First, I ask that you listen to my message with an open-mind. It’s not my purpose to offend with my crass language, simply share my truth. Please know my intentions are pure and this message is delivered from a heart that is in the process of being healed.

Second, consider the condition of your heart.

In this post I break free from the bitterness and resentment brought on by disappointment.

This past Fourth of July holiday I was reminded freedom is found within and includes these three elements:

1. Awareness

2. Responsibility

3. Compassion

Working through my thought life on the keyboard frees me from staying stuck in negative thought patterns. Publishing my written work provides my pathway to heal. It’s a proven strategy for me.

The Silence of Thought

As humans we tend to put our faith in people and the weight of their opinions matter. We ask for their thoughts, trusting that they will be people of their word and provide feedback. And when they aren’t bitterness and resentment start to grow and when left untended fester.

Our thought life is what keeps us stuck. When we don’t receive feedback we make assumptions, typically in the form of negative thoughts. As free people we can choose to process our feelings, let go and be set free from disappointment or remain stuck in uncertainty.

I am no different than anyone else. I too have made promises and overtime shirked responsibility to free myself of an obligation. Keeping my thoughts to myself spares hurt feelings of others.

In the past five years gradually I am becoming aware of each barrier in life that prevents me from being free.

The Importance of Written Expression

It’s freeing to be heard. Not giving a rat’s ass about how my words are perceived. That is a lie I tell myself because I do.

Awareness

For most of my adult life I chose to live in denial, ignoring my truth. Then one day I decided to explore my innermost being. By uncovering the roots of my problems, shedding light on the darkest parts of me I started to grow into a different version of myself.

Out of this process a book was birthed. An introspective self-help book that provides true healing and personal growth in my recovery. Swallow Your Pride is part of what has initiated my ongoing journey of growth.

In the process I discovered that equally important as being self-aware is to be aware of how others perceive my writing. Discernment is key. There is a balance between being authentic verses offending others with our literary language.

The Book Review

During the writing process I chose to support other writers by writing reviews and sharing their publications. When I discovered that they chose to not reciprocate I became bitter. I allowed the feelings to fester for too long and started become resentful.

Undoing the Lie With My Truth

Internally these thoughts kept me in bondage to the sinful behavior of comparison. When the truth is that the writing of the other authors doesn’t compare to mine. Comparison is rooted in covetousness and envy. When we allow this behavior to fester it breeds to deeper vices like pride.

I have to look past my own bad experience and put my pride aside, choosing to support other authors unconditionally.

The Weaponization of Words

As we wield our pens as writers we have a responsibility to not weaponize our words. Rather use our words to inspire and encourage others. Even if we don’t give two shits about the other author’s book. Because it isn’t always about the book but the author.

Responsibility

As a member of literary and recovery communities its my responsibility to lift others up, not tear them down. My goal when offering to read another author’s book was to compose a glowing review in hopes they too would support my efforts—which is self-seeking behavior. It doesn’t work that way.

Spreading awareness of other writer’s written work is an unconditional act. It’s the best way that we as writer’s can support one another. And it’s a balancing act.

While many aspiring writers have a message to deliver, not all messages are executed well. It might be that they lack structure or don’t have a clear message. But they each have a voice that’s worthy to be heard.

The Irresponsible Book Review

It’s irresponsible to offer a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ review when the writing is subpar at best. In an effort to lift other writers up I did my best to write a generous review that highlighted the book’s message, even when I had trouble finishing the book. I would never verbally recommend said book to a friend but didn’t hesitate to write the Amazon review.

Undoing the Lie With My Truth

A poorly written book doesn’t deserve a five star review. When the truth is that anyone who has the courage to share their story deserves for their story to be shared. The more positive Amazon reviews, the more exposure. A poor review only shares the personal truth of the critic and leads to insecurities for the author.

Although it’s important to support others as they live-out their publishing dreams, we need to do so with grace by honoring the process.

Trusting the Process When All We Hear Are the Lies

When we don’t receive the accolades we feel we deserve self-doubt creeps in. Instead we lose trust in the effectiveness of our messaging. When really it takes balls to show up and with compassion reach that person who has been searching for our message.

Compassion

Writing a review to promote an author and their book is one way to show compassion for the craft. Equally important is to extend ourselves compassion. Writing is a vulnerable form of expression and publishing is an act of courage.

Heartfelt writing can be felt within the pages of a book but it doesn’t authenticate who the writer is. The book is the vessel used to get the author’s testimony heard. And the person is the vessel God uses to reach other people.

It’s a journey that requires support but should not be expected. Establishing yourself in recovery, especially through writing takes time. It’s a process that takes compassion and it’s a real act of service to commit support to your community.

Undoing the Lies With My Truth

When someone chooses to not read and review a book it must mean that the book isn’t worthy. The truth is not every book is for every person. We are busy people; many of us trying to complete a novel, while other’s are busy marketing their books.

Sharing another person’s book should be done with a servants heart. True freedom is to embrace serving others over self and is found in self-giving.

Unlearning the Lies that Shaped Me

In the spirit of sharing and support of an author friend, I’m happy to recommend Unlearning the Lies that Shaped Me. Over the last five years I have had the pleasure of hearing Amy speak and developing a friendship with her. Her words provide her testimony and her heart has decades of healing to provide hope for others.

We met in a Christian-based recovery group but I heard Amy’s testimony in the rooms of Alcoholic’s Anonymous. In recovery we learn to be of service to others, and not out of selfish ambition. Check out Unlearning the Lies That Have Shaped Me, within its pages you will hear Amy’s story.

I am certain that Amy’s book will not disappoint!

Creds:

Today’s writing is inspired by Tara, a Yoga instructor from Yogavibez in Fenwick, Delaware. Her opening statements during instruction of her Powerflow Class she spoke of freedom and how awareness, responsibility and compassion are key elements. My secular yoga practice is complimentary to my faith-based healing.

Have you had your breakthrough moment?

A mixture of sweat and tears fall upon my Yoga mat as Dawn, the instructor, shares Vizinha’s story. His story offers pause as I consider my own writing journey. When will I have my breakthrough moment?

What brought on your breakthrough moment?

For many there is a specific event in life that leads to their breakthrough moment. It’s often out of desperation when we choose to act. One could consider it a divine intervention.

Did you know that a spiritual awakening is a breakthrough moment?

I soon discovered that alcohol was the least of my problems. I had a much bigger problem. Pride. Over the years I had become a very pride-filled woman and it was time to be humbled.

What was your breakthrough moment?

In recovery I witness breakthrough moments. These are the times when out of an act of desperation people choose change. It’s these people who inspire my writing.

What will it take for you to have a breakthrough moment?

Although I had loving family and friends, along with having all my material needs met, I didn’t have a strong foundation. We can strengthen our foundation by doing yoga but yoga alone will not provide that foundation.

Do you feel your breakthrough approaching?

We should never look to others for our breakthrough moment. I am a woman who is very much in touch with her feelings. My faith is strong, not just in my God but I believe in myself.

How do you know if you had a breakthrough moment?

Breakthroughs happen when we can let go and surrender. You will feel it. It’s the moment of untethered freedom.

How many breakthrough moments do we get?

I had my breakthrough moment, now I’m in a season of waiting. I’ve been given the gift of writing. It’s something I enjoy.

Don’t give up but open yourself to every possibility. And you will have your breakthrough moment. Allow God to work in your life, using you and your words to inspire others.

My Testimony

My Story

We all have a story to tell.

As a woman in recovery I know that it's not my job to tell another person's story. To force my voice on another person would corrupt their story. The same is true when I had a story to tell and other's chose to tell it.

What is missing when we tell another person’s story is the emotion. Sure we interject our own emotions, relaying how their story has impacted us. But then our emotions hijack their story. It’s not an actual portrayal of what they are going through.

My gossiper didn’t understand the pain behind my story.

Fiction

Fictional storytelling offers drama to engage the reader. Words are used to not only tell a story but paint a picture. In Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery fictional storytelling is used as hyperbole.

The previous pull quote, My Daughter’s Story, is the introduction to a chapter in my nonfiction book. It deliberately exaggerates a true event to reveal the emotional impact it had on me and provide psychological truths for other women who share in my experience.

As humans we are enthralled with other people’s life changing events. We talk behind the backs of our good friends, not aware of the emotions that are at the forefront. Gossip is a deafening silence not heard by the friend but circulating around them.

Everyone so intrigued, we fabricate the story to conjure up a portrayal that usually isn’t flattering. In the end hoping to make it more appealing. In hopes of placing the spotlight on ourselves.

We all have it. An insatiable appetite for drama. And as a fictional novelist I have the ability to create characters that resonate with the reader. However, it’s within real-life, spending time with other women where I find inspiration.

Nonfiction

My story started long, before I started writing. The drama unfolded before my very eyes. Out of my transgression, pain, and healing a story was born.

Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery is a book written from a mother’s perspective. It shares an accident, arrest, and recovery journey of a mother.

Gossip is one of the many topics that is addressed. As a character defect it is seen as a way to boost one’s own ego by tearing others down. It’s a trait mothers extend to their daughters.

Check out my Nonfiction Book, Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery.

Sunday, June 7 & Monday, June 8, 2026—the eBook is available for free!

Swallow Your Pride

Each chapter shares my perspective and what was gained by learning and working the steps of recovery. However, there is one chapter within the book that is not authored by the mother but the daughter.

My Daughter’s Story

It wasn’t for me to share my daughter’s story. That is why in Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery has a chapter where my daughter provides her version of events that led to my arrest. She is best suited to share so I provided her the platform.

She too had “friends” who chose to gossip and not respect her anonymity.

Gossip

It’s the ugly words meant to disparage another for their actions. It leaves a scar unless treated with compassion. If not handled correctly, it doesn’t lead to the much needed healing to restore a broken heart.

In recovery we learn gossip is a destructive, often, “cancerous” behavior that erodes trust, triggers shame, and poses a serious threat to sobriety, making it a relapse risk for all involved.

I view it as an intrusion, people meddling in other people’s business.

We all do it. It’s only human.

The Gossiper

In Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery I share the three types of gossiper:

• First type of gossiper: the friend who has the innate curiosity and thrives on the drama that surrounds it. They perceive the information as being so juicy, the need to share it is too great. Not necessarily to harm their friend, but to sensationalize. Your TV tabloid kind of friend. Their motive isn’t meant to harm but draw attention to themselves the source.

• Second type of gossiper: the friends who have ulterior motives. They may harbor their own resentments or jealousy towards the intended victim. They choose to weaponize the information to cause the greatest harm, an attempt to damage their friend’s reputation.

• Third type of gossiper: the drunk. This friend will intend to take the information that has the potential to destroy a friend and tuck it away in their heart. Until they are with that one trusted friend, and after sharing a bottle of wine, the conversation is flowing. As you uncork, the second bottle, the words slip out. By then it’s too late to put the genie back in the bottle.

I was the drunk.

The Drunk

My drinking is what initiated my recovery journey. I was a trusted friend until the alcohol impacted my ability to maintain my discretion. When drinking I usually was surrounded by friends, each with an insatiable appetite for drama.

Usually, I did not initiate the gossip but with just the right amount of alcohol I would be first to share someone else’s news. Recovery makes us aware of these practices. The impact recovery has on the alcoholic extends past exercising restraint from drinking but improving our character.

