As adults we can spend a lot of time considering the “What ifs” from a negative standpoint. This is not something to be ashamed of but rather something to be aware of. While we like to rely on what we know there is equally great power in what we don’t. In my research on imagination (the irony is thick) I found that it is not isolated in our brains to things such as daydreaming, but that it brings with it the collection of our past experiences and mixes them together to help us picture what might be.

What happens, however, if we had a childhood that forced us to be more logical, obedient, and overly responsible, or even a participant in/ witness to something more traumatic? If we don’t have many positive experiences to pull from in our past, how can we imagine the future to be positive?

Just like all the other topics in this Flip the Script series, I think there is a tangible way to turn this around. If we spend so much energy thinking about “What if it doesn’t work out?” then we can use that same energy to do the opposite, thinking: “What if it does work out?”

Our imagination is such a powerful tool because it actually causes the brain to respond in an almost identical fashion as if it happened in real life. This is the power of flipping the script! This is not magic, it is science. If we negatively anticipate, overanalyze, or overthink a thing we are already using our imagination - just not in a way that is beneficial to ourselves or others. Instead, we can use that same imagination to consider the potential positives that could come from the scenarios we are facing.

Since I was a teenager, I have struggled to speak up for myself and especially to have difficult conversations with people I care about. However, in the past year I have initiated more than one difficult conversation. Historically, I would have been too focused on the possibility of an unwanted outcome, whether that be them having a negative response, changing the relationship indefinitely, or being misunderstood. While I still have to remind myself that I am only responsible for my part, I now have experience to go back to that gives me confidence and allows my imagination to think about “What if it does work out?”

If you are stuck in a negative thought cycle and want to learn more about how to Flip the Script in your life I would love to help! You can schedule a Free Consult today!

Article reference: https://medium.com/firing-and-wiring/the-science-of-imagination-3a711f6cfa33

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Growing up in a space of white, Christian, Midwestern nice, there are a lot of “shoulds” that get thrown around. You should go to church. You should go see your family. You should buy them a gift. The list goes on. My question is, Who determined the “shoulds” in the first place?

Sometimes “shoulds” come from our culture or tradition. Some come from personally held beliefs or preferences. While none of these things are inherently wrong, anytime we put a “should” on ourselves or someone else we are focused on what is “right”. Why do I put quotes around “right”? Well because what may be right in one person’s eyes is not in another’s. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an all or nothing thinker. I’m sure there are things that we can all agree on that are not ok. However, there are a whole myriad of things that fall in the aforementioned categories that are only subjectively “right”.

There are a lot of different directions I can go with this. But what I think I want to hearken back to is something I’ve written before, which is the importance of thinking about what is right versus what is loving. Once again, I believe “right” has a place. As humans we have a desire to have absolutes and also to feel good about ourselves. It is our job as adults, however, to be honest about what things in our lives we have been labeling right as a way to feel superior or have a clear answer.

Let me put it another way - would you say that you know what is best for everyone else regardless of circumstance, beliefs, environment, etc.? If not, I would like to offer that by using the word ‘beneficial’ instead of ‘should’ we can shift our perspective (and outcomes) of our own lives and others.

By thinking about whether something is beneficial we open up possibilities for everyone to experience their best in life, including ourselves. Because life comes with principles, not rules, we can practice wisdom in determining whether our choices are beneficial or simply a rote practice handed down to us or assumed by being reflective instead of automatic.

If we truly want what is best for everyone, that means that everyone ultimately has the agency to follow the path that they feel is best for their situation and circumstances. Where “shoulds” weigh us down, things that are beneficial create freedom. We can release judgment of others and unnecessary burdens on ourselves.

So how do you know what is most beneficial for us? Here are some questions to consider:

Is it loving or am I trying to be right?

Is this something I believe personally or something that is a principle to be passed on for the benefit of me, my family, or humanity?

Will this have a positive ripple effect or is it only serving my best interest?

Is this perspective weighing me (or others) down or creating freedom?

If you want help continuing the journey of “Flipping the Script” with me personally, you can schedule your Free Consult today!

The foundation for my coaching business, Free to Be, rests on this very notion of Doing v. Being. Today’s culture is very focused on what we see other people doing, particularly as a measure of success. When we meet someone new the default question we ask them is, “What do you do?” While this is a facet of a person’s life, what people do however is not the truest reflection of who they are. It is a visual of what is happening on the surface.

For example, two people might be serving at a food bank. However, the act of serving at a food bank simply shows us an action, not the generosity of their heart. One person might be there because of a desire to serve while the other may be there out of compulsory reasons to participate in community service. This human tendency to take things as they seem or address what is on the surface is natural and also potentially dangerous. Without knowing the heart of a thing we can make assumptions and decisions that do not serve us or others.

