In a balancing yoga pose gripping with the toes or fingers wastes energy and shifts focus usually resulting in falling out of the pose. When I practice tree pose for instance instructors will often say to root down through the four corners of your feet and it’s ok if you sway, even rooted trees so that.

I learned that the 2nd day of school was the best time for a bronchoscopy to investigate what was causing parts of my lungs to look cloudy on the scans. This was tough! My initial reaction was gripping, but I found a way to ground down, get a sub, prioritize my health, and support my kids with the help of my family and community.

I had been hoping that the start of the school year would feel so different and rather than having a procedure on day one as I had last year, I was headed in for one on day 2. However, I felt so much more well this year, and after a weekend of recovery I was ready for a full week of school. As I flash back often to a traumatic august 2025, I  feel so much gratitude for the basic routines this year. The boys having such a strong start in 3rd and 6th grade is a tremendous blessing!  Driving Cruz to school each morning on his own, and picking Koda up on his own each afternoon have become treasured time together! My students are so inspiring. Some have begun to share their stories and even their faith with me and I feel so blessed to get to know them.

Thankfully I got to make it through the first two full weeks of teaching  without chemo. I felt so energetic! I had a round of antibiotics to treat the bacterial infection that was determined by the bronchoscopy. Chemo was able to resume last Saturday. I’m now through day 5 and feeling my energy start to return. I don’t have a cough anymore and will have a CT scan in a few weeks to be sure my lungs are now totally clear.

When I notice side-effects or fear the unpredictability of my future appointments, I need to ground myself in the moment, root down into the source of what brings me and others joy and hope. When I’m rooted in the routines, and the rhythm of everyday life, I feel so much more peaceful and purposeful.  When I’m grounding and rooting down I’m able to bring nutrients to my body, calm my mind, and allow my spirit to bear fruit.

I’ve been sinking my roots down deeply over the past few weeks. I’m praying that this will bear the fruit of the spirit that is the purpose of my life. I’m praying that I can avoid the feeling of gripping and rather feel grounded in basic daily and weekly routines,  prioritizing time intentionally, and staying as mindfully focused on the present as possible.

My career as an educator has taught me that there are several types of learning outcomes; two of which are content knowledge and skills.

Content knowledge is something that can be internalized and sometimes memorized and can be tested. Examples include learning the elements on the periodic table, or when to use a semi-colon. It’s possible that content knowledge mastery can be demonstrated and then without application or over time the content knowledge is not retained.

Skills are transferable, they’re more difficult (but not impossible) to assess, and skill development requires more creative instruction, relevant and applicable to life. Examples include: critical thinking, communication, and collaboration. Once developed, skills, are not often lost and can continue to be built upon as a life-long learner.

My cells are rockin’ it when it comes to content knowledge mastery! The chemo and targeted treatment I’ve been on for almost a year have been extremely effective at teaching which types of cells are appropriate in which environments. The healthy cells are growing and healing and the cancerous ones are disappearing. Hallelujah!

My most recent PET scan showed that there “continues to be a sustained response to therapy”. The report which covered the base of my skull to my toes said, “normal” 12 times! My liver shows signs of healing and no cancer, my bones show signs of healing and no cancer. Normal is what I want to see on my report card!

Now the prayer is that the content knowledge is retained. That my body has learned these lessons for the long term. This is not guaranteed and for the foreseeable future, refresher lessons in the form of targeted therapy and chemotherapy  are the  plan every three weeks.

Skills instruction is an integral part of this lesson plan too, for two reasons: 1)there can be interruptions to the every three weeks schedule and 2)because I want to teach the terrain of my mind, body, and spirit to be inhospitable to cancer cells.

The lesson plan will emphasize skill development while my treatment is delayed again this round. My treatment can exacerbate infection in the lungs so to maintain my wellness, I’ll start working with a pulmonologist to understand the source of some abnormality the PET and CT scans are showing in my lungs. It is unlikely to be cancer, but we need to have a better understanding of what it is.

Dr Kelly Turner’s research resulted in 10 healing factors, they’re outlined in The book, “Radical remission” and the follow up book “Radical Hope”. These are the skills I’m developing:

• Embracing empowerment

• Listening to intuition

• Deepening spiritual connection

• Having reasons to live

• Increasing positive emotions

• Releasing suppressed emotions

• Finding social support

• Shifting diet

• Incorporating supplements

• Implementing exercise

I’m blessed to have the opportunity to start school this week which inspires so many positive emotions. My deepening spiritual connection helps me to recognize that it’s  God’s plan that I not have chemo the night before the first day of school as it was originally scheduled. I pray that I can continue to trust my intuition which tells me the cancer is gone, I am healing, and my energy now goes to managing my tolerance of the treatment while I maintain my wellness. I feel empowered and so much gratitude for all of this miraculous healing.

Incorporating the skills associated with these healing factors requires significant energy and faith. I need all the ripples of prayer to keep me rooted in the Holy Spirit, the life source for my teaching and learning both in the classroom and in my mind, body, and spirit.

In the Bible, the word shalom is most commonly used to refer to a state of affairs, one of well-being, tranquility, prosperity, and security, circumstances unblemished by any sort of defect. Shalom is a blessing, a manifestation of divine grace. https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/shalom/

I had my brain mri last week. With the exception of the IV, during the scan I felt VERY calm throughout with Ativan in my system, and thanks to the Holy Spirit peace that passes understanding  - Shalom - down in my heart.

After a swim in their pool, my parents and I read the results of the MRI on the Fourth of July and said hallelujah! My doctor’s email describing the results said in bold font:

“No evidence of progressive or recurrent disease” many people have been praying for these words and I’m so immensely grateful for the shalom this brings to my life. It’s comforting to think how old this word and concept is and that people have been seeking and sharing shalom well before the birth of our young country.

These MRI results are by the grace of God. My faith was not unwavering. It was a hard week leading up to the scan. We were all unsettled for several reasons and for me it was hard to be with my own thoughts. The ancient word shalom kept coming to mind along with the fact that when I focused outside of myself on sharing love and shalom with others I could quiet my mind.

Chandler and the boys were heading to Maine a few days before me so they could make the most of Chandler’s vacation days with his family while I stayed back for treatment. The fact that I was not going at the same time was different but not insurmountable. As it turned out… I had a one week delay from treatment due to a 3 cm nodule in my lungs that according to a pulmonologist’s assessment of the CT scan looked like early pneumonia. The treatment was antibiotics for five days and a delay of chemo. I felt completely well other than a sporadic cough chandler had noticed and encouraged me to have checked out. The chemo I am on has a known side effect of causing inflammation in the lungs. So no matter what the nodule was, my lungs were telling us that I just needed a little break. After the antibiotics I got to feel sooooo well for a few days with my parents and a bonus 4th week between treatments while we adventured with family and close friends in Maine.

