Here’s some that I cover:

Do you mention the word suicide on stage, and if so, does the room go cold?

Has doing “Hard to Say” changed your relationship with your pain itself?

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I am, quite literally, crying at my computer right now, a soccer match on in the background. Colombia v. Ghana, taking place in my hometown of Kansas City, legitimately a couple of miles down the road from the house where I grew up. I am blessed to live in Los Angeles, another place the World Cup

But surprisingly the tears weren’t induced by my Trigeminal Neuralgia (the pain, though severe, doesn’t get that from me anymore), rather they’re tears of just kind of… optimistic joy.

Like many of you, and many people everywhere, the World Cup has landed on my summer not unlike the ship from the movie Independence Day, hovering over my every move and continually telling me that the United States has no chance. And all of my various timelines of doom-scrolling have pivoted into what I have seen described as “The Great American Sleepover.” (a term I really, really wish I’d coined, but instead I just saw around various places online).

Fans from all over the world have descended on major cities across North America, creating a cultural mashup that quite literally has brought me to tears. To be fair, I’m not a tough-cry, though I am a tough-to-predict-cry. It’s difficult to tell what will get me. And what has gotten me, these last couple of weeks? Random videos of “The Great American Sleepover.”

It’s like all of the kids from the other places got to come, spend the night, bring a little something, while we all cook and do the cool stuff and behave in a way that seems like we wish we always would, but we definitely do in front of guests.

I saw a video of Colombians in my hometown and it really got me.

Everything about Cape Verde’s wonderful run got me.

Some Japanese fans eating BBQ? Got me.

I’d link these videos, but the exact links are lost to the sands of scrolls, though all should be searchable.

I saw a few Norwegian fans watch a simple card trick outside of a match and jokingly threaten to fight the magician. And it got me.

Really, any “Here’s my food and here is your food, let’s exchange” video? I’m locked in.

Scotland fans finding the Cop Slide™️ in Boston? That’s basically world peace, to me.

England fans going to an Atlanta Braves game, picking out a player at random, and chanting for him? Come on folks, it’s beautiful.

Photos from the South Korea / Mexico watch parties in K-Town in Los Angeles are incredible.

A British announcer just saying “Here in Kansas City” is enough to make me feel a part of something. Let alone video of the Dutch fans parading through KC.

There’s endless examples. Please link to any you like, in the comments, or just send them my way.

There is this… smallness… to it all. Seeing people interact with people they don’t know, from backgrounds they don’t understand.

FIFA is, by really any account, one of the most corrupt entities that exists, of really any size or type. I’ve seen them described as an organized crime group in the sense that they love bribes, but without all of the “actually helps the neighborhood” aspects of the mob. The United States just might be the FIFA of countries. And all of that context looms over it all.

I guess I am just taking some time to look at the micro of it all. I spend a great deal of my life in pretty excruciating pain, and there’s a lot of times I think about life after life, quality of life versus pain, real doom and gloom shit. Then something like this all comes along and I’ll think, “Well, you’ve gotta be alive to see this sort of thing, I suppose.” and it keeps me up and going and here.

I’m going to post this not only on a Saturday, but on the 4th of July as well. Maybe one of America’s least-online days of the year. But so it goes. The 4th doesn’t feel as fun as it used to, for reasons and things and stuff and the state of it all, but there’s a lot to love. I’ll spend some time sliding away and freeing up to do my favorite 4th of July tradition: calling my mom so we can watch the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest together over the phone. It’s disgusting, and it’s art, and that’s America for ya. I suggest you watch as well, if just for the greatest competitor introductions of all time.

Then we’ll all meet back here after the United States wins the World Cup.

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In D&D news (as there sometimes is, here), rather than a new Homebrew Item, I’d like everyone to pour one out for Melton, a Halfling Rogue PC in a long-going campaign I am DungeonMastering. He died quite an admirable death in our campaign the other night. He died how he lived: dying a lot.

Also, here is my latest in my series of “Worst Advice” I’ve received.

Thanks for being here, everyone. However you found your way here, I appreciate it. If you’re in pain, I hope it’s as little as possible, and you get some time for relief and life.

Always accumulating questions for my next audio podcast of the premium subscribers, on here. Questions in the comments, on instagram, wherever. Hope to see you in Ojai, CA on the 11th.

Thanks again

kyle

P.S. I made some banana bread, and played a session of tennis so long that my watch became concerned. Stay alive, folks. I’ll be here.

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Real quick want to let you know that my show in Ojai, CA had to push to July 11. Tickets are available! Would love to see you there! Will be doing my hour-long comedy show about life in chronic pain. Please tell a friend in the area! Are there friends in that area? Local friends in YOUR area! Anyways!

Wow, we made it back. It’s good to be here. I hope you’re well. I’m a bit embarrassed, though not entirely surprised, at how hard it is for me to keep up with this regularly. I think it’s a combination of a few things. I suppose, sadly, I keep waiting for “Some great news” to drop. Or at least some sort of change, improvement, insert third thing here to happen that would give me a good change of pace to write about. There’s also the factor of, well, everything just feels so damn hard. Even getting up for the normal stuff feels hard.

I’m drinking water from this smaller reusable glass bottle and it feels like I’m drinking more because the bottle gets empty so quickly and then refilling it seems to be the high I’ve been chasing. Like, being able to finish the bottle counts as a victory? Every time? Might’ve found a hack to stay alive, here, everybody.

A couple of weeks ago I was in San Diego telling jokes. An incredibly fun show, thank you if you were someone who came out. Some podcast fans, some Kyle’s-comedy fans, some folks who have no idea who I am, it was great. And without getting into too many details I just want to say a special, Hey Thank You to the folks who come out to shows for whom I can tell it is… difficult to come out to shows. Audience members who come out who have Trigeminal Neuralgia, I know you might not get out as often as you’d like, and that it might be more work than people understand for you to come out, so thank you for making that effort for “what actually got me out of the house” to be me.

Almost every show I do now, even if they don’t say anything to me after the show, I will notice people who, in the simplest terms I can put it, made it out even though they’re also going through it.

So thank you for coming, no matter who you are, and especially if it’s a lot for you to do so. It makes me feel better about getting past my general “It really hurts a lot of the time” to keep on at a semblance of a regular life, and try and do what I love, telling dumb jokes on stage.

Three (3) small water bottles down. Almost one regular water bottle’s worth of water, but THREE! Bigger than one! So it’s more. I did more.

I understand I am not a good, eloquent writer. I’m repetitive, I don’t proofread (or reread) anything. So thanks for being here for this. I still don’t know how Substack works. I don’t even know what pops up for you when you visit, here.

And for everyone who reaches out to me online, instagram or email or wherever, I am sorry if I don’t get back. A lot of messages come in about pain, life, and everything, and I try and get back when I can. Some do get lost, but I do try and get to folks when I can.

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Shoutout everyone who came out to my show “Baggage Claims” the other night in Los Angeles. I asked comedian friends to joke about things they don’t normally joke about, maybe get a bit uncomfortable, who knows. It was a blast. Thanks again if you came!

A quick joke that went well on stage: “There’s not even enough money in comedy to OD, anymore.”

And I must give a lovely shoutout to my wonderful partner, Bailey, who finished a run of play performances at Hollywood Fringe. Along with her great co-star Jessica Berón, and directed by Eric Barnard, they did Mindy Kaling’s play “Matt & Ben” and it was so, so good.

I was also able to see one of my favorite musical duos, “Sylvan Esso” at a small venue I’d never been to, before, in Pasadena (anyone know what’s up with “Sid the Cat Auditorium”? It was SO cool).

Here’s my latest “Worst Advice I’ve Gotten Dealing With Chronic Pain” video in my ongoing series on Instagram!

I also recently rewrote Seinfeld, despite having never heard it, for my podcast “Never Seen It with Kyle Ayers.” You can watch the table read here:

Thank you all for being here, folks. However you got here, I’m glad you are here and are still here.

I keep having this thought that hey, I won’t see them fix this thing that ruined my life if I’m not alive. So might as well stick around just in case.

Always accumulating questions for my next audio podcast of the premium subscribers, on here. Questions in the comments, on instagram, wherever.