The friend who has the innate curiosity.

A girlfriend shared her dismay at how the people who once considered close friends were quick to talk. They shared their opinion of what I considered the most painful event of my adult life. Then my friend, a gossip herself, asked me to write a blog on gossiping. She didn’t know that I would be using her as an example.

My friend is that girl. If you want to keep a secret it’s best not to tell her.

In recovery we steer clear of drama. Humility is key and its what we strive for. When we put others and their needs first we are less likely to disparage them.

Some people are easily sucked into drama. I wasn’t one of those people. Today I am more interested in creating the drama in fictional form.

The friend with ulterior motives.

Every story based on real life events is nonfiction. Simply told by the perspective of the storyteller. Depending on the condition of the storyteller it can cause irreversible harm. We always need to check our motives prior to posting our stories.

It’s only human to share another’s sad story. The problem is it’s not our story to tell. Healthy true friendships do not spread gossip, instead they provide words that promote healing.

Although all three gossiper will find healing through recovery, the gossiper with the ulterior motive is the most ill. They are the one’s who gossip from a broken heart.

Compassion needs extended to them also.

In recovery we learn to mind our own business. And in Christian based recovery the focus is to not judge others but offer compassion. Our Creator, He is the judge and jury.

God’s Story

It’s not your story. No matter how well thought out we craft our stories there will always be unexpected twists. We can write our story but the ending will never be as planned.

God is the author of our stories. Stories filled with heartache and deceit. It’s up to each of us to play the protagonist. He just provides everything needed to defeat the villain.

When I start to type my thought, even before I form the words on the keyboard my message appears. It pisses me off. Then I notice the words that AI prefers not to use, like pisses, so I use it.

A struggle I face is getting my emotions on the screen without any artificial intelligence standing in my way. As humans we are capable of that but AI not so much. The challenge is finding the key words and topics that AI isn’t able and/or willing to process and to manipulate the automated system.

The Weather Patterns

There is much to consider when we allow AI to take over our written work. Sure the benefits were welcomed at first but over the years I’ve been noticing the patterns that disrupt how we communicate. Today technology is attempting to replace our human connection making the future for the writer uncertain.

The Bright Side of AI

As a creative I write because I like to create. I am baffled how a writer would prefer to use AI to compose their work. However, there are times that I just want to send a quick message, nothing fancy, that’s when AI is a good tool to use.

In half the time needed I can type out a quick email. My computer knows me so well that it takes little effort. This leaves more time for the writing I enjoy.

I didn’t graduate with a degree in English, actually, I did not excell excel at grammar and spelling. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I appreciate AI grading my work.

The Dark Side of AI

I am learning the art of writing by doing it. The shortcuts that AI offers do not benefit me. It worries me that we have a generation (more to come) that will not know how to compose their thoughts in written form.

Writing is a form of therapy because it brings our thoughts to light. It helps to get our bottled emotions out. When we allow AI to express our thoughts it prohibits the healing process to work.

Shining A Light

We are in the midst of dark days where robots are capable of taking our words and crafting them into human messages. It’s acceptable. Messages written by AI are a feeble attempt to brighten our tomorrow.

By allowing this practice we are surrendering to a future that lacks expression. The compassion that spreads over humanity through our written work will cease to exist. We are in crisis mode yet little is being done.

On Social Media

Recently, on Facebook, a friend created a post. It was written beautifully, flawless, as if by a pro. The pros she used gracefully danced across my feed. Each sentence flowing into the next. She had crafted the perfect message, along with sharing the perfect pictures. The essence of her message radiated off the page. I was quite jealous because my friend isn’t even a writer!

Then her post blew up with 💓and 👍🏼. Her well thought out post received accolades, stealing my thunder. Drowning out my posts, each written with authenticity.

On My Wordpress—grow-together.blog

There is an AI feature I like on Wordpress. Once I am done composing my well-thought out message I can have AI do an overview. Not a grammar check but a synopsis. For me its a way to validate my message and to check for clarity.

However, there are times that AI simply doesn’t like my message. My message doesn’t align with the emotionless bots that crawl my page. They are not spiritual beings, like we humans. Pleading Sanity: The cost to avoid persecution left AI speechless, not able to offer a synopsis.

I’m left with the uncertainty of conditions. How does AI impact SEO? If the bots don’t approve of our messaging are we being penalized? What is the future for the writer?

Offering A Ray of Hope

In life we will have days of uncertainty. When the dark skies loom over our messaging. We are left questioning is it all worth it?

The question you should be asking yourself is, “Where do you derive your hope?” My hope isn’t found in a world that is becoming less human. As a woman who has found true contentment I know that no matter what the conditions my writing will thrive.

The reason I write isn’t just to be read, but because its an activity I enjoy. I know that AI isn’t my competition, nor the people who use it to compose their thoughts. There is no feeling of accomplishment after you finish writing with AI.

Emotionally Charged Writing

My writing is flooded with emotion. There are times that I will break into laughter or tears will come to my eyes when I write. For me its a way to process my thoughts, hence this post.

Work created by AI doesn’t resonate the way human writing does. When people are searching and in need of healing from their past, they need writing that speaks to their heart. Writing that is resonant.

A message that is originated in the heart, is one that AI can’t touch. The writings true intentions are felt. The human writer can seduce their reader into their story.

Authenticity

I’ve been working on a novel, the genre—Redemption Fiction. Character driven stories that follow the healing journey. Not only is my storytelling unique but I have a voice that can’t be duplicated. Nobody, especially AI, can tell my stories.

We live in a fake world where many people are stuck in denial. As a writer we need to be real. Nonfiction is one outlet to help people heal, but I choose Fiction. Through works of fiction and creating characters our authenticity shines.

God has created each of us individually to reflect His light. And we as creatives can utilize writing to reflect our healing. This is a practice that AI will never be able to duplicate.

Inspiration When Lightening Strikes

AI might attempt to steal our thunder and drown out our heart-felt messaging but as writers its the process where we find the beauty. A lightening strike offers clarity. There’s beauty in the raw image.

Unlike AI, written work by humans—its the gravity of the message we feel. We can offer an energy that can’t be felt otherwise. We need to continue to feel the storm, we call life, to keep our writing journey alive.

Jeannette’s writing, by sharing her childhood, to this day impacts my writing journey

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What I had…

At the age of fifty I had everything. I thought I lacked nothing. I had multiple homes, I had a family who stuck by my side during the most challenging season of my life, I had friends who enjoyed my company, and I had a drinking problem.

What I didn’t have…

I spent too much time do nothing, filling the gaps with mindless media and alcohol consumption. I didn’t have a purpose, something to fuel the road that lie ahead. I had a full breakdown with no maintenance tools to continue.

The Skedaddle

Ms. Walls uses the term skedaddle to reference the upheaval brought on by her father. As the child of alcoholics, her childhood had become one of running. Typically, in the middle of night, the family would leave town.

Although growing up my father, who also struggled with alcoholism, was able to maintain a career, so we didn’t have to skedaddle. My husband and I also raised our daughters and maintained jobs for twenty-five years of marriage. Alcohol abuse didn’t seem to impact our daily lives.

There are plenty of people in active addiction that get through life unscathed by their problems with alcohol. I wasn’t one of them. Following an accident and arrest it was time for me to skedaddle.

My skedaddle…

It was always in our plans to escape from our hometown. In February of 2021 we put an offer on a home in Florida, unbeknownst to me that a night of binge drinking would lead to an arrest, landing me in a thirty-day rehab in southern Florida. It was time for me to do the Skedaddle.

She Went Batshit shares the story that led to my skedaddle.

Everything worked out perfectly, according to God’s plan, not my own. What I soon discovered in recovery is that we can’t escape our problems. Moving from one state, leaving our friends behind, our problems would follow us wherever we go.

I needed a plan

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We packed our bags…

I’ve been lugging around fifty years of baggage. The resentments and bitterness I’ve been holding onto had turned into a burden. No longer could I travel through life hindered by my past.

It was time to recover. I took only what was needed and discovered we had too much. My life had become cluttered with negative thoughts and material items that lacked value.

Through healing, slowly, I would lighten my load.

We purged our belongings…

Cleaning our side of the street is a term used in recovery which implies we are only responsible for maintaining our contribution to life’s problems. No longer could I blame society or friends for my drinking. We emptied our family home and sold it.

By purging our past we release the emotions from memories and physical clutter that no longer serves. Doing so will allow for new growth and opportunities. Through learning the 12-steps I was off to a good start. I got a sponsor and worked a program.

Although I started to rid myself of what no longer served, there was something missing. When my AA sponsor questioned, “Karen, do you think you are an alcoholic?” Perhaps I was misdiagnosed. She recommended another program that might better fit my needs.

My AA sponsor gave me the boot!

At one time I had it all (so I thought)…

Passion

For over fifteen years my passion was my career. I custom designed kitchens, the heart of my clients homes. I received immense joy out of my work. While it served a purpose for others and income for myself, it wasn’t my purpose.

Purpose

My purpose was being a mother. As an independent contractor I could set my own schedule which allowed me to raise my daughters. This opened up the doors for volunteer opportunities. I taught Sunday School when they were very young, challenged myself as the pool treasurer, and did a brief stint as the PTO President.

My life did not lack purpose. Until at the age of forty, as my daughter’s matured into young women, no longer was I pursuing my passion of design and not active with volunteer work. That is when my life took a turn.

What I lacked…

What I discovered is that all along I had everything I ever needed, except God. My heart had become cold and calloused. A defense mechanism against my past hurts and current negative thinking my heart had become hardened and not sympathetic to others.

Christ

Celebrate Recovery is a 12-step program that is Christ-centered and works on hurts, habits, and hang ups. It is a well-rounded, holistic approach to heal. The focus of alcohol and my prideful self is replaced by a community.

Each meeting I get to witness lives changed by faith-based healing.

Purpose

Material possessions and time have little value if you lack purpose. My lifestyle of indulging in alcohol abuse and listening to mindless media didn’t serve a purpose. Through an accident and arrest I was called to a higher purpose. Working alongside others in recovery is preparing me to fulfill that purpose.

In search of my purpose…

I don’t have to go far. Once I cleansed myself of excess alcohol and discovered a new passion, writing, my life took a new meaning. Although I am still a mother and a part-time designer, I am finding my purpose.

Destined For A Purpose

We are created for a purpose by our Master Creator. We are each given spiritual gifts and it’s up to us to nurture them. We can make a difference in our lives and it’s best done without excess alcohol and mind-warping media.

Fueled By Passion

The people I meet inspire me. They each have stories to tell but it’s not my job to tell another person’s story. However, I can create characters and write fictional stories of redemption.

My recovery fuels my writing.

Preparing to skedaddle…

No longer am I escaping my past but embracing it. My future is bright and full of adventure. While a beautiful gift of recovery is learning to be present.

Although I am preparing to leave Florida to travel north for five months, I am finding the people and the meetings to maintain my recovery. No matter where I travel the support I am looking for can be found. Most importantly I don’t have to look far because it’s within me where I find purpose.

The Transient Lifestyle

I have encountered problems with my new lifestyle. The relationships I am building need to withstand periods of separation. In recovery relationships are formed and trust is established by being consistent.