The nights leading up to the MRI  were when my mind raced. This is not typical for me. I’m usually a great sleeper. I found that what eventually allowed me to relax was picturing my classroom and welcoming my students with “shalom”! I planned out desk arrangements, classroom layout and organizational tools in my mind. Imagining setting up a mini kitchen and living room and a comfy calming corner in my classroom allowed me to look forward to having a classroom that welcomes my students with shalom as well a space that says shalom to Cruz  and his 6th grader friends.

While chandler and the boys were gone, I felt shalom as my parents cared for me and planned peaceful grounding days for me including yoga, horses, swimming, hiking and visiting with family who bring me strength and confidence. I felt shalom in the hugs of friends and family in Maine who have been praying for me and my in laws who hosted us so generously in their homes and on their boats, who cared for us and nourished us. On both coasts I got to share the report of answered prayers “No evidence of progressive or recurrent disease” in my brain. I have so much gratitude for the ripples of prayer that continue to propel me, Chandler, and our kids.

We’ve been in this chapter of this journey for almost a year now. July 22nd 2025 was when I broke my leg, and the first day of school last year was the day I had my biopsy. July 30th, a week before school starts this year will be my next PET scan. I’m praying my family can keep our minds in the moment not the past and trust that this year the end of summer and the start of the school year will be different. This time full of opportunities to seek and share shalom.  First… let’s not forget, we have several more weeks of summer to relish!

deep in my heart, down in my bones, deep in my soul.

The new cadence of the tests and treatments in my life causes me to schedule and schedule and re-schedule.

Some nights I go to bed scared or overwhelmed, but each morning I wake up filled with gratitude to start again.

Each day of summer break has been an opportunity to intentionally seek joy. I LOVE having school break to give all my attention to my family and this summer I’m more aware of also caring for myself.

I’m praying for peace during my upcoming Brain MRI on July 2nd. There has been an unchanged (probably scar tissue) spot appearing on scans since my first radio-surgery, and this scan will check the resolution of the even smaller little dots that were treated with radiation this spring. I expect they will have resolved and appear smaller or invisible. The radiation oncologist told me at the end of our last appointment in the Spring, “We’ll see the results in July, Go enJOY your summer” and I have taken that prescription to heart!

Joy for my brain, heart, bones, and soul looks like:

Riding Horses with Cruz, my parents, my sister, and niece through meadows surrounded by the Eastern Sierras. At the end of the day we all layed down surrounded by green pastures. We woke up so grateful each morning at sunrise to watch almost two hundred horses run across the pasture  = JOY

We were led to our condo in San Diego beside the still waters of mission bay for Father’s Day where we celebrated Chandler with a fishing trip and my dad with a boating and beaching day. We hosted friends who surfed the day away with us and joined us to jet ski surrounded by dolphins at sunset = JOY

On our days at home I’ve enJOYed  family time riding rollercoasters, hiking, riding horses, watching World Cup games, and lots of playing in the pool on long summer days. As I eagerly await a PET scan on July 29th that may be the one that miraculously shows no evidence of disease, this summer, my cup overflows with JOY

🎶can’t steal my joy - by Josiah queen🎶

In the valley of the shadow

I got a feeling it's the season that'll make me grow

I'm still breathing, I got praise in my lungs

And a choir in my soul

Can't steal my joy

Can't steal my joy

What the world couldn't give, no, it can't take away

Sorrow may come but it can't

Steal my joy

Can't steal my joy

In the high highs, in the low lows

You fill my cup, You fill it up until it overflows

I remember, I'll keep holding on to hope

'Cause you're the King of rolling stones

Can't steal my joy (can't steal my)

Can't steal my joy, no, no, no, no

Can't steal my joy, joy, joy down in my heart

Down in my soul, deep in my bones

I got the joy, joy, joy I can't contain

Nothing can quiet my praise

Hope is not naive optimism, it’s not a wish  it’s not sunshine and rainbows all the time, I learned that it is envisioning eagerly and trusting that a future reality is already destined to be. One of my dear cousins introduced me to the phrase “use your holy imagination”. I love this idea of imagining the best case scenario in which we KNOW that in ALL things God works for the good…

There have been moments since my brain MRI and subsequent radiation treatment where fear creeps in.  When I feel scared about the future for a moment, I have no power in the present and I need a hopeful image of the future that can replace the fearful one. I want to learn more about manifesting so that I have a place to go in my mind in those scary moments to restore my hope with my holy imagination. 

Over the past three months I practiced manifesting the results of the PET scan. I was pointed to a resource for Guided meditations by an important mentor. The guided meditations directed me to picture where I would be sitting when I received the results, what they would say, how I would feel physically and emotionally, and how I would breathe. 

I prayed for and requested prayer for a scan that would provide evidence of the continued healing that I felt and believed was promised. I visualized results that showed less cancer than the one before. I expected that I would move closer to no evidence of disease and radical remission. In my holy imagination it would be a warm Spring day and I would be sitting on my back patio receiving incredible results, feeling relief, breathing deeply and peacefully. 

I was notified that I had PET scan results about 14 hours before I read them. I did not look at my phone in bed that night. I went to work wearing a Springy dress and through the work day felt eager anticipation. Once I had the mental space I sat on my back patio  surrounded by the sights and sounds of Spring, took a deep breath and read the words “favorable treatment response”… “lesions metabolically resolved”. The report went on to explain that cancer in my lymph nodes has completely resolved, cancer in my lungs has completely resolved, cancer in my bones has completely resolved. Cancer in my liver is ALMOST completely resolved.

In the call with my care team later that afternoon, I said “my family thinks the results couldn’t be much better than this, but I think that I want to hear someone say the words ‘no evidence of disease’. “How close are we to that?” She said “you’ve had an ‘incredible’ response and we are VERY close”. 

Now as I learn more about the power of my holy imagination I’ll be setting my sights on “no evidence of disease” in the brain MRI and PET scans in July, I’ll need ripples of prayer for continued tolerance to ongoing treatment and for this incredible response to also having a long lasting duration. For now, I will be reveling in all the gifts of Spring that we have received and continue to receive.

This is a song I’ve been listing to since Easter that makes me feel so blessed this Spring:

We will sing a new song

'Cause death is dead and gone with the winter

We will sing a new song

Let "Hallelujah's" flow like a river

We're coming back to life

Reaching toward the light

Your love is like springtime

You're the living water

God, we thirst for You

The dry and the barren

Will flower and bloom

You're the sun that's shining

You restore my soul

The deeper You call us

Oh, the deeper we'll go

https://open.spotify.com/track/0TmYlHDVP4gUTkUbl7AIsv?si=Tk6NnbrDTGWwBO0K-ZJ9cw&pi=PP8WUECeS0-h6

Riding horses causes soreness, occasional scary moments, and sometimes painful falls but also an indescribable amount of joy, connection, and peace. Being in the saddle for all of it, is worth it for me. To experience the joy, connection, and peace that comes with living life fully, I’ve determined that I can’t wait for a time when there will be no risk of suffering, pain, or fear, because that time will never come.

