Then it happens.

The text.

“I’m coming to see you.”

And just like that, your whole mood changes.

You get joyful. The same kind of joy bodaboda riders and mama chapo get when a certain politician announces a visit to their area.

Full of hope.

Waiting for reflectors.

Waiting for aprons.

Waiting for promises that sound good in the moment.

Then the day finally comes and you meet.

Sasa sahiyo si butterflies kwa tumbo.

Ni mende 🤣

Scattered everywhere.

This is right after you’ve cuddled, shared litres of saliva, and lied to each other with a straight face that “we were meant to be.”

Hatutawahi achana.

You’re different.

God brought us together.

It’s the exact same energy as campaign day.The songs are playing loud.You’re dancing with your whole chest.

“Tibim tialala, my all the favorite!”

Chanting “Sijui tutamu!” like your life depends on it.(Sitaki kukujiwa na Subaru haina number plate)

Everyone is smiling.Everyone is believing.Everyone is convinced this time will be different.And then comes the reward.

Unga ya ngano.

A tshirt that you will swear is the best quality cotton in the world.

You take a photo, you wave, you smile, and you go home.

5 years later... nothing has changed.

No roads. No jobs. No follow-up texts.

The unga ngano iliisha, that tshirt has holes.

Just stories and memes.

The talking stage and Kenyan politics are siblings.

Both of them run on big talk, small action, and a lot of hope.

Both of them will have you clapping for potential.

Both of them will leave you asking, “So what exactly did we do here?”

So learn from elections.

Vote wisely.

Date wisely.

Don’t clap for vibes.Because the only thing worse than waiting 5 years for developmenti is waiting 5 months for a “u up?” text that never leads anywhere.

I’m usually left home alone when my parents go to work. Basically I have the whole house to myself : CEO, chef, cleaner, and Netflix reviewer all in one. I wake up at whatever time I want, I decide whether to eat breakfast, lunch, or do the dangerous “breakfast-lunch combo” at 4pm. Then I get my warm blanket, my holy grail, and hop onto whichever series I’m on like my life depends on it.

Then my parents come home after work and their food is already served. We eat and as always, I sprint to my room. Why? Because I’m not in the mood to get questioned. “Why didn’t you cook the beans?” “Why didn’t you wash the car?” Then my dad hits me with the classic “can’t you use common sense and wash the car when it’s dirty”like sir... ?

Leave alone the countless times I make tea in this home like I’m running a café. I run to the dispenser and get water like I’m in a marathon. And I pass a remote that is SO close to them like 2cm away from their hand but they can’t move a single bone to get it.

But the minute I’m in my room? Suddenly I’m “lazy” and “I don’t help.” Make it make sense. I’m basically the unpaid househelp with a Netflix subscription.

What they don’t know is that I have peace in my room. No one is yelling at me or trying to piss me off. I’m watching my series on blast without being told “ebu reduce volume.” I’m listening to Frank Ocean in peace without being told “ebu weka the kamba songs.” I’m watching the World Cup without being told “ebu toa uweke news.” My room is basically a 5-star hotel with free WiFi and zero customer complaints.

I honestly believe long distance is the best even with my parents. Why do they want me in the same room with them all the time? I don’t want to listen to kamba songs because hadi siskii kikamba vizuri , nitajibu “eee” kwa vitu sijaelewa 😭. I don’t want to listen to Kenyan politicians wakitusiana on news like it’s WWE. I don’t want to be asked “mbona niko na piercings sita” 🙏 because we both know it will turn into a 2-hour lecture on peer pressure and how I’ll end up joining a cult.

Ik I am not the only one going through this. Can my parents just understand that I love my room more than their living room? 🤣 It’s not personal. The living room has news,sermons, and questions. My room has peace, snacks, and Frank Ocean. The math is mathing.

They need to know I do things because I want to, not because my peers influenced me. My room isn’t me running away from you. It’s me running to somewhere I can just be in peace, with snacks, and without a pop quiz.

I need to move out , nimechoka

That was me. Nicole decided to change. Something I thought I’d never do.