I haven’t been able to maintain a consistent volunteer position. Without intention friendships fade. And in middle-age it’s more challenging to establish friendships.

You pick your path…

Writing is a good solution for the person who is does the skedaddle. I can pen my words and post them to the world-wide web. If one post, encourages and inspires one person my purpose here on Earth is fulfilled.

While others spend time scrolling on social media, engaging with others, I choose in-person interactions. I meet the most interesting people in the rooms of recovery. It takes one person to impact and inspire another person’s life.

Jeanette Walls memoir, The Glass Castle, is proof that writing memoir and books is very purposeful. And the inspiration is found as we travel on the road of life. Buckle up, be safe, and enjoy my writing journey.

If haven’t heard about my book, a sample is available on Amazon.

Swallow Your Pride

Share Your Journey

Where has your writing journey taken you? Are you creating a new path forward? Have you’ve ever done the skedaddle?

Leave a comment

I hate your moodiness. I hate when you turn into an a-hole. I hate that you love to win.

I hate how you hate, but I love how you love me.

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Love

I love you.

I love how you love my music.

I love how each year of marriage our love grows. I love how each hardship strengthens our love. I love how you hate to lose.

I hate that you are quick to anger, but I love how patient you are with me.

Patience

I love how you are determined to get the job done, but I hate to see your patience wear thin.

I hate when you are rude to anyone who stands in your way, but I love the compassion you extend to those in pain.

Kindness

I love your heart, but I hate how rude you can be.

I hate your negative attitude, but I love your good deeds.

Goodness

I love that you are the first to help a neighbor in need, but I hate that you don’t always love thy neighbor.

I hate how your faithfulness in God waivers, but I love the commitment you made before God with our marriage.

Faithfulness

I love that you attend church with me, but I hate how you worship pickle ball.

I hate how it’s always about winning the fight, but I love that you will never hurt me.

Gentleness

I love your soft caresses, but I hate the harshness of your words.

I hate to watch you lose control, but I love when you take control of a difficult situation.

Self-Control

I love that you try to maintain sobriety for our marriage, but I hate to see you drunk.

I hate how your self-destruction robs me of my joy, but I love your passion.

Joy

I love spending time with you, but I hate when your passion turns into rage.

I hate when you steal my peace, but I love that through God I have peace for an imperfect marriage.

Peace

I hate that one day our marriage will end, but I am at peace knowing we have our happily-ever-after.

I love that our marriage continues, but I hate that one day our physical life together will end.

Happy thirty-years of marriage. I love you with all my 💖

I understand addiction. My mind is still sharp (I didn’t kill all my brain cells from abusing alcohol). I find it’s not what I know that determines if I can use but it’s my emotions that drive my train. I’m a passenger on a recovery journey.

By drugging I don’t necessarily mean hard street drugs, which are not exempt from this discussion but a 6 ounce glass of wine. Not the drinker who doesn’t know how to stop because they too are not exempt but the person who drinks one drink or smokes one smoke just for comfort. They just want something to dull the pain.

My derailment…

I have spent time in the rooms of AA where people are committed to fully abstain from alcohol use. While I remain friends with many who continue to attend meetings I have moved on. Until this evening did I realize that maybe, just maybe, I am still struggling with alcohol.

Sensory Processing Sensitivity what is it, who is at risk and how does it impact the substance abuser.

What is it?

My husband is a passionate being. He easily gets caught up in the news and angered by what he can’t control. I was the same person before I started on my recovery journey. Even though I had the capacity to reason I always allowed my emotions to take over.

Today I’m not so easily triggered.

Who is at risk?

Something I noticed when I spent time in a detox facility and rehab is that everyone else but me was on some type of anxiety medication. Even though their drug of choice wasn’t available a substitution was made available. My mind told me it was time to feel and I fought back resisting the staff and their drug pushing.

Are these people different than me? Am I just a cold person who can ignore my feelings? Does this contribute to why so many people abuse prescription drugs, alcohol and other substances—it’s easier to not feel?

We are all at risk if we don’t have the proper coping skills. For the last five years I chose to feel, not wanting to hide behind my emotions. It is through recovery where I learned the tools that offer the ability to deal with the daily life emotions.

How does it impact the substance abuser?

The desire to have a drink this evening got me thinking… Why this evening did I have such a strong craving, enough to alert a problem? Normally, I can easily push the compulsion to drink away, not allowing myself to be tempted. Tonight I just gave in.

A numbing drug allows us to escape and not deal with life. Many of the people I meet in recovery have a past that is too painful to overcome. It’s much easier to numb than to allow ourselves to rehash the feelings.

While I ride high in my pink cloud—a term coined by Alcoholic’s Anonymous—the euphoria of early recovery, life continues to test me. Today is a reminder that ongoing recovery is the solution.

Sometimes we just want to numb.

This week was rough. I put my dog to sleep and I didn’t expect my emotions to take me hostage. The feelings of emptiness and loss have gripped me and I’m having trouble shaking free from the pain

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I know I need to process the pain and get past the discomfort, but I don’t like how it feels. Experiencing her loss is different than a human death. Is it because she slept with me each night? Or because she offered unconditional love like no other.

While I made dinner this evening my daughter called my husband for advice on a landlord problem. At the same time my husband shared his frustration over a tax issue. These everyday stresses don’t normally trigger me but the loss of my dog has been a game changer.

Sometimes we are not ready to feel…

So what did I do… I found a quiet spot to meditate, choosing to listen to Releasing Anger. While it helped me to maintain my cool while dealing with my husband’s mood swings it did nothing for the sadness. So what did I do… I poured myself the remains of a Rose wine from Easter dinner.

For me that’s okay, as long as I know it’s not good. We can’t stay stuck hiding from our emotions.

I am grieving and not ready to let go of the pain of losing my dog. When I easily could forgo alcohol in times of duress, my dog provided the comfort to ease my struggles. I didn’t realize the impact she had on my recovery.

Feeling leads to healing.

I know that alcohol doesn’t solve problems, it just perpetuates the cycle. But I am still in the mourning stage, not ready to heal. I didn’t want to feel her loss.

What I have learned on this journey is that we need to feel. And not to just feel our feelings but process them. We need to get to the roots of each painful moment. And this is done best when we don’t numb and cloud our emotions.

Long-term use of drugs: prescriptions, alcohol, and other substances impede our healing. Everyone is on their own journey but for me I need to feel. This week proves that I am not there yet and that my recovery is ongoing.

Allow yourself to feel.

Feelings impact our daily living. They either energize us or can deplete us. It’s hard but we need to push through our feelings. It’s up to each of us to find what works.

• Recovery meetings

• Writing

• Quiet time

We also need to remember that everyone heals at a different rate. It’s important to get the support you need. If it’s a substance then a twelve-step program like Alcoholic’s Anonymous can help. Or if it’s a general hurt, hang-up or habit Celebrate Recovery might help.

Just know it’s good to feel and you don’t have to go at it alone.

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“REPENT OR PERISH,” he warns, offering two choices. As if there is only one way.

His friend, not as brazen, hides behind his simple scripture verse, Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Both men, Street Preachers, doing their job by evoking fear into the sinners or as I see it annoying me as I eat dinner

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The Fear of God

Waiting for our dinners alfresco style, a man and his posey gather close by to share their faith. The diners have a front row ticket free of charge, while they wait for their $64 steak dinner, ala cart style. The entertainment for the evening—a stand-up comic with a message: unless you change your ways you will be doomed to hell. It’s no joke.

My girlfriend, a non-practicing Catholic, raised in the faith but doesn’t attend mass asked me a simple question. “Why would anyone fear God?” Parts of the man’s message made it’s way to our dinner table and created confusion. Why do we fear the Lord?

If the man wants to be more affective with his Bible thumping he can actually share information that doesn’t evoke fear and confusion but knowledge. Fear of the Lord isn’t to be terrified but having deep admiration, reverent awe for His power and authority. My friends (who don’t attend church) found the Street Preacher’s rhetoric repulsive.

Jesus—the First Street Preacher

95% of Jesus’s time was spent on the street—just a tidbit shared by my Sunday School teacher. I am a student of the Bible by a woman further along on her journey with Christ, who shares from her experience. While Jesus didn’t avoid synagogues he spent most of his time with the people on the streets. He met people where they were at, many who were lost and in need of healing.

While we sat at our dining establishment, enjoying our $64 entrees, we couldn’t help but feel condemned by the Street Preacher. And his message was getting lost on my friends who were not raised on the Word of God. The Street Preacher was doing more harm than good.

Per AI: Jesus style of preaching was different. He took His message to the streets to build relationships, offer compassion and meeting the needs of the people. Jesus attracted his crowd through healing and profound teaching, not condemnation.

Judgement Day

It wasn’t just the male Street Preachers who had my attention but the woman who stood in the background. I sat there in my black leather, fingertip length, mini-skirt, judging her outfit. She wore a denim skirt that rested just below her knees and the length of her hair closing in (obviously she hasn’t visited the salon lately).

Whenever I witness these street preachers, sharing the gospel differently than what I consider appropriate, I find myself judging them. Are these women weak or simply meek in character? Do they not have a voice or just not allowed to use it? And why do they always wear those dreadful skirts? I feel sad for the women, forced to stand in silence, while the men force their beliefs on others. Who am I to judge them?

Judgement Day is the final day of God’s ultimate judgement. When our lives are measured by how we handle our sinful behavior on Earth. Where as Christians we learn to live by our own code of conduct, still many of us fall short.

Judged By Our Good Character

What attracts me to my friend is her gentle spirit. Her and I have become besties in the last two years. She is unlike many of my other girlfriends who read the Bible daily. It is her genuine heart that attracts me.

Over the last two-plus years since we became friends I haven’t witnessed (in my humble opinion) much, if any, sinful behavior from her. She isn’t my only friend who doesn’t practice a faith or attend church regularly. Most of my good friends do not but they remain good people.

My current bestie shares the judgement she received during her childhood, “As a Catholic it was all about our sins, I always felt like a bad person.” The condemnation she received has left a scare on how she views organized religion as an adult. However, my way of life intrigues her and appeals to her. Her interest lies in “how” I know the Word.

Abstain From Judgement

I don’t feel judged by my friends. They don’t see me as some crazy lady spouting scripture, rather I choose to reference it in my writings, not preach. I don’t judge my friends for choosing to drink recreationally. For I was once like them, until I decided it was time for change.

During the Street Preacher’s rant, he condemned the Church Preacher. “Why do you hide behind your pulpit? And not here doing the Lord’s work?” Now he’s judging the way others choose to spread the Good News.

Whereas my preacher, Pastor Lea, teaches us not to judge others. The church I attend is affiliated with on-campus outreach programs. They welcome the homeless and drug addict. We are just a bunch of sinners that congregate together as the preacher shares with us the love God has for us.

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Attraction and Repelling

My Sunday School teacher offered another positive thought. When the Street Preacher is done and retires for the night, does he reflect on his work? Does he notice the impact his messaging has on the others?

Maybe, I’m too busy judging him. Perhaps, he is doing good and providing hope to those who are lost. But from my experience that evening out with our friends I understand why the others are put off by the Street Preacher’s style.

