one day im gonna die.

i hope that day comes soon.

yes , i thought about dying today. and yesterday. and last week too.

and at least once a day for the last 4-ish years.

i'm conflicted between whether i want to die or if i just want to cease to exist for a while.

i don't really know why i feel this way. it is such a dangerous , heavy feeling yet i seem to find comfort in it. comfort in knowing that i'm here for a good time , not a long time. not here to struggle , not here to suffer , just a good time. as a famous poet once said , “monate mpolaye.” i intend to have as much fun as i can until my time is done.

but to be honest , i don't even enjoy life. i might just even hate it. i dread waking up most mornings yet i still thank the Lord for new life. i think of dying so much that i can't really be present in my everyday life. i live life on semi auto pilot because as much as i'm here , i'm actually not.

but i'm still here though. living and breathing , despite it all. i'm pretty sure i have to make the best of life now. live life with less ‘ke shwa neng’ and more ‘i hope to die happy.’

i do hope to die happy.

to die knowing i lived as full a life as possible.

and i loved more than i was loved.

and i comforted more than i was comforted.

and i made everyone laugh genuinely.

and i spread as much joy as possible.

even when i felt no joy myself.

and i listened to many minutes of good music.

and i was just me.

i thought about dying today. i'm probably going to think about dying tomorrow. and the day after that too. and the cycle will continue on until my day comes.

but don't anyone worry. i've thought about this for so long , i've dwelled on every possibility. i have my funeral planned out too. everything is to go well.

this is not to say ko te polaya , no. this is just me saying that when my time comes , please know that i'll be well. i'll be a beautiful sunset for all the days.

i write all this ,

with all the love in the world ,

rocksta’.

my answer to that would be no , one is never really alone. there will always be something or someone lingering in the shadows of your space and your mind , whether you want them to or not.

but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel alone.

being alone and feeling alone are two completely different things.

i’m alone in my room most times. i’m alone on my afternoon walks. i’m alone making cereal at 2 in the morning. i’m alone when i’m basking in the morning sun ha mme.

i feel alone though in spaces where im far from being by myself.

i feel alone every time im in a big crowd of people.

i feel alone when i’m with my friends at school.

i feel alone whenever i sit for dinner with my family.

i feel alone at 2 in the morning on my bedroom floor when i think of how i’ve never really felt like i fit in anywhere. not with strangers , not even with my own people.

it’s almost as if i was meant to be alone.

maybe my purpose is to be there for everyone and when the sun sets , return to my empty corner where i have no one or nothing but me.

yes , i do enjoy being alone. i might just prefer being on my own than being with people. sometimes , i genuinely need to be alone. being alone is my escape from the world. i am , after all , the only one who truly understands me. the world will never stop turning but when i’m alone , time slows a bit and i can finally breathe.

but it also sucks. it sucks to always be by yourself. i miss out on so much of life trying to convince myself i’m better off by myself. i don’t think i can help myself though. it long stopped being a choice for me and is now just who i am.

though i fear if you don't understand my isolation , you'll never understand me. it truly is a big part of who i am. there are days where all i have is me. i've learnt to live with that. i created that system after all. the quiet yet overwhelming loneliness is the fruit of all the labour i've put into staying away from everyone until i had no one.

and nothing hurts more than being lonely. sure, i choose to be by myself but ey? it's one thing to be alone , but to be lonely? absolutely gut wrenching. most specifically at 2 in the morning when your heart feels as if it weighs more than 1000 bricks and you know you don't have anyone to call. it's just you. that's all you have. nothing more , nothing less. just you and the distance you've created between yourself and everyone around you.

so , , witse solitude neh?

my solitude has long turned into loneliness. what once used to be an gentle escape is now a monster lurking in the shadows. just when you think you're getting back into your rhythm of enjoying the calm of your own company , that aching feeling of realizing you'll always be lonely. not alone , not by yourself sometimes , just lonely comes back to haunt you.

i hope in another life , i never have to experience loneliness. i hope that being alone will be something i do to pass time rather than to survive. i hope i find a place where i always feel like i belong.

as for this life this life though? solitude seems to be what works best. i won’t ever truly be alone and i hope that someday soon , i stop feeling alone too.

shoutout to le batho ba for featuring me.🫰🏾

i don't know if i'm gonna post this but i'm writing this on a sunday. father's day sunday. another father's day without papaka. and honestly? i feel it now more than ever. well obviously but still. to date , it's been 1079 days without my dad. as the days go on further and further , all i seem to do is remember and remember and think thoughts and feel heart wrenching feelings. i can tell you all with the utmost certainty that my life would be so much better if my dad was still here. the weight of the world would not crush me as much as it does because my superman would be there to carry it with me. the guilt i have in feeling joy would not strangle me as much. the nostalgia of life would bring a happy smile rather than an aching heart.

