If you ask me which of my tattoos is my favourite, I would point you to the one on the back of my right upper arm. It is a simple line drawing of a paper plane on fire. I came up with the idea myself, and here’s why.

At the time, I was going through one of those periods of life when everything seemed to be happening all at once. There were too many things to do, too many people to respond to, too many texts, decisions and tasks requiring my immediate attention. Everything seemed urgent. And because everything was urgent, everything was important to me.

It wasn’t until later that I understood that most of the things I was panicking over were urgent, but not all of them were important, and as such, did not demand the level of restlessness I approached them with.

The distinction between the urgent and the important seems obvious now, but in reality, it was difficult for me to live by. I had been weighing the two as though they were the same measure of a thing, when they are barely related: urgency is a property of time, importance a property of consequence. However, when you are tossed into a temperamental situation/environment where everything is happening all at once, your entire life becomes an elaborate system for responding to things. That is, until you stop responding, and just start reacting.

Learning to tell a real fire from a loud one has done more for my peace of mind than any productivity philosophy I have encountered. And for years, I ended the story there, telling the tattoo’s tale at parties as a tidy parable about anxiety losing its grip on me.

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But there was a harder question waiting underneath, and it took me most of my twenties to ask it: why did I have so many fires to put out?
The honest answer is that I had arranged my life in a manner that perpetuated that reality.

All my life, I have operated in enough spaces (socially, academically, professionally) and alongside enough people to understand that one of the easiest ways to measure your value is by how much people rely on you.
Being needed is intoxicating, cause it feels good to be the person who knows, the one who can fix it. But I have begun to wonder whether it is entirely selfless; whether being needed was something that simply happened to me, or something I quietly pursued.

There is an imperceptible difference between being valuable and being indispensable. The former is a sign of capability. The latter is, at best, an illusion, and at worst, a trap.
When a system needs you too much, leaving becomes difficult, delegating harder, and rest almost impossible. It even becomes hard to grow under such circumstances (harder even to fail) because too many things have become attached to your ability to keep everything together.

It is easy to defend the old feeling as responsibility. I used to tell myself that I was simply being dependable. That I cared about the work. That I had high standards. And while some of these things might be true, none of these justifications required me to be irreplaceable.

This is one of the stranger lessons I learnt this decade: I no longer feel the need to be indispensable. It feels like an ego death, the loss of a self I spent years building. But I also want to be honest about the new feeling, because an aversion to being needed can be its own hiding place. If nobody needs me, I can stay present without bearing any load.

I can’t always tell if it’s wisdom or a quiet exit. Some days it feels like maturity. Other days, it feels like I am letting it all burn.
So here is where I have landed, for now. Perhaps one of the clearest signs that I have done my job well is that things continue to work even when I am not there. Perhaps it is building enough clarity, competence and confidence around me that eventually, people stop needing me, but still want me anyway.

The planes, I suspect, will keep catching fire. But I do not always have to be the one to put them out.

A Song for This Particular Mood

Recently, I’ve found myself in a mental space I recognise from the late 2010s. I can’t quite explain what brought me back there, but it has been familiar enough to make me reach for things I used to love.

And one of the first things I reached for was this song.
I loved it then. I’m listening to it again now. Maybe you’ll understand why.

But if you are in the mood for something more upbeat, Victony just dropped a banger of an album. You can check it out.

Until next time, take care…

Hey hey,
It’s been a while (over a year, in fact) since I last wrote to you like this. I’ve missed it.

If you’ve followed my previous musings, you know I tend to explore topics that are introspective, emotionally rooted, sometimes even sentimental. This one is different. Sharper. Less poetic, perhaps. But no less personal.

Over the past year, I’ve been living through what I can only describe as a crash course in leadership. This is the kind of leadership where you’re constantly interrogating what makes someone good at their job while exposing unchecked assumptions I’ve made about who is fit to lead. So, here goes:

I’ve come to believe (though it’s not a popular opinion) that people who have never held performance-based roles rarely make good managers. This is not because they lack intelligence or drive, but because people who hold offices in output-based roles often lack proximity to the kind of pressure that’s measured in impact not routine.

Let me explain…

In many creative and technical industries today, it is very easy to mistake a person’s output (what they produce with skill, time, and craft) for impact. Designers, engineers... These are people whose works are often measured in aesthetic coherence or usability heuristics; metrics that, while important, rarely carry commercial consequence.

Over time, this distorts their understanding of what performance actually means. It becomes less about consequence and more about craft. Less about what the work achieves, and more about how beautifully it was done. But good work does not always pass the effectiveness test, and that makes all the difference when they are asked to lead.

There are moments that reveal this gap. An instance would be a case where a tactic aimed at driving impact is dismissed as noisy, or is deemed jarring. For creatives whose instincts have been shaped by symmetry, as opposed to stakes, it is normal to think performance is about perfection. That clarity always beats urgency. But those of us who’ve had to chase numbers know better. We’ve seen messier things work. Sometimes too well. We’ve watched campaigns that broke every rule still break records. And that’s when you learn: beauty doesn’t always move the needle. But friction sometimes does. What is noise to an output-based thinker, is music to a performance manager.

Leadership, in performance-based roles - sales, growth, performance marketing, even fundraising, is a contact sport. Every decision carries a weight. The numbers either go up or down. You don’t get to hide behind process or potential. You move the needle, or you don’t. The pressure is unrelenting, and the scoreboard is always on. And most importantly, it is rarely pretty.

If you’ve never lived in that kind of world… where effort isn’t enough, and where even great ideas mean nothing without traction, it’s hard to understand the texture of true accountability. It’s hard to manage people whose daily survival depends on outcomes, when your own work has never had to dance to that kind of music.

I’ve seen it happen, more times than I care to count. A brilliant product designer now head of growth. A respected engineer leading a revops team. Their vision is compelling with impeccable decks, but they end up leading like naive craftspeople. They measure progress in iterations, chasing aesthetic harmonies devoid of conversions. And when they fail, they write retrospectives instead of recovery plans.

The problem isn’t their talent. It’s their calibration.

Performance-based professionals are forced to develop a set of instincts that don’t always show up in resumes: how to pivot when targets are missed, how to motivate a team with declining numbers, how to spot vanity metrics before they tank a campaign. These instincts are hard-won, forged in boardrooms, and honed through failure. Without them, leadership can feel theoretical: beautiful, but brittle.

Output is not the enemy. But output, without outcome, can create a dangerous illusion: that all forms of work are equally transferable to leadership. They are not.

Of course, you could argue this is too reductive. That good management is about empathy, vision, collaboration. And you’d be right. But empathy without urgency is indulgence. Vision without pressure is fantasy. Collaboration without performance is just a well-catered meeting.

So what happens when someone from an output-first discipline steps into a role that demands performance? Sometimes, they rise. They adapt. They learn the rhythms of the game. But too often, they flounder because they’ve never been forced to contend with what it means to be measured. They’ve never had to tie their worth to a number. They’ve never had to explain, week after week, why the growth chart still slopes down.

Perhaps this is why the best managers I know, regardless of domain have, at some point in their careers, been on the hook for results. They’ve had skin in the game. Their bonuses depended on it. Their jobs were threatened by it. Their pride was shaped by it. What I find is that they lead a rare kind of clarity, one shaped by the image of consequence. And that, in the end, is what separates leadership from logistics. Cause in the world of performance, outcomes are the only thing that matters.

“They gave each other a smile with a future in it.”
— Ring Lardner.

