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Your honey deserves Oops! All Pinot.

Get a carton at the convenience store near you. Use promo code lampoon.

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Boomers are different yo.

Based upon:

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Remember to subscribe for free. It don’t cost nothin’.

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Share now. In the end, much easier to deal with than an STD.

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To be continued - unless Redban sues.

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Source: the Death By Toys catalog.

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#5 Uncle Mucus’s Oyster Shack

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#4 Daddy’s Liver & Onions Emporium

#3 Pizza Crypt

#2 Tuna Surprise Party Palace

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#1 Scab’s All-You-Can-Peel Buffet

Bonus!

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• Ford - Dudes drive a Mustang like they’re starring in a home-made knockoff of Fast & Furious 33. Usually looks like a discount Vin Diesel but smells like cheap wine and regret.

  

• Chevrolet - Chevy drivers are the guys who never left their hometown. They’re hauling a Camaro with a V8 and a dream of banging the prom queen they fumbled in ’84.

• Dodge - Dodge Charger folks are loud, proud, and have three or more names (Billy Bob Crabgrass, for example, see table below).

  

  They’ve got a Confederate flag sticker and a temper that matches their alcohol intake.

• Cadillac - Smooth-talking pimps or wannabe mobsters. These guys cruise slow, wear pinky rings, and have a trunk full of Delta-8 vapes they brought in from Jersey.

• Volkswagen - Granola chicks with hairy armpits and dudes named Sunday. Their Beetle’s got BLM stickers and smells like patchouli and stale weed.

• BMW - Snooty rich boys who think they’re James Bond but cry when they chip their nail polish. Always cutting you off while checking stock prices.

• Mercedes-Benz - Old-money geezers or their trophy wives. They drive like they own the road and tip like they’re allergic to cash.

• Toyota - Practical Asians who’ve got a Corolla packed with five cousins and a Hibachi grill. They’re weaving through traffic like it’s a geometry problem.

• Honda - Similar to Toyota, but they’re the nerdy cousin who’s still saving up for spoilers to look bad-ass at the community college garage.

• Porsche - Middle-aged dentists having a midlife crisis. They’re revving their 911 like it’s gonna make their staff forget their bald spot.

• Jaguar - British expats or guys pretending they’re British. They’ve got a tweed cap, a superiority complex, and a car that breaks down on a schedule.

• Chrysler - Blue-collar dads who chain-smoke Camels and yell at their kids in the backseat. Metallica vs AC/DC is the primary debate topic.

• Lincoln - Grandpas who drive 29 in a 55. They’re rocking aviator glasses and a fedora, muttering about how (Obama, Trump, Biden, ____) ruined the country.

• Buick - Same as Lincoln, but they’re the grandma version. She’s got a hairnet and a glovebox full of Werther’s Originals.

• Oldsmobile - The uncle who’s still bragging about his high school football days.

  

  His van’s got more rust than his pickup lines.

• Tesla - Tech-bro hippies or crypto dweebs who think they’re saving the planet while sipping kombucha. Their Model 3’s are on autopilot, but they’re still sliding into your DMs with NFT pitches.

• Subaru - Crunchy granola lesbians or flannel-wearing throwbacks. Their Outback’s got a dog in the back, a kayak on top, and a bumper sticker preaching “Coexist” while they cut you off.

• Jeep - Outdoorsy types who think they’re Mike Rowe but get winded climbing into their Wrangler. Mud on the tires, mustard on their shirt.

• Volvo - Swedish engineers or college professors with elbow patches. They drive like they’re solving world peace and — warning — they brake for squirrels.

• Alfa Romeo - Italians or wannabe Italians who think their coupe makes them look like Tom Hardy. Unfortunately the car’s in the shop more than Mrs. Bezos’ face.

Bonus Ford:

• Ford - Redneck dudes in an F-150 who think they’re Brokeback Straight Guy. Got a gun rack, a dip can, and a bumper sticker that says “My other ride’s your sister.”

Bonus Rivian:

• Rivian - Eco-warriors who are fighting back against Elon. They’re preaching about carbon footprints while charging their electric truck with coal power.

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When The New York Times asserts that your vehicle may have been "the dud of the decade", it should give you pause. Like reconsidering whether you should visit a car dealership without a parent or guardian.

Ford and Jaguar combined the beauty of the Taurus with the, uhm, price of a Jag and the result was as you would expect. Many drivers had the experience of Edmunds commenter nomorejags14 who wrote of his 2003 copy, "...after a week the radio screen stop working, not long the wheels bent (all four), the check engine light came on, cat converter 2, after replacing twice the light is still on, then all codes possibles were detected by the scanner... and no mechanic could even look at it. Last hope I took it to a expert, his first words were 'get rid of this thing'."

Good advice, Sparky.

9. The Cadillac Cavalier Cimarron

The Cimarron was called "a shameful, cynical attempt to compete against BMW" not because of the strategy, but the tactics GM employed. How would you feel driving a hyper-expensive Chevy Cavalier with all the curb appeal of a John Deere leaf-blower?

