A question a friend asked me that I can never forget.

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My friend said she’d rather relive it with the knowledge she has now. That way, she could avoid all the things that caused her pain, like those friendships, those embarrassing moments you can’t seem to get out of your mind, and most importantly, her last relationship. The relationship that left her more miserable than ever.

But I disagreed.

Despite everything that has happened to me, everything that has caused me pain, my past relationships, my past friendships, my biggest regrets, and the huge mistakes I’ve made that are too far in the past to reverse, I wouldn’t change a thing. I carry a unique piece and a lesson from each of these people and situations.

Who would I be without them?

What would be the point of living if we avoided all the experiences that balance our lives?

Without the bad, the good wouldn’t feel as fulfilling.

More importantly, I think I’ve reached a point in my own self-growth where I don’t see those situations as entirely bad anymore. I appreciate them. I’m glad they happened. I really am. Even if I wasn’t so glad when they ended.

I once heard a quote that said, “If it made you happy at the time, then it wasn’t a waste of time.” I was happy. Those moments did make me happy at one point. Just because they ended doesn’t mean I failed, and it doesn’t mean those relationships failed. It means they became another lesson, another experience added to the journal of my life.

I think it is important that we make mistakes. I think it’s important that we live through pain. That is part of why we are here. To grow, to learn, to experience things we can’t possibly understand until we’ve lived through them.

We were wired for human connection. It is almost instinctual. We find people, we love people, we build lives around people. What isn’t guaranteed, though, is how long those connections will last.

And there is a beauty I have found in that.

I watched La La Land for the first time. I expected it to be this marvelous love story with a happily ever after. But I was wrong. Mia and Sebastian do fall in love. They challenge each other, exchange worlds, and inspire each other. You'd really think they’ll end up together after all, but they don’t. A lot of people find that ending miserable. But I think the ending beautifully proves that not all human connection is meant to last.

I feel like we tend to look at relationships through this devastating angle of ending. We often remember the argument or situation that ended it all, along with what we felt then. But why should we let an ending have the power to erase all that came before it?

Mia and Seb’s story made me think about all those people who I no longer speak to but were once a huge part of my life, so much that I couldn’t imagine a future without them. Now I'm here, living it.

My best friend and I were friends for 9 years.

9 whole years of growing up together, seeing each other through all of our silly phases and still sticking around. I never questioned whether she’d be around, I just kind of assumed she would be. And she was for those 9 years, until suddenly it was over.

What a strange feeling it is to have somebody be a part of your life one day, then the next pass by each other like strangers.

And as for my other relationships, there are endings I wish had happened differently. I've regretted things I've said and done, and I'm sure they do too. But I don’t want to define these relationships by their endings; I want to define them by what they once meant to me. I want to define them by the way these people helped me grow, what they taught me, and what they left me with.

I know I can’t change how things ended, but I know that instead of holding grudges or hurting, I can recognize what a gift it is to have encountered these experiences with these people in the first place.

I think that is the pain and beauty of impermanent people. They can become such a permanent part of who you are without remaining a permanent part of your life. People change us without staying. Not every relationship is supposed to become a lifelong one.

And so I don’t want to spend my life wishing I could go back and avoid the people who hurt me. I don’t want to erase the friendships that ended or the relationships that didn’t work out. I don’t want to live a life where I already know everything.

I would rather have loved, lost, learned, and grown than have never known them at all.

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One of my favorite parts of the day is golden hour, the moment right before the sun sets. The moment it says its goodbyes for the day and tucks away into the horizon. Specifically at 7:30. Every time I look at the scenery, it brings me bursts of joy, along with sadness knowing it won’t last long.

I’ve always wondered why we find temporary things so beautiful.

We spend so much of our lives trying to hold onto things, and we want the things we love to remain exactly as they are. But knowing something won’t last is what makes us appreciate it more. I sometimes wonder if I’d still admire golden hour if it lasted forever. Would I still look outside every evening at 7:30 and feel the same excitement? Or will I wish for something more?

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When I’m with my loved ones enjoying the moment, I step out of it and see it from a distance. I take it all in because I know it’s not forever. I find sadness in the fact that it’s short-lived, yet I also somehow find peace in being able to appreciate it then and there. Most people grieve once things are gone, but not me. I do so during these little moments of sudden awareness.

I do wish some moments lasted forever, but I guess what’s magical about them is that they eventually end.

The sunset disappears every night, but that’s exactly why I look up in awe when it appears. Seasons change, holidays and birthdays aren’t every day, and people come and go.

The temporary nature of moments is what gives them meaning.

It would be such a waste to spend so much time wishing for things to last forever, only to miss the beauty of experiencing them while they do.

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This is a universal phenomenon. I don’t necessarily think it’s all bad, in fact, most of humanity’s greatest ideas came from the ambition of wanting more. If early humans stayed content with what they already had, we never would’ve progressed, and society as we know it, wouldn’t exist in its current form.

But when it comes to materialism and lifestyle, can we ever truly stay happy with what we have, or will we always want more?

I’m currently living in my dream home. My whole family is living in their dream home, yet we’re too comfortable.

But every once in a while, I think back to the crummy little apartment we lived in in Nevada that always smelled of cigars, an apartment where we never truly felt safe. Then I remember moving to California and living in someone else’s home, my entire family sharing a single room. I remember my dad struggling to pay the $500 rent despite working every day, sometimes even staying overnight in other states just to make enough money.

I remember family members making fun of my parents because of the way we lived. And I remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. And after all those years of struggle, my dad has given us the life he couldn’t before. Traveling has become ordinary when it used to be a luxury for us, living in a big home was the last thing we imagined we’d have, and frankly, I feel guilty because most of the time, I forget everything we went through to get here, and I catch myself thinking about the next house or the next big thing for us.

