I’d been at it for more than half an hour with little success.

More than once I ruefully asked myself “What have you gotten yourself into now?”

Let me back up a bit.

As I was nearing the end of the year-long project management training, I began to ask myself if I wanted to pursue more professional certifications. While there are a few things I’d like to pursue, I feel like I have an opportunity to do and look at new things on a personal level as opposed to professionally. And to be honest, the idea of sitting through another professional skills class left me less than enthusiastic. I found myself avoiding the idea, my thoughts drifting towards things I can do with my hands, with my eyes and with my brain. I picked up my camera and played with it one afternoon when I should have been reading. I caught myself lining up recipes and dishes and plates. I found myself doodling and drawing. It was clear that my mind wanted to go in a different direction. There were a lot of things I wanted to try.

Like sewing.

Which brings me back to why I was hunched over my dining room table like a grumbling and snarling Disney villain whose evil plans had gone awry. Earlier in the day I had taken a sewing bootcamp through WorkshopSF because a month before that I had impulsively bought a sewing machine. Why? Because it’s a skill that I don’t know how to do and I feel like I have an opportunity to learn something new.

What I hadn’t counted on was my middle-aged eyes not being able to see the eye of the needle when trying to load the machine. Like totally unable to see it. The instructor had to reload my machine four times for me and I began to feel embarrassed and frustrated. She shrugged it off pleasantly enough, but my inner perfectionist that demands that I do things perfectly on the first try found it to be a crushing and humiliating thing to face.

So what did I do?

After class, I went home and stubbornly put the sewing machine on the table and tried to figure it out. It took me over half an hour to get it the first time. So of course I immediately pulled it out so I could try and master it. That one took another half hour. I just couldn’t see the eye enough to do it easily until I realized that not being able to see the eye was a matter of light and contrast so I propped a piece of yellow paper behind the needle and tried again. That one took 10 minutes, but the one after that took 15. After much swearing and cursing and muttering, I asked myself what I had gotten myself into and considered that maybe I needed to just go to bed.

You’d think I did, but instead I stayed up for another half hour researching and then buying an adjustable light with a 10x magnifying glass attached to it. The logic was clear to me. Just because I might be having a harder time doing the basics… like thread the fucking needle… is not a reason to not do it. I just need to figure out a way to do it.

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Long time readers may see a pattern here… where I do the hard things, as JFK said, “not because they are easy, but because they are hard.’ My mother used to call it “making things hard for yourself”. I used to call it an opportunity to stubbornly ignore my mother.

I’ve realized that even before the project management and the procrastinating, I’ve begun setting up a space in my head for creative work like this. Buying sketch pads. Buying watercolors and brushes. Buying a sewing machine. All of it is an intentional embracing of the creative work that I’ve been aching to do while working my way through the exciting and scintillating world of project management. There are really only so many project charters and spreadsheets that I can work on before I catch myself looking at painting tutorials on YouTube as a matter of self-preservation. Now that the coursework is done, it’s time to focus on resurfacing into the world and trying the things I want to be doing versus what I have to be doing. And that includes mastering threading a needle, so I can master the next thing and the next and the next.

Maybe, just maybe, resurfacing means more than just engaging with the outside world. Maybe it’s about buying a sewing machine, swearing at it late into the night, and purchasing magnifying glass contraptions just to get some thread through a tiny hole. Maybe it’s about engaging in something that makes me feel alive again. Maybe it’s just a fun thing to do. I don’t know what I’ll make yet and I have absolutely no idea where this is going.

Which, for the first time in a while, for just a little while, is kind of the point.

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Coming Up in Part 3. I actually engage with other human beings… on purpose!

This week I gave my final presentation for the project management certification course I’ve been working on for more than a year. When the Q&A ended and the instructor praised my team’s work, I realized I’d been holding my breath. I let out an exhale somewhere between a raspberry and a fart and sank back in my chair, suddenly exhausted.

I tried to pay attention to the remaining presentations, but my mind wandered. Eventually, the instructor said his final words, class ended, and we all logged off.

And suddenly I had nothing to do.