8. The Maserati LeBaron

Chrysler took the infamous K-car -- a horrifically bad product family -- and shipped it to Maserati for assembly. Why a transatlantic voyage was necessary to create a LeBaron is beyond me, but that's why I'm not a marketing genius making $500,000 a year.

It deserves special ridicule because some have called it a dual loser: both "the worst Maserati and worst Chrysler ever".

7. The Isuzu Lotus Elan

Nothing says class like an Isuzu-powered Lotus. This represented just another step on GM's road to bankruptcy: it owned Lotus and controlled Isuzu at the time.

6. Renault AMC-liance

An AMC-built Renault? What could possibly go wrong? With a hefty 60 horsepower, the body of the convertible version flexed so much, the doors wouldn't close. I'm guessing this particular unit helped destroy the Renault brand in the U.S.

5. The Saab-Subaru Saabaru

When Swedish carmaker Saab ran into problems, it found an unlikely partner in GM. Given the Detroit automaker's legendary competence, it promptly required assistance from Subaru.

Recall seeing any of these cars lately? If you have, send me a photo, 'cuz most of them are languishing in junkyards somewhere. Or being hidden in garages by owners too embarrassed to drive them.

4. The Aston Martin Toyota Scion

The legendary automotive brand was a favorite of James Bond. Let me know when a James Bond movie features the super-spy driving a $47,000 Scion.

3. The Saab-GM Sobaru

At the midpoint of Edmunds' worst cars of all-time list sits the 2006 Saab 9-7X: "The only Saab ever built in Moraine, Ohio, was a gussied-up Chevy TrailBlazer. It's definitive proof that GM's ownership of Saab was completely misbegotten."

2. The Chrysler-Mercedes Chrysedes Benz (aka, the Merchrysler)

The ill-fated 1998 merger between Daimler-Benz and Chrysler was short-lived. Of course, with its vaunted "synergies" producing love children like the Chrysler Crossfire, such an outcome could easily have been predicted. Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson once likened the rear end of the Crossfire to a "dog squatting to take a dump."

I'm no word expert, but that doesn't sound like a compliment.

1. The Ford-Nissan Mercury Pillager

Don't ask why two companies would ally to create versions of the same vehicle (e.g., the Mercury Villager and the Nissan Quest). Suffice it to say that a Harvard MBA was probably involved somewhere along the line.

The Villager, which owners fondly referred to as the Pillager, made a couple of "worst car ever" lists, which I think overstates the matter. The Villager was probably just one of the worst cars of the decade.

The reliability of a Ford Pinto combined with the styling beauty of a Jeep's miscarriage. The Tracker was guaranteed to last well over 20,000 miles of wear-and-tear, at least according to the salesguy.

AMC Pacer

Its designers were apparently envisioning a rolling aquarium, which explains its massive glass posterior. Had it not appeared in Wayne's World, most Americans would have never seen one, except decades ago on the side of the road.

Subaru Tribeca

Shockingly, naming an SUV after a plot of land in Manhattan turned out not to be one of the best business decisions ever. Its grille looked exactly like Lena Dunham's posterior after a waffle iron had been applied for 10 minutes.

AMC Gremlin

More Troll than Gremlin, this two-door station wagon had all the curb appeal of roadkill. Its delightful failure in the market played a central role in the death of its maker, AMC.

2000 Subaru Impreza

The automotive equivalent of a lime green tuxedo, the Unimpreza was -- perhaps -- the biggest buzzkill for females in the history of cars. That is, if an Impreza really was a car.

2012 Jeep Cherokee

The 2012 Cherokee's grille boldly spoke out: “My designer was smokin’ something!"

AMC Matador

The Matador was apparently designed to fulfill the need of buyers seeking a family-sized Chevy Vega. Combining the reliability of a Soviet Volga with the styling of a half-finished Dodge Challenger, the Matador had it all. If by "all" you mean "all the tools to destroy an auto maker".

Pontiac Aztek

Its costarring role in Breaking Bad saved it from permanent ignominy. This unique SUV-Crossover-Station Wagon looks like Darth Vader's stroller.

Nissan Cube

If someone tried to place a Cube in a sci-fi move, they'd get laughed off the set. It was a sixties view of a 2000 commuter car if said sixties commentator was Timothy Leary.

Pontiac Trans Sport

You didn't see many of these on the roadways for two reasons: (a) it was at least as hideous as Rosie O'Donnell without makeup; and (b) it had all of the reliability of a mechanical watch made in Beirut.

Honorable Mention: The Ford Pinto

Only about 125 people died after their vehicles blew up in collisions due to a faulty gas-tank design. So, overall, your odds were pretty good at survival. Though your odds of surviving the embarrassment of driving one weren't nearly as high.

I grew up a reader. From my earliest days, books fascinated me. My favorite topics were murder mysteries and homicide stories.

As my vocabulary grew, I began maintaining a list of words that suck. Words that I hate, because they elevate my already borderline blood pressure.

For the first time ever, The Lampoon is proud to display Aunt Yinda’s Words I Hate, it’s not only artwork - it’s also a list.

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They are — Worst Buy [tm].