Focusing on doing alone gets very tiring. It’s true that we all have things to do in a day, but when all of our doing only comes from a sense of duty or obligation we easily get burned out - even if it’s doing things that are “good”. Alternatively, when we can better understand who we are uniquely as human beings, we begin to move differently in the world.

As a life coach, my approach is to help people understand that in order to get to where they want to go it is more about knowing themselves than doing the “right” things. Life has general principles that are wise to follow, but our journeys are all different. What feels like success to you might not be to someone else.

By concentrating on being, our doing flows naturally. True joy, peace, and contentment happen when we spend our days focused on our character and unique strengths. We then invest our time into people, spaces, and places that align with who we are and who we want to be.

If you are tired of walking (or running) around the cul-de-sac of life not getting anywhere, here are some questions for reflection and action steps to help you exit:

1. Do you keep doing things that you think will make you happy only to end up dissatisfied or wanting more?

2. What are your unique likes/ dislikes, passions, and interests?

3. Are the things you are doing something you have a passion for or something you have simply been doing out of habit or at the suggestion/ request of another person?

4. Take this easy Enneagram quiz to help you understand your core drive and personality: https://enneagramtest.com/test

5. Schedule a Free 30 minute Consult with me!

Whether directly or indirectly, the culture that we live in today asks a lot of us. It can feel like there is pressure coming from all facets of life at times. This can result in us being harder on ourselves than we would even be on others. In turn, we can fall into negative thinking that only causes further stress which keeps us stuck longer. In my last series on Getting Stuck, I explored that we can use a technique I like to call Flip the Script for these negative thought cycles (click here to go back and see the full article).

As humans we are really good at focusing on the negative, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Any time we are doing something repetitively over time it becomes habitual. Our brain creates neural pathways that produce automated responses. Unfortunately, if those responses are no longer wanted it takes time and intentionality to create new ones.

One of the best ways to stop one unwanted habit that I teach my clients is the replacement method. That is what the Flip the Script technique is all about. Instead of trying to simply stop one habit, we can replace it with another. My go-to example for this is smoking. When people try to stop smoking, according to the all-knowing Google, only 3-5% of people are successful in quitting cold turkey. Whereas those that use alternative substitution or additional help methods increase their success over a six month period anywhere from 50-70%. When we simply tell ourselves to stop something we are ironically focusing on it more and therefore thinking about not doing it more than we thought about doing it before, as it was automatic. However, when we replace it with something literally or metaphorically, it fills the void that was created.

So let’s get to the main point - what is Flip the Script? Flip the Script is taking whatever negative or unhelpful mantra or mode we are engaging in and turning it on its head or choosing a positive alternative to put in its place.

Over the course of the upcoming weeks I will be sharing about a number of different scenarios in which we can implement this helpful tool that allows us to stop signing up for unnecessary frustration and overwhelm and instead gain a different perspective that allows you to thrive in your day to day life.

“I will never forget what happened.”

“They weren’t that bad.”

“I have so many regrets about what I did/ didn’t do.”

Do any of these phrases sound familiar? Our present reflections on the past carry imperfect memories and are often filled with a spectrum of emotions. Over time our minds have filled in the gaps of what actually transpired in the past. Our minds have decided, based on the feelings associated, whether an experience was a positive or negative one (our mind likes to categorize). This can lead to ruminating (thinking constantly about an unwelcome experience) or romanticizing (putting on rose colored glasses about an experience). Additionally, when we are feeling nostalgic, there is a sadness or longing that can occur.

One of the reasons that I saved getting stuck in the past for last (and no it was not for the purpose of rhyming), is that it tends to encompass many of the other ways of getting stuck that have already been discussed in the preceding weeks. The obvious one that the past harkens to is that of getting stuck in our emotions. As a reminder, there are no “bad” emotions. They all have a place. The question always is, what do we do with them? Without rehashing the whole article (you can read it here if you missed it), what matters is not letting them overtake or drive our decisions exclusively.

The hardest thing about the past is that we can’t change it and things will never be exactly like they were again. This is a primary cause of people getting stuck in the past. If we are constantly focused on what was, we cannot engage what is from a healthy perspective. By focusing on something we can’t change, we anchor ourselves in position.

On the flip side, if we have not adequately processed what has happened in the past, we bring those experiences and feelings into the future. When we are aware of something happening in the present that brings a negative connotation from the past we call it a trigger. Triggers are reminders that there are things to be worked through. If we don’t take the invitation though, we stay stuck being triggered the rest of our life.