Thanks again

kyle

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I used to have (and I guess still do have? Does a joke… go away?) this joke about a time when I wasn’t going to therapy, but then there was a sign that I probably needed to go back, when I yelled at a chirping bird to “Reel it in a little bit. We get it.” The quick moral of this is that standup comedy jokes hold up really well when out of context and written down.

But the bird was just being honest, and tweeting (dear god how much the meaning of this word has changed, and then refused to change even when a billionaire tries to destroy the new meaning).

The old joke popped into my head because I was brainstorming something to write about on here, to get back into the groove of all of this. It’s been some weeks of fairly consistent bad days. Severe pain, a lack of sleep, tweaking my knee multiple times, everything costing ten thousand dollars, forgetting that I was out of almond milk once. Probably in that order. Even in the three minutes I just spent between these last two sentences, I logged onto chess.com and blundered away my Queen, resigned a match, and am back here to finish up the writing. So it goes, I suppose.

Back to this thought on reeling it in.

I spend a lot of time doing comedy in green rooms, and you bump into friends you haven’t seen in a long time, a lot of the time. We’re all bouncing around, ending up together when we’re booked alongside one another. We’ll all catch up, riff, goof around, lament the lack of water in the green room, whatever.

I’ve found myself in a similar spot a few times recently, where I am with friends and comedians and folks, and I realize I have answered the question “How are you doing?” too honestly. Or, if we’re closer (or used to be closer) they’ll ask some form of “How is the head thing going?” and I’ll accidentally tell them a completely accurate version of how it’s going. (I just lost another chess game, this one because my clock ran out)

You kind of feel the air let out of the room when you get into the details of chronic pain. Or, just as much so, when you give an honest, “Oh not good at all,” when folks ask how you are. It’s tough. I am so casual, borderline flippant with how I talk about being in pain all of the time, and to me “Oh not good at all,” is the new “Fine” is the new “Oh yeah good.” and we can move on while talking. But saying the “Oh yeah good,” sounds dishonest, so I… just sort of don’t.

And I’ve started to reconsider how I approach, and reel it back in to “Oh yeah good.” It’s hard, when you live with something and it kind of destroys and ruins you, and then you continue living with it for years, to remember that this is not everyone’s (or, statistically, almost anyone’s) experience. Small talk is called that because it is small, even if what I consider “small” has changed. You just want to, at some point, be a good hang again.

Substack is giving me “Network Issue” notifications, maybe it’s a sign that this is long enough, meandering, or seeming like a call for pity (which it isn’t, I’m just trying to be honest with it all). I don’t know if there’s a full circle “Or I’m the bird and I continue to chirp” ending to put in here. To this day I find that bird to be a bit over the top.

Speaking of good hangs. The Laugh Your Face Off fundraiser show was in late April at the Aon Grand Ballroom on Navy Pier in Chicago , helmed by Pat & Amy Tomasulo, two of the loveliest people I’ve ever met. Amy also has TN, and Pat, an incredible standup, hosts this show raising money for the Facial Pain Research Foundation. I got to perform for the third time on a fundraiser show to raise money to cure myself. Hard to beat that. What a great group of folks and I love Chicago. Nearly a million dollars was raised!

Here’s my latest “Worst Advice I’ve Gotten Dealing With Chronic Pain” video in my ongoing series on Instagram! They’re all over the place.

I appreciate you all being here, folks. For my D&D contribution, may I direct you to “Never Played It,” a D&D spinoff of my podcast, where I have comedians who’ve never played D&D before do a one-shot campaign. Here’s our latest, called “Herdington High,” a campaign loosely based on the wonderful movie “The Faculty”

I appreciate you being here! Always accumulating questions for my next audio podcast of the premium subscribers, on here. Questions in the comments, on instagram, wherever.

For folks who have reached out about Trigeminal Neuralgia and my “Worst Advice” series, I am sorry if I haven’t gotten back. The series has blown up a bit in the community and I try and catch on up DMs as I can.

Thanks again

Kyle

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Episode #004.

Questions I hit on:

How has your “Hard to Say” show changed? Have you cut a lot? I share some longer, ridiculous stories involving a physical therapist missing appendages and me waking up from surgery to see that.

Do you still get a lot of messages online (re: advice)? After seeing your series, just wondering! I talk about guilt of not being able to answer messages, wanting to offer real advice, and the response to the series popping of over on Instagram.

D&D

Anything big you’re hoping to implement, D&D-wise? I have a large, physical-object idea I hope to implement into campaigns, which I discuss! Plus I talk Side Campaigns some more.

I appreciate you all being here. Free posts will continue! I am experimenting with the best way to publish the premium content, I am sorry if this invaded your inbox and you weren’t hoping for it. Leave any questions you may want answered in the future!

Paid subscribers get access to the responses via audio, below!

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If you’re around Chicago I will be there later this month for the wonderful Laugh Your Face Off, a show that benefits the Facial Pain Research Foundation. If my set goes well enough they might cure my pain disorder. It’s the closest to health insurance a standup comedian might ever get.

I’d love it if you were in the area and somehow could come, or if you’d even check out the event and foundation and all they have going on.

To the post!

I have been posting a series on Instagram (and whatever Tik Tok is, anymore) where I go through some of the Worst Advice people have sent me to deal with my Trigeminal Neuralgia. Folks will reach out a lot, often after I perform my show, or seeing something of mine online, and send me advice. Almost all is well-intended. A lot are good ideas and thoughts. Some are so bizarre that I have to tell them to someone else (or someones else). Here’s an example:

My posts are all in good fun. Something that they have prompted is a lot of new eyes my direction, online, and a LOT of discord in the comments (and my DMs). A. LOT.

And a thought/question/inquiry/comment I have seen more often recently than ever before, is people asking “How did this happen?” or “What caused this?” or “Well when will it get better?” “What’s the cure?” etc etc etc.

I have people in my DMs with every iteration of “It doesn’t look like you’re in pain” and “Well XYZ cure will fix it.” you can imagine.

I will talk with some folks, and a back and forth will often hit a standstill, a disconnect, a…. third-thing, somewhere around the “Ok but when does it (or how does it) go away or get better?” area of the conversation. Or the “Yeah but what did you do to cause it?” question.

Since the post is long enough already and I am not a concise write I’ll just say what I am wanting to put out there, with this post (this sentence is not that, it’s the next one!).

Folks simply cannot, or do not want to, fathom the fact that something could suddenly happen to them that could derail, or ruin their life.

I think we, as people, have a hard time conceptualizing our actual mortality, let alone random, invisible fragility. I hear every iteration of “You don’t look like you’re in pain/disabled/hurting/etc etc etc".

I am working on writing a television show that contains a lot of my personal story in it, and some actual feedback I’ve received from people has been “How does he look more in pain? I don’t get it.” I think something invisible, and something forever, makes people profoundly uncomfortable. I might feel like this for the rest of my life, and I am making every effort to move around, have normalcy in my life, despite Trigeminal Neuralgia. The idea that anyone could wake up in pain forever doesn’t seem to be a reality some people are interested in, even though it’s the reality that FAR more folks than you realize, live with every day.

Anyways! That’s kind of what I wanted to say, today! There’s no clean answer, I just sort of am in pain for who-knows-how-long, and it doesn’t manifest physically, which I think breaks some peoples’ brains (not in the way mine broke).

Be kind to one another, that other person could be going through something you can’t see, even if it doesn’t seem so.

Thank again for being here, everyone.

Kyle

I recently did a live show called “Bake Stuff with Lindsay Adams,” which is, if you can’t guess, a show where you bake stuff with (I’ll give you a moment to guess) Lindsay Adams. It was a blast, Lindsay is hilarious, and we made some baked treats for the audience live during the show.

No D&D item today, sadly. I AM, however, in a campaign that is coming out as a podcast!! Wonderful comedian Dan Telfer is DM-ing myself and some hilarious, great folks and you can follow it, pledge towards the production and campaign, and more!

Also! I am about to record another Audio Podcast for the Premium Subscribers (capitalized!) on here, as well as for my Patreon. Any Life, Pain, D&D, Comedy questions, please drop in the comments, or DM me wherever! I am not good with Substack. I do not know how many buttons pop up where and how. Please consider subscribing!