And that bothers me. It bothers me that it’s human nature for our satisfaction to subconsciously decrease towards things we once put on a pedestal.

So for the longest time I felt guilty that I couldn’t be grateful. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, or that I was a bad person.

But I realized that I wasn’t ungrateful, I had simply already adapted. I had to learn the hard way that being grateful isn’t permanent, and simply saying it doesn’t make you be it. It’s something we must remind ourselves to be, it’s something we have to practice.

We spend so much of our time looking toward what's next that we forget to appreciate what's already in front of us. And at the moment, it never feels like a big thing, but there truly is so much we take for granted, so much we have now that we never had before.

What a shame it is to forget it all.

The list looked something like this:

biggest fears

• being seen for who I am

• not being seen for who I am

• finding love

• not finding love

• change

• never changing

A couple of years ago I was interested in a guy who I’d seen around often, but I was extremely afraid of approaching him in fear of rejection, so I never did, and I lived with that regret. About two years later, he reached out to me to tell me that he liked me during that time and was wondering if I’d like to go out. We ended up dating. It wasn’t for long, but it was truly shocking. If he had never sent that text, I never would have known the outcome. If I had just approached him, we would have probably dated sooner.

Imagine how many times we’ve missed opportunities because we assumed it wouldn’t work out.

But that’s life, honestly. If I knew everything, what would be the point in anything?

At one point I wanted change so bad, and I ended up having it. When things didn’t turn out the way I expected, I ended up feeling like I got exactly what I wanted, but at what cost?

But the more I realize and learn, I realize that this was for the best. I’ve discovered so much about myself, and I wouldn’t go back, ever. Truly, it feels like this was exactly what I needed despite the obstacles of adapting.

The things we want the most are also what make us the most vulnerable, and that can be terrifying. It leads us to the place where desire and fear overlap. But I realized that fear and desire are inevitably intertwined. That before desire comes fear. If you don’t fear your desires, maybe you don’t really want them, because fear is only a reflection of how much something matters to us. To want something deeply is to acknowledge its power to change you, to pivot your life for the good or bad. But regardless of the outcome, strength comes when you accept that fear is a cemented road to desire

If you’ve seen Call Me by Your Name, you may know the line:

“Is it better to speak or to die?”

This is one of my favorite quotes in film history.

Staying silent is undeniably easier, but avoiding rejection or pain only pushes you further from what you want. It is so important to try, even if it doesn’t turn out how you wanted it to.

Another one of my favorites is the monologue scene with Elio and his father:

“But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything, what a waste.”

We become so afraid of pain that we stop allowing ourselves to feel. Perhaps we forget that the ability to feel is such a gift and is essential to making life meaningful.

I’m not saying differences are bad, because they aren’t. If two people were the same, they’d get bored of each other sooner or later, but there has to be something unfamiliar, something one person finds interesting about the other. One person may be quieter while the other talks more, or one is more structured while the other is a little more go-with-the-flow. Maybe one person is more emotional while the other is calmer ( you get the gist). Those kinds of differences make sense to me. But when it comes to core things, the way you see life, the things you care about, the way you think, and values and morals, similarity matters more than people like to admit.

I noticed this after talking to people who were perfectly nice, good people, but just not my people. Our conversations never really flowed naturally. We could talk, sure, but it always felt slightly forced, we never had a natural connection. And over time, I realized I rarely feel romantically drawn to people who don’t share the same depth of interests or way of viewing things that I do. Because for me, attraction has a lot to do with similarity. The people I feel connected to are usually passionate about something. They care deeply about music, art, films, books, philosophy, fashion, history, or some random niche thing they could talk about for hours. They notice things. They romanticize life a little ( like me, duh). Conversations with them flow naturally instead of being pressured.

Even style says something about a person to me, because style is one of the many ways people express themselves. So when I see someone with similar style, I notice it immediately. Usually, those small details point to compatibility. Sometimes you look at someone, and before they even speak, you feel a weird sense of familiarity and understanding, despite being strangers.

Of course, appearances alone don’t mean anything definitive. Someone can dress a certain way and still be completely different from you. But I do think people subconsciously search for themselves in others in order to feel more understood.

I think opposites can attract temporarily, but similarity is usually what creates the deeper, more permanent kind of connection.

My grandpa was a talker, he absolutely loved talking. He was a very straightforward old man but he was kind hearted. Despite not having enough money he’d always buy us things.

I remember the last day we had a conversation. He was at that stage where he needed someone to constantly take care of him, and that day I chose to be with him. We talked a lot, about everything, philosophy, history, his life when he was younger. He was very wise, and I’ll cherish that day forever.

I loved my grandpa, but I never told him i loved him. Not until he was on his deathbed, until he lay there with tubes down his throat, incapable of speaking, frustrated because we couldn’t understand him. It wasn’t until then that I sat next to his fragile emaciated body, holding his bony hand in mine, kissed him on his cold cheek, and said I love you, his face lit up, and although he couldn’t say it, I knew he loved me too. And a couple of days later, he unfortunately passed away, and I wish I’d said it sooner.

All of a sudden everyone bought him flowers, everyone missed him, everyone wanted to talk to him, and it upset me because they never did while he was still alive.

I don’t want flowers once I’m on my deathbed, nor once I’m nothing but ashes, I want them now, show me you love me now, not once it’s too late.

I don’t want you to wait until I’m gone to say I love you. I want to hear it now, while I’m alive and well, while I can thrive on those 3 little words that mean everything to me.

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Tell your loved ones you love them, tell the guy, tell the girl, tell your friends, tell your pets, tell whoever you thought about when reading this.

There is no need to wait, we are all subject to the capricious nature of time.