My friend and I have been spending a lot of time with a horse (appropriately) named Angel. We bring our six kids to the ranch to ride hoping they’ll love horses as much as we do. While they take turns, those that are not riding spend precious unstructured wild and free time in nature. I’ve been hiking the hills of the ranch and running alongside the horse and waiting for “one more” x-ray and “one more” bone scan to prove I was ready to get back in the saddle. The conclusive x-Ray and bone scan haven’t come to fruition yet… but My dad encouraged me when he said, “if you feel strong I think you’ll be ok, when’s the last time you fell off of a horse?” Chandler gave me courage by reminding me of all of the swimming, surfing, running and horseback riding I did last summer. It’s true that I had eagerly and safely done much more risky riding last June without knowing there was cancer weakening my bones and looking back that was worth it! So- I got back in the saddle. The first two times were little 5-10 minute rides that felt amazing especially because I was sharing the moments with my kids, our friends, and even my nieces, nephew, and sister.

When the opportunity arose to ride with my parents (both skilled riders!) I was feeling up for the challenge. God wanted to remind me that this activity does not come without the need to trust him. When we arrived at the ranch, I went to check on Angel. She was in a lesson with a little girl and right as I walked up something spooked her. She got scared, hopped around a bit, took a quick turn and the little girl fell off. The little girl was ok and brave- she got up, hugged the horse, then after her teacher changed locations, she got back in the saddle.

When she was done, I took the reins and took the horse back to the area where she was scared, but this time in the comfort of a group (aka herd) with my parents and their horses. I got in the saddle feeling calm and confident, walked away from the mounting block and then turned around to see my dad’s horse get spooked. After battling to stay on for several seconds, my dad fell off. My dad’s horse mellowed out and stayed near him as he recovered. My dad dusted off, hopped back in the saddle, and had an excellent ride- riding just as confidently and fast as he usually does these days.

I was nervous, for my dad and for myself. I had to channel all the calm energy I could to keep myself and my horse balanced. I stayed within my comfort zone as I rode for 40 minutes. I felt successful and that Angel and I had given one another a great lesson - But we had one more to learn. As we were about to exit the arena (in the same corner that scared her before) she spooked again. I told my parents that I had reached my risk taking limit and decided that rather than ride her out and around the ranch with them I’d take her do another calm, walking lap around the arena. After that, I dismounted in the arena and took off her bridle. I told her owner/our teacher that I would let Angel graze in the area where she had been scared so that we BOTH remember that this is a place where we can be calm. I felt grounded there on the ground next to her as she munched grass and relaxed in a little green pasture.

I’m taking some risks to get back in the saddle these days. Each thing I step back into after 6+ months of cocooning myself to prioritize my health comes with challenges to my balance and wellness. I’m back in the saddle at work, I’m back in the saddle as a mom and a wife, I’m back in the saddle as a friend, and a traveler.

The same swings between calm confidence and fear and suffering that occurred in the saddle over the weekend, have occurred in life for me too. Just before spring break I had another Radio surgery on a 3 mm lesion in my brain. Just as I had started to feel calm and confident about this decision, about two days before the procedure, the radiologist let me know that he had taken my case to the regional tumor board and many other doctors had weighed in convincing him that there were in fact, three other smaller lesions that should also be treated. There was fear and suffering that week but to have the opportunity to keep living life in the saddle, I mustered up the courage to lay still while those little tumors were zapped.

After that, God led me beside still waters to restore my soul in San Diego and due to all of the ripples of prayer the stars aligned for my treatment to take place down there. We spent spring break in the condo on Mission Bay that has brought chandler and I so much joy. We got to share this joy with our boys and made some precious memories jet skiing, playing beach side basketball, and riding some waves.

As I ride along down this path, I’m fixing my gaze and my intention on the pet scan scheduled for April 28. At this moment from my perch in the saddle, I’m feeling calm confidence as I pray for the miracles and the glory of God to continue to be revealed as this scan shows less cancer than the one before. I’m continuing to ride toward no evidence of disease and it feels good to be back in the saddle to live life so fully on the way.

All other indications and evidence lead me to believe that my treatment is continuing to be successful. I’m heading down the path of a CT scan today and then radiation next week to treat this new little tumor. The vast majority of the cancer cells that were in my body have responded well to the instructions given by my targeted treatment. My chemo treatment should also cross the blood brain barrier so the cancer cells in the brain should understand that they can no longer cross that line. The radiation oncologist thinks that this breakthrough growth is a fluke rather than a sign that the treatment is not working.

As I’ve gone back to teaching I’ve encountered a class that is unsettled and has been lacking the stability that comes with clear expectations. I’ve tried to be very firm setting boundaries for behavior as I believe these boundaries create a safe environment that is predictable. The brain is a place where firm clear lines are critical. Just like in the classroom there are behaviors and areas that are off limits and crossing the line leads to a consequence. I need a fully functioning brain and the thought that cancer could still cross the line into this area of my body and potentially impact the efficacy of my brain scares me.

Physically, I feel well. This little tumor is not causing me any symptoms, and I believe it will fully go away with radiation just as two other 2mm ones before it have done. Emotionally, I feel some fear, and as it creeps in I try to focus on all that is going well. I know God tells us when we seek him he will deliver us from our fear and he’ll answer our prayers and that when we look to him our faces will be radiant rather than ashamed. So spiritually, I am trying to look to him with a face that it radiant with joy and hope. As the joy and hope increase the fear decreases and I feel my faith becoming bigger.

I believe that the Holy Spirit is leading me down a path that leads to radical remission. I’m praying with each scan that there will be results that show no evidence of disease. Through this healing process, I am summoning up Faith the size of a mustard seed and I know that will be bigger than my fear.

• Luke 17:6 “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you”

• Psalms 34:4 I prayed to the Lord and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with Joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the lord in my suffering and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them.