It happens a lot.
You see a person. Your brain chemistries synchronize in a way that triggers in you both the will to present yourselves as a willing and able mate. A relationship is formed. It is fueled by idealized fantasy. The thrills and cravings wane and you are left mourning the illusion of perfection you had projected onto the relationship. You see another person.

THE MENTAL STATE OF LOVE: A SCIENCE LESSON 🔬

How we approach love is odd, and there is a reason for that. You see that warm yet intense feeling you get about someone? Yes, the one that inspires a million ballads.
Well, it is the manifestation of chemical activities in your brain that seek to explore the depths of your desire. So, while it is true that the feeling is fostered primarily by an urge to mate/fuck, it is a combination of three feelings: Lust + Attraction + Attachment.

The Chemistry of Captivation

The initial stages of love are characterized by a surge of hormones contributing to the exhilarating feelings of infatuation. Dopamine, the brain's reward chemical, fuels the excitement and anticipation we experience when we're attracted to someone. Oxytocin, the "love hormone," promotes bonding, attachment, and trust, creating a sense of intimacy and connection. Phenylethylamine (PEA), a mood-enhancing compound, contributes to the euphoric and energized feelings associated with new love.
Things quickly get dark when you realize that the set of hormones that represent these feelings is the same set that is responsible for addiction. In fact, the same brain regions that light up when we’re feeling attraction light up when drug addicts take cocaine and when we binge eat sweets. Likewise, Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for bonding, is the hormone behind the feel-good effects that drugs like MDMA produce. And finally, testosterone and estrogen, the sex drive hormones, have been known to trigger the social conductions we know as mating behaviour.

From this, it is easy to see why we often display poor judgment when we’re in love. The intoxicating highs of infatuation and intense connection rest upon a fragile foundation of fantasy, susceptible to crumbling under the weight of reality. As we grow attached to our lovers, we literally become people whose desire for love takes us down the road of addiction where we go into withdrawal whenever we are starved of their presence, and experience a surge of emotions that is in many ways irrational, like jealousy and obsession.

THE CONDITIONS FOR LOVE

The prevailing definition of love characterizes it as a social service marked by expectations of who a romantic partner should be - your best friend, your most frequently texted contact, your most satisfying bedmate, your cuddle buddy, your organ donor, and many of these attachment cues are treated as non-negotiables. However, I believe that a relationship's ultimate value can be discovered early if you are sensitive to the aspects of love we focus our evaluative judgements on. It transcends being merely a mere label for a partner who serves specific functions, evolving into a profound bond where both parties contribute to each other's well-being. This means assessing traits that speak to their individualism. Unfortunately, this assessment often happens after attraction has been established.

At school, we are taught about necessity and sufficiency. Necessary conditions are events that have to occur for an outcome to be confirmed, while sufficient conditions are events that guarantee an outcome’s validity. E.g. Comprehension is a necessary condition for academic prowess, while your test scores act as a sufficient condition. When we set this model against the existing structure we have laid out for love today, we find that we treat the feelings of lust, attraction, and attachment as necessities, which sorta makes sense when you consider that these conditions are primal markers for considering a mate. And with chemical facilitators present to reinforce these feelings, it is understandable why these feelings grow into convictions.
However, in embracing our feelings as necessities, we create a blind spot for whatever evaluative judgements we make.

THE TRUE NATURE OF LOVE

Human nature plays a peculiar role in our quest for love. We possess an innate inclination to cast a warm light on those we admire. Our fondness often leads to an unconscious habit of idealizing our partners, painting them in hues brighter than reality, obscuring their complexities and imperfections. In our quest for love, we become master storytellers, weaving narratives of our partners that fit the script of our dreams, blurring the line between reality and the tales we tell ourselves.

Love, in its truest form, evolves beyond these initial feelings into a complex and nuanced narrative, where compatibility, mutual respect, and shared values come into play. It is not merely about finding someone who meets a checklist of prerequisites but discovering a fellow traveller with whom the journey becomes more profound and enriching. It's a bond where both individuals complement each other's lives and grow together, where mutual support and understanding form the cornerstone.

Understanding the intricacies of love means integrating this scientific awareness into our romantic endeavours. Acknowledge the chemistry, and revel in the initial feelings, but understand their transient nature. Instead, focus on the long-term aspects that truly sustain a partnership—compatibility, shared values, and mutual understanding.

By amalgamating the thrill of emotions with a deliberate evaluation of compatibility and shared goals, we can take responsibility for our expectations and allow the other to approach us as they are without the disadvantage of competing against a fantasy.

-
PS: It is important to note that this recalibration of our perception of love isn't a dismissal of its enchantment; it's a redefinition - a call to navigate affection with greater clarity by prioritizing depth and authenticity alone, while the transient allure of lust, attraction, and attachment remains, acting as a marker for sufficiency.

Also, the irony of a chronically single, staunchly non-committal lass writing about navigating love isn't lost on me, so consider this a caveat. My words don't guarantee finding love, but they could increase your chances of finding satisfaction within it.

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RECOMMENDATION OF THE MONTH: Sexploits Pod (Cumming Soon)

Bedside stories and the cultures that frame them...

A podcast that delves deep into the intricate and fascinating world of human sexuality across diverse cultures and societies. Sexploits seeks to shed light on the richness and complexity of this universal aspect of humanity, celebrating its beauty and addressing the taboos that surround it. Through enlightening interviews, captivating stories, and insightful research, it aims to foster a safe and inclusive space where listeners can explore, learn, and appreciate the diverse perspectives and experiences that shape our understanding of sex and intimacy.

For more info, check this out.

But as time has dragged on and life struggles to meet up, I find myself drawn more and more to the enigmatic beauty of companionship. As someone who struggles with establishing relationships of every kind, this facet of humanity is one that instils in me a longing for fellowship without the complexities that seem to always haunt it.
This is not to say that I have no friends. I am blessed with the ability to connect with just about anybody but cursed with the inability to be vulnerable with anybody who isn’t me.

As Audre Lorde says, the visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength. By that logic, all the motions I suffer — the intense jonesing for community, feelings of inadequacy, of yearning, struggle and defeat - are all side effects brought upon partly by a lack of companionship. And I know this to be true because in the rare moments when I open up (oftentimes triggered by inebriation), I feel less emotionally constipated.

In a world that often celebrates extroversion, I have learned to play the part exceptionally well. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others; I do. As a compartmentalist, I tailor certain aspects of my personality to specific environments. But my struggle lies in allowing people to see the unfiltered, unedited version of myself, flaws and all. This, I understand now, is the essence of true companionship - a vulnerability that transcends superficial interactions.

Growing up, it seemed simpler. Two people come together and enjoy each other's company. They share their thoughts and feelings, their hopes and dreams, their joys and sorrows. They support each other through thick and thin. But as an adult looking from the outside in, it strikes me as a refuge from the loneliness and isolation that can be all too consuming. It is a source of strength and support, a place where one can truly be without judgment.

However, between all of the cosiness lies a strict social contract defined by loyalty and driven by the role of each individual within the relationship (platonic, romantic, familial). This social contract entails a delicate balance of give and take, trust and openness. It's a pact that requires us to open ourselves up to the possibility of pain and disappointment, in exchange for the potential of profound connection and understanding. For those of us who have struggled with this level of vulnerability, it can feel like walking on a tightrope without a safety net.