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This coursework has eaten up most of my free time over the past year despite all the other things that I have been doing, including starting a new job that’s proving to be a bigger challenge than expected. Even during the weeks between classes, I was always playing catch-up for the rest of my life or trying to get ahead of the next class. I had a few days where I tried to sleep in but my brain just kept circling around like a whirlpool and I would end up getting out of bed just to do whatever was stressing me out and get it off my mind. And in the process of letting those things take over, some of the things that I love to do the most have fallen to the side. Things like:

1. I haven’t taken a whole Saturday to make a project meal

2. I haven’t walked from one end of Golden Gate Park to the beach

3. I haven’t sat still with a book that is focused on food and cooking

4. I haven’t reached out to anyone to grab coffee

Here’s what I have done:

1. I have let my garden wither and get choked by weeds

2. I have accumulated piles and piles of junk that need to be disposed of

3. I have gotten behind on a list of repairs for the apartment

4. I have let my friendships go

That last one has been a bit of a growing issue for me. A combination of my various obligations and the shift away from socializing around alcohol has left me spending more time alone. The other night, I made some fish tacos for dinner and sat down to eat and watch some TV before class got started. There was nothing that I really was invested in enough to sit and watch so I flipped the TV off and finished eating. About a third of the way through my tacos, I realized how quiet the house was and that I was just sitting there, eating in silence, by myself. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are days when silence and some fish tacos are the ultimate in what I want out of life. But that night, I felt a little lonely and a little like I could be doing more to engage in life more. I had the end of my classwork in sight and the chance to do some things that might be more in line with things I’m interested in.

In fact, I now have the project management skills to support doing what I want to being doing.

Next time on KitchenBeard: What Have I Gotten Myself Into Now??

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I should be working on the final project for the final class in my project management certificate cycle …

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A memory: Sausage and Potato Frittata Topped with Parmesan with a Tossed Salad

My mother would make a version of this often. A frittata and a salad and a glass of wine on a Wednesday night.

If she hadn…

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“Ireland, sir, for good or evil, is like no other place under heaven, and no man can touch its sod or breathe its air without becoming better or worse.”

— George Bernard Shaw, from John Bull’s Other I…

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Most of my readers know that I’ve be…

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In the meantime, I still need to feed myself. While digging through my spices seeking inspiration, I found the ras el hanout that I had bought from Samiranis Imports on Mission. The original intent had been to use it in a chicken garbanzo tagine but then I looked at it and asked myself if it could work in a sauce for pasta? Of course it could. Would it pair with the squash I had sitting on the counter? Of course it would.

If you’re not familiar with ras el hanout, it’s something to add to your spice and seasoning cabinet and even learn to make yourself. Arising out of the spice trade routes in North Africa, specifically in Morocco as well as Algeria and Tunisia, the blend was often made using the best of the spices available with each seller making their own special blend of 20-301 different spices2. The resulting mix often has a deep and earthy flavor that brings vibrant color to both sweet and savory dishes.3 I personally like it’s fragrant and floral undertones that aren’t overwhelmingly burning hot which sets it apart from a lot of the spice mixtures you might have used that are rooted in other cuisines.

Making my own spice blends has been something I have been trying to do in small batches. For example I use a mix of black pepper, fennel seed and coriander seed in my everyday cooking. I make a small batch of 1 tablespoon each and use that in sautés, salad dressing and even under the skin of a chicken. I keep the batch small because once spices are ground, they lose their potency quickly. Keeping the blend in an airtight container helps but the fresher it is the better it will taste.

Ras el hanout is a good place to start as you learn about using spice blends to enhance the flavor of your dishes. Whether you grind it yourself or buy a blend, I suggest experimenting with different ratios and ingredients to get a sense of what works for you. I’ve found it to be more floral than say, for example, a commercial curry blend or a chili blend. All three use heat to convey flavor but the ras el hanout also uses aromatic spices like cardamom.

While I kind of made the following recipe up on the fly, I realized as I made it, that this is where you should probably try to have everything measured and ready to go before you start cooking. While you can certainly wing it (like I did), the risk of burning something (like I almost did) is a little higher. Having your mise en place ready will help make the actual cooking more stress free.

