Like any eldest child, especially as the eldest daughter, I grew up with a lot of rules around me. So many restrictions that I spent most of my life tiptoeing around lines someone else had drawn for me.

And honestly? Wala naman na’kong sinisisi.

I’m writing this as a testament to myself that I am free from anything that binds me to that past.

I would say though that growing up in a strict household definitely had its drawbacks. I wasn’t the most confident or outgoing kid in the room. And like every other panganay would tell you, it felt like may daan nang binuhusan ng aspalto para sa’min, and all we had to do was walk it nang walang reklamo.

I understand their reasons. I know the value of education. I was lucky enough to secure a scholarship to one of the biggest universities in our city—I didn’t take that for granted.

So I studied Psychology.

I graduated with Latin Honors. Rank 12 in our whole batch, front row sa theater. I worked as a Human Resource Associate for two years. I passed the Certified Human Resource Associate assessment in 2024, became a topnotcher in the Associate Certified Practitioner in Human Resources assessment in 2025, and passed the Psychometricians Licensure Examination that same year.

And I already knew what came next. Enroll in my Master’s sa 2026. Graduate by 2028. Take the boards again to become a psychologist. Then maybe a doctorate, and so on.

Planado na lahat. Kumbaga sa ulam, susubo ka na lang.

Okay naman, di ba?

It looked stable. It felt right. It sounded like a life I should’ve wanted.

But every night I spent sleepless over an exam, every dreadful workday, I kept asking myself, “ganito na ba talaga gagawin ko habang-buhay?”

Don’t get me wrong.

I love Psychology. I loved working in HR. I was excited to get my Master’s degree.

The problem was never that I hated the life in front of me.

The problem was iniisip ko kung eto lang ba talaga yung pwedeng buhay na magkaroon ako?

Deep down, I had this feeling na parang hinihila lahat ng intestines ko. Hindi ako mapakali. I had this “perfect” life plan in front of me, but ni isang part doon, wala man lang space for the things I actually wanted to try.

Something I wanted to do not because it was the “right,” “practical,” or “sure” thing to do, but simply because it sparked joy. Because it made the tiring days worth living. Because it gave me that feeling that I was actually alive.

I carried that feeling for quite some time until one day, my best friend and I had a conversation that really struck me.

I don’t remember the exact words anymore, but it was something like “You are only as big as you allow yourself to be.”

If you let yourself be confined by other people’s expectations and demands, the harsh truth is, magiging ganiyan ka na lang din talaga habang-buhay.

Because sometimes no one is coming to give us permission. They will even forbid us.

Sometimes it is entirely up to us to decide how much space we are willing to take. How many of our dreams we're willing to pursue. How far we're willing to go. How bravely we're willing to fight for the life na sa atin talaga.

And somewhere along the way, I realized na I spent so much of my life believing na hanggang doon lang ako kung saan nila ako nililimitahan.

That I was just a puddle, sapa, ilog, lawa.

That my edges had already been defined. That I could only stretch as far as the land around me allowed me to.

But I am the vast blue ocean.

And so are you.

Wala kang hangganan.

No person gets to decide how far you're allowed to go. No expectation gets to dictate how much space you're allowed to occupy. No version of yourself that you chose at eighteen, twenty-two, thirty, forty, or sixty has to become the final version of you.

You are allowed to expand.

Make waves, make splashes, make storms, make floods. Reach shores you never thought you'd see.

Wala namang tunay na hangganan ang dagat. Wala namang daan sa dagat.

You choose where to sail.

Kaya maglayag ka. Maging malaya ka.

After sitting with that feeling for months, I finally left my job and started a new career. An entirely different path.

It would be a lie to say na hindi ako natakot. It would be a lie to say I never think about the version of me who continued down the life I had already mapped out.

But I also couldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering about the version of me who dared to try.

Hindi ko man alam kung saan ako patungo, pero hindi ba at ganon naman talaga ang paglalayag?

The only way to find out is to go. And who knows?

What if the best happens?

Maybe somewhere down the road, I will find myself living both as the woman who chose passion and practicality. Maybe Psychology will find its way back to me. Maybe I’ll paint or write.