The most difficult are those negative experiences and feelings for which we are unaware we are bringing from our past. We are being triggered to respond in a way that has been hardwired without realizing it. This creates patterns of interaction within ourselves and with others that bring unwanted outcomes.

So what are we to do to honor our past without getting stuck there?

Here are some questions to consider:

1. Make a list of the formative experiences you’ve had in your life. How are they shaping your present?

2. What lessons can you take from the positive and negative experiences you’ve had that can help you not just survive, but thrive?

3. Where are you avoiding something or trying to force something because of a past experience?

4. Does your present context/ circumstances line up with how you are responding to them?

If you want to start living fully in the present, I would love to help! Schedule a Free Consult today!

Not too long ago when my daughter was having a difficult time with her attitude about a situation I said to her, “You are the determiner of your experience”. What does this mean? It means that regardless of what you are going through (big or small) you get to decide how you view the circumstance and also how you respond to it. As I explored last week, everyone goes through difficult circumstances. Determining a perspective that does not get you stuck doesn’t mean denying the impact of the situation or circumstance, but instead maintaining focus on what is yours to control within it.

Do you remember doing those perspective drawings back in your youth art class where you had to draw a scene that seemed to narrow the further out it was? Of course in reality the thing you were drawing didn’t get more narrow, it just appeared that way. What we see is not always as it seems.

The other example you might be familiar with is where multiple people look at the same object and notice different things about it - either because they simply notice different details or because of where they are physically in relationship to the item. In this object lesson the reminder is that what everyone is witnessing is valid but also not the whole story.

There are often parts of our circumstances in which we cannot see the whole picture or have been looking at one small component up close for so long we haven’t been able to see it another way. By taking a metaphorical step back, or zooming out, we can better assess what might be happening and therefore adjust our perspective.

At that moment we can ask ourselves a number of questions: What part of this situation or circumstance do I have responsibility for? How can I manage my response in a way that allows me to release what I am not responsible for? What positive thing(s) can I focus on that are still existing in this moment when things seem overwhelming/ difficult? Is there someone that can help me see this differently?

All of these questions can give you a more well-rounded perspective and allow you to respond to the circumstance, whether short or long term, in a way that protects your peace and does not allow you to stay stuck in a place you were never meant to be.

In the near future I will be doing an entire series on shifting our perspective in common thoughts and attitudes, called, “Flipping the Script” that I can’t wait to share with you. In the meantime, if you are looking to gain perspective and respond differently to protect your health and peace I would love to meet with you! Schedule your Free 30 Minute Consult today!

It started when the proactive, comprehensive health initiative my husband was part of in the military was cut from the budget last July, resulting in his losing his full-time military job. Knowing that, as a chaplain, it would be difficult to find a full-time job in the army, he decided to retire from the military after much discussion. This date was set for the end of January.

He was unable to begin full-time employment, having been part-time until January as well, leaving us with his disability pay and a part-time paycheck for five months. Because the government shut down in October, there were no drill checks coming in either.

Once we got to the end of December, the Army came back and said they would not be able to make the end of January date (for which we had already scheduled a retirement ceremony that the family coming from out of town would attend), and that it would instead be the end of March. This meant multiple months without drill pay (the military wanted to promote him as he neared retirement, which would put him in a new unit where he wouldn’t be long, and so did not make sense to make connections just to be leaving). The retirement date they agreed to was March 31, meaning we would not see retirement pay until May.

In January, the disability pay was unexpectedly shut off. Within the month of January, we figured out that the government’s efforts to correct its errors shut it down. Meanwhile, we missed out on disability pay for both January and February.

Fast forward to today, and our emergency savings are depleted after we just saved them up. We still have not been paid Michael’s first retirement check, which was scheduled to start at the beginning of the month due to a government error once again.

Why am I sharing these circumstances with you? First of all, it is not to complain (I’ve done that enough with those close to me). It’s not because I think our situation is worse than others (I know plenty of people going through even more challenging and immovable circumstances than us). It is because this is a human experience that we all share - regardless of how smart, wealthy, intentional, or kind we are.

Circumstances outside of our control do not discriminate. What matters and differs from person to person is whether we let circumstances dictate our lives. Circumstances can undo the best of intentions, plans, and hopes, leaving us stuck on the side of the road of life, letting negative habits, emotions, thoughts, etc. take over. The good news is that I recently learned that circumstances account for only 10% of what determines our happiness. Just 10%! Can you imagine letting 10% of anything make the choices for your life?

If you are tired of being stuck in your life circumstances, I would love to help you find your other 90%! Schedule a Free Consult with me today!