Thanks again

Kyle

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Up top here, I’d like to take a moment and tell you about my Uncle Craig. He passed away nearly two weeks ago. He was (I say this having met everyone I’ve ever met) the kindest person I know. He had such positive, wonderful heart. He was one of a kind. I mean that, sincerely. No one like him. He exuded a joy for life, being around his family, and making other people happy and comfortable. I, along with everyone who ever crossed paths with him, will miss him dearly. He wanted everyone to celebrate his life, and I want to live mine more like him every day, if I can. Love the folks you love, folks.

So it’s been a little bit but here we are, and it looks like we’re still here. I think both parts of that sentence meant something different. In my head they did. But, to be fair, if you read this Substack you know that “in my head” isn’t always a positive place to be.

Oh my god that last sentence read like I am a discount Joker or something. Do the kids call it… cringe? What I meant is explicitly: I have a physical pain disorder, not a “wanna know where I got these scars?” disorder.

Let’s catch you up on the current state of my Trigeminal Neuralgia. It’s bad.

As someone who has spent more-time-than-I’d-wish-on-anyone in a state of totally giving up (To an extreme extent. To a fugue, “I am simply ready to end this,” state), it’s difficult for me to say that this is the worst the pain has ever been. Quite frankly, I can’t remember. My brain and my soul have seemed to develop a rigid callus over the parts of them that used to remember how anything felt, good or bad. But the pain these days is excruciating, and I think I might just have a better support system around me that helps stave off the deepest, darkest of the thought patterns.

Someday I’ll write about support systems. The general shit-ness one feels when their normal day is so bad that those around them feel guilty for having a regular-bad day, or even a good day! I’ll tack into that writing about support systems about how sometimes people close to you’s general disbelief (or, assuming positive intent, inability to understand) the level of your pain, will write off the seriousness of it, and eventually just be ground down into a state of resentment. But not today! This paragraph is in italics, so that means it’s an aside, not the primary topic! Kyle, this is too long of an aside. Crap, you had to go un-italicized to indicate an ironic wall-break amongst an italicized aside. Moving On.

So I don’t think I’m breaking any ground in many circles in saying that things feel pretty heavy right now, across the board. Things are expensive, and for a lot of us, life feels tougher than it ought to be, even on top of the regular-tough it feels.

But I want to do this, with this post (maybe I’m ignoring what I should really be writing about, now that I think about it. I suppose that is what it is):

I’m presenting this idea to you, wonderful people of the Reading This Right Now Community: It’s ok if you let yourself have a little win, I won’t tell anyone.

I’ve been attempting to (Constant severe pain aside, Mrs. Lincoln) take a little better care of myself. I play tennis, I move around, I am trying to be more proactive in contacting friends and doing a lot of the “being alive” stuff I lost to some of my other years of Trigeminal Neuralgia (Which I spent largely on my kitchen floor, giving up. A place and state of I understand anyone with this spending time).

And while I’m also trying to eat better (when eating doesn’t hurt), I’ll also bake a goddamn cookie sometimes. So use that, I suppose, as my metaphor. Bake your cookie.

The news is overwhelming, relentless, and dire. It’s ok to take a beat and bake your cookie. It won’t make you into an uninformed person. It will be there after the cookie.

Apply this metaphor however you need to. Feeling ok for a moment throughout an avalanche of bad things doesn’t make you a bad person.

That’s it for today, folks. I’ll describe a little D&D campaign idea that I am utilizing, below.

I appreciate you being here. I will be doing another audio solo pod for the paid subscribers this month! Drop any questions (anyone!) in the comments below.

I hope you’re as pain free as you can be, with whatever pain you’re carrying around.

Kyle

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D&D Homebrew Item Campaign Tactic of the Week: The Schedule-Induced Side Campaigns. Wondrous Event: Way Too Common.

The most regular D&D campaign that I DM has, like every D&D campaign that has ever existed, a very tough time scheduling everyone to be together. So I have started “Side Campaigns” that take place when someone cannot make a session. These are low-stakes, lower lift campaigns that take place in the same world as my primary campaign, even at the same time. So rather than our “Let’s stop this Lich” campaign, I have a “Let’s stop our Dad’s Landlord (worse than a Lich, canonically)” campaign. And a “We’re in a Caravan” campaign. A fun thing that’s kept us from canceling a session because one person can’t make it. Plus players get to tryout new classes.

Ok I can’t keep adding that divider line to separate everything. Thanks for making it to the end, everyone. Remember to drop any questions below.

kyle

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I feel like that should have been the best day of my year (or years?). But, after a brief moment of excitement, a little “Oh wow this is great!” I spent most of the time worried about the pain showing back up again.

There’s something to that phenomenon. There has to be a German word for “I cannot enjoy this good thing because I know the bad thing is going to show back up, and I am spending my time worried about that.”

Think about it like a horror movie. When the killer is offscreen, you’re stressed, you spend all of your time thinking, “I don’t care if they’re enjoying this nice vacation in a cabin in the woods, there’s a killer and he could be right around that corner! Walk around the corner so I can see if he’s there!” Then, once you see the killer slash monster slash slasher slash (I just wanted to say that like that) bad guy, there’s a bit of… relief? “Oh thank god, the killer is here. Now we can deal with him. I was sweating, before, wondering when we’d have to deal with this killer.”

And, like every inevitable on-screen killer, my pain came back like an unwanted Hollywood Reboot (received by its audience, me, as though it was the Nic Cage “Wicker Man” reboot. Did we really need this to happen? And there’s worse one-to-one TN-to-cinema comparisons than “Not the bees!”)

It seems unfair that people with chronic pain spend their pain-free time worried about the inevitable return. I wish I could have enjoyed it.

And now I look back on that afternoon like a vacation I was too young to remember. In theory I’m sure it was a nice time. On paper it seems like I would have loved it, even if I don’t remember it much. Sure, I was there, I hope it happens again someday under circumstances I can log away long-term. This simile fell apart but I think you understand what I’m saying. I try and avoid vacations, what if I end up enjoying myself, and I should have been doing this all more often?

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Thanks for being here, folks. Thank you to everyone who came out to my show “Hard to Say” at SF Sketchfest, and the show leading up in Los Angeles. Everyone at the festival in San Francisco was wonderful, it was great seeing friends and doing the show for kind, packed out room at The Lost Church. Hope to be back, soon.

I will be accumulating questions again for another audio post for paid subscribers, soon! Please consider subscribing however you subscribe to things! You can leave any questions in the comments, message me on Instagram, or DM me here!

Thank you again!

-Kyle

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D&D Homebrewed Item of the Day: In a long-running campaign I am DM-ing, we have started something I am calling “Side Campaigns.” If our entire group of four cannot meet, we have a side campaign for each other group. So if Person 2, 3, and 4 and meet, but Person 1 cannot, we play the side campaign written for the group consisting of Persons 2, 3, and 4. Each combo of three has their own idea for the times only those three can show up. It helps keep us meeting regularly when folks schedules don’t always align. And the fun part, these additional campaigns take place in the same world as our main 4-person campaign. Will they all meet and line up? We will see. This particular campaign involves three Goblin siblings whose father’s tavern is being pressed under the thumb of a Hobgoblin landlord, and they are doing tasks to try and save their father’s tavern. Their father, Rekk, gave each of them a magic item. Here are the wraps he gave to his child who is a Goblin Monk.

Rekk’s Quiet Wraps: Wondrous Item, Rarity Unknown

These are a pair of worn cloth hand wraps, patched and rewrapped many times over the years. They smell faintly of smoke and soap. Old Rekk kept them folded beneath the bar, not on display, not hidden either, just sort of... there.

When you wear the wraps:

• Once per long rest, when standing on natural ground dirt, soil, roots, grass, unworked stone, etc., your unarmed strikes count as magical for the purpose of overcoming resistance.
• Once per short rest, when you hit with an unarmed strike, you can choose to immediately move 10 feet without provoking opportunity attacks.

That’s it for this one. Leave me life, D&D, comedy, pain questions in the comments for the audio pod that will drop ASAP on here for paid subscribers! I appreciate you all.

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I am performing that show on Monday January 19th in Los Angeles, and Saturday, January 24th in San Francisco as part of SF Sketchfest! Please come out if you’re around! Tell any friends who may be interested, word of mouth goes a long ways.