It started with a welcome back sign and banner by my door, a sweet note, squeals, tears, hugs and fist bumps from prior students, flowers from friends. Week one was full of laying the groundwork for routines and expectations. It also included lab work Monday, chemo Wednesday, and hydration Friday. I learned students names, they created art and writing that shined light on who they are. I took naps after school on Tuesday and Thursday. Selah

I took the keys to both cars to work, and chandler graciously Ubered the kids to school. I drove over a metal stake and got a flat tire, my parents picked the kids up while I switched cars to go to my appointment. I was off on the appointment time for chemo by 15 minutes and my dad met me in the parking lot at school with lunch so I wouldn’t be late. During chemo my dad helped me learn more about the safety net of long term disability. After school we had basketball, and soccer practices where I could walk and watch. Through the week students tested boundaries, then on Friday they rose to meet expectations. Selah

The weekend brought a treasured visit from my sister and giggles from my nephew. Family meals with them and mom and dad were a treat. Walking talking, a Baseball game, a soccer game, pool time and sleeping in. Selah

Week two, I went to a staff meeting but first came home to eat and sleep to make it through. I couldn’t speak when they welcomed me back, so I wrote an email to all to invite open and honest conversation about my absence and the miracles that have allowed my return. I needed to thank the team for supporting students the majority of this year. Teacher, admin, and counselor friends routinely checked in to continue to support me and to see how I was doing through the week. My parents and sister picked the boys up on Monday for a fun afternoon followed by Family dinner at my parents’. Selah

Koda hurt his ankle on Monday so visits to the school nurse during the week were plentiful as were calls to me during class. Courtney and Anders came to play at Tuesday soccer practice and we said good bye. Side effects rose their head that night and I threw up at dinner time. Their flight was changed and we got a bonus afternoon with her and Anders and they came with us to our Life Group gathering. Selah

Chandler spent a night away for work and my dad helped with Chandler’s part of the morning routine. Students are settling into our new rhythm and we are now practicing for our state language proficiency test. The progress in my classroom is feeling rewarding and it’s so nice to have my professional work to think about. Some x-rays for Koda on Thursday and rest and healing coming up for him this next week. Individual time with both Cruz and Koda have made me so happy and proud to be their mama. Selah

The week wrapped up on Friday with students demonstrating new skills and stronger relationships but also with me throwing up in my classroom trash can after they left. I woke up early and the work between 7:50 and 1:00 felt worth doing. Next week I get to try again to figure out this Mon-Fri rhythm …day by day. But before that, I get a weekend, Chandler has spent hours with the boys at a card convention. I swam yesterday and this afternoon I get to spend time in the green pastures in the hills. Selah

These past two weeks back in the work routine have felt like the old normal with the new normal layered in and the Holy Spirit inviting itself into the “Selah”…… My students give me energy, purpose, challenge AND at the start of each class we stop - get silent -and mindfully breathe together.

In various spiritual and medicinal traditions, the energetic channel through the spine is considered the “superhighway” for energy to flow connecting physical health to higher consciousness. I learned about this through yoga, but thought I’d heard it was true of Chinese medicine too… so as I’ve been praying for mild side-effects from radiation I’ve been curiously doing some research. I’ve had some very manageable soreness, fatigue, and heartburn from the radiation and it is all worth it for the near future reality of less pain, and a clear healthy strong channel running my spine.

Here are some things I’ve learned about the spiritual significance of the spine.

Yogic/Hindu Tradition

The Sushumna Nadi is the central energy pathway in Vedic and Yogic philosophy. It is described as a hollow canal running through the center of the spinal cord

Traditional Chinese Medicine

The meridian along the spine is referred to as The Governing Vessel (Du Mai). Commonly known as the “Sea of Yang,” this meridian is the central energy channel for the back and the body’s warming, active energy. It governs all “Yang” meridians in the body, influencing metabolism, circulation, and immune function.

Tibetan Buddhism

In Vajrayana Buddhism, the central channel is known as Avadhūtī (Tibetan: Uma). It is often visualized as a hollow tube of light, sometimes described as being slightly in front of the physical spine.

The Bible

Luke 13:10-13 NIV (New International Version On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

I’ve spent 6 months devoted to learning what I need to in order to teach some cells in my body to stop replicating and blocking my body from functioning. I’ve been able to establish a balanced environment in which healthy cells can heal damaged tissue and bone. This has been physically, emotionally, and spiritually challenging and required so much focus and support. As I layer back on more of life, none of this new normal health stuff ends… I just have to test out how much I can do while still meeting the physical, emotional and spiritual challenges. After managing the first week of side effects from my new treatment and 5 days in a row of radiation I was so thrilled and grateful to be able to go to San Diego with the boys and Chandler and so comforted to have my parents with us for the first few days, both to enjoy the trip with us and to allow chandler and I to go to our second opinion appt at UCSD in person… (more on that in another post). The ways in which things have worked out for us over the past few months have been lessons for me that my body is simply a channel for the work of the Holy Spirit I am blessed to continue to live in this body. I feel more ready and open now to channel Love and Light into my community through my work.

Last week, my dad helped me set up my classroom and our dear friends loaned us an excellent air purifier. I’ll be giving returning to my classroom a try on Monday. I feel like a new student- I’m nervous, but really excited! I’m nervous for the adjustment as I try to maintain balance. I’m excited to see my students and the team of educators I work with. I’m excited for the normalcy this will bring to my family and hopeful it will bring confidence too as they see me able to live more fully while staying healthy.

I’ve decided to start next week as if it’s the beginning of the school year. However in this case I’ll be standing up straight without crutches, with SO much less cancer in my body, and healed in so many ways. We’ll start with a unit called “shine a light on me”. I can’t wait see what each of my students chooses to illuminate and share with the class and it will be interesting to see what they choose to ask me and each other to shine a light on as we all get re-acquainted. Next week I’ll be an open channel ready to share Light and Love. I have no doubt that there will be Light guiding my path, angels in the hallway to lean on, and so many ripples of prayers giving me energy.

We took a funny before picture, then Koda used the scissors and took a big snip. With the rest of my hair in his hand he giggled and danced. He made it so light hearted, fun and silly and was so excited to use the clippers that the gravity of the moment did not feel heavy. I said aloud yet another thing that I never expected to say in my life, “my seven year old son shaved my head.”

I love hats and I’m glad it’s hat season. A hat on a bald head with big earrings is my preferred look. The moments I want a wig are when a hat is not appropriate. I like that a wig helps to not call attention to disease. A bald head makes an announcement that I don’t want to make all the time. Around Thanksgiving, My decisive sister helped me find a wig that looks and feels enough like me. I don’t mind my bald head but I don’t like the effect it has on others.

Chandler is encouraging of whatever is comfortable for me and thinks the idea of trying different wigs could be fun. Cruz is triggered by the sight of my head without the hair he is used to, and has been critical of the wigs I have tried. According to Cruz, a wig looks fake and a bald head looks sick. He is adjusting to the idea of wig now better than the bald head. Koda often takes off my hat and throws it and then curiously inspects my head to see if hair is growing. He also longingly looks at pictures of my old hair, he prefers my head that now has some short hair to the wig.