Part of the human condition is the desire to belong. This feeling can often usurp contradictions that we notice about the group to which we belong (as I’ve mentioned in my previous article, if feelings are strong enough, they shut down the thinking/ decision-making centers of the brain). While many adults may consider this phenomenon to be primarily prevalent during adolescence, this desire does not go away with age. Wanting to belong is not something to be ashamed of, but rather to simply be aware of.

There is an adage that goes, “You change the people around you or you change the people around you.” The notion is that if you are in an environment long enough, that environment will change you, or conversely, you can be the one to change the environment. Whether it is in the workplace, church, community groups, etc., there is a cultural environment that is present.

Let me share a couple of personal experiences. When I worked as a therapist for a for-profit mental health company, my environment was compromising not only my mental health but my physical health. I was able to set some boundaries that offered me some protection, but when you are working a full-time job in an unhealthy or toxic environment it is impossible not to be affected. I ultimately decided I had to leave, as they were unwilling to change.

Because my family has moved so many times in the last decade specifically, we were a part of many church communities. Initially these communities welcomed us and were so happy to embrace us serving in the various capacities that benefitted them. However, each and every time we presented ideas for growth that were outside the box there was always push back. The very reason they were initially excited to have us was the same reason we could not stay.

There are also environments determined by our families (both within our home and extended), friend groups, and the physical environment that you inhabit. We have more determination in our extended family than we think. However, many of us have been raised to believe that extended family is something to have blind loyalty to. In the wise words of Jo Saxton, “Loyalty is not a fruit of the Spirit.” This is the case because not everyone in your family can manage a relationship with you in a healthy way.

Within our own homes and families we absolutely have the ability to influence the environment. We simply need to be intentional about not just saying we want to change it but taking steps to do so. Instead of waiting on someone else to do so, we can ask ourselves: am I bringing positive energy or negative energy? The physical environment we inhabit also contributes to how we move in the world. If our space(s) is cluttered and constantly disorganized it can be difficult to maintain a sense of calm and focus.

If any of these environmental factors resonate with you, and you are ready to make a shift in your life, I would love to help you! You can schedule a Free Consult with me today!

Habits are essentially rhythms that we create, intended to make our lives easier or better. They allow us to get things done without having to put so much effort into thinking, conserving our mental energy. Habits are tools meant to serve us, not the other way around.

Many of us have been exercising habits that we are not aware of that are not serving us. How do I know if a habit is serving me or not? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Does it produce favorable outcomes for you and/ or others over the short AND long term?

2. Am I doing it because it’s easy or because it’s the best option for me?

3. Is it a habit because I have decided that it is or because of outside influences only?

4. Do these habits fit with the life that I want?

One of the most challenging components for people attempting to create new habits is having consistency with flexibility. Consistency is simply the frequency in which you do a thing. This will be determined by what the habit is, how long it takes, and how it fits into your schedule. However, most people either under or over shoot in their consistency, causing them to quit prematurely instead of practicing flexibility. When life shifts, which it inevitably will, we can pause to make adjustments. This allows us to move forward without feeling like we have to restart every time things don’t go according to plan.

The best way to stop an unhealthy habit is to replace it with a healthy one. Simply trying to stop doing something is often harder (think about someone trying to quit smoking cold turkey vs. using some kind of alternative, such as gum). So how does someone start a new habit? Here are a few ideas that are a combination of what I have learned as well as those from a book I highly recommend by James Clear, “Atomic Habits”:

1. Start with an identity statement. We often connect our unwanted habits to our character, so why not connect it to positive ones instead? This creates a strong foundation for long term practice.

2. Pair the new habit with a habit you already do by doing it right before or after.

3. Give yourself a small reward after practicing the habit.

4. Subscribe to my emails and get a free Healthy Habits Guide from my website that gives you an example and will walk you through all the steps needed to solidify your new habit!

If you need further help managing your habits I would love to help! Schedule your Free Consult with me today.

As an internal processor, I definitely have more thoughts than I would like to admit or share out loud. It has been argued, and I would agree, that we talk to ourselves more than anyone else does. Whether you process things internally or externally, we all have a dialogue of thoughts that are bouncing around, some of them uninvited.

Last week I highlighted the fact that feelings turn into thoughts in a matter of 90 seconds. This is important because some of us have created thoughts that are only a response to passing feelings and may or may not align with reality.

Our thoughts also search for confirmation. This is why many people have a resistance to changing their mind. Our brain can accept new information at face value if it aligns with what we already think, or reject it outright if it doesn’t. These are the two easiest routes. The harder route is when we are presented with information that doesn’t fit our current thoughts.