An overwhelming majority of them have kind, helpful words for me. And I believe nearly all of them are well-intended.

That being said, it’s simply a good time to post some of the funniest, most ridiculous advice people have offered up. Let’s do some of that now. Great job being gently meta, Kyle.

Oldest bit in the book and he couldn’t keep it going! Have I ever considered that the pain is in my head? I’ll look into it* (*a mirror where my brain surgery scars are).

THIS is the kind of tangible, result-oriented, action-based help I am looking for!

I feel like if I searched with this spelling there would not be lots online about it.

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I am always appreciative that people want to help. And hey, worst case I get messages like those, which are honestly pretty fun to receive.

I’m also thankful that you are here! Keeping this one slightly shorter, today. Hoping to see folks at the shows in Los Angeles and San Francisco next week! Some fun things coming down the pipeline.

Here’s a ridiculous new type of video I had fun making, and a couple of fun pictures.

Thanks again for being here, everyone.

I hope you’re as pain-free as you can be, living however you can best live.

-Kyle

I will be accumulating questions again for another audio post for paid subscribers, soon! Please consider subscribing however you subscribe to things!

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Hey everyone. Happy New Year. I’m on the west coast here in the U.S., so a lot of you will ring the next year before I get a chance to. Please, no spoilers on what year it ends up being.

Rather than a year-end list of my favorite this or that, I thought I would write up a quick post about what I am thankful for, painting with broad strokes. I know, wrong holiday. I’m late.

Because of my Trigeminal Neuralgia pain flaring up, I didn’t sleep at all last night (this isn’t the ‘what I’m thankful for’ part, yet), and barely the night before. So instead, I spent the extra dozen hours or so contemplating the passage of time and death’s inevitability, counting regrets, feeling sorry for myself for being in pain, wondering what happened to some friendships, wishing my career were going better, all of the healthy spirals.

As far as my pain goes, this year has been as frequent and intense as any I’ve experienced (not to brag). To a debilitating degree, it has dominated my time, my energy, my bandwidth to be alive (and want to be alive). It’s isolating and embarrassing. So Trigeminal Neuralgia, a horrific pain that stabs and electrocutes my face and head whenever it wants? Something I am not thankful for.

So I’m laying awake counting to 600 to see how close to exactly ten minutes that ends up being when I count it out, and an odd reframing pops into my head (not in the same manner that TN ‘pops into my head’). Trigeminal Neuralgia, chronic pain and the way it ruins my everyday existence, is certainly not something to be thankful for. I am less optimistic about it than I maybe have ever been, I am digging a deeper and deeper financial hole, throwing anything against the wall to see what might stick and help find me relief. Ok shit I got off track, let’s pivot back to the reframing.

Trigeminal Neuralgia, about the worst thing I can really imagine having to live with. Certainly a net negative on my life. (this is the reframing that popped into my head, you can tell because it’s italicized) It’s so gargantuan. But what if I thought about it as simply… one bad thing in my life. And what if I put no weight into the amount of bad it is.

I started thinking of all of the things I’m thankful for in my “Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?” life. I have a wonderful, gorgeous, supportive partner who takes on more of this pain burden than anyone should, while still being her great self. We have funny cats. I get to do comedy, and meet people who are often going through the same nightmare I am going through (and hopefully make those people laugh) with my comedy. What a gosh dang gift. I have Never Seen It, my absolutely ridiculous podcast with its incomparable fans. I play tennis, D&D, the occasional video game. I won my fantasy football league by 00.02 points (thank you Harrison Mevis, MIZ)!

By my count that’s seven or eight things. I did the math, that’s a lot more than one.

Taking all of that into account, I’ve decided that while the one biggest (there are other, smaller) negative thing in my life is, well, BIG, I’m going to try and frame it as simply, well, one. Which is amongst the smaller whole numbers (I knew that without AI). Seems a lot more manageable, that way. Even though the pain keeps me up at night, a lot, at least the complete lack of sleep helped me come up with this reframing device.

Gonna try and carry that into 2026.

I appreciate you all being here. I’ll drop a few “Favorites of 2025” below.

Thanks for reading, folks. I appreciate you being here. If you’re in San Francisco I am performing my comedy show about life with chronic pain, “Hard to Say,” during the fest! Saturday, January 24th at 4pm. Please get tickets and tell your friends!

I am also doing it in Los Angeles on January 19th as a warmup for Sketchfest.

Here’s a few of my favorite things of 2025!

Movies: Weapons, Sinners, One Battle After Another (wow Kyle, really unpopular picks) and not a 2025 movie, but I saw Oddity for the first time and loved it.

Books: If I’m reading anything it’s the Dungeon Crawler Carl series, or doing Murdle puzzles.

TV: I really loved Murderbot on AppleTV+. Task on HBO I liked. And well I’m biased, but Amy’s Dead-End Dreamhouse on Nebula was such a joy to play even the smallest part in.

Music: I went and saw Courtney Barnett in Joshua Tree and it was spectacular. She’s been one of my favorites for over a freaking decade now, which feels wild. Sharon Silva’s debut album, Underachiever, is also great!

Food and Drink: I get my coffee beans from Priscilla’s in Burbank, and make espresso at home. They’re also lowkey the best place to work, and have the kindest employees. Been mostly cooking at home, so I’ll say my favorite thing I cooked/baked was a toasted almond vanilla tart I made for Thanksgiving. Or this short rib ragu I recently made.

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D&D Homebrew Item of the Day:

A Very Yakety Coupon Book. I made specialized coupon books for a campaign that I run, a group that calls themselves the Yakety Assaxsins. Some of the coupons each player gets, but one is specialized for THAT player and their PC. They use the coupon, then roll a D20 to see what happens after.

I appreciate you being here, folks! Hope to see you in SF and LA. I am, somehow, excited for the new year. I hope you find some relaxation and are pain free through the holidays. I know they can be tough. It will be next year no matter what we do! I looked it up.

Kyle (again, I signed off once already)

I will be accumulating questions again for another audio post for paid subscribers, soon! Please consider subscribing however you subscribe to things!

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I answer questions fielded from Instagram, Patreon, and Substack.

Some questions I hit on:

What is the most ridiculous advice someone has given you about chronic pain?

For your personal self, what is your preferred way that people can express empathy/sympathy but not make it awkward or self-centered? Often I try to preten…

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I’ve hoped to be, quite frankly, funnier about all of this. But here we are.

I spent some time back home in Missouri last week, a good friend’s wedding and my mom’s birthday, two great days in a short span made for a nice trip the week before a holiday. It was nice to see folks.

For whatever reason, my friends and family don’t ask much about Trigeminal Neuralgia, anymore. I think the repetitiveness of the bad news can exhaust people. “Hey Kyle, how is your health?” “Not great.” “Ok who wants some BBQ?” Trigeminal Neuralgia, or really my health and life in general, wasn’t brought up on the trip at all, until I was catching up with a friend I hadn’t seen in… I can’t even begin to guess how many years.

After talking about the whole process of the pain and how I’d dealt with it, how nothing had worked, blah blah blah see previous posts for details, he asked me what happens now. Basically, so what does my life, my days, look like now, if I just sort of have to live with it.

And for whatever reason this description of my life relative to a movie came out of my mouth, a comparison I’d never even thought of, let alone said aloud before. I’ll share it with you all.

Beforehand, though, I do have to preface with this: I’ve never seen the movie Gravity. At least, I don’t think so. It feels like I’d remember. I think I know what it’s pretty much about (and if you know me you know ‘thinking you know what that movie is pretty much about’ is a lot of my life).

So when my friend asked me what are your days like now? and this description came out, please know that I understand there may be inaccuracies as it relates to the plot of the feature film Gravity.

What are your days like, now?

You know how, in that movie Gravity (I haven’t seen), one of George Clooney or Sandra Bullock gets launched from the space station, and starts flailing through nothingness? That’s how it all feels.

At first, I tried to grab ahold of the space station, again, and not float away, obviously. I called for help and I reached for whatever I could reach for, but nothing stuck and I started spiraling out. I spent some time spiraling around, pure panic. People were concerned, but what could they do?