Audre Lorde's wisdom continues to resonate, reminding me that the visibility which terrifies us, the act of revealing our innermost selves, is also the wellspring of our greatest strength. It's the paradox of human connection – that by exposing our vulnerabilities, we invite the possibility of genuine companionship, the kind that goes beyond the surface and dives deep into the core of our being.

In my own journey, I've come to realize that true companionship is not about keeping up the act. It's about finding the courage to shed those protective layers and reveal my authentic self. It's about allowing others to see my flaws, my insecurities, and my fears, knowing that in doing so, I create a space for them to do the same.

As I stand at the intersection of my longing for companionship and my fear of vulnerability, I know that I must choose courage. I must choose to embrace my flaws and insecurities in the open and to trust that the right people will love and accept me for who I am. And to those who have been doing this so far (looking at you, Chizi, Oyinda, and Tobi)… Thank you!

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What’s been going on with me?

In the spirit of vulnerability…

Health
I’m good, and I mean good in the way that signals a helpless acceptance of my reality. In reality, I am tired on every level. If life is a melody, mine’s out of tune.

As is reflected in recent articles, I thought it was just a response to the social climate. But the last few months have revealed that my discomfort, although facilitated by the social climate, is hormonal. I recently got diagnosed with a condition that explained the expression of physical and emotional factors that I have been struggling with for the last 8 years as symptoms including the headaches, menstrual, and weight issues that many of you are aware of.

Trying to be vulnerable here, but this is actually as much as I am comfortable with sharing right now.

Anyway, I have begun treatment, and I have to say: it sucks. Not only is it really expensive, the side effects are really intense.
On the bright side, I have an explanation for the headaches and the shitty reality I have been battling. I only wish we had gotten here before I cut my hair.

But hey, I’m relieved now that I can justify my feelings. Now, I can forgive myself for the neverending lows. I have also seen an opportunity to dabble in medical research and I am seizing it. It helps to know what exactly is going on in my body and how these activities affect my body and behaviour.

R.I.P Mohbad
I still am unable to deal with the fact that he is gone. A part of me is hoping he faked his death to escape. He was one artist that I would often quote to anyone who cared to listen and I would even go on to argue that he was one of the few valid shepeteri poets we have around. I hate that he had to endure life despite his constant trying to escape. It hurts that he isn’t around to see that he is loved. I hate that we waited until now to stand up for him.

Incoming: A podcast
Stay tuned… ;)

I want to leave you with a quote that encapsulates the essence of this journey:

"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." – Brené Brown.

Hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t worry about me, I still smile every day. It’s all moving, even when it slows. I’ve realised that there is a self to recover, and am doing what I can to achieve that.

Wish me luck!

Recently, I have been focused on building better interpersonal habits. I worked up a system that allows me to build relationships without worrying about leaving my house. I now have a few friends that I call at intervals, friends that I text from time to time, friends that I watch movies with, and now I am currently searching for someone to play online games with - options are Scrabble, Ludo, and CoWordle (all of which I, at varying degrees, suck at).
If you are familiar with me and believe that we would make excellent virtual friends, then this is a favourable starting point.

I have been calmer too, despite things not necessarily improving. It has a lot to do with my recent decision to reject anything that poses a risk to my sanity, even if it means sacrificing potential future happiness. Been at this since 2019, but it took until 2021 to see any progress. I will be honest though… I am enjoying it.

So much stillness.

There is a bit to be anxious about, but a lack of emotional connection means there is space to breathe. I sometimes feel removed from the larger reality, but I still am able to safely navigate the parts of my life that demand productivity. I think it is a healthy balance.

Let me just clarify that my words aren’t meant to undermine happiness. But let’s be honest, happiness is quite expensive. It is a cause that relies on the sufficiency of self, and I personally am only getting to satisfy the necessary conditions of what it means to be well-adjusted.

Am I concerned about the implications of this phase on my personality?
Well, I have been finding myself getting less and less excited by anything or anyone. Conversations now feel topical. Relationships are hard to foster but easier to maintain.

However, I choose this path over the agonizing pursuit of happiness; an endeavour for which I am ill-prepared. While I desire happiness, I will acknowledge that it is a venture I presently lack the resources to undertake.

What is happening now is that I am rebuilding myself in a way that is at least satisfying in many ways and pleasurable in others. This way, even if I never accumulate sufficient emotional wealth to attain happiness, I will eventually find solace within myself. Cause if there's one valuable lesson this new reality has taught me, it's that inner peace is a more affordable commodity.

SONG OF THE MONTH:

Mr. Rager - Kid Cudi.

Intelligence is one trait that defines us as a species, and given the comparative nature of this characteristic, it makes sense that it is the one ‘inherent’ trait we possess that commands respect. But we cannot always count on the intelligent to make the right choices when it comes to taking a stance. So, what exactly is the problem? And is there a solution?

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WHAT I HAVE BEEN READING

• At Day’s Close: Night in Times Past (By A. Roger Ekirch) - 531 Pages.

  Genre - Social History

  Historian A. Roger Ekirch examines the history of nocturnal activity in society in Western Europe, from Scandinavia to the Mediterranean, before the advent of the Industrial Revolution. Ekirch describes how nighttime embodied a distinct culture, with many of its own customs and rituals.

• Does it Fart? The Definitive Guide to Animal Flatulence (By Nick Caruso & Dani Rabaiotti) - 145 Pages.

  Genre - Animal Biology

  At the beginning of 2017, an innocent question on Twitter about snakes formed the hashtag #doesitfart and spread pungently across the internet - and major newspapers - as dozens of experts weighed in on which animals do and don't fart, and if they do, how much, how often, what it's made of, what it smells like, and what it's for.

• The Lion in the Living Room: How Cats Tamed Us and Took Over the World (By Abigail Tucker) - 247 Pages.

  Genre - Evolutionary Biology

  Abigail Tucker travels through world history, natural science, and pop culture to meet breeders, activists, and scientists who’ve dedicated their lives to cats. She treks through the Floridian wilderness in search of house cats-turned-hunters on the loose, and hangs out with Lil Bub, one of the world’s biggest celebrities—who just happens to be a cat.

• Man the Hunted: Primates, Predators, and Human Evolution (By Donna Hart and Robert W. Sussman) - 376 Pages.

  Genre - Paleontology

  Although “Man the Hunter” is a popular description of our ancestry, the central importance of hunting is firmly fixed only in the archaeological record of relatively recent human history. This book argues that primates, including the earliest members of the human family, evolved as the prey of any number of predators, including wild cats and dogs, hyenas, snakes, and even birds of prey.

• The Aptness of Anger (Academic Paper by Amia Srinivasan) - 24 Pages.

  Genre - Philosophy
  Read Here

• The Contemporary Theory of Metaphor (Academic Paper by George Lakoff) - 26 Pages.

  Genre - Philosophy

  Read Here.

  ---

ANECKDOTE

Every month I'll update you with previews, anecdotes, profiles and insights from the library of science, history, and arts.
Think of it as your knowledge-seeking compass.

Aneckdote - Subscribe

SONG OF THE MONTH

To the Forager - Tom Rosenthal

But this isn’t an isolated incident. Recently, I have been relating less and less to reality - my reality even. How did it happen?

It’s not entirely clear when it started, but I grew up a compartmentalist. It was the only way I could deal with the many sides of me; by finding environments that could cater to each facet.
The result? There exists a different Ifedolapo depending on where you find her. The Ifedolapo on Twitter is different from Ife on Instagram or Dolapo at home.
The only problem is that I never know how to handle crossovers. If someone in my Twitter world suddenly came to my doorstep, I wouldn’t know how to act.