Because of these factors it stands to reason that we need to be intentional about taking inventory of our thoughts from time to time. If left unchecked, thoughts turn into behaviors or habits (the topic for next week 😉).

Before we get to our action steps to address our thoughts, I want to discuss one of the most common challenges people face with their thoughts - overthinking.

Overthinking is like walking around a cul-de-sac. You feel like you are making efforts but really you are getting nowhere. The first possible result is anxiety. Anxiety is simply a focus on an outcome that we do not have control over. By continuously thinking about the possibilities, the only outcome we have is being more concerned and/ or fearful. Overthinking can also cause us to freeze. Instead of helping us come up with a solution, overthinking makes us question any decision and therefore keeps us from making one. Finally, we can add to existing negative thoughts about ourselves or others. We get in a loop of confirmation bias where we have thought about this negative thing repeatedly that we end up believing it.

So whether it is overthinking or something else, what can we do to help manage and mitigate our thoughts?

1. Move your body - Moving is a great regulator in general but especially for difficulty with our thoughts. Any bilateral movement (moving both sides of your body alternatively, i.e. walking) helps your brain process thoughts and make connections.

2. Write it down - For some, the word journaling may feel like an overused self help tool, but there is a reason that this is the case. By writing things down it relieves our brain from the stress of holding it inside and can help you potentially see things differently. You can also utilize writing by way of making lists to gather information for things like decision making.

3. Talk to someone - Sharing what you have been thinking about is a great way to process information and get some perspective. Our world can seem very overwhelming if we have only ourselves to consult.

4. Practice mindfulness - This may be another overly used phrase in the 2020s but again, it’s because it works. Most people do not have a practice of slowing down and simply taking inventory of what is right in front of them. Naming things we feel with our 5 senses is one way to do this.

5. Flip the script - If there are negative things that you have been thinking about consistently, instead of trying to not say negative things, it is often more beneficial to replace the negative things with positive ones, like a mantra. Some mantras might include, “I am only responsible for myself”, “What is for me will not pass me by”, “I will make choices that are best for me, regardless of the response of others”.

If you can recognize that you are someone who is stuck in your thoughts you are not alone! I would love the opportunity to be able to walk alongside you to retrain your brain, reminding you of who you are and what you can do to get unstuck. Sign up today for a free 30 minute consultation: https://calendly.com/katiepat48-1/30min.

Feelings are not facts

All feelings are subjective. While one person may get really excited to go on a roller coaster, another may feel terrified. You may feel comfortable sharing things within a group setting while others may not.

Feelings are fleeting

What we feel in a moment doesn’t last forever. People experience emotions momentarily. Any emotions felt over a longer period of time would be considered a mood, and would require a different level of intervention.

Feelings change over time

The way you feel about a thing today may not be the way you feel about it indefinitely. Life changes, we change, and ultimately that can change our feelings about a thing.

Feelings communicate valuable information

Feelings are meant to be a vital part of our survival. As is the case with most things in life, feelings have value when they are managed and not ignored or allowed to dominate.

Feelings come from a combination of factors

Feelings are not always as simple as they may seem. They originate from a combination of factors happening simultaneously, including the processing of the perceived environment, beliefs and/ or past experiences.

So what is it about them that gets us stuck?

1. We rely on our feelings to the exclusion of other factors. It can help to think about our feelings as passengers rather than drivers in our lives. We take the feelings into consideration, but we don’t let them dominate our choices. Feelings are an invitation to ask more questions, not necessarily solidify an answer.

2. We chase or run away from feelings. Some of us are trying to capture positive feelings or avoid negative feelings. This is a reflection of feelings managing us instead of us managing them. There is always good with bad. This is how life works. If we are unwilling to accept that reality we will always be unsatisfied and stuck.

3. We maintain negative feelings that validate our experience. Some of us have been deeply wounded by others or have made mistakes that produce shame. I would argue that shame and blame are some of the most harmful feelings. The reason is two-fold: These feelings are attached to a person’s character and they multiply negative feelings.

If you are having trouble getting unstuck from your feelings I would love to help you figure out your next steps! Schedule your free 30 minute consult with me today: https://calendly.com/katiepat48-1/30min.

1. Your awareness, or lack thereof, of yourself.

2. The other person’s awareness, or lack thereof, of themselves.

3. The fact that humans are dynamic and are therefore constantly changing in different ways.

4. The dynamic interaction between all of these named factors.

You see, I believe that most people are well intentioned and doing their best. However, when we add another person to the mix, it creates a whole new dynamic and therefore potential set of challenges. What works with one person or relationship, might not work with the next. What worked 10 days ago with someone might have run its course.