While the Street Preacher chooses a public setting to deliver his message, attending church is a choice. Christmas Eve I invited my Catholic friends to church, a First Baptist Church. My friend commented how different it was than mass. “You don’t have the rituals that I grew sick of over the years,” She said. Rather the Pastor shared the story of Jesus and the meaning of Christmas.

Exposure

The key to developing a faith, no matter what religion one practices, is to be exposed. In recovery it’s about finding our higher power and that varies according to one’s ideology. I respect each person for the religion they practice but can only share from my experience.

Lately, I’ve been meeting women who have been scarred by a strict adherence to the religion of their childhood and finding comfort simply by God’s Word. Lives are being changed all around me because of how they now view Christ. It’s no longer just about our sin but the love God has for each of us as sinners.

For me it’s Christianity and building a relationship with Christ through His Word found in the Bible. It must be one of the things that my friend likes about me. She has so many questions and I don’t have all the answers. But I can strive to live a life that reflects God. She’s attracted to my lifestyle.

Planting the Seed

During my childhood, like my friend, I too was exposed to church. I have vivid memories of my mother, a Christian woman, pounding on my door to wake me out of my slumber for church. I married a man who also was raised in the church. He shares memories of being forced to attend a second service on Wednesday. We both did not enjoy church growing up.

However, because the seed was planted, given just the right conditions it sprouted. We are each individual creations and on our own journey of growth. All we can do is share from our experience.

It’s not my intent to preach but shine a light and illuminate life’s situations by using scripture.

I’m not crazy.

For fifty years I lived a life of insanity and judged others who shared the Good News. Today I find myself doing the same thing, judging but with a sane mind. I didn’t care for the Street Preacher’s style as he shared the Gospel. And I don’t care for people who come to my house, knocking on my door to share their Good News.

My style is unique to my experience. For my healing and inspiration I focus on God’s Word but my writing reflects my experience. The best complement received from friends and my audience is that I am not preachy.

I’m not crazy just a woman who finally experienced what life is truly about. I spend a lot of time with other women who are still searching, some in denial while others in recovery. My intent isn’t to threaten anyone into submission but share the love God has for all of us.

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Swallow Your Pride

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

George Santayana

George Santayana, the author of The Life of Reason, published between 1905-1906 said something that bears repeating, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Most people do not have a recollection of past events. For some people it’s because they are blackout drunks (like I was), but the main reason is that they were not present. In lieu of experiencing cultural moments in history, we have the internet to inform us. And we, the people are gullible, forming opinion based on our emotions.

Which is why it is important for those who participated in cultural events to share their experiences with their words. The problem is that our real-life experiences are being censored. How do people learn the truth when the truth is manipulated and/or silenced?

History—the basis of our truth.

There are moments in time that are etched into History. Dates that are so significant that to not recognize them is un-American. These events of our time are woven into the fabric of our country and it’s what makes us who we are as a nation, the good and the bad.

December 7, 1941 thirty-years prior to my birth. “A day that will live in infamy,” are the very words spoken by President Franklin D. Roosevelt. It’s attacks like this that give birth to our freedom.

28 years later

July 20, 1969 the words spoken were “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” The Astronauts did not just leave their footprints behind that day, but Neil Armstrong’s words left a permanent impression sharing his experience.

32 years later

September 11, 2001 the most horrific day to be an American. For those who weren’t there, they watched as the events unfolded live on television. As the passengers on a plane were meeting their fate, one man, Todd Beamer said, “Let’s roll,” to rally for survival.

We pulled together as a nation, only to be ripped apart.

20 years later

January 6, 2021 A nightmare in its making. I was there to bear witness: a peaceful protest of many turned insurrection by a few. AI ignores the words that share the experiences of those who were present. What I saw January 6, 2021 was the unraveling of our Nation, we were coming apart at our seams.

The picture painted of those who attended the events of the Save America rally are of a barbaric group of anti-Americans, when the twisted words couldn’t be further from the truth. My first impression of that day was the eerie peace that surrounded the National Mall, in D.C.. But once we stepped foot and walked the two-mile radius, it quickly became clear, what appeared (the number is undocumented) as a million Americans joined together in support of a fractured country.

Following the conclusion of the planned program, the crowd dispersed, many of whom walked towards The United States Capitol. It didn’t take long for a group of agitators to influence the already emotionally engaged group. There were a significant number of people caught up in the mayhem but many others who remained peaceful. I wasn’t one of them, my life lacked peace.

Leading up to that day, my foundation slowly had been chipped away. Although I wasn’t one of the rebel rousers that broke into the Capitol, I was easily influenced. When emotions are stirred up, people are easily triggered, the result is what happens when we have a weak foundation.

I was a woman, broken and in need of healing. Reflecting on my past, and in light of today’s peaceful protest turned violent in Minneapolis I see people in need of healing. People who are too scared to look into the darkness their past and refuse to heal.

“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there” is a spiritual principle I learned in recovery. For healing to take place we need to look into our past and discover our triggers. Only then will we show up to a rally and remain peaceful.

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Today, 2026 I choose to be part of the solution not the problem. It’s within God’s Word and Christian based recovery where I find healing. It’s up to each of us to dredge up our past wounds and choose to heal. Not perpetuate a cycle of hate.

We can look to a book that was written roughly 1,500-1,600 years ago, the Bible. The oldest parts of the Bible were written over 3,400 years ago. The Bible is considered the most culturally impactful book of history. It’s the book I reference most.

Martin Wickens, God Wants Us to Know the Truth and That Has Changed the World, shares that culture is reshaped when God’s people take His Word seriously.

In the late 16th century the Puritans believed that each Christian and every child should be able to read the Bible. There efforts sparked one of the greatest literacy movements in Western history.

Future—Shaped by our past.

While AI has the capability to interfere with the way writers engage with their audience, they also are a valuable tool for the author. I need to consider the good within the bad. Developing a relationship with AI and using it to grow as a writer is how we best can use AI.

When writing AI is a quick reference tool but not to replace human relationships and personal experience. By introspecting my past… It is within the recovery community and my personal relationships where I find inspiration to write.

We learn from one another when we listen and seek understanding. It’s important no matter what your political persuasion to share your experience because it helps to understand why people think they way they do. But when AI ignores the personal experiences of those who have witnessed history that is when we are bound to repeat it and not heal.

Introducing—Graffiti Playground On Notes

When the weather warms up and we are ready to venture to the great outdoors I welcome my Substack community and literary friends to my playground.

Graffiti Playground—A gathering place where artfully expressed words are set-free from cultural expectation and untethered by the algorithms of the digital world.

After reviewing my post and creating several different drafts, using Chatgpt to gather feedback on why AI found my post problematic I finally chose to post it.

Deciphering the truth: Who’s narrative should we believe? shares my current struggle with social media and the news. I illustrate my point by sharing a recent trip to Spain and comparing a stay at the Gran Hotel La Perla, where Hemingway frequented.

The problem wasn’t that I used Ernest Hemingway as an example but that I shared a personal experience, one that has shaped the woman I am today. The other example I shared is apparently something that is forbidden on the web. The real problem we have in our nation (the USA) and worldwide is not social media or the news networks, but we have a system put into place that ignores real-life experience because it doesn’t fit a narrative.

I don’t know if Google will allow my post, which Chatgpt claims has nothing to do with the validity or workmanship and that it is not offensive, rather positive in nature. I am grateful that Substack offers each of us a voice and an audience to speak our truth.

As writer’s it is easy to write for an algorithm and to suit cultural expectation. But we are called to write with authenticity. It is our integrity that is at stake when we change our narrative to fit SEO and AI.

If I am not at a good place spiritually and mentally that is when my peace is challenged.

The European Vacation

Months ago we, seven of us, planned a trip. Our journey took us to Spain to visit one man. We the Americans are as diverse of people as the countries we planned to visit.

On our trip I have discovered that each of us show up differently, given the same situation, and I found myself struggling to maintain my emotions. It’s truly an exercise in patience and compassion when traveling with a group. Depending how I show up makes a difference, not just on others but my peace.

Speaking Peace

Dr. Gary Chapman conceptualized the five love languages: Words of affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving gifts, Quality time, and Physical touch each represent a communication style of how people give and receive love. I am aware of each of my family members love languages, but on a family vacation it’s not always easy to express our love in these terms. When anger arises it’s always a challenge to speak in a peaceful manner.

When I am not practicing my daily exercises—starting my day in devotion and calm—that’s when I struggle with my anger and anxiety. Years past, I was an angry American, angered by the happenings of the world around me. The world was the biggest trigger that prompted change for my lifestyle.

Today, I strive to speak in a peaceful manner. My vacation proved just how tenuous my recovery is and that consistency in my actions is key. As a human I will be triggered and angry at times but it’s how I show up that makes all the difference.

How and Why We Should Speak Peace

Peace is defined as a freedom from disturbance. Is there really such a thing? We live in a world where there is no peace and it’s unlikely we will ever achieve it. I learned to not depend on the outside world for peace but to seek it within.

How

When I hop on the Substack and Facebook feeds I notice the angry people. Each fuming about living in a country that they are unhappy with, either because they don’t like the current administration or the opposition. These are the posts that attempt to steal the peace of others.

To speak the love language of peace is to remain calm and not get excited over what we can’t control. It’s about reducing conflict and creating unity. The speaker of peace isn’t stirring the pot and provoking arguments.

At one time, over four years ago, I was easily triggered by the actions of others. I tried to not instigate but rather trolled and negatively commented on the posting of others. There was nothing peaceful about the way I chose to show up on social media.

Why

What this lack of peace did was promote my bad coping skills. I used alcohol to offer comfort, choosing wine to decompress from living in a world that angered me. I didn’t have much of a filter and very little discernment when it came to my communication.

In the last five years I have implemented better coping skills. I choose to work on myself and not fixate on an environment that lacks peace. Learning to speak peace promotes healthy relationships.

When others are angered, I don’t need to be triggered. I can choose calm over chaos, listen when someone else is angered and be a safe place for them to vent. How I show up can help create a peaceful environment.

Her European Vacation

It didn’t take long before our vacation went sideways. My eldest daughter came down with food poisoning, which left my youngest to hit the ski slopes with me, my husband and our host.

With our host taking the lead, we took the lift midway up the mountain to ski. With little communication (language barrier) he started us on an advanced slope. It’s been years since we have each skied and did not expect to start at a more advanced level.

Although the temperatures were in the teens, my daughter froze out of fear. Her anxiety took her in full panic mode, seeing the only way down was not the beginner slope she mentally prepared herself for.

Although I didn’t act out of my frustration, I didn’t have the correct words of peace to offer my daughter. The solution to this problem was for our host (who spoke broken English) to take our daughter aside and sit with her while my husband and I did a couple runs. By the time we met up with them, the calming presence of our host had our daughter skiing like a champ.

Our Spanish friend could clearly communicate peace to our daughter, even with language being a barrier.

His European Vacation

When we picked up our rental car I was triggered by my husband’s behavior. All and all everything went smoothly because I prearranged the rental. What I discovered on our trip is that when my husband is under duress (something I knew all along but ignored) he shows up as an a-hole.

To read another rant about marriage check out, I do but sometimes I don’t: the problem with the Christian marriage.

Typically, I am able to remove myself from his presence and allow him to have his hissy fit. But stuck in an automobile doesn’t allow that luxury. This is when my coping skills are challenged and I epically failed twice on vacation with him.