Maybe I don’t have to know and that’s the beauty of it.

I am the ocean. We are the ocean.

We can reach one shore and decide to sail again. Pwedeng magbago ng direction. Pwedeng bumalik. We can even discover parts of ourselves we didn’t know existed.

Hindi mo kailangang patunayan ang sarili mo.

Hindi mo kailangang liitan ang sarili mo.

Hindi mo kailangang limitahan ang sarili mo.

The ocean does not need to prove itself. It simply is.

Take whatever you need from these words and leave the rest among the flowers.

Until the next bloom,

Keysi

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This is so easy to judge when you don’t know the context.

In this economy, singkwenta or ₱50 is such a small amount nowadays. Before, ₱100 could last you the whole day: transportation, a small meal, and a few pennies left. But now, ₱50 is easily gone as a ₱5.

Naturally, people will ask, “ay, ‘yun lang?” or “bakit hindi man lang mag-provide ang partner mo, teh?” Because it is widely believed—almost common sense, to be honest—that your partner must provide for you, especially if you’re a girl.

And of course, they are right. Who is to say that is unreasonable or incredibly unfair? We all have our rights to choose who we date and what kind of life to endure with that person. Everyone is entitled to their own standards.

What is unfair is branding someone as a “gold-digger” or “materialistic” or “living with TikTok standards.” After all, poverty shouldn’t be romanticized. We all deserve better lives.

It is not only an outcome of a person's series of decisions, but also a product of the system. Most of us didn’t have the chance to choose which part of this system we were born into. But all of us deserve to choose what we’ll eventually grow into. It is a choice and a responsibility—and that includes your choice of partner.

But did you know? That even if love doesn’t pay the bills,

That “₱50 lang” we so harshly scrutinize may as well be someone’s 100%—their all. Compare that to a partner who gave you a ₱1,000 out of their ₱10,000. It is not the amount of money that measures love, it is the percentage and extent of how much they’re willing to give you. Kaya…

… suddenly has a whole new context.

I’m not glamorizing poverty in love. I’m very much one of the girls raised by her parents to make her own money and not depend on someone kasi nga mahirap ang buhay at hindi ka mapapakain ng pagmamahal.

But sometimes, “hindi ka mapapakain ng pagmamahal” also means being unable to eat for the next two weeks because you already gave your last ₱50 to your partner so they’d be much more comfortable—in any way that that last singkwenta can afford.

Mani et al. (2013), in Poverty Impedes Cognitive Function, explored how financial scarcity can tax cognitive resources:

Poverty or financial scarcity consumes a person’s mental resources.

Financial scarcity does not only empty pockets. It occupies the mind.

Another paper from Mareng Mani et al. (2020) discusses how:

Being poor includes juggling between expenses (expected and unexpected) with low or uncertain income. This financial instability and uncertainty creates a burden that affects psychological and behavioral effects like attentional neglect.

Meaning, when a person is busy thinking of “paano ko kaya babayaran 'yon?” “ano na lang ang kakainin ko?” “paano kaya ako aabot sa susunod na sahod?” much of their attention is already occupied by simply trying to make it to tomorrow. And yet, they still make space to think of you.

Being poor not only distresses you with money, it also robs you of peace of mind, time for yourself, and even your partner or loved ones. This was also shown in “Unconditional Cash Transfers and Romantic Relationship Outcomes: A Randomized Controlled Trial” by Kanter et al. (2025),

Couples with financial strains, even with additional resources, experience great relational distress affecting even their intimate bonds.

So just imagine how much it takes for someone to give you that last singkwenta. For someone to see your well-being while struggling to secure their own.

A couple that I’m reminded of is Cong TV and Viy Cortez. I’m not an avid fan of them but my partner and I often watch their vlogs during meals. One video that I remember—I am unsure if this came from one of their vlogs or an interview—is that when they began dating, Cong spent three months collecting pennies from changes he got for his mother’s errands. He managed to accumulate a total of ₱2,000 for their first date where he spent most of it for Viy. And now, through years of hardwork and consistent entertainment provision, they both managed to build a much better life for their family.

‘Yan ang sana all. Not in any mocking way, but because how wonderful it must be for all of us to reach the same achievement.