And I’m still floating, away from the space station. You get to this point where you’re pretty sure nothing is going to save you from the endless void. You feel helpless, and you know your air will run out at some point, so why not just open your helmet and move things along.

But I never really opened the helmet, all of these years. So where does that leave me? Drifting around in a place that really very few people have ever spent any time. I know some folks have been here before, and some who’ve opened the helmet up to move things along. And I understand why they did. But not a lot of people have really been where I am right now.

So maybe while I can I’ll take a look around at this rarefied air. See what I can see. Might be interesting.

Maybe, eventually, the space station can swing over this way. Or may an alien will find me? I’m not sure, I haven’t seen Gravity before.

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Thanks for reading, folks. I appreciate you being here. If you’re in San Francisco I am performing my comedy show about life with chronic pain, “Hard to Say,” during the fest! Saturday, January 24th at 4pm. Please get tickets and tell your friends!

A quick, more literal update on my health. Dental issues have complicated, largely because of the Trigeminal Neuralgia making work difficult, and causing the damage from the get-go (see previous posts). In the last six weeks, I’m seven or eight trips in for various surgeries, repairs, treatments, re-repairs, and other stuff. As of the day this comes out, I’m getting more done. It’s hell. I've been put under with anesthesia a few times, and it’s never fun to just lose track of what day it is. The least invasive recent procedures have been dentistry and triggers (one of my least favorite words) my Trigeminal Neuralgia so bad that it disrupts the entire visit.

I also wanted to share this pain chart I found interesting. TN is on there at “44” on the scale. I can’t speak to the validity of every type of pain, and I have to assume “Stepping on a Lego” is a 51. If you’re not familiar with CRPS, it stands for Chiefs Really Playing Shitty. (I’m kidding). It’s Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, something I’ve met some folks who suffer from, and you can read more here.

But life!

I had a lovely time at a wedding. I saw this ad that I can’t help but think “than without cancer?!” after reading. I saw a guy carry a bomb onto a plane, and I found this Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card in my collection at my parents’ house. And look how cheap an NBA ticket was when there was a team in KC.

Thank you, again, for hanging around.

I will be doing another post of Q&As soon for paid subscribers! Please, leave any questions below, or message me, email me at my lastname firstname at gmail.com, or send it however.

Hope you’re well and as pain free as you can be. Enjoy the holiday if you’re one to do so!

Kyle

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If you feel like participating in a Secret Santa, every year my podcast Never Seen It does a “Secret Santa Where You Receive a Gift Referencing a Movie You’ve Never Seen and The Gift Would Make Sense If You’d Seen It, Trust Me.” You receive a funny gift referencing something you’ve never seen. It’s open to anyone, as long as you’re also ok sending something out. Sign up is here! I’ve gotten in the past Godfather-themed mugs, a Speak and Spell (never seen E.T.), and a lot more very fun gifts.

Anyways!

Around the exact time this newsletter drops, I’ll be headed to get some dental surgery. I’ll probably even be under, both financially and due to the anesthesia. One of the endlessly fun things about chronic pain is that the rest of your life seems to keep going, even if you don’t want to. Things will continue to go wrong outside of, or tangentially related to, your pain. And, in my case, Trigeminal Neuralgia will make all of those things a gianter-fuckinger-hassler. (Example: I have to get knocked out for dental work).

Years ago, when my pain first burst onto the scene (my head), but before I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia, I had some dentists and endodontists, in an effort to relieve the pain, take some teeth out, even though they didn’t seen anything wrong with those teeth. My pain was so severe, and my desperation so high, that I said go for it, just in case it did anything.

Well, removing the teeth didn’t fix the pain, but it did leave a couple of holes in my head that, up until recently, I thought served little purpose (aside from being a convenient place to hide a single peanut M&M for later). Turns out, those gaps in my smile opened the door for the rest of my teeth to spread out and stretch their metaphoric legs, adjusting and cracking against each other. My wisdom teeth (named after the type of folks who get them removed before they become a significant issue) were never taken out, so they’ve been in there sliding towards the empty gaps at the pace of that boat turning around in the Panama Canal (A TOPICAL REFERENCE!).

The pain in my head is often so severe that dental pain is an afterthought. I spend a heck of a lot of time feeling like I’m being electrocuted by a drill bit in the side of my face, so it takes something noticeable for teeth to get on the radar.

One night, one of my wisdom teeth (I refuse to capitalize them even if they should be) just sort of… partially fell out. And that hurt. “I need to do something about this,” I thought to myself, since I’m me.

Then a night later, in what can only be described as a very unique case of “You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit,” a different wisdom tooth also sort of… fell out, forgoing his severance (and no longer being an Innie, but now an Outie).

Blah blah blah emergency dentist appointment blah blah all of this work you got done before you knew you had Trigeminal Neuralgia has come back to haunt you blah blah that’ll be $10,000 blah blah blah.

Amongst trying to maintain, survive, and function with a rare nerve disorder in my head and brain and face, I am juggling the fallout of years of not knowing what I had, and throwing anything I could at an unnamed pain.

You’d think it’d be enough for chronic pain to simply have you in pain all of the time. But nope, it’s always excited to jump at the opportunity to seep into the rest of your life, even if it planted the seeds to ruin your day years before you had a name for any of it. Look, that sentence didn’t make perfect sense but what are we going to do? Go back and edit it for clarity? I’m not the [Journalism Reference To Be Filled In Later, Kyle].

As we dismount from the dental-heavy discourse, an update on the rest of my health: The Trigeminal Neuralgia has been flaring up recently, slowing everything else down. It’s been a bit hard to talk, a bit embarrassing to socialize, and a bit difficult to live. I’ve moved around, played tennis when I could.

I appreciate you all being here. I enjoyed doing the Q&A podcast for paid subs. Consider joining if you’re into that! You can always comment questions and I’ll address them on the pod!

Hope to see those of you in the Bay Area at SF Sketchfest in January!

Kyle

Also, if you’re a Pokemon fan, I found the Epstein Files. If you’re not a Pokemon fan, just pretend you totally get the reference.

D&D Homebrewed Item of the Day:

The Mug of Regrettable Honesty, wondrous item

A stout ceramic mug painted with cheerful flowers. Any drink poured into it tastes a little better than usual. When a creature finishes a drink from the mug they feel overwhelmingly compelled to share a small regret from their past. While the confession lingers in the air, that creature gains advantage on their next Wisdom check because of the unburdening they feel from getting that off their chest.

Once per day you may toast with the mug as an action to cast Calm Emotions.

I appreciate you being here, folks! Hope to see you in SF.

Please consider subscribing however you subscribe to things!

Kyle (again, I signed off once already)

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Also, at the end of this post I’m going to talk some about my new Q&A portion of the Substack. Tell me your story, give me advice, ask me questions and I’ll reply!

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted an old fashioned “Worst Advice People Have Given Me” post on here, so let’s do it!

If you’re new, welcome! I’m Kyle. I am a comedian, writer, and guy living with Trigeminal Neuralgia, a severe pain disorder that derailed my life years ago.

When you live with chronic pain, people generally want to help. It’s nice. People, for the most part, are kind, and don’t want you to be in pain. Which is nice of them. I get a lot of messages from people with thoughts, ideas, cures, alternative treatments, everything. I’m thankful for the thought, that someone would reach out with something that helped them, thinking it could also help me.

If you’ve ever posed any sort of question online before, you know how refreshing it is that 100% of the people who respond, give you wonderful, helpful information. It’s always applicable and actionable and good.

(Barely related, I have recently become aware of, and obsessed with seeing examples of the “Bean Soup Theory” which [summarized by Google] ‘an internet concept describing the tendency for people to respond to a specific topic by making it about themselves, even when it’s irrelevant’)

Anyways! On to some of the more fun advice that people have sent me as it pertains to my chronic pain. Please know, I never mean to shame people away from offering to help. But wow sometimes it’s just… something.

First of all, thank you for coming to the show! I haven’t tried purposefully staying away as long as possible in the hopes of tricking my own body into forgetting what else is going on. Gasnightlighting myself? What is the most harmful version of “Everyone pretend a toddler didn’t just hurt themselves by falling down, and maybe they won’t cry.”?

Is this the beginning of a horror movie? Pssssst…. there’s a real doctor down here (gestures to sewer grate with a clown sitting in it). I wonder if Pennywise has health insurance? I’ve lost the thread, here.