During our trip, much of the time would be spent in our vehicle. My husband and I don’t always get along well when stuck together in a tin can.

His behavior prompted me to act out of my frustration. I didn’t have peaceful words for my husband. The solution was to place a barrier between us. Our youngest daughter drove shot-gun in our rental, and we ended having the best time traveling the first leg of our trip.

My husband is less likely to take out his aggression on others than myself. This isn’t just a problem we have as a married couple but the other couple too struggles with this problem. The solution is to offer a barrier between us.

Anger Management

My new lifestyle, one that is spiritually centered not driven by alcohol helps me to control my emotions. A night of binge drinking with my oldest daughter kept me from being the mother she needed during a crisis. Today I prefer to have full control over my emotions and I know that alcohol only interferes.

Our European Vacation

Our trip included alcohol so I had to mentally prepare myself. One evening our host planned a special dinner for us at Canfranc Estacion, an amazing restaurant in an abandoned train station. While half of us monitored our drinking the others indulged.

We drove two cars to the restaurant, one of the cars a Porsche owned by our host. My husband drove the Porsche into the town and my daughter’s boyfriend was the chosen one to drive home (the designated driver). The windy roads kept him from speeding which alerted the cops.

What could have been disastrous, ended up with hurt feelings and conflict. Under pressure, my daughter’s boyfriend handled the situation well.

In the chaos of the traffic stop, my husband was in full anger mode, while the loud host argued with the officers, but it was the peaceful presence of one man that got them out of trouble. It’s about how we show up in certain situations.

Needless to say, when the Porsche and it’s passengers arrived to the hotel I lost it. I didn’t have the patience and understanding to deal with my husband’s emotional rant. I did, however, offer my daughter’s boyfriend gratitude for getting everyone home safe. And I was able to be there for my daughters to deal with the aftermath because I maintained my sobriety.

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Shalom—the Ultimate Love Language

It is through deepening my relationship with Christ that I find I can handle situations that agitate me. I know what I need to do each day, to set the tone that offers me peace. And there will be days that I fall short.

Not only is it about being calm but whole. It’s the core attribute of what Christ stands for: peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, love, joy, and most importantly for me self-control. I wasn’t able to maintain my control with my husband the night the police pulled over the others in our group.

Communicating love is important, but when traveling abroad being able to speak and understand the language is important for the success of a trip. My suggestion to all is to learn the basics of the language of the host country and do your best to assimilate to meet the cultural differences. Even when dinnertime abroad is your typical bedtime!

How do you show up?

Angry Karen showed up because of the stupid actions of a group. How do you show up when under duress? In a peaceful manner or lacking self-control?

Yesterday I received a new subscriber and this morning I lost one. I appreciate the opportunity to have someone new view my writing and I appreciate the other person who says, “It’s not for me.”

I finally get it! Each person’s writing is as unique as the reader. Some people it just takes longer to figure this out🙃

Last evening, I arrived home from a eleven day vacation. My vacation took me to Spain and France, where I focused on being present (and did very little writing).

This break gave me time to ponder my writing and the direction of my publishing future. A busy writing schedule lies ahead as I take each experience and memory and thoughtfully craft each upcoming post. Break over… It’s time to start writing again!

What the truth sounds like…

One minute my daughter says, “Mom, your such a good writer. I will be reading your book on vacation.” And the next, she says, “It’s too much information.” Then she goes quiet.

With the exception of my daughters, a couple close friends and a literary friend I don’t know where my book stands with others. It’s quite painful 🥵as a writer to expose ourselves and not receive feedback.

We are left discouraged 🥺, left questioning, “Do I continue?”

Truth

The truth isn’t something that we can receive solely from others. Others can’t offer us our truth, only their truth. We can only find our truth within.

When we don’t get actual feedback we tend to jump to conclusions. It’s easier to think the worst and allow our insecurities to threaten our writing aspirations. Sometimes we need to ask for the truth which takes courage.

What is truth?

Truth is reality. It’s not a perception. When we try to interpret a readers experience after reading our writing it’s not an accurate account of our work. It’s when we know it’s time to ask, “Hey did you read my book and what are your thoughts?”

Who’s truth is it?

When one person offers a negative review or unsubscribes to our newsletter clearly that is their truth. That doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same. We cannot let another person’s truth dictate how we see ourselves.

Where do we find personal truth?

While metrics, including book sales and reviews, is a great place to start as a published writer to discover the impact our writing has on others, it doesn’t account for the silent audience. Your writing has a far greater impact then you know.

Our personal truth isn’t something we receive from others but by self-reflection. It is through our introspection and experiences where we discover our personal truth. I’ve learned so much about myself writing an “Introspective” novel, but am learning even more about myself as a published author.

Truth or Dare

It takes courage to seek the truth. But as writers it’s really the best way to grow. My challenge to you is to read the introduction of Swallow Your Pride and offer your truth on my book.

My truth is that I am a passionate writer. Although it is difficult to not receive the feedback I desire, my passion to write far outweighs my need for accolades for my book. This is what keeps my writing and publishing dreams alive.

I dare you to keep going, even if you don’t think anyone is reading your writing. Over time your writing will reach its intended audience. And the truth will be evident, writing is more than what your audience has to say about your book but the impact writing has on your well-being.

At the cost of possibly losing a subscriber, I chose this subtitle, The gift of not giving a rat’s a$s, as opposed to one equally as derogatory. And that’s okay, but it’s not easy because I can use all the subscribers I can get! My real threat is the title, Learning to Give Unconditionally, because my message is Christian-based. It is through Christ that I am learning to give unconditionally.

There is much to learn about the writing process. We need to educate ourselves on story structure and grammar, publishing, and marketing. On top of these crucial components of writing, we need to learn how to be a good literary citizen by supporting others and their writing. Learning to give unconditionally to others who don’t seem to give a rat’s a$s about our own writing isn’t easy.

Every thought we put into words, we risk losing a follower. My subscriber list is like a roller coaster, it’s up and then it’s down. It’s up to me, I can choose to unsubscribe to them as well or continue to follow their journey. It’s a choice to support them unconditionally.

Learning to give unconditionally by gifting a heart to a literary friend who shares a Substack post or note, while ignoring my writing and to my social media friends, offering them each a thumbs up without expecting anything in return has been difficult for me. What helps me is to not give a rat’s a$s if they offer me a heart or a the thumbs up in return. Rather, I find joy in writing and sharing from my heart.

Nobody is asking me to write this newsletter. And nobody is making you read it. I am offering a gift, consider it a belated Christmas present. Do with it what you will but know I don’t accept returns.

A Friend’s Gift

When I first started writing (less than five years ago), I asked a couple friends to read what I had written. I was looking for validation, that my words were worthy. A few friends graciously accepted, while others ignored my request. A few friends offered me feedback, while others silence.

Nobody said, “Karen, you need to write your story.” My friends support my recovery journey unconditionally. They don’t need to read my story and offer a thumbs up or heart of encouragement.

It is disheartening when our friends dismiss our writing, questioning, Do we bore them with our words? Then a friend, who is an English teacher and fellow writer said, “Karen, I want to read more of this!”

My friend requested I include more of the previous storytelling in my book. Throughout my introspective novel I interjected pieces of flash fiction. Jezebel, the antagonist, appears alongside her love-interest, Casanova. Each demonstrating how temptation presents itself in our lives.

It’s important to have a well-crafted message when we write a book or newsletter, but to retain the reader’s attention it is equally important to entertain with our words. Swallow Your Pride’s message is directed towards the reader, the woman that stands in the way of her own recovery. It’s a tough message to swallow, so it’s important that my writing style makes it digestible.

The message must be clear and concise. My attention span is short and it takes a lot to retain my attention. The writer’s voice helps me to determine if I should continue to follow another writer’s journey, even if they are not interested in my writing.

I discovered a gift, the passion of writing flash fiction. My gift to you includes short fictional storytelling, used as a plot devise, to introduce the antagonist, Jezebel and her sidekick Casanova.

God’s Gift

I, nor my writing, is God’s gift to you. God has equipped each of us with spiritual gifts. AI states that Spiritual Gifts are special supernatural abilities given by God (through the Holy Spirit). God has gifted many writers on Substack with the gift of communicating through their words.

God’s words are provided for each of us in the Bible. He has also gifted us with His Son, whose birthday we just celebrated. Gift-giving at Christmas time is symbolic of the Magi who gave the gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to baby Jesus.

My gift to you… Do you know that Jesus wasn’t a newborn when the Magi, the three wise men, presented their gifts? He was between the age of twelve months and two years.

AI’s overview: The Magi’s gifts teach powerful lessons about Jesus’ identity and inspire each of us to share our time and talent. As writers we need to educate ourselves by reading and learning from others, unconditionally, even if they have a separate set of beliefs. It isn’t easy but that is how we grow.

Not only are we to entertain with our words but strengthen our message with Biblical truths. My relationship with Christ started less than five years ago, so I am still in my infancy stage and continue to grow my faith and as a writer.

Do you know the year Christ was born? Most of the friends I asked equated His birth with BC, guessing 0 B.C. There is no year zero but it was during the reign of King Herod, 6-4 BC.

The Gift of Recovery

Unconditionally, we support one another in recovery, letting others know we are their for them no matter what. It doesn’t mean we support poor choices and enable negative behavior but offer compassion for life’s trials. The gifts received by working our steps, free us from our unhealthy character traits.

I don’t like everyone’s writing style, but I like that they have courage to show up. Unconditionally, I keep showing up for them; sharing their writing, liking if I don’t love what I read, without expecting anything in return. And it’s okay, but it isn’t easy because my character defects interfere with my good intentions.

People Pleasing

I have found myself agreeing to review fellow writers’ books, even after I found they aren’t a good fit for me. Then fear of being rejected, I have trouble saying “no.” My intention is to help them by giving a 5-star review, leading to resentment.

A gift to myself is to stop being a people pleaser, rather look for Substack’s that I enjoy reading and help me to grow as a writer. And learn to properly communicate, if I am not interested. I am discovering the gift of satisfying myself.

At first I found myself liking someone else’s Substack because I wanted them to like me. This approach only upset me, when I discovered not everyone will unconditionally choose to follow my journey. And that’s okay, but it isn’t easy because I know my writing isn’t for everyone.

Self-Seeking Behavior

My people pleasing started because I wanted others to like and share my writing, even if they didn’t. I know it’s wrong to feel this way. It’s self-seeking behavior and considered sinful. It perpetuates an unhealthy cycle of not being authentic on Substack.

A gift to myself is that my writing doesn’t need the approval of others. I find healing through writing and connections through sharing unconditionally.

Humility

Alcohol is what introduced me to the need to recover but pride is why I remain in recovery. Of all the sins: greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth—it is pride that brought me down.

A once pride-filled woman (still am), I discovered that humility is the antithesis of Pride. The key to humility is learning to put other’s first. The gift of humility allows me to give unconditionally, not expecting anything in return.

A Gift For Myself

In 2026 I will continue to write from my heart and share to connect with others. However, a gift for myself is to switch gears and focus on fiction. I will be investing in myself, choosing to follow other writer’s and professionals I can learn from. There is no greater joy than doing what I love.