Think of those 4 facets above as the mechanics of a relationship. If any one of them stops functioning optimally, there is risk of the machine, or relationship stalling. In last week’s post I laid out a couple of relational examples of getting stuck. Here are a few more:

1. You have been best friends with the same person for 20 years. They have been with you through a lot of life challenges and vice versa. In the past year, however, they have not been initiating in the relationship, putting the onus on you to keep in touch and make plans. You are single while they are married with kids. You want to be understanding but also feel as if they no longer have time to invest in the relationship. You don’t want to give up on the friendship but it feels one sided.

2. You are a young adult that moved out of your parents’ house two years ago. Your mom calls at least twice a week to check in and give you unsolicited advice about your job and relationships. Because you live close by she also gives you a hard time about not coming to all the family events. You love your mom but end up feeling resentful and annoyed because of her constant involvement with your adult life.

3. You have dated 3 people in the last 4 years and you can’t seem to get past the 4 month mark. Every time the person you’re dating starts talking about the future you get uncomfortable because you have a hard time trusting people. When your partner tries to ask you about your issues with trust you refuse to discuss it.

Getting stuck in relationships is natural. Staying stuck is a choice. If you want the relationship to continue in a healthy way, you will need to start by engaging in an evaluation of the four factors of the relationship. If you feel stuck in your relationship(s) and need further guidance on how to get unstuck I would love to help! Schedule your free consult with me today: https://calendly.com/katiepat48-1/30min.

Something I’m sure you’ve heard before is that change is inevitable. In nature things naturally grow, develop, and die, which is to say, they change. We like to see it happen in nature - baby animals are born and grow up, the seed turns into a plant that produces vegetables, kids become teenagers who become adults. But growth and development only comes with change. What’s interesting is to see how many people try to resist it. Most things work until they don’t, which is why it can be difficult to let go of what worked before for what will work now.

Change is an invitation to move on to the next thing, the next phase, the next idea. When we fight against it we don’t stop the change but instead stop ourselves. We get stuck. Instead of allowing the change to move us by our own choosing we are eventually forced into a less favorable choice that may not even come from us but from the outside. Being stuck isn’t necessarily negative, but instead a life notification that something needs to shift.

Let me give you some examples:

1. Your child is now a teenager (or young adult) but you are struggling with them getting older and continue to interact with them as if they were a child. You end up arguing more than you would because they are trying to engage in the world according to the stage of life they are in while you are trying to keep them from naturally progressing.

2. You have been at the same job for 5 years and have loved your time there. Recently, however, you got a new boss and they are making your job more difficult than it needs to be. You have tried talking to them about it but they are not taking any steps to remedy the situation. You don’t want to leave your job but become overwhelmed going into work every day because of the environment.

3. You have been married for a decade (or more). You feel that you have grown apart from your partner. When you try to talk to them about it, they refuse and are unwilling to go to counseling. You were taught that divorce is not an option so you walk on eggshells to keep the peace.

These are just a few of the scenarios that we as humans may encounter - either in our own lives or in the lives of others. Over the next handful of weeks I am going to be outlining the areas of life that we tend to get stuck in so that you can identify whether you are in that place and what the next steps are for you to move forward.

If you already know you are stuck and are unsure of how to move forward to make a positive difference in your daily life, I would love to help you figure it out! Schedule your free consult with me today: https://calendly.com/katiepat48-1/30min.

So what are these contrasts highlighting? While we are trying desperately to get the most out of life, we are often passing IT by. As we manufacture and force our way through we are inevitably missing out on what matters and what would bring us the health, joy, and purpose we are seeking.

If you haven’t recognized it by now from my other posts, I love to write about the lessons that nature teaches me because it is something that happens largely without our input and has very clear life applications. I think this is why so many religions have a similar thread of belief around the sacredness and awe of nature.

There is a common theme in nature that we as humans have a hard time adopting. Nature is focused on being what it was created to be and nothing else. There is no comparison. There is no striving. It adapts to the circumstances it is given. The sun doesn’t stop rising because there are clouds covering it. The trees don’t die because they have no leaves. Chipmunks don’t try to fly because they weren’t equipped with that skill (but they do run incredibly fast).

So many of us are wasting our time, energy, and efforts on things that are not for us. It’s

not even that those things are inherently bad (I believe many things in life are actually neutral when outside of a context), they just don’t fit with who we are. Therefore, we are left feeling defeated, lacking direction, and missing purpose.