Just imagine as well how nakakapanghinayang it is to meet someone, a good partner, but you can’t be together because of the dire circumstances you’re both crawling your way out of. Just think of how much easier it would be to love as freely and as endless as we want to, if only we had the resources.

Sometimes, I’m even thinking that maybe love is also a privilege that can be bought by money because dating is expensive.

Wait, pero I’m not talking about that ex who made you a money milking machine ha?

I think we also have to address one thing:

A partner who earns ₱₱,₱₱₱ but neglects you to shoulder most of the bills and responsibilities or a partner who milks you for money for their games, leisure, motorcycle parts, gimiks, or allowance (sounds familiar?) and does nothing for you in return, both do NOT have a provider mindset.

But the partner who earns well, supports you, and takes responsibility + the partner who might not earn much but gives you 1000% of what they can—think of Yang Gwan Sik from “When Life Gives you Tangerines”—both have provider mindset.

No one is forcing anyone to stay on any relationship especially when money, livelihood, and future is on the line. But I guess what I’m really trying to say is that being poor distresses us in so many aspects: cognitive/mentally, behavioral, physical, and societal. But at the end of the day,

We yearn for someone to spend the good and bad days with, the paldo and baldo days. To yap about the big news, small mundane observations, weird dreams, inconveniences, and the life we all grind our bones to achieve.

We all just wish that—even if love does not pay the bills—hopefully it can ease our suffering and so-called Filipino resilience, and make it all feel a bit more bearable and worth it.

Even if it means loving with your remaining singkwenta.

Take whatever you need from these words and leave the rest among the flowers.

Until the next bloom,

Keysi

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it’s the 4th of august.

another rainy tuesday.

another dance for the sun and the moon.

and my birthday.

i’ve spent most of my life chasing.

chasing academic validation, what ifs, could’ve beens, if onlys. friends, perception, reputation, memories, duties, responsibilities.

the buzzing sound of expectations and obligations filled my ears until they turned into thoughts, then into voices, and eventually into what i believed was real.

i kept running for years as if i were running out of time. as if i had something to prove. as if i had to show people that i was deserving.

not until life forced me to pause did i realize—what am i trying to prove?

what is it that i want them to think i deserve? whose dreams and validation am i really chasing?

and for the short two months my constantly busy life came to a halt, i stood still and gazed upon the “golden” path i had paved for myself all these years.

the path everyone believed i would continue walking for the next 10 years. an “accomplished” vision. a guaranteed future. something that “i” can be proud of.

titles, achievements, certificates, awards, late-night work, “I got it”s, a bent back, tired hands, an ingenuine smile,

and a sense of pride that felt strangely hollow.

when i looked at this supposedly glorious path, and examined it as far as my eyes could see—for the first time in my life, without any back-up plan,

I took a turn.

one hesitant step turned into another, and another, until they became unsure but brave. among the tall grass and with no direction in sight, I began paving a new path only built entirely from my guts, my hopes, and the quiet courage of believing that although I may not see the end, I know I am walking toward where I’m meant to be.

I walked, and walked, and walked, until I realized—oh,

it’s already my birthday.

I used to plan everything ahead. place every brick carefully on that golden road everyone seemed to admire so much. even my birthday felt like it had to be carefully orchestrated.

yet somewhere along the endless walking, I became distracted.

I got lost in the beauty of the flowers, the gentle breeze of the wind, the warm rays of the sun, and the soft clouds dancing shyly above me.

i walked bare with only my thoughts and with each sight, I realized that peace is not found in what seemed to be the golden path—especially if that gold only struck the eyes of others and not the ones i behold.

peace is choosing a path of my own, even if I cannot see where it ends. a path that is true—so long as every flower blooms for me, every rain nurtures me, and every ray of sunlight reminds me of hope.

then after all these years, i didn’t sit by my phone waiting to see who would greet me first. who remembered. who forgot. and whether i should’ve planned something grander.

instead, i simply smiled at the sun that shone kindly on my day, wished myself a happy birthday,

and that was all that mattered.

Take whatever you need from these words and leave the rest among the flowers.

Until the next bloom,

Keysi

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