Today we’re proud to showcase a preview of Worst Buy’s forthcoming 2024 product line. It’s designed by and for modern parents.

Some call them the “Tiffany’s of Toys”, others call them “Skanks Fifth Avenue”.

They are… Worst Buy [tm].

Biden: Oh hi, call me Joe. The clouds outside are extra puffy today, reminds me of my Uncle Timmy's sheep dog. How about you Jack, staying out of trouble?

Rogan: Uh, my name is Joe actually. So, how do you think you would handle an alien invasion?

Biden: You know, when I was a lifeguard in the summer of '68, Mr. O'Reilly's cows kept getting out and wandering into the community pool. We'd always gently coax them out of the water with some oats and a firm pat on the behind. So if I was faced with an alien invasion, I'd offer those little green fellows some ice cream and a nice place to sit.

Rogan: Interesting strategy. Can we pivot to domestic issues, sir? What's your plan to boost the economy?

Biden: The economy, yes good idea. I propose a nationwide bingo night to raise funds for those VHS Tape companies going under. Also, more ants. You know and I know it. It’s not racist. Ants are hard workers and we need some of that spirit in this country again.

Rogan: Ants, really? Okay, switching gears - what's your view on legalizing marijuana?

Biden: Well, back in my day we didn't call it marijuana we called it reefer. And we didn't smoke it, we ate it in our apple brown betty at the soda fountain. I think we should legalize shoe laces for all Americans. And possibly those new velcro straps too, just to boost morale.

Rogan: Reefer in apple pie, interesting. Switching gears… the border situation is controversial. Immigration and open borders?

Biden: Immigration is important for nation building, we all came here as immigrants at some point. Except for my friend Corn Pop, he was born in a bottle of bourbon. When I'm President, I'll invite all our neighbors to a good old fashioned hoedown at the White House. We'll share some cider, swap stories, and build a proper community together.

Rogan: Intriguing advice. Now, about this hoedown at the White House… what advice do you have for young people today?

Biden: My advice to youngsters is eat your vegetables, do your chores, and always lend a helping hand to those in need. And watch out for the gypsy moths, they'll steal your socks right off the clothesline!

Rogan: Fascinating. Last question, what will your last action as President be?

Biden: My final act as your President will be to redirect all the money in the federal budget to researching alternative energy sources to replace gasoline, like breeding very tiny horses or perhaps training dolphins to pull cars when they leap out of the water. The future is ours to win! Now, you'll have to excuse me, Hunter just messaged me on this WhatsApp thingie.

The Lampoon is America’s continuously operating comedy and auto parts chain of franchises. The firm is traded on the NYSE under the symbol $POON.

For more information about the organization:

Hat tip: @moritzcremb.

Enter Melissa Mainway, the beautiful and enigmatic granddaughter of the toy scion. Earlier this week, she founded a new company called Mainway Toys, which features a host of toys that are Dangerous But Safe™. These playthings, while deadly, include ironclad safety features.

The Lampoon’s Consumer Probe Division has reviewed several of these toys and have today published a few results.

Junior Chainsaw Juggler: includes three 12” chainsaws and an instructional pamphlet. Safety equipment includes bright orange helmets that cover the entire head, but also make it hard to see. Safety Rating: Orange.

Baby's First Flamethrower: Featuring easy-to-use controls and a cute design, it's the perfect way to introduce your toddlers to the dangers of fire. Safety equipment includes an asbestos vest and asbestos-lined face mask. Safety Rating: Magenta.

Electricity Education Kites: Teaches the importance of hiring an electrician for your garage rewiring project. Safety equipment includes Chuck Taylor sneakers. Safety Rating: Paisley.

The Trampoline Pogo Stick: Talk about unpredictable fun! This pogo stick is designed specifically for use on trampolines. It’s a great way for kids to experience zero gravity. Safety equipment includes a helmet and optional kneepads. Safety Rating: Gangrene.

***

While we have not reviewed all toys manufactured by the company, we believe that, despite the controversy, Mainway Toys are largely safe — and they deserve a place in your home.

Dear Fred,

Thanks for the opportunity to ghost-author this article. Please remember to delete this part.

You should have gotten the email with the $5,000 Amazon gift certificate plus a $500 gift card from Mainway Toys (bonus!).

Regards, M

Melissa Mainway

President & CEO, Mainway Toys

702 W. 144th St.

Riverdale, IL 60827

Note: Some content generated by LampoonGPT, the Lampoon’s private AI model. Click here for a tour of the Lampoon’s Secret Comedy Compound.

Source: the Death By Toys catalog.

In order, they ranked:

The Top 10 Novels About Copy-Writing

1. The Bold and The Italic

2. Pulp Diction

   

3. An Unfortunate Font

4. Apostrophe on Fire

5. Malware of Malapropism

6. Gone With The Umlaut

7. A Parenthesis Too Far

8. Sentence. Of. Death.

9. The Punhouse

10. The Sin Tax. Syntax. Get it.

There you have it. Comprehensive proof that the Lampoon’s editors are oafs and hacks.

Stay safe out there, kids.