You see, no matter how seemingly small or unnoticed something is in nature, it is always moving from a place of being (sidenote - my mind is still blown about the significance of bees). The way nature knows what to do is by sticking with its original identity. This is true for us too. We can go back to our authentic identity and allow that to inform our doing. Just as a river flows in the space it is given without the approval of or apology to others, we too can experience the joy and freedom that comes from participating in life at the speed of life with the life that we were given.

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Cycles remind me of routines. Once again, here is a word that actually has neutral meaning. Routines can be implemented and helpful and they can also be detrimental. The point at which something goes from being helpful to detrimental is the pivot point that we often miss. What works for us in one season doesn’t necessarily work for us in all seasons. Why? Because life changes, we change, and others around us change. The question is, can we be aware enough of things changing in order to change with them?

Cycles are easy because they require little effort. It is up to us to discern whether the ease of the cycle is benefitting our lives or detracting from it. If the cycle is not helpful it feels like a lot of work to change it, only because it requires intention to do something different. When things have been flowing in one direction, changing course can feel overwhelming. I like to think of cycles as walking in a cul-de-sac. When you are walking in a cul-de-sac you are moving. However, in that cul-de-sac you will be seeing and experiencing the same things over and over again. Just a reminder, sometimes that is healthy and sometimes it is not.

Let me give you some tangible scenarios. If you are in a cycle that involves working out, eating healthy, getting out in nature, and feeling good, for example, that cycle is bringing you and your surroundings positivity and wellness. By contrast, if your cycle involves feeling tired, doing minimal physical activity, eating little nutritious food, and being unmotivated, that cycle will not be serving you. In both examples there is a natural flow that is taking place that is easy to repeat because it is moving in a predictable and circular fashion.

So how do we get to adapt healthy cycles or change negative ones to positive? The good news is they both require the same thing. In a cycle you actually don’t have to overhaul all of the steps. By changing just one thing within the cycle you are shifting the entire cycle. Let’s go back to the cul-de-sac imagery. If I decide to change one thing in the cycle, it’s as if I am exiting the cul-de-sac. I am still moving, just in a different direction. I’m starting a new cycle just by shifting one component.

This is why starting with and focusing on ourselves is so important. By changing one thing within ourselves we can change us, our relationships, and our environment. It doesn’t require the level of overhaul we think. One thing will feed into the next if given enough time, attention, and consistency.

Questions for Reflection:

1. What is one of the steps in an unhealthy cycle you can change today?

2. How will making that one shift create the potential for a whole new cycle? Take time to imagine or write down what that will look and feel like.

If you want to learn more about how to start making small shifts that create a big impact I would love to chat with you in a free 30 minute consult!

If we think about a daily natural cycle we experience that doesn’t need to be forced, it might be our eating cycle. Start where you want (that is the nature of cycles), but the steps go something like this: We feel hungry, we put food in our body, our body processes and/ or eliminates the food and we’re back to feeling hungry. What is happening in a natural cycle? One occurrence is triggering the next. There is no guess work. It is an automatic flow that is unending, that cannot be stopped and provides optimal functioning.

While I am grateful for natural cycles, there are other cycles that are more complex. These cycles are the ones that occur in relationships: with ourselves, our environment, and with others. These cycles are complex because they involve a dynamic that we manage. For our purposes here I want to focus on what cycles look like in our relationship with ourselves and others.

Just a reminder: cycle on its own is a neutral term, particularly when you discuss those that are naturally occurring. In our relationship with ourselves (intrapersonal) and with others (interpersonal), we can develop cycles that are mostly healthy or unhealthy, with few that are neutral.

There are dozens of cycles we engage in daily, some of which we probably don’t think about because they have been happening for so long. For example, we may be in a cycle of making mistakes, shaming ourselves for our mistakes, feeling bad about ourselves, and inevitably returning to mistakes (thus affirming our commitment to shame and keeping us stuck). Conversely, we may be making a mistake, giving ourselves grace when we do so, reminding ourselves of our humanity, and encountering future mistakes with similar grace (allowing us to move forward). An example of a cycle that we engage with others may be greeting our family members when they get home, creating a sense of connection, opening the door to further connection, creating desire to greet them when they get home (giving us feelings of hope and love). Alternatively, we may avoid particular family members, creating distance that discourages interaction, returning to avoidance (giving us feelings of frustration, hurt, and maybe victimization).

Cycles are inevitable but whether they are benefitting you or not is up to you. Stay tuned next week as we move on from what cycles look like to how we change them.

Questions for reflection:

1. Can you identify cycles within yourself that are serving you and those that aren’t?

2. Can you identify cycles within your relationships that are serving the relationship and those that aren’t?

When asked I imagine that most people can recall what they believe, what they say, and what they do. However, few people take the time to ensure that those three categories are aligned. One of the ways in which I like to teach people life lessons is explaining what it is NOT. There are a few examples I would like to offer in this category.