I’ll admit that it helped; by compartmentalizing, I am able to deal with each social identity in a context-dependent way that helps with setting boundaries and curating my reputation.

But as I try to navigate adulthood, certain circumstances have influenced this structure. And in trying to preserve myself from overwhelming or overstimulating situations, I had to remove myself from certain environments - environments that fueled certain personas.

As an example, here are a couple of words I muted permanently on Twitter - Nigeria, Asiwaju, Tinubu, BBNaija, Sanwo-Olu, Chibok, Buhari, Boko Haram, UGM, EndSARS, and every football club I come across.
But it is not enough that I never have to deal with these topics when I’m doom-scrolling. Cause even though I am desensitized to many of these circumstances, the space is tainted with memories so I get triggered by the faintest reminder. It ruins the experience, yunno?

Soon enough, I became a spectator to a lot of experiences including mine. I did not notice this until the day I had to narrate my day to a friend. It wasn’t until he responded “Oh damn! So, the day is just not going your way” that I realised I was having a terrible day. I had not given myself the opportunity to deal with all the mishaps of the day. I was at the centre of the day’s experience but I couldn’t even relate to it as a protagonist.
Even now, I’m fine, which used to be a way of carrying along the conversation, but now is a euphemism for “I don’t know…”

And it’s fine if this was all I had to deal with, but the Lagos-Ibadan expressway thing happened and I did not call my dad to ask how he was doing since he spends at least 6 hours of every day navigating the road.

I know that my position on the muted words/discussions/environments might never change, but I think I owe it to myself and those I care about to follow up and be there when these situations begin influencing their lives.
Where to begin tho; I do not know, but I do miss experiencing life in all her colours.

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PS: I am starting another newsletter - Aneckdote. Many of you might recognise the name, but this time, it is not a book club. Sorry!
Every month or fortnight (we’ll figure it out), I will be sharing knowledge on the randomest shit - just like I do on Twitter, but with more detail and structure.

If this is something you’re into - you can subscribe below.

ANECKDOTE - Subscribe

SONG OF THE MONTH:

Hey!

Another month is behind us. I want to say so much about the many things that have happened this year, but I’ll save them (for another time perhaps).

So, I’m 25 (26 in the later days of November), currently beginning my transition from young adulthood into becoming a grown-ass adult, and I hate it. I feel like the best I can ever be (be successful) is the second-best thing I really want to be, which is finding satisfaction and happiness in doing as little work as possible. Unfortunately, my reality may never accommodate that.

So yeah, that leaves me here - in my room alone, using the little energy I have left (after pursuing success) to write the things I want to talk about, but that’s by the way…

This month, I want to write about loneliness. This is something I deal with a lot. I think it is because of how much time I spend in solitude. Growing up, I was conditioned to that life. I spent a large part of my childhood witnessing the world from within; so much that even when I was made to live in a communal environment, where the closest space to home did not afford me the luxury of solitude, I still experienced the world as a spectator.

Now, this is not to say that I do not appreciate solitude. If I am honest, I love it so much. There is a refreshing freedom to it. Solitude creates a space for self-exploration that is free of external influence. It offers me clarity and fuels my creativity. It gives me the time and space to be a better me. But there is this innate extroverted side of me that I need to fuel often.

On the other side of this coin lies loneliness. Solitude needs intention and activity to be favourable, but then there’s the possibility that loneliness creeps in; almost like a side effect.
I kept looking for a relatable definition for this feeling; all I could find felt inadequate (I am forced to say useless). So, I decided to use the one that logically describes how it feels.

Loneliness • noun

/ˈləʊn.li.nəs/
A self-sympathetic response to feelings of isolation, often accompanied with a sense of rejection, and associated with a loss of connection and belonging.

Source: Ifedolapo Oseni.

When we feel lonely, we indirectly grieve the loss (or lack of) connection to a space or relationship that necessitates our mental well-being. At the heart of this feeling is a yearning for connection. Because who we are is an amalgamation of experiences influenced by self and the community in which we operate within, there is a need to nurture our relationship with the world to feel whole. It’s why ratio stings and shunning or exiling people produces devastating consequences. It’s also why we get concerned when our loved ones begin to withdraw. We recognise how much our connections help in defining who we are.

It enrages me that many materials regard loneliness as an isolation problem, but it is in fact a connection problem. Cause if it was purely isolation, social contact would take of it. Instead, they provide an opportunity to create and foster relationships. The interactions are necessary to foster relationships, but they are not sufficient. In fact, loneliness when exposed to a social environment invokes a feeling of insecurity. And even worse is the fact that certain realities make it almost impossible for connection to happen in certain facets.

It is normal to feel ashamed of your loneliness. It points to social ineptitude, which causes you to spiral deeper and deeper away from the connection that you need to heal.
You feel abandoned. The world left you behind, forcing you to deal with your problems on your own. Soon enough, you start believing that you are the problem; maybe you are unlikeable. It would make sense since you are the common denominator, but it doesn’t work that way. Relationships aren’t so linear. Many reasons and circumstances determine the degree to which they are formed.

I have always believed connection to self is necessary to establish a connection to the world without. In dealing with loneliness, there is a need to redefine what connections mean to you as a social animal. This presents an opportunity to recentre your worth in the web of connections that you weave with the world1. Build meaningful relationships in a way and pace that is comfortable and natural to you.

This will not be possible if you don’t take the time to connect with yourself and acknowledge your worth. Do what you love and explore the limits of your humanity.
Not only would this help you see the value you can offer to the world, but it would also reveal the truth that eludes you, that you, as an entity, are enough!

SONG OF THE MONTH: Dance To This ft. Ariana Grande - Troye Sivan.

PS: It was raining heavily so enjoy the shower sounds in the background.

Notes:

• Sid the Sloth, Ice Age.

• The tweet that started it all:

• Sloths! - William Hartston.

• Will Insects Inherit the Earth? - The Infinite Monkey Cage.

• The Umwelt Theory:

  “At around the same time, Jakob von Uexküll, a German biologist, drew attention to the animal point of view, calling it its Umwelt. To illustrate this new concept (Ger man for the "surrounding world"), Uexküll took us on a stroll through various worlds. Each organism senses the environment in its own way, he said. The eyeless tick climbs onto a grass stem to await the smell of butyric acid emanating from mammalian skin. Since experiments have shown that this arachnid can go for eighteen years without food, the tick has ample time to meet a mammal, drop onto her victim, and gorge herself on warm blood. Afterward she is ready to lay her eggs and die. Can we understand the tick's Umwelt? It seems incredibly impoverished compared to ours, but Uexküll saw its simplicity as a strength: her goal is well defined, and she encounters few distractions.

  Uexküll reviewed other examples, showing that a single environment offers hundreds of realities peculiar to each species. Umwelt is quite dif ferent from the notion of ecological niche, which concerns the habitat that an organism needs for survival. Instead, Umwelt stresses an organism's self-centered, subjective world, which represents only a small tranche of all available worlds. According to Uexküll, the various tranches are "not comprehended and never discernible" to all the species that construct them. Some animals perceive ultraviolet light, for example, while oth ers live in a world of smells or, like the star-nosed mole, feel their way around underground. Some sit on the branches of an oak, and others live underneath its bark, while a fox family digs a lair among its roots. Each perceives the same tree differently.”