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One lesson that has been brought up is that I’ve spent a good portion of my life surviving and doing what I needed to do to survive. The question is now, how do I stop surviving and starting living? I don’t have an answer for that yet. A lot of the questions I’m asking myself are revealing themselves as being rooted in my sobriety and the reinvention of my life apart from the life I’ve been living. We all know the phrase “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It’s time to do and be something.. someone… different.

My health this year veered off course. I was training for a 5k race one day and then suddenly the next I couldn’t breathe. I’m not going to share the details of what’s happening on social media. I’m fine and I’m learning to deal with some limitations on what I can, and more importantly, cannot do anymore. I’m trying to reclaim some vigor and energy, but to be honest, there are days I can’t do anything but gasp for breath on the couch. This means I’m often unable to leave the house because I simply can’t breathe. I’m trying to push through, and I’m seeing progress, but I’m also having to face the fact that this isn’t going to go away and is my new normal. I’m trying to keep pragmatic about it.

I’m not the kind of person to write resolutions. With the reinvention of how I live my life I realize that I’d like to spend less of my time doing the same old and more time learning new things and new skills. There are things I’d like to learn. Things I see are gaps in my knowledge. Places I can expand a creative process and pursuit. I spent some money and time buying and getting reacquainted with art supplies so I can push myself creatively in the coming weeks before my class load ramps up again. I’ve been taking a class in non-profit board governance while I’m between project management classes. I’ve had to laugh at times when they try to expound on proper board management and how everyone is so nice and polite. As I read and listen to the lectures, I think “They’ve never been on a gay non-profit board, have they.”

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Here’s a brief list of things I’d like to start to learn this year.

• Refinishing furniture - I find myself fascinated by antique restoration and wood furniture refurbishing. This isn’t painting furniture like I see others doing so much that covers the wood for a short term trend. It’s respecting the wood and history and learning to extend the lives of the pieces.

• Watercolor technique - I’ve got a stack of water color paper and I’d like to learn how to do more than just slap color on it. What story can I tell? What feeling can I evoke?

• I’m still collecting cookbooks and dishes. I’m beginning to rethink my approach as less acquisition than an educational and academic pursuit. How can I expand on my knowledge of culinary antiques?

• Basic Sewing - I can currently sew a button, but there’s more. Can I make a t-shirt? Can I make shorts? What can I make?

• I want to learn more about the plants that grow native in my area so I can create a more biodiversity habitat in my yard.

• All that isn’t to say that food and cooking will ever be anything but core of my thinking and interests. There’s always more for me to learn there.

Here’s a quick recipe for the persimmons you’re probably seeing at the farmer’s markets in California. I make a version of this every year and it grows and changes depending on my mood and what I have on hand. This makes a little more than a quart of curd and would be good to give away in the New Year since I think little gifts are always a good thing. The recipe is behind the paywall if you are so inclined to join me.

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This class, like the one before it, is for a project management certification that has been eating up most of my free time outside of work. Despite my efforts to maximize my time, I still found myself craving and grasping for time to do the things I enjoy. Gardening, cooking and cookbooks had to take a backseat to stakeholders and risk registers. I found myself a little resentful at the exchange to be honest. So when the end of this class approached, I decided that this weekend would be a good time to start a project I’ve been thinking about.

The idea?

Dinner.

That’s it. Nothing earth shattering. Just dinner.

My popups and my potlucks have always been about that simple concept of a meal shared with others and I have to admit that getting 40 people together for the sole purpose of enjoying food really made me happy and proud. The idea resides there. And it comes from a place of wanting to belong.

The idea has been floating around in my head for a while, rooted not just in cooking but also in getting people together over food. All too often we find ourselves eating out of plastic containers in front of screens alone. I’m as guilty of this as anyone, especially between work and school, where I’ve resorted to eating the equivalent of slop bowls in plastic containers while listening to lectures or meetings. Meagan Day discusses how we as a culture are eating alone more in her recent article for Jacobin.

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And unfortunately, that’s where I’ve found myself a lot of the time.

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Aside from the horror show inflicted upon the world by the GOP, I’ve had a few things happening. My classes in project management are progressin…

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