I have two wigs now. My philosophy so far has been to wear them for events when I want to conserve my mental energy and not have the reaction to my appearance inspire conversations about cancer and treatment. Over the long-term, I don’t want to go back and forth between the wig and no wig look. My plan at the moment is that when I go back to work I will wear my longer wig full time. Everyone will get used to it! I’ll start long so I can go to shorter wigs over time. It’ll be more natural to get a “haircut” than to suddenly have longer hair.

My body has reminded me that it doesn’t like to respond to things in predictable ways, odds and statistics don’t really apply… my hair is a metaphor for that… it was unlikely it would fall out on this treatment and yet it did… it was unlikely it would ever grow back… and yet it is (slowly). I started a new targeted treatment which has a higher likelihood of hair loss associated and yet, I have no predictions as to whether my new short hair will fall out again or not… if it continues to grow, maybe I’ll have a pixie haircut by summer… or maybe I’ll have no hair… and we’ll find out who cares…

Losing my hair and being unsure whether it would ever come back is one of the losses I grieve… and the fluffy bit of hair growing back is a symbol of hope. It remains to be seen if these past few months of growth were a fluke, a last hoorah, or an indication of more future ability to overcome the odds.

I’m working on adjusting to yet another new “normal” each week and deciding whether I care about having no hair week by week and day by day. We were praying that God would make it clear whether starting back to work on the 9th was the right timing and it has been made clear - that was not the right date. I’ve delayed going back to work until Feb 23rd. I was gifted leave by members of my union, and this will allow my insurance benefits to continue to be covered. I learned that next week I’m able to have radiation on the one vertebra in my spine that has not responded as well to targeted chemo and I’ll go in for 5 rounds 5 days in a row. My back and rib cage pain is really my only cancer-related discomfort and it is exciting to think this may alleviate it and prevent any further damage to the bone.

This week (hats and big earrings) was recover from the tummy bug passing through our house (Go white blood cells! Way to do your job!) Huge thanks to my mom and dad and all the ripples of prayer that carried us through - we did it and I was able to stay on schedule for enhertu treatment including the addition of perjeta (an additional targeted therapy).

The week of Feb 9th will be Radiation week (comfy hats) and I’ll stop in at my school to get organized and plan a bit (with my wig on).

The week of Feb 16th (back to hats and big earrings) will be school break and we’ll pack in some family fun during my most high energy week… and also have the opportunity to get a second opinion from a UCSD doctor.

The week of Feb 23rd I’ll see what it feels like to go back to work (And transition to the wig daily.)

Through these next few weeks I’ll be striving to keep my head where my feet are (whether it has hair or not)

While waiting to see results confirm what I already knew, I ate nutritious food, took a deep nap, and then played basketball with my kids. I felt a deep confidence but an antsy feeling as well. I did need the distractions to make the day pass by.

The earthly evidence of heavenly power was shared later the same day as the scan in test results full of medical terms that I partially understood… “interval resolution of lymph nodes”, “near interval resolution of nodules in the lungs”, “moderately hyper metabolic lesions and masses” remain in a small section of the liver, and “interval improvement in the bones”. - this seemed positive, but I needed a doctor’s interpretation.

The following day, My (new) oncologist showed Chandler and I three side by side black and white images that were worth a 1000 words. We saw a drastic change! The initial August image was marred with blotches of black across my torso and hips, in the second October image most blotches had faded to a dark gray, and in the third image we had to zoom in to see where the black dots of active cancer cells are now localized on my liver and spine… We expect this is still not yet a full response, with more treatment, and continued miracles, we expect even better results. My oncologist anticipated the questions I would ask and clearly communicated with love and hope Her reaction to this scan was that it was “super encouraging”.

The most significant area of remaining disease is in one of my vertebrae (T9). It is likely I will do radiation to relieve pain and ensure this area is responding like all others. I do have back pain and pain through my rib cage that I’m praying I can respond to appropriately. I’m often playing tug-of-war in my mind a to find the balance between being safe and being confident.

What an all-consuming and powerful experience to be teaching all these cells the appropriate way to behave in my body. The cancer cells are responding to the loving nudges to stop replicating. Also, the self-love of food, rest, and movement, as well as the supportive community love is helping healthy cells learn to regenerate and heal too. Red blood cells, white blood cells, and scar tissue are doing their jobs. I know the infusions I have every three weeks are working and are a gift. I also know this healing that is possible with the power Holy Spirit requires the participation of the mind, body, and soul.

God has been pouring out his power and love on my life. The power and love of prayer, of supportive messages, of friendships, walk and talks, and car rides are fueling my healing and keeping my light bright. As I continue to move forward into more unknown and methods of healing I take comfort in the fact that the results of last weeks scan are shining in the light of his glory.

Upcoming:

-second appointment with a naturopathic doctor on jan 27th

-next treatment including an additional Monoclonal antibody is Feb 3rd (pending labs on the 1st)

-(God willing) my fist day back at work will be Feb 9th

With his feathers he will cover you, and under his wings you will find refuge. His truth will be your shield and armor. -Psalm 91:4

I have been so protected. In August, a piece of my femur was broken, there was fluid around my heart, and in my lungs. My liver was swollen across the width of my torso. Cancer was discovered in my liver, bones, and brain. Cancer cells were traveling through my bloodstream and lymphatic system, and yet I’m starting off 2026 living life abundantly. I no longer use crutches, I no longer cough, my back almost never hurts. On most days, I don’t feel good - I feel great. I can play with my kids again. I can walk and swim for exercise. To get to this point I have been tucked under the wing of the Holy Spirit.

I’m immunocompromised and I’ve been shielded from illness. I have simplified my life and taken very few risks when it comes to exposure to illnesses. I was scared going into this colder rainier season that brings with it more indoor gatherings and more sickness. I prayed for God to shield me from germs.

I faced a lot of fears, leading up to Christmas about exposure to germs. I was really nervous about the idea of getting sick over the holidays. These are the days I have been working so hard to be well for and I didn’t want to end up missing them in the hospital.

We were protected. Over the holiday season, we were blessed with so many joyful, magical moments. A cousin-filled Christmas and the days leading up to it with my parents and my siblings filled my heart. Our California December was mild enough for so much outdoor fun surrounded by redwoods, Christmas lights, and parks. I wore a mask indoors except for our Christmas Eve crab feast at my mom’s beautiful table and through the traditions of Christmas Day including savoring a sliver of the coffee cake that my family agrees tastes and smells like Christmas.

Normally we alternate spending Christmas in Maine and California. This year Chandler and I had the rare opportunity to see much of his mom‘s family for the second year in a row by going to Florida for his cousin‘s wedding the day after Christmas. So many stars had to align for this to be possible and they miraculously did, but it was still scary.

