

When we see a movie or stream a series, the actors and actresses are often relatively young and they look fabulous. Movie stars are supposed to look fabulous, we tell ourselves. Then, as we brush our teeth that evening, we look in the mirror to see a face that once looked young but now shows evidence of age.

According to Stephen Follows, the average age of the top billed three actors in movies is going up by about 3 months a year. In 2019 it was 42.4, and it’s heading in the right direction, but there are still fewer late adult actors and actresses.

For a long time, the film business regarded the oldest demographic subdivision imaginable as “45 years old to death” (albeit publicly they labelled this as simply “45+” for brevity and politeness). This reflects epic ageism, the focus on movies for younger audiences and the effect cinema advertisers have on audience data collection.

Apparently, 45+ people don’t go to movies as often as younger folks. Perhaps if movies were made with good story lines and actors of all ages more people in the 45+ crowd would spend more money at the theater. I admit, when I see ads or read reviews of upcoming releases, they rarely appeal to me.

Ken Dychtwald, PhD and Robert Morison in their book, What Retirees Want: A Holistic View of Life’s Third Age recognize that ageism blinds organizations to the facts.

Today most market research, marketing dollars, and advertising dollars are still funneled toward young people. Does this make good business sense? We don’t think so. The ranks of today’s retirees are growing, and perhaps more importantly, living in new ways and eager to try all sorts of new things. But ageism continues to blind organizations and prevent them from seeing the growth potential of the retiree market. And ageism takes many forms, some of which we are so accustomed to, they become invisible.1

If you notice organizations or industries that display epic ageism, consider spending your money elsewhere.

Beauty and Fashion

The beauty industry has a financial interest in ageism, as they sell products to keep us looking young.

However, there are indications that things are changing. The fashion industry is beginning to understand that women over 50 have more disposable income to spend on their products. The New York Times article Why Fashion Suddenly Loves Older Women by Vanessa Friedman puts it this way:

Even though economists have been talking for decades about the power of what is referred to as the silver dollar or the gray market, fashion has generally given the idea short shrift in its public-facing initiatives — until now.

“The reality is that half of the spending power is in the 50-plus cohort, and half of the growth in spending power is in the 50-plus cohort,” said Gemma D’Auria, the global co-leader of the fashion, luxury and specialty retail practice at the McKinsey consulting firm. At a time when the growth of luxury has slowed or stalled, ignoring a major consumer group is simply not good strategy.

One could argue that it was never a good strategy, and now that it’s affecting the bottom-line businesses are taking notice. Money has a way of attracting attention.

Perhaps if we’re aware of anti-agist companies, we can spend our resources on their products.

Ageism is still a socially acceptable bias

My husband worked for a non-profit organization for 8 years, and they were all about racial, ethnic, and gender diversity. But they seemed to have had a blind spot when it came to ageism. He said that there were times when he felt identified as the old white guy.

Ageism is a bias that we will all face, if we’re lucky enough to reach the age when it’s obvious. When I was young, I rarely thought about old age except when my grandparents were around - I loved them, but they were old. To become old seemed light years away.

When you are treated as if you can’t handle something you have been handling for decades, chances are the offender doesn’t realize they are displaying age bias. A kind word to that effect may open their eyes to their unconscious bias.

Our own view of aging

Finally, it’s important to keep a positive view of ageing for your own health.

Becca Levy, PhD, in her book Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long & Well You Live, reports on her research showing that how we think about aging ourselves has an impact on our brain, health, and happiness. We are healthier when we have a positive view of growing older.

In study after study I conducted, I found that older people with more-positive perceptions of aging performed better physically and cognitively than those with more-negative perceptions; they were more likely to recover from severe disability, they remembered better, they walked faster, and they even lived longer.2

We are all aging, and there isn’t one day when we suddenly become old. If you’re struggling to overcome an ageist soundtrack in your mind, remember that the most important thing you can to do is remind yourself that your attitude toward aging is more influential than the entertainment, beauty and fashion industries, their advertising and random ageism you will inevitably run into.

Ageism can remind us not to trust corporations and advertising with our identities or to inform us that we’re old. As a Christian, my primary identity is not my age, looks, education, or status, but I am a beloved child of God. I trust Him.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 43:4

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Quote from: 50 Of The Best Positive Aging Quotes I Could Find

While working out in the basement on a Monday morning, with NCIS on the TV for distraction, God spoke to me. I know, it’s not the typical moment for a word from the Lord. He’s funny that way.