If you’re going to tell someone to use hard drugs I’m going to need at least a 50% proper spelling rate in your sentence. Or maybe they’re suggesting I watch Wonder Woman.

Couldn’t even begin to tell you what they mean by this. I’d rather someone tell me to try heroin than send a message so cryptic and vague that I stare at it for a week.

It’s always fun to go back and look at the bizarre messages and tips I get (amongst a sea of helpful, well-intended ideas). Maybe I’ll start a show where I pursue the worst possible advice. Tune into Tubi for “Have You Tried Not Having That, Actually?”

Speaking of new things starting! (Great transition, Kyle. Stellar stuff, there).

I am starting a segment here where I talk about people’s questions and thoughts on pain, life, comedy, whatever, through the lens of my experience with all of that.

SO! Action plan for you. Drop questions or thoughts in the comments, or to me somewhere on social media. DMs on Instagram, whatever. I’ll have separate posts, or parts at the end of current posts, where I address questions via audio and text. I’ll sit down with a microphone and tackle your questions and stuff like that.

Have questions now that you’d like to submit? Drop them in the comments below. Can be about anything.

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Those posts will be behind the paywall I am setting up, where if you subscribe you get that content. These text posts will remain free and open and the same! Just doing additional stuff for those. Also, if you are a subscriber to the Patreon for my podcast, Never Seen It, you’ll get the premium stuff here over there, no need to subscribe to two things.

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Thanks for being here! Excited for the new stuff and the old stuff and the third thing!

Here’s some recent photos I took. I reorganized my D&D mini figures. I failed at my first hot latte of the season. What do we see, here? A scythe? There’s Leo the cat in his massive chair.

To wind down this post, I’ll give a quick health update. Things from my cardiac-scare seem to have settled and ended up as positively as possible. Good news, there. Healing up ok. Hilariously enough, my teeth entered the fray. I had two wisdom teeth (never got them out, was told by a dentist they ‘grew in good’) crack into pieces within a couple of days of each other. One even cracked another tooth near it, and I had emergency dental surgery under some fun anesthesia. I don’t remember the whole night, I’m sure I tried and failed to make my dentist laugh. Recovery from it is ok, eating is tough, and it triggered by Trigeminal Neuralgia beyond all compare. That’s been a nightmare, ever since. The financial burden was a bit beyond what I could take on at the moment, but it is what it is, and we’ll figure it out. I am running out of body parts that can fail me.

D&D Homebrewed Item of the Day:

Pocket Hourglass: Wondrous item, uncommon

Once per long rest, you can flip this tiny hourglass (which lasts exactly ten seconds).

When you do, you may immediately re-say something you just said. Everyone within earshot remembers only the new version. If a roll is involved, you can re-roll.

That’s it, folks! I appreciate you, and you being here. Leave any questions or prompts you’d like to see in posts, in the comments below, or shoot them my way on social media.

Hope your day is as pain free as it can be.

Kyle

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It’s National Trigeminal Neuralgia Awareness Day for a few more minutes out here on the west coast. I’m about eight years into living with it. Like most days, I spent it in pain, trying to carve out a semblance of a normal life. Some days I do better than others. The pain is excruciating. It is such a terrible thing. I have spent a lot of these eight years drowning in horrible thoughts, staving off the worst as much as I can. I am almost never doing well, but I have gotten better at hiding it, pushing through it, or just sort of not-doing-well-while-doing-other-things. It is an indescribable, invisible nightmare that derailed my life. It has cost me a lot, by every definition of the word ‘cost.’ My time. Years disappear. You feel forgotten and lost and void of quality of life. Financially, I’ve spent everything I’ve ever had, in addition to the vast generosity of strangers who donated to help me out, chasing a cure, or even an occasional minute of relief. To no avail. Brain surgery didn’t work. A hundred other things haven’t worked. I have spent a lot of time wondering what you do when the worst thing that you could think of happens to you, you try everything you can to fix it, and you end up worse off than when you started.

And it hasn’t just affected me. The tendrils of this fucking thing reach out and grab everyone who I am close to, wrapping them in the changes they have to make to be around me. Chronic pain doesn’t just affect the person having it. The life adjustments that Bailey has had to have, just to be with me, are heavy, often burdensome, and incredibly unfair to ask of someone. Even typing this up while she is in the other room, I am overwhelmed with such a wide range of emotions that someone would be willing to voluntarily sign up for this.

Living with TN, I feel guilty taking up space near healthy people, dragging them down when the pain hits. It’s not fun to be around. You feel too heavy, entering a room. People want to, but don’t want to, ask about it. I haven’t been able to give a good answer to “How are you?” in nearly a decade, without lying.

So where does that leave me, with this horrible fucking thing? I’m in god awful pain nearly every day. Nothing has worked. I am tired, I am spent, I am often a husk floating around, seemingly no control. I spent nights spiraling into a quality-of-life comparative discussion with myself. How much life do you need to be able to live, to justify living your life?

At some point, in a brief moment of lucid optimism, I suppose I made a conscious effort to find out. I started just opening telling jokes about my life with Trigeminal Neuralgia, on a whim at a Boast Rattle show I was hosting. That lead to putting together an hour show about it. Which lead me to Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Which lead me to Off-Broadway in New York City.

I’ve laughed at this terrible thing with a lot of folks going through it or something similar, or who know people going through something similar. I’ve connected with people through the show, through comedy, through the internet, often becoming people’s reference of “Oh there’s a comedian with that who has a show about it” that links me up to another person suffering.

It’s a remarkable thing, the world that opened up to me when I started more publicly talking about Trigeminal Neuralgia, living with debilitating pain, and then seeing if I could laugh (and make other people laugh) at the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I never really thought of it amounting to much, I just reacted in the same way I always have, to make some jokes. I’m thankful for the relationships I’ve fostered through all of this, and the endless amount of interactions I’ve had before or after shows, or online, or however. I am forever grateful that I linked up with Pat Tomasulo and his amazing wife Amy, who has suffered with this far longer than I. They do so much to not just get the word out, but raise money to try and really figure this thing out for everyone suffering.

My life and my world are a lot different now than they were before I got Trigeminal Neuralgia. It’s kind of odd, to sit back and think about the good things that have happened because you got a horrific pain disorder that ruined your life. But I’m trying to make what good I can with it, while I’m around, and able to. I still would, though, trade the whole dang show for just a 1% chance of feeling normal again, even just a day a week. I forgot what it even feels like.

I hope you’re pain-free today, and you know that people care about you. Thanks for reading.

kyle

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Ok now for this bizarre day I had.

I’ve written before about how unfair it feels when, after spending most days dealing with my Trigeminal Neuralgia and all that it carries along with it, I experience other pain-obstacles. Unfair is the only word for it. Maybe unlucky?

I feel such little control over my wellbeing, as is. My head and my face are attacking and electrocuting me. Couldn’t the rest of my body take it easy?

Apparently not.

Saturday morning I was playing tennis, a perfect overcast morning where it feels like it could rain, but it doesn’t. No sun to battle on a serve toss, and a break from the heat. Plus, I dragged myself out of bed early on a weekend morning which basically makes me a pioneer of wellness, an instigator of my own self-care and personal betterment. Nothing could go wrong after such a decision.

After about a half hour, I started to feel a stabbing chest and back pain, both on the left side of my body. Directly at my heart. I was extremely short of breath. I sat down, the pain worsened, and I had to lay flat on the court. After a few minutes, I tried walking it off, didn’t work. It got worse, and breathing got harder, and I called it a day on the court.

The pain was so severe and so specific (my heart), that my lovely girlfriend accompanied me to a trip to the ER. She was kind enough to divert me from Urgent Care to the ER (the midwesterner in me doesn’t want to bother the ER doctors with my silly little chest pain), after pointing out that heart and chest issues will probably just lead to them carting me over there, anyways.

Chest pain and shortness of breath, and boom, you’re getting tests done in the Emergency Room. They’re doing their thing, needles in me, one in one arm for blood and one in the other to insert an IV (it was like I was being plugged into the Matrix, but with such awful insurance that it might only cover the ability to watch Matrix: Revolutions).