As we masked up and boarded the plane, I cried, and we considered getting off the plane. I told Chandler that I feel like I have been protecting myself so that I can keep living life. But at the same time I didn’t want to miss the best parts of life by protecting myself. We stayed on the plane and we were rewarded with so much laughter, support, and fun with chandler’s family. We were able to do most of our socializing outside but for the wedding itself I didn’t wear a mask. I had moments of feeling nervous but mostly it felt so nice to know our kids were happy with their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents and I was able to be with chandler and feel (and look) “normal” while celebrating LOVE with his family.

There were some thoughtful calculated risks that left me vulnerable and in the days leading up to New Years Eve I found myself congested and my eye swelling up. Thanks to being protected, once again, I made it through what could have been serious infections with only mild symptoms.

When I’m scared and craving a cozy place to curl up and feel safe. I imagine a warm feathery wing wrapped around me like a blanket.

The next challenge I have ahead of me for which I need prayer to guide me is the decision about going back to work in February and simultaneously the decision I have before me to add a new drug to my treatment plan that my oncology team recommends. There is promising new research (answered prayers) about the long term success of combining another targeted therapy with the one I’m currently on. If we move forward with this change, I’ll have one more round of the treatment I’ve become accustomed to (Jan 12), a PET scan (Jan 21) and potentially the new treatment protocol on Feb 3rd. As we enter this unknown I’m praying that I can find peace in the Truth that I am protected.

In one school where I worked, we did not have counselor support and whenever my students suffered from mental health challenges, it weighed so heavily on me because I felt like I needed to have all the pieces to help them and I just couldn’t. In my most recent experience in the classroom, I have had incredible counselors available for students. It has been a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulder to know that we each brought different pieces to the puzzle of creating an effective learning environment for students. When this was the case, I felt relief and that I could relax into my role on the team knowing where to seek guidance when I needed it.

My current job is my health. I am learning that this is no different than the examples above. I need a team with a diverse set of expertise. Whenever I pray for guidance, I hear God telling me “my grace is sufficient for you”. This is confusing… because I have often been praying because I am wrestling with whether I am seeing the correct oncologist, whose name happens to be Grace.

I’ve had the same oncologist since my first diagnosis of stage 1A HER2+ cancer ~4 years ago. After a successful double mastectomy when I was 38, I did not expect to be facing the news at 41 that I had stage 4 HER2+ cancer. The fact that this news was delivered by the same oncologist has caused me to struggle a lot with trust. I have communicated to her that my lack of trust is with the system not her individually.

My revelation lately has been that the oncologist is only one member of the team. It is not her, Grace, that is sufficient. It is His grace. While my parents and chandler have helped me explore the process of seeking second opinions, I have focused on gracefully building a team.

With a sufficient team, I hope I can beat the system, through advocacy, collaboration and creativity, and multiple bright minds supporting my body, mind, and spirit. On the team with me I currently have an oncologist, an oncology nurse practitioner, a radio-surgeon, a physical therapist, a social worker, a dietician and an abundant amount of prayerful family and friends! I need the whole team.. and probably more.

While treatment is progressing effectively and with minimal side effects, I am content with this team. I envision a future phase of complete remission. We are proceeding with seeking a second opinion outside of Kaiser after my next PET scan. I have an appointment with a recommended oncologist in Kaiser scheduled next week. Yesterday something miraculous happened. I had an appointment with my oncologist in which I was gracefully explaining to her why I had chosen to seek additional opinions. After doing so, she shared with me that the doctor that I had planned to consult would be seeing me and monitoring my care for January - April while she went out on maternity leave. I have a new member of the team!

His Grace is sufficient for me.

Lord prepare me

to be a sanctuary

pure and holy

Tried and true.

With Thanksgiving

I’ll be a living sanctuary

for you.

Since before Thanksgiving, I’ve been singing this song in my head and thinking about its lyrics.

In November, I had an MRI, a CT scan, and an echocardiogram that showed my heart lungs, brain and bones are healing. Thanks to powerful ripples of prayer, the cancer cells are responding well to treatment lesson plans and interventions (Thank you!). The healthy cells are starting to feel safer and less threatened by cancer cells.

A Sanctuary is a safe place. I am familiar with preparing safe places as a teacher. It is my belief that kids, particularly those with trauma in their background cannot learn unless they feel safe. I have often said that as a teacher of students who are learning English for the first time - My most important job is creating a safe place where they can develop a sense of community and belonging, then whatever English comes out of that will be icing on the cake… as it turns out kids learn a lot more English when they feel this sense of safety.

When I think of myself as a sanctuary like in the lyrics of the song, “Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary”…I’m trying to apply some of the methods I use to create a safe place in my classroom. Routines, and predictable rhythm create safety for my students. I have read that the healthy cells and hormones in my body have been on high alert as the cancer has invaded their space and grown and crowded them, threatening their safety. Evidence of this was all of the inflammation and fluid in my body that we found in August. Now I am trying to respond by establishing predictable routines and rhythm to repair the harm and re-establish safety.

I’m hoping establishing daily routines and rhythm through Nutrition, Movement, Rest, and Gratitude will create the safety that my body needs to continue to heal.

Nutrition - time bound eating helps my body feel safe to rest and repair cells between eight am and eight pm. Starting every morning with a large jar of water with lemon and electrolytes followed by cereal to calm my stomach. Feeding myself several nutrient rich anti cancer foods that my body can expect to receive throughout the day.

Movement - I’ll walk with a friend, or a walk, listening to a podcast, do some gentle, yoga, or my physical therapy exercises and that is as intense as exercise gets. I want to elevate my heart rate and strengthen my muscles. I need my ego to stay away from pushing to the edge, racing, or competing. All I. need is to convince my body that it is safe. I simply need to know that the chances of me falling are decreasing and that I can trust my body for the daily tasks of an active mom.

Rest - I am trying to honor the circadian rhythm of my day - getting out of bed before eight and in bed by 10 so that my body can expect enough rest to repair. During the day I need rest or mindfulness in the form of a nap, meditation and/or breathing exercises and meditation.

Gratitude -Some family and friends have told me after providing a meal for our family that writing a thank you note is not necessary. The reality for me, and for the safety I am proving to my body, is that the time spent in gratitude writing that note is just as beneficial as the meal.

My prayer is that the Lord can prepare me to be a sanctuary

Through these rhythms and predictable routines

That my lifestyle and choices will help my body to feel pure and holy

That while I struggle and feel weakness through treatments and tests, I will know that this is my opportunity to be tried and true

With Thanksgiving, I will show gratitude to all of those around me who help me to be a living sanctuary for the Holy Spirit where healthy cells can thrive.

“There is a difference between thinking and knowing… sometimes we are thinking incessantly maybe ruminating or spinning on the same thought and we cannot rest in truly knowing. Something that helps is engaging the body. The body has great intuition, when we get out of our mind and into our body for a while, then we can truly know.”