Let me explain.

The previous week had been quiet. Our daughter and her family were on vacation, so we didn’t have our usual Tuesday visit with them, my mom and dad were in isolation, so I didn’t see them either, and we had no social plans. Actually, I was fine with that, because the week before had been crazy and I wanted to write a few articles before we went on vacation. I thanked God for giving me extra free time.

Fine.

But by Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling down and didn’t understand why. My to-do list was complete - always satisfying - but I was tired, and I figured that was the reason. However, on Monday morning I still felt low energy, kind of depressed.

I didn’t specifically pray while doing lunges but was wondering why I felt melancholy. Suddenly, I had the answer. God didn’t speak to me audibly - I just knew - and I’ll give God the credit.

The reason I was feeling blue was that I hadn’t engaged in much social interaction the previous week. This realization reminded me of an article I wrote over a month ago on mattering based on the book Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose by Jennifer Breheny Wallace.

There’s a growing tendency in our culture to treat responsibility to others as an inconvenience, an obligation to dodge or delegate. In trying to guard against burnout or preserve autonomy, we can begin to see every task as a threat, like one more thing to manage rather than a sign that we matter. P. 40

That was an eye opener to me when I read it, for I have occasionally seen responsibility to others as an obligation rather than a pleasure. My quiet week reinforced the truth that spending time with others - from age 2 to 95 - is a privilege, often fun, and necessary for a healthy and happy life.

Finding opportunity to enter into social situations can be daunting for those who have retired and are looking for like-minded people, purpose, and a place to get involved. For those who don’t have children or grandchildren nearby and/or are not involved in a church or another organization that offers activity, it’s easy to see how they might go down a rabbit hole of unhappiness.

The lack of social connection poses a significant risk for individual health and longevity. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26% and 29% respectively. More broadly, lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.1

Also, AI tells me that recent data has shown that Americans over 65 spend an average of 4 hours and 20 minutes a day watching TV. My guess is there is a connection between lack of face-to-face communication with others, loneliness, depression, and excessive television.

It’s easier to get comfy, stay home, read a book, or stream a series than it is to entertain or meet a friend for dinner. Sometimes, fortunately not all the time, it’s easier to live in my own head than it is to let others’ thoughts and ideas crack the fortress of my thinking.

I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating: Social engagement is key to highly functional and purposeful late adult years.

The trick is to find the right balance between social opportunities and rest. My husband is an introvert, and we both had to make serious adjustments to our social planning when we got married. When our calendar had one commitment on the weekend, he declared it busy and had no room for anything else. I was amazed. I am a just over the line extravert, and my idea of a busy weekend included three or more activities. I enjoyed them all.

My husband has become more extraverted, and I’ve become more introverted over the years. We’ve become more comfortable with who we are, are not as focused on building relationships as we were in younger years, extraverts become a bit less extraverted and everyone becomes more introverted. I believe my husband has become more open to relationships than he was earlier in life. He’s still an introvert, but he understands the benefits of relationships. I’m still an extravert, as my quiet week reminded me, but I still need time by myself.

As we age, we have less emotional and physical energy and may need more time to recover from the stress of social activity. The trick is to find balance. Sometimes it’s out of our control, and we recognize that some weeks will be socially jammed and others will be way too quiet. I feel like Goldilocks. At times our social calendar is too big and other times it’s too small. Once in a while, it’s just right.

It takes intentionality and effort to keep in touch with friends, spend time with family, and give yourself opportunities to develop new relationships, and while it’s extremely rewarding it can also be exhausting. Quiet weeks can be helpful.

My quiet week taught me to enjoy every energizing opportunity to interact with others and to accept quiet weeks as necessary time to rest, talk to God, and be refreshed.

So, I renewed my commitment to enjoy each day and count my blessings, and thank God for family, friends, acquaintances, purpose and for quiet days to spend more time with Him. Maybe I won’t feel quite so blue the next time I have a quiet week.

God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Psalm 23:1-3 The Message

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Are you an extravert or an introvert? What is your just right schedule?