Then, a few minutes go by that I, quite literally, do not remember. So here’s what I’m told.

I passed out, the color left my face, then I turned complete green and started to convulse. Apparently, watching that happen to me almost lead my girlfriend to do the same (I love her solidarity with my pain, even going so far as to mimic it so I feel less alone).

If you start convulsing in the ER, the folks around you will panic and call in more folks to be around you. It’s actually an incredible way to get attention, convulsing. Much faster and more effective than “a career in standup comedy” at both “getting an audience” and “keeping that audience focused on you.”

The next thing I remember is apologizing to everyone for forgetting what they were asking me to do. “I’m sorry, what do you need from me, again?” and “I’m sorry I wasn’t listening.” were my responses to losing consciousness and minutes of my life. I could have made it easier and just said “Ope, ‘scuse me.”

After I was conscious and stable, doctors ran a bunch of tests to see what was causing the pain. An EKG, a CAT Scan, some meds, some fluids, take some blood to run some tests.

The good news was the initial reports from the tests eliminated the worst case scenario: I didn’t heart attack. It seems, based on what the doctor saw and was able to review, that it’s likely a “muscular and skeletal” issue, or the less-likely pericarditis. I can’t officially rule the latter out until doctors can spend more time reviewing my tests and blood, but the ER doctor seemed optimistic*.

*all things considered. relative to, you know, the rest of my health. something tells me having either a “muscular and skeletal” issue or pericarditis, isn’t the cure for Trigeminal Neuralgia. And you know what, I’m going to put all of my eggs in the “it’s not pericarditis, it’s whatever muscular-and-skeletal means” basket. Let’s go!

I’m home now, awaiting talks with doctors this week.

I have mixed emotions on it all. Obviously I’m not thrilled that this all happened. It feels inexplicably unfair to have Trigeminal Neuralgia attacking my brain and head, and then potentially have an issue with my heart. Brain and heart are two of my more important things, I looked it up!

It’s also difficult to not just simply… laugh at all of this. What are the fucking odds? I feel, crippling chronic pain and now debilitating chest pain, the healthiest I’ve been in years. I’m exercising, moving around, I’m active and social, and have been trying to live my life despite my chronic pain. And I suppose I’ll keep trying to, if my heart is in it, which it thankfully seems like it is!

You gotta laugh at this stuff when you can, folks.

Update: Test results have come back, and thankfully all heart/chest issues are trending in the proper direction. It seems like I avoided a heart issue, and the issue is skeletal/muscular. Good news!

Thanks to everyone who came out to the shows at High Plains Comedy Festival in Denver! My show, Boast Rattle, a Compliment Contest SOLD OUT! The show video is up on my Patreon.

Hope to see you in Kansas City on October 25!

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I am still slowly creeping towards my goal of pledges to where I will start accompanying these posts with an audio reading of them, for those folks, along with an audio podcast about life, pain, jokes, and more. I’ll take questions! Please consider pledging if you’re into that. Also, any engagement with posts helps it get to more folks! Comments, likes, any of that. Thank you.

Thank you all, again. Hope your day is going well, is pain free, and as relaxing as it can be.

Kyle

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I spent the last couple of weeks performing a run of my show “Hard to Say,” Off-Broadway at the SoHo Playhouse. I wanted to write some during the run, and use this (my main source of promotion) to potentially help get folks out to the show, but it is remarkable how every day just seems to get away from you when you travel. I am not sure I have ever relaxed. Any downtime I have ever accidentally backed my way into, I have largely spent stressing over what I have to do next, and how I could be doing more in that current moment to prepare.

One time, during a major surgery, I apparently died for eight to ten seconds (the surgeon’s words, not mine). I would imagine those eight to ten seconds were the last (and only) time I’ve ever had a vacation.

I’m already off-topic, here. The other day, Off-Broadway. Today, off-topic. That’ll do for a transition.

Last Sunday I wrapped a run of shows at the SoHo Playhouse in New York City. The same show each night, an hour and ten (or fifteen, in the case of one show) minute show of jokes and stories from my life in pain. Spending every night with strangers Off-Broadway, laughing at Trigeminal Neuralgia, and generally a lot of the worst things to ever happen to me.

A lot of this was brand new for me. I sort of dove in without knowing what to do, what to expect, or really how any of it would go. The theater world was a pretty new thing to me. (I have to endlessly shout out Kevin James Doyle and Graham Kay for their assistance with all of this, having gone through it, themselves). I didn’t have any extra cash to put towards PR, which seems to be almost a necessity these days for something like this. So I went with the flow, organized what I could, and leaned too heavily on the people I could (My girlfriend, an endless help in everything that’s ever happening to me, be it an Off-Broadway run, or just my being in horrible pain lots of days. My comedy manager, Adam, who has helped me develop this show and urged me to be ok being sincere. The lovely folks at SoHo Playhouse who have a team that help set you up for success).

The process unfolded like most of my creative endeavors do: I commit to something before I know what I’m doing, and then I hopefully figure it out before the date comes where I will be letting people down. It’s how I developed Never Seen It, Boast Rattle, a whole one-act play I had to write once, Hard to Say’s first performance, Edinburgh Fringe, and more. I wish my creativity could just rev up and go, but ultimately it needs the threat of impending failure as a jump-start.

So I showed up to the theater for the first time, the day of my opening performance, generally hoping people would also show up. How do people hear about things? How do I hear about things? Have I ever heard about a thing before? When’s the last time I went to a thing ever?

You spiral with worst case scenarios. No one will show up. You are wasting your time. You aren’t legitimate, you don’t belong, no one cares. Hell, even stuff like ‘What if you have a Trigeminal Neuralgia attack on stage and collapse and people don’t think it’s a weird avant-garde part of the show?’

The first show happened, and well, people showed up! Honestly, great. And, to my surprise, the first show may have been the lowest attended of the entire run. Momentum built, reviews came in, and the room filled. As far as the entire run, I would say my opening show was the weakest. And I am super proud of how it went! It simply took a night to get back into the groove

Eleven shows in eleven nights, a bunch of sellouts and a bunch more full rooms. Wonderful, ready to laugh, ready to listen audiences full of people from all walks of life. Word spread (word of mouth is still king!).

To my complete surprise, I opened and closed my time at The SoHo Playhouse as the top ranked show Off-Broadway in all of New York City. It still feels insane to say that.

The reviews are archived, as well!

I’m over the moon about the run. I’m exhausted, but thankful.

Rather than wax on about it all, more, I want to share some brief, stray observations from my Off-Broadway Run.

The theater scene is a whole new ecosystem. This was new to me, as a standup. The theater community is massive and there are people who simply see every single Broadway and Off-Broadway show they can. It was a unique thing, being seen by folks who are so used to more traditional theater. Which brings me to…

Theater audiences have different levels of casualness with conversational theater. Some people would come, sit right up front, and watch as though I was a television set. Other people WANTED to chat, and when the door opened for the opportunity, they were happy to walk right in. Almost everyone else fell right in the middle, and so many folks seemed thrilled at the opportunity to see a show that was stand up heavy, conversational, and in the moment.

ALSO. There was one show where people REALLY wanted to interact (re: heckle) me. And it was on a Sunday at 5pm?! Something about the crowd really just invited a back and forth, and I rolled with it well enough that I think it invited more. Here’s two clips melded together from that show, all riffs.

The crowds are here for the serious AND the funny. I never felt an issue delving into weird, serious, dark, deep, or casual topics with everyone. In fact, I think theater audiences preferred it. People love the dark jokes. If you set up proper expectations and are FUNNY (important part), they will come along for the ride. Working the show out chunk by chunk on standup comedy showcases seems to really have helped.

Older audience members will sit up front. This one might be more applicable to my show. I have a show about chronic pain, suffering from and living with it. A lot of my audience members are going through the same, in some capacity, and it’s how they found the show. Older people like to get to things on time! Or early! Which gets them seats up front.

And some folks Off-Broadway watch shows differently. There are people taking in the entirety of a performance as one whole entity. Some folks will politely watch you, and then, after you spend the entire performance worried they hated it, they’ll walk up to you and compliment you endlessly, and send people to see a future show.