Thank You - My Gift to You

I will continue to support other writers unconditionally and be grateful for the gift of time. When I offer you a like or share it will be from a grateful ❤️. When I receive your newsletter in my inbox, I may not have time to read it and acknowledge it with a heart or offer a comment, but I consider your writing a gift.

I wasn’t going to give you a gift this holiday season. But by offering this gift to you, it’s also a gift for me! Writing out my emotions helps me to process my unhealthy thoughts. My self-seeking and people-pleasing behaviors have gotten the better of me.

I do want to thank you for taking the time to read. There is no need to like or share. You just need to know I’m grateful for your time.

Waking up each morning with my husband is a chore. It’s exhausting.

My job as his wife is to take care of him. Each day he requires emotional support (which he isn’t even aware of) and nourishment (which comes in several forms).

This morning is no different. We wake to our dog’s need to relieve herself. Our dog is much less demanding than my husband. After a few minutes left alone in bed, I say a quick prayer, and join my husband for coffee. I have thirty-five minutes to talk my husband out of his tizzy and put a pot of oatmeal on the stove before heading to the gym.

My husband, as usual, is fixated on yesterdays problems. He discusses a solution to his crisis from an unhealthy place, out of his anger. I tell him, “Work on your emotions then let’s talk out your problem.” Not only do I need to maintain my sanity but for peace within our marriage I need to deal with my husband.

Before I slam the door to leave for Yoga I yell back, “Can you move this piece of furniture to the sunroom?”

A Sudden Death

Life on Earth is undervalued. We wake up, live our lives, and then die. Either a slow expected death or a sudden death.

At the moment I am in the “live my life” stage. Each morning my husband and I wake to our routine. But one of these mornings, one of us won’t wake up to the other. It’s a thought that has been haunting me lately.

I find myself not being grateful, placing value in my husband. What if suddenly my husband dies? Who will move my furniture to where it needs to be?

My Girlfriend’s Story

The other day I was with a girlfriend and we were discussing her health. She has a rare respiratory disease that was diagnosed less than five years ago. My question, “Do you know anyone else with this disease?” She replied, “Yes. They are both my age (in their mid-50’s) and have already died. I’m just hoping to die in my sleep like they have.”

Her statement stuck with me. My friend who lives with a rare respiratory disease each day questions, “Will my husband wake up alone tomorrow morning?” She is preparing for a sudden death.

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Preparing for Death

Then I have my friends and family members who have already lost their significant other’s from death. Some from a drawn out death and others more sudden. Nobody ever seems prepared for a loved one’s death.

It could take ten years or so, like my friend whose husband died of ALS or less than a year, like my friend’s husband whose cancer returned. My husband and I don’t know what our future holds. But one of these days we will find out.

I find myself living in fear of death, not just my own, but my husband’s. How would I ever be able to handle all of the maintenance needed to run my home? And I worry with my demise how will he ever survive?!

My Girlfriend’s Story

Recently, I finished reading a short-form memoir that shares how God’s grace meets us in the uncertainty that follows death. Grace In the Gray, Finding God’s Presence in the Midst of Uncertainty is written by Gwen Humphreys Kangas, a woman I met at a church recovery program. I bought her book, not because the topic was of interest to me, but to support Gwen. She is articulate with verbalizing her words and turns out to be a gifted writer.

It didn’t take long before I realized the impact her book has on my current situation. Reading her book helped to put my fears of losing my husband who is very much alive at bay. Like me, she finds healing through her writing.

Grace In the Gray, Finding God’s Presence in the Midst of Uncertainty

A Book Review

Grace In the Gray, Finding God’s Presence in the Midst of Uncertainty is a blessing for not just the woman who recently lost a partner but for the woman who lives in fear of the death of a spouse. Gwen’s book helps the widow navigate her grief and for the married woman prepares the heart for a future loss. Gwen mentions it is in the gray places—the uncertain spaces in life where God is doing the deepest work. They are the spaces where we learn to listen and surrender.

Grace In The Gray

A Wakeup Call

We are all going to experience the grief of losing a loved one in life. Why wait until a death of a loved one to learn how to process grief? Reading Gwen’s short booklet is a preventative guide to understand how God’s grace will meet us and gently walk us through the gray spaces of uncertainty.

Preparing our hearts for death is a necessary part of living. I don’t want to die broken hearted. In recovery we work on hurts and hang ups that contribute to a broken heart that’s filled with resentment and bitterness. It’s in our eternal home, in heaven, where the value of life lies.

The message needs to be clear and enticing without offending them. As a sinner who opens up about her shameful past I’ve already lost a few Christian along the way. And by reflecting on scripture, I find many in the secular community are not open to my message.

Both groups, the Christians and secular community, need to step out of denial and into my story.

Find your audience in the most unlikely places.

When I launched my book I didn’t pull out all the stops. There were no 🔔 & whistles, 🎆 and 🎊, just a simple post on my social media sharing my book, Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery. I didn’t get a standing 👏🏽, just 💕, 👍🏽 and congrats!

Perhaps, I didn’t take advantage of the hoopla of being a newly published author by doing a grand book launch. That’s not my style. While I’m grateful for all of the well wishes, it’s the people who remain silent on social media that are making the biggest impact. The private messages, phone calls, and one-on-one shares on how my writing impacts them, tells me I am finding my audience.

It’s in the quiet spaces that you will find your audience. Your published words are whispers that offer encouragement. Your potential audience doesn’t need to be blogged down by daily posts, just a weekly reminder that you haven’t forgotten them.

There is no need to create a lot of fuss.

The Rooms of Recovery

I received a resounding heart of encouragement from a recent Instagram story. A woman who I’ve seen in my yoga studio and runs in the recovery circles in my community offered her encouragement by sharing her 💓 for my book. It was a pleasant surprise from an unexpected friend.

Then there are my friends I met in recovery the last several years. While they feign interest in my writing, many remain silent. They understand that recovery isn’t about the noise we make but how our lives quietly impact those around us. These women are a constant source of encouragement just by being present.

Our audience will come and go depending on their journey.

In Your Past

The best advice given to find my audience is to go to the place they hang out. People found in the rooms of recovery have already stepped out of denial. I just need to get them to step into my story.

Recovery is ongoing and it’s not so much about writing our memoir but listening to another person’s story. We do a lot of talking but do more listening. The problem is there is a pre-recovery Karen and a post-recovery Karen.

The majority of the people I know on social media know the pre-recovery Karen, unlike my friends I made over the last four years. The pre-recovery friends know how far I’ve come. It’s the congratulatory phone call from my husband’s close friend. He doesn’t hang out on social media but lives in the town where I once lived.

People talk, your story will get out.

In Your Community

My husband’s friend isn’t my audience but knows me well. I’ve spent twenty-five+ years in a community that watched me rise and fall. It’s a community I let down.

I decided early on to openly post my recovery journey. Not for sympathy or accolades but for healing. My audience are the people I did/do life with.

Recovery isn’t just about personal growth and healing but giving back to the community. Amends is a big part of growth and not everyone wants to hear my apology. The living amends is how it’s done.

Social Media A Tool To Find Your Audience

A gift of recovery is mended relationships. Swallow Your Pride builds bridges to heal. Social media is the best way to get our message out to our intended audience. And it’s to the community that I let down.

I’ve burned bridges on social media. I didn’t take the time to listen, choosing to silence friends who had opposing views than mine. Social media is a tool to rebuild these fractured relationships.

I received a random text from a friend who I unfriended years ago on Facebook. He congratulated me, mentioning his girlfriend shared my book. It was my book’s message that interests him.

He isn’t my audience but can share with others Swallow Your Pride’s message.

Swallow Your Pride isn’t for everyone.

My messaging is clear and making its way to those who are open to it. The Introduction of Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery clearly lays out the problem and solution.

The intended audience of Swallow Your Pride:

• The sinner, not the saint

• The woman who isn’t easily offended but especially the woman who is

• The woman who is open to spiritual healing but especially the woman who isn’t

• The middle-aged woman who lost her way following the child-rearing stage

• The woman struggling to maintain her alcohol use

• The man who doesn’t understand the middle-aged woman😉

Most importantly this book is for the woman who is too proud to read my writing. She is who will benefit the most. This is the woman that chooses to remain in denial. She is the pre-recovery Karen.

Prior to choosing recovery I would not have been looking for my book. It took me fifty years to discover my inner peace and it’s in Swallow Your Pride where I share my quest and how I found it. Here’s a clue… You don’t have to look far (💌)!

Finding your audience when they are silent.

How do you know when someone hears you and reads what you have to say? Most people, me included, are not vocal on social media. Over time it’s easy to make assumptions that people don’t care about our writing. We couldn’t be further from the truth.

Per AI the “silent audience” refers to people consuming content or attending events without publicly engaging (liking, commenting, speaking), but who are still listening, learning, and making decisions, acting as crucial “lurkers,” buyers, or future clients.

It takes time to develop and cultivate an audience. And it’s usually the lurker that will be most impacted by what you have to say. Eventually, they will reveal themselves to you.

Be patient, your audience will come.

I know my audience hears me. They just may not be ready to listen what I have to say. But if I continue to quietly share, they might realize it is them I am speaking to and overtime listen to what I have to say.

Patience is something that I acquired in recovery. The other positive qualities I strive to conquer are love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, and self-control. These are the fruits of the Spirit by working our Christian recovery steps we are promised each of them.

Why wait another day to read a book that could change your life?

Swallow Your Pride

Finding your audience even if its just One.

By writing and sharing with authenticity, our stories build trust. By writing for an audience of one, being God, I’ve been learning to trust the process. In time, I know my writing will find that one person that needs the encouragement to keep growing.

When I noticed friends celebrating with friends. Each too busy to see that I published my paperback book. Don’t they know that it’s a time to celebrate me?

Aren’t they proud of how far I’ve come? I click to see who my likes are… The first like is from a girl I met in Kindergarten. She’s known me for 50+ years. Oh… and look… my daughter likes my post. She’s been with me her whole life!

I start to scroll to see what everyone else is up to… wow… he is clearly pissed and needs to read my book. Good thing he gave it a thumbs up. Oh… look… she recently published her book in Ebook format. I just ordered her print book. I wonder will she like my post and order my book in return?

My mind goes where it shouldn’t… who liked her book but isn’t liking mine? Envy starts rearing her ugly head. I resist temptation and don’t look.

I’ve been told it’s the algorithms. That’s why I don’t see your post… they offer, when I don’t even ask. I don’t need anyone’s validation so I keep posting.

Still why her and not me?

My resentment starts to build. Jealousy starts to creep in. My joy is being held hostage by my toxic mind.

And then you have the others… those who quietly share how my writing impacts them. The silent words that don’t need expressed on social media but hold such power. It’s the words that remain in our hearts that are most meaningful.

It’s why I share… not for the accolades but for the healing. When the feelings of envy and jealousy pop up it means I am a work in progress. It’s time to deal with my emotions and to write.

I don’t need you, nor do I need others to recognize my work. It’s an honor to share my thoughts to whoever they reach. So… I keep writing… because my words offer me joy.

If you haven’t heard… my book, Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery is available on Amazon!

Preview Swallow Your Pride

How can one word, one syllable in length, have the power to rip your heart in two💔?

Ouch, is all she says, as she holds her head, before she slips away. My mother takes a quick nap to offer me a reprieve from the guilt I carry as I watch her suffer.