  - Are We Smart Enough To Know How Smart Animals Are? - Frans De Waal.

SONG OF THE MONTH: Chicago - Sufjan Stevens.

I will start this article by admitting that I have a values problem. Defining them is something I have always struggled with.
To my credit though, I am good at applying them when they are tested in real-world scenarios, but it still bugs me that I cannot precisely define them.

If you are an avid Twitter user like me, you definitely would relate to the increasing demand for righteousness; a demand driven by sociopolitical conversations. These conversations are fun up until the moment they become exhausting.

I always try to stand for something, but in a space where arbitrary discussions are given the same level of engagement and intensity in the name of reform, defining my values is almost pointless especially after I realised how polarising these arguments quickly become.

Life is messy and complex, and we can hardly apply our values without needing depth and context. Even messier is the fact that applying them might not always produce the best outcome, and that might put us in situations where they clash. E.g. Discipline and Kindness are often on opposing sides of situations that demand retribution.

Values need to be tested to be awarded any validity. And this is where the struggle comes in: If trying to optimise for the best outcome means I have to scrutinise my value, can I really say I stand for something especially if I decide against it?
But I am aware that in disregarding realistic factors for the sake of righteous justifications, values quickly become unyielding causes for harm.

So, how am I supposed to define my values in the face of this reality?

SONG OF THE MONTH: Long Time Coming - The Odd 910

Success isn’t exactly easy to come by yet we spend our whole lives pining for it. And we are not left with much of a choice; the alternative means leaving the outcome of our lives to chance, which could get ugly quickly. It’s bad enough that so much of our lives are defined by factors beyond our control; it only makes sense that we do as much as we can to ensure our happiness.

Growing up, I lived in the constant fear of failing. This was following an incident where I was flogged for coming in 3rd in the entire class. Everyone I knew expected academic excellence from me, even to the point of assuming it. So when I started struggling, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.

I knew it wasn’t healthy yet I let this atychiphobic behaviour dictate every aspect of my life. I did not take exams if I wasn’t sure I would pass the course. I wouldn’t bother applying for positions if it seemed like a high-stakes opportunity. I still do not play multiplayer games or anything that comes with a timer. If I wasn’t guaranteed success upon exploration, I did not bother engaging.
And I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes either - even when I caught them in time, I’d still be furious with myself.

So for most of my adulthood, I was operating in that space where mediocrity meets comfort. If bare minimum meant that I wasn’t going to be under any pressure, I was more than happy to do just that. Because of this, I wasn’t able to truly estimate the value of my contributions.

I recall an incident where an unsolicited advise made me realise I was undervaluing myself. After stating what felt like a ridiculous rate for a gig, I got a DM telling me that I should have charged at least double the amount. This prompted to do a little research. It was the moment I realised just how little I expected from myself.

All that purposeless meandering came to a head when I decided to switch jobs. A friend of mine advised that I applied to Google even when it was well established that I wouldn’t get in. I initially hesitated but the conversation that ensued made me realise that by not creating space for failure, I took away any chances I had at success.

Since then, I have been creating space for Inadequacy. I stopped cussing myself out when solving puzzles. I overcame my fear of fallibility and started posting my articles anyway. I applied for jobs I wanted regardless of how suited I was.

Finally, I was growing. Not necessarily because I was failing, but because I was doing. I realise that my dedication to not making mistakes robbed me of the opportunity to succeed and, in cases where I failed, the clarity I needed to objectively move forward.

Recently, I found myself paralysed with the same fear. I stopped doing any learning, writing, only reserving energy for whatever ventures made me money. But whenever I look at the inactivity, I am saddened.

I hate that I have only published one article this year. I hate that I took too much of a break with my courses. I realise that the embarrassment I encounter in the face of failure is nothing compared to the regret of inactivity.

Even now, I am not exactly sure what I am doing, but not doing it feels worse. I am ready to begin again and even if I fail again, I know there is still something to gain at the end.

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This is for Seyi and Allen. Thanks for making me want more for myself. ❤️

SONG OF THE MONTH: Oakland - RAC ft. Winnetka Bowling League

The idea for this article first struck me last September following a conversation with my mother about misinformation and its consequences. The motivation to write did not hit until today after reflecting on the recent Ukraine-Russia conflict and how rapidly information is being dispersed.

One of my favourite things about this era is how much information we have access to. It’s amazing because this accessibility is what fosters curiosity, and that in turn encourages learning and un/relearning.

In spite of this, we still struggle with misinformation. Although we aren't necessarily to blame, I am left to wonder why we often fall prey to this social endemic.

Why are we so gullible when it comes to misinformation?

I don't know if this article explains why, but I gave it a lot of thought, and this is what I could infer…

Why is the truth such a bummer?

Unfortunately, the truth is ugly because, by definition, it is what is. There is little chance to be creative when it comes to truth. Lies, however, get to be as easy, as simple, and as interesting as they like.

What dictates our decision to share information has very little to do with how true it is (not saying that we knowingly spread lies), but rather how compelling it is. We’d rather listen to fun facts than consume articles that detail the same information at length. We prefer juicy and astonishing stories - so much that we established fiction as a genre of literature. Sensationalism is just easier when you don’t have to bother with the facts.

This does not mean that the truth can’t be interesting (sometimes even more than any lie), but most of the time, it is not. The truth is oftentimes laden with grey areas and nuances, so it is often harder to consume. Seeking truth is actually hard work. It takes a while to arrive at it, and many of us are not invested enough to put in the work.

So, what now?

Tbh, I do not know how best we can combat misinformation, but I do think that better storytelling will do us a lot of good.

In trying to make the truth more compelling, a lot of details are often reviewed and fine-tuned. At the end, we are left with a misdirected narrative, kinda like those books that are made into movies.

We should find ways to present the truth in a compelling way; find ways to communicate and convince our audiences using approaches they are most comfortable with, without editing or spinning the facts.

And as consumers of information, we need to set better expectations whenever we are met with new information. We need to be critical of what we read/hear. Ask questions and demand evidence before arriving at conclusions. Do NOT leave anything to assumption.

I honestly do not think that we can ever rid society of misinformation, but I am convinced that if we can build a habit of truth seeking and storytelling, the truth might just win!

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SONG OF THE MONTH: Asa - Good Times, The Cavemen.

Tbh, I have nothing particularly insightful to share. I don’t know if it’s the mundaneness of 2021, or maybe I’m just tired from the stress of househunting in Lagos. 😩

Anyway, I’d like to use this opportunity to bring something to mind.

Time comes for us all

This year started on a flaccid note. 2020 had just dealt us a huge blow, and it seemed like there was nowhere else to go but up. Not much expectation was set, but there was what I would qualify as hope.

But 2021 kept moving, and it just felt very… indistinguishable? It wasn’t as tragic, but it inherited the monotony and humdrum of 2020.

Yet within that ordinariness, we’ve definitely had moments of laughter, sorrow, joy, sadness, fury, even uncertainty. 2021 may have felt like a rut, but we had occasions - big or small - that distracted us from the boredom. And somewhere in between these moments, some of us may have been hit with anxiety, tragedy, or depression. Of course, some moments would have been more impactful than others, but whatever the case may be, it helps to know that this too shall pass.

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This sentiment also applies to those moments you want to hold on to forever; time will come for every one of them. You can only hope they give way for better things. But yeah, each moment will come, and they’ll go so bask in all that is good and warm, and for everything else, take the time needed to process and deal with each situation - grieve if you have to.