and maybe it's a bit selfish. deep down in my heart , i know he's doing better now. the pain in my dad's eyes in his last few months far exceeds the pain in my heart the past few years. but it's also okay for a girl to wish.

i wish papaka na sa hlokafala.

a big wish , i know. ke tla reng mara? it's been so hard living without him that i wish he'd just wake up. not to go through the rest of my days with me , but just to tell me that it gets better. to tell me that he knows his princess and i will be okay. to hear that ‘i love you monkie.’ one last time. is that asking for too much? maybe. but i hope that the writers of my next life are taking notes to not do this to me again. to not take away from me the purest love i've ever known and expect me to survive the rest of my life without it. you couldn't pay me to do this again. i'd give up every single desire of my heart if it meant getting my best friend back.

ebile today worse , everyone's posting their fathers and then there is me. di father figure di teng , yes. my step-dad is holding it down tight. but the void in my heart is still there. a gaping hole echoing the truth i'll never quite come to terms with. in fact , i don't want to come to terms with it. there are so many horrible people on this planet , ba sentse ka ho nka papaka. pelo e bohloko ekare e tlo bomb'a. tears falling.*

so grief neh? what is grief if not love preserved?

grief is memory intact. to grieve is to live in the tiny comfort that one does not live life in vain because through grief, one will always be alive. papa will always live. in pictures , in memories and throwbacks , in dedications and reminders and above all , he will always live in me. in my heart , in my memory and in my life. through my writing , i'm giving way for my dad to forever be that guy. my guy. my amazingly funny , absolute smarty pants , teddy bear full of love guy. i'm giving the writers of my next life note that i want my guy to be my guy in every lifetime and every universe. i hope ba mametse. otherwise ko kwata.

nna lerato ka le rata. this is about what most would call ‘puppy love.’ if so then woof ka nnete. yes , i was young and naive but everything i felt was true and real. the concept of love was not something i had explored well but if it was anything like that period of life then love was so beautiful.

i poured out all the love in my heart into this okay? pelo yaka ne e pompa custard and all good things everyday. i really liked this boy. i adored everything about him. in my head and my heart , there was no one for me but him. oh , sthandwa sam’.

the first time i wrote a love letter was for him.

the first time i made someone a playlist was also for him.

the first time i ever cooked out of love and not habit was also for him.

the first time i told my dad about a boy was with him.

the first time i almost kissed a boy was with him too.

a lot of firsts happened with him and i'm glad they did. i'm glad i got to experience that version of him. the soft spoken , caring , witty version of him. i hope he'll forever have that version of himself in his heart. i hope he laughs more. i hope he learns that he doesn't have to be strong all the time. i hope he fulfills all his dreams. i hope he knows he saved my life.

oh , lerato laka. the love i have for will forever be etched in my heart. ‘till the end of time , i will refer to you as the love of my life. the one who adored me just for me. the one who spun my world around. my fairytale. my all and everything.

i still think about you.

i still pray for you.

i still read the letters i never got to give you.

i still listen to the songs i quietly dedicated to you.

i still hold space for you in my heart.

not because i want you back , but because no one could ever fill that space.

it is a special place that i carved just for you.

i still love you.

iloveyou with no spaces so that nothing gets in between , and the love i have for you stems from the most genuine parts of my heart. lerato laka ke le sa feleng.

so i hope you feel it. in your joy , sorrow and everything in between , i hope your heart tingles with sparks from my love for you.

i write all this ,

with love that lives beyond these words ,

rocksta’.

there’s so much to unpack with this and i don’t truly have the words to lay it all out but i am going to try. friendship neh? wow guys. in its truest form , it really is something so so beautiful that should be cherished forever. it is also the epitome of character development , especially for a young teenage girl like me. when i say i have struggled guys , i mean i have struggleddddd. at many points in my life , i have considered myself to be ‘friendless’, not because i didn’t have any friends but because i didn’t have anyone i could really call my friend. a sentence that replays on my mind a lot is , “all MY friends all have their own friends.” and the statement haunts me almost every single day. everyone i considered to be MY friend had their own personal friends which left me with no one. no one to lean on. no one to talk to. no one to call MY friend. i was just floating around from friend to friend. walking with my friend from class and when we got to the stairs , we part ways while they go on with their personal friends and i’m left behind with just me or my favorite , talking to my friend and having to step back so their personal friends can talk to them about personal friend stuff.

and again , i do have friends. my own personal friends. they just aren’t with me everyday. i don’t live with them in my daily life. i have to survive the days without them and that has proven to be difficult. high school o sena di chomi? hell. it is actually horrible. phela , these are the years where you slowly find yourself and start collecting the clay to mold yourself into the you of the future and to do that with no friends? no support system to fall back on when times get tough? it’s sad. it kinda affects your self-esteem too. you go about your days feeling unwanted and super lonely. not alone , just super lonely. because your friends are still there but they carry on with their lives while you’re just there nje. a background character in everyone’s life , perhaps even your own.