When she comes to, her words echo, “It hurts, it hurts,” a reminder that the head injury is more than a traumatic event, but she is left with physical pain, along with mental anguish we share.

These are the words that I am to remember my mother by, when I think of our final visit, the Sunday before her death. They are gut wrenching words.

The Cause of the Pain

Mid-September my mother had a fall. It’s always the fall. The elderly usually decline after falling. But this wasn’t your typical fall. It was due to negligence.

My mother who has very limited mobility was getting prepped for a shower. She lived in a nursing home that is listed in US News & World Report as being one of the Best Nursing Homes, 2025. The job to bathe my mother is for a two-assist, when one of the aids left the room, leaving my mother with one. My mother while sitting lost her balance (she no longer has core strength) and head-first fell to the ground. The result twenty-six staples on her head.

As a daughter (or a mother when it happens to a child) when something like this happens to their loved one, the pain is too great to bear. The injured lives with the physical pain, while the loved one carries the emotional toll of the fall.

Pain Compounds

The last month hasn’t been easy. But the last eleven years, since my father passed, have been unbearable for my mother and me as her daughter.

• The night my father died, earlier that day my mother left for a vacation. She desperately needed a reprieve from her marriage of 50+ years. My sister and I were left to find our father dead.

• Within a two-year period, my mother’s high school sweetheart (who was married) reached out to my mother promising to leave his wife for her. My mother was very vulnerable.

• Following a late-night argument with the high school boyfriend, my mother fraught with emotion got in her vehicle and had an horrific car accident causing severe leg injuries.

• The boyfriend moved into her home and my mother got a flu shot. Following the influenza vaccination she was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, a debilitating syndrome that leaves the body in full paralysis before slowly, painfully each nerve cell wakes up. The Cost of Victory shares this story.

• The boyfriend left my mother with a broken heart, following a lengthy rehabilitation.

• My mother in need of additional care moved into the retirement community and COVID struck, isolating the elderly from human contact with the exception of very limited healthcare workers.

• Meanwhile I, as her daughter, moved away unable to spend the precious remaining time with her.

My mother’s life was a living hell. She was a Christian woman with a steadfast faith over the years that sustained her. But I question, “Did she die a Christian or angry doubting God’s existence?”

I can’t help but to be pissed off at God.

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The Unresolved Guilt

Although our home appeared picture perfect, my parent’s relationship was very unhealthy. I learned by my father’s example to disrespect my mother. I carry tremendous guilt for how I treated my mother.

Instead of offering my mother compassion over the years, I judged her. God has showed up and has been helping me process my feelings. The last five years I’ve had tremendous growth and have come to terms with the unhealthy relationships of my upbringing. And I made an amends to my mother.

But I still remain angry with God. Why did my mom’s life have to turn out like it did? She suffered until the bitter end. I prayed to God this past month to just take her. No woman should have to live with the chronic pain of a head injury and no daughter should live with the guilt.

So, I continue to pray and ask God to help me. He is a compassionate God and respects our feelings.

How God Works In My Life

There are seasons in the life of a writer, when we write not to share but to heal. We place our emotions on paper to cleanse ourselves of the guilt and shame, surrendering those emotions to God. I haven’t been on my social media or posting just to post. And as I reflect on what I wrote my writing has been very dark.

I have been in a dark place.

My mother passed away on October 11, we buried her October 15, and then on October 16 I headed south from Pennsylvania to Florida. I stopped to visit with a group of girlfriends for four nights and to meet another friend for a day before getting settled in my Florida home.

Yesterday, I sat to share to my social media and I was overcome with emotion. A Mother’s Love Softens A Rigid Foundation is what I wrote.

Writing this tribute to my mother offered healing and it was when I hit publish on Facebook did I find myself grieving her death. I’ve bottled up my emotions, not allowing myself to grieve, when the words and tears came gushing out. My words relieved the pain I carried and my tears brought comfort.

God shows up through my written expression and His words offer me hope, perseverance, and inspiration.

How Words Are Used to Heal

If you are stuck in a season of difficulty, angry with God, and consumed with guilt don’t forget to allow yourself to grieve. Guilt is the feeling that arises from sin or wrongdoing. It keeps us from moving forward and this past month I haven’t been very social, rather I found myself lost in my writing.

As human we tend to keep everything bottled up, keeping us in a dark place. Writing is a great outlet to heal through expressing our emotions. And when we share there is a sense of closure.

How has writing helped with your healing?

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I just signed the hospice paperwork. As the first point of contact, I signed the do not resuscitate orders and comfort only. It’s as if I have been given permission to play god. Do I choose to make my mother live in agony or pray for peace?

Each day… each hour… now each minute… I wait…

The Waiting Game

My mother is the one who planted the seed. She is a Christian woman, was for most of her life. My dad was the problem. She watched as my perfect life slowly… destructed. Fortunately, she was protected from the devastation I caused.

My mom waited… and waited… for the seed of faith to be cultivated. And because of her patience on April 6, 2021 my seed sprouted. It’s been blossoming ever since.

But now I wait… on my mom. For her physical death.

Lessons From Mom

This past weekend we visited friends who recently became parents. They got married and within a couple months became pregnant. They didn’t have to wait… long. But then the waiting started… It takes nine months to create life.

Then the waiting starts… we watch our children grow with awe and wonder. We meticulously plan their lives. As if we have any say. Along the way we teach our children, leading by example.

And then one day if the child is lucky (because no parent should have to watch their child die) they can be there at the end of life for their parent. After visiting our friends and their new baby I got to spend a couple hours with my mother. I knew it would be the last time.

How To Wait

I learned how to wait… from my mother. She was always late. It didn’t help me build patience, only resentment towards her.

Ironically, I learned to be a punctual person because of having to wait… on my mother.

How To Be Patient

I was never a patient person and today I am (truthfully I still struggle at times). We don’t know when our mother will die. It could be a day or a week. We will wait… and see.

It is through building a relationship with Christ (thanks to that seed) that I am learning about patience. It’s because of understanding that life isn’t about our will but God’s Will.

How To Plan

My mom may have kept me waiting… but she was a pretty good planner. She taught frugality and organization of activities. She was a mother who was very much involved in my childhood.

In fact, she purposely planned to be absent during the time of my father’s death. I took her to the airport so she could have a reprieve from her marriage. My father kept my mother from living.

Left in charge of my ailing father, I stopped to see him late in the afternoon after dropping my mom off at the airport. The next morning I called to check on him and he did not answer. The next call was to my sister who lives over an hour away. She came immediately and we went to check on dad together.

His death went off as planned. Alone. My sister and I were left to deal with his demise. I held onto bitterness and resentment towards my mother.

My Life Put On Hold

Over six months ago a group of girlfriends started planning. We picked the dates October 16-20 for a trip to Savannah, Georgia. And have been waiting… and now it’s a week away.

They are to fly and I am planning on driving. My husband and I move south for the cool months so this trip fits right into our planning. I will be driving separate to meet up with my girlfriends. I even planned an extra stop to visit a girlfriend who moved south that I have seen in over six years. I’ve waited… a long time to see her.

But now I find myself waiting… on my mom once again. How sad it is to wait… for someone to die in order to live.

Now that my mother waits… to die I start to think about the time left unlived. I’m missing my mother and she’s not even gone.

The Importance of Healed Relationships Prior to Death

Over four years ago, I started the amends process with my mother. Left angry from my childhood, I held her responsible. She bore the weight of my father’s anger and as her child I acted out against her.

Amends is a process. We have to wait… and not rush something so important. The sooner we deal with the hurt and anger from our childhood into adulthood the sooner we can heal.

Fortunately, I was able to offer my mom a verbal amends for how I treated her over the years. But I am still waiting… on fully forgiving myself. I live with guilt.

Healing Through God’s Word

My mother was the one who introduced God’s Word by taking us to church. I didn’t like it as a child and waited… for the church service to be over. But as an adult the sermons started to make sense.

Scripture has a way of resonating with my life. If I’m patient the words come and offer comfort. This morning while I wrestle with guilt I didn’t have to wait… long.

Living Life for My Mother

At the age of fifty when I welcomed Christ into my life I really started to live. If it wasn’t for my mother I don’t know where I would be now. Most likely at the same place but not with this contentment in my heart.

Earlier this week I did another BIG thing. I selfish published a book. I have only told a few people and am waiting… to make my big announcement over the weekend. The book is dedicated to my mother for planting that seed of spirituality.

My mother believed in recovery. I recall a time in my adolescence that she asked me to attend an Al-Anon meeting with her and out of ignorance I said no. She waited… the life of her marriage to be set free from my father. It is extremely difficult to be married to an addict.

It’s Time to Live

No longer will I waste my time waiting… Life is meant to be lived. I choose to surround myself with women who are waiting… for healing. I write to heal and to offer others hope.

That has been my recent thought, which is why in the near future I’m planning on living out a dream. Unlike my father who passed eleven years ago, he died before publishing his book. Although, I won’t be publishing his book, I will be the first in our family to self-publish a book.

My Death

Four years ago I started to write a book that shared my sinner’s death. Within a year of writing, I wrote a transformative story that would guide me into a new chapter of my life. With each step of the process my dreams started to take shape.

Then I got stuck. I found myself dead in my tracks.

Today I am stepping over each stumbling block, courageously accepting the challenge I placed on myself years ago. Life is a journey and we are fully equipped to make it to our destination. The only roadblock we have is ourselves.

Preparations Needed

I have no formal training to be a professional writer, nor the connections to succeed easily in the competitive book-selling market place. What I do have is a once weak foundation that has been fortified with the Holy Spirit. I have everything it takes to accomplish my goals.

• Delusional Mind

• Instruction

• Backstory

• Recovery

A Delusional Mind

To be a good story teller I do believe that one needs to be slightly delusional. The previous statement “fortified with the Holy Spirit” is exactly what is needed to be a recovery writer. I am not claiming to have mental health issues, but I have experienced a transformation that would leave many to question my sanity.

The work of many of the writing greats is born out of their struggles, blurring the lines between real life and everyday challenges. For many the struggles lead to alcoholism and the need for recovery. However, recovery may not be fully achieved within their lifetime. Instead living a life of delusion.

Edgar Allan Poe who battled substance abuse was a man in need of recovery. His early life was fraught with death and abandonment that led to a path of alcoholism. Out of his troubled mind, brilliant work was created.

Delusion In Writing

Delusion is used in character development, creating characters that are complex, based on real-life struggle. It’s used to create a story world that tests the boundaries of what is possible. With delusion we can explore the depths of storytelling.

Instruction To Learn

To be a published writer one needs formal instruction. The extent of my training was general education for English. I am learning as I go. However, I did have a father who was an accomplished writer.

I attended college and worked as a casework designer for my profession, designing beautiful kitchens and bathrooms. My work has been published in trade magazines and used for corporate marketing. I lived to witness my dreams of publishing my design work come to fruition.

My father was my foremost educator when it came to writing. I struggled with learning and did not excel in grammar. He proofed my papers and was critical. He taught me not to use fluff.

Instruction In Life

My father, like Edgar Allan Poe, struggled with alcoholism for most of his adult life. Even though he went for long periods of time abstaining from alcohol use, prescription drugs were used in lieu of the liquid spirits. He taught me to use substances for coping, instead of surrendering our problems to God.