And at every moment, do not forget to breathe.

PS: Just a reminder that the outcome of your life isn’t entirely your fault, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Here’s to hoping that 2021 gives way to a better healthier 2022. Happy Holidays!!! 🥂

SONG OF THE MONTH: My Calling - The Cooties.

Critically appraising assent, ideas or arguments comes from having an understanding of the topic being discussed…

- Ifedolapo Oseni, DISSENT Vs INTELLIGENCE: Synonyms?

When we consider our ideologies and how we arrived at them, we often disregard how much information we had to consume to get there.

E.g. Becoming a feminist (I’m assuming we all are) may have been a result of personal convictions, but in a way, it also took a lot of reading and conversation to polish our reasoning and arrive at what we deem is the better side of the ideology spectrum given how much we know now and how well we can interpret and reason things out.

To be honest, it is hard to not roll your eyes at some takes especially when you are convinced that you are seated on the right side of reason in that case. And with that often comes the feeling of intellectual superiority and tbh, sometimes the feeling is justified, but to what end?

Your wisdom is foolishness to another, not because you are unwise, but because given the information and variables that shape their perspective, they may never reason the way you do. The why and how we believe what we believe are hugely complicated and relative.

This is not to say we should excuse ignorance, but I think we should once in a while consider and acknowledge how much we do not know and how far we’ve come along in knowing and evolving in our reasoning.

I guess what I am trying to say is: Having superior information doesn’t necessarily make you superior. There has never been a case where condescension won anyone over, and I don’t think there ever will be.

See you next month. ❤

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SONG OF THE MONTH: I Sink I Sink - Living Hour

If I had to describe 2021 so far, I’d say it’s been monotonous to the point of apathy. Many of us lived it out with resignation, and those who tried to go beyond burned out quickly. Outside this, we all had to deal with the rising uncertainty in our environments (especially those of us in Nigeria).

It's all been overwhelming and what’s worse? We really can’t point to one thing as the reason why. A part of me thinks it’s adulting but I really doubt that it is the singular reason for the general air of malaise.

It’s crazy to think that all our dreams and hopes and plans have all amounted to this; a non-critical yet critical point where it all seems passive and lacking of the urgency needed to propel our lives forward.

I know it seems like I am projecting. If you feel that way, then congratulations, it would appear that you are not a casualty of the (Nigerian) Adulting Experience.

What is the point of this? And by this, I mean this newsletter and not life. My point is if you ever feel like the world has left you behind, know that you are not alone. There are a lot of people, including me, who feel the same.

Remember, idealities are hardly practical so take your time. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow or this week. There’s always a chance to begin again. ❤️

SONG OF THE MONTH: Remember ft. Jacob Banks - Seinabo Sey.

Life is anything but optimistic. There is no shortage of misery, and contrary to what we’ve been made to believe, absolutely nothing guarantees that life would be kind to you. And in the face of growing uncertainty, hope is fast becoming a luxury.

If, like me, you were indoctrinated into the “your destiny is in your own hands” philosophy, you can understand the confusion and frustration. It doesn’t help that very little is in our control.

This understanding breeds a feeling of helplessness. But we know that no one is born feeling helpless. It is a trait that is learned with every situation chipping away our determination.

In Tai Verdes’s “A-O-K”, which btw is the song of the month, he sings, “Living in this big blue world / With my head up in outer space / I know I'll be A-O-K”. This line made me cry, because not only did it validate the sadness I’ve been feeling, but because I honestly do not believe anyone can ever be certain that things will be A-O-K. For all we know, I might end up A-O-Worse with no resolve in me to deal with the situation.

I know this doesn’t look like a case for hope and optimism, but stay with me. Hopefully, I find a way to reconcile all of this before the end of this article…

LEMONADE (A PESSIMIST’S TAKE)🥤

I once read a journal published by the American Psychological Association that suggested that pessimism is the key to a longer, healthier life. At first, I felt justified. I had always felt that optimism was irrational, and here was another article pointing out how it is detrimental to survival.

Survival is important, so important that our bodies keep evolving to ensure that we live for as long as we can. But when it comes to existing, survival isn’t sufficient. Experiencing life as beings means indulging in stuff that accounts for more than our survival. Life for us is basically a hunt for fulfilment, and you cannot successfully achieve happiness and fulfilment if you are constantly perceiving things from a disadvantage.

Sure, pessimism holds you back from indulging in shit on a whim. It first masquerades as the voice of reason, strengthening your inhibition; but the objectivity it offers eventually clears the way for worry and paranoia. If you take into consideration all the ways things could go wrong, you will end up not doing anything. It might be the safe option but there is more to life than safety.

Tai Verdes may have been aware of the million and one ways things could go wrong but chose to hold on to the hundred ways they could go right, because in the end, even if the odds are stacked against you, there is still a valid possibility things could go your way. It is just like they say: “the fun part of hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go is UP”.

If there was ever a word that perfectly captures irrational optimism, it is “MANIFEST”. A close second would be “AFFIRMATION”.

I cannot help but roll my eyes whenever I see both words on my timeline. It might be cheesy, but it is indicative of something beautiful. That in the midst of improbability, they are choosing to go the route of hope instead of feeling inadequate. This obviously will not make them happy, but it definitely makes them a little less sad and we all could use a little less sadness (I know I could).

Fin 💜

I am aware that our weights differ; you might be in search of fulfilment or be in a race against poverty. Heck, you could be battling demons or illnesses or tragedies or traumas or just having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. Whatever the case may be, I honestly hope that you find what is needed to turn your lemons into lemonade. I hope you live a life that accounts for more than mere survival.

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PS:

Hi,

I am really glad I finally found the strength to write this. A part of me was afraid Life As We Know It was coming to an end (I have been holding on to this pun for a long time, so please get it). I missed writing, especially to you.

See you next month, hopefully. ♥

SONG OF THE MONTH:

A-O-K - Tai Verdes

Of all the communication tools availed to us, feedback seems to be the only one crafted to go beyond informing down towards refining, which is great cause it creates a chance for improvement.

However, this discussion has been hijacked by capitalism. A quick google search reveals the many many many ways we can use feedback to motivate employees and improve work productivity. And while Feedback for Capitalism isn't invalid, I think it is an injustice to shave feedback down to a corporate tool.

I understand that writing this article might create the expectation that I am good at giving/receiving feedback, so here's a disclaimer…

Disclaimer: This article doesn't mean I am good at giving/receiving feedback. This is as useful for me as it is for you. :)

In this post, we will be looking at feedback as a communication tool for life. If you'd rather listen to this, you can click here.

FEEDBACK . noun
feed·​back | \ ˈfēd-ˌbak \

the transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source.

I, personally, love this definition from Merriam-Webster because it doesn't convert feedback to a concept unique to humans.

It is easy to see the application of feedback in humanity, but a closer look at life and you find that feedback is a tool used by many, if not all, living things. It is what informs our evolution and survival. It builds on our experiences and explorations to ensure we develop as beings.

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Feedback takes on many forms - direct and indirect, active and passive, verbal and behavioural, technical and social, formal and informal, positive and negative, etc. Several factors come to play within each form - goal, intuition, reaction, ease of understanding, level of satisfaction, state of emotion, rate of relativity…

Regardless of what form of feedback is used or which factors contributed to it, it is important that we understand how to give and receive feedback.