Not only my mind but also my heart settles when I know. This week involves appointments to know the state of my heart and lungs. We need to know how they are tolerating the chemo.

My heart is both an important physical muscle and an emotional center. The weeks and days leading up to my echo cardiogram were heavy for my heart. In the past few weeks I’ve lost my favorite chicken, my hair, and now a few days ago my 14 year old dog.

Our whole family has been grieving and while my heart has been busy with that, my mind keeps trying to think about what is scheduled for each day this week. Even though I’m constantly thinking about our schedule, I keep losing track of what is happening on the upcoming weekend, and forgetting times of practices, activities, and appointments throughout the week. My mind is thinking - thinking - thinking, and still I need to rely on the computer in my pocket every time anyone asks when is this or that because ‘I don’t know’. I’m trying to just go one day, one moment at a time.

After my Echo on Monday, I learned I had one less thing to think about. My wonderful cardiologist called me just after my test to ask if I’d like to sit in an exam room to go over the pictures together, and I could ask any questions that I had in person rather than over the phone. My dad and I were still at Kaiser and we were able to do this and it was such a blessing. She showed us the echoes that I had done in August to show that at that time there was fluid all around my heart in some places it measured two cm now there’s only a tiny pocket of less than a centimeter in one small area. That too will likely be absorbed, but even if it is not, she says it is not at all concerning. All of the measurements of the strength of my heart and its ability to pump blood throughout my body are normal. My heart health has actually dramatically improved over the past three weeks and there are no signs of any side effects of the chemo. The doctor said a lot of reassuring and encouraging things, but my favorite was. “Aside from having cancer you are very healthy”!

I have walked and exercised every day this week, KNOWING that it is good for my healthy heart and my heavy heart.

When I first wrote of the radio-surgery treatment for tumors in my brain, I thought of an expulsion metaphor. In August it was determined the little tumors were not safe for the learning community and needed to be removed for the greater good of the healthy cells. These tumors have already been expelled. and it is my understanding that Radiation will not happen again, just as expulsion cannot happen twice at the same school. My recent MRI showed that some of the cells are trying to hang around in the community, but the chemo is teaching them how to find their way out and it will take some time.

All that is left of two of the three tumors in my brain is a bit of harmless scar tissue (Rejoice!). The third tumor shrunk by 2 mm it is not dangerous and expected to shrink more. Another follow up MRI in 6-8 weeks will monitor that. The MRI showed two tiny (1 mm) “artifacts” that will also be monitored with the next scan. I was disappointed when I saw the results. I wanted a completely clear scan, but the radiologist assured me that this scan is considered positive results at this stage and we need to just give it more time. 

 This week I’ve been reminded that God is answering our prayers. We don’t get to know the timeline but we do know that he is not surprised when we are surprised. I took comfort in that this week. As I pulled more weeds in our backyard, I prepared to  do what what was in my control to continue the effort of implementing the lesson plans that will weed out these troubled cells through my chemo treatment. 

I’m on day two after treatment and so far this one has been smooth. I was optimistic that my white blood cells would be ready. I have a theory (or superstition) that a little exercise before the lab work can help release white blood cells into the bloodstream so while I waited with my mom for the nurse to call my name I did lunges, squats, and calf raises in the waiting room - I think I’ll make this a habit!  My bloodwork leading up to chemo was better than ever (Rejoice!). I also feel encouraged by more nutrition guidance I’m learning about. Thinking of food as medicine gives me power to feel that I’m cultivating the soil of my body to be unwelcoming to weeds. Giving attention to my healthy cells through nutrition gives me the same feeling I get when I’m able to teach a lesson extension that allows the students’ who are meeting expectations to thrive through further growth. 

November is very full of appointments for the health of my heart, lungs, bones, and blood. These verses are on my mind as we approach Thanksgiving. 

Rejoice in the Lord always I will say it again rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ.

Philippians 4:6-7 

Back in August, there were three tiny tumors in my brain, the radio surgeon I worked with felt very confident that the procedure went well. My oncologist also says that she would be very surprised to see any evidence of cancer left in the brain, the type of chemo we are using (enhertu is the name of the drug) has the benefit of modern scientific advancements that allows it to break through the blood barrier between the body and the brain and prevent the spread of cancer in the brain.

Today is the day of the MRI that will provide evidence that it’s gone. Let’s pray that I can be peaceful and patient as I visualize the clarity of a brain free of cancer while I’m in the tube and awaiting the results.

When Ellen, one of my mother-in-laws, was in town she did a lot of weeding at our house. Her approach was to pour boiling hot water on the weeds. The next day they would be shriveled up and easy to pull and what was left was cleared space where more healthy and necessary things could grow. Weeding metaphors have been circulating in my mind ever since. Thinking of my life as a garden to grow fruits of the Spirit gives me powerful purpose.

The radio surgery killed the weeds in my brain. They have now had time to shrivel up and decompose on their own and what is left is clarity. Today the MRI pictures will show that. I will continue staying busy to treat and cultivate the soil to prevent the return of the weeds, through the chemo yes, but also with a regimen of rest, movement, and eating well so that Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control can grow.

As we approached my second scan following 2.5 months of treatment, I visualized a decisively different image (The last one I found so disturbing that I couldn’t look at it for long). Over the past week, I also started to voice that my expectation was that the cancer in my body had shrunk by more than 50%. This was ambitious Hope.

We had our first progress report today and cancer cells have been responding well to instruction. At key points teachers have to quantify the learning and assign an evidence based mark.

A grading scale I like is as follows:

1. little to No evidence

2. Approaching standard

3. At Standard

4. Exceeding Standard

There are two categories for which we have an assessment. Today’s PET scan results were exceeding the Standard.

Chandler and my mom and dad have been observing all the lessons this term. They were with me in the meeting with my oncologist today. I’ll share my parents’ recap as evidence that the scan Exceeded the Standard

Evidence

“They measure the cancer’s activity by how much less brightly it lights up in the pet scan. We saw a side by side picture of the August 3, 2025 pet scan with the October 20, 2025 pet scan side by side, the brightness was substantially reduced over the last 10 weeks. And in some cases the brightness matched the “background” which tells the doctor that the cancer is gone. This was the case for several places where cancer had been present in the bones and lymph nodes. The liver was clearly not glowing nearly as bright as it was, and has shrunk in size by apx 40% to 50%. The Dr said it is now “normal” sized. It is still the most brightly lit up area but the Dr said every area is responding well to the medicine so she does bot find the level of metabolic activity troubling in any particular area. She is “happy, happy, happy” but “not surprised”, she said. She sees this type of progress regularly with this “miracle medicine”. This report did not evaluate the brain. That will be done with a brain MRI in a few weeks but she stated that based on what she has seen, she would be very surprised to see cancer in the brain.”