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The Titanic collided with a 100,000-year-old iceberg that is estimated to have come from Greenland, or so AI says, and the results were disastrous. The unsinkable ship sank.

We don’t want our late adulthood years to sink because we haven’t looked below the surface and dealt with unrealistic expectations or miscommunication until it’s too late.

Cyn Meyer, in her book The Rewire Retirement Method: From Aimless to Amazing, describes the approach many take to retirement as an iceberg with financial planning above the water and many important aspects under the surface.

You have the traditional Financial Panning topic on top, and below the surface are massively important factors that remain invisible, such as purpose, passions, contribution, freedom, self-care, spirituality, sense of belonging, accomplishments, feeling relevant, spontaneity, relationships, love and self-actualization. p. 59

That’s quite a list of unexamined facets of retirement. Today we’ll consider relationships, specifically family relationships.

My husband retired for the first time before age 50. We had discussed the financial implications, and I roughly knew what he intended to do with his time, but I don’t remember having conversations about what it would mean for our daily lives.

We hadn’t thought about the myriad ways that retirement would affect our personal plans and came to realize that it would have been advantageous to have looked under the surface of the retirement iceberg earlier. Thankfully, we understood much more when he retired for the second time.

Relationships with children

The first time he retired our children were still home and thought it was cool that their dad was more available. No problems whatsoever. We don’t have any issues with our adult kids now either, but I imagine that some adult children might have inaccurate assumptions about availability for childcare or other assistance when their parents retire.

On the other hand, it’s possible that retirees want to spend more time with their children and grandchildren than the children have available, which can cause conflict.

In both of these cases, chances are that there is more under the surface that needs to be examined. I did a little research on the Iceberg Model - never knew there was such a thing - and found websites such as this one and this one that have helpful information. There are multiple patterns, systems, structures and mental models that can complicate issues surrounding an event, such as retirement.

Retirement is a big enough adjustment without family conflict entering the picture. It’s a good idea to have a conversation with family members before retirement, or at least before any problems arise. Ask your children what their expectations are and discuss your plans and availability. If there is disagreement, ask questions, listen attentively, and attempt to understand their position. Then spell out your constraints, availability, and desires. Even if the conversation is difficult, it’s out in the open, and hopefully you will be able to work it out before it becomes a serious problem.

When our daughter was expecting their first child, she asked us if we could take care of him one day a week. We gave an enthusiastic answer of yes, and we’ve been doing that for 15 years and 3 more children. It’s been a delight. If she had asked for full time or even 2 or 3 days a week, I think we would have balked. I appreciated that she asked for one day a week; it was perfect.

Relationship with your spouse

When Dan retired the first time, it hadn’t occurred to me that we had different ideas about how we’d spend our time. I assumed that my schedule would continue as it was. I’m not sure why I made that assumption, but I quickly realized that it was incorrect. It would have been wise to discuss this before he retired.

Perhaps your spouse has retired but you haven’t, or vice versa, and there’s conflict over retirement status. Or maybe you’re both retired but have different views of what retirement looks like. Either way, it can be challenging.

Gray divorce, defined as divorce among those over age 50, has been accelerating in recent years. There are many factors attributing to gray divorce, but unresolved issues around retirement certainly wouldn’t help.

Whereas fewer than one in 10 people divorcing in 1970, 1980, and 1990 were aged 50 or older, by 2010 the share was one in four. As of 2019, one in three people getting divorced in the United States was aged 50 or older, a vivid illustration of the graying of divorce.1

Once again, I suspect there are issues under the iceberg that need to be brought into the open. What are your desires for retirement? How do your desires match with your partner’s? If one wants to see the world and the other would rather stay home, that will necessitate a conversation and some compromise. It could be that such a difference of opinion has been a problem previously in the relationship but was never resolved. Retirement can bring things to a boiling point.

Counseling would be extremely helpful, perhaps necessary, to work through the emotions and challenges that retirement may raise.

Late adulthood is an opportunity to examine feelings that have been ignored or stuffed under the iceberg for decades. Communication is essential and counseling may be advantageous. Uncomfortable conversations and difficult realizations may lead to healthier relationships and smoother sailing for these wonderful years of late adulthood.

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Have you faced any relational challenges in late adulthood? If so, were you surprised by them?

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