GIVING FEEDBACK

“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.”
– Buddha

Offering feedback is obviously easier than receiving feedback. However, with this ease comes the responsibility of communicating and influencing the point of issue.

Before presenting your feedback, make sure that you objectively understand and have properly assessed the situation. You also should ensure your assessment and understanding are unbiased and your motive, genuine.

While giving feedback, be empathetic. Create a safe space with your conversation. Remember to make provision for nuances that you may not have considered.

When offering feedback, there is a need to communicate in a language that is productive. Feedback isn't complete without information, so it helps to detail your issue points.

NEGATIVE FEEDBACK

If there is something to be fixed or addressed, it should be expressed in a structured and passive manner. As a rule of thumb, avoid using "you". Alienate the issue, not the person.

By the way, if the feedback is unsolicited, you should ask for permission first.

POSITIVE FEEDBACK

Positive feedback allows for a bit of freedom. Here, you can use your emotion to bolster your points. Address your issue points in a way that is both detailed and engaging. Let them know they're doing well and what it is that is well done.

REMEMBER: Giving feedback is about communicating and assessing, not wrong-spotting.

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RECEIVING FEEDBACK

“Receiving feedback sits at the intersection of these two needs—our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance.”
― Douglas Stone, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

Receiving feedback can feel like being in a hot seat. It is a moment of vulnerability, and it makes sense that one might feel a little anxious at that moment. However, just as it is with Feedback Delivery,Feedback Reception comes with responsibility.

Listening is a skill and one that applies to receiving feedback. It affects our relationship with people and learning culture.

When receiving feedback, it is important to:

• Engage the conversation with confidence and curiousity. Watch out for helpful insights that can help you grow.

• Maintain a positive and encouraging body language. It helps to assume positive intent.

• If the situation allows for it, acknowledge the impact of the conversation on you, especially if it hurts.

• Ask for clarity in moments of vagueness. Do not assume.

and most importantly, DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are being berated, it is okay to tune out.

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CAVEAT: SWITCHTRACKING

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
– George Bernard Shaw

Switchtracking is a common albeit imperceptible communication problem. According to author Sheila Heen, switchtracking is when “someone gives you feedback, and your reaction to that feedback changes the subject.”

Here’s an example:

A: Please ensure that you drain the dishes before placing them in the rack.

B: Do you realise how much work it took to even wash them in the first place?

Another example…

A: Why didn’t you pick me up from school today? 

B: Can’t you greet?

When it happens, the conversation is split into two, and each person proceeds to argue for/against different subsets of the same conversation. Often, the person who does the switching is unaware that they are derailing the conversation. It is not a thought-out decision. The switching is happening because they receive information and immediately respond with what they believe to be the more important issue.

If the switching is deliberate, then there is either a problem with timing/delivery (e.g. reminding someone of their debt just after they've been robbed), or the switcher is being manipulative.

The problem with switchtracking is that it takes a conversation and turns it into an argument of "which topic is more important". That is unless one person concedes, or it is pointed out.

In conversations where there is a hierarchy of sorts (example B), the switching happens in the underling's mind. Here, they protect themselves by tuning out of the conversation and addressing what they believe to be the main issue(s) in their heads.

Heen gives an example for this scenario…

“So your boss is chewing you out. And you're not saying anything out loud because you're, you know, actually smarter than that in that moment. But what you're thinking, of course, is, OK, first of all, this is not my fault. And second of all, you're even worse at this than I am. And third of all, I can't believe that you're doing this in front of everyone and you're this unprofessional. You know, and everybody, by the way, hates you. So you are switch-tracking to about four other topics of your feedback for him or her. But it's a silent switch-track. So your boss isn't necessarily aware that you're not paying any attention at all.”

When giving or receiving feedback, it is important that we decenter ourselves and stay on course. In moments when the conversation has been switchtracked, take a step back. Address the initial point of issue first, then move to the second issue.

Communication is a conscious process, and when it comes to feedback, we need to be even more aware of our intentions, emotions, languages, and interpretations. It is the only way we can build a good learning culture and evolve as humans.

To learn more on Feedback and Switchtracking, I found this podcast episode from NPR's Hidden Brain very helpful. I love that they made a catchy song that perfectly defines switchtracking.

HIDDEN BRAIN: SWITCHTRACKING

And in the spirit of receiving feedback, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article. Leave a comment below or reach out to me on Twitter, @theifedolapo.

See you in a couple of weeks. ❤️

SONG OF THE MONTH:

Friends ft. Bon Iver and Kanye West - Francis and The Lights

Hi,

Of all the communication tools availed to us, feedback seems to be the only one crafted to go beyond informing down towards refining, which is great cause it creates a chance for improvement.

However, this discussion has been hijacked by capitalism. A quick google search reveals the many many many ways we can use feedback to motivate employees and improve work productivity. And while Feedback for Capitalism isn't invalid, I think it is an injustice to shave feedback down to a corporate tool.

I understand that writing this article might create the expectation that I am good at giving/receiving feedback, so here's a disclaimer…

Disclaimer: This article doesn't mean I am good at giving/receiving feedback. This is as useful for me as it is for you. :)

In this post, we will be looking at feedback as a communication tool for life. If you'd rather read the entire article, you can click here.

I hope you enjoy it.

Voice-over: Mifa ❤ of U & I Podcast.

How’s it going? Hope 2021 has been forgiving?

Currently taking a break from my crushing workload to talk a little about trust.

BET ON YOURSELF

When we are told to bet on ourselves, it feels doable and empowering. But the thing with bets is that it’s wisest to bet on variables that are reliable. But are we reliable?

There are instances where I have acted out of character; dropping out of school despite being a bright student, quitting a job I loved and had no issues with.

And not just me. I have watched people fail themselves in situations they otherwise would excel in. I have seen people shift positions, perspectives, or even do a 180 because the situation was atypical of what they are used to.

These experiences taught me that as much as we try to be, humans are unreliable. Life made us that way.

I am not going to have a definite reaction to the infinite possibilities a situation can assume. And if I cannot trust myself to be consistent with my reactions, outputs, strategies, then am I really reliable?

If I cannot trust myself to do what is needed, even if it means doing nothing, is it then really wise to bet on myself?

Short Answer: YES!

I think; therefore I am (Cogito, ergo sum) - René Descartes.

We have all experienced moments of existential doubt. You know… those “what am I doing here?”, “Is anything of this even real?” moments.

The bad news is that there is no way of proving anything outside of our existence. Our senses deceive us all the time. We keep uncovering truths about the ideas and beliefs we subscribe to. Our understanding even is at risk of misguidance.

Well, the good news is that these questions arrive at the height of your consciousness. That you are not just aware of your existence; you affirm that your existence is the only thing you can be sure of. Everything outside of that is a maybe at best.

If we can’t be sure of anything outside our existence, how can we then bet on other people/things? How can we certainly confirm that their intentions are genuine? How do we know what they think? How are we even sure of their existence?

You might not be consistent in your belief, actions, or even identity, but you are the surest and the most reliable thing to you, more than any fact, conviction, or truth.

Besides, your first responsibility is to yourself. If you do not make yourself a priority, no one will.

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If you are following me on Twitter, you would have noticed that in the past 10 months or so, I have been very much in love with my body. It’s gotten so intense that I now have more pictures of my body than I do anything else. This obsession with my body isn’t new. What is new, however, is the affection that I have towards it.