Did my father not know about recovery? Or was his life too painful for him to overcome his past?

Understanding the Backstory

It wasn’t until I committed myself to recovery that I understood why I struggled. With courage I started to take on my past. My father, like Edgar Allan Poe, had a past. Both men experienced death, loss, and the yearning for respect.

Edgar Allan Poe, A Troubled Start

Born 1809 to David Poe and Elizabeth Arnold Hopkins Poe. At the age of one Edgar was abandoned by his father. A year later his mother succumbed to tuberculosis dying at the age of 21.

After being sent to live with a wealthy childless couple, Edgar moved at the age of six and attended boarding school in England. Mr. and Mrs. John Allan never legally adopted Edgar but extended the name Allan.

Poe enrolled at the University of Virginia in 1826. It was there where he acquired the reputation of being a heavy drinker. At that point he dropped out of the University steeped in debt. His stepfather graciously paid it off.

His next move was to Boston, to work as a part-time newspaper writer. The financial pressures led him to join the Army. Following several years in and out of service in the US military, he was court-martialed, and dismissed from service.

To help pay his family’s expenses and to subsidize his poetry Poe began writing short stories. In 1833 he achieved success with “MS. Found in a Bottle.” This award winning piece of fiction led him to a job with the Southern Literary Messenger, advancing to Editor.

In 1836 Edgar married his thirteen-year-old cousin, Virginia. Early in the marriage he was a diligent husband, who remained sober. He was recognized within the literary community for his enthusiasm in the critical review of his peers. However, his problem with drinking returned and he was let go of his first major literary job. This continued to be a trend.

My Father, A Troubled Start

My father was born to Albert and Vanda de Camara, 1940, in Washington, D.C.. Within a few months of birth his father, Albert, died a tragic death (speculative suicide). Vanda returned with my father to Philadelphia to be close to family.

Unable to raise her son as an unwed mother, at the age of six my father was enrolled in Girard College, a school for orphaned or fatherless boys. During his childhood and teenage years he lived away from his family and raised in a boarding school. He remained their until the age of seventeen when we enrolled in Gettysburg College, for English Literature.

It is in college where my father developed the thirst for alcohol. Following graduation he enlisted in the US Army and after an honorable discharge was hired as a Eastern Shore Newspaper Editor.

Later in his career my father established himself in corporate America, writing press releases and indulging his hobby of submitting publications to magazines and newspapers.

Left Dead In the Tracks

There is much mystery that surrounds the death of Edgar Allan Poe, but an account of his death reports alcoholism. October 3, 1849 in Baltimore Maryland, Edgar was found delirious and disheveled by friend and magazine editor, Joseph E. Snodgrass. He was transported to Washington College Hospital and treated for intoxication.

Although my father was an accomplished writer, he never fully recovered from his past. Anxiety and depression grabbed hold and his answer was substance abuse. Like the death of Edgar Allan Poe, my father’s death was inconclusive.

My father passed away eleven years ago and when going through his personal belongings I came across his manuscript. He and a fellow writer, Joe DiSanto, co-authored a book. I recall my father being pleased because Coca Cola was interested in the rights for part of their training guide. His dream was left dead in it’s tracks, both he and Joe died within a year of one another.

After completing Swallow Your Pride I decided to take it in a different direction than first intended. Originally written as a memoir I was encouraged to switch the genre to self-help. Writing the book was therapeutic but by publishing I will help others to introspect their own lives. Intimidated by the process I took a break to focus on other writing, until one day I had a spark of courage to continue. I formatted the book with headers for ease of use and journal prompts to engage conversation.

Backstory for Writing

Backstory provides the character’s motivations, creating depth and relatability. By sharing the previous generation of the character it provides greater understanding of what shaped the character. I have discovered the roots of my struggles in my father’s backstory. Once I understood my father’s struggles, even following his death, I was able to forgive him.

The Importance of Recovery

When we choose to hold on to bitterness and resentment we get stuck, which prevents our healing. Recovery isn’t just about substance abuse but more importantly our past. Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide for Recovery highlights the importance of introspection and identifying our character traits.

We are born with character traits, good and bad. The traits I inherited from my father have served me well over the years. I found enjoyment in alcohol, but at the expense of my life, which led to my rebirth. Writing has proven to provide healing in a time when I was desperate for change. In my opinion what my father lacked was working his recovery. He died a broken man, full of potential, who struggled throughout his life.

Recovery In Writing

There is so much potential in the stories of those who are successfully recovering from their past. Each story is a testimony and provides others with hope. The character’s naturally arc as the healing takes place. And provides for relatable characters.

A testimony for recovery offers the audience a glimpse at what life was like before recovery, during recovery, and offer hope to those just starting their journey. In Celebrate Recovery the testimony is to be written to show the transformation from God in one’s life.

Referencing the Word

Edgar Allan Poe referenced biblical scripture within his writings to evoke the universal themes of sin, guilt, and morality to resonate with his audience. His faith may have waned over the years but God’s Word carried through in his messages.

Applying scripture demonstrates the power of God’s word for healing. I find strength when I look towards the Bible for inspiration. The study of scripture helps us relate our everyday struggles and offers continued hope.

Dedication

My gift to my father is the publication of, Swallow Your Pride, A Writer’s Guide to Recovery. I decided to self-publish under my maiden name, de Camara Publishing. In my family and the family of Edgar Allan Poe alcohol abuse was part of the generational trauma. Through my recovery I am breaking the curse.

I am fully equipped to self-publish a recovery guide, not because of a degree in Journalism or English Lit but because I understand the problem. And through working the steps of my recovery understand the solution.

The In-Law

Eventually, it might happen, a new member will join your family. And you won’t have any say. So you will need to decide how to show up in that relationship, accepting or difficult.

“We can’t pick our in-laws,” is the opinion I wanted to tell a mother in Yoga last week. She was complaining about her son’s girlfriend, as if she was the one dating her. If only we could create the perfect mate for our children, just like they wish to create their perfect mother-in-law.

I am just sharing my humbled opinion. What is it with mothers and their opinions?

My Opinion

Although I am excited for both of my friends, each planning to welcome this new family member with open arms, I can’t help but to relate to the Yoga mom. I am fairly certain that “I” was the daughter-in-law my husband’s parents rather he didn’t marry. I didn’t fit the mold of the conservative, churching going young woman, but I was the girlfriend he chose. Overtime they warmed up to me and by the time they each passed away our relationships were healthy and strong.

You can’t base your feelings on the early relationship. People change, some for the better and others the worse.

The Girlfriend

The Girlfriend (click on link to view trailer) per AI is a psychological thriller series on Amazon Prime Video starring Robin Wright as an art dealer who becomes suspicious of her son's new girlfriend, Cherry (Olivia Cooke), questioning whether the woman is a manipulative social climber or if the mother is simply paranoid. The six-part miniseries, based on Michelle Frances's novel, explores themes of jealousy, control, and obsession through shifting perspectives, with each episode revealing the story from both Laura's and Cherry's viewpoints.

Both women play disturbing characters and neither are portrayed favorably. The story keeps the audience guessing as to who is the villainess? It’s a simple plot with few surprises. The story captures the complexities of the relationship between a mother and possible future daughter-in-law.

My Opinion

Jealousy, control, and obsession are not the themes I pegged for the series. Authenticity and trust are both central to the characters and storyline. Cherry plays a working-class young adult who lives well above her means to fit into the lifestyle of her boyfriend and his family. Laura, the mother, has trouble trusting not just Cherry, but her son when it comes to choosing his mate. And nobody, not even Laura’s husband can trust her.

IMHO both women are in need of recovery, not just from their substance abuse, but their toxic minds. The women are dealing with past unresolved trauma; Cherry with her father and Laura with her daughter. The series, based on a book by Michelle Frances, I haven’t read. My thoughts are solely based on the series.

This is an opportunity for the author, Michelle Frances, and the movie’s producers to delve deeper into the importance of recovery. A gift of choosing to recover from past wounds is healthy relationships.

Both women play the role of the antagonist. It makes me question who’s the protagonist?

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The Boyfriend

A part of the movie takes place at the wealthy family’s palatial vacation home in Spain. Our family is planning a modest vacation to Spain over the holidays and included is my daughter’s boyfriend. The two have been dating for over a year and he recently spent time with us over Labor Day weekend. I had the opportunity to form my opinions.

Although there is no talk of marriage, my husband and I can’t dismiss the idea that he might be our future son-in-law.

My Opinion

He’s not the ideal I created for my future son-in-law but a good guy. He is polite and respectful to my daughter. His career path is different than our daughters and not one that excites us, but he’s smart. He doesn’t appear lazy; coaches baseball, and plays five musical instruments. His parents are retired from jobs that most likely share polar opposite views than ours, but appear to maintain a healthy lifestyle together. They represent dedication to a marriage, even if his mother doesn’t share his father’s last name.

I think my daughter did well for herself. My husband and I are pleased.

Authenticity In the Child-In-Law

Authenticity per AI in a relationship means being genuinely true to yourself by expressing your real thoughts, feelings, and values, rather than pretending to be someone you’re not.

When we enter into a long term relationship it’s paramount to be authentic. Change can happen over the life of a marriage, but change is an inside job. It’s important to know who you are committing a life to.

Key components of authenticity in relationships are:

• Genuineness

• Vulnerability

• Honesty and Transparency

• Alignment

• Acceptance

When I write my intent is to be authentic and share the real me. I don’t hide the fact that I am a Christian-based writer. I don’t preach the gospel to my daughter’s, rather show them a way of life that works for me.

I value authenticity.

My Opinion

We are all shaped by our experiences, which is why I need to accept others for who they are. I’m not interested in having a son-in-law who puts on a show. During trivia the guy demonstrated his wisdom with facts, except when it comes to religion. He stated, “Religion isn’t my category.” I appreciate his honesty.

Authenticity fosters a more meaningful connection built on trust.

Trust In Our Child

Trust per AI in relationships is the foundation for emotional security and vulnerability, allowing individuals to feel confident in a partner’s words, actions, and intentions.

We can take trust a step further when it comes to our children. When we trust our children we place faith in their judgement. It’s important that we as mother’s trust our children for their choices. We raise our children to make the best possible choices for themselves and that includes their companion. We can choose to be available and supportive if the relationship goes south, but not interfere with the relationship.

Key aspects of trusting our children are:

• Belief in their potential

• Fostering security

• Promoting open communication

• Encouraging independence

• Being reliable

Trust is something that takes work. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s important to establish trust for our own sanity.

Not only should I place my trust in my daughter’s but more importantly God.

My Opinion

I need to trust God’s plan for my daughters’ lives. He places the people in our lives for a reason. My daughter has maintained consistent character with her friends and the people she does life with. I trust that God will provide the man that best suits her.

Relationships thrive when we learn to trust.

Relationships

Personal relationships is a foundational theme for my writing, the most important being the one with God. In recovery my relationships are flourishing, but five years ago many of them were fractured.

• I am learning how to be patient instead of difficult.

• I am learning to let go instead of trying to control.

• I am learning to offer compassion instead of judgement.

I am working on the fruits of the spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control; each which will help me be the best mother-in-law any boy could ask for!