In summary, I want to rest in relief knowing this Truth, to celebrate and be grateful.…but there is more … This is a semester progress report and complete remission is my expectation for the end of this term. I know there is more that God wants me to do with my life than I’ve been able to do over the past 3 months. Today was a very reassuring day, evidence of healing was illuminated, Prayers were answered and I’m so very grateful for all the ripples that have propelled us to this point.

Even after the goal of remission is achieved, life will remain altered, treatment will persist to prevent the cancer returning, our family will need to remain faithful, persistent, and resilient. There is still an unlit path ahead but we pray that “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it”. John 1:5

c. 1300, "immediate influence of God or a god," especially that under which the holy books were written, from Old French inspiracion "inhaling, breathing in; inspiration" (13c.), from Late Latin inspirationem (nominative inspiratio), noun of action from past-participle stem of Latin inspirare "blow into, breathe upon," figuratively "inspire, excite, inflame," from in-"in" (from PIE root *en "in") + spirare "to breathe" (see spirit (n.)). ,

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. [Genesis ii.7]

spirit(n.)

mid-13c., "life, the animating or vital principle in man and animals," from Anglo-French spirit, Old French espirit "spirit, soul" (12c., Modern French esprit) and directly from Latin spiritus "a breathing (of respiration, also of the wind), breath;" also "breath of a god," hence "inspiration; breath of life," hence life itself.

https://www.etymonline.com/word/inspiration

Have you ever considered the connection between an inhale and an inspiration?

An in inhale is an inspiration, right?

How about the connection between inspiration and spirit?

Inspiration is from and for the Spirit, right?

Can we conclude then that an inhalation is breathing in inspiration from the Spirit?

I’ve been breathing through a lot of things and sometimes pausing to reflect on the inspiration through those breaths.

I’m glad God put me on a path that included practicing belly breathing in yoga, mountain breathing in my classroom, and counting breathing to manage anxiety.

Over the past few weeks I’ve breathed through a lot… IV pokes, blood pressure readings, bedtime tantrums, tummy aches, soreness, exercises. I’ve also breathed through extra long before school morning hugs, catch up sessions with dear friends, yoga poses, and prayer.

I’ve struggled with some uncertainty as I’ve been healing from the port placement. Pain and discomfort make me nervous. I don’t know how much I should act or not act, rest or not rest, based on pain. I often don’t know the source of the pain… for example does my rib cage hurt due to radiating pain from the port, a chemo side effect, fluid around my heart, cancer in my bones, or two much yoga the day before… ? No one knows. So I take some breaths and focus on what’s working. I’ve started to use this mantra:

My lungs can breathe, my heart can beat, my mind can think, and I can eat… so keep breathing, keep living.

‘My lungs can breathe’ is first because a complete breath is first. In that inhale is inSpiration, is the Spirit and life.

Life has been good over the course of this last round of chemo. We’ve had great company and additional support this week and will next week as well. Chandler’s mom was here last week. I am so blessed to have a mother in law whose love language is doing dishes and laundry… oh and shopping :) She also wanted to watch the boys while chandler and I celebrated our anniversary! I’m equally blessed that Chandler’s dad and Ellen come at the end of this week to celebrate chandler well on his birthday and entertain and love on the boys.

So much will happen in the next week, chemo will be able to continue as scheduled on Friday (tomorrow). Chandler’s birthday is on soccer Saturday. IV Hydration will be on Sunday. Monday is my PET scan, Wednesday is our Doc apt to discuss the results. Friday is mine and my mom’s birthday and my aunt Holly will be coming to town. It’s birthday season on the Buchanan branch of the family, my niece and nephew are also celebrating birthdays in Nashville.

Breathing through it all = inspiration!

Pray with me as I breathe for…. Inspiration to be confident in the moment. Inspiration while passing to the other side of uncomfortable situations. Inspiration through the waves of big emotions in our family. Inspiration to purposely celebrate each precious trip around the sun.

It was a tough week leading up to departure. Cruz had an ear infection, Koda was diagnosed with asthma. The good news was though that antibiotics and an inhaler got their ear and lungs in shape for their Fall break adventure. The boys (particularly Cruz) were nervous to be traveling separately from chandler and I so there was lots of expectation setting and encouraging in the days leading up to departure. They flew down to LA on Wednesday morning. Their cousins had Thursday off of school thanks to God and Yom Kippur! So they got to go to Disney with their grandparents AND their seasoned Disney expert aunt and uncle. We knew they were in good hands and we knew that all this effort was in large part so that I could rest and recover. My parents say that the boys exceeded their expectations and did well on the flight and through a long stimulating memory-making day at Disney.

While they were packing in the rides in Disney chandler and I did the opposite and spent two nights in Pismo. I prioritized doing as close to nothing as possible. Staying at the Vespera right on the beach was such a peaceful treat. It’s gorgeous, in a classy nautical and beachy way. We could see and hear the waves out our window. I didn’t get in the car and stayed within one block of the hotel. We were right next to the wharf which is so clean and lively. I laid in bed, read on the balcony, watched and listened to the waves took a walk on the sand, took a nap, and walked in the pool, then sat in the hot tub - Very healing! Chandler and I watched a Red Sox game like the old days and enjoyed several meals including uninterrupted conversation while sitting at an outdoor table for as long as we wanted.

Next, we road tripped south again with a stop in Solvang for pastries and Santa Barbara for Açaí bowls. When we arrived in Thousand Oaks, we caught my niece’s basketball and soccer games, the cousins had so much quality time, and in addition to seeing Kyle’s family I got 28 hours with my sister! It was so fun to prep as a family for the party Sarah had planned for Kyle. The serene setting of their backyard at sunset was the perfect backdrop for people who love Kyle to gather and celebrate 40 years well-lived. Kyle smiled and laughed surrounded by people who love his calm, humble, and fun-loving demeanor. It was hard to leave after looking forward to and working toward this moment and knowing it was about to be behind us.

As Chandler and I started our road trip back in the dark we listened to a podcast in which we heard Jane Goodall say, “If we use head and heart together we can reach our true human potential”. That rang so true for me this week both my head and my heart were constantly seeking to balance one another, trying to get in sync and find a way to wisely LIVE with faith over fear.

This past week gives me continued hope and evidence that with my head and my heart working together a fulfilling life is possible. I need prayers for tomorrow as I surrender to the port... I have unlocked something new to make each of the previous three rounds of chemo more manageable. My head believes placing a port under my skin (as recommended by several nurses and my oncology team) is the next step toward treatment with less stress. IVs have continued to prove difficult to start particularly when I need hydration, my bruised up arm and the 5 pokes last Sunday to get a bag of fluids led my head to tell my heart that it is time… my heart is still unsure, but I am going forward with the appointment tomorrow and will need the Holy Spirit and its ripples to give my heart courage.