A few years ago, I was rushed to Unilag’s medical centre after experiencing intense constipation. After having a chat with my doctor, I was told I was anorexic. I wasn’t exactly surprised because I had read about Demi Lovato’s struggle with Bulimia and opened the anorexia hyperlink which, for a moment, felt like a detailed analysis into my life - the emotional struggle, the obsession, the delusion, the denial which brings me back to my hospital scene. I told her I couldn’t possibly be anorexic because I was fat. At the time, my diet consisted solely of garri and meat or Famous Amos and Fanta Pineapple. My justification for these was usually “I hate cooking”, but that wasn’t what my journals showed.

Now it’s important to note that anorexia is usually indicative of emotional challenges and at the time, I was drowning but my unhealthy relationship with Slimville helped me channel that sadness.

I may have been going through it in 2016 but my obsession with my body actually started in 2005, the year I started secondary school. I returned home from the Christmas holidays looking like a shadow. I barely got 4 hours of sleep, the drillings were excessive, the meals were unsavoury and being the youngest person in the school meant I was being bullied into doing a lot more by pretty much every student. Everyone but my parents were concerned. When quizzed on my weight loss, they simply said it was proof that the soldiers at the school were disciplining me. This is not when the fatphobia started. It started when my younger sister who now looked fat compared to me was awarded the ‘orobo’ title. As expected, I became lepa.

As one would expect this came with little quips that in hindsight were offensive but it was the 2000s and we were operating in a time of social insensitivity. What started out as jokes soon became a serious conversation targeted at making my sister lose weight. How did it end? With her in Command Secondary School partly for the education but mostly for the weight loss programme. I know this because my parents never miss a chance to bring it up along with other fatphobic anecdotes.

At first, I was uncomfortable with the tags but soon, they became a source of validation for me.

Fatphobia is a two-pronged antagonistic tool based on the ideology that fat isn’t ideal. I call it two-pronged because it manifests itself in two ways.

Prong 1: Yunno, the one that deems every fat person as unappealing, dirty, smelly and unhealthy. This prong is blatant and targets fat people.

Prong 2: This prong is subtle. It’s the one that comes from a place of concern. The one that sees fat as a faint line between fitness and morbid obesity and feels a certain responsibility to voice concern. One odd thing about this prong is that it targets both fat people and people that have put on some weight.

It’s easy to clamp down and disable prong 1 because of the sheer vileness of it but the subtleness of prong 2 makes it so that it passes discrimination as genuine empathy and its rebuttal as oversensitivity.

Take before and after weight-loss pictures for instance. Once in a while, you find people pointing out how it's influenced by fatphobia and usually, you find comments like “how is wanting to be fit fatphobic?” or “Is it now fatphobic to want to be healthy?” This red-herring argument automatically ties weight-loss to fitness and then proceeds to argue for fitness.

Now, to lay it bare…

Fitness is made of health and skill components that range from strength to body composition to agility to cardiovascular fitness to balance to coordination and many more. Weight falls under body composition. And when it comes to body composition, we refuse to acknowledge the factors that determine what is healthy and what isn’t. We have chosen instead to take the binary approach — fat or thin, overweight or underweight — completely disregarding the fact two people of the same weight and gender can look completely different because of their weight compositions.

Fast forward to weight-loss programmes (I honestly hate that term). These programmes do one thing - acknowledge weight-loss as a side effect of fitness which is extremely misleading because weight-loss is one subset of body composition which is a subset of fitness. There’s also the fact that they almost always sell fat as unhealthy.

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It’s not like we do not acknowledge weight-loss as an indicator of one’s fitness journey but the fact is that weight-loss is becoming the sole indicator of fitness that we acknowledge. And when we pass off weight-loss as health, we inadvertently associate weight gain with ill-health. It's in the media, in the gym and slim tea marketing, in the “watch your weight” warnings we pass off immediately we point out how much weight they’ve put on. When we put all these in perspective, you’d agree that it’s not absurd for our standard of fitness and our concerns to be rooted in fatphobia.

And yes, we can talk about how it’s excessive weight gain you preach against? But ask yourself if you really are in a position to determine what counts as overweight? How much do you know about BMI, BVI or other weight factors? Is your definition of obesity hinged firmly of eating and exercise habits? Are you aware of the psychological, economical, evolutionary, environmental, scientific, social and genetic factors that contribute to obesity?1 Do you pay as much attention to weight loss and its associated risk factors? What about the many fitness problems that aren’t weight-related? What about the other health concerns that cover people of all sizes? Alcoholism? Wine is fast becoming a millennial aesthetic. Drugs are making a comeback. These issues are prevalent but hardly make it to fitness programmes.

If you are concerned about the health of fat people but remain oblivious to health implications that come with weight loss, you don’t have a health concern, you have a problem with fatness.

We need to understand that we have not yet grasped how to address this situation, but we are increasingly understanding that attributing obesity to personal responsibility is very simplistic. Today’s priests of obesity prevention proclaim with confidence and authority that they have the answer. So did Bruno Bettelheim in the 1950s, when he blamed autism on mothers with cold personalities. So, for that matter, did the clerics of 18th-century Lisbon, who blamed earthquakes on people’s sinful ways.

- Davis Berreby in The Obesity Era.

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Ever since I put on weight, I’ve had to deal with friends, family, and strangers expressing concerns about my health and sometimes my stomach and back folds (but never my ass, lol). And even when I point out how okay I am with it, they end the conversation with “sha don’t let it get out of hand”.

At size 14, I am constantly reminded of the “risks” associated with fatness but when I was a size 6 and down, it took several ER visits and a doctor’s warning for people to notice. By that time, I was anaemic, visibly exhausted, constantly constipated, and had developed amenorrhea. For each of these symptoms, there was a general suspicion and none of them was tied to my weight loss. Even funnier is the fact that recently, someone was able to draw a line between me suffering from amenorrhea and my weight gain.

My anorexia may have been an escape from a much deeper wound but it was fueled by the fatphobic environment I operated in. Many things could have been used to engage the sadness I felt at the time but the constant focus on my weight was an easy target. If I had chosen to eat my way out of sadness, people would have definitely noticed and not because they could tell something wasn’t right with me but because I was fat and that would have been the crux of their empathy.

I have always believed that a strong sense of empathy is needed to build the principles of a society but it's not enough for you to build your ideologies on empathy, you have to be sure that it's not coming from a place of discrimination. it's okay to worry about those you love but that would be insufficient (even harmful) if you worry about the wrong things.

This is an issue of human dignity. We need to learn to value and respect people for their own sakes.

it's important to evaluate our perspectives before showing concern or expressing our views in arguments. When it comes to conversations about a reality you cannot relate to, it's important to listen and research.

PS: If you find it hard to love your body, here are some things that helped me:

• WHAT A TIME TO BE ALONE (A book by Chidera Eggerue). If you can’t get the book, here’s a TED Talk that might help. And another.

• Keeping my social media timeline free of unrealistic body standards. I follow and turn on post notification of plus-sized personalities, body-positive brands and accounts.

• Laying off the filters. They’re fatphobic. Refer to the comical nature of fat filters vs. the sensual appeal of others.

• Being around people that hype me the tf up. I let others save the criticisms for when I’d built enough confidence. Yup, safe spaces are a thing and they are valid.

S/o to Ayo, Hassan, Ope and Shola in the comments for their contributions and feedback to this article. Thank you so much.

UPDATE: I visited an acquaintance and ranted a little on the topic. You can listen here.

SONG OF THE MONTH: Mrs. Potato Head - Melanie Martinez