And (another and) if you’re in pain, and do a comedy show about pain, some of your audience might also be in pain. Which you should keep in mind when you’re wondering if that person is zoning out in the front row, or having a Trigeminal Neuralgia flare up (it was the latter, a couple of times!). I am especially thankful to the people who came out to see the show who have extra difficulty with much of everyday life. For those of us living with chronic pain, going out is not common. To be the reason people put in an inordinate amount of effort to attend something, is a special feeling to have. That was not a cleanly written sentence but I fear if I spend too long editing I won’t ever write more.

A good tech and crew are invaluable. Having my incredible tech Mirit every night, and seeing the great folks that work at the SoHo Playhouse each and every night, alleviated stress and helped me focus on the creative of the show, which can sometimes feel difficult and rare to do.

It’s good to see friends. So many comedy friends from my time in New York came out. What a joy. I’ve lost touch with so many people over the years, it feels really good to see everyone. And thank you to everyone who shared around information on the show and helped get people’s eyes on it. I wasn’t able to take as many photos as I’d like to. I often forgot while decompressing post-show.

The show has changed so much, and probably will continue to do so. In the time I’ve done the show, it’s probably 80% different, at least, than the first performance. Segment after segment after bit after bit cut for not being funny, or being too out-of-the-story. A lot added. My life continues, and so does the story of it all, so the show will keep changing. I simply cannot fathom finishing something, and I am happy to continue evolving the show to be funnier, better, more focused (sounds like terrible Radiohead lyrics). If you came to see the show in Denver, Kansas City, Portland, Seattle, even Edinburgh, or a lot of other places, it’s MUCH different now.

I didn’t know what I was doing and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I had no clue how this all worked going in. And now that the run is over, and by most all accounts a wonderful success, I still don’t know what to do next. I suppose that’s ok.

I will keep doing the show and hope to find more people going through something tough, that may find relief or laughs in seeing the show.

Maybe another Off-Broadway run, if you all promise to come, or at least tell a friend.

What an adventure it all was.

I even got to play some tennis with some friends, which is MUCH harder in New York than it is in Los Angeles.

My head hurts pretty bad from traveling and a flare up that won’t go away. Going to rest before some shows this weekend.

Thanks for being here.

Kyle

Folks I’m in Denver THIS WEEKEND September 18-20th at the incredible High Plains Comedy Festival. You can see all of the shows I am doing, here. Including the resurrection of Boast Rattle, my competitive compliment contest show.

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I am still slowly creeping towards my goal of pledges to where I will start accompanying these posts with an audio reading of them, for those folks, along with an audio podcast about life, pain, jokes, and more. I’ll take questions! Please consider pledging if you’re into that. Also, any engagement with posts helps it get to more folks! Comments, likes, any of that. Thank you.

Thank you all, again. Hope your day is going well, is pain free, and as relaxing as it can be.

Kyle

If you’re in the area, or know anyone who is, please send them my way. Code KYLE10 will save you 10% on tickets, and if the cost is keeping you from being able to make it, please message me and we can work something out.

I am also in Denver later this month for the High Plains Comedy Festival, one of the best festivals in the country. It’s always an amazing time.

Thanks to folks who came out to the shows in Charlotte, and the Big What? Festival in Pittsboro, NC. Incredible times.

I’ve talked a bit about it on here before, but one of the less obvious, more frustrating parts of living in pain is the idea that you now inherit a new full-time job on top of your regular life. Except, unlike a regular job, you don’t get paid (in fact, you often pay! Inordinate amounts of money! You get surprisingly used to money amounts with commas in them being deducted from your life). And this new job doesn’t have regular hours, often bothering you at home and ruining your time off (ok, this sounds a bit like too many normal jobs I’ve had). It’ll wake you up when you don’t want (dang, a lot of these sound like regular jobs), and your boss (your own human body) doesn’t care if other things are slowing you down, it wants what it wants (to ruin your day) when it wants it (today).

You now have to take care of this entire new thing, on top of the general weight of being alive. We only have a limited bandwidth, and living with chronic pain stretches yours thin before you get the ability to do normal life things, or, god-forbid, something… fun.

A To-Do List becomes a Will-I-Be-Able-To List pretty quickly when your body decides it’s time to be in pain.

At the expectations of performers and artists and the like has changed in such a way that the job is no longer the same. I think about the Mitch Hedberg joke about comedians being asked what else they can do. “You’re a chef. Can you farm?”

Comedians have always delved into writing (the premise for the joke). But now, (in Mitch’s voice) “You’re a comedian, can you edit? You’re a comedian, can you understand the algorithm behind Meta’s Ad Suite?”

It’s a few more jobs, on top of your job. If you’re good enough at six or seven different specialized tech jobs, you can hope to have a nice crowd there when you show up to tell jokes. (Alternatively, you have money to hire those tech jobs. Surely I am the first person to point out how much of the entertainment industry is pay-to-play).

I suppose this is all a roundabout way to say that I am jealous of people with the bandwidth. I am envious of people not in pain. I desperately wish I could take on endeavors knowing that I won’t collapse in the middle of them. Chronic pain sucks (could be the whole sentence) away your joy, your abilities, and your autonomy. It also sucks away your time. Mundane tasks (let alone ambitious ones) will consume entire days, or weeks, until you simply give up on them. You will be constantly disappointed in yourself.

Imagine trying to build a card tower, and at any given moment someone will walk in the room and hit you (and the card tower!) with a baseball bat. Simply the expectation that someone might walk in will affect how well you build the tower. And people are counting on you to build it, you told them you would, and you don’t want to let them down.

The prep for this Off-Broadway run has been an exercise on that, over and over. With no ability or means to hire a team of people to make everything look pristine and perfect and professional, no list of magical contacts to fill rooms, I have tried to inch forward as I can, ever-aware of the guy with a baseball bat in the other room, forever jealous of people who don’t have to worry about him. And then, on top of it all, I can spend some time thinking about the show, writing jokes for it, and enjoying the time telling those jokes.

The show is a labor of love. It is always such a pleasure to perform, often for people who have their own guy with a baseball bat following them around. I’ve worked extremely hard to make it funny, wanting laughs over anything else. I’ve written so many jokes that, when I’m doing standup on a random showcase somewhere, I have no hesitation about doing a ten minute set about Trigeminal Neuralgia. I don’t know what I’m doing with lots of this (the substack included) but I do feel, if nothing else, funny on stage. Like I said, the show is a labor of love. The rest, a labor of… labor?

A couple of weeks ago I had the honor of telling jokes at The Big What? music and arts festival, put on by my good friends Big Something. I met a lot of cool people, got to tell jokes in front of a ton of folks in the lovely woods of North Carolina, and even got to get on stage and play guitar in front of those same people. I was terrified. But what a time to be alive. A bunch of days in the woods will help you get centered, I found out. Pain? Bad. Pain in the woods? Oh hey is that a new band playing go listen to them, maybe you’ll forget about the pain.

Always down for a side quest. Though the more of them I do, the more I realize it’s all main question.

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Speaking of side quests. It’s about time for another home-brewed D&D item that I wrote up. Here’s one I liked:

Backpocket Bouncer: Wondrous Item, Uncommon (requires attunement)

This tiny leather pouch has a stitched-on grumpy face and two stubby arms. When attuned and kept in your bag or pocket, it watches your back, literally.

Defensive Reaction. Once per long rest, when you are surprised, grappled, or targeted by a pickpocket attempt, the Bouncer leaps out and punches the offender. The target takes 1d4 force damage. They must succeed on a DC 13 Strength saving throw or be knocked prone

Vibe Check. Once per day, you can ask the Backpocket Bouncer to scan a creature within 10 feet. It mutters a one-word summary of their vibe (stuff like “Armed,” “Sketchy,” “Magic,” “Cool”)

I really hope to drop this little item into a campaign soon!

Thank you for being here. Hope to see you out in the world somewhere.

Reminder about my Off-Broadway run September 4-14

I am still slowly creeping towards my goal of pledges to where I will start accompanying these posts with an audio reading of them, for those folks, along with an audio podcast about life, pain, jokes, and more. I’ll take questions! Please consider pledging if you’re into that. Also, any engagement with posts helps it get to more folks! Comments, likes, any of that. Thank you.

Thank you all, again. Hope your day is going well, is pain free, and as relaxing as it can be.

Kyle

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