I became CHALANT

Past Nicole? You’d never catch me saying “I love you” first. I lived permanently in the “I love you too” department 😂 Reply only. No initiations.

Then there I was… being a good girlfriend.

Cancelled all niggas because of HIM

Compare that to my past? Past Nicole was juggling 3 boys at the same time like it was a talent show 😭 I had a roster, not a boyfriend.

I was close to experiencing true love.

He treated me like a princess. For once, I wasn’t the one treating niggas like royalty and getting scraps back.

For this relationship I tried being a lover girl.Something you would never catch old Nicole doing.

For the first time, I didn’t find using names like “babe” or “my love” cringe 😭Not with just anyone. With a guy.

Past me? I’d hear “babe” and roll my eyes so hard. Too soft. Too much.

But with him? It felt natural.

I made time for us to spend together.

Past me? I’d choose to stay at home and sleep, or go out with my friends 😂

But with you? I loved every moment we shared. I showed up. On purpose.

I decided to CARE.

“Where are you?” “How was your day?”

But ig it wasn’t well enough.

Past me? I would never ask. I could wait all day for them to start the convo, then they’d tell me how their day went without me asking… and I’d hit them with an “okay” / “that’s nice” 😂

Cold. Detached. Safe.

I started opening up for him.

When I got hurt, I’d actually tell him how much it affected me.

Past me? I’d just argue in my mind, then leave the nigga without saying a word 😂

But for him I tried. I spoke up. I let you see the damage.

And he shoved it away like it was nothing.

We weren’t on the same page.

I decided to show AFFECTION

But for him? I gave goodbye kisses.

Past me? I’d dub up a guy and hit him with a cold “si tuonane” 😂

I hated PDA. But for him? I wanted the world to know.

Let me tell you… we even had couple pics and I let them stay in my phone. Bado ziko btw 😭

Past Nicole wouldn’t even want any pictures with any nigga. Evidence? Deleted. Memories? Blocked.

My friends thought I was running mad 😭 But it was worth it.

At first they thought I was joking about being loyal… but they accepted it at the end.

Maybe I wasn’t easy to love.

But I tried so much for him. I showed up. I softened. I stayed. And ig I will never let this version of me die. Because it took me time to become this way.

I hate being cold. I dislike making someone else feel bad just because I’m uncomfortable being a lover girl.

I’m keeping her.

After all that… being good enough isn’t enough for another person.

You might’ve changed. You might’ve become someone new. But this new person? They’ll never know your past.

They were just the first to meet the version you became for them.

Stays soft where it’s safe.

My mom showed me a picture of me when I was little today. I was smiling so big, looking happy and full of life. The way my mom smiled at that picture almost broke me.

Because there I was, sitting next to her, holding my phone and carrying a heart so heavy she doesn’t even know.

I looked at that little girl and wondered what happened to her. Somewhere between growing up and just surviving, I think I lost myself.

I wanted to cry right there and tell my mom everything I’m going through :how tired I am, how much I’ve been holding in, and how much I wish I could feel as light as that little girl looked in the photo.

Maybe seeing her reminded me of the person I’m trying so hard to find again. 😭❤️

:

Yesterday i came home nikapata wamelala, called my mum to open the gate and she didn’t even say a word Dead silence. Just beep and the gate opened. When she woke up she came to my room and told me goodmorning... with that smile . You know the one. The “goodmorning my child, we’ll talk later” smile. The kind of happy that feels sarcastic.

Don’t even remind me the time my mum found out i was drinking 🫩 She called her pastor to pray for me... story for another day 💔 That was a whole 1-hour deliverance session.From Night out to Altar call.

Anyways let me hibernate in my room until supper time, can’t face those parents

Yesterday was so peek 🕺🏽 Music, vibes, dancing like nobody’s watching.

Except from the phone calls i got from my parents 🙂 “Tunasikia bass hapo. Uko wapi?” Boring ik.

Parents: 1

My peace:0

My liver: We’ll talk later