it’s gotten really bad guys. i have an “i don’t have really friends” episode where i cry to my mom at least twice a year since i started high school. my most recent one being in february this year. oh , it was horrible. i was going through a horrible time in life because of the idea of friendship and unironically enough , i didn’t have a friend to talk to it about. i remember crying at school as always and thinking , ‘i genuinely don’t think any of my friends would want to hear me out or listen to my problems’ and it hurt guys. it really did hurt. even just thinking about it? my heart is so sad. at that point , i had a lot of internal debates about the effort i out into my friendships and if it was really worth it if i felt like i was not getting the same effort back. i didn’t want to stop pouring my heart into my friends but if my cup wasn’t being refilled then point ya teng nele eng?

so i thought long and hard about it. then i realized it hurt my feelings too much so then i stopped thinking about it. but i couldn’t get rid of it. it was stuck to my everyday thought cycle. it was my reality after all. even with all these people around me , i still felt lonely. i still felt as if i had no one to fall back on. what’s the cure for that? i’m still yet to find out. as for now? the objective is to appreciate the friends i do have and try to survive life despite these feelings because life truly waits for no man or girl who lets her emotions get the best of her.

grief neh? grief is such a roller-coaster. its not just a feeling , but an experience of many different emotions all playing on loop at the exact same time. it feels like everything and nothing at the same time. something one never quite gets used to.

to date , it has been 1049 days since my dad passed. it feels weird putting a time frame on that. 1049 days. i've been in this odd stage of life for over 1000 days. i call it an odd stage because life hasn't been normal since. my biggest supporter , my favorite person in the world , the one who breathed so much life and love into me even when he was running out of air himself. my dad was the ultimate best friend. i really do believe that a father is a girl's first love because i don't think i'll ever be loved and cherished the way my father did. he moved heaven and earth for me without me having to even ask. and yes , i know these are all things a father should be doing for their children, but now that he's gone , my appreciation for him grows greater every day.

some days , i completely forget about him. he doesn't even cross my mind. that sounds wrong but some days , my mind blocks out all thoughts of grief and life seems to continue as normal. until i remember. i could be washing the dishes on a random wednesday afternoon and the thought just pops up. it usual goes something along the lines of realizing that beyond the horizon where his soul lies , he is never ever coming back. not now , not ever. that realization hits me fresh every single time. so i choose to block it out. maybe if i don't think about it then it doesn't have to be true , but the truth will always be there. papa o robetse ka kgotso and i think i disturb his peace a bit everytime i shy away from truly accepting his passing. i don't think i ever will though , the little girl in me still holds onto the hope of her biggest supporter watching her achieve her wildest dreams and holding his arms open so she can get a big hug after.

so , grief neh? it doesn't really ever go away. you just learn to live with it. you find a way to blend it into your everyday routine while learning how to not let it consume your heart whole. you learn ways to appreciate it because as hard as it is , grief is just love with nowhere to go and love with no destination resides in the depths of one's soul.

oh , i love my dad so much , i hope that never goes unsaid or unnoticed guys. i really hope he is my dad in every lifetime and every universe. and even though i have to live the rest of my life without him , i am so glad he got to live the last of his life with me.

for the sweet girl i like to think i am , i sure do hold a lot of resentment in my heart. my heart is full of words unsaid , emotions deprived of attention and hate for quite a lot of people. i don't even want to label it as hate but resentment. i resent people and their actions. i don't think i would have ever done that to you so why o etsa nna jwalo?

at the root of my resentment for people is something that consumes me far more than resentment itself : attachment. i am very aware of my attachment issues and even in my awareness , i live in that same cycle every day. in the same cycle of attaching my whole heart to someone else without even asking if they want my attachment and yet being surprised when my attachment is not reciprocated. suprised when someone is not as affected by the change in our dynamic as i am. i'm a sucker for emotional routine bandla. if we're gonna talk everyday , then let's talk everday. and when you can't talk , let me know bathong. don't just change up our routine because that's when the realization of attachment kicks in. and it hurts. it hurts to know that someone you care about doesn't care about you even half as much. and you know what? maybe i am being dramatic. maybe they do care and to them , the change in routine doesn't mean much because they know they care about you or whatever. but to me? pelo e bohloko and the only thing left is for me to hate you.

and the hate is not loud or noticeable but quiet and slowly growing. it is hate that eats at me while you continue with your life as normal. hate that weighs my heart down and challenges my sanity while you think i'm just ‘growing distant.’ slowly but surely , our routine disappears and our dynamic becomes non-existant. but i don't stop thinking about you. the resentment that resides in my heart has a place for you. a place that reminds me that had i just toned down my “too much-ness.” or given a voice to my thoughts then maybe , just maybe we would be okay.