During our short stint living in Oklahoma I experienced the frustration and confusion of a lack of alignment. When the kids were going back to school in the fall of 2021, the school did not require the students or teachers to wear masks. However, they also did not allow both student’s parents in the building at any given time, stating they didn’t want too many people in the building at the same time. So on one hand, there were no limitations while the kids and staff were there but strict standards for the parents entering the school - practices that don’t align.

I have witnessed this in other areas of life as well. One of the reasons that I have stepped away from the traditional practice of attending church as a Christian is that, upon reflection, I recognized that a lot of what was being stated as belief did not match up with the outward expression in word or deed. I have witnessed in the church space and Christians on the internet time and time again quote Scripture or a phrase they have heard said for many years as it suits them and then essentially disregard it when it doesn’t.

When our beliefs, words, and actions are out of alignment we call that hypocrisy. How does this happen? It doesn’t usually happen all of a sudden but gradually over time. We accumulate knowledge and experiences and don’t take the time to assess what belongs and what doesn’t, what aligns and what doesn’t.

Since I have given examples only of what it looks like to not be aligned, let me give you an example of what being aligned might look like. I believe that family is a priority therefore I share that sentiment with others and also create moments and arrange life accordingly, whether it be deciding where to live, planning family activities or taking them/ their opinion into consideration when responding to other life events.

Being aligned allows us to live a life of authenticity and clarity for ourselves and others. Being aligned brings us the freedom and confidence we need to move through life. If we begin practicing being reflective, intentional, compassionate, and curious we will find that being aligned is a natural outcome.

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One of the things I think most people love about children is the funny questions they ask like, “Why does a bird have two legs?” or “What does mud taste like?”. As we get older, however, curiosity is replaced by knowing, because knowing is the more prized attribute. Many of us drop curiosity not intentionally but because knowing is what is required and rewarded. Job interviews and social interactions are not dominated by what we are unsure of or curious about, but what we are certain about.

Curiosity has a built in factor of vulnerability that adults tend to shy away from. Curiosity admits that we might not have all the answers. Curiosity invites us to open our minds to a new way of thinking or being. Curiosity requires space for something unfamiliar. It has a built-in mechanism that shifts our perspective from being right to being open.

While this can be scary for some of us, being open brings so many more possibilities. When we choose to live inside of only what we know, we are creating a self contained box that limits our interactions with anything that is outside of it - ideas, places, and people. Our world becomes small in a way that doesn’t serve us or the unique spaces we live in.

It might seem like in today’s world where we have the ability to observe and personally witness so many circumstances outside of our own because of technology that people would automatically become more curious. Unfortunately, that same technology is splintering us off into groups that think the same way, leaving little room for curiosity to sprout. It feels good to know something and be right and so we choose comfort and familiarity.

Being curious is not just a cute attribute of children, it is one of the forces that keeps us moving in love towards ourselves and others as we grow into and through adulthood. While being curious can feel unsteadying, it also brings more joy, hope, and love into our lives that wouldn’t exist otherwise.

If you are interested in cultivating curiosity about yourself, others, and the world around you, I would love to help you get started. You can schedule a free consult with me here!

What is being compassionate about? It reminds me of the difference between sympathy and empathy. Having sympathy gives us the feeling of sorrow for someone, where empathy is about sharing sorrow with someone. Compassion is not about staying on the outside looking in, it is about joining the person on the inside looking out. Whether it is with us or others, compassion allows us to hold space for and be intentional about seeking to understand what is happening within a person and therefore also why they are having that experience.

Compassion for others says, “I may not have had the same experience as them, but I can join them in their experience because they are human and have value.” Compassion for us says, “I may or may not have had a choice in what happened/ is happening but I can choose to find grace for myself as I move through this”.

As is the case with any of the “being” words we have been or will be talking about, it is often difficult if not impossible to “be” something towards others when we don’t know what it looks like towards ourselves. As stated earlier, we can see that because very few adults have been taught the necessity of compassion towards themselves, we see little compassion demonstrated to others.

A lack of compassion denies our humanity and creates a lack of shared value. When we do not value ourselves or others, it is impossible to see long-lasting positive outcomes. By being compassionate with ourselves we are watering the seed that will allow us to bear the fruit of compassion with others. Compassion allows us to embrace humanity in a way that gives us hope and allows us all to move forward with dignity and love.

If you want to experience more hope and love by being more compassionate towards yourself and others, you can schedule a free consult with me today!